#read it if.... nautical nonsense be something you wish

[bluebird167]

The Little Mermaid AU.

This was actually a rough draft of Heart’s Content which was a straightforward re-telling of the Disney film but I decided to scrap it and try for something more original. Still I wondered what you all would think of it, so I re-read and re-edited it to fit with the new cannon and well..Here it is.

In a kingdom located in Denmark, Prince Alastor prefers to spend his days sailing and exploring rather than at court, despite his advisor Husk insisting that he should focus more on honoring the wishes of his deceased parents by settling down with a nice young lady and starting a family. One day while sailing over seas he hears a beautiful voice singing from fathoms below and commands it to be followed. No one else can hear the voice though but one sailor suggests that what the prince heard may have been a mermaid, specifically Lucifer's daughter for it is said that no one on land or in the sea has a voice as lovely as hers. The sailors then proceed to tell Alastor about King Lucifer who rules over the ocean and the mer-people, and how there was a time long ago when mer-people could be seen rising to the surface but then suddenly, they stopped coming. That the sea king had forbidden them from ever rising to the shore again after he lost his queen. Alastor is intrigued by these stories but Husk just brushes them off as nautical nonsense.

Meanwhile, deep on the ocean floor in the merfolk kingdom, King Lucifer and his brothers and sister in-laws Baron Belphegor, Lady Seras, and Lord Stolas are celebrating the anniversary of their nation's founding by having each of their daughters sing in a concert for their people. The concert is conducted by Lucifer's advisor and court composer, the sea-imp Moxxie and Belphegor's daughter Bee, Seras's daughter Emily, and Stolas's daughter Octavia perform magnificently but Lucifer's daughter is not present for her solo bringing the concert to a halt and enraging Lucifer.

As it turns out, Lucifer's daughter Charlie had forgotten about the concert because she is a mermaid who dreams of life on the land and spends most of her time swimming around the surface, collecting human items that occasionally fall from ships, and trying to learn about the humans. Unfortunately her people do not care for the surface or humans, and often look down on her and mock her for her interests. Calling her “odd”. The only ones who support her are her friends Vaggie who doesn't quite understand her fascination but wants her to be happy, and Blitzo a land-imp who gives her information about the human objects she finds. Or rather information that he's concocted in his own head. As he's telling her that a fork she found is used for combing one's hair and that a pipe she found is used for music, she suddenly remembers the concert and hurries home.

Elsewhere, Adam the sea-wizard and his loyal follower Lute are plotting revenge against Lucifer for banishing them and transforming Adam from a handsome merman to a hideous cecaelia. When Adam notices how head-strong and rebellious Charlie is, like her late mother, he suspects that she may be the key to Lucifer's undoing and tells Lute to keep an eye on her.

When Charlie returns home her father reprimands her for missing the concert and going to the surface, reminding Charlie that humans killed her mother Lilith years ago. Charlie then protests that the humans who killed her were pirates and that she believes that not all humans were like them. However Lucifer is xenophobic toward humans, viewing them as nothing more than savages. He forbids Charlie from ever going to the surface again and she leaves distraught. Lucifer then assigns Moxxie to watch over Charlie and keep her out of trouble, much to the sea-imp's dismay.

Moxxie follows Charlie and Vaggie to a secret grotto where she keeps her collection of human objects. Vaggie comforts Charlie and asks why she's so interested in the surface world anyway. The sea princess then responds that she gets it from her mother and that Queen Lilith always believed that the humans and the merfolk could live together in harmony if they tried to understand each other, so she would visit the surface as often as she could and then tell her daughter about her adventures. Charlie also reveals that her father once supported her mother's dream and even had a special music box made for her to show his support but that was lost along with her mother's life. Charlie then confesses that she secretly wishes to live in the surface world and have her own adventures, and wonders if maybe the humans would be more accepting of her "odd" nature than the merfolk are.

Moxxie is horrified by this discovery and makes his presence known. Charlie quickly pleads with Moxxie not to tell Lucifer about her collection or her secret wish. Moxxie promises not to but tries to convince Charlie to forget her strange hobbies and focus more on music and her singing. The conversation is interrupted when Charlie sees a ship floating overhead and curiously, swims up to investigate. She swims closer to the ship and spies on the sailors aboard who are celebrating Alastor's birthday. She watches the young man play the flute and dance with his cat Kee Kee and the crew, further intriguing her. During the party, the prime minister Zestial tells the prince that he must find a bride and take up his father's crown, then tells him that he is planning to arrange a marriage for him and the duchess Verosicka. Alastor and Husk both protest, insisting that both his father and mother would have wanted him to marry for love. Zestial counter-argues that despite that, the prince doesn't have anyone to love. Alastor tells them that the woman he falls in love with will be someone who's different. Someone who's "odd". Hearing this, Charlie is instantly smitten.

A storm suddenly hits and when the crew cannot steer the ship to safety, Alastor risks his life to get everyone on board including Kee Kee over to the lifeboats, choosing to be the last one to get off. Just as it's his turn, lighting strikes and the ship breaks apart. Alastor is tossed overboard and knocked unconscious. Charlie saves him from drowning and drags him to the shore. The storm ends by morning and Charlie checks to see if Alastor is still alive. When she sees that he is, she sings to him. Alastor begins to stir and the two fall in love.

Alastor dazedly begs Charlie to stay but she is forced to leave when she hears Husk coming. However Charlie vows to find a way to be with him and Alastor vows to find the woman who saved him. All of which is witnessed by Lute and as Adam spies on them through her eyes, he boasts on how he can use these star-crossed lovers to his advantage and that the reason for his transformation and banishment was that years ago, he and Lilith had been arranged to marry but she fell in love with Lucifer, choosing to marry him instead. Out of jealousy and revenge, he arranged for Lucifer to be killed by pirates but Lilith pushed her husband out of the way, taking the killing blow for him. He then remarks that Lucifer’s lovely little princess would make a charming bride.

After Charlie returns home, her behavior makes her father and her cousins Bee, Emily, and Octavia suspect that she has fallen in love. Moxxie tries to convince her that the sea is where she belongs and points out all the wonders of it, but she only dismisses his words and swims off. On land, Alastor is pressured into a dinner with the duchess Verosicka but he quickly realizes that she’s a vain woman only wants to marry him to become queen and rejects her advances. This upsets Zestial who believes in marriage for convenience but Husk proposes a compromise, that they give Alastor some time to fall in love and find a woman to marry before betrothing him to the duchess. Alastor reluctantly accepts but reveals that he’s in love with the one who saved him and wants to marry her but the only clue he has to find her is her beautiful voice and eyes.

At first Lucifer is pleased with the idea that Charlie has found love and asks Moxxie who the lucky “merman” is? Unfortunately Moxxie accidentally reveals that Charlie saved a human and that he is the one she is in love with. Lucifer is furious and forces Moxxie to take him to Charlie's grotto. There Vaggie has surprised Charlie with a small, marble statue of the prince that she found on the ocean floor and the princess gleefully starts to talk about how she'll sneak away to the surface to visit the prince. But Lucifer appears at the grotto and is enraged by her plans. Charlie tries to explain but Lucifer refuses to listen and destroys her collection of artifacts in a misguided attempt to protect her. Charlie swims away to cry and Lucifer is left feeling guilty for his actions but convinced that it was for her own good.

Once alone, Lute approaches Charlie and tells her that Adam has great power which he uses to help others achieve their greatest desires, and that she was once a land creature who dreamed of life in the sea and Adam made that dream real. Charlie knows nothing of Adam or of his past with her parents, and she's so devastated by her father's actions and feels so alone in her own world, that she agrees to go see him. Moxxie and Vaggie spot Charlie with Lute and follow them to Adam's lair. When Moxxie realizes who Charlie is about to meet, he rushes to warn her but Lute silences him and Vaggie.

Adam tells Charlie that the only way to be with Alastor is to become human and he offers to turn her into one for a month and if she can win Alastor's love and receive a true love's kiss from him before the sun sets on the final day, she will remain human forever. But if he doesn't then she'll turn back into a mermaid and be Adam's prisoner. He also demands that Charlie give him her voice as payment for the potion. At first Charlie is hesitate to accept, unsure if she can leave her father, family, and friends forever or give up her voice as it is her last connection to her mother. But Adam manipulates her by saying that she never really belonged in the sea to begin with and no one down below will ever truly accept her. And he convinces her that giving up her voice will be no great loss because she'll be the most beautiful human woman anyone has ever seen and that she will dance more gracefully than any other. In the end Charlie accepts the deal, Adam then takes her voice and locks it away in a nautilus shell, and gives her a potion that turns her tail into legs. Vaggie and Moxxie quickly get her to the surface before she can drown.

They meet Blitzo by the shore and Charlie is thrilled at finally becoming a human while Moxxie is mortified and almost goes to tell Lucifer what happened. But Vaggie and a now silent Charlie persuade him to instead help them as this is the only chance Charlie has at being truly happy. Blitzo finds some discarded rags and cloth to cover Charlie’s body with, just as she’s found on the beach by Alastor. He doesn’t think she’s the one who saved him due to her no longer having a voice but something about her beautiful eyes draw him to her so he decides to take her to the palace, inviting her to stay as his guest.

Inside, Rosie the headmistress of staff and Niffty the maid, take care of Charlie and see that she is treated like royalty. Giving her a suite and baths, dressing her in gowns of silk and muslin, weaving pearls into her hair, all the while Charlie is fascinated by the new world around her. In the evening, a banquet and ball is held in hopes that Alastor will choose a bride but none of the young ladies attending interest him.

When Charlie enters the room, Alastor is astonished by her beauty and invites her to sit with him and Husk at the banquet table. Charlie attempts to impress him by brushing her hair with a fork and blowing Husk’s pipe like it’s an instrument. All the guests laugh at her but Alastor finds her “odd” behavior charming and smiles at her.

Moxxie and Blitzo sneak into the palace to keep an eye on Charlie but the royal Chef Pentious mistakes them for being crabs and tries to cook them for dinner. They retaliate, leading to a brawl that disrupts the meal but luckily Blitzo escapes out the window while Charlie hides Moxxie in her room. After dinner Alastor teaches Charlie to dance and despite her clumsiness, she still moves with grace and charms him even further with her eloquent eyes. As Husk, Rosie, and Niffty watch them dance, they are pleased to see the prince so happy and suspect that love is in the air.

The next day, Alastor takes Charlie on a tour of the kingdom, going to shops and stands, introducing her to his neighbors and good friends, and he is further impressed with how she responds to everything with such an innocent and playful fascination. They end the day with a picnic on the beach which Charlie enjoys but as she watches the tide, she starts to become homesick and dips her feet in the water. Alastor notices that she's sad and understands that she misses her family. He comforts her and opens up to her about how he lost his parents and misses them. To cheer her up, he gives her a present, one of the many artifacts that his father brought back from his days as an explorer and to Charlie's wonder and joy, the gift is her mother's music box. She embraces him and they almost kiss but Alastor backs out, still longing for the "one" who saved him.

As Adam continues to spy on Charlie, he starts to become anxious. He tells Lute that he gave Charlie a month to win Alastor's heart because he knows that the prince is expected to marry another woman by the month's end and is sure that humans never break an arranged marriage. Still, he sends Lute upward to make absolutely certain that the kiss doesn't happen.

As the weeks pass, Alastor and Charlie grow closer. They go horseback riding, they climb mountain tops, he takes her sailing, and she listens to him whenever he talks about how he doesn't want to be king and that he's not sure he will be as good at running a kingdom as his parents were. Not one day goes by where they are not together yet Alastor still does not even make an attempt to kiss her. But while she spends her days with Alastor, Charlie spends her nights dipping her feet in the ocean and visiting with Vaggie who misses her terribly but is glad that she's happy. One night as Charlie comes back from the beach, she over hears Zestial and Husk arguing about Alastor's betrothal to Verosicka and she fears that he may love another. Rosie and Niffty figure this out and comfort Charlie, assuring her that Alastor does not like Verosicka at all and that they truly believe that if he ever married anyone, it'll be her. Meanwhile, Lucifer and his family have been searching the entire ocean for Charlie and Moxxie the remorseful sea king breaks down to his brother in-law Stolas about how he knows Charlie and Moxxie's disappearances are his fault and that he failed them and Lilith. Stolas however assures him that Charlie and Moxxie will be found and that his sister knows how much he loves and tries. Still Lucifer cannot help but constantly say "What have I done? What have I done?"

