#really negative shit lol sorry for using my sports sideblof as a diary

[sinnettini]

i can't tell anymore if my not being hungry / not feeling like eating / sometimes feeling nauseous is physical or psychological and that scares me. it feels different from when it's acid reflux. and it started getting bad after the bad breakdown i had on friday. idk. i want to cry. i don't feel okay at all. i kind of want to take a day off work tomorrow bc work was kinda stressful today and i feel like that's not good for me rn. i need to be calm. i need to relax. i need to be okay. i don't know tho if staying home will actually help with being okay or if not having any distraction, anything to do, will make things worse. i think part of me also just wants to make it show somehow that i'm not doing well. bc after my last suicide attempt i've grown so scared of keeping my being unwell inside. what if it gets that bad again. but then when i let others know i'm doing badly i always feel guilty and the other person or people worry or don't know how to act what to say and i feel even guiltier.

god i feel like i'd need 3 hours tomorrow to talk to my terp about everything that's happening and that i'm feeling. 1 hour to explain all this shit i have inside feels like so so little. i've been waiting for this appointment for 6 days and wishing every day that i didn't have to wait and could just talk to him now. and now i'm starting to get anxious that i won't be able to talk about everything i need to talk about in a way that makes sense and is useful in order to figure stuff out with him. i'm crying rn. i wish i could talk to him now. i feel so so bad. and every time i start feeling really bad i feel even worse bc i have no one to call during 'emergencies' like either i'm about to seriously hurt myself in a dangerous way again and then i need to call the emergency numbers which might not answer (lol remember when i was literally going to kill myself and neither of the suicide helplines answered?) or the e.r. (which sucks too, it's not a great and quick way to get psychological help. you might be out of physical danger for a while maybe but like.. that's about it) or if i "just" feel extremely bad and even if the thoughts are there i won't act on them i have to fucking deal with it on my own. sometimes it gets so bad that i feel like i'll die without doing anything to myself except obviously i don't but the feeling persists and it's torture. i feel so alone when i'm feeling like rn. it just. the fact i get to talk to my therapist once a week and my terp once a week is good of course. but sometimes i feel so bad and i need the help immediately. and in those moments it really feels so lonely and so s9 so hopeless.

anyway. sorry for rambling and venting. i think i won't have dinner (i had a little snack a few hours ago) and just go to sleep and pass out at like 19.30 like yesterday. and then wake up in the middle of the night and return to feeling bad lol