#rambling and projecting probably but he is so important to me

[asspinkie]

astarion's concern with ascension and losing sunlight is just,, hmm,, something that strikes such a chord in me because he's concerned about his own freedom, yes, but he's also worried about the way this could restrain tav. just one of the ways that the ascension seems so much more beneficial to him, but more importantly (bc he can't put himself first) to tav and their relationship. it just feels like even when he's driven towards power, his motivator has shifted from personal concern to concern for tav. and obviously this isn't the healthiest and truly indicates his low self-esteem. but also tav would die for this man. tav would kill for this man. tav HAS killed for this man. it's not about what experiences astarion can offer tav (sunlight, sex, etc), but about who astarion is, and that he chooses to stay true to himself, regardless of whether tav is on the other side of that. just that trust is so integral to astarion's character. there's something poetic in there.

[arolesbianism]

Ok y'know what I'm going to be cringe and talk abt my nuggets more even tho I assume no one who follows me knows anything abt lob corp lol

Anyways first up look at my second ever nugget, Loki. He and Juliet are extremely close friends and were close since long before lob corp. The two went to college together and both took great interest in lob corp when it popped up, and he and Juliet are both deeply invested in their work there and fully believe in the cause. Loki primarily works with the information team, with him doing a lot of research work early on, and managing a lot of paperwork and general company information as he continued to work there. He and Juliet still interact fairly often as she is a head of the control team, and while they are very friendly with eachother they still very much use their time together seriously. Loki generally comes across as very grumpy and impatient, and he absolutely hates interacting with most of his coworkers. He values his time greatly, and sees most interactions outside of ones required for his work as a waste of time. He still values his time with Juliet greatly though, and while he will get very pissy when Juliet calls him her baby brother, he does indeed see her as a sister, and she might be the only thing he cares abt more than his work.

Next up is my 3rd nugget, London. He's a depressed middle aged woman man who forced himself to stop caring abt those around him after he was forced to give up his baby daughter in his youth. Nowadays he's mostly just trying to get by, and lob corp happened to pay well. He is generally not well liked by basically everyone, with lower ranking employees seeing him as cold and rude, and higher ranking ones seeing him as lazy and annoying. He is however really good at his job, which tends to catch most ppl off guard at first considering how little he seems to care abt everything. Underneath it all he's mostly just extremely depressed and going through the motions, he's just been balancing on thin margins for years now and has gotten the hang of surviving in a world that has been trying to tear him apart for years.

To continue going in chronological order despite my best instincts next we have my girl Yui. She's one of my less developed ones despite her being an oldie, but I still have some ideas for her. She's spent most of her time in the information team, and for most of time at lob corp she's actually had a much less hands on job and got very used to seeing the suffering around her as statistics and numbers. She eventually began to do more abnormality work and was moved to safety, but even as she came face to face with real death more she would still continue to fall back on seeing these events as numbers, and while she does do her best to try to help ppl where she can, she is generally rly distant and hard to connect to a lot of the time, especially as she tends to play devil's advocate for the higher ups, as trying to see the best in everyone won't come across well when those ppl are putting other ppl through hell every day.

Alright everyone we're back to the guy's I actually care abt cheer and clap for my girl Maxy right now. I've already talked abt her a lil bit, but she's another favorite child even though she's an absolute bastard in game who loves to suck at her job. Maxy is a generally very miserable person, with her feeling trapped in her circumstances and hating the feeling of being apathetic to the constant death surrounding her. When she first started working here however, she did have someone she somewhat cared abt. She had a mentor figure of sorts, a fairly anxious woman around her age, but still one that managed to bring some sense of comfort and guidance as she found her footing. Alas tho, this mentor of hers would end up dying on the job (I didn't feel like resetting the day so rip) and that was the beginning of Maxy's endless spiral. Pretty early on she was moved to safety, and she absolutely fucking hates it there, she hates how useless the department feels, and she hates that she feels more hatred at her stupid boss than she feels anything when her coworkers die. London actually used to work in security, and the two actually worked quite closely together for a long time. They had a very strained relationship however, as Maxy slowly began to start giving a shit abt London over time, a fact that she absolutely hated as she could tell London didn't give a shit abt her. Eventually London was transferred to records, and Maxy was left behind in safety to keep being sad all the time. She does have her terrible terrible girlfriend of course, and while Maxy doesn't feel she deserves Yuri's love, Yuri is also the main reason Maxy pushes forward despite everything, as just seeing Yuri smile makes it all feel worth it to her.

Ok ok last one for now because I need to sleep so say hi Daniel. He's another one that doesn't have a lot going on, he was simply a single dad who wanted a good job to support his adopted teenage daughter. He didn't exactly find that, but he does generally like his job. Now he is a leader in the training department, so it's not exactly like he has to deal with the worst of what this place has to offer, so his general complacency makes some amount of sense. He is also generally pretty good at helping out with morale in newer recruits, and he is generally seen as kind if a bit goofy at times. Most of those who've been around longer aren't as moved by his attempts to keep morale up however, as once you've been around long enough it becomes clear as day he's only made it this far out of pure luck. He can't truly help others get to where he is like he tries to because of that, and while part of him is aware of that, he also knows he can't afford to fully admit that to himself.

[blorbocedes]

BLONDE TWINK BARES IT ALL! GETS A MASSAGE ;)

williams!era nico gets a massage by dr.dot for RTL in a video that looks like a casting couch bad porn intro. 1/2/2009

below i explain the lengths i went to find this 👇 its v long

so our story starts a few months ago when i began frantically dming my oldest nicologist friend @colors-of-feeling if she remembered this video. I had only half remembered recollections at this point, and i really only remembered the video because it looks so much like a casting couch porn intro. I know I screenshot it but I went through my gallery and couldn't find it. i knew I had seen it a very long time ago and care is one of my first mutuals, so anything nico I've seen she's seen. she doesn't rmbr 😓

now im like holy shit did i make it up. still i plead care to turn her archive public so i can go through it. no luck. i went through my own archive, even though i know I didn't reblog it because it had been a youtube link instead of the video. and i regretted it so bad, because i know that low quality few hundred or thousand views videos from 2000s is basically lost footage because youtubes search is basically incomprehensible. I also went through the archives of other blogs that nico posted back in 2021 for any sign that I didn't just project and Imagine it. no luck.

feeling defeated i go to my final hope, the nicologist of all nicologists @distantlaughter... with only half baked and increasingly hysterical descriptors "umm its like a casting couch video! a boat! but the boat is parked 🤔 maybe the masseuse had pigtails" i rambled, normally like a normal person.

ren the absolute darling immediately pops up with a video of shirtless nico get massaged. its not.

and another one. not that either 😓 we underestimated just how much nico posted getting a shirtless massage.

finally. FINALLY. ren dms me like 10 seconds of this video hidden in a nico rosberg compilation fan video that is even in worse quality. but it's this video!!!!!! it EXISTS!!! im not crazy....... but that 3 pixel collage was proof that it was real, but alas not post worthy. There was an RTL logo in the corner so in one final futile search, we searched RTL archives which unfortunately did not go far enough. We were doing literal detective work like from the 10 seconds of the fanvid we concluded it was like, probably an RTL monaco promo video hence the coastline and the boat, and given nico's hair length it must be williams (or 2010 merc). but nothing further than that. still ren is the absolute goat nicologist who figured it out from just my descriptions alone 🙏🙏🙏

with that I ended my search, knowing it was real at least, even if it wasn't the full video.

today i got a storage full notification. so I started frantically deleting random videos I had on my phone from years. and buried in august 9, 2022 almost exactly TWO years ago . was 5 seconds of this video and the when the screen recording closed you could see it was from a video called Dr. Dot.

this time im posting the video, im also going to ask @argentinagp to gif it so this buried, almost lost footage less than 1k youtube video can get a second life again, and so we can all enjoy weird late 2000s whoring drivers out. ❤️

all of this could be avoided if simply 2 years ago I had reblogged and tagged the original link. archival work is often thankless and pointless but wow, sometimes it can feel so rewarding. so enjoy!

which brings me to the most important part. doesn't he totally look like a twink in a bad porno here?

[farshootergotme]

Now that I have the confidence to send you asks, fully expect me to bug you periodically from here on out

Anyways- do you think Dick qualifies as a scapegoat? Cause I 100% think he's a scapegoat. People always try to shove the 'golden child' role onto Dick, and it always confused me cause like. He doesn't fit it at all if you actually look into what a golden child is.

Dick is definitely one of the scapegoats of the batfamily (Jason being the other) and it makes me sad that people always label him a golden child when he's the exact opposite. Seriously- he's hit, beaten, unfairly blamed, lashed out at, not told about important things (Jason or being replaced, Jason dying, Jason's funeral, probably other things, i wouldn't be surprised), etc. Definition of a scapegoat to me.

It's also why I hesitate to label him the 'favorite' even when the comics try to say otherwise. Mostly because... favorite children aren't really treated this way. Favorite weapon, maybe, as I've said in a post I've made before, but that's it. Bruce wouldn't kill for him or any of his kids. He's come close, yeah, but he's also come close to killing the Joker too after Jason's death and had to be threatened into not doing it. Every time, it's in a strong surge of emotion, and the second Bruce thinks rationally- well, he doesn't do it. Dick isn't at all unique, Bruce wouldn't kill for him either.

I think Bruce is the most proud of Dick, and has a unique relationship with him due to knowing him the longest and the parentification, but I don't think that makes him the favorite. Maybe to the other batkids, but probably not in reality.

I don't think Bruce really HAS a favorite- Dick is probably the closest to it, but still.

Though, if you wanna play around with angst and fanon ideas, maybe both Dick and Jason are the favorites and that's why Bruce treats them the worst? Dunno, it'd make a fun fic, even if it's not really grounded in canon (though I ignore RHATO and Comic UTRH).

Idk. Just,, gestures. Dick is a scapegoat to me.

Hope my 2 am rambling made sense lol

Okay, I see you, but I'll argue:

Dick Grayson is both the scapegoat and the golden child.

Now, you might not believe this since he doesn't tend to be both at the same time, and it isn't common for these roles to exist within the same individual. But Dick Grayson is praised and favored as much as he's blamed and pushed.

A golden child is the one who carries most of the expectations in the family. The parent expects them to be perfect, make no mistakes, take on roles they're pushed into with no issue (thus parentification can happen), and continue on and on to be good enough and meet the criteria so they don't make the parent disappointed.

The love is conditional hence they develop this unhealthy perfectionism and self-esteem and self-worth issues that will follow them till adulthood even when they're out of that environment and living their own lives.

The reason why a parent might choose a specific child (or children) to be the favored one is because they tend to see this child as an extension of themselves. And consequential to this, they will project their insecurities onto said child and force them to improve—be the best—where they fall short. All of their capabilities are overvalued, making the parent see them as special and much better than the rest, causing the unrealistic expectations a child must hold and fulfill so as not to “fail” their parent(s).

Although this child might seem like the favorite and who could do no wrong on the outside, the love they receive isn't something they can take for granted.

When a golden child underperforms or isn't as good as they're expected, the parent’s demeanor might change. They will feel the disappointment and fear this might cause the treatment they get to change. Sometimes the child might even fear abandonment or rejection from their parent as a result of their failures.

The mix of all this turns into a person who's over-competent, hard-working and someone that tends to take charge of things so they aren't at risk of failing, making them ‘natural’ leaders in any group they might be part of.

Sounding familiar yet?

Now, let's move on to the scapegoat:

A scapegoat child is the one that is blamed by all the things that go wrong in the family. They are constantly criticized and shamed by things they might've not even been part of, but somehow they're now involved and taking all the blame for the others so there are no consequences for anyone but them.

(All the blame also messes with their perception of certain events, making them prone to self-blame for the problems that occur in the family or their behaviors towards them.)

