#reaching my limit. need the catharsis of a good sob

[sunhalf]

i need one of u 2 give me angst that makes me cry

[popi-the-fatui]

CHILDE BF HCs

(that no one asked for but here they are anyways)

A/N: this man needs some luv. Long post, there is a whole iceberg under the “read more”. Also, I tried to keep a Gender Neutral reader so pls DM me if there are any mistakes!!

TW: DESCRIPTION OF AN ANXIETY ATTACK, SPOILERS FOR THE REX LAPIS QUEST AND CHILDE’S PAST, a little bit of angst

🐋 Let’s bust some myths first: contrary to popular belief, Childe has no experience at relationships or intimacy at all. Non. Cero. The Venn diagram of romantic/intimate stuff and things Childe has done is a void. But it’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s just that he hasn’t had the time to experience any of these things because he is a busy man: between fighting, training and being a Harbinger, there is not a minute left for him to indulge in other things. 

🐋 The problem with this is that Tartaglia is a people’s person. He WANTS to be able to have someone that he can do these things with. At the end of the day, when he comes home tired after a mission, all he wants is someone to be waiting for him with cuddles, hugs, kisses, reassurance, caresses, or just a simple “how did your day go?” Because of this, he has a lot of pent-up love that he has not been able to give. 

🐋 In that note, he is also incredibly touch-starved: not only does he want someone to give that love to, but Childe also craves to receive it. When was the last time he was touched by someone in a context that was not a fight? He loves fighting, obviously: he has trained for a big part of his life to be able to defeat everything and everyone. But he is also just a human, and there are limits to how long a person can go without a loving touch. 

🐋 So when he finally falls victim to the first signs of infatuation, this poor whale man will have an internal battle: do I reach for them? Would they be better off if they never meet me? Will they accept me? Has my reputation already ruined this for me before it even began? How do I approach them? Do I look presentable? Am I going to scare them away? Childe will be torn between wanting to protect you from himself (as the Fatui business is not an easy pill to swallow for everyone) and protect himself from you (his heart would not handle rejection/disgust very well), and wanting to KISS YOU AND HUG YOU AND KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU BECAUSE ARGH WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO ADORABLE.

🐋 So he finally decides to compromise between these two stances, and let YOU decide whether you want him as a friend, a lover or a stranger. He starts greeting you whenever he sees you in the streets, subtly asking if you would like him to join you in your commissions, inviting you for lunch/dinner after a mission so you can recharge your energy, asking if you want to go and share drinks with him and Zhongli. You know, friendly stuff friends do. And he doesn’t even try to hide the happy smile that escapes him whenever you say yes to him: when it comes to you, there is nothing he needs to hide. Well, except for that one thing. 

🐋 He knows that you know he is somehow associated with the Fatui, if his constant trips to the Northland Bank aren’t enough to tell. Usually, Childe dislikes going around things as he much rather hit straight to the point (being the point a fight, a deal or just a simple conversation). But he has grown so addicted to the sensations you make him feel that he can’t help but to try to postpone that tiny little detail about himself for later. He has never had anyone who genuinely wants to spend time with him and that can keep up with him. Childe knows he can be quite intense and that rumors about him aren’t really rumors but WARNINGS, and to finally have someone, even if you’re just friends, that is actively trying to get to know the real him means so much, and he doesn’t want to let that go as selfish as he knows it is because there’s a chance you could get hurt (emotionally and physically). 

🐋 Unfortunately for him, everything that goes up must go down, and that fateful day comes when his plans to take Rex Lapis’ Gnosis blows back to him. After that brief, tense conversation with La Signora and Zhongli, Childe’s ego can’t be any lower: it’s not often that he loses, and much less often that he loses while feeling like a fool. He wants to scream, fight, punch, kick. Anything to take out the impotence and anger he is feeling right now. 

🐋 You found him in this state while you were looking for him to see if he was alright because a WHOLE ASS PALACE JUST FELL FROM THE SKY and you’re very concerned for him as you haven’t had any news directly from him and all you know is that apparently Childe was the cause of it?

🐋 As soon as he sees you, his blood-lust disappears and he no longer wants to fight something: he wants to cry from shame. Shame at being found in this state. Shame at failing. Shame at what you would think of him now that the cat’s out of the bag because from the look in your face is EVIDENT that now you know how far his relationship with the Fatui goes. 

🐋 He falls to the ground, tears finally coming out and he is crying ugly sobs while hiccuping nonsense about how he is a weak, pathetic, disgusting failure and it’s not fair it’s not FAIR IT’S NOT FAIR IT’S NOT-

🐋 “Look at me” you softly call to him, but he is panicking and hyperventilating and not responding to anything that’s outside of his head, so you decide to sit on your knees in front of him, gently cupping his face with your hands, caressing his tears away with your thumbs. 

🐋 “Childe, look at me. Please?” You try again, carefulness in your tone as to not startle him. And when he finally reacts and looks up, you don’t see Tartaglia the 11th Harbinger, nor Childe the fatui flirt. All you see is a broken man that carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, exhausted from constantly fighting against everything the world has thrown at him, and your heart aches for him and wonders how long this man has suffered alone, how long has he suffered in silence. 