On the day before the last day of the month, Alastor takes Charlie on a romantic boat ride in a lagoon. A secret spot where his father used to take his mother and he tells her how his father met his mother while exploring the middle east and how different she was from all the other woman he had met before. That she was "odd" just like how his father was "odd" and they fell so much in love that no matter what they faced, no matter what stood in their way, they would always find each other. He then confesses that he wants a love like that and that is why he cannot consent to an arranged marriage. He also confesses that he considers himself "odd" and that he thinks Charlie is wonderful because she's "odd" too. Moxxie takes advantage of the moment by working with Bltizo to create a romantic atmosphere and again they almost kiss, but Lute ruins the moment by tipping the boat over.

Furious at Charlie's close success, Adam decides to take matters into his own tentacles but going up to the surface and appears to a jealous Verosicka, who is sulking over the fact that the prince would prefer a “little mute" over herself. Adam offers Versoicka a solution and gives her specific instructions to follow. That night, Husk suggests to Alastor that "Far better than any dream girl is one of flesh and blood, one warm and caring, and right before your eyes." Alastor takes this advice to heart and realizes that he's fallen in love with Charlie. He decides to forget his dream girl and marry Charlie instead but before he can tell her how he feels, he is approached by Versoicka who is now wearing the nautilus shell containing Charlie's voice around her neck. She uses the voice to bewitch Alastor to forget all about Charlie and marry the "one with the voice."

The next morning Charlie learns that Alastor has decided to marry Verosicka today, much to the joy of Zestial and the confusion of Husk, Rosie, and Niffty. Charlie tries to get Alastor's attention but Versoicka does everything in her power to keep him from seeing her, and when the staff questions him about Charlie, he claims not know such a woman. Heartbroken, Charlie runs off in tears, sobbing by the shore as the wedding ship departs. But Blitzo suspects that something is up and decides to do a little snooping. He spies on Verosicka and sees her conversing with Adam through a mirror, in which they reveal that they've been using Charlie's voice to keep Alastor in a trance and that Verosicka must not let Alastor see his true love or the spell may weaken. Blitzo quickly warns his friends and they devise a plan, Vaggie will take Charlie to the wedding ship, Moxxie will get Lucifer, and Blitzo will stall the wedding.

Blitzo enlists sea animals and Kee Kee to help him and together they disrupt the wedding and attack Verosicka. Vaggie and Charlie get closer to the ship but Lute turns herself into a shark and attacks them. Vaggie fights her, giving Charlie a chance to climb aboard. Alastor finally sees her, bedraggled and on the verge of collapsing, he starts to remember her and rushes to embrace her. Veroscika attempts to strengthen the spell over him but Blitzo rips the nautilus shell from her neck and breaks it at Charlie's feet. Charlie's voice is restored to her and Alastor realizes that she's the one. Tragically, just before their lips can touch, the sunsets and Charlie turns back into a mermaid. It's too late and Adam takes Charlie away, but Alastor is determined not to lose her again.

Lucifer confronts Adam and agrees to take his daughter's place and give him his trident, in exchange for her freedom. Adam agrees, he claims the trident for himself and turns Lucifer into a sea worm to Moxxie's and Charlie's horror. Charlie attempts to take the trident back to save her father but Adam restrains her. Alastor, having found them, shoots a harpoon at Adam to defend her and Lute responds by trying to drown him. Vaggie and Moxxie defend him and Adam attempts to kill all three of them with the trident but Charlie intervenes, causing the blast to hit and kill Lute instead.

Alastor and Charlie reunite at the surface and she urges him to get away for his safety but he refuses to leave her. The couple is suddenly pursued by an enraged Adam who controls the waters to bring them to him. He takes Charlie hostage and starts trying to drown Alastor, all the while taunting him about how once he's dead, he'll takeover not only Charlie's kingdom but Alastor's as well, enslaving both of their people, and pushing the final button by declaring that he'll make Charlie his replacement bride for Lilith. Furious, Alastor reaches for the harpoon he threw earlier and stabs Adam in the chest. In pain, he drops both them and the trident, and the couple use the trident to destroy Adam.

Afterward, Alastor and Charlie swim to the shore where he proclaims his love for her and they share true love's kiss. But then Charlie tells him that although she loves him too, they belong in different worlds and that they can never be together. Alastor pleads with her not to leave him, that they can surely find a way but she tearfully insists that there is no such way. She returns to the sea and is overjoyed to see her father restored to his true form, they embrace, and both apologize for the mistakes they've made. Charlie agrees to go home but asks to have one last look at Alastor first and Lucifer consents. Seeing the way Charlie looks at Alastor and the way he looked at her, reminds Lucifer of how he used to look at Lilith and recalls that Alastor had risked his life to save his daughter just as Lilith had given her life for her husband. Realizing that he was wrong and that he wants Charlie to be happy, Lucifer decides to change Charlie into a human for good, she runs into Alastor's arms, they kiss, and at some point marry, finally uniting humans and merfolk just as Lilith always wanted.

[gallifreyanlibertea]

Nautical Nonsense (1/?)

a/n: this started off as a really silly SpongeBob AU I had in mind about a year or so ago. I hope to god this doesn’t mean I’m writing second-hand SpongeBob fanfiction but yeah, I... yeah. It’s not meant to be serious, and it’s just, if anything, personal indulgence. 

Each chapter’s title will reference the episode that inspired it, in case you wanna watch it and catch any references :)

Help Wanted

His morning alarm was a foghorn. A bold, bellowing, yet somehow strangely noble sound, which yes, was quite literally a foghorn.

Alfred Jones didn’t understand what made the noise so appealing. Was it the childhood he spent living by the sea? With the faint noise of ships and the crashing of waves against the shore lulling him to bed? A life by the coast with the smell of salt in the air, the taste of it on his lips after wading into the afternoon tide, the dreadfully parched state it left his hair?

Whatever it was, it sure as heck woke him up.

But no, today wasn’t the day to hit snooze and steal himself more time. He found himself springing out of the warmth of his sheets, padding off into the bathroom with a willpower not many people had so early in the morning.

“Today’s the big day, Gary!”

(Gary responded with a drowsy mew before letting his head flop back into the bedsheets.)

Yes, today was a big day indeed.

The getting-ready bit was easy. A quick shower and an adequate amount of teeth-brushing later, he was slipping into relatively-formal clothes and heading out the door, stopping to lift his weights for a bit because he had to be in top physical condition today, truly.

The real problem lied in the nerves that hit after he stepped out onto the welcome mat. What was otherwise a beautiful day, with cotton-candy clouds and skies so blue they warranted ukulele music to fit the mood, seemed crushingly large. Everything seemed so full of expectation to Alfred, who, to face the facts, wasn’t quite ready to be an adult.

And if anything, today, the big day, required of him to be an adult.

“I’m ready.” A chant under his breath, following his inhale and his exhale as he walked down the street with a bounce in his step, face set in determined stone when he was, in fact, not very ready.

And despite the “you got this!” text from Gilbert, a friend who wasn’t known for being awake in these early hours, Alfred still felt the heavy dread in the pit of his stomach.

He was applying for a job in what was easily the finest eating establishment ever established for eating.

He was applying to work at what stood right before him, in all its glory: The Krusty Krab.

Sure, it was a kitsch eatery themed in a way many others were, especially seeing as it was located in a seaside town like theirs, but oh. Their burgers, their fries, heck, even the soda anyone drank within the four walls of the restaurant was made ten times better.

Alfred wanted so desperately to work there.

“Oh god, I’m not ready.” Were the last words he murmured before shoving through the glass doors because he knew. Gilbert would slap him left and right if he gave up this opportunity.

(Unknowing to Alfred, of course, an existing employee had already begun to mourn his sanity at the sight of Alfred’s arrival. A certain neighbour of Alfred’s who thought work was the only place he could escape that loud, loud manchild.)

“Uh, Mr. Kirkland!”

Alfred seemed plenty oblivious to the audible groan from the cash register, where a dejected Roderich Edelstein buried his face into his palms.

He instead kept his eyes trained on the Mr. Kirkland mentioned, who stood staring at him with scraggly brows raised.

“Hi, I’m Alfred, I-”

Alfred liked to watch action movies. Especially the ones with the overdone special effects, where a flying kick could be slowed down so it seemed like years before the foot hit the enemy’s head.

Well, right now was something similar.

His view of Mr. Kirkland, along with Roderich who now seemed to be peering over the register, jerked like in the films, slowly shifting until it was way above him and he, a bit winded, had fallen to the ground.

Oh heck.

The red flooding to his cheeks came as fast as he’d scrambled to stand up, brushing off his clothes with a sheepish smile as Mr. Kirkland’s brows shot up impossibly high.

“Uh- Hello, permission to come aboard, Captain?”

Mr. Kirkland didn’t respond.

“Hah, tough crowd. Well, uh, I’ve been training my whole life for the day I join the Krusty crew!” Alfred managed a grin, “Couldn’t help but see the Help Wanted sign and, well, when do I start?”

Of all the things that could go wrong, every single one of them had managed to share the spotlight.

“Well, lad, it looks like you don’t even have your sea legs.” Was Mr. Kirkland’s response after what seemed like ages of silence. The accent made the message heavier than it was, slamming into Alfred with its rolled ‘r’s and overall piratey aura.

Well, Alfred supposed it was what he deserved for being cocky.

“It was like, a nail in the boards or something-”

“Well,” Mr. Kirkland sighed, carding his hand through his cherry-red hair as Roderich gave him a narrow-eyed look Alfred didn’t quite understand. “Look, lad, I’m sorry.”

“Mr. Kirkland, just one chance!”

What had Alfred done wrong? Besides the falling on the first impression and the excessive talking, there couldn’t have been anything barring him from being an adequate fry cook, right? Yet there he was, standing before the employer of his dreams, watching as his friendly neighbour Roderich gave Mr. Kirkland looks akin to those he’d give Alfred when knocking on his door over a noise complaint.

(Roderich’s violin pieces didn’t sound as elegant when accompanied by grating laughter and dimwitted squealing. He doubted the ambience of his workplace would be affected any different.)

“Listen-” Mr. Kirkland began.

The hiss of a bus slowing to a halt. “Uh-” Alfred threw a glance over his shoulder, turning back with a frenzied smile, “That’s a tour bus chock-full of people, I think you’d need the extra help, just try me out, will ya?”

And so Alfred gained himself the honour to wear the Krusty Krab cap, a white, blue-billed, anchor-adorned cap resting atop his blond locks as he flipped patties like there was no tomorrow.

Mr. Kirkland surely didn’t mind, no. After all, who could mind the sound of a ringing register and the smell of coins in the air? Roderich didn’t seem to mind either, what with the monotonous droning of his “may I take your order” and that secret smile hidden behind his deadpan demeanour.

(Roderich was not smiling.)

All was well that way.

Gilbert had taken him out to the movies that night and they’d stuffed their faces full of candy and cola, giggling up the driveway to Alfred’s house as Roderich watched, narrow-eyed, from his window.

“So you got the job!” Gilbert said.

“Yeah, I got the job!” Alfred shouted for what was nearly the eighteenth time that night. “I get to see Roderich all day now, isn’t it neat?”

Alfred and Gilbert sent a coupled wave in Roderich’s direction, through his window- neighbours to neighbour- and Roderich shut the curtains. Gilbert grinned, patting Alfred on the back.

“Don’t make new best friends, okay?”

“I don’t think I can, Gil.”

Alfred had always believed you could only have one best friend. The fact lied in the name, for only one thing could be the best and for him, it was Gilbert. Never mind the fact that the two were essentially polar opposites. So what if Alfred wanted to work a job and Gilbert was content playing video games in his house, living off his parents’ money? So what if Alfred wanted to explore the world, and Gilbert was content living under a rock? It just worked!

“Send me a postcard, Al.” He’d say, “Yanno, where you’re out in the desert or Brazil or something, bring me something nice.”

Yes, they were best friends, and nothing Alfred could think of could change that.

That was, at least, before he went to work on his fifth day at the job.

“Welcome to the Krusty Krab, my name is Roderich. May I take your order?” A voice that was as dead as the evening rush.

Alfred chewed his grin as he absent-mindedly spun his spatula. Evening hours were his favourite, because like a good story, every workday had a climax and every evening came with a resolution.

This was the resolution.

The sizzling died down, the last customer had walked in to order one last meal, and Alfred would prepare it, Roderich would serve it, and the register would ring, for the last time that day. The glass door would thud as the last customer pushed through it, and if Alfred was lucky, Mr. Kirkland would let him flip the We Are Open! sign.

Plus, Alfred could only go so long without wanting rest for his achy arms.

