#realized i never posted these here only on my main blog !!! feel free to use em

[8pxl]

pretty drinks i've made and the reference photos of them 🌸🌿✨ buy a wallpaper or leave a tip / twitter / instagram / shop 

[toxicanonymity]

For context, a tumblr account has been posting anon hate for the past week or so, mostly toward writers. A parasocial hater of mine discovered the account and has been going to town. I posted this after they invoked Israel as an analogy. Yes really.

Obviously I am disgusted by what I just read, and floored that anyone would post such a deranged analogy in the interest of stirring up fandom drama. I'm very sorry to everyone who has been attacked and everyone who has witnessed all this. Others have posted about the situation as a whole, and I'm not sure what I could add. But I want you to know many of these "confessions" are from one individual who has been fixated on me (and probably others) for weeks if not months. I already had the following in my drafts:

warning: please don't read this if you're sensitive to hate or could be triggered by the trivialization of real abuse. (edit: they went on to trivialize genocide too but they'll pretend to be different people). there's also a really gross anatomical reference.

the screenshots are all after I blocked them.

I normally don't address things like this, but that's because I'm trying to keep it off your dash and off my blog (for several reasons including not wanting to give the hate a larger audience for their message). Normally I block/delete. But thanks to a blog dedicated to posting anon hate, some of this is already on the dash, and I thought some additional context could be illuminating.

a couple weeks ago, this person chimed in on my non-fandom post, and their comment made me uncomfortable. I checked to see if they followed me and they didn't, plus their blog tagline was antagonistic. I was confident they weren't being earnest. I replied, pointing out my issue with their comment and asking them to keep their thoughts to themselves rather than coming at me from a sideblog. I thought they must have followed me from a main account since they somehow found an untagged, unreblogged post without following me. But I now realize they were simply hate checking my blog.

(Blocked the burner too)

They were saying this last bit preemptively - I've never talked about stalkers here. I didn't include all their anons, just enough to show they clearly out themselves as being the same person. In other "confessions," they make repeated references to a former fandom writer they idolize (not me) who they also posted about on their blog.

I won't be dropping this creep's url in this post, but I had never heard of them. This week they have repeatedly changed their url, display name, and blog appearance. Their writing is recognizable and I believe they are responsible for the unhinged asks preceding katy's departure from tumblr. They also made a rude comment on her post.

This may only aggravate them. I expect them to hurl any lies and accusations they can think of toward me. They will act like they're laughing and amused, too. You may recognize their tone. I want to trust this fandom not to believe and repeat anything they hear, but unfortunately my experience in this fandom leaves me pessimistic.

I can only hope people use common sense at this point.

Note - I know I'm normally really private about everything, but you're welcome to share this. Their lies are already out there anyway. Also feel free to DM me and I will tell you what you want to know.

Update: the anon-hate account referred to above has deactivated. It was named pedgeconfessions. It wasn't the first to pop up this summer and may not be the last.

[russellsppttemplates]

We learn to hold its hand (Charles Leclerc)

Two hearts that lost themselves in pain.

Two hearts that found eachother in love.

Note: english is not my first language. It's been some time since I posted one of these, hopefully I still know how to do it 🥲 A lot of changes have been going on at my job and I've been trying to adjust to all of it without loosing my sanity and writinb has been a good escape! I know this is a heavy topic, so proceed carefully, but I was feeling like writing this so here it goes... For those who are here and have stayed, thank you for being so patient and for staying - I hope this is good enough ✨️

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated 🤍 and I'm not taking requests right now, so if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to send them in but know that I don't know when I'll be able to get to them!

my masterlist

Cw: cancer, death of close relatives (reader's and Charles' father), grief, hospital procedures

Tag list: @myloverjk-blog @hiireadstuff @c-losur3 @sltwins

"Bonjour papa", Charles greeted, running his hand over the photograph that was on the grave, "I just got back from the track where we did the testing for Sauber, the last one before the season starts. It's hard, but I'm not afraid", he gulped, "Because you taught me that, even if I'm afraid, I have to go with fear. To move forward, because that's the only way. In racing, I can do that, but I won't be able to continue my life without you because I won't be able to. I try. Every day, I try. For maman, especially, since she tries to be strong for me, Lorenzo and Arthur, and somewhere along the way, we gathered the strength we didn’t know we had, but when we realize it, there it is, supporting us. I'm sure it's you. Every day, I remember that afternoon when you taught me how to ride a bike. Your insistence on removing the training wheels from the big wheel that ended up with a wound on my knee and that made me scream a few times. I remember you telling me that there were worse things than that simple scratch. I never thought that one day we would have to face them and that they would be the main reason why you are no longer by my side", Charles wiped away the tears, while he couldn't help but smile at the beautiful memories that came back to him, "But more than that, I remember the day you put a kart in front of me for the first time. There, I knew it was love for life. Yes, like Francis Cabrel's song. Or that afternoon when I stepped onto the concrete of the best race circuit in the world. There, I knew that I would begin a story in which, even though I was the main character, I would never have been able to write all the chapters that have been completed so far without the help of your pen. That support, that dedication, that encouragement, that love, father. Without them, I would never be the Charles that I am today. There was so much left to say and so much to do. But I am grateful for everything we said and for everything we did. I remember you telling me that you could no longer be strong and you asked me to be. I miss you so much. I miss you so much that I cannot express in words. I just want to thank you for continuing to light my path and for being the best father in the world. You are not by my side, but you are on my side. I feel that, every day. Thank you for continuing to support me in every race and in every challenge that life throws at me. Thank you for being so present, even though you're so far away. I miss you every day. And I feel you with me every day. Je t'aime, papa", he says goodbye, standing up and shaking off the little dirt on his jeans.

He picks up his backpack and starts walking towards the cemetery exit, but a sweet, melodious voice makes him stop walking. Charles looks in its direction, observing a female figure who, sitting next to someone's grave, was quickly but skillfully strumming the acoustic guitar and, at the same time, singing the song he had included in today's conversation with his father. Je l'aime à mourir by Francis Cabrel. Charles smiles at such coincidence and turned his back, picking up his pace, but soon stopping again, feeling a great need to go and meet that girl whose voice conveyed the pain he knew so well - loss.

Charles swallowed hard and instead of walking away, he found himself getting closer and closer to the young woman who, judging by your physical features, was probably around his age.

He waited for you to finish the song to make myself present, since you hadn’t noticed him yet.

“I miss you every day, Lucas. I wish you were here. It would make everything so much easier", he heard you say, through tears, and he felt the impact of all her words. There wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t feel the same way.

Charles looks at the person you were visiting and his eyes almost popped out of his head when he notices the photo of a boy who couldn’t have been more than eight years old in that portrait. The date of death was twelve years ago.

"Who are you?", you ask.

Charles quickly woke up from his thoughts, focusing his gaze on you, now curiously appreciating him. The colour of your eyes, the way your hair fell down your back and your bare skin faacinaged him.

"Forgive me", he requested, a little embarrassed, "I heard you sing and I couldn't help but come here and tell you that you sing very well and that the person you dedicated the song to probably agrees with me", he replied and your shy laugh made him laugh too.

"Thank you", you offered, quite embarrassed, which was still funny, "He's my twin brother. He was eight years old when he left", you pointed to the portrait you had looked at moments before.

"My father. He passed away a couple of months ago", Charles decided to share the reason why he was also there.

"My brother had a rare blood disease, a cancer doctors were never able to identify. Chemotherapy and radiotherapy were not enough to cure him. In fact, the body of an eight-year-old boy could only handle so much at that time. I was the same age, but I will never forget my brother’s suffering and the strength he had until the end. My childhood innocence was taken from me that day. I am not an example to anyone. The true example of life left more than a decade ago, on a journey that still had a long way to go had it not ended the way it did", you said as you packed your things, letting your anger speak.

Charles noticed the crack in your voice and a few seconds later, he heard your sniffle.

The first instict he had was that he wanted to hug you in that moment and reassure you with just his arms, since words would never be enough comfort at a time like that. And at the same time, he felt that you needed to talk to someone who, being unknown and impartial, would never judge you for the anger you were experiencing.

"My father battled cancer for a few years but, unfortunately, he ended up losing the fight in July. However, the real winner is him. For so many reasons: for the way he faced the reality that was knocking on his door, for how he forced us to face it in the most positive way possible, so that it would become a little easier, and for the way he prepared us for his departure. He is a true hero. If, one day, I can be half the man and father that he was and is, you can be sure that I will leave this life happy", Charles spoke.

"They truly are the heroes who left early to prove that angels really exist", you said, looking at Charles intently in a way made him feel like an open book in front of the most beautiful reader he had ever seen in his life.

"I couldn’t agree more", Charles murmured, too caught up in the gaze of that twenty-year-old girl who was so much more like him than he had thought.

"Y/N", you held out your hand and he smiled at your introduction.

"Charles", he reciprocated, fitting his hand in yours, which you immediately shook.

And there, he knew that you were marked by the wound that would never heal and by the feeling that would never disappear: pain.

There, those two hearts that were lost in pain would be the same ones that would find each other in love.

.

Charles got up from the floor, after the usual daily conversation he shared with his father after training. He noticed you in the same position you had been in before, but this time, you were reciting poems from a small book you had in your hand, completely distracted from your surroundings.

It was the first time in almost three weeks that he had seen you again. You had stopped showing up at the same time as he did and for a moment he thought you were avoiding him. But he soon put those thoughts aside. After all, if you didn’t even know each other that well, what was the need?

“Y/N", Charles said as he approached you, alerting you of his presence.

You looked at him with a shy smile and immediately stood up as well, "I haven’t seen you around here since", he added and you laughed softly.

