#rappidthoughts

[imnotalive-rightmeow]

Let’s pretend

I don’t have a massive fear of people,starting school/a job, failing, losing myself so much so that not even I recognize myself when I look in the mirror, and that I’ll never have any friends.

Let’s pretend that I don’t sit alone on Pin or YouTube, buried in a book in my room because thats the closest form of interaction I’m okay with. On top of that we should add the fact that I definitely don’t watch Tv shows while doing any number of these things or any thing because without the mind numbing chatter in the background I get jumpy and anxious in the silence.

Let’s pretend that my mind and pattern of thinking is normal and healthy. That I don’t get obsessive thoughts that take over every single thing I do every single second of every single day. That it doesn’t last for weeks or months at a time, that I don’t get spontaneous bouts of anger, sadness, helplessness, loneliness, happiness, and I can never seem to juggle them properly. It’s a constant game of Russian roulette and I am not holding the gun.

Let’s pretend I get enough sleep and don’t get “woken” up by a disturbing sleep paralysis episode almost nightly. While on top of that I don’t get night terrors when I’m actually able to dream.

Let’s pretend that I’m not addicted to the way I feel when I’m high not the actual substance, not because I don’t have to think about it, not because I’m scared of opening up that door. Not because I don’t have to feel all the pain and loss while high, not because it makes how much of a black sheep I am feel okay.

Let’s pretend I’m healthy.