#racing thoughts vs intrusive thoughts

[screaming--agony]

Dear Diary,

How do I get over it when trust is questioned?

[maeve-on-mustafar]

hello!! first of all: I’m so obsessed with your writing especially your anakin and mace dynamics of all kinds and your anakin-obi-wan-ahsoka trio. if you’re still writing for the anakin is mace’s padawan series, could I ask for your thoughts about anakin’s relationships with other padawans in this world?

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words! I love Anakin and Mace so much and have so many ideas about them being friends (or more) or Master and Padawan. It’s always so lovely when another Mace & Anakin (or Mace/Anakin) fan reaches out!

I do plan to update my series about Anakin as Mace’s Padawan one day! It’s slow going as I fight the intrusive thoughts and scramble for free time between school and work, but I have several WIPs and a few more ideas besides that that I’d love to be able to put down.

I’m always really fascinated by Anakin’s relationships with other Padawans in both Legends and canon, and I really like it when he’s introduced as having friends. It’s very popular in fandom to only have Aayla Secura as Anakin’s one friend throughout his entire time at the Temple (if he’s given any friends at all), but I really like to remember Tru, Darra, Jax Pavan, and Zule Xiss and the rest of the Padawan Pack from Jabiim.

I think being Mace’s Padawan changes Anakin’s relationships with other Padawans in that as he gets older, he feels more pressure to step up and try to be a leader/mentor to his peers as a way to honor Mace and all of the Jedi who have helped him. It’s not that Anakin feels like he has to be a model student or a perfect Padawan—he just wants to make it known that he recognizes the kindness he’s been shown and it capable of passing it onto others, whether that means helping some of the Padawans who are struggling to chose that their lightsaber form or going with a particular Padawan who a Senator has been personally inviting to their apartment to make sure it’s all above board.

TBH, I don’t think Anakin is ever entirely comfortable in this role? He’s always aware of the eyes on him and that there are certain expectations for him as the Padawan of the Master of the Order. There’s always a part of him that would rather be in his workshop repairing droids or inventing new starship designs. But he tries to channel that into other actions, like helping new Padawans design their lightsabers, or holding a “Mechanics 101” class for Jedi who aren’t as tech savvy as he is.

But in many ways, Anakin is the same guy. He still clashes with Ferus, because Ferus is still judgmental about Anakin’s hobbies. He still finds a way to swoops race if he thinks he can get away with doing it for a mission. He’s still very talented and he knows it, but I think in the position he’s in as Mace’s Padawan, he feels like he can’t show off as much without it coming across as bragging, so he has to truly chose his moments to shine. But he never resents Mace or any of the other Jedi (beyond Ferus) for it. It’s more of an internal frustration that Anakin has with himself.

I think that might be the biggest difference between who Anakin would be as Mace’s Padawan vs. Obi-Wan’s Padawan. Especially in Legends, a huge insecurity of Anakin’s was that Obi-Wan didn’t actually want Anakin as his Padawan and only is training him out of obligation to Qui-Gon. With as snarky as Obi-Wan could be, and in particular, because Obi-Wan actually said in TPM that Anakin was dangerous and should not be trained when Anakin was standing right next to Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, I don’t think Anakin ever overcame this fear. As far as I’m aware, unless I’m forgetting something, Obi-Wan never reassure Anakin that this wasn’t the case.

But with Mace Windu taking Anakin as his Padawan, Anakin knows Mace chose him. There’s never any doubt that Mace wanted to train him or that he loves him, and Anakin loves him back. I see that aspect of their relationship as being very simple; there is never any doubt of their affection for one another. But I think Anakin remains insecure in a different way, especially since he’s thrust into the spotlight much earlier and on a much more regular basis. A part of him is always hyper aware of his background and is wondering if he, as a former slave, is good enough to be trained by the Master of the Order, and I think a lot of his relationships with other Padawans are shaped by him trying to overcome that insecurity and be a person they trust and rely on. But I don’t think this particular doubt of Anakin heals until he reaches Knighthood.

Thank you so much for your kind words, and I’m sorry it took me so long to respond. I want to work on clearing out my ask box, so if anyone has any asks they’re waiting on me to get to, believe me, I’m working on it! ❤️ Thank you so much to anyone who’s read and enjoyed my fics!

[aquaquadrant]

As someone with mental illness and intrusive thoughts and someone who is going into therapy and is close to many people with different experiences with mental health. I say that your torchy fic was great. I enjoyed reading it. Whether it is intrusive thoughts or not, I do not see how it is demonizing mental health. If that's demonizing mental health then how is your whole fic not just using it as entertainment and thats wrong according to these people too. I enjoy all of your works, and if people get triggered by the fic, that's why you put a trigger warning. It's on them after that. Unless you were using DID as a way to show oh this person has one evil alter but they are nice. That I can see having a problem with. But your torchy fic is not that in any way. I just wanted to add thus because you do not deserve the bashing you are getting.

hey anon, thanks so much for sharing your perspective, i really appreciate it. i definitely touch on serious topics in my angst but there’s never been the intent to cheapen or demonize anything like that. it’s like, for example, i use a lot of racism allegories in HTP (the hybrids vs non-hybrids, hels vs non-hels) and some of the characters have really awful perspectives about the topic (bravo and atlas my beloathed). that doesn’t mean i, as the author, am supporting those viewpoints as they apply to real life (ie. i’d never claim someone is born inherently evil based on their race)

it’s good to be mindful of how i portray things in writing, i guess. but there’s a difference between demonizing something and just, very simply, portraying it. if we shy away from using those topics in writing in any capacity, all it does is equate to censorship. and suddenly there’s less representation, less information, less of an outlet for real life people who have those experiences. and like you said, even tho this fic specifically wasn’t even about mental illness, those kinds of outlets can be very helpful to people struggling irl. so i’m glad you were able to enjoy it, and i appreciate you sharing your personal journey <3

[thelemmallama]

We have "aliefs" and "beliefs" - let me introduce "celiefs": something that we worry *has a high chance of being true*, but aren't quite convinced of.

Often this is something that society/experts/someone you admire says is true, but you don't see the reasoning behind.

We may look for evidence that might convince us of the celief, or behave as if we already believe the celief; this is not exactly performative, but more like an act of "hedging" -- so that if the celief turns out to be true, we've avoided causing harm. We would do this regardless of whether people see it, but it can still feel "disingenuous" since we haven't exactly internalized the celief that we're acting on.

____________________________

This seems like it might be the difference between OCD themes and attenuated* delusions: You alieve your attenuated delusions while you celieve your OCD theme

* attenuated delusions meaning delusions you're capable of questioning. They become full-blown delusions sometimes. But they seem categorically similar, so I feel like the correct line to draw is [alief vs celief] rather than ["truly believe it" vs "know rationally that it's false"]

_____________________________

Some celiefs you might hold include:

vaccines work/covid is real

global warming is real

race/gender is a social construct

racism/sexism/etc exists

victims are telling the truth

homosexuality is bad/a sin

you will go to hell for doing bad things

i am the real abuser

i'm faking my mental illness for attention

i'm virtue signaling; only pretending to care/understand/be sorry/etc

my intrusive thoughts are who i am deep down

i was abused because i wanted it

Celiefs can be good or bad; sometimes it's good to hedge your bets on something you don't know much about and trust the people who have lived/studied the thing, but celiefs are also how people gaslight you.

I would classify anything that you maladaptively act upon but want to work through in therapy as a celief rather than a belief (if you really believe it, you wouldn't want to work on trying to not believe it, because from your perspective that would be deluding yourself)

[mailorderfictionalcharacter]

Anxious, Agitated, & Mixed Depressions; Dysphoric/Mixed Hypo/manias

Things I’ve been reading recently. Standard does not equal endorsement not a professional not uncritical of what diagnostic labels are doing disclaimers.

Anxious Depression &/vs Agitated Depression

Anxiety vs Mania - How To Tell the Difference (video, Tracey Marks)

Activated Depression: Mixed Bipolar Disorder or Agitated Unipolar Depression? (Available on Sci Hub)

MDD with Mixed Features vs Mixed Hypo/mania

How to Diagnose Mixed Features Without Overdiagnosing Bipolar (Psychiatric Times) 

Mixed features are common in practice but poorly described in DSM. They are caused by the overlap of depressive and manic symptoms, but it’s hard to understand them by reading separate descriptions of these two states. It would be like trying to imagine green by studying yellow and blue.

Exploring Diagnostic Strategies in the Assessment of Mixed Affective States (Psychiatric Times)

Although there is room for improvement, at least the new DSM-5 classification system has helped to identify more patients suffering from mixed states compared with previous nosology because of broadening the DSM-IV-TR criteria.15 For example, in one study, patients previously diagnosed with bipolar disorder were examined when they were having a manic or hypomanic episode, and mixed features were detected in 20.4% during the episode using the DSM-5 criteria; however, using the DSM-IV-TR criteria, only 12.9% of the patients had a mixed episode, showing what appears to be a lower degree of sensitivity toward mixed affective states.