The scapegoating in the family may be due to subconscious projection from the parent when they're dealing with difficult emotions such as shame, guilt, rage, etc. They feel threatened by their own feelings and therefore they will try to escape from them by externalizing those feelings and making them their scapegoat’s problem.

Because of this treatment, the scapegoat might become an outsider in the family, feeling excluded and isolated from the rest. And for this, when push comes to shove and they're going through a rough patch, they will not have any reliable support they can go to inside the family as they'll be ignored or otherwise unfairly treated, having their feelings be invalidated.

Like the golden child, there's some aspects the scapegoat shares with the former:

Being treated differently by the parent/family.

Having unrealistic expectations placed upon them.

Being pushed into roles or responsibilities the child isn't meant to take.

Fear of expressing how they feel.

Self-worth issues and low self-esteem.

Although they're usually roles that are considered opposites, they aren't as incompatible as one might think. A child can alternate between being a scapegoat or the golden child, and this usually happens when the parent is very emotionally unstable, commonly due to a disorder such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD).

(I have so many thoughts about the latter applying to Bruce, but I will refrain from elaborating to not make this longer than it needs to be)

Having all I've said until now in consideration, I'm sure you've noticed how Dick meets both criterias—dare I say the golden child more often than the scapegoat.

Bruce is always speaking about how Dick is “better than him” and “the thing he's ever done right”, but in both of these statements you can see he's taking who Dick is and making it as something that's part of him, comparing Dick's accomplishments to his and putting him in this pedestal, and because of this projection happens and Bruce starts seeing Dick as an extension of himself.

This is why, when he or Dick fail, Dick will suddenly become the scapegoat, contrasting with the former golden child position he was in.

Here you can see the high expectations, praise for his accomplishments, his siblings feeling like Dick is better than them (i.e. treated differently than the rest), and you can also see how when he doesn't meet the expectations, he's met with disappointment (see: Alfred disappointed he's not as bright as he usually is) or judgment (see: Bruce angry at him because he isn't committing to his cause as much as he expects him to).

And these are examples of Bruce being too harsh on Dick and expecting him to do better, blaming him for his brother's death, and in result Dick having a habit of blaming himself and accepting mistreatment, thinking it must be his fault.

More often than not, Dick is put on a pedestal by his family and even his friends sometimes. They praise and love him, but when there's occasions in which he's acting less than perfect, the treatment towards him can change.

Dick Grayson can be the golden child as much as he can be the scapegoat.

[dancingbabya-notes]

Their name for you

<-•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•->

Your partner didn’t always call you by the nickname he has for you now, but there was a reason that he started referring to you that way.

Characters: Togata Mirio, Amajiki Tamaki, Shinso Hitoshi, Bakugo Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Kaminari Denki, Kirishima Eijiro, Shoji Mezo, Todoroki Shoto

!!!this version is fixed and has the rest of todoroki's part!!!

<-•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•→

Mirio

You simply shook the snow that was covering your wings and quickly melted sending a terrible chill up your spine. “Fuck it’s freezing.”

“Oh, come on L/N, it’s not that cold.” Yuyu laughs as she throws another snowball at your back.

Squeaking when the snow slides down your skin between your wings. “Yuyu!” Your quirk picked up making the immediate section around you colder.

Suddenly someone’s hands were on your shoulders. “Now Birdy, calm down a little bit. If you’re cold I can just keep your warm.”

You nearly shoved your classmate away with your wings, but the bandage that was holding two of the four in splints prevented that. “Mirio, I’d beat you if I could.”

“Awe come on Sunshine, don’t pout.”

Sighing a bit, you lean back into his hold. “Fuck off.”

“That’s my Birdy.”

You quirked a brow. “You know if anyone, but you called me birdy I’d probably get suspended.”

Feeling his chest as he hums you roll your eyes before continuing the walk to class.

Amajiki

“Y/N.” you whip around completely forgetting where you were and the pile of fabric that your classmates had stacked on your head to see how much weight could be put on your head before you stopped working-- which was a lot more than they thought so they stopped mid-way.

Your body teetered as you tried to adjust it, so you sat properly-- not a poor example of a shrimp while you were working on your projects-- and you also fell backward because a lot of the fabric was still attached to the bolts. Before you could fall back into the precariously placed bag of sewing supplies, arms pulled you up, so you were at least on the tips of your feet as Amajiki kept you from sustaining further injury than was allowed.

“Sorry Amajiki,” you chuckle a little bit glancing at the mess behind you. “Damn I could have sworn I told them to clean up everything after they were done.”

“Are you okay Lovely?” His face was red, and he would probably pass out if he didn’t calm down soon.

“Yes, I’m fine, but why the nick name all of a sudden?” you chuckle making sure you had a clear space to stand.

You could just see his head practically burning up from how red he was getting. “ I- I

Smiling, you give him a quick hug. “I like it, Tamaki.”

He stood there for a moment before pulling his tall form into a ball on the ground, incoherent rambling comes out, but you did hear a mention of your name and how he thought lovely suited you which made your ears burn as you tried to busy yourself with cleaning up the mess.

Shinso

He could have been stereotypical and called you “Kitten” or “kitty” but no. You didn’t remember a cat in his eyes, and no matter how much he argued that he was a cat person, your personality was not cat like.

“Puppy, are we out of the cat treats again?” Hitoshi asked one day while you were busy cleaning the bathroom.

You nearly took out the tub spout with the speed with which your head came up, recoiling from impact you fell face first into the cloth you were using to clean the tub. There was no worry about chemical burn you were rinsing the tub which made how you hit the tub spout even more confusing. Hitoshi runs into the bathroom to see what happened and if you were okay.

Although it was a bit strained you managed to speak. “Y-yeah we ran out a few days ago I wrote it on the fridge.”

Shutting off the water and checking the back of your head for any sign of blood Hitoshi groans. “Thats not important are you okay puppy?”

There it was again. You look up at him, eyes big as you point to yourself. “You mean me puppy?”

“Yes, you’re…

He didn’t get a chance to finish his explanation as you ignored the slight throbbing in the back of your head as you practically tackled him to the ground into a hug. Defeated and tired, his hand rubs your back as he doesn’t even bother getting off the still very wet floor, he’d have to take a long bath later and he’d be lucky if you let him have that long before you complained that you wanted his attention again.

“Yup, definitely a puppy.” he sighs, as you hug him a little tighter. It was a wonder you weren’t in any specialized field with how much strength you had, but it was mainly due to working at your family’s pet shelter and being the only one confident enough to handle the more playful dogs.

Bakugo

You’d called your boyfriend many different terms of affection depending on how you were feeling. But he very rarely used one for you. It didn’t matter to you because you knew he showed affection differently.

“Tsuki!” You shout from the second floor of your house, you both decided early on to buy a house and whoever wanted to keep it could not that it mattered he had absolutely no plans of leaving you alone at any time.

When you were met with silence you leaned out of the doorway. “Tsuki!” being a little bit louder.

Thinking that he was wearing headphones or something you were about to scream for him. Only for him to tap you on the shoulder. Nearly jumping from your skin, you leaned a little too far on the banister. His arm catching you before you can fall over.

“I just keep catching you don’t I, happy?”

You nearly narrow your eyes at him, but he just pulls you closer before kissing the top of your head.

“Happiness needs someone to be Happy.” he mumbles.

You smile as you hug him tightly. “We gotta replace the banister now, don’t we?”

“Yes, we do, the hell were you yelling about anyway?” he frowns looking into the room you were just in.

You pull him in and point. “Ah, um… we should probably call an exterminator.”

Midoriya

You roll your eyes as Midoriya was once again showing off during agency training, everyone was doing their best to get stronger and not everyone had the correct conditions to train their quirks-- you included, seeing as every time you tried to train you regenerative quirk you were practically grounded to the school. IT wasn’t like you didn’t understand why he was praised, there was more to it than simply training. But you still found yourself saying: “Congratulations do you want a cookie?”

Midoriya smiles as he pulls you into a tight hug. “Yes, I do Cookie.”

Your heart leapt a bit as he did this, but deciding to be a bit of a menace he bites your cheek. Pushing him away you huff. “That’s not sanitary I’m covered in sweat.”

Suddenly he was pushed off you. “For fucks sake keep your damn hands to yourself.” Bakugo groans as he nudges you a bit too.

Which was a bit of an alarm for you since he was not one to pull his punches with any of them. You grab his arm watching as he seemed to relax a bit. “How long have you been avoiding me Blasty?”

“None of your damn business mind reader.”

“Awe come on, Kacchan, Cookie is as sweet on you as they are on me,” Midoriya pouts a bit as he pushes against Bakugo’s still extended arm.

Bakugo rolls his eyes a bit as he doesn’t budge. “I don’t want any part of your sappy relationship.”

“Are you sure? Puppy would probably be much more excited if you were a part of it,” you tease as you wait for your quirk to stop patching him up.

Kaminari

Bouncing from one foot to the other you hated waiting for Power-loader to allow you into the lab, it wasn’t like you were banned from it you simply were given time limits. With your quirks it was kind of like a cooldown because who knew how dazed you’d be if you spent the entire day using your flame breath. Once allowed inside you zip from one space to another quickly grabbing your things and returning to your earlier tasks. Kaminari, who needed you to recalibrate his disk shooters.

“You look like a little bumblebee buzzing about.” He chuckles.

Pausing in your tracks you look directly at him. “Thank you for the compliment. Now put your disk shooters on my table space so I can start fixing them.”

“Of course, bumblebee,” He beams before getting hit with something.

“No. No.” You frown covering your face, because now your heart was in your ears. Great you’ll have to face the consequences of this later because this idiot decided to say something like that. Making fall a little bit more in love with him.

Hearing a sharp. “L/N!” before trying to clean up the mess you’d just made.

Kirishima

Since you had a harder time with Japanese than you’d like to admit so early on in your relationship you called your friend Kirishima “Edgy” because for some reason his name just made you think that was the right way to say his name on top if his quirk.

“Eiji, where are my extra weights?” It wasn’t uncommon for him to be in your apartment at any moment simply because he enjoyed being in your company.

He looks around. “Uh, I dunno Babe do you think you forgot them?”

“No, I haven’t even used them yet.” You mumble trying to think.

“Baby.”

As you pace around the mini gym you had in your apartment you look for the missing weights.

“Love.”

Not finding them in the closet you cross your arms.

“The light of my life.”

Glaring at the ground you try to wrack your brain for where you could have placed them coming up blank when your face is picked up and squished in a hand that was rather large.

“Rosebud.”

Blinking you look at Eijiro confused as you felt embarrassed for ignoring him this whole time before a sharp smile is in your face.

“You left them by the door rosebud.” he chuckles a bit before planting a kiss on your nose and pulling away.

“You’re the worst you know that right?”

He simply laughs before pulling you into a hug and preparing your face with kisses.

Shoji

Dating was difficult with your quirk. Eyes constantly glued to the ground and never looking at another if you can help yourself. So, when your current partner started referring to you by a pet name you couldn’t help but look up at him. Towering over you small frame as he crossed his arms.

“Stardust when was the last time you took a break?” Mezo wasn’t mad and you knew that, but your head hung down a little bit.

“I can’t remember,” was all you could muster before he plucked you up from your computer chair like he normally would.

Pouting a little bit, it was hard for you to even fathom why he called you this, even as you were being placed on the couch.

As if reading your mind Mezo chuckles as he pulls a blanket from the nearby chair. “I call you stardust because of the performance from school.”

“Huh?”

“Because the first time you really looked up your eyes sparkled like stars.”

You pull the blanket over your head not even wanting to look at him. “Mezo that’s not fair.”

Todoroki

“Sho?” you felt like every time you visited this man, you’d lose him somewhere in the maze that was his childhood home. Not that there were any happy memories left from the large place, but you found that for his other family members sakes he returned.

