#read the damn post and interpret it and have feelings and sometimes those feelings need to be strong.

[haaawaiianshirt]

anyways. holy fuck the qualifiers that I see in tags on posts literally just expressing grief for Palestine ..

blasting “maybe not right now” and “consider journaling” rays at all fellow usamericans

[ask-whitepearl-and-steven]

I admire your patience with those readers who need you to spoon feed them the story. Everything is in the comics but they still manage to go pass it. I can't help but feel a bit sad for them? Do they not understand what they read? Are they not attentive when reading it? I'm legitimately concerned because I function so differently I can't fathom this. If you like a story, isn't it normal to make your best to grasp it's essence and reflect on it? I know I project a lot about this, everyone works and registers things differentely of course but sometimes it's very frustrating to see people consume any media and just completely miss all the important messages in it, or even just fail to get the scenario sometimes, and it feels like it's very common now... Idk I just wanted maybe to have your perspective on this? Sorry for the long post (Been here for a few years now and your a true inspiration to me. All my luv to you! ❤️)

You know, I'm gonna be honest. I used to stress out about this... a LOT.

As a story-brained person, this is definitely something that comes naturally to me, and perhaps to you, and to many other people who are wired similarly. To us, following the path of a story in an analytic, highly detail-motivated manner and unwrapping the themes can be as exciting as lifting up a rock to see the bugs underneath. It's an exciting mental activity that's stimulating and feels effortless.

And yes, as an author who spends literally 60% of my day thinking about this comic and how to draw it, panel it, script it, make it better (I script and panel in my head constantly)........ I have trouble realizing/dealing with the fact that some people are just here to CASUALLY enjoy the story that I am lowkey obsessed with.

But I've come to realize that... that's NORMAL! And healthy.

People have different attention spans for different things.

People have varied ways to read a story and engage with it.

People have unique interests.

People don't have the same amounts of energy to devote to reading!

Maybe someone missed a detail I lovingly and painstakingly put into the dialogue because they're reading the update late at night after a long shift at work. And maybe someone scrolled past the dialogue completely and just got the gist from looking at the art, because they're in a hurry to get to practice at their favorite sportsball.

And maybe someone just had a really bad day with a really bad encounter, and they're reading the update in a terrible mood and instead of seeing MY grey-morality narrative, they're focusing on all the negative points and misread the vibes because of their own biases that stem from places of hurt.

The thing is, I have to be okay with that as an author, because I will NEVER be able to get into my audience's heads and read this comic 'correctly' for my own sake.

They will always have a slightly different interpretation of things, and they will always misunderstand details and miss clues. And sometimes, they will be wrong about the way they read a character's motivations... and sometimes maybe they won't be! That's just a part of communication. That's a part of telling a story.

An imperfect delivery, and an imperfect reception should, in my opinion, be a natural and accepted part of storytelling. We're human, and we all have a different lived experience, and we will ALL have different takes on a comic, even if it's so close that we THINK we are both getting the exact same thing. That small human interpretation variation is a home-made touch that makes it feel more organic.

In short.... Not all light particles make it here from the sun, but damn the result is stunning anyway.

[olderthannetfic]

I hate to revive DNI discourse when it just ended on this blog but I often don’t think it’s as deep as people make it out to be and there’s a lot of, for lack of a better word, ~valid~ reasons someone may have a DNI. Like there’s absolutely contexts of “Kink Blogs DNI” disclaimers having an anti, swerf, etc undertone but sometimes I get it — for example I follow a couple of disability activists who post A LOT about incontinence, needing a caregiver, ETC who have stuff like “ABDL/DDLG/Devotee Blogs DNI.” Oftentimes that is not an indicator on their moral stance of those kinks, but rather them just being like “hey this is an activism-based journal where I post about incredibly personal things in regards to my own life, and while anyone has the right to read or reblog from me, if you’re clearly getting off to my medical needs or even if I get the vague impression you are, you WILL be blocked.”

Obviously that is an incredibly extreme and personal example, but I don’t think having a DNI boundary in your bio is ALWAYS a morality/discourse stance. On a much lighter note, I’m pretty active on Kpop Twitter, and there’s a lot of “RPF DNI” accounts there, and I think that’s more of a “I just want to post about my favorite band without shippers quote retweeting/replying to make it about their ship, and if you do so, I’ll block you. They’ve made public statements against these ships or about their real relationships and I am uncomfortable with people trying to dispute that.”

Oh yes there’s absolutely antis who hate RPF communities and all they stand for. But there’s also people who just straight up don’t want that on their account.

And like. As someone casually involved with RPF (i gossip about potential relationships with close friends and will reblog joke posts about it and will read it, but I’m not a writer for it and I’m definitely not someone who actually tries to speculate just how heavy the “fiction” part of an RPF ship might be), whether or not I choose to follow a person with such DNI depends on context. I keep my RPF ships/opinions off my main account, and even if I DO see a post that I would otherwise interpret as possibly shippy, I just won’t bring it up on said person’s posts, you know?

Damn this made me remember I have a DNI myself on one my accounts, 🤣 I have a minors DNI on one of my sideblogs. But I know I can’t prevent minors from seeing my posts or lying about their age or reblogging to a private sideblog or doing anything else that would go unnoticed. But once I do notice you interacting, if you’re clearly underage I’ll block you, just cuz I don’t feel comfortable with minors following my smutty fanart account even if I know minors look at smutty fanart, as someone who did look at smutty fanart as a minor. . .🎶Maybe I’m the problem it’s me. 🎶

--

No.

It's a stupid phrasing and no amount of validity in the criteria will make it less stupid.

No one here thinks they're always deep and meaningful. What we all say every time this comes up is that it's bad to conflate "I will block you if..." and "It is your job to research my boundaries ahead of time".

I'm not interested in people crying about how they like using an inaccurate term and everyone is supposed to understand what they mean. In practice, many people do mean that it's other people's job to enforce their boundaries for them. Validating this garbage terminology just encourages them.

It's a stupid, shitty term and we should move away from it.

[doberbutts]

Hi jaz! I know u dont post docking/cropping disc horse on ur blog so if ur ok with it i was hoping u'd be ok answering this privately. Im really really not looking for discourse i was just very curious on what your particular stance on docking/cropping was. There are like obviously advantages and disadvantages for both that I've seen on your blog (from various opinions) but I've only irl met dob owners who are VERY against docking and cropping. Sometimes i see like u reblogged a post of a puppy with docked bandaged ears and i was like "huh! Interesting!" So way less of like a trying to start a discourse thing and more of like. Do you prefer docked or not docked? Do u support docking for any specific reason or not, like i know it used to be so they wouldn't get grabbed or something like that. Sorry if this sounds weird or super blunt im autistic and really terrible at wording things gently,, i've just seen both sides talked about and was wondering like what u thought as a professional dog trainer who's opinion I trust. Its more about personal curiosity than any discourse attempt but also also if u aren't comfortable discussing it at all then no pressure!! Like i dont wanna make u discuss something ur like "damn this is gonna be triggering to talk about" i never want to do that to u.

Thank u for taking the time to read :)

I'm actually fine posting this one publicly, only because I've stated it several times before on this very blog:

I do not give a fuck what other people do with their dogs as long as it is legal within their country and the owner is doing their best to be compassionate and fair to their animals. That can be interpreted whatever way anyone wants it to be.

In other words, someone who makes the decision to have their dog's ears cropped under the care of a vet or who purchases a dog with already cropped ears? Who gives a shit. Not me. Someone who takes a pair of scissors to their dog's ears at home? That person is an asshole and I hate them.

Very few doberman breeders in this country will allow a puppy to go home without cropping the ears or docking the tail. I am not sure if that puppy's breeder counts among them, as I have very little interest in purchasing a dog from her and thus don't know much about that part of her program. The pedigrees are simply not what I feel holds the future of the breed in terms of efforts for longevity combined with working ability, so I simply look elsewhere.

It is worth mentioning that the two fully natural dogs I have had, with one still living, come from countries in which the practice is either banned or so heavily restricted it may as well be banned. If someone is serious about wanting a fully natural doberman, most people will need to import.

I know of less than 10 breeders within this country who would allow the same thing, and of them I think I would only purchase from maybe 2 of them, and *both* of those people would only sell a fully natural dog to me because they know who I am. Someone unknown to them is still getting a cropped and docked dog.

For my own dogs, I avoid all potentially painful procedures that are not medically necessary. This does include cropping and docking, both of which are surgeries and all surgeries do have at least some pain associated with them. However I also don't spay or neuter my dogs for the same reason. When it becomes medically necessary, I will consider surgery. Until then, I will not. Thankfully, I was able to find someone who was willing to play ball with that, and that is why I have had a couple natural dogs. My dobermans prior to that were not, because I was not able to find someone, because they simply didn't exist in this country and I was a poor college kid unable to import.

[fictionkinfessions]

Anonymous asked: its the anon that wanted incest tagged https://www.tumblr.com/fictionkinfessions/760240297418588160/appreciation-for-andrewandy-graves-because-hes this one, sorry! and thank you.

this is a long post with additional anon ask responses.

Man. If that's incestuous, a lot of posts under the 'chara love' tag will be needing the incest cw tag.

Don't take this the wrong way. Incest is problematic and triggering and I do take tagging it seriously. But not everything is incestuous by default. We do need to account for alternate canons, platonicly intended sentiment, that in sme context people do not mean incestuous over / under tones even if they have an incestuous canon, and many other countless possibilities. And yes, I'm aware of the source material having incestuous overtones.

That said, the linked confession does not read as incest at all. I'm not going to tag it as incest for two reasons.

One) The op has confirmed none of that was intended as romantic or sexual, despite having an incestuous canon. A lot of other people, whether or not they have incestuous canons, often say the same or similar things. I think it would be hurtful and harmful to many people if we always interpret 'i love my sibling' as incestuous and not default platonic.

Two) I don't want to dilute the purpose of content warning tags. Meaning if a confession does not have explicit or implicit themes or topics, I will not use a content warning tag. That also means I will not blanket CW tag for sources. For example, if Supernatural has violence, blood, and murder, I'm not going to tag every Supernatural source confession with those tags. Otherwise it would become a useless tool to hide triggering content.

Considering I'm familiar enough with the name to tag the source, and that the op has a custom tag, perhaps blacklist one or both if it's a trigger for you.

Anonymous asked: I'm not the anon who asked, but the most recent Ashley Graves ask is this: https://fictionkinfessions.tumblr.com/post/760240297418588160/appreciation-for-andrewandy-graves-because-hes

I'm curious if the anon asking for a TW is OP of the ask or not? Because this ask doesn't seem to say anything inherently incestuous. If it is, sorry for my misinterpretation. But the only thing I could see as romantic in this ask is "taking me to prom," which siblings do sometimes platonically. The intent could be romantic, but imo, it's not INHERENTLY. And If OP meant it that way, I'm really not judging them for expressing how they feel. That's what the blog is for. But, if someone else is trying to take ANY expression of affection that way, just because of the source, then though those implications ARE in the text at some points, I still find it a bit unfair (especially on a kin blog).

So sorry if this is worded horribly or something, I am a little tipsy. And sorry if this sounds slightly personal, I am an Andrew.

Anonymous asked: ACTUALLY, if the last ask (about the Ashley Graves ask) went through, ignore everything I just said. I am drunk and thought I was being helpful, but I'm probably actually just complaining, lol.

Not the anon who asked for a TW on this post, but here is the link: /post/760240297418588160/appreciation-for-andrewandy-graves-because-hes

All I'll say is, I'm not actually sure whether this seems inherently romantic/incestous to me, but I have in fact been wrong before, and trust ur judgement MPC /gen

-Andrew

I'm neurodivergent so maybe I too am reading it poorly. But none of that confession sounded incestuous. It just sounded like a person grateful for an ally during a traumatic childhood.

Anonymous asked: Reply to https://www.tumblr.com/fictionkinfessions/760375296515014656/mpc-can-you-tag-the-most-recent-ashley-graves?source=share

Okay, Anon, are you the same person who asked to tag incest for the post about my memory about going to the mall with Andrew?

Do you think me saying "I love you, you're an amazing brother" is incest? Damn, I can't appreciate my brother for being a good brother, can I? Or was it the fact I mentioned he took me to prom in my canon?

Do you just think everything I say about Andrew is romantically/sexually charged?

-Ashley Graves (who is now just completely pissed off)

MPC, I'm sorry for this mess. If you can't post this reply, just please let Anon know to better themselves and understand actual relationships 🤦🏻‍♀️

Clearly you can't, I guess. I can appreciate being told when I miss tagging something because I don't know the source or I miss subtext because I'm neurodivergent and don't understand the person. But like. Kinda weird they saw that and thought incest. I'm sure it's because of the source material, but still. Idk. That wasn't incestuous.

Connie / mod party cat

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

I'd like to get in on the free readings you just posted about, if you're still doing them that is. May I have a reading please?

I'm newer to bringing gods into my practice and worship and I feel my adhd is making it terribly foggy and difficult for me to make a solid connection, so I'd like to ask if I'm trying to connect with the wrong gods/goddesses for me.

Thank you for offering your time and energy!~✨️

Yup, I'm still doing them! That post was only posted like an hour ago as I'm typing this, and I didn't get flooded, so no worries. Also just a quick note; my Ko-Fi is at the end of this post, but it's not a weird social pressure to tip. It's for anyone who is financially able and wants to, and so people who want to check it out- whether they're the one receiving the reading or not- can!

"Are they trying to connect with the wrong gods/goddesses?"

STRONG no on this one. LIke 4/5 cards were reversed. (I use upright = yes, reversed = no)

"What should they keep in mind to help make a solid connection to the deities in question?"

Nine of Cups: Wish Come True, Fulfullment, Pleasures. This card is all about abundance; balance in all areas of your life, satisfaction, all the good things! At first this didn't quite make sense but what I think it's trying to say here is… gratitude. Look at the good things around you. Maybe you're judging yourself too harshly, especially if you're seeing other people talk about their connections with their deities. Rather than looking at where you feel you fall short, look at what you already do have. You have them in your life, whether you feel like you're getting the "fireworks" you should have or not! While I won't go into full interpretation paragraphs for them, I did draw a couple clarification cards while writing this. The cards (Knight of Cups upright and Ace of Pentacles reversed) feel like they imply that you're looking more towards the money side of things, and you should be looking towards the emotional side. That could be talking about financial hardship causing you to panic and forget the emotional wealth you have, or it could be talking about the very common problem in the witchy/pagan community of thinking you need to have a fancy altar and top-notch offerings to connect with a deity, when really all you need is yourself and the deities you want to connect with.

This was only one card (which tbh surprised me, normally my deck spits out a LOT more) but I hope it resonated nonetheless! Here's my Ko-Fi if you want to tip, or for those who might want to check it out. Good luck with your deities, I understand how much of a pain ADHD can be as a witch sometimes! I appreciate feedback (even if that's just an ask going "yes it resonated" or "idk what you're talking about funny little card man") but there's never any pressure to do so, especially since some of these readings can get- if accurate- REAL DAMN personal.

[xplrvibes]

I am so sorry, guys. I intended in getting to the asks about Kat's songs but then I accidentally fell asleep 🤣.

It's been a chaotic day/week/month and I am old lol.

Anyway, I have many asks about it and the general consensus seems to be that the song itself was good, but didn't pack as much of a punch as people thought. I'm going to just make this one big blanket post with my thoughts because that's probably just easier.

