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green-and-grey-kenaz · 3 years

Text

I Sleep with the Dirt by Fire Glow

Language: English

Chapter 1: Please pull me from the dark

Characters in Chapter: Regulus Black, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin (Briefly), Albus Dumbledore (Briefly)

Chapter Summary:

Regulus is returned to life after his body has been kept in stasis as an inferius. It takes some getting used to, being alive again. Sirius meanwhile is dealing with having to look after a somewhat wild brother and not being able to adopt Harry, like he promised.

Word Count: c. 5 900

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34049455/chapters/84695911

It was strange. Bright. Pain. Noise. Smells. Thoughts. Feels. Sights.

Food.

He lunged, grabbing the prey which shrieked, only getting shriller as teeth tore into it. He pulled his head back and tasted sweet iron. Something grabbed him, forced his jaw open. He snarled. He was hungry and this was his food. He had rightfully caught it.

There was more noise and he turned, glowering. He hated the noises that they made at him. He had a sense that once it might have meant something but now they were empty sounds. It was infuriating.

The one he did not want to eat was there. That one was skinny. Bones. Bones weren’t food. He could crunch them to get food, but the skinny one was still not food. He did not know when the concept of food had come. But the desire to kill the warm moving ones had become a painful urge to fix an emptiness within. Hunger. Skinny was not that though. There was more to the bony one. That was why it was not food.

The other one was tempting but it could stop him. He had tried.

It always knew. It was always prepared.

They made noises to each other as food was placed into his hand. It wasn’t fresh but he tore at it, snarling at anyone who got too close. Too soon, food was gone and he licked his fingers. They were tasty.

Bony was there, hand on his arm. He snarled and Bony flinched but made noises at him. Soft sounds that soothed and promised safety. Bony took something damp and pressed it against his face, rubbed it over his fingers. He liked the damp and wet. It was like a home in that dark, wet cave. The bony one continued to make the noises and gently shifted his limbs. It was a more comfortable position. The old one came and muttered words. He tried to shift and get at it but Bony was being gentle with him and captured his attention once more.

He did not know what he was doing here. He had known, back at the cave. Or perhaps it had not been a knowing – it was more like a state of being. There had been no knowing, just guarding. Devour any that touched the water. Wait. Constant waiting. Protect.

A part of him had something different. A part had been sleeping, almost too deep for dreams but that part had been more alive. There had been the vaguest sense of a series of sounds that had defined it. Memories that had created it.

He could not remember the memories now. They were like the fish that sometimes made their way to his deep waters and were devoured by their many hungry mouths. Flashing, briefly there and so powerfully sating. Then gone. The Bony one perhaps came from there. It came from somewhere deep within. That was why he didn’t eat it.

Bony looked at him, it gave an expression. The lips curled slightly at the ends and it helped him to lie down and pulled the soft warmth over him. It took his head and held it until boredom closed his eyes.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

“No, Regulus.” Sirius said firmly as his brother held the raw, half eaten chicken breast in his hand, teeth bared and showing the remnants of his midnight snack.

This was not what Sirius needed. He didn’t need Regulus back. He ran his hand through his hair, guilt sparking in his stomach at that thought. No, he did need Regulus back. Just not with the caveat that he would have to fight off the magic that had kept his body frozen as a minion for Voldemort. Because that was a lot to deal with when you were fresh out of Azkaban. As was knowing that if it hadn’t been for Regulus’ soul somehow taking root deep inside him, if Dumbledore hadn't realised that… well his brother's body would still be in that cave. Dead and violated, twisted by Dark Magic. The thought was sickening.

Yet it was because of Regulus that he had been told he couldn’t take Harry into his home. Harry Potter, James’ son. Sirius' very own Godson, who he had sworn an oath to protect. A boy who was criminally neglected by his supposed guardians. Sirius had waited all this time to get Harry back in his life. He had told the boy he could move in with him. It wasn't fair that he had to look after a kid who should be grown and able to take care of himself.

Sirius resented Regulus for that. He resented that a lot when Regulus had never shown him any love or care back when they had lived together. It had always been ‘why can’t you just behave?’, ‘why must you hurt mother so?’, ‘can’t you just get it into your thick skull that we are better than everyone else and that it is our duty to rule?’. Well, Regulus didn’t look much better than anyone else with his half-eaten chicken breast clutched in one hand.

“Put it down. You’re going to be sick enough as it is.” Probably. Apparently inferii had pretty tough guts because Regulus had taken to eating a whole host of raw things (the healer had not been impressed to find that out). Unfortunately for his brother, the closer he got back to being counted amongst the living, the more raw meat did not agree with him.

Regulus shifted the chicken breast closer to his mouth, staring a challenge down at Sirius.

“No.” Sirius growled and Regulus froze. In that second, Sirius took the time to consider the situation. The pantry had been charmed closed. If Regulus had opened it, that had to mean he was getting his magic back which would not be ideal because Sirius didn’t need a magic wielding, zombie brother. He groaned, running a hand down his face and Regulus quickly took a bite of the chicken.

“Regulus!” Sirius roared and his brother jumped, dropping the chicken breast and quick as a flash, made for the door. Sirius swore and lunged after him, wrapping the smaller body and pinning his arms while his hands went to wrap around Regulus’ wrists. He might be skinny after his time in Azkaban but Regulus was still only seventeen (he’d be eighteen if counting the days – he died days before his birthday a voice whispered in his head) and apparently hadn’t been taking care of himself in the lead up to his death. He’d been all skin and bones when they dragged him out and the inferius voracious appetite was not doing much to put weight back on his frame.

The tiny body squirmed in his grasp, twisting his head and sinking his teeth into Sirius’ dressing gown.

“Stop that, Regulus.” Sirius was softer this time, trying to be more reassuring now the chicken was gone. While most people seemed fair game for eating, Sirius had yet to be bitten. Oh, Regulus threatened to and Sirius did not trust himself to sleep without a heavily warded door, but he’d had no more than panicked bites that stopped short of bruising his skin. He pulled Regulus over to a sink and with some effort managed to get warm water running. Forcing Regulus’ hands under, he glanced around for the soap as his brother started to relax.

“See, nothing wrong, Reggie.” He said soothingly, rubbing the lavender scented soap against his brother’s pale skin. He got a cloth to clean Regulus’ face likewise. His brother squirmed but did not resist.

“Just cleaning you up. You know, if you get hungry, you can come to me. Just knock on the door. I’ll make you something.” He told Regulus this every time but he had little way to tell if it went in. His brother made a noise though and leaned into him.

“Right, all cleaned up now. Not much point eating until you’ve got this out your system.” He said, turning Regulus and giving him a once over. He didn’t let Regulus wear anything with long sleeves, unless attended which just made his arms look like skinny sticks but it made moments like this easier. It didn’t look like Regulus had gotten anything on him.

“Kreacher!” Sirius called.

The House Elf appeared. Sirius knew he lived in a cupboard in the kitchen and he found it ever so infuriating that he didn’t help keep Regulus from eating raw meats. Unfortunately, Kreacher was rather dedicated to ‘the young master’, even if that meant letting him eat things he shouldn’t.

“Clean up the mess and then bring the sick basin into the Parlour. I’m staying up with Regulus until we know if this is going to pass through or not. And next time stop letting him eat raw meat.”

Regulus growled at Sirius for his tone, dark eyes narrowing and Sirius groaned.

“Please.” He added, trying to make his tone sweet because he could do with Regulus not waking up mother’s portrait, which was what he would do if in a strop. She only got agitated seeing Regulus in such a state and it didn’t help that Sirius was there either.

“Kreacher lives to serve the Noble House of Black.” The House Elf grovelled, bowing low and Sirius bit back his retort and instead said through gritted teeth.

“Thank you. Kreacher.”

Regulus seemed to accept that as genuine because he smiled and let himself be guided out with minimum fuss. In fact, he looked rather over the moon to be taken into the Parlour where he took his customary seat as Sirius set the fire up and carefully made sure to place the fire protector so Regulus wouldn’t accidentally get too close.

Warmth was something that Regulus seemed drawn to. He loved the fire, he loved the sun, he loved being wrapped in warm hugs when before he’d always been hesitant about touch. It felt like someone else walking about in his brother’s skin. It was not a comfortable thought but Dumbledore insisted that Regulus would come back to his senses. They had to treat this like a flu that his body was fighting off.

His brother was curled up, small limbs all folded in close, and Sirius pulled a blanket over him. Regulus jumped and snarled before realising it was him and calming back down.

“Fire.” He said, giving a nod towards the flames.

“Yes, Reg, fire.” Sirius confirmed, sighing and settling down next to his brother, carding his hand through his hair. Regulus made a small humming noise which Sirius knew to mean he was pleased with himself. Speaking was… a challenge and at times, it could be especially frustrating. Some days, Regulus could manage to string together a sentence and others would be solely animalistic snarls.

Kreacher came in and placed the sick basin down. Regulus smiled at him and Sirius let his brother do whatever it was he did with Kreacher. There was no denying that there was something protective within Regulus when it came to Kreacher and Sirius wondered whether something had happened to Kreacher before Regulus had died. The old House Elf would let Regulus check him over with agitated hands before pulling him in tight for quite a while.

No one knew quiet what had happened and Kreacher was not elaborating. The only information that legimency had been able to glean from Regulus’ soul attached onto Sirius was where he had died. Snape, and Sirius still shivered to think on that, had impressed on them that whatever had happened, it was more important to Regulus than merely the place he had died. It was the one thing that bound him to this earthly plane and even in death, he kept shielded with occlumency.

Dumbledore had uncovered some things. They’d seen that unearthly green glow across the water of the cave and after he’d brought Regulus’ bound and writhing corpse… After Snape had helped coax Regulus’ soul back into it… Dumbledore had returned.

Sirius still remembered that note that Dumbledore had placed into his hand. Regulus’ curved and delicate hand writing. That would have been his last words on this earth. It had been chilling.

Voldemort had created a Horcrux and Regulus had intended to die destroying it. It was clear that he had found it but no one knew where the original was. Snape had confessed that although he and Regulus had shared a friendship, he had had no word about this from Regulus. Kreacher feigned ignorance and Sirius knew that was the case because he had caught Kreacher hurting himself after saying he knew nothing.

He had ordered Kreacher to tell him because he knew that Kreacher knew but that was the closest Regulus had come to hurting him. His brother had flown in, snarling rage, with clawing hands and hadn’t calmed for a week.

Sirius sighed and stared at Regulus, who was lying, eyes half closed as Kreacher now comforted him, singing him songs in Kreacher’s own language. Regulus didn’t sleep. Not since they’d brought him back. At most he dozed. Sometimes by the fire, more often when someone cradled him in warm sunlight. Sirius figured that Regulus felt he had been sleeping enough with fifteen years of being dead. That he might fear that his sleep would bring that again. Certainly rest seemed to bring out the inferius in him. Always a step back from whatever improvement he had built up.

Harry would be easier.

Harry deserved the love that Regulus was given. Dumbledore visited once a week to chat with Regulus – a kid who could barely speak at the moment. Even Snape visited, although he kept these visits to once a month due to the fact that strife seemed to upset Regulus, otherwise he would no doubt be a more frequent visitor. Remus, Merlin knew how, tolerated Regulus. The first few times, Regulus had gone for Remus’ throat and had to be stunned. Remus brought bribes of chocolate frogs and still, Regulus would sit between them once he had finished chasing his meal.

One day he had told Sirius ‘ ‘trayed you. Left you.’. Sirius had tried to explain that he had betrayed Remus, that it was him that hadn’t trusted. But Regulus had touched his chest and said one word. Hurt.

Regulus could tell that no matter what had happened, Sirius had felt betrayed by Remus. That one of his childhood friends had not fought for his freedom… it stung and it didn’t matter how irrational that was because to Regulus, it was real and if he didn’t sit there, protecting Sirius, Remus might hurt him.

Merlin, this was messed up.

“Bad.” Regulus said, stiffening, and Sirius grabbed the basin, handing it over to Regulus who retched into the bowl as Sirius rubbed his back in what he hoped were soothing circles. Kreacher vanished the sick between breaks in his brother’s throwing up.

“There you go. Better out. It’s OK.” He said, using his other hand to pull Regulus’ hair out of his face.

Harry wouldn’t eat raw meat and then need a guardian to look out for him. Sirius winced as Regulus threw up again, sounding rather painful as he shuddered, fingers clawing at the ceramic. At the very least Regulus might exhaust himself and doze. That would be nice. Some peace and not having to rely on paintings waking him up whenever Regulus decided to go on his walks.

Sirius yawned and Regulus paused from his heaving, looking up with dark, pain filled eyes.

They were his brother’s eyes. His little brother, who had died alone in a cave to try and bring down Voldemort. Regulus. The soft little idiot who thought he’d take on the world alone because he had no one else to turn to. Sirius hadn’t been there for him.

Regulus doubled over again and moaned in pain and Sirius returned to rubbing his head. Yes, he resented his brother for a lot of things. It had been a long time since Regulus had brought him joy but every time he looked into those eyes, he saw a kid he’d failed. Someone he should have been there for. Perhaps, the guilt would give way to love at some point.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Regulus snarled at the man who came in through the door. Sirius grabbed him and pulled him away, placing an arm out to stop him getting at the man.

“No, it’s alright Sirius. You said he had a turn last night. It’s fine.” The man… the wolf… said, reaching into his pockets with slow movements. He pulled something out, fiddling with it and suddenly Regulus found his focus forced to something moving fast. He dashed after it and it jumped away. Another pounce and he had it wrapped in his hands, feeling his prey wiggling, trying to get out. A quick crush and he broke it. Opening his hands, Regulus started to pick at its brown, sweet flesh, crushing it between his teeth. It was good. Tasty. Bits fell to the floor and he cleaned up those traces as well.

Good. He’d killed it.

Feeling more content with this, Regulus wandered through the house, trying to recall what had happened before. He had chased his prey but something important had happened before that. What was it?

Voices.

Ah, the wolf.

Regulus dashed to the warm room where the fire was merrily burning and Sirius sat with the wolf, his brother lounging across the sofa and the wolf, the betrayer of his brother, sat on a chair.

“Sirius said you’ve started to collect the cards.” The wolf said, looking up as he entered and stalked to sit in front of his brother. Sirius may have forgotten but Regulus remembered the pain his brother had felt when the wolf hadn’t saved him from whatever had happened. It would only be a matter of time before it happened again.

Regulus looked at the offered card but did not take it. Sirius shifted forward, plucked the card from the wolf’s hand and placed it in Regulus’ own, wrapping his fingers around it.

“You’ve been wanting this one, remember?” He said and Regulus stared at the picture.

“S… Slyth… Slytherin. Salazar.” He managed to get the words out, forcing his mouth and tongue to roll around the foreign sounds. There was a vague sense that this had once been easy, like breathing. He had a concept of breathing now. He remembered realising that he breathed.

“Yep! Rarer than the other Founders because no one wants him.” Sirius said, in a jolly tone. Regulus stared at it. He knew this one mattered to him. He knew that some days he could remember why he mattered. Grey eyes shifted to look up at the wolf.

“Trick.” He said.

“I watched him take the card out, it’s not a trick Reg.” Sirius said, rubbing his head. Regulus growled and glared at the two. He had no idea how the wolf could just waltz in and make Sirius forget the pain that he had caused.

“Regulus.” That was the stern voice. He barred his teeth at the tone then flinched as Sirius went to grab him.

“Sirius, it’s okay.” The wolf said hastily, producing another box.

“No, if he can’t play nice he shouldn’t get nice things.” Sirius said. The wolf hesitated with his bribes. Regulus hated that they talked about him as if he wasn’t here. He could understand them, their noises made his mind know. It was just hard to remember how to make the noises back.

“Sirius, you said other than the relapse, he’s doing better.” The wolf said before looking at him.

“Would you like another chocolate frog, Regulus?” He asked and his tone was nice. It was always nice and Regulus did not trust that. He did, however, like the frogs. He eyed the box up and licked his lips, thinking on how good its flesh would be.

“Please.”

The wolf hands over the frog, his prize, and Regulus clutched the box tight in his hands. It is his now and it feels good to own things. The desire to consume now falls away and he leaned against the sofa, staring. Sirius went back to talking but the words wash over him. There’s something unsettled in him, a poking feeling that makes his limbs feel restless. Something he should be doing.

Regulus gets up and follows the feeling.

It takes him to his room. There is a draw there with lines. He traces them. Line with three with three lines. Two hills. A curve and circle. Emergency. It is scrawled in a very slow and deliberate attempt to be neat.

He pulls the draw open and inside are boxes, unopened. A collection of frogs. Because sometimes he could plan for the future. That maybe one day he’d want a frog when he wasn’t being given one. That they were useful. Regulus placed the box inside with the rest, then on second thought he shifts it down to the bottom. Older ones on top. Cycle through.

He closes the draw and looks at the top of his desk.

On there sits a hairbrush, with a symbol engraved into its handle. Regulus traced the symbol.

It was a gift, from mother. His initials made into one image. He’d been ten when gifted it. The handle had been big in his hands and he knew its worth. Grabbing it, Regulus brought the brush through his hair, wincing as it tugged at knots. Sometimes Sirius held him down and ran a comb through his black hair. Sirius would try to be gentle. Regulus did not.

His scalp stung but his hair was fixed.

Investigating his desk, Regulus next found a vial. It smelt of woods on hot summer days. The smell pulled memories of walks with friends like Barty or Severus. It was comforting. A pot held a cream, near dried out but which moistened as his fingers touched it. Regulus sniffed his fingers. It was a gentle hint of night blooming jasmine. He’d chosen it because of that. One summer, they had stayed in Southern France and each evening meal had been punctuated by that smell. It reminded him of family and love. He rubbed the cream against his face, a familiar gesture. His fingers found their own and rubbed it into his skin which softened.

The smells of the wood went on the neck and wrists. He remembered that now.

A tub full of powdered silver used the brush to add flakes to his skin so he looked otherworldly and more than the peasants around him.

There was a ribbon. He used it to tie his hair back into a ponytail, leaving just enough loose to frame his face. That took too many goes until it was satisfactory but what stared out at him was a face that he might remember.

Regulus glanced down at his clothes. Attire.

Sirius dressed him in robes that cut off above his elbows, short at the legs and with a split. He knew his movement could be erratic. It was the outfit of a child.

His wardrobe was empty of suitable garb.

Regulus went into the room next to his. Sirius’. The one his brother did not sleep in but was so painfully his. Sometimes Regulus understood why it hurt. Mostly, though, he couldn’t remember. There, in the draws were proper robes. Long, rich and flowing. They smelt of mothballs and dust but it was still a better alternative. He pulled the robes on and they came up short. It made no sense because Sirius was taller than him. Older than him.

But it was more presentable.

Regulus made his way downstairs and back to the parlour. He breezed in and took a seat near the fire. It hurt to sit up straight. His body did not seem to like it but Regulus knew it was proper and expected of him. He didn’t know who expected it.

“Hey Reggie.” Sirius smiled.

“Siri.” He said with a nod. Even that took too much effort. How had this once been so easy?

“You look good.” Wolf smiled.

“Are… are those my old robes?”

Regulus glanced away.

“I hadn’t realised that old hag had kept them.”

“M.” Regulus glared at Sirius. “Mother.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“Love.” Regulus said firmly.

“She never felt an ounce of love for us, Reg.” Sirius said, laughing callously. Regulus felt his muscles twitch.

“Sirius.” Wolf cautioned, leaning forwards and placing a hand on the arm of Sirius’ chair.

“What? It’s the truth.”

“You said they kept the room the same as you’ve left it.” Wolf said softly.

“Probably never noticed I left.” Sirius scoffed.

“Or they were waiting for you to come home.” Wolf pointed out gently.

“Fat chance.”

“Did.” Regulus said.

Sirius turned his attention back to him.

“Did they come by the Potters to collect me? Turn up at the Express to pick me up? Ever write me a letter? No, Reg, they didn’t. No one did.”

Regulus pulled his legs in closer, feeling eyes water but he couldn’t be weak. Not in front of the wolf.

“Time. Needed time. Then back.” He whispered. That’s what he’d been told. His brother would come back, he just needed space to realise that he still loved them, that nothing was as important as family. Days became weeks, weeks became months. He just needed more time. He’d come back, see his room kept just as it had been when he had left and would realise that they loved him.

“Sirius-” The wolf said, reaching for Regulus’ brother but he pushed the man’s hands away.

“No! They didn’t care!” Sirius said, his voice shaking and Regulus realised he had zoned out for some of the conversation between the two. He also remembered that the wolf was called Remus.

“I’m not saying that the way they treated you was okay, Sirius. It was wrong and it was good that you got out of it when you did because it was destroying you. But that doesn’t mean they didn’t care. That’s what makes it harder.”

“No one could love their child and put them through that. They didn’t love me. They couldn’t have.”

“I did.” Regulus said softly. Sirius glanced up and ran a hand down his face.

“You didn’t put me through anything, Reg. You were the only thing that made home bearable.” It was a comforting lie and Regulus shook his head.

“I was with mother and father.” He said, his words slow as each rolled around his mouth. “I did not help you.”

“That’s because you were soft enough to believe our parents. You were soft.” Sirius said. Regulus shook his head and stared at his arm.

“I joined.” He pointed out.

“Because they forced you.” Sirius insisted.

“I thought ‘twas right.” Regulus said quietly.

“They brainwashed you.”

Regulus shrugged. Sirius wasn’t convinced but at least he wasn’t fighting.

“I didn’t help you.” He repeated.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Sirius stared at the cold, blank eyes staring up at him.

“James… Lily.” He whispered, hands trembling as they reached forwards, hesitant to cradle the corpses of his friends. As he reached out, he realised his hands were uncomfortably warm. Glancing down, he saw them dripping red. His friends’ skin tore open, pouring blood. He had done this. He was drowning in their blood and the world around him got dark. His heart quickened as a cold touch grabbed his heart and tightened. Slimy hands wrapped around his throat, his legs, his arms. A rattling death gasp and he was falling deeper and deeper.

Sirius screamed, starting awake, thrashing underneath duvet covers as his door banged as if it were about to be smashed in.

He swore and grabbed his wand, unlocking the door and Regulus flew in, snarling at the darkness in the corners of his room and hovering protectively over him.

Sirius’ heart was pounding and his body trembling and he did not have time for Regulus not being OK. He did not want a snarling brother trying to bite his nightmares.

“Reggie, it’s okay. Just a nightmare. Nothing’s attacking me.” Sirius gasped out, trying to place a hand on his brother’s arm to try and comfort him. He did not need a jumpy inferius. Regulus jumped, then glanced around.

“Dream?” He asked. His voice sounded young, uncertain of how to pronounce different words.

“Bad dream.” Sirius confirmed, rubbing Regulus’ arm. His brother calmed down a lot faster than he did and then dashed off to do Merlin knew what. Probably whatever inferii did when everyone else was supposed to be sleeping.

Sirius fell back against the bed. He could feel tears pricking at his eyes but Blacks did not cry. Not the women, not the children, not the men. But if a Black cried and no one was there to see, did they really cry?

Sirius covered his eyes and drew in a shaky breath. He was fine. The dementors weren’t here. It was Peter who had killed James and Lily. Dumbledore had gotten him a pardon for that. The world now knew he was innocent. He would never get sent back th-

Something dropped on his stomach and Sirius let out a blood curdling scream, flinging his arm away from his face to stare up into the shocked face of Regulus.

“Wha?” He asked, glancing down, terrified to find out what Regulus might consider an appropriate midnight gift.

It was a chocolate frog.

Still in its wrapping.

Regulus nudged it towards Sirius with a hesitant smile.

“Thanks.” Sirius said softly. Regulus openly grinned back and dashed over to a chair, watching him. Sirius sighed and took the offered gift, opening it up and carefully grabbing the frog before it could jump. He saw Regulus start, ready to hunt, but control the urge. Remus always said chocolate was the best cure for dementors. It was sweet and creamy and thawed out some part of his chest.

“You saved this?” Sirius asked in sudden realisation. Regulus frowned then gave a nod.

“I can’t kill the nightmares.” He said in his slow and carefully thought out way. “Chocolate might. I think I read it once.”

“Yeah. It does.” Sirius gave a small smile. This was progress. Maybe soon they could have Harry here safely.

“What dream?” Regulus asked, words slipping in perhaps an excitement at being able to keep a conversation going.

Sirius shook his head. He was not going back there. Not at all.

“I can’t… Were you asleep?” He decided, trying to turn the conversation to something he might manage. Regulus frowned and Sirius noticed the dark shadows under his eyes. He hadn’t realised before. They must have slowly built up as Regulus’ body became more and more alive. The frown had made his eyes look sunken in and not too unlike the face Sirius still saw in the mirror.

“Can’t.” Regulus agreed and he went to sit on Sirius’ bed, head hanging down.

“Hey, it’s OK. No one expects you to get back to normal immediately.” Sirius said softly, shifting to pull his brother into a hug. Regulus fell against him. Warm. Alive. Sirius could feel his heartbeat against his side. It was strong.

“Do you need food?” Sirius asked. Regulus shook his head. Well, at least that was something.

“Want you safe.”

Sirius sighed.

“Well, since neither of us are sleeping, why don’t we go into the parlour?” He suggested, throwing off the bed covers and grabbing his dressing gown and wand. On second thought, he also picked up his bottle of firewhisky that rested on his bed side table. It was depressingly low and Sirius hadn’t yet plucked up the courage to do his own shopping. There was only so often he could ask Moony to pick up booze, even when spaced out between what remained of father’s cabinet.

Maybe mother’s cabinet. She’d outlived him and Reg by years.

He hated thinking that he might be using anything she owned.

Regulus followed him on deadly silent feet. It was unnerving. Sirius always felt that Regulus was just about to pounce. They managed to get through to the parlour with no murders and Regulus took his customary place by the fire, waiting expectantly. Sirius muttered the incantation and the fire flickered to life. He took a swig of whisky and offered it to Regulus, who did likewise, coughing.

“Missed whisky.” Regulus commented as he handed the bottle back to Sirius. Sirius gave a bark of laughter.

“When did you have time to miss whisky?”

Regulus frowned and cocked his head.

“Don’t know. Last week?”

“Well, that’s a good sign that you’re becoming yourself again, Reggie. What’s a Black without a love of alcohol?”

His brother hummed and Sirius handed the bottle back to his brother who took another gulp.

“Can… Can I ask?” His voice shook and Sirius took the bottle back. He was going to need it.

“About what?”

“Mother?”

“Died five years after I was sent to prison. Guards let me know. They thought there was something hilarious about me being left this house.”

Regulus sniffed.

“Bellatrix?”

“Captured and put into Azkaban not long after they got me.”

“Narcissa?”

“Uh… you remember she married Malfoy, right? Were you around for her pregnancy? Ok, well, she’s got a baby boy. Same year as Harry.”

Regulus nodded, thoughtful.

“Evan?”

“Rosier? Dead.”

“Barty?”

“Did you know about him? That he was a Death Eater?”

Regulus went silent. Sirius sighed.

“Look, I know he was a good friend of yours at school.”

“New brother.” Regulus said softly. “I… I wanted a brother that mother would approve of. You had James.”

“Did you know?” Sirius asked again, his blood running cold. He hadn’t thought about it but the two had been close. Barty had been a years younger than Reg and practically worshipped the ground beneath his feet. Slytherin cronyism, not that the Crouch family needed it, but they were Slytherins all the way. Bartemius Senior just sucked it up to the crowds and the ministry.

“I brought… Yes. I brought him into the fold.” Regulus’ voice was wobbling now.

“Merlin. Oh Reg!”

“Please tell me he’s okay.”

Regulus had been seventeen when he died and he sounded it. He’d been just a kid. Just like Barty when they dragged him into a cell. Sirius remembered the boy screaming for his mother until he went silent. He remembered thinking if Regulus had been caught before his mysterious death, that’s what he’d have been like. And when Barty had died, Sirius had wondered if Regulus would have lasted that long.

“I’m so sorry.” Sirius said, moving to wrap Regulus in a hug as his brother collapsed in on himself. A sudden ringing filled the air and Sirius just had time to cast a quick shielding charm as glass smashed around them. Regulus was crying openly and Sirius shifted his brother to rest against his shoulder.

“’S my fault.” Regulus whispered as Sirius wrapped his arm around his brother and used the other to wave his wand and restore the room.

“No, you aren’t responsible for others, Reg.” He whispered softly as he held his brother as he fell apart and they tried to put each other back together.

#fanfic #Harry Potter #regulus black #Sirius Black #Inferius Regulus

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and-it-freezes-me · 3 years

Text

Accidents Happen - The Weight Of Repentance

Summary: A series of sometimes less than satisfying apologies - but Roman is trying his best.

Content: A lot of apologising, some swearing, mention of transphobia, Roman actually starting to put things right

Word count: 6,965

{Part 5} {Part 7}

He started with Virgil.

Yes, if he were going in order of people he had hurt most - or even first - he should have started with Remus, but he chose Virgil for two reasons: by the time he woke up, it was almost five in the evening and he was fairly certain that visiting hours would be over; apologising to Virgil, whilst daunting, was less nerve-racking than apologising to Remus would be. If Virgil decided he never wanted to speak to him again, Roman would understand and, sad though it would be, that could be the end of it. If Remus decided he never wanted to see him again… That would be worse.

Despite knowing that apologising was the most important thing he would be doing that day - possibly the most important thing he would ever do - Roman didn’t leave immediately. Instead, he got up and went to the kitchen, where he made himself drink several large glasses of water and eat a sandwich. Then he pulled flour, food dye, eggs, chocolate, sugar, and milk from their various homes around the room and made cookie batter - while they were cooking, he showered, washing away some of the grime and sleaze and ickiness that had accumulated over the last two days.

Finally feeling a little more like a human than the Thing That Crawled Out Of The Swamp, he made his way downstairs to find that half of the purple chocolate-chip cookies had burned.

Shit.

Didn’t matter. He still had a good handful - well, seven - that were still edible, so he packed them into one of the empty takeaway containers that his dad hoarded as though they were encrusted with jewels and set off.

Roman had knocked on the door of Virgil’s house before it occurred to him that he should probably figure out what he was going to say to his parents. “Hi, I’m here to apologise to your son for being the worst friend in the world after about four years of all but ignoring him entirely” didn’t sound like it would make him many friends. All in all, it was a relief when Remy opened the door - although Roman had to do a double-take to make sure that it was really Remy he was looking at, and not an imposter.

This Remy had shed his ever-present leather jacket, and his usually impeccable hair was messy and ruffled, sunglasses nowhere in sight. He was grinning when he opened the door - although the smile dropped into a wary, suspicious look when he saw who it was - and was holding a wallet in one hand as though he had been expecting a food delivery. A smudge of something apricot-coloured was on his jaw. This Remy actually looked happy, rather than existentially bored.