You were surprised by how accommodating the entire building was, though you had to gently remind yourself that not everyone was the same height as Enji. Not finding the dual quirk user anywhere near where you’d been, you began hunting for him. Because the moment you left without telling him first you could only imagine the problems that would cause and the abuse of money that would start.

As you looked around for your boyfriend you wondered about something for a while now, Shoto had never referred to you by your given name, he’d often tap you or stood behind you-- often giving you a near heart attack when you’d turn and almost smack him with your wing.

“Sho, where are you?” you call out a bit as you kept looking around.

Fuyumi waves as she notices you in the hall. “Oh, y/n I was wondering where were, have you seen Shoto?”

Shaking your head, you sigh. “I was just looking for him so I can let him know I was gonna head home.”

“Huh.” his sister crosses her arms trying to pinpoint where in the house her youngest brother would be.

Before you realize you felt the temperature change behind you seeing your breath a bit. “Oh there you are Sho.”

He pulls you into a hug and from how tight his hands were against you there much be something wrong.

“Hey? Do you need me to stay the night?” you ask as you try to hug him back.

He nods against your shoulder, and his hold gets tighter.

Fuyumi waves a bit. “I’ll make you some extra dinner let me know if anything changes.”

Nodding a bit you follow Shoto as he pulls you along his grip on your hand as if the moment he let go you’d disappear, but he wasn’t dragging you. Once you got to his room you sit down and hold your arms open for him to cuddle into you. Your wings going up to kind of create a slight separation between the two of you and the rest of the world.

“My love you’ll never leave me right?” he whispers.

You look down at him and hug him tightly. “Did you have a bad dream?”

He nods.

“Of course as long as you want me next to you I will never leave,” you state.

“Thank you my love.” He states.

Chuckling a bit you rub his back to sooth him a little bit. “Is that your name for me now?”

“Yes because you are my love.”

[daiziesssart]

a humiliatingly long character analysis of lily evans

Someone sent me an ask that briefly mentioned how misunderstood Lily is, and before I knew it I was typing out this monster. I am. sorry. This is literally just me rambling about her, what I find compelling about her character, and why her character is so often misunderstood.

This is long as hell so I'm putting it under a read more lolol

Part of the reason I like Lily so much (other than my being ginger and projecting onto any redheaded female character I see) is that even though she isn’t explored as much as her other Marauders Era counterparts, we know enough about her to start building the framework for her character. And what I see is a girl who was incredibly interesting, kind, and flawed.

One thing I always think about in regards to Lily is that she was dealt with a pretty unfair hand. As soon as she receives her letter, she’s basically torn between two worlds, both of which have been less than welcome to her. On one hand, we have the muggle world that she’s known all her life, but once she starts integrating into the wizarding world, she likely feels a bit of a disconnect with that world. To twist the knife further, her sister- whom she loved dearly and grew up so close with- starts outwardly resenting her with such unbridled hostility that they likely couldn’t even be in a room alone together without major conflict. 

On the other hand, we have the wizarding world– a world she’s not as familiar with and one she soon learns holds a demographic of people who hate everything she is and would rather see her excommunicated or even dead. And even though finding out you’re a witch/wizard is probably such an exciting and life-changing moment, I can’t help but also take note of the difficulties, especially if you’re the only one in your family with magic. You’re essentially uprooted from the only way of life you’ve known at an already complicated age, and now you have to quickly become acclimated to this new world that you only just found out existed. Not only that, but now you’re suddenly attending a school with classes that are primarily focused on this world of magic (which is still brand new to you), and you have to work extra hard to play catch up in order to do well. Like, that all seems like… a lot for a kid to handle.

And then I remember how young she was when she was thrown into that mess. She was only 11, and kids that age desperately crave any sense of belonging. I mean, that’s something that still holds true for adults, but it’s especially critical for a developing child. So imagine Lily, ages 11-15, struggling to stay afloat in this weird purgatory between these two parts of herself, both of which have been the cause for major and traumatic experiences relating to rejection in her life.

(I say it was the “cause” even though it’s obvious that those things were never her fault at all, but when you’re a young kid navigating the world, the only thing you’re able to process is that the common denominator is you, therefore you’re the one who must shoulder the blame.)

So now we have this tween-teenaged girl who has a dysfunctional relationship with two major parts of identity and probably feels absolutely lost. 

This is why her hesitancy to end her friendship with Snape makes sense to me. Even though by fifth year he’s already well past toeing the line with the dark arts, Lily was willing to overlook some pretty egregious and troubling things in order to maintain the relationship. I kind of interpret that as her way of desperately clinging on to any sense of belonging she has left; her relationship with Petunia has already been poisoned, and now there are people who resent her existence as a witch; if she loses Severus too, what and who else does she have? And what tone does that set for her, if everyone and everything she’s come to hold close to her ends up turning her away?

It’s also important to note that not only is Severus one of her few remaining connections to the muggle world, but he’s also a wizard who grew up in the muggle world; he understands her, and I don’t doubt that he gave her some stability at times when she needed it (her finding out about her being a witch, her having trouble acclimating to the wizarding world, etc).

I see this as being one of her flaws and I can actually appreciate how relatable and realistic it feels. Lily is not a bad person; on the contrary, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone to describe her as such. Not to get all clinical and boring, but the interesting thing about (unhealthy) coping mechanisms is that it can actually be really hard to identify them in your own behavior. Unless you’re in therapy and/or are actively psychoanalyzing yourself, you likely don’t even realize how many of your common behaviors are born from self defense mechanisms put in place by your brain after past events.

To me, it makes sense why she avoided actually confronting the idea that Snape was too far gone. We know that she was aware of the path Severus was taking, but it almost seems like she was still convinced that she could save him, and could possibly steer him back in the right direction. It’s only when she becomes the target of his bigotry that she realizes that the Snape who called her a ‘mudblood’ was not the same Severus who was the one who held her hand and introduced her to this new, exciting world.

In a general sense, yes, it is selfish, to only take a stand when something starts affecting you personally. But I also think it’s important to note that it’s unlikely that this was a conscious decision on Lily’s part. In my eyes, it was easier to delude herself into thinking she still had a chance to save him before it was too late when she was able to separate him from his actions (considering, a lot of the time, she was only hearing about them after the fact, rather than seeing them firsthand). But the elusion is shattered once she sees that the Snape she grew up with– her friend, Severus– is, in fact, the same person who’s out there calling other students slurs, dismissing the malicious use of Dark Magic on others as just “a laugh”. There we see a Lily who is actually revealed to have been somewhat aware of Snape’s involvement with the darker side of magic, and genuinely feels pretty ashamed about her inaction.

Also, this is in no way me being a Snape-anti, and I actually could do an entire separate analysis on his character alone and why I find him so interesting.

Anyways, that moment in SWM is probably somewhat of an epiphany to her. It’s like a dam that’s been broken, and now she’s overwhelmed with the realization of exactly how much she overlooked in order to keep their friendship afloat. And for someone like Lily Evans, someone whom we know is opinionated and unafraid to call others out on their bullshit, that can be hard to swallow and feel pretty mortifying and shameful. And I think this was a huge turning point for her- at that point, she doesn’t have the luxury of avoiding uncomfortable truths anymore and now that she’s getting closer to graduating and being thrown out into the world on the brink of war, this was probably a really sobering discovery.

This is where we don’t have as much info to go off of, and a lot of it is up to interpretation. But we actually have little crumbs to go off of following her graduation and leading up to her death.

One of my favorite little tidbits isn’t in the books, and @seriousbrat's post reminded me about it. Here's the actual entry on Pottermore for anyone who's interested, but I'll summarize: after James and Lily began dating, Lily brings James to meet newly engaged Petunia and Vernon. Everything goes downhill, because Vernon is a smarmy asshole, and James is still pretty immature and can’t help but mess with him (which… fair, I guess). Petunia and Vernon storm out after Petunia letting Lily know that she had no intentions of having her as a bridesmaid, which causes Lily to break down into tears. I mention this because I also think it’s a pretty important aspect of her character; like we’ve seen in her past friendship with Snape, Lily seems more than willing to forgive others most of the time. Petunia is a bit of a complicated character herself, but she was objectively very cruel and unfair to Lily once it became obvious that she was a witch and Petunia was not.

Something that always stands out to me is just how desperate Lily is to earn Petunia’s trust and approval again. Even up until her death, she was more than willing to mend the relationship, were Petunia ever to consider. 

This is a detail about Lily that I feel is misunderstood quite a bit. I’ve seen a lot of instances of her character being reduced to a one-dimensional archetype with little to no complexity. And often, that archetype is “know-it-all, prudish, self righteous bookworm who is also a goody two-shoes with a stick up her ass”. What annoys me is that the reason for this is most definitely the scene in which she blows up at James in SWM for bullying Snape, and hurls quite a few insults at him directly after an extremely devastating and overwhelming situation for her. This frustrates me because we know for a fact that she’s the polar opposite of this archetype I’ve seen her reduced to. 

In actuality, she’s referred to as popular, charming, witty, bright and kind. From flashbacks we also are shown that she’s opinionated, bold, and not afraid to challenge others. With other context, like her interpersonal relationships, we can also see that she’s pretty emotionally driven and wears her heart on her sleeve. 

(I know Remus didn’t mention Lily much in the books, but I really love how he described her in the movies. He tells Harry that the first thing he noticed about him was not his striking resemblance to his father, but his eyes, the same eyes Lily had. He also calls her a “singularly gifted witch” and an “uncommonly kind woman”.

“She had a way of seeing the beauty in others, even and perhaps most especially, when that person could not see it in themselves.”

I know there are mixed feelings on whether or not the films count as canon source material, so take it with a grain of salt, but I personally cannot see a world in which Lily and Remus didn’t become close friends.)

Here we have a direct description of what she was like and who she was, corroborated by recounting of memories of her, and yet for some reason, this feels like the thing that is most commonly lost in translation.

I don’t think I can say why I think that is without mentioning the dreaded M word (misogyny- it’s misogyny), but I also don’t want to get too off topic so I’ll be brief: female characters are typically not given the same grace as male characters. When we have an undeveloped male character, he’s awarded the assumption that despite his lack of depth, there still exists a complex and multifaceted character– it’s merely just potential that hasn’t been tapped into. Whereas when we have underdeveloped female characters, they are taken at face value, meaning that not much exists beyond the little information we have of them. They are not presumed to have a life or a story that exists beyond the surface of what we know like male characters are. That’s why I think characters like Regulus, Evan, or Barty (just to name a few) are more popular than Lily, despite being less developed than she is.

(Before anyone gets defensive, no, I don’t think it’s an individual problem that you alone need to be shamed for. I think it’s the result of a deeper issue regarding misogyny in media as a concept; these are things that we’ve all unknowingly internalized and while it’s not our fault, we still have to do the work to deconstruct those learned prejudices.)

What I find really cool about her character is that despite how much she’s been hurt, she’s also still known as one of the most loving, kind, and considerate characters. There were so many times in her life where the love she received was conditional and ripped away from her– and I think that’s what makes her sacrifice even more poignant. She was able to protect her infant son from an extremely powerful dark wizard, wand-less, knowing that her husband was just murdered in cold blood, just from how much love she felt for Harry. Her love was a force of nature on its own, and I just think that’s such an amazing thing about her. 

I know I’m biased, given that she’s one of my favorite characters, but even upon delving into this, I still just find it so incredibly hard to understand how anyone can actively hate her (not indifference, but actual dislike). In my opinion (again, no one is unbiased, and she is a favorite character of mine, but trust me when I say that I’m trying to be objective as possible when I say this), she’s probably one of the most likable characters of the Marauders Era. I think perhaps a lot of people haven’t given her a chance or really taken the time to learn about her character, but it could be a myriad of other reasons that I’ll never understand. 