Also, I am putting my thoughts behind a cut. If you are a person who does not want to hear about this, or if you are a person who doesn't want to hear any criticism towards someone you stan, do NOT click the read more. Keep it moving.

So, the song itself is...fine, I guess. I'm not a huge fan of this genre of music, so I wasn't expecting to be blown away by it from a musical standpoint (and I wasn't). I do think that more can be done from a technical aspect to mix her vocals in better so they are legible (cause they are NOT), but that is a production issue and not a Kat issue. I do want to say that I slowed the song down to .5 speed to try and decipher the lyrics and wow, it lowkey kind of rocked at .5. Very, very grungy sounding 🤣.

Anyway, the song itself was fine. I feel like they were going for an Abril Lavigne or even Paramore type vibe, which is cool. 🤷‍♀️

The elephant in the room of this song is the lyrics, and Sam, and Sam and Kat.

First of all - maybe I'm hard of hearing, but boy were those lyrics hard to decipher lol. I still don't know what the hell is being said in the chorus (in fact, anyone who can tell me what is said right after "how nice of you" wins a prize), which was part of why it took so damn long for me to get to these asks.

I don't know if the problem is the mixing of the lyrics with the music, or if there isn't enough enunciation when they are actually being recorded, but wow.

Anyway, the lyrics. Look, I know that a lot of people were expecting a full-scale evisceration, but let's be honest - that was never gonna happen lol. I think this was about as far as it was going to go.

There are a few biting lines -

the cry on cue line: this was especially of note to me because it validated something I said back when that break up video came out, which was that those were crocodile tears. I took heat for saying it then but sorry- it's true. Man cries and does shit in videos on purpose for attention sometimes. He's always been doing it, and probably will continue to do it. If I'm allowed now to critique him as a person without kicking up some drama, I'd say it's his middle child syndrome mixed with a pinch of narcissism and some insecurity to boot that causes that. But I probably can't say that, so I won't 😂.

The 50/50 like a teenager line: I need an explanation for this one. Was this multi-millionaire, 2 (soon to be 3) Mansion owning, self-driving tesla having rich guy making his much less financially well off girlfriend split every bill in half? Cause if so, he is both a cheap ass and kind of just an ass-ass lol. I'm sorry, but think about the absolute disparity in their income, and then think about the lifestyle he lives. Now imagine you are dating this man and he's taking you to Gordon Ramsey's kitchen and racking up an $800 bill on whiskey that comes out of a glass case and that fucking creepy ass beef wellington shit, and then the bill comes and he look at you and goes "halfsies?" I'd nut shot him. Fuck you, I could've gone to Red Robin and been just as fine. You wanna live bougie and you want my not-rich ass along for the ride? You're gonna have to pay the lionshare. Also - if I'm going to live in your house, and pay an equal share of the bills, you don't get to tell me that I have no say in decorating said house.

The "you sleep well cause she keeps her mouth shut" line: Oof. If I'm interpreting that right, she is saying she could very well destroy him with the shit she knows/shit he's done, but she won't. He's probably very lucky she isn't an Olivia Rodrigo/Taylor Swift type and this is as far as she went, judging by that line.

The tesla line: I think this is a dig at that day that Sam took K on the date to the LA Abandoned Zoo and then K posted an Instagram story in the tesla afterwards? I think? This could've been worded better, I feel, but if that's what she's digging at...double oof lol.

The 6 months line: 🤣🤣🤣. The amount of people that were shocked by the 6 months thing is really just proof positive that nobody stalks and dissects this man's moves the way they do Colby's, cause y'all had Colby and Ms Singer married after ONE DATE and talked about it ad nauseum for MONTHS and meanwhile, guess who was two steps behind him on said date? He and K were coupled up all through Halloween, dressing like Hailey and Justin Bieber, taking couples photos at the parties, but all I heard about was Ms Singer and the pool. Just saying 👏. Also, people can move on from shit whenever they want and however fast they want, but the people who were left behind and devastated and have to watch those people move on with lightning speed have every right to feel jilted about it, especially when the injured party took all the shit for the breakup and the other party was praised for being the sad reluctant hero in the whole thing.

I'm not dissecting the rest, cause the POV switches too much and I can never quite tell if she's talking about herself or K lol. But those lines were notable to me.

Overall...it was a good effort on Kat's part, and I can tell it has been therapeutic and cathartic. If anyone is upset about this cause you feel that Sam is being unfairly kicked down in this, I implore you to remember that this man enjoyed a full year of being able to freely say that he has been so much happier and more confident after breaking up with her, while she has gotten death threats for saying he blindsided her. She is allowed her day in court.

[evansblues]

So this question is something I've pondered about for a while. This is not meant to attack any other readers.

I often wonder how much a reader or medium's personal views/bias affect a reading or interpretation. I've been in the fandom for a while and I want to say before at least 2021 there used to few tarot readers, who weren't too invested in Chris himself and would read on him occasionally and some had 50-80% accuracy. Of course free will is at play and things change with time and ones personal decisions. But I often feel that since 2021 there's been this uptick of people too,too,too much damn invested in Chris. This isn't to attack anyone though, hell I know I've been guilty of it as well(though I don't understand tarot card interpretation and my knowledge of astrology is at best rudimentary)

2021 also was when this very bizarre incident occurred over discord, wherein this frankly strange lady opened up a server for tarot readings on him, had some strange etsy reader come on who urged the members of the server to message her with some emojis and she said she will find out if anyone there is his FS, promptly found out the FS who got the moniker catrose because of the emojis said person used. In reality the person who set the server was frankly a weirdo who was from LSA, who was also shunned there for oversharing about her personal life and often times exaggerated her life and experiences. This lead many more bizarre in-fandom incidents(like the secret gf of Summer 2021 and people seeing reflections of a woman on his piano in of those piano videos he posted)

Now the FS argument always makes my head turn, partly because of the obsession with this unknown woman's EVERYTHING. It's funny how she's a different person in everyone's eyes. Different age, appearance, ethnicity and characteristics according to everyone different. I often wonder if personal bias subconsciously leaks into interpretations and visions. Sometimes I almost thinks it is so. Is that a thing that's possible to happen to a reader or medium or psychic? I genuinely have wondered this because as I said, I've been in the fandom for a while and this FS went from a just a nice lady who will be good for him to completely different people(sometimes a boss bitch business woman to some nice quiet lady who works in STEM or is a teacher to a quirky person who's creative like him but in a different field, some see her as this spicy,extroverted queen and some see her as a quiet but eccentric person who will always stay behind the scenes)

Actually it's not just FS but even about Chris himself, it's like he's a different person in different readings. Of course humans are multifaceted beings and we only see one part of him.

I just, I don't know who to really take seriously sometimes😅

Basically I feel like there's lack of unbiased readings like from back in the day. Talkingtarot was on point about the 20s clout chaser which I guess what Alba is. Tarottabloid is someone whose readings feel fairly unbiased. I enjoy your astrological interpretations even when the amount of knowledge is quite intense for a noob like me.

So yeah, sorry for the huge essay. I just needed to voice it out somewhere.

The answer is bias affects readers the same way it affects anyone in anything. Some don’t want to see bad messages, some can’t or won’t interpret extraneous information, some are straight up fake. I posted an entry on how to spot fakes for that reason. It’s the same motivation as these long essays anons or blogs write about their opinions on why they think the complete lack of evidence on something means x, y, or z. Only some think claiming to be a reader will give them more credibility. I agree there is a lot of focus on him right now and that will mean more readers will tap into his energy or try their hand at interpretation.

As far as his fs is concerned, I see no benefit to anyone being allowed to get personal information on her through divination. It does not appear to me to be in any way to her aid to do so and I believe that is why every reader who pops up every few weeks to read on her gets a face full of negative energy. They are sniffing around where they don’t belong.

[misscammiedawn]

Don't you think it's a tiny bit silly that Tumblr invents games to get people to ask other people questions? Anyway, Sage and Jasmine

I think it is a little silly, but Tumblr ask culture was bred from the "memes" of Livejournal. Back in those days there wasn't really a DM system so memes like that would be shared and people would just fill out the full thing and post them to their blogs.

Sometimes I just fill them out like I used to in the old days. Sometimes I put them in Asks because I like pouring some love to the dying ecosystem of Tumblr asks.

Anyway. I lived through Livejournal era and Tumblr is the inheritor of that culture, so I hope that helps explain a thing.

sage ⇢ what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is?

I am all about the communication of experience. Humans are damned to never be able to fully understand ourselves or one another. Even the people who know you better than anyone else on the planet can only see reflections and interpretations of you.

Art is very much the same and it helps bridge gaps of experience. I can't understand what it is like to grow up in the Rwandan Civil War and be displaced to a foreign country and only know your home through stories and photographs. I will never have the generational trauma of holocaust survivors experiencing decades of behaviors and prejudice spread over 3 generations and have to work through the context of all those moving parts...

But I can try. Heaven help me, I can try.

Likewise, it can help me make context of the things I do know about. I may not know the horror of an entire generation of people surviving a willing genocide of indifference and watching everyone in their community perish slowly, but I sure know how it impacted my mother and in turn how she treated her biological children. I have such a profound emotional attachment to the art from the genocide that took place during the AIDS crisis and not just because I am a queer woman who needs to know her history, but I'm indirectly a victim of it and knowing it helps in some tiny way contextualize that.

Because if you move the lens back far enough, we are all part of this intricate machine of reality and every moving part impacts us via a butterfly effect and art is the only way I know to be in touch with that. Educating myself is all well and good, but feeling my fellow human? That is what I desire. More than anything. I want to feel.

Movies, music, installations, books, comics, performance. However you are able to package all of that unknowable Truth and condense it into a language that is hidden behind words and brush strokes and pieces of candy in the corner of an art exhibit.

How can I pick one?

I can't. I won't. I refuse.

jasmine ⇢ do you have a movie or book you loved but will never watch/read again?

Synecdoche, New York is the first one that comes to mind. I watched it during my social transition in 2019 when I wasn't on HRT, only certain people knew my name and even then only a small number of those people were calling me by it.

I knew of the movie through YMS and no one had prepared me for the trans read of the movie... so I went in blind and got demolished.

Look... Synecdoche is a crushingly beautiful film from an artist who has put his whole heart on the page with so much gusto that he famously derailed an adaptation of a non-fiction novel to tell a story about his mental breakdown while working on the screenplay.

I have so much to say about it and the poignancy of the script has only increased since Seymour Hoffman's death. But that film broke me when I watched it.

The sequence where the main character, Caden, has switched roles to become a maid. A partner clocks them on their repressed gender expression and Hoffman confesses he wishes he had been born a woman and his partner consoles him and engages erotic intimacy while repeating "pretty Caden" over and over again. It is probably the most pain I have ever experienced in my life through watching a piece of media.

I spoke to a friend about the experience and I won't copy the text of that conversation here, but I had a complete dissociative experience from it, I was really messed up. Particularly as my own baggage was weighing heavily into the moment and I had no way near close to have resolved my terror of erotic intimacy at the time (tbf it's still unresolved, but I am no longer playing the role of an allosexual husband so it is no longer an issue)--

Not the fault of the film, but it was the wrong time to watch that movie.

I just... I know if I watch that film again I'll return to 2019. The worst year of my life. The end of my entire life as I knew it. All of the pain of transition and none of the euphoria.

I can't do that to myself. I just can't.

Also... has anyone else noticed how much Charlie Kaufman's scripts have trans themes in them? Like I am still upset about "I'm Thinking of Ending Things" not being an overt transgender narrative because I was so certain by the ice cream scene that the real ending just kind of disappointed me in how... unambitious it was.

[actualbird]

// very vague and unspecific spoilers for basically everybody’s stories everywhere, specific spoilers maybe in linked analyses, obligatory disclaimer that these are just my own opinions and interpretations

character analysis: the nxx boys and “bad things”

okay so ive made a chart and it’s gonna look like A Lot but i swear i can explain myself fully if you read to the end

this chart is visualizing what each nxx boys’ tendencies, behaviors, and actions seem to lead back to.

on the left side, we have vyn and marius. 

i havent played too many of vyn’s stories, but thanks to some discussion with my friend kathleen @miladymiss​, somebody who HAS played a bunch of vyn’s stories, ive come to the vague conclusion that vyn has this general perception and belief that the world is cruel. he has an expectation that everybody has some kind of ulterior motive, that people will cast out those who are not in accordance with the mainstream, that people will hurt others. he does not want bad things to happen to him mostly because he expects that bad things will happen. to counter this, he leverages himself into a place of control more often than not (link leads to a prev vyn theory i wrote about this). 

marius on the other hand seems be the opposite in the sense that it’s actually his hope that people can/will be good that gets him into hot water. he employs facades and acts to protect himself from bad things happening to him (link leads to a prev marius analysis i wrote about this), because lol that actually has already happened a bunch, and yet he still has some a belief that people can change, something that makes him go to many lengths to try and prove.  if vyn expects that bad things will happen, marius does too, but marius, deep down, still wants to be wrong about that. to counter the danger his hope may cause, he puts up walls to mask his sincerity and true self.

vyn actively puts himself in control so that bad things do not happen to him. marius passively protects himself with his masks so that if bad things do happen to him, he’ll get out of it somewhat unscathed (or at least thats what he hopes, rip king). vyn is taking charge while marius is taking precautions.

but i want to immediately nix the thought of “i do not want bad things happening to me” being a purely selfish desire, because this desire, when pushed by friendship and/or love for another person, branches out into “i do not want bad things happening to you.” that’s pretty damn selfless! it’s protective! vyn and marius caring about another person would be them thinking something along the lines of “dont be too trusting, that will only get you hurt.”

now on the right side, we’ve got luke and artem

let me go to artem first (because i want to save my ultimate fave for last HAHA). the thing about artem and the “bad things” he doesnt want to do is that it manifests in the form of failure. ive said in a bunch of posts (cant link them bc theyre scattered over several posts hhh) that my vague conclusion on artem is that he holds himself to a merciless and meticulous standard because his life has been all about earning things, and the only way to earn things (sometimes things that do not need to be earned, like...happiness, artem, u good???), is to work tirelessly for those things. artem is scared of being underserving, and if he underserving, if he fails, he is a committing a sort of passive “bad thing” to those around him. 

luke, on the other hand, is in my opinion, frigging nuts. ive written an analysis on how luke perceives his existence and effect on other people’s lives as an inevitable negative. in this analysis, there is no “if i fail,” like artem. to luke, he thinks he’s already done it. and it’s not that he’s failed, it’s that he’s a bad thing completely (or at least a bad thing waiting to happen, and for him, thats fucking close enough). luke is both simultaneously scared of not being good and resigned that he is not good. he thus thinks that almost all of his desires are selfish and/or greedy somehow, because hey, im bad, why do i get to even want the rewards of being loved, thats not right! to luke, he is actively committing a “bad thing” to those around him at every given moment of his current life.

artem passively stops himself from being a bad thing by repressing aspects of himself he thinks to be faulty and/or not perfect (most of the time, emotions) to protect those around him. luke actively stops himself from being bad thing by putting the lives/desires of others above his own life/desires as some kind of penance for the people around him. 

now i want to immediately nix the thought that “i do not want to do bad things to others” as a purely selfless desire. it looks like that at first, but when this concept is pushed by friendship/love onto another person, it branches out into “i do not want to do bad things to you.” which, sure, is noble, but is also very focused on the self, on wanting to control the self and self’s effect on other people’s lives.

vyn and marius are worried about the threats from the outside while artem and luke are worried about the threats coming from themselves. all of them have their specific ways of dealing with this worry. all of them have their pros and cons, their strengths and weaknesses, but damn.

doesnt it feel great to see it all compared and contrasted on a chart???