Well, until he saw Roman, that was. Roman felt like a complete jerk for ruining his mood.

“What do you want now? I’m a little busy here.”

“Is that lipstick on your face?” Roman should probably learn to think things through rather than just blurting them out.

Remy managed to look even more unimpressed than usual. He raised a hand and rubbed his thumb across his chin, studied the yellow smudge briefly, and then wiped it off onto the palm of the same hand. “Yes.”

Oh. Well, okay then. Remy was clearly not in a chatty mood. Not that Roman could really blame him.

“Is… Virgil here?” He asked nervously, and Remy raised an eyebrow at him.

“No.”

“Are you flirting with the pizza guy, Remy?” Roman craned his neck to look over Remy’s head - he was blocking the way into the house so he couldn’t just look past him - but he needn’t have bothered: a second later, a pair of bronzed arms wrapped around Remy’s waist and a pink-haired face appeared over his shoulder. He was squinting a little, as though he wasn’t wearing glasses when he should be, had Remy’s sunglasses perched in his hair, and his yellow lipstick was smudged. He peered suspiciously at Roman. “You’re not the pizza guy.”

“He wants to talk to Virgil, Em.”

“Virgil’s at-”

“See? He’s not here, Roman. Come back another time. Or not, I don’t really give a damn.” Remy made to close the door, but his boyfriend put out a hand to catch it, squinting at Roman with significantly more interest now.

“You’re Roman?” Roman nodded nervously, and the boyfriend’s face - Em’s face - softened. “Virgil misses you. And from what I heard, you’re not doing so well either.”

“I - I know. I mean - about me, not about him.” Roman lifted the box of cookies awkwardly, and Em smiled encouragingly at him. It was a very welcome expression. “I’m trying to… Fix things with him.”

Remy’s expression barely changed, but something in the slight crease between his eyebrows said that Roman just didn’t get it and shifted a little in a way that said he was about to try to shut the door again.

It hadn’t just been Virgil he had hurt here.

“Remy, I’m sorry,” he blurted, and Remy stilled. Em’s arms shifted around his waist and he leaned up to press a small kiss against his temple. “I shouldn’t have… I was a mess last night, and that’s not… That’s not an excuse. If it helps, I did listen to what you said, that’s… That’s part of why I’m here.”

The roaring of a motorbike engine interrupted what would otherwise have been a very quiet moment, and then Remy made a frustrated noise.

“I’ll forgive you for last night. Everything else depends on whether you grovel enough for Vee to forgive you.”

“Uh… Pizza for a… Remile Spicy? Or… Spicani? I don’t know. Is this the right place?” Roman glanced over his shoulder to see a woman around his age, holding a large cardboard box and looking at the three of them with faint interest.

“Emile, I’m going to have to ban you from ordering us pizza.”

“You’re only saying that because your brother’s friend just heard that.”

“That’s ours, how much do I…”

Roman stepped to the side to allow Remy to go to pay for their pizza, and turned to find that Em was still studying him. Maybe he was just trying to figure out what Roman actually looked like - it really didn’t look as though he should be wandering around without glasses.

“Um. Hi?”

Em startled, then chuckled. “Sorry! I took my glasses off earlier, I’m not really staring… I guess this is where I’m supposed to take advantage of the fact that Rem’s distracted and start threatening you so you don’t kiss my boyfriend again?”

Roman’s heart sank despite the pink-haired man’s lighthearted tone. “He told you, huh?”

“Yeah. It didn’t sound like a common occurrence, though. Rough day?”

“You could say that.” Roman laughed bitterly, and Em made a sympathetic sort of clucking sound with his tongue. “I’m not planning on repeating the mistake, that’s for sure.”

“Chalk it up as a learning experience,” he recommended, and Roman nodded slowly. “You’ll know what not to do next time.”

“Right. Thanks. So… Virgil. Is he at Patton’s?”

“Patton’s been living with us for almost three years, Roman. Something that is also your fault, by the way.” Remy had rejoined them, pushing the large box into his boyfriend’s hands and opening it to take a slice.

Another stab to the chest. Roman rubbed his free hand over his face. “I… Didn’t know.” Timewise, that lined up with the point at which Patton had stopped being so friendly towards him, but Roman still couldn’t figure out why.

“Of course not.” Remy scoffed, but softened a little when Em shifted the pizza box into one arm and squeezed his shoulder.

“He’s trying, babe. You have to give people the opportunity to make amends, even if you don’t have to let them back in…”

Remy let out what sounded like a frustrated groan, his shoulders slumping in defeat. “I hate it when you use your psychology voodoo on me…”

“That wasn’t voodoo, that was common sense.”

“Whatever. I still expect compensation.”

Roman cleared his throat, and Remy looked back at him. “They’re both over at Logan’s. I’ll text you the address.”

“Thank you, Remy. Thanks, Em. Um, enjoy your… Evening?”

Remy smirked at him.

Logan could not have lived further away from Virgil if they had tried.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. They still lived in the same town - it wasn’t as though they lived on the other side of the world or anything ridiculous like that. It was almost an hour’s walk through the stiflingly hot evening, though, and Roman had had to stop three times on the way over to sit down on a wall or in a bus stop because his head had started swimming. His hair was stuck to his forehead with a sheen of sweat when he finally did drag his feet up the small path to Logan’s home and pressed his finger against the bell.

Nothing happened for a few moments, and he was grateful for the time to regain at least a little of his composure.

“You look like shit.” It was Virgil’s voice - of course it was. Roman couldn’t imagine either Patton or Logan saying anything like that, and Logan didn’t have any siblings. “What are you doing here? I already told you I’m done informing for you.”

“I made cookies.” Roman started, then held out the box toward Virgil, who just looked confused. He was wearing a large hooded cardigan despite it being the middle of summer, a pair of sweatpants, and his bare feet were very pale against the dark carpet of the house. Without the eyeshadow he usually wore, he looked younger, somehow. Younger, and tired.

He didn’t move to take the container from Roman. “It’s eight at night - half eight. Why are you bringing cookies to my date’s house?” Virgil’s voice bordered on hostile.

Oh. Yeah, maybe Roman should actually explain his presence before expecting to be invited in. Especially given how much he had hurt his ex best friend. “I… I’m here to apologise.”

Virgil couldn’t have looked more surprised if Roman had just announced that he was going to become a clown, or astrophysicist, and the knife in Roman’s guts twisted slightly. Was an apology from him really such a shocking thing?

It must be.

And that… That felt bad.

“Apologise.” Although his voice was flat, Roman had a feeling that there was a lot going on behind Virgil’s dark eyes. “Apologise for what, exactly?”

Roman shifted and glanced over his shoulder. Although the sun was setting, it wouldn’t get dark for a while longer, and it was almost unbearably warm. “Can I come in? I…”

“What are you apologising for, Roman?” Virgil’s voice had taken on a brittle edge. “Because if you don’t know, you can just leave.”

Well. Roman’s tongue darted out to wet his peeling lower lip. “For… For Wednesday, for trying to… Well, blackmail you.” Virgil’s face closed down completely, and he turned to go back inside. “Wait!” Roman called, his voice cracking slightly. Virgil stopped, but didn’t turn back to face him. “Not just that. For - For everything. For ditching you for no reason. For using you - to get information, sure, but as a ticket to your brother’s friends’ parties, to make me feel better about myself and Remus, for… All of that. And… Remy mentioned how you, um… I want to apologise for not calling, or… Being there for you. And -”

Virgil had turned back to face him now, his jaw tight. He could have been about to cry, or about to punch him, and Roman had no idea which it was. He plunged on anyway.

“I want to apologise to Logan. For using them to drag my grades up and then ignoring them. For trying to use them to blackmail you. For being a generally dreadful person.”

Virgil glanced over his shoulder and into the house, then sighed and stepped back to allow Roman to follow him inside. Roman didn’t move. He had started, and he wanted to at least finish what amounted to a summary of why he was there.

“And to Patton. Only… I really don’t know what I did there. Remy just said something about him living with you being my fault, so…”

“Come on. And give me the cookies.” Virgil held out a hand until Roman gave him the box, then allowed Virgil to lead him through the house and into what had to be the living room. A large, squishy-looking couch was pushed against one wall, and a matching armchair stood beside it, both angled inward toward a wall-mounted television. An image of Ariel was frozen on the screen, the still from somewhere halfway through the movie: clearly, Roman had interrupted movie night. Patton was sitting in one corner, a bowl of popcorn between his knees. He looked around when Virgil entered, but his smile dropped to something less than radiant when he saw that Roman was with him. “What’s he doing here?”

Virgil left Roman standing awkwardly in the doorway and went to sit next to Patton, draping an arm over his shoulders, and the blond curled up against him. They both turned to look expectantly at Roman, who cleared his throat.

“Um… Where’s Logan?” He really only wanted to have to do this once.

“Praying. Al-maghrib. They’ll be back in a few minutes.” Virgil stole a handful of popcorn from the bowl in Patton’s lap and started eating it, not taking his eyes off of Roman, who was starting to feel very uncomfortable.

He gestured toward the squishy armchair. “Do you… Mind if I sit?”

Virgil shrugged. Patton slipped a hand under his glasses and rubbed at his eyes, then peered at Roman again. “You look… Paler than usual. I’ll be right back, Vee. Let go?”

He left the room, leaving Roman alone with Virgil’s icy gaze, and returned with a glass of water, which he handed to Roman. Roman smiled gratefully, but Patton just looked at him, and his smile slipped away quickly.

Several uncomfortable minutes passed in silence. Roman drained his glass of water quickly before putting it carefully on the floor by his feet, but then had nothing to distract himself from the two pairs of eyes boring into him. He was almost relieved when Logan stepped into the room - until they looked at him and frowned, making their way over to sit beside Virgil. “Why is Roman Wang in my house, guys?” They were wearing a navy blue sundress with a strawberry pattern on it. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Roman noted that it looked good on them. Then he felt even worse. What was wrong with him? “My parents are going to be home soon, and they’re expecting to find the three of us emotionally unscarred.”

Roman winced. Ouch. Neither Virgil nor Patton said anything - which he guessed he deserved, really - and then the three of them were cuddled together on the couch, all watching him.

He swallowed. No time like the present. He might as well start with his host. He was fairly certain he had the least to apologise for there, too.

“Logan, I… I was pretty awful to you when we met. I… Made fun of you for your desire to speak explicitly, and then I… Well, I flattered you until you agreed to tutor me, and then I went back to mocking you as soon as I passed the subject.” Roman hesitated, chewing at his lower lip as he tried to figure out how to proceed. He probably should have thought this through more before he had started talking.

“I am aware of those facts, Roman. Do you have a point, or are you here to bring up past hurts?” Logan didn’t sound particularly hurt - but that was another thing Roman had teased them for, he remembered. The robot jokes seemed less funny now, and more needlessly cruel.

“I’m sorry. I used you, and then I ditched you so that whoever I was trying to impress didn’t think I thought you were cool, and that was… A pretty horrible thing to do to you. It was completely out of line, and pointless. I hurt you, and I… I’m sorry.” Roman paused again, and risked another glance at the three of them. Did they look ever so slightly less strict than before? He hoped so.

“Oh. And I shouldn’t have tried to use you as blackmail material against Patton and Virgil. And I shouldn’t have tried to blackmail you two. That was just… So out of line. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t think I was thinking. I’m sorry.”

Did Logan nod? It looked as though they might have nodded. Emboldened, Roman turned his attention to Patton.

“And Patton, I… I’m ashamed to say that I’m not entirely sure what I did to you. Remy said you ended up moving in with the Spinces, but I… You can tell me, or you can not, but… Either way, I want to make it up to you. If you can give me pointers on what not to do next time, or something, I’d… Appreciate that.”

As he had spoken, Patton’s eyes had started watering, and he had nestled closer to Virgil, who was still staring at Roman as though he wasn’t sure what to make of him now, but Roman better start proving himself very quickly.

Patton’s voice was tremulous when he spoke. “I… I don’t think you meant to do it, you know? You just weren’t thinking about anybody other than yourself.”

“Like usual,” Virgil interrupted, and Logan shushed him by pressing a finger over his lips.

“You just… Well, my parents were... Speaking to you after that theatre performance you did, back in ninth grade, and… Well, they knew I was a guy after that.”

Oh. Oh, shit. Roman buried his face in both hands. He couldn’t remember the conversation, but he could fully believe that he had forgotten to use Patton’s old pronouns and deadname in front of his parents. He could fully believe that Patton’s deeply conservative parents would be intensely un-thrilled about having a son rather than the daughter they’d thought they had. “Pat, I… I am so, so sorry. Really. I… I wish I hadn’t.”

“Me too,” Patton murmured. “Me too.”

Virgil wrapped both arms around him and pulled him into his lap - an interesting decision, given that Patton was rather chubbier than Virgil and probably proportionally heavier, but not one that Roman could otherwise fault.

“I’m going to do better.” Was all Roman could say. Patton nodded, rubbing at his eyes again.

And then came the hardest part. The slimy, sick feeling in Roman’s stomach was back, had been there almost as soon as he had arrived outside of Virgil’s home, but now it increased tenfold.

“Virgil, I…” Roman’s mouth was dry again. He shouldn’t have drained his glass of water so quickly.

Virgil just looked at him, chin resting on Patton’s shoulder. Patton had turned so that he was curled against him now, feet stretched out to rest in Logan’s lap. His toes had been painted a bright blue.

No - he should look Virgil in the eyes while he did this. Licking his lower lip, Roman dragged his gaze back up to his pale, tired face. “I was a horrible friend toward you. I am… You deserved so much better than what I… I know I was an arse back then.”

“You never said a truer word, Princey.” Virgil shifted a little to take the hand that Logan was offering him, and they rubbed a thumb over his knuckles. “Although I’m going to have to correct that last sentence a little. Your status as an arse is ongoing.”

“Quiet, Doctor Doom ‘n’ Gloom. I’m trying to apolo… Uh. Sorry.”

Patton chuckled, and Logan turned their head to look incredulously at him. He fell silent, but not before Virgil had actually cracked a smile. He waved a hand for Roman to continue.

“It was deeply, deeply not okay of me to try to ditch you for some ‘cooler’ friends.” He made air quotes around the word. It hadn’t really sunk in until exactly that second that Virgil was the infinitely cooler one of the two of them: he had never tried to dress to fit in, had never changed his attitude or watered himself down when Roman had begged him to try to be a little more ‘normal’, and now he was curled up on a sofa with two people that he was clearly incredibly fond of while Roman had managed to drive away everybody that had ever cared about him.

“I shouldn’t have just started avoiding you. I… I really regret that now.” Virgil’s face hadn’t changed, but when Logan made a pained noise Roman glanced down to see that Virgil was gripping his hand so hard that he was leaving pale marks around his fingers where the blood wasn’t getting through. He swallowed again, harder this time. “And… When you were off school, at the start of eighth grade, I… Taking that as an opportunity to completely cut you out was one of the most stupid decisions I’ve ever made. I should have been there for you. I should have checked if you were alright, I should have… Well. I had no idea that you…” He gestured aimlessly at Virgil, who raised an eyebrow slowly. “I should have. You should have been able to talk to me, and I was a stupid, horrible jerk.”

What else was there for him to say? If he kept going, he would just keep repeating himself - even more so than he already had. Roman pressed the palms of his hands together in front of him.

“I… I don’t expect you to… You know, forgive me, or magically want to be friends again, or… Any of that. I hurt you. A lot. I just wanted - no, I needed to apologise. So… I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.”

He hadn’t started crying. If this had been a story, Roman thought, he would have started crying, and Virgil would have started crying, and they would have hugged, and everything would have been alright again. Instead, he just felt… Raw. As though he had reached down his throat, taken hold of a bramble that had been long rooted in the base of his torso, and ripped it out through his mouth. At the same time, though, he felt lighter than he could remember feeling in a long, long time.

Virgil regarded him for a long moment. Roman wanted to squirm under the intense gaze, but forced himself to remain motionless, holding his stare. He was holding his breath, he realised.

Finally, Virgil closed his eyes and sighed, and Patton snuggled closer to him. “Roman… You know, every time I imagined this, you came crawling back to me begging for forgiveness. And it was the most satisfying thing in the world to deny you that. To make you hurt even a tiny bit as much as I did.”

Roman nodded, forcing himself to exhale slowly. That was okay. He wasn’t really expecting forgiveness, after all.

“I think I’d forgive you,” Patton offered, and everybody looked at him. He went red. “Uh. For me, not for Virgil. I know you didn’t mean to out me, and… I don’t exactly know what’s caused this personality swap, kiddo, but I think you’re going to be more careful in the future.”

Now Roman felt his eyes growing damp, and he ducked his head gratefully. “Thanks… Thanks, Pat.”

“It appears as though you are a better person than I, Patton,” Logan added thoughtfully. “Given the amount of pain he has caused the two of you, I am wary to believe fully in any sudden transformations, especially when their cause is unknown.”

Roman nodded again. That was okay, too.

“I… Thank you for apologising, Roman.” It looked as though Virgil were turning the words over in his mind several times before he spoke them. “I think… I need time.”

Rubbing a hand across his eyes to dry them, Roman stood up. “Of course. Thank you for hearing me out, guys. I’ll show myself out…” He should leave. Hanging around wouldn’t make things any better, after all - that would probably just make everything incredibly awkward. He didn’t want to impose on movie night, anyway.

“Thanks for the cookies, Ro.” This time, Virgil actually gave him the very smallest smile.

There was a chance that, if he worked hard enough, they could be friends again.

It wasn’t until Roman got outside that he remembered that he was going to have to walk home again.

The following day, he spent an hour and a half on various buses on the way to see Remus. His parents had grounded him when he had gotten home the previous evening, so there was no way he could borrow one of their cars - but he wasn’t about to sit around in his room when he had so many things to fix.

Then, of course, he discovered that Remus didn’t want to see him.

He had been sitting in the visitation room again, watching the clock on the wall - it was only a little after nine in the morning; he was the first person there - for almost ten minutes when the guard that had showed him in came back over to his table to inform him that Remus Wang had refused to come out when he had been told the identity of his visitor.

Roman felt a dull pang in his chest at the words.

“Can you… Can you tell him that it’s important? That I’m here to apologise for some stuff? Please?”

“Fine.” The guard didn’t look impressed. “But I’m not a messenger. This is the only chance you get.”

She left and a different guard took her place at the door. Another ten minutes passed before she returned, this time with a distinctly pissed off looking Remus. He threw himself into the chair on the other side of the table, tugged briefly at the long sleeves of his jumpsuit, and then scowled up at Roman.

“I told you to fuck off less than a week ago, Ro-ro. You have five minutes - this had better be good.” There was a fresh bruise on his jaw, and Roman wanted to hug him.

Instead, he licked his lower lip. “I know about Janus.”

Remus’ face paled, and fear rippled across it - and Roman realised suddenly that the expression he had seen last time hadn’t been fear after all. What had it been, then?

“Don’t. Roman, whatever you’re thinking, don’t.”

“I-”

“Please.” Roman had never heard Remus say please like that before. It was as though he were begging. “Don’t do anything. You can’t.” No, he was begging. And the fear on Remus’ face - that had been fear of him.

And that felt like being punched in the gut.

“Remus - stop, I -” Impulsively, Roman reached across the table and grabbed Remus’ hands in his, squeezing them. Remus flinched - he had never been much of a fan of unprompted contact, Roman remembered suddenly - but stopped talking. “I’m not here about Janus.”

“Four.” Remus paused to clear his throat, looking as though he were trying to push down a torrent of words. Roman probably shouldn’t have started with Janus. “Four minutes.”

Roman shifted, then let go of his brother and pressed his palms together once more. “Look, I…”

“Three minutes and thirty seconds.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Really.” There was no question in Remus’ voice. There was nothing that sounded as though he believed Roman, either.

“Yes.” Roman couldn’t keep the fervour out of his voice, and he could tell that Remus was surprised by the emotion in the word. “Yes, Remus, I’m sorry. I - I’ve been a shitty brother. You were right.”

“Keep talking.”

“It’s been… Ages, since we were okay, and that’s… That’s largely my fault. Remus, I’m sorry. I’ve been using you as a scape-goat for years, and I don’t have any good excuse for it - other than being a coward. That’s all I have. I used you so that I could look perfect for - well, our parents, mostly, but everybody else as well.” He had half thought this speech through on the way over, but now that the time came to deliver it Roman found that he could barely remember his lines.

Maybe he wasn’t such a good actor after all.

“I - You deserved so much better. You deserved somebody in your corner, somebody you could talk to when you needed it, you deserved… I should have been there for you, and I wasn’t.” It occurred to him that this apology sounded very like the one he had given Virgil the previous evening - but hadn’t he done similar things to the pair of them? Cut them out, made them seem like the problem - or at least more of the problem than they were - in order to gain somebody else’s approval? “I ended up treating this, us being brothers, as a competition. For positive attention, and… I don’t know. I don’t know what I was thinking when I blamed the curtains on you, or the car, or Filo, or… Anything. I was just aware that you were used to being in trouble, and I used that.”

Remus was staring at the clock. His eyes had left Roman’s when he had called himself a coward; his hands, which had been pressed against the table, had been drawn back to his chest and he was fiddling with the cuffs of his sleeves. Was he still counting how much time Roman had left? Taking a deep breath, Roman hurried to continue.

“I used you, and I was never there for you, and I am really, really sorry for that. I - I want you to know that I’m going to do everything I can to make it up to you, Rem. I promise.”

Now Remus looked at him again, and there was something about his expression that made him look softer than he had in years. Maybe it was the way his eyes were damp and gleaming.

“Rem?”

Roman resisted the urge to reach out to squeeze Remus’ hands again - he was fairly certain that he wouldn’t want to be touched - and tilted his head, trying to work out what was going on behind his twin’s eyes.

Remus inhaled a slow, slightly shuddery breath, and hope kindled in Roman’s chest. “What did you do to him?”

Roman knew who he was talking about without having to ask. He swallowed hard. (Was this how Janus had felt, when Roman had called him back and then accused him of trying to hurt him and Remus? Every time Roman thought he couldn’t feel worse, he managed it). “I…”

“Lie to me,” Remus interrupted, his voice suddenly dark again, “and I’ll never forgive you. For any of it.”

It wasn’t as though there was any other response to that than the truth. This time it was Roman’s turn to break eye contact, and the groan from the other side of the table told him that Remus must have guessed at least part of it already. “I thought he had done something to land you in here. On purpose, I mean. There were… A lot of things about the crash that didn’t make much sense to me.” And he had been right - but not in any kind of way that made him feel good.

“And?” Remus prompted.

“I pretended to be his friend. For pretty much the last month.” Remus might be shorter than him, but with every word Roman felt as though he were shrinking.

“Oh, Ro-ro, you arsehole…”

Roman winced. “And on Friday, he uh… Asked me out. So I accused him of blackmailing you until you felt the only way to free yourself from him was to kill the two of you.”

“Fuck. Fuck, Roman, why would you -” Remus groaned, and let loose a string of expletives that would make a particularly rude sailor cover their ears. Roman was fairly certain that at least half of them were directed at him. He was approximately as tall as Remus’ ankle now, and growing shorter with every second.

“I know. I fucked up,” he offered, hoping to stem the tide of cursing. That only seemed to make it worse as Remus agreed emphatically.

When he finally seemed to have run out of incredibly creative and explicit ways of expressing his disgust, Remus looked him squarely in the eye. “He’s had this disgusting soft spot for you for over a year, and you… I warned him you’d only hurt him. And it looks like I was right, huh?”

Roman nodded, his throat sticking. How long had Remus known, been warning Janus to avoid him? “I… I pretty much went off the deep end. Been particularly awful to everybody for the last few weeks. Tried to blackmail Virgil into telling me about you and Janus. Tried to hook up with Remy. Hurt Janus.”

Remus winced. “You’re forgetting someone.”

“I’ve been awful to you for pretty much our entire lives, Rem. And I was apologising for that a second ago - I’m still trying t-”

“Not me, Ro-ro. Although I do expect better from you in the future, got it? You’re going to treat me as though I’m actually worth something. I’m not selling myself out again.” Roman nodded immediately, blinking back tears. “I meant, have you taken a look at yourself lately?”

Roman looked at him, not entirely understanding, and then glanced down. He was wearing a grey hoodie with his lucky red sash hung over his shoulders and a pair of dark jeans, and had actually bothered to brush his hair before leaving the house that morning. “I… Just said I’d been awful.”

“Not like that. You’ve lost enough weight to make a full-sized Roman flesh monster - starving yourself isn’t going to fix things.”

“Janus put it slightly more gently.”

Remus raised his eyebrows at him. “Janus is sickeningly besotted with you. I’m your brother. I’m capable of telling you things without filtering them.”

“I… I’m going to apologise to him, too. I saw Virgil yesterday - I would have come to you first, but by the time I woke up, visiting hours were over.” Roman shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “And I… I think he should turn himself in. You shouldn’t be in here.”

There was a loud thud: Remus had tugged too hard at his sleeve, his grip had slipped, and he had cracked his hand against the table. Cursing again, he shook it out before tucking it protectively under his armpit. “No.”

“No? Don’t tell me you want to be in here, I-”

“No,” Remus cut in. “I don’t. But do you know what Janus gets if he comes clean now?”

His voice had lowered, and Roman leaned in, shaking his head nervously.

“First he gets the drunk driving charge - a fine. Then he gets perjury. That’s a fine at the least, and two years at the most. He’ll never be allowed to become a lawyer. It’ll ruin him, Ro. I’m not doing that to him.”

“But - what about you?” Roman didn’t mention the fact that Remus appeared to have a better grip on the law than he did. Maybe it came from too many brushes with it, the uncharitable part of himself whispered. Or maybe it came from being best friends with an aspiring lawyer.

Remus chuckled faintly. “I’ll be out of here in two months if I keep up the good behaviour. Six in the worst case. And I never wanted to go to college or do big things anyway, you know that.” Did he know that? Had they ever had this conversation? Roman could only remember his parents’ disappointment that Remus hadn’t bothered handing in any college applications. “I’ve got an apprenticeship lined up for when I get out.”

Roman kept staring at him, and after a second Remus’ carefree expression became more serious.

“Roman… You were saying that I deserved someone in my corner, yeah? That was Janus. For years. Pretty much since Patton. Every time our parents decided I was too drunk or too messy or too… Bad, to come home. Every time I needed someone to curse to. Every time he needed someone to talk to. Every time his parents were piling the pressure so high he was suffocating under it.” Remus kicked his foot at a table leg, and the vibrations rang quietly through the air. “You, I’ll take the fall for you because you’re my brother. That’s it. That’s what I’m for. I don’t exactly get a choice. And it’s not like anyone would believe me if I did protest, anyway.”

“That’s not-” Roman fell silent when Remus held up a hand to stall his protest.

“Not exactly, but pretty much. Janus, though? I would volunteer to go through every torture imaginable to protect Janus Sinclaire. A few months in here is nothing. Nothing.”

Roman had never heard Remus speak so passionately about anything before. He allowed the silence to spool out between them, like the end of one of those old tapes that their mother kept in a box in the attic - at least until the tape rips and starts making that thrashing sound.

Then he cocked an eyebrow, hoping his luck would hold and that Remus wouldn’t decide that this was too much from a brother that hadn’t really been a brother for years. “Sounds like you’re the one with a crush on him, Rem.”

“Ew, no.” Remus actually snorted, brushing himself down as though suddenly covered in dust. “Get your gross amatonormativity away from me. I’d rather be crushed by a bus than have a crush - especially on my best friend.” He sounded so disgusted that Roman couldn’t hold in his own chuckle, and that made the smirk on Remus’ face broaden to unsettling proportions, which only made him laugh more.

Maybe, just maybe, things could be okay between them.

He spent an hour there before Remus finally dismissed him, half standing and waving a hand at him. “Go on, jerk. Go apologise to my best friend. And get something to eat - if I hear that you’ve skipped one more meal, I’m going to hunt you down, pull out your teeth, and stick them in your ears.”

Roman’s smile slipped a bit. He had almost managed to put Janus’ distraught face out of his mind, but now it came rushing back. “Remus… If he doesn’t forgive me, will you…”

There was an uncharacteristically gentle look on Remus’ face when he did answer. “He’ll forgive you. Especially if you prove that you really are trying to be better. That’s all any of us need, really: you trying to be better.” He cleared his throat. “Shouldn’t be hard, of course. If the bar were any lower, you’d have to tunnel down to find it.”

“I deserved that, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you did.” Remus stretched, and his spine made a series of the most disturbing popping noises Roman had ever heard. Remus cackled at the expression on his face, then waved his hand again. “Apologise. Scat, Roman. Shoo. Go away, go apologise, go clear up this huge mess you’ve managed to make. And maybe try to figure out what you’re going to say next time Janus takes it into his thick skull to ask you out, yeah? I’ll be here next time you visit, and if I have to hear you whining about how your response wasn’t romantic enough I’ll take a hammer to both our heads.”

Roman nodded, and Remus grinned at him again. “Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Janus isn’t stupid enough to try that again…”

“You’d be surprised. Maybe not today, but eventually...”

Roman scoffed and got up to leave, watching the guard that had brought Remus in approach. “Remus? Thank you. So much.”

Remus flipped him off. Roman returned the gesture with both hands, then left before Remus could figure out a worse comeback.

Roman was almost looking forward to apologising to Janus as he left the prison and went to find the bus stop. A significant part of it was because with each person he had spoken to over the last twenty-four hours - Remy, Logan, Patton, Virgil and now Remus - the ball of worms in his stomach had gotten smaller, his insides had gotten a little warmer; a weight that he hadn’t even realised he had been carrying for what might be years now, had lightened.

By the time he had made peace with Janus, he would probably just float away from the ground all together, Roman mused.

But it wasn’t just that. Now that Roman allowed himself to look at the past few weeks without the suspicious, vengeful, hateful lenses he had been using, he found that spending time with Janus had been the highlight of the last week. It had helped him forget, just a little, that he had been indirectly responsible for his twin’s fate - he still wasn’t sure why Janus had been driving his car that night, he realised - and as much as he had tried to tell himself that it was because he was gathering evidence to protect Remus, that hadn’t been entirely true.

Roman remembered the look on Janus’ face when he had told him how he felt, remembered the way his hair had looked like a halo in front of the bright lights of the sports hall, remembered how having Janus’ arm around his waist had felt more comforting than anything he had felt in a long time, and swallowed hard.

If Janus was willing to forgive him to the point that he would ask him out again, Roman knew exactly what he was going to say.

