#really just good and peaceful and not like people will get damned for eternity if they even think the wrong thing
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cosmiclasagna · 8 months ago
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that would actually be so cool id draw it myself but im a shit artist and i dont wanna make people mad if i draw christian stuff badly bc that kinda seems like itd have the same outcome as kicking a hornets nest
also so sorry mutuals if im annoying yall with my ramblings lmk lol :p
IMO christians should strike against nsfw art by creating a new genre of art of characters like joining monastic orders and performing christian services. it could be called like, nsfh (not safe for heretics). and the idea would be that you are supposed to look at this art while reflecting on god´s relationship with man. and there could be a website dedicated to this named like rule 77 and whenever there was a character design that seemed kinda christiany in vibe people would be like "damn there´s gonna be a lot of nsfh art of this one". this is the type of stuff id dedicate myself to if i was pope to be quite honest
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vidavalor · 1 month ago
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Life
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I got out my opera glasses and went full Mr. Harmony lip reading here and I don't think the L word of Nina's that Crowley is mouthing at the end of the above scene is love.
I think it's life.
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Earlier in the season, even before The Book of Life became the central concern of Crowley's plot and he then spent the week we watched with the ideas of life vs. existence on the brain? Crowley very notably used an unusual and interesting word to refer to what we would call his and Aziraphale's life together: existence.
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Even as Crowley is using lovely words to describe his and Aziraphale's life together-- that it's *melts* precious and peaceful to him💘 -- he doesn't call it a life... he calls it an existence.
Why?
Because he's Fallen. Because he's damned. Because he's a demon who has been forcibly chained to Satan for all of eternity. He's metaphorically dead, even as he's alive. He feels he cannot actually offer Aziraphale a life because he feels that he doesn't have one to give.
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Being damned means to Crowley that he's never, ever going to be free from Hell because that's his punishment. Does he long for that to be different? Absolutely. Is he an optimist and does he hope that maybe, one day, somehow, someway, it might change? Yes.
Is he also trying to be realistic about the likelihood of that after spending over six thousand years with no hope of change in sight? Yes. Is he a bit afraid to hope that it might because he doesn't want to deal with the crushing disappointment of never having it, if that's how it all turns out, so he just calls his life his existence to try to make it hurt less when he likely loses it down the line? Yes.
Is that basically the same thing as a certain angel not telling Crowley about a certain cottage in the South Downs because he's not sure if they can ever have this more free life together and he wouldn't want to crush Crowley more by having him know that there could have been a house that was just openly theirs, and not a bookshop covering up an embassy covering up a secret love den, if theirs is not a happy ending and they never get to go there together? Yes.
So, Crowley feels that if he is never going to be able to be free of Hell and he's never going to be able to forgiven from Heaven, he can't really make a life of his own because there is no guarantee that he can ever keep it. He's alive. He exists and he's living an existence and, deep down, he knows it's a life but he cannot call it one because he doesn't get to fully have what the humans do, not the way he would like. It's not for people like him. He wouldn't deign to call what he and Aziraphale have a life, even if other people might, if they knew about it, see it as one, because it's not good enough for him. It's an existence, carved out of just the best they can make work. They've made as close to one as they have been able to but it's an existence to Crowley because he doesn't have a free life of his own to ask Aziraphale to share.
Even though he really gave his heart away to Aziraphale a long time ago, Crowley can't let himself be Aziraphale's fully if he's Fallen because he's stuck belonging, on paper, to Satan, like all the other demons do. It's always "too late" for him because he is of Hell.
In his mind, he might have once had a chance but he fell and now, he's fucked, and, as a result, so are he and Aziraphale as a couple. Maybe there's some slim chance where they get to be together more than this but Crowley's been living this life for six millennia now and he's doubtful that it'll happen. He's an optimist but he's not really seeing a path to anything more than what they already give one another, which is everything they can.
So, it's not a life, it's an existence... and Aziraphale knows how Crowley feels about it. When Crowley referred to his life as his existence in 2.01, what Aziraphale objected to was not the word he used but that he made it singular as part of the argument.
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Aziraphale didn't argue that it was their life, not Crowley's existence... he argued that it was their existence, together.
Why? Because Aziraphale just wants to be with Crowley and he's willing to view this as whatever Crowley wants to call it and whatever he can give him and make a world together around that. He knows they both try to give one another everything they can but they both wish they had more to offer one another. Aziraphale's own need to want to give Crowley peace and safety that Aziraphale feels he cannot offer him is what drives him in 2.06 to be tempted by an offer from Heaven that might allow him to do that, even if he knows it's likely a false promise and not the way forward.
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He knows that, just as he feels he doesn't have enough to offer Crowley, Crowley feels the same way about him.
In 2.01, Aziraphale already knew Crowley thought of it as an existence because he felt he didn't have much else to offer Aziraphale, as he's not surprised by the word choice. Aziraphale has been willing to meet Crowley there and use Crowley's word for it and not insist that it was a life that they were carving out together because he could understand how Crowley would feel that it was more just any and everything they could give one another within the limits of their situation. They both accept the term existence because, to them, what they already have is likely going to be all that are ever able to be and they both know that they would like to be able to offer one another more.
The if we could, I would things that they likely talk about sometimes... waking up together and having breakfast... the little cottage by the sea with the big garden... marrying each other... are always, by necessity, pretty much relegated to romantic pillow talk daydreams, rather than real plans they could make, because Armageddon and possibly of losing one another for eternity is always looming on the horizon-- and that's only if they don't get caught and killed first.
It wouldn't be much different from what they already have, except that it'd also be completely different because they'd be free.
They'd be them as they already are, just openly.
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So, when Nina tries to get Crowley to define his and Aziraphale's relationship using common terms of out humans in the year 2023...
Crowley can't do it.
Even if he knows that the term she used-- partner-- is not technically incorrect for what he and Aziraphale are to one another.
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By the end of the season, Crowley doesn't object to Nina using partner to describe he and Aziraphale. When she and Maggie come back to the bookshop to talk to Crowley, Nina refers to Aziraphale when she says to Crowley: "you and your partner have been messing about in our lives." Crowley doesn't argue the point. He knows it's true and that's what he and Aziraphale are. He's always known that.
The difference between the partner-themed conversation with Nina in front of the coffee shop and the one in the bookshop is that, in the time between them, this happened:
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For the first time, they weren't the only ones, and they thought that if they have friends who are like them, maybe they suddenly have a chance. Maybe some things might change. At the very least, it seemed pointless to Crowley after the Gabriel and Beez reveal to keep pretending that he and Aziraphale aren't a couple and, in letting Nina's definition in the bookshop scene of Aziraphale as Crowley's partner stand without objection, Crowley was showing that he felt that Nina saying that he and Aziraphale are partners is accurate.
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Crowley's earlier conversation with Nina outside Give Me Coffee is really the first time he's ever had to answer the question of him and Aziraphale honestly in ages of sneaking around and he doesn't really know how to do it. He's used to it being a secret and he's supernatural and Nina doesn't know that so he doesn't know how to explain them to someone who isn't from that world. Nina looks at them and is trying to figure out where the hidden part is coming from and she theorizes an affair because that's a logical human response. How is Crowley supposed to explain that it's that he's a demon and this is a forbidden love affair that is probably going to end in tragic separation one day to a human woman who is just like so, how long have you boffing the bookseller?
How does he say look, listen, he's my entire world but I'm not allowed to have that world? If we were human like you are, we could be openly together. If there was no Heaven and no Hell, you wouldn't be asking me why you'd never seen me before and thought Aziraphale was single until a couple of days ago because I would have met you when you opened this business and there'd be a ring on my finger that would answer a lot of these questions for you.
He can't say that Aziraphale is his partner because people who are partners are openly making a life together and he doesn't have one to give Aziraphale to share with him. Is Aziraphale his partner in the rest of the way that Nina means? Yes. It's just not a word that Crowley feels then that he can use, even if it's the most accurate one, and one that he won't object to within a matter of days, when the circumstances begin to seem like they might be changing.
Yeah, when they flirt, as they were earlier in the season, they sometimes use words that dance towards human terms for it, some more joking than others. Crowley'll sass Aziraphale with a bit of dry "yes, my king" bow and scrape; Aziraphale will use French while flirting with Crowley that circles towards calling Crowley his wife.
They know they're in love and have many different words for it-- all the words for it-- and those words are not going unexpressed. They've been lovers for thousands of years. They consider themselves each other's partner in every way but for being able to call it that. They're a couple. The yearning, imho, is from pining for the more peaceful, open life they want to give one another and have not been able to fully realize, even as they've have made a good one out of what they have been given.
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...but they've spent their existence, for the most part, pretending that they are not. Not really to one another but to the world. They haven't kept it hidden from one another but they have kept it secret from most others out of fear of losing one another if they were ever caught. Crowley knows that Aziraphale is the love of his life and he'll tell him so but partner isn't something he thinks he can give him, even if that's really also the best definition of what they are.
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Crowley's response is basically I don't bloody know, Nina, we're each other's entire orbit, sun, moon and stars, okay? We also could be killed if someone figures out I've been sneaking out of the bookshop before dawn for ages now. I don't know what term would work for you for that. We're in love, is that what you want to know?
