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╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

His lips parted as Alex spoke and he wished the boy would STOP. Maybe he could do what Cassius did and put a silencing charm on him but listening to his words just tore his heart open even more because James had also imagined a future together. A future where he could be in a normal relationship and have a good career with a boyfriend he supported. A future he could have had if he took up Cassius’ offer but James didn’t. He chose Cassius and it was too late to go back now. He wouldn’t have been happy if he forgot Cassius because his family and Alex would have all been killed. 

“None of that is going to happen. It wasn’t EVER going to happen. It’s just what I wanted you to believe.” The lies were so hard to force out now as James was breaking at the seams and really needed Alex to go so he could break down in peace. His cold facade was fading now but he still kept a straight face, forcing himself to feel nothing even though he was currently feeling everything. He wanted to tell Alex the truth about everything but he COULDN’T. If James broke his promise to Cassius then Cassius would break his promise and the pain James felt then would be ten times worse than this. At least this was Alex could be safe and eventually move on and be happy with someone else.

As Alex grabbed his wrist, James had to force himself to look away because he didn’t want to look Alex in the eye. Tears were welling up again and his eyes closed because he knew they would fall if he didn’t. Crying over Alex wasn’t going to help his act in any way possible but it was too late now as he realised his tears had beat him. He couldn’t meet Alex’s eye as he spoke anymore because lying to his face was exhausting him so he turned his head away as he spoke. “No one’s forcing me to do this. This is all me and I really need you to go.” 

        there  were  two  sides  that  alexander  couldn’t  tell  the  difference  between  in  his  current  situation.  on  one  side  james  was  telling  the  truth  he  really  never  cared  for  alexander  &  always  hated  him.  everything  that  he  did  was  just  so  that  this  moment  could  happen  &  he  could  watch  someone  be  torn  apart  at  the  seams.  but  the  second  option  was  that  james  was  lying  to  him  again.  alexander  didn’t  know  why  he  was,  who  was  trying  to  hurt  him,  but  he  could  only  think  that  the  real  reason  james  was  leaving  him  was  to  protect  one  of  them.  he’d  been  promised  protection  at  the  beginning  of  their  relationship  &  he  wanted  to  believe  that  was  the  only  reason  james  would  leave  him.  but  he  didn’t  care  about  protection  if  it  meant  losing  the  person  he  loved.

            ❛  i  am  SMART,  i’m  smarter  than  i  wish  i  was.  but  you  seem  like  you’re  lying  to  me  about  this,  you  won’t  even  look  me  in  the  eye.  you’re  supposed  to  be  GOOD,  no  .  .  .  you  ARE  good.  you  want  to  hurt  me  ?  well  good  job  you  have  but  i  don’t  believe  that  you  want  to  leave  me.  after  the  things  we’ve  shared  .  .  .  do  you  cry  in  front  of  all  of  the  people  you’ve  apparently  broken  the  hearts  of  ?  do  you  promise  them  protection  ?  did  you  cuddle  them  every  night  &  let  them  read  to  you  since  you  can’t  keep  still  to  read  yourself  ?  i  know  you  like  the  stories  &  wish  you  could  focus.  &  what  about  .  .  .  albert.  do  you  hate  him  too  ?  come  on  james  just  tell  me  what’s  really  going  on  i  can  help  you.  ❜   whatever  was  wrong  with  james  there  had  to  be  something  true  in  what  they  had.  he  didn’t  understand  how  it  could  all  be  fake.  he  had  given  james  his  whole  heart  &  more.  he  didn’t  want  to  believe  the  things  he’d  started  to.

                    ❛  i'm  not  leaving  until  you  give  me  an  answer  i  can  actually  accept.  ❜  

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╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

The sob that left Alex’s lips was like a knife wound to his heart. He didn’t know what was worse – the fact that Alex couldn’t see through these lies or the fact that it was believable that he was such an awful person. Could people really believe that he was the type of person to lead someone on like this just to rip them apart? ALEX could believe that? It took everything within him to stop himself from crying, to stop the threatening tears from spilling. If he cried then he would never be able to get Alex to leave and clearly, this was working. If being cruel was the only way to get Alex to not want him then it was what he was going to have to do. His fingers were fidgeting so to give them something to do, he pulled out a cigarette and stuffed it between his lips, hoping smoking would hide his trembling bottom lip and put Alex off him even more. All he needed was a bottle of whisky and he was everything Alex hated. 

“It WAS a game, Alexander. You’re just another one of my victims. Did no one ever warn you that I’m James Potter, the fucking HEARTBREAKER. This is what I do.” Cockily, he blew out the smoke from his lips and let out a laugh, the sound covering up the heartbreak he was now feeling. He wanted to feel numb again and he was slowly falling back into that state of mind because it was easier to deal with things when he wasn’t feeling anything. It was the only way he could deal with the pain. “This is who I am. Did you not realise? I’m an awful, shitty, horrible person and you don’t want to be with me. Just STAY as fucking far away from me as you can.”

      people  had  warned  him,  even  james  had  warned  him.  there  were  so  many  warning  signs  but  so  many  words  that  were  being  tossed  at  him  from  james’  side.  he  really  believed  that  james  had  loved  him.  there  were  so  many  emotions  in  his  heart  &  he’d  always  thought  that  they  were  supposed  to  be  together.  he  got  angry  whenever  he  watched  james  put  the  cigarette  to  his  lips.  could  he  not  even  have  this  conversation  with  him  off  the  influence  of  something  ?  his  lips  quivered  as  he  tried  to  respond,  ❛  i  don’t  .  .  .  i  don’t  want  to  believe  you.  i  thought  you  loved  me  for  real.  i  saw  me  getting  to  meet  your  family,  i  saw  you  meeting  my  mum  &  her  having  a  heart  attack  or  something  because  i  of  all  people  was  with  james  potter.  &  she  was  going  to  see  you  just  the  way  i  did.  i  thought  maybe  i  could  see  you  be  a  professional  quidditch  player  like  you  wanted  &  i  could  be  a  healer  on  the  team  or  something.  ❜  

          he  tried  to  push  away  the  tears  that  came  too  fast.  he  was  like  a  twelve  year  old  writing  his  crush’s  name  on  their  binders  because  he  remembered  thinking  that  alexander  potter  didn’t  seem  like  too  bad  a  name.  but  now  his  crush  was  telling  him  that  he  was  stupid,  that  any  love  he  thought  there  was  between  them  was  false.  he  was  so  confused,  so  hurt,  he  thought  maybe  the  kindness  would  stop  him  from  making  a  terrible  decision.  even  though  he’d  been  told  to  stay  far  away  he  didn’t  want  to  believe  he’d  been  fooled  for  so  long.  he  had  to  work  on  all  of  the  courage  he  had  to  head  across  the  room  right  for  james.