“Alfred, I need ten Krabby Patties to go.”

Blue eyes blinked. “Ten?”

A sigh and Roderich turned, narrow eyes glaring through the window into the kitchen. “I said ten, didn’t I?”

Ten was an awful lot. Nothing Alfred couldn’t handle during a lunchtime rush, but with arms as sore as his and a mind winding down with the sun on the horizon, it didn’t seem like something he really wanted to do.

But so be it, ten was ten.

He fished a patty out onto the stove.

“Forget it, Alfred, you don’t have to make that order.” Mr. Kirkland called from outside.

Alfred turned his furrowed-brow gaze to Roderich, who replied with a monotonous “whatever”.

Alfred turned the stove off.

“I’m a paying customer, I’ll have you know. I demand my ten burgers to go!” Another accent, this one a smoother lilt.

“Come flip the sign, Alfred lad.” Mr. Kirkland interjected. “We’re closed.”

Mr. Kirkland turning down a paying customer? Alfred slipped out of the kitchen, leaving the spatula on its little hook by the stove, swiping his hat off his head and holding it to his chest, “Sir, it’s only ten, I can make it, no problem.”

“It’s not about that, Alfred, just flip the darn sign.”

Roderich sighed from behind him, slipping out from his counter, a kitschy boat extension attached to the wall. He was quick to leave, not much for the drama unless it was on the television.

Alfred, however, was nothing if glued to the scene.

“Cute fry-cook,” The stranger flashed him a dry smile, to which Alfred responded with a red-faced grin, “Did you tell him what happened to the last one?”

Suddenly, Alfred didn’t feel like grinning anymore.

“Relax, lad, he didn’t die or nothin’.” Mr. Kirkland said, rolling his eyes, “He just left because Plankton ‘ere wouldn’t stop pesterin’ him.”

“Untrue!” The man whose name was supposedly Plankton shrieked in response.

Alfred’s head hurt.

He was never one for suspense. No, not suspenseful books or movies or stories his grandmother would tell him that had a climax further from the beginning than a few seconds. Heck, even school books they were forced to read, when showing even a sliver of suspenseful promise, he flipped to the last page and relieved himself. Alfred didn’t like suspense.

So naturally, it made sense that Alfred had bit his lip and made a meek interjection into what was blossoming into a full out one-sided screaming match. “Uh, who are you, exactly?”

Mr. Kirkland sighed, rubbing the space between his brows, “Go home, lad, don’t bother yourself with this.”

“Ah, you’re just scared he’ll take my side, aren’t you, Allistair?”

“Lock up on your way out, Alfred.” And Mr. Kirkland was gone, dragging the stranger by the collar until they were out through the glass doors and Alfred’s curious eyes caught another inaudible argument. Mr. Kirkland gestured, Plankton gestured more, and Mr. Kirkland was gone after one sinister point in Alfred’s direction, possibly a “don’t talk to him”.

Alfred slunk back into the kitchen, tossing the patty into the bin and cleaning his spatula in warm, soapy water. Surely this Plankton guy couldn’t be dangerous, right? Why would Mr. Kirkland just let him hang around, then? Alfred was a valued employee!

He patted the utensil with a towel, letting it hang on its hook before going out to the register. Even though Mr. Kirkland usually got the collecting-money job done the second after the last customer left, there was no harm in checking.

“Hello there, Alfred, was it?”

“You’re not supposed to be in here, we’re closed,” Alfred said shakily, checking the register. Empty.

He moved into the kitchen, hoping his lack of conversation would drive the stranger away, only to find upon his return with a soaked rag that Plankton was now seated at one of the tables, picking at the sleeve of his green sweater.

“You need to leave, sir.” It was a wobbly request.

“It’s awful mean of Allistair to leave you in here to clean up all by yourself, isn’t it, now?”

“It’s my job, I’ll be fine!”

“Well, let me help.” And Plankton was out of his seat, hand outstretched as Alfred reluctantly placed the damp rag in his palm. “I’ll clean the tabletops, I suppose you’ll sweep up?”

“Oh, uh yeah.”

Alfred liked to sweep. It put a lot of work in his arms, but it kept his hands dry and the floors neat. He definitely liked it better than cleaning tabletops- floors rarely had particles of what was inside someone else.

Plankton seemed to agree, judging by the downward curve of his lips as he placed the least possible skin contact into the dirty towel.

“So, Plankton-”

“Please don’t call me that.” The man who did not want to be called Plankton sighed, nose crinkling at a particularly hard ketchup stain. “I’d rather you call me Arthur, that’s my actual name.”

Arthur. The name suited him. Whenever Alfred thought of British people, the name Arthur was the first in mind, along with smooth, pretty accents and a mean sense of humour.

Arthur’s accent was smooth and pretty but he didn’t seem to be mean at all.

In fact, he seemed pretty nice as he was scrubbing down tables so Alfred wouldn’t have to. Not to mention using the word “please”, now that was nice if anything.

“Plankton doesn’t sound much like Arthur to be a good nickname.” Alfred pointed out.

Arthur shrugged, “Allistair has been calling me that since I was three, when we would play pirates.”

That was a cute thought. Alfred couldn’t help smiling at it, a small Mr. Kirkland with a piratey hat to match his piratey voice.

“He said it was because I was small, and always wore green.” Arthur paused, eyes drifting down to his green sweater, an action that pulled a laugh from Alfred’s lips. “I suppose I am still small and green.”

Alfred swept absent-mindedly, growing weary of the dull throb in his biceps. “How do you guys know each other?”

“My name is Arthur Kirkland, we’re brothers.”

Brothers! There was nothing dangerous about a brother. The knot between Alfred’s shoulder blades loosened a bit and he let himself smile, loosening his work uniform’s bright red tie. “In that case, I can go make you your order really fast, anything for the boss’ bro!”

“I can’t ask you of that,” Arthur said with a small smile.

Alfred mirrored the smile, putting his broom into the back closet and fetching himself another rag to help Arthur finish a particularly tough ketchup stain.

“Tell you what, how about I come by tomorrow, lunch? You can give them to me out back.”

The knot was back and a nervous chuckle passed through Alfred’s grinning lips. “Why’s it gotta be so secret?”

Wide green eyes.

Gary liked to eat off of Alfred’s plate when he wasn’t looking, especially when Gilbert would force them to watch horror movies and Alfred took to burying his face into his palms at a particularly quiet scene, the ones just before the jump scare.

Gary would walk onto him just then, nipping at the tub of popcorn in his lap.

He’d widen his eyes when Alfred caught him. It was kinda like what Arthur was doing just then.

Alfred just didn’t know what it meant.

“Um, Allistair is a bit mad at me, so I feel it would be best if I didn’t show my face- or that you didn’t tell him you were, uh, doing this for me.”

“Why is he mad?”

“Oh,” Arthur chewed his lip, letting his eyes glance the lock screen of his phone before coming back up to meet Alfred’s gaze. “You know, brotherly spats. Nothing serious. See you tomorrow?”

And he was gone, leaving spotless tables and a confused Alfred in his wake.

Alfred locked the doors of the Krusty Krab behind him, the cool evening air leaving goosebumps on his bared arms, left to the elements by the short white sleeves of his work uniform.

The floor had been swept, the money had been tucked away into Mr. Kirkland’s office and the sign had been flipped at last, but somehow, it didn’t feel like a resolution.

Instead, as he walked back to his house, waving “goodnight” towards Roderich’s window, who replied with a fond tug of his curtains, it rather felt more like the moments that warned him to flip to the end of the book. The parts of the story that climbed into a climax, suspense.

And Alfred’s stomach hurt.

[donttalkaboutmemes]

Alice In Wonderland (1951) Sentence Meme

Under the cut you will find 140+ sentences from 1951 version of Alice in Wonderland to use for your enjoyment!    

1.      “Would you kindly pay attention to your history lesson?”

2.      “How can one possibly pay attention to a book with no pictures in it?”

3.      “There are many good books in this world without pictures.”

4.      “In my world, the books would be nothing but pictures.”

5.      “Your world? What nonsense.”

6.      “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.”

7.      “In my world, you wouldn’t say meow.”

8.      “You’d be just like people. All the other animals too.”

9.      “It’s just a rabbit with a waistcoat…and a watch!”

10.   “My fur and whiskers! I’m late!”

11.   “What could a rabbit possibly be late for?”

12.   “We really shouldn’t be doing this. After all, we haven’t been invited.”

13.   “Curiosity often leads to trouble.”

14.   “After this I shall think nothing of falling down stairs.”

15.   “What if I should fall right through the center of the Earth and come out the other side where people walk upside down?”

16.   “One good turn deserves another.”

17.   “You’re much too big. Simply impassible.”

18.   “Impassible. Nothing’s impossible.”

19.   “Read the directions. Directly you’ll be directed in the right direction.”

20.   “If one drinks much from a bottle marked poison, it’s almost certain to disagree with one sooner or later.”

21.   “Just giving myself some good advice.”

22.   “Goodness knows what this will do.”

23.   “A little of that went a long way.”

24.   “Come now. Crying wont’ help.”

25.   “This won’t do. This won’t do at all.”

26.   “Oh dear. I do wish I hadn’t cried so much.”

27.   “Ahoy and other nautical expressions!”

28.   “Pardon me, but would you mind helping me? Please?”

29.   “I say, you’ll never get dry that way.”

30.   “Have to run with the others. First rule of the caucus race.”

31.   “That’s better. Have you dry in no time now.”

32.   “No one can ever get dry this way.”

33.   “I’m as dry as a bone already.”

34.   “I’m sure he came this way. Do you supposed he could be hiding?”

35.   “If you think we’re waxworks, you ought to pay, you know.”

36.   “If you think we’re alive, you ought to speak to us.”

37.   “That’s manners.”

38.   “You can’t go yet. No, the visit just started.”

39.   “If you stay long enough, we might have a battle.”

40.   “The oysters were curious too, weren’t they?”

41.   “Well…perhaps I could spare a little time.”

42.   “That was a very sad story.”

43.   “There’s a moral to it. Oh yes. A very good one.”

44.   “I wonder who lives here.”

45.   “Drat that girl! Where could she have put them?”

46.   “Don’t just do something. Stand there.”

47.   “My gloves! At once!”

48.   “If I were a rabbit, where would I keep my gloves?”

49.   “A monster! In my house!”

50.   “By jove. Jolly well is, isn’t it?”

51.   “You’re passing up a golden opportunity!”

52.   “Perhaps we should try a more energetic remedy.”

53.   “By jove, that’s it. We’ll burn the house down.”

54.   “Perhaps if I eat something it will make me grow small.”

55.   “No cooperation! No cooperation at all!”

56.   “Well, can’t have monsters about.”

57.   “Oh, dear. I’ll never catch him while I’m this small.”

58.   “That’s nonsense. Flowers don’t talk.”

59.   “But of course we can talk, my dear.”

60.   “What kind of garden do you come from?”

61.   “Do you suppose she’s a wild flower?”

62.   “Did you notice her petals? What a peculiar color.”

63.   “You wouldn’t expect her to admit it. Can you imagine?”

64.   “If I were my right size, I could pick every one of you if I wanted to.”

65.   “You can learn a lot of things from the flowers? Seems to me they could learn a few things about manners.”

66.   “Who are you?”

67.   “I’ve changed so many times, you see.”

68.   “I’m afraid I can’t explain myself, because I’m not myself, you know.”

69.   “I can’t put it any more clearly for it isn’t clear to me.”

70.   “Don’t you think you ought to tell me who you are first?”

71.   “I can’t remember things as I used to.”

72.   “I’ve never heard it that way before.”

73.   “Keep your temper.”

74.   “Exactically what is your problem?”

75.   “I should like to be a little larger.”

76.   “One side will make you grow taller and the other side will make you grow shorter.”

77.   “And I suppose you don’t eat eggs, either?”

78.   “Why, you’re a cat!”

79.   “I just wanted to ask you which way I ought to go.”

80.   “It really doesn’t matter which way you go.”

81.   “By the way, if you really want to know, he went that way.”

82.   “Can you stand on your head?”

83.   “But I don’t want to go among mad people.”

84.   “Most everyone’s mad here. You may have noticed I’m not all there myself.”

85.   “Goodness! If the people here are like that, I must try not to upset them!”

86.   “No room! No room!”

87.   “It’s rude to sit without being invited.”

88.   “Oh, what a delightful child!”

89.   “You must have a cup of tea.”

90.   “I’m sorry I interrupted your birthday party.”

91.   “Birthday? My dear child, this is not a birthday party.”