Wired and Tired: Untangling a Bipolar Mood Episode with “Mixed Features” (Brooke Baron, bphope, blog post)

Then there are times when I feel quite worthless and depressed. I have no energy; I feel sluggish and isolated. Simple tasks become mountainous—even basic hygiene and eating practices. I have no bandwidth for anything.But I can’t sleep, because inside my mind there’s a grand finale fireworks display of thoughts. Some of them are about the past, some are about the future, and some are vivid ruminations about horribly tragic accidents happening to my loved ones—complete with unspeakable graphic imagery and a racing heartbeat. Intrusive thoughts, much?

Activated Depression: Mixed Bipolar Disorder or Agitated Unipolar Depression? (Available on Sci Hub, linked above)

Mixed/Dysphoric Hypo/mania

Exploring Diagnostic Strategies in the Assessment of Mixed Affective States (Psychiatric Times, linked above)

What It's Like to Experience Mixed Episodes With Bipolar Disorder (Personal essay, The Mighty)

I blast music in my car, in my ears, in my room, just to try to drown out half of the thoughts and slow down the stream. It helps sometimes. I don’t sleep much because the mania part doesn’t let me and because the thoughts keep me up late. I dream more during this period than at any other time because my brain won’t rest, even if I am sleeping. I can start a sentence off crying and be laughing by the end, the early tears still streaming down my cheeks... I want people to know what these feel like. Over the years, I have found myself frantically searching the web for others’ descriptions of their mixed episodes, and found material sadly lacking. 

How My Experience With Dysphoric Mania Led to a Psychiatric Hospitalization (The Mighty, personal essay) Note: author did not find experience traumatizing, discussion of non-consensual institutionalization.

I was super depressed at moments — couldn’t get out of bed, didn’t want to go to work. And then wildly hyper at other moments — waking up at 2 a.m. and deciding to make macaroni and cheese, cleaning the house in the middle of the night. My mind was filled with intrusive thoughts of self-harm and suicidal ideation.

What is Mixed Mania and How Do We Treat It? (Tracey Marks, video)

Dysphoric Mania Is Not 'Fun' (Mel Herbert, The Mighty, personal essay, archive link)

Because all of that energy that comes with mania does not come out in the happy-go-lucky way of euphoric mania, but rather as rage. Pure, blinding rage. I often describe this anger as being so immense I want to slice myself open and crawl out of my own body. Not in a way of self-harm, but to escape the anger inside of me. The anger I experience in these times is physically painful, to the point where I lie in bed and writhe because I’m not an angry person, and I need some way to escape this all-consuming rage.

What is a Mixed Episode? (Julie A. Fast, bphope)

During a mixed episode, I am abnormally restless and can’t settle down. I will pace, drive for hours, sit down and stand up, pick at my fingernails, drive too fast, yell at people, wonder why the world is such an ugly place, hate my life and hate people as well.

Welcome to My Dysphoric Manic World (Julie A. Fast, bphope blog post)

Everything is wrong. People are stupid. The government is stupid. The world is stupid. There is a desire to get away in order to feel better.

[caelumsnuff]

This is just a little post for pinning that i can slap all of my super based opinions and my super awesome fanfics on, as well as links for navigation of my blog

Anons, Asks, Original posts, Hate mail, My fanfics, My Fanart and Reblogs

My profic/proship Redacted discord server!

This blog will contain dark fiction, including but not limited to: violence, abuse, manipulation, cannibalism, snuff, dubcon, monsterfucking, blood play, incest, etc, etc.

Opinions and fics below the cut

Posts and Opinions:

Redacted ASMR, D(a)emons and The Racism Allegory and why i think it's important to talk about here

Post with general critiques of Erik's content here

This fandom's obessesion with moralizing liking villians/antagonists over the "good guys" here

Some opinions about Geordi and Cutie here, here, here, here, and here

Everyone walks on eggshells in this fandom, with a side of Cutie/Geordi here, more here (but without Geordi and Cutie)

Why people react differently to listener vs speaker characters here

How i would retconn Inversion here :3 (click this one its so good)

Ideal Quinn arc thoughts here

Thoughts on that one Imperium BA and why i thought the drama surrounding it was atrocious here, here, and here

More general critique

Gavin and Vincent's current lack of narrative purpose here

Morality policing and purity culture in fandom spaces rant here

I hope the channel ends with everything being for naught

How i feel about Sam and Darling here and here

Quinn arc opinions here and here

More about the Quinn arc but with a side of how i think the Quinn arc would go if it was good here

My stance on the whole ficition/reality thing here

Alexis.

My Redacted experience

Race in this fandom here, here and other places ill link when i post them X

Other ASMRists i enjoy!

Links to fics i have posted about here:

A Grotesque Perversion: Part one of an ongoing Caelum Corruption Arc series, Rated E for violence

In The Aftermath: Part two of the Caelum Corruption Arc, Rated M for discussions of PTSD, intrusive thoughts and other mental health issues

Abasing Attraction: Imperium!Asher/Imperium!Vincent hate fuck fic, Rated E for aforementioned fucking

Quinn’s Favorite Toy: Quinn/Random thrall feeding and fucking fic, Rated E for the rough sex, dubcon elements via trancing, mentions of wanting to snuff. Pussy version and cock version for the thrall

Of Blood and Teeth: Quinn arc fix-it fic. Rated E for graphic depictions of violence

First Time (in Glass Boxes): Caelum sexual awakening fic via voyering Asher/David. Rated E for sex, Underage warning for highschool Asher/David, chronologically very young Caelum

My AO3, for fics i haven't posted about here (i have finally decided to lock all my fics for archive users only)

[nikitafiber]

Questions of the Week 4/11/23

1.) Where do your ideas come from?

My ideas are usually derived from issues that I am currently dealing with, or topics that are relevant to me at the time. Until this question, I never truly realized the strength of correlation between my life current events or struggles and the art that I make in fibers class. I think that this theme is very much limited to the fiber classes I have taken. This is because of the way that the assignments are structured, with very little restriction, but enough guidance to not be completely lost or confused. I appreciate how quickly ideas are able to come to me with this structure.

For example, last semester when I made my uterus piece, I was inspired by the topic that was being heavily discussed obviously within the United States, but also in my political science class. We needed to meet a quota of 15 participation points to get an A in the class, regardless of our grade in the class. Close to the end of the semester, I had 10 points, and the professor had an opportunity where we could have a private discussion about a topic of her choosing. She chose a debate on the overturning of Roe vs. Wade. We talked about it and even within the context of class, this topic was exceptionally relevant. Invested in public health, I hold strong feelings in support of the right to choose and maintain bodily autonomy, as the research shows that having access to safe (legalized) abortions reduce the amount of health risks associated with child birth. Though it is a "moral" issue to many, it is a medical procedure that has scientific backing for its purpose and decreases the prevalence of maternal mortality and is actually safer than child birth in the United States. Because of this, I think that the Kalamkari piece I made reflects this importance and the burden placed upon our society now that the right to safe abortions is not longer protected everywhere. This is especially relevant in the state of Texas, where healthcare access and patient care are already limited, but are now further limited, specifically in terms of negatively affecting people who mostly identify as women.

Another example is the recent pill bottle soft sculpture. I was very much influenced by the recent stimulant shortage that has greatly affected people with ADHD diagnoses. In response to this, there have been some policy changes that further limit accessibility to an already hard to get medication, worsening an already difficult situation for those who need stimulants. I think people have poor perception surrounding mental health, medications for mental health, and in particular stimulants. With the cute prompt, I feel like bringing awareness to these medications is very beneficial, as these can literally save people's lives. Amongst this dilemma, I saw some mentions on social media and reflected upon things I have heard in the past about ADHD. Many people who do not understand the full extent of the problems associated with ADHD, greatly reduce how detrimental it can be to a person. I have heard: "everyone has a little bit of ADHD", "I feel so ADHD right now", "people with ADHD just want stimulants", "stimulants make you smarter", etc. But the thing is that, yes everyone will have lapses in attention and focus (this is part of being human) but ADHD goes beyond lacking in focus or feeling hyperactive. The symptoms that are often unrealized include: confusion and disorganization, emotion dysregulation, executive dysfunction, time blindness, sensory processing disorder, racing and constant intrusive thoughts, and feelings of inferiority. These invisible symptoms are often hard to describe to people who are not suffering with the same woes, and as selfish humans, it is hard to imagine the perspective of another person. I think by working to decrease the stigma that surrounds mental health and treatment for mental health, those that are suffering and have the means to seek help can work to seek help.

2.) What role does beauty play in contemporary art?