"In the last three weeks, I came in the morning, because of the internship I'm doing. I had to change schedules with a colleague and I couldn't come in the afternoon. Now everything is back to normal, so here I am", you explained and he nodded in understanding, "You never miss your schedule", you pointed out it was his turn to laugh.

"This is the best time for me to come because this way, I can spend more time with my father before the cemetery closes", Charles explains and you nod, "Hmm, I really like talking to you but, is it just me who thinks we're not in the best place?".

Your beautiful laugh makes him laugh too, "Without shadow of a doubt", you agreed, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear.

"I bet you're hungry", Charles assuredly and you laughed again.

"Very", you dmitted, blushing, which made him smile at your embarrassment, "the line at the bakery in front of where I work was too long and, I'm sorry, but patience has never been my strong point", you defended yourself and he giggled.

"So it's better to go without food...?", Charles quirked an eyebrow as he asked, surprised and you laughed, rolling your eyes.

"I wouldn't go without food, obviously. I was just going to have to snack something later", you shrugged.

Once you stood outside the cemetery, you looked at each other intensely, not knowing what to say, "Would you accept an invitation for a snack?", Charles gathered the courage to ask and it was your turn to laugh at his shyness.

"Yes", your positive answer made him smile.

"Do you have a car?", he asked and you said no.

"Not yet. It’s at the mechanic’s", you made a face of disgust and Charles laughed, "the good news is that my father can pick it up at the end of this week. You have no idea how much I need it for my internship", you complained and Charles smiled at you relaxed way.

"Then you’re coming with me", he invited and you thanked him.

Charles lead you to his car and you smiled in gratitude when he opened the door for you so you could get in.

"And, if you’ll allow me, can I know what you study, Y/N?", Charles asked curiously, when you were already in line at the caffè, the place being chosen by the young woman during your journey, which had been made in a silence that Charles wouldn’t consider awkward but also not very comfortable. The awkwardness was still there.

"Radiology and radiotherapy", you replied, letting out a smile, "Twelve years ago, for a few months, I followed my brother's fight and was inspired by the humanity of those doctors and the team responsible for his case. The way he was treated, the constant encouragement in his recovery, the words and friendly shoulder they gave my parents, and even me, the way they prepared us for the worst and the way they accompanied us in our mourning, was truly human and truly inspiring. And there, I decided that this was something I would like to do in the future. I want to help others like they helped me more than a decade ago", you said proudly, earning a big smile from Charles.

You were interrupted when it was your turn to make the requests and respective payment. Charles insisted on paying the entire bill and you gave in, after much insistence from his behalf.

"Next time, you'll pay", Charles promised, as you walked aimlessly through the streets of Monaco.

"Will there be a next one?", you asked, laughing and Charles couldn’t help but look away from your shy eyes, "It’s a promise, then", you added and Charles looked at you again, already looking at him with a smile.

You ended up sitting on the lawn of a garden, finally digging into your food.

"And you? Can I know what you study?", you asked, equally curious and Charles laughed, still feeling a little satisfied that you didn’t know him as a Formula One rookie.

"I’m a race driver", he told you and you looked at him in surprise.

"What category? And which team?", you asked with interest and he smiled.

"The best in the world and the biggest one in racing", he replied, not wanting to say the team's name directly, because that way he would be able to know which one she supported.

"Do you race for Ferrari?", you asked and Charles smiled broadly, happy with what he had heard.

"I was in their academy last year", Charles confirmed and you smiled.

"How come I've never seen you there?", your curiosity and interest were something that satisfied him. After all, he wasn't the only one who wanted to know more.

"I was in Formula Two with Prema", he explained and her "makes sense", spoken in English, made him laugh.

"But tell me something. Are you regular at races?", Charles asked and you nodded.

"You could say that", you both laughed, "My father and grandfather were always

big racing fans. In fact, they are. And they passed that love on to Lucas", you smiled and looked down at the ground, "The few times he wasn't in the hospital, he was at the track. What he felt for racing was something I had never seen before. It was contagious. Everyone infected Lucas and he infected me. After his death, I promised myself to accompany my father and grandfather, and even go there alone, to every race that was done there. It was, and is, a way of feeling Lucas with me. That’s why I love racing so much", you looked at him with teary eyes, letting the tears fall when Charles brought his thumb to your face, caressing it.

"I’m sorry", you murmured and he quickly denied it, so that you would know that everything was okay.

"You’re inspiring, Y/N. I hope you know that", Charles offered.

You shook your head, smiling, "No, I don't think so. I’m just an eight-year-old child, in the body of a twenty-year-old girl who cries every night, wishing her brother was by her side", you spoke, with some difficulty, and Charles swallowed hard, trying to find the right words to comfort you.

"No, Y/N. You are a young 20-year-old woman who lost her brother at the age of eight and who, even today, is learning to deal with his absence", Charles said and you quickly wiped away the tears that were falling from your eyes, unable to help but sigh heavily.

"So, tell me, how does it feel to wear red? I clearly have been focusing in specific catehorues", you asked with a smile and Charles smiles at your change of subject.

"Incredible. It is a dream come true. I have no words to thank the trust that my team put in me, and how stepping into F1, even if it's not Ferrari, is a huge sense of responsibility, after all, you’re representing one of the best teams in the sport, the best in the world for me", Charles proudly answered your question, not avoiding remembering the day he signed his first professional contract with the unspoken promise and hope of a place in the Scuderia.

"How many years has it been?", you asked.

"I've been with the best the world for a few years", you both smiled.

“We could go watch the historic race this Saturday on the track just outside the city", you invited Charles and he smiled at you initiative, not hesitating to nod.

“I was already thinking of going, but now I’m really going to", Charles answered and you blushed.

"Can you give me your phone number so we can arrange things better?", Charles asked, feeling brave enough to do so, and you nodded.

You exchanged contact details and chatted a little longer until you were interrupted by the ringing of your phone. Charles waited for the call to end and returned the smile you gave him.

"Typical motherly concern", you explained, and Charles laughed, nodding along

"I know how it feels", he commented and it was your turn to smile

"Since my brother passed away, my mother, who was already overprotective, has become even more so. I don’t blame her for that, quite the opposite. I have learned to deal with it and I don’t make her life harder, I have a very open relationship with my mother. My first academic choice was not Monaco, but in Montpellier", you said as Charles made such curiosity known and looked at you, "But the truth is that I couldn’t even finish the first semester in the city because I couldn’t stand being alone. It was as if the pain multiplied by mixing with the loneliness that I felt. We were so close that I couldn’t separate the pain of having to leave for one of my dreams. I wasn’t prepared for the nights when nightmares haunted me and the absence of my brother was felt more than ever. So, I asked my parents to come and get me and I moved back to Monaco, where it didn't get easier but it wasn’t as difficult as being alone. Since my brother left, we’ve gotten even closer. But the first few days were the hardest. My mother became depressed, my father closed himself off a bit more and, at the age of twelve, I let myself be suffocated by the feelings I had no one to talk to, until my father learned to deal with the pain and helped us do the same. Someone needed to get back on their feet and help others get back on their feet too, and my father was my hero. We sought out the best psychologists for my mother and her progress was very positive, but in truth, what she was doing, and rightly so, was mourning the loss of the most real, pure and true love in the world. She was mourning the death of her son. And she did it in the only way she knew how. Today, we continue to do it, but we do it differently. And if people now talk and watch us go about our day to day lives, it's not because it no longer hurts - because it hurts a lot - it's because we've learned to embrace pain and deal with it. We hold its hand. I think the learning process is lifelong. And I'm going to die, still learning how to deal with it", you said, and the impact of your words prompt Charles to shed a tear, which was joined by all the others, for all the memories that hit him.

"I miss him so much", Charles whispered, avoiding your gaze.

Just out of the corner of his eye, Charles could see you get closer to him, smiling faintly when you pulled him into a hug he didn't hesitate in joining.

You fit perfectly on his chest, head nestled there as he hugged you by your waist, enveloping you and kissing the top of your head without a hitch.

And in that first touch of many, you got to know eachother through the way you both knew so well - pain. And right there, without knowing, you started another one - love.

.

Charles was coming home after another training session, the last one before the charity race he was participating in which would take place the next day at ten in the morning. Today was also the historic race day, the race he would watch with you, after meeting up every day that week at your usual spot - although it wasn’t the happiest, you always ended up going to different places in the capital city, where you took the opportunity to get to know each other better.

"Charles", he heard his mother call out and smiled, going to meet the woman who was preparing dinner.

"Hi, maman”, he kissed her hair and bent down a little so she could kiss his cheek, “I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you", he looked at her with a guilty expression, "I'm not going to have dinner at home", he continued, enjoying the meat she was cooking that smelled very good.

"It's all right", Pascale smiled, "you're going to watch the historic race with Joris and Riccardo, aren't you?", she asked, as they were usually his company.

"Well, about that..", Charles mumbled, scratching the back of his neck in a gesture of confusion that didn't go unnoticed by the oldest in the room.

"Charles Marc Hervé Perceval! What aren't you telling me?", his mother asked, genuinely curious, and he laughed out loud when she turned off the stove and crossed her arms, waiting for him to start talking.

"I'm going with a girl", he started and saw her smile grow at the information he had given her, "her name is Y/N. She is twenty years old and is a final-year student in the radiology and radiotherapy course. Unfortunately, we did not meet under happy circumstances, but the time we have spent together has allowed us to create and experience moments that go beyond that", he explained, avoiding his mother’s gaze to hide his slight embarrassment.

"Where did you meet?", Pascale wanted to know.

"At the cemetery. It was during one of the visits I paid to papa, three weeks ago. She lost her twin brother to a rare blood disease that doctors were never able to identify. Y/N was eight years old when he passed away. I have never related with anyone as much as I did with her. She understands me. In fact, we understand each other. She is simply beautiful in every way", Charles shrugged, not avoiding a smile as he remembered you.