92.   “You were seeking some information of some kind?”

93.   “Clean cup! Move down!”

94.   “I haven’t had any yet, so I can’t very well take more.”

95.   “You can always take more than nothing.”

96.   “Start at the beginning. And when you get to the end, stop.”

97.   “See all the trouble you’ve started?”

98.   “If you don’t think, don’t talk.”

99.   “Tea? Just half a cup if you don’t mind.”

100.  “Don’t you care for tea?”

101.  “You could at least make polite conversation.”

102.   “I have an excellent idea. Let’s change the subject.”

103.   “Why is a raven like a writing desk?”

104.   “No wonder you’re late. This clock is exactly two days slow.”

105.    “Don’t let’s be silly.”

106.   “This is the stupidest tea party I’ve ever been to in all my life.”

107.   “I’ve had enough nonsense. I’m going home, straight home.”

108.   “Curious. I don’t remember this.”

109.   “No, please. No more nonsense.”

110.    “If I came this way, I should go back this way.”

111.    “When I get home, I shall write a book about this place.”

112.    “It would be nice if something would make sense for a change.”

113.    “If I hurry, perhaps I might even be home in time for tea.”

114.   “When one’s lost, I suppose it’s good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you. But who’d ever think to look for me here?”

115.   “If I’d listened earlier, I wouldn’t be here, but that’s just the trouble with me.”

116.    “Who’m did you expect? The white rabbit, perchance?”

117.    “I wanna go home, but I can’t find my way.”

118.    “You have no way. All ways here, you see, are the queen’s ways.”

119.    “I’ve never met any queen.”

120.    “She’ll be mad about you. Simply mad.”

121.   “Some go this way. Some go that way. But as for me, myself, personally? I prefer the short cut.”

122.    “The fact is, miss, we planted the white roses by mistake.”

123.    “Who’s been painting my roses red?”

124.     “Who dares to taint with vulgar paint the royal flower bed?”

125.      “For painting my roses red someone will lose their head.”

126.      “Off with their heads!”

127.      “It certainly isn’t a heart.”

128.      “Look up. Speak clearly. And don’t twiddle your fingers.”

129.      “Your way? All ways here are my ways!”

130.      “Curtsey while you’re thinking. It saves time.”

131.      “Do you want us both to lose our heads?”

132.      “I warn you, child, if I lose my temper you lose your head.”

133.      “You know, we could make her really angry. Shall we try?”

134.      “Someone’s head will roll for this! Yours!”

135.      “Never mind all that! Get to the point where I lose my temper!”

136.      “Sentence? But there must be a verdict first.”

137.      “That’s the most important piece of evidence we’ve heard yet.”

138.       “Where were you when this horrible crime was committed?”

139.        “Today, you know, is my unbirthday.”

140.        “You’re not a queen. You’re just a fat, pompous, bad-tempered old tyrant!”

141.        “We insist! You must join us in a cup of tea!”

142.         “Will you kindly pay attention and recite your lesson?”

143.         “Come along. It’s time for tea.”

[imagine-organization-xiii]

As songs from spongebob? I need this in my soul

I was literally waiting for someone to submit this - catch me crying in the club over gary’s song for all eternity. That episode changed my life.

oOoOo

Xemnas - F.U.N. Song

“F is for fire that burns down the whole town, U is for uranium - bombs! N is for no survivors WHEN YOU - PLANKTON!“

Xigbar - Sweet Victory

“Don’t ever look back on the world closing in, be on the attack with your wings on the wind!“

Xaldin - I Can’t Keep My Eyes off of You

“Oh, baby, they may call me a fool, but I can’t help our gravitation pull.“

Vexen - Ripped Pants

“Now I learned a lesson I won’t soon forget, so listen and you won’t regret: be true to yourself, don’t miss your chance.“

Lexaeus - The Best Day Ever

“Mr. Sun came up and he smiled at me. He said ‘It’s gonna be a good one just wait and see!’“

Zexion - This Grill Is Not a Home

“I would trade it all away if you come back to stay - this kitchen’s not the same without you!“

Saix - Idiot Friends

“Who’s there for you when you are sad and down? Idiot friends! Who picks you up and smacks you all around? Idiot friends!“

Axel - That’s What Friends Do

“A friend is a friend to the end of the end, that’s forever and a day!“

Demyx - The Spongebob Theme Song

“If nautical nonsense be something you wish - SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!”

Luxord - Loop de Loop

“Just sit on down and I’ll give you the scoop - what’s that? It’s called a loop de loop!“

Marluxia - Campfire Song Song

“Let’s gather round the campfire and sing our campfire song!“

Larxene - Living in the Sunlight

“Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight having a wonderful time.“

Roxas - Gary’s Song

“And now my heart is beating like the saddest metronome. Somewhere I hope you’re reading my latest three word poem: Gary Come Home.“

Xion - Goofy Goober Rock

“So if you’re thinking that you’d like to be like me, go ahead and try, the kid inside will set you free!“

[knifeshoeoreofight]

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Mr. Heinze shakes his head as he pours Sidney a glass of brandy. “His other lordship was difficult to persuade, my lord. It did take some managing to get him to admit a single sartorial preference.” He looks off into the middle distance, as close to perturbed as Sidney has ever seen him. “He has alarming taste in waistcoats, my lord.”

Sidney accepts the glass from him and laughs. Mr. Heinze had accompanied Evgeni to the tailor’s and had apparently had a trying afternoon.  “Let him get the most eye-searing waistcoat in the whole of Britain. I don’t care.”

“You may eventually care,” Mr. Heinze warns, and Sidney laughs again. He’s happy. Evgeni came to see him for a reading lesson and it had been a pleasant, if torturous hour of bending close and guiding Evgeni’s hand as he formed the letters. He’s very intelligent, and is picking written English up exceedingly quickly. Forming the letters himself is still proving difficult, however, hence the need for Sidney’s help.

It fascinates him, the glimpses he gets of Evgeni’s brilliant mind, sweeping emotions, and big, expansive heart. He wishes, more than almost anything, that he understood Russian. But Evgeni is surprisingly cagey about teaching him and Sidney has only been able to wrest the barest bits and pieces of vocabulary from him. Half of which are completely unsuitable for polite company. But nothing makes Evgeni snigger and grin his wide scoundrel’s grin like Sidney butchering Russian sailing profanity. And so he indulges him.

He would indulge almost anything that would make Evgeni happy, and it’s an almost frightening thing to learn about himself.

“At least teach me that thing you always call me lately,” Sidney had complained, and Evgeni had barrelled on as if he hadn’t heard, teaching Sidney instead how to thoroughly question the legitimacy or even humanity of someone’s parentage.

Now, he takes another sip of brandy and contemplates the fire, unable to keep the corners of his lips from curving upwards at Mr. Heinze’s long suffering tone.

“I had to manage him a little, my lord. Tell him you would be disappointed in my service if I did not extract his true wants in regards to his evening attire, and provide him with as much of it as was fitting for someone of his rank. He has a loyal heart. He would not hear of either disappointing you or allowing myself to fall in your bad graces.”

Sidney smiles, feeling wistful. “Yes, he is a good man.”

“With questionable taste in clothing.”

“Even so.”

***

Sidney eventually settles on attending a ball held by the Barrie-Landeskogs. He’s not close to them, but his friend Sir Nathan Mackinnon is and he supposes they’re tolerable enough. The Viscount and his husband typically put on a raucous but well-appointed event. They employ a talented kitchen staff, at any rate.

Two weeks before the ball, Sidney is in Truro on business when he pulls Cole up short outside the window of a jewelers, struck by a sudden whim.

Not all men or women are fond of jewels, but he has a feeling his husband might be, given the opportunity. He spends rather more than he is used to in one sitting, at least when not purchasing fine horses or the like. The thrilled jeweler cannot seem to bow deeply enough on Sidney’s way out.

***

When the day itself arrives, Sidney nervously slides the velvet case containing his gift across the table to Evgeni at breakfast.

Evgeni sets down his tea and blinks. “What’s this?”

Sidney clears his throat. “Something to wear for the ball tonight, if you wish.”

Evgeni’s eyes go wide and his mouth falls open when he sees the cravat pin. It’s an ostentatious thing- the Crosby family crest worked in bright enamel, inlaid with jet and citrine and bordered with glittering diamonds.

Evgeni’s eyes go to where the family crest is also carved into the marble mantlepiece. “This…”

“The family crest,” Sidney says, suddenly terribly nervous that he’s made the wrong decision here. “Gold inescutcheon on a white field.”

“Who’s him?” Evgeni asks, a smile beginning to bloom. He’s reverently cradling the pin as if he expects it to break, and Sidney breathes a sigh of relief.

“It’s a Great Auk,” Sidney explains. “A seabird. You rarely see them now but they used to live all along the coast here. The estate is named after them. Ydhyn Dhu means ‘black bird’ in Cornish.” It’s an unusual animal for a coat of arms, but his family has always been a little different.

“They can’t fly, but they can swim like fish,” Sidney continues. “Do you like it?”

“I’m love,” Evgeni says softly. “This is yours?”

“Oh, no, I had it made especially for you,” Sidney hastens to explain. “Consider it a late wedding present.”

Evgeni’s head is bowed, and he doesn’t look at Sidney, but he traces the auk with his thumb so gently that it makes Sidney want to saddle Cole this instant and go purchase every last bauble the jeweler has.

When Evgeni speaks again his voice is rough. “I’m also get you present. Not so fancy like this, but maybe, think you like simple?”

Sidney is not a child, the prospect of a gift has no business making him this giddy. “Oh! You didn’t have to-- yes, I do prefer fairly simple attire.”

“Should still have something nice for party,” Evgeni says, head still ducked shyly. “Maybe you already have. But I see and I think, maybe you like.”

He pulls from the pocket of his coat a box not dissimilar to the one Sidney had given him. Sidney accepts it from him with eager hands. Inside, on a bed of tissue paper, lies a delicate gold chain. It has a pendant on it, also gold, in the shape of a ship under sail.

“I see you have many ship things, in your study. Painting, compass, sextant. Think maybe you like.”

Sidney flushes, both from Evgeni noticing his alarming weakness for nautical objets d'art and from pleasure in being understood so well.

“It’s absolutely perfect,” Sidney says fervently. “I love it.”

“I know is mostly ladies wear necklace,” Evgeni goes on, looking pleased but still rambling a little nervously. “But I see some ladies wear cravat, some gentlemen wear necklace.”

Sidney unhooks the necklace clasp and drapes it around his neck. The pendant rests where a cravat pin typically would, and it looks very well. “As I said, perfect.” He fumbles with the delicate closure for a moment, and Evgeni stands, and goes behind him to do it for him.

Sidney closes his eyes at the brush of Evgeni’s hands on the nape of his neck. Evgeni fusses with it for a moment, running a finger along the chain to make it lie smooth and perfect. Sidney wants to lean back into the touch, but does not.

“Thank you,” he tells his husband.

“Thank you too,” Evgeni returns.

***

In the carriage, Evgeni cannot stop jouncing his leg up and down from nerves, and Sidney cannot stop noticing how fine a figure Evgeni cuts in evening dress. The coat of arms pin twinkles expensively from Evgeni’s cravat, and Sidney is a little ashamed of how much he likes seeing his crest worn on Evgeni’s person. Not to say that Evgeni belongs to him, but rather that Evgeni belongs with him.

He touches the ship necklace where it lies over his own cravat, and Evgeni’s eyes follow the movement. He smiles.

“Look so good, Sid,” Evgeni says, low, and it makes heat pool in Sid’s belly.

“It was a lovely gift,” he says, and Evgeni shakes his head and gestures vaguely at Sid’s entire body.

“Everything looks good,” he says, and Sid wills his face not to flush scarlet. He smooths a hand self-consciously down his waistcoat. He’d come to the conclusion that if he dressed as plainly as he was wont to do on his own, Evgeni in his resplendently embroidered waistcoat and fine lace cuffs might stand out a little too much. So he’d enlisted the help of Letang, who exhibited an ungentlemanly amount of glee in finally being allowed control of Sidney’s wardrobe.

He’d insisted on a russet velvet coat and a gold silk waistcoat. Sidney was intensely skeptical but Letang had only said some nonsense about his eyes and had insisted. At least he would approach Evgeni in spendor somewhat, this way. And it did go well with the necklace.

“You as well,” Sidney said, after perhaps too great a pause. “I mean, you look very well, also.”

Evgeni lifts his arm and turns his wrist to admire the gold embroidery on the wine-red velvet of his sleeves. “I’m like,” he says, pleased. “And Mr. Heinze say is fine to choose.”

