#really truly wish i could hug my 17 year old self and tell her everythings going to be alright!!!

[deanwinchestergf]

i love being a lesbian but sometimes it is soooo hard to remember how much i tried to not be a lesbian like. why did i ever put myself through all of that :(

[toomanysurveys9]

1. When was the last time someone saw you naked? I don’t remember.

2. If you could bring someone back from the dead and spend an hour with them, who would it be and what would you do/say? My grandma. I want to tell her about everything and introduce her to my babies.

3. What is the greatest loss you’ve endured? My grandma.

4. How would you describe your current mood? I’m okay. I’m just really, really tired.

5. When was the last time you did something you were embarrassed by? I don’t remember.

6. What was the last thing you lied about? Being okay.

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex? Prefer the bed. It’s so much easier.

8. What is your earliest memory? One of them is singing at my grandparents house.

9. Do you ever drink or get high alone? Nah.

10. What type of a drunk are you? It depends. I start off happy and okay and then I get depressed and stuff.

11. What song (or a few songs, whatever) means a lot to you and why? I get to be the one by JJ Heller.

12. When was the last time you revealed your feelings for someone? Were they accepted or rejected? It’s been a long time, and we’re married now.

13. What was the reason behind your last visit to the hospital? Miscarriage.

14. How do you tend to deal with a breakup? I’ve never really had to “deal” with a breakup.

15. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? Weed. And I never want to do any again.

16. What is something you’ve done that you truly regret? Self-injury.

17. What does it mean to you to be a good person? Do you feel you are a good person? I think in some areas, I am a good person. But I could definitely be better.

18. What is your philosophy on life/how do you generally choose to live or conduct yourself? Always keep fighting.

19. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? My pets are family. As far as other animals, while I’m not a vegetarian or vegan, I still believe they should be treated in a humane way and with compassion. There’s no reason to be cruel, such as abusing them or keeping them in harsh conditions. <<< This.

20. When was the last time you were up all night and why? I’ve been up all night a lot. I haven’t been sleeping too well lately.

21. What is the worst thing you’ve done to yourself? What is the worst thing someone else has done to you? I have engaged in self-injury in the past. And I have been sexually abused.

22. What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? Uh, I guess what I shared above.

23. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? We just grew apart I guess.

24. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? Yeah.

25. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? I don’t know. Either my mom or Jake. I don’t know that I yelled back.

26. Where did your last injury come from? I banged a chair leg into my shin about a week or two ago. It still hurts.

27. What are some kinks or turn-ons you have, if any? I don’t have any kinks. My turn-ons are pretty basic.

28. What are you like during arguments? These days... I tend to shut down.

29. What is the worst thing you have said to another person? I don’t know.

30. Where do you like to be kissed? Forehead kisses are sweet.

31. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? Both. Eye contact is not my strongest quality.

32. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? Something Jacob said to Wyatt that wasn’t okay at all. And yes.

33. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? Jacob. That I love him and to make sure he always tells our babies that I love him too.

34. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? I would definitely tell some people. And I don’t know. But I don’t want to think about this with my upcoming doctor appointment. And very.

35. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? There’s no choices to choose between...

36. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? Yes I would. Because I can find a new job. The dog won’t have another life.

37. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? They’re the same.

38. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say? I’m straight, so there’s that...

39. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not? No. People might think I’m horrible for that... but no.

40. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? I don’t know.

41. Does love = sex? No.

42.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not? I’m in the same boat, so probably not.

43.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? I don’t know.

44. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? That I love them.

45. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? Uhhh. Ice cream. It just makes me happy sometimes.

46. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? My daughter.

47. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? I don’t know.

48.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? Jacob.

49. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? I’m certified, so yes. Compressions are the most important component if you’re uncomfortable doing mouth to mouth until help arrives.

50.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision? I don’t like this survey. I”m going to be up all night, anxious as shit. So thanks.

51. Are you old fashioned? I guess in some areas.

52. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? I never expect anything in return for my kindness.

53.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? True love. I would rather have been loved for awhile than to feel as though I don’t matter.

54.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? I’d wish for all illnesses to be cured and to be able to stay this age forever.

55. What was the last thing you ate? Pizza.

56. What kind of guys are you usually attracted to? I don’t know.

57. What’s the stupidest thing that’s happened to you that ended a friendship? I don’t remember.

58. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve had sex for?

I don’t know. I don’t time it.

59. What reality shows do you watch? The Masked Singer. I Can See Your Voice.

60. Post a video of yourself here: No thanks.

61. Where do you work? A local center for kiddos on the autism spectrum.

62. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? Yeah. I’ve gotten in one once even...

63. Where do you buy most of your clothes? Walmart.

64. If you were very intelligent and had the capability to have any profession, what would you like to be? Psychologist.

65. What’s your most irrational fear? I have a lot of them.

66. How many radio stations do you listen to? There’s two I mostly listen to.

67. What kind of music do they have?

One is popular music, and the other is country.

68. Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii? Greece.

69. Musicals: Yay or Nay? Eh. Not necessarily my favorite generally.

70. What are the next concerts you’ll be going to? I don’t know. I’m going to a musical in a couple weeks though.

71. What was the last conversation you had with your best friend about? Needing sleep.

72. Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others? Depends on the person, but not generally.

[ruby-dear]

all of them except 77, 78, 81, 92 and 96

Ember, I know this was you. I’m doing it, but that’s 93 questions you’re asking for so they’re going under a cut. 

1. Talk about your first love. There have been a lot of those, so let me talk about the first one I really remember. I was in eighth grade, at the time, and she wasn’t exactly a great person looking back but she was cool and confident and she liked me, and she called me her best friend, and probably the best school-related memory I’ve ever had was her tackle-hugging me from across a classroom. I didn’t even realize I liked girls until she’d pretty much left my life completely. Maybe I’m looking at it through rose-tinted glasses now, but I think that’s okay, sometimes.  2. What’s the most beautiful songs you’ve ever heard in your opinion? Most of my favorite songs are Owl City, especially the older stuff. It has a soft, dreamlike vibe to it that I find really pretty even when it’s depressing. 3. How’s your heart feeling right now? Pretty good, I think? 4. What kind of self care is your favorite to do? The fun stuff. Bath bombs, makeup, fancy shampoo. Retail therapy actually works pretty well for me, even if a lot of the time I don’t even buy anything. 5. What’s your skincare routine? Um... Shower? 6. How did you get to be so beautiful? Natural talent and carefully learned confidence. 7. Do you have any stuffed animals? Oh, do I. I have like, seventy Webkinz, and that’s without getting into anything else. You could say I collect plushes, even if I don’t do it as actively now. I have a couple of Eevee plushes, too - I’d say I want to own all of them one day, but I’m like, 95% sure that’s not possible. 8. Best trip you’ve ever been on? Once, we went to Prince Edward Island for a week, and my mom surprised me by meeting up with my best friend’s family, who happened to have gotten a room at our hotel for one night. I think that probably wins. 9. Favorite thing about your room? That it’s starting to look like it belongs to me, even if I want to move somewhere else. 10. Opinion on love? It takes work, but it’s worth it.

11. Are you affectionate? Around people I’m comfortable with, definitely. 12. Who do you look up to? The people who have enough confidence to be unapologetically be themselves.

13. Favorite poet? Robert Frost. When I was eleven, I found a book of his poems, and I loved that book so much I didn’t pay any attention in English class at all.

14. Song that makes you happy? How about one that calms you down when you’re in a bad place? There’s a lot of songs that make me happy. Hard to go wrong with the Pokemon theme, though. As for things that calm me down... It’s Alright by Mother Mother and Misguided Ghosts by Paramore have both got me through a lot.

15. Do you play an instrument? No. I was supposed to learn piano in seventh grade, but I couldn’t read the sheet music so they never let me play, and I tried to learn guitar multiple times but it never stuck for the same reason.

16. Do you do art? Using what (pencil, watercolor, etc)? I paint, though not as often as I’d like to! Using acrylics, usually, but watercolors sometimes.

17. Do you dance? What style of dance? I took ballet as a child, til they kicked me out of class, and I still enjoy dancing but I don’t remember any of what I learned.

18. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in astrology? Gemini. I think it might have some kind of truth behind it, but I’m not really one of those all-or-nothing people. It’s just for fun, you know?

19. Favorite old film? I don’t watch a lot of them. Does The Aristocats count?

20. What’s your hairstyle? It’s long and wavy. I’m getting blue highlights soon.

21. What weather is the most beautiful, in your opinion? Light rain. The kind that dries off before you get inside, when the sky is perfectly clear, but it starts falling anyway and it stops just as quickly.

22. What upsets you most about the world? That however hard we try to fix it, we’re unlikely to get very far.

23. Are you in love right now? Yes. At least, I think so.

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them! I have a girlfriend. Is that the same thing? She’s cute and funny and she thinks the same things about me for some reason, and she knows exactly how much of a disaster I can be and hasn’t run away yet.

25. Do you have pets? Talk about something sweet about them! I have a cat, Little Prince. His sister died about a month ago, and she was the one who usually kept me company (total lap-cat), but ever since he’s usually either close to where I am or comes when I call him over.

26. Do you have a lucky number? Any multiple of seven, but especially fourteen. They’re my favorite numbers for the same reason.

27. Have you ever wished on a star? What about on a fallen eyelash? I try to wish on stars, when I see them. Eyelashes I’m usually more annoyed about than anything.

28. Do you believe emoji spells to work? I think anything has the potential to work, given the right amount of effort and intent. That said, I don’t think you’re going to accomplish anything drastic.

29. Do you believe in magic in general? Oh, definitely. Just look at the world we live in. How can you not believe in magic when it’s all around you? The night sky without air pollution, the sunlight dancing on the water, candy cane white hot chocolate - it’s everywhere, in everything.

30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, In your opinion? Everything. There’s something beautiful in everything, if you look for it. Today, let’s say the feeling of sliding around on a hardwood floor in fluffy socks, dancing along to one of your favorite songs.

31. Opinion on the color pink? What about baby blue? As a kid, I hated pink. I like it now, though. Blue is my color, light blue especially (particularly with star patterns), so I’ve always liked it.

32. What instrumental sound is your favorite? Am I alloawed to say wind chimes? I’ve always thought they sounded super pretty.

33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain? I love them both.

34.Who makes you happy? My friends. All of them, in different ways, the people who are still in my life for various reasons. I love them.

35. What makes you happy? Light rain, strong wind, good music. My cat’s soft meow when I wake him up by accident. White peppermint hot chocolate. Fall colors, string lights, Halloween and winter holidays. Ice and snow and skating, dressing up for no apparent reason. The trick to it all is finding new things every day.

36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will that look like? A house big enough for a family. A degree of some kind hanging on the wall. A life where I’m making things because that’s what I love, and I can try new things just for fun, where I don’t have to worry about money so much. The chance to get married someday, maybe.

37. Do you wear makeup? If so what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup? I do! Unless someone else is doing it for me, I generally keep to lipstick and eyeshadow. I’ve never been especially picky about what brands I use, but I usually go to Nyx because it’s on my usual route when I go on shopping trips, and I’m kind of attached now. Plus, nowhere else I’ve been in person has as many bold colours.

38. Do you wear dresses? If so what’s your favorite dress you own? I like wearing dresses. My favorite that I still have is a longer black dress, and it’s in serious need of either repair of retirement, but I got it for $20 as a cosplay outfit last year and it served its purpose. I wear it around still, sometimes, because it’s generally an easy fix.

39. Ever been heartbroken? How do you deal with it? Yeah, a few times. I vent to my friends, usually, and then I eat ice cream and listen to gnash for a while and eventually I start to feel better.

40. Who’s your closest friend? What do you love about them?

41. Introvert or extrovert? Kinda both? It’s complicated.

42. Do you like MBTI? What’s your MBTI? Is that... Fuck, is that the one with the letters? I think I got ENFP last time, and when I was younger it was INFP.

43. Would you be a fairy, a mermaid, a vampire, a siren, a or an angel? I’ve had people tell me I have ‘fae vibes’ before, so let’s go with that and hope it’s not offensive.

44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you? I don’t remember enough of them to feel good about picking one. I basically only listen to music I’m recommended now.

45. Parlez-vous français? A little, by virtue of being Canadian and having driven through Quebec. Not enough to carry on a conversation.

46. Most beautiful place you’ve been to? Prince Edward Island, hands down. It’s gorgeous.

47. Where/when do you truly feel at home? When there’s a light breeze, and the perfect song is playing, and the people I love are there. When we’re laughing with each other.

48. Does smiling put you in a better mood? Try it right now, you’re smile is gorgeous! I don’t think it does, honestly? But it does tend to happen when I’m happy.

49. Favorite shoe you own? These ankle boots I got secondhand that have little metal stars on them. I’m gonna be so upset when they finally wear out and I need new ones.

50. Can you walk in stilettos? Do you like them? God, no, I’ve tried. Any heel that’s too sharp or pointy or tall is a major problem for me. It’s part of what makes finding shoes such a pain.

51. Do you feel loved? Not always, but yeah. When I remember, or when I ask, or when I’m reminded.

52. How do you express love to those you care about? I try to tell them, but I’m also the type to engage in constant teasing. I’m the friend that punches you in the arm as a show of affection.

53. Favorite term(s) of endearment? The more creative ones. The basics don’t do much for me, honestly, but it’s more about the person saying them anyway.

54. Most romantic thing someone’s ever done for you? Make me feel like I don’t have to try so hard to feel like myself.

55. When is the happiest you’ve ever been? Walking the downtown city streets in winter. It was cold, sure, but it was gorgeous and I finally felt independent for a while.

56. Are you happy right now? Yeah, I’d say so.

57. What makes you smile? Bad jokes, among other things.

58. Do you laugh a lot? Yeah. A lot more than I used to.

59. What’s your favorite kind of aesthetic? Punk/scenecore. They’ve really influenced my more recent style choices.

60. Do you want to marry for love or for some other reason (like money)? Love, definitely.

61. What would your dream wedding look like? Do you want to get married? With someone I love, and the other people I love there too. Somewhere beautiful. I think I do, someday, but it’s not something I’m so worried about.

62. Favorite flower? Roses. Blue Moon Hybrid Tea Roses, in particular, are especially pretty.

63. Favorite artist? I don’t really have one. I do enjoy looking at art, though.

64. Favorite music artist? Owl City.

65. How kind do you think you are? Is kindness important to you? I don’t know. People seem to think I’m kinder than I believe I am. It’s important to me, yeah, to try and help people and to do nice things.

66. Ever made a playlist for someone? A few times. They were never anything special, as far as I’m concerned.

67. Do you have anything you do to physically comfort you when your sad? Such as a favorite blanket? Or a relaxing bath? Long, warm baths and cuddling with my cat. Warm blankets and stories with happy endings.

68. Early bird or night owl? Night owl. I’m a night person.

69. Morning routine? Wake up, do nothing for a while, actually get out of bed and figure out breakfast. While that’s going on, try and figure out if anything important is happening today.

70. Night routine? Get comfortable, then write or daydream til I fall asleep.

71. What is the most lovely quality a person could have in your opinion? Self-confidence and a willingness to help others.

72. Do you cry often? Does crying help you get the emotions out? Do you feel better after? I tend to hold back my feelings til they all fall out. So I end up crying at least twice a month, usually. It helps, yeah.

73. Do you like hugs? From people I feel comfortable with.

74. When was the last time you kissed someone? On the lips? Never.

75. Are you small or tall? Small. I’m 5′0.

76. Do you like wholesome memes? Yes. They’re cute.

79. Have you ever lived in a different country than you currently live in? Nope. I’ve never lived outside this city, only been on trips.