....or is that just me HAHA

[athena-85]

Why go out on networks with those arguments?

How do they go on to talk about someone's womb with what right when it's a touchy problem of real people so many women struggle with fertility issues REAL people that they are seeing how a lot of insensitive people throw away "arguments" as to why a woman is worthless if she cannot have children. So many damn hundreds of years we women have fought to continue getting misogynistic comments from other women sucks.

They like so much to defend themselves saying that Elain is not real but and the people who represent themselves with Elain are not real? So many comments that she is boring and bland, so people who are nice have her personality

I'm so fed up with these damn comments I'm in the fandom why it's important to me ACOTAR took me out of a very dark place in my adolescence reading saved my life and that's why I love it and it seems like shit to me that the solution is that I have to go, the one that has to change, why if those idiots are the ones who make the fandom something disgusting.

I just need to calm down a bit because these comments really hurt me.

Hello Anon,

I agree I am fed up too!

The frustration is felt by many fans not only Elriel’s.

Sometimes when I feel that way I try to remember when fans (unfortunately mostly women) say stuff like that it is a reflection of their own inner turmoil and ignorance to their own personal prison.

They clearly have been raised to think of a woman’s worth in a certain way. SJM even makes comments about these views points through her characters within canon;

Amren: don’t under estimate Elain

Azriel talking about the Nephelle Philosophy: ““We—Rhys, Cass, and I—will occasionally remind each other that what we think to be our greatest weakness can sometimes be our biggest strength. And that the most unlikely person can alter the course of history.” “The Nephelle Philosophy.”

Feyre: reflecting on how SHE views Elain and not really happy with feelings about it in her bonus POV

Elain/ Nesta: “should I tend to my little garden?” Throwing in Nesta’s face that she can’t belittle her and then prevent her from doing more

Mor “the truth speaker”: saying to Elain how wise she is in ACOWAR when she reflects on Greyson.

Cassian: commenting on how Nesta was wrong about Elain she isn’t a “loyal dog” that she saw everything and understood why it happened.

Rhys: comments on how maybe Elain is just trying to please everyone and hasn’t had her time to be herself.

These “fans” also don’t really show up to these discussions with anything in their hands ;

What I mean by that is they currently have no good argument or evidence for what they want to happen in the series, so they lash out with cheap shots. This “gaslighting” is a way to distract from the debate

Evidence: SJM has not taken the time to build up Elain and Elucien’s relationship. She has not made it enemies to lovers she has made them both INDIFFERENT to one another. She has not connected them in anyway other than the mate bond, so this begs the question, if the mate bond didn’t exist would they care for one another?

Gaslighting

They insist they’re right and refuse to consider facts or your perspective - “ but they are mates”

deny or scoff at your recollection of events - this is why ELRIELs are constantly made fun of for bringing up canon and posting screenshots of the books. Bc we have to show our evidence or people say we can’t read the book no” reading comprehension”

twisting or retelling events to shift blame to you- saying we interpreted it wrong, even though they are always saying “ I feel”, “ Azriel only wants her for sex” “ Azriel is like a brother to her” “ Azriel just wants any female for a mate”, Elain can’t handle Azriel he is too dark (where does it say that!!!???)

I also think that if women view the world that way it is very sad.

Sometimes when you are frustrated take a break and remember in 5 years this will all be over and none of the “noise” will matter.

I am also happy to hear anyones rants about it because I have felt that way too.

Hope your day is going better ❤️🌹🍞

[facehaites]

Azriel + his Shadows

There seems to be a big debate within this fandom when it comes to Azriel and his shadows. Why this is even a debate is beyond me but I digress. In this meta, I am going to pinpoint all of Azriel and his shadows' interactions. It is very important to note that Azriel's shadows are a separate entity. They are not him. Moving on.

Quick little disclaimers:

1. This is going to be a long post.

2. You will notice that certain characters do, in fact, have a bigger emphasis on Azriel and his shadows vanishing (which is not a bad thing).

3. This is my interpretation of the shadows based on the context of the text. I also included the chapters if you so choose to read the quotes in context as well.

Some key terminology that, unfortunately, needs to be defined:

Cleared: rid of objects or obstructions

Stark: severe or bare in appearance or outline

Disappear: cease to be visible

Eddied: move in a circular way

Recoil: suddenly spring or flinch back in fear, horror, and disgust.

Skitter: to move lightly and quickly or hurriedly

These definitions will also be present among the text once it is noted.

BACKGROUND ON AZRIEL

"Shadowsinger. Yes- the title, whatever it meant, seemed to fit.

"Like the daemati," Rhys said to me, "shadowsingers are rare- coveted by courts and territories across the world for their stealth and predisposition to hear and feel things others can't."

Perhaps those shadows were indeed whispering to him, then. Azriel's cold face yielded nothing. (ACOMAF, Chapter 16)

"A new bastard in the camp- and an untrained shadowsinger to boot. Not to mention he couldn't even fly thanks to-" (ACOMAF, Chapter 16)

"I don't really know where I fit in anymore," I admitted [...]

"I've been alive almost five and a half centuries, and I'm not sure of that, either,' Azriel said." (ACOMAF, Chapter 22)

But Azriel, locked in his father's dungeons like some criminal until he was eleven, denied the ability to fly, to fight, to do anything his Illyrian instincts screamed at him to do... (ACOWAR, Chapter 18)

A corner of Azriel's mouth curled up, the shadows about him sliding over his neck like living tattoos, twins to the Illyrian ones marked beneath his leathers.

Shadows different from anything my powers summoned, spoke to. Born in a lightless, airless prison meant to break him.

Instead, he had learned its language. (ACOFAS, Chapter 7)

I held his gaze, though. Held that ice-cold stare that still sometimes scared the shit out of me. I'd seen what he'd done to his half bothers centuries ago. Still dreamed of it. The act itself wasn't what lingered. Every bit of it had been deserved. Every damn bit. (ACOFAS, Chapter 7)

Based on these excerpts from the books, we know that Azriel was not born with his shadows and his shadowsinging abilities. He acquired them when he was living in darkness and fear. They provided him company during his time of loneliness. He learned their language. They became his friends. They brought him comfort and provided him a defense mechanism when needed. They are not him.

It is important to realize that while Azriel's shadows are not him, they sense his emotions. While Azriel learned the language of wind and stone, the shadows, in turn, learned how to read Azriel's language and emotions and act upon them.

Side note: I'm going to go ahead and add this little jewel as well, just for fun:

Rhys said to Azriel, "If I had not met a shadowsinger, I would not have known that it is the family you make, not the one you are born into, that matters. I would not have known what it is to truly hope, even when the world tells you to despair." Azriel bowed his head in thanks. (ACOWAR, Chapter 69)

INNER CIRCLE

Let's start with conversations amongst the Inner Circle. We know that the IC is Azriel's family (see quote above) and he trusts them. We see throughout the books that not only are there calm conversations but there are also tense ones as well.

The gift of a violent, warmongering people," Amren added. Azriel nodded, shadows wreathing his neck, his wrists. Cassian gave him a sharp look, face tightening, but Azriel ignored him.(ACOMAF, Chapter 16)

This is Feyre's first time meeting the Inner Circle at the House of Wind. Feyre is getting the basic background of all of the members and we see from the quote above, Feyre is getting the background of Cassian, Azriel, and Rhys's heritage. This is where we first get a hint about Azriel's hatred for his own people. The way his shadows start to swarm him. They sense his hatred and disdain for Illyrians and they swarm to protect.

... I scrambled for something to ask and said to Azriel, those shadows gone again, "How did you- I mean, how do you and Lord Cassian-" (ACOMAF, Chapter 16)

We then see his shadows disappear. In context of this quote, Cassian makes a light-hearted joke when it comes to looking good while wearing the Siphons. Cassian's sense of humor helps ease Azriel and his disdain for Illyrians that was reemerging at the time.

(1) Azriel lingered by the window, comfortably ensconced in shadow, a light flurry of snow dusting the lawn and street behind him. And Amren... (ACOMAF, Chapter 19)

(2)... Azriel emerged from his wreathing shadows to ask the most questions; his face and voice remained unreadable. (ACOMAF, Chapter 19)

This quote (1), in context, presents the fact that both Azriel and Cassian were waiting for Rhys and Feyre to return from the prison. Not only is Azriel surrounded by his shadows, but Cassian also expresses "a coiled-up energy" while waiting. Both Azriel and Cassian present the same emotions when it comes to Rhys/Feyre and the prison. While Azriel's facial expressions remain unreadable, his shadows make it known what he's feeling (2).

I assumed Azriel was nearby, seeking sanctuary in the shadows. Hopefully, he'd gotten some rest after dealing with the Attor- and would rest a bit more before heading into the mortal realm to spy on those queens. (ACOMAF, Chapter 28)

Here we now have Feyre associating Azriel with his shadows. She has, for most of the time, seen them surrounding him. "Seeking sanctuary" is an interesting word choice because it shows that she also sees that Azriel uses his shadows for sanctuary.

We searched, but the missed arrows had been snatched up by our attackers- and even the shadows and wind told Azriel nothing, as if our enemy had been hidden from them as well. (ACOMAF, Chapter 42)

This is one of our first indications that Azriel's shadows essentially work for him. They spy for him, they hunt for him. They work for him. So, not only do his shadows read his emotions, they're essentially his employees.

Azriel, his face a mask of beautiful death, silently promised them all endless, unyielding torment, even the shadows shuddering in his wake. I knew why; knew for whom he'd gladly do it. (ACOMAF, Chapter 42)

The Hewn City. A disturbing and evil place that Azriel (along with the Inner Circle) clearly hates. In this quote, it's very clear Azriel is pissed- mainly for the fact that Keir, Mor's father, is the Steward for the Hewn City. His shadows are, again, reacting to his rage that he has for Keir and the Hewn City in general.

Within a heartbeat, Azriel had vanished into shadows and was gone. Keir didn't even turn. (ACOMAF, Chapter 42)

Our indication that not only do the shadows read his emotions, protect him, and work for him, they're also a means of quick transportation.

"He remains alive," Azriel answered, shadows curling around the clawed tips of his wings, so stark against the snow beneath our boots. "So do the others." (ACOWAR, Chapter 13)

This scene takes place right after Azriel and Cassian rescue Feyre and Lucien from Eris and his brothers. The shadows surround Azriel while speaking about Eris, whom we all know he does not like.

Cassian took up a place against the banister, crossing his arms with an arrogance I knew meant trouble. Azriel remained beside me, shadows wreathing his knuckles. As if battling High Lords' sons was how they usually spent their days. (ACOWAR, Chapter 14)

Back in Velaris after rescuing Feyre and Lucien from Eris and Co. Yet again, still pissed.

Cassian gave her a vulgar gesture that made Lucien choke on his green beans. "I was a young Illyrian and didn't know better," he said, then pointed his fork at Azriel. "Don't try to blend into the shadows. You said the same thing."

"He did not," Mor said, and the shadows that Azriel had indeed been subtly weaving around himself vanished. [...] (ACOWAR, Chapter 17)

This scene is a good way to show that the Inner Circle knows and is aware that Azriel does, in fact, use his shadows to hide. In this scene, Cassian acknowledges that Azriel begins to hide when talking about a joke amongst the boys referring to wanting more women within the group to "look at all day". Then we have Mor, who speaks up to defend Azriel and his shadows vanish. Mor makes him comfortable in an uncomfortable moment.

Azriel shook his head, shadows twining around his wrists. "It's not the same. When you're older, the fears, the mental blocks... it's different."

None of them, not even Amren, said anything. (ACOWAR, Chapter 18)

Azriel offers to help Feyre with flying. Whenever talking about his childhood and/or Illyrians, the shadows make an appearance. A source of comfort for him when talking about something he despises. The entire IC is aware of his past and feelings towards it; so much so that it's emphasized that Amren doesn't even say anything.

As the shadows wreathing him cleared, Azriel sized up Nesta and Cassian, then threw a vaguely sympathetic look in my direction. "I need to start our lesson early." (ACOWAR, Chapter 19)

Azriel appears at the HoW to pick up Feyre for their first flying lesson. With his amusement of the banter between Nesta and Cassian, along with the fact that Rhys sent Azriel to "rescue" Feyre from it, we see the shadow around him disappear.

Cleared: rid of objects or obstructions

Disappear: cease to be visible

Too far- this was pushing them both too far. I tried to catch Cassian's gaze but he was monitoring them closely, his golden-brown skin unnaturally pale. Azriel's shadows gathered close, half veiling him from view. (ACOWAR, Chapter 27)

After the Hewn City, Mor finds out that Azriel knew about Rhys working with Eris. Mor feeling betrayed by both Azriel and Rhys makes Azriel angry and uncomfortable. He wants to hide from it all.

"Call off your dog," Amren said with the lethal tone.

Because the shadow in the corner behind Amren... that was Azriel. The obsidian hilt of Truth-Teller in his scarred hand. He'd moved without my realizing it- though I had no doubt the others had likely been aware. (ACOWAR, Chapter 27)

Duty calls, even when it's against someone like Amren. A heated discussion when Amren found out the Feyre went to the Bone Carver to ask about the Ouroboros mirror. Amren is clearly pissed about it and, to protect his High Lord and Lady, Azriel moved behind Amren via his shadows.

And as if he'd summoned him, Azriel stepped out of a pocket of shadow by the stairs and scanned us from head to toe. His eyes lingered on the blood crusting Rhys's hands. (ACOWAR, Chapter 32)

Another example of how Azriel uses his shadows as means of transportation. He was guarding the townhouse with Elain inside after Feyre and Nesta were attacked in the library.

Azriel, wreathed in shadows by the front door, chuckled quietly. Cassian shot him a glare. "I don't see you spouting poetry, brother."

Azriel crossed his arms, still smiling faintly. "I don't need to resort to it." (ACOWAR, Chapter 41)

Before the High Lords meeting in Dawn. Tensions with the upcoming meeting and war are high but that still doesn't stop friendly banter between the IC.

Azriel instantly vanished. First to arrive- first to see if any trap awaited. (ACOWAR, Chapter 41)

Spymaster duty calls. More means of transportation.

Azriel squeezed, Eris thrashing beneath him. No physical brawling- there had been a rule against that, but Azriel, with whatever power those shadows gave him...

"Enough, Azriel," Rhys ordered. Perhaps those shadows that now slid and eddied around the shadowsinger hid him from the wrath of the binding magic. The others made no move to interfere, as if wondering the same.

Azriel dug his knee- and all his weight- into Eris's gut. He was silent, utterly silent as he ripped the air from Eris's body. Beron's flames struck the blue shield, over and over, but the fire skittered off and fizzled out on the water. Any that escaped were torn to shred by shadows. (ACOWAR, Chapter 45)

Not only does it seem as if Azriel’s shadows have more power than just hiding/comfort/spying, but they seem to be giving into Azriel’s wrath towards Eris while, all at the same time, hiding him and destroying the flames that managed to escape the shield from his Siphons.

Eddied: move in a circular way

Azriel's eyes slid to Eris, the High Lord's son panting beneath him. And the shadowsinger leaned down to whisper something in his ear that made Eris blanch further.

