#rain.writing

[queerstudiesnatural]

i think it would be so funny if sam and cas started saying i love you before dean and cas did.

sam is on the phone with cas in the bunker and they're on speakerphone because dean is also there and they are talking about a case. when they hang up sam says alright thanks cas, love you. and cas says i love you too, sam, and they hang up and sam goes to get up and go do something else, but he catches dean staring at him and is like what. dean is like "so um." clears his throat. "so that's a thing you guys say now?" and sam is like "what thing." because he's been saying i love you to cas for months or years so he barely registers it anymore. and dean is looking at him like he just announced he was retiring to become a stand up comedian and says, "you just said i love you. to cas. you guys. you guys said. do you-- i mean. you said i love you to cas. i didn't imagine that, did i?" and sam is like "oh yeah well. i love him. he's my friend. i love you is a thing friends say to each other." and dean stares harder and says, "i've never heard you say i love you to anyone. you've barely said it to me." and sam is like "yeah well we're not exactly like that, are we. you've never said it to me, either. but cas-- well, cas is my best friend, you know? and i do love him. so why shouldn't i say it?" when dean still looks unconvinced, he adds, "hey, you said i love you to charlie, right? well, cas is my charlie". that seems to get dean's brain working. "okay. okay, so, you guys are like. best friends. but i thought i was his best friend." "well dean, i don't know what to tell you. if you wanna tell cas you lo-" but dean cuts him off to ask, suddenly, "wait, is cas gay?" and sam is like what. and dean is like "you said he was like charlie." and sam says, exasperated, "dean, that's not what i meant. charlie was more than that, and so is cas. i just meant that i love him like you loved charlie." dean doesn't seem to be listening though, and he deadpans again, "so, is cas gay?" sam is so confused by the direction the conversation has taken and he's like "i don't know, dean, maybe. i-- i don't know, it's none of my business." that seems to set something off in dean though, and he gets up abruptly with a see ya sam and strides off to his room.

once there he sits on his bed, closes his eyes and says, cas, get in here. i need to talk to you, it's urgent. he's not surprised when cas appears out of thin air to his left. he doesn't even flinch. instead he stands up to face cas.

"you said i love you to sam," dean says. no hello, no thanks for dropping by. "earlier, on the phone. you guys said i love you."

"i... yes? i do love your brother." cas seems appropriately confused, but dean doesn't care.

"ok. ok. is sam your best friend?"

"dean, you said this was urgent."

"it is urgent. is sam your best friend?"

"i-- i don't know. he is a good friend."

"because i thought i was your best friend."

"i don't know, dean," cas says, exasperated. "i like you both. you are both my best friends."

"but you love sam. you just said. oh and by the way, i just had a talk with sam, and he loves you as a friend."

"i know that, dean."

"so if we're both your best friends--which is bullshit by the way. sam isn't the one who watches movies with you and stays up talking with you and has that... bond, or whatever, with you. but, if we're both your best friends. then do you love me?"

cas opens and closes his mouth, furrows his eyes, then finally says, "yes, dean."

"okay, well that didn't sound very convincing. do you love me? cause i love you."

cas' eyes widen a bit at that, then he smiles a tiny smile in the corner of his mouth and says, "i love you too, dean."

"okay. good. glad we cleared that up."

there's a pause in which dean keeps picking at his fingernails and worrying at his lip, cas awkwardly waiting for a sign that the conversation is over. dean decides that it's not over.

"i love you more than sam does," he blurts out, searching cas' eyes for... something. "he said he loves you like i loved charlie. i don't love you like charlie."

"oh," is all cas says.

"i love you like. like. like ren and stimpy. like mulder and scully. like butter and bread.

"oh," is all cas says again.

they stare at each other for about half a minute, then dean says, "ok. good talk."

and cas says, "i have to go. i was doing research in a private library in marrakesh."

"right. you should get back to that."

there's a flutter of wings and cas is gone.

they haven't cleared anything up, not really, but when they hang up the phone now, dean says i love you, and cas says, like butter and bread.