This same conversation, though, pushed Crowley towards admitting to himself that he's full of shit and he and Aziraphale have been basically married for forever now. He's not ever really just been existing. Their car and their bookshop and their bloody life that they made together when they weren't looking.
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Crowley is already hesitant to say that Aziraphale is his partner when he's in the street and they could be overheard and when he and Aziraphale haven't discussed how they want to handle this. The other reason why he instantly shoots it down when, in reality, Nina has, by using partner, probably hit on the single, best word to describe Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship that currently exists, is because the word partner implies something that Crowley believes in that moment that he and Aziraphale can't have.
Partners have lives together. In Crowley's mind, as much as he fantasizes about it being different, he and Aziraphale can only ever have an existence.
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They are partners but they can't call themselves partners because, to do so, would be to use the word like the humans do. When the humans call someone their partner, they mean that they are openly making a life together with that person.
Nina, who is a human, has taken one look at Crowley and Aziraphale and has figured out that that is exactly what they have been doing, which throws Crowley a bit. He's not used to anyone knowing about them, let alone asking him to define it, and Nina has seen them together and her assessment is that they're a couple. Crowley is disturbed to find out that Coffee Shop Human can see through The Great Existence Charade and is forcing him to stop lying to himself.
She says this is a life that he and Aziraphale have made. She sees no difference between them and other couples she's seen and Crowley objects to this because if he and Aziraphale were truly partners, he'd have a life to give him, which Coffee Shop Human cannot understand. He won't call Aziraphale his partner even though they've been in love for six thousand years and lovers since ancient fucking Rome because Nina doesn't understand that he's of the bloody damned over here and it's existence or nothing, those are the options...
Nina has not considered Crowley's demonic angst as a factor here-- shockingly! 😂-- so, she's just like what's your deal, Ginger Goth? Bookseller comes into my shop on his own in the mornings a lot and I've never seen you before but I just saw you two flirting so easily and he says you go way back. I never knew he had a partner. You two are adorable and I want what you have, so... what is it, exactly? What's the big secret that kept me from knowing you existed until the other day? Are you married, is that it? This some secret fling?
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You might notice, though, that Crowley only answers one of Nina's peppered questions directly but, in reality, he answers all of them with the one answer he gives.
He defends Aziraphale's honor and insists that they're not having an affair, which we all agree with is true. Crowley insists that Aziraphale would never be his "bit on the side", which is both saying that the idea of there being someone else for Crowley is insanity and that Aziraphale would never be a part of an affair. Crowley never actually answers Nina about whether or not he has a husband or a boyfriend-- which is an answer in and of itself. He does-- Aziraphale. Aziraphale is all the things to him that a boyfriend is and that a husband is, but those things are for people with lives and he lives an existence.
What is interesting, though, is that, in the view of Heaven/Hell, Crowley and Aziraphale actually are having an affair because, to Heaven/Hell, Crowley belongs to "his Master", Satan. Obviously, Crowley doesn't see himself that way and neither does Aziraphale and, of course, neither do we. Under no circumstances is that anything resembling a consensual or safe relationship and we don't view he and Aziraphale as an affair because of it. There are those that they've kept their relationship from, though, who would see it that way.
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Nina had unintentionally hit on a little truth of the situation-- Crowley's inability to fully escape Satan is part of why he feels he is not free enough to offer Aziraphale a life over an existence. In every way that there is for him to be, he is utterly Aziraphale's, but he's damned and that's why Aziraphale is just an angel he knows, even if he's really his boyfriend and his partner and his husband and a million other things. Aziraphale is his everything.
It's just not a situation that Crowley can explain to Nina The Coffee Shop Human, who has no idea that he's damned for eternity and how that could potentially get in the way of such things like marrying the bookshop angel.
The idea that Nina thinks that his love life seems less complicated to her than her own gives him pause because if she only knew?
Crowley is sure that Aziraphale will be erased into non-existence and taken from him because he's fallen and he isn't going to be allowed to have a happy ending. That's just how this works.
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So, when Nina said "you and your partner," Crowley jumped in to deny that he and Aziraphale are actually partners, despite being very much what anyone would call partners... and when Certified Human Nina said they were talking about their love lives, Crowley found himself forced to admit to himself that he has one. He has a love life because he has life.
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It's because Nina says "other people's love lives." It's because she looks at Crowley and just sees another person and one who, like everyone, is entitled to make a life of his own, and it suddenly occurs to Cupid over here that maybe he might have accidentally kinda sorta gone and made himself a whole damn life while insisting he had done no such thing. Maybe because it's a whole lot easier to decide that you're damned and nothing will ever work out for you so why bother trying to claim a life for yourself? than it is to stop letting others define what you are and go claim that life you want.
Further complicating things is that, earlier on in the season, Beez led Crowley to believe that The Book of Life is actually a thing. Crowley, in The Final 15, believes that the being who is watching them through the window is The Metatron and he believes that big threat in play in that moment is that Aziraphale is at risk of being erased into non-existence by his name being taken out of The Book of Life. As he tries to use their language to tell Aziraphale this and a plan for how they can get out of it, he even refers to their life together as "our existence"-- using that word again, instead of the more accurate life.
The ironic part here is that Crowley is using it here to try to get Aziraphale to see that he believes that the threat is The Book of Life but Crowley so often has referred in the past to their life together as an existence that Aziraphale doesn't understand the wordplay.
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One of the most heartbreaking moments, though, comes when Crowley abandons a line of wordplay-- and not just because it's not going to work for conveying what he wants to say. It is probably because this lovely, deceptively simple-sounding line that we can see is really anything but simple? This one that starts with "and I would like to spend--"?
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It likely comes from the actual marriage proposal Crowley seems to have had in his mind for ages because, as we know, Crowley is an optimist. An optimist and a romantic and he's thought of what he'd say, if things ever somehow changed and he ever felt really free to ask Aziraphale.
This line was: "And I would like to spend my life with you."
In The Final 15, he can't do it. He can't bring himself to say it because he thinks it's already too late. It's not for him. He's fallen. He's damned. He's going to lose Aziraphale, as he's been fated to do all along because a life isn't for him, he is doomed to just exist and keep on existing for eternity.
Crowley thinks that Aziraphale is going to go with The Metatron and be erased into non-existence and Crowley will then have never known him, never made this existence that was really a life with him, and what did he expect? That the romantic, happy endings that he loves and tries to make happen for everyone else could ever be something that he could actually have for himself?
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The word Crowley is mouthing in the scene with Nina isn't love. He's not just realizing he's in love with Aziraphale. He's known that for thousands of years. He's mouthing the word for the thing he has always felt he cannot have but that Nina sees that maybe he already does-- a life.
It aches right now but I think it likely that, when they get to the other side of all of this in The Finale and Crowley gets to actually do the proposal the way he'd really like to, the fact that he cut himself off in the "And I would like to spend--" line will actually make it all the better because now, when he finally does really freely ask Aziraphale for that life together? It will likely be the first time Aziraphale has ever heard Crowley call what they have already made together not Crowley's existence but their life.
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writing-whump · 6 months ago
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breathing in a bag: oh god oh god oh god, its here NO ONE PANIC.
I think Seline and Zaya are about to hit a wall of feelings thanks to him being a Silly Rabbit and not telling her "hey baby, i'm like. dying." soooo can I request some sweet sugary seline/isaiah before we're hit with the steamroller?
Date
Very sugary.
Seline was sure today was somehow special for Isaiah. She just couldn't figure out why.
He knocked on her door at 10 am in the morning, asking how many daydream sessions she finished and if she was in the mood for breakfast - in bed. That he knew that she woke up early these days only to fall asleep multiple times to daydream new story scenes or poems amazed her.
Then he brought the English Breakfast restaurant-style breakfast that made her feel equally cherished and underdressed for the occasion.
Usually, they always planned trips and days they wanted to spend together. Today, he was all, "I got a surprise. Trust me?" His excitement was contagious.
And she had to say it was quite the plan. They went to the Albertina gallery, which had two new exhibitions, one with hyper-realistic photographs and one with a political comic-style artist. She loved going to museums and galleries with Isaiah. He was literally the only person in the world who not only tolerated her long gawking and reading of every info, but also discussed the pieces with her. They stayed at each drawing for at least 15 minutes. Matthew would have blacked down after the first two.
Isaiah was not just patience manifested, he seemed to enjoy himself. Whenever he got really nerdy, talking about the psychological effect of using only three base colours or about the historical background of the photographs or about the atmosphere of certain series of photographs resonating with certain kinds of people and brain signals...
Oh god. It was the most exciting thing. She loved watching him. She loved listening to him. She loved that they both had stuff to say, but it didn't feel like a competition. She loved she didn't have to fight to get to say something, that he listed to her. She loved she was genuinely and truly interested in what he would say next. Because she wanted to know his opinions and get fascinated by all the new things he knew.
Isaiah was the only one who could impress her with the stuff he knew. Most people couldn't, aside her professors.
