#real religious trauma girlie shit here

[nerdragenewvegas]

ok but like think about how joshua graham was sitting there in deep denial about how he was projecting his own desire for revenge against caesar onto his faith, right? and how he probably knew that shit deep down even if he was delulu about it which is why he hadn't outright decided that taking down caesar in the name of the lord or as a holy war was the long game or whatever. it's cooking, it's there, but the idea of acting on it feels bad to him for some reason, and he's probably talking to God about it a lot but honestly using the internal dialogue of prayer to try and convince himself that it can be justified eventually, but he still can't unwrap why that makes him feel so guilty and full of shame deep down, so he keeps brushing those feelings of shame aside and pretends it's the same guilt and shame that comes from his hand in building the Legion. not only is he wrestling with his desires to take his revenge and act on his hurt and anger, but he's wrestling with WHY he's wrestling with it.

and then the Courier shows up in Joshua's gun cave out of seemingly nowhere following such a coincidental and random happenstance that not only led them to Zion but led them to meet Follows-Chalk and by extension Joshua, and waves and is like 'oh, I killed Caesar btw!'

like, on the surface he takes that well, but deep down inside? Do you think he was freaking out? Do you think he felt this inexplicable sense of relief wash over him because he no longer had to make that decision? Do you think he was secretly thankful because he wasn't ready to address his own anger and the fact he hadn't truly healed in the way that's become his identity and what keeps him going? Was he thankful that he wouldn't have to unpack why he still felt so angry about what Caesar did to him when Joshua's done far worse to far more people for far less, that he wouldn't have to admit that it was the betrayal of his closest and most trusted companion that hurt the most and left him literally too angry to die?

Do you think he felt that relief and looked at the Courier and decided that the Courier was something divine? A message from God? Sent by the Lord to relieve Joshua of that burden? Do you think that's why Joshua was so ready to listen to the Courier when they pushed him to spare Salt-Upon-Wounds? Do you think Joshua looked at the Courier in awe of God's grace, or in fear that God knew exactly what was in Joshua's heart?

[bayonettesque]

i have a really big issue with the priestess library because the idea we’re supposed to have of it vs the problems that are alarmingly obvious once you examine the concept even slightly are like… sooo different it’s scary. sjm clearly intended for it to be rhysand’s woke king abuse survivor utopia except when you think about it, it’s an isolated camp for heavily traumatised women to live with zero programs in place to overcome their trauma or work towards returning to the outside world— instead, they swear an oath to provide labor for rhys (presumably without pay, because what and where would they spend it?) and be bound to a religious order they don’t really have room to question or leave because defecting from the religion would lead to obvious social isolation and exclusion. it’s an almost cultish setup because like… imagine if a priestess wanted to leave— she has nothing, no family, money, accomodations, or familiarity with the “outside world”. leaving means departing from everything you know, likely to never return, not having learnt to defend yourself or cope with your severe trauma. 

the excuse that “things work differently for the fae” doesn’t exist here because acosf gives us a perfect case study of how these priestesses are quintessentially the same as an average real human woman, wherein yoga, meditation, doing some exercise, getting fresh air, and hanging out with your girlies is enough to apparently re-integrate you into the real world via GWYN and all the other priestesses. WHY is this apparently the first time in like 500 years the powers-that-be have considered a program to rehabilitate the priestesses and give them their own power??? (well. it was NESTA’S idea lmfao the ic would never do that on their own) if sjm wanted this priestess library to actually be the ethical feminist fantasy she thinks it is, couldn’t it have been that the library is supposed to be a transitional place where the ultimate goal is to heal and leave to live a fulfilling, independent, healthy life?? if rhys were the villain this would so easily be a “he keeps traumatised women as slaves to work in his isolated library camp” it’s not even funny holy shit

[nerdy-frog98]

I am now on season 4 of 9-1-1 Lone Star! It took me a hot minute to get here, but 💥

I want to share some opinions, but a little disclaimer; this show was not really made for me. As an ex-religious girlie, the amount of religion in the show often makes me uncomfortable. I also have a hard time with overbearing personalities, so Owen puts me off about 80% of the time. Even with all that in mind, I still really love this show. It might not have been made for me, but I can still appreciate good storylines and characters the way they were intended to be enjoyed.

First. Tarlos is the only couple I care about on this show. Nancy and Mateo are kinda cute too, and I love the Tommy dating storylines, but I am not invested in any of them like I am Tarlos. (The freeze emergency at the beginning of season 3 was so good, oh my god. The angst between them was insanely good.)

Second. As far as individual storylines go…I mainly care about Judd + Grace (as a couple), TK, and Carlos. Sometimes Tommy, and sometimesssss the others in the 126. The first four I stated though, I consistently care about their storylines. On the other hand, I *rarely* care about Owen’s storylines unless they revolve heavily around the 126 or TK. If he’s on his own with his friends or a love interest, I get so bored 😭

Third. One thing this show does almost as well as the og 9-1-1 is the platonic relationships between the characters. The 126 having game nights is so cute. TNT interactions make me super happy. It’s overall very believable that these characters love and respect each other.