[lon-done]

(#) rain.navigates — navigation

(#) rain.writes — fics (and occasionally, poems) written by me

(#) rain.recs ; [fandom] — various fics i reblog

(#) rain.rbs ; [art/gif and icon/misc/highlight] — various things i reblog

(#) rain.drops — random blurbs, headcanons, or whatever snippet i’m currently thinking about

(#) rain.https — just worthless ramblings

(#) rain.echoes — interaction space

[queerstudiesnatural]

I found my way living in you

Words: 3,088

He lifts Dean's head up with tender fingers until they are looking in each other's eyes, and his thumb wipes the tears on his cheek. “Hi,” Dean says. “Hello," Cas smiles. "Cas?" Dean asks, and a sob is threatening to break out of his throat again, this time brought on by the overwhelming rush of his senses and reality coming back to him, not brighter and louder, but more tangible. "Don't ever leave." Cas' face changes surreptitiously, eyebrows lifting ever slightly. “Dean—" "Don't. Don't argue with me, Cas. Just stay. Please. Please." The expression on Cas' face is one of awe, and somewhere in Dean's mind he thinks the painting must have shifted to show a halo around him, too. "Alright," Cas says. "If this is what you really want." "Cas," Dean whispers, and he can't imagine why it was so difficult to say it before. It's the most natural thing in the world. "I want you." He brings Castiel's hand to his lips. "Wherever we are, whatever we're doing, I want you. I need you."

read the whole fic on ao3

[queerstudiesnatural]

Happy Birthday Destiel!! Here are some words I wrote about you

X | X | X | X

[queerstudiesnatural]

brie cheese, a poem i wrote in august 2021

(alt available)

[queerstudiesnatural]

📚 masterpost of my fics and ficlets 📚

fics - ao3

Nothing Above Us And Nothing Below - deanbenny, 3.1k words

Violet - jocassie, 4.5k words

God is (not) at your local Gas N’ Sip - a short Steve!Cas study, 722 words

Thank You - destiel horny grace healing momence, 1.5k words

I found my way living in you - destiel (cas comes back), 3k words

ficlets - tumblr 

Destiel kiss on the cheek

Friendsnatural

Gardener Dean

Destiel hair salon divorce arc

Dean & Bela 

Bufus 

CasMickDeanKetch love/hate rectangle? You better believe it

Endverse Destiel

Sam and Cas say I love you

Cas post Empty amnesia

“Why do you love me?”

Sam gets angry with Cas (+ ficlet by @faillen)

Sometimes Castiel lets himself hope

Cas doesn't know they're together

tiny scenes and vague ideas (some if these are just short ideas not really written out)

Dean comes out randomly 

Destiel anniversary angsty kisses in bed

Longest kiss buildup since 2007 Persuasion

Sewing up Cas’ trenchcoat

Emma and Dean in purgatory

Womennatural 

Alternate ending (beachnatural)

Horny grace healing

Destiel first kiss

Midam

boy besties

Cas wondering if he’s attractive

Musicnatural 

Annamary 

Evil dungeon scene rewrite

[queerstudiesnatural]

Spnpoetryrenaissance: Day 4 - Grief

@spnpoetryrenaissance

grief sometimes is about not understanding how the world can keep turning when yours has stopped. this is more of a personal poem really, vaguely disguised as destiel

[queerstudiesnatural]

🍊🍓

omg i'm sorry i never replied!! it's been a crazy couple of days

🍊 Who’s a character you don’t write for that often, but keep meaning to write for more? (They’re so interesting! But maybe you have trouble pinning them down, or keep getting distracted by another blorbo…)

sam!! it's so weird because i am 100% sam coded, and i relate to sam a lot, but for some reason i always feel more comfortable writing from dean's pov. almost all of my poems are dean pov, like i Get dean, i understand him and i can write as him, even though i'm not like him at all, but sam pov doesn't come naturally to me. but actually when i think about it it's really not that surprising, because i can't write about myself. i've never been able to write personal stuff, i just can't put it into words and it all sounds silly and overdramatic. so i guess sam is too much like me for me to write for.

🍓 What’s a fic you’ve written you feel is underrated?

um well i haven't written that many fics, i have like 4 small ficlets and i don't think any of them are that good. but a poem i like that i wish had gotten more reactions is this little drowley poem. i don't think it's great poetry or anything, but we don't have a lot of drowley content and it was interesting to write from crowley's pov :)

[queerstudiesnatural]

s.w.

love is a scorch mark on the ceiling.