80. Do you like plane flights? Airports? I’ve only flown once, and I was two, so I don’t remember it very well.

82. The beach or a forest? Sand or bugs? Depends on the day. Today, though, forest.

83. What time of day do you tend to be in the best mood? Evening, usually.

84. Do you push yourself to act together and in a good mood even when you aren’t? Yeah, when I’m stressed.

85. Favorite kind of tree? Either maple or pine. I’m Canadian, what can I say?

86. Do you care about the health of the Earth? Yes, but there’s only so much one person can do.

87. What did you like most about your childhood, if anything? Field trips. Adulthood is sorely lacking in field trips.

88. Do you read a lot? What’s your favorite book? I used to. These days I still read, but it’s mostly fanfiction. My favorite books, though, are Tamora Pierce’s Emelan series and the first two books of Kenneth Oppel’s Silverwing trilogy.

89. What are you most nostalgic for at the moment? Trick-or-treating.

90. What’s your favorite personality trait you have? I try to let the people I love know that I love them.

91. List at least ONE thing you love about your appearance. I have pretty great hair.

93. Do you worry a lot? Constantly.

94. The dazzling lights of the city or the relaxing countryside? The city. The countryside’s nice, but the streetlights and the city skyline are what make me feel at home.

95. Ever changed the shoelaces on one of your shoes? For what reason? I actually don’t know how to tie laces, so no. I’ve never been able to pick it up. I might get someone sense to, if I could find cool enough laces.

97. Do you like doing little acts of kindness? Yeah. It feels good to make people happy, you know?

98. How’s your day/night going? Pretty good! I did just spend over an hour on this, but I finished it, so that’s an accomplishment of its own.

[blossomhcney]

( brent antonello. 34. cis male. he/him. ) in texas, thomas horne is more commonly known as tommy. they’ve been living in newton for thirty-four years and currently a florist. some say they are resentful & emotional but i’m more inclined to believe those that say they’re calm & trustworthy. if you walk by their house, you can sometimes hear river of tears by alessia cara playing from their window. ( blood stained dog tags, muddied boots, the smell of freshly cut flowers, rose thorns pricking soft skin, early mornings that lead to late nights. ) 

yes, yes. i am back again with yet another character. pls feel free to hit me up for connections with my lil love bug ! he is my fave baby atm i love him so much do not hurt him. or ...... or do. 

PINTEREST BOARD !

NAME. thomas malcolm horne. NICKNAME. tommy. AGE. thirty four. GENDER. cis male. PRONOUNS. he/him. SEXUAL ORIENTATION. homosexual. ROMANTIC ORIENTATION. homoromantic. HOMETOWN. newton. OCCUPATION. owner of the bloom room & horne family farms.

ZODIAC. virgo. POSITIVE TRAITS. calm, trustworthy, honest. NEGATIVE TRAITS. resentful, emotional, guilty. LANGUAGES SPOKEN. english, french, spanish, arabic.

HEIGHT. 6′1 EYE COLOR. green. HAIR COLOR. brunet. TATTOOS. can be found on the pinterest board ! - with the addition of ‘aiden’ across his heart. 

QUICK INFO.

trigger warnings: pow, death, mentions of torture, mention of cancer.

thomas horne was born to mary and jacob horne on a stormy tuesday evening. he was the second born horne child, but not the last. they would go on to have three more children, growing their family steadily over the years. jacob had always joked about needing to have five children so they had somebody to pass their businesses down to when they died and whilst he was making a joke about it, he would have three children who wanted nothing to do it and two who would dedicate their lives to their family businesses. 

thomas was a shy child and he rarely left his older brother’s side, clinging him to as though his life depended on it when they went anywhere outside of their home. it took him a long time to finally become comfortable with the idea of being alone, not lonely, because he would never grow accustomed to such a feeling. he began to play alone and try to branch out and talk to the other kids at school. there was one in particular that almost seemed to take pity on him, but they became fast friends and, before he knew it, they were inseparable. they were most certainly his best friend in the whole entire world and thomas could not imagine a day without them.

upon discovering that his father had been in the army, thomas had become fascinated with the idea. the thought of helping his country and making a difference was so very attractive. he could not help the obsession as it slowly grew. looking at old pictures of his father, looking at his dog tags, listening to his stories. it was hardly thomas’ fault that he was as interested as he was, especially when his father described it the way he did. there was nothing wrong with just looking into it, right?

wrong. the second thomas began ‘looking into it’, he was hooked. he was absolutely determined to join and he longed for the satisfaction that his father had found whilst serving. his mother was reluctant to get on board with the idea, but she saw the way thomas’ face lit up each time he even mentioned going away, so how could she say no? his siblings constantly talked about how jealous they were that he was going to get out of texas, but truly, he was scared to do it. he was terrified to leave his family behind and become somebody new, somebody that he was so.. scared of meeting because what if he didn’t like them? what if he hated the person that he was to become?

eighteen came and thomas joined the army. the feeling was only to be described as elation as his father hugged him tightly and wished him all the best, his mother grasped his hands tightly and told him to write to her and call whenever he could. his siblings gave him small tokens of their affection and off he went. he felt like he had won the lottery and everything was going perfectly. his mos was translation and it was the best decision he could have made. 

just as he thought that nothing could get better, he fell in love. it was as cliche as it could be, but he slowly began to develop feelings for another on his team. finding out that he felt the same only made it better and more complicated. secrecy was something that thomas was highly skilled at for all his years of only spending time with himself, but it did not make things any easier. he wanted to be able to tell the world about the man he loved and he could hardly tell him.

he had been on patrol one night when everything turned to shit. he and aiden had spent the past few years discussing the potential of their future and thomas had been so excited to take aiden home to meet his parents because his mother would adore him. and he had absolutely every intention of following through with that. until he had been taken as a prisoner of war. not just him, the guy who was on patrol with him that evening had been taken, too. he would go on to spend the next year and a half chained up and tortured because he refused to give up information. the problem was, the information he was refusing to give up? he did not have. he watched as they killed the man he had been taken with and the only thing that got him through each agonising day was knowing that he would see aiden again. 

when he was finally rescued, they told him that there was nobody waiting for him and that he needed to go back to his hometown and not tell a soul about the experience. it took him a while to believe that aiden truly did not care, but he never came for him, so he resigned himself to the fact that he had cared more and opened himself up to heartache. and he had lost that battle. upon arriving back home, his parents were distraught at being told their son was alive after being told he had been killed in action. seeing him in the flesh was something else entirely and it took his mother an entire week to stop sleeping in the bed with him. hell, he needed that more than she did, because he couldn’t close his eyes without seeing images of the torture he had endured. 

after a while, he had been sat at home, not really doing anything and he needed to get back out there and experience life. perhaps not in the ways that he once had the joy and time for, but he needed to do something. he started helping out on the family again and helped his mother with the flower shop. he grew to love the bloom room more than he had when he was a child and he took a course to become a florist with the help of his mother. he finally felt that he had a purpose to his life again.

some months later, his mother fell ill and thomas threw himself into working at the bloom room in her absence. he was there before opening and after closing and people were beginning to associate his face with the face of the shop. when his mother died after a six month battle with cancer, she left the shop to him in her will. it was devastating, that after such a long period of her believing her son was dead, she got him back. but thomas knew that he could never have her back. she was gone and she was gone forever. 

now, he works nonstop at the bloom room and helps out at the farm most evenings and early mornings. he does nothing but work and spends what little free time he has with his family and the few cherished friends he still has. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

childhood best friend: i mean ..... this one is super cute and self explanatory, but they were the bestest friends as kids and teenagers and grew apart when he left for the army. they were the first person he came out to, they literally told each other everything and were inseparable.

first girlfriend: so, thomas had a tiny period where he thought he might be straight and this would have been the girl that sort of .... confirmed for him that he wasn’t. he was 16 at the time, so she would have been 16 or 17 at the oldest. it was not a ‘she turned him gay’ thing (which is not a thing at all but i digress), so there would be no hatred here, but we can discuss this in length. 

first boyfriend: now, this was literally right after his first girlfriend. they weren’t even technically dating, but they took his virginity and he took theirs and it was cute and they ‘dated’ right until he left for the army and he will always cherish them for giving him the experiences he felt he needed before he went off to grow up.

close friends: literally anybody that would wanna love down a lil damaged army boy who secludes himself and want to help pull him out of his shell. he’s basically gone back to his childhood ways of closing himself off so pls feel free to drag him tf out.

and uh anything else y’all want !

[zoeekar]

1-44 of those questions fjfjfj

I know who you are why you do this to me?? 👀👀

1. Any scars?

Not self-inflicted ones, but I do have a couple from my cat from 7 years ago... xD

2. Self harmed?

Nope

3. Crush?

My gf is lurking, I have to say her lmaoo also just look at my blog tbh.... 😂

4. Kissed anyone?

Kissed about four (4) people, hide yo wives! 😂

5. Coke or Pepsi?

Neither, I hate fizzy drinks that are not mixed with alcohol xD

6. Someone you hate?

Hate is a strong word, I just strongly dislike a couple of people

7. Best Friends?

My real-life best friends either don’t care about tumblr or refuse to make an account (I’m talking to you, Hayley!) but honestly, I may not have too many friends, but the ones I do have, I consider them besties

8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs?

I do drink sometimes, socially and I’ve smoked (and eaten) weed before but that was aaaaages ago and it didn’t even do anything for me lol

9. What’s your dream job?

Freelance creator and/or writer 😊 I’m currently working towards both of those. At a snail’s pace, but I’m working on it nonetheless

10. Ever been in love?

A couple times. One of them didn’t end too great, we don’t talk about that xD

11. Last time you cried?

Don’t even remember tbh. Which is a good thing!

12. Favorite color?

Black, purple, blue, green...

13. Height?

164, I’m p smol haha

14. Birthday?

April 13. Y’all should wish me happy bday in 7 months! 😂

15. Eye color?

Green

16. Hair color?

Natural; black. Artificial; blue

17. What do you love?

Food xD And movies and books and shows and writing and drawing and watching/listening to true crime podcasts and videos

18. Obsession?

👀👀👀👀

I mean what?? (gifs not mine, can’t tag/credit ppl on my stupid phone though!) 

19. If you had one wish, what would it be?

For me and the people I love to be happy and have our dreams come true and live our best lives! Also more understanding among everyone and less discrimination/racism etc etc

20. Do you love someone?

My gf, my best friends, my parents and my brother, my grandma, my fur baby who I haven’t seen in almost a year...

21. Kiss or hug?

Both (or neither) depending on the situation. I do love me some soft cheek kisses tho

22. Nicknames people call you?

Zo, Z, Mush (thanks for that, Hayley)... Can’t think or anything else rn tbh

23. Favorite song?

Oh, loooooooads of songs! Can’t pick one

24. Favorite band?

Dunno??? Florence and the Machine?? 

25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you?

I’ve been lucky enough that nothing truly bad has ever happened to me tbh

26. Best thing that has ever happened to you?

I worked in Disneyland back in 2015 and it kind of kickstarted the rest of my life xD

27. Something you would change about yourself?

Was gonna say my body but like... Maybe my confidence levels lmao and also my boobs. I hate them, they’re too big! 

28. Ever dated someone?

I’ve dated the same amount of people I’ve kissed (four)

29. Worst mistake?

I don’t really like to think that I’ve made mistakes tbh? Like... I’ve made some choices that turned out to be less than great, but I didn’t know that at the time. And also, without those, I wouldn’t be who I am today, so...

30. Watch the movie or read the book?

Both, duh!

31. Ever had a heartbreak?

Yep

32. Favorite show?

Euphoria, Killing Eve, Dead To Me, Fleabag, One Day at a Time, Luther, The Good Place, You, Sex Education, The Haunting of Hill House, The Office US (and UK), Parks and Rec, Pushing Daisies, Derry Girls, Sharp Objects, Everything Sucks, Spartacus, Chuck, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Kim Possible, Hibike! Euphonium... TOO MANY

33. Best day of your life?

No idea, honestly

34. Any talents?

I’d like to think I’m decent at drawing and writing xD

35. Do you wish you could ever start over?

Not really, I’m quite happy with the way things have turned out so far

36. Any bad habits?

Naaaaaaah. Maybe eating a bit more Nutella than I should 😂

37. Ever had a near death experience?

Nope. I have had ghost experiences tho

38. Someone I can tell anything to?

My gf and my closest friends. And also strangers online 😊

39. Ever lost a loved one?

My grandpa died a few years ago but I’ve never experienced true loss tbh. I loved him and all, but he was like 90 years old and v sick so we all knew it was coming. I’ve never lost someone close to me out of the blue

40. Do you believe in love?

I believe in mutual understanding and support and also being able to be yourself with someone without feeling embarrassed

41. Someone you hate/Dislike?

Not hate, I just don’t really like a couple people at work and like... some people from back home but that’s pretty much it

42. Are you okay?

A lot better than I was this time  last year, let me tell you that xD

43. Relationship status?

Taken 😊

44. Selfie?

Not a Selfie™️ but pretty representative of who I am on the inside xD

[captnbarnesrogers]

Letters From A Stranger (3/?)

Pairing/Characters: Sam Winchester x Reader, Dean Winchester, Anastasia (OFC) Warnings: Smut, loss of virginity in the backseat of Baby lmao (reader is 17 turning 18 and Sam is 18; in Australia the age of consent is 16 so idk if this is a trigger), fantasy-verse Sam calls reader the ‘S’ word, swearing, angst, blood, !!!!!!TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE!!!!!! Summary: While on a hunt, a letter arrives in the mailbox of the Winchesters’ room. A heartbroken letter from someone named Y/N. In a moment of boredom, Sam answers the letter with no expectation of a response. Word Count: 4k+ A/N: This one’s a bit long but I promise it’s worth the read!

<<<PREVIOUSLY ON LETTERS FROM A STRANGER

The clock had struck eight when Sam’s phone began to ring. He had just finished getting dressed in his suit when his phone began to ring. He slipped on his coat and picked up his phone from the bed. Sliding the green phone icon across the screen he greets the person on the other side.

“Agent Banner.”

“Hi, this is um, Tracy Greene from Phoenix City Elementary, we spoke yesterday about Grace.” Her voice sounded shaken up, stammer and all,

“Is everything alright?”

“I’m not sure, I just arrived at the school and my colleague, I don’t think she got home last night, her bag and keys were left by her car and her sister called me and asked if I had seen her.” He nodded subconsciously, “I know you’re busy and all with Grace’s case and all the other women that went missing-”

“No, no, it’s good that you told me, my partner and I are on our way.” Tracy and Sam exchanged a ‘goodbye’ and turned to Dean who was getting a drink from the tap, “We gotta go, De, someone else went missing.” Dean nodded and followed Sam out of the new motel room, sticking the key in the ignition and starting Baby up.

They arrived at the elementary car park in less than fifteen minutes. There was already a crowd at the estranged car in the car park; most of them being policemen and women, and colleagues. A small figured, brown haired woman, who Sam recognised as Tracy Greene from yesterday’s investigation, sped walked to where they were, shaking their hands and thanking them for getting to her on call and on time.

“We’re gonna need a little bit of information on your friend, Miss Greene.” Dean stated, “Like their name and age.”

“I, uh, her name is Y/N Y/L/N,” Sam tries so hard not to react to her and subtly looks at Dean, “she’s in her early thirties,” She adjusts her hand to your height, “about this high.” Sam clears his throat,

“When did you last see her?”

“Well, I was the last person to talk to her from what I know, and it was at about three forty-five in the afternoon, after school.” All three of them hear your name being called but not from being found, from trying to be found, “That’s her sister, Anastasia.” Tracy points. Dean nudges at Sam to go over,

“I’ll stay here with Tracy.” Dean offers and Sam nods. As Sam walks away, as he expected, Dean begins to flirt with the brunette they were questioning before. He walks towards your sister who was in a state of panic as he overheard that your sister could not be found. He quickly flips his fake FBI badge at the policemen surrounding Anastasia,

“Gentlemen, I’ll take it from here.” They nod at him and walk away. He notices Anastasia’s eyes widen and he laughs,

“Nerd number two…”

“Yeah.”

