#real ones know what music i was listening to that influenced me to draw nico

[willthespy]

rare traditional nico doodle (see also: tumblr user catching some vitamin d)

shout out to the crickets that watched me post this

[wrongcaitlyn]

AHHHH I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I SEND YOU TOO MANY ASKSMHFJGXJC BUT ANYWAYS- the greatest of luxuries takes place around 2018, right? Which is also coincidentally around the time tiktok got popular so just like hear me out-

Nico is a chronic tiktok user and definitely makes tiktok dances (he was supposed to use it for promotional purposes and it's not until Apollo asks him about it that he actually does)

Nico and Will are those tiktok friends, the kind that you see videos of and it just looks like they came straight out of a coming of age movie- same goes for whenever Leo is featured in Nico's tiktoks like they are so iconic

Apollo definitely gets tiktok for the shits and giggles, only to go accidentally viral constantly- like he could make one silly random tiktok of freaking alley cat he found and it'd get like 50 million likes 😭😭 (bros tiktok account consists of his children and their silly friends)

ANYWAYS HAVE A GOOD DAY 🫶🫶🫶🫶

NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR TOO MANY ASKS I LITERALLY LIVE FOR THEM LIKE YES PLEASE ASK ME A MILLIION QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS AU THAT CONSUMES MY ENTIRE LIFELKSDF

and you are RIGHT OHMYGODSKLJF i keep thinking of a way to incorporate it bc rn they're in 2019, but i'm like, ahgsdf how do i bring in tiktok, do i make it a whole convo or just casually mention it orrrr

i do have quite a few tiktok headcanons in relation to them but i LOVE your ideas they're so real😭

these are the hc's that i had before reading this but tbh might have to go back to the drawing board on some of them becauseee i mean

(also i deleted tiktok a while back bc it was too addictive so tbh i have no idea what's going on over there anymore... nor was i there in the early daysSDLKF)

nico already strays away from social media quite a bit, and i think over the music industry changed, it's def encouraged for artists to like promote their music there and stuff. BUT. he has a bit of an addictive personality (relatable) and so when he eventually downloads it (because he would resist for a very long time) would get hooked. except he rarely posts, instead, he's that verified celeb account that you find in the most random comment sections and he spams all his friends with vids. he definitely gets a lot of pet videos i feel like, like the cute dogs and cats and he would send a vid of like yk YK WHAT VIDS IM TALKING ABOUT like two cats snuggling with each other or smth and send it to will with 'us' i just KNOW he would bc it's incredibly sappy but doesnt require too much descriptionsfkljs

he probably has 235829348 drafts and he mostly posts random stuff that's completely unrelated to his music. like i bet there would be a few people (when he occasionally says something related to his job) who didn't even know he released music despite definitely having heard it

i didn't really envision him doing tiktok dances eXCEPT maybe they all stay in his drafts. bc i dont think his vids would really be focused on *him* because he's not a huge fan of being on camera, so it'd more just be like those rants where you can only see his forehead or random studio vids oR TRAVEL VIDS WHILE ON TOUR. he would def do those. there's def some people who think he's a travel influencer and then find out he's a grammy award winning artist and are like ??? NICO?? FROM TIKTOK???

but he isn't called a "tiktok artist" despite some people knowing him from tiktok because he literally ALWAYS forgets to promote his own music in his vids. his fans are promoting it in the comment sections to try and get the people who think he's a travel influencer to listen to him😭

but his posting schedule is so very sporatic like he'll post ten vids in a day and then nothing for a month. it's fully based on vibes and is completely chaotic, just like everything else he does

will, like any other social media platform, has a private account. (nico also has a private spam) so will is that person who tags people in the comments like all the time (whereas nico sends it more often just bc he doesnt wanna risk being on the wrong account accidentally)

he appears a LOT on leo and lou ellen and cecil's tiktoks (and nico's) and every other week there's a huge internet search to find out who this guy is on a new famous person's tiktok account and then someone will be like "it's just will solace again HOW THE FUCK DOES HE ALWAYS FIND THESE PEOPLE"