Beauty is conventionally associated with femininity and soft elegance. However, I think beauty is highly dependent on a viewers perception or bias towards topics or art works. This is because not everyone's perception of beauty aligns with the conventional definition of the word. I think that in terms of conventionality, contemporary art has strayed away from this towards a more loose definition of beauty that is able to account for a wider array of work. it is also able to encompass a diversified outlook on life. Allowing representation of other races, cultures, and beliefs to be highlighted and well received by the public. With this expansion, these concepts that were/ are not largely held become more normalized within society and garner better reception.

[sleep-sounds-nice-rn]

I watched rupaul’s drag race uk vs the world to distract me from my crazy intrusive thoughts and I am VIBING I fucking love blue hydrangea and janey🥰🥰🥰🥰

[earthqueefnation]

Okay I realize I'm asking a heavy question, so please don't take this as seriously as I am, I'm just hoping for a pick me up/entertainment from you lol - anyway, due to life events I've found myself in a situation where I get truly horrible, constant intrusive thoughts, they're easy to combat, especially since I've been a pacifist most my life, still am, that's not going to change, it just makes me so sad and oh man they ruin the mood EVERY time, but I've been entertained by the idea recently that it's coming from some less friendly aliens?? ofc I'm grounding myself in reality, no need to worry about that on your part, I've just always been fascinated with how beautiful and amazing life is and, by extension, especially aliens :p (you can skip what's in this bracket, it's me needing to deal with my intrusive thoughts because they're being stupid af rn, I feel I need to say this - I love life, therefor I'm a pacifist) - seeing a comment by someone unfortunately going through the same sort of thing as I and seeing that tin foil helped her won't pull me from my reality, but, it's so entertaining, not in a bad way ofc, no one should have to worry about hurting anyone, no one should hurt anyone, It's just nice being able to point at my intrusive thoughts in a way that's healthier than how I normally deal with them (usually I just get mad at them and then mad at myself because I know I need to be nicer to myself, I'm too hard on myself) I didn't really come in with a concrete question as much as I want your thoughts on this, I love your posts and kinda felt I had to get your opinion on it because I look at the sky and KNOW peeps are chilling, looking at earth and are sad seeing the conflict, to put it lightly, going on. Hope this book wasn't too much lol, again dw about your response, my mental health is pretty bad rn but I'm tough, am chilling, looking at the sky knowing we humans need to actually work together, stop climate change, help heal everyone, help keep everyone safe, etc, just like you :)

Thanks for talking to me. For a moment I thought my mission was useless and that I’m watching too much TV, until this message. There are so many more peeps up there than you can ever imagine and yes some of them are unfriendly. Blaming your intrusive thoughts on them is more accurate than you might think. If you observe humanity, you might notice a race living in slavery, as you seldom find people that feel truly free. Very few humans feel able to do what they want with their lives. It saddens me and the friendly peeps looking out for you, but it’s like a great battle of good vs evil. The good being your authentic, content self and the evil being everything that blocks you from living this truth. The unfriendly aliens use clever manipulation strategies that span over thousands of years (due to their far greater lifespans) to convince humans that they are powerless or broken, that they should judge themselves and feel guilt. You might notice this being enforced by the media, religion, societal values etc. It’s all things blocking you from realizing your power, because if you did, you wouldn’t live like slaves and the unfriendly ones wouldn’t be able to exploit you. Yes, this concept is extraordinary, but the truth remains. If you see your intrusive thoughts as tactics of manipulation, you will find it easier to rise above them and stop giving them your energy, maybe learn something new about yourself that’s more beneficial to you. Eventually the intrusive thoughts won’t have the power to convince you to give them energy anymore, and you will feel free.  Once you have cultivated freedom for yourself, you will teach others how to be free by simply being. It’s a domino effect and eventually the entire human race will be free. I hope this was of some use to you or that it at least provided you with the entertainment you were hoping for :)

If not, here’s a joke: How does the farmer count all his cows?

Answer: With a cowculator ;)

[hunnybadgerv]

Restless Energy | Mass Effect | Guardians in the Darkness

Summary: Always one to let her thoughts chip away at her, Nyx gets overwhelmed by the fears and worries. Sometimes it helps to have someone else there to give you a hand wrangling them.

a/n: Written to fill a prompt for Nyx and Kaidan from @Chyrstis. From the Training Turned Tension Starters prompt list.

Link to AO3

Restless Energy

Though Shepard never would have doubted it, Liara’s observation about the Major having become quite capable rushed back to the forefront of Shepard’s mind as her back hit the floor and the air rushed out of her lungs. His hand-to-hand tactics had clearly improved since the last time they’d sparred with one another. Of course, the last time it had just been the two of them it had turned into an event for the entire crew—two biotics probing one another’s limits on the ship. It was a heck of a draw. This bout skimmed under everyone’s radar. Though maybe the Spectre vs. Spectre aspect could have been at least as entertaining.

This time though, the rules were different. Nyx’s restlessness had piqued in the middle of the night following one of the more disturbing dreams she’d been having of late.  She’d slipped out of her quarters on her own to run off the nervous energy that kept her from being able to fall back to sleep. She hadn’t woken him, even despite his request to do just that a few weeks earlier. To be fair, she had thought about it, but he looked so peaceful; his face bore none of the stress that weighed on both their shoulders. As such, she just couldn’t bring herself to take that kind of relaxation from him, especially since good sleep was a commodity since the Reapers initial assault.

Despite her consideration, something had woken him, and he’d come to find her in the gym running full tilt, like she was being chased. He’d stood in the door watching until she noticed him. An open admission of her restless insomnia led them to this—going blow-for-blow with one another in the center mat.

It took a moment for her body to finally gasp in a breath, by then Kaidan loomed over her. Being beneath him on the mat, his hands pressing her wrists into the coated cushioning lining this area of the floor. It taunted another kind of restlessness. Even so, she kept her mind mostly on the objective—beating him.

Nyx returned his wicked smirk with one of her own, whether he thought it was a truce or not, she managed to shift enough to get her leg curled between them. She didn’t break their gaze until she flung him bodily over her.

The slap of his body against the mat came with a low groan. She rolled, breaking his grip on her wrists and trading it for one of her own. Straddling his ribs, her hands pressed into his and laced their fingers. Nyx leaned over him and kissed the tip of his nose.

“Should have stayed on your feet, Major” she told him with a smile. “You gave you your advantage.”

Kaidan didn’t move his hands; he just gave hers a squeeze. “Probably so.” He seemed less than concerned about his current situation, almost content.

She brushed the tip of her nose against his and tried to focus on that one moment. It was hard to keep out the ghosts and the doubts. The whispers of the mistakes she’d made with him and the dark unknowable future that might never be. Trying to keep it at bay, she kissed him. Hard. Like somehow, his lips on hers might chase away all those thoughts and feelings of guilt and failure that loomed at the edge of the little bubble they shared right there and then.

The silent sob shook her shoulders. A second tremor broke their kiss. Kaidan traded his hold on her hands for a tight embrace.

“What’s going on, Nyx?” he whispered into her hair as she collapsed against his chest.

“I can’t just stay here,” she mumbled into the curve of his neck. She straightened, holding herself up on her hands, which she placed on either side of his head. “But that’s what I want. All I want. To be right here in this moment, with you.” The frantic speed of her tone slowed with the last two words. “Sometimes I can keep the questions at bay, gag the voices that whisper what ifs at the edge of my mind. Not always though,” she admitted, sitting up.

Kaidan, while loosening his embrace, did not take his hands from around her. He rested them atop her thighs as he lay there, listening.

“I know how lucky I am—that you’re alive, and here, with me. And sometimes I can’t help but think how much I want this, which always twists into how much I don’t want to lose it again.”

With that, the major shifted beneath her so he could sit up with her now on his lap. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know that.” Her fingers cradled the back of his neck. “Neither am I. But we don’t know—”

“Exactly,” he said. “We don’t know.” He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. “We don’t know a lot of things, Nyx. We don’t know if one of us won’t wake up tomorrow, or if one of us won’t make it back from the next mission we take, or if Reapers will tire of the fight and just wipe every habitable planet out of every system. Or if maybe they’ll just fly off back to wherever the hell they were hiding before.”

She sighed and rested her forehead against his as that same old weariness crept into her. Silence fell around them and inside her head for a moment as he held her.

“I do know one thing,” he said. “I’m here, and you’re here. Right this second.” His hands were warm on her cheeks when he tipped his head up to kiss her forehead. “And whatever is going to happen out there in a few hours or tomorrow or next week I couldn’t tell you. But right here, right now I know what is going to happen.”

Her eyes met his. “You do?”

“Yeah, because I can make it happen.” His hands skimmed over her back. Maybe he was giving her a moment to figure it out as well. “You see.” He brushed a few wisps of hair away from her eyes. “I’m going to kiss the woman I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, however long or short that may be,” he swore.

Shepard could only smile, not only at the plan, but the fact that he was right. Right then, right there, the decisions were theirs to make, even if it didn’t always feel like is.