Fourth. Both 9-1-1’s are traumatic, but lone star kinda feels…more and less at the same time. More side characters die in brutal ways, but the characters don’t seem to linger on the trauma the way the og characters do with theirs. Like, Tommy’s husband died and that episode was traumatic, but then the next episode she seems to be doing okay. Maybe I just binged the episodes too fast ?

Fifth, and this is more like an addition to an earlier point, but holy shit. Some of the stories on this show are so fucking good. The episode where Marjan saves the girl from her abusive fiancé was amazing, and then the following episode with her being hunted by the fiancé and ultimately being saved by herself???? THAT WAS TELEVISION, BABEY. I was sobbing so hard I had to pause and take a breather. I plan on rewatching that episode again real soon, because wowwowow.

Overall, the show is entertaining and I love a lot of what the show is trying to do. The negatives were very strong in the beginning (season one was rough with how much religion was brought up. S1 Grace was enemy #1), but they’ve gotten better as the show matured and found its footing. I’m trying to catch up so I can watch the final part of the show live. [as much as I’ve struggled with a lot of the material, I am sad it was cancelled. Wasn’t deserved.]

[vampiireiinthesewers]

The Cullens as The Magnus Archives entities

I’m going alphabetical on this shit I’ve got the brain rot. Also I think inherently vampires are hunt coded beings, and within the realm of twilight I’d say they can also come into the stranger bc of the way humans seem to have an instinctual fear of their kinda uncanny valley appearance

Alice- first thought for Alice was to go for the eye bc of her gift but the eye deals more in the present and past, recording and watching peoples current movements, which given her gift works more with the future doesn’t quite fit, however there can be some argument made about how her gift is reliant on peoples current decisions but also the eye is confirmed to be a dumbass that doesn’t really know what to do with the stuff its recording so I feel like despite some eye leanings Alice is probably more of a Web kinda gal, she takes the info she is given and through that she manipulates everyone around her to the best possible outcome. Alice is a web girlie.

Bella- Oh my god where to start. With the lonely first of all, Bella grew up with a neglectful mother who left Bella to care for herself and, despite Bella claiming to be besties with her mum, the two were not close, between that, the distant relationship with her father due to the fact that he could only see her once a year and her apparent lack of friends in Phoenix the lonely seems an ideal candidate for pre-Cullens Bella, and once again when the Cullens leave her again in new moon. Also her gift like, her brain is completely isolated from everyone, even those who can read minds that is so lonely coded what the fuck. Its in new moon that I feel like an argument for the spiral could be made, mostly bc of the Edward hallucinations. I also feel like while not being stranger aligned, she is drawn to the stranger, like bc lets be real all twilight vampires are kinda stranger coded uncanney valley fear level that bella is just drawn to, to the point where she wants to be a part of that. I’d also wanna point out that the lonely, stranger and spiral intersect a lot in tma so like while for Bella I’d say lonely, with some leanings to the spiral and stranger. I could probably argue for more bc like corruption deals with unhealthy relationships but at a certain point it would just end with me diagnosing her as Jonathan Sims and I don’t wanna do that. (But like I pretty easily could make an argument for lonely avatar bella being touched by every entity oh my god)

Carlisle- So much of Carlisle is defined by his loneliness after becoming a vampire, he spent over 200 years being the only person he knew on his diet, with any people he met viewing him as a lil fucking weirdo for it. Like he left the Volturi to find others who share his ideals and in 200 years not a single person could understand what the fuck this guy was doing, he had to actively change people to get the company he craved, and oh boy does he crave it bc for those 200 years he was going about desperately making friends with everyone he met, but even when he was so desperately lonely did he find someone he felt he could stay with on even a short term basis, before the Cullens the closest he had was the Volturi, and like lets be real I don’t think a single person but Aro cared about him, he stayed there for 20 years for this one guy, knowing the whole time this guy has such fundamentally different values that the relationship was doomed to fail. I’m also gonna, here me out, make a kind of a stretch argument, here me out here, that Carlisle’s human life, I get this is a stretch but here me out, is kinda desolation coded. HEAR ME OUT. First off, the desolation has so much religious imagery you wouldn’t believe but also, from Carlisle’s perspective so much of the trauma and hurt that he did in his human life was completely senseless, even as he killed those people he knew that, yet he did it anyway. Also I know that in London in the 1600s most people weren’t actually burned at the stake but Stephanie Meyer doesn’t so there’s also the whole thing with fire and the desolation like it works. Anyways vampire Carlisle is the lonely human Carlisle is the desolation. I’m sure I could argue that that he probably viewed a lot of the human’s death the people he surrounded himself in Volterra committed as senseless and so still kinda desolation coded but I am reaching I’m aware of this. (I’ve also had a friend suggest the slaughter instead of the desolation which also kinda works bc like senseless violence but it is kinda at that point that the two entities intersect so)

Edward- The corruption. Like he is the corruption through and through. Also a lil bit of the eye bc of his gift but mostly the corruption. Like a major theme with the corruption is infection and Edwin died of the flu I don’t even need to argue with this one. The corruption also deals with unhealthy relationships and that’s just the plot of twilight babes. Like there is not much I can say here bc he is so corruption coded you would not believe. Anyways he is also slightly eye leaning bc he can literally read thoughts but I’d say for the most part he’s corruption.