like when he randomly shows up in taylor swift's getting ready for her nyu graduation post. like he's definitely there for a brief second in just like the reflection of a window or something and everyone goes CRAZY

before realizing it's this cryptid guy again who seems to be surrounded by every famous person to exist

he definitely posts a lot on his private account though and often it'll just be him rambling about something he's learned in class or him documenting every time he sees a cute animal in public

eventually he'll be dared to make a public account and he decides "haha that's funny okay sure it's not like anyone will find me"

WRONG. this guy is allergic to being not-famous. he will never be allowed to be a normal guy. his first video goes completely viral. he posts once in a blue moon, usually documenting his friends being crazy and every single time he does, it gets like a million views with people in his comments being "how does he know them???"

but you are DEFINITELY right about his account always seeming like it comes out of a coming of age story

and there are most definitely thousands of shippers in every single comment section with literally every friend. so he tries to have at least two other people in every single video so that people can't ship him with just one other person. but it's unavoidable. esp when he comes out as bi, people are just shipping him with ANYONE who shows up on his account

he also does those screaming lipsync vids to whenever a song by one of his favorite songs comes out he's a huge fanboy

OH and he gets to show off his vinyls there. he loves doing that. he's got so many and vinyl tiktok admires it.

also in every single video there's at least one comment that says "you look like apollo the singer"

EVERY SINGLE ONE

leo's the most active on tiktok, as he is with every other social media

it's either him building something, him setting something on fire, him with his friends, him talking to the camera while walking down the street (you know the genre of tiktok)

he is very similar to will in the aspect of "HOW DOES HE KNOW THEM??" but he's been a bit more public than will so people will know him more

he doesn't go viral as often as will (despite posting 132532x as much) but when he DOES it goes VIRAL viral. like tens of millions of views. it still happens quite often and he has the highest follower count of the friendgroup

and he's also the most active in comment sections like he's in every comment section you can't escape him and he replies to like every single one on his vids, usually with very cryptic responses that leave you with more questions than you started with

he ALSO tags will and nico in a bunch of videos, but not in a private account. he doesn't have a private account. he just tags them (obviously, avoiding any romance-related / stuff that could out them, in which he would send it to them) in EVERYTHING

and that's also the highest chance you have of will (on his public account) commenting on a video bc he's mostly on his priv

he also (when him and jason eventually come out) makes a million couple tiktoks and does all the trends

most recurring character in his vids are piper (and shel) (and will and nico over the summer when they're not so far apart)

apollo runs the account for delphi records

i know i haven't shared much of this BUT most people 100% assume that it's run by some intern or something bc of how casual it is but it's actually just him

he loves comment sections and hyping up all of his artists

oh BTW leo and will and apollo do all the promotion for nico because of how much he forgets about it

it's very common for nico to be posting a random ass video and then the top comment is Delphi Records ✓ Check out Nico's latest single, ______!

he also EVENTUALLY gets a tiktok for himself

that is just entirely his kids

as he should

aside from leo, i think kayla and piper are most active on tiktok

piper knows all the inner fandom details from shel (who has an editing account 100% bc i have an editing account and im projecting onto her)

piper's vids are mostly with leo they're such an iconic duo

idk why but all i can think of when thinking about piper is that her feed is like momona tamada?? like that's the vibe we're going for here

and ofc she promotes charities and other important topics there too!!!

and if there's a wlw trend going around yk that piper and shel are going to be on that first thing, probably the top video under whatever audio it is

and KAYLA. GOD. KAYLA'S TIKTOK IS SOOO ICONIC i think she's second to leo with most followers

the lip sync videos for sure, also out of all of them i think she'd def do tiktok dances she'd slay them all

and then some of them are just trends or her in the archery range

somewhat similarly to will, she often gets comments that say "how does she know them??"