[queerstudiesnatural]

Spn poetry month - Day 26: Dirt

@spnpoetryrenaissance​​

gardener dean is very important to me. and yes i think he has a lot of panic attacks when he’s no longer running on spite and adrenaline and finally lets his brain catch up to what he’s had to live through.

cw panic attack

Transcription under the cut

we got a garden, in spite of god

when i bought this house, i thought about how much you would love having a garden with flowers and bees and other annoying little living things it never once occurred to me that all that's yours would be mine that i would be getting a garden, too to grow tomatoes and fennel and strawberries to have a singular apple tree that bears small, barely eatable apples but that i still cherish like a part of me

we decided to try potatoes cut them up into segments and i dug a trench the stench of rotting flesh fills up the air in a bubble dirt and bones and meat surround me. past my bubble, the world falls away i am lying down now, next to the corpse, next to the worms that crawl up my nose and into my veins my lungs have decomposed and i will never breathe again. faintly, in the distance, a voice i am being pulled up now, out of my grave four years old in my mother's lap, unborn in an aquarium swimming, swimming, swimming inside myself shh, it's okay count backwards for me 50, 49, 48, 47, the worms crawl and crawl 46, 45, i think someone died, 44 43, focus on my breathing 42, 41, 40, 39, 38, 37, 36 my face is damp, has it been raining? or is it blood pouring out of my eyes? 35, 34, 33, 32, you're here but i can't see you i can smell you, though, and that's nice you smell better than the grave, 31, 30, 29 better than— 28, 27, 26 better than the corpse still lying somewhere behind me 25, 24, 23, you're right, there is no corpse 22, 21, 20, just dirt and potato segments that we cut up together, 19, and that are gonna grow strong for me to make croquettes and shepherd's pie. the worms are going away now. 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, i love you you're safe, i love you, 13, 12, 11, kiss me rise, fall, rise, fall, 10, 9, 8, no more burning, no more crawling 7, 6, 5, 4, it's just us and this house that you rebuilt for me for us, for our family, 3, 2, 1, i love you. stay with me.

i love my garden. i sit all day by my flower beds, my skin browning under the sun, and i have many more freckles (more places for you to kiss me). i don't dig the holes anymore, but i look at you turning over fresh soil your back glistening and packets of seeds at your feet and i can't help but think i've made it. maybe my chest gets tight sometimes, and maybe the smell of death still finds its way under my skin but i count backwards, and i listen for your voice, and i know that this is real. i know i can hold your hand, and cook us dinner i know i can drape myself around your back, even with my naked chest, even with sweat and dirt and coffee breath i know that we will have strawberries in the spring. i laugh at god, to know we are surrounded by alive things.

[queerstudiesnatural]

Spn poetry month - Day 19: Gender

@spnpoetryrenaissance​

ok i genuinely like this one jhdfk. more poems should be funny (and a little bit earnest). i wrote this one at the beginning of the month, i wasn’t sure about it then but now i love it. dean said enough with toxic masculinity i love my alive gay friends <3

Transcription under the cut

all my friends are gay

so yeah, all my friends are gay there's a quiet that comes with it a sort of put-yourself-away, and don't-think-too-much-about-it

and they can read through this stuff, you see the stuff i keep putting in my box of this-is-who-i-am of please-find-attached-my-personality

sometimes it's nice to know that all my friends are gay and i can step down from the show and let it all fly away

and what would my dad say? go get yourself a family well he has no idea that all my friends are gay

dad, this box, i built it for you i filled it with stuff you liked stuff like here-is-how-you-will-get-through and this-is-how-you-fight

but dad, i don't wanna be tough anymore i want christmas and silly hats i want flowers, maybe a cat i want my box to have color

well, all my friends are gay maybe they can help paint the walls maybe then someone might stay and laughter might echo down the halls

you know, when they get out the paint for the walls, i'll ask if they can do my nails. something simple, a light blue i've had enough of self-restraint

i've had enough. i want to dance and watch romantic comedies on the couch with my gay friends i wanna live past my forties

i'm tired of doing this bit of your voice in my head, screaming away so what if all my friends are gay there's nothing you can do about it

[queerstudiesnatural]

God is (not) at your local Gas N’ Sip

It's a quiet day at the Gas N' Sip. Cas is sitting behind the register, counting 5¢ coins. The only customer in the shop is an old lady, currently browsing the yogurt isle.

When she walks up to him he closes the register and smiles.

"Hello."

"Hello, dear," she smiles back, all warm and missing some teeth. She deposits her items on the counter, then frowns. She leans in, looks at him closely, and asks, "Aren't you God?"

"No," Cas immediately says. "I'm Steve."