Seline found falling in love incredibly hard. Connecting with people in general, really. In primary school, she was popular for knowing all Disney movies by memory and for thinking up new plays for the kids to play. But since high school, she liked teachers more than any of her classmates.
And how the hell was she supposed to choose friends? Her peers kept falling in love every second day or talking about said crushes and she couldn't phantom what they liked. What was so interesting about that? The boys were little immature screaming bags to her.
Friends that weren't boring we eternally difficult to find. She didn't connect with anyone over anything. Social media weren't her thing, reading wasn't a thing for them. Really, people that shared any of her interests or love for writing were mostly online.
When she did have friends, mostly her girls from primary school and the few sciency friends from university field trips —people she actually didn't find a drag to listen to— they said Seline had too high expectations for a guy. Like, if he was as nerdy as her, he would surely be a head smaller and she better make peace with him not being a looker. Settle down, girl.
She tried dating people, but damn, was it difficult to catch feelings. Why couldn't she feel a thing? The looks weren't that important and if they were there, she figured cringing whenever the guy opened his mouth wasn't a good sign. And when he managed to get through her rigorous list of questions and plans, because how else was she supposed to test their value and interests compatibility? - the emotion was missing entirely.
Universe, could you please, please, give me a person I could admire and feel something for? Anyone like that out there?
And then she met Isaiah.
They had lunch at a small but incredibly good family sushi restaurant. For the cake, he took her to her favorite confectioanry, though, on the balcony with an awesome view, and let her order about four different desserts, when she couldn't decide. Christ, even the place was expensive.
But Isaiah had a twinkle in his eye and a constant smile. It was very rare for him to be in a good mood so openly, like watching her was the most fascinating showpiece.
She couldn't protest anything he said with that expression.
Caught in the moment of watching him, all dressed up in a dashing suit, black hair with that gentle waves to it, green eyes set only on her, she reached over. Her hand went on top of his under the chin, then gently up to stroke his cheek.
"What mask are you wearing today?"
Isaiah kissed her knuckles, too happy to even mind the PDA. "The one I wear with you. I like it the most."
Seline couldn't help the blush, ducking her head. He was more social than her, always alert, always perceptive and adjusting to the situation. Charming gentleman, yes, kind, absolutely. But he could be funny and relaxed, or serious and scary, or authoritative and confident. Every person and group, every situation, brought out a different side of him.
It confused her at the start. Now, she found it fascinating.
Once again, she was tempted to ask what today was. Why was it special? Was there an anniversary she didn't know about? It wasn't a year since they moved in together, that would be in two months. The month they have been together for a year...that would be four months. What was this? They haven't even been a pack a year ago.
The cakes were excellent, but the sweetness and intensity of the different flavours overwhelmed her quickly. She slid her plate with half of the Strawberry Mouse Cake towards Isaiah to go to the Coffee Meringue Cake. They also still had the Apple Strudel and her favorite Mango slice tart. It felt like her birthday.
Isaiah was chuckling indulgently, finishing the cakes for her. Never a better chance to try so many. And the hot chocolates they made there were to die for. When she couldn't decide between that and the Caramel Machiatto, Isaiah ordered both.
"You are spoiling me today."
Isaiah gave her a blinding smile of satisfaction.
They went by foor afterwards, through the two nicest parks and Hofburg all the way to the Danube river. It was like Isaiah had it calculated, cause the sun was just setting and they were at the perfect side of the river to see it without being blinded.
He took her hand, fingers intertwined gently, as they passed bikes and families returning from bathing, reaching a nice molo halfway across the river.
Isaiah guided her to sit down before joining her, suit and all on the wooden molo. She watched him curiously, getting a bit nervous at how heavy the moment felt.
"The sunset is beautiful," she burst out quickly.
Isaiah raised one eyebrow at the remark, smiling. He leaned close enough to kiss her, but only brushed a lock of blond hair behind her ear. "Not as much as you."
Seline bit her lip, looking at him from under her lashes.
"I know beauty isn't that high on your priority list. And I know that's not something you want to be admired for. Not for anything you were given, not for magic or for your looks."
She ducked her head. His fingers lingered in her hair.
"I know you don't go about perceiving the world through physical sensations. You relate through your mind. You want intellectual stimulation to feel connection and interests." His hand still in his hair followed the line of her head to her neck. He cupped her cheek.
"Which doesn't mean you don't have feelings. They are so intense that you prefer to save them for later. Process them in private. That's why you don't need that much stimulation, working through the little details. Understanding yourself inside out. Body comes last and you don't put emphasis on it. If you focus on it, you get bashful."
She could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks under his touch. His voice was silky smooth.
"Not that it's anything to feel ashamed of. But you feel comfortable with contact only after connection has been made. I have been trying to go slowly."
Which was true. He always let her set the pace. Make the first move.
"I don't want to scare you. And I don't want you to feel like you have to say it back." That was the first time he looked down, suddenly a little insecure, before lifting his gaze to hers again.
Her breath caught in her chest, pulse picking up.
"I love how your mind works. Constantly hungry for knowldge. Your thinking is so abstract and so creative and you are never bored, always working on some kind of thought project. Always halfway somewhere else," he said, stroking her cheek with his thumb.
"But I love everything about it. Your mind, your order rituals to keep yourself tethered to the real world, the way you read spoilers ahead to enjoy the same thing from different lenses, your broad view of things, your ability to look at things objectively but also understanding the emotion behind it..."
Seline was amazed how scarily accurate all of this was. She couldn't move under his touch, eyes getting wider.
"I love everything...about you." He looked to the side then. His fingers against her face were shaking. "Just thought you should know."
Seline shook her head, voice all stunned. "That's your new trick? You go all impressive psychology on me and analyse me, cause you know that will make you irresistible?"
Isaiah looked up, startled. "I wasn't-"
"You are ridiculous." Seline grabbed him by the collar and smashed their lips together. Her heartbeat was somewhere in her ears. It felt like she wouldn't be able to breathe if she didn't kiss him immediately.
"You know how hot I find it when you talk all smart. I had a feast of you today," she said against his nose, her hand reaching behind his neck to hold him more securely.
She said hot on purpose, cause that was a word she didn't use often. It was too vague and felt too...indecent. Some part of her was always scared of it, of being some kind of primitive animal only focused on the body.
But with Isaiah the body turned to a medium, the carrier of his soul. It was special because it held him inside, the lips that spoke to her, the spirit looking at her from his eyes. It meant something completely different, to feel this closeness. Touch became a way to express it, not threaten it.
Was she not saying it enough? How much she admired him, how much she enjoyed him? Being this smart and relaxed and doting?
"I'm a girl of words. I love words. And I love when you talk. You are never boring. I'm always learning something," she said, leaning forward to hide her face against his neck. "You have so many faces. So many masks. I want to know all of them."
Her lips brushed against the skin on the side of his throat. Isaiah shivered underneath her.
"I never felt this way...about anyone," she admitted quietly.
Isaiah took her face in his hands, making her look up at him again. "It scares me. It isn't fair to everyone else, how much I can love just you."
Why did that make her so incredibly happy.
Isaiah wrapped her in an embrace and just held her, letting their bodies take comfort from the touch while they both worked through the impact of those words.
Seline ended up leaning against his shoulder, his arm around her back as the sun set in front of them.
It was the perfect moment.
Isaiah's body jostled underneath her suddenly. His free hand moved towards his middle for a second before dropping.
Seline frowned, turning to look at him. She didn't have a good angle on his face, but her access to his throat was ideal. She could feel it bobbing as he swallowed.
She pushed her hand up into his hair gently. "Okay?"
Isaiah shook his head in denial. "Sorry. Just-urrrp-ate too much."
"Oh. All the cakes."
Isaiah suppressed another burp. "I'm sorry. Don't-don't mind it, please." His neck and cheeks went all red.
Seline chuckled, weirdly pleased. "I mean, it's kinda my fault. Kept pushing them to you." She leaned more into him, her whole side pressed into his.
Her hand went down around his back again while she sneaked her free one to his belly, tentatively pulling at his button up.
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to ruin-"
"Shhhhh." She kissed his neck and then his jaw. "It's okay, baby. You couldn't ruin this in any way. This was perfect." Another kiss under his ear. "And it's cute, just so you know."
"You say the silliest things."
"I never say anything I don't mean," she corrected smugly. "You taking your walls down just for a bit. Around me. What's not to like?"
Isaiah huffed. "You can't-"
Her hand sneaked up to his belly, cutting him off. She let her palm rest on top of it, feeling the bloat under her fingers. Having him this close, his breathing a little ragged from the discomfort and emberssment made her insides dance.
"I love this. I love you. I love everything about you." Seline nuzzled her face against his cheek, feeling incredibly intimate. The contact, his sudden shyness. The little crack in that armor he still didn't quite take down. Or was that only her feeling?
"You don't have to say it so many times," he said, scratching at the top of his head self-consciously, turning his head to blow up the air from another breathy burp.
Seline giggled, drunk on the feeling. Feeling. She was feeling so much. She let herself feel it all in that moment, everyting she felt for him. It was a flood of mind-melting, honey-coloured happiness. "I can't say it enough."