“You work for the FBI now?” He nods, “Jesus Christ, you really are her Knight and Shining Armor, aren’t you?”

“Ana, I really need your help on this.” He puts his hand on her shoulder,

“I need a drink.”

You could’ve sworn it was December fifth yesterday and you woke up today, checking the calendar on the wall, it’s December twenty-seventh. It only means one thing: The Winter Formal. If things weren’t weird enough, the clock had struck five o’clock which meant that Sam would be at your house in an hour and you hadn’t fixed your hair or your face. You ran downstairs and asked for Anastasia.

“What, what, what!? You’re so noisy.” Anastasia sighed, clearly annoyed, the tip of the nail brush dripping with nail polish,

“I need help with my make-up and my hair, I don’t know how to do all of this I’m literally a boy I don’t know how-”

“Okay, shut up, chill out! Jesus!” She slides off of the bar stool and grabs your hand, leading you to her bedroom and sitting you down on the chair in front of her vanity, “I’ve always wanted to transform you.”

“Transform me?”

“Yes, you never wear make up and your hair is always a bird’s nest and you are my only sister, I’m excited.” You laughed at her as she began to get things from her drawer.  You felt liquid on your skin and the bristles of a brush stoking against your face. Somewhere along the way, as your thoughts trailed away to Sam, Anastasia had finished, and you felt her tap her ring finger against your lip. She put your hair up in a simple slick bun and squealed, making you jump, “I truly believe that I’m Jesus, I’ve transformed you!”

“I’m sure it’s not-” She swivels the chair to face the mirror, making you gasp, “Woah.” You couldn’t believe your eyes, you usually felt great even without the make up but as you kept looking at yourself, if it even was you in the mirror, the confidence in you arises and you feel great about yourself, “I- I look-”

“Amazing, I know.” She taps her hands together and jumps, “Okay, let’s get your dress on.” As you slipped on your dress, everything fell into place, tonight was the night, if you sere remembering it right. Sam was going to stay because he apparently lived in Phoenix his entire life and the both of you would be happy. You felt the soft fabric against your body and took a look at yourself in the mirror, “Oh. My. God. Who am I kidding? I am God.” Anastasia laughed. You turned to your sister and suddenly felt insecure at the tightness of the dress,

“Do I, um, look okay?” She sighed and put a hand on your shoulder, rubbing reassuringly,

“I honestly cannot believe I’m about to say this but,” She clicked her tongue, “you’re prettier than me.” You hugged your sister and let go after realising what you were doing, “That was cute… I think.”

“I’m never doing that again.” You both laughed and suddenly, the door bell rang. You both gasped and squealed, “He’s here.”

“I’ll meet you at the school, Katherine’s getting here in half an hour.” You nodded and made yourself downstairs. You were met with the sight of Sam Winchester in a suit, the air in your lungs almost cutting out. As your gracefully strode down the stairs, your heel gets caught on your dress making you trip down the last few steps. Fortunately, Sam was close enough to catch you. You opened your tightly shut eyes to the smiling face that was your date to the prom,

“Quite an entrance you’ve made, Miss Y/N.” He says picking you back up and helping you balance on your shoes. You straightened out your dress and gave him a nervous laugh,

“This is exactly how I wished it was.” You whispered,

“What?”

“Oh, sorry, yes it was, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, it was, uh, adorable.” He gave you a kiss on the cheek and took your hand in his, making your breath hitch, “I got you a corsage, did you want to put it on?” You nodded, and you feel his calloused hands take your fingers and tie the ribbon with white roses on your wrist, “Now we’re matching.” He laughs, pointing to the rose on his suit.

While pictures were being taken, Sam pulls you in close. You lay your head on his shoulders and everything suddenly feels perfect. You’ve never felt more warmth in your life than in this moment.

You say goodbye to your parents and walk out the door, Sam quickly promising your dad you’d be home by 12. As the door closes, you gasp at the vehicle before you.

“Your dad’s letting you drive Baby!?” You say, shocked,

“Yeah, we’re gonna have to drive slow.”

“Dean must be…” You laughed as Sam opened the door for you,

“Going insane.”

“Yeah.”

“He wanted to be the next one to drive it, but Dad said it’s a special occasion, Mom had to calm him down.” His eyes squint as he giggles and walks in front of the car and to the driver side of the 1967 Impala. You feel the interior of the car, in awe of the condition of the vehicle, “I know, Dad takes care of her and she’s over thirty years old.” He turns the engine on and you groan,

“It’s like sex to my ears.”

“I don’t know how he does it.” You nod in agreeance.

You pull up to the building of the school. After getting out of the car, you look at the bright lights of the school gym, your nerves getting the best of you. Paper snowflakes covered the door and blue lights surrounded the gym. When you entered the gym, you felt everyone’s eyes on you, making your heart beat faster and your grip on Sam getting tighter. He sees your anxiousness and pulls you aside. He rests your chin in between his thumb and his pointer finger, making you look up at him. You feel his hand rubbing your back comfortingly,

“Breathe with me, Y/N, you’re okay.” You look at his chest and watch the pattern of his breathing and following the way he breathed,

“I’m sorry, I’m already ruining-”

“Hey, no, I get it, it’s okay.” He lifts his head and looks at everyone around the room, “You’re the most beautiful girl in this room.” You shook your head, smiling at the floor, “You are.” He caresses your cheek, “And we’re going to have a good time, okay? If you want to go home, you tell me, and we’ll go home and drown ourselves in Ben and Jerry’s, okay?”

“Okay.” You liked the way he said ‘home’, it made you smile and made you think of a future with the man before you. He leads you to the table and he greets his friends, introducing you to the other girls on the table. You’d calmed down a little bit and you were starting to loosen up, laughing and dancing with the other girls. You went to go sit down, Sam’s friends telling you he had grabbed some punch for the both of you. As you take a seat, you feel a tap on your shoulder. You turn around and see a cheeky smile from the school’s self-titled ‘bad boy’, Joey Ramirez. You stand up and greet him,

“Hi.”

“Hi, Y/N, isn’t it?” You nod, he takes one of your hands which was resting in front of you and gives it a kiss, “You look beautiful, would you like to dance?”

“Um, I have a-”

“Come on, chica, just one dance?” In this moment, you knew he would not stop bugging you and nodded in defeat. He led you to the dance floor just as ‘Differences’ by Ginuwine began to play. He spun you around and put his hand on your hips, your hands slung around his shoulders and the blue lights shining on you, almost like the moonlight. You both swayed to the music, Joey whispering to you about how beautiful you were, no effect taking place. You thanked him repeatedly.

Sam watched you dance with Joey, smiling at what he thought was you accepting Joey’s sweet nothings to a song he had requested the DJ to play so he could finally tell you how he felt. He put your drink down on the table.

“You okay, man?” His friend asked with concern. Sam nodded in silence,

“Yeah, excuse me, I’ll be back in a sec.” His friend nodding as he exited the gym.

The song ended, and you made your way back to the table, Joey blowing you a kiss. You spotted the moisture of the cold drink dripping on the side of the cup and you looked up and to the side, trying to find the mop of brown hair that was Sam Winchester. You walked away from the table, your presence almost unknown to the others, and walked passed the punch table where your sister was. You let the cold December air touch your skin, your eyes searching for Sam. You kept walking until you’d seen the all too familiar tallness. You slowly strutted to him, your teeth chattering, and your arms folded, protecting yourself from the icy sting of the air.

“Sam?” You quietly called out. He turned to you, his thumb in his mouth, biting his nail,

“Jesus, Y/N, what are you doing out here? You’re gonna freeze to death.” He quickly takes off the jacket and covers you in it,

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“I just needed some fresh air.” He kicked the stones on the ground, his hands in his pockets,

“Sam Winchester, I may have only known you for less than a year, but you can’t lie to me, you’re my best friend.” You laughed and took a step closer to him, “Now, what’s wrong?”

“I- I can’t do this.” He begins to walk away from you, but you try to catch up with him as fast as you could in heels,

“Sam! Sam, please, if I’ve done something wrong, I’m sorry!” You stop in front of Baby, silence surrounding the already empty parking lot, the pounding of the music from inside the gym your only source of noise, “Sam, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s not you, I promise, it’s not.”

“Please tell me what’s wrong, Sam.”

“Y/N… I saw you with Joey and I just-” He didn’t want things to come off the wrong way, but he didn’t want to scare you off. He felt your hands on his cheeks, caressing softly,

“Sam…”

“I’m in love with you.”

“What?” You pull away from him in surprise,

“Fuck. Fuck, I knew this would happen, I knew I shouldn’t have said anything-” You smash your lips on his and kiss him deeply, “Y/N?” You almost feel dizzy from the tingling of your lips,

“I love you too, Sam.” Sam smiles and pulls you in for another kiss, he lifts you up on the hood of Baby, the feeling of his mouth and his hands wondering your body was almost addicting, “Sam?”

“Yes, Y/N?” His happiness evident in his voice. His lips travelling down your neck,

“Make love to me?”

“Are you sure?” You nodded, “Okay, I didn’t know this would be happening tonight, I didn’t get a room and both our parents are home.”

“What about Baby?”

“Baby?” He follows the landing of your eyes to the backseat of the Impala, “Oh.”

“I mean, we don’t have to tonight.”

“No, no, I want to, fuck,” He grips your hips tightly, making you moan, “I want to, trust me, I just don’t want us to get caught.”

“No one else is parked here, everyone else is parked in the front parking lot and I doubt someone’ll go looking for us.” He laughed,

“Okay.” He leads you to the backseat of Baby, looking around before entering, making sure no one was there.

He sat next to you and stared at you lovingly. Moments later, after unpinning your hair and letting it flow down to your shoulders, his lips captured your lips. Your mouths moving against each other desperately. His shoves his jacket off of your shoulders and you unbutton his shirt as quickly as you could. You hum against his lips and he pulls your hair gently as your grip the hair on the nape of his neck. He lays you down on the leather seats and you pull away from him, staring into his eyes, lust and love mixed together in the light green browned eyes of his.

“Are you sure about this, Y/N?” He asks,

“Yes, Sam.” He grabs a condom from the compartment of the passenger area. You looked at him curiously,

“They’re Dean’s but they work fine.” He laughs. He unzips his pants and pulls out his hard cock, rolling the slippery glove from the head down to the base, “Are you ready?”

“I’m scared.” You whisper, looking down at him. You feel his hand caress your cheek,

“We can stop if you want.”

“No!” You say, “no, I just- Please go slow?”

“Of course, I will never intentionally hurt you.” He leans down and kisses you, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He hikes up your dress, grips your hips and quickly gives his cock a tug. You feel the head of his length tease your wet entrance. Your hand, which was lightly resting on his shoulder, digs into his shoulder as he enters you, “S-Sam.”

“You okay?” He pants,

“Mmhm.” He looks down at the sight of you biting your lip, only assuming it was from the discomfort, “Y-you can move.” He slowly begins to move his hips into you, stretching you out to fit him. As he moves all the way into you, you begin to pant as the discomfort is exchanged for pleasure, “S-Sam, oh- oh my god, Sam, it feels so- Sam!” He rests his head in the space between your neck and shoulder, making sure to leave small kisses where he could,

“Fuck, you’re so tight.” Your fingers dig into his back and your legs wrap around his waist trying to get him deeper into you. You could’ve sworn you were seeing stars as his thrusts began to quicken,

“Sam, oh fuck, Sam!” He feels you tightening against his throbbing cock making him inhale sharply,

“I know, me t-too.” He luckily lets out. He heaves himself up to meet your eyes and he is suddenly overwhelmed with the beauty of you laying under him, love overtakes his body and he leans down and kisses you as he keeps thrusting into you. The windows have steamed up from the heat produced by your bodies and as if it were a movie, your hand slams against the window and drags itself down, rubbing off the misty steam from the window,

“S-Sam, S-Sam, I think- I think I’m gonna cum.” You mewl,

“I’m close too.” His thrusts begin to become sloppy as pleasure shakes the both of you, “Oh fuck, fuck, baby, I’m cumming.”

“I’m- I’m-” You cry out, slamming his lips on yours, “Sam!” Sam cums into the condom and grunts out your name. His hips jerk and your lips connect once again,

“I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too, Sam.”

Anastasia had agreed to keep quiet about the hunting, which Sam had thanked her repeatedly for. She couldn’t believe her ears, no matter how much Sam had explained it. It was completely and utterly unbelievable.

“A Djinn?” She questioned, Sam nodded and clicked his tongue,

“They’re like Genies.” Dean cut in,

“I know.”

“We think it’s hiding out, here.” Sam points to the computer. She turns the computer to face her and looks at the familiar building,

“The old warehouse? Why would it want to stay there?”

“Most likely because no one goes there,” she nods, “and it’s a big space, we believe it has more victims in there.”

“How do we kill it?” Sam grabs a knife from inside his jacket pocket, “A knife? That’s how?”

“Well this and lamb’s blood.”

“Well, let’s go save your princess then.” All three of them drive to the old abandoned warehouse and pull up outside of the rotting red building. Both Dean and Sam enter the building and begin to hunt for the victims and the perpetrator, the Djinn. It’s not long after when Sam is caught in a fight with the tattooed monster.

Days had past since you’d had sex with Sam and you had never felt happier. You’d woken up with a smile on your face and even slapped yourself to try to wake up from this dream which was your life. You got dressed for school, ate breakfast, kissed your mom goodbye and waited for Sam outside.

You checked your watch repeatedly, Sam was incredibly and unusually late which made you worry. You waited an extra fifteen minutes for him before deciding to walk to school, late for the first time. As you entered the school hallways, gripping your bag tightly, you felt everyone’s eyes on you. You were getting nervous as giggles rang through the hallways. You walked to Sam’s locker with a quickened pace as you heard whispers of your name. You saw him grab some books from his locker, his friends surrounding him.

“Sam.” His playful demeanour with his friends suddenly changed when you arrived, and his friends scattered off in silence, “Did you forget? It’s Friday, you were supposed to pick me up this morning?” Silence came from your boyfriend and the whispers from you only got louder, “Sam, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know, what’s going on with you, Y/N?” You felt the ice in his voice,

“Sam, I seriously don’t know what the fuck is going on!”

“Maybe these will help you remember!” He shoved a few pieces of paper into your chest. He watched you as you read the printed-out messages from ‘you’ and Joey Ramirez, “These were left in my locker.” He breathed heavily in anger, you read lie after lie in the messages,

“Sam, you cannot believe this! This isn’t me! These- these aren’t real!” You looked around you and found more people staring at you,

“Jesus, Y/N…” You dropped the papers in the bin and tried to hold him,

“Sam, please, i-it’s not me! I would never hurt you, I could never, I love you.” He scoffs and pulls his hand away from you,

“Face it, Y/N, you’re just a slut.” You feel the air from your lungs ripped away from you and you fall onto the ground. The cackles and giggles around you made you feel smaller than you already did. You felt empty. You clutched on your shirt and tried to find a way to open up your air way. You stood up from the floor and walked out of the school as whispers of ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ escaped the mouths of the people of your high school. You got on a bus and checked your watch. It was the time of day where no one would be home. As you arrived at the house, you’d forgotten the feeling of tears on your cheeks and let them fall as freely as you liked, you turned the jingling keychain of your keys and entered the empty house. You threw your bag on the floor and made your way to the bathroom. You opened up the cabinet and grabbed the orange bottle of painkillers from inside the cabinet. You looked at yourself in the mirror, eyes big and puffy from the tears, and pour the entire bottle of painkillers down your throat, accompanying it with some water. You sluggishly made your way to your bedroom and laid down on the soft covers of your bed. It wasn’t long until you felt the effects kick in, you slipped into a loss of consciousness.

