#remus resents being called a mutt

[marauderstars]

James calling Remus and Sirius “filthy mutts” every time they kiss holds a very special place in my heart.

[flirtingwitharson]

drunk remus plz

contrary to popular belief, I haven’t died, just am trying to find time and motivation you mega nerds

Remus Lupin wasn’t exactly one to get drunk. It was honestly difficult to get him even bordering on inebriated, considering his metabolism was extraordinarily quick, what with his lycanthropy and everything. It took some rather strong whiskey and arseloads of convincing to make it happen, really. Luckily enough, in all matters concerning whiskey and Remus Lupin, Sirius Black was very, very gifted.

“Remus John Lupin, you are not bailing on your own fucking birthday party,” Sirius scoffed, strolling dramatically into the common room and simultaneously scaring off children in younger years with the stomping of his heavy boots. “A little birdie called James let loose that you said to him that you ‘weren’t really feeling it this year’, or whatever bullshit excuse you gave. Not feeling it, my arse.”

Giving a world weary sigh–having only picked up just a hint of Sirius’ dramatic tendencies over the years–Remus uncrossed his legs and gently placed his bookmark inside his novel, preparing himself for the skirmish Sirius was surely about to stage. “You’re causing a scene,” were the words that came out of his mouth first, taking the form of a half-assed attempt to stop Sirius’ idiosyncrasies before they even got started. 

“As if,” Sirius replied, his drama increasing as his irritation increased as well. “Moony, you are turning eighteen, the big one-eight, Mr. Adult, you can’t just not  have a party. I won’t hear anything of it.” 

“It just gets boring, having all these parties all the time, you know that’s not my kind of fun, Sirius,” reasoned Remus tiredly. It was true; Remus was always the odd one out of their tight little group. He liked to go out, sure, but all of these grandiose parties with drinks, and people he’d hardly ever even talked to, it just wasn’t his scene. However, James and Sirius were quite the opposite: they loved to entertain, and host, and simply just have loads of fun, so organizing huge ragers in the Gryffindor common room and getting drunk off their arses was right up their alley.

“Moony, Moony, Moony,” Sirius crooned. “I’ll make it fun, I promise. Since when have I ever let you down?”

“Well–”

“Don’t answer that.”

The conversation seemed settled, and Remus was one hundred and one percent positive that he would resent his inability to say no to Sirius for the rest of eternity.

Sirius and James made it their goal for the evening to finally, for what might be the first time, to get Remus Lupin properly and totally pissed. Being the rich, unknowingly privileged people they were, they went out and bought the nicest, strongest alcohol they could, fully determined to make the one to remember–or get so drunk that they couldn’t. They snuck the crate they had gathered into their dormitory under the invisibility cloak, knocking it off their to-do list as they headed out to spread the word of  “Mr. Moony’s Birthday Banger” (not their most creative title, but it would have to do last minute.

“How do you figure you’ll even be able to convince him to drink?” James asked curiously as he walked besides Sirius, handing out flyers to all sixth and seventh years they came across. 

“Oh, some jealousy, a lap dance, and whispering dirty things into his ear should do the trick,” Sirius smirked devilishly, the unsurprised sigh that James emitted satisfying him.

“Why of all people he chose to fall for your sorry arse, I’ll never understand.”

“I’m irresistible, Jamesy, how could I blame him?”

The party was a roaring success, as was any event organized by the daunting duo of Padfoot and Prongs. The gift table was sneakily placed next to the drink table, encouraging everyone to not only spoil the birthday boy, but to get spoiled on the plethora of alcohol they had provided. Remus sulked nearby in an armchair, wearily smiling and conversing with all who were courteous enough to wish him a happy birthday, even if most were just there for the booze. Sirius tutted at the sight, and set off to begin step one of Mission Get Moony Hammered. He took a swig of the beer he was starting out with, and sauntered over to Kingsley Shacklebolt, one of the only other students besides Remus and himself that was out as a queer man, barring Marlene and Dorcas proudly announcing themselves as lesbian (far, far too publicly). He made eye contact with Remus from across the room, grinning mischievously before laying his hand on Kingsley’s shoulder. “Hey, Shacklebolt,” he said in a low tone, shooting him a well-practiced smile, “care for a dance?”

“What will the boyfriend say, Black?” Kingsley laughed back, knowing full well what Sirius’ end goal was, because they’d been down this road before.

“This time I’m not trying to get him to shag me–well, yet,” Sirius insisted. “I just fancy seeing him drunk off his arse on his eighteenth birthday, surely you understand what amusement that long-concealed knowledge could provide.”

