#random and emo and will prob delete but

[evansbby]

.

[an-organized-confusion]

That gender poll got me thinking abt the Gymrat!Crew.

Patton - Factory default. (Cis guy.)

Roman - Mr. Hopeless with Tech would be confused as all shit. (But Factory Default, boy's cis.)

Janus - Dynamically assigned on boot. (Genderfluid.)

Logan - System Update (binary trans guy.)

Remus - Data corruption. (AFAB file sectors marked for deletion, a lot was overwritten. Loves the fucked up mangle of data on recovery.)

Virgil - Found it on a random disk. (Remus will probs describe it as a dual-boot situation there. Emo's questioning but thinking abt labels like demiguy and bigender.)

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

sometime in this last week, or this week coming, my blog has turned/turns 10. god. a decade old. a whole ass chunk of my life i’ve spent on this hellsite. when i began on here, i was a kid. a lost, lonely, depressed and anxious 15/16 year old kid. a kid scared of her future. a kid confused about her future. what to do for uni. to change schools or not??? to do drama/acting at uni or english/philosophy or to move 8hrs away to another regional uni to “escape” her “washed up, dead end hometown” that was so typical of all the pop-punk music that she was listening to at the time.

she was a tad overdramatic, loud, “funny” (as described by her school friends) and terribly forgetful in regards to homework and school assignments. she was angry at the world, most especially the catholic school she was fucking sick and tired of attending. but she was convinced that since she was the so-called “funny girl”, that she simply couldn’t be depressed or anxious. she believed herself unloveable because she didn’t look like a weird mixture of hayley williams and emo-pop queen lights. but now, i no longer believe that i have to look like the women that i looked up to in the ~emo scene~. fuck beauty standards. i am loveable.

in the years since joining tumblr, i’ve managed to get through business college, my undergrad degree and, well, failed out of postgrad due to obvious burnout and health issues amongst other things. although i’ve lost many friends irl and many followers/mutuals online on here. for those who’ve stuck around to see me get through all of this, thank you. to all the friends/casual mutuals that have since deactivated or only followed me for a short time then unfollowed; thank you.

like obviously i was never/have never been a massive popular blog on here, like thebootydiaries or vampireapologist (who has since deactivated a couple of months ago) with tens of thousands of followers. my follower count is still close to the 8,000 range at 7,892. obviously that’s still a lot of people (and of course, porn bots lmao and many, many non-active blogs), enough like one super old post from like 2012 tumblr pointed out, enough for a small to medium sized city or town, or something like that. i don’t know how many people i’ve really reached. i really don’t know how i actually amassed this small army of people.

i am aware though, that on other platforms like snapchat (lmao does anyone even use it anymore in 2021???)/instagram/youtube/tiktok etc, i’d PROBABLY be considered as some type of ~micro influencer (🤮🤮)~. hell, i actually had a bot slide into my notes about being one on here on this hellsite back in 2019. i don’t know if i’ve ever actually ~influenced~ anyone on here with my shitposts (when i started making some) or my personal posts. i don’t know my reach. even though, now, i do occasionally get featured on buzzfeed listicles (although pay me buzzfeed along with the OPs of those original embedded posts), i still don’t know how many people i’ve reached… and even with my very occasional checks of google analytics lmao. on top of this, grappling with the loss of followers at times is much, much easier than it was when i began on here and the first few years following that. i know that my follower count doesn’t determine my worth and stuff.

but over these 10 years, i have grown. i turn 26 this year. back in 2011, 15/16yo me never thought she’d be here. she was partially down the suicidal thoughts hole, with things about ~picturing her funeral and wondering who’d bother to turn up. if only she could pretend to be dead for a day to see who’d give a fuck~ and 16-18yo me was defs down it with her HSC hellscape thoughts in 2012/2013. that 3rd floor tafe/tech women’s bathroom window drop and the thought of scarring her class for life (and that cool dude from catholic school that she crushed on who ended up at tafe with her) with jumping out of it onto the concrete below. instead, she just posted on fb about ~being a failure~ etc which ultimately did lose her a bunch of facebook friends lmao. it was practically the same thing. her mental breakdown after the end of her hsc, where she let her earrings go green and get infected in her ears because “fuck self care, bc what the fuck is it??? i’ll never get better! let me fucking wallow in my self loathing bc it’s the only thing that i’m fucking good at!!!” so i no longer have my ears pierced. oh! it was just all too fucking much!!