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vroomian · 11 months ago
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Was YRZ really locked up due to his angel form? I have this random theory that Heaven locks up or "erase" famous and capable leaders and radicals that go against the status quo to maintain the peace of heaven. Because honestly, I feel that a lot of philosophers and leaders wouldn't like how Heaven is run all that much.
I figure that a lot of leaders and philosophers don't actually get into heaven lol. just cause you're smart or charismatic doesn't make you good. actually, i feel like it's the opposite for the few that do get in -- the very famous important people are given special privileges (not sainted, that's a separate thing you have to earn from your actions while alive) and get absorbed into the ranks of the bureaucracy pretty fast. they get comfortable.
you know what's uncomfortable? change. So people being people, even in heaven, would prefer to maintain the status quo where they're respected. i doubt anyone ever thinks about how heaven is kind fucked up, because why would they? they're happy.
for yrz, he was locked away initially for his angel form. honestly, if heaven let him out after a couple years when he had more control, he would've been salty but he also would've understood. but yrz made the mistake of sharing his opinion on hell (which might also be my opinion on hell lol), namely: eternal punishment for any crime is monstrously unfair. you're going to let someone be tortured forever because they were an addict???? forever??? do you know how long forever is???? the rules are arbitrary and unclear. any deity who thought the heaven/hell system was the ideal one is a fucking moron and deserves no respect or worship.
ah, thinks heaven's leadership. this outspoken human rights activist who fought the system his whole life might try to change the system that is actively damning people to eternal torment. welp, that's not ideal.
so the locking away was technically not a punishment for yrz! management just -- left him where he was. where he couldn't spread his silly little ideas of fairness around.
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frogoru · 11 months ago
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Hey. Don’t know if this is overstepping and if it is I apologize, but. Saw your posts about religious stuff. Just want to say that I’ve been in a pretty similar place before, and you aren’t alone. I know this is really hard, and it’s scary. It’s so damned scary. But it gets better. It’s okay to question your religion; I’d even call it healthy. Blind faith is meaningless, you can’t be said to truly believe anything until you look at it closely, and critically, and Decide. This, Too, Shall Pass. You will find your answers, and you will find your peace. You won’t find *all* the answers but hey, no one does.
I don’t have all the answers (no one does; if anyone claims to they’re a liar) hell I don’t have most of them. But with regards to homosexuality: I learned to accept it before I realized I’m bi, so my experience is a bit different from you. But here was a thought that I found helpful: Gay people exist—folks who are exclusively or near exclusively attracted to the same gender. If homosexuality is wrong, then those folks are more tempted than others people; the deck’s stacked against them. And they have to choose between righteousness and love. If God is just, then this just won’t do. Being gay must be fine.
The Bible’s weird, and hard to navigate. I think of it as divine, inspired truth filtered through fallible humans. There’s lessons and truth there, but it ought not be taken too literally. That might be satisfactory, that might not.
Really, what I think is most important is that you believe in a loving God. If god is unjust, if god is cruel, if god is malicious, if god hates… then he ought not be worshipped. Believe in a God worth believing in. Believe in a good that loves you. A God that loves would make no hell. A God that loves would not hate who you are and you you love. A God that loves would not make you ashamed of the joys of life.
You can get through this, I know you can. You are not alone. You are not wicked. You are loved.
Again, sorry if this is an overstep. It’s just that I’ve been through something similar, and wanted to share what helped me.
Thank you so much. No worries, it isn't an overstep at all! Reading this made me feel a lot better about everything. Especially the thing you mentioned about believing in a loving God. That's something I've always wished was more emphasized when people are speaking about Christianity to others, which feels like such a silly want considering the fact that Jesus loving everyone is such a prevalent thing in it. It feels so ironic to know that a religion based around love has such a judgemental community 😭😭 hearing about how I'm loved and accepted by God from other people yet still have the chance of being sent to eternal damnation if I don't abide by everything as I'm supposed to is so like... I don't even know how to put my feelings about it into words anymore but you know what I mean!! So thank you very much for bringing that up.
The idea of interpreting scripture as something divinely inspired and filled with truth yet still affected by the way humans are and how they tend to change things up is also something I agree with and think makes a lot of sense as well. I remember a while ago I was in bible study and the topic of the Bible being God's word was brought up and the teacher's reasoning for why every single thing in it shouldn't be questioned and should be accepted as 100% literal was because the Bible itself says that and I remember being so confused because even if it is a holy text, that doesn't stop people from altering certain things on their own accord. 😭😭
OH!!! OH OH OH oh my gosh and the point you made about how the existence of gay people just existing as they are disproves it being a terrible sin was really nice to hear as well. The way you explained it made a lot of sense and I feel like hearing it put that way lifts a lot of the tension regarding it off my shoulders. I learned queer stuff existed and accepted it pretty quickly before realizing I'm bi (and mostly attracted to women) as well, and I forgot if I wrote this in the intial post but I've been really happy and unashamed with my identity up until I started really getting into religion and engaging with people who share a similar worldview, so that was kind of the turning point that led me to start worrying about it a lot </3 Thinking about it like this makes things fit together in my mind really well, so thank you a lot for mentioning that as well.
Just... thank you for taking the time to write all of this down in general. I keep bouncing back and forth between "I'm okay and don't need to change anything" and "my life is full of sin that I need to get rid of" and whenever I find that I'm starting to feel a lot better about it, I find something else/someone I know says something that makes me question myself again. It feels so comforting to know that I'm not alone in this and just... ahhh thank you thank you thank you!!
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otakween · 2 months ago
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They Were 11: Horizon of the East, Eternity of the West
This is the sequel manga to "They Were 11." Another one shot with even fewer chapters than the first (nice). It honestly felt like highly condensed epic. Moto Hagio packed so much into a tiny volume and I salute her. This seems ultra obscure to me in 2024, but it got its own stage adaptation, which shows it had staying power in Japan. Glad to be introduced onto this hidden classic :) (see, going through all of MAL blindly has its perks!)
Ch. 1
Damn that was one chonky chapter! Really good though. I think a true sci fi aficionado would laugh at me if I called this "high sci fi," but it was very lore heavy for me. And I love lore so I was riveted lol
I think this was a really smart direction to take for a sequel manga. The scope feels somewhat narrower since they're focusing on one of the eleven's planets. If this series was bigger I think I would have enjoyed other such spin-offs on other planets. Learning about space culture is fascinating haha.
This chapter was religion and politics heavy and they're intertwined on King's planet because it's theocratic. It's funny because most of the characters don't actually seem to believe in their own religion? They kept mentioning that the phenomenon that decides their ruler is probably just a natural occurrence rather than a sign from God. It seems like they play along when it benefits them...oh wait, that's just how it works in the real world LOL (jk, I know some people actually believe in their religions wholeheartedly IRL)
Lots of talk of progressives and conservatives which felt too real 😭 This fan translation was really good by the way! I can tell that some lines were localized really smoothly (like injecting slang and English expressions very naturally).
Funny seeing that Tada and Frol haven't changed much (well, not much time has passed). Frol's personality kinda reminds me of Miss Piggy or something. Very hot headed. I found them annoying in the OG manga but at this point, I see their appeal. They started this chapter as she/her and ended as he/him. It was really funny how much more popular they were as a boy. Accurate 😂
Why does Tada and Frol's pilot school just casually have a Goddess in their faculty? This series seems a little confused about how mystical it wants to be.
The thought of two planets wanting to go to war but both of them are too poor to do so is kinda a funny image (yet they found a way to go to war anyways I guess)
We get some Tada x Frol fluff and while Frol is in boy-mode no less :D <3
Frol declaring "we're here to pick up babes!" was really cute.
Ch. 2
The drama, the intrigue!! This chapter was mostly the gang on the run as fugitives but with also a big war-inciting incident. It honestly reminded me a lot of the current season of Arcane which I've also been watching as I read this. They both have this "point of no return" moment where it looks like there will never be peace between the two factions.
Although he's the "masculine one" I noticed that the mangaka puts Tada in some pretty girly looking outfits. It is a classic shoujo after all! Everyone looks ~fabulous~
Frol saying "YOLO" and crashing into the side of the academy building cracked me up.
I feel like the vibes of the Fourth being forced to poison the King feel very Shakespearean tragedy
We get another silly name with a woman named "Chu Chu" (how am I supposed to take her seriously? lol)
They nerfed Tada by making him instantly fall asleep after he uses his powers. I didn't really think they were OP enough to need nerfing, but okay...
Ch. 3
That was so majestic! Honestly, I didn't completely follow the (somewhat convoluted) plot but I don't think it mattered. All I really needed to know is who was bad, who was good, and that some corruption was goin down. Other than that, the vibes and the beautiful art did most of the heavy lifting.
This was kinda like the Fantastic Beasts sequels where the protagonists don't really have a reason to be a part of the plot, but they're there for the audience lol. Honestly, we could have probably just had this story just be all about King and his people, but I understand the desire to bridge the two stories with familiar faces.