"Charles, is it just me or are you in love?", his mother asked with a smile as she hugged him, fitting into his arms.

"It’s not possible, maman. Only this week that we’ve gotten closer", he replied, not avoiding a nervous laugh.

Pascale laughed, "and since when did that stop you from feeling something for that young woman? Charles, amour, it’s not the time of things but the intensity with which we experience them", she wisely advised and Charles nodded, smiling weakly.

"Thank you for everything, maman. Je t'aime", he whispered against her hair, leaving a kiss there.

"Never forget that you, as well as your brothers, are my pride and the light of my eyes. Je t'aime, Charles", Pascale spoke.

Charles held his mothee on his arms, wanting her to be aware of the infinite gratitude he felt for her.

Pascale pulled away, wiping her tears, and smiled at Charles, "Come on, I don’t want you like this!", Charles asked and she laughed, waving.

"I’m fine", his mother assured, "Now go take a shower and get ready so you don’t keep the girl waiting. I’ll make you a bowl of cereal, so you can eat something before you go", she warned and smiled, getting a kiss on her forehead.

"You’re the best!!", Charles exclaimed, leaving the room, and she laughed.

"I know!", she said, laughing, and Charles laughed at her expression.

Once he got to his bedroom, Charles chose a presentable outfit, wanting to dress appropriately and blend in with all of the fans and enjoy the race that was probably one of the last moments before everything flooded in. The PR team had already warned him that once he was in Formula One, everything changed and he hoped he could have this evening.

He ran to the bathroom, took a quick and relaxing shower, and got dressed without rushing, making sure he looked his best. After that, he went back to the kitchen, where his mother was still, finishing the preparations for dinner.

“Since I didn’t have any company for the meal, I invited your cousins”, she said.

Charles gave her a guilty smile, "I'm really sorry, maman", he spoke sincerely, and it was her turn to laugh, shaking her head.

“It’s okay, Charles, I was just kidding. I want you to go and enjoy Y/N's company. I haven't even met her yet and I already like her", she commented.

"Oh really? Why is that?", Charles wondered, really interested.

"Why? Because every time you talk about her, it's impossible for you not to smile. And I like that", she admitted and he blushed, hearing his mother giggle at his shyness.

"Maman!", he mumbled and the older woman laughed.

"What's wrong?", she asked, pretending not to notice as her son rolled his eyes, laughing.

"I knew I shouldn't have said anything, I should've stayed quiet", Charles complained and she laughed out loud.

"As if I wouldn't eventually find out, Charles", she winked, convinced, and Charles laughed at the joviality that characterized his mother, even after everything that life had put her through.

They were closer than ever and he felt very comfortable sharing any kind of subject with her, she was his best friend and the best thing in his world.

"I really have to go", Charles announced, looking at his watch, making sure he wouldn’t be late.

"Do you have everything with you, amour?”, she asked and he looked at her confused.

“Yes, why?”, Charles answered with another question, while he set the bowl of cereal in the sink.

"Are you sure?", she insisted and he snorted, patting his pockets and checking that nothing was missing.

"I have everything", he replied, kissing her forehead as a way of saying goodbye, "I'll see you later. Je t'aime!", he shouted from the living room and heard her laugh.

"Do you have the condoms with you?", Pascale asked, giggling, and Charles almost choked on his own saliva.

He couldn't believe it.

"Seriously, maman?", he made himself heard out loud.

"Do you think I'm stupid, Charles? I too was a young woman your age once. And I'm too young to be a grandmother!", she said, coming to meet him at the door, and she couldn't help but laugh when she saw his embarrassment.

"I'm leaving!", Charles exclaimed, leaving a last kiss on her cheek and walking all the way to the car while laughing, knowing his mother never missed the opportunity and had a great ability to embarrass her own son.

Charles got in the car and drove off towards your house which, even after a week, continued to leave him astonished by the external beauty that set it apart from the others in the same neighborhood. He sent you a quick text letting you know that he was already waiting for you and, about three minutes later, he heard a door slam, looking in the direction of the noise and not helping but smile when he saw how you were dressed appropriately for the race.

"Wow, yes, we have a racing fan", he complimented and the brunette giggle.

You were dressed in a vintage jacket, an allusive cap with the peak turned backwards and the rest of the outfit complimented it.

The rest of the journey to the track was transformed into a karaoke session, "tell me if we don't make an unbeatable singing duo", you joked as you walked towards the interior of the building where you would be sitting.

"Like society hasn't seen in many years", Charles joined in your joke and you laughed

Charles put his right hand on your shoulder, hugging you and guided you through the crowd so that you wouldn’t lose each other. He heard his name being called and two kids running towards him, making you stop walking. He greetd them with a smile and they ask for a photo that would be the responsibility of the woman who was waiting for them to position themselves, "your girlfriend can also join the portrait", the oldest women pointed to you, and you couldn't help but blush, making Charles smile sideways when he noticed such a thing.

"We're not-", Charles didn't let you finish.

"Come here, Y/N", he asked and the lady waved, heading towards you.

After the photos were taken, the kids thanked Charles, immediately disappearing from our sight, "Do you want to see something around here or would you rather go inside now?", Charles chatted up while you tried to show yourself less embarrassed.

He couldn't help but admit that he was enjoying seeing you like that and, more than that, knowing that he was the one that made you feel that way.

"We can go inside, since race time is very close", you preferred and Charles nodded, placing his hand on the small of your back, leading you to the entrance.

You greeted the various security guards who were there and headed to the place that your tickets indicated. Because Charles belonged in a professional driving championship, he was entitled to the VIP stands.

"Wow", you exclaimed, truly enchanted by the view you had of the track, which was undergoing the final touches before opening its doors to the public.

"Have you never been here before?", Charles asked and saw you deny it, while remaining astonished, appreciating the atmosphere around you.

"Only for a visit when Lucas was with us, never when there was an actual race happening. This is going to be great", you finally looked at him, offering him a smile, "thank you, Charles", you spoke and he acknowledged the sincerity of your words, smiling at you broadly.

“You’re welcome", he downplayed the situation, just hoping you would feel good, "I don’t know if you drink, but would you like a beer? Or perhaps some wine?", he asked and you laughed.

“I don’t usually drink, but today I can make an exception", you accepted and Charles smiled.

“Are you sure? You have every right to say no" he made it clear and you laughed, denying it.

“Seriously, Charles, we can go", you insisted and he waved, giving you space so you could go ahead of him.

The crowd there was huge, but that didn't stop you from drinking and snacking before the race started.

"The teams are getting ready", Charles said as you finished our drinks and you waved, standing up and opening your wallet to take out the money.

"Hey you! What are you doing?", Charles quickly intervened, placing his hand on yours to stop your movements.

"Charles, what did you promise? 'You'll pay next time', that's what you said", you imitated his tone of voice and you burst out laughing.

"Can't you wait until next time?", he insisted and you gave him a death glare, making Charles realise there wasn't much he could do.

"Okay then", he gave in and you giggled smugly.

You went back to your seats after you paid, watching everyone get ready for the race.

"Do you have a favourite driver?", Charles wondered.

"I don't think so. Each one has something to offer to the races, and it's not like many of them are here", you spoke before seeing Lewis Hamilton approach one of the cars.

A song came on and you pulled Charles to dance with you, singing in his ear as he smiled, tightening his grip on your waist. "Now comes the part that no one knows how to sing", you added, moving away from Charles a little and he could notice your shyness, most likely because of the action you had done before.

You danced awkwardly, which earned you a couple of looks, and stopped when the announcer of the track, already full, made himself heard, announcing the race was about to start.

"I love this part", you smiled, getting a kiss from Charles on the hair that was not covered by your cap.

The race started out well and everything seemed to be going as they hoped, the announcer mentioning some facts they had about the historic race.

"THAT'S AN OVERTAKE!", you shouted and the entire section stood up, celebrating yet another great move from Lewis.

You screamed euphorically, pulling Charles into a quick hug, before joining in the celebrations with the rest of the fans.

This girl was out of this world, Charles thought.

"I've never seen a girl like you", he said, automatically enchanted by you.

"That's because I'm an exclusive edition", you joked and you both laughed, "Is that good?", you asked seriously.

Charles returned your gaze, nodding, "Very. You're different from everyone I've ever met", he admitted and you smiled, looking away from him.

"Good. That way, I don't have to worry about them", you shrugged.

Charles smiled, satisfied with the answer you had given him, "Come here" he asked in an act of courage, hugging you while you rested your head on his chest and focusing your attention on the race.

When the race ended for a break until the next one, you took the opportunity to go to the bathroom, while Charles chose to do the same.

Since he was quicker than you, given that the line was shorter, he waited for you outside, where there was a line of young people who were looking at him curiously.

"Finally", Charles muttered to himself as he watched you leave the compartment.

"What happened? Were you feeling watched over?", you made fun and he stuck his tongue out at you, pulling you closer to him. "Watched over?! It seemed like the girls were undressing me with their eyes", he accused.

"That was most likely exactly what was happening", you confirmed and he looked at you in shock, which made you laugh again, "What?! You can't judge them!", you argued.

Charles laughed, honestly pleased with what he had heard, "Oh really? Have you also undressed me with your eyes?", he whispered in youe ear.

"No, I prefer to do it with my hands", you murmured against his mouth and walked ahead of him, leaving him perplexed.

Well, take that, Charles, his subconscious spoke and he chuckled - the ability you had to leave him speechless was unbelievable. Noticing the faces you were making, he decided to return to your seats, where you were already dividing your attention between your cell phone and the track.

"What are you watching?", Charles asked, moving closer to you to observe what you were watching, spending some time watching the silliness and fun on her screen.