Cas meets an old lady while working at the Gas N' Sip who thinks he's God because she recognises him from the news. They become friends.

Word count: 722

Rating: Not Rated

Read on ao3

[queerstudiesnatural]

🌸 masterpost of all of my poems 🌸 

dean

roots (dean on the road)

reaper save me tonight (faith!dean)

discharge (dean as a weapon)

a wise man once said to me (dean and found family)

bodies (dean’s relationship to his body)

all my friends are gay (dean and masculinity)

destiel

i think it was a thursday (beach day)

we got a garden, in spite of god (gardener dean)

come on baby, you know the words hurt my throat on the way out (15x09 & 15x18)

schrödinger’s lover (15x18 confession, dean pov)

would you come home? (dean grieving cas)

the sky was still blue (dean grieving cas)

sam

love is a scorch mark on the ceiling (a sammy study)

love is a scorch mark on the ceiling (no pictures)

mashed potato monster (trauma etc)

other characters

dead in the water (a concrete poem)

factory settings (angels, naomi)

so this is free will (jack)

free will was a bad idea (chuck)

sometimes a child is not a child until the day she dies (bela)

1983-? (john)

the song remains the same (mary)

angels are watching over me (mary)

other relationships

i wish i could have been her (deanjo mlm/wlw besties and jo’s death)

chapter 1: the end (samruby)

an angel and a demon walk into a bar (annaruby)

we, as faded colors on a cliffside board (megruby)

just you, me, the moon, and everything in between (crowley pov on drowley)

diary of a blonde cannonball (clairekrissy)

to love wholeheartedly (deanbenny)

non spn poetry

i hope that we (a poem about domestic sapphic love)

i love you (a wee poem about life)

brie cheese (a poem not actually about cheese)

BONUS: other people’s poems i’m obsessed with

[queerstudiesnatural]

wee sick boy poem for my beloved @faithdeans​‘s milestone event

cw for suicidal ideation :/

transcription under the cut

reaper save me tonight

beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep stuttering machine of a heart unsteady rhythm it keeps a finish line i could see from the start

circle my head with anointed hands burden of a caress, a drop of sweat rolling down my spine as they stand madness, chanting like a battleground

it's an old song, a dangerous melody boy meets death, not yet thirty still all is not lost, for to all that ails faith is a simple remedy

i have no faith, the boy admits no holy hands, not even clean when i wash them, water turns red do not waste your time on a stained sleeve

the boy is not yet thirty yet he's lived more than his years borrowing food, money, and time playing catch up with his fears

turning away from the crowd the boy asks for one last wish reaper, absolve me of my crimes with a touch, bring me quiet and peace

[queerstudiesnatural]

chapter 1: the end

a samruby poem

transcription under the cut

chapter 1: the end

the story starts with the end of time with a killing, with the first and last woman the story starts with you and the devil on your shoulder the story starts with me as the one who made you colder

darling, you and i are exceptional and when this is all over, or beginning when you are done digging your nails in to kill and clinging to my betrayal 

the taste of my skin will be the thing you remember your edges lodged in me, tearing me limb from limb and putting me back together with a swipe of your tongue you can have your way with me

and being hurt by you is a small price to pay for a world anew

where you and i are wearing crowns of bones and ruby is the color of your lips where hell is for everyone but especially you and me

darling, you will see that this was all for you and me and that i was created for this to give and to give and to make better so trade in your anger for your loving care the story starts and ends in blood make that yours or mine, we can share this fire more thrilling than the flood

no-one worth saving this time god has left the building it's just you, me, and the devil at the start of this rhyme

[queerstudiesnatural]

Spn poetry month - Day 1: Team Free Will

@spnpoetryrenaissance

this was inspired by dean calling himself, sam, cas and jack “team free will 2.0″ in tombstone when he’s just spent the past 5 episodes threatening to kill jack. and then proceeds to try to kill him several times after that. and idk, i figured that must have fucked with jack’s head a little.

Transcription under the cut

so this is free will

there's loud loud rage in the walls and electricity under my feet he points and i fall, and i think so this is free will you choose who you get to kill

well if this is free will give me a string of gold i will follow it until i stumble over the edge, knowing god lead me there

if there's to be a rope tied around my neck let it be placed there by hands who have not hugged me and taught me how to fish

i will let god cut me up into fourteen pieces and throw me in the river as long as it can't be blamed on free will and the hands of my father