but like a good 30% of people watching the archery events of the olympics are there just because of her tiktokSDLFKJS

she also happens to go viral. all. the fucking. time. like i swear apollo's kids just HAVE to go viral all the time they can't escape it they're made for fame and it's likeee kayla does love it (will not so muchKSDF and austin has avoided this problem by just not downloading tiktok at all! except apollo's video of him performing has gone viral. oh well.)

so those are my hc's feel free to add on to these!!! i would love to hear what y'all think bc AHGSDFL writing about these characters' social media is one of my favvv things to do - thank you for the ask!!!! sorry for the lengthy rambleKSDJF

[loghainmactir]

On Mages, Anders and Trench: A Comparison/Breakdown (1/5)

Lemme preface this by saying I honestly don’t know what I’m saying at any point ever, so this might be a huge waste of both of our times. But hi! Welcome to part one of Alister’s Incredibly Unnecessary and Lengthy Breakdown of twenty one pilots’ Album Trench in Relation to Anders and the Mage Rebellion.

I’ve been thinking about this at least a month now, but I finally kicked myself into gear when I saw drellvhen’s solavellan/Africa breakdown (link), so thank you so much for the inspiration lmao.

Parts of this, of course, won’t match up timeline/context wise (Trench seems to be more of a “modern” story and explicitly mentions the band/relationships/their fans, after all lmao), so some of it’ll need a little bit of flexibility when imagining what I’m trying to say; just bear with me. Often, it’ll also be very, very literal. I’m not good with metaphors, lmao.

This’ll also be long, because I love Dragon Age and twenty one pilots a LOT, so grab some water, a snack maybe, and let’s get started with a brief explanation of Trench!

Trench is twenty one pilots’ fifth studio album; it’s a concept album exploring mental health, suicide and doubt (themes featured heavily in their other albums, too), and it’s set partially in the fictional city of Dema and partially in the valley that surrounds it—“Trench”, which the album’s named after.

Now, some background on Dema; it was inspired/based on a concept within Zoroastrianism. The “Tower of Silence” (which is what Dema literally means) is a place to dispose of dead bodies by having vultures eat at the corpses; they were inspired by the “sad and intriguing concept of a dying religion”. Vultures and religion are two big themes within Dema, and they actually play similar roles within the “story”.

The album’s Dema is ruled by nine “bishops”, headed by an entity called Nicolas Bourbaki (which, in real life, is a group of [largely] French mathematicians– no, I don’t know why Tyler decided to name him after the Bourbaki group, and I’d hesitate to say we might never know properly). 

Nicolas (who we’ll call Nico for short) is known by another name in this world: Blurryface. He is, in fact, the very same Blurryface from their 2015 album (of the same name)– for context, Blurryface is a character who personifies Tyler’s insecurities, anxieties and depression. There’s nine other bishops, as well, but they’re not as relevant– at least here, where we’ll largely be focusing on Nico/Blurry.

The bishops use the vultures as “protection” within Dema; they (as far as I can tell) act as watchdogs (birds?) for the bishops, telling them who’s trying to escape. The bishops then retrieve them, and they “smear” them– kinda irrelevant to our comparison, here. Those who HAVE successfully escaped are known as Banditos; they wear yellow, and they try to liberate others within Dema.

Dema and Trench is all a metaphor, of course, for a place where you’re knees-deep in mental illness (Dema), and the in-between where you have control (Trench), but there’s always that risk of being dragged (in Tyler’s character’s case, literally!) back to shit creek. Banditos are a metaphor for people who’ve been there, done that (so to speak, anyway), or people close to Josh and Tyler.

Now, just reading this, there’s immediately a few REALLY apparent comparisons you can draw:

Dema can be compared to the Circles in the sense that they’re both incredibly oppressive places framed as a safety net (we learnt this about Dema through the introductory character, Clancy, pre-album release; he “wrote” letters with these details in them). People want to, try to, and fail and succeed at escaping them. They’re also huge depressing towers:

 (That’s Dema. Gives off some sad, grey Kirkwall vibes, right?)