i am happier today. i no longer have those semi-suicidal thoughts. hell, i almost died in 2020 from a fucking bowel aneurysm, after my stomach tumour excision surgery. that forced me to put things into perspective. i appreciate the little things . i appreciate the very few friends that i actually have. yes. i’m still depressed and anxious. some days are still shitty and hard. but nowhere as hard and shitty as they were back when i began on here 10 years ago.

how the fuck last 10 years have gone past, with my ass on here; clearing out my blog and caring more about doing that than my uni work (lmao whoops); having made some lifelong friends both internationally (from the US) and long distance domestically in australia, it’s been a long ride; i honestly have no fucking idea. obviously over these past 10 years, i’ve debated with myself over and over and over again whether i should delete/deactivate this account or not. would it make me healthier??? more than likely. but then when i have meltdowns or just inner ramblings i have to get out somewhere, where else to post??? on fb?? obvs not. it’s “attention seeking” or the like on there. no one will read them. no one will resonate. but on here??? even if i got/get one “like” in the notes or one “yo i feel this” response in the tags or replies, it feels like i’ve reached someone??? okay yeah. i know this place IS NOT therapy and i’m not using my followers as amateur (or probs even actual professional) armchair psychologists…. which is a thing i think people need to stop doing internet-wide: but that’s a whole other post that i reblogged a few days ago lmao. i really need to get another therapist, actually lmao.

but it’s the community i’ve found hard to leave. i have what feel like friends, when i’ve never been employed (still as of yet); and when all of my irl friends/acquaintances are working and doing the whole ~adulting~ and ~grown up life~ thing right. it’s also the frenzied rabidness of spite with hating staff’s godawful ideas. the memes. oh the memes. and also the RaWrInG 20s XD emo scene reemergence on here that’s kept me here. the messy petty drama from time to time of big blogs fighting it out.

this place really is bizarre and fun sometimes. and also the fact that i can still hide behind the ridiculous “roaring pikachu” URL that i made all those years ago. i am anonymous. it’s freeing. but on fb it’s all like “WHY WONT YOU ADD A BANNER IMAGE AND TELL US 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOU!!!!!???? LET PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN 10 YEARS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE!!!” and the same goes for Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin) but in the professional sense instead. y’all know fuck all about me really. besides my posts. and i love that and live for that. okay yeah. y’all know more about my mental health than my fb feed obvs… which is probably a terribly unfortunate thing. but still.

over the last 10 years then, my superiority complex for being ~so original and intelligent~ or whatever the fuck i had in high school, has all but ebbed away. i’m not that smart just because i went to uni. hell, i literally did NONE of my in-class work and none of my philosophy readings in uni….. so i have fuck all idea of how i got through undergrad like that lmao. i’m not original when so many people can articulate the same thoughts that i have, but like, sometimes better, on a post (even though sometimes/most of the time the Tumblr User Hot Takes Tuesday™️ takes on here are fucking awful lmao). but still. originality is not something i really have anymore. or really had in the first place lmao.

so will i deactivate after these 10 years, like i’ve been saying for so, so long??? i honestly have no idea. but just know. thanks guise. have a nice gpoy selfie day XD. grab your wands. your tardises. grab your war paint. grab your whatever the fuck other fandom specific stuff that was one that hella cringe post from 2011 til 2015 random tumblr. that relic is as old as time itself. just as this mysterious roaring pikachu is for someone whose too loyal to leave this W E B B E D H E L L S I T E that’s just as much of a train wreck as she is. lmao.