🐋 “It’s okay, Childe. You’re okay. Can you breathe for me?” You position yourself behind him and put your hands on his shoulders, rubbing circles with your fingers to further calm him. “Breath with me, yeah just like that. Now hold it for a bit and then release it. Keep going, I’ll do it with you. I’m here”

🐋 Childe finds himself finding it easier to breathe with each inhale and exhale, and when he is finally going down from his high, catharsis hits him HARD. Is this what he has been missing all of his life? Is releasing all that pent-up frustration supposed to feel this good? And he feels a little selfish, because he knows he doesn’t deserve your comfort after the stunt he pulled, but Childe can’t help but become putty under your tender touches and your soft words, and he wishes for a different context, for a different past in which he never fell into the abyss, never joined the Fatui, never felt that the only way to survive was to fight. Instead, he wishes for a past in which he is traveling because he wants to, and he meets you, and he courts you and makes your cheeks heat up at something he said. And you are not touching him because he had a panic crisis that he himself caused. No, he imagines the both of you after a dinner date in Liyue. The sky is dark and the stars are shining but the streets are still full of people laughing and talking and the light from the lamps are reflecting beautifully in your hair. You are walking near the harbor, and you are holding his hand and he is giving you a kiss on your forehead because he can’t help himself. In another life, he would have found you and loved you the way you deserve and the way he needs. 

🐋 But he knows that now is too late, and all he has left is a mind full of regret because he did, in fact, hurt you. How could you trust him after this? How could you WANT him after this? So imagine his surprise when the first thing that comes out of your mouth is a soft “Are you ok now, Childe?”

🐋 “I- how- what?” He mutters in disbelief. Why are YOU asking HIM that? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

🐋 “You had me very worried back there. I thought you would stop breathing at any moment. You are not hurt, are you?”

🐋 And he laughs. A high-pitched, almost maniac laugh. “You know I was the cause of all of…” he says, moving his arms to signal, well, everywhere “...this, right? I believe you now must know what my real business in Liyue was, and that I’m not just some random Fatui officer”

🐋 “Well… I kind of suspected it? How many ‘random Fatui officers’ are carrying a Vision, huge amounts of Mora and have so many ‘meetings’ at the Northland Bank with the Qixing themselves? I mean, I didn’t know you were a Harbinger, but I did know that you were a higher up in the organization. I’m not dumb, you know?” you answer light-heartedly. 

🐋 “Then why would you keep hanging out with me? If you knew all of that, then you for sure must have known that people tend to keep me in a ‘do not trust�� list. People are wary around me, and they should! If you knew of the things I’ve seen, the things I’ve DONE. The reputation surrounding the Fatui, especially the Harbingers, wasn’t built on nothing, you know?”

🐋 “Don’t get me wrong. I do have somewhat of an idea of the things you do for a living. And let me be clear: I certainly do not condone it. And to be honest, I know that things between us would be easier if you weren’t a Fatui and I actually wish you weren’t one” you can feel how his whole body deflated at that, and even if you are sitting behind him, you just know he has a pout on his face, so you resolve for hugging him from behind and rest the side of your face between his shoulder blades, and continue. 

🐋 “But in the past weeks, I also had the opportunity to get to know you. Not Fatui you. But human you. I know that you have a family that you love very much and you do everything in your power to protect them. I know that you haven’t had it easy, and that some scars you have still hurt. I know that you absolutely can’t eat with chopsticks, but your pride refuses to give up and you try anyway. I know that you’re a passionate man that holds his dearest people close to his heart. I know that you hate when I’m sad so you’re willing to make a fool of yourself if that means I’ll end up laughing. I know how you wait outside of my building until my window lights up after you get me home so you are sure nothing happened to me. I know by the way you sometimes disassociate from the world around you that you are thinking of home and returning to your family” as you speak, you feel something wet falling on your upper arms, and realize that Childe is silently crying. You have half a mind to stop, but you also know that he needs to hear this, so you tighten your hug a little in reassurance. 

🐋 “I also know that whenever I see you with a new wound, I can’t help but worry for you and my first instinct is to check if you are okay. I’m now familiar with the way my heart skips a beat whenever I get to see one of your genuine smiles, especially when the reason behind them is that you get to spend some time with me. I know my eyes soften when I see you talking about something you’re passionate about. The truth is, I care for you, Childe. I really do, Fatui or not. Harbinger or not. And yes, while I would rather you not be one, I still can’t help but long for your company because you make me happy. Because I love you. So don’t underestimate me. I’m strong and so are my feelings. You being a Fatui is not gonna change that”. After this, you two sit in silence for a few minutes, but it’s not an awkward one despite your confession. You know he is gathering his thoughts so you move one of your arms that is wrapped around Childe’s torso to card your fingers through his hair, mindful of the knots that had appeared after the battle. If he doesn’t believe your words, then you sure hope he trusts your actions. 

🐋 Childe is the one who breaks the silence when he asks “How could you possibly love someone like me?”. If you weren’t sitting that close to him, you wouldn’t have heard it. He says this so softly, so gently, almost as if he was trying to convince himself and not you. 

🐋 “Silly boy” you laugh warmly. “Did you hear anything I just said?” You ruffle his hair, and finally, FINALLY, you can hear him giggle a little. “You don’t get to decide who I love. That’s my choice, and I choose to love you”

🐋 No kisses were shared that day. No grand, magnificent romantic gestures were made. Only the silent promise of two young lovers to love and cherish each other as they were. And maybe, just maybe, you could work things out, together, to build yourselves a brighter future. 

🐋 So after all has been said and done: congrats! You are now the proud s/o of Teyvat’s biggest simp. 

🐋 Childe is your number one fan. Everything you do is carefully recorded in his mind for later use. He has to go on a mission away from you? Be prepared to be pampered and being taken on several dates the previous week so this clingy man has something to hold on to. 

🐋 Also: he is shameless. He will not be afraid of making out with you in plain daylight on a busy street. But fear not! If you happen to not be a fan of PDA, he will try to be low-profile. You are, afterall, a person he treasures and can’t live without, so your comfort comes before his needs. Now, I say “try” because he will still demand to hold your hand and give you the random kiss on your cheek. 