There's so much more I could say but this is long enough and I will stop myself

Lily Evans, u will always be famous to me

[tevanbegins]

My beloved Bucktommies, hear me out for I have rambled about some important stuff ahead related to Tommy's comeback situation for S8:

Let's not forget that the Access Hollywood interview with Lou Ferrigno Jr. and Oliver Stark would never have been arranged if Buck and Tommy's love story wasn't meant to be long-term, or continue developing further into the next season. It was a small but still a very crucial piece of press.

Why? Because it's not like it was done right after 7x04 when the hype around bi-Buck was at its peak. Instead, it was done during the second-half of the season, that too when the Bobby-focused episodes were airing. Plus, it was a major TV network interview, not some random podcast/youtube interview!

Also, they could have only had Oliver out there if the showrunner or PR team thought Lou as Tommy was inconsequential to this storyline. They evidently wanted to create buzz not only around Buck's bisexual arc but around his romance with Tommy as well, with this press. Why do all of that if the character was going to disappear shortly?

I am not clear about how it all works but I am sure Tim and his team must have discussed Tommy's future when they decided to extend Lou's contract beyond the pre-decided 4 episode appearances last season. Because why even bother showing that tiny dinner scene with Tevan in the finale if they didn't want to show us where the relationship stood?

And don't let the naysayers get into your head and compare this with the happy Buck-Natalia scene from the season 6 finale and how she was written off after that. Remember that the writers supposedly wrote that episode as a possible series finale given the uncertainty around the show's future after Fox cancelled it. But then ABC picked it up and the writers had to resume the storylines from where they had left them off.

The actress playing Natalia refused to come back, probably because I am assuming she thought her part was done and the show was supposed to end and so she took up other work. Plus there was the whole strike thing too in between. She was just a supporting character and her contract extension may not have been under consideration while they were filming season 6, because they didn't know for sure at the time if another network would renew them for a new season. And because of her refusal they had to scrap that storyline later.

The situation is quite different with Lou. The season 8 renewal announcement came early when the first-half of season 7 was on air. Therefore, Tim and the writers have had the luxury to put some plans in place for the upcoming season in advance because the renewal was official. And this must include whether or not they wanted to keep Tommy around post season 7!

And if Lou agreed to do 2 more episodes last season, I believe he must have agreed to be there for season 8 too — because if the last two episodes of S7 have served any purpose, it has been to tell us that Buck and Tommy are going strong and even the firefam approves of their relationship, deliberately cementing their relationship status as they move forward into the upcoming season.

So this can't have been all for nothing. The only reason Tommy wouldn't be in S8 is if Lou himself declined or if the filming dates were clashing with his other projects, none of which seems to be likely given the points I have discussed above. Besides, we all know how deeply invested Lou is in playing Tommy and passionate about his storyline with Buck. He wouldn't quit a role that's clearly so important and dear to him just because of the BoBs' stupid vendetta against him; he has big dreams for his career to let this childish hate towards him get in the way of a good opportunity. And he knows and sees how much we as his fans love, support, and appreciate him!

So to conclude, I have faith Tommy will be back! He has to be!!! 💫

___

[spiriteddreams]

what leads me back to you

Or, the five times you look for Al-Haitham, and the one time he looks for you  Pairing: Al-Haitham x Reader Warnings: fluff, some angst, hurt/comfort, happy ending Word Count: ~5.3k A/N: happy birthday to the feeble scholar himself, al-haitham! <3

I. Feels Like “Met you at the right time, this is what it feels like.” The Acting Grand Sage is a busy man. There are papers to be filed, positions to be filled, and an entire political government to be reconstructed. The reconstruction process is slow and tiresome and with each passing day, Al-Haitham looks forward to the day that they accept his resignation letter. The day that he returns to simply being the “Scribe,” and a “feeble scholar,” is a day he swears he looks forward to. In the meantime, he is stuck to a large desk in an office that is far too spacious for his liking. 

When he hears the rumble of the elevator coming up, an irritated groan escapes his lips. He runs through the words in his mind, ready to chew out whoever has decided to disturb him. His office hours are posted just outside of the elevator entrance, and everyone in the Akademiya knows that he’s far too busy to deal with menial things. Which means there are only a few reasons as to why someone might be coming to bother him: there is more paperwork to be filled out, some old scholar has come straight to him for complaints, or there’s an emergency. He counts the seconds in his head, waiting for the elevator to rise until he can see who’s decided to disturb him. 

“You are here!” your voice cuts through the silence of the room before he can even get a glance at who it is. You’re a rush of words and feet, marching up to his desk and near slamming a book on his table, whilst ignoring the glare on his features. You are one of the last people he expected to see. That isn’t to say he doesn’t mind your presence. You’ve proven to be a sensible person, unlike his ridiculous roommate, and he’s had the pleasure of spending more time than he would have ever anticipated with you. As a good friend of Kaveh’s (Al-Haitham thinks it’s a shame), you’re often invited over for dinner or found sharing drinks with Dehya, Cyno, and Tighnari. But ignore that for now, instead, he wants to know what could be so important that you’ve decided to ignore his office hours and disturb him while he’s knee deep in paperwork.

“Okay look, I know you’re probably not happy to see me but this is important! I have this new research project that I wanted to start, I even ran it through Cyno this morning!” you’re flipping through a notebook, not even looking up at him. Since approaching his desk, Al-Haitham hasn’t been able to see the entirety of your face, not that he’s actually searching, yet you’re far too caught up flipping through papers to see the way his eyes follow your every movement. He takes in the differences in your appearance since the last time he’s seen you, which he feels like has been forever with the way he’s been cooped up in his office. There’s a cut on your finger that’s in the process of healing, and a new padisarah charm hanging at your side, right next to the Vision that seems to glow brighter than usual, as if reflecting your upbeat mood. He’s only half listening to you ramble about this project, which by all means, was approved the moment you approached him. You’re a brilliant scholar, there’s no doubt about it, careful about everything you do and meticulous about the smallest of details, and frankly, someone who’s research seeks to better the Akademiya. So why would he deny your approval?

When you finish speaking, Al-Haitham clears his throat and his eyes shift from your papers to your face, surprised to see that you’re already looking at him. He can see the uneasiness in your eyes, and something in the back of his mind whispers that he doesn’t like that when you’re looking at him. Do you not feel comfortable around him? The thought is bitter to swallow but he pushes it down anyway and looks back down at the papers.

“I see no reason to reject this, do you?” he asks flatly. You stare at him incredulously, eyes narrowed and ready to snap back at him. “Besides, you ran this through the General Mahamatra earlier, no? If he thinks it’s fine, and from what I’ve heard, there’s no reason for you to be making such a fuss about this.” For a moment, he’s afraid he might have irritated you beyond belief with the way you glare at him. But almost instantly it’s washed away as you sigh and shake your head with a fond smile.

“Glad to know I have your approval,” you say it so warmly that Al-Haitham’s chest nearly lurches. He locks that expression in his memory, tracing over the smile on your face, the one that reaches your eyes and makes them glint a bit brighter than before as an amused huff leaves your lips. It’s a pretty expression he thinks to himself. And when you leave him to the silence of his office, only joined by a mountain-load of paperwork, he finds that he misses your presence immediately.

II. Pancakes for Dinner “I wanna eat pancakes for dinner, I wanna get stuck in your head.” “A little birdie told me that you haven’t come home to eat dinner.” 

“Is this little birdie’s name, Kaveh?” Al-Haitham doesn’t even look up from his spot, secluded near the back of the House of Daena. He had found this spot as a student, and since then, had claimed it as his own. Other Akademiya scholars knew better than to disturb him if they saw the light flickered on in the back corner of the library. It was an unsaid rule that started when he was a student, and continued on through his occupation as Scribe. Don’t bother Al-Haitham if he’s working in the back of the library. He’ll get mad at you. And yet here you were, pulling out the chair from across from him and leaning forward as if you were going to try to read his book upside down. 

“Perhaps,” you hum, “but regardless, spending the entire day working on paperwork isn’t healthy. I thought you would have left by now. What happened to making it clear that you wouldn’t be working outside of your working hours?” You have a point, Al-Haitham thinks. At his first meeting as Acting Grand Sage, he had made it clear that he would not engage in any Akademiya work outside of your working hours, and yet he was here, secluded in the back of the library. The only catch, he wasn’t actually working, simply reading a physics book for pleasure.

Al-Haitham slides his bookmark between the pages, “I’m not doing work. Just reading.”

“Reading a physics book?”

“Yes.”

“Archons above…”

Al-Haitham casts you a dry look. “You’ve seen me read these types of books before, what’s so different about this time?” 

“This time,” you reach over and slowly close the book, maintaining eye contact with the Scribe, “it’s late. So you need to tuck away your physics bedtime story and get some food.” Al-Haitham holds your gaze, multi-coloured eyes seeming like they were digging into your mind. He prides himself in the fact that you break eye-contact first, clearing your throat as you lean back. Your fingers accidentally brush against his and you murmur apologies but Al-Haitham can only focus on the way your touch on his ungloved fingers had sent tingles up his arm. 

“Are you planning to cook then?” Al-Haitham brings his focus back to the conversation at hand. His words are meant to be sarcastic and yet you take them in a completely different manner.

“Of course not, it’s late, you silly Scribe.” His heart jumps at the childish nickname. “Instead, you and I are going to get dinner at Puspa Cafe!” He raises his eyebrows, making no effort to move. Is that what you’ve come to bother him about?

“Hey now, don’t give me that look. I know you enjoy a good meal at Puspa Cafe, and I’m craving food there, so it’s a win-win situation,” you scold him. “Come on, pack up your things or I’ll drag you there myself.” He wants to remind you that there’s no way that you would ever be able to drag him anywhere but he still sweeps his book into his arms, tucking away his other papers before standing. He’s only doing this because you won’t stop pestering him if he declines, that’s the only reason, he tells himself. The thought of eating dinner with you is nothing special. It’s just as if he was eating dinner with Kaveh, except that you’re much more tolerable. He keeps reminding himself of such facts as you lead him out of the House of Daena, talking animatedly about the research project that you had been working on, the same one that he had approved. You’ve already made so much progress, from extensive notes and an in depth plan ready for execution. The next step, you excitedly ramble on about, is finally exploring the ruins in the desert. Yet Al-Haitham shoots you a concerned glance. The ruins you’ve mentioned are dangerous and he hadn’t realized you might be interested in actually exploring them. There was no doubt that you could protect yourself. You were skilled in elemental practice and weapon alike, so really, there was no reason for him to be worried. And yet the creeping desire to protect you from harm had planted a seed in his mind.

III. Glowing Review “You ask what I tell my friends, said ‘It’s a glowing review.’”

When Al-Haitham knocks on your door, his palms feel unnaturally clammy. He’s not nervous, no, why would he be. It’s just you. You had found him hard at work the other day with a small bag of pastries and two cups of coffee in your hands. One was for you and the other for him, you had said cheerfully, placing it on his desk. A housewarming gift, you joked, seeing as he had finally stepped down from Acting Grand Sage and was back in his office as the Scribe. He hadn’t even realized that you were staring at him when he took a bite of pastry, and perhaps his expression was enough for you to propose that the two of you go to the little shop hidden within Sumeru City to check out the other pastries. 

Which is how he finds himself here, counting the seconds as he waits for you to open the door. It’s just a hangout between friends, right? You hadn’t specified anything more, so, by Al-Haitham’s rationale, you simply wanted to try out more pastries with him. Why you didn’t ask someone like Kaveh, is beyond him. He’s sure that his roommate would immediately jump on the opportunity to try something as simple as a “pastry.” And yet he finds the thought of you going out to a bakery with Kaveh to be something he doesn’t ever want to imagine. His roommate, despite what he may argue, has no taste when it comes to romance, so there’s no possible way that the two of you would have a good time. Al-Haitham freezes as he replays the thought in his head. Romance? He shakes his head, how did a thought like that pop up in his head? The two of you were just getting pastries. Because you asked. And you’re friends. That’s all.