[amalagam]

tagged by @offthehooklesbians​ :>

rules: answer the following 20 questions and then tag 20 blogs you want to get to know better

nicknames: none! am is short enough lol

height: somewhere between 5′3″ and 5′4″ ?

orientation: i KNOW i’m definitely not a straight. but other than that i’ve actually been really thinking about my identity recently. i’ll probs post about it when i figure it out. (wrt gender i’m nb which i wanted to say but there’s no section here for that)

nationality: thai-american

favorite fruit: CHERRIES... BEST

favorite season: that transition period between summer and autumn

favorite flowers: tiger lilies? are the first that came to mind lol

favorite scent: coffee... or lemon. or jasmine. or mint. i have a lot of fav smells.

favorite color: black. i’m emo

favorite animal: cat! they’re cute...

coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: ALL but i drink tea the most so that. coffee only if it’s like really sweet

average hours of sleep: USUALLY 6 but i like to have more

cat or dog person: cats... babies. i like dogs too tho

favorite fictional character(s): BIG SHRUG... i’ll remember some eventually

dream trip: ANYWHERE as long as i get to chill out and see cool shit. i just love traveling in general.

blog created: before i ACCIDENTALLY DELETED MY OLD BLOG it was sometime in 2011 but my new one’s only been here since this year :’)

number of followers: on my main i have 16 and on this one i have 12, both of which are much less stressful numbers than the hundreds i used to have..

random fact: h

not gonna tag but if u wanna do it u can!

[ariswashere]

Last post of 2020. It’s been a year of... Wtf.

✌🏻

Still got about an hour and thirty left and fireworks waited till tonight to bust out everything they had lol. Seriously started since 7 pm, like okay, is this going to end at 2 am? Haha

Now my neighbor above is making noise because for some reason I mention fireworks they like to tag team 😂 (now my neighbor is playing music she’s like now the partyyyy is starttingggg yeah enjoy it by your lonely. dolo life foreverrrr.. then it stopped.. it’s a roller coaster ride over hurrrr of emotionsss must be covid lol)

You think in 2021 it’s going to be different because I’m starting a new Insta page? It is but it isn’t haha. If anything everybody is going to get re-pissed off because I’m basically going to show you shit in my room that might make people feel some type of way lol (don’t they always feel some type of way? Damned if I do damned if I don’t). Will I follow girls from before? Not all of them, and you might see me follow girls I was following earlier last year idk yet, or I might slowly start following all of them but depending how popping my page gets 😂 which it prob won’t.

You think 2021 is going to be different? It’s more or less going to be the same for me unless I get a girlfriend or something or if venues/bars start opening up like that again which won’t happen till 2022 lmaooo

What a time to be young. What a time to be old. What a time to be in-between.

You know it’s all leading up to my room lol I mean I’ve already been showing y’all things but I delete. This time around even if I don’t get one like on my Insta post it’s staying. Because you know why nobody liked that shit? Because I always end up liking something nobody is even looking for no matter how many hashtags I put haha. Before I used to do the I’ll delete if nobody liked it. I also think when you’re starting a new page, people kind of expect you to like follow them back on that follow for a follow thing but you know how I am lol. It’s not a question of whether or not I get a follow I like, it’s a question of whether or not I think you’re worthy of following 😂 should i start following girls I secretly follow? Some of y’all would prob like that wouldn’t you?

And believe me I have a ton of shit in my room, all the way down to pins you put on backpacks and shit. It’s like making an Insta page where instead of Depop I’m selling things I’m showcasing all my material shame I spent money on the last decade. Think about this: if I post like two or three times a day, you think I’ll get more followers? Lol it’s all an experiment to see how “popping” I can make a page and actually be somewhat serious about it. Because what else could I be doing? Go out to LA and show you vegan spots to eat at? I’ve tried the clubbing thing and the music thing. Gotta bring it back to where all the magic happens- my room.