When Kaidan’s lips brushed hers softly, Nyx kissed him back. Cradling his face in her hands, she shifted her weight to regain her leverage on him and get him back to the mat. Of course, it was short lived. Kaidan rolled them over, trading their positions and settling himself wholly against here. Her fingers fisted in the soft fabric of his shirt and his hand glided over her ribs. The pace became frantic as the two of them made out like a pair of teenagers home alone. Once again, their pulses were racing in their veins, but for whole other reasons.

“You know?” she gasped between deep kisses, hooking her leg over his hip

He hummed at her, not really offering her the chance to expound more than a word at a time before his mouth was on hers again—needy and demanding.

“When your kissing me, I don’t think quite as much.”

That halted him and he leaned over her. His fingers glided through her hair which was loosening itself from the messy tail she’d put it up in before their impromptu sparring session. Kaidan grinned at her, his breathing fast and deep. “Is this your subtle way of telling me I should spend more time with my tongue in your mouth.”

“Well, not just there,” she crooned with a mischievous raise of her brow. “It works elsewhere, too.”

Kaidan’s dark chuckle rumbled through her body as his mouth met hers again.

Nyx wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders and held him close, opening her mouth when his tongue teased at her lips. Sometimes she could fall into the moment, lose all those doubting thoughts and voices, all the guilt over the wrong choices she’d made. Sometimes she could just let herself be happy, to be in the moment.

He’d put into words exactly the thought that haunted her at the moment. She was going to be with him as long as they had left. What always soured the thought for her was that not knowing if they’d make it through this war. It was bittersweet. They’d found a way back to one another in the most desperate of moments. A moment that either or both of them might not even survive.

Even still her romantic brain and foolish heart kept painting pictures in her head—fantasies of a home, maybe back on Earth. He had people there, she still might as well. Maybe a … she could barely let herself think it. Kids had never been part of the story she told about herself or her future. But a little part of her wanted that, with him, a family. Children, grandchilden, the two of them growing gray and frail together.

A thought hit her like a truck. She wanted more than the Austenian romance that ended when love was declared and promises were made to one another. Nyx broke their kiss and blinked up at him. “I want the boring part.”

“What?” he asked with an amused smile. Confusion played over his brow.

“I want the part that nobody writes about. The happy part that just continues along with no rising action or climaxes. The part after we find one another, after we make it through the struggles. The quiet domestic bit that they never put in the stories because it’s not dramatic enough.”

His face softened and the backs of his fingers ghosted over her cheeks. “So do I, Nyx.” His amber gaze held hers, as he stroked the side of her face tenderly. Kaidan’s smile bloomed wider, lighting his eyes, and crinkling the skin at the corners of them. “Though I am kind of hoping we can keep the climaxes. At least a few of them,” he teased.

Shepard laughed, burying her face against his chest. “Maybe that part was hasty, but you know what I mean.”

“Yes, I know.” He kissed her again, and Nyx fell back into it. Somehow, telling him about the thoughts creeping in on her seemed to chase them off for a time.

“By the stars,” someone muttered sometime later.

Kaidan and Nyx both tipped their heads toward the intrusion.

“Really, commander? You’re like the only people on this ship who actually have a room,” Vega taunted.

“Too much furniture,” Kaidan chided without missing a beat. “Needed more floor space.”

Nyx chuckled beneath him, her smile going quite wide. “Occasionally, you just need the extra room to maneuver.”

James narrowed his eyes at the pair of them. He knew they were messing with him. “Mmhmm. Yeah well, unless you want an audience you should take it upstairs.”

“That’s an idea,” Kaidan mused, looking at Nyx.

“He could learn a few things,” she agreed.

“True. He is still young and brash.”

“Might help him learn a little more finesse.”

James sighed at the two of them. “Talk all the shit you want,” he replied as he programmed in his workout to one of the machines. “I have a routine to keep.”

“Well, we’d hate to interfere,” Kaidan told him. Then he bowed his head and kissed Nyx again.

Sure that Kaidan had no intention of giving the lieutenant a show, Nyx embraced him savoring that playful kiss meant to further the officers’ game. The sound of reps continued in a set rhythm.

“Don’t think he’s phased,” she chuckled quietly against Alenko’s mouth.

“Might be getting used to us,” her lover agreed.

“I think we should go. Maybe you could rub my back.”

Kaidan retreated slightly. “And what about mine?” he asked in a scandalized tone. Kneeling between her feet, he set his hands on his lower back. “I mean you launched me pretty hard.”

The glee dancing in his eyes, however, insisted he was playing with her.

“You started it,” she replied, leaning up and stealing a quick peck before she sprang to her feet.

“Eh.” He shrugged and tipped his head. “Maybe a little.”

“A little, huh?” She turned and gave James a tiny wave as the two of them made their way out of the training area.

Kaidan slipped his arm around her waist, and lifted her off her feet, catching her off guard.

Nyx giggled and wrapped one leg around him as he pulled her closer.

“You still feeling restless?” he asked with a growl.

Nyx grinned at him and pressed a kiss against his mouth. “When you ask like that, I can only say yes.”

[pinelife3]

An investigation: if supermodels are so dumb and vapid, how do they pull artistic geniuses?

This is a picture of Nick Cave and his wife leaving the inquest into their son’s death. Their 15 year old boy fell from a cliff after taking acid and becoming disoriented. 

I cannot even conceive of how terrible it must be to lose a child. The drugs and the cliff make it an episode of Skins (or Euphoria for the zoomers) but that’s your little boy. It was a stupid accident and now you never get to see him again. A teenaged tragedy. Unendingly unfair. 

Ghosteen, the 2019 album from Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, is a complex, existential album in conversation with the death of Nick’s son and his feelings of loss and grief. Nick Cave is an artist - his life’s work is to share how he feels and what he thinks. What he’s expressing with Ghosteen is sorrow and longing - and some larger angst about the purpose of existence.

Through all this tragedy, I’m sure you couldn’t help but notice... who’s the babe with the shiny hair and the fabulous gazongas? That’s Nick’s wife, man! Susie Bick - or sometimes Susie Cave. She was a major model in the 80s and 90s. A model and an artist - it’s actually fitting. 

And what’s more, Susie is the founder of The Vampire’s Wife - a label which has become super popular in the last couple of years. (Fashion people eyeroll The Vampire’s Wife because every dress has the same silhouette, but that’s out of the scope of this blog.)

There is a perception that models are are vapid and unserious. Their job is to look good, keep their mouth shut, and move merchandise. They cannot offer anything profound because their value is surface level. Men and women both push this way of thinking. 

For example, when Brad Pitt was recently revealed to be dating 27 year old model Nicole Poturalski, people were disappointed. Brad Pitt has been a cultural fixture for decades - after all this time, people still find him fascinating. And they expect him to date someone who is equally compelling. Clooney married a human rights lawyer - why is Brad dating someone who makes posts like this on Instagram...

This was Lainey Gossip’s take on the new girlfriend: 

A model, younger, it’s so predictable it’s almost boring.

Nice! I guess we’re all feminists until the woman in question is young and hot. 

It's easy to assume the worst of a person who is unknown to us, but is beautiful and hooking up with someone famous. A million mean thoughts spring to mind. “A model, younger”. That’s scorn. You know exactly what she’s saying: hot but dumb. An uninteresting person. We know what Brad really wants her for... 

If Brad Pitt is compelling to you, how compelling must Nicole Poturalski be to have won and held his attention? Brad Pitt has not been celibate in the four years since he separated from Angelina Jolie, but not until Nicole did we have confirmation of someone who he was definitely seeing. He allowed himself to be photographed with her en route to his French chateau. And what ensued was a weird story - she’s in an open relationship with some old German restaurateur and she has a son? She’s a sugar baby? Why would Brad fucking Pitt get publicly involved with someone who has a messy personal life: why hook up with a married 27 year old and weather months of stories about her open marriage if he didn’t actually like her? Why even be seen with her? The relationship is a little weird - but the reporting on it has been nasty. The new sugar baby angle which has emerged in the last week (late October 2020) is basically calling her a whore. This is the level of suspicion and derision directed at a model dating a public fixture like Brad Pitt. The notion that Brad Pitt would pay for female company or sex is patently absurd. 

If our assumptions about models are correct, why do so many models end up with artistic geniuses? I don’t care about the Victoria’s Secret models who hooked up with the bassist from Kings of Leon. I’m talking about beautiful women who made it with icons, the premier humans of the past century:

MUSICIANS

Nick Cave and Susie Bick

David Bowie and Iman

Kanye West and Amber Rose

Bob Dylan and Sara Lownds

Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall

Mick Jagger and Carla Bruni

Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin

Eric Clapton and Pattie Boyd

George Harrison and Pattie Boyd

Madonna and Jesus Luz

MISC. POWERFUL PEOPLE

Salman Rushdie and Padma Lakshmi

Donald Trump and Melania (lol)

Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni

Evan Spiegel and Miranda Kerr 

Hitler and Eva Braun (What?! She had a brief career an artist’s model...)

