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ariskari · 8 years ago

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The Lonely Immortal at Christmas

More than a century ago, when he had worn a different name but still the same face, Caspian had loved Christmas. It had been a joyful day for the whole family, visiting his parents without an argument wit his father, spending time with his sister, playing carols on the piano for her children to sing along to. In spite of everything that happened later, those warm Christmases remained a shining light in his memory.

There were precious few Christmases after the demon came, and precious little to celebrate. With every act committed in the demon's service life grew darker and darker, but when he thought of the safe, happy lives his sister and her children enjoyed he couldn't feel he'd done the wrong thing. A stupid thing, perhaps, but not the wrong one.

When he'd finally clawed his way free of the demon's service, assisted by an entity possibly even worse, there was nothing left of the world he knew, ravaged by two brutal wars during his long years of servitude. Everyone he'd known and cared for was gone, either from old age, illness, or the fighting. The remnants of his family were scattered and were so far removed in time that there was no longer a place for him in their life.

While the religious aspect of the season still held appeal, he found he had nothing else he truly wished to celebrate. So he left it behind and let it be forgotten. And so he passed the years and decades, treating Christmas as just another day to be ignored or blotted out in a haze of wine of the bright lights of his youth grew too harsh.

And then The Girls moved in.

Caspian was never entirely sure how he'd ended up renting rooms out in his house after so many years of solitude. He'd just fallen into it and found he enjoyed the feel of another person in the house again. But they were mostly students, transitory by nature, who always had somewhere better to be for the holidays. They'd never commented on the lack of decoration or asked about his plans. The lack of family photos elsewhere in the house was probably telling.

But Annie and Moonbeam were different. Rather than students they were just a pair of sisters trying out their first steps of independence, but with their mother only a short bus ride away. They had full intention of spending the day with family but they would still be here for the festive period. And they wanted to embrace it fully. Annie cast longing looks out at the neighbours' lights and subtly cleared a corner of the living room a tree could go in. Moon outright asked if they could decorate. Being a (mostly) reasonable man, Caspian agreed. By the end of the week it was like one of Santa's elves had vomited Christmas all over his front room! But it made them happy so he allowed it. Just because he had no reason to celebrate didn't mean he was about to stamp all over their joy.

It was hard though. As the date drew closer and the girls chatted excitedly over plans, gifts for family and friends, parties, while Caspian drank increasing amounts of wine and retreated to his room to sit in darkness.

A few days before the main event Annie tentatively asked him if he had any plans, adding that if he didn't he would be very welcome at their grandma's house. Apparently bringing home an extra mouth to feed would be better than any gift they could bring their aunt. Caspian refused (politely), claiming a (false) prior invitation, but he was touched by the offer. The girls disappeared on Christmas Eve, leaving the house empty and cold. It wasn't until early afternoon Caspian noticed that the pile of brightly wrapped presents that had sat under the tree was not completely gone. Two neat boxes remained. Both addressed to him.

They were nothing fancy (unsurprising for two young people on a tight budget) but it was clear a lot of thought had gone into them. Illuminated by the garish glow of the Christmas lights, for the first time in over a century, Caspian felt the first flicker of that long ago Christmas warmth.

The girls were still living with him the following year and the steady approach of Christmas filled Caspian with trepidation. He could feel the old love of the season waiting, lurking just at the edges of his mind and wasn't sure if he was ready for such a thing to burst back into life. He approached it slowly. He noticed when Annie started tidying to find a spot for the tree and told her she could rearrange the room if she wanted, so that it would fit better. Some of the more lurid decorations had met with an unfortunate accident, replaced by something a bit more tasteful. Things that (electricity accepting) would not have been too out of place in his own childhood home. He also proudly wore the 'Humbug' had Moon bought for him, well aware of who was responsible for the loss of the old decorations.

He took the hint when one evening he found a book of carols sitting on the piano. They in turn didn't judge him when he tried to play his sister's favourite and broke down crying. But when the tears had run their course he found he wanted to play it again. Rather than the sharp pain of his broken heart, the second time was more like seeing an old friend again.This time when Annie invited him for Christmas he said yes. This year he had his own gifts sitting under the tree ready to hand out to the girls and their family.

The third year there were two trees. One for the girls to decorate in whatever garish fashion they wished and another he decorated the way he and his sister had done as children. He woke the girls up with the sound of carols every morning and experimented in trying to recapture some that hadn't survived the passage of time.

That year he also had Jo. Stunning, amazing, wonderful Jo who had come into his life from nowhere and turned it upside down just by existing. Even if it had caused some tension between him and the girls when they'd thought he'd been cheating on Jo with their other form. (Two dozen glitter bombs and one embarrassing bathroom incident later it all got cleared up).

