#rel. for a life without you is a sentence worse than death ( doriano )

[agnoia]

she will always say that the best decision she ever made was to run away to sicily with doriano. leaving her whole life behind may have been a little bit hard, but for her peace? it was worth it. running away from everything that had treated her so badly, all the memories that haunted her. her father, angel’s death, the program, black jack. she started sleeping more soundly, started smiling more genuinely. she got to remake herself, and she got to do it with the man she loves. it may not be perfect, but it’s hers. they bought a house, they picked out furniture, painted the walls. they make their own memories there, without the paranoia they’d have looking over their shoulders constantly. it’s a moment of peace in what had always been chaos. she’d do it every time.

[agnoia]

" why do you think i was in foster care? i got my asshole of a father sent to prison. does that count? "

"daddy issues? just traumatize your dad back."

[agnoia]

❛  you look so pretty when you're taking my cock.  ❜

her breath hitched at his words, a tingle running through aching body as she felt him push into her. there was never anything quite like it- the moment their bodies joined. it wasn’t a rare occasion at all, not for the two of them. but she couldn’t ever get over the way his touch lit a fire beneath her skin. his lips dragging over her neck eliciting the sweetest moan as she fumbled for his hand. soon his fingers were in her mouth, every atom in her body screaming for him to just take her. to do it over, and over, and over again. every centimeter of her body belonged to him. he knew the map of her skin better than anyone to have ever lived. every tattoo, ever freckle had been tasted by his lips. no piece of her had been unexplored by his roaming hands, his sharp eyes noting every curve and dimple.

one hand stayed around his wrist, the other moved to grip sheets as slender legs wrapped around his waist. faint whimpers could be heard around long digits, tongue dancing over each finger with the metal of rings cool in comparison to the warmth of his skin. fuck, did he know exactly what to say. the effect of his words could be felt in her body as sweet blue eyes begged for more, staring intently into green. where words would surely fail her, her body language would surely tell him that it was craved. that praise, that attention. dirty talk like that was one way to make her head spin, and all logic would be quickly thrown out the window.

" d-doriano- " one word. the only one that her tongue could form as his fingers moved from her tongue to her lips. it was all she could say, all she could think as his hips rocked into hers. @withcruelty knew every single tactic to make her into a whining, sobbing, begging disaster. it was his talent.. it didn’t matter how many times they had sex, it always had a tendency to outdo the previous time..

" more.. please. "

[agnoia]

what if we did? a question she didn’t actually know the answer to. the idea had felt like a far fetched dream, rather than a possibility. an impulse rather than a full fledged plan. in her mind she felt stuck, falling somewhere in between what she wanted, and what was expected of her. she had this self imposed pressure, an intense feeling that she had to take a certain path in life. this whole situation- this relationship with doriano- had started to make her question if where she is… if that’s where she actually wants to be. a lab, crime scene photos burned into eyelids.. gunshots and sobbing families, interviews with few happy endings.

curled up on the bed, wrapped in his sheets.. this was the closest she’d ever felt to actually belonging somewhere. when she was with him— she didn’t feel the weight of the world that constantly pressed down on her. she didn’t feel like she had to hide as much of herself. his mask had been dropping over the past couple months.. and hers had too.

those moments of silence felt to her like an eternity. each breath that filled the quiet sending another burning thought into her head, and for a moment his initial statement sent a wave of panic through her chest. she knew the feeling— maybe that’s why she wanted so badly to escape. the fear of never being able to find it made her want to run even more.

with you.

the words hung in the air for a moment, and yet a warm wave was washing over her. hearing that, having him express it.. it gave her a glimmer of something that she hadn’t felt in a long time..

hope.

" anywhere’s a pretty big place.. " she said, leaning forward as blue met green in the comforting way they always had. eyes that saw her wholly, in all her flaws and cracks.

" but i want to explore it.. all of it. as long as you’re by my side. i want to get away.. far away.. where i don’t have to remember anything. " she wanted a new start. a new story, with a happy ending. and she wanted him in it.

" do you.. do you think we could do that? eventually, i mean.. "

@withcruelty

[agnoia]

i’m not sorry for loving you

" they said they’re taking you away soon.. " the words left her lips as she sat on the other side of prison bars. yet they seemed hollow, like she was far away when they escaped her mouth. it can’t be real- this can’t be happening. everything just seemed to be slipping through her fingers, just barely out of her control. and she hated that feeling. the helplessness that gripped her heart, looking at her partner through rungs of iron. in her eyes, his most recent exploit had been a good thing. he'd rid the world of two men who were the lowest of the low. they didn't deserve to breathe, not after what they'd done to her. but that didn't matter- not in the eyes of the court. not in the eyes of another agent who had been so damn keen on putting him away.

he's not yours to save. alyssa's words continued to echo in her head. she hated the tone that had been behind them. the insinuation that he was beyond redemption. that he was, and would always be, pure evil, inside and out. a belief that nicole certainly didn't share. she didn't see him as a project, as someone who needed rescue. to her he was just.. someone who needed understood. who deserved to be given a chance- she'd seen good in him, even if no one else could.

" they said i won't be able to see you again. " the pain started to seep into her voice now, her emotions starting to make its way into the cracks that threatened to break the dam. " that this is probably going to be it. "

alyssa was pushing for a sentence that she didn't even want to speak of, didn't even want to think about. a sentence that the men who'd taken her had deserved, but hadn't gotten. funny, how fucked up justice could be. she'd gone into this field thinking that she could make a difference.. that people would get the justice they deserved. doriano's most recent actions- taking it into his own hands.. only to be punished in a way that victor and george had escaped. they had deserved what they'd gotten.. but now..

doriano was paying for something that should never have been his burden.

