#rairambles

[hellorai]

This is lowkey late but I’m so happy to be celebrating my first pride month as a femme lesbian! I’ve learned so much about myself and my boundaries and even though I’m not able to go out to pride events I can be around my gay friends especially my lesbian friends and that makes me happy!! Find a way to be prideful in your own way, whether that’s going to pride, going to clubs, going to events, doing nothing and just being gay. However you want to do it is valid!! Can’t wait to go to pride though lol, also this pride is awesome even without a girlfriend always wanting a butch but that doesn’t dictate whether I’m prideful or not!! HAPPY PRIDE Y’ALL🧡🤍🩷

[hellorai]

Really gay*

reblog if you’re NOT tumblr famous, but you ARE tired and kinda gay

[hellorai]

Need a butch to talk to like bad it’s getting ridiculous

[hellorai]

Omg I haven’t had a post like this in a minute but I miss y’all being my diary so I want to talk about something that was inspired by a conversation I had with my sister.

I love that apart of being a femme is you express femininity the way you want to whether it’s traditional or dramatic or just different. That’s being said I’ve never really expressed my femininity I mean I’ve never been overtly masculine but I’ve been made to feel so, so now that I’ve found myself it still feels odd like it’s not natural. I often feel myself looking at people with any identifiers and being so upset just wishing I could be as natural as them. I think apart of it is I’ve never actually felt attractive to myself or others and if I was it was out of sexualization.

How I view my femininity is pink, black womanhood, loud (colors, patterns etc…), expressive, showing skin, nature, maximalism, fairies, princesses, beach, and things I can’t describe and sometimes it’s different cause I’ll cover up idk.

Apart of this is harder because I have no lesbian friends in real life and we already know how isolating lesbianism is especially as a young person. I just want to find a way to express my femininity and not feel like I’m not putting it on? Like it’s my default I guess. I know femininity is more than appearance but it’s how I validate myself because on the inside I just don’t feel it? Like I feel it but it’s hard to push out, at my core I’m feminine and a femme lesbian but it’s just hard…it’ll come with time🩷

[hellorai]

I know it’s super late and this is will be awfully short but butches thank you so much for being my friends and my companions, here’s to loving butches of all walks of life🩷

[hellorai]

Went to Home Depot and didn’t meet my butch soulmate wtf??

[hellorai]

ིྀI put in a set of rollers without a butch again to watch or yap to or help me…I might just evaporate AND my nail charms got stuck a bunch😞 ིྀ

[hellorai]

Autumn nights like this I wish I was curled up with my butch on our couch we got at a market when we first moved in together. Throw blankets swallowing us as we start a new show or continue a movie marathon tradition with a cat inbetween us. Soft looks on both ends, lingering touches, peppering kisses just because. Candles flickering in the distance, moon shining down on us through the window, only sounds being the tv and our muffled “love yous”

The yearning is on tonight LMAOOOO

[hellorai]

@bambiesfics bimbo reader is so me (for the most part like 90%) and I love her so much holds a special place in my heart and she’s like the only insert I really relate too AND Ellie is butch in those stories it’s just magical to me😭🩷

[hellorai]

I’m more afraid of falling in love with someone then never loving again

Like I see the phrase “I’m scared to love again” or some version of that a lot and I use to feel that. Then I found my correct wording to express all of my emotions; I’m afraid to give another piece of me to someone and try to build something get it sent back for whatever valid or invalid reasons and rebuild that part of myself again. We’ve been over this on her I’m intense and I’m not blaming any partner for that but fuck I’m tired. Im passionate and intense and I’m clear about that if we’re gonna for real talk or date and everyone seems to understand and be cool with it but then im too much or something and it just hurts because now I overthink and over check my emotions (on top of this I do have emotional problems which is why I don’t immediately point fingers) but then im pushed to open up and be free with them then it’s too much like fuck pick one!! I’m tryna pace with people and give grace but I never get that back but I truly don’t get interest back??

It doesn’t help in a lot of ways I’m not looked at as feminine but the part I want to really talk about it my directness. Yes I want to be asked out and yes I want to be courted but I’m not gonna be some uber demure girl with you if I know I like you and you like me! I’m gonna say I like you and directly flirt and since I’m not a mean femme it’s such a turn off for so many people. Like I’ll ask for boundaries, I’ll ask if this is okay and I get a go ahead and get ghosted or we have the conversation then get ghosted. I’m tired of my personality being a reason for people to flee…

Femmes can look and act like anything and that means direct and knowing what we want! It just sucks y’know, I hope some other direct femme sees this and knows that they aren’t alone. I just feel so detached from femmehood (femme womanhood or femme livelihood) because I don’t feel feminine no matter what I do it just doesn’t feel natural especially because I’m black and darker and the stigmas around that, knowing that if I looked different I’d be treated and view myself differently. I think I’m beautiful that’s not the problem here and I know I’m feminine without me dressing up and being “soft” because that’s not all femininity is but FUCKKKK it’d be nice to see myself on those spaces because I am soft I just also have big emotions and I’m direct and I’m tough.

Back to the topic of love this isn’t me saying I don’t love myself either because I do it’s more I feel unloveable and I went through a recent situation and it made me feel that someone could genuinely love me or care for me but it wasn’t real y’know that connection but the idea behind someone feeling that way for me was? It’s just a time thing and I’ll get there, I’m just tired of being alone and feeling unlovable

Hope this makes sense cause it’s an unedited rant and my feelings and ego hurts a bit rn😁

[hellorai]

ིྀvery demure ིྀ

[hellorai]

ིྀsomething about having my nails and hair done during lesbian visibility week ིྀ

[hellorai]

ིྀKinda upset at the fact I did my makeup and hair with no butch around to talk to and just vibe with ིྀ

[hellorai]

Happy lesbian visibility week!! This is my first week ever so yay!!

[hellorai]

ིྀI need butch love (doesn’t have to be romantic) cause idk how I feel about my makeup and I can’t send it to anyone 😭 (my two butch buddies aren’t active and I’m in a crisis trying not to cry my lashes off) ིྀ

(This is the makeup in question and I love it nvm having a moment 😚)

[hellorai]

Okay I’m supposed to be asleep but I can’t so horny ramble

I’m tired of touching my I need a butch to do it!! It makes me want to cry that a butch isn’t between my legs lapping at my pussy as I cum over and over and all I can do is moan a broken good boy and pull on their hair hopefully suffocating them some

I want to be in the ovi position as my butch threatens me with pregnancy and I can just feel how much stronger they are than me and how they smell because I was teasing them while they were checking up the matience of the house

Want to be fucked dumb abc claimed so bad I could cry like I need a butch this very moment like I’ll be so so so good!! Oh and the give and take free use… I could ride him when I want to and not allowed him to touch me and he could take me from behind whenever

Shaking after writing this cause I thought about a butch claiming me and calling me a good girl and their dumb bitch…

Just didn’t feel like editing it due to how desperate I am right now and I’m so tired…might fix in the morning