They filled the house with the delicious smell of baking, covering every available surface with sheets of cookies and sending clouds of icing sugar into the air. They also smacked Caspian's hand every time he tried to take a drink from the whiskey reserved for the giant Christmas cake they were steadily feeding.

Their presence in his life meant Caspian now had two offers of a place to go for Christmas. Jo had asked him, all flustered with eyes shining, if he wanted to spend Christmas with their family, and it was impossible to say no. But he'd so enjoyed himself last year and Annie had told him that even if he had other offers he was still welcome at the Wyatt stronghold.

So the weekend before they'd had a house Christmas. Jo and the girls and their other halves. An evening of noise and food and singing and far too much alcohol. The hangover was painful and someone was sick in his humbug hat, but there was nothing he could find to regret about the evening regardless.

Jo's family was a little more daunting. He'd never quite seen eye to eye with Jo's mother and his introduction to her...lover? Prisoner? (He'd never quite figured that one out) had been...awkward, but the horde of children crowding around him (probably because he was carrying the box of cookies) quickly had him forgetting everything else. The day passed in a blur of noise and lights and sticky fingers, piping voices requesting song after song until they echoed in his ears for days afterwards. Annie sent him a picture of a tipsy Moonbeam trying to arm wrestle their pseudodad. He sent one back of one of Jo's siblings trying to feed a cookie to the Christmas jumper he'd been forced to wear.

He went home sober, exhausted, and so full he thought he might die, but genuinely couldn't recall when he'd last been this happy.

The fourth year he was a father. A tiny pink bundle had all but taken over his life. Caspian wouldn't have traded her for the world, but she brought back feelings and fears he thought he'd finally put to rest. What did he know about family? He'd left his behind years ago and for all the friendships he'd built over the past few years he still had no idea how to be a part of one again.

Advice came from all quarters and overwhelmed him. He was assured that this was nothing new but he worried that everything he did would hurt her, every bad choice he'd ever made would come back to haunt them. And there was the gaping silence in the stream of advice from the people he would have most liked to hear it from: his parents and sister.

All the memories of his childhood came rushing back and for the first time it properly hit him that they were gone. Now that he'd started living again it hurt that he couldn't share these things with them. He tried to keep it from the others, retreating to his room when Clarissa smiled just like his niece used to do to mourn her all over again, along with her mother and siblings.

He didn't know if Jo and the girls were just giving him space, or if he was just successful in keeping this secret until he suddenly wasn't, but after the first few weeks he found the door to his room was blocked by two very determined young women. Before he could properly protest they engulfed him in a hug and told him in no uncertain terms that he didn't have to sneak off to do this. That they knew the rest of his family was gone and that it was okay for him to miss them and to cry about it, but that it was not okay for him to hide his pain from them. That they were his family now and what they couldn't see they couldn't help heal. The tears he'd barely been holding back came freely then but they still didn't let him go. When he was finished he didn't feel a great deal better. He still missed his long dead family, still wished they could be there with him...but the pain felt a little less raw now. It wasn't much...but it was a start.

The fifth year and it was looking less likely that the girls were ever going to move out. Their boyfriends seemed to spend more time here than they did at their own places. Caspian wasn't even sure they had other places to live at this point. Annie had a steadily growing baby bump of her own and Moonbeam had acquired a very bouncy puppy that Clarissa spent most of her time trailing after.

But in the quiet of the evenings when everyone had gone back to their own rooms and it was just him, Jo, and Clarissa, Caspian would get out the story he'd been working on all year and read to them. Stories about a family that had lived long ago and all the things they did together. Memories of an aunt and cousins she would never meet but would have loved her with all their heart. And stories about a house in the heart of Amsterdam that had spent so many years empty and cold despite someone living there the entire time, a house that had slowly grown in joy and laughter until no-one living there felt lonely any more.

And in this warm, alive house, Caspian was finally at peace.

---

So this was just meant to be a snort, sweet (possibly bittersweet) snippet to stick in an online RP I’m in so I could have some kind of feelsy Christmas thing without actually starting a new thread, because I have many threads and I’m kind of busy with real life stuff as well. But then it spiraled off into something bigger so I thought I’d put it here instead.

Disclaimer thing: Caspian is mine, Jo, Moonbeam and the briefly mentioned pseudodad belong to @graciessocksdrawer, Annie and the Wyatt Clan belong to @suspendedsafinations, Jo’s mother and horde of siblings belong to @lady-belle-of-the-books, and the poor hapless (unnamed) Other Halves getting dragged into the mess belong to @percivalandgalahad

#writing #rbfan #rp #feels #long post #urbfan

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