          hand  moved  outward  to  take  his  wrist  in  his  hand  &  he  looked  at  james  dead  in  the  eye.  his  own  eyes  were  red  from  crying  &  he  could  barely  focus  on  james  at  this  point.  ❛  is  somebody  making  you  do  this  ?  or  is  this  you  ?  i  thought  i  knew  you,  i  thought  i  saw  things  other  people  didn’t  see.  if  you  actually  hated  me  you  wouldn’t  want  me  to  stay  away  from  you,  you’d  be  begging  for  me  to  stay  close  so  you  could  hurt  me  more.  ❜

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╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

James was almost exasperated now because he didn’t know what to say to stop Alexander from wanting him. Maybe being cruel was the only way to go about it. Cassius once implied he was cold-hearted so why not prove that assumption to be correct as well? So his expression went from blank to cold, a dark glare now appearing on his face as he stared at Alex. He needed the boy to hate him because that was the only way he would ever let him leave. If Alex hated him, then his love would be SAFE. 

“I acted like I wanted you because I wanted to see if you were stupid enough to fall for my charms. And I was right because you did. I managed to make you fall in love with me and you even stayed with me after I CHEATED multiple times. Why haven’t you got the message that I don’t like you?” He wasn’t entirely sure how convincing this was but it NEEDED to work. Alex had to hate him. He had to fall out of love. Every cruel word he spoke made him want to vomit and cry because it was all untrue but it was needed. How else would James convince Alex to let him go?

Tears were welling up in his eyes now and he was glad that Alex was now at the other side of the room because his entire act would be broken if the other realised he was about to cry. “It was awful because YOU wouldn’t stop pining after me and I felt sorry for you. Why don’t you understand that I don’t want to be with you anymore? I thought you were supposed to be SMART. This was all just a game and I WON.”

       there  was  a  moment  where  he  believed  that  james  was  this  god  like  figure  that  he  would  never  be  the  same  as.  it  was  back  when  he  was  a  second  year  &  people  in  his  year  were  talking  about  how  great  james  was.  but  alexander  knew  james  would  never  TALK  to  him,  none  of  the  potter  family  would.  he  was  basically  a  lowlife  who  meant  nothing  at  all.  but  then  he’d  had  his  hopes  worked  up  whenever  he  met  james  in  the  hallways.  he  pretended  to  not  know  who  he  was,  pretended  that  he  wasn’t  going  to  wish  &  hope  that  james  potter  would  fall  head  over  heels  for  HIM.  then  he  thought  back  to  having  hot  chocolate  with  him,  thought  back  to  reading  books  late  at  night,  thought  about  the  smile  he  thought  was  genuine  on  his  face  whenever  they  were  curled  together.  &  maybe  .  .  .  maybe  james  wasn’t  godlike  at  all.  because  he  didn’t  want  to  be  with  alexander,  &  instead  of  fighting  it  anymore  he  believed  him.

        the  sob  that  left  his  lips  was  something  he  didn’t  think  would  leave  them,  but  if  james  wanted  to  see  him  hurt  he  was  going  to  get  the  imagery.  because  alexander  was  absolutely  heartbroken.  ❛  this  wasn’t  a  game,  WE  weren’t  a  game.  at  least  not  to  me.  i  -  i  LOVED  you  i  really  did.  but  i  don’t  love  this  person  that  you  are  now.  ❜ he  didn’t  want  to  believe  what  james  was  saying  but  it  was  so  characteristic  of  what  people  said  about  him.  maybe  alexander  had  just  built  him  into  someone  he  thought  he  could  be  in  his  head.

         ❛  i  NEVER  fucking  pined  after  you.  don’t  give  yourself  the  pleasure.  i  tried  to  stay  cautious  around  you  but  every  time  you  even  smiled  at  me  i  -  YOU  KNOW  .  .  .  never  mind.  you  don’t  deserve  an  explanation  if  i  don’t  even  get  a  proper  break  up,  a  proper  goodbye.  i  should’ve  kept  you  in  the  common  room  &  made  everyone  see  how  -  how  awful  you  are.  ❜ he  wasn’t  good  at  being  mean  but  he  wanted  to  make  james  feel  the  hurt  he  was  feeling  now,  in  his  stomach,  his  heart,  his  head,  EVERYWHERE.

[fawcettt-blog1]

╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

Looking down at his feet, a sad smile appeared on his face before he looked back up. “I’m good at lying to everyone but you. You just see me. And I fucking hate it because I wish you weren’t so good for me. I wish you didn’t know me as well as you did.” There were so many things he wished but it was too late to take everything back. Alex was obviously his soulmate and they obviously loved each other but it couldn’t work. They were two people who were supposed to be together but couldn’t be and it KILLED James to know that. And it was all his own fault. “FINE. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with you.” If he had a shot for every lie he’d told Alex he’d be dead.

He wanted the space between them to be bigger but he also wanted to close it and be in Alexander’s arms. He was safe in those arms and nothing could touch him. But he needed to keep his self-control today and complete his mission. Alexander needed to be out of his life. Maybe they hadn’t used the word LOVE with each other before because James tried to ignore it. Unlike what he did with Cassius, he purposely didn’t say it to Alex and made sure he didn’t drop it in conversations. But when Alex said it, it shot him in the heart even though it was information he already knew. “You don’t need me. You need someone who will be GOOD and FAITHFUL to you and that person isn’t me.”