But the shield dropped. The shadows lightened into sunshine. (ACOWAR, Chapter 45)

Azriel is done attacking. He drops his shields. His shadows lighten but don’t disappear. What a guy.

(1) But I looked to Azriel, currently leaning against the wall beside the floor-to-ceiling window, shadows fluttering around him. Even the birds in their cages nearby remained silent. (ACOWAR, Chapter 47)

(2) I frowned at the birds in cages throughout the room, still silent in Azriel's shadowy presence. (ACOWAR, Chapter 47)

(3) Azriel barely spoke, those shadows still perched on his shoulders. Mor barely looked at him. (ACOWAR, Chapter 47)

After the disaster of a High Lord/Lady meeting, Azriel is fuming. His shadows are providing him comfort and ease while he doesn’t involve himself with the rest of the Inner Circle.

Still fuming, still brooding. Azriel hasn’t moved from his position by the window. What’s also worth mentioning, as well as with the previous quote, is that the birds in the bird cages turn silent and stay silent in Azriel’s presence.

Azriel, shadows wafting from his shoulders and trailing at his feet, ignored him as he passed. The shadowsinger hadn't shown a flicker of emotion, however, to Mor when he'd met us in the foyer. (ACOWAR, Chapter 48)

After the High Lord/Lady meeting and after Mor's one-night stand with Helion. Azriel, and literally everyone there for that matter, saw what was going on between Mor and Helion, saw them leave together. Needless to say, he's probably a combination of angry, confused, and hurt.

I closed my eyes. During that time, I'd have to get across the battlefield before us, find wherever he kept the Cauldron.

"My shadows are hunting for it," Azriel said to me, reading my face as I opened my eyes. His jaw clenched at the words. He was supposed to be searching for it himself. He flared and settled his wings, as if testing them. "But the wards are strong- no doubt reinforced by the king after you shredded through his at the camp. You might have to go on foot. Wait until the slaughter starts getting sloppy." (ACOWAR, Chapter 69)

This is a perfect example of how Azriel’s shadows basically work for him. While he is with Feyre during the battle, he has his shadows scouting around, looking for the Cauldron. Even his shadows are unable to locate the Cauldron based on the wards that the King placed on them.

"I can fight on foot," Azriel said to Rhys.

"No." There was no arguing with that tone.

Azriel seemed like he was debating it, but Amren shook her head in warning and he backed down, shadows coiling at his fingers. (ACOWAR, Chapter 69)

Azriel is wanting to fight and Rhys is refusing to let him do so. Not to mention that it even takes Amren giving Azriel a warning not to go against Rhys’s orders. Clearly, Azriel isn’t too happy about it with his shadows surrounding his fingers.

Amren snorted, and we fell into flanking positions around my sisters. A glamour of invisibility would hopefully allow us to skirt the southern edge of the battlefield- along with Azriel's shadows as he monitored from behind. But once we got behind enemy lines… (ACOWAR, Chapter 70)

Another example of how Azriel’s shadows not only work for him, but are separate from him. Feyre and Amren are escorting Nesta and Elain to get to the other side of the battlefield. Azriel, talking to Rhys and Eris about their plans, sends some of his shadows as means of protection/invisibility for the group on the move.

Feyre cleared her throat. "All right, Az. Let's hear it."

Azriel folded his wings, shadows writhing around his ankles and neck. "Queen Briallyn has been busier than we thought, but not in the way we expected." (ACOSF, Chapter 20)

It’s very typical for Azriel’s shadows to be present when he’s discussing tense topics and situations with the Inner Circle. Talking about his recent spying missions about Briallyn, we learn that, in the context of the book, he had to torture the information out of many people. Although we know that Azriel literally tortures people for a living, it still doesn’t make the situation any less tense for him to discuss.

Then Rhys inhaled sharply, his body full of movement again. Azriel asked, his own shadows gathering at his shoulders, "What happened?" (ACOSF, Chapter 29)

Nesta’s nightmare that causes the entire House to shake and bring Rhys to help bring her out of it. When Nesta slips into unconsciousness, what the three brothers witnessed strains them. Azriel is not the only one who is surrounded by his own shadows. Rhys’s own are surrounding him as well.

(1) Feyre slid into the seat beside his, but Cassian, Rhys, and Az remained standing, the shadowsinger leaning against a pillar, half-hidden from sight. Feyre asked, "Are the soldiers enchanted?" (ACOSF, Chapter 41)

(2) "Just the Harp remains at large, then," Azriel said. He remained leaning against the pillar, swathed in shadows. (ACOSF, Chapter 41)

Discussions about the Autumn Court soldiers that were in the Oorid that Cassian and Azriel took with Helion, along with discussing the Dread Trove objects. Typical that Azriel makes his presence known, all while at the same time being hidden as well. What a guy.

Azriel stepped forward, shadows trailing from his shoulders. "Kallias, Tarquin, and Helion might be willing to kneel. Thesan will kneel if the others do." (ACOSF, Chapter 42)

Amren discusses with Rhys, Cassian, and Azriel about Gwydion and Narben, along with discussing the possibility of Rhys becoming High King (ew, no. I hate any High King talk). This is also the same time that the brothers are ‘messing’ with the weapons that Nesta made; dangerous weapons that they were advised not to touch (typical).

RHYS

The argument with Rhys this morning had been swift and brutal: Azriel insisted he could fly- fight with the legions, as they'd planned. Rhys refused. Cassian refused. Azriel threatened to slip into shadow and fight anyway. Rhys merely said that if he so much as tried, he'd chain him to a tree. (ACOWAR, Chapter 69)

After Azriel went to the Hybern camp to rescue Elain, he came out extremely injured. Because of this, Rhys felt the need to pull rank and order Azriel to stay on the ground and not fight. We know that Azriel is loyal but this is one of the examples that shows that when it’s something that’s important to him, pulling rank goes only so far. The ability for Azriel to “slip into shadow” is not only a means of transportation but a way to go against Rhys’ orders.

One glance at Azriel's unreadable face and I added, "Don't bother to answer that."

A corner of Azriel's mouth curled up, the shadows about him sliding over his neck like living tattoos, twins to the Illyrian ones marked beneath his leathers. (ACOFAS, Chapter 7)

There are times we see Azriel’s shadows disappear around members for the IC. With that being said, when certain topics are being discussed, topics that do not sit well with Azriel, he is surrounded by his shadows. With this conversation with Rhys, they are talking about a potential Illyrian uprising. Here, Rhys makes a comparison about Azriel’s almost-constant shadows being almost like tattoos.

"The Illyrians are pieces of shit," he said too quietly.

I opened my mouth and shut it.

Shadows gathered around his wings, trailing off him and onto the thick rug. "They train and train as warriors, and yet when they don't come home, their families make us into villains for sending them to war?"

"Their families have lost something irreplaceable," I said carefully.

Azriel waved a scarred hand, his cobalt Siphon glinting with the movement as his fingers cut through the air. "They're hypocrites." (ACOFAS, Chapter 7)

Still talking about Illyrians, whom Azriel very much hates. He’s surrounded by his shadows when it comes to topics like this; in this case, his hatred for the Illyrians. Like, he really fucking hates them so I think Azriel is the last person who would help “fix” Illyria. He would rather watch it burn.

"Send Lucien, then. As our human emissary."

I studied the tenseness in Azriel's shoulders, the shadows veiling half of him from the sunlight. "Lucien is away right now."

Az's brow rose. "Where?"

I winked at him. "You're my spymaster. Shouldn't you know?"

Az crossed his arms, face as elegant and cold as the legendary dagger at his side. "I don't make a point of looking after his movements."

"Why?"

Not a flicker of emotion. "He is Elain's mate."

I waited.

"It would be an invasion of her privacy to track him."

To know when and if Lucien sought her out. What they did together.

"You sure about that?" I asked quietly. (ACOFAS, Chapter 7)

Azriel gets tense and hides half of himself in his shadows when Rhys brings up Lucien. This is clearly a conversation that Azriel doesn’t enjoy and we see that it is because Lucien is Elain’s mate and he not only respects her privacy, but does not want to see if Elain and Lucien have any type of interactions with each other.

"You mean to tell me that you weren't bluffing when you said you didn't track Lucien's every movement?"

Nothing. Absolutely nothing on that face, on his scent. The shadows, whatever the hell they were, hid too well. Too much. Azriel only said coldly, "If Lucien kills Graysen, then good riddance." (ACOFAS, Chapter 7)

Two things come to mind with this quote.

One: Azriel really does not enjoy talking about anything Lucien and Graysen related because his shadows are surrounding him during these specific discussions. (Azriel basically says that Grayson can just drop dead- love that.)

Two: his shadows are known for hiding him in tense situations but with this quote, his shadows also hide Azriel’s scent. Not only is hiding your scent important for a Spymaster, but does he hide his scent around others as well? (I love this man)

"Azriel nodded his agreement, his shadows twining around him. Most of the camp women had ducked into their homes when he'd appeared.

A rare visit from the shadowsinger. Both myth and terror. Az looked just as displeased to be here, but he'd come when I asked." (ACOFAS, Chapter 26)

Talks about the upcoming Blood Rite with Rhys and Cassian. Azriel is willing to interfere with the Blood Rite in order to kill Kallon. (Again, he doesn’t give a shit about Illyrians, being Illyrian, and their traditions) While in Illyria, he’s constantly surrounded by shadows due to his hatred for his heritage. Rare for him to show up, but since he is loyal to Rhys, to an extent, he would go if asked.

FEYRE

A wisp of shadow curled around Azriel's ear, and his eyes snapped to mine. I schooled my face into bland innocence. (ACOMAF, Chapter 16)

The first time Feyre meets the entire IC, she notices Azriel’s shadows, as anyone would have. She also notices that they seem to disappear whenever Mor is around. In this quote, we see one of Azriel’s shadows essentially alert him that he is being watched as he immediately looks at Feyre when his shadow whispers into his ear.

The spymaster had waited in silence. I tried not to look too uncomfortable as he scooped me into his arms, those shadows that whispered to him stroking my neck, my cheek. (ACOMAF, Chapter 22)

Going to the human lands to see her sisters, Feyre requests to be flown by Azriel. While not quite comfortable in Feyre’s presence yet, along with the need to be on alert when it comes to flying over lands, his shadows surround them both. Feyre makes note that the shadows whisper to him, implying there’s a language between only Azriel and the shadows.

Another impact struck the ice behind us. Shadows skittered in its wake. Azriel. (ACOWAR, Chapter 13)

Rescuing Feyre and Lucien from Eris and his brothers. As we see, more shadows. He’s pissed, Especially since it’s now known that Feyre is not only Rhys’s mate but also their High Lady.

"In the blinding sun off the turquoise water, his shadows were gone, his face stark and clear. More... human than I had ever seen him." (ACOWAR, Chapter 29)

Probably one of my favorite quotes about Azriel. During a break from Feyre’s training lesson, Feyre sees that the shadows are gone and Azriel’s face is clear. With the mention of him looking “more human” it is meant to show the reader that Azriel, just like the rest of these characters, carry burdens. Whether it be war, heartache, and/or feeling lost, they have them. In this scene, Azriel’s shadows are gone and his face shows that at the moment, he’s not burdened by his internal and external battles.

Stark: severe or bare in appearance or outline

Azriel had made us invisible- shadow-bound.

We sprinted between tents, feet flying over the grass and dirt. "Hurry," he whispered. "The shadows won't last long." (ACOWAR, Chapter 65)

During the rescue of Elain, dawn is approaching and Azriel knows that all of his shadows won’t last in the sunlight. Since he is making them invisible, it would be difficult to continue that in the light of day.

MOR

Both Illyrians turned toward her, Cassian bracing his feet slightly farther apart on the floor in a fighting stance I knew too well.

It was almost enough to distract me from noticing Azriel as those shadows lightened, and his gaze slid over Mor's body… (ACOMAF, Chapter 16)

When Feyre first meets Azriel, she instantly notices how his shadows lighten and almost disappear in the presence of Mor. We later find out that Azriel has been in love with her for the past five centuries. This shows that whenever Mor is around, he gets put at ease.

Mor patted Azriel on the shoulder as she dodged his outstretched wing. "Relax Az- no fighting tonight. We promised Rhys."

The lurking shadows vanished entirely as Azriel's head dipped a bit- his night-dark hair sliding over his handsome face as if to shield him from that mercilessly beautiful grin. (ACOMAF, Chapter 16)

Any thought about Mor, any touch from Mor, causes Azriel’s shadows to completely vanish. His shadows have learned Azriel’s emotions and language, therefore, know when they are needed and when they’re not.

Yes- Azriel, who kept a step away, whose shadows trailed him and seemed to fade in her presence. (ACOMAF, Chapter 22)

Mor is telling Feyre her backstory and mentions Cassian and Azriel. Everyone associated Azriel with his shadows but in the short time of knowing him, Feyre is able to acknowledge that when his shadows fade in Mor’s presence, they have history. We later find out that that history is him being in love with her for so many years.

Shadows curled around Azriel's shoulders, whispering in his ear as he stared down Eris. (ACOWAR, Chapter 26)

Knowing the history that Mor, Eris, and Azriel share, Azriel is always on edge and angry when it comes to Eris. Azriel was even willing to challenge Eris in a dual for what was done to Mor. His shadows swarm him as they whisper to him, a form of comfort in a tense situation.

CASSIAN

Cassian was trying. Azriel had lunged into the fray, nothing more than shadows edged in blue light, battling his way toward where Cassian fought, utterly surrounded. (ACOWAR, Chapter 56)

During the battle with Hybern, Azriel uses his shadows to fight and move as he tries to get closer to Cassian, to reform the lines.

Cassian hadn't told anyone about the step he'd found with the clear finger holes burned into it. He wondered if Azriel had somehow learned of them, the news brought to him on his shadows' whispers. (ACOSF, Chapter 22)

Another good quote to show that the shadows give news to Azriel about things that he doesn’t specifically see for himself. He’s a spymaster. Not only does he get his information from his own eyes, but he uses his shadows to gain the information as well.

"I thought I'd do some training myself before heading out for the day," Az said, his shadows lingering in the archway, as if fearful of the bright sunlight in the ring. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" (ACOSF, Chapter 23)

As we know, Azriel’s shadows tend to sometimes disappear in the sunlight but not always (see quote below). Azriel seems to be perfectly fine with his shadows lingering in the archway. He’s not concerned about it so why are you? Moving on.

"Where have you been exercising these days?'

"Here," Azriel said. "At night." After he returned from spying on their enemies.

"Can't sleep?" Cassian took up a fighting stance.

A shadow curled around Azriel's neck, the only one brave enough to face the sunlight. "Something like that," he said, and settled into his own stance across from Cassian.

Cassian let it drop, knowing Az would have told him already if he'd wanted to share what had been hounding him enough to exercise at night, rather than in the morning with them. (ACOSF, Chapter 23)

Here, Cassian is questioning Azriel about his training and why he now tends to train at night. Something (Elain) is weighing on Azriel’s mind so he uses training at night as an outlet. That being said, going back to how his shadows provide comfort to him when he’s feeling down, a shadow of his is “braving the sunlight” to provide a little bit of comfort to Azriel as Cassian brings up this topic.

The air parted, and Azriel appeared at his heels, unsteady and bobbing, but flying. Darkness rose behind them, confirmation that Az wielded his shadows to hide their captives. (ACOSF, Chapter 34)

As Azriel and Cassian leave after fighting with Autumn Court soldiers, Azriel uses his shadows to hide them from anyone who might find them, until he can get back to them for questioning.