Some of this gave me Game of Thrones vibes with the various kingdoms and politics. It takes place in space but felt smack in the middle of fantasy and sci-fi. Maybe because things were more planet-side this time around?
I really liked the design of the Priestess. She had an almost masculine look despite her really long hair. It was refreshing.
King marrying Chu Chu in the end was a little cheesy. Not everything needs to end with marriage -_- (well, it is shoujo...)
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dutifullyshamelessearthquake · 10 months ago
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holy shit IM LOSING MY MIND??? I’m done it’s over and
I- I’m running out of ways to express my obsession with your Sickfics… I need to invent new words? Or new ways to scream in text form because I need you to understand how fucking AMAZING this new fic is 😭😭😭😭
It’s so damn good???? It’s SO SATISFYING????? HELLO?? oh my word cyno cyno cyno what an absolute mess you are.🥺 poor poor thing!! I love everything in this fic. I love their relationship and how comfy they are together - how much Cyno loved spoiling nari (and tighnari deserves it let’s be real) I love the use of implied both ends!! I feel like it works really well in this case and it’s subtle but I love the implication that maybe Cyno was coming down with a bug before hand since he wasn’t feeling hungry? But then it’s like the heavy food expedited that process. I love the descriptions of fullness and how he just- very quickly - is NOT okay anymore. UHG HIS ANXIETY??? you captured the thought process perfectly of just being seen and being seen too much and the constant what ifs. Idk if Tighnari knew cyno hated being sick in public but he ABSOLUTELY gets the picture now.
OMG and Cyno just refusing to be sick in the public restroom sent me. I was genuinely shocked he managed to not lol 😂😅 like you know you just KNOW that’s so much worse feeling in that situation. Tighnari must have been so concerned and absolutely not buying it at all. Cynos little “I’m fines” when he sounds like he’s close to tears STOP. AH!! And the weakness??? OML his faintness was just so good and I’m feral over all the little details with nari being like “ok if he doesn’t sit he’s going to collapse it’s time for mom mode” and how he takes command in those moments. So damn GOOD. don’t even get me started when Cynos finally sick I can’t. My heart. Just all the worst things he wants to lay down his stomach feels so sick and now there is puke everywhere and- It was such a perfectly written scene 🥺🥺🥺 and the little FOX TOY THAT HE CUDDLES??? I’m gonna DIE?? IM TRULY DEAD?? I LOVE how attentive Tighnari is with his fussing and then very tactful more subtle support, just giving him the toy so Cyno can hug something on the way home cuz even if Tighnari knows cyno would never in public he knows him and knows he wants to be held rn and i -
I believe it’s 100% a tummy bug and not the food and that the ‘heat’ he was feeling was for sure fever and nausea and that maybe it wouldn’t have been this bad but anything he ate that day was going to more or less rot inside him. I have no doubts he was not done with the restroom for a number of reasons after getting home but I absolutely know he was 1000% times more at peace. Except for him replaying the events in his head for all eternity.
I’m truly never going to recover.
amazing fucking work. I’ve already re read this and I will re read again and again and yeah. That’s it. I’m just. Simply. Deceased. 😭😭😭
Thank you for this gift 😭🩷
I AM SCREAMING, I WOKE UP TO THIS IN MY INBOX THIS MORNING AND I WASN'T ABLE TO STOP SMILING AS I READ THROUGH IT 😭 You have no idea how much these comments mean to me, you made my whole day with this!
I am SO HAPPY you enjoyed it this much!! Allow me to get sappy for a moment, it already makes me so happy that people are actually reading what I'm creating, but knowing people enjoy it so much?? It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and it makes me so happy. I enjoy writing sickfics so much, it's just a fun, self-indulgent hobby that I also happen to post online. And just knowing something I created, purely by having fun, is being enjoyed this much?? All the happy emotions!!
Alright, happy sappy earthquake out, let's scream about Cyno!
HE IS, he is such a mess, this poor boy 🥺 I definitely had it in my head that he was beginning to come down with something before the date even started, but having a heavy restaurant meal just made things go south so much faster. I'm really glad to hear I was able to pull off the implied both ends without it seeming too out of place!! It definitely felt like if I was going to have it anywhere, this was the fic for it, Cyno had a very unhappy stomach. He went from "i can handle this" to "i am NOT okay" in the blink of an eye and I feel so bad for doing that to him. THE ANXIETY! THE VULNERABILITY!! He can't stand that other people might just THINK of him as vulnerable, the smallest sign of weakness and he wants no eyes on him immediately. I definitely think Tighnari knew he didn't like being sick in public, but he didn't know it was this bad. He definitely hadn't expected Cyno's anxiety to go through the roof like that.
He BARELY held it together in the bathroom, I think Tighnari was just as surprised that he didn't throw up. Oh Cyno baby, I know you didn't want to get sick in a public bathroom, but you could've spared yourself getting sick in the parking lot. You just know he's going to replay this event in his head a million times thinking where he should've done something differently to make the day somewhat less mortifying.
THE LITTLE FOX!! PLEASE THAT WAS SUCH A FUN LITTLE DETAIL TO ADD. I have a feeling that little thing is going to become a big comfort item for Cyno. Only private because you know he would NEVER let anybody outside of Tighnari know that he even has a stuffed animal, but it'll become a massive comfort for him. We love Tighnari just knowing. He's so good at handling these situations and we adore him for it. He's giving Cyno so many hugs when they're home.
I definitely agree with you there, boy was feverish. His body temperature was all over the place, first the hot flashes and sweating, and then he was feeling shivery?? He's definitely sick sick 🥺 He's definitely not going to be done with the bathroom for a while. In my head I imagine even the drive home is going to be hell, I mean can you imagine being in a moving car on the road when your stomach is feeling as bad as his was? Yeah they definitely pulled over more than once.
ARGH THANK YOU SO SO MUCH! I'm genuinely happy you enjoyed it as much as you did!! Again, thank you so much!!
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an0ther-f00ls-muse · 5 months ago
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The different Interpretations/Portrayals of my Muses!! ((Be aware, this may be somewhat ‘cringe’ & ooc as I have yet to actually play the damn game & dlc yet, however I did watch a lot of lore videos, soo yeah-))
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My Portrayal(s) of ‘Queen Marika the eternal’
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I technically do two different versions of her, a much, much younger version of her before the hornsent did their whole jarring thing, so if you wanna do something with her just let me know which one you wanna do things with lol.
The main points that are most important
-> My village version of Queen-Marika <-
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-> This first interpretation/portrayal of Marika is that, as a younger woman that she is more akin to ‘Roderika’ with the fact she’s more of an actual ‘Spirit-Tuner’.
-> My younger version of Marika I’ll be using as a muse here doesn’t really talk, she usually uses simple sign language, she doesn’t actually speak until the whole ‘hornsent-activities’ in my interpretation/portrayal & the only reason she even talks after that is because of the jars & such.
-> She has turquoise-green eyes up until her ascension into her godhood, much akin to the eye color of Messmer’s serpents actually.
-> She is more passive & peaceful up until everything that happened with her village & the ‘hornsent’, so keep that in mind if you wanna do anything with her younger-self of her lol.
-> My younger version of Marika likes flowers, a lot and just likes making different things out of them, so if you ask for a starter with this version of her just keep this in mind maybe lol.
-> She technically ‘named’ my own muse version of Radagon, this won’t automatically apply to your ‘Radagon &/or Marika’ muses unless we discussed otherwise for RP purposes!!!
-> She’s not as tall as she is in canon just yet, she has some more growing to be doing despite being an adult, she won’t be her canon height until a bit after her ascension into her godhood.
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->:My more current version of Queen-Marika<-
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-> She’s her actual canon height in this version of herself now, keep this in mind ig.
->This will be the version of her that actually talks with her words nowadays, however she still knows her sign language.
-> she can still somewhat use her ‘Spirit-Tuner’ abilities, but she doesn’t do it as often and is pretty damn rusty by now.
-> her eyes & hair are fully golden now, as golden as the actual Elden-Ring by now.
-> Her skin has many small ‘cracks’ all around her upper body, it’ll just won’t be as noticeable as the ones she gets after the ‘shattering’ (aka the trailer)
-> She does somewhat try to be a good- or at least half decent mother to her children but she isn’t really good at it nine times out of ten.
-> My muse version of Marika has very complicated feelings about her omen twins, she loved them and didn’t know how to deal with that factor and the way that omen’s in general were viewed whatsoever. (This won’t affect your Muses unless we discuss it for RP purposes!!)
-> Both of my muses of Marika & Radagon have complicated feelings for each other, they don’t really like each other anymore- it’s bad. (Once again, this will not affect your own muse version of them both unless we discuss it for RP purposes!!)
-> my version of Marika did & does honestly love her children, so there will occasionally be some kind of this aspect in my RP’s unless asked/discussed otherwise.
-> on my blog, Marika is the one that give her youngest twins the seed to grow the ‘Hailg-Tree’. 
-> Marika on this blog threw away a part of herself that became the Gloam-Eyed Queen.
-> Queen Marika, after the jarring of her people because of the hornsent, she was made to be more or less a ‘Saint’ for their people & she was mostly ‘raised/re-educated’ by the grandam afterwards.