At that question, James suddenly stopped and blanched because OF COURSE Alex had noticed. He would have been surprised if he hadn’t but James was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Suddenly looking even more uncomfortable, he rubbed his shoulder and stepped from one foot to the other before coming to the conclusion that maybe he should at least try to tell Alex some of the truth. The potion was probably the LEAST terrible thing he’d been lying about to Alexander so he was a good place to start. “I have this potion thing I’ve been taking since my fall but I’m fine. It’s not the reason I’m trying to break up with you.”

      at  first  he  was  hurt.  it  felt  as  though  someone  had  reached  through  his  chest,  taken  ahold  of  his  heart,  &  then  squeezed.  he  could  feel  the  panic  starting  to  build  within  him,  the  kind  that  caused  him  to  be  angrier  than  he  meant  to  be.  he  was  supposed  to  be  with  james,  james  was  his  &  he  was  james.  it  was  a  fact  he’d  become  so  accustomed  to  that  the  idea  it  wasn’t  true  seemed  like  a  cruel  joke.  but  then  james  told  him  he  didn’t  want  him  &  for  the  first  time  alexander  believed  him.  he  didn’t  know  what  it  was,  maybe  it  was  because  of  how  cold  james  was  being,  but  he  believed  for  a  moment  that  james  didn’t  want  to  be  with  him.  he  swallowed,  ❛  then  why,  why  have  you  been  leading  me  on  ?  if  you  don’t  want  to  be  with  me  then  why  did  you  always  act  like  you  did  ?  ❜   

        he’d  promised  himself  he  wasn’t  going  to  cry  but  here  he  was,  exasperated,  voice  cracking  at  the  end  of  his  question.  ❛  please  don’t  do  this,  remember  what  happened  last  time,  remember  how  awful  it  was  ?  we  can’t  be  apart,  james.  i  think  it  hurts  worse  than  knowing  there’s  something  you’re  hiding  from  me.  ❜  but  whatever  james  was  doing  to  him  he  was  doing  it  right  because  the  step  alexander  had  taken  closer  to  him  he  now  took  away  to  start  pacing  to  the  other  side  of  the  room.  

          ❛  then  WHY  are  you  if  it  isn’t  because  of  some  fucking  POTION  ?  you  should  already  know  that  i  have  an  idea  of  why  but  i’m  trying  so  fucking  hard  to  give  you  the  benefit  of  the  doubt.  ❜  

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╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

James should have known that it wouldn’t have been enough. Those words weren’t enough for him to throw away a man he loved and cared about and had dreamed of having a future with. Alex wasn’t just another boy he’d fucked and could toss aside – he MEANT something to him and that was why this was so much harder. Heartbreakers shouldn’t date boys they liked because this was what happened. He always thought that rumour was untrue but it wasn’t – he WAS good at breaking hearts. He was good at breaking his own heart. 

“I haven’t been acting since then,” he retorted even though that was an obvious lie. But how was he supposed to explain that he was now addicted to some stupid potion that Cassius was giving him? How could he explain that he was having to see him every single day to beg for the stupid shit? Alexander must have noticed when he was high on it because even though he was good at hiding it, Alex somehow always noticed the little things about him that others didn’t. “I don’t NEED your help. Or anyone’s help.”

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Alex was supposed to cry and maybe get angry again and leave. And James was supposed to feel so awful he went numb. He wasn’t supposed to be stubborn. “You actually WANT to be with a cheater who barely sees you and fucking lies to your face all the time? I don’t get why you still want me even after all this time. This isn’t stupid. You should be breaking up with me. I’m just trying to do this before I hurt you anymore.” He was avoiding the question now because he didn’t know how to form an explanation without lying directly to his face. How was he supposed to explain that he was now with the man who wanted to kill Alex’s family and his own family and get revenge for his parents’ death?

        ❛  here’s  another  question  for  you;  how  are  you  so  good  at  lying  but  so  BAD  at  it  at  the  same  time  ?  ❜ the  words  left  his  mouth  before  he  could  even  think  on  them.  alexander  was  usually  one  to  think  about  what  he  was  saying  before  doing  anything.  he  calculated  his  movements  but  was  still  a  passionate  boy.  his  gaze  stayed  on  james,  eyes  boring  into  him.  he  wondered  if  there  was  a  spell  that  would  give  him  the  super  power  of  having  lasers  coming  out  of  his  eyes.  he  doubted  that  could  happen  but  in  this  moment  he  wished  it  would.  ❛  you  don’t  want  to  be  all  alone,  i  know  that  much  is  true.  stop  pretending  like  it’s  what  you  want.  ❜  

           he  took  a  step  closer  to  james,  as  if  that  would  change  anything.  the  air  between  them  should’ve  been  cold  but  alexander  still  loved  james  no  matter  what.  &  the  sort  of  love  he  gave  was  unconditional.  he  couldn’t  stop  even  if  he  tried.  ❛  i  want  to  know  what  you’re  lying  about  other  than  you  saying  you  don’t  want  to  be  with  me.  i  want  to  know  why  you  think  i  don’t  LOVE  you.  i  don’t  just  WANT  you.  this  isn’t  about  WANT  anymore.  i  need  you.  ❜  he  hadn’t  said  it  before,  that  he  loved  james,  but  they  both  knew  it  was  true  so  what  was  the  point  of  trying  to  hide  it  anymore  ?  

          ❛  &  maybe  i  want  to  be  hurt,  maybe  i’m  okay  with  being  hurt  by  you.  because  i’ve  not  asked  any  questions  this  whole  time.  i’ve  watched  you  disappear  on  the  regular,  i’ve  let  you  cancel  on  me,  but  that  doesn’t  mean  i’ve  stopped  caring  about  you.  i  just  want  to  help  you  through  whatever’s  going  on.  are  you  doing  drugs  or  something  ?  i  mean  like  the  really  bad  stuff.  because  every  time  i  see  you  you  look  more  drained  than  the  last.  ❜   of  course  alexander  was  going  to  be  stubborn.  he’d  lost  james  before,  had  gone  through  the  pain  of  it  &  knew  he  never  wanted  to  feel  like  that  again.

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╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

His heart dropped as he realised that Alex knew EXACTLY what he was planning on doing. The boy was smart and could read every emotion on his face and his body language spoke more than any words that came out of his mouth. He knew this was going to be hard but it suddenly hit him how badly this was going to break BOTH of them as he followed Alex out of the room, not linking their fingers like he usually did. He didn’t want to do this but he had to. He had to so he could save what was left of Alex’s heart and so he could give himself to Cassius, the way he knew he would have to. 

James almost started crying right there when the door was opened and he immediately recognised where they were. A part of him knew that this would happen when he was led to the Room of Requirement because what else would the room turn into when the two of them were together? The room was special and sacred to him and he didn’t want to taint all the memories by doing THIS but he was going to have to. He couldn’t run away this time, not when Alex was waiting and when Cassius was practically forcing him to do this. His families’ lives depended on it – and so did Alex’s considering James KNEW Cassius would be perfectly happy to kill the boy if he didn’t leave him.