“Very well,” came the reply as Kingsley allowed Sirius to drag him off to the makeshift dance floor and place his hands on his lower back. Sirius was confident that this would at least get Remus started, and surely enough, when Sirius looked back over ta his lover, their was a beer in his white-knuckled fist as he conversed with Frank Longbottom. Sirius knew that it was a bit sick to make his boyfriend jealous just for a drink, but Remus always pulled the same tactics when he wanted something out of Sirius, and the whole population of Europe could deduce that Remus and Sirius were madly in love and that their teasing and shenanigans meant nothing in the slightest.

“Thank you, Shacksy my dear,” Sirius smiled as he slipped a cheeky grab of his arse in before departing. “He better be good in bed!” Kingsley called after him halfheartedly, Sirius hardly having heard him as he made a beeline for Remus. He sat right on his lap, completely ignoring the conversation that he was interrupting while he tilted Remus’ chin up to make him focus on him alone. If he was honest, Sirius was already a bit tipsy, for he and James had ‘sampled’ everything before people arrived. 

Frank got the message and went off to go join James in a heated argument about the Quidditch World Cup, leaving Sirius and Remus alone in a rather small chair. “Enjoying yourself, Moon man?” asked Sirius, smiling down at his boyfriend happily, if not a little sneakily.

“Why do you always have to tease,” pouted Remus, furrowing his brow as he stared at Sirius  right back. 

“You and I both know it’s the only way to get you to have a little fun,” replied Sirius quite simply, ducking to peck the pout off of Remus’ lips.

“Don’t think I didn’t realize you bought particularly strong beverages this time around, mangy mutt.”

“…Okay, guilty, but I resent the mangy bit,” Black insisted. “Aw, c’mon, Moons, lighten up. It’s one night, and we leave here in three months for the last time, and everyone will forget all about us and no one will give two shites about that one birthday party they were at in March of their seventh year.”

Remus looked across the room, back at Sirius, and sighed. “Fine, then. Pour me a drink, you bastard.” Sirius could have sworn his grin reached his ears.

Two beers, one whiskey, and a multitude of birthday shots later, and James and Sirius were sure they reached their goal. In fact, they knew they finally had, but were quite honestly a bit frightened about what drunk Remus might entail. After all, he wasn’t used to it–he was almost never, ever drunk. 

Currently, Remus was dancing with an equally drunken Lily…shirtless, the both of them, on top of some table on the other side of the room. “Er, Prongs?” Sirius asked hesitantly. “Is it just me, or is that-is that Lily and Moons on that table?”

James’ eyes widened as they flicked from Sirius to the table and back to Sirius again. “I fucking believe it is,” he replied in awe. “Hell, Moony’s hammered! He’s got to be, he never even takes his shirt off in front of me, much less in front of loads of randos.” After the shock settled down a bit, James and Sirius raced over to go convince their significant others to put their clothes back on and drink some water, as Sirius and James had been doing for the last half hour in order to be good hosts.

“Pads! Oh, you’ve got to dance with me up here, I’m a much better dancer than Kingsley,” Remus whined gleefully–and rather bluntly at that–his voice surprisingly slurred. 

Unlike Remus might have done if the situation were switched, Sirius gave in. He let Remus pull him up to the table, and was happily shocked when Remus hands immediately slipped down the back of his pants. It was quite the spectacle, but Sirius was always one for causing scenes. James had already persuaded Lily off the table and to the staircase to sit her down and give her water–for fear of another embarrassing situation (she was a wild drunk). 

“Moony!” Sirius yelped, jaw falling open when Remus slipped his hand down further and squeezed his arse. “There are prying eyes!” Remus shrugged and simply pressed his body closer to Sirius’. Sirius made eye contact with James and grinned, mouthing ‘holy fuck’ as Remus continued to borderline grind on him, acting much unlike himself. 

“Mm, I’ve the hottest boyfriend in the school,” Remus mumbled lowly in his ear, ignoring Sirius’ half hearted attempts at prying him off. All of their friends were catcalling them and cheering them on by now, but Remus was completely and utterly oblivious. 

“Moony, as much as I love what you’re doing, you can’t do…whatever it is you’re trying to do in front of half the school,” Sirius reprimanded, taking a deep breath and internally believing that he should earn some type of award for the amount of strength it took to not give in to Remus right then and there.

“You…are an awfully boring boyfriend, s’not fair,” Remus pouted, trying to tug Sirius’ shirt off now too. When Sirius didn’t give in, Remus huffed and stepped back, subsequently falling off the table. “Fuck,” he groaned, trying to stand up, yet falling right back down. Sirius covered his mouth with his hand and laughed in surprise at Remus’ expense, but stepped off the table when he realized he should probably be a gentleman and help him up. 

“C’mon, pup, let’s get some water in you,” he suggested, crouching as he sat Remus up and stroked his hair. Remus looked like he was about to protest, but was interrupted as he leaned over and vomited all over Sirius, then passed out.

Maybe this would be a night to remember after all.