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sergeantnarwhalwrites · 9 months ago
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OC Questionare
Thanks for the tag @winterandwords and @illarian-rambling! I'm gonna compile the questions in this one 👍🏾.
I tag: @jezifster @weirdgirlcroix @the-void-writes @revenantlore @cryptid-s-wips (Only if you want! Open tag too)
Your questions
1. Be honest, you fucking up that dance floor? (Good or bad way doesn't matter.)
2. Something you think is stupid?
3. How's that sleep schedule looking?
Robots & Gardens crew I guess.
What are you most ashamed of doing?
Green: "Killing a protester for meh money. Was desperate at the time. Hopin' not to fall on desperate times again."
Peace: "Guess I'm ashamed if I dragged anyone into an unsuccessful plan. Stresses everyone out."
Hollis: "Working my old job. Shouldn't have stuck around so long."
Donnie: "Taking on extra enhancements to do this job."
Digits: "I wouldn't really say I've got a lot of actual friends. So I've gotta be doing something."
If you had one wish, what would it be?
Green: "Enough money to support all the peoples that roam in. 'Specially the kids and Peace. Peace might hate it, but she loves me it's fine."
Peace: "No more fucking smog. I want to see the sky. I feel like I haven't seen a clear sky since I was a kid. The hell is this?"
Hollis: "That I had focused more on my music. Love helping people but I shouldn't be used to seeing demolished prosthetics and what people look like screaming and sobbing in pain. You know? But maybe that's me."
Donnie: "More accessible tech. Damn it took me three damn lifetimes to figure all of this out."
Digits: "I just want prosthetics that don't suck ass and sleep. If they pick sleep tell them to make it eternal. I'm sick of this shit."
Where is your favourite place in the world?
Green: "Gonna take ya on a nostalgia trip a bit. I'd say Peace's parents's place. But maybe the diner with the good pops. The fizzies in the glass bottles with the real sugar. Oh hell yeah. Add Peace to the mix and a silent phone and I migh've finally died."
Peace: "There's this spot by the diner right. And there used to be a patch of trees and like an itty bitty pond thing? It was kinda like a really really deep puddle after it rains. Green and I used to sit there sometimes and chug fizzies back to back till we felt like we were gonna puke. Think one of us did one time."
Hollis: "There's a couple hangout spots. But one in particular has a longue sorta thing going. And I get to play my music for a crowd. Get to play my music for the gorgeous dancers when they show. And I usually get a mouthful of a beautiful person too. It's the place to be."
Donnie: "Those rooftop garden things. A lot of them do end up shrivelled and depressing looking after the chemical rain. But the ones that flourish. Really fucking flourish. It's gorgeous. Or just my own home garden. It's nice to stare at nature after fighting all day. Or staring at screens all day."
Digits: "Is it sad if I say my place? Feeling like I'm barely there anymore. It's comfy. There's usually food. The tv works. I like my room, bed's comfy."
What is (or would be) your favorite subject in school?
Green: "History. I actually understood it the longest."
Peace: "Foreign language. Language classes in general really."
Hollis: "Shit it's been awhile. Any of the hobby classes maybe. Really liked the hands on stuff." (Electives basically).
Donnie: "Science. The really broad environmental stuff. I didn't like the smaller stuff much."
Digits: "Math and trade skills. Ended up working construction for a reason."
Have you ever played a prank on someone?
Green: "Yeah. Think I ended up gettin' my ass beat by the menace though."
Peace: "Nope. Well maybe? I helped Green out with hers sometimes. I hate when that woman pranks me. Gets her off my back if she can focus it on someone else."
Hollis: "Pulled out a chair or two. Swapped drinks. Nothing special."
Donnie: "I don't think so. I don't think I'm clever enough to come up with a good one."
Digits: "People usually prank me. But I've gotten my get back a couple times."
If you could swap bodies with anyone you know for a day, who would it be?
Green: "Hollis maybe. She's cool, maybe I could get somethin' out of it."
Peace: "Digits. And I'm making her lay the hell down."
Hollis: "Don't think I could do it. Donnie gets injured all the time. Digits's arms spazz at random. I'd give myself a concussion in Peace's body. Get killed in Green's. And would be annoyed to clean up after drunk assholes at my hangout spot as a bartender."
Donnie: "Digits maybe. Give her a mental break from her prosthetics at least."
Digits: "Green. Green all day. No I didn't answer that too fast. Fuck off."
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papabirdurskeks · 1 year ago
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I don't like posting personal stuff online but I just gotta get this out so please bear with me a moment.
I don't think its much a surprise I suffer from some very heavy depression and it only seems to get worse when the end of the year tends to come around. I know exactly what it is and why it happens, but it doesn't make the experience any easier as much as I wish it would be. I hate that it tends to peak its ugly head and starts hitting very hard right around Halloween, a time in which I thoroughly enjoy and love.
This is MY month, damn it. I want to enjoy the spookiness that it brings and be happy, yet this depression always wants to rear its ugly head at me and mock me for doing so. And...
I'm just so tired of it. I don't usually post about this stuff or talk to others about it because I'm genuinely afraid of the sort of backlash and ridicule I would gain from it. I don't want to say anything to my family because I don't want to feel like a massive burden on them even though I clearly know that isn't the case. I know they're there to help me, but I am too proud to admit I need help. And when I bottle it all up and snap at the wrong people, I further feel worse because I can't explain myself or find any sort of excuse around it. I SHOULD HAVE said something earlier and I didn't and then I just... hurt the people that care and love me the most.
I'm supposed to be the stable one. The rock. The support beam. That's how everyone looks at me and I want to be able to keep up with this so I can help them and others too.
But sometimes I can't stay up and I feel myself drowning at times and sink further and further into an abyss of eternal sadness...
I hate that I do this to myself. I hate that I can't let my pride down or push aside my fears over something like this. I just... I wish I could be less afraid and more comfortable with myself. I lack so much confidence now that I just let myself sink without trying and I don't want this to be the norm.
I want to be happy and just push past all of this and tell my depression to fuck off. I want to do so much without that fearful repercussion lingering in my mind and tell that voice that tells me "You will always fail/Never be good enough" to shut the fuck up and let me breathe.
I just want some peace in my mind. I'm sorry you all have to sit through this mess and see my constant swings of mood and pay for it. I'm sorry... I am so sorry.
I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to do better, but its hard. I am really trying though. So please, bear with me a little bit as I try to figure things out.
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echoequinox · 1 year ago
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Starfield spoilers but you know what I'd kill for in the DLC
There are two big things I'd love. 1. Va'ruun. Obviously. The embassy is there so it's likely they're gonna show up, and also their WHOLE ASS HOME PLANET isn't in the game yet so. I hope we get a real serpent. I hope that the serpent is either a legit fucking big scary beast or that the Va'ruun leader is a Starborn
SPEAKING OF, you know what I'd kill for? An endgame story quest. You make it through your tenth run, you have a maxed out Starborn ship, armor, X level powers. And then you find other Starborn do too. They're at the apex of their power, just like you. The Hunter and Emmissary are back, as per usual, but there's so many MORE Starborn now. You all keep going back, and that means universes are absolutely full of Starborn.
So there's war. The Hunter and Emmissary are like, opposing and hesitant generals, neither wants to LEAD really but people follow them - maybe a lot of Yous, or Thems, or Constellation members - and they feel obliged to not leave them behind.
And so now there's REAL stakes. The universe torn asunder. Entire cities under new martial law by superpowered time traveling freaks. The UC and Freestar in shambles trying to deal with this new threat to their world.
The option to cut everyone in the current universe off from Unity FOREVER - yourself included! - in an attempt to stop these newly powerful armies from moving forward.
Maybe you get a set of Constellation companions who have seen it all. A Sarah who loved you and watched you die, and ventured into the black to find another you. A Sam who lost his little girl, and a version of his daughter - all grown up - who lost her daddy. Andreja, fully realized, a Va'ruun badass with deadly powers. Maybe Barrett found his husband, and wants to make this universe good for him, somewhere they could live in peace. Fuck, maybe Matteo, Walter, and Vladimir took the plunge, maybe you have their fully realized versions, too.
A final confrontation with fate and destiny. One last hurrah. Rather than the simple question of Hunter v Emmissary your first go-around, you now have to truly reconcile with eternity. Is it right to let these people flow out into every universe? Is it right to keep them here when they've touched infinity? Is it right for the people of this universe to damn them to being in a universal terrarium with the Starborn?
Maybe if you play it right, the Starborn get their own cluster of planets like the UC/Freestar. Maybe they get an embassy in New Atlantis, and people are offered the opportunity to touch the same powers that the Starborn had. Maybe there's even post-ending quests where you can see how the factions interact with each other.
Also permanent Hunter/Emmissary companions, fully romancable. This Emmissary is you, so you dont have to figure out randomly which Constellation member it is, also you can fuck yourself. I just really wanna fuck the Hunter okay I really wanna kiss that dirty old man.