“You deserve the entire fucking world but we both know I’m never going to be able to give that to you.” His voice was equally as bitter yet the bitterness was aimed at himself rather than Alex. He hated that he couldn’t treat Alex how he deserved to be. “I don’t have a speech. Nor am I here to grovel for forgiveness and win you back. And I KNOW that you already know what I’m about to say because you already know everything about me before I do.” He swallowed and gripped his fingernails into his arm as he spoke. “We can’t be together. You deserve someone who will be good to you and I’m not that person. I’m not a good person and you should be with someone who will treat you like a king.” His head was numb now and his words were robotic, almost as though he’d been practising them over and over again until he did it right. 

     maybe  james  hadn’t  learned  anything  even  in  all  of  the  time  they’d  been  together,  but  he  should’ve  known  the  words  that  would  get  to  alexander  were  not  the  ones  he  spoke.  people  like  cassius  wanted  power  &  the  world  &  to  be  treated  like  kings,  alexander  wanted  simpler  things.  he  wanted  to  have  a  cottage  in  the  woods  &  a  few  animals  &  work  as  a  healer  all  over  the  world.  he  didn’t  want  to  be  in  charge  of  anyone  or  any  thing,  he  didn’t  want  the  world,  he  just  wanted  happiness.  &  he  could  tell  that  james  wanted  that  happiness  to,  whenever  they  weren’t  thinking  he  could  tell.  yet  for  some  reason  here  he  was  saying  the  opposite.

         ❛  i  don’t  WANT  the  world,  james.  i  don’t  want  to  be  treated  like  a  king.  how  many  times  do  i  have  to  tell  you  the  same  things  over  &  over.  all  i  want  is  you  &  you  keep  pushing  me  away.  i  don’t  know  what’s  happening  with  you,  but  ever  since  you  fell  you’ve  been  acting  out  of  character.  but  that  isn’t  going  to  stop  us  from  being  together  because  who  is  going  to  help  you  if  i  don’t  ?  ❜  

           he  was  going  to  get  to  the  bottom  of  this  with  interrogation  if  he  had  to.  he  would  rip  james  apart  to  get  truth  because  no  matter  how  much  the  truth  was  going  to  hurt  at  least  he’d  be  able  to  understand  it.  so  now  his  arms  were  wrapped  around  his  own  waist  &  his  gaze  was  staggered  on  james.  ❛  what’s  happening  with  you  ?  i’m  not  asking  for  an  apology  i  just  want  to  know  why  you  think  we  need  to  break  up  over  something  STUPID.  ❜

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╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

James wished that he had never met Alexander Fawcett. Or rather, he wished that Alexander had never met HIM. He wished that he had never stopped to play with Albert and that he’d never asked him on a date. Because that way he wouldn’t have broken up the sweetest and biggest hearted boy he knew. Alex deserved better and James knew that yet here he was, doing bad things to him over and over again. James LOVED the boy so much yet he’d chosen Cassius and fuck he didn’t know why. Alex was his home and his safety net and James felt comfortable with him and everything was easy. He didn’t have to prove himself nor did he have to work hard for his affections – Alex just loved him for him. But Cassius was his addiction that had now become his entire life. And because of him, James was about to destroy the only good thing he’d ever had.

Of course Alex was sitting there faithfully when James forced himself to leave his dorm. And for a split second, James hated him for that because he wished he wasn’t so good. If he wasn’t so sweet and kind and understanding then what he was about to do would have been made far less painful. He was somewhat buzzed on Cassius’ potion, his eyes a little glazed over as he stared at Alexander from across the room. He’d taken a huge swig of it before entering the common room, figuring that being high would make this whole thing easier. Not that ANY of this was easy. He wasn’t entirely sure how he made his feet move across the room so he was standing in front of Alex, but somehow he made it and awkwardly stood in front of his boyfriend. He could have sat down but he didn’t particularly be in a public space when he did this. 

“Hi,” he said softly, a half-smile which didn’t meet his eyes appearing on his face as he greeted Alexander. Normally he kissed him or at least gave him a hug when he saw him but instead he stood there with his arms crossed, wishing he was anyplace else but there. It was strange because being with Alex was his most favourite thing in the world yet these days he pushed off any opportunity he had to be with him. Maybe it was the guilt that made him not want to be near Alex or maybe it was the fear that he’d realise James had spent the last month blatantly lying to his face and sneaking around his back.

“Do you think we could go someplace alone?” He glanced around the common room at the hundreds of people around. He couldn’t do this in front of them because he knew they’d both cry.

        alexander  was  not  the  tallest  boy  in  school,  but  he  wasn’t  the  shortest  either.  yet  somehow  when  james  was  in  front  of  him  with  glassy  eyes  &  arms  crossed  over  his  chest,  alexander  felt  like  he  was  barely  even  a  full  foot  tall.  he’d  known  this  was  coming,  whatever  interaction  they  were  about  to  have  &  his  heart  shot  up  from  his  chest  into  his  throat.  blood  soared  through  his  ears  &  he  could  barely  hear  anything  except  james’  hi  echoing  through  his  head.  

          the  right  thing  to  do  was  say  yes,  find  somewhere  they  could  be  alone  together,  but  how  BADLY  alexander  wanted  to  say  no.  he  wanted  everyone  to  see  it,  see  james  potter  break  his  heart  for  the  second  time;  no,  not  the  second.  maybe  the  tenth  or  twentieth.  he  was  so  good  at  one  thing,  not  quidditch,  not  magic,  but  at  breaking  people’s  hearts  &  alexander  should’ve  been  smart  enough  to  stay  away.  yet  somehow  his  lips  turned  into  a  small  smile  as  he  nodded  saying,  ❛  okay.  ❜  that  was  a  word  he’d  lost  all  meaning  to.

         but  alexander  was  the  one  who  stood  up  to  take  the  lead.  he  didn’t  know  where  james  was  planning  on  taking  them  but  he  wasn’t  going  to  have  it.  he  could  feel  his  lip  quivering  already,  but  he  thought  maybe  that  he  was  just  over  exaggerating.  maybe  nothing  was  wrong  at  all  &  he  was  being  dramatic  about  the  whole  thing.  alexander  wasn’t  like  james,  though,  he  wasn’t  dramatic.  if  anything  he  was  usually  the  most  practical  person  in  a  situation.  &  as  a  practical  person  he  decided  he  was  going  to  make  this  hard  for  james  to  do.  he  DESERVED  it  to  be  hard.  eventually  he  found  his  way  to  the  door  of  the  room  of  requirement,  specifically  he’d  conjured  the  same  image  of  safety  in  his  mind  from  the  day  he’d  first  slept  with  james,  the  same  day  he  first  saw  james  cry.  he  wondered  if  this  would  be  the  LAST  day  he  ever  saw  him  cry.