🐋 HUGS. FROM. BEHIND. Watch him giving you hugs like Oprah. You are buying something? Cooking? Chilling? Expect to feel a pair of long limbs wrapping from behind you in a tight hug like a koala. It’s his hourly vibe check. 

🐋 Very jealous and protective of you. He is very afraid that one day you’ll realize there are plenty of people better than him and you’ll leave him, so please remind this simp that he is more than enough for you. 

🐋 He also has nightmares from the time he spent in the abyss and will take sometime for him to realize that he is no longer there, so give him a few minutes for him to come to his senses and then please for the love of the Tsaritsa cuddle the life out of him. Also on this note, I have the headcanon that he prefers being the little spoon. That, or facing each other and he rests his face in the crook of your neck while leaving little pecks there. 

🐋 Also you discover, to your surprise and as stated at the beginning , that this man has absolutely no idea how to do relationships. To compensate for this and to give you only the best of the best (as you deserve), he spends time in his travels to read romantic novels to have an idea of what to do, so don’t be surprised if he says or does something corny or cringey. 

🐋 The most chaotic “meet the family” you’ll ever have. As soon as he takes you to Snezhnaya, you will have all of his siblings running and tackling you into a bear hug (he sends A LOT of letters to his family about you and if you read them you would not be sure if he is talking about you or a deity).

🐋 He also tries to keep you out of anything regarding the Fatui. It’s a relief that you finally know about how deep his person runs in the organization, but he also wants to spare you from the details of what he does unless something is really bothering him. 

🐋 All in all, this golden retriever is your biggest hype man and the most loyal boyfriend. You will never get bored with Childe, as everyday is an adventure with him and he will make sure you to make you as happy and loved as you make him feel.

[bakugoulovesme]

Bakugou x Reader

Title: Long Story Short

Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, various pro heroes (mentioned), original character (who is not the reader)

Word Count: 2,783

Warnings: mentions of toxic ex, passing out, hospital visits (dw it’s all good), gross fluff 

Summary:  You had a terrible breakup that made you stop hero work. Now, three years later, you are dating Bakugou Katsuki and you jump back in the saddle.

A/N: Pro hero au! Lmao guys be nice I haven’t written a full fic since 2018.. oof... request headcanons pleeeaaaseee <3 (OOOH OOOH also this is the first of a very tentative series of stories based on Taylor Swift’s albums Evermore and Folklore,, AND this was crossposted on ao3) 

You told yourself never again on a night much like this one, three years ago. You remember it all very distinctly. Nyx had already promised you a change of pace, somewhere as far away from him as you could get. They were standing behind you on the rooftop, a good few paces back. It was considerate, really: giving you space so that you could have your moment of dramatic catharsis. You remember bouncing on your toes once before sparring a glance over your shoulder at them. The blank motorcycle helmet that was a staple of their hero costume stared back at you, emotionless. They offered you a single nod. You turned forward again, facing the wind. You turned the ring over and over in your hand for a few more minutes, longer than you wanted to. It seemed cliché to you even then, when the wound was still so fresh, to get rid of the ring in such an over the top way. But damn, if it didn’t feel absolutely amazing. 

And tonight you are standing atop the roof of that twenty-story building again. And Nyx, lovely Nyx, is standing behind you with their expressionless motorcycle helmet boring into your soul and their harrowing silent wisdom making the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. “I’m not so sure that I’m ready,” you say after a beat. Your hero costume feels strikingly familiar and foreign all that at the same time. You play with the waistband of the jumpsuit absentmindedly. 

“I am,” they say as if it is the easiest thing in the world. Don’t they know how hard this is? Shouldn’t they of all people understand?  “And he is, too.” 

They got you. They always do. 

You heave a sigh—no turning back now. You take a deep breath and remind yourself that you can do this, that you are in fact a capable hero. Three years. You haven’t done this in three years. 

Fuck. Can you do this? What if… 

“I know what you're thinking,” Nyx says, allowing emotion to seep into their tone for the first time tonight. “And, I hate to break it to you, but… you are already doing it.” 

“This is barely a patrol,” you grumble. 

“Not a traditional one, no, but remember you’re still in your trial period. You are technically only my sidekick right now.” You don’t need to see the expression Nyx is wearing to be certain that they are smiling. 

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” 

The universe does not leave you much time to wallow in self-pity. Less than half an hour later, there’s a call. A building is collapsing. The number four hero, Edgeshot, has already taken care of the villain responsible, so it is time for clean-up duty: your specialty. All in a matter of thirty seconds, you shove your helmet onto your head (it matches the one Nyx sports; all of their sidekicks wear them) and run to grab onto Nyx as they teleport you to the scene. Gone is the gentle night air; here, everything is hot. The villain must be using some quirk-enhancing drug. (The damage they caused in their dragon form puts Ryukyu to shame.) Several voices chatter into your ears at once filling you and Nyx in. Nyx was gone the second they dropped you off, working as fast as they could to teleport people out of the upper floors of the building. 

Adrenaline pushes you forward but you are stopped quickly, debris already blocking your path into the ground level of the building. Luck must be on your side tonight because you can see the number two hero, Hawks, fly in as he uses his feathers to aid in the evacuation. You feel comfortable enough to ask Nyx through the helmet to get you inside. And they do. You could not imagine how disorienting it must be for them because, after just your second leap of the night, you are incapacitated for at least fifteen seconds. 

When the world rights itself again, you realize you have already put your shield up to protect yourself from the smoke. It does not take long to find the group of survivors to the left of you, trying—and failing—to break out of a crumbled window. You see eighteen at first glance, but as you approach, you can see a group of children, four of them all huddled together. Twenty-two, then. You drop your shield as you approach them. “Help is here,” you inform them, attempting to keep your sentences short so your helmet will translate them faster. 