“I’m so sorry about the wait!” you throw open your door and the snarky remark on his lips dies instantly. You’ve traded your usual wear for something lighter and rather fitting for the nice weather. Your vision still hangs at your side, clinking against your padisarah keychain but you look different. In a good way of course. Al-Haitham thinks you look more relaxed like this, and for a moment, he feels silly that he’s dressed in his typically day-to-day wear and that maybe he should’ve chosen something more casual because what if you feel uncomfortable around him and what if you roll your eyes with a sigh and what if—

“You look good,” you tilt your head and Al-Haitham feels his cheeks flush when he catches the way your eyes drag from his feet up to his chest, and up to his eyes. “I mean, you always do, but you seem more relaxed today. You should try that expression on more often, it’ll scare people less.” Your teasing words comfort him instantly and he realizes there was really no reason to be so nervous about this. It’s just you and him. 

“The less people that try to stop to talk to me at work, the better,” he responds dryly, earning a bark of laughter from you as you lock your door. He watches your every movement carefully from the second you turn back around to set off, up to when he steps ahead to open the door for you. And when the warming smell of fresh baked pastries envelops the two of you, Al-Haitham finds himself looking over at where you stand. Your hands are clasped in front of you, eyes closed and soft smile painted across your lips. You look so peaceful, so calm and serene that the thought of what’s coming next at work makes him want to hide away. If you knew what papers lay on his desk, ready to be signed and put into effect immediately, you might hate him. If you knew about it, would you still want to get pastries with him? If you knew about it, would you be disappointed? Angry? Would you ignore him? If you knew about it, would you still like him the way that he can tell you like him now?

But instead of saying anything, he pushes the guilt down his throat and shifts closer to you. He’ll take what he can for now and deal with the consequences later.

“What are you thinking of getting? And I’ll pay. No arguing with me,” he glances over at the display of mouthwatering cakes and croissants. You still try to argue with him, batting his hand away when he goes to pay, much to the baker’s amusement. He still manages to toss them a bag of mora and you still push him gently, mumbling under your breath that “next time, I’m paying, you got that?”

Next time. Al-Haitham smiles to himself at the thought. Next time.

IV. An Ego Thing “I won’t go first, won’t apologize. Pretty sure it’s an ego thing, but I can’t stand a compromise.”

If the Akademiya scholars thought the General Mahamatra was terrifying, then this was a close second. You were furious, hands clenched and eyes laser focused on finding Al-Haitham. You stormed through the halls, glaring at any scholar that tried to meekly call out to you. You could deal with the repercussions later. Finding the infuriating, cocky, self-absorbed, emotionless Scribe came first.

What had gone from a good day, waking up early in the morning and ready to set out on the expedition that had been approved for research had quickly fallen flat. Cyno had been the one to break the news, knocking on your door in the morning with his mouth pressed into a thin line. The expression on his face was enough to spark concern as you offered to make him a cup of coffee and sit down to talk. But Cyno’s hesitance had your mind racing. 

“It has to do with the research expedition” his eyes searched your face. “It’s been called off, by the Scribe’s order.” It was those words that led to where you were now, storming through the Akademiya halls in search of the same man who had approved your project, and now had gone back on his word. Poor Cyno had been the one to watch your expression crumble, words near breathless as you asked for the reasoning behind such a sudden decision. And when he sheepishly said that Al-Haitham hadn’t said anything further than that, you felt the spark in your chest light. If he wanted to play dirty and hide behind words and walls alike then you would tear them down yourself. 

“Archons above you’re so infuriating!” you snap. “This is why no one wants to be around you! You knew how much this project meant to me and you even approved it! And the next thing I know you’re halting it halfway and you can’t even come up with a decent explanation as to why?!”

“Look, I get you’re upset—” 

“I’m more than upset!” you shake your head, mouth parted in disbelief. “Do you not trust me or something? What did I do wrong? Please, enlighten me!” He finds himself at a loss for words. Should he lie and protect his own dignity or lay out the bare truth? Neither were ideal and yet you stand in front of him, chest rising and falling in anger as you impatiently wait for an answer.

“You know it’s not like that. It’s just not safe,” he says bluntly. “And it really isn’t that big of a deal, you’re just being prideful.” He regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth. Because the sight of your face falling, a tired scoff falling from your lips as you nod slowly and take a step back is enough for Al-Haitham to know that he said the wrong thing.

“You’re calling me prideful?” The laughter that falls from your lips is dry and painful to hear. The words bubble up from your chest, laced with such anger and poison that it even shocks you when they fall from your lips. “Aren’t you one to talk? You, the great Scribe Al-Haitham, pride and joy of the sages, bowing to their every will then working behind their backs. So what you did was for the greater good, should I grovel at your feet then?”

“Archons above, you’re being unreasonable.”

“I’m being unreasonable?! That’s rich coming from you,” you run a hand across your face. “I’m humiliated. Is that what you want to hear? You approved my project and then rejected it just as I was getting to the most important part. I’ve told you about how excited I was about this and the next thing I know, you’re shutting it down! Was this some sort of act, some sort of game to you, to humiliate me like this?” Al-Haitham hesitates and that one second of hesitation is what marks his downfall. He reacts too slowly and you take it the wrong way. You shake your head in disappointment, lips pressed together. You refuse to meet his eyes, refuse to let him see the hurt that’s built up all day. If he wants to play dirty, then so can you.

“You’re a shitty person,” you don’t mean it, but you want to hurt him back. “Clearly, nothing that comes out of your mouth is sincere. Nothing about you is genuine. I can’t believe I’ve tried to be your friend, tried to get closer to you. This was clearly a mistake. Everything between us was a mistake.” He’s quiet at your words. Perhaps you’ve stepped over the line this time and when you look up, Al-Haitham just stares at you. There’s hurt in his eyes, something you didn’t think you would ever see, and it’s because of you. The apologies die on your lips, because how do you apologize to someone after tearing down their walls and striking where you know it hurts? You open your mouth to say anything but Al-Haitham turns away first. His back faces you and he asks you to leave, and as the door clicks shut behind him, you swear you hear a sharp sniffle followed by him clearing his throat. You don’t stay to hear anything more. 

V. Tough Act “Saying goodbye to a best friend is the bad part of the right thing to do.”

Guilt, in its most basic terms as defined by any Akademiya dictionary, is “a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.” And yet the feeling that brews inside of your chest can’t quite be encapsulated in just the word “guilt.” There is a heaviness that weighs down, burdening your every thought since you’ve left his office. The words that had spilled from your lips were cruel. They were sharpened knives ready to strike and the sight of Al-Haitham’s face falling, letting you see the hurt flashing across your features, was enough to know that a line had been overstepped.

Everyone knows that he’s a rather rational person. He doesn’t always express his emotions, and when he does, it’s usually because he has a plan rolling in his mind. So to catch him off guard like this, and see how hurtful your words really were, quickly plagued your thoughts. That didn’t mean his own words and actions hadn’t hurt either. By the time you left his office, you still hadn’t quite gotten an explanation as to why the research project had been cancelled. The first day after everything had unfolded you cursed Al-Haitham’s name, grumbling to Dehya over dinner.

“You know… I’ve noticed that you’ve spent a lot more time around Al-Haitham recently,” she tosses the statement on the table, forcing you to stop eating and stare up at her with a spoon of soup halfway to your mouth. 

“He’s just nice— well, I just find that I enjoy his company,” you let the words stumble out.

“Haven’t you gotten dinner with him nearly every day this week?” Dehya says it so nonchalantly that it surprises you. You had, in fact, had dinner with Al-Haitham five of the seven days of the week. Three of them were a result of both of you leaving work at the same time and two of the times you had been invited over by Kaveh for dinner. Al-Haitham had volunteered to walk you from the Akademiya to their home, then from their home back to yours, sending you off with a gentle smile and the promise to see each other the next day.

Admittedly, neither of you had clarified the relationship that had grown between the two of you. Unsaid promises, unsaid labels, unsaid confessions lingered in the air. It had become a dance of back and forth footwork, your hands gliding along his figure until you had stumbled, tripping over your feet, curses tearing from your lips as you pushed him away by accident. There was no doubt that he was actively making an effort to avoid you and while you weren’t seeking him at every moment, it still hurt to hear that he wasn’t anywhere that you could find him when you wanted. Which is exactly what leads to you seeking help from Kaveh, who had at first, rolled his eyes, claiming that you were better off without him. But upon seeing the crestfallen expression on your face, he mumbles that the “feeble scholar himself” is in his room.

To your surprise, he lets you in and yet you stand as close to the door as possible. Al-Haitham doesn’t like the way you’re so tense and ready to run, as if the slightest movement might send you fleeing. But he can’t reach out to pull you in. The fraying rope is on its last thread, ready to snap unless the two of you can find some sort of compromise. 

“I’m sorry,” your head hangs low and you can’t look at him. “What I said to you, I didn’t mean it. You’re not a bad person.” You’re afraid of what you might see in his eyes. You can hear his breathing, counting the seconds between each breath as you wait for him to say something, anything. It’s clear that he’s trying to find the words to say and you’re preparing for the worst.

“But you think anything we had was a mistake?” Ah, that’s not what he wanted to say but he had blurted it out anyway. He knows that you don’t think so, but he just wants to hear it from your lips. But saying it this way, he isn’t sure he’s going to get an answer because his chest physically hurts when you flinch at his words and inhale sharply. You still refuse to look at him and it’s eating him up inside.

You exhale sharply, “No. I don’t. I just… I was upset because I was looking forward to going on the expedition and it was cancelled without even a day’s notice. And when I heard that the order had come from you, I didn’t even try to hear you out, I just… yelled at you instead. I’m sorry.”

  Your words are honest, and Al-Haitham knows that you didn’t mean the words you had said. You were upset, rightfully so, and had taken the anger out on him. But the words still stung, leaving him reeling from the sudden burst of anger and the subtle truth that had been woven in. You didn’t mean them, and he knows it. So why is forgiveness so hard to give out?

“I’m also sorry about what I said and did.” Al-Haitham ducks his head slightly in hopes that you might meet his eyes. You don’t and it frustrates him. It worries him that he can’t read the expression on your face. You, who wore your heart on your sleeve, was now covering it up and he hated it. “I cancelled the project because I was worried about your safety. I know you’re more than capable of handling yourself but I didn’t want to put you in any danger. And I ended up cancelling your expedition. I’m sorry.”

“I understand.”

But do you? What are you supposed to do now?

“Are we okay?” your voice is small and tight, as if Al-Haitham’s room is starting close in and suffocating you. The tension continues to build and there are no signs of it dissipating. 

Al-Haitham answers honestly, “I don’t know.” It’s three words, but not quite the words you’ve dreamed of hearing from him. It’s three words that tear into your chest and hit you full force because it tells you that Al-Haitham can’t forgive you.

“Right.” You clear your throat. “Right! I understand. I’ll leave you be then. And I’ll give you some space for a bit. Thank you… for hearing me out.” Your voice sounds a bit more high pitched, words choppy and sentences fitting together awkwardly. But the tension in the room has filled to the brim and it feels like it’s hard to breathe, so the next step is the run. And you leave immediately, pushing your way out of his room, down the hallway, past Kaveh who glances up at the sight of your tear-filled eyes and hasty steps. You leave out the front door with shaky breaths, unaware of the way Al-Haitham tries to go after you with his hand outstretched and your name silent on his lips. But the door clicks shut, and the rope snaps.

+ I. Invisible String “And isn’t it just so pretty to think, all along there was some invisible string tying you to me?”