Taglist:

@bloodymari-0666

#roman sanders #remus sanders #janus sanders #only he doesn't appear in this one #patton sanders #is trans in this AU #don't think I mentioned that before #logan sanders #remy sanders #is dating #emile sanders #virgil sanders #we're approaching the final chapter guys #but there'll be an epilogue after that #so much apologising here

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halothenthehorns · 3 years

Text

TLTNL- THE WOES OF MRS. WEASLEY

Lily had to demand the book from Sirius as he was still scrutinizing Dumbledore's departure like that, and he handed it over reluctantly. Before she could get started he said, "can we please take a break, just a quick thirty minutes to do something other than this mess. I really don't want to get started with something all over again already." Harry looked just as exhausted as him and eagerly agreed, and the moment everyone agreed he at once demanded of his Godfather if he could hear some more fun stories of the Marauder's pranks at school. Sirius easily roped James into that conversation and Remus would never resist breaking in as well. Lily watched them peacefully go through several stories, her favorites usually the ones on each other, but the longer they kept going the harder it was to keep leaving one person out. They'd spent seven years as a foursome after all, and it was getting more obvious by the moment they couldn't blot him out of all their adventures.

Still it had been worth it when finally all of their laughter subsided and they all looked almost normal and peaceful again while Lily got herself started.

Dumbledore's abrupt departure took Harry completely by surprise. He remained sitting where he was in the chained chair, struggling with his feelings of shock and relief.

Harry was all the more happy for the little break he'd just had, it gave him some distance so he wasn't as hurt by that as he was at the time, and he did feel a bit better when he watched those around him either frown or scowl at this rather rude dismissal. Sure it wouldn't do for Dumbledore to show favoritism to Harry in that moment, but even a quick word goodbye would have been better than nothing.

The Wizengamot were all getting to their feet preparing to leave. Harry stood too and nobody seemed to be paying him the slightest bit of attention, except the toad like witch on Fudge's right, who was now gazing down at him instead of Dumbledore.

Harry felt that nasty, prickling feeling returning at once at her mentioning, and he wished he understood why. Surely she had nothing to do with his life.

He turned to leave, hesitated in case someone called him back, but when no one did he began a very fast walk to the door.

"Escape while you can before they throw something else at you," Remus sighed in agreement.

He reached the door practically at a run, then nearly collided with Arthur who was pale and looking even more apprehensive than when Harry had gone in as he asked what had happened, Dumbledore hadn't said.

Remus tried for a more open expression in regards to saying, "well if he didn't even say anything to Arthur then I'm positive it really was a matter of something else other than this place he had to attend to."

"Yeah, I guess," Harry agreed, feeling only the smallest margin better it hadn't just been him who'd been dismissed like that.

Harry explained his current circumstances as cleared of all charges, and Arthur's face broke into a wide grin of how good that news was. Of course there was nothing to convict, he hadn't been guilty, but nobody could pretend- he broke himself off,

"Honestly that's for the best, he can't have gone anywhere pleasant from there," James shook his head fondly, regretting not having done something similar to his son when he seemed so pleased at Arthur's reaction, but now it would just look silly when the moment had passed.

because the courtroom was pouring out behind Harry now, and Arthur was gaping in shock he'd been tried by the full court.

"Can't wait for him to pass that along," Lily huffed, "I'm hoping it'll drop Fudge's credibility even more."

One or two gave Arthur a nod as they passed, such as Madam Bones who even greeted him with a good morning, but most ignored his existence as thoroughly as the wall like Fudge. The toad like witch,

"Are you going to keep referring to her like that?" Sirius snickered, honestly amused at what he considered a running insult from Harry after he'd gotten her name.

"Yes," Harry said back flatly, causing his smirk to disappear at once as they all scrutinized Harry's look. What had this woman done to him to cause such bad feelings when she hadn't actually done a thing yet? He was acting more hostile towards her than Fudge.

took one last moment to watch him as she passed by. Last to leave was Percy.

Lily winced at even the idea of having to read out such a harsh reaction she expected a parent to have around their own child, yet Arthur utterly deserved whatever was said to Percy, it still left a bitter taste in her mouth before she even knew what was to be done.

Aside from the tightening lines around his mouth, Arthur turned away with no notice he'd just seen his third child.

Lily groaned and shook her head miserably, there was no way that could have been good, but did the boys really have to look so hateful while she said it. She supposed it was better than the lashing argument she'd just pictured herself.

He waited until Percy had vanished before beckoning Harry that he could go back and tell the others the good news now, Arthur still had to see to that toilet in Bethnal Green.

"Was honestly hoping you'd go along," Sirius gave a believable smile to that.

"I'm sure I can give you details later when he tells that night," Harry chuckled at the enthusiasm.

Harry asked what was going to be done to the toilet with a grin, everything seemed five times funnier than normal to him.

"That's usually how it works," Remus smiled in full agreement as the feeling poured back over him he hadn't felt in a few years now but he honestly missed, this must be ten times more powerful to something so strong as what Harry had just gone through.

It was starting to sink in: he was cleared, he was going back to Hogwarts.

"Knew it all along," James gave a pompous smile. "Course all you had to do was look at this books length, or Merlin we could have even skipped ahead."

"Oh, now you suggest that," Harry chuckled.

Arthur began explaining the charm used was a simple enough fix, no the real problem was the vandalism itself and what it stood for. Muggle-baiting was an expression of a much deeper- he stopped himself in mid sentence.

"That always seems to happen during the important conversations," Lily sighed as she'd completely agreed with what Arthur was saying.

They'd reached back to the main landing where the lift and door were, to see Fudge speaking to a tall, blond figure with a pale face.

Harry extra despised that cold feeling of dread wrapping around him, forcing him to relive a memory he'd already regained just because of the sight of this man. Though he hadn't seen his face, the last time Lucius Malfoy had been in his presence was in that graveyard, groveling to Voldemort-

His recurring nightmare was interrupted by his dad whispering hatefully, "unless he's in handcuffs, I hope Arthur has the sense to keep you away from him."

"Considering the last time his name was mentioned in relation to Fudge, I wouldn't hold your breath mate," Sirius could already feel his lip curling into a sneer.

The second they'd arrived, the other two broke off whatever they were speaking of as well, Malfoy's cold grey eyes fixing Harry with a stare as he called to him Patronus Potter.

"I see where the young Malfoy gets his wit from," Remus rolled his eyes at the lame insult.

Harry felt winded, as the last time he'd been in the presence of this man was in the graveyard, listening to that voice jeer at him through a Death Eater's hood for Voldemort to continue torturing him.

James could feel himself going for his wand again, now regretting his angry actions this morning just because he wanted to be back beside his son now. It only helped ease his hand away but worsen his mood when Sirius gave Harry a soft nudge and muttered something to him, and he blinked around before smiling at him.

Too see him here, talking to Fudge just weeks after Harry had told Fudge this left Harry breathless.

Mr. Malfoy continued by saying the Minister had just been informing him of Potter's lucky escape.

"The fact that you call him mister," Sirius scoffed while trailing more silently in mutters about that.

It was astonishing really, how he kept wriggling out of tight holes, almost snakelike.

"Well he'd know all about that," Remus snapped, "glory, I think that was almost a compliment."

"Then I'm all the more insulted," Harry groused.

Mr. Weasley gripped Harry's shoulder in warning.

"I'm sure Arthur needs that just as much to hold himself back," Lily's lip was shaking with anger as she forced herself not to start cursing something. "I still treasure the idea of him hitting that man with a book on toadstools."

"You and me both love," James agreed.

Harry quietly agreed he'd always been good at escaping.

Sirius gave a soft, bitter laugh that he couldn't feel, but Harry deserved someone to admire his humor in the face of that.

Malfoy turned his attention to Arthur now, asking in astonishment what he was doing here?

"Escorting a friend, not that he'd understand what that meant," Remus muttered, not having missed the fact that the two people who should have been there for Harry were busy hiding out.

Mr. Weasley gave the curt reply that he worked here.

Malfoy raised a disbelieving brow as he demanded not here, he'd been under the impression his job implied bewitching useless Muggle artifacts.

"I really didn't think there was a bad way to say that, but Malfoy really managed it," Sirius huffed.

Arthur just said a simple no, his nails now digging into Harry's shoulder.

Even as Lily winced in sympathy Harry's face didn't even do that for the remembered feeling, he was too busy glaring at nothing and wishing he could punch Malfoy in his face already.

Harry demanded of Malfoy what he was doing here, and Malfoy stated that was none of Potter's business while smoothing out his robes.

Harry was distracted from his anger at Malfoy to really ponder that question though, since for some reason he couldn't identify he didn't like the answer given. Why? It wasn't even unrealistic, but something about that corridor and Malfoy was trying to be much louder in his mind than he would allow it.

Harry distinctly heard the gentle clinking of what sounded like a full pocket of gold.

"Subtle," James snorted in disgust.

Fudge still pointed out this should be taken somewhere more private, and the two swept off for the lift, Mr. Weasley not letting go of him until they were out of sight.

"Again, I feel that's more for his benefit than Harry's," Sirius sneered, knowing he'd have to have someone hold him back as well when faced with that man.

Harry demanded why Malfoy hadn't just been waiting in Fudge's office if they had business. What was he doing down here?

Lily froze, cocked her head to the side, and stated, "that's a really good question."

"I, err, well maybe he was meeting up with some other Death Eater that works at the Ministry," Sirius offered. "Arthur said it himself, that's not a commonly frequented area, and I don't think Malfoy probably hadn't known the times were changed, so maybe he just got caught being down there and made, something up," he trailed off unhappily, but Harry was watching with wide, eager eyes for him to keep going. Harry was entirely sure Sirius was very close to being onto something, but none of the others looked very convinced as this was very blatant and almost dumb for Malfoy to be trying to do such a thing.

Mr. Weasley suggested trying to sneak into the courtroom,

Harry fidgeted with unease, as sure that Mr. Weasley was lying as he was that Sirius was far more on track. The two just would not come together for him to make sense of.

looking extremely agitated and glancing over his shoulder as though making sure they could not be overheard.

Harry opened and closed his mouth, starting to shake slightly as word vomit threatened to blow his head off as he was confident in that moment Arthur was looking back for an entirely different reason! To check on-

"Whoa Harry," James finally lost his compulsion so that he was sitting on the arm of the sofa next to Harry. "What's gotten into you? The trial's over, you're going back to school, I'm confident Malfoy won't do anything in the meantime."

Harry had to concentrate very hard on the sound of his voice to unscrew his face and take a deep breath before offering a shaky smile at him, and even that wasn't enough to erase the build of unease that left him sitting that much closer to Sirius.

James, finding himself more intruding than anything when he saw that, went back to his spot and tried to pretend like he hadn't seen any such thing.

Harry asked what private business they had that was so important anyways, and Arthur explained gold. Malfoy kept himself well connected with everyone by constantly donating to whomever he pleased.

Lily would have normally been trying to subtly comfort her husband for what had just happened, but she was too busy grinding her teeth in frustration that was all it took to get in with people, money. Apparently morals weren't worth as much!

They got into the elevator by themselves, and it took Harry a few stops to ask if Fudge was seeing Death Eaters in private, what if he was under the Imperius Curse?

"Honestly if you hadn't had that moment with him at the end of last year, I'd agree," Remus grumbled. "Sadly, as no one at that time had the chance to Imperius him before he acted the way he is, I think he's just an idiot all on his own."

"Jr. could have done it before he took me to his office," Harry persisted even if he didn't feel anything telling him this was the right line of questioning, he should in fact still be more focused on that door-

"I don't see it, he was too busy watching you, it just didn't seem part of the plan," Lily shook her head. Harry was at least grateful he'd asked then just to make sure that train of thought kept getting cut off.

"How do you even prevent a Minister from falling under that though?" He pushed for more, some distant part of him still afraid for this fact.

"The Minister works in very close contact with a lot of people," Remus reminded. "Why do you think Crouch got 'sick' while he was Imperiused, there's just no way to have someone fake it for a long enough period of time it wouldn't get suspicious and someone would look into him, start asking questions. Sorry Harry," he finished truly apologetically, "I guess it would be easier to blame someone else on this problem with magic, but that doesn't usually work."

Harry just sighed but let the matter go.

Arthur agreed the thought had crossed their mind, but for now Dumbledore was sure that Fudge was acting of his own accord, which the headmaster also agrees, isn't much comfort.

Sirius snorted lightly as he realized Remus and Dumbledore had essentially said the same thing, but he didn't really want to compare Moony to Dumbledore right now.

Then adding on more quietly it was best not talk about this right now.

"That's true to," James agreed, "you are in enemy territory."

As they made it to the atrium and were fixing to leave, Harry paused at the golden statue again, and asked Mr. Weasley to wait for him as he reached for his money bag.

Lily felt the happy giggle slide from her with what felt like the first true ease in this book. Something as whimsical as her son keeping this promise was a treasure to her.

Harry got a much more close up look at the designs now, and found that the handsome wizard looked weak and foolish up close. All of the others admiring expressions upon seeing this man were entirely ridiculous from what Harry knew of centaurs and goblins. The only accurate one was the house-elf.

"I'm glad you see the truth in that thing," James happily agreed.

"I honestly think that's why that attempted assassination on Spout-Hole happened," Remus smirked, then catching sight of Harry's bewildered look he explained, "a group of centaurs tried to kill a past Minister, Faris Spavin, and I've no doubts it really had something to do with the timeframe this statue was put up."

Harry didn't have it in him to deny someone deserved a good reality check for thinking up this statue.

With a grin at the thought of what Hermione would say if she could see the statue of the elf,

Harry felt a nasty tug on the edges of his memory, thinking he was now being ridiculous that Hermione and him at the Ministry at the same time shouldn't cause any bad feelings...

as he turned his moneybag upside-down and emptied not just ten Galleons, but the whole contents into the pool.

Lily let out a whistle in surprise, as she knew she kept a few galleons on her, but no one could do anything but smile at Harry for this spot of kindness.

Harry in no way regretted his actions of course, but he was thinking hard to himself why that felt so ominous to him, that statue and also that hospital...

Ron punched the air in triumph as he screamed he knew it!

"So I'm guessing you're back at that place." Sirius hadn't been in a particularly good mood while hearing of Harry at the Ministry, but this was honestly only making him feel worse.

As a natural reaction but also hoping it would cheer him up, Remus gave a sarcastic little applause for Sirius' brilliant thinking, while Lily was ignoring them both.

He always got away with stuff!

"Well he's not wrong," Remus snickered while Sirius released a bark of laughter for that being true.

Hermione was still shaking from anxiety as she told him this was bound to happen, there hadn't been a case against him.

Harry smiled around at them all that they seemed quite relieved considering how convinced they all were he'd get off.

"That's right Harry," James nodded in pure agreement, "mock them for trying to comfort you to your face."

"So long as they were silently worrying while you weren't watching," Sirius giggled in agreement.

Mrs. Weasley was wiping her face with relief as well, while Fred, George, and Ginny were doing a war like dance, chant around the room about how 'he got off!'

Sirius didn't even consider denying his spark as he got to his feet, James moving only a step behind him as the two began bouncing around their own room doing the exact same thing. Remus only watched long enough to see the pattern the two quickly took to before joining with a stupid grin in place as well.

Harry was about ready to fall off the couch laughing any second and Lily in no way looked like she was going to be stopping them any time soon. They all, especially James, had been so tense lately that it was good to see him acting like an idiot goofing off with his friends again. Finally though, she did pick the book back up and kept going over their noise.

Arthur tried without emphasis to get them to stop while turning to Sirius and telling him about Lucius Malfoy hanging around the Ministry. All the while in the background the three were going as loud as ever while Mrs. Weasley cut in for them to be quiet.

Lily read that part just a bit more loudly, hoping they'd take a hint soon even if she couldn't wipe the smile off her face while doing so, but the lot of them ignored her.

Arthur just explained what they'd briefly seen, and as soon as Sirius promised they'd pass this along to Dumbledore, Arthur said he had to get going. There was a vomiting toilet waiting for him.

"A once in a lifetime experience I'm sure," Harry snickered to himself, his eyes still dancing as he watched the three of them still mimicking his past with amusement.

Mrs. Weasley finally cut off her three noisy children in a sharp voice,

Lily had said that in such a sharp 'mother' voice, that Sirius stumbled in surprise, Remus tried to catch him, and the end results were all three on the ground still laughing like crazy people. Lily was still going as if this was all perfectly normal background to her reading, which it honestly was.

then she turned on Harry and insisted he eat something.

His friends sat down around him as Harry felt the warmth and friendliness of this place for the first time. Even Kreacher's ugly snout like nose poking around the corner seemed friendlier than usual.

Harry's good mood could find no reason to dampen in here either, as for what felt like the first time in ages he was confident that house should always feel like that to him. It was so nice to watch the boys untangling themselves and still smirking at their spot of fun and his mother's purely happy smile he almost wanted to ask her to stop just for a moment so it wouldn't end, but he'd sadly already come to the conclusion time stopped for no one, not even someone out of time.

Ron was dishing food onto everyone's plates.

"That's how I love to celebrate," James snickered as he settled back into his seat next to his wife.

Harry explained Dumbledore was the man to be grateful to, only just managing to stop himself adding it would have been nice if he'd just looked at him once, but that sounded too childish.

"I don't find that childish at all," Sirius pushed his hair out of his face just in time for a frown to reappear there as he thought back to Dumbledore again. "He really was acting off right there, couldn't be bothered to look at you once that whole time. That's most certainly not normal."

Harry wished that nasty tingling sensation would vanish already instead of agreeing with Sirius.

As he thought this, the scar on his forehead burned so badly that he clapped his hand to it.

Lily jolted in surprise of reading that, knowing if she hadn't just cut the boys off seconds ago that would have as they all paled for this being mentioned again while Harry's smile flickered before vanishing entirely as he was reminded of that.

Sirius was entirely ready to get up and start the jig up all over again before he realized Harry was trying to sit so close to him, and decided for now the best course of action was just to remind his pup everything would turn out okay by staying right where he was.

Hermione looked at him in concern, but he just muttered it was nothing and that it happened all the time now. No one else had noticed a thing, they were still gloating over Harry's newest escape.

Sirius' frown was starting to make a reappearance as well, feeling like smacking himself upside the head if he really hadn't noticed Harry's moment of pain. What exactly had he been doing not to have seen that?

Remus was thinking the exact same thing, and was honestly even more annoyed with himself he didn't even seem to be in the room. What business had he done that was so important he wouldn't have stuck around the house to hear this news as soon as possible?

Fred, George, and Ginny were still singing, but while Hermione was still looking anxious Ron was saying Dumbledore would probably make an appearance tonight to celebrate with them.

"I sure hope he does," James hated watching his two friends suddenly dim right back down into that somber mood this whole book seemed to be leaving on all of them after just a few moments and vented that by saying, "the man needs a few good words said to him by both Harry and Sirius now."

"Here's hoping," Lily agreed quietly.

Mrs. Weasley corrected her son that most likely not, while setting a whole plate of chicken in front of Harry,

"Did she expect you to eat all that?" Sirius did a very good attempt at putting up a smile back in place.

Harry helped nothing by not answering, still seeming distracted by running his hand over his scar which seemed to be bothering him more this year than any before.

but was cut off by saying anything else by her three kids reaching shouting levels of their chant, which she matched in telling them to shut up.

Over the next few days though, Harry noticed one person in particular didn't seem overjoyed at Harry's return to school.

"Kreacher ruins everybody's good mood," Sirius agreed solemnly.

Sirius had at first congratulated him upon the news like everyone else, but directly after he was hardly seen around Harry or anyone, spending most any moment shut in his mother's room with Buckbeak.

"Oh," Lily uttered by the end as they all looked like they'd been hit in the gut. "Oh Sirius," Lily tried to start, not even sure herself what was going to come out, but Sirius snapped back at once with his eyes flat black.

"Don't you even Evans-"

"Potter," James corrected on instinct, though he too looked ready to say something, Sirius continued even louder-

"Potter then, the both of you." He sat there struggling for a moment to put into words that he didn't want to hear their sympathies on his sad state of a future if he even for a moment was acting like that towards Harry, but at the same time the words just wouldn't come as he could all to easily picture it. The only thing that had gotten him through his summers there were waiting on the letters from his friends, and he no longer even had that in that miserable place. Now he was looking at even more of that away from Harry, and even Remus it seemed as he'd been mentioned there all of three times instead of up Sirius' butt like he'd have hoped his friend would be to keep his mind off where he was.

He was almost grateful he didn't have the chance to say any of that as Remus cut in with an almost gentle scolding, "haven't we been over this. There's no point tearing into him when he isn't treating Harry that way now, he's never going there, so this won't ever happen."

Lily still felt like she should say something to him, either a promise she didn't blame him even if he was secretly wanting that or to offer up some suggestions of how to make this even a bit better, but Sirius was clearly relieved at avoiding this all together so she kept going in hopes the whole topic would pass quickly and they could just be with Harry in school again where hopefully nothing too eventful would happen.

James didn't entirely agree, he was a bit convinced there was something else going on with his best mate entirely and so avoiding Harry was just a byproduct of that, but he supposed his Sirius wouldn't know what anyways and kept his mouth shut, for now.

When Harry pointed this out to his friends one day while the three were cleaning out a cupboard, Hermione's first words were to sternly tell him not to go feeling guilty, Sirius was being selfish if he thought Harry should not be going back to school.

"Hey!" James snapped at once, his eyes flashing with such protection Harry was suddenly grateful his wish had never come true and Hermione wasn't here with them, she'd be getting an ear full from his dad.

He couldn't even think up a defense for her, he'd have liked to snap at her right now as well for speaking of his godfather like that while he was talking about his problems, a little sympathy wouldn't have hurt for as much as she showed towards Kreacher.

Remus was flushed in anger as well, he was almost glad of his absence now as he liked to think if he had been present for that he'd have snapped at Hermione for speaking about Sirius like that. He was many things, yes even selfish at times, but not for such an important matter as Harry continuing going to school.

Lily's lip seemed to be curling a bit in that sneer she so often got when speaking about Snape lately. Hermione had always been a vivacious child when she was speaking of what she thought, but while Lily encouraged and even admired that about her, now she was turning what she thought were her ideas on her friend, and she did not read this bit lightly.

Ron scolded her that was harsh, pointing out she wouldn't want to be shut in this house all alone either.

Sirius blinked sourly at the stupid book, still wishing more than anything he could find something in him to deny that claim...and coming up empty.

Hermione reminded he wouldn't be alone, this was Headquarters, he'd have company over all the time.

"Being around the Order all the time holds nothing to being around family," James hissed under his breath. His most daunting missions he'd ever taken were the extended ones away from his own, even when he did have a partner. That person, while a mutual friend, still couldn't replace who he really wanted to see.

He'd just gotten his hopes up Harry was coming here permanently.

Harry corrected Sirius had never agreed Harry could stay here with him.

"It only would have made you feel like the answer was inevitable," Sirius told Harry quietly, who nodded in agreement, he hadn't really held that against Sirius. He'd never thought Sirius would turn him down, but it was nice to still get a reason.

Hermione wisely said he just hadn't wanted to get his own hopes up all the more.

"Not my choice of words," Lily huffed, "more like pompously."

"She'll be the next Percy if she keeps telling people how they should be feeling," Remus agreed, thinking back to how she'd been acting in third year as well.

He was probably feeling his own guilt, hoping Harry would lose, so that they could both be outcasts.

Harry hadn't felt this angry at Hermione since she'd gotten his firebolt taken away, and this was so much worse than that. Sirius was on the run for the murder of his brother because of a long standing friend who'd left him framed and for dead, while Harry was about to be kicked out of school! They weren't comparable problems, and Sirius would never think to insinuate otherwise!

Harry shot back she was being ridiculous, but Hermione shrugged without remorse as she said she believed Ron's mum might be right, and Sirius seemed to get Harry and his own father confused.

Sirius felt like he'd been slapped. He certainly felt the hot burn rushing his throat and threatening to overflow onto his face through his eyes as he found that was proof of what Molly had said earlier. If even Hermione had caught him doing or saying something-

"That arrogant little shit!" James howled, looking as angry as when Sirius had been sent off to Azkaban without a trial. "He's been living in hell for how many years now, and she goes turning any sign of him wanting to reminisce to Harry about me into him being a loon! For Merlin's sake, he's done nothing but try to do everything for Harry since he got out, has everyone just forgotten that!"

"Prongs." The soft little voice was the only thing that could have cut him off, and James had to work hard to focus on him through blurry red vision to see such a resigned expression.

He wasn't having that as he hissed back, "I'm getting sick and tired of hearing people talk about you like this, when none of them can claim to know you worth a damn. Why am I the only one getting hacked off about this?" He finished more towards Remus than anyone.

"You're not," he said at once in short, clipped sentences to keep his own anger held in, "but you were doing such a good job vocalizing I'd be remiss to cut you off or even add in."

"Stop, please," Sirius cut in with more force before any return could be made. He faltered a bit, knowing he'd catch hell in here if he told them the real reason he couldn't work up the steam over this was because he honestly feared how true it was, so instead he put out, "I just, can't get worked up over thinking of myself in any sense in that future, so I'd rather, you know, not think about it anymore than I can." He finished in a tiny voice, clearly not doing as good a job as he'd intended in keeping his real thoughts out of his tones as James's face suddenly flipped to concern, but Lily seemed to understand best of all as she respected his wishes and wouldn't let anyone say another word as she kept going.

Harry was getting angry as he demanded if she thought his godfather was touched in the head?

Hermione denied that claim, but did say he'd been lonely for a very long time in a simple voice.

Remus had to work very hard not to spit out, 'so that's a sign of insanity now?!' When in all honesty that was the most true thing Hermione had ever said, and no one, clearly not him, seemed to be going out of their way to help Sirius anymore than keeping him at arms distance from the one person who could have made that more bearable.

Mrs. Weasley came in then, asking if they were finished cleaning this cupboard they'd been working on this whole time.

"That's gratitude for you," Sirius muttered just for something new to say and still not looking at anyone.

Ron said bitterly he'd been hoping she'd come to give them a break.

She reminded they'd been so keen on helping the Order, they were doing just that by making this place livable.

Lily gave a hollow laugh as the phrase, 'be careful what you wish for,' flitted across her mind.

Ron grumbled they'd been working like house-elves in here, while Molly just turned to leave.

Hermione rather liked the idea though, saying maybe now he'd take a real interest in SPEW.

Lily had to work very hard to keep the bitterness out of her voice Hermione so easily flipped subjects like that. As if talking about Sirius were inconsequential and instead she could make them hear more about house-elves, again. Those boys clearly cared nothing for her thinking on this, and this one just never seemed to take a hint. They were all in such a bad mood, none of them even had the fun to point out Hermione had just referred to her own organization by Ron's stupid name.

Then she added to herself this could bring more awareness to all Gryffindor's if she sponsored a common room cleanup, all proceeds going to the campaign of course.

"More like she'd have to pay them to be doing any such thing," Sirius sighed as he still couldn't find a smile in himself to put up. It wasn't helping no one, not even Harry, was playing along.

Ron muttered he'd sponsor her to shut up about SPEW, but so only Harry could hear.

Sirius gave an obnoxiously loud laugh for himself just having mimicked Ron, at least making Remus roll his eyes again, something Sirius was confident he'd never grow tired of.

Harry found himself daydreaming about Hogwarts more and more as the end of the holidays approached; he could not wait to see Hagrid again,

Harry had some sad little frown on his face he didn't seem aware of at the mention of that,

to play Quidditch,

and no one noticed him wince slightly as without fail, the other boys managed some small enthusiasm for that word alone.

and to simply stroll across the vast lawns. He was always sure to talk about this when Sirius wasn't in the room.

Sirius wished a Bludger would come knock him stupid already just so he didn't have to see Harry look shameful at that!

The fact was that living at the Headquarters of the anti-Voldemort movement was not nearly as interesting or exciting as Harry would have expected before he'd experienced it.

James ran his hand furiously through his hair as he realized what Hermione had said clearly wasn't going to come back up so he could keep going, and he wasn't even sure if he could have anyways after his brothers pitiful little attempts to deflect him from it. That didn't make his simmering anger feel any better, but he managed a mask that at least resembled his joking tone as he told Harry, "nothing ever is."

Harry had to push through his mind to force himself back into this conversation before he simply responded, "Quidditch," and was thankful a second mentioning of it only left another dull sadness in him he didn't have to examine.

"Okay, most things," he conceded.

Members did still frequently come and go, but Mrs. Weasley always made sure all ears, extendable or not, were no where in the area. No one, not even Sirius, had done a thing to give Harry more information since his first night there.

Harry gave an exaggerated groan and a playful nudge to his godfather that went completely ignored.

On the last day of term, the book lists finally came in.

"Oh wow," Lily blinked in surprise and almost relief at this new topic. "I thought that was just glossed over like last year, hadn't realized you hadn't even gotten them yet."

"What are they playing at sending that the day before school starts," Remus agreed in surprise. "Can you imagine how packed Flourish and Blotts is going to be, everyone trying to get that last book for their Defense class. At least the others the parents could have gotten already."

"You do bring up the fun question of who it's going to be this year," Sirius was really trying to put some enthusiasm into chatting about this, but Harry very clearly did not agree as he pleaded his mother to cut him off and go on, they'd get their answer soon enough, and he already had a bad feeling about it.

Harry was standing on a chair cleaning up some owl droppings from on top of their wardrobe as Ron passed Harry his. He chucked the waste into a basket that swallowed the lot with a belch and accepted his letter.

"One of the few good features in that house," Sirius chuckled, "my favorite part being, it spits whatever you threw in there right back up a few minutes later. Great for saying you cleaned your room so you can scarper and then blame the mess on someone later."

"I can't imagine how someone would find a use for that," Lily told him deadpan.

He opened his letter and found only two new books, the Standard new charms book, and Defensive Magical Theory by Wilbert Slinkhard.

"That sounds extraordinarily boring," Sirius snorted, forcing himself to get into this now despite Harry's lack of enthusiasm. "Are you sure you can't come back Moony? At least you wouldn't be caught dead assigning anything that has such a title you'd use it for a pillow."

Remus gave an exaggerated eye roll for what he felt was a stupid question, while James sighed and forced himself to add in as well even if he'd prefer to hold onto his anger some more. "You know, it never even mentioned what book you did assign," with a curious look at Harry.

"We only ever studied out of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them," Harry shrugged, "he didn't assign any other specific books. I was grateful, as the only other thing I'd used it for before then was just to look up some creature I heard an older student mention and I didn't know." He finished himself off with a curious look though before adding on, "how come that's a first year book anyways? Care of Magical Creatures isn't even mandatory."

"It's intended for individual studies," Lily told, "so that you have a basic understanding of magical creatures on hand even if you don't take the class. By making it part of your first school list, someone likes to think that you've cracked it open at some point."

Harry gave a sheepish smile for that, as the only real time he'd ever done much of anything with that book was a few things for Professor Lupin out of it. He'd managed to accidentally rip out a few chapters at some point he'd never bothered repairing, like his section on boggarts for instance, and at the end of his fourth year him and Ron had skimmed through the whole thing by themselves on one of their off periods in one of their silent 'don't want to talk right now' agreements on Harry's part.*

With a now familiar crack, the twins had Apparated themselves into the room. Harry was so used to this, he didn't even fall from his chair.

Sirius really did laugh that time, though he'd yet to fail when mention of them making an appearance so he was at least happy for that consistency.

The two examined the boys lists and found they'd all gotten the same book, all wondering who the person was to assign this new book. George reminding Dumbledore was having a hard time of finding any new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

"Did it really take them the day before term to pull that together?" Lily asked with honest concern.

"I knew it must be getting harder all the time to get someone in, but this is just getting sad," James agreed with a very pointed look someone was very pointedly ignoring.

Fred said it must be a chore, considering what they knew happened to the most recent ones.

Harry agreed one had been sacked,

"Sacked?" Remus repeated with a snicker. "Really, that's all the reference I get?"

"Besides, he technically quit," Sirius reminded, giving him the stank eye for the reminder as he finished, "with protest."

Remus ignored the jab.

one dead,

"Deserved it," Lily muttered bitterly.

one's memory removed,

"Still my favorite," Remus savored.

and one locked in a trunk for nine months.

James shuddered all over again in renewed horror of that.

Harry agreed it was easy to not want the post.

"You'd think the job was cursed or something, oh wait," Sirius smirked.

"I wonder what happened to the twins teachers before those came along," Remus puzzled.

"Guess something far more boring," James shrugged.

Fred looked around at his youngest brother and asked why he hadn't spoken up, but Ron made no move he'd heard, he was still gaping down at his letter with his mouth hanging open.

"What's got his knickers in a twist?" Remus asked too enthusiastically, anything to get back off that job he honestly wished he'd never taken, it's not like he'd done much good at it that no other competent person could have.

When he got no answer, his brother snatched the letter away to see for himself, and his own mouth fell open as he mouthed the word Prefect.

"You said perfect, right?" James was staring at her oddly. "What's perfect?"

"You heard exactly what she said Prongs," Sirius corrected, his eyes growing steadily wider as the shock sunk in. "Prefect! Oh wow, go Ron!"

Remus was snickering lightly while Lily was shaking her head fondly at these boys, thinking this was most likely similar to how they'd reacted upon Remus' Prefect status as well. A little humor, some congratulations and then trying to move on by looking at her like, 'get on with it.' Clearly they didn't put much of a big deal into the matter, which made sense considering how often they went through their life ignoring any and all resemblance of authority.

Neither twin could believe this, it must have been a mistake!

"Now that was just hurtful," Lily couldn't stop her twitching lips as she tried to read in Fred's mocking tone, perhaps not doing it as well as the boys, but still almost hitting that playful way she imagined them using.

They turned to look at Harry and insisted everyone thought it would be him, looking at Harry like he'd tricked them himself.

"Harry would never do such a thing!" James gasped in mock outrage. "He's going to be far too busy avoiding Ron the rest of the year to join him!"

"You were a Headboy though," Harry suddenly blinked as he realized this. "Do you not need to be a Prefect to get that?"

"Nah," Sirius rolled his eyes, "I honestly have no idea how they pick them, I feel like they just pull a random name out of the Sorting Hat, it makes more sense than going with any 'qualifications,' which neither of them had to be holding any such title."

"Thank you Padfoot," Remus snorted.

George did remind his brother all the mad things Harry had done must have left him out of it. Fred readily agreed, saying Harry had his priorities right and kept himself in trouble enough for this not to have been his.

"I must applaud them on seeing this in the proper lighting, someone I know never did see it that same way," Sirius said tragically while Remus hadn't stopped laughing this whole time for how much of a flashback he was getting to his friends ribbing on him through the whole, very long, train ride when he'd told them. It had been almost a relief to attend his Prefect duties first, at least they'd had enough time to laugh it off with each other so by the time he came back they'd almost been ready to ignore the whole instance.

George's next thought was to realize how revolting their mother was going to be when she heard about this.

Some of Lily's humor did fade at that, while the boys just laughed harder, though a bit harsher in remembrance of Molly especially so fresh after Hermione's pot-shots. She however was thinking the twins could show just a bit more of both praising and picking on their brother at once, hadn't they learned after they'd dealt with Percy sometimes words could hurt after all those years. They were making the same mistake with their younger brother as they had been with their elder one in treating him like this just because he'd gotten an accomplishment he'd had no real control over. They didn't necessarily have to approve of it, but couldn't they at least not take the mickey out of him for it.

Ron, still with his mouth hanging open, handed the badge to Harry as if in confirmation it was real. Harry gave it a brief examination to see the exact same one he'd seen on Percy's the first time they'd met..

"Which he wore for the next two years straight as well," Harry muttered in remembered disgust, managing to ignore the old conundrum he'd always had at school of having twenty-two Prefects at once running around, plus the Head Boy and Girl, not to mention all the teachers always seeming to keep an eye on all things. It really did boggle his mind how the Marauders got away with anything like that, though it must have helped in fact to have a man on the inside.

The door opened with a bang, and Hermione came in squealing with delight about how she'd gotten- then she spotted what Harry was holding and shrieked that they were both Prefects now!

"Wow, both of his friends got it!" James's tone came out much harsher now as he was still waiting for an apology from her as well as Molly to Sirius' face. "I'm thinking she'll do worse than Ron, she'll be too busy with all her studies to deal with Prefect duties. Least he'll enjoy the attention it gets him from some of the younger students."

"So long as he doesn't let it go to his head," Sirius said a little uneasily, still remembering last year and how Ron got because he thought he wasn't recognized enough. Now the opposite problem could occur.

Harry quickly corrected while pushing it back to his friend this was Ron's.

Hermione at first didn't understand,

"That timing though," Remus muttered at how awkward this could get.

before she turned surprised on him to ask if he was sure?

"Ouch," Sirius winced hard for that one. "Yes he's sure woman, the schools never sent someone the wrong envelope before." He got out quickly before anyone could make a more snide comment about her.

Ron's expression turned defiant as he stated that was his name on the school's letter.

Hermione continued to stand there bewildered for a moment,

"Wow, she came skipping in when she thought it was Harry's but now it's Ron's and she's actually at a loss for words, for once," James huffed.

before finally beginning to congratulate him. This was really-

George input for her unexpected.

Hermione tried to say that wasn't true, Ron had...

the door opened again for Mrs. Weasley carrying clothes, cutting off Hermione's trailing words.

"Saved by the Mum," Sirius looked a bit relieved, that couldn't have been going any more awkwardly.

She wasn't surprised by everyone holding the envelopes, Ginny had already told her letters were in. If they passed them all to her, she'd go into Diagon Alley today and fetch it all for them. Then she turned on Ron and asked if he'd like a new color for the pajamas she was going to get him, the ones he had now were far too short.

"Why does she bother asking? I thought she always gave him maroon just to color coordinate her kids by this point," James snarked, clearly his mood getting worse now that both people of his ire were in the same room, and hardly even reacting when Lily pinched him to get him to stop.

George said for his brother he should have red and gold to match his badge, while Molly rolling up a pair of maroon socks didn't understand what he meant.

James gave Lily a pointed look which she ignored.

Fred emphasized Ron's new prefect badge, his every tone conveying the worst news.

It took a moment for the words to get past her preoccupation with pajamas.

Sirius got a happy snort of laughter for that sentence existence, after all pajamas were a very fascinating conversation topic.

She turned in confusion Ron wasn't a -

"He is as of five seconds ago," Lily giggled.

Then she spotted the badge in Ron's hand, and squealed with delight! Saying how wonderful and perfect this was, that was everyone in the family!

"Hey!" All three Marauders yelped indignantly on behalf of the twins, Sirius persisting the point, "what happened to the other two that are in the room?"

Lily nibbled on her lip for a moment before continuing, feeling just as bad for the twins as she would have if Ron hadn't gotten this reaction. Ginny hadn't even made the status yet, so she really wasn't sure if that was the right thing for Molly to say there.

James wanted to ask if that meant even Charlie had been one, but he honestly wasn't sure if this should be counted as Molly had just brushed aside two of her kids, she might have done it for three in that moment.

George demanded what he and his twin were, neighbors, while Molly brushed past him and threw her arms over Ron, seeming not to have heard him.

"Wow," James rubbed at his shoulder with his own hurt filled eyes. "I'm not even a Weasley and that hurt my soul."

"You'd be just as snarky if she tried to play it off and not single out one of her children for doing something so good," Lily sighed, hating having to deal with her husband when he was in his petty moods, which seemed to be happening more often than not of late.

She kept going on about how proud she was, and his father and brothers would be to! All while Fred and George pantomimed vomiting.

"He'll be lucky if they don't do far worse to him," Remus muttered, knowing the twins, like his friends, might just take this as a new challenge to prank their little brother and see how well they could get away with it. They'd yet to clearly be doing things to Ron at school, but he wouldn't put it past them for this to be a start.

Mrs. Weasley did not notice as she held eyes only for her youngest son, continuing to kiss his face, who was quickly growing as scarlet as his new badge.

"That woman has no shame, the boys in front of his friends," James grumbled.

"Howler," Lily reminded, clearly Molly held absolutely nothing of the world outside her circle.

He finally managed to stop her stream, only for her to continue by asking what he'd like.

Ron at first couldn't dare to understand, as she exclaimed he had to have a reward for this!

Lily crooned, just a bit, as she truly did see the value in doing this for her kids that had done such an accomplishment. It certainly made sense, even if she felt for the twins as one of them would have always been left out of this tradition. There really was just no winning with this.

She at first offered some new dress robes, before the twins reminded they'd done that one, clearly regretting their moment of generosity.

"It was part of Harry's doing, so I forgive their moment of kindness." James rolled his eyes.

"You know, I just realized, Ron and Hermione weren't there when you did that," Sirius pointed out just to change the subject. "Did you ever tell them what you did for the twins?"

"No," Harry shrugged, the thought had never crossed his mind. "I suppose they just told Ron they did it so they wouldn't have the humiliation of seeing him in them again. They were so awful Ron just believed them on the spot."

She at once switched to some other things he could want, like a cauldron, or a new rat, he had always favored Scabbers-

Lily winced hard at getting out the name of that old thing which effectively managed to turn every person in here into a gargoyle like face.

but Ron cut her off instead asking for a broom.

Her enthusiasm faded a bit, broomsticks were very expensive.

"Go big or go home," Remus winced as he easily saw both sides to what both parties were feeling in that moment.

Ron quickly tacked on not the newest model, just a new one for a change...

Her smile was right back as she agreed of course. Then she left the room in high spirits, saying she really had to get going now if she had all this shopping plus that.

They were all surprised she'd so easily agreed to this, but then the boys were suddenly bouncing in place with pleasure as they were begging Lily to get to the part where they hoped to find what exact model Molly would get!

Still muttering happily to herself how she was all a dither.

Lily was giggling herself by the end of that, looking lovingly at her son for a moment and knowing she'd be just as bad if he had been made one. She did a double take in surprise as she saw how off his face looked, like he was really thinking about something, but she supposed it may still be mention of that rat like the lingering darkness in the boys still showed so she didn't press him.

The twins hardly waited until she was out of sight before turning falsely anxious looks on him, asking if it was alright they didn't kiss him as well?

George at least offered they could curtsey.

"That I would like to see," James snickered.

Ron just told them to shut up, while Fred gave an evil grin and asked what if they didn't? Was their baby brother going to put them in detention?

"No, no," Sirius corrected at once, a look of intrigue now dominant. "That is what I want to see! Hermione tried it last year, now I really want to know who would win, the twins or Ron. With Harry as backup of course," he finished with a smirk at his godson who did not show a hint of listening.

"My money's on Harry and Ron," Remus kept going, clearly not noticing the same thing. "The twins owe Harry big, if he asks them to take a dive and fall into detention, they just might for him."

"I don't think it'll ever come to that," James rolled his eyes. "I can't think of a moment where Ron cares enough to go at them that hard, he's hardly a ruler himself when it comes to school boundaries."

Hermione snapped he just might if they didn't watch themselves.

"I feel like that's more her part than his," James sniffed, there she went again, speaking for everyone.

The twins burst out laughing while Ron told Hermione to drop it.

They kept going as if Ron hadn't spoken, Fred speaking to his brother about how they'd better watch their step this year, George agreeing he was shaking in his boots at the thought. The two concluding their rule breaking days were over.

Then they vanished with a loud crack.

"They're off to a great start," Remus snorted.

Hermione shot a nasty look at the ceiling where laughter could still be heard from them as she told Ron not to pay them any mind, they were just jealous.

"I don't think jealous is the right word," James grinned, "but I'd think something was entirely wrong with them if they didn't have some fun with Ron about this. Then again, I'd think Hermione wasn't acting like herself if she didn't say what others are thinking as well," he finished with a huff.

Ron disagreed, they'd always said anyone who was a prefect was a prat.

"Am I the only one remembering Bill?" Lily chuckled, thinking he hadn't sounded one bit like a prat.

He cheered himself up though that at least he was getting a new broom out of it, and then decided to himself he'd like a Cleansweep model.

"Not a bad model at all to choose from," Sirius snapped away from watching Harry curiously, who hadn't pipped up in ages now, and still wasn't showing much interest in this, which meant he must really be thinking of something in his head.

"You think he'll put it to any good use?" James said wistfully as he remembered a large portion of his agitation last year. "There's a spot open on the Quidditch team with Wood gone, and assuming Anglina or one of the other Chasers might have graduated, that could mean some new potential on the field."

Harry did blink a bit at this news and looked around curiously to find them still talking about Ron just getting the broom, so he smiled happily and forced himself to engage in his own hopes that this would happen with a distant smile the whole time before Lily cut off the Quidditch talk for her own sanity.

He jogged out of the room to go tell his mum this, while Harry was left alone with Hermione, whom he didn't feel like looking at all of a sudden.

"Least I'm not the only one holding a grudge," James grumbled to himself, half wishing Harry had said more to his friend in defense of his godfather earlier, but he'd long accepted Harry was not the confrontational type much.

Hermione began to say something tentatively, but he cut her off with a hearty congratulations he didn't really seem to feel.

"Oh," they all muttered, looking to him in surprise and quickly away again as Harry's eyes widened with panic, realizing what he'd just been thinking about all this, and how that most likely was fixing to end up in this stupid book!

She began again, asking if she could borrow Hedwig, to send an owl to her parents and tell them about this.

He agreed at once, keeping his back to her as she took his owl from he room, and he sat down by himself on the bed, his mind spinning. The only noise left was the waste basket spitting the owl droppings back up.

Sirius opened his mouth to repeat his joke, but in fact performed a small miracle by instead taking James's small little head shake as warning and closing it again.

He had forgotten prefect badges were on the way, far to anxious with his upcoming trial.

"A daunting enough fear, you're forgiven," Remus muttered under his breath, as they all now realized they were hearing exactly what Harry had just been thinking without having shared. No one had really missed how silent and speculative he'd just gotten, but they'd left him alone with his head for a moment since it clearly had nothing to do with poking at his memories. Now, well this just felt a bit invasive as shame began burning up his face. They were all starting to feel more than just pity for him, it really couldn't be fun for him not to have had a single private moment while he was here.

Lily suddenly stopped altogether and began running her thumb down the length of the page, and the moment Harry realized what she was doing, he took a deep breath and told her, "don't bother skipping, I guess you lot may as well hear it."

"We don't have to," James said at once to no one disagreeing. "Honestly, it doesn't even occur to me half the time, but really Harry, you can tell us to shut it at any time for hearing every single thing you think."

He took another deep breath, but looking more accepting than defeating now, insisted, "you've heard far worse than my being jealous for a moment by now, may as well get through it."

Lily waited a moment longer to realize he truly meant it, before going on.

But if he had remembered, what would he have expected? A small little voice in his head pointed out, not this.

James went to say something, but Lily gave him a small kick to get him to stop, she was trying to get through this as fast as she could. Up to this point the books, while centered around him, hadn't exactly delved into his head quite as much as this moment, and she was at least going to try and stop her boys commenting on his private thoughts no matter her opinion on them.

Harry buried his face in his fingers as he couldn't deny that, wondering now if he really thought himself arrogant like Malfoy.

Sirius didn't take the hint as he rolled his eyes and said, "not even close. Thinking you should have gotten something doesn't automatically make you a self-entitled little berk. It's how you act when you do or don't get it. You aren't going to treat Ron any differently now that he has it, so you're fine pup," he finished with utter confidence, at least making Harry smile again.

Did he really believe he was better than Ron? No, was his own instant rebuttal. Still Harry anxiously probed himself to admit he was better at Quidditch, but that was the only thing, they were equal in class. Outside of lessons though, both Ron and Hermione had risked worse than expulsion with him on those adventures.

"The fact that you refer to those as adventures, rather than life or death moments that you really shouldn't have been in except for extraordinary circumstances, really gets me in this moment," Lily muttered.

Not at the very end though, Harry had always done those alone. Especially in that graveyard...

"Thank you for detailing all of that," Remus shivered, though they all had at some particular moment Harry had brought up.

All those bitter feelings over the summer swelled in him again, how he'd done far more than them!

Lily had to fight her own insistence now not to say anything in comfort for her son. He was having a human moment after all, but she restrained herself from pointing out again badges weren't chosen because of things you'd done. Honestly no student had a clear idea who was chosen and why, it was simply the Headmaster's decision, and he really could be picking at random or for any arbitrary reason.

The small little voice was back, pointing out badges weren't necessarily chosen because of dangerous situations you'd lived through.

"I really love the way you worded that though," James gave a bit of a laugh.

Harry buried his face again to remember Fred's words about no one would make Ron a prefect, and Harry snorted with disgust at himself.

"That was a bit harsh," Sirius gave Harry a sympathetic pat he still didn't really feel like he deserved. "I'll bet a ton of other kids are having far worse reactions than just a bit of jealousy for their friends getting something. Imagine how Malfoy's going to act when he didn't get one and Ron did," he finished triumphantly. That did make Harry laugh again, albeit a bit more held back than he understood why.

Ron hadn't asked for this, nor was it his fault. Harry was not going to sit around sulking, nor mocking his friend behind his back for this, just because Harry had been beaten at something.

"The thought never even crossed our mind," James rolled his eyes, causing Harry to flush anew as he realized just how well those around him seemed to know him in these few short days, and it didn't really seem it was just because of a bunch of books.

Harry could hear footsteps on the stairs again and immediately put a much more welcoming smile in place as Ron reentered, telling his best friend congratulations. The smile disappeared from Ron's face instead.

"Well geez, clearly he didn't want to be congratulated," Remus frowned in surprise.

Ron at once said his own surprise, he'd thought it would be Harry.

"Everyone thought it would be Harry, even Harry," Sirius mocked, pleased Harry stuck his tongue out at him for the picking like normal again.

Harry echoed Fred from earlier, saying he'd caused to many problems to get picked.

Ron agreed with a laugh while beginning to pack up his things. He seemed to be having a bit of a problem though, as he kept moving the badge around. First to his pocket, then the nightstand, and then putting it onto his schools robes and gazing for a moment at the red on black.

"He's acting better than I was," Remus smirked in remembrance, "I hid it in with my knickers until we were all on the train and it was moving before I managed to spit out the words. Which I regretted, since it only then occurred to me they could pitch me out of a moving train."

"The thought occurred to me," Sirius agreed, "but only because you actually dropped a pair of those on my head while getting the badge out to show us."

Only when Fred and George dropped in and offered to attach it to his forehead with a Permanent Sticking Charm did he wrap it tenderly in his maroon socks and lock it in his trunk.

"I wonder if we'll get a return on the badge pranks," James said curiously.

"I'm having trouble picturing it," Remus shrugged. "Despite their jokes already, I can't see them having at Ron every opportunity like they had Percy, mostly because I don't see him dogging the twins to deserve it."

"I wish I could be following the twins around," Sirius sighed wistfully. Remus grimaced at his own choice of words, never admitting to his dying breath he'd done it on purpose to keep the good mood alive.

Mrs. Weasley came back from Diagon Alley and was at once pounced upon by her youngest son, but she scolded even while handing him his new broom she'd have dinner ready in no time and now wasn't the time for him to be using that.

He still ripped the wrapping off the moment she was out of sight.

"A proper response," James giggled in agreement.

When they did make their way downstairs, it was to find a large banner already in place congratulating Ron and Hermione on being the new prefects, while Mrs. Weasley was looking in a better mood than Harry had seen her all holiday.

"That is so sad," Lily murmured to herself, really thinking back to how she'd acted towards Sirius now, and seeing the strained mother protecting her family as opposed to this side where she saw Sirius as her family and Molly the threat. It was hard to keep both perspectives in line at once, but she tried her best to shake off the last of her ill will towards the woman, even if she did maintain Sirius hadn't deserved what was thrown at him.

She explained to them they'd be having more of a party tonight, she'd invited everyone along. Some of the guests were already there in fact, as she made her way over to Moody and told him she'd been wanting to ask for ages if he could take a peek inside the desk in the drawing room to see what was in there. They were sure it was a boggart, but just in case it was something worse.

Moody agreed at once, turning his magical eye in that direction while repeating her instructions, and agreed yes they were right on the creature inside.

"I'd actually like to watch that," Remus said eagerly like he'd just been invited to his own show. "See what Moody's Boggart would be before he dispelled it."

Harry agreed, honestly hoping that was exactly what had happened. Why would he be getting such a bad feeling from such a silly little thing like a boggart, those hadn't frightened him in ages.

Molly insisted she'd do it later, for now he should be enjoy himself down here, pointing out this was a party while gesturing at the banner.

"Really? I wouldn't have thought he'd notice," James rolled his eyes.

Moody turned his normal eye on Ron now, his magical one remaining out the side of his head, and Harry got the eerie feeling it was on him as he moved towards Sirius and Lupin.

"Glad we can be of some help, even if it is just to protect you from scary Alastor," Sirius fixed a smile in place, Harry really starting to feel bad both continued to twitch uneasily whenever they were mentioned.

He could still hear though, as Moody congratulated Ron for this new authority, saying Dumbledore must not be worried about him withstanding jinxes.

"Well he's not wrong," Remus blinked in surprise at such advice while James and Sirius got a chuckle out of that.

Ron looked unsure how to take this news, but was saved answering by the arrival of his father and eldest brother, who'd also brought along Mundungus.

"Why?" Lily balked at the idea.

"Suppose they ran into him for any number of reasons, and I can guess Arthur was just too polite to not invite him," James shrugged.

He was wearing a long overcoat that was oddly lumpy and declined the offer to remove it.

"Because that's not suspicious at all," Sirius said with chipper.

Tonks was telling Hermione and Ginny that she'd never had the honor of being prefect, her Head of House said she lacked certain qualities.

"The fact that she asked for a reason really makes me question her sanity," Remus smirked.

"I remember asking McGonagall who possessed her to make Remus one," James reminded, "she just told me to move along."

"What house was she in?" Sirius suddenly demanded curiously, thinking it would be interesting if she'd been yet another Slytherin.

"Hufflepuff," Harry informed, she'd mentioned Sprout as her head of house to Hermione at some previous time.

Sirius smiled all the wider his little cousin had broken even more traditions instead.

Ginny asked what that could be, and Tonks happily said the ability to behave herself.

Causing everyone to burst out laughing.

Ginny laughed, while Hermione looked as though she did not know whether to smile or not and compromised by taking an extra large gulp of Butterbeer and choking on it.

James scoffed heavily, even more annoyed than usual at Hermione's inability to laugh at anything, even a harmless joke!

Ginny turned and asked Sirius next.

Sirius pretended to faint at the very thought.

He gave a bark-like laughter and said no one would have been insane enough to do a thing like that, he was in detention with James too much. It was Lupin who was the good boy and got the honor.

"Good boy?" Remus asked of him, poking him slightly as he was still theatrically slumped over. "That's probably the nicest thing you've ever said about me."

"Wasn't saying it to your face, but to others, and you know I always covered for you," he told while still miming unconsciousness causing the others to just laugh harder.

Lupin jumped in saying he was under the impression Dumbledore had done it to try and exert some control over his friends.

"If that's what he was going for, he began with a lost cause," Remus said in surprise, as the idea had yet to even occur to him that's what it had been for.

"Wonder what made you think that," James agreed, "we all thought it was Dumbledore's subtle way of rewarding our winning personalities and keeping the school's spirits up."

"You lot and your fat heads," Lily muttered.

He'd failed dismally.

Harry suddenly found himself in an even better mood, his father hadn't been a prefect either!

"Best hope neither of them pass along my Head Boy badge then," James muttered for Lily alone, who agreed. It was apparently a good thing he'd forgotten Hagrid mentioning this right now.

Ron was rhapsodizing about his new broom to anybody who would listen.

"Honestly, his mother's lucky he was just talking about it rather than trying to be on it in the house," Sirius chuckled.

While Hermione was chatting with Lupin about elf rights.

"I'd rather go back to hearing about the broom," Remus muttered, everyone else looking just as disappointed except Lily, who hushed them so she could see a conversation she'd actually been looking forward to. If anyone could get through to Hermione how she was acting regarding house-elves, she'd put money on Remus.

She was saying how the segregation on them was the same as werewolves, stemming back to how wizards thought they were superior to other creatures...

"That's all we get," Lily pouted as she saw the next line changed topics.

"I wasn't really listening to them," Harry said apologetically.

Molly and Bill were having their usual argument about Bill's hair, the mother even asking of Harry that wasn't it too long.

Harry was alarmed at being asked,

"Boys," Lily muttered.

and quickly slid away to where Fred and George and Mundungus were in the corner.

"Now we're tuning into the important conversations," Sirius' grin turned eager to hear about this.

When Mundungus saw him coming he stopped talking at once, but Fred quickly said Harry was good to hear this, he was their financial backer.

"That's an excellent term for that," James brightened, before turning a calculating look onto his friend and saying, "hey Moony-"

"Don't even start you," he shot back without looking over, so James put a pin in the idea for later.

Fred eagerly held out what was in their hands, Harry finding tiny shriveled up black pods that were making a rattling noise though they were still.

None of them considered themselves Herbology experts, the closest one was Lily who could recognize a wide variety of plants for her potions, but they were all curious to hear what the twins had gotten their hands on now.

George explained they were Venomous Tentacula seeds, but since they were a Class C Non-Tradeable Substance, it was really hard to get them outside of people like their friend here.

"What on earth would they need those for?" Lily yipped in concern, thinking they could get themselves killed by just one little accident.

"Well they'll certainly get sick enough by them," James said uneasily, hoping for more details as well.

Fred offered ten Galleons for them, but Mundungus corrected he wouldn't take less than twenty with all the trouble these tings had caused him.

George gave a heavy laugh, saying that was a worse deal than the time he'd tried to sell them a bag of Knarl quills for six Sickles.

"Now I know he's been off his rocker," James shook his head in disbelief at that one.

Harry warned someone could be watching, like Moody's magical eye.

"Really should count our blessings he isn't around more I guess," Sirius chuckled.

All three agreed it was best to wrap this up, and then they all departed, only Harry staying in the corner as he watched Mrs. Weasley with a sudden fear. He'd never informed her or anyone he'd given the twins his Triwizard Winnings to start their joke shop, and it suddenly occurred to him what if their mother, who greatly disapproved of this idea, had a row with her kids about it. What if it caused another Percy-like estrangement? Would she still care about Harry in the same way if she knew he was helping them along with something she found so unsuitable.

Lily had already tried to instill into her son how unlikely she found that, and while Harry was looking anxious again at the returning topic, he'd yet to really start working himself up over it so they let him be on this one for now.

He was dragged out of his own thinking by hearing Kingsley say he'd been sure Dumbledore would make Potter a prefect, while Lupin returned he was sure the man had his reasons for doing otherwise.

"I don't think you were too enamored with Hermione's house-elf topic if you're already hanging around someone else," Sirius said, easily slipping into another topic to take that look off of Harry.

"He always thinks Dumbledore has his reasons," Lily muttered to herself.

Kingsley persisted it would have shown the world he had confidence in Potter though-

"Or it could have done worse, and made Dumbledore really seem he was playing favoritism with Harry," Remus shook his head. "Nah, best to not let you have this one honestly." Giving the others a moment of odd amusement as they were sure that's what Remus would have said back to Kingsley at the time.

"Not like I ever really wanted it," Harry shrugged in agreement, the idea had never crossed his mind until it was gone.

Harry did not look around, not wanting them to know he'd overheard.

"If they didn't want you hearing," James rolled his eyes at this idea, "they wouldn't have had the conversation with you in the room.

Though not remotely hungry, he followed Mundungus back towards the table. His pleasure in the party had evaporated as quickly as it had come; he wished he were upstairs in bed.

Both Lily and James were leaning into each other just that little bit closer than was strictly necessary, just for that moment to remind each other they were here now instead of a constant source of some painful memory for Harry. The cheer of knowing that little bit more about his father had been tarnished by his now fear of what the woman he looked to as a mother could think about him. There was just no winning.

He heard Molly yawning and telling her husband she was going to take care of that Boggart and turn in, telling Harry goodnight as she passed.

"Why did she only say goodnight to you," Sirius quickly pointed out just to give Harry some moment of singularity in Molly's eyes which he had clearly been wanting a moment ago, but now he looked all the more distracted and distant as he was clearly trying to ignore some bad feeling.

He got caught by Mad-Eye next pulling him to the side and saying he wanted to show him something.

"Well this should be interesting," Remus said, Moody singling Harry out could be, fun...

It turned out to be a photo, original Order of the Phoenix according to Moody.

"Wow, don't think we've had this picture taken yet," Sirius blinked in surprise.

"I'm surprised Moody has such a thing, you'd think it would be considered a security risk," Lily agreed. "Even we're not entirely sure who everyone in the Order is."

"Guess Dumbledore may have asked for one at some point, and no one turns him down," James muttered without much enthusiasm, as he'd already been keeping a mental list of all the people he'd heard of dying already. He was entirely sure he didn't want to hear much more about this.

He'd found it the other night since Podmore hadn't returned his Invisibility Cloak and he'd been looking for his spare, and he'd decided to bring this picture along to share. He began pointing people out, like himself, whose nose was still intact at the time.

Harry had already once seen Moody before his face was really a mess, but even seeing it again a photo right next to the real thing could be a shock for his mind.

Then Dumbledore, Dedalus Diggle, Marlene McKinnon, while he added in she was found two weeks after this was taken dead with her whole family.

Lily paled to a ghastly white color and couldn't seem to keep going for a moment, just concentrating instead on that warm spot her husband provided while Sirius tried wildly to point out, "well, now we have a time frame! Dumbledore asks for a group shot, we put Marlene on extra watch!" He said this too loudly, but it gave Lily enough of a reminder this hadn't happened yet to another person she knew, she could still be saved.

Then there was Frank and Alice Longbottom, whom Harry could have picked out all on his own as the woman he was seeing so resembled his dorm mate Neville.