“Now, everyone remain calm. Everything will be okay.” Any doubts you had earlier have been seared away. You are met with thankful sobs and incoherent clambering. You direct them to stand around you, as close as they can fit. The children are lifted into their parent’s arms as everyone scrambles forward. As soon as all twenty-two are comfortably within range, you activate your quirk again. One of the children lets out an awed gasp at the buzzing bubble of blue energy that has formed. 

You find yourself smiling. 

“What do we do now?” An older woman asks incredulously, her entire body shaking in fear. 

“We wait.” She opens her mouth to retort, but you continue. “Once the upper floors of the building and the surrounding block are completely evacuated, I will get us out of here.” 

“Are you sure you can do it, Miss Hero?” A little girl asks. “My Daddy says heroes can’t really do anything...”

Her father has the decency to look horrified, but you just laugh. You crouch down to make eye contact with her,  “I’m very sure I can do it. Do you wanna know why?”

She leans away from her father slightly, turning towards you with her eyes full of stars. It takes you a second to reply as you get the go-ahead that everything is clear. Perfect. 

“Because… you are going to help me, of course!” You exclaim, removing your helmet. This forces you to use the translator that you wear around your neck which is not as loud (or clear), but you think it’s a good trade-off. The adults (and the other children)  who were momentarily distracted hearing you speak to the little girl will need the comfort of a human face for the next part, this much you are sure. You gesture for the girl to be put down and you take her hand in one of your glowing ones. A little boy wriggles out of his mother’s grasp and grabs your other hand. You beam. 

“Now you two have a very important job: you have to keep everyone brave!”

“How we s’posed to do dat?” The boy asks. 

“Simple. You will walk with me in the front, okay? We can even sing a little song so everyone knows to keep walking,” you explain with a smile, more genuinely happy than is probably appropriate. The other children wrestle themselves out of their parent’s arms and grab their hands fiercely, ready to help drag them along. The pair holding your hands only take a minute to consider before nodding solemnly. 

The boy leads the little marching tune as you calmly begin leading everyone towards the front of the building. It’s at the moment that your shield touches the front wall that the building comes down. Hard. 

So much for raining small chunks, the full weight of the building crashes down around you. It makes you lightheaded, but you force yourself not to show any distress. You just keep walking, hunks of the building being forced out around the bubble. Suddenly though, something smacks into your shield from the inside and you lurch forward. Your eyes screw shut as you focus completely on regaining control. 

“Daddy!” The little girl yells as she pushes past the group to reach her father, still frozen in shock against the farthest side of the bubble. You didn’t even feel her drop your hand... Before you can contemplate the fate of your other small charge. The boy squeezes your hand tight. You turn to look at him and smile. One hand grips yours and the other grips a younger girl, his sister you presume, who is latched onto their mother, as well. 

You are more out of it than you realize because in no time at all, the girl is back holding your hand, dragging her father behind her. He looks sickly pale. Deep breath. “Everything’s okay. Almost over. Everyone please just keep being brave for me,” you say, squeezing the kids’ hands. 

You close your eyes again and put everything you have into walking normally. Pushing. Pushing. It feels like you let the smoke in; there doesn’t seem to be enough air for you. You can’t remember feeling this tired, at least not in a long time. Just as you reach your limit—when you are certain you are going to fail to leave all these people to get tragically smushed—there is loud cheering. Huh?

You force your eyes open. Floodlights. People. Ambulances. Reporters descending upon the lot of you, now that the danger has passed. You can finally breathe. You drop the shield and fall to your knees. 

Hmm. The ground is warm, and a lot more comfortable than you could have ever imagined. Your last thought before you blackout completely is a barely coherent image of cats rolling around on the warm concrete. 

-

All you can hear is his voice. 

For a second, the sound tricks you. You must be in your bed, at home. The heart monitor comes in second. A wave of nausea hits you as the disorientation sets in. You try to open your eyes but decide against it immediately. You don’t think your eyelids so much as fluttered, how could they when they weigh a thousand pounds each? 

His voice is what grounds you again, makes you feel more centered. You think you might even be able to tell which way is up. You can hear him but you can’t hear him. Your brain is much too full of mush at the moment to hear anything with clarity.  Everything feels sloshy; even still you attempt to move your hand towards the sound of his voice. As soon as you begin moving, his hands have met yours and his voice is softer. You still can’t hear him but you can feel him. His hands, as always, are hot and sweaty. You had always thought your hands were the hottest and the sweatiest, that is until you met Bakugou. 

“Ka-” you try to speak but your voice is much too hoarse from disuse. 

“Teddy bear,” you can finally hear him, “are you okay?”

You rumble in agreement and make a great effort to move your head in a gentle nod. He makes you regret agreeing all within a second. Now he is yelling and your eyes are all but forced open at the sound of it. 

“Katsuki,” you groan.

“What the fuck were you thinking running into a collapsing building, dumbass? You’re still just a fucking sidekick.” 

You huff feeling a little more like yourself the longer you hear him talk. “That’s just a technicality.” 

“Regardless, I…” Katsuki lets out a deep growl, “you fucking scared me, teddy bear.” 

“I’m sorry, Katsu” is all you can think to say as he cups your cheek and leans forward to rest his forehead against your own. You revel in the closeness, even the skin of his forehead is hot against you.  

“I hope you know you aren’t off the hook, idiot, but I am really proud of you,” the glare he fixes you with doesn’t match his words. 

You can’t stop yourself from beaming. 

-

“So, how much time before you get back to being that dumbass’s sidekick?” He asks as he spares a glance from the road to look at you leaned up against the window in the passenger's seat. 

“I should be good to go by Monday, believe it or not.” 

The look he gives you tells you he doesn’t. 