“Have you seen (y/n)?” Al-Haitham stops Dehya as she’s slipping through the streets of Sumeru City. The Flame Mane raises her brows at him, sending him a suspicious look. Her arms cross over her chest and she tilts her head as she studies the expression on his face. He looks more tired than usual, less composed and shaken. It’s quite a surprise to see him like this, but Dehya knows better than to poke fun at him. Now, she’s seen both ends of the Spectrum. She’s seen your disheveled look, puffy eyes and half-hearted attempts to do your work at home. And now she’s seen Al-Haitham, actively searching for you in the middle of the day, exactly when he should be caught up with menial tasks at the Akademiya. It’s been a couple weeks since the aftermath of an attempted reconciliation and while you’re attitude

“They’re not feeling well.” Dehya answers carefully. It’s not exactly the truth, but also not a lie. You had been under the weather just a week prior but had recovered quickly. Today was the first day you had returned to work without feeling congested, but Al-Haitham didn’t need to know that.

“They’re sick?” his back straightens and almost instantly he looks more alert. An interesting reaction, Dehya thinks to herself.

“Well, not anymore.” Dehya shrugs, “They went back to work today.” She watches the change in his expression and gives herself a little invisible high-five. This is just the push the two of you need. Then maybe she won’t have to hear the groans from your lips whenever someone brings up Al-Haitham’s name, and she won’t have to hear from Kaveh how his roommate has been “moping” around. As if on cue, Al-Haitham thanks her, bids her farewell, and walks down the street, not quite in the direction of the Akademiya but she assumes that he’s off to pick something up for you.

That something just so happens to be flowers from one of the local vendors. And when you tiredly open your door to get ready to get lunch you’re greeted by the sight of Al-Haitham about to knock on your door, mouth parted in surprise, one hand raised and poised to knock and the other holding a small but pretty bouquet of flowers.

“Grand Scribe?” Ouch, that hurt. “Is everything okay?”

“Um… are you free?” he tries to regain his composure and yet you stare at him like he’s grown a second head.

You clear your throat, “I’m about to get lunch. Did you need to… discuss something?” Your eyes flick between the flowers and his face. He wants to curse himself because he has no doubt that he looks like a ridiculous gaping fish. But you had thrown open the door when he hadn’t even finished planning what to say and now his plan was falling apart.

“Could we get lunch together? I just wanted to talk about us.”

You’re silent. Al-Haitham curses and you giggle quietly, trying to cover it up immediately. It’s almost as if the laughter melted any tension between the two of you because he feels his shoulders relax instantly and a fond smile crosses his features.

“Sure! Puspa Cafe?” you propose. There are things to be said, boundaries to be discussed and no doubt a relationship to be repaired, but if this is how easy it is for the two of you to move past such arguments and find comfort in one another, then, you think to yourself, things will be okay.

“Ah, would it be too soon to call it a ‘date?’” Al-Haitham blurts it out before he can stop himself. It’s like he loses his filter around you, the words that he wants to phrase better just falling out and laying bare his true feelings.

You raise your eyebrows and Al-Haitham wants to run. “Are you going to give me the flowers first?” He feels like an absolute fool with the way he’s acting. It’s like he’s a teenager again and he wants to hide away. He swears that he’s more composed than this. But instead of replying, he offers the flowers to you with a sheepish smile. When your fingers brush against his he feels all too aware of the close proximity of the two of you. 

No doubt, there are things to talk about, but for now, the two of you can bask in the moment. You both find that despite all that has happened, when standing in front of one another, it’s difficult to stay mad. It’s as if there was an invisible red string wrapped around your pinkie fingers, leading you through life and tugging you towards one another, waiting for your pinkies to intertwine and a confession to be sealed. Just wait, let time be the guide, let your friends cheer on the sidelines and whisper to one another that of course you and Al-Haitham were meant to be. After all, only the two of you could keep up with one another and match one another in every way possible. Isn’t it so pretty to think?

reblogs and comments are greatly appreciated! <3 a/n: if you know all the songs i used i love you

[cirrostrata]

i need to talk about how insane this line makes me

but to do that i need to explain the context around it first. so in the google drive (PLEASE READ IT IF YOU HAVEN'T IT'S VERY IMPORTANT GO TO LOVEOFTHE > S*N > LUMYNEX > OPERATORS) michael has one patient other than charger block listed but it's just

this

so there's some implications there.

as of right now we don't know how or why michael's other patient (who i will call 0001) was terminated, or what termination means, but we can make some assumptions.

i'm guessing that termination means getting deleted from existence. maybe your soul gets erased or something idk point is that 0001 is gone now

lumynex probably doesn't just terminate patients for no reason, so 0001 must've broken a rule or found out something they shouldn't have, resulting in their termination.

speaking of rules. isn't there someone who's super strict about following them?

yeah this explains a lot about why michael is like that. maybe michael was less strict before 0001 was terminated, but now she's trying to follow the rules as closely as possible so that she doesn't lose someone again.

it would also explain his standoffish attitude. maybe he's intentionally trying to push people away so that if (when) he messes up again he won't have anyone to lose.

speaking of people who are being pushed away,

sean! ^_^

that line implies that sean, michael, and noah used to be close friends, but something caused them to drift apart. the something being 0001's termination

we know Literally Nothing about noah right now, and i've already explained how it affected michael, but what about sean?

i think that sean wants things to be the way they were before 0001 was terminated. my evidence:

sean sent crown to cb's earth despite being very aware that it's against the rules. one of his first thoughts after getting a new patient was how it would involve michael. she's so desperate to reconnect with them it's insane

and that brings us back to this

the way sean emphasizes the "best friend" part while POINTING AT MICHAEL. she's barely even talking about crown and cb here this is about them

and she's bringing this up by saying she's a better operator than michael! he knows they're insecure about that especially after 0001 was terminated! sean is trying everything she can to get michael to listen to her but they keep pushing her away! I'm not normal about this guys

she wants to make sure cb and crown stay friends because she doesn't want their relationship to end up like hers and michael's. she's projecting SO HARD right now

i think sean sees cb and crown as them and michael before 0001 was terminated. they're invested in their relationship because they see it as how things could've been if 0001 still existed

cb and crown's (after)lives have been permanently altered because of who their operators are. if 0001 wasn't terminated, crown never would've met cb.

can't wait to see how they react to this information!

okay that's everything thank you for listening to my rambling byeeeee

[cripplecharacters]

hi!! I have a character I created when I was a teenager who I am currently revamping for a new project, but I am stumped for how to fix a big mistake I made at the time. I based this character's appearance on my best friend in high school, who had a growth disorder/facial difference.

at the time, I asked him how he would describe himself in writing, and his examples were phrases like "a boy with a malformed jaw" or "misshapen fingers". I recognize that if this were his own project, he would be totally allowed to say whatever he wanted about a character who had his disability, but I am not a person with a facial or limb difference, so I feel like I need to change the phrasing. I would ask him for his opinion again, but he passed away a couple years ago, so it's not possible for me to find out what he'd like me to change.

I still want to include this character and make it clear what he looks like, because it's important to me that I represent him in my writing in some way. However, I don't think he was misshapen or malformed. I don't know what words I can use instead to communicate exactly how he appeared, and I'd really like some insight for how to describe him appropriately and with the respect the friend this character is based on deserves. Please help!

For reference, the character we designed had a mix of both our disabilities' symptoms, and we did not give him any specific diagnoses at the time because of this. The character used a wheelchair because I did, the character had crooked fingers and uneven legs because he did, the character was nonverbal because we both were, had an overgrowth of tissue on his face because my friend did, and the character was epileptic because I was. I am not sure how relevant all of that is, but I figured I'd include it. Sorry if this ask is rambling, I am trying my best to be detailed

-🦴🏴‍☠️

Hi!

I don't think it'd necessarily be wrong to describe your character as such if the person he's based on used that as his self-description. I probably said this somewhere on this blog before, but I always think that “a character with less than perfect terminology portrayed well” is much better than “horrible representation, but they used the 'proper' term”. And if that's what he said about himself, this might just be the “proper” term in this context.

But I do understand that you might want to go another way, especially considering you said that you didn't see your friend as having something malformed or misshapen about him - so how did you see his differences? Maybe “a boy with 'an overgrowth of tissue on his face'” - as you described in the last paragraph - would work?

In writing, I generally think it's helpful to be more specific than not when it comes to character descriptions. So you could get more technical (all random examples);

“an asymmetric lower jaw, with the right side larger and protruding forward,”

“had a left leg that was slightly longer, with the hip tilted upward,”

“his fingers bent towards the other ones, curving like the letter C and overlapping with each other at the tips,”

or, you could go halfway, using the words that your friend used himself;

“he happened to have a malformation on his jaw; a soft mass decorated his chin throughout its length,”

“crooked fingers, each having a slight bend to it.”

If you decide to go for the original terminology, I would expand on what exactly the reader is supposed to imagine by it - there's a few ways to not have a facial difference, and a billion ways to have one. You don't need to go into way more detail than you do for other characters, but it'd be good to be informative enough so that the reader doesn't end up wondering “malformed in what way?”. In my opinion, “overgrowth of tissue” (or any other wording that would provide this amount of information) would be completely sufficient for this role.

I will also say that “malformed” and “beautiful/handsome/adorable” are by no means antonyms as words! One can have a disfigured nose that's incredibly cute, misshapen legs that look great in shorts, or an attractive malformed jaw. That's very much doable in writing, and would help here with making sure you're not portraying it as negative in some way.

There is also the option of using more medicalized terminology (“hypertrophied”, “clinodactyly”, etc.) but it might both not be the most comfortable to use, as well as confusing to some readers if there's no other descriptor given. It also might be awkward in writing, especially if that'd be the only time this kind of terminology would come up. But if you're up for this;

“the clinodactyly on his hands caused the fingers to curve toward each other,” or

“the hypertrophied tissue stretched from his left earlobe to the chin, with freckles adoring it along the way,”

or something along those lines could work, I think.

I'd also try to describe other “non-difference” features as well, perhaps even at the same time. There's a ton of ways you could go about it, but the general idea is to bring up his difference as a complete non-event - something that's so normal that it's not needed to give it a separate description;

“the bright red wheelchair had one footplate set much higher to accommodate for his short right thigh,”

“her eyes were drawn to his hands, with each colorful nail making a clicking sound whenever his overlapping fingers moved,”

“he grinned widely after noticing that his facial hair has fully filled in behind the soft overgrowth on his chin,”

“the sunflower tattoo on his larger leg was still slightly red, but the cat on the thin right one already looked fully healed.”

Obviously all the examples here are random, but hopefully they will help you figure out what kind of description you want to employ.

Either way, it's clear that you're approaching this with a lot of care and good intentions and that's what really matters. I hope this was helpful and I wish you good luck in your writing!

mod Sasza

[sincerelystesichorus]

let's talk about that one scene in oops

(and fizzarolli in general bc me and my autism r obsessed with this scene and haven't seen someone break it down. also ft. blitz lmao)

just a general scene and vague character breakdown/analysis!

i first of all want to admire the perfect representation of best friends to enemies with blitz & fizz because ugh.

And like Blitz tells everyone this but the way it's so malicious here. Just the perfect simple dig and Fizz's little shit eating grin because it delivered how he knew it would sdfkjsdkf. Shoves Blitz to the side because really that's all he cares to say. Fuck you and what you did to me, bye bye <3 Fizz is so for talking shit and dipping (House of Asmodeus) I love how messy it is but also shows how he really doesn't hold malice for Blitz otherwise. Obviously we see this front and center later in the episode once they start reconnecting, but I like the subtlety and how he's so willing to snap at Blitz despite his usual anxiety with confrontation.

Blitz also knowing exactly what to say to really piss Fizz off once things escalate <3

(Fizz literally so smug and content with himself lmfao)

(smirk wiped off bc hey that's the thing i'm sensitive about!!)