“I’m glad you chose something you liked,” Sidney tells him, and Evgeni looks over at him. He has this way of looking sometimes, like his eyes are smiling even more than his mouth is. He’s looking at Sidney that way now. Sidney wishes--

Well. There is much Sidney wishes for.

He’s suddenly reminded, so clearly that he practically hear his voice, of his father gruffly intoning that “wishes have no practical use, son. What are you going to do to make them come about, instead?”

What indeed. Sidney has been assuming this entire time that, in effect, romancing his own husband would be an egregious abuse of power. But, would it? Under the thrall of Evgeni’s warm, dark-eyed gaze, Sidney begins to wonder.

***

The Barrie-Landeskog estate is ablaze with light when they arrive. Torches line the drive and gleaming carriages wait to disgorge thier dazzlingly dressed occupants. When their own carriage draws up before the wide marble front steps, Sidney meets his husband’s eyes.

“Ready?” he asks.

Evgeni looks a little green but Sidney watches him swallow, close his eyes, and open them with an expression of fierce resolve.

“Yes,” he says firmly.

Sidney steps out first, and turns to extend a hand to Evgeni and help him down. It’s a rather useless gesture, given how long Evgeni’s legs are and how little he needs the help. But Sidney is determined to let society observe him awarding his husband every courtesy.

Evgeni slides his hand into the crook of Sidney’s elbow, as smoothly as if he’d been escorted into ballrooms all his life.

He grins at Sidney. “I’m practice with Mr. Heinze. What you think?”

“Very elegant,” Sidney replies, helpless to do anything but grin back.

They ascend the steps, and are bowed inside by the footmen. It is a riot of color and sound: chandeliers glowing with hundred of candles that glint off gilt scrollwork amid a ceiling of painted cherubs and divinities. The guests below gleam in a rainbow of velvet and silk, jewels flashing, ostrich plumes fluttering from hair ornaments and fans. Strains of music rise above the murmur of voices.

Sidney glances at his husband to see him gazing about himself with an expression of dazzled wonder. He smiles at Sidney, joyous as a child.

“Sid!” he exclaims.

“You like it?” Sidney asks.

“Most beautiful thing I’m ever see,” Evgeni breathes, mouth dropped open. He glances down at Sidney for a fleeting instant. “Almost.”

“Well. if you like it so much, we should open up the ballroom at Ydhyn Dhu. Maybe hold a ball ourselves.”

“There’s ballroom at Ydhyn Dhu?” Evgeni goggles incredulously at Sid.

“Well. It’s shut up since it’s used so seldomly,” Sid explains.

Evgeni raises his free hand to pat Sidney’s arm, laughter in his eyes. “I know, I know. Sid doesn’t like big noisy party.”

“If you like them, we shall have them,” Sidney insists. He’s not completely stodgy.. He can throw his husband a ball, for god’s sake.

Evgeni’s gaze is fond, and he leans down and brushes a kiss across the back of Sidney’s hand. “Maybe. But now, first?” He cocks his head at where the hosts are greeting all of the new arrivals.

“Lord Crosby!” The Viscount exclaims, when they draw near. Heads all around turn with alarming alacrity at the words. “And your husband—”

“Lord Evgeni,” Sidney supplies. Evgeni takes and bows over the hands of the Viscount and his husband with careful politeness.

“We were all astonishment, I must say, to hear of the wedding. Our congratulations, however,” the Viscount continues, bright-eyed and merry. “Nate had precious little information, for all that you are close friends.”

“There is not much to tell,” Sidney replies, and the Viscount nods sagely.

“I understand, I understand.” He leans closer, with a conspiratorial air. “Tall, handsome, and foreign. An irresistible combination, I know.” He leers at his own husband, who rolls his eyes, but also looks a little smug.

“Well-” Sidney is sure he is blushing. “I daresay-- oh look, it’s Nate, I must say hello. Many thanks again for the invitation.”

He angles for where he caught a glimpse of Nate in the throng but before he gets there they are accosted. Inwardly, Sidney groans, for Sir McGuire is one of the most tedious men he has ever had the misfortune to know. Outwardly, he just smiles blandly at the man’s overly familiar greeting.

“And this, this is the husband? Well, it was certainly a surprise to us all when the news reached us,” Sir McGuire burbles. “Tell me, Lord Evgeni, what was your family name again? I do believe I forgot.”

Sidney’s stomach tightens in sympathy for Evgeni and he prepares to intervene, but Evgeni merely lifts his chin, gracing Sir McGuire with a look of such perfected aristocratic boredom that Sidney has to stifle a laugh.

“My name is Evgeni Vladimirovich Malkin-Crosby,” Evgeni proclaims. “Of St. Petersburg and Moscow. But my family spend most of our time on our land in the Ural Mountains.”

Sidney knows for a fact that Evgeni’s family owns no land and that he’s only been to Moscow once in his life. He wants to smirk at the look of confusion on McGuire’s face as he tries to figure out a way to be snide about Evgeni’s origins without knowing the slightest thing about what he’s talking about.

“Ah. And was your family able to visit the royal court in St. Petersburg?” McGuire asks with an oily smile. Sidney wants to roll his eyes.

“Dear Katya would not hear of us staying away,” Evgeni replies, with a condescending smirk Sidney should not be finding attractive. Gratifyingly, Mcguire’s jaw drops.

“By Katya, of course you cannot mean--”

“So nice, English education must be better than I’m think, if you know of the Empress Yekaterina,” Evgeni says patronizingly. “Maybe hope for you all, yet.”

Sidney cannot stifle a snort, and bites his lip to try and keep his smile in check as McGuire takes his leave with gratifying alacrity.

“Rogue!” Sidney hisses delightedly. “You know he is a horrible gossip, the entire ballroom will be hearing about that in a matter of minutes.”

“Good,” Evgeni says contentedly, and Sidney bursts out laughing at the serene expression on his face.

Just then the music issuing from the ballroom changes to a minuet. It would probably be a good idea to start off with a couple’s dance, instead of the more complicated dances involving multiple sets of partners. Sidney inclines his head toward the open ballroom doors inquiringly and Evgeni nods. Sidney takes Evgeni’s from its place on his arm and holds it in his own, as correctly as his dancing master would have insisted upon, and leads Evgeni forth.

***

Sidney had not, perhaps, fully considered the ramifications of dancing with Evgeni. The minuet is slow, and stately, and there is nobody to watch for or pay attention to besides one’s partner.

The ballroom is lit up by more chandeliers and candles, and heady with the scent of hothouse flowers. Evgeni’s hands are enormous and strong in Sid’s, and his eyes never seem to leave Sidney’s face. Every time they meet after a pattern of separate steps, Evgeni seems to pull Sidney a little closer. Almost too close, for propriety’s sake. Sidney chalks it up, perhaps, to a lapse in Mr. Heinze’s deportment lessons.

The turns are a little amusing. Sidney can step easily enough under Evgeni’s arm, but they have to get a little creative when it comes to Evgeni getting under Sid’s. They laugh at themselves a little, and it strikes Sidney that he has never had such a pleasant time on a dance floor before. Dancing had always made him feel stilted and awkward, too busy trying to remember the steps to really enjoy himself.

Now, he has Evgeni, who he can laugh with if either of them make a mistake, smiling at Sid like there’s nowhere else he wants to be in the world. Sidney cannot help it-- every warm brush of his fingers to Sid’s own makes him want.

When the music ends and the ballroom breaks into applause, Sidney blinks as if awakening from a spell.

“That was--” he isn’t sure how he is going to finish that, because they are accosted by Letang and Catherine for a quadrille, and the dancing resumes once more.

***

They take a respite from dancing to refresh themselves with glasses of orgeat and negus. Sidney has the taste of rosewater and almonds on his tongue, and Evgeni near him, leaning close to joke about this dandy’s particularly elaborate cravat or that haughty woman’s peculiar hair arrangement. He cannot remember ever enjoying a ball so much.

They are interrupted by Nate, arriving to clap Sidney on the back and cheerfully complain about his inability to convince any young ladies to dance with him.

“It’s because you tread on their feet and are an unromantic lout,” Sidney says dryly. Nate throws his head back and laughs.

“Hilarious, coming from you. Although, I suppose, you do have the higher ground now that you have managed to convince someone to marry you!” Nate toasts Evgeni with his glass of negus and Evgeni frowns a little.

“Come on, Sid,” Nate continues, wheedling. “Don’t let me be utterly humiliated. Stand up for the next dance with me, just the one? I’m sure Evgeni wouldn’t mind, would you?”

Evgeni looks taken aback, perhaps by Nate’s jovial noisiness, but nods, and carefully takes Sidney’s glass when it is handed to him.

“I’ll be back soon,” Sidney promises, and leaves to line up with Nate and a bevy of others for a country dance.

The liveliness of the particular dance means that it is long minutes before he has a moment to stand still as he waits to take his turn in a series of steps, and look back to where he left Evgeni waiting.

He’s startled by the dark look he sees leveled at him, immediately smoothed out to blank nothingness as soon as Evgeni sees that Sidney is looking back. It shakes Sidney, and he can barely concentrate on the rest of the dance. He treads rather badly on poor Nate’s feet, and he knows he is in for an exceptional amount of ribbing from that quarter later.

“Well,” Nate says breathlessly, as the dance finally draws to a close. “I daresay marriage has only worsened your dancing. I would not have though it possible for you to get worse!”

Ordinarily, Sidney would have liked nothing better than to exchange friendly repartee with Nate- the friendship they have has always included a great deal of good-natured teasing. But he is distracted now. During the very last series of steps, he’d spent much of the time craning his neck to see if Evgeni was still staring at the dancers like a thundercloud, but he seems now to have vanished. He take his leave from Nate, and makes his way through the throng to find out where his husband has gone.

A man of Evgeni’s height is not easily missed, so Sidney need only make a few inquiries to find out he has gone outside,to the wide stone veranda running along the back of the house. Tall windows spill light from inside, and it is easy to make out Evgeni, leaning on the balustrade and staring moodily out onto the Barrie-Landeskogs’ extensive lily pond.

Sid comes up beside him, feeling once again wrong-footed and unsure of what to say. The night air holds the promise of spring. It smells of damp earth and green growing things, and there is a chorus of frogsong loud enough to be heard over the strains of music from inside.

“Hello,” Sidney says softly, and Evgeni turns, and gives him a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Where you displeased, that I danced with Nate?” Sidney asks, a little conflicted as to how it makes him feel. Deep down, he fears he might actually...enjoy the idea of Evgeni being desirous of his time and person, at least when it comes to dancing. “Perhaps it was bad of me to leave you alone?” To face the gossips without Sidney at his side. The more he thinks about this the worse he feels. But Evgeni is shaking his head, and his expression has gone rueful and soft.

“No, Sid,” he says. “Is good, to dance with friends. I’m should not--” He doesn’t finish.

“I like it when you’re honest with me,” Sidney says. “Did you mind very much?”

Evgeni doesn’t answer, and he doesn’t look at Sid. Instead he asks: “You like him, Nate?”

“Our parents were good friends,” Sidney says, wondering what Evgeni is getting at. “I’ve known him since he was a snot-nosed infant. How he used to squall! He’s a good lad, if hopeless with the ladies. I fear it may be years before he finds a girl with the fortitude to become mistress of MacKinnon Hall.”

Evgeni looks intently at Sid, as though trying to gauge his emotions. So Sid continues. “And I hope you don’t take his teasing seriously; heaven knows I don’t. He’s just lively, is all. He means no harm.”

“He’s only like ladies?”

Sid shrugs. “As far as I know.”

“And you all right?”

Really, Sidney isn’t sure why Evgeni is looking at him with so much concern.

“Why should I care who Nate likes?” Sidney says, frowning. “He’s like a little brother to me, I’d just as rather not think about his romantic inclinations, at all.”

Evgeni’s shoulders slump and he shakes his head, laughing soundlessly, seemingly at himself.

“What is it?” Sidney says, concerned. “Did you think...did you think I had a tendre for Nate?”

Evgeni buries his face in his hands with a groan. “Don’t tease, Sid. I’m just be little bit foolish.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” Sidney protests. “I don’t. Have a tendre for anyone, I mean.” A horrible thought strikes him. “Wait, do you?”

Evgeni shakes his head and sighs. “Only person here I’m want be married to, is you.”

“Oh good,” Sidney says, feeling relieved his anxiety was for naught. “Me too.”

Good god, he sounds a right fool. He wonders bitterly if, had the circumstances been different and he’d met Evgeni at a ball like this, he’d been able to get someone as naturally charming to look at him twice.