“I’ll call the doctor if you want,” you insist. You ignore the rush of nausea that hits you as you sit up and give him an indignant look. 

He rolls his eyes. He takes a hand off the wheel to push you gently back so you’re resting against the window again. You sigh in relief at the feeling of the cool glass on your cheek. You can see him worry his lip a bit before he bites out, “I believe you.” 

“Hmm I don’t know about that,” you start, “but, I meant it when I said me being a sidekick is just a technicality. I was a big hero before I ever came to Japan and met you.” 

He huffs. Regardless, he nods his head in agreement. He does know that you were a big hero. An annoyingly selfless one too, that’s what got you hurt in the first place. He doesn’t say anything more though, he’s happy enough to let you fall asleep with the words to some stupid song on your lips.  Even if he wasn’t driving he would be wide awake. Seeing you fall to the ground like that made him sick.                           

He shudders. He really thought he was ready for you to start hero work again, but… Seeing you like that was a lot to handle. Almost too much. He knows it’s hard for you too. You’ve had to watch him throw himself into danger countless times at this point. He hasn’t figured out how you handle the stress with such grace. He can practically see the look you would give him if he said that to you, he can practically hear your voice assuring him that the way you handle it is anything but graceful. Why is he imagining this conversation? He could be having it with you. It’s not like you’re dead or--                

“Katsu, you’re going to get wrinkles if all you do is frown all the time. You’ll look like my Grampy,” you laugh as his frown deepens, “Really, babe, what’s wrong?”

He replies immediately, “Nothing. We’re almost home.” 

“I know, but don’t think you can escape a conversation about whatever this,” you gesture at him vaguely, “Whatever this is.” 

He growls as he pulls into the parking garage for the apartment building, but he decides not to comment. Instead, he takes the opportunity to tease you and poke at your ribs as he helps you toward the door. 

Walking mixed with the impromptu tickle fight leaves you weaker than you thought you would be. You almost eat shit in the elevator when he lets go of you for just a second to punch the button to your floor. “Fuck, baby, are you okay?” He launched toward you as soon as you wobbled, catching you with his strong arms around your waist securely. 

You groan softly and bury your face in his chest as the elevator starts to move. “I am now,” you say muffled as you nuzzle your face against his pecs. 

“Perv,” he spits out, pushing your face away while still keeping an arm around you to keep you upright. He has to drag you down the hall to your shared apartment because you are so stubborn: refusing to be carried while being virtually unable to walk. He knows that’s a large part of why he loves you so his griping is lighthearted. 

He leads you to the couch and plops you down onto the cushions. “You stay here. I mean it. I’m going to make that dumb recipe your mom told me about,” he says. He turns shuffling off to find his apron. 

Your stomach turns, but this time in a much more pleasant way. He’s so fucking cute sometimes it makes you sick. Warmth settles over you as you pull the burgundy throw blanket over your shoulders and lie your head down on the scratchy decorative pillows. Everything feels a million times more comfortable now that you are comparing it to the impersonal feeling of a hospital bed. 

Well, now everything feels different. Hero work felt different. Talking to Nyx felt different. Waking up in a hospital bed too, didn’t feel as hollow as you remember. You know it’s because of the idiot you can hear maneuvering around the kitchen. He makes everything feel exciting, it’s nothing like before. The apartment is warm, and the couch is a lot more comfortable than you could have ever imagined. As you fall asleep for the first of many sorely needed naps you think of the yearly fireworks your town had as a kid and how alive you felt listening to them. In the other room, Katsuki sparks off a mini-explosion to light the stove.

[chalkrevelations]

Episode 35 of Word of Honor, and I AM NOT OK. I think we all know how this is going to go, so we may as well get to it.

(Spoilers. Keep scrolling and come back later, if you want to watch it unspoiled.)

I dunno, maybe don’t expect any deep analysis in this one? I’m really just a mess of feelings, because THAT MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCKER. You’re right, Wen Kexing, that it should have been a longer, more painful death. I forgive you, though, because I wanted to snap his neck, as some poetic justice. GOD, I could see it coming, as soon as Mo Huaiyang reached out and put both of his hands on Cao Weining’s jaw. As soon as his fingers touched Cao Weining’s face, there was a voice in my head, shrieking, “get him OFF of him, don’t let him touch him, he’s going to …” And what makes it even worse, if that’s possible, is that he had Cao Weining in such emotional distress before it happened. But, can we take just a minute and go back to this, the theme threaded through the show, this word of honor, embodied in these two men, Zhou Zishu and Cao Weining, reflections of each other, both of whom are now in the position of dying for the person they love, reflections of each other: I won’t fail you. And Cao Weining pleads this case to his shifu, kneeling in the sand and the dust and the barren rock of the Ghost Valley, where multiple women who have been failed, over and over, have sought refuge. Where a girl who was raised in all this could have had the chance to escape it, if Wen Kexing hadn’t turned out to be tragically, prophetically correct when he told her humans and ghosts can’t mix. In any kinder magical universe, fucking flowers would have sprung up around Cao Weining as he knelt in front of his asshole shifu and renewed the vow that he’d already made, multiple times, to the woman he loved, where he stood by it, even unto death, where he met his end in the Valley of Ghosts, in the land of the dead where his wife apparently wasn’t allowed to leave and he wouldn’t leave her behind. And then she follows him into death, just as he vowed he would follow her. In her own way, the way she knows how, she follows him into death. I suppose those bracelets from Wu Xi from the previous ep are supposed to be some comfort, particularly since we actually saw them closed around both wrists, and they echo, again, the vow Cao Weining already made to Gu Xiang, to be reincarnated with her, but right now, they are some cold comfort. This is not the pairing I expected to be torn apart over, when I started watching this show.

