#ramblingmind

[preciselythoughtss]

...

my pup is very sick and I’m so scared of losing her. feels my heart being ripped apart seeing her in pain.

[fuzzycharles]

What to do?

One of the things I have noticed with this retirement experiment is that I have a tendency not to know what to do with my day. During the beginning, I would get up at a certain time, eat my breakfast, piddle around on social media, then go do something. This something could be the gym, yard work, house work, or even play video games.

Now that I am 6 months into this, my laziness and lack of a desire to do much of anything has caught up to me. My wake up time has become later, which is matched by my sleep time. I mindless flip through social media and news sites for more hours than I want to admit. When I tell myself I am going to go do something the night before, I change my mind the next morning.

I know why this happens and what I am doing to cause this to happen, outside of a general laziness that I happen to have. The question I keep asking myself is how do I change this? More importantly, I ask myself why do I want to change this? That is the real question that needs to be asked. My answers, of course, vary from day to day and situation to situation. Most revolve around the idea that I don't or don't have an end goal. This idea of an end goal has been a weird thing for me for most of my life. If I don't have an end goal, why do it?

To answer all of this, it is my lack of wanting to make a real decision about my life. I kinda like what I am able to do, even if it is a short lived experience. The lack of responsibility, the freedom to say "Fuck it. Let's go". The ability to just do nothing for the sake of doing nothing. This is something I do enjoy (I have been told I was born in the wrong era).

Alas, this does not help me answer the question of "What next?". My desires must be curtailed and shelved so that I can live in a world that requires certain resources and objects. I must pick the thing to do to obtain these things so that I can continue to live at a level I have grown a custom. Not saying I could live at a different level, if needed. I just need to at this moment.

So.. now what?

[wagingqueen]

Give them what they want, they'll forget what you want eventually.

-Waging Queen , Give give

[angeli1977]

Whether the glass is half full or half empty is up to you ... Learning to view life from a different angle #view#life#philosophical #ramblingmind #travel#life #glass#lounge#airport#gulfair#3dakkut#lamha #bahrain #ig_bahrain_ #bahraininstagram #bahrainairport #follow#travel#waiting #suchislife#photography #photooftheday #music# journey (at Bahrain International Airport)

[mindthelogic]

Good grief, my hiatuses can get long... Lasted a week with that one.

All I know is that in this strange time I've woken up in, I'm bored but busy, my scraggly beard is even more scraggly, and that music is still the best way to get off my ass and do things.

Hence why I'm checking in before my nose is back to the grindstone. Also! Kendo class! Turns out years of loose, hard and fast Kenpo training (a hand-to-hand martial arts style) kind of screws with your mind when you try to do Kendo, which is all about poise, focus, and being as rigid as physically possible. Look, I know my feet are supposed to be parallel, but when I can move faster with a side stance, I PREFER MY DAMN SIDE STANCE! Not to mention apparently my sword style is more preferable for cutting people open... rather than landing clean tournament hits. Huh.

[preciselythoughtss]

..

you ever feel like just offing it.

ohh how I crave that level of release.

something in me won’t let me have it.

it’s the responsibility. keeps me here.

I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it.

I really just want to be dead.

[preciselythoughtss]

The worst

is being denied affection.

[preciselythoughtss]

In a mood to fuck off to another country 🙃

[preciselythoughtss]

I need more good vibes in my life.

[preciselythoughtss]

this Egypt game got me stressin’

we’re only 20 mins in..

[preciselythoughtss]

Can anyone teach me how to surf?????

please

[preciselythoughtss]

honestly wish I was never born.

[preciselythoughtss]

any bored graphic designers out there?

I have an idea for an edit that runs pretty deep. It would be really neat if some could actually do it. Want to print and place it on my wall.

[preciselythoughtss]

thank god for weed honestly.

this shit is stressful.

[preciselythoughtss]

I really wish I had someone to talk to.

[preciselythoughtss]

...

my heart really hurts. physically feel like I’m gonna pass out.

don’t know how to relax.

nothing is helping.

no smokes no weed.

really wish this would stop.

by any means tbh.