#quietly : i had in mind like a paragraph of buildup but as it turns out

[disloyalblade-blog]

                    ---  ❝  VOI  !  ❞  despite aggression clear in his stance  ---  there’s none reflected in his countenance  :  ❝  byakuran.  ❞  (  still loud,  but he’ll make a conscious effort to take it down a notch.  )  aggression leaks out of his limbs,  although he’s still ready.  a habit,  one born from a life of slaughter,  to allow the grin to spread wide.

                    ❝  you’re going up against vongola,  right  ?!  let me join.  ❞

@whiteorchid-whitedragon  !

[ceruleanvulpine]

asoue reread: les miserables (mills)

optometry! cross-dressing! hypnosis! me, in the background, speculating about the arc plot!

To Beatrice- My love flew like a butterfly Until death swooped down like a bat As the poet Emma Montana McElroy said: "That's the end of that."

The first time I reread this I looked up the source of that poem, and it turns out to be from a third-grader in an asoue-themed poetry contest. Ms. McElroy (presumably no relation) says that she “like[s] sad stories, because after reading them you can get happy again until you're ready to read one again”. Relatable, Emma. 

But this book begins with the sentence "The Baudelaire orphans looked out the grimy window of the train and gazed at the gloomy blackness of the Finite Forest, wondering if their lives would ever get any better," and you should be able to tell that the story that follows will be very different from the story of Gary or Emily or the family of cunning little chipmunks.

It doesn’t, Lemony, there are two full paragraphs before that sentence is said! 

And the only trophy they would win would be some sort of First Prize for Wretchedness.

Can someone draw the kids with a First Prize For Wretchedness Trophy, cool, thanks

I'm now the Vice President in Charge of Coins

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Mr. Poe took a piece of paper out of his pocket and squinted at it. "His name is Mr. Wuz- Mr. Qui- I can't pronounce it. It's very long and complicated."

"I have given Mr. Bek- Mr. Duy- I have given your new caretaker a complete description of Count Olaf," said Mr. Poe. "So if by some stretch of the imagination he shows up in Paltryville, Mr. Sho- Mr. Gek- will notify the authorities."

Lifehack: if you discover Sir’s true name, you can compel him to release you from your lumber compact. 

Alongside the sidewalk, where a row of trees might have been, were towering stacks of old newspapers instead.

(squints) Doesn’t the fact that VFD stores old newspapers in stacks on the Paltryville streets get mentioned in UA or somewhere? (Or was that a fanfic? >.>)

Other than a sign I saw once that said "Beware" in letters made of dead monkeys, the "Lucky Smells Lumbermill" sign was the most disgusting sign on earth

?????¿

It is much, much worse to receive bad news through the written word than by somebody simply telling you, and I'm sure you understand why. When somebody simply tells you bad news, you hear it once, and that's the end of it. But when bad news is written down, whether in a letter or a newspaper or on your arm in felt tip pen, each time you read it, you feel as if you are receiving the news again and again. For instance, I once loved a woman, who for various reasons could not marry me. If she had simply told me in person, I would have been very sad, of course, but eventually it might have passed. However, she chose instead to write a two-hundred-page book, explaining every single detail of the bad news at great length, and instead my sadness has been of impossible depth. When the book was first brought to me, by a flock of carrier pigeons, I stayed up all night reading it, and I read it still, over and over, and it is as if my darling Beatrice is bringing me bad news every day and every night of my life.

Lemony --

You know, I don’t think hearing it in person would have helped? 

Klaus frowned at the hand-drawn map that was attached to the note with another wad of gum, "This map looks pretty easy to read," he said. "The dormitory is straight ahead, between the storage shed and the lumbermill itself."

Violet looked straight ahead and saw a gray windowless building on the other side of the courtyard. "I don't want to live," she said, "between the storage shed and the lumbermill itself."

I love her...

I'm sure you have heard it said that appearance does not matter so much, and that it is what's on the inside that counts. This is, of course, utter nonsense, because if it were true then people who were good on the inside would never have to comb their hair or take a bath, and the whole world would smell even worse than it already does.

I’m not.. sure that follows.

"You must be Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire," the somebody said, and the children turned to see a very tall man with very short hair. He was wearing a bright blue vest and holding a peach. He smiled and walked toward them, but then frowned as he drew closer. "Why, you're covered in pieces of bark," he said. "I hope you haven't been hanging around the lumbermill. That can be very dangerous for small children."

Chaaaaaarles! 

He’s just as useless as every other adult in the damn series, but I have a soft spot for him anyway. Maybe because he’s Gay And Useless. 

"That doesn't matter," Charles replied. "When Sir has made up his mind, he has made up his mind. I know he sometimes is a little bit mean, but you'll have to excuse him. He had a very terrible childhood. Do you understand?"

Violet looked at the painting of the seashore, and thought once again of that dreadful day at the beach. "Yes," she sighed. "I understand. I think I'm having a very terrible childhood myself."

This is still such a good line.

But although all the workers looked tired, and sad, and hungry, none of them looked evil, or greedy, or had such awful manners.

):

and at that moment one of the children had a trick played on him which I hope has never been played on you. This trick involves sticking your foot out in front of a person who is walking, so the person trips and falls on the ground. A policeman did it to me once, when I was carrying a crystal ball belonging to a Gypsy fortune-teller who never forgave me for tumbling to the ground and shattering her ball into hundreds of pieces. It is a mean trick, and it is easy to do, and I'm sorry to say that Foreman Flacutono did it to Klaus right at this moment.

1. Was that Madame Lulu? 

2. The similar incident in ATWQ 3 still makes this funnier to me.

When they arrived at the dormitory, Violet and Sunny looked out the window to watch for him, and they were so anxious that it took them several minutes to realize that the window was not a real one, but one drawn on the blank wall with a ballpoint pen.

either they’re VERY anxious or this is some shockingly good ballpoint trompe l’oeil

"Klaus, we were so worried about you," