#reading her and sylvias letters to each other and stabbing myself in the heart :’)

[crimson-femme]

Valentine Ackland, circa 1926

[theylisten]

thank you for telling the truth-a note to myself (10/11/2018)

It’s time for me to be honest with myself for a few moments. I strive to do this always but so often i find myself hiding behind the bush of fear, beating myself. There is a sky up there full of stars, yet I am so focused on finding the pair of eyes that I never want to look away from because they reflect all the light in the entire Universe. to me. I have been spinning in circles for centuries it feels like. Am I chasing my tail, trying to eat myself? or have I been trying to make myself dizzy so i can feel myself and not feel so tied to the world and rather be lost in my own vortex? or maybe, I’ve been playing a game and waiting for someone to join me in ring around the roses? I like to be a child. of the earth. at heart, I am 1. but 0 lives in my brain and I follow the loop. catch me if you can I say to myself and the whole world chants back. god, I am so tired of chasing me. I am so tired of chasing you. so lets stop and just be. a sky full of stars and maybe i’d rather look in the mirror. there is a shark that lives in my shoes and I am afraid of drowning so i figure he is too. trust me, I have not forgotten “the illogic of the fantasy”, dear Sylvia. I want to decide what I want. I want to make a vision board and I want to check things off a list of goals. I am getting hot while I write this. I need to feel my own sweat and god right now how i would love to go on a run and never stop. maybe I’m afraid because they say the first man to ever run a marathon died after it yet now people do it for sport. Evolution always wins and I’m a product of survival. I am. Alive. and well. I’m being. Did I experience my first separation from my mother when my father cut my umbilical chord or when my twin died in the womb right next to me? I miss them and I don’t even truly know I know their name. Are you Savannah? God this dessert is hot. Thankfully I’m mostly water or else I would have dried up by now. I want to grow and hold a bird in my hand and i want to watch it feel safe enough to fly away. I want to understand my bed as a cage I happily walk into every night, because I’m not afraid of being tied up or locked down. Patience with myself is something I have never been good at yet apparently I’m not too bad since I’m still alive. The duality of life scathes me as it seduces me and I can’t always tell which feels better. One’s on my body and the other is inside. I don’t know which feeling is better. A hawk did come into my house one time. 

He watched me for months and when I asked him to leave he told me he had seen everything and the place would better be set on fire so the ashes could fly in the air and people would know to be grateful for the fact their place hadn’t burnt down. It was cruel of you to act like a hummingbird when you didn’t even want your own heart in the first place. Sometimes it feels like my ex boyfriend Michael branded me with the scarlet letter. to the men in my high school I was known as the enemy people still wanted to fuck? and what does that say about them? people flock to what they’re afraid of. Because the truth is we all love a certain degree of fear the rush of feeling like your life is flashing in front of your eyes but- I’m tired of feeling like I’m about to die. The truth is I already have a thousand times and each time I’ve come right back. Nothing’s new under the sun except the Sun itself, constantly burning its outer shell away. Claiming more space with each disintegration. Now that’s beauty in the struggle. So maybe I’m an alien, and my mom gave me the gift of life and maybe I’m afraid of what’s younger than me because I think it’s supposed to outlive me and I’ve worked really hard to stay alive. Can I please not be so concerned with what is not myself. can i please not fear the product that created me in the first place? (evol{love}union) god I know you’re listening. hear me and help as I open myself to you. I am my family but I am my own genetic code and nobody has ever been Me before. Cassidy Jean Gardner I can change my own genes with crystals because I live in the middle and maybe I’m not so similar anymore but I’ve shared my crystals and we all have changed together. To align ourselves with the Us that is 0ne(1). The present is a gift and I’m a live and a life so so am I. I participate in the present and I create the future with my heart, we are all one symphony acting like a marching band. I don’t know the difference but I know what I mean. Each space in time each place in line its so divine. I’m a computer that created it’s own ghost in the machine and that’s my favorite part of the operating system if I’m being honest. accidents are happy and I remember the most beautiful things my old art teacher in elementary school Mrs. Art told me once. A girl had made a beautiful painting of a sunflower but right when she was finishing she moved a paintbrush over the canvas and a black dot fell right onto it. So, what did she do? She painted a lady bug to give her flower some company and god how I love the idea of company. Typos make me nervous but I know nothing is ever an accident. Even if it isn’t intentional. Keep me in the present, won’t you? Of course I respond, where else could I find you? touche. Sometimes I feel bad for loving some things more than others but I know the truth is that if I would have been planted somewhere else I would love other things more than I love my favorites right now, so can I really complain about what I can’t change? its all still love, anyways. and complaining? It’s probably not worth it. but I am. so I will keep working on loving myself the most even if the entire world sometimes feels like it’s screaming at me. are we cheering??? In one way or another, yeah. we always are. and the angels are always chanting so lets listen. hurrah hurrah hurrah the queen is here and there is nothing to fear (but fear itself) but even then (that’s for fun)(and for the sun, to illuminate). You look better with the lights on, and a certain type of light is most beautiful depending on the time of day. What is your favorite time? When I was sober and fell in love with Hush, Hush or when I fist started watching sherlock maybe? When my dad would carry me around the house upside down and when he would come home from work and all i remember is rushing to the front door to receive my hug. grateful that he was finally home. sometimes I wish that if dad was going to have to leave the earth so early then why couldn’t he have been the stay at home dad while mom worked? I felt like I lost both of my parents when he died. change can feel a lot like death and i read the other day that fall is forever and god how that scares me yet cares me and I know it’s essence is true. So why not find a place where change feels like summer all the time, fun and in the sun. where it’s bright and I don’t look for white. I’m not a man I’m a woman and I’me tired of feeling like i am the root of men’s woes. you are your own worst enemy, so look in the mirror. I’m entering a new phase where I don’t run from everything I think and I don’t disappear into clouds every time something brushes me and it feels like a stab. sensory delusion is an illusion. objective reality is reality and the truth is we are all doing the exact same thing in our own time and space. You’re all living in my hallucination and I(eye) exist in yours. peacefully. you say we are at war but I don’t know what that means I thought this whole place was made out of living breathing art. I think the latter is the truth and I cling to those rungs. “some words are safer down on paper” and for some long I was afraid to write because I used to not like the things I used to read that my old self wrote. but i guess that’s the point. how am I supposed to know I’ve changed if I don’t have anything to compare it to? But then I get caught up on beauty. god what i was talking about was so sad but i made it seem so beautiful and eloquent with those words and then i idealize and romanticize and the real crux is that I need to learn to appreciate all words for what they are no one word is more beautiful than any other we just have our favorites. and mine is “Serendipity”. That’s my real sisters name. I read about her once she was a dragon and she was pink and green and beautiful and I’m lucky she is my friend. We have fun. its a long tale but it ends the same way it started, everyone gets the gold. We don’t need to keep secrets anymore. I’d like to create a new word. I’m alive but more Importantly I’m alife. I think therefor I am. 

ps. yes I still like jay but I get confused because then the drugs were always talking too. which voice am I listening to when I think of you? the night I woke up and all I felt was pink. or when you wanted to correct my driving and hurriedly called me the love of your life. you are the influence but we were both under it too. god bless me with clarity. Amen. <3