         ❛  i  deserve  a  speech,  i  hope  you’ve  prepared  a  really  good  damn  speech.  you  can’t  even  write  an  essay  without  getting  distracted  but  i  hope  you  didn’t  get  distracted  at  all  while  preparing  this  for  me,  ❜  he  knew  his  words  were  bitter  as  he  entered  the  room,  turning  on  james  to  search  his  face  for  any  hint  of  good  emotions  left.

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      forgiving  james  for  what  he  had  done  was  not  something  easy  for  alexander.  though  he’d  worked  up  the  courage  to  come  &  search  for  an  apology  &  held  james  accountable  for  what  he  had  done,  alexander  was  still  uneasy  about  the  situation.  he  felt  distrust  for  james  even  when  he  was  gone  for  long  periods  of  time.  he  especially  felt  uncomfortable  sitting  in  his  own  defense  against  the  dark  arts  class  where  he  had  to  pretend  he  was  none  the  wiser  about  things  that  had  probably  happened  in  that  very  classroom.  but  he  was  a  kind  boy,  &  he  knew  that  james  probably  saw  things  in  their  professor  that  he  would  never  see  in  alexander.  so  any  glances  in  the  great  hall,  any  time  he  was  forced  with  both  of  them  in  the  same  room,  he  pretended  not  to  see  the  clear  signs  that  something  was  going  on.

     then  james  got  detention.  they’d  not  been  back  together  for  long,  but  alexander  was  confused  about  how  it’d  even  begun.  he  watched  his  boyfriend  get  sucked  into  the  crowd  from  leaving  the  great  hall  then  was  stopped  by  him  to  be  told  he  wouldn’t  be  finishing  out  their  night  together  due  to  obligations  of  being  reprimanded.  alexander  wasn’t  told  which  professor  it  was  but  he  could  only  assume.  james  was  DIFFERENT  after  that  night,  &  not  in  a  good  way.  alexander  could  see  it  in  the  way  he  acted,  but  he  still  pretended  not  to  see  because  he  was  afraid  of  what  his  actions  meant.  so  he  remained  faithful,  allowed  james  to  say  &  do  what  he  wanted,  he  had  to  because  he  was  the  only  one  who  WOULD.

     a  week  later  was  the  quidditch  game.  alexander  thought  it  might  help  james  get  back  into  being  his  usual  self,  after  all  quidditch  was  the  one  thing  he  was  truly  passionate  about,  &  alexander  saw  how  GOOD  he  was  at  the  sport  as  well,  even  if  he’d  never  been  one  for  flying  on  a  broomstick.  he’d  gone  to  support  james,  but  was  terrified  when  he  fell  onto  the  ground.  while  everyone  else  was  making  noises  alexander  could  only  hear  the  faint  sound  of  a  crack,  &  part  of  him  was  terrified  it  wasn’t  a  rib  or  an  arm,  but  instead  james’  neck.  he’d  tried  to  go  visit  him  in  the  hospital  wing,  but  was  faced  with  perhaps  his  biggest  fear;  an  interaction  with  cassius  wilkes.  he  was  told  by  the  professor  that  he  couldn’t  visit  him  due  to  the  work  that  madame  pomfrey  was  doing  but  he  couldn’t  understand  why  that  should  matter.  after  all,  he’d  even  helped  heal  students  alongside  madame  pomfrey  whenever  he’d  shown  great  interest  in  becoming  a  healer.  but  he  conceded  &  never  told  james  about  what’d  happened.  because  he  wanted  things  to  be  easy  for  him  while  he  healed.

     days  later,  james  had  disappeared  again.  he’d  seemed  on  edge,  acting  strangely,  always  finding  a  reason  to  go  on  a  walk  alone.  alexander  had  even  taken  the  time  to  point  out  that  he  was  acting  strangely  but  knew  the  conversation  would  get  him  nowhere.  &  while  alexander  felt  a  deep  love  for  the  other  boy  who  had  changed  his  life  he  wasn’t  sure  how  much  longer  he  could  keep  pretending  there  wasn’t  something  very  wrong  going  on.  they  were  supposed  to  meet  again  soon,  but  alexander  feared  that  the  meeting  would  be  cancelled  as  it  seemed  their  meetings  often  had  been.  it  felt  less  like  they  were  dating  &  more  like  he  was  just  a  stuffed  animal  being  dragged  around  &  talked  to  by  a  child  then  left  behind  when  it  got  told  by  its  mother  that  it  had  to.  he  didn’t  enjoy  feeling  this  way  but  he  kept  hanging  on  assuming  something  would  change  even  if  he  did  nothing.  he  was  not  proactive  at  all  because  he  was  tired  of  change.

     he  was  not  in  a  good  mood  as  he  decided  to  go  to  the  gryffindor  common  room  to  find  james  himself.  whatever  plans  they’d  made  weren’t  going  to  be  shrugged  off  but  alexander  thought  he  maybe  should’ve  let  them  be.  he’d  grown  accustomed  to  hanging  around  the  common  room  anyway,  &  he  decided  that  the  other  students  had  become  accustomed  to  seeing  him  there  as  well.  so  he  sat  there  looking  at  the  staircases  every  single  time  he  heard  even  the  slightest  creak  on  the  stairs,  assuming  of  course  that  james  would  even  be  coming  from  his  own  room.

@jamiepottcr

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╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

Everything with Alex was soft, comfortable and CALM. Which was the complete opposite of when he was with Cassius. WIth him, James never knew where he stood and he always felt like he was on edge, trying to prove himself and trying to get the upper hand. But with Alex, he felt like he could actually breathe and be himself because he wasn’t trying to prove anything to him. Everything just was with Alex. Maybe that’s why he was so addicted to Cassius because everything was intense and fast and INSANE.