Michael Jordan and Yvette Prieto

Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall 

ACTORS (perhaps not artistic icons... but still creative and interesting)

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves

Johnny Depp and Kate Moss

Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk

Bradley Cooper and Suki Waterhouse

Robert Pattinson and Suki Waterhouse

Vincent Cassel and Tina Kunakey

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubrey

Leonardo DiCaprio and half the VS roster

Huge congrats to all the models with more than one entry on the list. You’ll note that there is a dearth of female icon/male model pairings - this is kind of interesting but not something I feel like getting into.

To some extent, the prevalence of the artist and model pairing makes sense. Men like good looking women. Rich, powerful men are high status and have access to good looking women. Plus, an artist needs a muse.

Many of the models in the list above are actually iconic in their own right. Like, when someone is having a great day on RuPaul’s Drag Race and looking sleek and skinny and flawless RuPaul might compare them to Iman. People pay $10,000 USD for handbags named after Jane Birkin. 

Conversely, in the case of Amber Rose, she became the most desired woman in the hip hop industry c. 2010 because she was with Kanye. And most especially because she broke Kanye’s heart. Everyone wanted the girl from “Hell of a Life”. People point to that song as being about Kim - it was prophetic, yes, but not written about her.

Anyway. Could an icon, a legend, a genius, make it work with someone who had nothing to offer but a fast metabolism and a beautiful face? Do poreless skin and puffy lips make up for never finishing high school? 

Wouldn’t being with someone superficial or unserious mean the artist was fundamentally boring in some way too? This is increasingly the assumption about Leonardo DiCaprio - seen above photographing his 23 year old model gf for her Instagram. Even Reddit mocks him for his age gap relationships with models.

And here’s where I try to make my point: 

Kate Moss’ daughter, Lila, recently had her modelling debut during Paris Fashion Week. It was big news because she’s celebrity spawn - and of course her mother is one of the most iconic models ever. She was eviscerated. 

On The Daily Mail, the comparisons to her mother flowed. What’s interesting is that Daily Mail readers do not like Kate Moss but they will defend her 90s modelling career with their life. They laud her bone structure, her waifish figure. An irresistible, undeniable face. 

It seems silly to praise someone for the shape of their head and the way their skin fits over it... it’s not a talent, is it? Maybe it is! There is no shortage of hot girls in the world - but there may be a shortage of girls with preternatural charismatic beauty. Lila Moss (left above) is attractive - she even looks quite a bit like her mum. Perhaps in the pic above she even looks hotter than her mum (right above). But Kate Moss is more interesting: less perfect - half her eyebrow is missing, she’s less manicured. She exudes some kind of darkness, newness. Lottie Moss, Kate’s younger half-sister, is a similar story. Obviously attractive, obviously interested in modelling - but she’s lacking something. 

Bella Hadid came from a similar-ish background to Lila Moss (Bravoleb parents, frequent appearances on Real Housewives of Beverley Hills in her teen years, groomed by her ex-model mother) but Bella Hadid has it. She may have risen through the ranks due to nepotism and cosmetic surgery but she is someone people want to look at. She is sought after - not foisted upon us. Again, it’s not because she’s the hottest woman on the planet. She is gorgeous, but on top of that, there’s something beguiling about the angles of her face.

What’s this thing that clicks in your head telling you that Kate Moss’s face is more interesting than her daughter’s? It’s an intrusive thought: her skull shape is pleasing, let your eyes linger. A command: you will not forget that face. 

Iman has it. Look at her. On meeting Iman, Bowie said: "I was naming the children the night we met... it was absolutely immediate." How many beautiful women had Bowie met in his life? How many had this effect?

Can you imagine trying to keep David Bowie or Bob Dylan interested in what you’re saying? Or Madonna? Or Michael Jordan? Most of us do not have a single thought in our head which would be of interest to these people. The models I listed earlier transfixed them. Mick Jagger could have romanced every woman on the planet - but he only wanted Jerry Hall (pls disregard affairs so I can make my point). 

When a model hooks up with an artistic genius, it’s illogical to assume she’s vapid or that the icon is with her for shallow reasons. What we should assume is that she is the most interesting woman that icon has crossed paths with in a long time - which would make her very interesting indeed.

[thelemmallama]

I guess my contention with one of your arguments is that

I generally think it is ok to restrict other peoples ability to act if they otherwise would harm someone unjustly (In this case the person lying)

I don’t think it would be sexual assault to say you fantasize about that, especially in response to that question.

I don’t see how evil/lesser evil situations imply someone acted wrongly in the past. I guess the idea in this particular case is that they brought about a situation in which they would have to lie to protect themselves but (1. I just don’t feel that an action which you have to conceal is necessarily wrong, see homosexuality, (2. You couldn’t in this case reasonably predict you would have to explicitly deny those fantasies, instead of just never mentioning them.

i don’t quite understand the other arguments, though, and to be honest I’m not sure moral arguments have much effect on my behavior if they don’t emotionally appeal to me, or that morality is even a coherent concept. Anyway, sorry for rambling.

No need for apologies; I have nothing against rambling, and do it quite a bit myself! :]

First off, as you said you don't quite understand the other arguments so I'm not sure if you may have missed this part, I feel the need to clarify that sexual arousal =/= pleasure. When I talk about "fantasizing", I explicitly mean "deliberate (i.e. non-intrusive, controllable) sexual thoughts that you enjoy (i.e. experience positively, not mere 'get aroused by').

I'm not entirely sure what scenario you're referring to here; who is the person doing the restricting and who is the person who would otherwise harm someone unjustly? Is the lying person the former or the latter, and what are they lying about?

2. Okay, we'll first consider a scenario where you're not disclosing it in response to that question:

Would you say it's sexual harassment to go up to an adult and say "I think about having sex with you" or "I jerk off to the thought of your naked body"?

Okay, but what if they did ask "do you fantasize sexually about me?" I would agree that isn't harassment. Still, they're an adult.

Now, if a child asks "do you fantasize sexually about me?", I would consider it sexual abuse to answer in the positive, for the same reason it would be abuse to have sex with a child who approaches you for it.

Okay, but this is about a particular child, not children in general. If someone (esp. an adult) asks you if you fantasize about children in general, why would it be abusive to answer in the positive?

Let's go back to an adult case. Many people have reported that it feels violating to hear people fetishizing their race, or their disability. The person doing the fetishizing isn't talking about them in particular, but it still feels violating. Of course, an adult can consent to hearing people talk about their race/disability fetishes, so I would not consider it abusive to do so in a private space where everyone consents to hearing that stuff.

Similarly, I don't consider it abusive to answer the question "do you fantasize about children" in the positive, in a private space where everyone consents to hearing that stuff. However, if we read the situation I illustrated as a child asking "do you fantasize about children", or an adult asking "do you fantasize about children" in a public space where nonconsenting parties can see/hear your answer, I consider it abusive to answer in the positive.

(I'd be curious about exactly which point(s) of that argument you fall off from. Did you disagree from the very beginning? From the difference between children vs adults wrt consenting to hearing things? From the step from fantasizing about a particular person to fantasizing about a particular group?)

3. Just for a moment, assume my claim in (2) that it would be abusive to answer in the positive (*when children/nonconsenting parties can see/hear your answer; in future every time I say "it would be abusive to answer in the positive", just imagine this asterisk next to it ^^;) is correct. (You don't have to actually agree with it, but the rest of (3) wouldn't make much sense without assuming that premise.)

Then the idea in this particular case is not that they brought about a situation in which they would have to lie to protect themselves, but to protect others.

Thus (1) is not a valid comparison; disclosing your homosexuality is not harmful to others. It may be harmful to you, but there exists a scenario where disclosing it wouldn't be harmful to you either (i.e. when society is accepting). Hence the initial evil would be society being unaccepting; it can't be your gay thoughts because having gay thoughts doesn't inherently lead to a situation where you either lie or cause harm to yourself

Whereas fantasizing sexually about children does inherently lead to a situation where you either lie or cause harm to the child.

... Well, technically not. As you have observed, there does exist a world where you fantasizing sexually about children does not lead to a situation where you either lie or cause harm to the child: if no-one asks.

(2) Then the initial evil could either be you fantasizing about children, or it could be the person asking you if you fantasize about children.

I claim the former is the initial evil, because

- I reject paraphilia theory (that desire-for-children(/animals/etc) is an innate, biologically-rooted, unchangeable inclination to not only be sexually aroused by children(etc), but to regard that arousal with positive valence)

- I like a world where we're free to ask questions

______________________

to be honest I’m not sure moral arguments have much effect on my behavior if they don’t emotionally appeal to me, or that morality is even a coherent concept.

Here's how I define morality:

"You ought value X" = "You will value X as you think about it infinitely"

In math jargon, it's the limit of your values as time approaches infinity. Now no-one has confirmed there's exactly one universal attractor in the space of values so we can't say for sure right now, but most random systems have one.