" i came by just to say.. that you're unlike anyone i've ever known.. and i.. i'm sorry. " the apology was for more than the situation at hand, and it was something that seemed to have been bothering her for a while. " i want you to know that. "

she hesitated to look up, blue hues meeting those green that she'd grown so comfortable with. those eyes that made her feel seen, had made her heart flutter and her soul warm.

" if i pushed you, or made you feel ambushed.. for that i'll say i was wrong. and you can hate me.. i wouldn't blame you if you did. " she needed to get the words out, before they swallowed her whole. " this whole situation, everything that's happened.. it wouldn't have been this way if you hadn't met me. "

it felt like a knife was twisting itself in her chest as she spoke, her own self loathing making its way into her little speech. and maybe he knew it. maybe that’s why his eyes hadn’t left her features.

" you're the best thing i've ever had. i.. i didn't expect to feel this way. i didn't think i'd ever feel this way. " she hadn't talked about this- not with anyone. few people knew of her past, but even fewer knew how it had affected her. " i grew up thinking love was a swinging fist. that it was blood on the floor, and harsh words. i never knew gentleness, only violence. i.. didn't know it could be anything else until i met you. "

" nikki- " his words are cut off by the blonde interjecting, blue eyes tearing just a bit.

" i thought you were just going to be a distraction.. that's how it started. no feelings, no.. anything. i was mad at alyssa, i was stressed from work.. i needed a break, and you showed interest in me. " a dance she'd done so many times.. and yet she'd never dealt with the same emotions that she had with doriano. " one night turned into two.. turned into three. turned into more- and suddenly i'm texting you. i'm excited to go to north carolina. i'm looking for excuses to go see you. one day you're a random guy i met.. and then suddenly i find myself spending the night. we're watching a movie. i.. got attached. and that was something i had always told myself i could never have. because i thought i didn't deserve it. because who'd want just the broken pieces of a girl born with one foot in her grave? "

" i might be sorry for a lot of things. for that night.. for not doing more to help you. but i'll never, never be sorry for loving you.. because even after everything, i still do. and even if you end up hating me- i don't think it'll ever go away. you've become a part of me, doriano. and i'm not ashamed to admit that. "

[agnoia]

receiver finds sender stood over a body. (he's not doing anything i promise) - @withcruelty

" do you uh… do you need me to leave..? "

[agnoia]

"There's something about the way you say my name..."

" should i say it again? and again, and again, and again? " she hummed, looking up at @withcruelty with a playful smile. " do-ri-an-o. " the name left her lips in a singsong fashion, her hands finding their place on his chest.

[agnoia]

" the fuckers deserved it. "

she can’t say that the announcement hadn’t brought her some semblance of relief.. the death of the two men who had kidnapped her.. who had tortured her and forced her to fit their sick fantasy.. it felt like a weight had been taken off her shoulders, the worry of retaliation, of their return— it was gone.

" i know they did. " she said softly, leaning on the wall beside her, eyes cast down for a few moments before flicking back up. she was allowed a visit, but it was meant to be kept short. it had taken some convincing to even let her this close. if alyssa found out she’d flip.

" why’d you do it..? " her voice cracked, her hands gripping at her arms. she wasn’t saying they didn’t deserve it, because they certainly did. the suffering the two caused would leave its mark on her forever. but she couldn’t help but ask. however there was no judgement in her voice, no anger, no fear, none of that. she just.. wanted to know. it was a risk for him, a longer sentence possible. he could have let them live, could have just as easily stayed away. " are you okay..? " a worry filled her tone, flooding into the cracks. they didn’t tell her much over the phone.

she wanted to hug him. to have his arms around her again. for him to tell her that she was going to be okay, that she could feel safe again. he’d made the world safe for her again, at least a little bit. he’d done what others couldn’t- make the people who hurt her hurt too..

the words thank you felt wrong, considering the fact that two men were now dead. but she hoped that her eyes would convey that fact, the way her body didn’t seem as tense as it had for the past month and a half.. her mind wasn’t as messy, her fear was less now that the men that haunted her nightmares could no longer hunt her in her waking hours.

slim hand slipped between the bars, though guards were on high alert as she did so. she wasn’t allowed to bring anything in, they’d checked her over multiple times before getting to this point.. no- they were afraid that @withcruelty might do something.

[agnoia]

it’s funny that one of her best friends is a serial killer, her boyfriend is a serial killer, and another best friend is also very deadly as well. nikki you really know how to pick them don’t you. girl just has her little group of psychopaths. she’s just their little golden retriever human.

[agnoia]

tag time fuckers

hc. poets are not to blame for how things are

sc. and empty words are evil

aes. everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed

vis. you will never be lovelier than you are now

isms. my name is nobody

meme. her gifts were mixed with good and evil both

comm. nothing is more unintelligible than the human heart

open. when fate takes hold

ooc. aspen’s scribbles

rel. for a life without you is a sentence worse than death ( doriano )

dyn. even gods cannot protect the people that they love ( emily )

dyn. we two have secret signs ( danny )

dyn. i always stand near you ( borna )

pr. survival is the most amazing feat of all

sp. grief wrapped around her