“Mean that, Sid?” Evgeni is saying, voice hushed. He is suddenly standing very, very close. Sid can smell his sandalwood shaving soap.

Sid has to clear his throat before he can speak. “I’m not in the habit of saying things I don’t mean.”

Evgeni’s lips are softly parted, as if he wants to say something, or even, perhaps, lean forward and press them to Sidney’s.

Sidney’s heart pounds, and he finds himself swaying ever so slightly forward into Evgeni’s space. Please, he wants to beg. Kiss me. Kiss me because you want to.  

“Sid,” Evgeni says huskily. He raises a hand and softly touches Sidney under the chin, tilting Sidney’s face up towards his own. Sidney cannot breathe. There is only Evgeni’s heavy lidded gaze, and the warmth of his touch. He slides his other hand down Sid’s side to rest at his waist, and--

There is a crash as one of the sets of French doors from the ballroom violently swings open, expelling a couple obviously in their cups, giggling and loudly shushing each other. Evgeni drops his hands and steps back. Sid wants to curse at the loss.

“Go back inside?” Evgeni inquires, tilting his head towards the lit-up windows. “Dance more?”

Sidney wants to protest, but one of the young ladies who’ve disturbed them sighs out “Oh, Annabelle” in tones that suggest vacating the premises with alacrity to grant the young lovers some privacy might be in order.

“Always a flurry of engagements after a ball,” Sidney mutters as they walk in, still a little miffed.

“Romantic,” Evgeni says indulgently. “Very sweet.”

“Yes, quite,” Sidney says, feeling considerably less charitable.

Inside, the musicians are playing something totally unfamiliar, and there is rather a lot more standing around and tittering going on than usual. Sidney has to crane his neck and practically stand on his toes to see past the crush of people standing around the dance floor. When he sees what the precious few couples dancing are doing, his eyes widen. It is one thing to have a genteel rendez-vous with a spouse or a betrothed on a darkened balcony away from prying eyes, but this?

“Good lord,” a woman says to his right, fluttering her fan vigorously. “How..Continental.”

“Very...daring,” says her companion.

“That’s one way to describe it,” huffs a portly older gentleman.

Sidney glances up to see what Evgeni is making of all of this but he looks completely unperturbed.  

“I’m know this one,” he says, pleased. “Waltz. They dance like this in Vienna. I’m have friend on ship who teach me.” He looks down at Sid and holds out his hand. “Dance?”

Had he asked earlier in the evening, Sidney would have most likely said no. The idea of taking such liberties, in full view of society? But he is still flushed and disappointed from the ruined moment outside, and he feels reckless. He wants Evgeni’s arms around him and if a scandalous dance in front of all their acquaintance is the only way to get it, then, well.

“Why not,” Sidney says, with a sangfroid he does not feel. “You will have to teach me, however, I do not know the steps.”

Evgeni lights up. “I’m best teacher, come.”

And then he leads Sidney into the open space on the floor, and tugs him close in front of all the staring eyes around them. He slides one arm close about Sid’s waist, and takes Sid’s hand and lays it on his shoulder. Their free hands he clasps together, not extended a careful distance like in a minuet, but pulled close.

“Watch feet,” he murmurs in Sidney’s ear. “It’s count of three.” Sidney shudders, heat blooming through his whole body. He is certain his face must be scarlet.

Evgeni counts softly under his breath for a moment, to show Sidney how, then begins to move.

Sidney is consumed for a short while with attempting to replicate the movements of Evgeni’s feet, and then Evgeni says “turn now,” and swoops them around to the music so quickly it makes Sidney’s head spin.

It is like no dancing Sidney has ever done. There is nothing stately or decorous about this. There is instead the warmth of Evgeni’s arms around him, pulling him so close that their bodies press together at times. There are twirls and turns that send them flying around the dance floor and turn the ballroom around them into a blur of light and color.

When the music stops, Sidney’s chest is heaving, both from exertion and from having Evgeni so close. He cannot look at Evgeni’s face, he cannot, for surely everything he wants will be clear in his expression, and he does not wish to share with the entire ballroom how desperately he wants to ravish his husband.

“Good?” Evgeni asks, and Sidney can only nod.

“You’re a magnificent dancer,” he says

Evgeni shrugs. “When I’m know dance better, I’m not so bad. You want more drink?”

“Please.” He could drink a gallon or orgeat, he really could.

On their way, they encounter the Letangs. Kris gapes at Sidney.

“Lord Sidney Patrick Crosby,” he exclaims with a smirk. “Did I just see you waltzing? In front of God and this entire assembly?”

Evgeni looks puzzled. “What’s wrong with waltz? It’s nice dance.”

“Ooh, I see now,” Letang drawls. Then smirks. “Godspeed, my lords.”

“Whatever do you mean,” Sidney says flatly, and practically drags his husband the rest of the way to the refreshment table.

***

Sidney stays well past the usual hour when he usually make his excuses and leaves. He’s never seen a ball to its end before, but he is actually enjoying himself immeasurably with Evgeni at his side.

He drinks rather a lot of negus, and the cook must have made it uncommonly strong. The drink and his exhaustion cause him to list sleepily into Evgeni’s side after they step wearily into their carriage for the ride home. Sidney had gone to sit in his previous position opposite his husband, but Evgeni had pouted and tugged him down next to himself, instead. Highly satisfactory arrangement.

The first blush of dawn is pinking the eastern sky and the morning chorus of birdsong serenades them as Sidney gives in to his tipsy weariness and lets his head rest on Evgeni’s shoulder. Evgeni hums and tilts his own head onto Sid’s.

All is peaceful quiet, save the birds, the jingling of the harnesses, and the creak of the wheels for quite some time.

Eventually, though, Evgeni sighs softly and tilts his face so that his nose brushes Sidney’s hair.

“Why you stop call me ‘Zhenya’?” he says, so quietly Sidney wonders if he was meant to hear it at all.

“It seemed...an impertinence,” he says sleepily into Evgeni’s lapel.

“Don’t know what’s mean, ‘impertinence,” Evgeni grumbles.

His accent is so much thicker when he’s this tired. It’s delicious.

“Do you want me to?” Sidney says, laboriously blinking his eyes open, because this seems important. He squints muzzily up at Evgeni.

“I’m want. It’s close name. Was want… we be like family.”

The soft hurt in his voice makes Sidney sit up to look at his face better. Evgeni’s expression makes Sidney feel like he’s swallowed a stone.

“Darling-- I’m so sorry,” he exclaims, drink and exhaustion wringing full honesty from his lips. “I never meant for you to-- I want that too, Zhenya, I want that too.”

Zhenya stares at him, eye wide and lit up rich wood-brown in the morning light. Sidney reaches up and cups Zhenya’s face in his hand. He tugs lightly, just enough for Evgeni to know what he wants.

Zhenya obliges, leaning down and brushing a kiss to Sidney’s cheek. Sidney makes a dissatisfied noise.

“No?” Oh, Zhenya’s voice just then. A deep caressing purr that Sidney feels in his very bones. “What you want, Sid?”

“More,” Sidney breathes. “You.”

Zhenya groans and leans down, his lips finally against Sidney’s own, warm and desperate. He groans into the kiss as Sidney yields to him, lips parting to let him take.

When Zhenya moves from Sidney’s mouth to his neck, Sidney makes a sound that’s almost a gasping sob. Zhenya stills. He presses a series of chaste, gentling kisses to Sidney’s throat, his jaw, the corner of his mouth.

“You drink a lot,” he says. His voice is hoarse, his tone regretful.

“Not-- so very much,” Sidney protests, when he can find his speech again. But Zhenya presses one last kiss to his forehead, and tugs Sidney back down onto his shoulder.

“Rest,” Zhenya insists.

Disappointment floods him, thick and stinging. “If you wish,” Sidney says.

Zhenya, however, makes no answer.

Part 9

[lastsonlost]

“Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?”

You know you know the answer. It’s SpongeBob SquarePants, the iconic cartoon character loved by kids and adults alike, who on Friday turned 20 years old.

The animated sponge spends his days getting into wacky adventures along with his buddies Patrick Starfish, Squidward Tentacles, and Mr. Krabs. And without speaking down to children, the lovable, absorbent square doles out some life lessons along the way.

But a University of Washington professor thinks SpongeBob is violent and racist.

Yes, seriously.

Holly M. Barker has penned a piece titled, “Unsettling SpongeBob and the Legacies of Violence on Bikini Bottom.”

“Billions of people around the globe are well-acquainted with SpongeBob Squarepants and the antics of the title character and his friends on Bikini Bottom. By the same token, there is an absence of public discourse about the whitewashing of violent American military activities through SpongeBob’s occupation and reclaiming of the bottom of Bikini Atoll’s lagoon. SpongeBob Squarepants and his friends play a role in normalizing the settler colonial takings of Indigenous lands while erasing the ancestral Bikinian people from their nonfictional homeland,” reads the abstract for Barker’s piece.

Barker’s abstract asserts that SpongeBob has colonized Bikini Bottom — the underwater home to the lovable characters — and claims the cartoon is “whitewashing” the “violent American military activities” against natives on Pacific islands, specifically the Bikini Atoll in the Marshall Islands, used by the U.S. military for nuclear testing:

This article exposes the complicity of popular culture in maintaining American military hegemonies in Oceania while amplifying the enduring indigeneity (Kauanui 2016) of the Marshallese people, who maintain deeply spiritual and historical connections to land — even land they cannot occupy due to residual radiation contamination from US nuclear weapons testing — through a range of cultural practices, including language, song, and weaving. This article also considers the gendered violence of nuclear colonialism and the resilience of Marshallese women.

The Bikini Atoll remains uninhabitable, and some conspiracy theorists claim the cast of SpongeBob SquarePants were mutated by the testing.

Barker declares that as an “American character” allowed to live there, SpongeBob showed his privilege of “not caring about the detonation of nuclear bombs.”

“SpongeBob’s presence on Bikini Bottom continues the violent and racist expulsion of Indigenous peoples from their lands (and in this case their cosmos) that enables U.S. hegemonic powers to extend their military and colonial interests in the postwar era,” she wrote.

Barker even rips the theme song, saying it denounces Bikini Bottom as full of “nautical nonsense.”

“The song’s directives, ensconced in humor, provide the viewer with an active role in defining Bikini Bottom as a place of nonsense, as the audience is instructed ‘If nautical nonsense be something you wish… drop on the deck and flop like a fish,’ ” she wrote.

Barker says the children’s show is full of gender bias as well, writing, “all of the main characters on the show are male.” Sandy Cheeks, a squirrel that lives underwater with the aid of an old-fashioned diving suit, is, of course, a female, but Barker says she’s just a token.

In conclusion, Barker writes, “We should be uncomfortable with a hamburger-loving American community’s occupation of Bikini’s lagoon and the ways that it erodes every aspect of sovereignty.”

Nautical nonsense, indeed.

[skulkingwriter]

So on Saturday, I was in a concert in the Albert Hall, and had to sit on stage through the first three movements of Beethoven’s 9th which... not to be snarky about an obvious classic, but for me, it is not... the most intellectually engaging piece in the world. So I had to find something to think about, and I was staring up at the shadowy figures in the royal boxes, and... this happened. 

If I could, I would have drawn it, but I can’t, so instead you get the written waffle version. This is out of standard continuity, for reasons that will become obvious. 

Vox Machina are at the opera...

They’ve been given a tip off that something lichy is going to go down during the performance, and have decided to infiltrate. 

Percy is in full De Rolo Mode: impeccably dressed and fantastically snobby, keeping vigilant for lich nonsense and genuinely paying attention to and enjoying the music. He is a annoyed that he couldn’t find a way to smuggle Bad News into the opera with him but his pistol is securely stashed inside Vex’s handbag. Vex is sitting beside him having come in on his arm, gorgeous gown, little mask, opera glasses. She’s loving the pagentry a little more than the opera itself, and now it’s well underway she’s starting to lose focus a bit and getting fidgety. She’s mostly using her opera glasses to watch the crowd - supposedly keeping a sharp eye out for liches, but she’s also spotted two men picking their noses, a couple flirting via passed notes in one of the boxes opposite, and a woman reading a book in the back row. 

Trinket is outside the box eating all the little sandwiches from the picnic trolleys and enjoying himself very, very much.

Keyleth is in a lovely but really unnecessarily complex gown that Vex had to help her get into and which will almost certainly end up on fire before the end of the night. She loves the opera so much you guys, she is leaning on the front railing of the box with her chin in her hands, gasping with every swell of music. She’s basically forgotten about the lich. She’s going to cry.