On a more practical level, there are game-theoretic strategies that emerge when agents exist in the world with one another. What we call good or bad ways to behave is far from arbitrary, or an artefact of culture, or anything like that:

If you're not a fan of moral arguments though, I'm kind of curious as to why you've been talking about harm, assault, wrongness etc in your ask to being with? ^^;

[tinydragonstories]

Heat vs Steele Pt 3

Masterpost

Logan doesn’t see the other prince until later in the morning when he’s found marveling over the extensive library that Logan’s ancestors had built years before he was even conceived. 

“Your father said I might find you here, Logan. I wasn’t expecting it to be the other way around” The tanned boy sends a bright smile over to him, which Logan promptly ignores. Instead, he goes over to a shelf to examine the books for a suitable title. 

Roman pouts at the lack of reaction and comes up behind him, leaning over his shoulder a bit to peek at the book’s title. Logan turns and jumps back against the shelf in surprise, eyes wide and locked on Roman, his book clutched to his chest. 

“Sorry! Sorry, I was just curious about what you chose!” Roman puts his hands up and backs off. Strange… 

Logan merely retreats to the couch and sits down, opening his book to start reading. He can hear Roman sit next to him and try engaging him in conversation numerous times, but his only response are one word or quick answers. He manages to get to the rising action before Roman stops talking altogether. It isn’t long until a sly hand slides up his chest to his chin and gently  tilts his head to face endearing, brown eyes, Roman’s free hand sneaking a bookmark in and snatching his book. 

“Roman, I would appreciate if you gave that back.” 

“But then I wouldn’t have these lovely star-filled galaxies looking at me,” Logan feels his heart skip a beat, but hides any indication. 

“Won’t you forgive the intrusion this morning? I’m only here to make you happy!” Roman smiles softly and Logan finds himself wanting to freeze time for a moment longer before he remembered what he was supposed to be doing.

“Mi amour, you’ve entranced my heart with your whole being. Tell me, what can I do to prove myself worthy of your affections?” Roman leans closer to him, barely taking Logan’s hand as the one on his chin moves to his cheek. 

“You can leave me alone!” Logan shoves him off and flees to his room, scratching at the itch on his covered arms. Servants dodge out of his way when they see his expression and the guards don’t try to stop him, despite their orders to keep the two together. He locks the door behind him and shouts for Virgil as he rips his shirt off as fast as he could, scratching at the scales growing on his shoulders and back. He’s soon relieved by a cold, wet cloth gently rubbing at them and he lowers his arms.

“Something got you riled up. Was it that prince? I bet it was.” He can practically hear the grin Virgil was surely portraying as he rolls his eyes.

“He attempted to kiss me.” 

“Already? He should know that courting law states that PDA is forbidden.”

“We were alone, Virgil. In the library.” 

“Oo! He’s got taste!” “Sir Virgil!” Logan tries to twist and look at him but the cloth pressing against his neck prevents any harsh words. 

“I knighted you, and I can take it back!” he shivers, despite his words as the cloth trails down his back.

“But you won’t~” Virgil sing-songs and rubs at the newer scales,” you’ve mentioned that you don’t want anyone else hearing about your ailment and it definitely helps that I was there when it was inflicted, so just relax and let me help you.” 

Logan grumbles but allows Virgil to continue rubbing his dead skin off of his -no, the- scales so it was less uncomfortable on the prince. He sighs in relief and Virgil chuckles,” do you want me to redo your chest and upper arms?”

“If you don’t mind. I believe some dust might have gotten under one and it’s quite noticeable.”

“Yeah, okay, Dictionary. I gotcha.” Logan rolls his eyes at Virgil’s nickname and turns around so he can work on Logan’s chest. They sit in silence as Virgil works, watching pieces of dead skin fall off the deep blue scales. 

“Look, Lo, I know you aren’t having the best of times dealing with this, but at least they’re a pretty color, right?”

“Yes, they’re aesthetically pleasing, I suppose.” He sighs and looks away towards the window. He could see the forest spread out over his father’s land, past the rolling hills of farmland and pastures. The sun was high above the treeline, causing the deep green to brighten in the light. Shadows fled from the light of day and Logan finds himself understanding the tactical retreat.

‘Opposites, such a strange concept’, thought Logan,’ one can’t exist without the other, yet they’re constantly at ends with the other. What makes them opposites? What dictated that light and darkness could not coexist? Why must one always be smaller than the other? Candles and shadows, so different yet so similar at the same time.’

He looks out at the light and imagines what it must be like for the shadows suddenly pinned to objects and people. He imagines what his own shadow thinks, the dismay it must feel when the sun peeks over the horizon and it must return to his side to survive the day.  Does the light feel the same? Was it leashed to candles and torches during the night? Clinging to humanity for dear life as without the fire, it would die? He felt his mind start itching for answers that he would never receive. 

“Lo, you’re doing the thing again. Kinda weird dude.” Logan blinks and suddenly he’s back in his room, back with Virgil, and back in that insufferable situation with Roman. 

“You alright?”

“Yes, Virgil, I am adequate. Would you retrieve the corset from the wardrobe?” Logan pulls his shirt back on and buttons it up. 

“You’re going to dress up?!”

“I’m going to attempt to divert his affections. If it does not work, I will be mildly uncomfortable at worst. If it does, he will leave by tomorrow morning.” The prince watches as his personal guard comes back and starts tying the laces with expert fingers

“Alright, Lo. I trust you.” Logan’s breath is stolen as the corset suddenly tightens around his stomach,” though I fail to see how thinning your waist is going to remedy the problem.”

What if it only made Roman try harder? 

Logan’s silent for a moment,” I’m not sure. All I know is that he touched my waist when we were alone and I did not enjoy his burning touch.”

“Logan, he’s human, not a fire elemental.”

“I know, Virgil. It doesn’t make sense for his touch to have been that warm nor for my skin to tingle after I retreated-“

“Ran away.”

“Retreated. It was a tactical retreat.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Lover Boy. Get out there and annoy that pesky prince,” Virgil chuckles and steps back to allow Logan to move once more. 

“I assure you, Virgil, I have no interest-“ the guard interrupts him by shoving him out of the room and locking the door behind them.

“It doesn’t matter if you do or not. He clearly holds something for you and I’m going to make sure his pretty little fingers stay off of my crown prince.”

“Logan, my darling!”

Both males groan inwardly and look at each other at the sound of the foreign prince. 

“I have aquired flowers to apologize for my actions in the library. I hope you accept these as a token of my affections and deepest apologies.” Bluebells were lifted above Roman’s head as the prince kneels at Logan’s feet,” I noticed you seem to like blue, so I went to find the bluest flowers I could pick for you!”

“Roman, -Virgil stop growling at him- I accept your apology, however I ask that you give these to maidens in the town as I am mildly allergic to their pollen.” Logan gently pushes down the flowers and watches Roman lift his head, locking eyes with him. 

The prince grins and nods eagerly,” of course! I will return to your side as quickly as I can, mi amour!” 

Logan nods,” then you are free to go.”

Roman races off with the flowers, practically skipping, and Logan chuckles in light amusement. 

“You never told me you were allergic to bluebells.” Virgil looks up at him suspiciously and Logan shrugs. 

“I must have developed it rather recently then.”

Virgil laughs and shakes his head,” if you wanted him gone, you could’ve just said so. No need to get his hopes up with this.”

“Now, I never said that I wanted him to leave quite yet. I’m rather starting to enjoy this game of chess he’s started. He’s not entirely bad at it either, quite the opponent.” 

“Logan, was that your way of saying you’re interested?” Virgil stifles a chuckle as the prince sputters in indignation. 

“Absolutely not! What ever gave you that idea?!” 

“Okay, Logan, calm down. I was just teasing! Let’s go see your father, I believe he’s looking for you.”

Logan’s fire calms down and he leads Virgil away to the throne room, his guard jabbing at the metaphorical buttons that he knew Logan would react to. The guards allowed them through the doors and Logan kneels at the King’s feet,” yes, father, what did you need me for?”

“Logan, I can see that this is taking much too long. Tell me, how much do you know about Prince Roman?” 

Logan narrows his eyes suspiciously,” not much, admittedly, except that he’s a major flirt.” 

‘And a massive thorn in my side’

“Ah, so I was correct. We will need to speed this courting up so I will be hosting a kingdom-wide ball for you two. The nobles and fellow royalty will be attending so you’ll be attending to their children.” 

“Must I, father? You know how I hate their ideas of small talk.” 

“Yes, Logan, and you will be wearing the suit that the tailor makes. I’m thinking red on white with a black embellishment.” He looks Logan over and holds his hand up to silence his protests,” I’ve been lenient enough with you, this ball is a chance for you to build relations with the other kingdoms despite your current hold over them all. Yes, they currently owe Elmaria a debt from the winter, but that could change with a flip of Fate’s coin. Your best bet is to build strong relations with other countries so you have aid if the kingdom needs it.” No 

“I understand, but as you know, I am inadequate when it comes to social situations. I am severely behind the others when it comes to the social aspect of ruling.” Logan stands and brushes himself off. 