"The game is going to start again", Charles said as you quickly turned off the electronic device and hugged his waist, while you paid attention.

"What is he doing to Lewis?", Charles complained.

"Do not play around with him!", you joined.

"Maybe there's a favourite after all?", Charles teased you.

"Maybe, he is very skilled and handsome", you shrugged.

"Oh, good", Charles murmured, feeling a pang of jealousy at the way you had spoken about the driver.

Your laugh made him realize that you had noticed, "Charles, are you jealous?", you mocked and he rolled his eyes, avoiding looking at you.

"I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know that word", he shrugged, trying to make you forget the subject but you didn’t give in.

Instead, you brought your hand to his face, making him look at you, "I’m here with you, aren’t I?", you asked seriously and he smiled weakly, nodding along, "So it’s not Lewis that interests me", you concluded, paying attention to the track again.

Charles sighed, pulling you closer to him, a gesture that made you smile.

Once the race ended, you headed towards the outside, trying to avoid the confusion as much as possible.

"Shall we eat something?", Charles asked you, intertwining your fingers, and you smiled shyly at him, which made him chuckle.

"Please!", you agreed and laughed out loud. "Suggestions?", he asked and you looked thoughtful.

"The center might not be a good idea because it must be full after this", you ruled out, "that new panini shop?", you suggested and he agreed.

You got in the car and headed towards the shop, ordering it to go and Charles ended up choosing a nice spot that overviewed the city.

"Tomorrow I'm going to race", he began, "I know it's not your tradition, but I'd like for you to come watch", he invited and you smiled.

"I'll be there", you agreed and it was his turn to smile, "At what time is it?", you wondered.

"At 10:00 in the morning. I know it's Sunday but...", Charles trailed off.

"Tomorrow, at that time, I'll be there to support you", you promised and he thanked you.

Charles parked the car and you got out of the vehicle, enjoying the fresh night air, which was quite pleasant. He cleaned his shirt and pants again and heard you laugh as you came closer to help him with the crumbs.

"Clumsy", you criticized jokingly, and he stuck his tongue out at you.

You sat down on one of the benches that were there and you sighed, making Charles look in your direction.

"How peaceful", you whispered, while keeping your eyes closed and a small smile on your lips.

"Monaco is really beautiful", Charles said, hearing you agree with a small murmur.

You took off your cap and tried to fix you hair, making Charles laugh.

"Let me help you", he gently asked and you turned to him, letting him fix the rebelliousness that characterized you.

As soon as he finished, he continued to caress them, which made you close you eyes to enjoy the affection.

"Kiss me", you murmured and he looked at you in surprise.

"What?", Charles asked, trying to understand if he had heard correctly.

"Kiss me, Charles", you repeated.

"Can I?", still astonished, he wanted to make sure.

"You should", you replied as Charles smiled at your answer and pulled you towards him, appreciating the serenity of your face.

"Finally", Charles whispered against your mouth before finally placing your lips together for the first time - of many, he hoped.

You allowed his tongue to enter your mouth when he silently asked for permisson and he intensified your kiss, truly surrendering to you.

And in eachother's lips, you discovered the path to peace, the one you both had lost years before with the pain that had overwhelmed you.

.

You woke up to the sound of the alarm clock, quickly getting up, not wanting to be late for Charles' race,

"Y/N, dear?", you heard the surprise in you mother's voice and couldn't help but laugh. "Hi, mama", you said, giving her permission to come in, and she did so.

"Are you going to tell me why you're up at this hour? Of all people, you who hibernates all weekend!", she joked and you stuck out your tongue, which made her laugh.

"I just felt like getting up, that's all", you said briefly, as you looked through your closet, looking for the most presentable, yet comfortable, clothes possible.

"And why are you going to dress so nicely if you're going to spend the whole day at home?", she mused, suspiciously, and you laughed at her curiosity.

"Okay, mama, you win", you eventually gave in and she celebrated, which made you laugh out loud.

"I'm going to watch the charity race", you said and her curious look made you realize that her questions were only at the beggining.

"Who's your boyfriend from there?", she didn't hesitate to ask and you looked at her, shocked etched on your face.

"Why do I have to have a boyfriend to watch the race?", you asked, astonished and she looked at you with an expression that said to not mess with her.

"Your mother is old but she's not stupid, Y/N", she scolded, laughing and you followed.

"Mama, you are forty-eight years old. You are a young woman", you complimented her, trying to make her drop about the subject and the older woman laughed.

"Yes, yes, sweetheart. Now the question I asked you", she insisted and you laughed, shaking your head.

"I don't have a boyfriend, mama. But I have a friend who would like me to go and I'm going", you told her and the smile she gave you made you blush.

"Name?", she wanted to know and you snorted, making her laugh.

"How annoying", you rumbled and she laughed again, "Charles".

"Then I hope this Charles takes care of you or the wooden spoon will fly", she threatened and you couldn't help but laugh with her.

"You're amazing, mama", you replied and she laughed, coming towards you and kissing your forehead.

"I just want you to be happy", she muttered, while caressing your face and smiling.

"I am", you assured her and she smiled, before walking away, leaving you alone again. You ran to the private bathroom and took a quick shower, leaving it shortly after so you could get ready in time. You applied some light makeup and dried your hair, leaving it in its natural waves.

You went down the stairs, passing through the living room, patting Simba on the head, the old Labrador who had always been with you, and whose name was based on Lucas' favorite movie.

"Good morning", you greeted your parents, although you had already spoken to your mother.

"Up so early, my dear?", your father was surprised and you looked at my mother, who was already looking at you with a suggestive smile that made you roll you

[judesmoonbeauty]

Fairytale Keeper's Final Assessment SE:

Ellis Twilight’s POV Premium END ཐིཋྀ

Fan translation only. Not 100% accurate. Please expect grammatical errors. Cybird owns everything. Feel free to re-blog, but please do not post my translations elsewhere. Highly suggestive. MDNI. Dividers: @/natimiles

(I told her to take a little time away from me, but I couldn’t resist.)

(I feel stupid, even though I’m the one who suggested it.)

I used to be so good at being patient.

It was all so easy to kill my desires.

(I’ve been a mess since I fell in love with you Kate.)

But you accepted me like this with a warm smile, this desire that overflows and doesn’t stop.

(Kate, choose me.)

Ellis: ……Kate’s apartment, it’s right here.

I ran up the stairs to the room on the second floor of the bakery.

I forgot to knock and opened the door.

Kate: …..ELLIS!

Kate and I bumped into each other.

Ellis: ….Kate.

Ellis: Were you going somewhere?

I look at Kate’s face as she looks down.

Ellis: Or……were you…….coming to see me?

Kate nodded her head with her eyes downcast, and I couldn’t help but feel happy.

Kate: I was actually going to stay here until morning, as promised to think things over.

Kate: But, when I thought about various things I started to want to……see you Ellis.

Ellis: Various?

Kate: Even if I quit being the Fairytale Keeper, we will always love each other Ellis. I have no doubts or worries about that.

Kate: Our relationship as lovers could continue…….I’m confident about that.

Kate: But then I realized that…if we’re apart, there will be more things I won’t know.

Kate: If we were apart for example, I wouldn’t be able to know if you got hurt, Ellis.

Kate: Maybe…there will be times you get injured and can’t meet up.

Kate: As I thought about that…..I became unbearably afraid of being apart.

Ellis: …Kate.

Kate: And I’m not just afraid…I’m being selfish, but I don’t like the idea of there being something that I don’t know about you, Ellis.

Kate: I’m sorry…I…what am I saying?

(I’ve seen many expression, but I’ve never seen Kate’s expression like this.)

Kate: Ellis, it’s me…….

Kate: I feel like I’m lost without you, Ellis.

Ellis: …..

(I’m in trouble.)

(I’m so happy it makes me crazy.)

Ellis: It’s okay, Kate. Me too.

Ellis: I’m lost without you too.

Kate: …Ellis.

(So tell me. That you’re happiest being with me, and Crown.)

Kate: Living with you and Crown is what makes me happiest right now.

Kate: Will you let me continue being the Fairytale Keeper?

Ellis: That’s what I’ve been hoping you’d choose all along.

Ellis: I’m sorry I made you feel lonely because I wanted…..you to choose me.

Even though I can see that my desires are doing something wrong and keeping her in a tight grip.

(And yet I can’t stop wanting you.)

Kate: It’s okay. I realized that you’re more important to me, Ellis.

Ellis: Kate….can I kiss you?

Kate: Mhm, mmm…..

Every time I kiss her from a different angle, my desire overflows and I can’t stop.

She smiles in my arms even though she is entangled in my thorny desires.

I am becoming more messed up.

Ellis: I want to push you down and do…..lot’s of things that feel good.

Ellis: But only after I’ve taken you home properly.

Ellis: Can I take you away?

Kate: Yes.

Kate: Ellis, you can take me wherever you want to go.

Ellis: You might not be able to go anywhere, you know?

Kate: I don’t care. As long as you’re by my side Ellis.

Ellis: You’re still a little crazy.

Kate: …Do you hate it?

Ellis: …..I love it.

I took Kate back and we drowned in a wave of sheets.

Kate: N…..mmm…..Ellis….nn

Ellis: Oh, does it feel good here, Kate….?

Kate: Oh, ngh…..ah, that feels good.

Ellis: Then I’ll do it more for you.

Kate: Uh, ah……….ah.

(I was told this……before by Kate.)

Flashback (Ellis Main Route) -

Kate: It’s not just about making the other person happy.

Kate: I think it would be better for you to become a lover with someone you want to be together with forever.

Ellis: That I’ll ……stay beside forever?

Kate: Yes.

(At the time, I had no answer for you.)