Next to her: Grog, seeming-ed into a beautifully tailored tuxedo. He looks dapper as fuck with his beard and bald head and little bow tie - he doesn’t like the restricted movement but he does enjoy being dapper. as. fuck. He’s doing his best with the opera: Keyleth is having to help him keep up with the plot and he has a lot of questions about why these people solve all their problems with singing instead of violence – but the music is starting to get to him, and by the end he’s going to have his elbows on the railing right alongside Kiki.

Pike is acting as their ‘bodyguard’, standing by the door to the box – mostly so she didn’t have to take off her armour. She’s going to do a good job of bodyguarding and be vigilant for lich business, but she’s enjoying the opera a lot – and she’s enjoying watching Grog enjoy the opera even more.

Vax declined to put down his daggers and get dressed up and sit in a box for several hours, instead he’s up in the rafters, watching the crowd, waiting for something suspicious to happen. He’s trying not to let himself enjoy the opera too much, because he feels like he needs to be Vigilant, but there are a lot of themes of family and loss and it’s giving him a small case of the feels. Luckily he’s in the perfect position to have a good brood about it without anyone knowing about it, bar the large yellow moth that’s landed on the beam beside him and seems almost as if it’s watching along with him. 

Scanlan is in the orchestra pit. Because Scanlan is conducting the opera. He had about 20 minutes to study the score after getting the real conductor blackout drunk, and he’s having the time of his life. He’s alert for strange goings-on among the players and on the stage but he’ll be damned if this isn’t going to be the greatest performance of The Barber of Zadash these people have ever given.

And meanwhile, in the box next door to VM, the Mighty Nein are at the opera... 

The Gentleman has sent them to keep an eye on the lead soprano, who is a Friend and Investment of his.

Caleb is in his Smart Caleb disguise, sitting perfectly still, suffering patiently through a set of mild flashbacks. At the peak of their training and brainwashing, the three young wizards would attend social events in Rexentrum. He’s remembering enjoying the opera with his friends. He’s not particularly enjoying this one. 

But he’s enjoying it more than his ‘date’, ‘Tracy’. Beau is wearing a slinky gown that she hates, and she’s got her hair down which she hates. She’s completely incapable of sitting still in her chair, and is bored and frustrated out of her mind. This all reminds her of her father’s pretensions to high culture and she hates it. The soprano’s hot, and that’s about all this entire exercise has going for it. She’s going to go to the bathroom four times in the first act. She’s sitting up on her haunches in her chair, spinning a throwing star like a fidget spinner, even though the chair’s really not big enough and her gown really isn’t supposed to stretch that way.

Jester is in the biggest dress with the most skirts any of the Nein have ever seen, absolutely dripping with jewels, gold tips on her horns. She knows and loves this opera – the soprano role is one her mother’s sung many times (and better than this soprano, which she will point out to the others ad nauseum). She’s clutching Fjord’s arm and making comments about how well the orchestra is playing and other versions of this opera she’s seen. He’s looking dapper and slightly stressed in a very nice suit that Jester insisted on actually purchasing for him even though he could absolutely have made himself look like this by magic. It’s got nautical buttons. He’s not really paying attention to the opera – he likes it well enough but this whole thing is making him deeply suspicious. He has a bad feeling about it. The Gentleman wouldn’t tell them what danger there was to his soprano. And also he thought he just saw a feather fall out of the rafters. Are there birds in here? There shouldn’t be birds in here, right?

Nott is seeminged as a young halfling girl. She likes the music, but she figures she can enjoy it while sneaking up and down the corridor stealing bits and pieces from the nobles in the other boxes. She avoids the room with the scary-looking gnome cleric standing at the door. At some point, she’s going to come across a bear eating a tray of cucumber sandwiches and they’re going to stare into each others’ eyes for a moment and then Nott will just… back away... 

Yasha’s sitting at the back of their box wearing a loose gown over the top of her normal clothes, and Beau is so angry that she’s got away with doing that - Yasha has no plans to let on how endearing Beau’s fury is. She’s reminded of the circus in a weird way – the trappings of the opera couldn’t be further from the sawdust and grifting and living hand to mouth and town to town… but in some ways it’s exactly the same. She misses Molly, and she misses Toya. And those feelings could be overwhelming, but she refuses to be overwhelmed, so she leans back in her chair, folds her arms and focuses on watching the soprano and the rest of the Nein. At one point, Nugget – who Jester blagged into the theatre as an emotional support dog – bamfs into her lap, and Yasha spends the rest of the opera petting him.

Caduceus is utterly enchanted – mostly with the intricacy of the orchestration and the costumes. He gave up following the plot and now he’s just watching the players’ fingers move. It’s the time he’s ever seen something like this and he’s amazed. He’s disguised as a human but he’s still so tall he has to sit in the back row of the box and can still see perfectly. He’s also seen Vax up in the rafters, but doesn’t think anything of it. After all, it must be a great vantage point to watch the stage from, he sort of wishes he’d thought of that. 

At some point, Jester realises that this is a great opportunity to make a little mischief for the Traveller, and sends a thaumaturgical fart that looks, sounds and smells as if it’s come from the conductor in the orchestra pit, right at a crucially quiet moment. The front row of the orchestra falter slightly in their playing, and the gnome in the tux turns around briefly, with an expression like he knows exactly what just happened, and his eyes lock on the giggling tiefling and then the soprano reaches a high note and liches explode out of the trap doors on the stage and everyone in the royal boxes rolls for initiative... 

[amyboodoesitforthechildren]

A new blog, a new dog, same old bitch.

I am devastated to announce that my former blog, that I have had for almost a decade, is nowhere to be found.I loved that shit. It was my history. My twenties... though my twenties were filled with boyfriends, booze, and taking a lifetime worth of selfies ( I am so sorry, I blame it on being bullied in middle school) now we are on to a new blog, in the beginning of my thirties.

How have I been? Well since my last blog, I believe I was in a courtship with a 20- something year old Skateboarder. He doesn’t do social media, so I wont hold back.

HUGE WASTE OF MY LAST TWO YEARS OF MY SAID TWENTIES. Oh. My. God. Maybe I was conceited enough to stay with him, because we looked VERY much alike. He was controlling. Voted for Trump. Made fun of my beloved cat on the regular... and had a very close relationship with the woman who gave birth to him. I mean... it wasn’t good. But, your Amy stayed for two years. Want to hear the worst story ever that came during that relationship? Here we go.

If you know me, you know I want to get married. Probably for the wrong reasons. I want the dress... the flowers... the nautical theme... and all of the pizza and Phillips vodka people can eat and drink. This young man asked the then 29 year old Amy... if she wanted to go look at wedding rings so he could have an idea on what to get her. Take ME ring shopping?? Even though I knew this guy was a complete dicknose, I wanted to experience this shopping date! **WARNING** If you are close to me currently, you know how this story goes. We go to Burnsville Mall... Ok, you know this shit is fucked when you’re looking at the Burnsville Mall... and this.. quite heavy, oily, short gentleman is behind the glass cases of endless rings. He right away spots the couple, wearing matching Thrasher shirts and Carharrt beanies, and offers his suggestions. I look to the boyfriend and see that he is sweating profusely and looks like he’d rather be having an colonoscopy. I speak to the creepy gentleman and say what I had in mind...He turns to the BF and asks him what he thinks. I put a ring on my finger. Princess cut. BF starts stuttering nonsense, and turns around and bolts for the nearest escalator by the Auntie Annie’s pretzel shop. I am mortified. The Ring nazi starts demanding to know what just happened and what my BF’s deal was. I tearfully give back the ring and go after the Skateboarder. He was fast. Even without wheels. Needless to say that we ended things after. For months I thought I left my Carharrt leggings at his apartment, but alas, they were in one of my totes. THANK MOSES.

Fast forward a year later. At the beginning of January, my new dog Bernie Sanders and my Cat (Zoe Cat) move to my dream apartment in downtown Minneapolis. Perfect placement. Perfect kitchen. I am happy.

I must warn you, most of my blogs are usually hilariously on point and will make you laugh your dick off... but we are playing catch up here, so bare with me.

During the beginning of 2019, I am dating the boy I have had a crush on since I was 11. He does not want things to be “official” but he says he likes me and he took me to a Prince themed Timberwolves game... and has this adorable smile whenever he looks at me. I am smitten. I am assuming that some day he wont mind that we go public (via photograph, fb relationship status, etc) I am just stoked. Well, if you know me, which you probably wont want to after this depressing ass blog post, you know that if I like someone i REALLY like someone. This scares me. After a few nights of cocktails, and this relationship really not moving to where I want it to, I musk the courage to end things. He says no. He tells me to give it time, and the relationship means a lot to him. Cut to two days before Valentine’s Day.  He comes up from his remote country town that I can not name because the majority of mutual friends will know who it is. He looks at me and says “Yeah Amy, I just don’t feel the spark anymore. I’m leaving now.” There’s more, but for my sanity, I will leave it at that.

SIX months of hoping, wishing, waiting... my heart was crushed. He left a case of beer after he left... I threw it out. Salty.

With a heavy heart and huge tits, I have a little pity party for a week.

Then one day, I dress up, put on a healthy amount of make up, blast Cardi B and go to work. Upon arriving to work, one of the gentleman working on a maintenance request for my campus asks me out to dinner. I haven’t been asked out randomly by someone who I had absolutely no history with - for years.

We didn’t go out, and I am pretty sure his ex got my number some how and harassed me, but it gave me a little boost and I thank him for it. I, of course, wont be actually thanking him, but a nice spiritual thank you was had.

Well, if you took time to read this manifesto-length blog, I thank you. I love you.

Here we go for another ride.

Love,

Your Amy

[aion-rsa]

Kamp Koral: SpongeBob’s Under Years Unveils New Trailer (Exclusive)

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We heard that nautical nonsense might be something you wish. If that’s the case, then Nickelodeon and Paramount+’s Kamp Koral: SpongeBob Under Years might just be what the Purple Doctorfish ordered. 

Kamp Koral is a SpongeBob prequel that will present all your favorite characters in their “under years” as young campers at the titular Kamp Koral. The series is set to arrive on March 4 on the newly rebranded ViacomCBS streaming service Paramount+.

ViacomCBS has not been stingy in doling out bits of the prequel. During this year’s Super Bowl, Kamp Koral received a lengthy first look. Now Nick has provided another exclusive peek at the show to Den of Geek in the form of a full trailer. Go ahead and give it a watch below. 

The narration in this trailer just reminds us of how many iconic locations and characters SpongeBob SquarePants has thrust into the cultural lexicon during its more than 20 years on the air. But before the Pineapple, and before the Krusty Krab, there was simply Kamp Koral.

As promised by previous marketing material: the whole gang really is here. Sandy is present and accounted for, albeit with some braces and adorable pink glasses (guess she got contacts as an adult squirrel). Patrick is at camp, belly shirt and all, and is happy to point out “that kid with the pants!” Of course, that “kid with the pants’s” pants are as square as ever. 

Also present are some of the characters in SpongeBob’s world. Mr. Krabs seems to be involved as a counselor in this camp in some capacity, as does Larry the Lobster. Squidward is here too, boasting a whistle that certainly no one will respect the authority of. The most intriguing inclusion, however, is Plankton as a cafeteria cook. While this may have some strange effects on the SpongeBob continuity, it’s nice to see Plankton fulfilling the Chris Meloni in Wet Hot American Summer role here.

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Nickelodeon’s official synopsis for Kamp Koral reads: “Kamp Koral: SpongeBob’s Under Years is the first-ever SpongeBob SquarePants spinoff. The CG-animated prequel series follows 10-year-old SpongeBob SquarePants and his pals during summer sleepaway camp where they spend their time building underwater campfires, catching wild jellyfish and swimming in Lake Yuckymuck at the craziest camp in the kelp forest, Kamp Koral.”

The first six episodes of Kamp Koral season 1 will be available to stream on Paramount+ on March 4. The remaining seven episodes will premiere at a later date.

The post Kamp Koral: SpongeBob’s Under Years Unveils New Trailer (Exclusive) appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[6ix-dragons]

FTFI: 100 Years Quest; The FOURTH and FIFTH Chapters!

(Be advised; the latest spoilers for 100 Years Quest, can be found below!)

Me: Oh, under the sea...under the sea...

“Hey, dude, what are you doing?”

Me: Darling, it’s better, down where it’s wetter...

“Why are you singing that song?”

Me: Because...I was thinking of it, when I saw all of them there.