But Fizz keeps his composure. And if you'll let me be alarmingly gay for a second, I love how his version of keeping his cool as a messy gay is managing to basically recreate this drag race confrontation in what is probably my favorite set of Fizzie lines.

eat him up babes. also it's so important that that shitty coffee and fizz were on this side of the street for framing i'll talk about it more in a sec jfskjdfksf.

and now my personal favorite exchange of this entire scene that is criminally underrated imo:

love his face after this line. I SUPPORT DISABLED PEOPLES WRONGS sfjdlkfsdd. literally so fucking nasty with his clown wit but also so justifiable because yeah blitz did just pull this nightmare and dip in fizz's pov. i cannot wait for that to get touched on more likeeee why were they kept apart ugh.

and finally!!

this cut to blitz,, specifically the scarred side of his face is sooo good.

the face of a man who just achieved critical vicious mockery vs. the face of a man that knows he can only win this interaction one way now

Blitz does deserve a little violence maybe <3 Fizz underestimated his ass jjdkfsdlk.

Idk I just love how indicative this whole interaction is for their characters but especially Fizz, it's a perfect build-up for him. Fizz has major imposter syndrome with dual layers because of general haters but especially because of Mammon and Asmodeus. Not on any fault of Ozzie's,, we just see Fizz obviously thinks he isn't fully deserving of their relationship/his situation and the healthy dynamics of it and so do most major news outlets apparently askjfsk.

(full fizzy meme post & also i like how this is a special also like damn do u think they were also apart of the crossword??)

It'll be really interesting to see how his character develops in future episodes because I feel like a lot of what I've rambled about here has come to a resolution after 2 Minutes Notice in the musical special lmao. I really like how here when he goes to compose himself, this is how he does it.

Makes me wonder how many times him and Ozzie have had the self-worth and imposter syndrome conversation before it finally stuck in the Mammon Musical Special. I just love their relationship and how they compliment one another,, and how it projects into Fizz's other relationships because they're healthy for one another. Love my OTP love Blitz & especially love Fizzie. Obviously.

[solarecliipse]

college bokuto

quick ramble, no proofread, english is not my first language.

no cause imagine meeting bokuto in college. it’s canon that he went to college and even furudate doesn’t know why, so i think it would be a really fun take on a relationship with bokuto.

like, let’s say there’s this apartment building for students, it isn’t actually part of the university but it’s full of students, and you randomly get the apartment right in front of his. he’s a second year living with some friends of his (probably kuroo and akaashi) and you’re about to start your first year and also share your apartment with a friend and a roommate who you just met, and at first you don’t pay much attention to your neighbors, because you’re trying to focus a lot on school, not start with the wrong foot, until you’re coming back from a long day in the library, working for some important project, and coincidentally bokuto’s coming back from practice by himself. and you take the elevator at the same time, and he’s seen you before, he knows you live in the same building, thinks you’re cute, so he smiles at you, which makes you smile back with a slight blush decorating your cheeks.

when you both get to the same floor he lets out a short chuckle before letting you go first, and then you both notice how you’re reaching the same spot it’s your turn to laugh, and it makes him smile, then you both go into your own apartments, and it’s over, right? except the next day you find yourself going out at approximately the same time to buy some things (a bag of chips and a soda that you don’t really need) at the grocery store and coming back to see him once again near the elevator, which is about to close, so you yell, which startles him, but you end up reaching the elevator.

and it’s like that for a day or two until he finally talks to you, “you’re a first year, right? cause i didn’t seen you last year, your apartment was occupied by some last years” you nod, nervously, “i’m a second year, my name is bokuto, and yours?”

then he proceeds to ask you if you’d want to hang out at his apartment, since he and his roommates are having a game night, he adds you can invite your friends, and since your friend isn’t there you invite your roommate, and you have a fun night, even get closer with your roommate and bokuto.

and i think it’s really cute because bokuto in college is an almost unexplored territory (at least for what i’ve seen), but personally it has a lot of potential! so, yeah, idk how to make smaus, but this idea makes me so excited anyway!

[almayver]

Alma dear, you’ve said that you’ve been on the jealous peem train for a long time. How do you think he’d act? What are the most juicy scenarios you can conjure with jealous peem?

Hey Cole! So yep, i’ve been in the Jealous Peem train for months now, but the funniest thing is I actually have no concrete idea?

Because the thing is, I don’t think Peek would know how to act either. He has probably only ever felt like mild envy towards Qs talent and things like that, but this? This has this weird tint of possessiveness to it that I don’t think he would know how to handle. And I think that’s what would make it interesting. Because you know our boy loves open communication, but it's hard to communicate when you don’t fully understand your feelings and when you feel like you shouldn’t be having them, right?

Ok this turned into a full-blown rant and doesn't make total sense but, putting it under the read more so I don't put a wall of text in the tag

So exploring that, I also believe it would be very specific. Like someone says that Phum is handsome and/or compliments him? Yeah, Peem at most rolls his eyes because yeah his boyfriend is the most beautiful person on earth, and he is great, those are just facts, actually more people should be saying it. Someone flirts with Phum? Well that’s just funny to him, they would probably make Phum flustered and Peem loves to tease his boyfriend. Also, he is just so secure on his boyfriend’s feelings that the fear would never be that Phum is going to leave him or find someone better. So what would make Peem jealous?

Well, jealousy at its core is about insecurities, right? So possible scenarios here that would make Peem feel weird (jealous Peem, you feel jealous)

The first one is a soft, fluffy friendship one! Peem is very much someone that is very good at comforting people, and with the comment of “You made me feel I couldn't be your comfort zone” we know how important that is to him, specially with Phum. But maybe down the line Phum feeling like shit for whatever reason and Q is the one to comfort him for some reason, maybe Peem is busy (I'm never leaving the Q-Phum besties agenda, I live there actually). And the fun element here would be the warring emotions of being so fucking happy that not only two very important people in his life are so close and comfortable with each other, but also the fact that this means Phum is not lonely and has so many people in his corner and that is the best thing he could hope for.

But. But there is this weird thing in his head that feels weird, this pure want of being the one that comforts Phum, the one that knows exactly what to say to make him feel better. And I think he would have that spiral of “what if I'm not good enough support for him, what if I'm a bad boyfriend, am I a bad friend and boyfriend for even thinking like this”. And he is maybe a little bitter, but he hates feeling like that. Eventually of course both Phum and Q would notice and be like “dummy, come on”, Q would probably actually call him dumb, while Phum would just go full puppy eyes and reassure him and also say something like “Honestly Q mostly calms me by talking about you.”

Ok got sidetracked by friendship feelings there sorry not even sure if that counts as jealousy, but I had to get that scenario out there

The others would be a bit more classic silly jealousy, I think.

So the second one that came to mid would come from how different their fields of study are. Imagine Phum working on a project being very excited talking about it (I was going to give an example, but I did 5 years of engineering and I still have no clue what civil engineers do so idk vague project it is) and it all sounds like Greek to Peem and Phum is scared that he is boring him so he stops rambling about it. But then Peem sees Phum talking with other engineering students, and it's just *sad kitten noises* because he doesn't know enough to talk like that with his boyfriend, and he is jealous of everyone that gets his attention in this very specific way that he can't get. (He later realizes that Phum feels the same way when he talks with Q about art and throughout their relationship they both just learn to listen to the other talk even when they don't fully understand and accept that the other just likes to hear them talk about things that they are passionate about)

The final one, tho? That's the one i crave. Because you know what I think would make Peem weirdly possessive and go all “MY puppy”? Someone making Phum laugh.

Phum, mister “casual small smirk 90% of the time but when I fully smile it looks like the sun came out”. They are maybe out in a bar or a party or whatever, and Phum goes for drinks or something and Peem is talking with the group about something when he hears Phum's laughter. And he stops and perks up like a meerkat because I'm sorry what. That sound normally only occurs when Phum is near him what is happening, something isn't right in the universe. And he looks towards the direction of the sound a Phum is cracking up because of some stranger and Peem is SEETHING, and he doesn't understand why, but he is angry and bitter and petty (everyone in the group is completely amused, they have never seen him like this)

But how would he react to that weird bitter feeling? Because i feel like even with the jealousy, he would never be mean or rude to someone that isn't doing something wrong. And also he wouldn't accuse Phum of anything because he knows that he would only feel sad. So I think he would go the other direction and basically do the equivalent of marking his territory. Like he suddenly ups the devoted attentive boyfriend thing to 200%, and he turns into a clingy koala. And he just keeps trying to make Phum smile and laugh because dammit, that pretty smile is his thanks. That is his personal sunlight, thank you very much. (Phum is delighted and just keeps smiling like the sun which just makes Peem want to make him smile even more, its a very fun cycle) But idk, that's a possibility.

(There's another more elaborate scenario that keeps bouncing around in my head that maybe ill turn into a fic but if it stays a half formed idea ill throw it in your inbox dear)

...that was A LOT. Thanks for sending this ask Cole that turned into a fun thought experiment.

[andiv3r]

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[writer-of-random-things]

On the Nature of Holmes & Watson (& Trevor)

This was meant to be a meta, but in reality it's probably just going to be a rambly wall of text and emotions. Oh well.

Something that always captivated me about the ACD canon was how...special Holmes and Watson were. They were unique in their commonality, their casualness. The Holmes stories had served as the blueprint of the modern detective genre in itself--I had expected a sidekick. What I had not expected was the way the sidekick and detective came to be; to be remembered as one of the greatest friendships in literary history.

There is something so inexplicably beautiful about a lost, lonely, war-weary veteran returning to a city of thousands. A 'cesspool' of a city, he calls it; and yet somehow, in some way, he manages to find a enigmatic, strange person that needed Watson as much as he did him. In STUD, Watson mentioned how he spent his days before meeting Holmes wasting his days, idling about from hotel room to hotel room. After all the war and trauma, only followed by the banality and blandness of living in a city that is thronging with distant people, I can't help but think how much Watson and Holmes saved each other. Yes, over the course of their many adventures, they have saved the other's life many times. But I like to think that they saved each other from themselves; from the loneliness and the struggles they faced. Watson finally had something to do with his life again through accompanying Holmes and chronicling his exploits. Holmes finally had something he could project his ideas off of, somebody that could appreciate and constantly be in awe of his talents. Somebody that could help him when needed, and sit in comfortable silence or conversation; someone to make him not alone.

This is very important for Holmes. I suppose anybody who read the ACD canon already knows this already. But for all we know, the last friend Holmes had was Victor Trevor, who was just alone as he was. And Trevor left to work on a tea plantation in Nepal after the events of 'The Gloria Scott' (...I don't know why Conan Doyle made him do that. Is it because the British like tea so much?). The point is, Holmes was alone again. The great detective, who often liked to present his ideas as if he was an monologuing actor, was alone on the stage, with no one in the audience to clap for him. Then Watson came along, and Holmes became a prominent detective; but more importantly, he gained a lifelong friend.

At the end of the day, that's why I keep returning to the Holmes stories. Yes, Sherlock Holmes is brilliant; yes, the cases are intriguing and I love Victorian literature so much that I would've probably read it even if I wasn't invested in the characters. But at the heart of every case is the friendship between these lost, lonely men, who somehow found each other in a city of millions and made the best of it. The ACD canon is as much about mystery as it is human connection. I can't properly express it, but wherever the stories take place--on the windy hills of Dartmoor, the countryside of Reigate, or the crackling fire of Baker Street--Holmes and Watson will always be there, side by side. We see this, in every adaptation since.

They are truly the fixed point in a changing age, and I love them for it.

[kanmom51]

JM live 1 September 2023 20:54 or 8:54 pm KST

And a little big about JK's same day live as well.

Part 2

Cr./To creators of content used in this post.

I'm going to dive right in.

