#rachael overshares on the internet

[poetry-protest-pornography]

(this is just a pity party, feel free to ignore)

One of the worst things about dysautonomia is that some days are good days, and you can forget you have it for a little bit, but then there's the inevitable Worse Than Usual Days that follow to balance out the bullshit body calculus .

And maybe worse than that are the days you can tackle your to-do list (and forget that it's so long because of all the days you can't), and then suddenly you get hit with A Symptom while doing something mundane and less taxing than all the to-do list things you were doing just fine with, and then you're on the floor. Or you need help with something simple, like putting on your boots, or taking off your socks.

And the reminders like that are always worse than the days where you can't do much of anything, because they catch you off guard in the middle of a Good Day, and makes the rest of the day a wash. It always sends me back to square one of the grieving process.

I don't have anything profound to say. I don't have a point. I just needed to whine a little instead of crying and having a tantrum that I absolutely lack the energy for but can feel hovering.

Take care of yourselves, lovelies.

[poetry-protest-pornography]

The bad sex awards always make me laugh, and also feel like my sexy bits are turning themselves inside out in revulsion/protest/an attempt to run away. Actually, my whole body feels like that; it's a full body revolt against what middle aged cishet white (mostly) men think is sexy.

That headline was a wild adventure from start to finish.

[realmofextremepossibility]

Tagged by @13starbuck42 Thanks!!!

Nicknames: Rach, Ritch Ratch

Gender: F

Sign: Aquarius

Height: 5'6”

Time: 8:33 pm EST

Birthday: February 1st

Favorite bands: Backstreet Boys and N’Sync (I’m a basic bitch and child of the 90s. Fight me.)

Solo artists: Taylor Swift, a variety of country artists since that’s mostly what I listen to

Song stuck in my head: Yours by Russell Dickerson

Last show I watched: The X-Files (surprise surprise)

When did I create this blog: August 2017 (though I’ve had my main tumblr for like five years now?)

What do I post: X-Files, MSR, Gillovny, pictures of the impossibly beautiful and ageless GA and DD, fanfic (both mine and reblogs of others), the occasional adorable animal or Bones gif because BB is very reminiscent of MSR and I love them almost as much

What did I last google: The word “anthropomorphic” to make sure I was spelling it right in a tag. Because I am anal like that. And because tumblr inexplicably removed the autocorrect feature when you’re typing tags on mobile

Other blogs: @searushtoshore is my main non-TXF blog

Do I get asks: Nope, hardly ever sadly. I wish I did. I love when people send me asks. Really. Do it. Please?

Why did I choose this URL: Because when I first watched the show last year, I loved that line from Arcadia. It’s still a favorite of mine. And I was failing miserably trying to think of a creative TXF url haha

Following: 943 (though this includes all of the blogs I follow and not just TXF ones)

Followers: 229

Average hours of sleep: 3-6

Lucky numbers: 7

Instrument: I dabbled in violin, piano, and drums as a child

What am I wearing: Grey leggings and an ancient striped henley I think once belonged to my little sister who outgrew it years ago 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dream job: Video editor. Not that I think that will ever happen. I’d settle for pretty much anything related to my degree at this point.

Favorite food: Crab

Last book I read: I’m almost finished the X-Files Season 10 comic book. Though the most recent one I finished was Shattered: Inside Hillary Clinton’s Doomed Campaign. I used to read much more before I had a smart phone and computer haha. I spend way too much time watching tv now. It’s sad.

3 favorite fandoms: The X-Files is my first foray into an actual “fandom”, though I have most definitely been obsessed with other television shows. Bones, Grey’s Anatomy, and Friends to name a select few

Tagging: @justbeachy81 and @emilysim if you haven’t already been. Though I feel like most people have?

[poetry-protest-pornography]

I'm considering doing something pretty extreme about a situation that has been ignored by the people who are supposed to fix it for almost a year.

I also stress chopped off several inches of hair yesterday, and am trying to determine if the two things are related.

[poetry-protest-pornography]

Today I found out that my cousin -- who is one of the kindest people I know -- who moved to Israel a few years ago with his family, has been posting racist, anti-Palestinian shit on social media, and I am genuinely devastated. I don't know how to reconcile the loving, funny, accepting man I know with the person sharing racist memes and calling other people "subhuman".

I am heartbroken and so, so angry.