"I think the better question is if Eris is still alive," Azriel murmured, shadows whispering in his ear. "I can't get a read on it." (ACOSF, Chapter 67)

As we read ACOSF, we know that the Inner Circle has formed some type of alliance with Eris. In this quote, Azriel is trying to locate Eris’s whereabouts and if he’s alive but he can’t tell. His shadows are searching but they whisper to him that they can’t tell.

Cassian rolled his eyes. "I stopped spying because it bored me to death. I don't know how you put up with this all the time."

"It suits me." Azriel didn't halt his sharpening, though shadows gathered around his feet. (ACOSF, Chapter 68)

Spying and waiting for Eris to appear. Cassian is out of his mind due to Nesta being in the Blood Rite while Azriel sits in wait, sharpening Truth Teller, with his shadows present, waiting to alert any movement to him.

The shadows deepened around Azriel, his Siphons gleaming like cobalt fire. "You-we-trained them well, Cassian. Trust in that. It's all we can do." (ACOSF, Chapter 68)

The trio being involved in the Blood Rite is worrisome. Cassian is going out of his mind while Azriel attempts to calm him. Azriel, having not only experienced the Rite but knows how Illyrians are, causes his shadows to deepen.

MOR & CASSIAN

It was an effort not to stare at Azriel as he watched them head up the steep street, arm in arm bickering with every step. The shadows gathered around his shoulders, like they were indeed whispering to him, shielding him, perhaps. His broad chest expanded with a deep breath that sent them skittering, and then he set into an easy, graceful stroll after them. (ACOMAF, Chapter 29)

Feyre, the prophet herself, is the one to point out that seeing Azriel’s shadows gather around him as he watches Mor and Cassian is a sign of protection. This is her very first time experiencing Azriel display some form of longing and jealousy towards Cassian and Mor’s dynamic. His shadows seem as if they were whispering to him, to relax him. Honestly, his shadows here skitter due to unexpected air movement.

Now, please continue to tell me that when his shadows disappear, that it’s a bad thing. This quote right here literally proves otherwise. When the shadows disappear, he does not need them.

Skitter: to move lightly and quickly or hurriedly

Mor elbowed him in the ribs. Cassian nudged her right back as Azriel shook his head at both of them, shadows coiling around the tips of his wings. (ACOWAR, Chapter 16)

Slight jealousy about the dynamic between Mor and Cassian but not as much as the quote mentioned above. The Inner Circle is also discussing war against Hybern as well. Both instances bring out his shadows.

ELAIN

Azriel arrived first, no shadows to be seen, my sister a pale, golden mass in his arms. He, too, wore his Illyrian armor, Elain's golden-brown hair snagging in some of the black scales across his chest and shoulders.

He set her down gently on the foyer carpet, having carried her in through the front door.

Elain peered up at his patient, solemn face.

Azriel smiled faintly. "Would you like me to show you the garden?" (ACOWAR, Chapter 24)

By the time we get to this point within the series, we know that Azriel’s shadows are not always present. We see this here when he carries Elain down to the townhouse. This is not the first time Azriel has been in Elain’s presence. We know that they met at the Archeron estate back in ACOMAF (“the only two civilized ones here”) and we all know the ending to ACOMAF in Hybern.

With that being said, it is important to note that his shadows are nowhere to be seen when escorting Elain down to the townhouse. Just like he is when he is in the presence of Mor (and sometimes his family), he is comfortable enough to have no need for his shadows.

"I can help her," said Azriel, stepping to the table as Elain silently rose. No shadows at his ears, no darkness ringing his fingers as he extended a hand.

Nesta monitored him like a hawk, but kept silent as Elain took his hand, and out they went. (ACOWAR, Chapter 30)

Just like when he escorted Elain from the HoW to the townhouse, when he volunteers to escort Elain to the garden, there are no shadows. Again, he is at ease and is comfortable. I would also like to note that, not only does he volunteer to take Elain, but he’s also not hiding from the sunlight like I know some people like to think he does. Azriel craves sunlight, just as much as any person would, after being deprived from it for the first 11 years of his life.

Behind me, Mor took Nesta and Cassian by the hand, readying to winnow them to the camp, while shadows gathered around Azriel, Elain at his side, wide-eyed at the spymaster's display.

[...]

Rhys cleared his throat, and nodded to Mor. Then she was gone, Cassian and Nesta with her. Then Azriel, gently taking Elain's hand in his own, as if afraid his scars would hurt her. (ACOWAR, Chapter 50)

Without going too ‘pro Elriel’, I would like to take this opportunity to point out that Elain has never been afraid of Azriel and his shadows. She has looked at them with wonder and has never cringed from them. In this quote, Azriel is using his shadows to transport both him and Elain to Illyria.

Azriel stepped out of shadow. "What is that,'"he hissed.

My brows rose. 'You hear it?'

A shake of the head. "No- but the shadows, the wind... They recoil." (ACOWAR, Chapter 63)

As we know, Azriel’s shadows are different from winnowing. Azriel literally steps out of shadow when he uses them for transportation. We see that in this quote, along with the mention of the Cauldron and the noise it is making. The sound that the Cauldron gives off makes his shadows recoil.

Recoil: suddenly spring or flinch back in fear, horror, and disgust.

From shadows near the entrance to the tent, Azriel said, as if in answer to some unspoken debate, "I'm getting her back."

Nesta slid her gaze to the shadowsinger. Azriel's hazel eyes glowed golden in the shadows.

Nesta said, "Then you will die."

Azriel only repeated, rage glazing that stare, "I'm getting her back." (ACOWAR, Chapter 64)

Elain has been taken by the Cauldron to the Hybern camp. Azriel is surrounded by his shadows in anger. With the knowledge that he could potentially die, he does not hesitate to be the one to rescue Elain. By this point within the series, we know that when the shadows surround Azriel, he’s uncomfortable, brooding, angry, or all three.

Azriel silently faded into blackness- until he was my own shadow and nothing more. (ACOWAR, Chapter 65)

Feyre accompanies Azriel to Hybern’s camp to rescue Elain. With Feyre taking the form of Ianthe, Azriel uses his shadows to blend in with Feyre’s shadow as they enter- a form of stealth.

But through the laughter and singing and music, over the roar of the fire... Screaming.

A shadow gripped my shoulder, reminding me not to run.

Ianthe would not run- would not show alarm.

My mouth went dry as that scream sounded again.

I couldn't bear it- to let it go on, to see what was being done-

Azriel's shadow-hand grasped my own, tugging me closer. His rage rippled off his invisible form.

We made a lazy circuit of the revelry, other parts of it becoming clear. The screaming-

It was not Elain. (ACOWAR, Chapter 65)

While being Feyre’s “shadow” as she enters the camp as Ianthe, Azriel’s presence remains solid. When hearing a scream, Feyre can feel Azriel holding her back. In doing so, both of them have no idea whether or not it is Elain. We see Azriel’s fury at the thought of the screaming being Elain's when his shadow-covered hand grabs Feyre’s and she can literally feel his rage coming from him.

Azriel emerged from the deep shadows in the corner of the tent a heartbeat later. He jerked his chin toward the curtains in the back. I began intoning one of Ianthe's many prayers, a pretty speech I'd heard her say a thousand times at the Spring Court.

We rushed across the rugs, dodging tables and furniture. I chanted her prayers all the while.

Azriel slid back the curtain-

Elain was in her nightgown. Gagged, wrists wrapped in steel that glowed violet. Her eyes went wide as she say us- Azriel and me-

I shifted my face back into my own, raising a hand to my lips as Azriel knelt before her. I kept up my litany or praying, beseeching the Cauldron to make my womb fruitful, on and on-

Azriel gently removed the gag from her mouth. "Are you hurt?"

She shook her head, devouring the sight of him as if not quite believing it.

"You came for me." The shadowsinger only inclined his head. (ACOWAR, Chapter 65)

Elain’s rescue from the Hybern camp. Before this scene, it is noted that Jurian was aware of Azriel hiding in shadow. He emerges from the shadows in the tent to rescue Elain while Feyre continues the ruse of pretending to be Ianthe. I’m sorry, I couldn’t bring myself to cut half of this scene.

I saw the painting in my mind: a lovely fawn, blooming spring vibrant behind her. Standing before Death, shadows and terrors lurking over his shoulder. Light and dark, the space between their bodies a blend of the two. The only bridge of connection... that knife. (ACOWAR, Chapter 69)

Before the battle of Hybern, Azriel gives Elain Truth-Teller, his prized dagger whom he has let no one in his entire life touch until Elain. From Feyre’s point of view, she pictures this scene in a poetic way- with Death itself standing before the Maiden, both who have formed a bond.

Side note: Throughout the ACOTAR series, it’s important to note that whenever Feyre thinks of a specific scene as a ‘painting’, it means that it’s pretty significant. All of her ‘paintings’ that she has pictured have been some type of foreshadowing or major event within the story.

"What now?" Elain mused, at last answering my question from a moment ago as her attention drifted to the windows facing the sunny street. That smile grew, bright enough that it lit up even Azriel's shadows across the room. "I would like to build a garden," she declared. "After all of this... I think the world needs more gardens." (ACOWAR, Chapter 80)

Another scene with Azriel’s shadows lightning when it comes to being in Elain’s presence. Everyone has just survived the war and is back in Velaris. For Elain, the one who took becoming Fae the hardest, smiled so bright that, not only did it brighten the entire room, but it brightened the shadows. Another sense of ease and comfort throughout Azriel and the entire IC.

The shadowsinger was clad in a black jacket and pants similar to Rhysand's- the fabric immaculately tailored and built to fit his wings. He still wore his Siphons atop either hand, and shadows trailed his footsteps, curling like swirled embers, but there was little sign of the warrior otherwise. Especially as he gently said to my sister, "Happy Solstice."

Elain turned from the snow falling in the darkness beyond and smiled slightly. "I've never participated in one of these." (ACOFAS, Chapter 19)

This is a good example that shows that yes, even in the presence of Elain, his shadows are sometimes still there. Azriel and Elain are not alone, they are in the presence of the entire Inner Circle. Azriel’s shadows are present for comfort, should he need it.

Azriel cleared his throat, and Cassian blinked. "What?"

"I said, are you two ready to head down to the river house?"

"Two?" He blinked through the cloud or arousal.

Azriel chuckled, shadows skittering. "Did you listen at all last night?"

"No."

"At least you're honest." Azriel smirked. "You and Nesta are wanted down there."

"Because of the shit with Elain?"

Azriel stilled. "What happened to Elain?"

Cassian waved a hand. "A fight with Nesta. Don't bring it up," he warned when Azriel's eyes darkened. Cassian blew out a breath, "I take that as a no regarding the meeting topic, then."

"It's about what I discovered. Rhys said he requires you both there."

"It's bad, then." Cassian surveyed the shadows gathered around Az. "You all right?"

His brother nodded. "Fine." But shadows still swarmed him.

Cassian knew it was a lie, but didn't push it. Az would speak when he was ready, and Cassian would have better success convincing a mountain to move than getting Az to open. (ACOSF, Chapter 19)

I put this quote in the Elain category because it obviously has to do with Elain. Two things need to be said about this quote.

1. Once again, his shadows skitter due to unexpected air movement. When Azriel laughs, his shadows skitter. They literally move away from him. Remember that.

Skitter: to move lightly and quickly or hurriedly

2. Azriel is at the HoW to inform Cassian and Nesta that they’re needed at the Riverside estate. He is taken off guard when he learns there was a fight between Nesta and Elain. Cassian makes note of the shadows that are building up and swarming Azriel. He even questions if he’s okay because he notices the change. Azriel was fuming at the thought of Elain being hurt and/or upset. Cassian even knows it’s a lie when Azriel tells him he’s fine.

“Look who decided to grow claws after all,” she crooned. “Maybe you’ll become interesting at last, Elain.”

Nesta saw the blow land, like a physical impact, in Elain’s face, her posture. No one spoke, though shadows gathered in the corners of the room, like snakes preparing to strike. (ACOSF, Chapter 21)

Listen, this is the same energy as the time when Cassian was briefly telling Azriel about the fight Nesta and Elain previously had. Quick recap: Azriel got pissed at the thought of Elain being hurt by Nesta. Shadows gathered around him because of how pissed he was. The end. Again, same energy.

Azriel is in the room when this scene is taking place. Nesta doesn’t want Elain being involved when it comes to tracking the Dread Trove’s. Elain fights back because she wants to help. Nesta decides to be a bitch about it. Everyone in the room can see how Nesta’s words affected Elain. Azriel, witnessing this all take place, is pissed yet again. Hence how his shadows are getting prepared to strike at Nesta, Elain’s own sister. This same exact phrase was used about Azriel himself being done with Nesta. Please, refrain from saying that the shadows hate Elain. If they hated her, they would literally just say “you’re on your own with this.” Miss me with that b.s.

NESTA

Azriel said coolly, "I don't need to resort to threats." The shadows coiled around him, snakes ready to strike. (ACOSF, Chapter 8)

Nesta is in a bad mood. Azriel is in a bad mood. Nesta threatens and challenges Azriel. Azriel’s shadows react to his mood, ready to protect him from a threat. Case closed.

Azriel turned to them fully this time, eyes narrowed. Like those shadows had whispered something to him. (ACOSF, Chapter 44)

Cassian is telling Nesta, Emerie, and Gwyn about his time with the Valkyries. The rebirth of the Valkyries is a pretty big fucking deal and since Azriel was not with Cassian during his time spent with the Valkyries during the first war, he does not know much about them. As Azriel is training the other priestesses, Cassian is telling his story. Before this quote, it is stated that Azriel is monitoring every word and gesture that Cassian is making. Azriel’s shadows seem to whisper to him to listen because it’s a big deal.

Azriel lingered near the door, quiet enough that when Feyre and Mor began talking about some of her painting, Nesta went over to him.

"Why don't you sit?" She leaned against the doorway beside the shadowsinger.

"My shadows don't like the flames so much." A pretty lie. She'd seen Azriel before the fire plenty. But she looked at who sat close to it and knew the answer.

"Why did you come if it torments you so much?"

"Because Rhys wants me here. It'd hurt him if I didn't come."

"Well, I think holidays are stupid."

"I don't."

She arched a brow. He explained, "They pull people together. And bring them joy. They are a time to pause and reflect and gather, and those are never bad things." Shadows darkened his eyes, full of enough pain that she couldn't stop herself from touching his shoulder. Letting him see that she understood why he stood in the doorway, why he wouldn't go near the fire.

His secret to tell, never hers.

Azriel's face remained neutral. (ACOSF, Chapter 58)

In this scene, Azriel uses his shadows as an excuse as to why he is standing away from the fire, lingering in the doorway. Nesta can see through his lie and learns the real reason why he cannot be near the fire. *cough* Elain *cough*

Queue Sarah Janet Maas: “Nesta learns some of Az’s secrets.”

Azriel blushed and stepped back, shadows swirling. (ACOSF, Chapter 58)

When Azriel gives Nesta her gift at Solstice, she jumps up and hugs him, surprising everyone. Due to slight embarrassment, his shadows are around him, just in case he feels the need to shield himself from the embarrassment.