“Don’t apologise for that, babe. You barely even hurt me.” James showed him his hand to prove that the cuts were already gone and there wasn’t even any scarring. He didn’t want Alex to blame himself or apologise for anything. James couldn’t understand why he didn’t realise he was perfect and didn’t make any mistakes other than choosing to date a fuck up. “We’re okay if YOU are. I know it’s only been a few days but I really fucking missed you.”

    trusting  someone  who  cheated  on  an  exam  was  easy,  so  surely  trusting  someone  who  cheated  in  a  relationship  could  be  reduced  to  being  just  as  simple.  alexander  understood  that  james  was  more  willing  to  own  up  that  HE’D  messed  up,  but  alexander  still  had  the  sneaking  suspicion  that  part  of  it  was  just  so  alexander  would  have  to  admit  it  as  well.  his  boyfriend  was  someone  who  teared  himself  apart  to  make  himself  feel  better,  &  that  self  depreciation  confused  alexander  to  no  end  as  it  wasn’t  LOGICAL  in  any  form.  he  reached  out,  fingers  running  over  the  palm  that  he  was  terrified  would  be  scarred  from  his  own  magic,  but  he  was  glad  to  see  that  it  seemed  nothing  had  ever  happened.  &  as  he  traced  the  palm  of  his  hand  his  heart  felt  full,  because  it  felt  like  he  was  meant  to  be  here  in  this  moment,  forgiving  james  for  his  wrongs.  ❛   i  missed  you  too.  ❜

         his  gaze  turned  upward.  alexander  looked  at  each  swirl  of  green  within  james’  irises  &  then  his  hand  circled  around  his  tightly  again.  he  hadn’t  felt  this  way  about  anyone  before,  like  he  needed  someone.  but  part  of  him  knew  james  was  who  he  needed.  his  opposing  nature  to  alexander’s  own  complimented  him  well.  lips  tilted  up  into  a  smile.  ❛   i’m  okay,  i  think  a  break  was  good  for  us.  at  least  for  me,  because  i  realised  how  much  time  i’ve  been  spending  with  you,  &  how  much  i  REALLY  like  you.  i’d  be  upset,  if  i  had  to  lose  you.  but  i  guess  that  was  all  i  came  to  say,  &  i  can  go  now  if  you  still  want  TIME.  ❜

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╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

James winced as his bicep was hit, the boy surprisingly strong despite his petite size. His hand instinctively came up to rub where it was hit before he looked deservingly sheepish. “I KNOW. I should have come to see you. But… I just figured you’d want time away from me.” He bit down on his bottom lip as he moved to clasp Alex’s hands in his own, rubbing his thumbs over warm fingertips.

Even though he was seemingly forgiven, James still felt like the worst person in the world. His apology was genuine but his promises? He wasn’t so sure. Maybe he’d set himself up to break more promises but he didn’t WANT to. He didn’t want to destroy Alex’s heart nor his reputation more than he already had done. “You can tell me I’m stupid for thinking you didn’t want to see me. I think I deserve anything you throw at me, including more punches and smashed bottles.”

     briefly,  alexander  gazed  down  at  their  hands,  not  even  looking  up  into  the  green  eyes  that  he  knew  were  watching  him.  he  hated  how  well  their  hands  fit  together,  &  he  hated  that  he’d  been  hurt.  but  his  anger  wasn’t  as  forceful  as  it  should  have  been.  he  chewed  on  his  bottom  lip  before  gaze  shifted  upward  again.   ❛   time  away  from  you  ?  no,  i  needed  you,  needed  to  talk  to  you.  i  should  have  sooner.  ❜

         then  he  sighed,  because  he  could  see  where  he’d  wronged  in  the  situation.   ❛   i’m  sorry  for  breaking  the  bottle,  i  didn’t  even  think  about  what  i  was  doing.  i  was  already  a  little  drunk  &  i  was  trying  to  blame  the  alcohol.  but  i  know  that  you  made  a  mistake  &  you  want  to  change.  &  i’m  being  selfish  because  i’m  glad  it’s  me  that  you  want  to  change  for.  ❜  his  lips  slowly  turned  into  the  smallest  of  smiles  as  he  kept  his  gaze  on  james.   ❛   so  we’re  okay  now  ?  ❜

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╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

Reaching out, James leaned forward to put his finger to Alex’s lips so he could shush him, needing him to stop talking before he got mad. “Shut up. I’m the one who should be begging YOU to take me back. I’m the one who fucked up. I’m the one who did everything wrong. I didn’t want you to leave. All I’ve done since you left was feel broken even though it’s all my fucking fault.” His hand moved to cup his boy’s cheek and he stared into his warm, familiar eyes. Every part of him had missed Alex – the boy who was there for him no matter what. The perfect, perfect boy who somehow wanted to stay with him even though he was a heartbreaker.

“I’ll never hurt you ever again. I promise. If you can’t forgive me or trust me ever again, I get it because I did the worst thing I could ever do but I won’t do it again. EVER. All I want to do is love you and treat you like you deserve to be treated.” James could feel himself getting over emotional now but he hated himself for what he did because he’d never seen Alex look so betrayed and broken as he did that night he confessed. He couldn’t even forgive himself so he wasn’t entirely sure how Alex could but him coming back here seemed to signal that he HAD forgiven him, even if it was just a little bit.

“Will YOU take ME back?”

       alexander  froze  when  he  was  told  to  shut  up.  eyes  went  wide  as  he  stared  at  him,  listening  to  him  talk.  he  was  always  so  good  at  talking,  if  he  wasn’t  alexander  wouldn’t  have  gone  on  this  endeavour  with  him.  then  he  was  promised  to  not  be  hurt  again,  &  alexander  believed  him.  because  there  was  nothing  else  he  could  do  but  trust  the  words  that  were  being  thrown  at  him.  tears  welled  in  his  eyes  again,  maybe  his  emotions  were  shown  to  readily  but  he  didn’t  care.

         he  nodded,  ❛  of  course  i’ll  take  you  back.  i  would’ve  days  ago  if  you  would’ve  come  to  find  me,  ❜  &  for  that  james  got  alexander’s  small  fist  hurling  toward  his  bicep.   ❛  i  mean  it,  you  should’ve  come  to  say  sorry.  i  told  you  to  &  everything  &  you  didn’t.  ❜

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╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

The last thing James was expecting to see when he walked into his dorm was his boyfriend sitting in front of his bed. His boyfriend who he hadn’t actually seen or spoken to since his birthday. As much as James had wanted to see Alex and beg for forgiveness, he still felt awful and didn’t know if Alex would want to see him so he decided to give him space and give them both time to sort their heads out. “FUCKING HELL, Alex, are you trying to scare me to death?” He put his hand on his heart and tried his hardest to smile at the boy even though he just felt sad.