The bishops and the vultures can be compared to the Templars and the Chantry: watching for escapees, rebels, trying to catch them and taking them back. That’s pretty self explanatory.

Banditos, then, are the mages, the mage rebellion and Anders (and blood mages too). They’re trapped in the Circle, and while a good many of them are fine with (or are too scared/worried to do otherwise?) remaining in the Circle, the mage rebellion are the ones trying to liberate the rest of their people from oppression.

Trench is Kirkwall in relation to the mage rebellion; the no man’s land where the mages are free and in control once out of the Circle, but ever in danger of being caught by the Templars.

Really, it’s super interesting when you dig deep into it; I wonder if Tyler’s ever played Dragon Age 2. I doubt it (though it’s always possible), but it’s bizarre how you can compare the main locations and factions even at a base explanation level.

Either way, we’ve finished the introductions and the who’s who in this comparison; now for breaking down the lyrics and putting my thoughts to them. For reference, I probably won’t be doing all songs/every lyric ever– there are some, obviously, I can’t draw comparisons to (partially because we don’t get enough info on Anders’ mage rebellion, and partially because… there’s no link, lmao), so I’ll be leaving some out. 

This’ll be organized by track: each song has a title to point out where each begins. I’ll also put links for each song in case you want to listen along!

So, without further ado, we begin with:

Renegade Coat, Cover Me!

Jumpsuit is our very first song (link here) on the album; it was the first single for Trench, and the music video was the first time we ever saw Nico, the Banditos, and how Nico’s influence works (and subsequently how the Banditos can save people). 

It’s also the first song that made me think of Anders: Tyler’s yellow and green jumpsuit vs Anders’ renegade coat is a really neat comparison! This’ll be a short one, because the lyrics are pretty straightforward and can be taken really literally.

I can’t believe how much I hate Pressures of a new place roll my way Jumpsuit, jumpsuit, cover me

We begin Jumpsuit with an Anders who has just arrived in Kirkwall; he’s looking for Karl, Justice has become Vengeance, and he is so, so full of this brand new anger. “Pressures of a new place roll my way” is easily seen as the fact that Kirkwall is full of Templars and blood mages, even so early on in the game; it’s swarming with them. It’s a brand new place, he’s surrounded by Templars and doesn’t want to be found by the Wardens. The pressure is on him to hide and stay low.

I crumble underneath the weight, Pressures of a new place roll my way

Really simple: Anders finds himself crumbling underneath the “weight” of the Templars’ oppression in Kirkwall, under the injustices done to the people there.

Spirits in my room, friend or foe? Felt it in my youth, feel it when I’m old, Jumpsuit, jumpsuit, cover me, Dustin’ off my-- jumpsuit (cover me, oh!)

Here, the ‘room’ is Anders’ head/body. Anders has only just merged with Justice, and now suddenly he’s Vengeance: is Vengeance a friend? Or is Vengeance a foe? ‘Felt it in my youth, feel it when I’m old’ can be taken as lyric that’s almost looking to the future: Anders is young, in his late twenties/early thirties, but Vengeance is going to be there presumably forever. He’ll feel it, then, when he’s young.

As for “dustin’ off my jumpsuit”, I’m imagining an Anders who comes to Kirkwall in clothes that aren’t his own: his Renegade Coat is kind of, erm... well, it’s got fucking feathers on the shoulders, c’mon. “Dustin’ off my jumpsuit” can be seen as Anders and Vengeance deciding that Kirkwall’s injustices cannot be ignored: he’s putting on his Renegade’s Coat, he’s going to help.

I’ll be right there But you’ll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air If you need anyone I’ll stop my plans (I’ll stop my plans) But you’ll have to tie me down and then break both my hands If you need anyone

Now, this (to me) is the most interesting thing to compare to Anders: it would be referencing both Awakenings Anders and Dragon Age 2 Anders and his reactions to the mages’ treatments. “But you’ll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air/If you need anyone”: this reminds me of Anders and Justice’s conversation in Awakenings:

J: Why do you not strike a blow against your oppressors? Ensure they can do this to no one else? A: Because it sounds difficult? J: Apathy is a weakness. A: So is death. I'm just saying.

It also counts for the dialogue after it, when Justice says Anders has ‘an obligation’: Anders, in a way, is forced into acting through Vengeance. He needed someone to force him into action in Awakenings, so to speak. Anders in DA2, however, is the EXACT opposite: to stop Anders from acting out against the Circles/Chantry/Templars, you’d NEED to tie him down and break both his hands. He’ll fight against them until he can no longer.

You could even go so far as to compare the song’s slow rise from soft and sung to loud and screamed to Anders’ fury, too. The rest of the song repeats from here on out, so now we have....

Danger In The Fabric Of This Thing I’ve Made

Levitate! Levitate (link) is a short track, and there’s no singing in this; just rapping. I don’t actually know if they’ve got another song like this-- they tend to have a mix of both. It’s also the song that I LOVE in relation to Anders and the mage underground: it is SO, so fitting it’s almost scary. The video is actually the third and final story in the music video’s orders, and shows the Banditos escaping with Tyler, and finally jammin’ out at the Bandito camp (and then the end, lmao, which Happens).

Oh, I know how to levitate up off my feet And ever since the seventh grade I learned to fire-breathe And though I feed on things that fell You can learn to levitate with just a little help Learn to levitate with just a little help

Like we were with Jumpsuit, we’ll take this literally and metaphorically: Anders learnt magic at a young age, but he also began to his escape attempts almost immediately; he was brought back to the Circle at twelve years old, and he had his first escape attempt six months later. How old are seventh graders? 12-13 years old (this actually wasn’t something I realized until literally just now and it’s weird how well this song aligns with Anders, honestly).

If learning to ‘levitate’ and ‘fire breathe’ is learning to resist and defy the Circle, Templars and the Chantry, ‘Though I feed on things that fell’ refers to Anders and Vengeance growing angrier and angrier with every mage that can’t escape (through death, tranquility, or other general fuckery, honestly). This is also a partial cry to mages who are maybe unsure of whether or not a rebellion is the right choice, or if they can: Anders and the rest of the apostates are “just a little help”.

Come down, come down, Cowards only come through when the hour’s late And everyone’s asleep, mind you Now show up, show up I know I shouldn’t say this But a curse from you is all that I would need right now, man

Just as the chorus is a callout to other mages, this verse in particular would be directed at Templars. It’s well documented that Templars abuse mages, both outwardly and in secret; “Cowards only come through when the hour’s late and everyone’s asleep, mind you” can refer to this abuse happening behind closed doors (and therefore takes on an incredibly sinister undertone), but it can also refer to the Harrowing. 

While the Harrowing can come at any time, the one time we do specifically see the Harrowing, it’s in the middle of the night: you wake up the next morning with Jowan worrying about you. The Harrowing is also when mages can be made Tranquil; therefore, it could be saying that they only come through when the mage is defenseless and alone. 

But it could also be referring to the other mages/mage sympathisers: Anders feels as if they aren’t doing enough to progress their liberation from the Circles, and he’s calling them cowards for only working to free people through the night when Templars might be otherwise busy or whenever they’re not working.

Hooking back to the Templar callout, ‘a curse from you is all that I would need right now, man’ is another fairly self explanatory line: Anders doesn’t need much to be pushed into his big, final plan. At this point, with the repetition, it’s almost like he’s asking for them to ‘curse’ him-- for the templars to do something that’ll tip him over the edge, if you will.

Danger in the fabric of this thing I made I probably shouldn’t show you, but it’s way too late My heart is with you hiding, but my mind’s not made Now they know it like we both knew for some time I’d say

This is my absolute favourite line in this song with reference to Anders. I think it sums up his and Hawke’s relationship (whether romantic, friendly or otherwise) REALLY well. While Anders didn’t start the mage rebellion, not by a long shot, he IS one of the catalysts for the Mage/Templar war; Anders knows this. The whole ending of DA2 relies on the fact that Anders is scared and doesn’t want to tell Hawke about his plans. But “it’s way too late”-- he’s already set these plans into motion at the start of Act 3. 

“My heart is with you hiding, but my mind’s not made” refers to this idea, again, the idea that Anders is completely behind Hawke, completely willing to along with their own personal goals, but he’s not sure of how they’d react, what they’d think. His mind’s not made on whether or not to include them in his plans. HOWEVER, “now they know it like we both knew for some time I’d say” refers to the fact that Anders’ anger/willingness to skirt around direct action has clearly begun to rapidly disintegrate by the time Act 3 comes around. 

There is no way Hawke doesn’t suspect something’s up, and anyone who knows Anders knows he’s going to do something. Here, “they” could refer to anyone, but it makes the most sense when referring to Hawke’s companions. Almost everyone in the group makes a comment on Anders’ state. They all knew it was going where it winds up.

They’re smirkin’ at fresh blood, they’re circling above But this is not enough, yeah, this is not what you thought No, no, we are not just graffiti on a passin’ train

This is in reference to Dema’s vultures and bishops: they’re waiting for the Banditos (and Tyler) to slip up. Here, it’s about the Chantry, Templars and the mage rebellion: it’s about how Templars are everywhere in Kirkwall, how they’re under the belief that the mage rebellion can be crushed and the mages can continue to be controlled. But the rebellion is not a passing phase, not just something minor that can be brushed over.

Now, I know what you’re saying: “Alister, there are no trains in Dragon Age. Duh. Shut up.” To which I say: you’re absolutely correct, and I’d love to shut up, but I’m physically incapable of doing so! However, imagine with me for a second: mages leaving signs and graffiti around Kirkwall to tell others of their presence, and as soon as one is erased, more is put up in it’s place. Little signs and messages of the mage rebellion. Rad, right?

This culture is a poacher of overexposure, not today Don’t feed me to the vultures, I am a vulture who feeds on pain

These lines play on the idea that things come and go within our culture really, really quickly; when comparing it to Templars and Mages, you can absolutely say that this is referencing the culture within the Circle (made by Templars, mind you) that encourages very little exposure to the outside world. Templars crush and reject any idea or desire to leave the Circle or to have their own autonomy; they’re the poachers of overexposure to the outside world.

“Don’t feed me to the vultures, I am a vulture who feeds on pain” is a REALLY interesting line re: Dema and the character in this song, but it’s pretty straightforward to Anders and actually loops back to “And though I feed on things that fell”-- Anders, here, is asking those he knows to keep him hidden in darktown/Hawke’s estate, and he’s, again, someone who’s anger and sense of “I need to do something” is fuelled by the pain of other mages.

Sleep in a well-lit room, don’t let the shadow through And sever all I knew, yeah, sever all I thought I could depend on my weekends On the freezing ground that I’m sleeping on Please, keep me from, please keep me down from the ledges Better test it, wooden wedges under doorways, Keep your wooden wedges under doors

This bit is a little harder to relate to Anders. It could absolutely be thought of as him referencing pre-Kirkwall, but post-Awakenings days; it could be a reference to sleeping, literally, on freezing ground (and sleeping on the streets before he gets his clinic) while he struggles to understand what Vengeance has become and dealing with dark thoughts as a part of that. 

‘Sleep in a well-lit room, don’t let the shadow through’ could be along a similar line to “cowards only come through(...)”; Anders is saying that to keep the Templars out, to keep them safe, mages use “wooden wedges” as unreliable, low-effort ways to keep free mages safe. 

The implication of it then, especially with the repetition of the chorus at the end of the song, is that the mages need to take a different approach to keep themselves safe-- not just use ‘wooden wedges’. Especially when you take the video’s end into account, you could totally draw that comparison; Tyler gets taken by Nico, and similarly, many escaped mages get caught and found as Dragon Age 2 progresses. The rest of Levitate is fairly straightforward and it’s more difficult to include Anders in it; it deals with Tyler’s insecurities re: creating something new and original.

If you’ve reached this part of the post, first thing’s first: thank you so much! You’re an absolute champion. This really is just the most self-indulgent piece of ‘meta’ ever, honestly, lmao. 

Part 2 will hopefully come soon, and it’ll deal with the next two tracks on Trench, Morph and My Blood!

[kholoudnine]

Blogging For A Dummy

Hey guys.

So I haven't been very active of a blogger in a few years, at least not anywhere I would ever advertise it. Since I was very little I've had a big respect for bloggers actually, a strange truth about it being that I felt like blogging was just another way of writing, like my books or my poetry or my music, the only way that I could be listened too.

So I was drawn to it. I think the first blog post I ever did was when I was maybe like eleven, my mum had pretty much just discovered the blogging scene and what the internet is so she wanted to make money off it in some way and share our family. It didn't feel as genuine to me as it should've, though. While blogging felt like a way to be heard, not all blogging really appealed to me. I didn't want social medias because social medias were fake to me. They were overly happy, or they were overly sad. They were overly toxic, or they were drowning you in positivity, at least this was my exposure. While I have nothing personal against these types of bloggers and media users nor the audience which consumes their content, none of the idea of that is me. I don't want to write all happy things and be pretty and perfect and face tuned as has been suggested of me, as people I knew had been. Though I noticed over recent years that I'd gone towards a different extreme, sadness. Most of my work was written during anxiety attacks, or rage, or after an accident, or tragedy. I never smiled. Now, I will not say that writing sad things does not help me, it does, tremendously actually. But, I came to the conclusion maybe about a year ago that it was almost all of my work. I love my work, I do, no matter what it is, but when I can go back to the sad moments, and I can't think of any happy ones, that's a problem for me. I think part of that stemmed from not writing everything, and I mean everything. I almost felt ashamed for a while about feeling emotion. Like it was a bad thing or like if I am happy then it somehow discredits my sadness. I know where this comes from, but as my grandmother would say, that it another story.

I started to notice things about myself that I did not like, I let toxicity in within a heartbeat but shied away from happiness. If I met a decent person it excited the hell out of me, but it didn't take me long to decide to quit on it or that it wouldn't last. "I always doubted the longevity of friendships" is a quote from my own book, I know how snooty right? I'm that "quotes himself" guy now, but it's one of the thoughts Mikayla has that is probably closest to myself. I have thought that before, I've lived like it. This sort of pessimistic notion did nothing more for me but make me wary and more inclined, or should I say lightly obsessed, with watching my back about people. It also made me too accepting. I would accept bullshit relationships and abusive friends for the sole purpose of, if I'm not going to get any better than what is the point? I would use them to fill time essentially and just to have someone to talk to, which, isn't really better of me and it just made good friendships harder.

Now I've seen on twitter all day for the past two or three weeks "fuck fake friends" "when I learn how to stand up for myself it's over for you hoes" "my friends are so fake" "what's real friends?" "everybody's fake now" over and over and over again. All over my feed. In fact there is this one account of an influencer who pretty much only posts about people in his life being fake and untrustworthy. It's kind of one of the saddest things to me, fake friends and back stabbing and mean spirited comments are pretty much expected. All over Instagram comedy you see people getting cheated on to the point it almost seems expected in a relationship. While I know I might seem dramatic to say and point this out, we all go on social media a lot, let's be frank, if you're reading this post you at least are around one person who always talks about or quotes social media. This is the norm of social media. Meaning, this whole "no one can be trusted" narrative is what you're constantly and consistently exposed too. I don't want to perpetuate the expectation of failings and heartbreak, not exactly the positivity and realness spread I was hoping for, though I would actively believe it in my one personal daily life. It's not a positive thing, and nothing good really comes from it, it's extremely lonely to feel you'll never have real friends, and it opens up all sorts of doors for abusive relationships may those be platonic or romantic.