Man idfk!!!! Starfield feels like the prologue to such a cool story and we never get there
EDIT: SECRET FINAL BOSS IS THE VERSION OF YOU IN UNITY, THEY'RE INFINITY INCARNATE AND THEY'RE MAD YOU'RE TRYING TO SEAL OFF UNITY AND ALSO WE GET A BRIEF GLIMPSE AT WHO MADE THE ARTIFACTS
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thecrimsonjaguar · 1 year ago
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its fucking time baybee
Alright. Alright. FUck. Oh my fuck. I have time now to sit down and process fionna and cake. god fuck. holy shit.whta the fuck , ive been so busy and ive finally caught up and. god what the shit
FUCK
DAMN IT ALL GOD FUCKIGN FGUIGT5BFEWIGTRFTHY
god fucking damnit i KNEW it was going to tear my HEART out we're not even FINISHED YET THE SHIT WHAT THE FUCK
uuuguhuhuhuhuhuhuh i need to be coherent. ok. ok.
I planned initially to talk about the episodes individually but fuck that,
So Simon is very suicidal. like. oh god I know we saw it in the original series but here it's on another level. He doesn't *just* want to die. He wants to put himself through an experience he considers WORSE than death for the rest of eternity. like. hell man. hes not ok
and like. i've mentioned it before but simon's just so. nice, yknow? He's kind. he's good. You can see he wants to be a good person and that part of him is like, slowly being drawn out again. He's so damaged and stuck in the past that he ends up hurting people around him. he made a little girl cry. He tried to talk about it with marcy, we know he's not okay with his behavior. and then with the candy queen, he's sees that she's nuts and he is immediately talking about helping her. He's trying to give her the kindness and help that he was denied for so long.
(and it makes me think about Ice King, right? Like, remind me, has anyone, and I mean ANYONE, ever approached IK and genuinely, earnestly asked IK for real help? If a little kid asked IK to please save them, would simon's kindness shine through? would Ice King help?)
And i'm genuinely nervous about what's to come. I imagine at some point it's going to hit F+C that the crown and Simon do NOT mix. And it's going to probably be a rude wakeup call. but what about after that?
Like. we didn't see Simon in the afterlife. We've all been theorizing about that for a bit but since we know for a FACT that simon is aging, then I imagine something is going to happen to him that keeps him from the deadworlds. and i'm putting a lot of trust into the show because it's really good so far so if something strange and cosmic DOES happen to simon, i have faith it will be good.
but like!!!! i kinda don't........ want that?? I want him to live in his OWN reality and make peace there, so he doesn't get separated from marcy. (The Simon and Marcy relationship is pretty much one of my favorite, if not the favorite, thing i love about AT. If something does happen to simon, I want him to have some way to stay connected to marceline.) And I want him to still be friends with Finn and I want him to make it up to that little girl he hurt. Im nervous he'll end up leaving and while we might get some of that, will everything get resolved in a satisfying way???
probably (hopefully) i'm being paranoid. This show is great so far. I think it can handle simon for a while longer. and i think if something weird does happen to simon, i can enjoy it.
i got more thoughts, but this post will do for now
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bigbootychuuya420 · 1 year ago
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Loki season 2 episode 6 kicked. My. Ass.
Spoilers below the cut;
I have never burst into tears like that before, it was during loki taking all the multiverse threads or whatever and just waltzing his way on up that I just started bawling my eyes out. I didn’t even know what I was feeling, tears just started falling down my cheeks as I was just blown away. I found this episode was amazing, the pace awesome, the way Loki was owning his shit and doing everything to keep everyone safe awesome, the music and just everything technical that went into this episode, a w e s o m e.
The way they showed his delemma and his struggle coming to terms what he had to do, it was either let everyone he cared about and the entire multiverse die, or killing one of the only people he has ever felt a connection to in his life (cause while I don’t like the selfcest I do like how they were able to truly understand one another). Him going back to Mobius and asking him how to take comfort in killing and being told “there is no comfort, you just gotta chose which burden to carry” and so he choses the hardest option; sacrificing himself so that everyone he loves lives and is able to live the lives they want with nothing holding them back (and a nice bonus being everyone in the multiverse gets freedom, but we know WHO he was doing it for) but giving into his greatest fear of being alone. He chose the struggle of having to stay behind and keep everything in order so that the people he loves gets a chance while damning himself to a literal eternity alone. Cause idk about you but I don’t think anyone’s getting to him any time soon, idek where HE is. The old “he who remains” spot probably? But that’s a huge ass tree man Idk…Also the music, tension, lighting and just everything with that scene felt so powerful and made me really feel like “oh shit this is it??”
And the way his sacrifice SHOWED AFTER!? The change from the mechanical vibes of everything just doing what needs to be done, the path always being paved, no freedom into a living breathing thing where it’s shown that Loki has made it so the mindset is to help the multiverse grow and to nourish it. It was beautiful, and just the change from the war room having like what 3 ppl? With one being stuck in the last, one asleep, and the one who actually was like yeah let’s move forward with fuckin freedom?? To a whole ass room of people being busy and showing to actually out in effort to make this work and allowing there to be freedom and no genocides (is that the right word?) happening just because someone stepped on the wrong leaf. After season 1 being filled with this oppressing air of a bureaucracy, there being an almighty and those who carry out their every whim without questions, it was so refreshing to see that there’s actual life to it now. All because of my BABY 😭😭
And then there’s Mobius’s scene, where after the entire season, if not the entire series, of him saying that he’s okay with what he has and how he just wants to focus on the now, to the how he’s scared he’ll see something good and have the temptation to go and try to live it for himself, he finally lets go. After Loki’s gone (ig there’s still gonna be a jet ski unused 😔😔), he’s just shown waiting around, finally ready to see his life on the time line and finally take his life fully into his hands. The MUSIC!! THE LIGHTING!! THE SOUND!! All of it was like a punch to the gut cause he just was gonna stand there and let time pass, im gonna sob my fucking eyes out AGAIN!! He finally is just able to live and breath, take his time looking at what he was protecting without the constant stress of the job waging on him, finally at peace after like 500+ years!!! And omg, his story about how he used to be a hunter but was too scared of killing a kid even though they were gonna be the cause of 5000 deaths was so beautifully done, I just felt like it reinforced how he was always the outliner of the TVA, his wake up moment after probably centuries of just doing his job. God he is just so JAMSKDNALS Y!KMKW!? LOVE THAT GUY!!
I also just loved all the characters this season, everyone felt so charming and I loved everyone. Tho I still have a love/hate relationship with sylvie, but after rewatching s1 im leaning more to the love side. Cause she just sticks to her ideals and she’s like traumatized so can I really say anything? She’s cool af, bad ass for sure!! And I’VE LOVED LOKI FROM THE START, 2012 (DIDNT WATCH THE THOR MOVIES) - TO NOW BBY!! Tho after seeing some edits I think ima watch them all, apparently they’re like, hidden gems. Or only some ppl like em ig?? Anyways, no one’s probably gonna read this cause it’s just a recap of well, everything rather then an actual me feeling shit, but if you made this far thanks!! Have a wonderful day!! Or night!!
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mizumech · 1 year ago
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Day 1: Axe/Shield
Hi, it’s mizumech here, and this is my entry for day 1! The title of this work is ‘Be my Heart, my Hand, my Voice’ and it is 1010 words long! I may put this on ao3 after the event and I reserve the right to edit later. :)
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As the Hand of the Red King, it is of utmost importance that he protect him. 
What is he, if not the Axe that kills to protect? By the power vested in him by Dogwarts, he is both servant and steward and Martyn must fight with and for his liege till certain death or until springtime brings uncertain peace.
Hark the heralds angels sing, the kingmaker had declared, arms draped in long green robes as he raised his scepter over Ren’s shoulders twice, may ye rise now, blood-crowned king.
“My Hand,” Ren had later implored, “crown me in turn by your axe, that I may truly be blood-crowned and become the Red King that our people need.”
Martyn had hesitated. Lots could go wrong with something like that. 
Was he worthy of this? To be the hero of a story where gods raised kings and kings raised people and people ate kings like an eternal snake?
Ren presses a book into his hand and holds his other hand as he drags Martyn into a corridor that leads outside into a courtyard which then leads to an altar.
His king then kneels to dust off the carvings running around the sides and Martyn really feels like he should be the one doing that instead.
But he doesn’t and he just stands there for a bit with the axe as he watches Ren work; blowing cobwebs off corners and using his cloak to wipe off the grime and it’s then Martyn decides to step in.
It won’t do for Ren to use grimy robes or to risk mold or fungus messing with his health.
“My liege, use mine instead.”
“No thank you, Martyn. Come. Sit beside me. My cloak is padded. Comfort first, you know?”
It’s been so long since his king has called him by his name that he doesn’t truly register the way it slips off the tongue lightly with care as he watches Ren spread his cloak.
(The way it falls looks like blood.)
“Are you sure, my liege?”
“I’d really appreciate it, my dude. It’s getting cold this time of year, if you know what I’m saying?”
Martyn quietly sets his axe down before taking a seat next to his king. Ren is talking in the informal register by now, letting his childhood mannerisms bleed through, so Martyn assumes this isn’t a political thing.