Sirius ran his hand through his hair bitterly as he remembered the details of that being recounted, of who all had been involved. He was now more than jokingly considering asking Lily to please skip this part already, it didn't feel worth it to hear how their friends were soon going to turn out.

Moody adding for himself better dead than what happened to them, then flipping to Emmeline Vance, Lupin, Benjy Fenwick, they'd only ever found bits of him.

James retched and couldn't help but recoil from her for just a moment.

As well as Edgar Bones, late brother of Amelia, she was the last of her line now because they'd gotten his family, Sturgis Podmore, Caradoc Dearborn, he'd vanished six months after this and nobody ever found a body, Hagrid, Elphias Doge, though Moody had forgotten he used to wear that dumb hat.

Remus had to blink slowly, but he couldn't quite erase his blurry vision even as he tried to picture Doge without his hat considering he wore it all the time. This was by far the easiest thing to be comparing in these time frames though, so he forced himself to linger on this rather than having to keep listening to these wretched details.

Gideon Prewett, it took five Death Eaters to kill him and his brother Fabian, they died like heroes,

Harry tried desperately to think of some way to erase those haggard looks from their faces, and blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "so the Weasley's aren't in the Order now?" Figuring Molly and her husband would be mentioned next to her brother.

"Oh, err, no they're not. I think they were offered, but both declined. I really don't know much about them honestly, only met them once through Gideon," Lily murmured.

Next was Aberforth, Dumbledore's brother,

"Wow, what?" James had to snap himself back into paying actual attention to what Lily was saying just in time to hear that, and he frowned at her in confusion. "So I guess Dumbledore does have a brother that's in the Order."

"Wonder what he gets up to," Sirius agreed with honest curiosity, thinking this group meeting might be worth it just to meet this man of such a famous wizard. He was suddenly sure this Aberforth had all sorts of amusing, blackmail, stories about a younger Dumbledore.

Harry could feel a bead of sweat beginning to form on the back of his neck with mentions to this, of Dumbledore and his sibling, or more than one...

that was the only time Moody had met him, strange man. Then there was Dorcas Meadowes, she'd been killed by Voldemort personally,

This group had never even heard that name, and it was a kind distraction just for a second to try and theorize how they could go to Dumbledore and warn this woman as well without gaining suspicion of how they'd know such a thing.

Sirius, when his hair was still short,

Sirius brushed his hand through his now shoulder length hair curiously, wondering just how long it was in Harry's time.

and the last three on the list hit Harry the hardest of all, his smiling parents, along with Peter Pettigrew.

Lily's voice hitched, and then failed her all together at that coming up twice in this chapter now. The hurt was always sitting there in the back of her mind, waiting to pounce even without someone explicitly bringing it up, now she really could feel a traitorous tear slipping through before she brushed it furiously away and kept going entirely too loud, but it was all she could do, otherwise she'd break down. She couldn't even bare to glance at her boys again or she'd lose herself entirely.

Harry could think of nothing to say, and looked to Moody who had the expression he'd just given Harry a treat. Harry at once tried to retreat out of here, and was saved an excuse by Sirius calling over what Moody had there, giving Harry the chance to slip away as Moody turned to answer.

Sirius ran a shaking hand down his face, but the words failed of him trying to say he'd been looking out for his pup, perhaps seen something of Moody talking to him bothering him, it was just hard to pretend he was thinking of anything except removing a spine from a spineless creature.

He didn't know why it had been such a shock, he'd seen pictures of his parents before, after all, and he'd met Wormtail.

Remus could still feel the permanent mark those encounters had left on them all.

It was mostly just having them sprung on him like that, and he began to grow angry as he thought no one would appreciate that! He kept thinking of all those, left timeliness in the picture, so many dead...Moody may have found that interesting, but Harry found it disturbing.

"Glad we're not the only ones," James whispered for himself, but Harry heard anyways and they met eyes just for a moment in silent understanding.

He went silently back towards his room, but stopped curiously outside the drawing room as he heard sobbing.

Lily shifted uncomfortably, she was still reading in a too strained and tight voice, and if she was forced to deal with anymore bad news she'd likely toss the book away and turns into James chest any moment just to be done with her feelings for a change. Who else could be having a breakdown now? It was her burning desire to try and help anyone out if they were in pain that managed to help push her own away so she could find out.

Harry pushed the door open curiously, and found in the center of the room, a dead Ron.

Sirius really almost did faint in surprise as scenarios began flipping through his head, of Death Eater's storming in and catching Ron off guard while he'd snuck upstairs to check on his broom, of the poor kid being attacked by something in that house they hadn't managed to exterminate yet, his falling down those stairs and someone coming across his body-

Harry gasped wildly and lunged forward to snatch the book away from her. He'd just had to relive the sharp experience of his parents being out of his life all over again, he couldn't stand losing someone else!

"Harry breath," Remus reminded coolly, even if his face was still a bit too pale from what he'd just heard from Moody and the honest shock of that scenario ever being a thing. "There was a boggart in this room, remember. Molly wandered off to go get rid of it, I think you just walked in on some bad timing."

Lily got the book back from her son while he was still wavering with understanding this, and quickly kept going even more loudly than before, every last bit of her hoping beyond all hope that was really what was going on!

Harry stumbled in fear, his brain flooding with ice this couldn't be real!

Then the sobbing continued, and he looked wildly around to find Mrs. Weasley cowering in the corner, and as he watched, she pointed her wand and got out Riddikulus.

The book nearly fell out of Lily's shaking hands, a combination of relief at such a drastic misunderstanding and still lingering sorrow of her own for this mother whom she now completely could sympathize with. She had so many she cared about, it was only natural this was any mothers boggart.

Harry watched those around him relax even as he couldn't shake this nasty feeling that his fear still pounding through him wasn't so unfounded, he had a very good reason to be worried about a dead Weasley...

Crack, the body changed to Bill instead, eyes open but lifeless. Mrs. Weasley kept sobbing harder than ever as she tried the spell again, but instead crack, it was now Mr. Weasley with blood dripping from his mouth.

Harry choked and shook his head furiously to push away something so powerful it was rearing up inside him to strike him down now if he lingered on that idea.

She kept trying in-between broken no's, but instead crack, dead twins,

James was running his fingers in agitation through his scalp as he fought whether to break in and ask if the boggart had managed to create both at once or was he just simplifying another two bodies. He came to his own silent conclusion it must be the first, even in death Molly couldn't picture the twins apart it seemed.

crack, dead Percy, crack, dead Harry.

Lily's voice wavered and nearly failed her as she was forced to imagine the same thing, while James wrapped an arm tight around her in comfort and a sudden tightening in his throat finally dispelling the majority of his anger at Molly. She'd still said some way to harsh things to his best friend, but at least now he could see she'd truly meant it in her heart of seeing his son as her own, and he couldn't really hate someone like that.

Harry shot at her to just get out of here, let someone else handle it, but then Lupin, Sirius, and Moody came into the room behind him.

Harry almost felt his own sob of relief escape him for this finally being cut off, he just couldn't imagine if that thing had kept going, he'd be forced to see even more people he cared about. Maybe even Ginny- his left hand suddenly spasmed and he clasped them tightly together in his lap instead to ignore whatever that moment was.

Lupin grasped the situation at once and shot his own spell, and while the boggart at first turned on him instead and changed shape to a silvery orb, he'd put enough force into the spell it finally vanished.

Molly was still a crying mess on the floor as Lupin went over to her, and the next second she was sobbing her heart into his shoulder.

Lily was fidgeting with the last page of this chapter, finally, as she all too easily envisioned that. She wondered if Remus was having any other flashbacks to comforting a redheaded mother in fear for her child.

He tried comforting it was just a meaningless boggart, but she brokenly told him she saw that, all the time! All of them dead...she dreamed about it!

Remus was staring vacantly at nothing as those words registered. Molly wasn't the only one who had those kinds of nightmares, though at least she'd never been the featuring monster doing the act to her loved ones.

Sirius was staring at the patch of carpet where the Boggart pretending to be Harry's body had lain.

Sirius felt his vision tunnel, a ghost crawling slowly up his spine and wrapping tight around him and refusing to let go of the idea that this would be the second time in his life he'd see his dead best friend, now somehow actually made worse as the fear of losing Harry all at the same time was shoved in his face...

"Sirius?" Harry gave him a hard poke, all of them watching him fearfully for that haunted look he usually only got when Dementors were being spoken of. Going with that assumption, Harry tried to laugh off, "it was gone before it could zone in on me, nothing else happens because of it."

"Right," he nodded hard, still staring steadily at his brother and forcing himself to watch the odd, curious look in place rather than the vacant eyes he'd envisioned.

Harry saw Moody was still watching him, and he had the feeling his magical eye had tracked him up here and told the other two about this.

Molly was still half sobbing out not for any of them to tell Arthur, he'd think she was being silly...

"Hardly," James murmured with conviction while Lily snuggled deeper into the crook of his arm.

Lupin continued comforting her while she pulled out a handkerchief and blew her nose, before she turned watery eyes on Harry and said how foolish he must think her, not able to get rid of a Boggart.

"I would never," Harry said almost indignantly, unable to picture such a fierce woman and mother as less because of her greatest fear.

Harry at once told her not to be stupid as he tried for a smile.

"That's not something to be saying to a crying woman," Sirius told purely because the words had escaped him without him even realizing it, there was no trace of him that could find mocking humor in this.

Tears spilled back over as she couldn't seem to stop herself from continuing how worried she was, it would be a miracle if everyone survived!

Harry made a terrifying, rasping noise of fright, his whole body tensed as if ready for a fight while he was seconds away from reliving something of what that boggart had just shown him-

"It's going to be alright Harry," Sirius marched into his train of thought with a comforting squeeze on his shoulder, clearly taking his own fear he'd just experienced and forcing it aside to pay attention to anything else, even Harry's resembled one. "That Weasley family is as tough as they come, things will work out. You're fine, everyone's going to be fine."

Harry forced himself to meet his eyes even if he in no way felt the comfort.

Percy wasn't even speaking to them, what if something happened and they never made up!

Lily couldn't read that without a hard hitch in her throat as it was exactly the fear she held for the woman and child. She'd always felt pity for Percy, could almost see how his offense could have lived with his parents choosing some outsider of the family rather than refusing to see his side, but as she knew her son was the one in the right all she could really do was cling to the now bleak hope it all somehow just had to work out.

And Ron and Ginny were still so young, what would happen to them if her and Arthur-

Lupin cut her off firmly that was enough. Explaining the Order was much better off than the last time where they'd just been picked off one by one.

James hated that it all kept floating right there as a constant reminder. His friends, his wife, how soon they'd all succumb to this war... and who's fault it was. Even if he hadn't raised the wand, even if some of them would have died without the intel that had been provided, he could never look another member of the Order in the face again without always knowing there was one member to kill them all.

Sirius abruptly cut in telling her not to worry about Percy.

Remus was honestly grateful Sirius had stopped him, even now he didn't think that was the best line of comfort, he'd just been trying to fling around facts in hopes she'd quiet which is what normally worked for himself.

Sirius wasn't at all surprised that's what he'd caught on. He knew a little something about regret when it came to losing estranged family. He was still living through that highlight.

He'd come around when the Ministry had no choice but to admit Voldemort was back, he was bound to come into the open soon and then everyone would be begging them for forgiveness, which Sirius bitterly finished with he wasn't likely to give.

"Absolutely no one will blame you at that time mate," James agreed nastily while Harry gave an obligatory laugh for the statement while ignoring some vicious little thought popping up in his mind he hoped his godfather lived long enough to see that day. He stamped that right back out and refused to acknowledge it as anything other than his pessimistic side having some bad timing while watching Molly fear the same for her own loved ones.

While Lupin gently finished with of course Ron and Ginny would be looked after, the whole Order would see to that, no one was going to let them starve.

Harry had never even imagined the idea of where his best friend would live if not with his parents. His first assumption he supposed would be one of his older brothers, Bill seemed the most likely, but what Remus had just said really struck a chord in Harry as he realized how much Remus did care. Making him want to question all the more where his stance had been back when Harry had gone to live with the Dursleys. He was growing more confident by the day though he did not get an answer to that.

Mrs. Weasley gave one little smile for the lot of them as she again told herself how silly she was being, but as Harry stepped back out to finish going to his room, he could not find her silly for a moment.

It suddenly hurt James too much just to even look at Lily. To see the emotions that caused to play out on her face, to hear how broken her voice came out with that, so he turned busy eyes anywhere else while unable to remove himself from her side to keep her soft warm body as his comfort.

Without warning, the scar on his forehead seared with pain again and his stomach churned horribly.

This was certainly a big enough thing anybody normally would have eagerly flipped topics, to discuss and try to figure out why Harry's scar would be burning at a time like this, but for once they were all to clammed up in their own heads for fear of this future for that to have even made much of an impact past the smallest bit of registering it happening, and Harry immediately brushing it off.

He rubbed at his forehead and told it to knock it off, while the empty painting snidely told him the first sign of madness was talking to yourself.

"Absolutely not," Remus muttered to himself, "talking to yourself is perfectly normal."

"Most people still bother keeping it in their own head," Sirius remarked quietly, leaning just a bit more closely to Moony than normal for that reminder he still had one friend with him in this bleak future.

Harry ignored the jab, feeling suddenly old as he sunk down onto his bed and realized just hours ago he'd been worried about stupid little things like a prefect badge.

"I'm done," Lily snapped with triumph, wishing she could go back to that moment, to so many before of her sons more childlike memories rather than having the harsh reality of the life she was living slammed down around them.

"I know it's hard love," James promised, running his hand up and down her back and still looking vacantly around the room, "so if you need me to fini-"

"No, I meant with the chapter," she corrected, all of her features still brittle with everything she'd been feeling in these moments. James finally looked back over at her, and it took a moment to drag himself out of the depth of her eyes to remember he had a book to grab.

HPHPHPHP

I'm not sorry for how harsh I was on Hermione in the portion of this chapter you all know I'm talking about. She really ticked me off while she was talking about Sirius, just like Molly before. Both women just seem to have this high and mighty status when it comes to him where they think they know everything about him and are trying to correct his everything, thinking they know and understand the reasons he acts the way he does, and I just want to smack both of them and tell them to leave the poor guy alone because both aren't true even one little bit. The closest person is Remus and even he lost a lot of rights in telling Sirius anything after twelve years. Molly earned back some sympathy here at the end, but now Hermione's in the hothouse which probably won't last long because...well honestly because it doesn't really come back up again which really makes me mad, but doesn't hold much focus so there's no point in continually revisiting it.

I've heard that in some of the original drafts of this book Ron was slated to die at some point, and I feel like that's made pretty clear in this chapter in particular. Am absolutely not saying I wanted it to happen, I love Ron to much, but credit to this woman for constantly setting up so many things.

* I do realize I created my own little plot hole in saying this was the book Lupin used as boggarts can't be found in that, but rather than just making one up on the spot I wanted to incorporate that into cannon a little better, and just pretend that the actual book is longer than the version we all get.

#Harry Potter #The LIfe that Never LIved #HP #Ootp #Marauders #reading the books #fanfiction #jilly #James Potter #Lily Potter #Remus Lupin #Sirius Black

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rainandhotchocolate · 5 years

Text

Rejection

A/N Hey! Sorry I know I’ve been AWOL for a week, cause I was finishing up a freelance project but here’s a stupidly long fic for you all! It’s 7k, it was meant to be a oneshot but I just kept writing and well here we are lel

TO the requester, sorry this is more fluffy than angsty... I just really wanted some idiotic Sirius trash OOPs - feel free to send me another message if you want me to write something more angsty!!

Request: If you take requests, can I request an angsty imagine/fic with sirius where the reader confesses her love for him, but he rejects her and is basically really mean to her? It can have a happy ending or an angsty ending😂

Length: 7k

TW: Mentions of injuries, Sirius being mean/an idiot

Rejection

It was like a large, human shaped slap in the face, that had annoyingly soft black curls that trailed over his face. Sirius Black seemed to tower over the bar, eyes looking expectantly at her as he asked again for a whiskey and coke, in a short glass.

“Uh… hello?”

“Yeah, sorry, phased out for a second there,” Y/N pulled out her best hospitality smile and poured out his drink carefully, doing her best to avoid his curious stare.

“Do I know you from somewhere?” He cocked his head to the side, continuing to stare as she busied herself with putting through his cash and finding him change.

“Oh shit, we went to school together!” He said finally, as she attempted to find another customer, groaning internally when she realised it was a Tuesday afternoon and the bar was empty. She finally looked up at him, smiling again, hoping he didn’t see the clenched fists under the bar.

Y/N couldn’t tell if she was happier or insulted that he didn’t remember her. Unfortunately, she hadn’t forgotten him, the feeling of complete and utter embarrassment rushing through every inch of her.

Y/N had had a crush on Sirius for a lifetime, ever since she saw him cheering on James at the Gryffindor vs Ravenclaw match, streamers stuck to almost every part of him, and mostly naked. Not that Sirius would have ever noticed a small mousy Ravenclaw girl who was usually in the library or reading next to the black lake.

She’d tried to get over him, but it was like every time he did something stupid it seemed to make her want him more. When he jumped on the back of James’ broom after the end of a spectacular win against Slytherin she had this lurch of wanting to jump on the back with him.

Then it was seventh year, when the paper every morning brought either another disappearance or suspicious death, and Hogwarts suddenly began to feel like it wasn’t the safest place in England like it had once been. There was something about a life or death situation that started making everyone act a little crazy, from people banging around in broom closets to certain extremists, on both sides, ending up in curious places. The weirdest being floating above the middle of the Black Lake.

Y/N had every single girl in her year banging her over the head with her stupid ongoing crush with Sirius, and she was getting sick of it. Finally, she’d brought up the courage to tell him, better to tell him and know than live without knowledge, one of her friends had said sincerely, puffing out a big breath of smoke whilst she giggled loudly. Being a little high may have been another factor to her sudden decision to find Sirius and proclaim her undying love for him.

So, standing in the staircase outside the Great Hall she found him and told him, in more stuttered, uncomfortable words, exactly that. She’d not exactly expected him to return the feelings, hell she didn’t think he would necessarily recognise her. She didn’t expect him to turn around, grin at James, and then begin to cackle with laughter at her.

“Uh, yes we did,” Y/N nodded slowly, pretending to smile in recognition. Sirius grinned back at her, taking a sip from his drink.

“I’m so sorry, what was your name again?”

“Y/N.”

“Ahh of course! Sirius,” He gave out a hand as if to shake it. Y/N stared at him, trying to hold in the increasing frustration she was getting from him being so nice to her.

“Yes, enjoy your drink,” Y/N plastered on the smile again and turned away, pretending to find some glasses to shine and waiting until she’d heard him walk away, thankful for him to have left her alone.

Sirius walked away slowly, heading back towards the table where James and Remus were sitting and chatting in hushed voices.

“Hey, we went to school with the bartender,” He sat down, pointing at the brown-haired girl avidly cleaning wine glasses at the corner of the bar.

The two boys looked at each other and then back to Sirius, James’ eyebrows raised and Remus smirking slightly.

“What?” Sirius hated when they did this, act like they had some secret language between them.

“You really don’t remember her?”

“No! Should I?”

“I mean, probably,” Remus gave a short laugh, continuing to be vague. Sirius almost growled at him but instead tried rack his brains as to when he would have met her before.

“That’s Y/N man, remember seventh year? That Ravenclaw girl who cornered you before dinner with all her friends giggling behind her?” James gave him a grimace, waiting for Sirius to figure out who he was talking about. And then it hit him, the girl he’d laughed at as she said she liked him.

“Oh, Merlin’s Beard,” Sirius held his hands in his head and knocked it against the table. He wondered a little why she hadn’t thrown a drink on him, “I can’t believe I just asked what her name was.”

“You are a complete idiot,” Remus laughed loudly at him, as he lifted his head from his arms and looked incredibly uncomfortable.

“I’d thought she was joking, I thought James had put her on me because of Lily and I made him think that we’d hooked up in fifth year.”

“What! As if that’s how I would have retaliated,” James looked affronted, shaking his head, “I’m still waiting for the perfect revenge for that heart attack.”

“I actually want to die in my seat right here,” Sirius felt like his stomach was turning over and over, making himself feel nauseous.

“You could go apologise…” James continued, smirking at his very uncomfortable expression. Sirius felt like he had absolutely no idea what to do, he’d literally just made small talk with the girl he’d told was a terrible actor and should shove off.

“I really don’t think an apology would do much, I was horrible,” Sirius groaned, fingering the glass of whiskey and coke.

“Maybe we should just leave her alone, I doubt doing anything would help something that happened 3 years ago,” Remus finished off his beer, nodding at the exit. Sirius said nothing, continuing to play with the glass and overthink. There had to be something he could do, anything that would make what he did better. She couldn’t just go around thinking he was an asshole for the rest of her life.

“You can’t get everyone to like you,” James kicked him from under the table, breaking him from his stupor.

“I don’t need everyone to like me,” He grumbled in response, narrowing his eyes at the two boys who were now grinning at him.

“Look, you were an idiot, you need to accept it and move on,” Remus stood up, swinging his brown leather bag over his shoulder.

“Mmmmk” Sirius didn’t look at him, but followed his lead and stood up, finishing his drink quickly and picking up his jacket. They moved quickly out of the bar, James and Remus obviously wanting to avoid Y/N’s eyes. Sirius trailed behind them, tracking her out of the corner of his eyes whilst she continued to busy herself behind the bar. He couldn’t help but think that she was deliberately avoiding him. Stop being so self-important, he cursed himself, slowing down as they reached the door.

“Fuck,” He swore under his breath, knowing this was probably a very stupid idea, and turned on his heel to move back towards the bar and where Y/N was standing, awkwardly rubbing the counter over and over again.

“Hey look, Y/N, when do you finish?” Sirius leaned over the bar slightly to get her attention. Y/N took the longest possible time to meet his eyes, not bothering to give him the fake smile this time around. She was sure that James and Remus had reminded him of their encounter, especially since she did know Remus from her days spent in the library.

She paused momentarily debating whether she should actually tell him, part of her was wondering why on earth he wanted to know when she finished work.

“She finishes at 5,” her manager had snuck up behind her and elbowed her in the ribs, giving her a wink as he passed. Y/N pursed her lips, glaring at his back as he walked away, clearly proud of himself.

“Look, I know you probably don’t want to see me like ever again, but let me just buy you a drink and apologise,” He looked at her earnestly, his grey eyes piercing hers, “Please, just 10 minutes and then you can just take the free drinks and go.”

Y/N grumbled a little, feeling herself panic a little at the idea of having to be alone with him, 10 minutes or less.

“I promise, it will mostly be me grovelling.”

“I, uh… fine ok, but if you’re not here by 5 on the dot I’m heading home,” Y/N crossed her arms, hoping she looked remotely tough and not like her heart was beating extremely hard in her chest.

“That’s completely fair, I will see you then,” He gave her a smile and ran back over to James and Remus who were glaring darkly at him, James giving him a light slap on the back of his head and pushing him out the door.

5pm

Her manager had let her off at 5pm on the dot, making sure she didn’t make more work for herself so she wouldn’t be waiting outside for Sirius. She chewed on her nails, even though they were mostly already cut down to the skin, counting down the seconds until it reached 5:01 so that she could have the excuse to scurry off home for the evening.

Unfortunately, she saw the figure of a tall man rushing across the street waving at her, whilst trying to avoid oncoming traffic.

“Y/N!” He called out, shaking out his coat from the rain as he ran underneath the cover of the bars’ entrance, “Hey sorry, I tried to wait out the rain but I didn’t have much luck clearly.”

He gave a laugh, obviously trying to make casual conversation with her, but Y/N didn’t quite feel like making the biggest effort to make him feel better about talking to her.

“No worries.”

“Right, um I presumed you don’t want to drink where you work, there’s a pub down the road from here that’s nice,” Sirius looked incredibly awkward and Y/N couldn’t help but enjoy feeling like he might feel a smidgeon of the embarrassment she endured for the last 5 months of seventh year with people jeering at her in corridors, miming her ridiculous spouting of love.

“Yeah that’s fine,” She nodded at him to lead the way. They walked in silence, collars up to avoid the cold wind that had begun to whip through the streets of London. Sirius pushed the door open to the pub and ushered her in to get out of the cold, following her in.

There was a rush of warm air that immediately made her feel perfectly dry, and made her realise they were in a wizards pub. It was incredibly busy, with a mixture of older and younger wizards and witches chatting loudly, little goblets of warm butterbeer floating above the crowds and being sent to different tables as they ordered. Y/N had heard about this place, a lot of her friends met up here after work at the Ministry or St Mungo’s, but Y/N had so far avoided it, the busyness of it all making her wholly overwhelmed.

And anyway, she’d recently charmed the cash register at her own bar to convert galleons to pounds and vice versa so she could meet her friends there after work instead. She was regretting that at this exact moment, however, wondering if it was the sign she’d placed above the entrance that could only be seen by wizards that had lured the marauders into the bar in the first place.

As if he could sense her discomfort Sirius ushered Y/N up the stairs and towards the smaller room on top of the pub’s main floor where it was quieter.

“Sorry, I forgot that it was peak time for 9-5ers,” He gestured to a booth in the corner of the room, and pulled out a chair for her to sit down in. Whilst all these actions seemed gentlemanly, she couldn’t help but feel suspicious of him being so kind, what was his angle?

“So I’m guessing you don’t work an office job?” Y/N attempted to make conversation, as he sat down opposite her, gesturing to a waiter who was waiting at the edge of the room.

“No, I work in hospitality too actually, a muggle pub in Soho,”

“Oh,” Y/N couldn’t seem to hide her surprise quickly enough, but luckily was interrupted by the waiter asking what they’d like to drink.

“Pint of Guinness thanks, what were you after?”

“A white wine is fine.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow at her.

“Are you sure? You can get something a bit more fun; I promise it’s on me regardless.”

“Do you have Hibiki Whiskey?”

“We do, Miss.”

“I’ll have that on the rocks.” The waiter nodded and walked off quickly.

“Good choice,” Sirius smiled at her again and Y/N couldn’t help but wonder if this was his hospitality smile coming through, “So, surprised I work in hospo?”

“Oh I, uh, I mean a little,” Y/N stumbled, hating herself a little for not wanting to offend him, “I guess it’s just cause you and James were top of the year, I think we all expected you to become Aurors.”

“Fair enough, I thought I was going to do that as well,” Y/N thought she saw his grey eyes darken slightly but he was back to his light and happy demeanour in less than a second, “I guess I just figured there are other ways to be helping out wizardkind.”

Y/N couldn’t help but laugh at that, his heroic expression and oddly cryptic words.

“Right.”

The silence between them was very awkward and Sirius shifted uncomfortably in his seat, clearly racking his brain for something else to say.

“So I guess I should really be apologising to you right about now,” He gave a little chuckle, trying to lighten the mood, but continued when Y/N refused to change her blasé expression, “I am really very sorry for how I treated you in school Y/N, I promise I didn’t intend to make fun of you or anything.”

“So, you just accidentally made me a laughingstock for the rest of my final year?” Y/N was surprised to hear the spite in her words but made an effort to keep her expression still and calm. Sirius grimaced, not replying until the waiter, who had brought over their drinks, had sidled away from them.

“I… look I know this sound ridiculous and you have every right to continue thinking I’m a right twat, but I sort of thought that James was playing a prank on me.”

“…What?”

“Well, it started when he superglued my paw- uh feet into my… shoes. I was stuck for a whole day,” Sirius hurried his story when Y/N didn’t laugh. Y/N personally felt proud of herself for not giving him the satisfaction, when she really did want to hear the rest of the story, “Well anyway it escalated to some relationship stuff and I sort of thought James had told you to create the most awkward thing I’d have to deal with...”

“What, dealing with someone else’s feelings?”

“Uh… yes?”

“Isn’t that a bit pathetic?”

“I mean I’m not standing up for myself here, I was a complete idiot, for both, what I did and not being able to handle other’s feelings very well,” He grinned sheepishly at her, taking a large gulp of his Guinness. Was he actually uncomfortable right now? Y/N really couldn’t tell if this was all just an elaborate lie or not, but it would be a pretty shit lie to tell.

“At least that’s something we can agree on.”

“Yeah, so I mean, do you believe me?”

Y/N sighed, so this is what it was, pandering his ego so that he could feel better about himself and forget that he ever did anything so terrible.

“Look I guess so, it would be a pretty terrible lie and I have a feeling you’re not an awful liar given the number of detentions you managed to get out of,” Y/N took a big gulp of the whiskey, savouring the burn that went down her throat.

“So… why are you working in hospitality? Ravenclaw like you would have expected big things as well,” Sirius seemed even more uncomfortable than before. Y/N also want to hit him a little bit, Ravenclaw stereotypes always got her riled up.

“Sirius, I’ve forgiven you, I believe you’re an idiot and didn’t mean to make me feel like shit, what are you still doing here?”

Sirius looked very taken aback, his cheeks flushing a bright red. He pulled his fingers through his hair, letting it fall down across his face and hide his eyes.

“I’m sorry I really didn’t want this to come across like that I just, I guess I wanted to make an effort to actually get to know you. So, I knew who I’d hurt.”

Y/N had no idea how to reply to that. It was annoyingly pragmatic, wanting to know who you’d hurt so they weren’t just a memory but a whole person.

“I totally understand if you want me to leave.”

“No, I get what you’re saying,” you’re an idiot you’re an idiot.

Sirius seemed to relax, leaning back into his chair with his pint held lazily in his hand. Y/N took the chance to put more alcohol in her system and avoid his gaze. She could feel her heartbeat increasing ever so slightly every time he looked at her and wished there was an easy spell to tell your body to shut it.

“So, was there a reason you decided to work at a bar?”

“Oh, well I originally wanted to work as a healer, but I guess I wanted to take a break from studying and all that, you know,” And she’d had to watch her parents slowly fade away after death eaters had found them in their holiday home two summers ago.

“Yeah I get that, that was kind of how I felt as well.”

They continued to chat for the better part of an hour, Sirius keeping his promise to cover the bill and said he would walk her home given that it was the middle of winter and the sun had long since gone down. They made small talk throughout the short walk over to her apartment building, both ignoring the fact that she probably could have apparated home much quicker.

“So, this is me,” Y/N nodded towards her apartment building which was a very ugly brown colour and regularly had fire alarms go off.

“Right of course, so uh thanks for letting me buy you a drink, and feed my ego,” Sirius smiled at her, putting out his hand for Y/N to shake.

“Yeah no worries, thanks for the expensive whiskey I guess,” She shook it and smiled back at her, pushing down the thought that had been plaguing her since she met him after work you idiot you idiot.

“And, well I wanted to say sorry again. If I could go back and curse everyone who was a prat to you in Seventh year I really would.”

“Well I mean they still exist.”