I have to give them props - especially, again, Zhou Ye - because I had about a minute and a half of grief, and then I, right along with A-Xiang, was consumed by rage that wanted nothing more than to see Mo Huaiyang die slowly and painfully. And then even as my heart was pushing for this, I kept remembering WKX’s conversation with Chengling in the last ep about the three Ghosts in the cold pool, and the philosophical conversation at the tip of Ye Baiyi’s sword in Ep 27 re: retributive vs. restorative justice, and the shift in WKX from wanting to burn down the world to being satisfied with exposing Zhao Jing, and how proud his shixiong was of WKX for not just stabbing Zhao Jing in the face right there in front of everyone, and the effect all of that must have had on Chengling. And then on the other other hand, even as all of this was going through my head, I wanted Mo Huaiyang flayed alive. His death scene was hella gratifying, I’m not gonna lie – this was the kind of catharsis I didn’t get from the interminable fight scene with Zhao Jing, and I’m trying to convince myself it was the pacing, and the fight choreography, not just the sated bloodlust that made the difference. But I felt that sneer on Gong Jun’s face, he was great in that scene, although I suppose it’s not great for WKX’s soul, to be back where we came in, in Ep 1, with the signature Ghost Valley Master choking move in the signature Ghost Valley Master blood-red robes. It sure did feel good, though, and I suppose that’s the seductive appeal of backsliding on your ethics.

I also was pretty impressed that as much as they’ve built up the zhiji relationship between WKX and ZZS, all of it disappeared for WKX in the face of his meimei’s death – as soon as he cradled his dying little girl in his lap, no, as soon as he saw her down on the ground, he was blind to anything else. I really appreciated it, that this little girl who WKX saved and was saved by mattered so much to him that nothing else mattered, to the point that as he’s getting ready to die, he tells her to wait for him because he’ll be there with her in just a minute, he’s on his way to her, without a single apparent thought for anything or anyone else he’ll be leaving behind. It gave their relationship so much weight - a weight that helped make both of them such complex characters, I think. During her death scene, I couldn’t help thinking about the last time we saw A-Xiang this wracked with emotion as they talked, the fear and pain in Ep 23, when she was curled up protecting all the tenderest, most vulnerable places, speaking not only for herself, but for all the things Wen Kexing couldn’t yet say and show, at that point, and now to see them both sobbing and curled into each other just about killed me, particularly when this episode was the realization of all the worst fears of that episode.

Also, yes, all the super-manipulative flashbacks scenes of Cao Weining and then Gu Xiang and then Cao Weining/Gu Xiang absolutely worked on me, along with both of A-Xiang’s goodbyes to WKX – including the one when ZZS apparently used the Drunk-Like-A-Dream on him and A-Xiang telling him she was OK and with her parents was the thing WKX wanted most in the world - and I spent a good part of the episode a snotty mess. I don’t know, did anything else actually happen in this episode?

Oh, yeah, the truth about the (lack of) Seven Nails came out, and while it was an appropriately emotional scene, although only about a minute long and lacking WKX’s reaction, boo show, it also was buried under a mountain of trauma that had already happened.

Other things that also happened:

Not precisely an other thing, but maybe tangential - I remember thinking, wondering - with a detached part of my brain that wasn’t shrieking a danger alarm, as I sat there watching Mo Huaiyang’s hands on Cao Weining’s face, KNOWING what was going to happen at any minute, and helpless to stop it – I remember wondering if this was some kind of commentary on religious (or other) fanaticism, on compulsions so strong that you’ll literally and figuratively sacrifice your own children in the most horrifying ways and think you’re righteous for doing it, and that reaction was only strengthened by Mo Huaiyang’s language to WKX that he needed to “cleanse” his sect. Wen Kexing wasn’t wrong when he said that evil doesn’t just reside in the Ghost Valley. Also, we’re told later in the ep that Mo Weixu is still missing – is that Cao Weining’s da-shixiong? Oh my god, Wikipedia tells me he’s Mo Huaiyang’s son. Wasn’t it implied then, that Mo Huaiyang killed him, too, along with Fan Shishu?

Oh, wow. So, when Liu Qianqiao said “Loser Boyfriend? I don’t know him.” she literally didn’t remember him. So, Water of Lethe, then? My dude was not expecting that, particularly after he just saved her. Well, I guess you’re dying together after all, you and your girlfriend and her girlfriend. (Rocks fall, everybody dies. That felt a bit meh.)

Finally, nope, we’re done, Xie’er. I mentioned at some point earlier that I had a hard limit, and that was hurting A-Xiang, and indirect responsibility COUNTS, with your little deal with Mo Huaiyang, and not even a double-cross gets you out of this, so you are dead to me. (I did like your moment over Beauty Ghost’s death, though. Are you having a little, tiny, digging-a-grave-with-a-sword moment? Y’all have been a little weird about each other since you met.)

[hoodlessmads]

Bloom Into You Chapter 40 Immediate Thoughts

It was exactly what was promised and exactly what I needed. What WE ALL needed. The only remote complaint I have is that Nakatani-sensei didn’t show the kiss at the end.

But alas, left to the imagination, it was still cute. I suppose. *deadpan look at camera*

Not only was it exactly as promised (or rather, as suggested by the last few pages of chapter 39), but it was exactly what I expected, in the best possible way. This somehow calls to mind that amazing Mr. Plinkett review of The Last Jedi. Can you imagine if Rian Johnson wrote chapter 40 of Bloom Into You? Subverting all of our expectations? (No shade, I jest, I like TLJ.)