Your eyes opened at the sight of a tall man stabbing the tattooed man who had greeted you of what felt like only yesterday afternoon. Your eyes became hazy once again and moments later, you felt the pressure on your arms release. A hard body carrying you.

“Dean!” Sam yelled out for his brother, “Dean, she’s dying!” He could hear you whispering apologies over and over until silence succumbed you,

“I just called the police station, they’ll be here soon.”

“We have to take her to the hospital.” Dean nodded and helped his brother up and out of the building, carrying you in his arms, “You’re gonna be okay, Y/N, you have to be okay.”

MASTERLIST

PERMANENT TAGLIST: @winchester-negan-one-shots @stevette60 @marvelous-fvcks @marvel-fanfiction @potterhead1265 @zoejohnson8 @frickin-bats​ @iamwarrenspeace @kenmen02 @captianwintersoldier​ @noelia8villa @bucky-bear-barnes @hollycornish@capsheadquaters @duncedgoofball @abouttimefortea@buchananbarnestrash @minervaem @barnes-heaven@buckyywiththegoodhair @mellifluous-melodramas @heartmade-writingbucky @hellomissmabel @justanotherbuckydevotee@alphaabucky @firebendergirl33 @naenae87 @sunnyfortomorrow@aya-fay@terraling @topthis808 @savebxrnes @lediskogirl @mizzzpink @janellexox0 @potterhead1265 @lara-ludbey @edward-lover18​

LETTERS FROM A STRANGER TAGLIST: @the–real-wombat @in--outer-space​

[sinkthatmoon]

Abusive Mother..

Where do I even start?

My mom has always been an alcoholic with an explosive temper. I feel like she’s bi polar and never truly got tested for it..My Aunt is a Bi-polar Schizophrenic, so it’s possible.. When I started getting older I noticed it more. How she screamed at my brothers and I, threatened to beat the fuck out of us if we messed up. But I was a good kid, stayed out of trouble so I didn’t get hit.

When I was about 10 I moved in with her and her boyfriend at the time, and his daughter. They were both very mentally abusive to us and eachother. Me and my step sister(let’s call her Nikki) use to get screamed at. Not just yelling at us for something we did wrong but inches from our face, screaming at the top of her lungs. She’d jump up and down like a toddler having a tantrum.. Nikki was always up to put up a tough act and break down when we get to our room. I was always crying immediately. My mom terrified me.

When I hit about 13 that’s when the physical abuse began. She would grab me by my arm really hard, throw me into my closet. She slapped me, threw heavy things like a saddle for a horse at me and scream I pick it up. When I was about 16 I was balls deep in depression. So was Nikki, she hates my mother with a burning passion. I understand why she does, she was put through a lot. They punished us for small things, but they made our lives hell. I tried to kill my self, twice. My family found out and took me to the Psych Ward. They were all supportive and nice when I went in, I think because I was so scared..

It seemed like she changed after that.. she broke up with her Abusive Boyfriend and his daughter, kicked them out. When I got home, she was really nice for a while. Then she started dating these guys..drinking a lot more. She wasn’t home half the time. This is when I developed horrible hallucinations. I hated being in this old country house alone, I was haunted by figures only I could see. But she kept drinking, kept partying. Hoped from handyman to biker to whoever.. I was going to therapy sense I had just gotten out of the hospital.. I started to open up about how abusive she was. All her exsessive drinking, she would pick me up drunk and drive me home or there.. so I told my therapist about it. She called CPS even though I begged her not to. When I was on my way home with my grand parents I broke down and told them what was happening. My mom called me, left a nasty voicemail on how she was going to “beat the life out of me” when I got home. I begged my grandparents not to take me home. They went home with me. And for the first time in my life, someone stood up to that Tyrant for me. Even though she kept telling them to leave, they knew better to leave me there alone with her. I can’t remember a lot of what happened, but I remember my grandpa standing up and yelled at her, “NO! STOP BLAMING THIS GIRL FOR YOUR HORRIBLE CHOICES!ITS NOT HER FAULT RHEY CALLED CPS ITS YOURS!“ It settled down after that. I remember lying to keep her calm as to why I told my therapist that. She pulled me out of therapy when my Therapist started pointing the blame in her direction for my demise. Said she was crazy. All my therapists have agreed my mother was abusive, whenever they confront her she refuses to believe them. Says they’re crazy and feeding me lies then pulls me out of it.

Sometime after that we were at a bar with her biker boyfriend. I was about 17. He gave me a hug, which is fine.. but he wouldn’t let go of me. After like 30+ seconds I began to get upset and asked him to let go of me, he wouldn’t. So I screamed, LET GO OF ME And shoved him away. I was shaking. He was visibly drunk(so was my mom), and he started crying to her saying I made him feel like a pedophile. Like ????? What? I asked him to stop hugging me and he wouldn’t so I shoved him away. But of course, my mom instantly took his side. She drug me to the bathroom by my hair, threw me into a stall. Screamed in my face how she was going to beat me when I get home. I text my brother what was going on, and he raced down to get me. He and his girlfriend picked me up, my mom chased them out of the bar screaming. My brother was so pissed at her for once. They took me to their house, reassured me everything would be ok. That night my mom stayed with her boyfriend. She text me 5 pages yelling me what a horrible daughter I was, that she wishes I was never born and all this stuff I’ve far pushed down. The next day they took me back to my moms to talk..my brother broke because he couldn’t stand up to her screaming like she usually does. They let her put the blame on me for that night again. She put the blame on me for absolutely everything bad that had happen to her. I was her personal black sheep.

Eventually things coolered down, she’s been dating the same guy for the past 3 years now. Although there has been a lot of her screaming at me the same way, but I’m 20 now. I’ve been able to stand up to her. I convinced myself maybe I was overreacting all these years.. but Last night was the final straw.

My moms boyfriend was on the couch snoring. The couch is right infront of my bedroom door, I can hear everything through that door.All I did was ask him to go sleep in his own bed because he was snoring really loud(mind you his bedroom is literally about 20feet away). He wouldn’t get up so I sat their and bugged him so he would leave. I knew if I walked away he’d fall asleep AGAIN and start snoring AGAIN and I’d be doing this all over. He wanted to lay there to spite me, infact admitted to it and started screaming loudly at me to go fuck myself and everything under the sun. I kept begging him too. Literally begging,”Please dude please, just go sleep in your own bed, please I helped you out a lot today just do me this one favor.” He kept saying no, telling me to fuck off stop bothering him and go to bed. When I told him if he started snoring again I’d thrown water in his face he immediately flipped shit. Started screaming at the top of his lungs how DARE I threaten him in his own house. I told him not to scream so he doesn’t wake anyone else up and he screams louder. He woke up my mom and she immediately came flying in, shoving me into my room, trying to slam the door on me. She raised her fucking fist to hit, WTH the same crazy fucking look she got when she dragged me into the bathroom by my hair and when she threw things at me. I told her, “DONT YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME! LET GO OF ME!” Even her boyfriend yelled at her ENOUGH.And she froze for a split second, before telling me to Shut the Fuck up and go to my room. (These people are fostering a 5yr from an abuse case by the way. CPS really does a “great job”screening potential foster parents. Infact when they confronted her about the drunk driving years ago, the note they had from my THERAPIST they had gotten on her she turned it on me, told them I was drunk not her and they believed her. Never even asked me.)

But I can’t stand living here anymore. I’ve had one of their guns in my mouth, I was ready to pull the trigger. I contemplate suicide every week here, I hate myself and hate this family. I’m at my breaking point.

My best friend in California is letting me move in with her. I’m trying to get this all done in a month. I have no money, but I have a car. She’s going to fly down Here, and drive back to San Jose with me in my car packed full of all my shit. I’m so scared, but if I don’t do this..Im afraid of what’s to come.

So that’s my story. I’ll be keeping you guys updated on the moving process as well. Send good vibes my way guys✌🏻

[presentoverperfectx-blog]

TO BE LIGHT IN DARK PLACES

In Roald Dahl’s illustrious words, “I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good.”

So life is what it is right? I mean, people experience great things just as much as they might experience horrible things, and most of the time, there is nothing you could do to avoid certain circumstances. Still, I believe it is important to immerse yourself in something good; to be passionate about something, to fight for something you truly believe in, and hold on to that in good times and in bad. 

On another note, how you choose to react to what life throws your way, and what lens you choose to look from, makes ALL of the difference. In my mind, life is way too precious to jeopardize by wasting time in a bad environment (in your mind, and your surrounding environment) or to keep toxic people around. Just because things have gone badly, does not mean that they have to stay that way, and you have the power to change that. You get to choose how your life goes. Here are two simple words that have empowered my life: “take heart”… Have courage, have faith, channel your strength, get up and start again tomorrow.

So, growing up I was more of a timid girl to strangers, but when I was around my select few, I was always full of life. Today, I still might come across as “shy” and I’ve recently been told that people don’t really get to “know” who I am. And sure, I do have a hard time letting people truly see me for who I am and I can be very closed off. Truth be told, I suffer from anxiety which can, at times, turn me into a paralyzingly fearful person, forcing me to keep my distance from everyone. On the other hand, I’m so in tune with the world and so aware of people and the smallest of details about them, their mannerisms... I am an extremely observant person and I definitely “feel” too much. This high-level empathy may come at times as a blessing and a curse, all at once. But amidst this hyper-awareness, I can say with confidence that I trust my instincts and I have an amazing read on people. 

At the end of the day, my goal is to simply be happy in the company of genuine and good-natured people. I always was, and am truly a *happy-go-lucky* person, despite my fair share of adversities, some of which I told myself for years that I’d “take with me to the grave”. I went through a depression going into college, as I couldn’t bear this secret burden I was carrying on my shoulders for all of those years. Very soon after, I crashed... hard. It was long and dreadful, but I sought help. And now, I’m happy to say that I feel lucky to be where I am today. I am who I am today because of what I’ve been through and how I’ve grown from it. To an extent, I believe Nietzsche was right when he said “adversity makes you stronger”. I believe it sensitized me to people’s struggles and allows me to connect with people on a deeper level. In essence, it has helped my emotional maturity. Still today, I am by no means perfect, I have my flaws and there are many things I am trying to work towards. But that’s the key isn’t it? You need to challenge yourself in order to grow. Growth is not always comfortable. As a matter of fact, it takes a step beyond your comfort zone.

The take home point is - I am trying my best to be a better person than I was yesterday. It’s a simple concept. And at the least, I wish to be an example to those around me to push themselves to be better people, and to see the good in this world, despite all the misfortunes; to look at life through the lens of optimism and passion for something greater.

Amidst all the good and bad, the importance of support is evident… We are social beings by nature. We were made to live in companionship and we often depend on other people. We all “get by with a little help from our friends”. We like to be surrounded by our loved ones and share our personal experiences with others. And this is where it all truly begins for me. 

“I find the best way to love someone is not to change them, but instead, help them reveal the greatest version of themselves.” - Steve Maraboli.

As the years go by, I become increasingly confident of this “pull” I feel to bring joy to people, make them smile and just...feel good. The world has so much potential to be so good and it really doesn’t take much to nudge it in that direction. I believe it’s the simple things that go far - to just be kind, to be there for someone and to show a bit of compassion. So naturally, I chose to dedicate my studies to the field of psychology (also because of my fascination of the intricate human brain, but I won’t even get into that here) in order to fulfill my desire to help people in need. With everything in me, I want to defend and fight for those who are weary or who lack the right resources. I want to guide the lost, to provide compassion and company, a hand to hold, an ear to listen.

I am drawn to the underdog-type of person; to the quiet ones who don’t see their potential, to the ones who have been brought down and are in need of a “boost”. Many people undermine the abilities of those who appear to be less able or who lack the higher resources that this century has deemed “necessary” to be successful. People are full of potential, it’s simply a matter of shining light on, or uncovering what it is. It’s really not as complicated as you may think it is… I believe it’s all in the subtleties. As a matter of fact, there is a psychological term, the “self-fulfilling prophecy” which states that a prediction may directly or indirectly cause itself to become true, due to positive feedback between belief and behavior. In other words, a self-fulfilling prophecy begins with a belief or an encouragement that spirals into reality. If you show someone you believe in them, they will believe they can succeed and they will act it out. So, you envision others as who they could be and they fulfill that vision without even consciously being aware of it. Simple, isn’t it? And it really works.

As a young teenager, I was always drawn to organisations with the goal of helping others (especially kids) in bad environments of abuse or poverty or mental health advocacies, and even animal shelters. I realize that the thing they all have in common is the injustice or the helplessness factor. Everyone deserves an equal chance, and given the right resources, every being can excel beyond your expectations.

So here’s a story I will carry with me forever… I was 17 years old, eager, and very involved with World Vision, a global non-profit organization. I had a big dream to travel abroad and help the less fortunate in poor countries. I was aware of the implications and realized it was an unrealistic dream for me at that point of my life. So I found a couple of ways to help out in the ways that I could. I volunteered one night with World Vision and spent the night talking to strangers about sponsoring a child. There were piles and piles of these children from all across the world, and seeing this hit me SO hard.

As I was going through the piles, I came across one toddler in Bolivia who was clearly underweight, malnourished, and her parents seeking any help they can get. My heart instantly sank upon reading her story. At that moment, I was overwhelmed with this need… I didn’t know how, but I just knew I had to sponsor this little girl. I tried to talk myself out of it, but that tug in my heart just could not be shaken. And no matter how much my brain and its logical thinking was telling me not to, I knew something greater was at work there. As you may or may not know, I ended up doing it. I took a leap of faith and I just did it. I sponsored Jhenyfer. I went home that day and told myself I’d cancel my phone plan and keep applying for jobs. The following day, I got a call from one of the jobs I had applied to nearly one year ago. From then on, everything literally just fell right into place. Moral of the story: when your heart is in the right place, things will always work out. Just have a little bit of faith.

The plot twist: this little girl and her family continue to give me so much more than I could have ever imagined giving her. I am SO fulfilled by fulfilling others. And sometimes you just have to take a leap, and trust the process. I wish to be successful enough to live comfortably and to help those in need the best way that I could.

“God give us the strength and the courage to be the people you called us to be, to be light in dark places. That we might truly love others the same way You have loved us.”

Everything that comes from us, be all to the glory of your mighty name Jesus.

[runningwitches]

A Comforting Hug (Tim Drake x Platonic!Reader)

Summary: The reader’s father returns after years of abuse and abandoning her family. Instead of dealing with their shit, she turns to her best friend Tim for comfort. 

Request?: Nope

Word Count: 1495

A/N: This was definitely based off of a true story and I definitely wrote it in an hour while sobbing my eyes out and wishing I had someone that cared about me because my emotionally abusive father returned and my mom is too self-invested and naive to realize that my brothers and I don’t want him in our lives. 

Warnings: Mentions of emotional abuse, deadbeat dad?, its completely unedited, super self-insert-y. It’s just really bad just fyi

I’m so tired of this. He can’t keep getting away with stuff like that. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to my brothers. We spent years living with his crazy ass but when he left, it still hurt. Now he comes back, back into our lives, after we finally thought we got rid of him. And mom? She just lets him! It’s like he never cheated on her, it’s like he never left her behind, it’s like he didn’t spend years emotionally abusing her children. It’s so god damn frustrating. But this, This was the last straw.