“Well then, my week will be spent hunting them down and making them spew slugs,” Sirius grinned, stepping back and towards the street corner, “I’ll see you around, I’m sure.”

“Yep,” Y/N gave him a last awkward nod and turned around to unlock her door. Before she could stop herself, she flicked her eyes towards the corner to see if he was still there, but he’d disappeared.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N was surprised that Sirius had also kept his promise to see her around, making sure to stop by the bar semi-regularly and stopping to chat, and always left a tip. In fact, it had slowly become a regular occurrence for Sirius to stop in after his own shifts at work or on a Sunday afternoon when he knew she worked and had time to chat if he sat up at the bar.

“Waiting for your boy,” Her manager had winked at her the previous Sunday, obviously noticing Y/N’s incessant habit of checking the door every few minutes even though she knew he worked late on Saturdays and wasn’t usually up until 12.

“He’s not my boy, he’s just a friend,” Y/N had replied weakly, looking quickly away from the door and smiling at another customer who had leaned over the bar to get her attention.

However, one day he’d stopped coming. At first, Y/N had thought perhaps he’d just decided not to come, but after a whole week Y/N had begun to think otherwise.

She pushed him from her mind, but couldn’t help glancing over at the door subconsciously every so often as if he was going to wander through the door with a wide grin and a ridiculously wild story of where he’d been all week. Y/N hated it but she’d really become accustomed to his visits, enjoying chatting to him about work, his friends, her friends, the escapades himself and the boys got up to when he had a day off.

Stop getting sucked into boys being prats she scolded herself for wondering about him again when she walked home after work that night, huffing and speeding up, enjoying the feeling of the cool air whipping her face.

“Y/N?” A voice called out to her in the dark. Y/N immediately whipped out her wand, turning to the steps leading to her apartment where the voice had come from. Lumos she thought, her wand shining onto the top step, revealing a figure hunched over and leaning on the marble pillars that sat beside the door.

“Merlin’s beard, Sirius?” Y/N stood momentarily in shock before rushing over to him, getting rid of the light on her wand in case any of her neighbours came around the corner, “What are you doing?”

“I -uh, may have done something a little bit stupid,” He grimaced, pulling open his coat and revealing what looked like a huge gash across his chest.

“What on earth is that! Why didn’t you go to St Mungo's?” She shook her head at him but leaned down and helped him up, all the same, leading him into her apartment building and towards her home.

She huffed, trying to hold him up whilst she unlocked the door, nearly falling over as she pushed him through the door and onto the nearest couch, closing the door with her foot.

“Well, what I was doing wasn’t exactly legal…” He groaned as he sat down again, pressing a hand onto his injury and trying to straighten his body so it wasn’t contorted.

“Why am I not surprised,” Y/N huffed, busying herself in the kitchen, grabbing a mixture of potion ingredients she’d kept around since she’d attempted to go through the healer training.

“I’m sorry to just turn up like this, I just remembered you know a bit about dark injuries and the boys didn’t exactly know where I was going and fuck” He groaned louder this time, his head banging back into the top of the couch.

“Take off your coat and shirt, if anything the material is going to be making it sting more than necessary,” Y/N placed a heap of magical ingredients and a small cauldron onto the sitting room table, placing a mixture into it and setting it alight. She couldn’t help but glance up every few moments as he winced, pulling off his clothes to reveal his tanned and annoyingly muscular chest. The gash also looked much much worse now that there was nothing covering it, a deep black line that seemed to have burnt a hole so deep she could see his pink flesh in the middle.

“You know you’re going to have to tell me what you did so I can actually do something you help you,” Y/N grabbed some disinfectant and began dabbing the wound softly, kneeling on the carpet in front of him. He didn’t reply, just wincing at her touch as she made her way along his chest, careful to only press as hard as needed. She definitely didn’t need her neighbours hearing someone screaming from her lounge, especially when she already suspected they thought she was a little odd.

“Sirius,” Y/N murmured again, softer this team, sitting back on her heels when she’d finished disinfecting the wound and looking up at him.

“Look, I just… I just need something to help it heal ok? I’ll be out of your hair in no time,” He replied finally, through gritted teeth.

“Don’t be stupid, Black, I couldn’t give a rats ass what you were up to ok? I’m not going to go about sharing it with the world, but you know as good as anyone that this is obviously dark magic and dark magic always needs something extra to get the healing process started. Unless you want that to eat right through your chest?”

Y/N gave him a small smile and he sighed loudly, wincing at the effect it had on his chest.

“Yeah right ok,” He grumbled but sat up a little, letting her get a better look at it, “I’d heard of some death eater activity on the outskirts of Oxford, from Bellatrix Lestrange – not sure if you remember her from school? She was the Slytherin with black hair and bitchy demeanour?”

He laughed at himself and then winced again as his lungs pushed out and moved the wound.

“Alright enough with the jokes, what did she do to you then?”

“Well, uh, she and I have a bit of a history of hating each other, and she seemed to think it would be funny to cast the fun ol’ obtusiore nouacula curse on me.”

“Shit, Sirius, you’re lucky she didn’t get to your heart.”

“Yes, lucky man am I,” He tried to smile at her again, slowly slipping lower into the chair. Y/N got him to stand up again, arm around her shoulder and moved him to the couch so he could lie flat.

“Don’t you dare try to get up again, this isn’t something that’s going to heal overnight. I’m going to put a salve on it to stop it from spreading for the minute but it’s going to take me some time to put together the potions that will stop it from spreading and begin to heal the skin,” Y/N started to leaf through some of the books she had grabbed, finding the right pages and making sure she had all the necessary ingredients. Sirius watched her silently, letting his body relax into the soft couch, feeling relief wash over him for the first time in 24 hours.

“Thank you,” He said quietly, reaching over to grab her forearm, making Y/N look up at him. Sirius swore he saw her blush lightly, but she dropped her head quickly before he could give her a proper look.

“You can thank me by not chasing after death eaters by yourself,” She muttered, but was smiling all the same, “I’ll put on the TV.”

With a flick of her hand the small television in the corner had switched on, blasting Bewitched loudly.

“What a classic,” Sirius snorted.

“I just feel so separated from the wizarding world sometimes I need to see what’s going on.”

“This is most definitely not the way to do that.”

“Shut up and let me make potions so you don’t die.”

Sirius put his hands up in defeat, grinning mischievously, and turning back to watch the episode. They sat in silence as Y/N brewed the first potion that would let him at least sleep without pain, and started on the next as Sirius began to drift in and out of sleep. She watched him, leaning into the couch, his eyes closing slowly and opening quickly every few minutes as his body contorted awkwardly.

Y/N got him to sit up slowly, bringing the potion over to him and lifting it to his mouth so that he could sip it slowly. It was clear that he was losing the adrenaline that had got him to her apartment and likely even awake given the intensity of the wound.

“Ok come on, let’s get you into bed so you can actually go to sleep,” Y/N lifted up his arms slowly so that he could start pushing himself up off the couch and help drag himself into her bedroom.

“I can just sleep on the couch you know,” Sirius mumbled into her arm, the weight of his body leant almost entirely against her. Y/N lay him down on her bed, pulling off his shoes and putting a blanket over his legs.

“Shut up, Sirius,” She snorted at him trying to get back up off the bed and barely lifting himself upright, “Look it’s fine, sleep here, I’ll be in the other room. I’ll probably be back in every few hours to clean your chest again so don’t get freaked out if I wake you up, alright?”

“Mmmmhmmm,” He replied into the pillow, his eyes already closed. In a few moments, he was already snoring loudly. Y/N watched him for a moment, his hair moving up and down across his face with every breath. Leave him alone you stalker, she made herself turn around and head back into the living room where the books for the remaining potions were left open. For a curse like this Sirius was going to be downing potions for a week, something which Y/N didn’t quite trust him to do by himself.

Whilst she continued to brew, she wondered if she should be getting in contact with James or someone, someone who might actually be able to help him. Someone who actually knows him.

She set an alarm so that every few hours she could wake him up and feed him some more potion, checking on his chest to see if the dark spots had started to recede from the wound instead of going further in towards the flesh of his lungs. He barely noticed her every time she woke him up, mumbling a little in his sleep.

Sirius didn’t wake up again until about midday, stretching out slowly in the bed. It felt like every muscle in his body was aching, he could feel a dull throbbing in his chest and peered down to see the bandage stuck across where his wound was. He slowly pushed himself upright, looking around the room he’d fallen asleep in, trying to blink the light out of his eyes.

The room was covered in posters of the Holyhead Harpies, the floor covered in clothes and shoes to the point where he could barely see the carpet. He groaned loudly as he got out of bed, sluggishly walking out of the room and toward the living room where he presumed Y/N had made her bed for the night. Unsurprisingly, Y/N was fast asleep on the couch and snoring loudly, one hand still on the table as if she was reaching for some more ingredients as she fell asleep.

He leaned down and tapped Y/N on her shoulder, smiling down at her as she sat up quickly looking around like she had forgotten something, finding his eyes after a few minutes of confusion.

“Oh sorry, you’re awake! I haven’t cooked anything I must have fallen asleep,” She stood up quickly, blinking her eyes quickly as if she was seeing spots.

“Sit down you idiot, I was only waking you up to see if you liked bacon. I can make us some eggs on toast,” Sirius pushed her back down on the couch and looked at her expectantly. Y/N was definitely caught off guard, her brain still riling at the fact that Sirius Black was standing over her, very much shirtless, his hair almost 10x better after sleeping on it which just made her a bit mad.

“So… breakfast?”

“Oh right, yes, yeah I’ll eat whatever. There’s stuff in the fridge I think,” She lay back into the couch, watching him saunter off into the kitchen and start pulling out a bunch of different spices and ingredients across the counter. Y/N couldn’t really remember the last time there was anyone cooking in that kitchen except for the few late-night moments when she’d made very average French toast whilst drunk.

“How are you feeling?” Y/N finally got up to join him, making a pot of coffee and sitting on the countertop sipping slowly.

“Oh, heaps better,” Sirius had begun frying up the bacon and was clearly wincing every time he had to reach for another egg to fry up, “I can be out of your hair after breakfast, promise.”

“And are you planning on telling anyone else what happened?”

“Well, I mean… probably not?” He turned to face her with a bit of a sheepish grin, plating up the fried eggs and bacon onto a large plate Y/N had forgotten she had.

“Well then you’re not going anywhere,” Y/N used her most forceful voice, trying to seem like she was doing this for her own good. Yeah, you’re not forcing him to hang out with you or anything, stalker.

Sirius frowned at her, getting some knives and forks out so they could start on breakfast. He didn’t say anything, making Y/N’s stomach form a knot and regret saying anything ever in her entire life. They dug into the food, sitting side by side on her oversized chairs under the kitchen counter.

Y/N had never been so aware of someone’s body in her life. It felt like every single movement he made beside her made her arm hairs stand on end like she’d been hit with an electric shock.

“You can obviously go though if you need. I more just meant that you know, you should at least tell someone so you can keep taking the potions and like, not die.”

“Yeah look fair,” Sirius barked a laugh, finishing off the last of his eggs, “I’ll stay another day, and I’ll make sure to pay you back for the ingredients.”

Y/N bit her lip, smiling a little uncomfortably.

“Yeah about that, we are actually going to need some more. There’s like 10 different potions you’ll need to avoid permanent damage to your lungs.”

“Well we can take a trip to Diagon Alley this afternoon, I wouldn’t mind picking up some fun curse books myself,” Sirius winked at her and grabbed her plate to wash up.

“Sit down, you fool, you need to rest,” Y/N grabbed the plates from out of his hands and nodded towards the couch.

“Alright, alright,” He collapsed onto the couch groaning loudly and curling under the blanket that Y/N had left there the night before.

Y/N spent the rest of the morning trying to avoid looking over at him as he stretched himself out on the couch, falling in and out of sleep. She ended up going to Diagon Alley by herself, wandering the street to find all the bits and pieces to finish off the potions and stopping into Flourish and Blotts to see if she could find any good books on defensive curses.

“Y/N?”

Y/N turned around quickly, surprised to bump into anyone on a Monday afternoon when all her friends had finished school and professors would be back at Hogwarts for the year. Remus was standing in front of her, holding a pile of about 10 different books and leaning backwards slightly under the weight of it all.

“Oh hey, Remus!” Y/N hadn’t spoken to him past saying hi at the bar for a few years, she wasn’t sure that she would have stopped him if she saw him here. Though to be fair, bookstores were her kryptonite and would have likely not noticed him at all, “How are you?”

“Yeah alright, I’m actually really glad I bumped into you though. We seemed to have lost Sirius – I’m sure he’s fine” He corrected, mistaking her uncomfortable expression with fear, “But you know, if you’ve heard from him at all…?”

“I uh haven’t… well I mean I saw him last we-yester,” Y/N gulped, really not wanting to lie to one of his best friends about his whereabouts when he’s probably worried sick.

“Y/N?”

“He’s at my place, sorry. I have no idea why he hasn’t said anything to you guys.”

“He’s at yours?” Remus smirked at her, his books moving a little as he clearly held back a laugh.

“Well yeah? He needed some potions for an injury… what!”

“You remember Lily, right?”

“Yes?”

“You know, his best friends’ wife and healer at St Mungo’s?”

“Oh.”

“Yep.”

Y/N bit her lip. She wasn’t 100% sure what this meant. If anything this just confirmed that Sirius really didn’t want to tell the boys what he got up to when they weren’t around.

“I mean, he did something really stupid he probably didn’t want to tell you all-“

“He’s been talking about you for about 2 months straight, Y/N, you can’t be that oblivious,” Remus teased, chuckling at her ever-reddening face. Remus was being an idiot, there was no way in hell she meant anything more to Sirius than a good friend. Or maybe he liiiiiikkes you.

“Oblivious to what! He’s the one who thought me liking him could be a prank,”

“Ok ok, well anyway can you tell him he’s a git for not telling anyone where he was for a week, and also stop messing you around,” He winked at her, nodding a goodbye seeing that he was carrying a years’ worth of reading materials. Y/N was rooted to the spot, her heart racing and stomach twisting over and over. Remus was just making fun of Sirius getting excited over a new friend, right? And anyway, it wouldn’t matter because she didn’t still like him, she had a crush on him years ago.

“Yeah, right, it wouldn’t matter.” Y/N muttered to herself, almost walking out of the store without paying. Y/N felt like she didn’t really remember how she got home, but eventually, she was placing the ingredients on the bench and fiddling with the pages of the book she had just gotten Sirius.

“Ah, the master of the house returns!” Sirius croaked from the couch, turning to face her with a sleepy smile on his face.

“Yes, I’m back, I found you a book as well. Though I got a defensive book instead of just plain old dark magic,” She put the book on the coffee table and sat next to it, “Did you take everything I left for you?”

“Yes of course,” Sirius laughed at her, sitting up so he could take the book off the counter, “You would have made a great healer.”

Y/N said nothing but continued to smile at him. Her head was still going round and round about her conversation with Remus.

“This book looks amazing by the way, Y/N, thanks!” He was already half-way through, looking at the different curses.

“Right yeah of course…”Y/N had begun chewing on her nails again, making Sirius look up and raise an eyebrow at her.

“You ok?”

“What? Oh, yes! I’m fine. No, I just bumped into Remus in Diagon Alley.”

“Ohhh,” Sirius put down the book, grimacing, “What did you say?”

“I may have told him you were here, I’m sorry I don’t really love the idea of your mates wandering around unsure about where you are,” Y/N smiled at him, hoping he wouldn’t hate that she gave him up.

“Ahh, no it’s fine.”

“Are you sure? Cause your face says otherwise.”

“No, I just, uh…” Sirius combed a nervous hand through his hair, looking away from her, “It’s nothing, it honestly is fine. They should know I’m safe and not dead.”

Sirius’ joke would have landed much better if his face wasn’t bright red and contorted into the look of someone who was extremely uncomfortable.

“Are you ok there?”

“Please ignore my traitor of a face,” Sirius barked a laugh, still not looking at her in the eye. Y/N was about to reply when she saw blood oozing from the bandage she had probably averagely placed the night before.

“Ok, I need to change that over, it’s going to get infected.”

Y/N busied herself with getting a new roll of bandages, finding herself standing in the bathroom staring at her reflection.

“Stop being ridiculous, Y/N, you’re going to make a fool of yourself,” She muttered to herself, subconsciously fixing her hair in the mirror. Or perhaps this is your chance? Don’t let your embarrassment get in the way of the stupidly cute boy who is blushing in your presence and is sitting on your couch.

Y/N tapped on the sink for a few more minutes before realising that she had probably taken a little too long just to grab new bandages.

“Sorry, couldn’t find them for a minute, lean back for a second,” Y/N gave a wide, and relatively fake, smile to Sirius, sitting back down on the coffee table and pushing it in towards him so she was close enough to pull the old one off his bare chest.

“This might hurt a little bit,” She said quietly, taking it off slowly. It was clinging to the skin, and Sirius gritted his teeth as she revealed the wound. The black edges were receding slightly, but the flesh underneath the wound was still open and the blood hadn’t begun to clot over it yet.

Whilst putting on the new bandage back on, she couldn’t help but notice how close her face was to his, how easy it would be to just lean in and kiss him.

“I -uh,” Y/N cleared her through, feeling like she was making this much more awkward than it needed to be.

“Yeah…” Sirius mumbled softly, their faces inches apart. Y/N could feel his breath on her skin, his heart beating steadily in his chest. He leaned in a little closer, moving incredibly slowly as if he was unsure, nervous, a side to him she didn’t really think existed.

And then his lips were on hers, Sirius softly pushing her closer to him with his hand on her shoulder blades. She felt like she was melting into the kiss, his stubble rubbing up against her cheek as he deepened the kissed, lifting his arm up towards her hair and running his nails through and pulling her head closer to his own.

Eventually, they pulled apart, both breathing heavily, resting their foreheads against each other.

“So, I need to confess something to you, Y/N,” Sirius mumbled grinning stupidly at her.

“Is that so?”

“I very much have a bit of a thing for you,”

Y/N lifted her head, turning to look around the room exaggeratedly.

“JAMES! I know you’re here somewhere you cheeky boy,” Y/N shook her head, grinning cheekily back at him as Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Did I ever tell you I was an idiot?”

“I think maybe you did, a little while ago.”

“Well hopefully I can maybe make it up to you, perhaps you wouldn’t hate going out for dinner with me sometime?” Sirius’ had pulled away, his grey eyes piercing her own as he bit his lip nervously.

“I definitely don’t think I would hate that.”

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hurt-care · 5 years

Text

Secrets

Set during the first Wizarding War. This might be one of my favs, but it’s a bummer.

Remus/Sirius, Remus with a cold

---

They were all gathered at a long table in Dorcas Meadowes' country home where the Order had established one of their safe houses for meetings. Albus Dumbledore sat at the head of the table listening while Marlene McKinnon gave an update on her recent mission with Edgar Bones. James, Lily, and Peter were all seated together toward the middle while Remus, ever punctual, was closer to the front.

And Sirius Black was running late. Again.

He circled his motorbike high above the fields, searching for the glimmer of the enchantments that hid the house. Finally he spotted them in the distance and sent the bike into a sharp dive, landing at such speed that he nearly sent himself toppling over the handlebars. He performed a few quick charms to hide the bike and a few more to get past the safe house's security spells. Finally, he was at the door visible to only those who had been given the location by the secret keeper. He let himself inside and rushed down the hallway to the kitchen, rounding the corner and entering with a grin on his face.

“Mr. Black, I see you've managed to join us,” Dumbledore said cooly. “We've just begun.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Sirius groveled, making his way through the jumble of chairs to the only remaining open spot at the far end of the table next to Sturgis Podmore. A few seats down at a spot across the table, James gave a small wave and stuck his tongue out at his friend. Sirius returned the gesture and gave a nod to Lily and Peter.

“Where's Moony?” he mouthed at James.

James inclined his head over to where Remus was sitting further along.

Sirius craned his neck to see, silently cursing Emmeline Vance for blocking his view. Then, by either his newly gained skill of mind-control or just simple luck, she pushed back her chair a bit and Remus came into view.

He was wearing a dark green wooly cardigan over his t-shirt despite the relatively mild spring weather and his head was inclined down, apparently studying the tabletop. It'd been weeks since Sirius had seem him. Dumbledore had sent Remus off on some mission up north that Sirius wasn't privy to...at least not yet. It didn't take much prying to get Remus to give up some little details.

Look up, Sirius thought as he stared at the man, but Remus remained still. Sirius definitely didn't have the power of mind control....too bad.

“Will you update us on your work, Sturgis?” Dumbledore was saying and Sirius snapped back to reality as Sturgis began speaking beside him.

Sirius feigned interest in the report, listening with as much attention as he could muster. He was counting the knots in the wooden kitchen cabinets to stay awake when a sound caught his ear.

Hrrhhh-tsKGHHH!

It was a heavy and tired-sounding, congested sneeze. His head turned just in time to see Remus' face emerge from behind a plaid flannel handkerchief. Their eyes finally met and Remus looked away quickly, but not before Sirius got a decent look at him. Remus' eyes were heavily circled and tired, like he'd been dragged out of bed after a full moon to attend the meeting. But Sirius knew that wasn't true. The moon had been over a week ago, because Sirius spent that night staking out a suspected Death Eater hideout with James. The majority of the mission involved them sitting in a grove of trees watching a house while the full moon hung ominously above them, a constant reminder of their friend.

“Fuck Dumbledore and his sodding missions,” Sirius had said, perturbed, as he'd poked a stick into the dirt at the base of the tree where he sat next to James. “We should be with Moony.”

“Dumbledore doesn't know, about Prongs and Padfoot,” James had replied with the sort of rational thinking that he'd apparently acquired with the threat of his impending fatherhood.

“Wonder where he is."

“He never can tell us.”

“He'll tell me,” Sirius had insisted.

Now, here they were, nearly reunited. By the looks of him, wherever Remus had been wasn't a pleasant place. A small swell of rage rose in Sirius' gut as he thought about Remus being sent to do whatever ridiculous dirty work Dumbledore always seemed to be putting him up to.

“Thank you, Sturgis,” Dumbledore was saying. “And Hestia?”

Sirius kept his gaze fixed on Remus, who sat facing away with his head propped up by his hand, elbow resting on the table. For someone who usually excelled at feigning attention, Remus looked a bit like he might drop off to sleep at any second. His head began to dip and Sirius thought that he might be starting to doze, but the sharp sound that followed told otherwise.

Ngh'tXHT!

The stifled sneeze was barely audible over Hestia's Order report. Remus' shoulders rose and fell as he sniffled thickly.

Sirius reached for his quill and a scrap of parchment from his bag.

Your flat after? I'll make tea. You look terrible.

He folded the scrap and tapped it with his wand before dropping it casually on the floor. The parchment slid silently along the ground under the long dining table before rising up and hovering just above Remus' lap.

It took a moment for Remus to notice to note but when he unfolded it, he paused to scrub a hand wearily across his eyes before reading the parchment. His head moved slightly, as if tempted to turn and look down the table, but his gaze remained downward and he scribbled a response before dropping the scrap back on the floor.

Sirius caught the paper as it returned to his lap, unfolding it to reveal Remus' familiar script.

Have to debrief w. Dumbledore after. Then I want my own bed. Won't be good company.

With a sigh, Sirius pocketed the note and tried to refocus on the meeting. Why did Remus need private debriefing with Dumbledore? Couldn't it wait? Clearly he wasn't well and sitting in an Order meeting was probably the last place he wanted to be. And Remus hadn't seen any of them in weeks...why didn't he at least want to say a brief hello?

The meeting seemed to drag on for a decade longer until finally Dumbledore clapped his hands together and thanked everyone for attending. Sirius scrambled to his feet, grabbing his bag and trying to fight the crowd to get over to Remus, but by the time he'd made it across the room, Remus and Dumbledore were gone.

“What's going on?” James asked, coming up behind Sirius. “He looked terrible.”

“I don't know,” Sirius replied, frustrated. “He said he needed to meet with Dumbledore privately for a debrief. Whatever the hell Dumbledore has him doing, I don't like it.”

“It's strange that he can never tell us,” Peter chimed in, joining the group. “Whatever it is, I don't understand why only Remus can know about it.”

“Dumbledore knows he's smart,” Lily added. “If he's trusted Remus with something secret, we should respect that.”

“Marauders don't keep secrets,” Sirius huffed, staring daggers at the closed door at the end of the room where he guessed Remus and Dumbledore had gone.

“We've got to get going,” James said, putting an arm around Lily. “Let us know if you get anything out of him.”

“I've got to run too,” Peter said. “Appointment. Catch you later, Pads?”

Sirius nodded.

When the others had gone, he thought briefly about barging in on the meeting between Dumbledore and Remus, but a better idea came to him and he went outside to his motorbike instead.

He rolled the bike over behind a large shrub and cast several disillusionment spells on it, hiding it away for later retrieval. Remus' flat wasn't close at all to the safe-house and if he wanted to get there before Remus, he'd have to Apparate.

Concentrating on the location of the Muggle neighbourhood in North London where Remus lived, he spun on his heel and disappeared, returning back to the ground in the alley beside Remus' building.

It took him several minutes gain entry, carefully removing layer after layer of protective spells. Then, it was a simple 'alohamora' and he was inside.

Remus' flat didn't have much in it to warrant that many locking spells, Sirius thought as he looked around the space. It was a bachelor flat consisting of one small room and an adjacent washroom. There was a tiny desk and chair in one corner, piled with books and parchment and an assorted array of other magical instruments and tools. The far wall had a counter with a sink, an electric kettle, a hot plate, and a fridge. Remus' bed and dresser took up the remaining wall.

Sirius inspected the cupboards, coming up with a box of teabags and he fiddled with the Muggle sink and kettle, finally figuring out how to get the damn thing to start boiling (you had to match that tail on the kettle up to the hole in the wall? A plug, was it?). With the tea prepped, he moved to Remus' bed, inspecting the chaotic pile of blankets and pillows. Nothing matched and nothing seemed to be in its proper place, with pillows on the floor and the quilts all tangled in a ball. He tossed them all off the bed and went about layering them back on the bed in neat stacks.

He was just fluffing the last pillow when he heard a sound at the door. Turning with a smile, he saw the door open quickly and the next thing he knew, he was on the ground unable to move.

“For fucksake, Sirius!” Remus' voice cried. It sounded hoarse and tired.

Sirius couldn't move his mouth to reply, so instead he gave a small groan from his spot on the floor.

Remus pointed his wand at the prone body on his floor and said “Rennervate!”

Sirius sat up slowly, rubbing the back of his head where it'd smacked the hardwood.

“Hello to you too, Moony.”

“I put locking spells on my door for a reason, Sirius.”

“And I am remarkably good at removing them."

“I'll have to get stronger ones, then,” Remus replied dryly. “Thank you for the housewarming, but I just want to—teh....”

Remus paused mid-sentence and furrowed his brows, mouth dropping open and nostrils flaring threateningly. He dug in the pocket of his trousers for his handkerchief and barely got it to his face in time to smother two violent sneezes.

Hurhh'TSGHHTT! Nhh..gh'TSGHTT!

“Bless you,” Sirius said. “Sit. I made tea. I figured out your strange kettle with the tail.”

“Sirius....” Remus said from behind the cloth shield as he wiped his nose and gave a short, wet blow. “Please, I'll owl you later. I just want to go to bed.”

“Then go to bed. I'll stay.”

“I don't want you skulking around my flat while I'm sleeping,” Remus said, his voice starting to sound frustrated.

“You're gone for weeks without so much as a peep and then you turn back up looking and sounding like hell and wanting absolutely nothing to do with your best friends,” Sirius replied, exasperated. “What exactly do you have to hide, Moony, because you're not doing yourself any favours with this act.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” Remus snapped back. “I don't want to argue with you. Please, Sirius. You should just --”

He was about to say “go” but his words caught in his throat and he began to cough. Sinking down to sit on the edge of his bed, Remus tucked his face into the crook of his arm, body shaking with each pained hack.

“Moony...” Sirius began, approaching the coughing man.

“Just go,” Remus choked out between spasms. His pale face was turning pink and sweaty with exertion.

“Let me get you some water first,” Sirius insisted, hurrying to the kitchen and pouring a glass. He returned to Remus' bedside and sat down, offering the cup over with one hand and placing the other on the man's back. Remus kept coughing, his back rising and falling under Sirius' touch. He took a sip of the water, then another, until the coughs slowly died away and Remus was left breathing shallowly as his strained lungs rested.

“There,” Sirius said, taking the empty water glass from Remus' grip and setting it down on the nightstand. “Now, tell me what drawer you keep your pyjamas in and I'll fetch them.”

“You don't have t—teh...heh'tsgHTT!”

Remus' sneeze was blocked by his wrist but when he pulled his hand away, his nose was shiny around the edges with moisture.

“I'm going to fetch your pyjamas for you whether you like it or not, Remus Lupin,” Sirius insisted. “Tell me where they are or I'll go digging through your drawers and make fun of all your pants.”

“Bottom drawer,” Remus said, defeated. He stood and plodded over to the washroom, shutting the door behind him. As Sirius picked out a pair of pyjama bottoms and a soft t-shirt, he could hear the muffled sounds of Remus trying to blow his nose over and over.

Sirius knocked on the bathroom door.

“I've got your clothes. I'll toss them in.”

He opened the door and threw the pyjamas inside before shutting it again. A few moments later, Remus emerged red-nosed and sniffling, now wearing the change of clothes. He walked past Sirius and straight to his bed, pushing back the stack of quilts and sliding under.

“You can go now,” he said, pulling one of the layers up and over his head.

“Or course,” Sirius replied. “Sleep well, Moony.”

But Sirius wasn't planning on going too far. Just down to the corner store for some medicine and food. It was painfully obviously that Remus had little of either thing in his flat.

Though Remus' neighbourhood was almost entirely Muggle, there was a small Wizarding shoppe located about a ten minute walk from the flat. Sirius found it relatively easily and stocked up a bag with instant self-warming soup, some more tea, and a variety of balms and tonics that claimed to ease colds. He bypassed the Pepper Up and other potions. Remus' werewolf physiology was generally hearty against the more common bugs cured by Pepper Up, so anything that managed to get him this sick tended to remain impervious to readily-available potion remedies.

Bag of supplies in hand, he went back to Remus flat and crept back inside.

Remus was asleep, snoring with the quiet wheezing sound of someone with a heavy cold. He'd thrown off some of the blankets and was splayed out, arms tangled in his sheets.

Sirius set the parcel of food and medicines down on the table and crossed to get a good look at his sleeping friend. Remus' face had a thin sheen of sweat across it and his normally pale cheeks were flushed an unnatural pink. Sirius pressed a tentative hand to the man's brow to confirm what he already worried was true; Remus definitely had a fever.