Also, not everything I talk about is in the order it's brought up in the live. Just saying. These are ramblings of a blurry mind. Well, sharp and blurry. Just the right combination I say.

Let's talk about the apartment tour, lol.

JM, the master of privacy.

The man that wouldn't even show us his TV, only a cropped screenshot of it when congratulating JK on Dreamers.

The man that over the past close to 2 years since the hiatus, has done every live but one (the Billboard #1) from the company.

Yes, that man.

He not only went live from home (unplanned, which I discussed partially and will probably talk about again later on), from a room we got to see in his previous single home live, but he actually gave us a house tour. Well, somewhat of a house tour. A house ceiling tour with a couple of exceptions, lol.

This tour is divided into 2 parts.

First part was initiated by JM.

And this is important. Because it differentiates between perhaps more pre-thought of and less pre-thought of (more of a spur of the moment thing).

So, after mentioning JK (and reading out the hand comment) JM thinks of this:

JM wanting to show us his mood lamp. His planet mood light.

You know what I'm talking about, right? The one with that huge ass sun just right in your face.

He tells us how he simply came to meet us today and he has something to brag about.

Now let's wait up a minute.

He simply came to meet us on JK's birthday adorning his big ass watch starting the live at the time stamp JK was born, like time started counting from that minute and on (for him at least), and now he wants to brag about something that his friend laughed at him about (a grown man sleeping with a mood lamp), which happens to have the sun up front and centre, all huge in it's full glory, for him to fall asleep with (me continuing his story: when his bf isn't or can't be there by his side to fall asleep with).

Yep. All of that!

Ok, so JM is walking around, taking us to what is clearly his bedroom, camera at ceiling because his place is too dirty (his words) as he wasn't planning to go live from home (funny how plans change). He repeats it btw. Saying "I really didn't intend to."

Pause a second (we might be doing this more than once today). This is me just going back for a second to that same point I made in part 1. JM was not going to do the live from home. He doesn't say he wasn't going to do a live. He says he wasn't going to do a live form home.

JM takes us to his bedroom.

Who would have believed this day would come?

And if talking about not believing a day will come, perhaps me jumping the gun here, but can't hold back the excitement, what about this coming from JM?

Can't say I'm not shocked.

But then, maybe, just maybe, a little of his bf is rubbing off on him? And maybe, just maybe there is a reason for his sudden openness with us?

Anyway, back to JM's bedroom.

What's this now?

Not sure if he intended for us to see this, but we even got a peak at his bed for a millisecond... shock and awe...

*And kind of a downer for those that thought the snore in the dark was JK sleeping in bed. here is bed. Empty. Made. No JK. I guess you win some you lose some, lol.

Now this is where I got a little confused first time watching this. I actually thought that JM took the lamp from his bedroom to another room so to not be in his bedroom. Cause he sits down, fiddles around with something. Then gets up again and walks around, camera at ceiling (which was very confusing). But watching it a second and third time I think that he was setting the lamp up, connecting it perhaps, and then got up to close all the doors (bedroom door, bathroom door, closet door and who knows what other door) to go dark so we can see the beautiful projection.

And him having to connect the lamp, does it kinda maybe mean that he doesn't use it every night, mainly because who needs to fall asleep looking at the picture of the sun when the sun is right besides you in bed? Food for thought.

This is what he shows us at first.

He then turns the camera around to show other planets. But he always goes back to the sun. And makes sure to explain to us that it is the sun.

And while, once more, focusing on the sun says: "It's pretty, right?"

It definitely is.

And when he does his whole foot up in the air (I don't think he was pointing, because when he wanted to point he did it with his finger, pointing at the sun) caressing or whatever you want to think he was actually doing, it's with the sun.

You know what came to mind first thing I saw this?

JM and his love for playing footsies with JK.

Oh, and if I'm already going down memory lane, we have JK too.

Back to business.

I find it funny how JM on the one hand says multiple times he wanted to brag to us about the lamp, and then says it's embarrassing that a man nearing 30 sleeping with a lamp. And he talks about the friend appalled by it, lol. That a guy who lives alone (he repeats this) sleeps with a lamp. I guess that when you can't have the sun with you then a projection of it on the ceiling has to do.

JM adds: "these days I look at the ceiling and space out" - looks at the lamp projection that is. And when he says "these days", once again I'm thinking of it being due to JK's clearly super busy schedule.

So yeah, that was more or less part one of JM's house tour.

At this point JM turns off the light and walks back to the PC room (still only letting us see the ceiling as he is moving through the house).

He sits back down and tells us he is living his life like this.

He's sitting there reading comments for a few seconds and then he reads this one out:

Welcome to part 2 of the house tour, lol.

He straight away says: "you can see the secret room", grabs the camera and off he goes (again camera at ceiling of course), and asks himself "what are some things I can show?", while obviously there is still very much more that he doesn't want us to see.

He says "I will show just this one then", following by saying he really didn't want to show "my room", and then we are in his gym.

Shows us his treadmill, tells us "this is my secret room...right here."

So, let's pause for a second here before we move on.

JM clearly decided it's time to share with us (without saying it out loud) that he is boxing. A lot. The hands (he left raw for all to see) and showing us his gym as well.

JM has a punching bag at home.

No biggie, right?

He has a full proper gym at home, much like Tae does, and most likely the others too, well most of the others, because JK doesn't. JK, until a short while ago, didn't have any workout equipment at home. Let alone a punching bag. THE boxer in the group does not have a punching bag at home. And do we talk about the fact that all of his workout equipment, the little that he does have, is in his lounge room? I digressed. As usual. Anyway, now we know for sure (as if we didn't before) that JM is clearly boxing, and all that is left to see is his set of boxing gloves.

And then, JM goes to show us his dad's bedroom, for when he visits him. JM asks himself if there is anything he can show us from dad's room, answering "vacuum cleaner".

JM walks out of that last room, he looks around, nods with his head (looked like he was contemplating something but decided on NOPE), and walks back to the PC room.

End of house tour.

While on the way there he tells us how his parents "came over to my house and said this..."your house really has nothing, it's like a model house. It doesn't seem like a person lives here. Do you want us to change a bit?".

Ok, so JM's been living in that apartment at the very latest since May 2021. Over 2 years!! And in that time his parents must have visited multiple times. We know at least of once back in October 2021, so a long time ago. JM isn't telling us when exactly this was said to him, and timing, my friends, is everything. There is a before and an after that might be going on here. And It's kind of curious how at this point in time both JM's place and JK's place are lacking in the feeling of a home in the true sense of it. Lacking in adding their little personal touch to the place. Giving them both, at this point, the feel of these places being a temporary fix. Just until perhaps a certain 5 story house is built.

Do I address the marimo discussion and how it turned into a Suga discussion? Was that JM shutting down Yoonminers? Lol.

JM reads out a comment "I miss Jin and Jhope" and tells us he's thinking of going to visit them.

JM continues to read through the comments and reacts to them, this is around the 29 min. mark. You think the hand comments don't continue again? Like he hasn't addressed it 10 times already during this live. He smiles through it, but seriously!!!!

One comment has him giggling : "In my last dream you went out with me but I got dumped". Lmao. At least they were being realistic. His answer was: "I'm sorry. It wasn't intentional". Ehm, excuse me, but to me dumping feels very intentional. Lol.

One of the most annoying comments, well in my humble opinion, was the one asking him why the chocolate factories have closed. Poor man was waiting and waiting on a reply on that one, so much so he was putting off finishing the live, he was seriously curious, only to have this stupid ass punch line about him being sweet. From the expression on his face when he finally read the answer he was probably thinking "this is what I was waiting for?", lol.

JM's asked about his skin care routine to which he answers: "it's nothing, I just wash up, and I just apply it on my face. Just the cream". Thing is later on as he's closing up he says he has to go wash up but:

Curious.

Didn't he just tell us all about it earlier? Or was this him just being cheeky?

JM tells us he goes for a run in the middle of the night and runs into RM.

Quite interesting that the first time he noticed RM's poster was almost 2 weeks after it was placed there. Especially now that we know from him he's out jogging every night. Was he possibly away for a while? Perhaps not alone?

JM was asked about dramas he's watched and answered he hasn't watched many lately.

I guess JK being busy is the cause for that. We know for a fact that they watch shows together.

Then he's asked "show your 7 tattoos", to which JM answers:

"You saw it yesterday. Photos went up. Really...I saw that...Definitely...I'm an anchovy." giggle giggle giggle. "Anchovy...phew..." giggle..."just laugh at it and move on..."

Lol, I'm sure he's also referring to him standing on his tippie toes for the pose, trying to seem bigger and taller than he is.

Now wait a second here.

The comment asked him to show his 7 tattoos. Not "show your moon tattoo". Not "show your back tattoo". Clear as day talking about his 7 tattoos, and JM was the one to read it out!!!

So, obviously that riske (not really, but clearly an eye opener) photo he posted for JK's birthday was on his mind. Or is it more so that JK is on his mind?

JM's told he needs to sleep well. The man says it's rare, but he actually slept well today. Usually when he has schedules he doesn't sleep well. But:

I guess something, or someone, helped tire him out.

And yes, I can hear the guys on the balcony with the "if he slept so much he couldn't have been with JK". Yeah-nah. Have we not seen these guys schedules? Did I not talk about it in part 1? Night and day are non existent. JM slept 8 to 9 hours and came out - to his schedule, in the evening. These two go to sleep in the morning and wake up at noon. Even in JM's last live, when he was talking about having a proper schedule, including a proper sleep schedule, he was talking about sleeping in late. So no, him sleeping properly doesn't rule out them spending the night together. JM doesn't tell us when he went to sleep or when he woke up. Actually, the way he words it, it's more like he slept till late and woke up in time for his Dior schedule.

Pretty much this was where JM was wanting to end the live.

And starts to sum it up.

After a few more comments JM winds it up saying his goodbyes.

And that was the end of JM's live on JK 's birthday.

Oh, btw, remember I said that when I first saw JM's live photo I mistook it for JK? How those pants seemed a little big on him? Well came across this today:

I'm not 100% sold those are the exact pair of pants, but they sure look similar. And even if they aren't same pants, well my point in part 1 was proven - the pants being exactly the style that JK wears.

I had one more thing I wanted to talk about, which I'm not sure about, but thought it would be good to mention.

About the 12 minute mark JM is talking about taking lessons in English. And he was saying it's hard but he has to force himself to do it, cause otherwise he won't do it. And then he talks about how people get lazy and gives an example. And here is where I found something a little curious. There I go with that word again.

The word of the day: Curious.

Anyway, JM gives an example. And he words it like this:

"You know there is this. I came home as it is like this... It's 9:07... I think that I should wash up at 9:30... But we don't wash up... And later, when it's 1 in the morning... I should really wash up. To sleep...I must wash up. You also know this happens".

And he's giggling the whole time.

Did you notice? The switch from I to we?

Now, it could be him talking about him and us, but I kind of don't think it was, as he starts with I and goes to we and then back to I.

It could also definitely be a slip of the tongue.

You know who the we he might be talking about is. That plus one that turns I to we. That certain plus one that has told us on multiple occasions how he dislikes to wash up before sleep, delaying the inevitable as much as possible, also using that term lazy with regards to it.

Just thought I'd share this little thing I notices with you guys before I finish up with this post.

I feel like this part of my post is a little more all over the place (a bit like JM perhaps, lol). Maybe a little too much blurry and not enough sharp, lol. But hey, I guess it is what it is.

So, we had JK doing the short live nothing like his usual birthday lives, and then later in the day JM coming live, unplanned. Well more so unplanned from home. Could they have been planning to do a live together at Hybe? Could JK have been planning to and asked JM to go live in his place seeing he's held up?

Who knows.

What I do hope is that next time it's not going to be the two live on the same day, but rather the two live same day same time same place.

Here's wishing.