I’m the youngest of three kids. My two older brothers are 10 and 6 years older than me, and I’m currently 16 years old. The middle brother, Alex, turned 22 three days ago. Five days ago our father popped back into our life for a ‘visit.’ As if any of us wanted to see him. The only ones in this family that still like him are my mom and my oldest brother, and both of them can only barely handle his crap. It was bad enough when my father threw a temper tantrum (Yes, my adult father threw a temper tantrum). My oldest brother, John, didn’t let my father use his pass to the zoo when my mother wanted to go, because he already had plans to go to the zoo that same day. It wasn’t my father’s pass, and he had never paid for it, yet here he was, throwing a fit -in public may I add- about it. It was completely unreasonable.

But now? Now he’s crossed the line. My mother had planned a birthday dinner for Alex. It was supposed to be a nice family gathering. Me, my mom, John, Alex, and Alex’s girlfriend, Sophia. But she decided that it wouldn’t be complete without our father (despite the fact that out of the three of us, Alex was the one with the most issues with him and that he has made it completely clear that he will not see him). Then she straight up lied to his face saying that our father wasn’t coming. When I confirmed that he was, indeed, planning on joining us to our brother’s birthday dinner, Alex understandably said he wasn’t planning on coming anymore. My mother decided that his feelings weren’t valid. She decided the only feelings that mattered in the family were those of the parents. So she went off on him (via text) about how ungrateful he is and that he should be more considerate of the feelings of others. Needless to say, Alex and I were mad. John was a bit more lenient with our father, though I suppose that’s because his personality is more similar, so he went to pick up our mom (who was trying to escape from our father who was throwing another temper tantrum). Alex and I both knew what was going to come once she got home. An onslaught of the most aggressive passive aggression you would ever see.

So we did the only thing we could do. We left. We got changed and he drove me to my best friend’s house before heading to Sophia’s.

My best friend. Tim, Tim Drake. You’ve probably heard of him, the adopted son of Bruce Wayne. I’ve known him forever. I was there for him when his parents never were. When they spent their time travelling, instead of with their son. I was there helping him document pictures of Batman, Robin, and Nightwing. I was the first (and only) to know when he became Robin.  I was there for him when his parents were poisoned, when his mother died. I was there for him when he was banned from being Robin by his father. I was there for him when his father died. And in return he was there for me. He was there for me when my parents forgot to pick me up from school (their lack of money not allowing budget for a nanny). He was there when they emotionally abused me, whether it was telling me I wasn’t good enough, forcing me into situations I wasn’t comfortable in, or turning the situation around and attempting to play the victim. He always reassured me that it wasn’t my fault. He was there for me when my father left. When I felt awful that I was happy he was gone, but also when I was sad that our family wasn’t enough for him. We were two halves of the same whole. So when my life began to fall apart upon my father’s return. When my life began to feel like a shitshow despite the fact that I had been truly happy for the first time ever this past year. I knew I could turn to Tim.

I walked up to the door of Wayne Manor. Though I usually told Tim before came over, I knew most of his family (especially Alfred) would be understanding of me just showing up. So I knocked on the door.

Alfred opened the door with a smile on his face, “Miss (Y/N). What a nice surprise. Are you here to see Master Tim?”

I thought for a second before deciding, “I-I um, I was actually wondering if I would be able to stay over for a day or two. There’s just some-uh-stuff going on at home that I’d rather not be there for right now,” I told him. My voice was shy and it was clear that he noticed I was nervous to ask. Not only was this one of the first times I’ve been over unprompted, it would also be the first time staying over when I wasn’t invited. Maybe they were busy and didn’t have time for me. But it was too late, I couldn’t take it back. 

Alfred’s response was immediate, which was immensely reassuring. “Of course Miss (Y/N)! You’re always welcome in our home,” Alfred told me with a soft smile, avoiding the topic of what happened at my house. He always knew the right thing to say, and so he was right in assuming I didn’t wish to talk about it. “Though I see you don’t have your bag, I’m sure Master Tim or Master Damian wouldn’t mind sharing some clothing with you.”

“Thank you so much Alfred.”

“Here, sit down, I’ll grab you something to eat and then go prepare your room for the night.”

“Really, thank you.”

“It’s truly not a big deal Miss (Y/N). Like I said, you are always welcome here.” He walked away from me into the kitchen and brought out a plate of (Y/F/F). Years of spending time with Tim at the manor means Alfred knows me almost as well as Tim does, so seeing my favorite food on the plate wasn’t a surprise. Especially because Alfred knew I was feeling down. I gave him a small, but genuine, smile and dug in as he went to prepare a room for the night. As he walked up the stairs I heard him say something to someone and soon enough Tim was sitting next to me. He knew something was wrong the instant he saw that I was picking at my food, only taking small bites occasionally. Usually I would be stuffing my face full of Alfred’s amazing cooking, especially when he made (Y/F/F).

I set my fork down, sighing and leaned my head on Tim’s shoulder. He just picked me up, carried me to the living room, placed me on the couch, and then settled comfortably next to me. He wrapped me in a hug and I shoved my face into the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent and trying not to cry. I didn’t even have to say anything for Tim to know the whole story. Not only did he already know my father was in town, but he was also already one of the top detectives in Gotham at the age of 17.

We sat there in the living room of the Manor in each other’s embrace for what felt like hours but was probably more accurately a few minutes. A few stray tears rolled down my cheeks as he whispered that everything would be okay and stroked my hair. We had mastered this form over the many years we had known each other, each of us needing comfort from our unfortunate situations more often than a child probably should.

We didn’t even notice as the rest of the family returned from their outing, they knew we were each other’s rocks and it wasn’t the first time any of them had seen us like that. They simply observed for a few moments, taking in the scene before moving on with their day. As it got later he carried me into his room, gave me some clothes to change into, and returned to our comforting position.

Eventually we fell asleep wrapped up in each other.

[xstrange-weatherx-blog]

survey 3

101 Thought Provoking Questions 1. Do you like who you are? yes, but there’s always room for improvement 2. What would people say about you at your funeral? depends if I have a funeral, they’re expensive. they’d probably say this shit is expensive. 3. What would you regret not doing in your life? being myself 4. What’s the wisest thing you have ever heard someone say? it Is what it is 5. What lessons in life did you learn to hard way? Many, and I still am!  I had to grow up fast because my mom passed when I was 21/22 6. How often do your biggest worries and fears come true? as often as I will them into being... 7. If you had one year left to live, what would you try to achieve? do everything ever with my husband we ever wanted to do ever! 8. Do you serve money or does money serve you? a bit of both 9. Are you afraid of being your true self around others? Why? trust, once someone has broken my trust it’s hard to open up and be me around others because who knows if they would break my trust as well. 10. What are you grateful for? John 11. Have you done anything you are proud of lately? working on my confidence and learning new skills 12. Have you made any recent acts of kindness? yes, I pick things up for my coworker when she drops them cos its hard for her to reach down etc. 13. If you knew that you would die tomorrow, what questions would you ask yourself? how many things can I fit into the next few hours w/John 14. If your biggest fears came true, would it matter in five years from now? no, it wouldn’t. 15. How would you describe yourself? down to earth, unless i’m going manic. 16. Do you take people’s advice? Sometimes! I can be gullible 17. Do you get quickly offended? sometimes yes, depends on where the snarky comments are coming from and if its worth being offended 18. Do you consider yourself to be a likable person? yes 19. ‘We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give’ – What does this mean to you? don’t take things or others for granted 20. Are you enriching the lives of others? I feel I am! 21. Are you living a meaningful life? yes, I like to be there for people. 22. What makes a meaningful life? one that’s spent enjoying yourself. 23. Would you ever give up your life to save another? yes. 24. How much would you be willing to sacrifice for people in poverty? enough to where they could get by and I could still get by myself. 25. If you could live one day over and over again, what would you choose to do? choose the day where I hugged john for the first time on my porch. 26. Do you think you are important and worthy of affection and love? I think everyone is. 27. What would make you feel more worthy? What do you believe needs to be different about you? just my confidence level, and assertiveness. 28. What brings you down the most often? my family. 29. Would you rather work less (and do the things you enjoy) and have less money? no, i’d rather work more, have more money and jam pack adventures in when I can to still do the things I enjoy! 30. Where do you find peace? anywhere with john 31. What is the most important quality you look for in another person? honesty. 32. What is your biggest dream in life? to live with john forever like two vampires. centuries and centuries. 33. What is your biggest fear? that i’ll die young. 34. How would the world be different if you had never been born? I think friends and family would be different because they never had the chance to know me, but the world would be the same. 35. What life lessons do you wish you knew 10 years ago? SO many I can’t list. 36. If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be? It gets better and clearer, and you’re not alone. 37. If your life was a movie, what would the title be? I know Bambi is already a movie, but I can’t think of a more fitting one. 38. If your life was a movie, would you enjoy watching it? yes, I love movies this way i’d be able to critique myself as well and fix things about myself. 39. What does success mean to you? Figuring things out, and excelling at what you do in all aspects. 40. If you could be a different person, who would you be? Katharine isabelle duh 41. What was the best day of your life? Why? meeting john, because he truly saved me and still saves me. 42. What do you look forward to most in life? each day. 43. What bad habits do you want to ditch? my diet, I have acid reflux and I need to start following the reflux diet and be healthy. 44. Who do you look up to and why? Katharine and the soskas because they achieve their goals and go at it with so much enthusiasm 45. Do you know your partners love language? yes I speak john fluently 46. Do the people you love most know how much you love them? yes I believe they do! 47. Are you satisfied with the depth of your relationships? definitely. I have my husband and a few close friends and that’s all I need. 48. What do you owe yourself? to take it easy on myself and not beat myself up so much mentally 49. Based on your current day-to-day life, what do you expect to achieve in 5 years from now? hopefully i’ll have two corgis with john, i’ll understand the hotel business better and maybe have a consistent hobby. 50. Do you say ‘yes’ too often when you really want to say ‘no’? Why? out of nervousness 51. What did you learn yesterday? that I need to take time to be outside in the fresh air. 52. What do you like about yourself? my ambition and creativity. 53. Would you consider yourself to be a generous person? yes sometimes. 54. Do you really listen when people talk to you? HAHA. I try my hardest but sometimes things just go over my head. 55. What is the number one change you need to make in your life this year? I need to exercise more consistently 56. How many hours per week do you spend on the internet? I don’t know 57. What are your most common negative thoughts? Are they logical? they’re not logical in the least, and i’m not even bringing them up. 58. Do you think it’s too late to do certain things in your life? Why? it’s not too late. 59. If you could be the most influential person in the world, what would you change? I would try to change peoples perspectives on life and death 60. How much time do you spend with your family and friends? a fair amount 61. Where do you want to be in 5 years from now? napping with my hubby and corgis 62. Is your life complicated by unnecessary things? yes, by racing thoughts and mania, sometimes my ocd. 63. How can you simplify your life and focus on the most important things to you? try to stay in the moment 64. What stresses you out? lots of little things. grocery stores being one. brightly lit, crowded packed in places drive me up the wall. 65. What makes life easier? John. 66. How often do you give without expecting anything in return? often enough to still feel respected. 67. What is your greatest challenge? listening and remembering 68. What is most important to you in life? Are you giving it the time it deserves? John is the most important in my life, and yes we make the time! 69. If you could send a message to the world, what would you say in 30 seconds? it is what it is 70. What do you most regret never telling someone? I don’t 71. When was the last time you tried something new? a few weeks ago I tried watercolor 72. Are you afraid to speak your own opinion? depends on who i’m talking to. 73. Do you give into others too often and feel resentful because of it? sometimes i do, i think that’s natural. 74. Are you holding onto something that you need to put behind you? always lol. 75. How often do you let your fears hold you back? i try my best not to, so not often. 76. Do the people in your life bring the best out of you? yes! 77. How often do you make excuses? i made a lot of them before i knew i was bipolar i would blame others for things or make excuses 78. What is one mistake that you will never do again? trust my family 79. Which is worse, failing or never giving it a shot?never giving it a shot 80. What has grown you the most as a person – your challenges and trials or the comfortable yet enjoyable moments in life? challenges and trials. 81. If you could choose to have no more challenges or obstacles in life, would you? no, because that would make things boring. 82. In one word, what is standing between you and your biggest goal? idk 83. How often do you go to bed feeling angry? not often 84. Would it be wrong to steal in order to feed a starving child? depends 85. If you paid more attention to the sad things in this world, would you feel more conflicted about it? yes, its hard to accept things like that. 86. If we learn from our failures, then why is it so bad to fail? it feels bad in the moment. 87. What could you pay more attention to in life? lots of things 88. Why do we think of others the most when they’re no longer around? possibly we take them for granted 89. What does it look like to make the most of your life? Happy 90. What have you given up on? connecting with my moms side of the family 91. How many people do you truly love and what are you doing for them? 92. Do you ask enough questions, or are you happy to settle for what you already know? a bit of both. 93. What were you doing when you last lost track of time? this survey 94. Do you think you would be happy if you never had to work again? no i like working because not working you’ll get bored eventually. 95. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? like 6. 96. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be? to just zap know everything i need to at my new job. 97. What inspires you in life? my husband, my friends 98. What can you not live without the most? ....water 99. What do you enjoy doing over and over again? watching movies 100. When did you last laugh so much it hurt? when i was tired and john was making me giggle. 101. What is stopping you from living the life you want to live? only myself

[brookekalyn-blog1]