(But now I can say it clearly.)

Flashback Ends -

Ellis: Kate……stay by my side forever.

Ellis: Be my only lover forever.

(I won’t let you go even if I die. That’s why, my love keeps killing.)

Kate smiled and hugged me.

Like embracing thorns herself.

And so our daily life began again.

The morning sun, which has just risen, shines faintly on us on the sheets.

Ellis: Hey, Kate……how happy are you?

Kate: ……..I’m very happy.

Kate: But maybe we’d both be happier if we ate bread with lots of cranberry jam for breakfast.

Ellis: Yeah, that’s the best I can imagine.

Kate: Hehe, right?

I like it when Kate says, ���Tomorrow will be happier.”

(This is not the end of us.)

She looked at me and seemed to be thinking the same thing.

(We can be much, much happier from now on.)

(We can forget the words like “goodbye”.)

Ellis: Ah.

Kate: Oh, no!

Ellis: I’m sorry I lied. I already did it.

Kate: What, when?

Ellis: After you fell asleep last night.

Ellis: How could I forget anything about you….right?

Kate blinks and then a faint blush appears on her cheeks.

Kate: Ellis, you’re still a bit of a troublemaker.

I love her today, even when she says that.

The day after tomorrow and the day after that.

Then, someday when you have confirmed that you’re at your happiest-

(Let’s stop time together and become an eternity.)

Until then, let’s have the happiest days ahead.

FairyTale Keeper Continuation Agreement

Kate hereby agrees to continue as Fairytale Keeper. ‘Cause we’ll always be together until we stop time and become an eternity. -Ellis Twilight

A few days after I agreed to continue to be Fairytale Keeper, I suddenly received a notice from her Majesty the Queen.

Kate, I’ve heard of your work. Thank you for everything. Now, I’d like you to assess something for me. Whether or not, Ellis, is the right person for Crown.

[Bitter End] [Epilogue] [Master List]

[abroadlifeactually]

The Soft Life or Slightly Cushioned?

I find myself contemplating what the “soft life” really means? During a conversation with one of my good friends from back home she said “girl, just embrace the soft life”. I was stunned for a minute, because nothing about my life at the moment felt soft. Is this the soft life!?!?Because it didn’t feel very soft. It hadn’t even occurred to me that it could be labeled that way.  I was a full-time housewife who’s free time was spent cleaning. I started looking into what exactly constituted a “soft life”. Quickly I realized, that label was being used very generally for vastly different ways of life. For example, there are stay at home moms (SAHM), and there are stay at home moms with nannies and/or housekeepers, and those two moms are living very different lives. At the time I was living the former.

When we first moved into our apartment, I was the main caregiver of Sunbeam, with help from my husband who is a very active dad. I was also solely responsible for all of the house upkeep, luckily my husband likes to cook and grocery shop so I had help with that part. This was the most grueling work I’ve ever done, and I worked in PR in NYC, and at a non-profit with what felt like 60% turnover. There were no breaks, no downtime, and you are plugged in 24 hours a day. The only time to myself was in the bathroom, which had to be quick because the Sunbeam is very active, and eventually that became similar to an open floor plan. I was exhausted and would crash immediately after Sunbeam went down. Nothing about that felt soft to me. There are people out in the world who would love this life, but being a housewife was never my dream. As a former professional woman, I found it much more challenging than any office job I’ve ever had.

After a few months of living in a haze, we finally sought help. A friend advised us to tear numbers off flyers on the grocery store bulletin board to find a nanny/help, which sounded crazy to me. Turns out it’s a legitimate way to find help here, so we did. We also joined facebook groups and put up help wanted posts. Eventually we found our nanny/housekeeper who changed my life. She works part-time so I’m still with Sunbeam most of the time, but now I have someone to help with the upkeep of the house, and allows me to go to appts, run errands, etc without having to pack a bag and drag my stroller onto trains and busses.

I will admit this is definitely a “softer” life, and affords me the flexibility in my life to do more self-care and things such as blogging, and working out, which is nice and necessary. However, my life does not look like what Tik Tok demonstrates as the soft life. There are no trips to chanel, or champagne brunches. My cupboard is not neatly laid out with monochromatic jars, and no matter how much we clean the apartment is always covered in toys, crushed cheerios, and whatever Sunbeam gets into. I’m still not convinced that I am living the soft life, certainly not as shown on social media. So maybe I’m living a slightly cushioned life??

I am grateful for the life that I have now, and I realize that flexibility is very privileged and that I live a life that some may desire. I love being home with Sunbeam and I wouldn’t change that for the world, but there are always challenges. Being a SAHM doesn’t feel like less work or soft work, but different work. And it’s very easy to lose your identity and feel bored and lonely, especially when living abroad. Daily meal planning (three healthy meals and two snacks) and creating an educational environment for a toddler all day with no attention span is not easy. The closet that I passionately curated over the course of several years now sits still, and is quickly being replaced by shirts with built-in bras, birkenstocks, and jogging pants. You dress for comfort and stains, which leads to fewer excuses to indulge in shopping like I would have previously. I can only speak for my experience, which might be different since I live abroad and my nanny only works part-time. But when I check-in with the fellow expat housewives in my little cohort, they all express similar sentiments so it’s not just me.

I understand the desire and the benefits to living this way, so my words aren’t meant to dissuade, but to just give perspective. From what I can see, unless you have unlimited amounts of money and a partner who doesn’t mind how you spend it, then if I am living what is considered a soft life, then it doesn’t look the way it’s shown on social media. At least if you have kids.

[clangenrising]

Welcome to RisingClan!

This is a Warrior Cats Fan Project based on the game ClanGen (@officialclangen ), basically my take on a warrior cats story inspired by a pixel game's events! Below are a list of resources for you, the reader. Please look over these resources before asking a question. Thank you for coming along for the ride, I hope you enjoy yourselves and feel welcome.

You can also find my on my main, @rowanfalls, and my art blog, @ashleyrowan

Chronological Order

If you'd like to start at the beginning, you can do so here. Every Canon Post now has a set of links that look like this: "Prev | First | Next" that you can use to navigate through the story.

You can also find a complete list of all Canon Posts in chronological order, sorted by month and year, here. This doesn't include asks, memes, or fan art, only pieces that contain canon story content.

Tag Lists and Trigger Warnings

RisingClan is proud to employ Trauma Informed Storytelling. As a safety tool, I use a series of tags to warn readers about upcoming triggering content as well as a system called Heavy Content Alert, all of which can be found explained in detail here.

As well, a list of tags that I use to categorize content like AUs, advice, and so forth can be found at that same link.

Patreon and Ko-Fi

RisingClan is free and will always be free, but if you'd like to support me financially, you can do so on my Patreon and my Ko-Fi! This support is greatly appreciated and helps me continue to create great work for RisingClan. Keep in mind that if you use the Patreon or Ko-Fi apps, there will likely be a cut of your donation/subscription taken for the appstore and that using the desktop sites will ensure that I receive the full amount as intended.

Allegiances

A list of characters and their allegiances, like those listed at the beginning of every Warrior Cats book, can be found here. This list stays up to date with the most recent piece so beware of spoilers.

FAQ

Below the cut is a list of some of the questions I frequently receive and their answers. Please read this whole list before sending an ask as any questions already covered by the FAQ will be deleted.

Q: What happened to the Real Time gimmick? A: In October 2024, I had a mental breakdown because I was trying to do too many things to unrealistic standards. I took a hiatus for my mental health and, when I was ready to return, my readers voted that I should start posting as soon as possible rather than wait all year so I could resume the Real Time gimmick. From January 2025 on, posts are no longer posted on the day in canon when they happen.

Q: What are your ClanGen game settings? A: I play the Stable Version, Expanded Mode. I do not allow mass extinction events, romantic interactions with former mentors, or first cousins to be mates or have romantic interactions. Pregnancy does not ignore biology but same-sex adoption is increased. Cats are allowed to breed with cats that aren't their mates. Experience based graduation is turned on (although some of the story was played before it was an option), cats will never retire due to a permanent condition, and warriors and elders are able to choose to become mediators.

Q: Do the other Clans have safe files in your game? A: Yes, although I don't follow the events of those games as strictly as I do RisingClan. They are here to support RisingClan's story so if something that happens in another Clan would distract from the story or changing an event might better tell the story then I will change that event. However, the City Cats do not have a save file as most of them are created specifically for plot purposes. I have a save file I use to help generate sprites/design ideas for the City Cats but I don't follow the events or relationships in it at all.

Q: Will you show us the character sprites/relationship tabs? A: No, I won't. I was more open to the idea when I started this blog but as things went on I realized that I preferred the freedom of not having to stay strictly to the sprites in my designs, especially now that I'm making RisingClan genetically accurate. As well, some sprites contain spoilers like missing limbs that I don't want to share. I also play so far in advance that it isn't possible for me to show you everyone's relationship tabs since that data is no longer accessible once a cat dies. Also I got a new computer and now I can't get ClanGen to work so I couldn't access my files if I tried. :(

Q: How are the RisingClan cats genetically accurate? A: I have a spreadsheet that keeps track of the genotypes of every cat in RisingClan (and some of the cats outside of RisingClan) and whenever kits are born I make sure that the kits are possible given the parents involved. Because ClanGen is not genetically accurate, I will be deviating from the sprites when necessary but I also intend to edit my save files to be genetically accurate when I have the time so that we don't drift too far from the sprites over the generations.

Q: What art program do you use? A: I use ClipStudio Paint (a friend bought me the full version a while ago) and I love it. Highly recommend if you have the money (or if you can find it um.. second hand, as it were).

