#quinn has a sexuality crisis 2023

[thehollowwriter]

I've always said to myself that I'm the token straight person of my friend group.

Well, this along with being the token cis and neurotypical (insert "girl you're on tumblr" joke here) person since everyone else but me is queer

But I'm not sure about that anymore

I don't think I can say I'm straight because I have thought to myself "wow that girl is so pretty" and felt shy talking to her or "wow Malleus' mom is hot"

But

I have never had a crush on anyone. I've thought back to what I thought were crushes and honestly I think they were just me thinking "I like this boy so obviously it must be a crush" because all I knew at the time was the Evangelical Christian way of things. I always felt like, even then, that I was forcing myself to have a crush. I do that now from time to time but it barely lasts a few weeks.

I have never had proper romantic feelings and I have never dated anyone either. I have absolutely no interest in doing so. I've been asked by my family "aren't you interested in dating?" And the answer has always been a firm no.

Weirdly enough, I'm a hopeless romantic and I like imagining romantic scenarios. I like the idea of being held, having someone to wrap my arms around and my bury my face in their chest when I'm upset. Someone to cuddle with when it's cold.

But it's only those parts, really. I don't like the idea of kissing or that sort of thing. Imagining it kinda makes me go "eugh" but I'm not disgusted by it? It's just not too appealing. Then again, I've never kissed anyone.

I don't actually like being touched that much even though I'm happy to do the touching or imagining it.

When I have a really horrible time I like to imagine a character like Jade or Azul is there to hold me or comfort me, but I don't think it's strictly romantic?

When it comes to sex I have zero interest in it whatsoever. I can read smut and look at nsfw stuff and my brain and self will be like "Yeah that's hot" but thinking about doing it? Irl? With someone just makes me cringe or grosses me out.

It could very well be I feel this way because a boy at school harassed me and asked me to have sex with him and that "tainted" my feelings about these things but I've had this thought process before that

I go to a high school so naturally sex and romance is discussed a fair bit and I always feel out of sorts.

Friends or acauantinces will go "wow he's so hot" and yes he will be at the same time I don't... get it? Especially when it's more nsfw stuff because I'm left going "haha what" and I have a dear friend who has no filter at all and will tell me they've done nsfw stuff (no they do not go into detail) and I'll just get uncomfortable and be like "um yeah- what"

I know my discomfort definitely comes from being raised in a strict Christian household were sex before marriage is a horrific sin (I feel guilty even considering being queer) but also concern for my friend because they are underage and this is not something I personally think is healthy.

But even aside both those things I feel like I'm missing out on some huge sort of appeal. Like I missed a class or something.

I don't know existing is confusing

Sorry for the rant guys I just really felt like I needed to get this out