“You’re allowed to sit on my bed, babe,” he said softly as he held out his hand to help Alex up before moving to sit on his bed crossed legged, biting down on his bottom lip as he stared at him. For once, he wasn’t sure what to say so he sat there in silence for a couple of seconds, wringing his hands together. “I know I should have come to see you a few days ago but I thought you still hated me and wouldn’t want to see me,” he said in a soft and quiet voice, barely able to look at Alex when all he felt was hurt.

        lips  flipped  into  a  smile  though  he  didn’t  want  them  to.  he  missed  him,  more  than  he’d  ever  missed  anyone  before.  fingers  reached  out,  grasping  at  his  hand  as  he  settled  down  onto  the  bed.  he  didn’t  want  to  talk,  he  just  wanted  to  be  here  next  to  james  forever  &  not  have  to  worry  about  words  fucking  everything  up  for  them.  ❛  i’m  sorry,  i  didn’t  mean  to  frighten  you.  ❜ he  said  eventually  gazing  back  over  at  james.  

           ❛  &  i  .  .  .  well  i  forgive  you.  i  forgive  you  for  everything.  for  not  coming  to  see  me.  i  shouldn’t  have  done  what  i  did  with  the  bottle.  but  i  -  i  just  couldn’t  believe  it’d  happened  to  me.  i’ve  heard  stories  of  it  &  read  it  but  i  never  thought  -   ❜  he  cut  off  his  words  then  reached  out  for  the  moving  hands  of  james  potter,  grasping  at  them  tightly.  ❛  i  think  what  you  did  was  wrong,  but  i  think  you  regret  it.  &  i’m  willing  to  work  past  it,  if  you  just  TAKE  ME  BACK.  please,  i  can’t  do  this  anymore,  all  of  this  hiding  from  you.  i  want  there  to  be  an  US  again.  it  feels  like  there’s  no  me  if  there’s  no  you.  ❜

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        hiding  from  the  world  was  terrifying,  especially  as  a  prefect.  though  he  was  supposed  to  help  patrol  the  halls  still,  he  asked  constantly  for  others  to  do  it  FOR  him.  eventually,  he  was  able  to  get  enough  confidence  to  head  out.  he’d  cried,  for  days  maybe,  but  he  still  had  to  eat.  heading  into  the  great  hall  scared  him  because  he  might  see  james.  &  of  course  his  worst  fears  came  to  light.  when  he  saw  him  it  was  like  it  always  was,  james  was  the  only  person  in  the  entire  great  hall,  &  unlike  how  it  always  was,  alexander  was  afraid  of  him.  

          that  day  he  ran  out  of  the  hall  &  did  not  return  because  he  couldn’t  bear  the  thought  of  people  realising  they  weren’t  next  to  each  other,  weren’t  acknowledging  each  other.  &  that  had  been  just  three  days  ago.  the  interaction,  or  lack  thereof,  caused  alexander  to  go  into  a  fit,  one  that  eventually  had  him  heading  to  the  gryffindor  common  room.  he’d  gotten  one  of  his  fellow  gryffindor  prefects  to  allow  him  access  as  a  favour  &  afterward  he  went  to  james’  room  door  where  he  stood  for  a  long  time  before  entering.  usually  he’d  KNOCK,  but  he  didn’t  feel  like  saying  who  it  was  or  anything  of  the  sort.

            but  james  wasn’t  there,  &  he  didn’t  know  where  he’d  gone.  he  worked  up  enough  courage,  though,  to  stop  avoiding  the  problem,  so  he  sat  himself  down  in  front  of  his  boyfriend’s  bed  &  waited  until  he  arrived.

@jamiepottcr

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╰ °✧  DUBOIS, Z.

zara was no stranger to a broken heart. she knew exactly how it hurt and where it hurt. she knew that any mention of the person’s name had the power to completely shatter your entire heart. it was a terrible game of roulette, because you’d never know when you’d have to see the person. you’d never know when your heart would shatter again. everything’s so scary and you have this sense of feeling like you can’t trust anyone. 

she knew this first hand. she knew it because she’d been cheated on many times before. of course it was whenever she was younger, but it hurt to find out that your first kiss is snogging your friend from charms class. it hurts because it’s the person that you made time and space in your life to take care of. 

so she understood how he felt. she knew just how badly everything burned. the wound was still fresh and everything still burned, so crying it out was always the best option. she was open and expecting any explanation, but the one she got deserved a gasp. in which she gave, covering her mouth with a single hand. “ je suis désolé, alexander. you don’t deserve that. no one ever deserves that. you had every right to act out like that. fuck if it was me the bottle would have burst over his head. ”

       eventually  he  found  his  way  slightly  away  from  her.  but  he  knew  that  she  understood  exactly  what  he  was  talking  about.  &  he  thought  that  the  people  who  had  hurt  them  should  possibly  be  burned  at  the  stake.  things  were  not  fair.  but  it  seemed  that  things  being  fair  for  kind  people  never  worked  out.  he  took  a  moment,  to  think  of  what  to  say  to  her.  

         ❛  i  care  about  him,  i  think  he  made  a  big  mistake  that  he  is  sorry  for.  but  i  don’t  know  if  he’s  sorry  for  hurting  me  or  sorry  for  showing  he  can  be  an  awful  person.  it’s  been  like  he’s  trying  to  make  things  worse  for  himself,  trying  to  prove  he  isn’t  hero.  but  i  don’t  understand  it  because  no  one  is  asking  him  to  be.  if  anything,  i’d  like  him  to  view  ME  as  a  hero.  i  don’t  need  him  to  be  anything  he  isn’t.  ❜   &  he  knew  he  should  be  saying  these  things  to  james,  not  to  zara  who  could  do  nothing  about  the  situation,  but  here  he  was.  he  didn’t  want  to  tell  james  because  if  he  was  going  to  go  back  he  was  going  to  pretend  nothing  all  that  bad  had  happened.

          ❛  i  bet  you’re  sorry  for  asking  what  was  the  matter,  ❜  he  offered  her  a  small  smile.