Q: Why hasn't my ask been posted yet? A: All answered asks are put into the queue and spaced out to pad the space between writing pieces. If I am receiving a lot of asks, it may take a couple weeks for your specific ask to get posted. If that time goes by and I still haven't answered it, I probably deleted the question because it was already answered by the FAQ, it made me uncomfortable, or it was needlessly antagonistic.

Bonus: You made a typo in the last piece! I appreciate people pointing out typos for me since I don't have any beta readers but I also don't like posting those corrections very much. If you see a typo, please send it in an ask but know that once I see it and fix the typo, I will delete the ask. This means that if there are any questions or comments you want me to see and post, they need to be in a separate ask from the typo correction or I will delete them. I don't want to delete your lovely comments so make sure you send a separate ask!

Do you have a question that isn't on the FAQ? It might be in the FAQ tag, try checking there too!

[vegaspam]

until next time / part two / raven to bradley

this is not a full fic! this is the text-post version of the letter photos from my fic over on my main blog @vivalas-vega that you can read here

Bradley,

I wish I had more to update you on - things have been pretty boring around here. I did have a drunken facetime with Nat and I feel better about everything. Still processing, but I’ll be fine. I have been channeling it into my writing - between these letters and all the journaling my hand is cramping like no other.

My trip home was as to be expected - my parents send their best and you unfortunately have a very ugly blanket my mom knitted for you awaiting your return. Your parents’ headstones were completely overgrown and I absolutely didn’t yell at the groundskeeper but we did have a chat about maintaining the grave of an American hero. I know they wouldn’t care about weeds, but I don’t know where else to put my love so just let me wig out about the landscaping. I had a good talk with Goose and after talking with your mom the biggest gust of wind kicked up. It was probably a coincidence but I like to believe it was her way of giving me a hug - it felt the same. 

I’ve been thinking about your offer - San Diego does sound really great right now but I don’t know how feasible it is to actually go. I made the mistake of mentioning it to Natasha and now it’s all she’s texting me about. It somehow feels like the right and wrong time to get out of the city… but, I’ll bring it up with Miranda in our meeting this week and see what she says. I know I should be more spontaneous and just go for it but you know that’s never been my strong suit. I’m incredibly surprised your guest room still isn’t set up, I helped you furnish it over facetime months ago. Has it all just been sitting there in boxes this whole time? Very unlike you, Mr. Bradshaw.

I don’t know if Jake told you but my last letter wound up on his pillow and he wrote me to apologize for reading it. I know you have your opinions about him but I found it kind of endearing and I’m going to write him back. Figured I’d warn you in case you see my handwriting on an envelope that isn’t addressed to you. It seems I’m adopting another naval aviator and I’m contemplating opening a business - I’m sure there’s a market for lonely military personnel, however the more I think about it the more I realize it could get really gross, really fast.

Did you like the book? Natasha read it too so maybe we could get a book club going. I’ll start workshopping some names - I’m not sure how to incorporate Dagger Squad and literature but I’ll figure it out. I wish you hadn’t referred to it as free porn but you’re welcome. I’m not sure why you’re disturbed I’m considering those needs as well as your snack and fresh sock needs. I'm sure there are people on that ship that would love to have such a considerate friend on the outside. That made it sound like you’re in prison, but the lack of contact and these letters kind of makes it feel that way on my end. I’m only doing my part because frankly I don’t know how any of you survive on those ships so long, I think I’d lose my mind. Are there any cute girls you’ve noticed around? Could be a nice story to fall in love on deployment. Could also be my next big book idea, so get to it so I have some real world inspiration.

I promise I really will think about San Diego - it would be nice to be able to welcome you home. These letters don’t do a lot for the whole missing you thing. The more I mull it over the more I realize I really need to get out of the city for a while.

Miss and love you lots (also, I’m not using that paper anymore. It’s awful, I donated it to my friends classroom),

Raven

[why-am-i-always-hungruy]

✨Blog header because i realized i never made one✨

Hello, my name is Hungry!(but my wonderful friend @sparrow-the-tired-lesbian gave me the lovely nickname C R O N C H Y) I love space(astronomy) and my OC is an astronaut. I may not be a minor but I don't need any weirdos here, and i occasionally doodle and write short stories/poems. When I have an obsession with something, I will talk about it for a looooooooong time. I'm genderqueer, trans, aspec, and lesbian.

⚠DNI⚠ If you support anything related to racism, queerphobia anywhere in the community, ableism, or just discrimination and hate in any way, STAY AWAY FROM MY BLOG. THIS IS A SAFE SPACE AND IT WILL REMAIN THAT WAY.

I am a happy member of the Starfly family! I only interact with my main OC, Orion, so if you have any questions/roleplay, go there! THE AMAZING ART ZIRA MADE OF ORION!!!

It might be silly, but if I'm rambling, the tags might be #hungry-rumbles, bc it's funny to me

This is my main blog, mostly used for asks and messaging my mutuals, and my side blogs are

tiny Hungry!(the OC in question) @only-sometimes-hungruy where i store anything astronomy related @hungruy-loves-space reblogging things @hungruy-reblogs-a-lot my OC ask and rp blog! @the-hungruy-fam and my very busy poll blog, @anon-polls-for-you

this post will be updated!!! feel free to ask me anything, or message me! if you ever need to talk about anything, i'd be happy to listen

[khaire-traveler]

Hi, there! First of anything, I hope you had a wonderful day!

I have a question that could be kinda personal so please, feel free to not answer if you do not wish to. The main reason I'm asking you this is because you're one of my current fav blogs.

Could you share us how did you started to post here? And what made you take the decision to share your thoughts and experiences?

I've been wanting to start a blog about my practice lately, but I'm so scared of doing things wrong in the aspect of being disrespectful due to lack of information.

Thank you so much in advance! ✨

Hey, Nonny!

I don't mind the questions at all! I'm glad to hear you like my blog. c:

This response is a bit long, so I'm going to add "read more".

I forget how long ago I started this blog, but I believe it's been at least one year now? It may be two, but I'm unsure. I had a blog before this one that posted similar content. It wasn't as "popular", and at the time when I ran that other blog, I was healing through a lot of trauma. I deleted that blog due to some unsavory people I had met there; it just became too overwhelming at that time.

After about a year and a half, I created this blog. I missed having a community to talk to about my religion, even if no one really interacted with me. No one in my life, at that time, followed my religion, and if they did, they didn't worship any of the same gods. I wanted to have others to talk to that I could share my love for the gods with. I wanted to share some lessons I had learned, too. I felt a lot more ready to run a blog about my religion. It felt safer to do so, and I was much more confident in my practice than I had been. My relationships with my gods had grown, and so had I. Finally, my dear companion, @broomsick , inspired me to create this blog and rejoin Tumblr.

I was actually very hesitant to share my experiences again at the start. On my first blog, some people had weaponized my experiences against me and fueled some major anxiety issues I had at the time. So on this blog, I was very careful with what I shared. Frankly, I still am, but I'm much more open to sharing things I've experienced than I was.

My advice to you is to keep some things sacred and hold them close to your heart. It makes those experiences all the more special when you don't feel pressured to share them with others. My next advice is to start by sharing your random thoughts about your gods and experiences. It might sound silly, but over time, I've found that people enjoy hearing what others have to say. Many things I've posted here have grown alongside my real-life practice. Even now, I'll sometimes come across an older post of mine and see my progress. It's very encouraging when you're able to look back at how far you've come. Another piece of advice I have for you is to post for yourself, not for others. Make sure what you're posting are things you genuinely enjoy sharing, things that you actually want to post. Never feel pressured to post things you don't want to post simply because someone else requests it.

The most important advice of all that I have is for you to do it, and do it scared. It makes you nervous? Go for it anyway. You'll never know what it'll be like until you try. Taking risks is a difficult thing to do, but you could have so many wonderful experiences if you choose to take them, and even though this is just Tumblr, there's no telling what kind of connections and discoveries you could make by creating that blog! If you're new, that's great! Share what you're learning as you learn it, and as I mentioned above, you can look back and see how far you've come in the future and feel proud of it. I don't think it's disrespectful to share your thoughts and experiences, even if you realize you were wrong later on. Your practice will grow as you become more and more comfortable with it, and it's only natural that we say things now that we disagree with later. When we grow, we change, and so do our beliefs.

I say to give it a try and see if you enjoy posting! If not, you can always change your mind. It doesn't have to be a permanent decision.

I hope this answered your questions well. I also hope that the advice I shared is helpful to you. Take care, Nonny, and may you have fun on your new adventure, wherever it takes you! 🧡

[knifearo]

Hi! i've recently been coming to terms with the fact im very likely aroace, with aromanticism being the Main One on my mind since i've been struggling a bit with accepting that its possible i may never Be in a traditional relationship, mostly due to the fact that so much of what people set up as milestones to reach in life revolve around romantic love.