Cassian lingered at the doorway as Nesta murmured to Gwyn, "You've got this." Azriel came up beside him, silent as the shadows that wreathed his wings. (ACOSF, Chapter 60)

Both Cassian and Azriel are watching the trio do more Valkyrie training. Azriel’s shadows continue to surround him. Enough said.

Az's shadows danced around him. "Since there's no chance in hell any of you will finish the course, we didn't bother to get a prize." (ACOSF, Chapter 60)

Azriel is talking to all of the priestesses, along with Nesta and Emerie, about their upcoming obstacle course. Cassian and Azriel are having fun with this because they don’t see any of them accomplishing the course.

Note: This quote seems to be a hot topic when it comes to Azriel and his shadows. The word danced is just used as an analogy for movement, a word that SJM uses often. If you’re interested, check out my small post here for examples.

AZRIEL & THE SHADOWS

Azriel's dark breeze was different from Rhys's. Colder. Sharper. It cut through the world like a blade, spearing us toward that army camp. (ACOWAR, Chapter 64)

Feyre here is explaining the difference between Rhys’s shadows and Azriel’s. Basically implying that while Rhys may have shadows sometimes, especially with winnowing, Azriel’s are different.

Cassian soared over the House of Wind to find Azriel there, hovering in place, a heavy pack in his hand. Whether that had been from a separate warning from Rhys, or Az's own shadows whispering, he didn't know. (ACOSF, Chapter 47)

Again, another example of how Azriel’s shadows basically hear everything, report back to him, and Azriel can do what needs to be done.

Even Azriel's own shadows kept tucked behind his wings. Koschei laughed, and Azriel stiffened. Like his shadows had murmured a warning. (ACOSF, Chapter 71)

Meeting Koschei, Azriel’s shadows seem to be just as terrified of him as Azriel does. Koschei speaks on the wind, Azirel’s shadows speak on the wind as well. Koschei said something to his shadows through the wind, causing them to warn Azriel who, in turn, then had “pure terror” on his face. He then grabs Eris and flees.

AZRIEL POV

Az snickered to himself, to the listening shadows around him.

Sleep, they seemed to whisper in his ear. Sleep.

I wish I could, he answered silently. But sleep so rarely found him these days.

Coming from Azriel himself, he speaks and listens to his shadows in their own language. They seem to want what’s best from him and his health, as they’re telling him to get some sleep because he gets so little.

But even the silence weighed too heavily, and though the shadows kept him company, as they always had, as they always would, he found himself leaving the room. Entering the foyer.

Confirmed. Whenever the shadows are around, they keep him company. Now please, tell me more about how his shadows disappearing is a bad thing. Next.

Lie. Well, the second part was a lie. He didn't need his shadows to read her tone, the slight tightening of her face.

“He didn’t need his shadows”. This is literally telling us that he uses his shadows to get a feel for what a person might be thinking. The fact that Azriel doesn’t need to depend on his shadows to read Elain should tell everyone just how close their dynamic with each other is.

Elain sucked in a soft breath that whispered over his skin. His shadows skittered back at the sound. They'd always been prone to vanish when she was around.

Again with the word ‘skitter’. This time, his shadows skitter due to the sound Elain makes. This is not a bad thing. Azriel’s shadows skittered back when Azriel himself laughed. C’mon now. Please see the definition for skitter below. Azriel also recognizes that his shadows vanish in Elain’s presence. This is basically implying that it’s not a bad thing. Like I said before, if Azriel isn’t concerned, why are you?

Skitter: to move lightly and quickly or hurriedly

[...] Azriel let his shadows whisk away the box as she said softly, "Put it on me?"

Here we have his shadows essentially working for him. Not much else to it.

Azriel winnowed into shadows before she could say anything, appearing at the doors to Rhys's study a heartbeat later. His shadows whispered in his ear that Elain had gone upstairs.

Here Azriel uses his shadows to transport himself to Rhys’s study. They also seem to be keeping watch over Elain, as they report to him that she had gone upstairs when he left.

(1) He found it already occupied. His shadows had not warned him.

(2) “It's fine. I came to retrieve something I forgot." The lie was smooth and cool, as he knew his face was. His shadows peered over his wings at her.

(3) The young priestess smiled--and Azriel thought it might have been directed at his curious shadows.

(4) “How was the party?" Her breath curled in front of her mouth, and one of his shadows darted out to dance with it before twirling back to him. Like it heard some silent music.

(5) Azriel dipped his head in a sketch of a bow, something restless settling in him. Even his shadows had calmed. As if content to lounge on his shoulders and watch.

(6) Azriel entered the warmth of the stairwell, and as he descended, he could have sworn a faint, beautiful singing followed him. Could have sworn his shadows sang in answer.

Okay, here’s the deal. I’m combining all of the quotes about Gwyn because it’s easier to explain all at once. So, first things first, his shadows did not warn him when he was flying to the training ring (1). Very strange, based on the fact that his shadows tell him literally everything else. His shadows not warning him should not be taken as a good thing, let’s be real. We also have his shadows sitting on his shoulders and peering over his wings (2, 5). As seen in the quote above, Azriel knows and is aware that his shadows are there to also provide him comfort. This is coming from Azriel himself. Once again, Azriel’s shadows being present is a sign of comfort, protection, and/or work.

Gwyn also seems to be more interested in the shadows rather than Azriel himself (3). This correlates to how his shadows react to Gwyns breath and singing (4, 6). AGAIN, his shadows are the one’s reacting to Gwyn, not Azriel. I, personally, find it a little odd that the shadows react to Gwyn’s breath/singing the way they do. Very similar to how Nesta’s power within her reacted to Gwyn’s singing as well.

Yes, I’m going to be that person and say that all of these interactions with Gwyn pretty much confirm her being a Lightsinger. I am not saying that Gwyn will be evil (my god, I can’t believe I have to even say that about every Gwyn post), all I’m saying is that there's a pretty good chance that she is. Whether she’s being manipulated or she has no clue, who knows. Long story short, Azriel’s shadows are basically trying to figure out Gwyn’s “secret” (see ACOSF, Chapter 9 for more details).

BONUS

Elain stepped out of a shadow behind him, and rammed Truth-Teller to the hilt through the back of the king's neck as she snarled in his ear, "Don't you touch my sister." (ACOWAR, Chapter 74)

I debated whether or not to add this but why not. Elain was using Truth-Teller, Azriel’s dagger. Were these Azriel’s shadows? Elain’s shadows? Does using Truth-Teller give a connection to Azriel and his shadows? Who knows.

[jackoshadows]

The ASoIaF fandom can be so frustrating sometimes.

It’s okay to admit that one doesn’t like this or that character. There’s nothing wrong in disliking a character.

I am pretty open on my blog about my indifference towards or dislike for Sansa because of her stans. I don’t make disclaimers about how much I love the character before proceeding to criticize Sansa. I am not a Sansa stan and that’s okay. My blog is a place for me to jot down my thoughts and celebrate characters, books and shows I do like. If you love Sansa as a character, block me, don’t follow me etc.

What’s obnoxiously annoying are the folks who claim to love all the characters the same and then give their ‘unbiased’ opinions which are held up as canon facts because they came from neutral book reader experts. To hell with that nonsense.

These posts reek of hypocrisy and double standards. It often tears down some characters while subtly propping up others - and it’s gobbled up by the wider fandom as unbiased interpretation of the text.

One example is pushing forth the notion that calling Arya pretty (Something that both her father and brother tell her she is in the books) is wrong, it’s sexualizing her, it’s okay for Arya to be ugly, she’s canonically not pretty because Cat/Sansa said so and no other interpretation is allowed etc. And then the same person who says all this celebrates Sansa’s beauty and ships her with a 27 year old man who falls in lust with Sansa.

Or when they say that the Arya-Lyanna (and Sansa/Lyanna parallels, because it’s always important to mention Sansa with respect to Lyanna even if said person claims to not care about Lyanna as a character) parallels are overrated and not important and they don’t care about Robert’s Rebellion characters but on their blogs there’s all these posts, fanarts and meta about Elia Martell - a Robert’s Rebellion character.

A so called book expert would note that GRRM has several characters outright compare Arya to Lyanna or mistake Lyanna for Arya in the books while Sansa has no such comparison. But no, the unbiased book expert thinks that the Arya-Lyanna and Sansa-Lyanna parallels are equivalent and are both overrated.That post just annoyed me excessively into writing this long ass rant post.

Why are these neutral, unbiased folks so interested in stripping away from Arya’s story?

In the books Jeyne Poole is masquerading as Arya Stark - but that story is only Jeyne’s, has nothing to do with Arya or Arya’s importance to the North. 

Arya is a strong warg, Nymeria and her wolf pack are a ‘Chekov’s wolf pack’ that GRRM has hung on the wall  -  Our expert opinion is that Direwolves are not all that important in the grand scheme of things.

Arya is pretty - why needlessly call Arya pretty, it adds nothing to Arya’s story and is all about sexualizing a child.

Arya-Lyanna parallels - why do we need these parallels, Arya is distinct and interesting without them.

These aspects are all important parts of the character’s story. There are so many very well written essays exploring these concepts with respect to Arya’s journey of self discovery in the books, the narrative significance of her parallels to Lyanna, her bond with Nymeria and her warging talents. For those who are interested, here are two bloggers who actually like Arya and have written about her character and character arc.

https://donewithwoodenteeth.tumblr.com/meta-masterlist

https://ashotofjac.tumblr.com/tagged/arya-stark

Some of these same people will rush to condemn any reading of the books that does not have Sansa wielding power at the end as being ‘Sansa hate’. But they will have no issues to undermine and devalue Arya’s actual book story, the relationships she has, the parallels she has, the skillsets she has, her appearance, her importance to the current story happening in the North.

There is a whole ass plot currently in the books of Northerners rallying for Arya Stark and preparing for battle against the Boltons for Arya Stark. But that’s not important because it’s actually Jeyne Poole and Arya’s story is about sailing off west of westeros.  But hey, Sansa will definitely go North and hold power and that’s like 100% happening because we are the unbiased book experts and we say it is so.

Or when all else fails - Arya is a Mary Sue, she’s a fantasy character, she’s a ‘strong female character’ because she fights with a sword, people like her because she’s a tomboy who fights. Sansa is realistic, Sansa is complex - but here are all the essays that basically transfer Arya’s complexity and story to Sansa - because it fits more with their fave, because these aspects would fit better with the traditionally feminine character even though they never tire of talking about how GRRM is deconstructing tropes. Because the trope deconstruction is only applied to Arya, Jon and Dany. Never Sansa.

And honestly, why are these people reading a high fantasy series if they hate fantasy and fantasy characters so much? We love Sansa because she’s so non-magical! Then go read non-fiction books. They also twist Jon, Arya and Dany into ‘fantasy’ characters - despite these characters going through some very real and human experiences. What’s fantasy about Arya’s experiences in war torn Westeros, Jon dealing with bigotry at the wall, Dany trying to rebuild Meereen, while dealing with famine, disease and insurgency?

Or how Jon and Dany getting any kind of happy ending or becoming rulers would be so boring, sweet, predictable, conforming to tropes, a happy ending etc. But Sansa getting love, romance, going home, becoming the Stark in Winterfell, getting her fairy tale ending - that’s totally what GRRM is going to do! No trope deconstruction there!  In may ways, Benioff and Weiss’ ending is not all that surprising -  Mad Queen Dany, Jon remaining a bastard with the freefolk, Sansa having power as a leader - are all popular theories among bnfs in the fandom. D&D wanting to wind up the show quickly with easily found fan theories is not that much of a stretch.

ASoIaF reddit is equally frustrating. Instead of Sansa stan bnfs on tumblr who pretend to like Arya and Dany while subtly undermining their story and importance, on Asoiaf reddit it’s Stannis stans who dislike Jon and Dany because these characters present a challenge to Stannis. The mere suggestion that Jon may play a role in the battle against Ramsay sends them into frothing at the mouth rage. They hate Jon, Jon is a Gary Sue because he dared advice Stannis - the greatest general ever - on Northern military strategy. Never mind that Jon grew up in the North and learned from Ned, how dare Jon Snow know more than Stannis! Unacceptable!

And I love Stannis Baratheon. I want Stannis to crush and defeat the Boltons. But unlike reddit dudebros, I can see that he is a secondary character, a tragic character who is most probably going to perish and Jon takes over because Jon Snow is a central protagonist in the story.

I feel it’s the same with Sansa. IMO, GRRM clearly doesn’t see Sansa in the same way as he does Arya, Jon, Dany, Tyrion and Bran. Whenever he is asked questions about the books, book plots, long term arcs, endings, age gaps etc it’s these characters he often brings up and references. It’s these characters who are important to him.

And that’s why there’s a lot of undermining and undervaluing of these character’s and their stories, them being described as fantasy characters, tropes, Mary Sues and Gary Sues, ableist rhetoric about Tyrion and Bran to undermine them.

I am damned certain that if it was Sansa who had all the parallels to Lyanna, or if she was the warg, or Jeyne Poole was impersonating her, this would all be ‘VERY IMPORTANT’ and on all the gifsets and essays. But she isn’t. So fandom bnfs are reduced to talking about how these aspects are not all that important anyway.

It’s like how this quote - ‘You may be as different as the sun and the moon, but the same blood flows through both your hearts’ turns up on gifsets every other day on the Arya tag but this quote - ‘Sansa could never understand how two sisters, born only two years apart, could be so different. It would have been easier of Arya had been a bastard, like her half brother Jon. And Jon’s mother had been common, or so people whispered’ very rarely does and will not get reblogged when it does.

Or when Sansa sees Joffrey trying to kill Arya and sides with Joffrey or when Sansa throws Arya under the bus and tells the Lannisters that it’s Arya who is the traitor - just sisters being sisters y’all!

It’s all about maintaining a certain narrative about Sansa - and when others point out her actual relationship with Arya in the books, we are accused of hating and wanting Sansa dead and how we should be criticizing Tywin and the Mountain instead. This is nonsensical whataboutism and ignores that people talk about  these aspects of the books because sometimes bullying, getting mocked for one’s appearance, abuse and neglect from parental figures etc. can resonate with certain readers unlike getting one’s head smashed in by Frankenstein.

At the end of the day, I wish these people would be honest about the characters they like and relate to. We are all biased. That’s why our opinions and interpretations are subjective. There’s nothing wrong in saying, hey, I like Sansa more than Arya or Dany, I relate to her character more.

I relate to Jon Snow a lot, I see things from his POV, I would disagree with the characters who disagree with Jon,  I enjoy his story at the Wall and the North. My interpretations of the text are therefore colored by my bias towards Jon. 

For others, it’s Dany or Sansa or Arya or Tyrion or Jaime. And that’s okay because these are fictional characters and liking one more than the other is not going to earn anyone woke points and lead to women’s rights.

And finally, there’s nothing edgy or cool about disparaging the central protagonists of a high fantasy series as being fantasy characters - go read other books if one is not into fantasy.

[bookofmirth]

Hi!

I hope i don't bother you with this long ask, but do you have any tips on how to become good at writing meta?

I like to read discourses/discussions in tumblr and learn from them but i still have trouble writing my opinions or even replying to arguments, english is not my first language but i read a lot of books and i don't have trouble understanding them i rarely come across a line that needs to be translated and so far it only happened with classics.

Someone suggested that i should always practice automating new vocabularies but i find myself forcing them alongside my childish writing and it turns out bad.

In other words, i don't have trouble when speaking, hearing or reading english but when it comes to writing i always get stuck.

Yes!!! I do!!!