Anyway, Nakatani-sensei is as in touch with her own characters as I feel I am in touch with them, thank the gods (or in this case the lesbian goddesses). Yuu and Touko bust ass to get to the student council room, both desperate to see each other. Yuu acknowledges to herself that she is still in love with Touko. Kokoro no ichi ga wakatta yo, as the song goes. But when she gets to that empty room, the adrenaline of the message and the run slips away and she’s left in darkness and solitude, and all of her doubts and apprehension come rushing back immediately. What does Nanami-senpai even want to talk about, anyway? Does Yuu dare to hope? What if what she has to say just breaks her heart all over again? Yuu finds herself waiting and thinking there’s no way Nanami-senpai would run as fast to get here as she did.

Except she totally does, of course. Touko arrives out of breath, sees Yuu’s mistrustful reaction and cuts straight to the chase with a returned love confession. Yuu’s reaction to Touko openly returning her feelings is just confusion at first. Maybe she’s desensitized to Touko saying, “I love you,” even now. Touko just goes on to calmly explain exactly what she means. And Yuu calmly listens. Asks clarifying questions. Works through her own hesitations, her lingering mistrust of the concept of “love.”

The implacable way that Yuu processes her own emotions is always one of the most interesting things to watch. Which is why when she finally, finally cries, it’s so god damn moving. Never in this entire series have we seen this girl cry. Ever. After all the shit she’s been through with Touko, where she’s had plenty of reason to cry, she never did. She locked it away inside. When she gets her heart broken by Touko, Yuu doesn’t cry because she can’t process the pain of it. She describes it as though her heart has gone off somewhere without her. It’s only at the end of the last chapter that she finally allows herself to feel. She’s always struck me as someone who’s quite similar to myself in this way; she refuses to let herself be vulnerable, she heavily dissociates herself from painful emotions and traumatic experiences, and on the flip side she hasn’t been able to find much passion in anything either. She strikes me as the type of person who has rarely cried, maybe in her whole life. So when she cries here, just like fucking lets go and sobs for the first time, finally, I’m dead.

And on the flip side, there’s Touko, who has managed to finally find some peace in her life after the play—but that’s not the instant end of her problems, and that is so important. She’s been living with this unbearably heavy burden for seven years. She’s been living with this pain for so long. It’s not just magically gone. When she holds Yuu’s hands and tells her that she wants to be loved, Yuu even notices this. Her hands are shaking because she’s still scared, in spite of everything. She’s terrified and yet she still pushes forward, because she knows that this is a good thing, and that this is what she wants in her heart. And that’s what I like about her. And when Yuu has her own do-over confession and starts crying, Touko wholeheartedly accepts her and her feelings, she’s there to hold her, not just because she knows how hard it’s been on Yuu bottling it in, but because she’s learning to embrace her own happiness at hearing those words. For herself. These characters are just such good people. So pure.

And don’t even get me started on how fucking cute the scene afterward is! Murder me!

This whole chapter is just one giant long…talk? Like? Characters? Talking to one another? Amazing.

Yuu HUGS her and CRIES and says, “Suki desu. Suki. Daisuki.” “I love you, I love you, I love you so much.” She said it THREE times!!! Not counting the first time!!! DAISUKI, dude!!! I’m dying!!!

Touko KISSES her TEARS. We got a “Geez” up in here!!! We got a “Senpai” and fucking FOREHEAD TOUCH up in here. We got a height difference Yuu-initiated OFF PANEL KISS UP IN HERE. I’m LITERAL MUSH.

What’s going to happen next?! Is the rest of the student council going to leap out of the bushes, yell “SURPRISE! CONGRATULATIONS!” and embarrass everyone? Are the two of them going to take things back to someone’s room and finally satisfy the UST? CUDDLING???

No, in all seriousness, I’m expecting some kind of brief timeskip to at least the next day after they’ve said goodbye for the night and then neither of them can even sleep because they’re so excited and cute, and then…I’m really not sure. Chapter 40 was purportedly the first chapter of Volume 8, which will be the last volume. Last volumes typically have bloated lengths to wrap up series, but not necessarily. So we could have anywhere from four to six chapters left before the end. What’s next for these lovely characters as we hurtle towards the resolution?

My heart really wants this series to remain as grounded as it has always been. Now that Yuu and Touko appear to have resolved their personal issues within their relationship, there is still…you know…the whole gay thing. Two girls in a romantic relationship in a Japanese high school setting is no small matter to gloss over, unfortunately. I want to see them slowly decide how they want to open up to others around them about it, or if they just decide to be up front from the get-go. I want to see Akari and Koyomi and Natsuki find out and see how they react, how inevitably supportive they will be, how fucking cute their friendship with Yuu is, how happy they will be for her. I want to see how Touko’s and Yuu’s families will react, the good reactions and the bad ones. I want to watch Rei physically turn into a pile of mush, just like I did, when she finds out that her hunch was correct and her baby sister has a girlfriend. I want to see the entire school somehow find out via word-of-mouth but ironically no one cares because everyone already thought Touko and Sayaka were lesbians anyway and the only unforeseen factor was Yuu. (And as reactions to the play proved, most people in their school are surprisingly accepting and non-judgmental and it’s precious.) None of this has to be that extensive or dramatic or take up that much time—just a bit of attention would be a nice touch and be incredibly satisfying.

I could watch Yuu and Touko being cute as fuck in a relationship literally all damn week. I’m so excited to watch Yuu finally be able to communicate what she wants from the relationship, to be allowed to show affection, to be as lovey-dovey as she wants. I’m excited to see Touko adjust to that and continue with her process of learning to accept that affection.

I could watch them learn and grow and encounter obstacles together for days, but we have limited time here unfortunately (this ain’t no 30 volume Kimi ni Todoke) and that means we have to trim the fat and focus on the real important stuff that needs to get resolved: HER NAME IS SAYAKA AND SHE DESERVES A GIRLFRIEND.