It’s real, real, Ren.
Ren’s hands cover his own as they sit by each other's sides, moonlight dappling over them like rain.
“Remember those storytellers? The couple that came by a while ago? Jimmy and—“
(Scott’s name does not stir good feelings within him.)
Both of them are pretty ineffectual and Jimmy is an amiable soul, and Scott is…sometimes not that…but Martyn has looked into them, and they were born in a region allied with the Sand People. 
Deep down, Martyn knows that that blasted land is the reason they are even having this conversation.
That is why he is the axe of Dogwarts and the Hand of Ren; blood-crowned king.
He is the shield of this nation, the Atlas who must hold up the very foundations of what it took to build it up.
No longer can he wander, no shorter must he delay to come to the defense of his liege.
“—they said to ‘Come, and listen, come listen to the country breathe,’ and I want to do that, you know? I want to feel what it's like to suffer.”
Martyn, on the other hand (ha!), does not want to know what it will be like to see Ren suffer.
But what can he do? He cannot refuse Ren anything. He has never been able to. 
“Anything for you, my liege.”
Ren turns to face him, Martyn’s hands in his.
“Do you trust me?”
Yes, he does. He trusts Ren with his full heart.
Just as he is the shield of his nation, Ren is his shield against the evils of the world. Ren is the flaming light that drives away the dark and shadow in his soul and sometimes he feels so damn ineffectual—
He nods.
“Then, my Hand, I need you to take your axe and behead me with it right here on Blackheart Altar!”
…is that treason?
That would be treason, wouldn’t it.
And Ren is his king, and his liege, and so much more.
How could he?
Martyn picks up his axe and cradles it close, fingers trailing over the head and the handle.
The battleaxe, Red Winter. A gift from Ren himself, forged by his own hand and name engraved by his awl.
Well, everything cycles back eventually. The eternal snake, no?
“I don’t know if I could do it, my lord.”
“By the book will I rise again, Martyn. I don’t do things without thinking it through.”
“…never change, my liege.”
Ren clears his throat, and reverts back to his formal nature, with the rolled ‘r’s and dramatic demeanour as he lets go of Martyn’s hand and gestures for Martyn to stand up so he can lie down for the beheading.
“So, my Hand, I must ask you to do this terrible deed. Slay me like you would a Pythia’s goat and let the chill not temper your courage! These stars were made for us and we must take these chances!”
“You and me, my liege,” Martyn says as he leafs through the tome, “it’s going to be you and me, forever.”
He hates this. Why does he sound so uncertain in his belief of forever? 
“Forever,” Ren affirms.
Martyn raises his axe. He may be the shield of Dogwarts, ready to serve and sworn to protect, but if his liege should want him to kill him for the sake of suffering, he shall not give him the disservice of going easy on him. 
The Atlas of Dogwarts has borne the brunt of kindness far too long. He lets the axe fall messily as the book roars to life with a golden light.
Atlas shrugs, and his world comes tumbling down as the axe raises for another blow.
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mintytealfox · 1 year ago
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Hellooooo, its me again uwu.
A bring more Nortalice/Alicenort content! This time its AU releated stuff! Hope that is alright
-Modern AU, they are like Shaun and Ryan from Buzzfeed Unsolved with a mix of Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo thrown in. Lots of hijinks and breaking into restricted and or forbidden areas. Sometimes they are actually solving cases, other times they broke into a gas station left to rot from the 1980s because Alice swears she saw something in there and it results with Norton rushing Alice to the doctors because she ate expired Cosmic Brownies. Not like Norton will complain, because him and Alice agreed on 50/50 on the money that comes from the cases and beats working his dead end job.
-Fantasy AU, Norton is the king of the demon realm, and Alice is the queen of Paradis (the one seen in LG and Orpheus's essences). Their kingdoms have tension with each other. Orpheus the Novelist urges war while Nightmare (yes they are two separate people). Alice however is like "Nah, imma talk to the king" and goes to the demon realm, so the two can work on some sort of peace treaty. Nonsense ensues and the two slowly fall in love, it ending with Norton asking for Alice's hang in marriage, which at first she thinks its so their kingdoms dont fight and his response being "...no you dumbass i love you. Thats why im asking to marry me"
Oletus Manor Doesnt Happen AU, aka what if Norton and Alice never went to the manor but still met each other. Can imagine its because Alice is doing a report on Golden Caves, what happened, why it shut down and interviews Norton, the only survivor from the accident. The two just seem to click and neither know why. Norton at the start tries to use this to his own personal gain, since in his state, he knows damn good and well, he will not be able to get a job again, forcing him in poverty so he tries to butter up Alice, get close to her in the hopes maybe he can marry into money. Alice also tries to use this connection to her advantage, hoping Norton's ties to the mining industry can give her access to more secretive information (like how they treat their workers). They do end up falling love properly though, and Alice uses the money from her family to help push Norton out of poverty and help him start a small jewelry business with the only catch being "Before you even dare spend a penny on clothes or luxurious things, I want you to spend the money I give you to go see a doctor in the chance to save yourself. I care too much about you Norton". Which in turn breaks Norton, but like a good break, like a "Holy fuck, she really does love/care about me, this wasn't an act, i wasnt dumb to let her into my life"
HELLO 🫡You're always welcome!! 🤣 AU stuff is ABSOLUTELY ALRIGHT 👏👏👏
LOOOL I saw Shane and Ryan and 80s and my brain went STRANGER THINGS LOL Like it starts as Norton: 'lol ghost hunting, those aren't real at least these people are paying' while Alice: 'ghost hunting, can you imagine the stories ghosts could tell if they could speak easily?? How thrilling!' But it turns into running for their lives LOL followed by eating expired cosmic brownies like nothing happened but they are all covered in dirt and grime and trauma LOL
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OH F A N T A S Y A U S are ALWAYS BANGERS IN MY EYES AAAAHHH YEESS! Gives me strong Persephone and Hades vibes and that has me SO HYPE OH MY GOOOSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AND This reminds me of the theory I saw who knows where by this point lol but it was about the one Alice skin 'Eternity' and FG's skin 'Infernal Sin' and it went something like him being the dragon of the apocalypse to deal out the punishments that Eternity laid out. Something like that, I wish I could remember it cause it was dope as hell LOL
IF THEY MET WITHOUT THE MANOR AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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10000000% using each other until Alice falls first and Norton falls HARDER MUAHHAHAHA Recently my brain keeps going to the quote from 'Our Flag Means Death' and they say "you wear nice things well" and just seeing Alice saying that to Norton when he finally gets to get all dressed up for something and him like 'oh woah' but the magic fading pretty quick at the realization, 'this is not comfy at all' and then waiting until at the gathering to say something out of pocket like "I feel like I have a pickaxe shoved all the way, right up my--" -Alice slams her hand over his mouth- 🤣🤣🤣
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okthatsgreat · 1 year ago
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HI LEE i get so excited whenever you rb those oc ask games.. anyway!! apricot, marmalade, bronze and spark for whichever oc you feel like talking about?? :D
HIIIIII LILY AND HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO YOU (I THINK)!!!! <33 um umm im gonna give this one to naomi :]]
OC ASK GAME!!
apricot - who are they to you, the creator? are they your child, your beloved, your experiment, etc?
she's like. hm. shes kind of like a thing to me. like a guy thats a thing. and im shaking her around a bit in my skull and shes just sorta flailing about ragdoll style
marmalade - would they sacrifice their meal if someone else needed it?
LMFAOJOFID um. dependssss really depends!! naomi is already a pretty picky eater so taking an eternity to settle on something to eat and then immediately handing it off isnt extremely appealing to her. for STRANGERS especially. if its somebody she knows and they are really making a big deal about being hungry (as in to the point where she becomes uncomfortable) she'll hand it off lmao. this girl is NOT charitable and she can get kinda protective over her things </3 she's way more likely to just get up and buy/make them another meal i reckon !!!
bronze - what do they do when they lose? do they lose often?
naomis life can honestly be defined by a series of losses tbh BUT um she's not the SOREST of losers. im imagining in a monopoly situation with her friends or something, her loss would be more played up than anything like "ohhhh damn youve bested me 😱 fuuucckkkkkk". like she doesnt really TRY too hard bc shes surrounded by people who are all yelling "IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!!!! IM NUMBER ONE AT MONOPOLY ILL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and she doesnt wanna set herself up for disappointment most of the time LMAOOFDSO
BUTTTT for sports especially she definitely can get a bit competitive at times !!!!!!!!!! she KNOWS shes fucking fast, and while she isnt one to outwardly snark about it she can be a try hard when it comes to class games of volleyball or something hfdkjg. thats one of the things shes good at so she'll allow herself a bittttt of leeway when it comes to raising her expectations
besides like. just kind of losing at life in general she doesnt tend to lose a lot of competitions, mostly because she ONLY does comps shes good at lmao!! she got the title of ultimate free runner for a reason >:) also fun fact about her she is extremely good at those professional tag competitions its kinda scary
spark - what motivates them?
the innate need for survival above all else and the lingering fear of inevitability and pain that hangs over her. peace and love
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