Sirius found a clean dishcloth in the kitchen and soaked it in cool water, wringing it out so it was damp but not dripping. Returning to the bedside, he pressed it against Remus' forehead.

The man shifted in his sleep, making a small moaning sound that near broke Sirius' heart.

“Oh, Moony,” he said softly. “What the hell did Dumbledore have you doing?”

Remus slept on, breathing noisily.

Just as Sirius was turning to busy himself with unpacking some his purchased supplies, there was the sound of someone Apparating outside in the hallway. Sirius grabbed his wand, gripping it tightly as he crept towards the door.

There was a knock. Behind him, Remus stirred and began to cough.

“Remus? It's me, Madam Pomfrey,” the person on the other side of the door called.

Sirius swung open the door, wand still at the ready, to indeed find the Hogwarts matron waiting in the hallway with her medical bag in hand.

“Mr. Black,” she said, sounding surprised. “Professor Dumbledore has asked that I come look in on Mr. Lupin.”

Sirius stepped aside a little to allow the matron to enter the flat. Across the room, Remus struggled to sit up in bed, still sputtering with coughs.

“Madam Pomfrey,” he choked.

“Don't sit up for my sake, lad,” she said, crossing to the bed and gently easing Remus back down into his nest of pillows. “I didn't realize your friends were already looking in on you, but I better take a look just to put the Headmaster's mind at ease.”

“Sirius was just leaving,” Remus said. The coughs had died away and he was lying with his eyes closed, looking utterly spent by the short fit.

Madam Pomfrey looked at Sirius who shrugged and shook his head.

“I'll leave you to it then,” he said.

Grabbing his bag, he went out into the hall but didn't leave. Instead, he stood against the closed door, ears straining to hear.

“How long have you been ill, dear?” Sirius heard the matron ask. Remus' response was muffled, but it sounded like he'd said “a while now.”

“And the others in the pack,” Madam Pomfrey said. “Were any of them ill with the same? Did they use any remedies?”

“Some,” Remus croaked but the rest of his response was lost to coughing. Sirius stumbled, reeling from this revelation. Others in the pack? What pack?

Had Remus been out with other werewolves?

He tried to picture it...their gentle, dry-humoured Moony out in the moors with a pack of feral werewolves who practiced only raw, primal magic and had no love for the Wizarding world. No wonder Remus was acting cagey.

He'd barely wrapped his mind around the idea of it when the flat door opened and Madam Pomfrey emerged.

“Oh, you're still here,” she said. “I was just saying to Remus that it would be ideal to have someone looking in on him, at least for the next day or two so he doesn't have to fix his own meals or potions. Will you be staying, Mr. Black?”

“Yes,” Sirius replied firmly over the sound of Remus' own quiet voice hissing “no” from the bed.

“Good. I've left the potion instructions on the table. Do owl me if you have any questions,” she said before looking back into the flat towards her most frequent patient. “Get some rest, Remus. I'll come by to check in on Tuesday."

“Thank you, Madam Pomfrey,” Sirius said, putting on his most charming grin. “I'll make sure he gets plenty.”

The matron smiled back and patted his shoulder before turning on her heel and apparating away.

“I guess you're stuck with me now, eh Moony?” Sirius said as he stepped back into the flat.

“I'm capable of taking care of myself,” Remus croaked. The flat now smelled strongly of some sort of mentholated balm and Remus was re-tucked back under the covers with a fresh enchanted cooling cloth on his brow.

“Might want to blow your nose then,” Sirius said, picking up a handkerchief from Remus' nightstand and handing it over. “You're leaking.”

Remus grabbed the cloth and pressed it to his nose with a scowl. The action seemed to irritate his red, inflamed nose and he soon was pinching the handkerchief over his nostrils, stifling a painful-sounding sneeze.

Ehh-GHXT!

“Bless,” Sirius said, taking a seat crosslegged at the end of Remus' bed. “Don't hold them in like that or you'll make your head explode.”

“You're going to make my head explode if you don't let me be,” Remus retorted.

“You know, you're normally a much more cheerful invalid than this,” Sirius said, a hint of joking in his voice.

Remus didn't respond but instead rolled over to his side, his face hidden in the pillows.

“Hey...” Sirius said after a moment, touching Remus' leg through the stacks of blankets. “I heard what Pomfrey said. About the pack? Do you want to talk about it?”

Under the quilts, Sirius could see Remus' shoulders rise and fall with a shuddering sigh.

“Moony?” Sirius asked again, scooting further down the bed. His hand found the curve of Remus' back and he settled his palm there, rubbing a small circle. From the nest of pillows came the quiet sound of a muffled sob.

“Talk to me,” Sirius urged gently. Remus head moved with a small shake.

“I can't,” Remus' voice said, tiny and hoarse.

“You can,” Sirius replied. “You always can. I won't tell Dumbledore that I know where he's been sending you. Frankly, I don't know why it's been such a secret all this time.”

Hurh'TSMPHHH!

Remus' body jerked with a sneeze and a moment later, his voice asked “can you pass me a handkerchief?”

Sirius found a clean one on the nightstand and passed it over. Remus emerged from his shield of pillows with the cloth over his face, eyes teary and cheeks flushed. He blew his nose with a very wet gurgle and then wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

Sirius looked at him solemnly. He could barely count on one hand the number of times he'd seen Remus cry. When they'd found out about him, of course. And when his mother had died.

And the prank.

And now. What had life been like with these werewolves that had him so upset?

“I'm tired,” Remus said when he'd finally given up trying to clear his nose.

“I know,” Sirius said. “Why don't you rest some more and we'll talk once you've had some rest?”

“You don't have to stay,” Remus murmured, rolling back over.

“You're not getting rid of me now,” Sirius said. “Not now that I have Pomfrey's orders.”

Remus gave a small sound of agreement.

“Can Padfoot stay?” Sirius asked. Sometimes, after particularly painful transformations, the warmth and bulk of the large black dog against Remus' tired body seemed to help. More than once, Sirius had snuck into the hospital wing and curled up under the standard-issue white sheets and scratchy wool blankets to help Remus' recovery.

“Okay,” Remus agreed.

A second later, the shaggy black dog leapt up onto the bed and circled twice before settling down against Remus' hip. The young man heaved a weary sigh and curled a hand through Padfoot's thick fur before he was back to sleep.

Sirius managed a little bit of sleep as Padfoot, but most of the time he lay curled up against Remus was spent awake, thinking. As Padfoot, his mind was simpler and clearer, with thoughts coming and going more as feelings and images than concrete ideas. He thought about Moony, alone and cold in an unfamiliar place, probably living somewhere that would make the Shrieking Shack look like Versailles.

Remus slept soundly at first, clearly exhausted and in need of the rest. But after a while, his breathing was beginning to sound noisier and he started sniffling and sputtering between snores. The sputters turned into small coughs that grew until he was coughing himself awake. He writhed under the sheets, pushing them back as he struggled to sit up. Beside him, Padfoot rose up and with a single fluid motion turned back to Sirius.

“Hey,” Sirius said, grabbing Remus' arm and helping to prop him up with a pillow. Remus' chest rattled audibly as he sputtered with the phlegmy coughs. He reached over to his nightstand for a handkerchief and held it to his face, trying to clear his nose but only making a squelching, honking sound instead.

“Fucking drowning in this post-nasal stuff,” he murmured as the coughing finally stopped. He blew his nose in one final attempt to clear the congestion and balled up the handkerchief for later laundering.

“Pomfrey left something that'll help,” Sirius said. “Just a second.”

He untangled himself from the mess of blankets and limbs, crawling over Remus and heading for the kitchen table where the matron had left supplies. He returned carrying a small pot with a lid dotted with holes.

“Says just to set a heating charm,” he told Remus, setting the pot down on the nightstand. He tapped it with his wand and said the spell. Almost instantly, the pot began to release a heavy steam.

“Humidifier,” Remus said. “Never seen a magical one.”

“Smells funny.”

“It's just more menthol,” Remus replied, leaning back into the pillows and closing his eyes. “I imagine I'll stink of it for the next week or so.”

“Better than stinking of other things,” Sirius quipped. “Did you get some decent rest, at least? You were out for quite a while.”

“I think so,” Remus replied wearily. “Still beat but I'll stay up a while and see if that thing does any good.”

“D'want something to eat, then?” Sirius asked. “I got some soup, or there's toast?”

“Soup?”

“Aye, when you were sleeping before, I walked down to MacMurray's. Got some instant soup and a few other things. Didn't know at the time that your personal physician would be stopping by.”

“She's not my-”

“I'm joking, Moony,” Sirius interrupted. “Relax. What do you want to eat?”

“I'm fine, thanks.”

“You have to eat, Remus.”

“The soup then,” Remus relented. “Just a little bit.”

Sirius went to the kitchen area and opened the tin, which was enchanted to be magically warmed when exposed to air. He poured the steaming broth into two bowls, careful to make sure that Remus' had the bulk of the chicken bits for protein.

“There,” he said, returning to the bed and handing a bowl over to Remus. “Eat up.”

Remus took the bowl with cupped hands and held it close to his face, quietly slurping a few spoonfuls. Sirius sat at the opposite end of the bed, eating his own portion.

Hehh...

Between slurps, Remus' breath hitched and his eyes widened in panic. With the quick reflexes, Sirius flicked his wand and took hold of Remus' bowl with a spell, just in time to allow the man to turn his head and shield his nose with his shoulder.

Hhehh-TSGHTT! Nhhh...hehh'tsh-GSHGXT! Tshh'GHGHTT!

Dazed and blinking in the aftermath of the fit, Remus raised his head back up with a thick sniffle and wrinkled his nose.

“Thanks,” he said, taking hold of the bowl of soup once more. “That could have been a disaster.”

“This is precisely the reason Pomfrey recommended that someone stay,” Sirius teased, releasing the bowl from the levitation spell and returning to his own meal.

“Doubt it,” Remus replied, focusing on his soup as if he could see the future in the noodles like tea leaves.

“Hey,” Sirius said, grabbing Remus' leg lightly through the piled blankets. “Did Dumbledore send you on a mission to lose your sense of humour or something?”

Remus scowled at him over the soup bowl.

“Moony,” Sirius urged, setting his empty bowl down on the ground. “Talk to me. You said you would.”

With a sigh, Remus put his own bowl down on the nightstand and huffed a few coughs into the crook of his elbow. Lying half propped-up against the stack of pillows, he looked possibly worse than he had a few hours before. His cheeks were still flushed with fever and his nose was red and raw.

“There's not much to tell,” he said.

“You met other werewolves?” Sirius asked.

“I did,” Remus confirmed. “At Dumbledore's request. Not everyone in the Order knows about me, so we've kept it quiet.”

“But why from us?” Sirius asked.

“I suppose it made it easier,” Remus confessed. “Less explanation.”

“We're you're friends, Moony. What I can't understand is why you went alone without telling any of us. And why when you turned back up looking like hell, you wanted nothing to do with us.”

“You can't possibly understand this, Pads,” replied Remus earnestly. “And I didn't want to try to explain it.”

“Try me,” Sirius challenged. “What about it can't I understand? Tell me what it was like. Were they nice or were they terrible?”

Remus looked down at his hands.

“Some were nice,” he said softly. “And some weren't. Mostly it made me angry. Angry and sad.”

“Sad?”

“It took me ages to find them,” Remus began, crossing his arms across his chest and hugging himself tight. “The one pack I was trying to find this time, I mean. They live way out in rural Wales, farther from any town than you can walk in a day. They have what I suppose you could call a camp, but that implies there's some shelter and supplies. They don't have much of either. It's a few lean-tos and fires, and a couple of stolen cots and such.”

“What do they do for food?” Sirius asked, his stomach sinking with each new detail.

“Hunt for what they can find, at least during the new moons. Mostly rabbits and sometimes they'll get lucky and trap something larger. During the full, they'll take down any prey they're able. They got a few deer while I ran with them, but no men, thankfully.”

“How many of them?”

“Fifteen in this pack. Ten men, five women.”

“And they let you stay with them?” Sirius asked.

“After some convincing, yes,” Remus replied. “They weren't very trusting of someone they tracked for twelve kilometres before he noticed them. A wolf that was freshly shaven and smelling of candle-smoke and parchment. At least I didn't have my wand. I locked it in a safety deposit box at a bank in Cardiff.”

“You didn't have your wand?” Sirius exclaimed.

“I couldn't,” Remus said. “Not if I wanted to earn their trust. It was the first time since I got it at Ollivander's that I've been without it. I don't think I've ever been so scared walking away from somewhere than I was leaving that bank.”

“Rightfully so,” Sirius scoffed. “Wandless magic talents aside, I would never!”

“I didn't have a choice,” Remus replied, his voice pained. With every word, he was getting hoarser. “They hate wizards, Sirius. And after I spoke to them, I can say that I understand why.”

“You can understand why they hate wizards?” Sirius said incredulously. “You're a bloody wizard, Remus!”

“I was turned long before I learned magic,” Remus said. “I am only a wizard because of a ridiculous streak of dumb luck granted by the sheer idiotic kindness of Dumbledore. If not for him, I would be them. I would hate us too.”

“Were some of them wizards...before?” Sirius asked.

“No,” Remus replied. “I've heard about wizards who get turned. They don't usually last very long. If you don't grow up with this, it isn't an adjustment that you can easily make. There are some who can do magic, but it's primitive. Mostly wandless spells for fire and tracking. A few know some healing spells.”

“You must've impressed them, then,” Sirius said. “I remember McGonagall saying that your wandless magic was the best she'd ever seen.”

“There's a reason for that,” Remus said darkly. “A natural talent, one might say.”

“If they hate wizards, why would they align with You-Know-Who?” asked Sirius. “He has all the worst sorts of wizards who especially hate werewolves. If they knew how many of his followers actively campaign for stronger restrictions...”

“He's offering free blood,” Remus interrupted. “The chance to hunt openly and ruthlessly. There are those of them who want that. And for the others, he's making empty promises about power and glory. I'm trying to convince them that none of it is true.”

He pulled his legs up and hugged his knees to his chest, suddenly looking much younger than his twenty years. Sirius reached out and touched Remus' arm, giving it a gently squeeze.

“I'm sure you did convince some of them,” Sirius said. “Who wouldn't trust you?”

Remus gave a barking laugh that turned into coughing. When he managed to get it under control, he wiped his mouth and looked at Sirius with a dark expression.

“I don't know,” he said. “I don't know who trusts me and who doesn't.”

“You're delirious,” Sirius replied.

“M'not,” Remus said, stifling a yawn. His voice was barely above a whisper from all the talking.

“Do you want to sleep again?” Sirius asked. “You need it.”

Remus shook his head.

“I don't know if I could. And my head is so congested, I think laying down will make it explode.”

Sirius scooted up the bed until he was sitting beside Remus, leaning back against the headboard.

“C'mere,” he beckoned, patting the spot in front of him.

“What?” Remus asked.

“Just trust me, Moony,” Sirius said. “It'll help.”

He stretched his legs out and guided Remus to sit between them, leaning back against Sirius' chest. Guiding Remus' head back to loll against his shoulder, Sirius reached up and slid his fingers gently along Remus' sinuses, tracing paths beneath his eyes and across his forehead in long, soothing strokes. Remus' whimpered a little at first with the pressure but was soon relaxing against Sirius' body, letting himself go limp.

“Sirius,” he muttered after a few moments, his voice sleepy and hoarse.

“Shh,” Sirius urged. “Just relax.”

“No, Sirius,” Remus replied, more insistent. His chest began to tremble with rapid shivers of breath and Sirius felt the man's eyebrows furrow beneath his touch.

“Oh,” Sirius said, realizing what was about to happen. He released his grip on Remus in time for the man to pitch forward, sneezing openly.

Hurh'tsSGHHHH!

Remus moaned and covered his nose with his arm, gasping for air as another sneeze built....

Hehh....hehh-TSGHTTT!

He waited with his nose tucked behind the shield of his arm for several seconds before falling back into Sirius' waiting arms.

“Do you need a handkerchief?” Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head and sniffled with a thick snort.

“Nothing's moving,” he moaned, shutting his eyes and letting Sirius go back to work massaging his swollen sinuses.

“Maybe some hot compresses would help,” Sirius suggested.

Remus shrugged.

“I don't know. What you're doing is helping a bit,” he said. Sirius continued his work, gradually working back to massage Remus' scalp and temples. Before long, Remus was asleep, snoring loudly as he lay reclined against Sirius' chest.

Sirius pushed back Remus' fringe and felt his brow, relieved to discover it relatively cool. Whatever potions Madame Pomfrey had given him seemed to be at work.

“C'mon then,” he said, gently lifting Remus' head and guiding him down into a stack of pillows, keeping him propped up enough to breathe. Remus stirred a little but didn't wake.

Sirius lay down alongside his friend, watching Remus intently as he slept. Suddenly, spending hours in a ditch staking out Death Eater haunts didn't seem so terrible compared to a week in rural Wales with a pack of werewolves. They'd have to compare notes on that later.

#Dustyfic

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ajokeformur-ray · 7 years

Text

Pt.2 Poly!RemusxSiriusxJamesxYou

Co-written with @80s-addict - TW FOR NSFW AHEAD! My writing is normal and her’s is italicised.

- Sirius and you do each other's hair

- James absolutely will not let anyone near his hair (Unless of course, one of you is tugging on it and moaning)

- Remus doesn't really mind bc he's not overly concerned about it but appreciates the attention

Siriusly you and Sirius will sit for HOURS and brush/braid each other's hair. Sometimes you'll sit on the floor, others on your bed, kissing and talking and listening to your favorite muggle bands all the while.

- Sometimes you both get so relaxed you just end up falling asleep, Sirius' head in your lap or yours in his chest, arms wrapped around each other and legs tangled, snoring (you'd never admit to it though), with beautifully intricate braids and flowers woven into them.

- Remus and James roll their eyes at their dorks but oh my God you're so cute they can't stay annoyed and *click* whoops "Turn the flash off you dolt!" "Sorry" You and Sirius wake up in each other's arms with enchanting hair and the sound of your husbands bickering and smile at each other and decide to go back to sleep. "AW, THEY'RE SO CUTE MOONY!" "SSHHHUT UP, PRONGS" *thwack* You and Sirius peep an eye open and share a light laugh as the two continue to argue as they leave you to sleep

- You are always wearing someone's shirt

- Like always

- It's rare if you don't (unless you're going out)

- And when you don't Sirius pouts Like straight up this grown-ass man is sticking out his lower lip and giving you the puppy dog eyes because you're not wearing one of his shirts

- And you turn to the other two but James is also pouting (not as much as Sirius, but it's still a lot)

- Exasperated, you turn to Remus, ever the voice of reason, but even HE is pouting at you!

- "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, IT'S LAUNDRY DAY!" All 3: "But Y/N!" "Ugh, FINE. *Under breath, but with a small smile* Children." You march back upstairs, angrily throw off your shirt and blindly reach around the closet before you find something in the back.

- You throw it on and head downstairs. "Better now?" They're all staring at you, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. "What?" James: "M-Moons? Cancel our dinner reservations." "Why?" Sirius: "Y/N, did you look at yourself?" "No...?" James: "You-YOU'RE WEARING MY BUTTON UP. YOU LOOK SO HOT. IT HURTS." Sirius: "Smooth, Prongs." James: "Did you SEE her??!" Remus: "I'm with James on this one...Y/N you do look very attractive in James' shirt." Sirius: "C'mere, Sweetheart."

- ...you don't make it to dinner. Or the movie. Or the reshowing of the movie. ...or breakfast.

- When any of you is upset, the other 3 know

- They just know

- And it's a day filled with gentle reminders, soft touches, chastise kisses, and small smiles

- You'll all cuddle around whoever is upset

- And just talk, sleep, or read

- Maybe watch their favorite show

- Comfort snacks, fuzzy blankets, and pillows all around

- The other 3 naming their favorite qualities of whoever is down

- Their personality

- Their talents

- Their intelligence

- Their looks

- Just lots of gentle touches and "I love you"'s and quick kisses to persons perceived "problem areas"

- The night ends with you all a tangled mass on the bed, the person who was the center of the attention now in the center of the cuddles

- And said person maybe

- Just maybe

- Smiles a little and whispers a small "thank you" before falling asleep surrounded by the 3 doofs who will do (and have done) literally //anything// to cheer them up

- The other 3 hearing them bc they were pretending to sleep - no way they were sleeping while their lil bean was upset - and sharing a quick, tired, but relieved smile and blown kisses before passing out from exhaustion

- ((Sometimes slow, sweet love-making is required because one of you is really down on your body. So the other 3 take turns kissing all over and focusing on their favorite parts until the Upset Person starts to believe them))

- One of you getting a wild hair and formulating a plan with the other two one day to pounce Unsuspecting Person with Triple The Head Person is random but always almost dies BC HOW ARE ALL OF THESE FUCKERS SO GOOD AT THIS

- Sometimes it's James when he's been an egotistical shit and needs to be taken down a peg

- Sometimes it's Remus when he's stressed about an upcoming full moon

- Sometimes it's Sirius when he's insecure about himself//his abilities and/or is being a tease (more than usual - it's his natural state, but sometimes he can be a bit much)

- Sometimes it's you when you're stressed about an upcoming event or exam or when you've felt down lately

- Always it's whoever thinks they're not good enough one day or seems to be extremely jealous because "Shut up, we love you, and we're not going anywhere. Now hold still."

- I love the idea that like during your school years you basically lived in the Marauders' dorm

- And like McGongall and even Dumbledore knew

- But never said anything BC they secretly were impressed that you four came up with your situation and seemed to be handling it well

- And maybe were a little jealous bc you all just looked so happy

- So when you graduate Sirius buys a flat

- And over the summer renovates it with you all

- And when you're done he asks you all to move in with him, rent-free because "Your love is enough"

- And just

- There's lots of spare bedrooms bc you all created one really big master suite with a big double king bed

- And just

- You and Remus gushing about your new domestic life James and Sirius watching you and scoffing bc "What dorks" but secretly really loving it too

- You and Sirius arguing over drapes and sheets much to Remus and James' dismay bc according to Remus "Loves, they're both nice. Let's get both!"

- But you insist on the 100% cotton blue gray sheets while Sirius wants the 100% silk dark red sheets and James has had it bc "THEY'RE JUST SHEETS? WHAT DOES IT MATTER? THEY'RE PROBABLY JUST GOING TO GET CUM ON THEM ANYWAY, SO JUST GET A BUNCH OF THE CHEAP ONES."

- Everyone is //shocked// You, Sirius, and Rem all wide-eyed and slack-jawed, staring at James and each other

- James doesn't understand what he did

- You 3 working feverishly to get the rest of the shopping done

- James is pleased but still doesn't know why

- You and Sirius stay at the checkout lane, blushing as a very flustered Remus drags James to the car to "Explain some things" to him

- Before they get out the door Rem pulls Sirius by the shirt collar and says he better get in the express lane and you blush even harder and start furiously loading up the conveyer belt while Sirius scrambles to get his wallet

- You come to the car to find the car windows fogged and James leaned back in the driver's seat, shirt unbuttoned and glasses askew as Remus rises to the passenger seat, smirking and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he pops the trunk for you "Let's get home, yeah?"

- Sirius and you in the backseat and he can't help himself so he starts kissing you and sucking hickeys to your pulse point and you're both teasing each other through your clothes

- Remus and James looking in the rearview mirror Remus raising an eyebrow and smirking James has never driven that fast in his life

- James accidentally saying something sexual while you're all at the store

- He doesn't realize what he said was sexual

- Sirius, you and Remus getting flustered and hurting the trip along

- Which pleases James even though he's not sure what got you all moving so quickly bc he hates stopping with a firey passion

- One of you trying to explain to him and getting too flustered

- The least flustered pulls him close and whispers an explanation

- The donning look of realization on his face

- Followed by a shit-eating grin

- Two of you left to finish checking out while the other drags James to the car to get started

- This happening a //lot// At first you think he genuinely doesn't know what he's doing (which is true) but after the 10th or so time, you start to catch on bc he's become increasingly detailed with his outbursts

- You 3 continuing on as if you don't know

- Because it's so much fun

- And sometimes you like to get him back

- By flipping the script on him

- Which he also catches on to

- But does not stop

- Because you're all risk takers and it leads to some of the best sex ever

- Without fail

- Those poor car seats

- Those poor cheap sheets

- The entire school knows you're dating but no one makes a big deal out of it. It just Happened one day and the four of you never look back.

- No one dares to say anything bad about it though because everyone fears the Marauders - you anger one, you anger them ALL and then no one is safe.

- Not even the teachers.

- Borrowing each other's clothes so often that James straight up rips out all the name labels

- Not letting them curse the other students just because they can

- Having a similar speech pattern

- Inside jokes

-Inside jokes of inside jokes

- If one offends the other, the Offensive One will publicly grovel to make the others laugh and get the Offended One to forgive them

- PDA is only A Thing if the goal is to make someone jealous

- You’re all considered to be married to each other

- You have necklaces that are similar and look like part of a set

-James’ parents charmed them with protective spells

- You can say something into the necklaces and everyone will hear it like they’re wearing headphones

- Howlers proclaiming your love

- Howler marriage proposals

- Feeding each other breakfast items

- ‘Accidentally’ dropping beans down Remus’ front

- “Oops. Guess you gotta wear a different shirt now”

- Being sad when Remus is having none of your shit and simply casts a cleaning spell on his shirt

- Sirius rocking a man bun and James sulking because instead of growing out, his hair grows up

- Remus remarking, “You should take a leaf out of your hair’s book, James” when James mentions it

- Remus being so sassy you can’t eat when you know he’s going to say something.

- Remus knows this and takes full advantage

- The boys making you flustered all the time

- Being very protective of each other

-The boys will shield you if someone insults you

- Like, a literal circle

- When one argues, you all argue

- You and Remus are mediators as Sirius and James are the worst offenders when it comes to unleashing their tempers

- Remus does no harm but takes no shit, most especially from, for or to his three loves.

- It’s an unconventional but very loving, nurturing, protective and explorative relationship and none of you would change it for anything

Part 1 | Part 3 | Part 4

HP Tags: @bingewatchingmylifegoby @sky-the-llama @chloeolivialuce

#sirius black #remus lupin #james potter #marauders #marauder era #marauders headcanons #ot4 #remus lupin imagine #sirius black imagine #james potter imagine

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halothenthehorns · 3 years

Text

TLTNL- THE DEATH EATERS

Sirius had lived through a lot of crap in his life, some real life shattering moments, but the act of forcing himself to read about the return of Voldemort, when he technically hadn't even fallen yet so they'd never even been allowed to live in that lifespan of peace like Harry had, really was doing something to his psyche as he got started.

Voldemort looked away from Harry and began examining himself. His hands were like large, pale spiders.

Harry almost longed for Sirius or someone trying to crack a joke during all of this, it would make what he was hearing feel even slightly better, his first thought that someone could have made a mention of how Ron would hate Voldemort just for that fact alone, but humor was going to be hard to come by until Harry was out of this danger.

All his other features were as inhuman as well, pale and more serpent like than ever. He took no notice of Wormtail continuing to sob at his feet, still bleeding from his stump.

'As much as he deserves, he's got a fate worse than Quirrell's coming up,' Remus viciously thought to himself.

The large snake from Harry's dreams wasn't given much notice either as it continued slithering across the ground.

Voldemort put one of those unnatural hands into his pocket and came back with a wand, which he caressed with his new fingers.

Lily gathered from that act that this must indeed be Voldemort's own wand, the one with the phoenix core he shared with Harry's. It took a moment for Lily to even push past her disgust at all the cruel things that wand had done to her, James, and what felt like everyone she ever loved, to even try to guess where it had even come from, until she remembered who'd been tending to Voldemort this whole time. Lily couldn't help but wonder for the first time if that rat had possibly made an appearance at their house that fateful Halloween night as well, if he'd come across the body of Voldemort and taken possession of his wand for safe keeping, or perhaps even a level of power, and then hid it away before he went underground as Scabbers. It didn't even seem that far fetched, as he hadn't a wand on him that night he'd been confronted by Sirius and Remus, so he'd held this one as a backup all these years. At the same time as she realized that though, it also meant he would have had to cross James's body, and she hoped in the blackest way possible that had hurt him. To see what he'd cost in deceiving a man who still didn't want to believe the worst in him after everything.

The first act he performed was to point it at Wormtail, who sailed back into the headstone

James held a remarkable look on his face as he heard that, somewhere between demented humor that this was Peter's reward from Voldemort himself, and still some grains of wondering when he'd finally show regret for his decision.

and again crumpled in pain, begging his master to help him, to keep his promise.

Voldemort indeed asked for his arm, but when he held up the stump hopefully, Voldemort pushed that aside and instead tried to snatch the other one. Wormtail again whimpered and pleaded his Master to help him,

Sirius got through that exchange like an executioner reading out the final charges. It really was easier to think of this cretin as some corpse going through these motions rather than someone he'd once put such trust in, put his own life in those hands, one of which was now gone in a willingly given gesture for these actions to be occurring.

but Voldemort ignored this and pushed back the sleeves of his unbloodied sleeve. There Harry spotted something branded into the skin, the same image that had hovered in the sky the night of the World Cup, the Dark Mark.

Voldemort pressed one of his long white fingers into it, and Harry's scar imploded with pain again.

Remus' mind flashed back through all the mentions of Snape and Karkaroff talking about something on their arm, and then to find the same thing now on that foul little rat, it couldn't really be a coincidence. But what was it exactly?

Voldemort straitened with satisfaction, murmuring to himself that now he would know the brave to return,

Lily had not a clue what was going on, what Voldemort was doing, nor where on earth that tattoo had come from. What she did gather was the fact that it seemed to be some sort of calling symbol, and that meant even more bad news was about to arrive.

and those foolish enough to stay away.

Harry was rubbing at his forearm thoughtfully, some lingering thoughts floating just beyond his conscious mind of how he felt about those questions.

Voldemort began pacing across Harry's field of vision, his ruby eyes again falling on the gagged teenager as he informed him that Harry stood upon the bones of his late father. Much like Harry's mother

James had already grown up hating Voldemort through his life, but in that moment where he actually referred to Lily, James wanted to see him dead more than ever. No one got to talk about his wife like that!

both had died but held their uses.

"Uses?" Lily spat in disgust. "I lived trying to protect my son, that's more than he'll ever understand."

Lily Potter had died defending her son,

Sirius would forever hate himself for having to say that, and still having even the slightest bit been involved in that happening, but then he conjured back the image of telling his wasteful parents that their precious Voldemort was in fact a half-blood with parent issues, and it gave him enough breath back to keep going.

and Voldemort had killed his father,

"So it was Voldemort who killed Riddle and his own grandparents," Remus marveled, wondering why he was even shocked. There were some questions in there he was curious about, like why, but this was Voldemort he was thinking about, he'd never really needed much of a reason to kill anybody, especially Muggles, certainly ones he was related too would be eliminated at Voldemort's earliest convenience.

and look how useful he'd been in his death.