I just wanted to say i've really appreciated your blog, its been really nice see your posts and its just been helping a lot in trying to navigate all this :) aromanticism feels like its not talked about anywhere near as much as it should be (feels like it'd help not only aroace ppl but like. everyone), and if i'd known that so many people felt this same way sooner i think it would've brought some relief.

it's been especially tough lately i think with not being a teenager anymore, meaning all my friends around me are finding romantic partners and i guess its tough not to feel like the 'second choice' (some of this stemming from anxiety rather than actually how they treat me), and navigating how i feel around all that (also realising that at this point im not just a late bloomer lol). its been a real help finding spaces online that have people talking about their variety of aspec experiences, and its nice to know there's others like me :)

hello, my dear anon <2

first of all: i'm so glad to provide a space for you that's helpful and comforting. community is so important, especially in experiences that can feel so isolating; no matter how you're feeling, at any point, there will always be people here to support you and listen to you and stand by your side. the aspec community is so important to me and i'm so happy to hear that it's been good to you :)

second of all: coming to terms with being aromantic can be difficult, for sure. the fact that so many of us use the words "coming to terms" is significant to begin with; it was very much the same for me, where it felt like a grieving process for a life that i never really wanted but was Told that i should have. it's difficult to work through the knowledge that the entire course of your life, as people set it up for you, is going to be changed away from what you were told would make you happy. this obviously isn't the same for everybody—i have a lot of people in my notes talking about how aromanticism was a wholly positive, freeing discovery for them—but. y'know. it's not like that for everybody, especially not at first. breaking out of amatonormativity is no easy task. just to express that i felt the same things right alongside you <3

especially with the fear of losing everyone around you to relationships... i mean, i think this is where community comes in again. there's a beautiful world out there where people are more aware of the intricacies of non-romantic relationships and the harms of amatonormativity and in that beautiful world we'll all be secure in knowing that our relationships with people will be important no matter the nature of them, but in the meantime, the security of being friends with other aspec people who are aware of all of this can be really comforting. you'll find the people who will stay by you no matter what, eventually, but forming those relationships with people who already understand is really nice. just like any queer relationships, i think. obviously there are cis people who will be cool but oh, the beauty and comfort and joy of t4t relationships in any form... aspec4aspec (a4a? do we have a general term for that? ace4ace aro4aro etc.) relationships are very important to me. helps to deal with that irrational anxiety, too. :)

one thing about being aromantic is that you will look around at the world and realize how innately helpful and revolutionary aromanticism would be if more people knew about it... again. a beautiful world someday. what we do for now is keep talking about it and keep sharing aro joy and keep developing our own important non-romantic relationships and promoting relationship anarchy and establishing our own lives and personhood on our own terms. so happy to have you here as aroace if that's the term you do land on <2 adore you, treasure you, etc., and i hope you have a wonderful wonderful day. feel free to check in anytime about anything! the ask box is always always open. xoxo

[phantom-howl]

Pinned Post

Updating this properly now

Hi yall! Just a real quick pinned for ya!!

Some rules before you interact:

Please for the love of ancients don't talk to me about NSFW. I don't mind if you like it and I don't mind if an NSFW account follows/interacts, I just don't feel comfortable discussing or drawing it.

Pronouns are "I don't give a fuck", but I prefer they/xe if you wanna get technical.

I swear a lot text-wise. If you caught me in a VC I don't.

I'd prefer any questions about the Ask64 blog, or likewise other personal stuff to be DMed rather than sent through the ask box. If you DO use the ask box, please don't use anon. I realize a lot of my newer followers don't know what Ask64 is, but still.

Do NOT ping me in those ping games. Two mutuals get a pass on this. They know who they are. On that note, also don't send me chain mail. Triggers the ol' anxiety real bad.

Don't ask me to collab on an FNF mod with you unless we know each other. Any other type of project though I'm more than happy to hear you out on. Had a bad experience with FNF modding is all.

Assholes will be blocked. I will not tolerate rude people in my online space here. I've had enough of 'em.

I will respond to a LOT of names but Neo is the one I mainly use. Ray, Chaos, Tord, Dipper and Kaz are also the current favorites. You can also just refer to me however's comfortable, I'm not super picky on my name. The only two I request you NEVER call me are Wolf & Phantom.

Tag info, side blogs & other places to find me under the cut!

"#>:)" is my favorite tag. Anything I wanna save usually gets tagged with this so I can find it later.

"#neo is rambling again" is my original post tag, though sometimes a post that's not mine will be tagged with this if I added my two cents in a reblog.

"#phantom asks" is where most of my answered asks are.

"#neo art" is where I (am trying to) put all the art I post on this account & my art blog reblogs

@phantom-howls-shit is my art blog. Any art I do I reblog on this blog if it's not outright posted there.

@downward-spiral-askblog is my passion project! Please check it out ^^, the youtube connected to it can be found here

@tails-heritage-post is a heritage blog for Tails from Sonic. Please send submissions. @tailsheritagepost is the heritage rp version of the heritage blog so the main blog doesn't get flooded.

@eddsworld-heritage-and-archive is both an Eddsworld heritage blog as well as an archive for all things Eddsworld. Again please send submissions.

@eden-outcasts is both parts comic & ask blog for my Captain Laserhawk OCs.

@ask-imp and @ask-n0rsk1 are eddsworld clone askblogs. Neither are active anymore but they still exist ^^

My main youtube can be found here! Please feel free to check it out!!

Here are my GameJolt & GameBanana, though I'm not super active on either. I do check GameJolt at least once a day tho.

My artfight can be found here, and I usually change the roster a lot between seasons so keep an eye out.

Then there's my discord server :D, where I post updates about EVERYTHING I do & host events sometimes!

Here's my AO3 where I post pretty much all my fanfiction. It's a mess of fandoms but it exists ^^

This is my Bluesky, and I'm working on getting that more active. No I will not get a Twitter. Bluesky IS Twitter just no musk.

[roo-bastmoon]

Welcome new followers

Um, hi there, puppykitties! Welcome.

Just a few things you might not immediately realize about me:

WHO I BLOCK

I periodically review everyone who follows me and I block anyone that looks like a bot or a troll. If I'm unsure, I'll message first. It's totally fine by me if you just want to lurk, but if an account has no profile pic, no posts, no likes, or seems like a set-up sock puppet, I remove those followers because I truly am allergic to drama. I also immediately unfollow and block anyone who talks like an anti or bigot. This blog is meant to be a safe, happy place to celebrate Jikook and BTS. It's where I go to escape from stress, not seek it out.

HOW I TEASE

Also, if I write something like "I'm not saying x, y, z, but I'm also not NOT saying x, y, z" that is just light-hearted sarcastic humor. In the screenwriting world, it's called "hanging a lantern on it." Please know I'm not being serious. I'm also half-joking if I say something but use the strikethrough. So if you're just meeting me for the first time, please know I'm only gently teasing when I do this kind of thing in my posts. I absolutely will not ever disrespect or drag a member or fellow ARMY in earnest. I don't even really like criticizing anyone out on the main timeline--I feel it's more respectful to have a conversation in the DMs, so things can be discussed calmly and with dignity.

WHAT I POST

Finally, I'm so random, y'all. I can't help it; like, 99% of the time I post about BTS (mostly Jimin) but sometimes I might randomly post something about TV shows or books or a cute animal video or a funny political meme. I've had this blog for like 15 years or something. I'm a Dope Old Person and so there's just all kinds of stuff on here. I never thought I'd have "followers" and as an introvert it sometimes gives me anxiety because I never want to let anyone down so, sorry if there's no real tagging system or the posts seem totally incongruous. *shrug* I'm a hot mess sometimes. Hopefully you have a good time here anyway.

In any case, you are welcome here. Thank you for working hard for our boys! I appreciate when you share your perspectives and fun fan stuff in a respectful way. I'm really glad to be ARMY alongside you.

Feel free to friend over on Twitter too.

Lots of love, Roo

[aboutiroh]

I've never interacted with you before why am I blocked?

I’ve thought about whether I should answer this. I think if I were blocked by a blog I’ve never interacted with, I’d also like to know why they blocked me. I would probably not send them an anonymous ask via a different account, but now that we’re here, I think you deserve to know (assuming you really have no idea).

I usually only block bots, but I recently made an exception to that rule so there are two possibilities:

I mistook you for a bot (sorry!)

You’re the one non-bot blog I decided to block. I think this is the more likely scenario. (If you read the rest of this reply and are still extremely confused, it’s probably the former though)

We’ve never directly interacted, but you did follow one of my side blogs and we often interact with the same blogs and posts. The fact that you noticed this soon (within days) that you’re blocked while you didn’t even follow my main blog (as far as I know), just highlights how present we are in each other’s fandom space. I think this is important to point out, as this is the main reason I thought it was necessary to block.

I checked out your blog a couple of weeks ago out of curiosity and some of your posts struck me as negative - actually just plain hateful- towards Palestinians, Arabs, Muslims and anyone who criticizes Israel's current treatment of Gazans. As someone who’s two of four things listed here, I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of engaging in fandom discourse with you. I figured I’d do both of us (but mainly myself) a favor by preventing that. I genuinely did not mean to hurt your feelings by blocking you or by writing up this reply, but I realize this may come off as harsh. Still, I hope you can respect my decision and not interact with me anymore.

To anyone else reading this: I don't systematically check out blogs I encounter, and I'm especially not actively looking for reasons to unfollow or block people, so you might find yourself thinking that you have similar views with this anon. If that’s the case, feel free to unfollow me or block me yourself. I won’t feel hurt, I promise.

[smalltowncryptidfucker]

This pinned post is long overdue at this point, but hey, better late than never, right?

🍄HELLO IT IS I!!! THE SMALL TOWN CRYPTID… guy… sometimes I regret my url choice LMAO🍄

Just a brief explanation of this blog:

This is my main!! I have… three side blogs… and counting… 💀💀 Two of which I hardly use, but they’re still there LMAO. Here they are in case you want to take a look:

💖 @smalltownotomeenjoyer - This is my blog where I shamelessly post about otome games. I post there more frequently than this blog tbh… what does that even say about me?

💗 @smalltownhostclub - This is the one I started for OHSHC, but decided to include Black Butler, mostly because I felt like it.

❤️ @ultimatesmalltownnerd - This is the newest one. I post about Danganronpa here, because I’m cringe trash- but I’m free.

Okay, self-intro time:

🍄‍🟫Pronouns: She/he/they. Gender?? I HARDLY KNOW HER!! (No but seriously, gender is a rule I intend to not follow by any means. It’s totally chill if anyone else has a gender they like, but I don’t, so… I’m just going by the beat of my drum lmao.)