“That’s why I allowed Roman to court you. For where you are weak, he is strong. He is incredible at social events and loves the spotlight whereas you tend to be more of a background, technical character. The matchup is perfect!” 

“Father, he is also quite annoying. He has not left my side since last night and is most likely waiting outside this room for me.” 

“So you feel because of him?” The king smirks and Logan quickly corrects himself.

“I never said that. He merely makes it difficult to accomplish my allotted duties and I don’t appreciate it.”

“Alright, whatever you say, son. You’re dismissed.” 

Logan bows once more and walks back before leaving the room, the oaken doors closing behind him. The king smiles softly and shakes his head,” that boy…”

Logan sighs softly once the doors shut behind him and looks up at the prince standing there waiting for him,” Roman, I see you’ve returned.”

“I could not keep myself from your side for much longer, my dear. Come, allow me to make up for the loss of time.” He takes Logan’s hand and barely manages to press a kiss to the back of it before it’s ripped from his grasp. Logan holds it behind his back and sighs through his nose,” I suppose we should make it seem like we tolerate each other’s presence. Where would you like to go? We have the gardens, the castle, the forest, plains, and-”

“Mi amour, I only wish to stay by your side.” Roman smiles tenderly at him and Logan rolls his eyes.

”Alright, I get it,” Roman chuckles,” how about we go horseback riding in the forest? Perhaps we will stumble upon an adventure and fall in love along the journey!” 

“The likelihood of that occurring is too low to consider, but fine. We will go horseback riding and plan something else for this afternoon.” Logan walks with Roman back to the guest’s suite and bids him farewell for the moment before returning to his chambers. 

“How’d it go with princey?” 

Logan jumps at the voice behind him before relaxing,” Virgil, why do you insist on scaring me every time I enter this room? Anyway, it went alright. He apologized and insisted we go horseback riding in the forest. You-” 

“Will be coming along,” Virgil gives him a look of respected hostility and Logan chuckles a breathy laugh.

“Of course, I would not be able to attend without you at my side.” He stands still as Virgil unties the ribbons and removes his corset to allow Logan to breathe. His servant rushes around to gather his riding clothes as Logan undresses himself and lays out his previous outfit on the bed. Virgil returns to his side and helps dress the prince for his ride in a white tunic, tan riding pants, a blue vest and a generic brown cloak. Logan sits and starts tying his boots as Virgil switches his own outfit out for a dark aesthetic and a black mask that covers his lower face. 

“Virgil, I don’t really think this is necessary. You’ll overheat and we’ll have to return early.” 

The guard thinks for a moment and takes off his dark coat. 

“I assume that’s the best answer I’ll receive. Come, let’s collect Roman.” Logan leads Virgil out the door and down the hall a bit to the guest suites where Roman was waiting for them outside his room with Patton by his side. They exchange cordial greetings and Roman kisses Logan’s hand again before the (barely) taller of the two leads them all to the stables, his answers to Roman’s prodding statements quick and to the point. 

“My dear, where are we going?” 

“Simply down a path my family enjoys taking when we need a moment to think. It’s nothing special, really. Why do you ask?” 

“I was wondering if it was necessary for our servants to come along. I was originally going to have Patton remain behind but asked him to come along when I saw yours coming.” Logan notices his eyes flick nervously to Virgil, who’s listening to Patton, but clearly keeping an eye on the two royals. 

“Virgil’s presence is always required when I leave the castle, however Patton’s is not if you wish to allow him to remain behind.” 

Roman looks back at the servant and quietly asks what he’d like to do. Virgil and Roman switch places unintentionally and the guard looks up at his charge,” what’s our pathing for this ride?” 

“Just a quick trot down the normal path -you should know it well enough by now- and we’ll turn around before we reach the old castle. The first one that the royal family built after staking their claim on the land.”��

Virgil nods and is silent for a moment,” you aren’t afraid he’ll find, you know, your place?” 

“Virgil, how likely is it that you’re going to allow us anywhere near those old ruins? We’ll be perfectly safe and he won’t see anything of importance. Besides, it's in the tower and he’ll clearly see that it’s unsafe to proceed across the drawbridge.” 

“Drawbridge? My love, are we going to see your country’s first castle?!” Roman beams and looks at Logan with hopeful, bright eyes. 

“Yes, you know of it?” He looks over at the other in curiosity,” I was not aware others knew of it.” 

“Of course I know of it! I studied your country’s history so I could have something to discuss with you if we needed a topic. Besides, it’s such a rich, passionate history, it was more like reading a fairytale! The castle was known as the world’s most impenetrable fortress as every attack was absorbed and returned tenfold by the ballistas and archers hidden behind the trapdoors that protected them from any incoming fire. The moat used to be filled with seawater and your ancestors made a pact with the merpeople that allowed them to swim in the moat to defend against any foot soldiers in exchange for land materials they wouldn’t otherwise be able to access. It’s said that one day the child of the Lightheart family will return and bring forth a power hidden inside its walls so powerful, it can raze an entire country!” 

Logan and Virgil share a worried glance before turning their attention back to Roman,” I see you’ve done your research. Yes, we are visiting that very castle, however we will not be able to cross the moat. The drawbridge is raised and it isn’t safe to cross the waters after the merpeople went back to the sea.” 

“I see, then we must at least explore the surrounding land! Perhaps there are secret passageways leading to the interior that were never discovered!” Roman tugs Logan along down the hall faster and their servants had to run to keep up. 

Logan’s hand went to his circlet to ensure it remained where it was and trips over his own feet trying to keep up with the enthusiastic prince. They slow down once they reach the stables and a stable hand brings the two horses out to the princes while another brings two others for Virgil and Patton. Logan’s was black and had a crescent moon between her eyes while Roman’s was pure white. Virgil’s dapple grey mare nips at Patton’s creme steed. Each rider takes the reins of their mount and swings up into the saddle. Roman practically bouncing in the saddle at the prospect of their destination. Logan ensures everyone is situated before clicking his tongue and riding out the gates with his small group behind him.

[celestialselfdiscovery]

hey! great blog, its really inspiring and just awesome. might u have any tips on how to make a new reality posible in which u dont focus on what puts u down anymore an share them if u do?