Another thing I noticed of myself was an insistent defensiveness, and while I can't hate myself for being that way, it wasn't healthy. In my poetry workshop a few weeks ago, the beautiful Miss Ebony Shun pointed a phrase out for me that was probably the best call out I've ever gotten. "You expect rejection. Expect acceptance." As usual, she was right, and that's a part of self growth I really want to work towards. I've been rejected by few, so thanks to that coupled with my belief that I'd always be let down by other people, I expected that same rejection from everyone else. It works in multiple scenarios.

Someone is hitting on me? I expect danger, I expect that it's someone who doesn't truly care about or respect me. It's someone I should defend myself from. So I must immediately act as such to protect myself ahead of time.

Someone wants to be my friend? I expect disappointment, they're not actually going to like me. It will be a very shallow friendship. I will put a lot into it and they will not even text me back, but I will accept that if I let it get to that point. So I should defend myself, and be as closed off as I can, and show nothing of myself. Do not talk. Make no connections.

I want to attempt to show people my art? I expect rejection, I will be told I am not good enough. I will be sent away and they will not hear me out on it for give me actual feedback for improvement. My singing sounds like whining, and my drawings are done by a five year old, nothing I write is as smart as it thinks it is. I should defend myself, avoid shows. Avoid letting people I will ever see again see my work, hide behind anon blogs and webposts no one's gonna find.

See? Bad. I have reasons, but it's still bad. Finding the reason to the problem should not excuse it, it should help heal it. Now don't get me wrong, I still struggle with these negetivities, daily, but I don't plan to stay that way now. Being conscious of them as problems, are my first step.

Next thing was to figure out how. How do I write anything happy? What the fuck is happy? Can I not swear? Can I not cry when I write it? When do I write about happy things? What the hell even makes me happy? Writing makes me happy but apparently it's all sad, so. This is a trap. Surely happy writing is reserved for freakin' crazy people and Mary Poppin's. It's all clear to me.

After that prompt breakdown and a few shitty one lines that did not sound like any Stiles I'd ever known, I realized something very important. I am a human being. I feel more than just happy cx and sad xc.

(My use of early 2000's emo/scene kid emojis is not apologized for. I concede no apologies for that.)

So when I started to realize that I started to realize another important and fucking obvious fact: I'm a blogger. I have a been a blogger for years, it's just, the only time I've ever been actually ya know, honest and happy while blogging? Was anonymously. I've had blog diaries, I've had poetry blogs, I started a review blog (twice?), I even just posted about my life in general, and what all of those blogs had in common besides nobody knowing who I was, is that I was honest on them, and they were actually entertaining to me and whoever was actually following along. I kept up with them more and so much better.

Once I realized that? I realized I could do this stupid melliniel social media thing, just without being sad, anxious, and pissed off all the time.

Blogging isn't happy or sad or scary or contentful to me, it's another form of art. (Also my way of attempting to smash the patriarchy and end humanities more trivial yet stupidly prevalent problems one human rights campaign and rally at a time, but ya know, art too.)

So here I am, blogging. Most of my posts will probably be like this one, start with a topic, run through my thoughts and experiences. Others will be fashion orientated, like the one I plan for how I'm going to pick my Bookfest outfit and fill with pictures of what I wore. Other's will be short stories or poetry. Others will be how to's on things I do. Like how I make my weird herbal teas or how I write songs. Some will be funny, some serious, others will be about the campiagnes I support and organize. With any luck, I'll post twice a week at very least, though I have no set days yet.

If you like what you see, and you'd like to see and hear from me more often, you can find my books on Amazon and my social medias posted below. Feel free to leave comments or suggestions about something you wanna see from me.

Until next time,

Peace, love infinite, and smile.

Nico.