#really though audiobooks save my ass on a regular basis

[iclimbtreestofeelalive]

ADHD vent, baby

i think neurotypical people don’t really get what living with ADHD means, partly because it’s often only portrayed with the Quirky Symptoms like having trouble sitting still and daydreaming, when the reality is that those are tiny pieces of a much larger whole. a lot of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, but it’s harder for people as a whole to empathize with an angry or depressed person than a hyperactive and funny one.

a good example of a misunderstanding i run into a lot when i’m trying to explain to friends or teachers what ADHD/slight OCD looks like is insomnia. for anybody struggling to understand just how much it affects daily life, imagine this:

you start getting ready for bed at around 11:30, well past the time your body should have told you to go to bed. you brush your teeth, change into pajamas, and take nearly double the recommended amount of melatonin. the room is dark, you have a weighted blanket, the window is open, and an audiobook is playing. you’ve spent the past half hour laying on the floor, cooling your body down so you’re at the ideal temperature for snoozetime. you climb into bed, letting the soothing voice of the Harry Potter narrator drift you off to dreamland. you close your eyes, relaxing your entire body. 

your shirt is bunched up wrong.

you shift, fixing it. now the sleeve is wrong. you can’t go to sleep if it’s pulling at your shoulder blade like this. you fix it again. you continue like this until the shirt is perfectly situated so that it doesn’t feel wrong. you’re a little frustrated, but you make yourself relax. no use worrying about it, you’ll get to sleep eventually. by now, your face is hot, and you have to shift the pillow so that you aren’t stewing in your own body heat. you close your eyes. 

your face is relaxed, and your eyes should be facing forward, but you’re so concentrated on relaxing that your eyes are crossing on their own. your eyelids are closed, but your eyes are crossed. you open them, recalibrating. it’s fine. you can still go to sleep. you continue like this, eyes crossing and uncrossing, until your head hurts and it’s past midnight. your chest is tight. you just want to go to sleep. you can’t get anything done tomorrow if you don’t sleep tonight. your whole body is warm from frustration, and this makes you more frustrated. you throw your leg outside of the covers (you’re far past being afraid of anything grabbing it, the anger is so all-consuming). your eyes keep crossing. by now, your shirt is wrong again. you fix it. your pillow is hot. your shirt is wrong. you flip the pillow, but your arm has been under it, so the other side is warm too. you focus on the audiobook, but you’re angry, and it’s not helping. you flip from your side to your back. your shirt is twisted now. the inside of the blankets is hot and gross. you’re so mad you could punch a wall. a lump forms in your throat, and you’re almost crying. why can’t you go to sleep? you’re still angry. everything is too hot.

you get out of bed. you go to the bathroom and take a shower. it’s 1:50. (we’re going to pretend that corona is over. you have school in the morning. four hours until you have to wake up. not even enough time for a shitty sleep cycle.) you get on the internet. you watch a video about a man with seven wives. it’s 3:10 when you fall asleep on the floor, and 6:30 when you hear your alarm. 

But trying to explain this to teachers or friends will, at best, prompt sympathy and advice about staying off of the internet, and at worst, you won’t explain it well (explaining things out loud and sleep deprived is difficult) and they’ll come away thinking you’re exaggerating. 

emotional dysregulation is tough. not enough people know about it in relation to ADHD/ADD, which can lead to confusion when friends see you struggling with it. it can make you feel crazy, or stupid, or weird, and those feelings themselves can spiral. I spent the better part of my childhood stuffing my feelings because they were too big or all-consuming, and i didn’t know how to deal with them. this is my shoutout to all my ADHD/ADD/autism spectrum peeps who are dealing with it and still doing amazing things <3 this one’s for you, random citizen