Emmett- the Hunt, he died bc a bear was attacking him, he has experienced the feeling of being prey and through that was able to transcend humanity to become the ultimate predator like all vampires are kinda hunt coded but Emmett more than anyone (Aside maybe trackers like James but I feel like the fact that Emmett was literally prey to an animal as a human still gives him an edge)

Esme- I’d also argue corruption for Esme. Her ex husband abusing her fits within the unhealthy relationships aspect of the corruption, while her son died form lung fever, also fitting within the corruption. I do wish there was more Esme content so I could do a better analysis but

Jasper- this man is the slaughter, like close association with war, check, unpredictable violence, check. Like this is the guy who lost it at the birthday party. Mans the slaughter

Rosalie- Rose is difficult ngl, I feel like with Rose to me the thing that always stood out about her was the fact that everything always came back to her looks, like aside from Carlisle she’s the most academically and scientifically minded of the Cullens, yet all everyone ever talks about is how she looks, her intelligence from the perspective that we see within the books is barely even an afterthought to everyone around her (and like yea that’s 100% Stephanie Myer being a misogynist but like) and there’s something to me that’s so deeply flesh coded about that like I cannot let go of, bc that’s what the flesh is all about isn’t it, that no matter what we think, how intelligent we are at the end of the day all we truly are is our flesh. You could also argue corruption but tbh I just prefer the flesh for her.

Renesmee- honestly I don’t even fucking know there is the fact that she’s isolated from everyone she knows by being one of the very few members of her species and how isolating that must feel (Lonely), there’s the fact that for most of the book one of the major concerns is no one knows how long she’s gonna live and the fact that she might get executed (The end), there’s whatever the fuck went on during bellas pregnancy (The flesh), there’s the fact that this kid is not going to have a single healthy relationship in her life (Corruption)

[symptoms-syndrome]

Ok here's the tea

So like, it's a server of entirely queer Koreans. And like a MONTH ago, there was sort of a fire because someone said smth like "Korean Christians are all inherently bad people," and I was like "Hey maybe we should avoid making broad generalizations about people who are like. In the server with us. You know, to be respectful." And I was real nice about it and all that jazz. Because I'm a real patient person TBH. I have a pretty high tolerance for Bullshittery. Anyway it turned into a whole Thing because there's like two or three people in there who think they're the shit dot net because they learned fun buzzwords from twitter like "strawmanning" and "gaslighting" and "respectability politics." Which is extremely frustrating because it's absolutely impossible to have a reasonable conversation with them because they do not in any way shape or form actually know what these words mean. One person, completely out of the blue, chimed in with "are we not allowed to complain about white people then?" and then two messages later said that I was strawmanning for making a comparison (I said that while Christianity may have roots in white supremacy, that does not make all those who participate in it inherently white supremacist, similarly to how the beauty industry is also rooted in white supremacy but not all those who wear makeup deserve to get shit for it.) Which is insane bc bestie you're the one strawmanning here.

Anyway it eventually died down (after that person wrote a whole big essay about how they're being silenced and tone policed etc etc etc despite not even being the person who made the original comment, only chiming in to add shit to the fire.) But then yesterday someone who I think is new randomly replies to some of these, again, MONTH old comments, which sparks an outburst of shit again. And this happened last time, but like. The "what about complaining about white people" person was like "um well some of us don't have positive relationships with whiteness/christianity" in a real passive aggressive way and I'm like. Seeeeeeething RN. Like sorry I didn't trauma dump in graphic detail like you did but seriously what a dick fucking move to just assume that I looooooove whiteness and Christianity just because I told you to be mindful that there are some people who are Christian in the server. Like I did not even say you can't criticize Christianity. Anyway this bitch is going offfffff about how the server is sooo unsafe for POC and sooo white and this would never happen in a Black/brown led server (which is insane given that like. First off that's kinda racist of u for a lot of reasons but a lot of the mod team is literally brown in addition to the Korean so like.) and it's like girlie if u think it's so awful here why are u still here. Like I've been in servers where the vibe is rancid and I hate the way it's moderated so I simply Don't Stay in those servers??? What's ur fucking problem???

But anyway they're all like "uwu you simply wouldn't understand, I need a space specifically for People Like Me who have faced racism and Christian oppression" and I'm like GIRLIE I would also be part of those spaces so like!!! Ur not gonna be free from me!!!

and likeeeeeeee not to invalidate anyone's trauma here but their trauma they dumped was fairly middle of the road in terms of like, religious trauma so I COULD absolutely win this pissing contest if I also chose to traumadump I just do not want to at all and also morally disagree with doing so so like. I won't. But I am like. Committing acts of violence mentally RN like girlie what the hell fuck is wrong with you.