“You know that doesn’t fit the tone of what’s actually happening, ‘though.”

Me: Ah, I'll still play it out in my head, anyway. By the way, did you capture that moment between those two? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

If nautical nonsense be something you wish...

SPONGE—nah, I’m not gonna do that! xD Besides, all of you should know how the rest goes, from years of watching that show. 

In all seriousness, ‘though, there were definitely some turns, then and there...and then there’s something in the chapter that’s been bothering me.

Anyway, we start off the fourth chapter, with a nice chapter cover of Erza doing what she does best—not the fanservice, mind you, but the use of swords. In fact, her abilities with them, do remind me of a certain swordsman from another series...I just can’t quite put my finger on it.

Oh, okay, okay! I’m getting back to the actual chapter itself, alright?? So, we actually begin chapter #4, with Team Natsu already in the port city of Elmina, and where they find themselves booking the night at Hotel Journey. Note how the entire city appears, in the first panel, of the first page. Looks kinda normal, right? Well, it won’t be, as you’ll find out soon!

Now, speaking of the intro theme from Spongebob...we have, what appears to be somebody dropping on the deck desk, and flopping like a fish! The entire team is confused over this—save for Happy, who has an obvious tendency for all things fish. Well, he actually is an anthropomorphic fish who can transform into his human form.

And, transform into that form, he did! This fish-turned-human, who goes by the name of Kashima, is actually the manager and receptionist of the hotel that they’re going to be staying at. Poor Happy...I feel for him, already. xDD

Suddenly enough, Kashima leaves for a date with somebody named Sameko. Before he even does, ‘though, he gives the most sternest warning to the entire group: they must drink the complimentary potions that were left in their rooms—otherwise, they will not survive around here (and, for good reason!). 

Despite whatever concerns there were, not only for the hotel they’re staying at, but also the potions themselves that come across as toxic-looking...they go through with the risks, by both staying at that hotel, and consuming the potions!

Nighttime falls, and we get to see why Kashima warned them about taking the potions, in advance. Now, remember when I mentioned way above in the beginning, about how the entire port city looked so normal, during the daytime? Well, that’s because it really is, during the day. It’s only during the night-time, when everything becomes totally underwater...as Gray finds out!

What’s even more surprising to him, is the fact that he can actually breathe and talk, while being underwater! And, as he finds the entire city being submerged with ocean life freely sprawling around...he also finds the rest of Team Natsu swimming around—in their beach attire, no less. 

Turns out, as Kashima elaborates to him, the city is truly a city for fish creatures only. The only time it does become for one for them, is when it’s high-tide: that’s when the city sinks under the water. It’s also the reason why every inhabitant of the town—including Kashima himself—turn into their human forms, when it isn’t out at high-tide. 

While this is going on, Lucy shares a story that she read before, with Wendy. A fairy tale, if you will ;)

She goes on about the story of a boy who saves a bullied turtle, and as a reward, the turtle takes the boy to his ocean world. When asked by Wendy about what happens to the boy...oooh, she struggles with it, stating that the boy got turned into a jellyfish. Poor Wendy. xDDD That being mentioned, it’s also worth noting that this becomes foreshadowing of some sort (in the same vein as the jellyfish people that get blown away by her, from the previous chapter)...which would also be unfortunate to said Sky Dragon Slayer, later on. 

Nevertheless, given how friendly these actual fish citizens are, with their interactions with our favourite Fairy Tail mages...how would they react, when asked about the Water God Dragon himself? 

Not too well, as Gray finds out. 

Rrright away, as soon as those words come rrright out of his mouth, all the fish inhabitants immediately turn against all of Team Natsu! Like, really, they do! Those fish that Happy was gleefully chasing at? They’re now the ones chasing him! That shark Erza was competing with, earlier? She instantly becomes the female equivalent of Jaws (not to mention, her name is Samemi, not Sameko)! Suddenly, everything seems like they’re in a horror movie that involves dangerous fish—whether it’d be Piranha, Barracuda, or just about anything that features a shark...they’re in a whole new league of trouble! About 20,000 leagues worth!

Then, we have a good ol’-fashioned fanservice moment (as is tradition!), involving Lucy losing her entire top, from one of the aggressive fish. I mean, seriously, when hasn’t there been a time when Lucy didn’t become a constant, sexual fanservice magnet of sorts? Well, Natsu isn’t pleased with the way it went, so he comes to save the person he likes to be ‘together forever’ with her! ;)

Not wanting risk a confrontation with the inhabitants, however, the entire team retreats from the premises. Although, as they do, Kashima screams at the others that they’re like the humans ‘from the other day’—and it raises suspicions from Gray. 

Meanwhile, back in Magnolia, the Strauss sisters have a talk with the new guild member, Touka. Here, she reveals that her magic type is the same as Juvia...and speaking of Juvia, she isn’t amused by this revelation—especially so, when Touka talks down on the one she actually loves. 

Before Juvia can even raise hell on her, Gajeel stops her from doing so, not wanting to set her off...even stating that they wouldn’t, ‘until we’ve got them by the tail’. 

Speaking of which...a literal tail appears out the back of Touka, right underneath her dress! 

...And, this is where we begin the fifth chapter! 

Right off the bat, both Gajeel and Juvia are surprised to find an animal-like tail popping up underneath her skirt. Lily also finds out about it, too, but Levy still isn’t as convinced, as they are. Personally, I have a few theories as to who Touka really is, but that’ll be saved for the discussion portion of this post.

So far, we’ve already seen our well-known mages from the titular guild. But, what about the other characters that we’ve seen much of, from the other guilds? Well, you’d be pleased to know that they’re also making their appearances in this spin-off sequel!

Let’s begin with the Sabertooth guild, for one. Who else is happy to see both Aguria sisters side-by-side—long after they were reunited together, in the Alvarez arc? Another positive development from this, is the fact that Sorano has become a new member of the aforementioned guild! Isn’t that nice, as well?

But, wait! What is Sorano doing in the Sabetooth guild, anyway...aside from becoming their new member? If I recall correctly, she used to be part of Crime Sorciere, after the Tartaros arc. And, who happened to be one of the founding members of this guild, I wonder?

Yep, he’s back, ladies and gentlemen! Not long after he was pardoned by the Queen of Fiore, Jellal has surfaced to the forefront again, via a visit to the guild. And, it isn’t just him who makes another brand new appearance—I mean, what was the point of this next scene taking place at the Sabertooth guild, without those Twin Dragons we’ve come to know and like, themselves?

Sting and Rogue (who are in totally different attire, by the way) enter the frame, greeting him into their guild. When they do ask him what he’s actually around for...that’s when things get quite more interesting. 

As it ties in with what Gajeel and Juvia doing back at their guild, Jellal is definitely looking for a person of interest, letting the other members of Sabertooth to lend them his hand. That person of interest? Wait for it...

*takes a deep breath* 

...Touka. 

Or, that’s how she goes by, as he puts it. Her real name isn’t known, according to him, and the reason for starting this investigation on her, has something to do with an past—but, unspecified—incident. What exactly happened, and when did it exactly happen, nobody knows for sure, except for Jellal. All that he can say, however, to all of Sabertooth, is that they shouldn’t approach her under any circumstances. Now, that’s a little foreboding, don’t you think?

Before I continue on, I just want to point out a small part that happens before his warning, and it would please some Jerza fans about it. Notice how Jellal stumbled in his response, to Minerva’s teasing. Now, don’t tell me that he’s not romantically involved with a certain scarlet-haired woman, based on that! ;D

Now, we go back to Elmina, where all of Team Natsu has successfully escaped the wrath of its inhabitants. They’re in an alleyway of sorts, just hanging around there, until the heat dies down. However, they’re still in shock over what transpired from moments ago, with all those town folk going after them, for even the slightest mention of the Water God. 

Then, we see one of the best parts of this chapter. Well, aside from Lucy figuring out that the townspeople there may not even be ill-intentioned, in general...she’s doing so, while actually being covered up by Natsu’s own scarf!

*fanboy squealing occurs*

Oh, twist my arm, if I didn’t see that coming from a kilometre away! xD 

And, it gets even better, as Natsu decides that he wants his scarf back—so, he tries to yank it away from her, just because he ‘felt like it’! You sure that’s not the only reason for doing that, Natsu? ;D

Anyway, Lucy’s finally switched over to her Aquarius star-dress (also another subtle hint of bigger things ahead), when she does point out that there has to be a better way of dealing with the Water God Dragon himself. It’s all based on what the guild master, Elefceria, wants them to do: seal the dragons. Except, of course, that objective is quite vague, as to what it really means. As Lucy explains, ‘seal’—in such a context—could mean any method to defeat the dragon, without the use of violence. 

Just like that, every single member of the team is convinced to go with what Lucy suggested. Except, for Natsu. He does go along with the plan on going up against their opponent, albeit reluctantly. And, this is where I take a bit of an issue with his view that comes up afterward.

Despite knowing that not all dragons are evil, Natsu still believes that if there’s ever a time when one of his allies is put into danger, he’ll react with violent force against the enemy. Here’s the issue that I see in it. If you recall from chapter 543 of the original manga (that’s the part where Natsu confronts Acnologia), you’ll find that Natsu outright opens up his beliefs about how dragons should be more respectful, to those who aren’t dragons themselves. 

Having such a view like that, and threatening to bring violence against those dragons, don’t really mix well with each other. I can see why some readers would be put off by this particular disconnect, but I can also understand why Natsu would still want to use violent means against them. I mean, he’s willing to defend his teammates from being potentially harmed by those dragons, and it very well is a valid exception for his original viewpoint. But, regardless, something like this just demonstrates the inconsistency in writing that has plagued this series, going back from the original manga itself. 

All this aside, all of Team Natsu is on board with the plan, starting with the investigation into what happened before they all arrived at the town. Given the already-unwelcome presence as humans, however, Lucy devises a way around it: have Gemini turn all of them into fish! 

This is another part where I have a bit of trouble with, as there was nowhere near mentioned before, about how Gemini’s powers have expanded. I mean, we saw something like this, in the filler arc that was the Eclipse Celestial Spirits...but that was filler, eh! Although, taken into account of the gap between the end of the Tartaros arc, and this current one—it’s plausible to believe that the power of her celestial spirits improved signficantly, over the course of time. 

Anyway, all of them are now fully disguised as fish...save for poor Wendy, who gets turned into a jellyfish! Man, I feel for her. It’s not as if blowing a bunch of jellyfish people away, and Lucy’s story of a boy being turned into one, had to do with it, ‘though!

So, they all split up to investigate, and we see Gray being quickly confronted by none other than Kashima himself. Yeah, remember that guy—er, fish?

Gray does ask him about what happened to the humans from the other day, to which Kashima responds, by pointing out something sinister. And, as Natsu finds a human scent, taking Lucy and Happy along with him...the hotel’s manager tells Gray that they had captured such. 

The chapter concludes with all three of Natsu, Lucy, and Happy, finding a woman with a mysterious guild mark on her upper arm, chained to a cell’s metal bars. That woman, according to Kashima, will be served as a sacrifice to the Water God. Oooooo...

Alright, here are the Questions of the Chapter: What kind of magic does Touka use, and who really is this imprisoned woman? 

Touka’s magic type is as mysterious, as that chained woman, but it still demands an answer. I’ve seen some fans mention that she probably uses some sort of copy magic—considering that she was sitting right next to Lisanna (whose Take-Over magic gives her the ability to appear with an animal’s tail). However, I’ve seen others state that it’s probably another type of magic, perhaps one that’s similar to what Briar (whom Touka mentioned, herself) uses. Maybe Mashima and Ueda would surprise us, by revealing her exact type of magic, later on. 

As for that woman in chains...I’ve seen fans speculate that she could be one of the God Dragons herself—although, it seems rather dubious, considering she’s being used as a sacrifice to the Water God Dragon. There’s another group stating that she could be a dragon slayer herself, and there could be some truth to it, given the underlying context of the situation.

I don’t know, everybody. What do you all think?

Aside from it, what do I personally think of this chapter, overall? I’d say it’s fine, but I do have my concerns with the aforementioned parts, with Natsu’s ‘conflicting’ viewpoint, and Gemini’s expanded powers that went unexplained in previous chapters. Even with them. ‘though, I can hardly wait for the next chapter to drop. 

Okay, so that is it, for this one. Lots of thanks to those who have read this, from the top. Click on the heart to like this post; hit that ‘Follow’ button, for more FT-related content (including these posts); reblog this, to all your friends...and, things are really starting to amp up in the deep blue sea, huh?