Based on your writing in this ask, I don't think that your grammar or vocabulary would be an issue. Meta and analysis is much more reliant on critical thinking and being able to come up with questions that you can then investigate. tbh, anyone who would criticize your grammar instead of your actual thoughts isn't worth your time.

***I'm going to use a bunch of examples of fandom arguments or metas that I have seen, but I don't necessarily agree with them. I am just explaining how they work.

***One more thing, this is generally about developing and supporting arguments - analysis of a text is a separate though related thing and I have a post in my drafts about that. I will try to get that finished by the end of this week!

Make your argument clear. Complex grammar isn't necessary. All you need to do is make sure that you are using modifiers or hedging or contextualizing your claims. So for example, if I said "I think that characters will die in acotar5", that's super vague. What characters? Why? How? The conversation is dead before it starts. However, if I said "I think that Lady of Autumn will kill Beron in acotar5", that's put some parameters around my argument and now I have somewhere to start. I know what kind of evidence I will need. I know what characters I will need to consider. Also think about contextualizing, like "well if X happens, then this other thing is possible." Absolute statements (e.g. "Sarah has never written a logical magic system") will get you into trouble because they are easy to pick apart. Even if they are mostly true.

Have evidence! I always have the ebooks because they are easily searchable. You could also mark up your book, if you think you'll need that info a lot. I like to use colored tabs in my physical books, and sometimes I write notes in the margins. I got used to marking as I went when I was in university, noticing themes as I went along.

More on evidence: something that is just as important as having evidence is knowing how to use it. I see a lot of posts that are 20% writing, 80% screenshots from an ebook. NO. DO NOT DO THAT. Why? Because we've read the damn book. We know what it says. If I wanted to read the book again, I would read it again. That's not why I am on tumblr. The reason you are writing a post is because you have an argument. What is that argument? How are you interpreting that scene? What do you think is the meaning behind a piece of dialogue? Throwing a quote at your audience and hoping it sticks is not effective use of evidence. You've got to explain how and why you are using it.

Still related to evidence, is make sure that the evidence both means what you think it means, and that it supports the argument you think it supports. If you have evidence that is supposed to support one interpretation of the text as being more reliable than another (e.g. what a lot of the ship war arguments are doing right now), then you will need a lot of evidence that can be interpreted the same way. For example, I believe that Azriel has never truly been in love, and I have a collection of evidence that together supports that interpretation, even if on their own those quotes could be interpreted differently.

Think about the implications of your arguments. This means that if you say "Elain is sus", then you need to think about how her being sus would then impact the characters around her. How would that change the way we interpret her behavior? How is that related to what we currently know about her motivations and wants and needs and values? I went through this process in this post about whether or not she knows how the mating bond. I took someone else's argument, thought about who Elain is as a person, thought about the people closest to her, and what the implications of that argument are. We can't just say something like "Elain doesn't fit in with the Night Court" without then looking at her relationships and comparing them to other relationships, comparing her current relationships with her past behavior, etc. Basically what you're doing is testing the argument in different contexts and seeing if it still makes sense.

And yes, be respectful. People will misunderstand you. Sometimes unintentionally, sometimes just to be assholes. But we can't control their responses to us. Just on a basic level though, the moment someone feels attacked, they shut down. Conversation over. (The only exception to this is if the person is bullying, being racist, ableist, etc. Then fuck being respectful.)

Side note three, the stuff about evidence is one of the main things I teach my students and it's not an easy skill to master. It takes time.

Let me know if that helps! You do have to get into a rhythm and it takes a lot of practice. Like a lot a lot. But you can say things that are wrong and that's fine. If someone is rude to you in response, block them. The end!

[wickedpact]

A ranking of all the TTT stories in order of how much I liked them.

(Oh god this is so long)

1 My Mother's Axe

BABY ANDYYYYYYYYYYYY. Honestly this one had the trifecta of developing a character's motivations, developing a character's backstory, & developing their personality. The story starting out with Andy teaching Nile to use the axe was so charming and fun, and you could feel that chemistry they had in Opening Fire, the way they teased and bickered with each other so naturally. I loved the wedge between them on the subject of the axe, how Nile was perhaps a little too young to understand Andy's feelings about whether or not its the 'same' axe. I also love how the axe is obviously the symbol of the franchise and hugely important, but you never get a sense of exactly how important it is to Andy until you read the story.

I love the entire Ship of Theseus theme, and how it feels so natural that for Andy she has to get attached to the idea of things rather than the things themselves because she'll always outlive the things themselves-- the axe is symbolically her mom's axe, even if physically it isn't. And I love how she clearly clings to that concept so tightly. "This is the labrys she held in her hands...." IT GETS ME.

And the fact that this sense of BELONGING, of FAMILY, of CULTURE is so important to Andy that she clings to it (figuratively and literally) with both hands. And of course it's important to her, she spent so long alone that the woman doesn't even remember her birth name. That axe (or the idea of that axe) is all she has left of her mother and that family/culture she was born into.

PLUS on that note I love how Andy doesn't remember if her mom was her actual biological mother, but it doesn't matter to her. This woman was her mother in all the ways that counted. And how her mom BETRAYED AND KILLED Andy but Andy loved her so much that she avenged her and carried her axe for thousands of years. THOUSANDS OF YEARS!!!!!!

I also loved how the story transcends the timeline of the whole franchise and seeing Andy through the years. Loved seeing her with the varying squads and with varying axes. Also baby Andy was so cute. It was cool seeing her so young. like holy fuck. Andromache The Scythian, Immortal Warrior (but smol). Love that.

Also I think this one is one of the few ttt stories that doesn't suffer from length problems.

tldr: goddammit greg you've done it again.

2 Zanzibar and Other Harbors

Zanzibar my beloved. I've said before, but it's downright comedic how little regard there was for Joe and Nicky's character designs in this story. The same person who does the colors for the regular comic did the colors for this one too, and you can tell, every panel of this story was Beautiful.

Ik there was A Lot of criticism of this one (lmao @ how the fandom had no idea what was to come) but I thought a lot of The Discourse was a bit dramatic. I did think Nicky came off as a little oblivious to Joe's feelings in this story, but I've said before, I honestly think that was a 'tone not translating' thing. It felt like Nicky was nagging Joe for [checks notes] saving innocent people, but Joe was so amused by Nicky's complaints I really do think it was supposed to come off as teasing.

Plus I know the 'Joe running off into danger and Nicky reluctantly following' dynamic wasn't popular (I'm a pretty meh on it meself) but I did love how Joe's impulsiveness (if you want to call it that) was interpreted as heroism and not hot-hotheadedness. All of the examples Nicky and Joe talked about included Joe explicitly saving people. (and it also took A Lot for the nazi to actually provoke Joe).

I also feel like their characterization here was closest to the movie canon-- the bit where they hear the woman scream and Joe goes running in to save her while Nicky swoops in on Joe's heels to comfort her while Joe and the nazi were fighting reminds me of the train car scene. Joe had suggested First that they go find Nile because she needed to be protected, and Nicky later added that Nile probably also needed emotional support. Similar reactions.

But it was So Good, the themes of queer community and the enduring nature of queer culture are Not themes you see in media that often and it was such a delight how it was done. Also it's one of the few more modern TTT stories that has a completely valid excuse for taking place when it did. Chef's kiss.

3 Passchendaele

I love the Duality between seeing baby Andy and then seeing Mama Andy in the very next issue. This story doesn't have a ton of meat to it, but the entire concept of Andy adopting a war orphan straight off the battlefield PLUCKS MY TENDER LITTLE HEARTSTRINGS, and I think it's especially poignant for comic!Andy. I think most people wouldn't think twice about movie!Andy doing something like that but comic Andy is so hardened and almost cruel sometimes, and seeing that even for her the world hasn't beaten all of the compassion from her yet is SO!!!!!!! this woman contains MULTITUDES okay, she's violent and angry and tired and Done but she's also so kind and compassionate and THE STRENGTH OF HER!!!!! Also the idea of her and Yitzhak co-raising a kid together is so damn cute. It was #mysterious pre-Yitzhak-story but now it's cute. holy fuck. It's cute.

& the headbonk panel of her and Zeus lives in my heart. anyways.

4 Many Happy Returns

I Know people weren't thrilled about Booker being in this one, but I've developed a pet-peeve about that: this story was *not* booker-centric. Booker only exists in this story to the extent required to explain the importance of the gesture Nile makes towards him. If there was a story about Booker making some grand gesture of kindness to Nile no one would be saying it was Nile-centric. bc it wouldn't be! Booker exists in this story to explore Nile's kindness, its not about him. I saw that a couple times and it bothered me. anyways.

AAAAAAAAAA I loved this one, the art was beautiful, I loved how Andy Nile and Booker were drawn (like their comic selves but.. more looking like actual people). I loved Andy and Nile's Bants, how Andy wanted to jump right in and Do Violence but Nile was basically telling her to hold her horses.

I feel like I'm just repeating the post I made on this story a few days ago, but I LOVED how Nile's plan revolves not around violence or Cool Mercenary Skills but on Nile's own life skills (as she canonly did a lot of minimum wage job-hopping before the marines in comics canon). Her plan used her skills, not the skills of an immortal warrior, and HER SKILLS were in fact more useful for the situation! lov to see Nile's resourcefulness and planning skills.

AND HOW NILE WAS PROBABLY WATCHING BOOKER??? it's so Much bc 1.) nile knew booker A SINGLE DAY and yet he made such an impression on her emotionally that she had to keep an eye on him and 2.) she said in the movie she wanted Booker to get off free with an apology. Yes she's a member of the team but that doesn't mean she's necessarily going to follow orders like a good little soldier. I also love how she convinced Andy to go along with it. her HEART, her KINDNESS, her THOUGHTFULNESS, UGH.

5 The Bear

Honestly I have like no negative things to say about this one other than a.) character design issues which is less about the story itself and is more of a 'tog comic in general' criticism and b.) too short, but it was supposed to be a tease, so.

But I loved Yitzhak, I wasn't expecting to really like him at all but like I said in my other post, he tickled me. I love characters who are Kind™, especially if they have little reason to be so given their backgrounds. Chef's kiss. Lov him.

6 Bonsai Shokunin

I know this one was a little controversial bc of the outsider POV but whenever I see people upset about that they never point out that the Outsider Guy (the samurai) existed as a reflection on Noriko. His ideas are explained in the text to develop hers. The whole story follows how she gave mercy to a scared young man and in response he murdered Noriko, repeatedly! Who gave him the right to inflict such pain and suffering on the world? In his opinion, the lack of response from the gods was his permission. And for Noriko-- over and over again she dies and suffers because she gave mercy, which lines up with her ideas in FM about how it's their fate to rule mortals and if they don't align with that plan/fate/whatever then they suffer. It shows some background to those ideas and how they developed in her mind outside of Ocean Madness™. Additionally, his idea of 'the Gods have done nothing to strike me down so it's fine if I do these things' kind of explains how Noriko may justify her own morally corrupt actions-- she's died so many times and it's never stuck. Maybe if she did die any of those times, or while she was in the water, maybe that would've been a sign she was doing something right, or at least doing something normal. But she hasn't died. Fate isn't done with Noriko yet. And maybe there's a reason for that. In her mind, it's just not a very pleasant reason, is all.

There were things I was kind of meh about tho. I did kind of wish we saw something of Noriko and the team, or smth explaining the way she was before her dip in the pool-- personality, likes dislikes, etc. but it wasn't bad or anything. It was super vague tho, I had to read it a few times before I got what it was going for. Liked the art. Liked the bonsai metaphor. And of course I Respect the decision to use the 1300s (1200s? I don't remember off the top of my head) rather than using the last 200 years.

7 Strong Medicine

Honestly looking back, this one made me kind of sad because both this one and Bonsai Shokunin explored character's ideas on Fate and The Divine and how that intersects with immortality and I totally thought that theme would be continued, especially with Love Letters. But Then It Wasn't™.

Admittedly.... I had to re-read this one to remember most of it. I liked Booker's ideas on God, 'The conductor of the symphony just may not be very good at his trade' but the plot itself was kind of forgettable. Some fuckin cowboys try to kill a doctor (their second) because he couldn't save their sickly brother. Book tries to stop them, gets killed, and then comes back and kills them all before they get the doctor. Alright. I liked the artstyle because the characters were ugly in a similar way that leandro's are, but way more bearable.

I love the Irony of Booker concluding that there is no such thing as fate or destiny and nothing has meaning, AS HE UNKNOWINGLY SAVES MERRICK'S GRANDFATHER FROM BEING KILLED. Booker getting fucked over by life/god/destiny yet again. It also kind of explains about where the fuck hell Merrick's interest in immortal mercenaries even came from.

I originally had this one a lot higher and then I thought about it and moved it down like two spots.

8 Never Gets Old

I liked seeing Booker interact with his kid. And we got a name for the kid! Philippe was a little bitch though, he was a little obnoxious. I liked how Booker was so thrilled to experience a restaurant with his kid (and since we know he was there before, it can be assumed he went with all of his kids and yet he was so charmed each time). It fits with his line to Nicky in the moon landing story about how you don't appreciate beautiful things 'unless you have someone to share them with'. It was charming to see Booker interact with his kid, and to see him so happy. Also lmao @ Booker's big fat Ye Olde Crush on Andy.

However at the same time it was like.. of all the things to write about,,, I guess? Booker's Night Out...... alright. Especially since Book had so many stories.

I don't know, it was alright. The old man killing him really came out of nowhere, (but the 'Salut, asshole!' panel was funny tho).

9 How To Make a Ghost Town

I've hit a point where talking about these stories has gotten less fun. I liked this one but I felt like Achilles getting lynched was not really necessary for a story that was already tragic (a story that already involved Achilles doing a lot of suffering at the hand of bigots). When we first got the blurb for this story I thought it would be about Andy returning to the squad and making friends with Booker after losing Achilles and them butting heads on the idea of family and when to cut off ties. So a little bit of my underwhelmedness about this one might be just my expectations being different.

Honestly I was pretty interested in Andy and Achilles' relationship and I would've liked to see more of them-- like, what was their dynamic like? What did they love about each other?

But anyways Andy leaving and Achilles getting killed anyways feels so pointlessly tragic (which I suppose is the point..... I don't like tragedies) she left to save him and yet people killed him anyway. Meh.

I did love the bits about Andy wanting to have a domestic life (Andy and her multitudes again) and the little detail about how she buried her axe near the road but he buried his guns under his bed-- he was an escaped slave, he never had the luxury of assuredness like Andy did. It was a sad story.

10 Lacus Solitudinis

'You put this one above love letters crim??? how could you???' easy, lmao.

There was stuff in this one I liked. But to talk about stuff I didn't like: (I'll keep it brief, I know ragging on this story has been done time and time again)

UH, setting aside the 6 year cold shoulder between Joe and Nicky, I thought their chosen method of conflict resolution was... bad at best. Nicky's inability to talk about his feelings was also annoying, especially since the entire point of this story is a fight Joe and Nicky had, and yet we don't get both sides to the story, which is...... important? That fact is especially annoying bc in the absence of Nicky explaining his side of the story, it's absolutely a possible (and admittedly probably unintentional) interpretation of the text that we do get that Joe routinely resolves conflict between him and Nicky by simply cutting Nicky out of his life entirely until Nicky just. caves? Even if it takes years?

WHICH i could get into that interpretation and how fucked up i find it. but im not going to. out of restraint.