[poetry-protest-pornography]

I have a pretty loud voice in my head that tells me pretty much daily that I'll never be anyone important, that I'm not worth anything more than trash, and I'll never amount to anything (thanks, dad!), which is why I try to hold onto these affirmations, and why I try to remind everyone else whenever I can.

Because those voices, and memories, and traumas are a lot to confront and overcome. But the thing is, they're also wrong. So, for when you need it, you are worth it. You are worthy of time and attention and affection. You are worth it.

Some days--a lot of days, I'm not going to pretend otherwise, it's Truthy Tuesday, that's not allowed--I don't buy it either, but then I remember that mental illness lies (and that my dad was a raging alcoholic in my formative years), and that if I was someone else, I would be saying much kinder things to myself. So then, I challenge all that self hating bullshit with the compassion that I would offer to someone else who came to me and said "I think I'm worthless", and I tell myself that I'm worth it until I believe it, even if it's just for long enough to get me out of the depression spiral of the moment.

I'm at a loss for words to tell you that I'm sorry for the way you were raised without sounding either trite, rude, or pretentious, but I am truly sorry that you feel those things so deeply still. I won't annoy you with affirmations (unless you want me to), but I will offer a sympathetic ear anytime you want to talk.

It may not mean much from a stranger on the internet, but I think you're pretty great.

the cure to self-sabotage is to anchor yourself to the universal truth that you are worth it. you are worth the effort. you are worth the difficulty, you are worth the time, you are worth the consideration. there is never a point in your life, in time itself, that you are not worth it. return to this truth when you feel yourself slipping. do not let it go.

[poetry-protest-pornography]

Nothing quite like being overwhelmed with the need to write a song about your dead father and how a lot of your still-complicated feelings are wrapped up in music and denial at 2 o'clock in the morning.

I love sobbing while brushing my teeth.

[poetry-protest-pornography]

Really sad today, please send things that make you happy, funny memes, fluffy things to read, etcetera

[poetry-protest-pornography]

There is a Big Drama happening in a volunteer group I'm in, and it is making me so angry, and so, so sad.

People I have trusted and respected have shown themselves to be abusive, manipulative liars, and people that I live and care about very much are caught in a place having to defend themselves from the people that have done the bad things, when they're just trying to leave quietly and advocate for themselves.

My heart hurts, and I feel helpless to do anything to fix it.

[poetry-protest-pornography]

My insurance company approved my new heart medication, so I might be able to like ... Sorta function soon.

Between this and a cardiologist that actually seems to care about my quality of life, things are decidedly more hopeful in Rachael-land.

[poetry-protest-pornography]

Today, my dad would've been 68.

Eleven years, and it still seems unreal some days. I'm grateful every day that we got to make our amends and heal a little before he died, but it's so deeply unfair that that never got to translate into more.

Happy birthday, dad.

[poetry-protest-pornography]

Over sharing, because anxiety time:

I'm currently in the ER, doing my best not to have an anxiety attack, waiting for a room so I can have a test to determine if I have something kind of scary wrong with me.

Please tell me good things that happened this week/send your favorite memes/etc

[poetry-protest-pornography]

Made a (n accurate) "straight people are like that" home in front of my MIL, and she got real mad, and now it's very uncomfortable.

Whoops?

[poetry-protest-pornography]

Supposed to be going to Boston on vacation to visit my sister in law-- our first time being more than 25 minutes away from home in 2 years; we really only planned to do like, two things: Quincy Market and the Aquarium, and then a day in Salem -- and we're finally hitting the road, and our power steering went out.

We already had to cancel visiting my family in other parts of Massachusetts, and a side trip to Howe Caverns, and now we might have to cancel the whole thing.

Some days, it feels like the universe is conspiring.

So now, I'm sitting in the car, K and I both trying to find a car shop that can take us right away to fix the belt, so we can get on the road, and hope it won't take the entirety of the money we set aside for the trip to fix the car.

[poetry-protest-pornography]

My oldest is 10 years old today.

For a lot of reasons, I get extra emotional on her birthday, but mostly I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that this incredible little girl is in my life.

Her humor, her random wisdom, and her curiosity are such a blessing, and I'll forever be grateful that she gave me a chance to be here for them.

[poetry-protest-pornography]

Going to my in-laws for the kiddo's birthday dinner w/them & she's not happy about it. (Me either, bc they were just on vacation & haven't been back 2 weeks yet, but that's a whole other thing).

Finally got her to say why after gently pushing for a couple days: FIL's random political jabs make her uncomfortable.

Shit.

This is going to be a super fun conversation with him...