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╰ °✧  DUBOIS, Z.

as she listened to him speak, she realized that she didn’t even know who alexander was seeing. she felt so horrible in that moment because she felt as if she had forgotten to check in on her friends. but as soon as it was revealed that his boyfriend was none other than james potter, she started to have an idea of what might have happened to him.

zara didn’t have anything against james, because she’d only spoke with him in passing and the only thing she truly found herself upset about was something that she couldn’t change. though, her feelings about the potter boy didn’t matter. it was about what he’d done to alex.

 “ alexander, listen, you can tell me anything you want. i’m here to listen. get all of this bullshit off of your chest, because as soon as it is clear you’ll have a level-head, ” she moved away from their embrace and placed her hands on either side of his cheeks, and pressed a solid kiss to his forehead before speaking again. “ and whenever your mind is free of all conflicting thoughts maybe then you’ll want to muster up the courage to speak with him. even in times like this when you don’t want to look him in the face. you need to talk to him about it. tell him just how badly you’re hurting. take control of the situation and don’t let the pretty eyes of the man you care about break you. ”

       with  his  lips  still  quivering  he  gazed  at  his  friend  with  a  new  regard.  she  knew  what  she  was  saying  to  him,  &  he  thought  maybe  listening  to  her  would  be  a  good  idea.  but  he  was  terrified  to  even  think  about  james  let  alone  see  him  again.  because  all  he  could  think  about  was  how  whenever  james  was  crying,  alexander  didn’t  even  go  over  to  hold  him  &  expected  the  same  in  return.  he  should  have  stayed  with  james  instead  of  blowing  up  that  bottle  of  alcohol.  but  he  didn’t  because  he  was  too  self  absorbed  in  the  moment  to  think  about  it.  only  now  did  he  realise  james  might  not  try  to  win  him  back  because  of  his  actions.

       he  gazed  around  for  a  moment  before  he  moved  forward  to  whisper  to  her.  he  was  pretty  sure  if  he  didn’t  someone  would  hear  &  find  out.  ❛  it  wasn’t  even  with  a  student.  what  am  i  supposed  to  do  ?  if  he  didn’t  ruin  things  i  feel  like  i  did  because  i  .  .  .  well  i  used  magic  as  a  means  of  violence  &  i  made  his  bottle  of  whiskey  burst  into  little  pieces.  &  i  think  i  did  it  on  purpose.  ❜

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╰ °✧  DUBOIS, Z.

her fingers threaded through the boy’s hair as she brought him closer to her body, holding him tighter in her embrace. she didn’t mind that his tears smeared against her shoulder, all that she cared about was to make sure that alexander knew he wasn’t alone.

whenever he told her what had happened, a small bit of anger bubbled up in her stomach. why did anyone think that it was okay to hurt someone like that ? how were you supposed to trust anyone in this shitty world when someone would do something like that. you open your heart and soul for a person and all they do is shove a dagger through it. it wasn’t fair. none of it was fair– especially for her fellow ravenclaw. 

“ oh, alexander. oh, darling, ” her fingers ran through his hair, brushing through it softly though as if she was petting him. “ you need to talk to him. tell him exactly how you feel without any anger in your tone. it’s your decision if you want to trust him again. please know that if it is OVER, then they weren’t worth your time– because, darling, you deserve so much better. ”

     at  first  he  wasn’t  going  to  cry  again,  but  soon  enough  his  tears  made  a  reappearance.  of  all  of  the  people  to  cry  around  at  least  it  was  zara.  lanky  arms  found  their  way  around  her  as  he  started  to  cry  more.  there  was  so  much  he  wanted  to  tell  her,  so  many  words.  &  he  was  going  to.  because  at  least  he  thought  he  could  trust  one  of  his  only  friends  to  keep  secrets.  even  though  his  head  was  pressed  against  her,  he  moved  so  he  could  at  least  talk  to  her.

       his  lips  quivered  as  he  attempted  to  speak,  he  had  to  swallow  away  his  tears  once  again  which  was  oddly  getting  easy  for  him  to  do.  ❛  i  should’ve  known  all  of  the  stories  about  james  potter  were  true.  i  should’ve  listened.  who  goes  &  date  him  without  thinking  he  might  cheat  on  them  ?  i  mean  he  told  me  over  &  over  that  he  wasn’t  going  to  do  anything  like  that.  why  even  tell  me  that  if  it  was  all  lies  ?  maybe  i  never  would’ve  even  talked  to  him  in  the  first  place.  i  could’ve  GRADUATED  without  even  meeting  him  ever.  ❜  

         then  he  shook  his  head.  ❛  i  don’t  want  to  talk  to  him,  i’m  always  the  one  who  has  to  comfort  him.  like  when  his  dad  disappeared  who  was  there  for  him  ?  i  was.  but  if  something  bad  like  that  happened  to  me  i  don’t  know  if  he’d  be  there  for  me  too.   ❜

[fawcettt-blog1]

╰ °✧  DUBOIS, Z.

her heart absolutely hurt to see him like this. no person as sweet and pure as alexander deserved to cry like that. she knew damn well that it wasn’t the book that made him cry so passionately. she could see it in his eyes that there was something else that was troubling him– something much sadder than the man that traveled to the stars alone. 

so in that moment she’d decided that the pitch and her boyfriend could wait, because there was not a bone in her body that could leave alexander fawcett alone. she knew that he wouldn’t leave her if she was in this state, so it was only fair that she extended her arms out for him to fall into them. “ oh mon lapit, ” she cooed, wrapping her arms around the boy’s neck. “ you don’t have to tell me a story, i’ve read that book and i know it’s not that sad. what’s the matter ? ”

       slowly,  he  closed  his  book,  setting  it  to  the  side.  OF  COURSE  she’d  read  it.  how  could  he  have  thought  she  wouldn’t  ?  he  settled  against  her  despite  his  want  to  stay  as  far  away  from  people  as  possible.  because  alexander  could  never  be  a  cold  boy  who  shut  anyone  who  asked  out.  if  anything,  he  knew  he  needed  someone.  zara  knew  it  too.

         his  crying  stopped  for  a  moment  as  he  thought  of  what  to  say  to  her  before  answering,  ❛  my  boyfriend  cheated  on  me  &  i  want  to  hate  him  forever  but  i  can’t.  because  i  think  he  really  did  just  make  a  mistake.  but  .  .  .  he  still  hasn’t  come  to  find  me  so  i  think  we  might  be  over.  ❜