I don't know, I think there are a lot of interesting ways to go about this conflict but 'Nicky wants to kill a guy and Joe refuses to acknowledge his existence until he stops because he thinks Nicky is too much of a Good Boy to get his hands dirty like that' ('I wont watch as the world turns his (...) compassion into something ugly'. ) wasn't.. how I would've done it. (I mean you know Joe doesn't give a shit about what Nicky is doing in a moral way, because Joe doesn't even care or mention that Booker is killing those cops too. Joe only cares because he doesn't like the idea of Nicky changing in a way he finds undesirable.)

admittedly I've said before, I do like the emphasis Joe's reaction puts on Nicky's kindness. Joe has a complete inability to cope with Nicky simply Not Being Kind. It speaks to the steadiness of Nicky's compassion all those years. but still that fact doesn't make it the conflict feel worth it

hm. I said I would be brief and I wasn't.

oh well. basically I thought there was interesting conflict potential there but it wasn't done the way I would've liked, and the way it was done leaves a lot of disturbing (and again probably unintended) interpretations to lie.

What I did like? Andy and Joe having that pessimist/optimist dynamic. Joe nerding out about science. Andy not being impressed by The Achievements Of Man. I loved Booker needling at Nicky about his outdated slang and also trying to give him Older Brother advice practically in the same breath. I loved Booker giving The Worst relationship advice ever and Nicky being like 'I Will Not Do That, Ever, Thanks.' the family vibes were so good. The Joenicky vibes left a lot to be desired tho.

11 Love Letters

I talked about my problems with Nicky in this story (and Lacus Solitudinis). I don't know, the story isn't bad but I do hold a little bit of a grudge towards it because its very existence begs the existence of a solo Joe story and we didn't get one. If we never got this story, then we could happily count Lacus Solitudinis and Zanzibar as The Joenicky Stories™ and move on with our lives. sigh.

I remember when we first got the blurb for this story I was really curious about why Nicky specifically + the setting, and the answer kind of feels like 'the author had an idea for a story like this and saw ttt as a good enough place to utilize that idea'. Plus I was really underwhelmed by the Romantic Sentiment in the letter. If you look at it line-by-line, the majority of the letter is actually Nicky talking about how lonely and disturbed he is, rather than actual,, yknow,,, Romantic Sentiment. I mean, compare the van speech and this letter and this letter is just kind of meh in comparison. I liked nicky calling joe wise! and I liked the brief sun/moon metaphor! and otherwise it was eh. It didn't even have cute squad banter, which is why Lacus Solitudinis is above this one.

12 An Old Soul

Nun orgy. Nun orgy?????? Nun orgy.......

The whole story felt like a setup to have a nun orgy. Why did Booker have abs? Why did they do that to Andy's nose? ?????? the art was good at least.

nun orgy.

[waywardwrestlewritingwaif]

Raise the Stakes, part 14

Aaaaaaannnnnnd we're done! I literally decided on this ending today and I'm posting it before I start to get THE DOUBTS. I hope you enjoy it and thank you so, so, so much to everyone who's liked/ commented/ messaged along the way.

There's mention in here of an interview that did actually happen a couple of days ago and what's included is pretty much what I've read online. That said, I've embellished some for the purpose of the story, so I'm not claiming to know anything.

Previous sections are on the Master List.

Pairing: David Finlay x OFC x Jay White

Word count: 2,767

Content advisory: other than the usual language, nothing really. Should I be cautioning people about angstiness? Because there's angst.

Thought you should see this.

The toneless message with its link is ruining your day. You can’t stop looking at it, but you don’t want to open the link again because you don’t want David to see it. Not that you have any reason to feel guilty. If anything, he’s the one who has some explaining to do but he also has the biggest match of his life tonight, the one where he can finally put the years of tension and rivalry with Jay behind him. You want to be supportive but you also want some answers.

It can wait, you tell yourself for the hundredth time. You’ll talk about it tomorrow. Or next week. All the time in the world. At least, that’s what you hope.

The whole day, the two of you are together but you have to keep a little bit of distance. Don’t want to get distracted and he has to conserve all the energy he can. Doesn’t stop you from touching each other, of course, but even when you do, it feels like you’re still at a distance. He’s trying not to think about anything except tonight. Or maybe it just looks that way. Maybe he’s thinking about his future beyond tonight, when he moves on. It would be nice to know if he wanted you to move on with him but he’s not letting you in on his plans. Hell, if it were up to him, you wouldn’t even know that there were plans.

You’d expected Jay to have some sort of mocking comments. How come the boyfriend you’re so in love with is giving interviews talking about signing with another company, moving to another state, changing everything about his life, and you don’t know anything about it? How Jay had looked at that interview and immediately known that you weren’t aware of it is beyond you. It’s unnerving sometimes, his ability to figure things out when it comes to you. You suppose it’s one of the reasons he’s always been able to get under your skin and make you do what he wants.

But aside from the initial message, he doesn’t say anything. You think that maybe it was a ploy to see if you’d confront David and start a fight before their match, because that’s exactly the kind of ugly trick Jay loves. When you arrive at the venue, though, you see him getting out of a car at the same time. He doesn’t look scornful, doesn’t shout something insulting, doesn’t strut like a damn peacock in mating season, nothing that you would normally expect from him. He looks straight at you and doesn’t smirk or sneer. On anyone other than Jay White, the look might be interpreted as concern.

Technically, you’re supposed to be there for all the performers but at this point, there’s very little left for you to do. It’s all on them now and if everything turns out to be a garbage fire, it won’t be because of any failings on your part. So you do your rounds to make sure everyone has what they need, knows their cues, gets any questions answered. But you always circle back to where David is and stay for as long as you can before your nerves get the better of you.

And then there’s the one person you should check on, but don’t. You aren’t completely derelict. You check with the people he has around him, you even lower yourself to telling Chris Bey that he can text you if his majesty needs anything. Strangely, you don’t hear anything. You text Jay once to say that you’re available to help. You keep it professional and don’t mention anything about the link he sent earlier, so you’re expecting him to needle you about it, or at least act like you’re useless because you aren’t spending your entire day catering to him. Nothing. You’re almost tempted to go check to make sure he’s not sick because one thing Jay White has never been is one to stay quiet when something is bothering him. Maybe he feels sorry for you, in which case you’d rather he yelled.

You enjoy as much of the show as you can but you spend the last minutes before his match with David, largely quiet, just holding each other’s hands. You walk as far as you can with him and, as his music hits, squeeze his hand extra tight. He turns and gives you a soft, quick kiss before leaning back and doing it again, deeper.

“I love you,” he says, cupping your face in his hand.

“I love you too.”

He sounds like he’s trying to convince himself of something. You sound like you’re calling after a train that’s already left the station.

Against your better judgment, you stay where you are. Jay arrives, already acting his part, hands tapping idly on the belt that, in theory, is the reason they’re fighting. You stare at him waiting for him to acknowledge you but there’s nothing. His music swells and he heads out like you’re not even there.

“Just like old times,” you mutter to yourself.

And still.

You watch from backstage as Jay holds his belt up, grinning and preening like he never had a moment’s doubt. You know him well enough to know that’s not true. He keeps cutting looks back at David as if he’s expecting to have to defend himself again, as if he doesn’t believe that he’s truly vanquished him.

The audience doesn’t share his insecurity, cheering him on like he was the hero and David the villain. He’s obnoxious and self-centred but they love him anyway. It makes you feel a little less stupid for the years you’d spent doing the same.

A couple of assistants help David backstage, holding ice to his neck and making sure he doesn’t collapse on the way to the locker room. He looks angry, sullen, and bitter, but not injured, which is a relief. You turn away from the scene in the ring and follow him back to his dressing room, taking over from the dojo students on ice duty when you get there. You don’t speak. You figure it’s better to let him decide when he’s ready.

You’d love to, of course, because despite the fact that you don’t want to make his night worse, it’s becoming unbearable to keep everything inside.

“Where does it hurt?” you ask quietly, picking up a new cold pack.

“Everywhere,” he mumbles.

You hold the ice against his lower back, remembering the awful hit he’d taken on the ring apron.

“You looked great out there.”

“Didn’t feel so great.” He gives you a little smile. “Onward and upward, right?”

“Or southward?” You don’t even mean to say it out loud because this is absolutely not the time to bring it up and certainly not in this passive aggressive way.

“Southward?” He raises his eyebrows like he doesn’t know what you’re talking about but you can see immediately that he does.

“Nothing, it’s ok.”

He sighs. “What’s southward?”

“Do you need another ice pack?”

“Uh oh, sounds like someone’s been reading the dirt sheets.”

“Just making a joke.” You wish you hadn’t brought this up because now you have to try to cram it back into its hiding space in your brain. And you have to suppress the fact that you’re actually kind of angry.

He watches you, trying to gage your state of mind. “Shouldn’t listen to idle gossip.”

That hits like a slap across the face.

“It’s not gossip, David. You did an interview with Wrestling Observer. If people are speculating or have questions, it’s because of what you said yourself.”

“It’s just talking. I didn’t confirm anything.”

He seems a little proud of this, like he’s very clever for getting people talking about what they don’t know. He doesn’t seem to have an issue with the fact that you’re one of those people.

“It’s all there, though,” you murmur. “Talking about how much you want to work in the States, that you want to try somewhere new, that you’re moving to Florida. You’re going to NXT, right?”

He shrugs and avoids your eyes.

“Were you ever going to tell me about any of this or did you figure I’d be able to piece together where you’d gone from news clippings and Reddit posts?”

“Of course I was going to talk to you. Nothing’s final yet.”

“So you were waiting until you bought a house in Florida and signed a contract with another company? Then what? You’d wake me up one morning and just say ‘bye babe, I’ll be living in another state from now on?’”

“The opportunity came up. This,” he gestures to the two of you, “is still really new. I didn’t want to introduce all these complications.”

“David, I’m not some girl you picked up in a bar. We’ve known each other for years. You’ve talked to me before about your contract renewals. Seems like you could have told me something.”

“I was going to tell you something. When I had a better idea of what I wanted to do.”

“You told a journalist, a ‘dirt sheet’ in your own words, that you’re in the process of moving to Florida. That seems like you have a pretty clear idea.”

“Ok, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to find out. You don’t even read that stuff normally.”

“You’re aware people are talking about this on social media, right?”

He grunts but doesn’t say anything more. It’s infuriating. He looks resentful that he has to explain himself, like he didn’t think this was going to be an issue for you. Finally, he meets your eyes, guilt very clearly evident now.

“I don’t know why I didn’t say anything. I’m an idiot, I could have figured out that you’d see something, or that someone would tell you.”

“It is my job to know stuff like this, all other considerations aside.”

“Believe me, I did not want you getting this from some random dweeb on Twitter.”

“I wish it had been a random dweeb on Twitter.”

He looks surprised and then it’s like part of him collapses when he realizes what you mean.

“Got up this morning to a one line text and a link to the article from our old pal. You know, making sure I’m not out of the loop.”

“Asshole.”

“In this case no. Somehow, you managed to cede the high moral ground to a man whose morals are generally nonexistent.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Well, this is hardly the ideal moment to have this conversation, but I want to know if and how you see me fitting into this new life you’re going to have.”

He shrugs a little. “How do you want to fit in?”

The realization hits you hard. “You don’t think this is going to last, do you? You didn’t think I was serious.”

“Wanting is a lot easier than having.”

“Maybe for you.”

“No, that’s not what I meant, it’s just that I… You’re right. I didn’t think I needed to consider you. It wasn’t part of my decision-making process.”

“You’ve been setting this up for weeks. All this has come together at the same time you’ve been with me almost every day. If I wasn’t part of your process, that was the decision right there.”

The two of you stare each other down but there seems to be nothing left to say.

Eventually, you rise to your feet and stammer, “I’m just going to… I need to take a walk or something.”

You wander around the place, watching the crew rushing to pack up. Eventually, you find yourself outside, where the ring still stands, bathed in the glow of the safety lights. It seems forlorn in front of the empty seats but there is still a kind of magic about it. That’s what draws people to this business, you suppose, the feeling of magic.

Since no one else is around, you climb up and through the ropes, kicking off your shoes. You’ve been in one before, but always just to set it up or break it down. You’ve never had an in-ring moment. And there’s a reason for that, which is that you can barely wrestle your way out of your winter coat. But as long as you’re here and you need to do something to take your mind off the sensation that your chest is about to rip.

You run, or jog, from one side to the other, bouncing off the ropes as you do, the way you’ve watched dozens of men doing for years. Although you know the “ropes” are actually steel cables with a plastic coating and you’ve handled them before, it surprises you how much it hurts when you hit them too hard. It’s not the worst pain you have right now.

You pick up speed a little and then practice letting yourself “bump”, a fancy way of saying fall flat on your back. Each time, you knock the wind out of yourself a little but you get right back up and continue your running. Finally, you have enough momentum that you’re able to just roll yourself into a somersault, and sure, it’s not the most perfectly executed thing, but you keep your body straight and you pop right back up. Just like a pro.

“Ta-da!” you say to yourself.

That’s when the tears come. It’s not falling to pieces, but the stew of emotions inside you just starts to leak out. What the hell do you do now?

There are some footsteps behind you, echoing a little in the empty arena, and you see a man’s approaching shadow loom behind you, pushing his long hair back from his face as he crouches down. So you’re not startled when a thick pair of arms wraps around you and you feel his face pressed against your neck.

“Come home.”

You give an unhappy laugh. “Home is kind of a weird concept right now, Jay.”

“You’re always home for me. I guess I was hoping you felt the same way.”

You snap your head to look at him, pulling back enough so that you can focus on his eyes. In all the time you’ve known him, you don’t think he’s ever looked as calm as he does in this moment.

“Congratulations on your win.”

“Yeah, I get to be a target for a while longer.”

“Stop pretending you don’t love it.”

“Sure, I love it. It’s nice. There are other things I love more.” He runs his fingers over your cheeks, cleaning away the remains of your tears. “I’m sorry about sending you that story earlier.”

“All the shit you’ve pulled over the years and that’s the thing you apologize for?”

“Oh I meant I’m sorry that I had to be the one to send it. I don’t want you to shoot the messenger or anything.”

“If I haven’t shot you by now, I think you’re safe.”

He laughs and pulls you back against his chest, kissing down your cheek and neck. Then he stands, pulling you right up with him and letting his lips trail over the crown of your head.

“Come on.” he whispers, taking your hand.

“Wait, I need my shoes.”

You dart over to pick them up and he’s right there to help you into them and to lead you through the ropes and down the stairs. That’s when he plants his lips on yours, firmly, so that you can feel it in your knees.

“I need to go get my suitcase inside.”

“Do you always carry everything with you wherever you go?”

“I’m headed straight to the airport from here. Catching a red eye back.”

“Skip it. Leave tomorrow.”

“Just like that?”

“Sure. I have a really nice room.”

“I know you do, I booked it.”

“Always taking care of me, aren’t you?”

“Oh wow, he noticed.”

He kisses you again, a little longer, digging his fingers into your back, and your body melts against him of its own volition.

“I’m not coming back if everything is just going to go back to the way it was, Jay.”

“I didn’t come running after you because you’re good at managing my schedule.”

You give him a sceptical look but you can't entirely keep from smiling.

“Look at me,” he grins, “I’m a god. Any woman would want me and you have me. You should feel like you won the lottery.”

“Yeah,” you drawl, letting him wrap an arm around you as you walk away together, “I won.”