You have a very good question and I appreciate you asking; the answer is incredibly simple. More simple than people realize.... but today with this answer- that will all change. Suppose your goal is to create a new reality, but you also do not want to focus attention on what’s negative- that is a great intention, and the answer to your question is within your question!! Every human being has what they call “a subconscious mind” - more and more evidence is coming out from quantum physicists (scientific research/studies) that proves that since everything in the world is made out of energy particles, and energy particles are easily manipulated. Matter/solid objects are also made out of energy particles. Like water for example, water can be solid like ice, or invisible/see through/untouchable like vapor, energy comes in many forms. Thoughts and emotions are forms of energy too. How does this tie into the subconscious mind you may ask? The subconscious mind is a data bank that collects/records/recorded everything that you have ever been exposed to in your life ever since you’re born, everything you see with your eyes, everything you hear with your ears, everything you think about, everything you feel emotionally, everything you say out of your mouth, everything you aren’t paying attention to but you’re exposed to, the music lyrics you’re listening to, the things you read on the news or stories, every single bit of information from your environment is being absorbed into your subconscious as a form of HYPNOSIS, meaning EVERYTHING in life is a subliminal download to program your subconscious mind. Why does this matter? Because everything you are living out/experiencing RIGHT NOW- IS THE MANIFESTATION/creation of data/info that’s been downloaded into your subconscious mind.  The future (every second that occurs is the future) is created based on what’s being absorbed through your subconscious. Do you know what that means? It means that YOU have ALL the power and control to decide on what YOU want to create in YOUR experience/reality/life/future by YOU deciding on what YOU want to focus your attention on. It’s really that simple, if something doesn’t make you feel good- your intuition is screaming “don’t give attention to that!! stop it!! focus on what makes you happy!!” - when you are feeling good, I call THAT “following your intuition”. Feeling bad=not following your intuition. If something makes you feel bad, there is NO reason to give ANY attention to things that make you feel that way. STOP feeding that energy, the more you feed into that negative energy- THE MORE YOU ARE CREATING IT INTO YOUR REALITY. In a book by Abraham Hicks I’ve read this sentence stood out to me “Worrying is using your imagination to create what you DON’T want.”  You know the best part? Your subconscious mind CANNOT tell from what is called a “truth” or a “lie”. It’s ONLY purpose is to RECORD->CREATE->RECORD->CREATE(repeat). You do NOT need to feed your subconscious mind with “Truths” that DO NOT make you feel good. If you wanted a puppy, and saying “I don’t have a puppy” just because it’s true even thought it doesn’t make you feel good- you are programming your subconscious mind to create MORE situations in your life where you STILL don’t have a puppy. If you practice saying to yourself, thinking about, imagining how good it feels “I have a puppy” (even if it’s what people would call a “lie” ) - the subconscious mind downloads THAT information, energy particles that you’re emitting from those thoughts and emotions are manipulating energy in the universe (like wifi internet or tv particles for the tv to have something projected or the radio to hear music) to create a circumstance for you where you have manifested a puppy into your life!! Don’t say stuff like “I need a chair” when you want a chair either, because by saying “I need” it’s implying that you STILL “NEED” that (I used chair as an example but you can use money, or love, or a job, etc in the example to get the point). The subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between you joking either, so never joke to yourself by saying “haha I’m so dumb” because you will unintentionally stummon situations in your life where you’re going to feel exactly that way- “dumb”.     All of this really means is the best tip is that you should do your best to pay attention to 1) what makes you feel good vs what doesn’t. Then ONLY do what makes YOU feel good. 2) Pay attention to what you allow your subconscious mind to get exposed to, if you’re listening to a song and it has negative lyrics about negative circumstances- you’re literally hypnotizing your subconscious mind by listening to those lyrics to create negative situations/feelings. Even if the song is a Bop, if the lyrics are shitty, then it’s a song to drop. Reading negative news ONLY PERPETUATES MORE NEGATIVITY INTO THE UNIVERSE BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE PROGRAMMING THEIR MINDS WITH THE NEGATIVE INFORMATION , FEELING NEGATIVE ABOUT IT, AND HUMANS ARE BEING USED (I know this will come off as conspiracy, but governments/positions of corrupt power KNOW this for centuries) Humans are being USED to create/perpetuate more negativity and destruction in the world. (side note, please get your news from https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org ) 3) Once you are more aware of your own thoughts, your own feelings, and you’re taking action steps to program your OWN subconscious by speaking/saying/talking about things that you love, by reading things that you love and make you feel good, by looking at pictures of things that you love and make you feel good, anything where you are using your thoughts, ears, eyes, voice to program positive things into your subconscious mind is a form of SELF HYPNOSIS because you are programming your subconscious mind like a computer, by you making sure you download information that ONLY MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD-  through repetition, your subconscious will eventually use your NEW POSITIVE PROGRAMS to override OLD UNFILTERED previously downloaded information from when you used to live in what I call “auto pilot mode” and THIS is the REAL way to use “Law of Attraction”. “Law of Attraction” is just a froofroo la di da word that symbolizes what is NATURALLY SCIENTIFICALLY IN NATURE OCCURRING SINCE THE BEGINNING OF HUMANITY. 4) Because you’re aware of your thoughts, program your own subconscious and you only follow what makes you feel good, if you begin to notice for some reason “negative thoughts would randomly pop up” and you recognize that it can’t possibly be your own thoughts because you have set the intention to only think about positive things- then you must know that those negative thoughts are NOT your own but energetic interference from energetic (low vibration) beings that feed off of negative human energy, these beings exist among humans in their own dimension that (for now) is invisible to the human eye, some people call them demons/ghosts, but what they really are is one of the races of multidimensional aliens. (there are high vibration aliens and there are low vibration ones that work with corrupt positions of powers such as governments) If you’ve ever seen the show “adventures with Rick and Morty” and have seen their portal gun- life is something similar to that. (There are multiple dimensions and multiple timelines and multiple dimensions of each timeline etc) Life is surely stranger than fiction for sure.... Anyway!! These nasty ass low vibe aliens feed off of negative energy (like in the movie Monsters Inc, the monsters use kids screams (the kids fear) as electricity for their world. But to discover that higher vibration laughs are a lot more powerful (very symbolic undertone in the movie)) That’s why I brought up the conspiracy about how humans are intentionally being used to create more negativity because these low life filth demons feed off of the negativity.  These negative beings are capable of using telepathy to attempt to program your subconscious mind by telepathically planting negative thought formations into your mind (some people call these, intrusive thoughts, in worst cases, this manifests as schizophrenia ) Depression is a great example of possession/or a low vibe alien/demon attached to a human host utilizing the human as a battery pack by continuing to feed negative thoughts to the human host, the human host accepts these thought forms as their own, thus programming their subconscious to create more things to be negative about in their life. (I used to struggle with depression/suicidal thoughts for years until someone else told me about the existence of these alien beings and how the subconscious mind works and I INTENTIONALLY focused on making sure I destroyed/eliminated negative thoughts as soon as they would try to enter my mind and I would IMMEDIATELY replace the negative thought with positive thoughts to “exorcise” the entity.) If the negative entity cannot control you, and you do not emit negative emotions/energy, then the negative energy literally cannot feed off you!! However, if you’re around other people and they don’t control themselves like you do- they have the potential to have entities already feeding off them to attempt to poke your buttons/provoke you back into negativity in order to jump from one human host to another (you). Don’t let those dirty bastards distract you from creating your lovely new reality of positive possibilities!! Love you!!

[morinokunikara]

Honestly i would love advice if you have any ;w;

uuuhhh gonna be real a lot of this stuff is stuff i only recently learned!! which. wow bc i’ve been writing for 12-13 years but i spent most that time fucking around refusing to learn. obviously different things work for different people but this is what i do!! i’ll put it under a read more just in case. i can shorten this up if need be. also it’s not organized at all bc i’m just throwing things out there lakdjflskdjf

OUTLINES ARE YOUR FRIEND i was so hesitant to do them at first, but once i started i noticed a HUGE spike in my skill. there’s lots of ways to do outlines, i usually just list out what i want to happen. they can be as detailed or as vague as you like!! i usually have a mix of super super detailed and “uuuhhhh this might happen idfk,” usually it’s somewhat in the middle tho.

an example of outline vs finalized project from my fic Cooking Date for a Healthier Goro! 

outline:

Yuuki shows Goro how to cut vegetables, and then gives him a turn to try

As soon as he holds the knife Goro starts having really bad intrusive thoughts

He starts to panic 

Yuuki takes the knife away

Goro apologizes and explains his situation 

final product:

“We’ll start with the onion. I’ll cut one half, and I want you to watch me so you can cut the other half, okay?” Yuuki cut the onion in half, and then chopped it slowly to show Goro the motions. “Think you can do that yourself?”

His mind was protesting, but Goro refused to let that get in the way of him doing what Yuuki seemed to want him to do so badly. He took the knife and once again, his hands began to shake. His mind overwhelmed him. Hurt someone. Hurt him, hurt yourself, someone. Do it already. Stab him. Hurt him. 

Goro began to feel his heart race, his breath get short, and his head spin. He wanted to tell his mind to shut up. He wanted to scream and throw things and cry. He didn’t want to hurt Yuuki or himself. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. He just wanted to do what would make Yuuki happy! Why did his mind have to be like this?! 

It was one thing holding his weapons in the metaverse. He had a goal of hurting someone. If he got thoughts of hurting someone, it was easy to just take that out on a shadow. Cutting an onion just wasn’t the same as slashing away at monsters. Nothing could stop these thoughts but acting on them, which was the last thing he wanted to do. He wanted this to stop he wanted out he wanted to shut up he wanted-

“Goro!” Yuuki’s worried voice pulled Goro out of his fit. “Goro, sweetie, hey. You alright?” Goro felt Yuuki slowly rubbing his back, and the action steadily relaxed him.  

“S...sorry... I don’t think I can do uh... knife... stuff...” Goro put the knife down and hugged Yuuki. “I’m sorry... I don’t want to let you down... My mind just can’t handle this...”

PROOFREAD. HAVE A FRIEND PROOFREAD. HAVE ANOTHER FRIEND PROOFREAD. PROOFREAD AGAIN. DON’T BE SCARED TO ASK FOR HELP WITH THIS I WAS FOR SO SO LONG AND YOU CAN TELL THAT MY WORK IS MORE POLISHED NOW. 

read!!! read read read!!! both fics and novels and whatever you can get your hands on!! you can learn so much!!!

if you don’t already, rp!! along with reading, rp can give you great ideas! a lot of my akechi characterization (the knife thing included!!!) comes from rps w my feyfriend!!! 

read your writing out loud, especially dialogue. i’m guilty of forgetting this a lot, but it’s super important. a text to speech program also helps!! 

imagery can be hard as FUCK trust me i know. what helps me is just...fully engrossing myself in the scene. close your eyes, shut out the outside world, and think only about your environment. what do you see? hear? smell? if you need to, just toss out some basic words and work from there

if you have trouble focusing, try changing the font! i change my font a lot anyways because it helps me catch mistakes easier

and the big advice i can give is gonna sound SUPER hypocritical but 

HAVE FUN WRITING!!! DON’T MIND THE NUMBERS OR THE FANS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!! yeah like. it’s ok and normal to desire popularity and success, but DON’T let that define you!! write for yourself before anyone else and write thing things that make you happy and you’ll find people, even if it’s just a small circle 

i can try to come up with more if you’d like!! i’m kind of bad at putting my thoughts into words sometimes on top of being a lil buzzed rn so lsakjflskd