Tiktok? Only fans? Fuck that. Trying to be talented and sexy for people on the internet is lame lol for money? Shit, I just gotta be myself b no cap

Yup we got about 50 minutes left and this is how we’re ending it in 2020. A long personal statement to the masses and this weird cult following ive created hahaha but if you like me so much you should come to LA and touch my dick 😂

You know because while everybody around me insists to make noise, I’m making louder noise because whatever I say is ImPoRtAnT

Because the internet changes things. Imagine I have an Insta page with all the girls I follow 😂 imagine I try to follow girls I used to be following on tumblr and I happen to know their pages and what if they accept? What if they don’t? That’s the beauty of it. Because am I just a figment of your imagination? Did you mean what you said to me when we were closer? Does this make me a creeper or am I simply just having options and/or trying to find vibes that fit mine? Anything can happen in 2021

What if I remember them but they don’t remember me, ever try following private accounts? 😂 hmm what profile photo should I put up to make me as unlikeable as possible.. or likeable? Idk what do people judge your pages on? How hot your body is, how not nasty you are? Who knows. A bunch of weirdos or random pages are going to follow me and I’m just going to let it be because fuck it. I mean I play RoK and a lot of those foos on there are way different from me

I’m basically going to be a lot nicer in 2021 but I can’t stop the content I post in Abe’s room because there was a time when I was really into shit like that. You’re def going to see a lot of dvd and cd posts. And I won’t even watch them ahead of time hahaha I’m just going to post it like a normal dude with no thoughts about it like here remember this. I might say which ones are my favorite though and hashtag “favorite” them.

Nothing is a surprise. There is no need for yor 3rd eye or whatever. I’m telling y’all straight up.

Oh here’s something random: so you know my neighbor that has the vroom vroom car? Lol neighbor gossip.. but my mom told me that he isn’t here anymore because he got some issue with the fam. I mean haven’t been hearing him come to and fro so maybe he’s really gone. If this wasn’t the ultimate break up season, I don’t know what is.

Thirty minutes left

Who’s going to be the lucky lady in 2021 going to let me squeeze assets 😂 all hopeful

Now my neighbor is really pumping music. Yeah Thursday night party woooo because tomorrow is Friday we ain’t got shit to do woooo

My parents are already asleep and we had BJ’s for dinner

But that isn’t that kind of BJ I’m looking forward to 😂

Everybody grab their drinks it’s almost time to

Make

Out with your

Anime

Pillows

I wonder which one of y’all are going to end up moving somewhere next year because either you finally got enough whatever to get out of yor forsaken town or you simply needed a new environment. I would say one of y’all is going to get pregnant but I doubt it 😂

15 minutes left.. 15 minutes of fame? Someone’s going to get some internet job or join some popping networking team, might start doing twitch videos or something . Idk or they started a merch page. Those are the more likely things to happen unless you’ve been low key studying online and/or going to teach on the internet which is something my moms been pushing on me in 2020 but you know my Steelo. Live dAnGeRoUsLy uNsTaBle lol

10 minutes. If fireworks doesn’t do the explosion of the century at midnight foo is even more poosy than I thought because he just wasted his big ones when it didn’t even matter lolol

Patience is a virtue. For fireworks it’s like

He hasn’t masturbated for weeks and he needed it pronto lmao

You know? It’s like why fuck an average shawty when you can wait and get a dime

Fireworks is doing popcorn hits and there’s 8 minutes. C’mon son firepower 😂

Wasn’t believable try again

5 minutes left . That’s all I need. Meet me in the bathroom and bend over lmao

Can you imagine cumming at midnight

That’ll be the day

3 minutes.. at this rate we’re starting the new year off with same ol same ol by Monday we’re going to just feel cold

2? Oh you ain’t that excited too? 😎

Might start making music with my unc in 2021 never know

1 minute

Missy Elliott? 😂

Happy new year.