Tyler James Truett: 10/26/92 - 04/05/17

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit” -Psalm 34:18 I was always excited about a baby coming into our family, never really knowing what the true meaning of being an Aunt would be like. I remember everyone always giggling when my parents would say, “Brooke and Derek are about to be an Aunt and Uncle”. I never really knew what was so funny until I would tell my 5 and 6-year-old friends I was becoming an Aunt. They would look at me and ask, “how is that possible?” Haha!! Even as the year’s passed, I still would get asked the same question. I just knew whatever the title I was about to hold, I was going to love being called Aunt and love being an Aunt. October 26, 1992, I was standing on my neighbor’s porch ringing the doorbell to see if they could play after school. I could hear my mom hollering for me to get home. As I got to our drive-way my mom said, “get in the car, your sister is about to have Tyler.” I was so excited, I could barely contain myself. I remember that day so vividly, I was sitting in the waiting room still in my school uniform waiting for those double doors to open. I was so excited I couldn’t stop smiling, going from one chair to the next. My dad was pacing the hall of the waiting room, back and forth. Then those double doors opened, out came Tyler’s dad, James. He was holding the most perfect 9 pounds 10-ounce baby I had ever seen. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on him, play with him, make him my baby doll. After what seemed hours of waiting, they finally opened the nursery window for us to see him. It was our first time seeing him all spread out, we looked at my parents and said, “Where is the baby? He looks like a toddler”. He had this big melon head, big hands, big feet, and was so long! When I finally got to get my hands on him, I fell in love. I realized what it truly meant to love something unconditionally, even at such an early age. As the years went on, I grew to adore everything about him. I tried to always find reasons to go spend the night with my sister or simply just go for a little while, I couldn’t get enough of him. Then his little brother, Nicholas David came along. My world seemed complete, even though I wanted so badly for him to be a girl. That’s when I knew I had an amazing job and title, that everything I ever heard growing up was true. Being an Aunt is an amazing feeling, it’s almost like an achievement, it was something I truly honored. It didn’t come easy though, as the boys became toddlers, I had to literally MAKE THEM like me. For some reason they liked my brother, their Uncle Derek more than me. Even AFTER the time he accidentally busted Tyler’s head open. I ran as fast as my little feet would go, running and screaming for my mom and sister. I think we cried more than Tyler, if I remember correctly the tough kid never shed a tear. When Tyler got back from having to get 6 staples in his head, first thing out of his mouth, “I look like a Ninja Turtle” (his head was wrapped all around in gauze). He also at points in his life, burned the entire palm of his hand on a light bulb, ate magnolia tree seeds (of course in the care of my Dad and I), drank motor oil, and the list goes on. But he never gave anyone problems when we would have to rush him to his many Emergency Room visits. He always was so positive and full of life. When I started to have kids, Tyler was never sure how to feel about it at first. I knew no matter what, he was going to love being a cousin. I of course was not wrong about that, when he first met John-William he wouldn’t hold him, scared he would hurt him because he was so much bigger than “the kid”. But as John-William got a little bigger, he was all about John-William. Even at times when Tyler would forget how big he truly was and give John-William concussions from time to time, haha! Then Kenzi came along, he adored her more than I could image. He sat in my drive-way waiting for me to get home from the hospital with her, once he met her it was love at first sight. That is around the time I could never get rid of him, staying here weeks at a time. I wasn’t allowed to dress Kenzi in certain things or act a certain way. Those three became in separable; Tyler, Kenzi, and John-William drove me crazy at times!! When Liam came around, he was a pro at the whole cousin thing. He was ready to do and act however with Liam, he knew he had no limits with them anymore. Because let’s face it, Tyler became a BIG ole’ boy and I for sure wasn’t going to stop him, so who would? Throughout Tyler’s years we learned we had an amazing young man on our hands. That our family had more than just a Son, Grandson, Nephew, and Cousin. He defined the true meaning of, “Heart of Gold”. Tyler never met a stranger, never thought he was above anyone, was always willing to be there for anyone at any time, and always wanted to help others. In High School, Tyler played on the football team but he hung out with everyone. Being on the team didn’t limit him to thinking he had to stay in the “jock world”, he wanted to meet as many people as he could and be friends with them all. We have met a lot of people throughout this all who have told us, “I was a no body in school, but Tyler always was there for me.” That is something that will make you prouder than anything you could possibly imagine. It makes you realize how truly amazing some kids still are. Every football game him and Nick played, we were in those stands, personalized shirts and all. We were THOSE PEOPLE. Tyler and Nick never minded one bit, Nick is a little shyer than Tyler so of course we would always only get a big wave and smile from Tyler from the side lines. They made us so proud, it was like our entire world sat on cloud 9. The night Tyler had Senior night, the sky was so clear, he was so happy, and we were all so proud. No one seemed to be able to stop smiling that night. Then Graduation came, oh how that hurt my heart. I couldn’t believe my little big Nephew was an adult. We weren’t ready for it, but we knew he had amazing things to come in his future. Tyler was always so much wiser beyond his years. He knew what he wanted in life and when he wanted it. If there was ever something he wanted to do or want, he didn’t wait around for it. His go to attitude was always, “f*** it, let’s do it” or “f*** that, let’s go”. You couldn’t tell him, let’s think it out or maybe that is not the best idea. Once his mind was set, it was set. There was no stopping him, he loved to live life to the fullest. Always wanting to reach further than the day before, that is something he even tried to pass on to others around him. He was a motivator, he pushed people past their limits. “No” was never an option, “I can’t” wasn’t acceptable, “I could never do that” was appalling, ”I wish” was you will and “I’m not sure” was you better figure it out and right now! Helping people become more than the person themselves thought they could become, is what Tyler thrived on. Seeing things in people, that no one else or them self could see. Tyler always saw the good in others, so of course he would help people get to the point he knew they had in them. Almost like he was God sent for those who sometimes couldn’t see the light in their own future. Passionate about anything he did, he became passionate about his work, Welding. From high school on he was always told he was a, “jam up welder”. He took pride in that, he loved to teach others what he knew and was always so patient with them. Welding became first nature to him, it just came easy to him. He knew from early on that is something he was passionate about and wanted to do. It was almost like a talent, which we are proud of him for. We created this bond, a bond that was unbreakable. A bond that most didn’t get, that some didn’t want to get, some didn’t understand, and well…we didn’t care. It was a bond that could never be broken, it was actually a high at times to know I accomplished from trying to FORCE him to like me, to him just simply liking his Aunt or as he started to call me, Auntie. There were times we would laugh until we cried, times he would scare me so badly I could of throat punched him but I was too scared of him, times I felt safe so I could take on the world because I had my side kick, times he was there just to give me his big bear hugs, times only he could talk sense into me, and then there were times we didn’t see eye to eye…but that’s what made us, US! Slowly that bond broke into Nick, which Nick still owes me a tattoo of my face on his chest (LOL). Tyler brought Nick out of his shell, those were some of the best days of our lives seeing another side of Nick. And if you didn’t like Nick, you weren’t friends with Tyler and for dang sure couldn’t date Tyler. Adulthood approached, nothing much changed other than he started becoming a man. A man that most would envy to become. A man that was so outstanding, he never knew how amazing he really was. He defined the word, Man. He defined a lot of amazing characteristics. I truly cannot express or put into words who he had become. He was simply just, Our Ty Ty and we knew what we had. Then he met his wife, Jardyn. We learned a whole new side of Tyler, we learned he was not only an amazing man to the people around him, but he also knew how to be an amazing husband. A supporter, a motivator, and everything you look for in a husband, plus some. You never heard him raise his voice to her, cut her down, or even tell her no…lol! Now, he WOULD laugh at her from time to time when she had her “blonde moments”. He would do his typical laugh and shake his head in disbelief. He didn’t do that to her as much as he did to his Grammie though, he stayed confused by her! April 5, 2017, the day that has brought so much heartache, pain, disbelief, and shock to so many that knew him. The day that has shaken us all down to the core. It is like a nightmare no one seems to be able to wake up from. It’s a day that I hate to even say, it’s a day that I pretend doesn’t even exist. Every day I cry in pain, I lay around and wonder why and wonder if we can just have him back. It seems so dark without him, in all actuality it is. He was the light of so many people’s lives. The pain is unbearable, it doesn’t go away. The call you receive when something like this happens, plays in your head every single day almost all day. I remember being on that hospital floor screaming and crying, knowing this had to all be wrong or some type of test from God to see how much he really means to us. Like some type of miracle was going to happen. He has a wife, a family, friends, and co-workers who needed him. Or more like just wanted him around. You are almost put into a state of shock, a shock that you can’t shake off. Your world crashes around you and you don’t seem to know how to put the pieces of it back together because there is a large chunk of that puzzle forever missing. We saw him in that casket but it still just didn’t seem real, I just needed him to not be in that spot. I needed him to be alive, here, with us, and enjoying life. That is what he loved most, life. He loved life so much it beamed on his face. I look at pictures of him and wonder, how can my life go on? How does anyone go on without him? How in the world is this even real life? Can someone just give him back to us now? We get it, we understand the pain so let us be done with it and give him back. Then reality all hits again that this is reality. We don’t get him back. We don’t get to see him again. We don’t get to talk to him again. We don’t get to have him walk through our door again. We get nothing from him, ever again!! It is a fighting battle that I don’t know how we have done already for 7 weeks, but we have. We have lived in the motion, day by day, minute by minute, second by second. In every one of those motions, he is still on our minds and in our thoughts. I can almost hear his voice and laugh at times. I can hear, “Auntie Brookie” from time to time when I think about him and that brings the most comfort. One of the hardest things about losing someone you love, is reliving it every single morning. Remembering this is real life and that you have to get up and put on a “pretend” smile to get you through the day. Our Tyler is forever gone and that is something we will have to learn to accept, but not a second goes by that he will ever be forgotten. It is an enormous weight on our chests daily, but that weight will somehow one day feel lighter and it will just be a piece of Tyler sitting on our hearts! “Even though I walk through the darkest valleys…you are with me” –Psalm 23:4

[memyself5022]

It’s 3am and I’m awake because a perfect storm of shitty events and biological factors and very specific circumstances have brought me back again to the point I enevitably find myself at a few times a year. Does its relative infrequency diminish its legitimacy? Or is it its circumstantial nature that makes it less clinically significant? Either way it makes me feel like everything up to this point has been a lie and that the only way out is either never sleeping, or going to sleep forever.  And you know what else? I have to work hard to keep its frequency below monthly, or even daily. So that surely counts for something. Anyway. Never sleeping it is tonight. Does that mean something? I’m simultaneously incredibly awake and brain dead. Do you know the feeling? Do you want to hear what I’m hearing?

1. You’re a doofus, he’s a doofus, you’re both fucking idiots. At least he isn’t actually a self aware, sensitive, emotionally intelligent and selfless person. You are and it makes your doofusery even more infuriating and unforgivable. You told him he was a stupid idiot for letting me go and wow guess what here you are doing the saaaaaaaame bullshit years later WOW SHOCK ME. Side note UNLEARN ALL THIS TOXIC SHIT YOU USE TO AVOID FACING YOURSELF AND THOSE WHO WANT TO LOVE YOU PLS because lord knows I am not up for another unpaid internship whereby I teach a 28 year old man how not to be an insufferable 12 year old who refuses to take responsibility for his own emotional growth and gives literally zero in return. TU,N. 

2. Ariana Grande is great. An inspiration to us all. Obviously. 

3. I’m sorry I forget about you. Truly, you’re a wonderful person and I can’t fathom how you’ve come out of everything not being an absolute dickhole like your dickhole brothers. I hope I haven’t made you lose your kindness and I hope you don’t drink so much red bull any more. I’ll always love you. Really. 

4. Can you not? Like honestly I know I’ve been a bit ‘much’ over the years but seriously can you just be a normal fucking friend for once? Maybe you never cared that much about me and I blew/blow everything out of proportion, but I don’t think so. There have been too many teary nights and slips of the tongue and eerie coincidences for it to be simply an annoyance that you’re happy to let slide. But maybe not lol. I don’t KNOW JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH HERE. surely I’ve done enough in this particular unpaid internship for you to be at least AWARE that you should just tell me to fuck off if you want me to fuck off, or tell me you can’t or don’t want to or whatever. So it’s either you don’t really care whether I’m in your life or not OR you’re madly in love with me and I mean sure but like can you just fucking give me something?? Or just be an adult and try to take this wherever you want it to go? Who am I to you? I don’t know why but I can’t handle this just fading into obscurity, and I feel like maybe you’re one of the only people that I feel that way about and wow does that have an elusive explanation bc lord knows I cannot ever fucking ever see myself having you be a steady, reliable and real presence in my life. I just want to drink beers with you and talk about sex and why I’m Elaine and you’re simultaneously Jerry and Kramer and like maybe even go to Mexico together and be each other’s wingmen and do lots of coke OK IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?? I don’t love you by the way. Not like that anyway. Is that why you fuck off every time you get a girlfriend? 

5. Can I just live in a Japanese garden with Loki but like a version of Loki that likes to go on walks and hold hands with me when I’m sleeping? Even if it’s just regular Loki that’s ok too bc he’s great. His front legs are really long when he lies down like he is right now and it’s lovely. I’m scared I might break my teeth one day from clenching too hard. 

6. I think I hate my job. And any job I might have next. Don’t you hate that. Maybe I just hate here and there and them and him and her and everyone but who the fuck knows. If I was Virginia would I be happy? Probably not. If I just became a florist or a painter or a potter would I be happy? Probably not. I think the answer to any similar question would be probably not so it’s probably an entirely futile exercise. Moving on. 

7. I’m thinking about the time I first saw you after England (I think?) and we hugged in the street and you picked me up and twirled me around in front of whatever loser deadbeat friend’s house it was. That was real fucking nice and one of the times I think I’ve felt the most in my life. You’d laugh at that I’m sure. And I’m almost entirely certain you wouldn’t even remember it. Who are you? Do you even know? Tonight is one of the nights that I’d prefer those terrible fucking awful months and years to what I have now. Just so I could feel connected enough to something that it could hurt me so badly. You couldn’t hurt me at all anymore (especially not tonight) and that really really makes me want to die. Gross. What’re you like? Are you as happy as she makes you both seem?

8. I could probably do away with literally everyone in my life right now bar you two. Is that sad? Is that normal? Is my work laptop charger at your house somewhere?

9. LOL @ the credit card debt that’s coming my way in the next 2 months. Adding to it is the way I choose to cope with it right now and I think I’m okay with that. 

10. Man I reaaaalllly don’t want to see you this year but I guess I can’t change that. Let’s hope everyone ends up realising what I’ve realised sometime soon. Honestly you’ve made me feel really shit so many times over the years and you would have zero clue, do you ever examine the way you interact with people? Do you have as much of a sense of self importance as it seems like you do? Do you realise I kind of hate you and the way you’ve made me feel, especially with this latest bullshit? Dunno man. How much do you ~really~ self reflect? How much do you actually listen? Maybe I’m just jealous of you. That’s highly likely. 

11. I will appreciate what I have because of you and the kindnesses you continually demonstrate instead of focusing on how self involved and wasteful and judgemental and completely insufferable you are. Easy. 

12. I need to go see a crystal healer or some shit. Maybe tomorrow. Sleep now? 

13. Oh yeah and I’m really sad about tumblr getting rid of all its porn and how that will probably mean I don’t use it much any more.

14. I wish that I could be someone that is not me reading all of these now and know what picture it paints of who I am. I think I wish for those things more than most people. Is that narcissistic?

15. OH AND LOL I had a dream last night that my cunt of a boss’ baby actually turned out to be a lemur. How good.

17. I saw a picture of you recently and you look happier and fatter and jollier and I’m glad for you. I think I could be your friend now.

18. I think it’s time to go live in Amsterdam with Clark and Michael. Bye.

[ethelbertpaul444-blog]

Guy Loses More Than Half His Body Weight Following Mum’s Suicide

UNILAD A guy has lost more than half of his body weight determined to make his mum ‘proud’ following her suicide. 27-year-old Samuel Brereton from Melbourne, Australia, lost his mother in 2014 when she took her own life leaving him heartbroken. Knowing his weight was a concern of hers throughout life, Sam started his journey towards change in 2015. UNILAD That year – at his heaviest – Sam weighed nearly 29 stone (406lbs/184kg). Now having lost an incredible 17 stone, Sam weighs 12 stone (168lbs/76kg), losing more than half of his previous body weight. At his lightest Sam weighed 10 stone but has since got a personal trainer who has helped him build muscle and achieve a comfortable weight. Speaking exclusively to UNILAD, Sam explained how his mother’s death motivated him to begin his weight loss mission. UNILAD He said: I have been overweight since 2006. After my grandmother passed away in 2007, my mother became heavily depressed so she often just left me to my own devices regarding diet and exercise. From that point I just slowly ballooned and got bigger and bigger. It really just snowballed from there. I found her and though she had already passed away I attempted CPR to no avail. We’d been living together as mother and son for the 10 or so years since her divorce in 2005, so we were incredibly close. Mum was always worried about my weight but I never really knew how much until after she passed. I desperately searched for a suicide note, or any sort of reasoning or message from her. Sam continued: Unfortunately I didn’t find anything other than her stories of regret, worry and anxiety regarding me. Pages of writings about how she was worried I would die and that people ridiculed her for my weight and doctor’s warnings that I’d die before her. Knowing that my mother may or may not have killed herself because of me, made it click that my weight was a heartbreaking concern and must have made her life a misery due to the constant worry. UNILAD Swapping McDonald’s for fruit and vegetables and fizzy drinks for water, Sam changed his whole diet and began counting calories. Sam started doing food prep and being conscious of what he was eating, and allowed himself a treat every now and again ‘just to keep myself sane’. Before his transformation Sam didn’t exercise at all but by initially walking 10,000 steps a day – rain or shine – he worked his way towards regularly attending a gym and working out with a personal trainer. UNILAD Not only does Sam feel healthier physically, but he told UNILAD he is also feeling better ‘mentally’ and ‘more confident’ when he looks in the mirror. Sam is delighted with himself for ‘choosing to do something positive instead of wallowing in self-pity’. He also added he knows he has made his mum Jan proud: I loved my mother to the moon and back, and I truly regret the bad times, but I also remember the good times. I truly miss her, and I imagine the look on her face if she were to see me now, and I hope that she is happy where I am now. I wish I could take everything back and just hug her one last time. I am ashamed at my old self and how it made Mum feel. Now that I’m at a comfortable weight, I honestly feel the best I’ve felt in 15 years. No way I will go back to that, I won’t let myself. The guilt from how it affected others, especially my mother, keep me on the positive path, and probably will do for the rest of my life. UNILAD Sam admitted whenever he struggled during his journey hitting a wall, he simply remembered his mum which gave him the motivation to continue. He concluded: The memory of my mother kept me going. There were times where I fell off the wagon, but I crawled back on. I didn’t have anything to lose other than the weight. I just thought of Mum, and I didn’t need anything else to inspire me. Congratulations Sam! If you’ve been affected by any of these issues, and want to speak to someone in confidence, please don’t suffer alone. Call Samaritans for free on their anonymous 24-hour phone line on 116 123. If you have a story you want to tell send it to UNILAD via stories@unilad.co.uk. To license this article contact licensing@unilad.co.uk Read more: unilad.co.uk http://dailybuzznetwork.com/index.php/2018/07/16/guy-loses-more-than-half-his-body-weight-following-mums-suicide/

[mistfvlly]

Everything that is wrong with me

20th September 2017: I was writing a post when the tumblr app shut on me. I was about to post it as well so I'm kinda angry about that but whatever. I thought it may have saved onto my drafts but it hasn't, however I've found this which I never posted. So I'll post it now. It's unfinished but idek what i was going to write next so i'll just post it now anyway. Enjoy, future self.