🍄‍🟫The most bisexual individual you might ever meet. This applies to every gender identity, and no I don’t care that Bi technically means two. You can fight me on that.

🍄‍🟫I’m over twenty. No, I don’t trust the internet enough to give an exact age.

🍄‍🟫You can either call me by my url, any combo of my url, or Flynn. Flynn is a name I’m trying out rn, so that might change.

FANDOM TIME!! (These will be the fandoms I post about here, specifically. There are a lot, and I can’t guarantee I will consistently post about any of them.):

✨Gravity Falls

✨Homestuck

✨Fullmetal Alchemist

✨Stardew Valley

✨Avatar the Last Airbender

✨How to Train Your Dragon

(Might add more as needed.)

Things you should know:

🪴Originally, this was going to be a T+ blog, but I’m gonna up the rating to M. Not because I intend to post NSFW stuff, but because I want to be safe rather than sorry. Enter this blog with that in mind.

🪴I block people- a lot. It’s not personal, but some people post content I don’t like. I only report bots, so if you’re a bot, you’re getting the block/report double whammy.

🪴I believe cringe culture is stupid, and am trying really hard to embody that as much as possible. I’m gonna post about whatever fandoms I want, and that’s final. You guys should try it, it’s so fun.

🪴If you want to block me, go for it! I mean that positively, if my content isn’t your cup of tea, I don’t mind. I realize my stuff isn’t for everyone. I’m mostly here for my own entertainment, and if people like what I post along the way, all the better!

🪴I use a lot of different, typically gendered terms of endearment (ex: man, gurl/girl, dude, girlfriend, etc), and I use them on everybody, regardless of whether they actually fit the gender the terms are meant to convey. HOWEVER!!! If you don’t feel comfortable with me using specific terms, jokingly or otherwise, let me know!!! I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, even if my intentions are good. I might slip up occasionally, but I’ll do my best.

🪴I’d love to hear from you guys!! If you wanna DM me, send in an ask or whatever, I’m totally chill with that! Keep in mind though, that 1) once again, I am in my early twenties, so keep that in mind if you wish to interact with me. I will do my due diligence to keep things appropriate on my end, so long as you do so yourself. And 2) I have… bad social anxiety, and poor time management, so if I don’t respond to a DM or ask right away, I promise I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just struggling to be a functional human being right now, lmao.

That should be it. If any edits to this post happen, they will be listed below. ENJOY MY CHAOS!!!

(Posted 7/30/24)

(Edit 8/2/24: added a fifth thing to the “things you should know” section.)

(Edit 8/10/24: added a sixth thing to the “things you should know” section.)

(Edit 2/1/25: changes to the fandoms section.)

[poolpartymusic]

been a while, forgot old e-mail

I think the last blog I made was 'dutchkidhuffingballons.tumblr.com', the name inspired by the Sam Fender song. I'm pretty sure I stopped writing when I got into my first relationship.

Turns out a relationship(or at leas this one) made me vent to an actual human and turn away from my diary-type blogs for once. Now, three years down the line, I'm still dating this beautiful man. I'm no longer in the honeymoon phase (although at times it does feel like I'm right back in it again), and for the past year/year and a half I've been trying to find my groove back.

It's different. Living and trying to do your own thing while simultaneously spending so much time with such a sweet man. It's easy to let time fly by and forget about my old hobbies. I don't draw as much anymore, I don't see as many friends any more. I also think that's just part of growing up, but I do want to find myself back still.

It's so much easier to journal through my computer than it is writing in my diary, which actually is quite a shame. I don't know why, but words come to me much easier like this.

Anyway, it's been a while. I forgot my e-mail to my old tumblr account. Decided I might as well make my tenth-thousandth blog.

I think I just want to journal about what changes I go through as a person, what thoughts I have and what struggles I must combat. Maybe this will be the last post I ever post on here. Who knows...

Today is the 17th of October 2023. I'm 23. I live in Utrecht, across from my boyfriend in the same apartment complex. Summer is officially over, it's pretty chilly out but today at least the sky is bright blue.

I'm in my third year at college, meaning I'm following a minor ICT at HU. Pro: It's only a 5 minute walk to school, and I only have in-person classes two days a week. I've learned quite some programming in Python and I think I'm pretty okay at it. Con: The business part of the minor is the main part, and I tend to find it a little less interesting. I don't feel very motivated for it.

I've realized that now, for maybe the first time ever, I don't really have a solid friend group anymore. Of course I have loose friends that I feel close to, but a month or two ago I stepped out of my High School friend group because it was no longer a fulfilling friendship for me. They never really reached out to me and I tried to see them whenever I was in my home town, but it was never that meaningful. I do miss it, but I do think it's good I put some distance between us.

My college friends from my film studies don't feel as close to me as they once did. Every time we hang out, they talk about their work and business related things. Interesting, but it does put some distance between us. I miss them, but most of them are always busy. I guess I feel like they don't really have time for me. And I don't blame them, because I haven't been the most active friend to them either.

I miss having a solid friend group...

Okay, well. I think that's good for now. If anyone other than myself ever comes across this blog (which I doubt): hello, welcome. Feel free to read my diary. I'll try to stay anonymous and I'll appreciate it if you'll let me. From experience I know that this isn't going to be that interesting to myself in a few years, let alone for someone who doesn't even know me. But hey, I hope you're okay.

[h-c-u]

To the piece that left.

TW: SUICIDE.

First of all, I would love to thank everyone who sent me asks and messages since the day I've posted about my absence. I've replied to chats and explained to some of you what is happening in my life right now, and even though I won't be replying to any of the asks, because it would be just a copy-paste reply, I appreciate every single one of them, and you can consider this post as a reply. I will explain more under the cut, but again, please be warned:

TW: SUICIDE.

Over a week ago, a very close friend of mine took his own life and it took a toll on me. I have a great support system in place, and as much as it pains me to say it - it's not the first time I'm facing this specific event in my life. I obviously won't go into details on why, but to paint a broad picture - we live in a country that some time ago started implementing LGBT-free zones and even though I don't live in any of those regions - that mentality is still felt among some circles even in more progressive parts of Poland, especially in older generations. I hope I don't have to explain in more detail exactly how it's connected to the main topic today...

I will allow myself to be a bit vulnerable with you all here and share a letter I wrote to him and that I've shared with my friends after the funeral. It's not exactly pretty, and I'm not even sure if I should post it on a blog that contains mostly memes and fanfics, but it's a kind of spur of a-moment decision, and I honestly might delete it in few days, if I decide it was inappropriate. But for now - here we go.

To the piece that left.

Someone much more intelligent than me (whose name ironically, I don't remember now), once told me that we are a mosaic of people we love. That we're made of the things other people in our lives... I don't know if it's true for everyone, but I know it is for me; both small and significant items in me are copied or inspired by others. 

I still make the sandwiches in the exact same way as my mother does. I check the door the same way my nanny did when we left the house. When I write ys and gs, I still use the loop I saw one day on a coffee shop banner when I was 9. When I write on my computer, my fingers subconsciously position themselves in a way my piano teacher taught me as a way to relax the knuckles. Every time I do any of those things, my thoughts wander to the person I got it from, and even though some of them I never met, with some I haven't spoken with in years, they are still present in my life.

But now the piece that was you is missing from my daily life. 

I know you will be present in the mosaic of my mind and life forever, but I don't know how to make that shift from seeing you on a weekly basis, talking to you almost every day, and sending you shitty memes about psychology, philosophy, and linguistics, because we were the exact same humor in this area to having your present only in my thoughts and the habits I haven't discovered yet. 

You ripped yourself from my life just a few days ago, without giving me time to prepare, leaving a hole behind, but for me... it's just too soon to process it yet, so even though I see the hole, I feel how empty and cold it is, my brain glosses over the fact that it IS there and instead focuses on how it got there. 

I know what drove you to the decision you made, and I am truly sorry that there was so much pain in your life that you didn't see any other option than to end it. I'm sorry you were faced with such cruelty and injustice from people who were supposed to love you no matter what. And I am truly sorry that I didn't realize how much you were really struggling before it was too late. You said you don't want any of us to blame ourselves, but I still can't help it, because I called you just one day before you killed yourself... Maybe if I said something different, or talked with you just a few minutes longer, I wouldn't be writing this right now. And trust me, I know you would smack me just for thinking that, but I still can’t help wondering.

When we were saying goodbyes, I was left alone with you for a moment, and I held your hand... I know it was cold and lifeless, but I didn't feel it, because I kept wondering how it was possible that your skin was still so soft, even so long after your heart stopped beating... 

I saw your cuts... 

We talked about suicide because it was a close topic to both our hearts and how you always made fun of people cutting across the wrists because stopping this type of bleed was almost easy. 

Your cuts ran through the whole length of your forearms. 

You didn't want any chance of someone saving you...

I want to be angry, sad, furious, anything, but I can't... And I don't even feel guilty for being so numb to it... Maybe somewhere deep down I was expecting it all along? Maybe some part of me knew that I had to cherish every moment with you because there was a finite amount of them. I will never know the answer to that.

You were a huge part of not only my life but all of our friends. We were a beautiful picture made from millions of puzzle pieces that came together, and now your pieces are missing, and that beautiful picture is glitched, unrecognizable, and incomplete... I know that with time we will be forced to shift some our own pieces, cut out part of the picture completely, and maybe even fill them with pieces belonging to other people to make a completely new picture.

But you will never be gone... You shaped the edges of some of our pieces to fit yours and because of that - your presence will always be noticeable. 

During the time we collided, you left a mark on our lives that will always be there. And I can't help to start noticing the pieces of you in the mosaic of life; not only in my own but also in the people who love you. 

And as much as it pains me to say it - eventually we will learn to live without you. 

We will be ok.

I just really hope that you already are.