Harry rubbed at his forehead a bit at that, there was a significance to what Voldemort had said about a father being useful in death...his eyes flickered to his own and away, he didn't like to think of his dad as dead in any sense even if it might have been helpful to him in his past.

Voldemort gave a soft laugh again as he continued his pacing, that snake still circling in the grass below mimicking his movement.

"I want to know what's with that thing?" James muttered of no one, anything to keep the feeling alive that they were hearing of this in the room rather than having to think about Harry living it. "They were only using its weird venom to keep Voldemort alive, yet he named it didn't he. What's so special about this snake?"

"I'm not really that surprised," Remus shrugged, "Voldemort claims to be the descendant of the Great Salazar Slytherin, I can easily picture him with some snake for a pet now."

"I can't picture him with anything resembling a pet," Lily disagreed, "he doesn't have the capacity to take care of a goldfish."

"We should just be thankful it's whatever this is, and not a basilisk," Sirius muttered.

Harry wasn't that grateful for his dad's comment, that annoying feeling cropping up again of an answer that should have been there. There was indeed something very significant about Nagini he just wasn't remembering.

Voldemort began telling Harry his story, how his own father had lived just over on that hill. His mother had lived in the village and fell in love, but Riddle had abandoned her when he found out what she was, his father hadn't liked magic.

"Oh joy, just what I always wanted, more Voldemort backstory," Sirius groused.

Lily on the other hand couldn't help but picture someone else saying this, someone who was now in Voldemort's ranks himself. Snape had made many of the same comments about his own father from time to time. It never failed to sadden her just how much alike her old friend and Voldemort seemed to be, far more than Snape and her had ever had in common it seemed.

He'd abandoned her while pregnant and not looked back, and she'd died giving birth to him, leaving him in an orphanage with the foul name of Tom Riddle, of the very same man who he now vowed revenge on.

Remus shook his head in disgust the longer this dragged on. "While no one's arguing the guy's an arse for trying to abandon his kid, I'm still struggling to wrap my head around how this turned him into the greatest evil in our world. And now I'm even wondering why he was named after his father, did the orphanage find out about that name through the mother before she died and gave it to him, because it's not like that Riddle seemed to have a say in it."

"You are reading far too much into this," Sirius sighed. "Just hate him and start plotting ways to stop this from happening like the rest of us."

Voldemort seemed to catch himself as he realized he was becoming sentimental,

"There's one thing I don't think anyone in the world's ever called that megalomaniac," James rolled his eyes.

recounting his life story for Potter, but now his real family was arriving.

Sirius sneered at the word family, absolutely convinced that Voldemort had no clue what that meant any more than the pathetic rat he employed.

The air was filled with the swishing of cloaks in long black attire and all faces covered as they Apparated as one. For a moment none moved, frozen in shock, until one finally shuffled forward, and flung itself at Voldemort's feet, kissing the hem of his robes.

Remus was flickering through all the known Death Eaters he'd heard about, and any one of them were considered so full of themselves it really was laughable whichever one it was groveling like that, making it all the more unbelievable they bowed to anyone, even Voldemort.

Soon they were all doing it, until Voldemort waved his hands that was enough, and then they all backed away and formed a circle around them with some noticeable gaps. Leaving Voldemort and Harry in the center, and a sobbing Wormtail still curled on the ground.

James wanted to ask Harry exactly how many there were, but he was honestly already faint at the idea of just how outnumbered his son was. The question had only occurred to him because he was pissed of how many free Death Eaters were out there. They'd known of some numbers, but this felt ridiculous that the Ministry hadn't been able to get so many of Voldemort's inner circle.

Voldemort didn't seem to be expecting anymore, as he began addressing them all by reminding them of how long it had been. Thirteen years, and they came to his call as if nothing had changed, still united.

Then he inhaled deeply, those blood-red eyes taking in all those around him as he stated he smelt their guilt.

Sirius had the mad desire to laugh. The way Voldemort was speaking to them, it all felt as theatrical as possible. He'd had a sense back when he'd been dealing with that odd diary that Voldemort had a grandiose idea of himself, but to be speaking like this really did just put a spin on how ridiculous the man sounded.

Voldemort stood before these men, healthy and free, and Voldemort asked himself why none before him had aided their master before this night.

Remus made a thrumming noise in his throat of deep curiosity as well, while not in the same light as Voldemort he did wonder the same. Like Sirius, he did wonder what exactly drew these people to Voldemort, if it was all to gain a bit of power than they should have been actively looking for the man who could give that back to them. Yet it had been a rat to find him and make this possible. This either meant he wasn't hard to find by Death Eater standards, or more likely since Dumbledore hadn't been able to find this husk, the rat had simply been the dedicated one to figure it out. His thoughts went back to that Pensive, of that deranged woman screaming about how Voldemort would reward her for being so loyal, and he was starting to wonder if in her own twisted way she'd been right. Voldemort was surely ticked at all of these that had been free and not spent every waking hour before now to make this moment happen.

No one spoke. No one moved except Wormtail, who was upon the ground, still sobbing over his bleeding arm.

Every time that was mentioned Sirius somehow still managed to add an extra layer of menace into his voice, even listening to all this Voldemort crap he still managed to somehow hate this most of all.

Voldemort answered his own question, how his followers had believed him broken and gone. They'd slipped back to society pleading ignorance and bewitchment.

"I'd make a joke about how talking to himself has made him go as mad as Crouch has, but I guess we already knew that ship has sailed," James huffed.

"There's still a chance he's gone even more up the ladder," Lily reminded, "getting blasted out of your body most likely does something to your mental health as well."

"I'm so sure Voldemort cares deeply about this," Remus rolled his eyes at the pair even if he did manage a smile, they're comments really did seem to be helping Harry as a constant reminder that they were here for him.

He returned by asking himself why they would believe such a thing? When he'd shown them all the steps he'd taken to defeat mortality.

Sirius narrowed his eyes curiously at that, hoping that if this monologuing was going to continue, at least Voldemort could go into details about this part. Sirius wanted to know what exactly those steps were, they'd clearly been the thing to keep him alive against a rebounding Killing Curse.

They'd seen his proof of becoming mightier than any alive being.

"I can not get over how full of himself he is," Lily shook her head with a twist of her lips. "I'm now grateful that in the times where he's fought our side he's never tried to monologue during it."

"Though if he had, we'd have this problem nipped by now," James pointed out, "so maybe that's how we get rid of this guy, try to get him talking about himself."

"I'll make a list of conversation starters," Sirius rolled his eyes at the pair.

He again answered himself that his loyal followers could have perhaps traded allegiance to that of their enemy, Dumbledore.

His circle shivered as one, some even murmured this not to be true, but still they were ignored as Voldemort continued speaking to himself about how disappointed he was.

"First bit of good news I've heard all night," Remus grumbled.

"Wish he'd stay that way," Sirius agreed.

One man collapsed to his knees again, begging his Master to forgive them, forgive them all.

Voldemort's response was to use Crucio on him.

The Death Eater writhed on the ground, shreking in agony, while Harry was left silently begging for someone nearby to have heard.

Lily's arm kept tightening around her baby all the time, sure she'd never gripped anything so tight in her life to assure herself Harry was right here beside her now, not being forced to live through this again any more than he had to. Pity didn't quite define what she felt for her baby. She completely understood his desperate desire for help to arrive, but she had no doubts that not a soul actually knew where he was, and no Muggle could do a thing for him.

Voldemort lifted his curse, and commanded Avery to get back to his feet. Voldemort would not be forgiving anyone until they repaid their thirteen years of service owed.

"I'm hoping you won't live past the next thirteen minutes," Sirius snapped, "so Avery's not going to get his chance."

Another high pitched sob drew Voldemort's attention back to Wormtail, admitting to himself that at least this one had already started on that path. Reminding him that he deserved this pain-

James was trembling, whether in rage or despair no one was sure, for that being so irrevocably true and he still wanted more than anything for it to not be.

to which Wormtail moaned in agreement even while still begging his Master to help him.

Remus was starting to get concerned about letting Sirius continue like this, it just couldn't be good for his health, or throat, to keep reading about that in the most violent way possible, but as it was the only release Sirius could find instead of murdering that rat like he deserved, Remus wasn't going to be the one to stop him.

Voldemort nodded to himself, saying that while worthless, Wormtail had been of service, and Voldemort rewarded that.

Lily already realized that rat had broken her list of people who needed to be purged from her life, but now every time she was forced to see the reaction it gave James it was still somehow made worse every time.

Voldemort gave another flick of his wand, and something silver materialized in the air, which sunk down to Wormtail's level and developed into a fist over his stump. His sobbing finally ceasing, Wormtail sat up and inspected the now gleaming metal, flexing his fingers in surprise.*

The fact that he was actually being rewarded really did somehow feel like the worst part. Like their friendship, this family, all the times they'd shared over the past years of their life hadn't been enough for him, and he'd gone crawling to everything they'd ever stood against, and somehow he actually still hadn't shown an ounce of remorse for his choice.

He remained on the ground for a moment longer as he began kissing the hem of his Master's robes, thanking him for such a thing.

Sirius didn't care how long he lived, that image would forever be branded into his brain and he couldn't ever peel it away no matter how much it hurt, how much he still didn't want it to be true and still wanted to end his life before any of this could begin.

Voldemort told Wormtail that this was a sign Wormtail would never again question his loyalties, to which was instantly agreed.

For some reason something of what Dumbledore had once said tried to come floating back to the surface of Harry's mind, something about how Harry actually would one day be thankful that Wormtail was so heavily involved in all of this. Harry believed that now more than ever as he heard about this hand.

Wormtail finally got to his feet and entered the circle, while Voldemort began addressing more individuals, starting with Lucius.

"Wow, so we were right, Malfoy is part of the inner circle," Lily huffed, her own mind still distracted, caught on the never ending realization they'd all been suffering through that one of their own was now a part of the same thing.

Voldemort began with reproach, asking how someone who had made it so high in the Ministry's rankings had never come to his Lord's aid.

Malfoy swore he'd always kept a watchful ear out, if ever he'd heard the slightest sound of his Master's return he would have been there-

"Is it wrong to say I'm actually enjoying listening to him beg like this," Sirius got out through gritted teeth, the opposite of looking like he was enjoying any part of this.

Nobody responded, they weren't entirely sure how much of a joke that was supposed to be, as well as Sirius could find his own pleasure in whatever he needed right now anyways so they wouldn't tell him off for it regardless.

Voldemort cut him off by reminding he'd fled when the Mark had been cast in the sky.

Mr. Malfoy instantly stopped his speech.

"I can not get over the fact that Harry's referring to him as Mr. Malfoy," Remus directed at Lily, hoping the friendly reminder of when Harry had first met Hagrid would make even one slight worry line disappear from her face.

Voldemort told how disappointed he was in this, and expected more faithful service in the future.

Harry wondered why he thought he should have a feeling about that, some sense of something telling him the Malfoy line and Voldemort's service could hold something to him...

Voldemort moved on from him then, where a double space could have housed two people. Voldemort stared as if he still saw them there, murmuring to himself about the Lestranges.

Sirius' hard face managed to give an extra spasm of hatred at the reminder of his family. He already knew what had become of one of his cousins, Narcissa had married a Malfoy and he was honestly surprised she hadn't been mentioned right along with Lucius, and he'd heard rumors of what Bellatrix had become, if he wasn't mistaken this was in fact her new last name. Only Andromeda had made anything good of herself, at least he hoped she'd stayed that way in all these years.

He knew of their life in Azkaban, how they were there because they had not renounced their ways, and Voldemort swore when Azkaban was broken they would be honored for this.

Remus shook his head in disgust, thinking back to that Pensive and that woman who had believed this same thing. Guess she had been right, though with any luck she was long dead, it would certainly serve her right. They had no confirmation if Crouch's son had been involved in what happened to the Longbottoms, but she certainly hadn't done a thing to make it seem she hadn't otherwise, so Azkaban was a rightful resting place for a wretched being like that.

Then he mentioned how easy this would be with the dementors joining their side,

"I believe that," James shivered, "Dumbledore's always said it's a miracle they haven't deserted us already, the majority of them have. I keep hearing fewer numbers are keeping their prison in check all the time."

"Well we need a new prison anyways," Lily snapped, "so good riddance to them."

as well as the giants and all manner of dark creatures.

Remus gave a particularly vicious shiver at that, it really wasn't his favorite job he now had to be helping keeping tabs on a select group of those fearsome monsters, he among them.

Voldemort moved on to face Macnair, speaking of his job in the Ministry as a beast executioner.

Sirius had an individual hatred for that loon, the one who'd tried to kill Buckbeak, the same creep who'd walked around with an axe the whole time around children. It really didn't surprise him in the slightest he was among these high ranking, he was the kind you had probably found burning live kittens in his youth.

Next he addressed Crabbe and Goyle, only sparing enough words to gain their promises of further loyalty.

"Wow, and here I thought their kids were just meat suites without brains," James said nastily. "Turns out they're as trollish as their own dad's."

Lily hummed without comment that time, etching all of these into her own mental list, some of the worry for her son finally lessening just slightly enough she was realizing how useful all this information could be to the Order, they were getting a handpicked list of the elite after all, many of which were indeed still active in the Ministry now. She'd worry about details on how to nail them all after Harry was out of there, she'd still rather have the ignorance of not knowing than how she was learning this.

They bowed clumsily, muttering dully.

"That about describes everything they do," Sirius snarked.

After Nott was next named, Voldemort stopped in front of the largest gap, where he claimed six should stand. Three had died, one was clearly too cowardly to return, and another had long since left his service and would pay with his life. The last of which Voldemort already knew of and still remained his faithful servant.

"That was mentioned once before too wasn't it?" Lily muttered to herself. "Someone faithful who'd been helping him out along with- the first one we heard about." Her throat wasn't quite able to swallow all of a sudden it was so dry, and she trailed off from there with nothing more to add on. The one name Voldemort hadn't given, the one they really wanted to know.

Remus was keeping his own running list in his head, and realized that at least two of those most likely referred to Karkaroff and Snape, though he had no clue who was who. He didn't really think that was giving them too much credit anymore, not the way they'd been speaking all year about something like this happening. All he was left wondering who the third was. Could it be one of those two who were his most faithful and had been helping him out as well, or someone else altogether they hadn't even heard about yet.

Voldemort informed those around him his faithful servant was at Hogwarts, and was the reason they were all here tonight.

James made a demented noise. He somehow had found a new level for hate on either Karkaroff or Snape. His money was on Snape, but since it really had been either of them to put his son in there, they were going to suffer for it in the worst way he could conceive.

All attention was turned back on Harry now, some would even call him their guest of honor.

"Well I'm certainly not that some, and you need to not ever say that again," Lily snapped to no one, knowing she couldn't stand Voldemort taunting Harry being there much longer without blasting down a wall of her house in anger.

Voldemort let the silence continue until Malfoy spoke up again, craving his Lord to tell how this miracle had become.

Voldemort agreed he'd share the tale, which all began, and ended, with Harry Potter.

Aside from the abundance of information regarding names they were being force fed from his meeting, James wondered if he'd get something even more important to him. Would Voldemort finally divulge the very reason he'd started with his boy in the first place?

He began by recounting this boy as his downfall, all the while Harry was only just managing to follow along every word with his scar in agony.

Lily was mouthing her anger that on top of all this Harry was in fact in pain this whole time, if being in close contact to the essence of Voldemort had hurt Harry, then she could only imagine how that had increased with his own body. Her only saving grace for now was that it wasn't happening to him now, he still kept himself still as possible, one hand curled securely around her, the other hooked into James. James had been randomly patting it this whole time as a reminder to himself as well, thankful beyond words their infant had never been brought back down to be any part of this.

Stating the fabled tale of how his mother had died to save him,

Lily's touch seemed to warm Harry all the more. Not that he'd ever forget that for a moment in his life, nor ever be able to find happiness in the act of her life being cost, but there was still something he could never put into words of the magic of the act that went beyond any spell.

and how she'd unwittingly given him life that night, something that had not been foreseen. Voldemort could not touch him.

Remus was starting to get a bad feeling about this, his fingers already tightening around his wand as he remembered the last time Voldemort had tried to act on that and had nearly choked Harry to death. Why was Voldemort even keeping Harry alive now? He'd played his part in the resurrection potion, was it all really for gloating now?

Voldemort raised one of his long white fingers and put it very close to Harry's cheek.

Harry had to beat back the impulse to lean away from those touching him now, that horrible ingrained pain still trying to remind him it had once existed in his scar, soon to be even worse though he wouldn't have believed that possible.

Voldemort whispered and still all heard that the sacrifice of old magic had been overlooked,

"You make that mistake a lot," Sirius snapped cheerfully, "and it's put a hole in your boat so many times I hope it never stops."

"Sirius, I don't think that's actually a saying," James sighed more than joked back.

"Well it is now," Sirius replied like that was obvious, and for a moment as the two best friends met eyes something felt normal even for just that second before Sirius forced himself to resume.

but in the end, all in vain. Harry Potter could now be touched.

He placed the tip of his finger against Harry's scar, who screamed harder than he had in his life, now convinced his head was being cleaved in two.

Voldemort hissed a laugh in his ear, but pulled away to continue.

"Wha-How!?" Lily screeched, her arm starting to shake across Harry's shoulders. The thing she'd been able to leave him with, a sliver of protection she'd lost her life for, and now even that was gone. She felt like a failure as a mother, nothing she'd ever done had been enough for him.

Lily looked as likely to burst into tears of frustration as murder someone in that moment, so Remus felt like he was poking his own death as he reminded, "the potion that resurrected him Lily. He used Harry's blood, that makes them as connected as their wands now." He'd thought the others had realized this, it made sense when you went back and realized why Voldemort had wanted to use only Harry for this when that rat had been right, it would have been easier to get a hold of another other than Harry for this.

Apparently not as the others lost an extra shade of color, all false bravado of pretending this was okay falling out the window. Stupidly, Harry had felt a teensy bit safer with at least the knowledge Voldemort couldn't lay a hand on Harry, now even that was taken from them!

Sirius was looking from the book, to each of them in turn, like he was waiting for someone to actually offer some good news, something that would make this bearable for him to keep going. No one was, that ship had long sailed, and instead Sirius just wanted this chapter to end with Harry getting out of this place already.

His fault had been his downfall, and he was stripped from his body with pain he could not begin to describe. Still he did not despair, as some of the measures he'd taken for immortality had seemed to take effect, but not in the way he'd hoped. He had no body, and no way to use a wand,

James could feel the powder he was grinding his teeth to in frustration. In all this talking and posturing and making his life a living hell, Voldemort was still holding back on the important details, like an example of those bleeding experiments so they could make sure this didn't happen when James removed this snake's head!

so he'd been forced to exist in that state of being as he snuck away to a safe forest he knew of, waiting in vain for the help he should have expected from one of his loyal followers.

Those around him all shivered again in fear, and Voldemort let the silence linger for emphasis before continuing.

"If only he'd kill them all and save us the job," Sirius snarled.

The only temporary solace he'd found was when a young, foolish wizard had found him, and in luck's favor, had even been employed in Dumbledore's very school.

"What do I have to pay this guy to make him stop already," James moaned. He was sick with worry every passing moment Harry was there a second longer, and now they were having to hear about all of this stuff again they'd already had to live through. Harry didn't need this in his life repeated a third time, it had already nearly killed him the first two!

His goal had been the Philosopher's Stone, but again he'd been thwarted by Harry Potter.

"Did we ever congratulate you for doing that?" Remus sighed as he tried to usher back to a time where Voldemort popping out of Quirrell's head was the worst part of their day.

He didn't know what kind of answer he was expecting, but Harry not answering wasn't an encouraging one. He was still acting distant to the world around him. This night in the graveyard, what he'd already witnessed happening to Cedric, it was enough to drive anyone mad the first time around, now he was being forced to hear it all again. The one and only thing that seemed to be keeping him here was whatever response he got from his parents.

That struggle had ended with the death of Quirrell, and he was left as weak as ever.

"Please don't tell me he's going to start recounting your second year as well," Sirius groaned.

"That's actually an interesting question of if he even knows," Remus reminded. "We never even understood how a bit of his soul got into that diary, and Harry killed it with the basilisk fang. I can't imagine why Voldemort would know anything about it, considering it was aged so many years before the body he's in now, so the most he'd say was a passing comment about Harry doing that when he felt a bit of his soul die." Remus kind of wanted to keep going, that old intriguing question of what exactly would be happening if that Voldemort soul part had succeeded and come back to life. Would it have merged with the rest of this body, or stayed two separate entities? He was clearly the only one thinking on this, and knew the others were long since done with this whole night and wanted it to be over. Remus didn't even really care for finding answers to this, it was just easier to postulate ridiculous ideas like this than have to keep thinking of Harry tied to a headstone.

Voldemort had returned to his hiding, giving up hope.

James released a torrent of sounds as he begged this to end there no matter how much he knew otherwise. The next part, the bit where he had indeed gotten exactly what he wanted, was still the worst part of all.

Even he hadn't expected the change to come, when Wormtail had been driven out of hiding by once friends and forced to seek out his old Master.

Harry again felt the burn of Trelawney's prophecy tormenting his life, now complete and in the flesh. What he would give to go and take back his part in this coming true.

This had been accomplished through his curious affinity with rats.

"One that he thankfully can't retain in death, so look for some silver lining," Lily hissed under her breath.

The rodents had whispered of the forests of Albania where their kind sensed evil, and Wormtail had made his way there. All had almost been lost before it even begun, as Wormtail stumbled into Bertha Jorkins. Showing a spot of intelligence none would have guessed from him, Wormtail had continued to work this in his favor and a wealth of information was born from that woman.

Sirius hated himself for somehow still finding new ways to despise that miserable bit of existence. He just wanted to have him dead already and be done with that part of his life, this continuing to be dragged out always managed to find new ways of torturing him along.

Through persuasion, she'd told of the Triwizard Tournament, and even after a Memory Charm had been broken, divulged of a faithful Death Eater willing to go to Voldemort's service. Once she'd shared all she knew, her mind and body were damaged beyond repair.

Harry couldn't even imagine what Bertha's last few moments of life had been like, but he could understand a small bit of her pain. He felt it every time a powerful memory was returned to his own mind after some kind of Memory blocking had been put on him. He was going slow, relearning this bit by bit, and he still felt like it was slowly driving him mad. He couldn't imagine someone being forced to have it all come back at once, that really would drive a person out of their own skull.

Remus shook his head in disgust at himself, this was all so clear in hindsight. Bertha had worked in the Department of Magical Cooperation, and would have known about the Tournament before hand like every other employee there. When Voldemort had previously mentioned how useful her information had been, that had been what helped put this whole plan into action. The reason her memory had gone from so good in the way they remembered to this way was because she'd had a Memory Charm placed on her, and then broken in the worst way. Now the only thing he was left wondering was who was the servant that had executed that plan, and who'd placed it on her in the first place, what had been hidden that revolved that secret?

Voldemort shown his scarlet eyes on Wormtail, admitting his own shock at such an ill adapted wizard accomplishing all that.

A distant part of James absently noted how even Voldemort kept downplaying Peter's skills when they'd been the very things to get Voldemort where he was now. It seemed everyone constantly mocked and laughed at him, and yet the Marauders never had, but instead encouraged and helped along what he was good at. What had they done so wrong that had forced their friend away?

A plan had been formed from Bertha's information, and while Voldemort had been nursed back to health using Nagini's venom, the potion was being prepared that gave Voldemort the body he now possessed. They had the first ingredient of unicorns blood, but still needed the rest. The flesh had been provided, the bone would detail the setup of where this would happen.

Lily hadn't believed she could be any more shocked tonight, but still she managed to utter in surprise, "so, his Death Eaters know he's not a pureblood?"

"I, um, guess they do," James wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel about that, but he knew at some point in the future when he sadly would go back thinking to this he'd be disappointed. They'd been planning to spread this information around, hopefully discredit Voldemort's top people in hopes they'd desert him, and now that plan seemed as useless as anything else they'd ever tried to do.

The blood of the foe had been the tricky part. Wormtail had been happy to use anyone, but Voldemort knew the one he must have. To share Harry Potter's blood, so that the lingering magical protection would now be in his own veins.

Lily looked beyond disgusted at the idea. She'd thought it repulsive to share anything with Petunia, but this was just as bad! How dare the very thing that kept trying to hurt her son somehow manage to house his very protection!

The boys were suddenly aware of a way to kill Voldemort, release Lily on him. She looked so fearsome in that moment if she'd actually had her target present, not even a puddle would be left of him.

The question of how to reach Harry Potter was the issue, as the boy was so well protected in ways Dumbledore had planned from the moment this started.

That question made something occur to Remus for the first time, but it was such a small thing making a blip in his mind as compared to the other more pressing matters he knew he couldn't be bothered to question that until he had the much better knowledge of hearing Harry be free of this nightmare.

Ancient magic was invoked to ensure the boy's protection as long as he was in his relations' care.

James' brain felt like a broken record, all he'd been managing to due for ages now was utter, "wait, what?" Always feeling one step behind now.

Lily's face squinched up in pain as she processed this, muttering, "I've never heard of that."

"I can believe it though," Remus said sourly. "It doesn't excuse what Dumbledore did in even the slightest bit in not checking in on Harry with those abusive excuse for people, but it still always blew my mind of why he'd been put there in the first place when neither of you ever even mentioned Petunia's existence."

Sirius wished that at any time Harry had ever demanded of Dumbledore why he had to keep going back there, if Dumbledore would really use the excuse Harry was safer there than out because of some protective magic. No magic was infallible, and safe was the last thing Harry was at the hands of those Dursleys.

Harry watched them all with fascination, surprised he'd finally been dragged out the recesses of his mind to focus in on them muttering about the Dursleys again. He supposed if there was someone to rival their hatred of Voldemort and Wormtail, it was Vernon and Petunia, not that this was at all comforting. Harry at once wanted to sink back into not having to listen to anymore words, if he kept trying to understand past that to those around him he was going to suffer even more pain for the realization he was living through all of this because the scene around him would never happen in his own time. Sadly, now that he'd been snapped out, he couldn't find the distance to go back.

Then there had been the Quidditch Cup, where his body had still been too weak to attempt a kidnap around so many, but then more of Bertha's information had been of use. Voldemort had placed his faithful Death Eater at Hogwarts, who'd ensured Harry's name would be placed in the Goblet of Fire.

"Holy Godric Gryffindor!" Sirius yelped.

"We are complete morons," James gasped as that was slapped into his face.

"This whole bleeding time, we were thinking they were actually two unrelated- Merlin's pants are we something stupid," Remus snarled as he nearly ripped the sleeve of his robe off he was pulling on it so hard in agitation.

That one really should have clicked together when Harry had appeared here, but in between Cedric dying and the appearance of that rat, it had been hard to think past anything else. Now they realized that in fact, this whole year had been one big set up to this end, and they all felt like fools for not grasping this sooner.

Harry wasn't going to let them wallow in their misery for long, failing to come up with an encouraging smile in his search for something to say, but still getting out, "if it makes you all feel any better, no one else figured this out either. Really, how could anyone have known that Voldemort's ultimate plan was for me to win some competition."

Lily supposed when he put it that way it did sound ridiculous, but it still didn't erase how bleeding frustrating it always was to find themselves lost amongst all these plans around Harry until it was too late. Still she forced some chipper into her voice as she agreed with him, if anything just because it was the first time he'd spoken in ages and she wanted to encourage that as much as possible.

Sirius forced himself to keep going at this point just because he saw an end in sight of this chapter.

His faithful Death Eater had ensured Potter's first place, and transformed the Triwizard Cup into a Portkey so that they could all be here now, far from Dumbledore's protection.

None of that was helping narrow out their two suspects, both had access to all of that.

Now here he was at their mercy, the one who everyone believed to be Voldemort's downfall.

"And will be again, and again, and again, until you learn to stay the hell away from him," James snarled, his own arm tightening around his wife and son possessively which would stay that way until Voldemort was gone.

Voldemort moved slowly forward and turned to face Harry. He raised his wand,

Harry recognized what was coming a moment before he watched Sirius utter that spell.

and used Crucio.

When the memory of that pain surged in his mind, but didn't actually make a comeback on him, Harry forced himself to slowly relax back into his parents grip, trying to insist upon his brain that wasn't happening to him now, but it helped nothing when he couldn't convince himself this still wasn't the most painful part of his night.

This was pain beyond anything imaginable, his eyes were rolling in his head, he knew the only relief he'd ever feel again was the blackness of death.

Sirius felt tears stinging at the edge of his vision as he forced himself to read of that happening to his pup. He could hardly imagine the idea without wanting to throw himself in front of Harry now. The infant in the crib, the fourteen year old suffering through this for the first time alone and helpless, or even the adult now cushioned between his parents. Absolutely none of it could ever be comprehended in any way other than the worst torture in the world to imagine that happening to Harry.

It stopped as suddenly as it started, and if Harry hadn't been bound in place, there was no way he'd be upright.

Voldemort looked pleased as the night rang with laughter from his followers.

Whatever the opposite of laughter was, Remus could hear himself making that, but forcing himself to do it as privately as he could, he didn't want Sirius to stop now, he was to desperate to hear of the something else, anything else happening than Harry torture until he got out of there which wasn't happening soon enough.

Still, Voldemort swore that while it would be easy to dispose of this child, he wanted no one in doubt of his own true power. Harry Potter would be killed now, with no Dumbledore protection, and no mother to die for him.

There was not a shadow of a doubt in anyone's mind that Lily would make that call over and over again, but it didn't explain why something came over Harry's expression when he heard that. In fact Harry had looked the same way every time one of his parents had come up for a while now, what was it about this night that had him feeling so much for the two. Was it possible Voldemort would start taunting their last moments again, Harry had looked much like he was now when that had happened before.

Instead, Harry Potter was to be released, and handed back his wand.

"That was the stupidest thing he could have done," Remus sneered, "as I finally figured out the way you're going to get out of there, putting Voldemort in his place."

"I think you lot have far too much faith in me," Harry whispered, still keeping a tight hand on each of his parents. "No, whatever did save me from that place, it wasn't my doing, it was Voldemort's own fault, again."

"Well whatever the case, let's be done with it," Sirius pleaded, of whom even he wasn't sure.

HPHPHPHP

*Did anyone else first read this moment and think, 'oh my god he's going to kill Remus!' I mean, I'm happy I was wrong, but come on, the silver hand, he'd already been a hand in killing one Marauder and trying to kill another, (yes I consider leaving Sirius when he did was as good as a death sentence.) Remus was the only one he hadn't personally had a chance at yet...

#The Life that Never Lived #Harry Potter #HP #fanfiction #reading the books #GoF #Marauders #James Potter #Remus Lupin #Sirius Black #Lily Potter

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