Sayaka is the UNSUNG HERO of this story. Would chapter 40 have EVEN happened if Sayaka hadn’t had the balls to confess to Touko the way she did and help Touko reach her own emotional catharsis? Sayaka is a selfless and kind soul who is OUT THERE doing the MOST for others. She is precious and her heart has been broken too many god damn times and she deserves better. She just does. This girl deserves a break and in the time the manga has left, my sincerest wish is that she gets one. I want to see her get a happy ending and a girlfriend who is head over heels for her and vice versa. More even than any Yuu/Touko stuff.

That’s my rant. I mostly wrote it the night of the chapter coming out at like 3 am so my feelings were a lot. I don’t even know. I feel like there’s so much more to be said, so much more you could analyze. Like the incredible, INCREDIBLE panel where Touko grabs Yuu’s hand and you can see their silhouettes in the glass, mirroring the exact position they were in last spring in the student council room when it all began. Can you even wait to see that shit adapted for the anime? The kinds of beautiful shit they can do with this scene? And the fucking godly Michiru Oshima soundtrack? I sure can’t. Nakatani’s art, her composition, her use of parallelism…it’s simply gorgeous on every level. But anyway, right now, I’m just gonna post this so I can get it off my chest.

My heart has been fulfilled and I can now survive until May 27th. But I also can’t wait still. :P

[wordsfromjosie-blog]

The Art of Being Uncomfortable

     This is not what I intended to write. I wanted to write an awe inspiring piece about sacrifice and positive change and making one’s mark on society. It was going to be uplifting and dynamic and after reading it, we were all going to go out and save the world.

     And then I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. A small one, mind you, but a breakdown nonetheless. I have had these moments at certain intervals when things become unbearable and I don’t want to keep doing what I’m doing. Things become so uncomfortable that I am forced to change.

     There, I said it. Uncomfortable.

     We are comfort seeking creatures- we like when things are easy. No one wants to feel discomfort- it is stressful and unpleasant. Because it can be painful, we avoid it. We use the word to describe trivial annoyances and we give it less power.

     The same can be said for sacrifice. Do we really know what sacrifice is? The word has been overused to the point of becoming meaningless. Sacrifice is not easy. It is not comfortable. It is noble and life changing. It is the consequence of overextending oneself for the sake of someone or something else. It is the willingness to put the comfort and desires of others before your own. How often do we say it and how often do we really do it?

     When my son was three years old, he had the proverbial ‘ants in his pants’. He was hyper and excited about the world. It seemed like he talked and moved nonstop. I was working full time back then and his daycare did not approve of this behavior. I was told that he would be kicked out if he couldn’t sit at his desk like everyone else. I switched daycares and it happened again. And again.  He was booted from four daycares and denied entry into pre-k unless I put him on Ritalin. It didn’t feel right though. I went to the pediatrician thinking he would say that medication was not the answer, but he was willing to concede to the schools. Family members also pushed for it so that my son could be ‘normal’. My hesitation stemmed from the fact that he wasn’t violent or unhappy. He was just a boy excited about the world and excited to share his love of it with everyone. It felt so wrong to take that away for the sake of being able to sit at a desk all day.

     So, I didn’t.

     I went against everyone’s wishes. I went against my family, the doctor, the daycare facilities, and the school system. Despite being a single parent working full time, I decided to school him myself. I didn’t know that I could successfully do it, but there didn’t seem like any other choice. And it was hard. Really hard. He was with me all day every day, so I couldn’t work a normal job anymore. I ended up working part-time weekend jobs when my family could watch him. I started baking out of my house to try and make ends meet. I quit college just short of a degree. We were questioned- not only by friends and family- but by strangers who thought the notion of not going to a public institution was weird. How would he be socialized? How would he go to college? How was I qualified to teach him anything? How would he be ‘normal’? So many awkward conversations were had during those years.

     As my son got older, he outgrew the hyper phase. He thrived by being with me and learning at his own pace. We found a local homeschooling group to join and he made friends. It wasn’t without struggle though. There were many times when he would fight me about going somewhere or following through on a project. The burden of having no money weighed on me just as heavily as all of the things that needed to get done. My sanity was questioned. I was threatened with having child protective services called. Many nights were spent sitting on the kitchen floor and crying because I just didn’t want to do any of it anymore. I remember saying ‘I can’t’ over and over again.

     The truth is, I could and I did.

     These times of discomfort in our lives eventually build to a point where homeostasis needs to be reached. It is when we are sobbing or raging or thinking that things will never change that we grow. It can be a painful catharsis, but these transformative moments are necessary. We can only be uncomfortable for so long before we take action to balance ourselves again. Nothing lasts forever. All you have to do is keep going through it.

     I have become a master at the art of being uncomfortable. I no longer avoid these situations - I seek them out. Growing from this experience requires one to break down and get back up again. Each time I get up, I am more than I was before- my boundaries have changed, what I can endure has increased, I have more empathy and compassion. I am a stronger version of myself.

      My former mother-in-law (with whom I am still very good friends) recently asked me when I was going to stop overextending myself and start living a more measured and tranquil lifestyle. I laughed and told her that that just isn’t who I am. I am a person who likes to see where the boundaries are and how far to the edge I can get without tumbling over. Sighing, she responded with,“I know.”

      I urge you to go beyond your limits today, beyond your means. Put yourself into an uncomfortable situation. Put someone else’s needs first. Do the thing that is right, not the thing that is easy. You will make it through, I promise. You will be forced to problem solve, to decide what is important. Push yourself to the limits of your comfort, and then push even further past that. Really live the meaning of those words. Uncomfortable. Sacrifice. The reward is not immediate or tangible, but it is priceless.