START OF POST

It’s been a long ass time and I need to vent again. It’s a wonder that I can actually survive without writing up shitty depressing posts such as these. I mean I can be so positive but I honestly don’t give off that vibe here. oh well, I’m anonymous so it doesn’t matter. So much has happened since the last time I was here, in fact I cannot even remember the last thing I posted. But I want to talk about my feelings right now. I hope that writing all this down will help me calm down a little. So where do I begin?

Yesterday, my dad sent me a photo of a job advertising board at a retail shop. And today he made me write up a CV so I can apply for it. Well first of all I had no idea what to write since I have practically no experience. Funnily enough, I couldn’t even talk about myself on the CV. I guess I’m now so used to be so personal and casual on here that I don’t actually know how to write formally anymore and that kinda sucks. Tbh I want to take an English class again because a) I wasn’t happy with my GCSE result and b) that makes me think I suck at English despite it being my best subject and therefore I want to improve and become confident again in my writing skills. Anyway, that’s beside the point, but basically I had no idea what to write. My dad went out and came back in the evening only to realise that I actually hadn’t written much and that disappointed him, surprise surprise. He sorta nagged at me whilst giving me tips and I wrote like 4 lines and then showed him what I wrote. Eventually we sat down together and wrote the CV up because I’m so independent for a 17 year old :)))))))))))) Anyway, as we were writing the CV up, I became emotional but I think I hid my tears well… either that or my dad just didn’t want to mention it. He then said that I need to get over my shyness and I was like, I’m not usually shy. He was like wdym and I was like it’s just around you and with my brother and other people I’m totally fine. Yes, I’ll admit when I was arround 14 I was shy no matter who I was with but when I became 15 I went out with my brother a lot and was able to slowly talk to strangers more and more. Idk why tho it’s just around my dad that I can’t really speak to strangers. Even around my mum I can do the talking. But with my dad.. idk I feel intimidated I guess? Well anyway, he asked and I said that he can be scary and intimidating at times, which I know sounds horrible to say to your own father but hey, he asked me why. Then after talking he just sorta explained why he thinks people generally find him intimidating initially and that truly I don’t because I live with him and I know his best sides and worsts sides etcetc. Truth is, the reason why I cannot speak much to strangers around my dad is because I feel like he’d judge me if I was to say something wrong and I think partially this is because when I was younger, I was brought up in a way where I have to stay out of the ‘adult stuff’ and I used to talk a lot when I was a kid and maybe was too over confident/proud that my parents noted it and sorta told me to chill idk. I mean they didn’t shout or tell me in a harsh way but it was sort of subtle and often. Gee Idk how to explain but it but that’s my reasoning. But it sounds stupid and childish saying it out loud. Plus I can never be 100% honest and upfront to my parents because I don’t want to hurt them or make them feel bad or even make them look down on me and think that I am childish and so therefore I keep it in. Also if i do say something like that to my dad, I’ll just end up crying half way through but honestly I just wish I could say it so I can get it out of the way but a part of me thinks that he’ll brush it off and say I’m be ridiculous (and he’ll say that whilst hugging me so idk if he would actually acknowledge it or if he’s just trying to make me stop crying because he pity’s my idiocy). FUCKKK i’m tearing up ): Anyway, I printed my cv and had to go downstairs to retrieve it. Since we were talking about schools and stuff and I also had to write down my grades in my CV, i was constantly being reminded of my failure in school and whenever I think of school I remember how much of an excelling student I was in primary and gah idk. When I went down, I saw my mum doing some of her preparation for her class (both my parents are primary school teachers). Anyway, i heard some childish primary school, learning song thing. Idk how to explain it but it just suddenly triggered something. I experienced the feeling that I actually felt free from for a while. The anxious feeling thing that I get. Honestly idk what to call it because I think it would be rude to self diagnose myself. I mean I don’t even know if it is GAD. I’m just suspicious. During my last years of school I felt like this a lot, really nervous. I mean now I am nervous too whenever I think about my future, but it also saddens me. Though recently I haven’t felt as anxious as I was a couple of months ago. When I heard the song, my chest suddenly felt tight and I was feeling emotional over nothing. I really don’t understand psychology. man idek what I’m trying to say.. I’ll just skip to whatever happened next. I came to room where I am now, and I just decided to google what anxiety feels like to get a comparison

[your-kaleidoscope-girl]

Do ALL OF THEM

😳 oh yikes all of them??

1. Is a kiss considered cheating?depends on the relationship i guess. i suppose not if it’s poly. but in a monogamous relationship it also depends on the people. some think anything physical is considered cheating. personally, i think cheating can happen way before things get physical, so yeah to me a kiss would be cheating unless it was obviously completely platonic and something silly

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?i guess you could say i faked an orgasm when i lost my virginity

3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?i’d wanna be like an animorph, able to change into any animal i touch. but like not have to touch them, so i could be any animal in the world. i could turn into a fishy and swim the entire ocean. or a hawk and soar through the sky. or a cat and just be a lazy asshole

4. Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?wow that would be nice! at this rate, it’s only happen if i hit the lotto and i’ve never bought a ticket so that’s not likely

5. Tell us some funny drunk story.oh gosh. well there was this one time i went and visited my best friend at college. and we went to this party and i had jungle juice for the first time, which i didn’t realize is just a shit ton of alcohol poured together and fruit punch or something. so at one point i laughed so hard that i ended up crouching, but then i couldn’t stand up so i said to this random guy next to me “i’m going to use your shorts to pull myself up, i’m not getting frisky, i promise” suffice to say me and Kelsey were toasted af by the time we left. and at this point she lived in these off campus apartments that were a very long walk. we had to pee really bad and weren’t even halfway back to her place, so i drunkenly decided to do a sloppy wall squat against a chainlink fence with my pants pulled down and proceed to urinate on the path. not my brightest moment. we laughed about it all the way back to her apartment though

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?we broke up on a mutual agreement that neither of us were in good places and needed to work on ourselves, that this wasn’t a forever solution and that if it was meant to be we’d come back to one another sometime down the line when we were both on our right paths

7. If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? peacefully in my sleep due to old age. but honestly i’ll probably die trying to save someone from something dangerous

8. What are your current goals?just to name a few; get back to school, start my own business, move out

9. Do you like someone?i don’t just like her, i love her

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?James. he acted like a twat tonight at work and i’m severely disappointed in the way he’s been holding himself at work lately. he’s better than he’s been acting

11. Do you like your body?not really. i’m far too skinny. i’d like to get to the gym and build some muscle

12. Can you keep a diet?maybe a diet of junk food, cheese, pasta, bread, butter and steak AND BAGELs

13. If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?treat everyone as you would like to be treated and maybe this world would might get a little brighter

14. Do you work?five days a week, 40+ hours

15. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?fuck. uhm. BAGELS bc bagels can be turned into just about anything 😉

16. Would you get a tattoo?i have three already! and so many more planned

17. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?LUSH cosmetic bathbombs 😳

18. Can you drive?yessir

19. When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?Chef George tells me every day i work with him, today included 😋

20. What was the last thing you cried for?i was watching the titanic 😂

21. Do you keep a journal?yeah i’ve got a couple that i’ve written in. tumblr mostly though haha

22. Is life fun?most of the time yeah!

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?i only fart in front of people when i don’t feel well and can’t really control it. i usually manage to fart in private

24. What’s your dream car?soft blue convertible VW bug

25. Are grades in school important?personally i feel like shit when i fail, so to me yeah

26. Describe your crush.oh goodness. she’s remarkable. one of the strongest women i know, she fights every day. she gives the best hugs bc she’s not afraid to squeeze me like everyone else, and she does that almost let go but wait i need more time kinda squeezes too, and she does this thing where when we drop our arms she grabs at my waist with one hand in a half-hearted tickle kinda gesture. she has wicked beautifully expressive eyes. she doesn’t need to wear makeup bc she’s got natural beauty but when she does it’s just wow. her laugh is contagious and i can’t stop smiling when i spend time with her. she knows me better than i known myself sometimes. she makes time for me and is always there when i really need her. i can’t lie to her, she hears it in my voice, knows it by my eyes, but doesn’t force me to talk if i’m not ready. i’ve cried on her shoulder more times than i can count, she’s held me in the middle of panic attacks, reigned in my anger and told me exactly when i’m in the wrong. she’s incredible

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?codependent no more. i’m not even done, only a couple chapters in actually and it’s written with this raw truth and it’s eye opening

28. What was your last lie?i try not to lie so i can’t really remember 🤔

29. Dumbest lie you ever told? every time someone asked if i was okay and i lied and said i was fine

30. Is crying in front of people embarrassing?i fucking hate crying in front of people. i am not okay with that level of vulnerability in front of just anyone. but i also angry cry, which is annoying

31. Something you did and you are proud of?I’ve cut toxic friends out. I’m an assistant supervisor after working there for only two years, chosen above everyone else who’s worked there longer

32. What’s your favourite cocktail?i enjoy a good mai tai

33. Something you are good at?i’m a decent writer

34. Do you like small kids?in small doses they’re fun and adorable

35. How are you feeling right now?quite content, thank you

36. What would you name your daughter/son?Josephine for a little lady and Michael for my son. i’m open minded though

37. What do you need to be happy?general feeling of acceptance and love

38. Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?Karen 😤

39. What was the last gift you received?like formal gift? probably my birthday presents. but i enjoy minimal gifts, like someone paying for my coffee or grabbing the bill for a lunch we had together (but i always fight and usually win bc i hate people paying for my food). i’m thinking hard about the last gift someone got me specifically though.. hmm… i think the last gift i got was the necklace Erin got me for my birthday, engraved with the latitude/longitude of where we first met 😊

40. What was the last gift you gave?i paid for dinner when i went out with my friends thursday night?

41. What was the last concert you went to?oh boy i haven’t been to a concert since…. three years ago when i saw Scotty McCreery with Dani?

42. Favourite place to shop at?Fabletics.com !!!

43. Who inspires you?honestly all the residents at work, hearing about what they’ve done or wish they’d done and how supportive they all are when i talk about any new lavish idea i have

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?probably eighteen or nineteen

45. How old were you when you first got high?again 18 or 19 i didn’t do these things until my college years when visiting Kelsey

46. How old were you when you first had sex?i was 23 believe it or not 😲

47. When was your first kiss?i was kissing by the time i was 12 i think lol

48. Something you want to do until the end of this year? get it done by the end of the year? ah well i’d like to be able to move out. or i’d like to be with the love of my life. or both and possibly living somewhere with her?

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?i have so many regrets. but i wouldn’t change anything. every moment and choice i’ve made in the last has made me who i am today

50. Post a selfie.i’ll post one soon

51. Who are you most comfortable around?Erin, Kelsey, Ashley and Ryan

52. Name one thing that terrifies you.dying too young

53. What kind of books do you read?raunchy adult books, supernatural themes, murder mysteries, self help books

54. What would you tell your 12 year old self?people come and go, love them while they’re with you. you’re gay as fuck, embrace it sooner rather than later. don’t let your parents dictate your choices.

55. What is your favourite flower?white carnations partially dyed blue

56. Any bad habits you have?i scratch/pick my scabs

57. What kind of people are you attracted to?strong personalities with pretty faces and nice butts 🤷🏼‍♀️

58. What was the last thing you cried for?i said this before, Titanic

59. Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?calves liver, lamb, purée. working in an old folks home i see a lot of food that’s disgusting to me

60. Are you in love?i’m absolutely head over heels

61. Something you find romantic?intimate moments with candle light, deep talks, massages and food

62. How long was your longest relationship? 6 months

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?don’t get me started. petty, manipulative, emotional

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? fragile masculinity, arrogance, “friend zone”

65. What are you saving money for?everything! i’ve been saving money since i started working and it’s the smartest thing i’ve ever done. i have a safety cushion if my Jeep decides to die (which it very well might), or to use for school or whatever

66. How would you describe your bad side?insecure, selfish, self doubting and gullible

67. Are you actually a good person? Why?i’ve been told that my inner essence is so white and pure that it brought someone to tears when she saw it. she nicknamed me Angel from that moment. i’m a do-gooder, trying to save everyone i meet. i think i’m a good person

68. What are you living for?i’m still trying to figure that one out

69. Have you ever done anything illegal?what?! noo neverrrr

70. Do you like your body?didn’t i answer this earlier?

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?not that i can think of

72. Ever sent nudes?come to think of it, i don’t think i’ve sent full on nude photos before. there’s usually something covered and they’re more like “coming attractions” or teasers. but yeah, if those are considered nudes then fuck yeah man i love sending nudes to my person

73. Have you ever cheated on someone?i haven’t

74. Favourite candy?ooh that’s no fair i don’t like choosing. probably a toss up between butterfingers and milk duds though. but there’s also milky ways and ugh i just really like candy okay??

75. Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!i kinda stalk @kenzicocapontas blog on the regular but she doesn’t know that so shh

76. Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?L4D is my most favorite PC game! but also Diablo II and all of the Sims

77. Favourite TV series?Charmed 😍

78. Are you religious? Does God exist?i believe in a higher power and submit to the truth that i may never know exactly who/what it is or why things happens the way they do if there’s someone watching over us

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?didn’t i just answer this too?

80. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?props to y'all but i love me some filet mignon

81. How long have you been on Tumblr?hm my original account jmagerr i believe started in 2009 or 10

82. Do you like Chineese food?LOVE IT

83. McDonalds or Subway?both?!

84. Vodka or whiskey?vodka cranberry and jack/ginger are my go to’s

85. Alcohol or drugs?honestly not a huge fan of either

86. Ever been out of your province/state/country?only out of the state so far, haven’t left the country just yet

87. Meaning behind your blog name?just that i’m always changing

88. What are you scared of?too many things. i’m very scared of failure, it’s kind of debilitating at times

89. Last time you were insulted?bleh my period makes me a cranky baby so everything’s hurt my feelings this last week

90. Most traumatic experience ?i’ve gone through some pretty emotionally traumatic relationships; verbal abuse, manipulation, cheating. my first girlfriend really did a number on me, left me with so many self esteem issues. it’s hard to get over internalized damage

91. Perfect date idea?coming home to a house softly lit, sitting down for a small dinner together among pillows and blankets in a fort we built together giggling like kids. laying together in the cramped space, feeding each other bites of food. and then we can push away the plates of food and start up a movie, or go upstairs to take a hot bath togetheri just really like intimate domesticity. another great date could literally be shopping all day and grabbing food, doing more shopping and going home to go through all the bags together

92. Favourite app on your phone?tumblr 😋

93. What colour are the walls in your room?we painted them a light grey then sponged a darker grey over it

94. Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?actually i just use youtube for songs still

95. Share your favourite quote.“Be the change you wish to see in the world” gandhi

96. What is the meaning of life?also still trying to figure that one out

97. Do you like horror movies?yessss

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?i told her i wanted to go to therapy, that i’ve felt depressed for years and didn’t want to go to her and dad about it bc i didn’t wanna disappoint them

99. Do you feel lucky or special in a way?i feel blessed to have such a loving and understanding family. they accepted my sexuality when i went from straight to bi to lesbian and supported me even when i was considering dating a guy even though i said i was a lesbian. once i told them about my anxiety and depression they’ve been nothing but understanding, and helpful

100. Can you keep a secret?indeed i can 😊

oh boy that was a lot of work 😪 might just have to go to sleep now 😴

[aurimeanswind]

*Death Intensifies*—Sunday Chats (5-28-17)

I’ve got some hot tea, my new computer won’t be here until June 9th (delayed from May 30th), my voice is pretty much gone, and there is a ringing in my right ear right now and forever. Let’s chat.

That Sick, Sick Feeling

So yeah, I got sick again this last week. I hate complaining on Twitter, but as any not-so-secretly self-obsessed human, sometimes I can’t help but tweet out that I’m feeling not-so-great. Then you get all those lovely well-wishes, and I feel bad because I feel like I’m asking for them, I also feel all warm and fuzzy because all you sweet people out there are the best. So thank you all, you’re awesome.

Luckily I have someone quite lovely (the loveliest) in my life that makes sure I don’t do anything dumb when I’m sick and is checking up on me, helping me get better. Thanks to her, I’ll probably be okay on my trip this coming week, and I’m incredibly grateful.

But boy howdy do I have some luck, huh? On Wednesday of this past week I felt like I had the flu. On Thursday I was incredibly congested. Friday morning my right ear felt like it exploded and I was in so much pain I only got about an hour of sleep and had to go to the doctor. My hearing still isn’t quite better there yet, and they gave me the strongest antibiotic I have ever been on. 

It’s also a good thing I went to the doctor when I did because if I had flown out this coming Wednesday with an ear infection I may have caused some serious damage. But my doc told me the risk should be minimal by Wednesday, and got me some medicine to help alleviate the pain.

I have had a really, really rough month personally, and even though I just said I hate to do the thing where I share that somethings wrong because I feel like I’m passively asking for sympathy, Sunday Chats is all about that honesty. 

If you couldn’t tell, from my casual over-thinking of literally everything, my depression has been in one of those low ruts, and I’ve been definitely dealing with more feeling-like-I’m-crazy sensations in my head than normal. And it’s been a lot to handle. And I almost always get this before I go on a trip. I think it’s an anxious tick, in a sort of way, and my brain just goes a little haywire. That, coupled with being sick, feeling so helpless, and personal troubles has just been a massive trial. And I just wanted to take a moment to thank all my personal friends for putting up with me when I know I can be ever so frustrating, and my wonderful internet friends for sending positivity, being supportive, and also putting up with me.

Many days this month I’ve woken up and felt like I’m just the worst human (because that’s how it is sometimes) and when that’s coupled with the sensation of imminent death from actual physical sickly pain, it’s a bad cocktail, but I think I’m in a strong position to really enjoy this coming week.

To put it less esoterically: thank you all. <3

Twin Peaks is Something, Huh?

On a more light hearted note, i started watching Twin Peaks this week! I finished the eight episode first season, and my curiosity comes from all the video games that have notably been inspired by Twin Peaks, such as Alan Wake and most notably, Deadly Premonition. It’s crazy to finally have the revelation of seeing where both of these pieces of media get their inspiration.

It’s really rad to see something that so immediately recognizable as an inspiration for other things you love, and that thing not seeming redundant or unoriginal. Twin Peaks is still very much its own thing, with its own twists on the hooks that it would go on to inspire, and it’s ability to live in its own right is very impressive. It’s also a merit to the media it inspired.

But I don’t write about TV often, and I’m not necessarily sure what to say, other than I love it. I love a good small town mystery, and Twin Peaks is one of the progenitors of the genre from what I understand. It’s exhilarating, weird, and super engaging. It’s the kind of show that has tons of small details, but when you pay too close attention, you kind of feel like either you’re going crazy or everyone on the show is fucking insane. I just watched the first episode of the second season last night, and I’m not sure what the hell happened between seasons, but that shit got EXTRA weird pretty much instantly. And it’s great and super intimidating all at the same time.

The chemistry between the two leads, Agent Cooper and Sheriff Truman, is super cool too. I didn’t expect to have a bit of that Sherlock/Watson feel to the show, but it’s undeniably there. I also love that Cooper is simultaneously super competent, and also super quirky. It makes him standout as a protagonist a lot, and is another badge of honor in how unique and original the show feels.

What I’ve Been Working On

5/21 - Sunday Chats

5/22 - Shovel Knight Specter of Torment Review

5/23-25 - Nier-related Secret Piece

5/26 - Secret Project Piece

5/27 - E3 2017 Predictions

Much of my time this week was dedicated to writing about Nier, which I’ll talk about a little bit more in a second. My new project that I’m working on, again, is very focused on things that I like quite a bit. But playing through Nier for this has been quite the trip.

I also wrote out a big long thing that essentially equates to my E3 2017 predictions, and hopefully I’ll be about to get that up as a full written piece and article before E3.

What’s on Tap

Nier

So I finished Nier this week... Well, I got “Ending A” of three endings at least.

What a trip this game is. I don’t think anything has really changed in some big sweeping way since last week, but that game sure does get pretty weird at the end.

It’s very much a little out of left field in where it concludes, but the thrust of its story in its final moments really do follow through the mature tone it establishes throughout its journey.

And also holy crow does that game get fucking depressing in the second half.

Very excited to be able to talk about this cult classic at some point.

Child of Light

I just started this one. I was in a bit of a terrible mood on Thursday and couldn’t figure out what I wanted to play, so I settle on this old Games with Gold game I had: Child of Light.

What an enchanting game this immediately turned out to be. The dialogue being written all in rhyme, the way the characters dreamily flow through the hand drawn world, the music and the piano themes, it’s all quite dreamy.

And it is literally a dream, so this makes sense.

I’m really digging the game and hopefully I’ll have time to knock it out. I know Alex Van Aken loves Child of Light, and hearing him recently mention it via his GsOTY for the last five years tweet, I’m very curious to see where it goes.

Mario Kart 8

Genuinely blown away by how much I fucking love this game.

I played so much of it on Wii U so my concern of getting bored of MK8 is totally justified, but the passionate group of friends I have been playing with really add a spark to this game that was just never there before.

Absolutely adore Mario Kart 8. While I think I still ultimately love Double Dash more, MK8 is truly a phenomenal game.

Questions

As always, if you want your question in Sunday Chats, find my tweet on Sunday afternoons (eastern time) with “#SundayChats” in it and reply to it. And boom. You’re in!

Thank you so much for your questions everyone! You’re the best.

I’m not sure, honestly. After hearing that Wonder Woman is allegedly good (!!) I am actually pretty excited to be seeing that. I’m pumped to go to Wing Wings on Wednesday because I just really love Wing Wings. I love going to the Foundry, and that’s happening that Thursday, so that’s really exciting too.

But KFL itself is very, very exciting. It’s a great show, the line is always a party of people all standing talking, and in my case, hugging, and I can’t wait to see my friends get up on stage and put on an amazing show.

I’m gonna hug you real hard Brandon.

Hrm. Probably two? I’d guess two. 

I don’t know if any will be within range of me at any point? So probably none, I’d bet. I’ll guess that I’ll go to Underdogs twice, and those will be my two burritos. 

I do not want to help you and your brother build planter boxes, no.

When I was growing up, my house had a deck attached to the back of it, and there were these planter boxes built into the deck. Me and my brothers would have to mulch and fertilize and plant in them every spring/summer and it was the worst.

Though I have dreamed that maybe some day in the future I could have like, a cute little garden, and have fresh vegetables to cook with.

We can dream.

But yeah I will see you soon buddy!

No, I don’t think studios are afraid of original ideas, I think if anyone is its publishers. I know it’s just a sort of semantic thing there, but it’s important to specify. From what I understand, it’s usually publisher pressure that comes down and makes more protagonists plain ass white dudes, or things along those lines. You have to appease that parent company.

But I think developers and studios really want to push the border and have more diverse directors and ideas in their games. But they are usually beholden to not only a franchise, but those well-establishes studios work within franchises and have a lot more going on.

Making interesting mechanics takes time too. Look at something like MGSV, which is built around weird and innovative mechanics. That game took forever and way too long, and it really frustrated Konami. It’s rare to see a director have some leeway over a publisher’s pressure, especially in Japan I feel, but Kojima did, and it still wasn’t enough time for that game. It’s no wonder things ended so sour there.

But indie debs have as much time as they can give since they’re not really beholden to anyone but themselves? And they also don’t have that pressure to straight/whitify their protagonists. It puts them in a cool spot to do cool things, and since they usually have limited resources, they almost always do it in a cool way at that.

I think there is a balance, and there are some studios out their either with the leeway to get what they want/need from a publisher, or just sheer talent and skill to do it the hard way, and those are the studios to keep your eyes on.

It’s weird with these too games, because I don’t think the way they were announce implied they were at all or remotely coming soon. 

Take Kingdom Hearts 3, an announcement near and dear to my heart. When it was announced it was just said it is “Now in Development”. There is lot of ridiculous and clearly distorted rhetoric around the development of Kingdom Hearts 3, but I firmly believe that game entered development in early 2013 when it was announced. Deluding yourself to believe that game was actively being worked on anytime before that is absolutely ridiculous. So if you look at it that way, the game has now been in development for four years, which is still a long time, but within range for something as ambitious and license-heavy as a Kingdom Hearts, especially since its the series’ first outing in HD at all.

Final Fantasy VII is also an odd case. They had just done all the stuff with the Final Fantasy VII PC port to PS4, and that had angered a ton of people. But then after they announced it they went and showed that gameplay trailer at the end of that same year, and that was clearly a very early prototype (at least, I think) and that was weird. That game was also clearly very early on, but showing any gameplay at all the way they did, at an event like PSX, I think led people to believe something that just wasn’t true. But it was a trump card for SE and I think they needed that shot to the arm, especially at the time.

So overall, no I don’t think so, but I think you just have to be mature and recognize when Square Enix of all publishers say “Now in Development” they really fucking mean it.

UM, AMY, YOU CAN HAVE AS MANY AS YOU WANT.

You’re the best Amy and I cannot wait to see you.

Aguman. Look at this cute lil fucker

If I had to bed it’d be some kind of Smash Deluxe with all the 3DS stages from Smash 4 reimagined into it. To be fair, if you consolidate all those crazy additional stages in 3DS, add all the DLC characters, a few more characters, maybe some kind of story mode, that’s a really great package. I think they are going to add more to it then they did for MK8 Deluxe and show it next year though, since that way it can at least feel a bit different, but I think the base game will just be that Wii U version again.

Really? I have no idea what’s going on in motorsports, but cheers.

Honestly, as a very much not-a-driving-game-kinda-guy, Mario Kart and Twisted Metal are the only games that come to mind. I don’t think there has ever been any kind of driving game that I’ve ever really liked. I’ve always wanted to try Forza or Gran Turismo, since they’re so popular and well liked they have me curious, but I’ve never taken the time for it.

I do not watch any auto racing. I really am the opposite of a car-guy. Like, I have no affection or affiliation for cars. I like a nice car, sure, but there is no attachment there except to my own car, which is an old-ass Camry that I’ve had for years. I also really just don’t like racing that much. Like, the competition of racing is probably my least favorite kind of competition. It can be great, but the standard car race doesn’t sure draw me in.

But more power to you Harold!

I’d bet zero. I’m always surprised that Greg really keeps it together in the moment. I’ve seen him get up there and do a show and just kill it so many times, and he gets emotional, but he has kept it together at the last couple of Kinda Funny Lives. I think in the podcast environment, it’s a lot easier to get emotional. It’s the time and place for it, and it’s far more intimate, but with us the listener, and him the host. So I think that’s why the tears come flowing on shows more frequently.

*Googles Custom Robo again*

Hmmm, if they really do make another one of these for Switch, maybe I’ll give it a shot!

And if they bring over the GameCube one as a downloadable, hell I’d try it.

Personally, I am most excited for Microsoft’s E3 conference, because I feel they’ve got the most to prove. With nothing but Crackdown on the horizon, they need to give people literally any reason to care about their new console+, because right now “True 4K Gaming” is kind of a shitty one.

Plus, they have put on stellar shows two years running now, and I think they can go for the hat trick. They’re really great at presenting now that they’re into the “Phil Spencer” era, and I just adore that dude. He gets it. When he gets up on stage and talks, I want to listen. 

So while my expectations are high, I truly think they’re going to kill it.

I mean, I’d love to, but I’ll be in San Francisco, and I don’t think it’ll be very possible. Sorry buddy. Another time <3 

Gonna get your sweet ass on that post-E3 IPP though.

The Checklist

With all of the Far Cry 5 announcements going on, my interest rose. Not everyone is excited, and some people are. Here are two perspectives:

When American militia and religious cults become marketing - Brian Crecente - Polygon - https://www.polygon.com/2017/5/26/15700944/far-cry-5-marketing

‘Far Cry 5′ is About Living Under Fear in America - Austin Walker - Waypoint - https://waypoint.vice.com/en_us/article/far-cry-5-is-about-living-under-fear-in-america

I found it super valuable to see both sides of the Far Cry 5 story. Personally, I’m hopeful, and obviously Austin Walker is one of my all time favorite writers, and I’m happy to see him hopeful too. Crecente’s piece is well told, and though he sees this as a marketing gimmick more, and I don’t know if he is giving the devs at Ubisoft enough credit, I totally see where he is coming from.

Emily is Away Too Review - Logan Wilkinson - Irrational Passions - http://irrationalpassions.com/review/emily-is-away-too-review/

Okay yeah, sure, pimping stuff from my own site is a bit much, but Logan really killed it with this review. I edited, I loved it, you should read it, and I should probably play this game.

The Star Wars Prequels - Barrett Courtney - The B List - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUJOd2uOdh0&feature=youtu.be

Barrett is obviously a very good friend and good fuck is he so good at everything and it makes me so mad. This is no exception. Boy do I hate the prequels, but he does such a good job forming his point here you have to give him some credit..

Whats Good Games Podcast - http://whatsgoodgames.com

You should check this show out. Started listening this week, and it’s just a great show with varied, critical, and intelligent personalities and opinions, while also acting as a super big breath of fresh air in games. It also kind of reminds me of Weekend Confirmed for whatever reason, and that makes me happy.

Well, at the close of this I’m very tired, feel all exhausted, and still have to make dinner. All my roommates are gone for the night, so for the first time ever, I am gonna be all alone with my cat in my big ‘ol house. That means I’m watching a lot of Netflix and making some popcorn.

I don’t know if there will be a Sunday Chats next week, since I’ll still be in San Francisco until Tuesday of the following week, but if you follow me on Twitter I’m sure I’ll figure it out at some point and tweet it when I do.

If you read Sunday Chats, thank you. I don’t deserve you, but I sure as hell appreciate you. <3

keep it real.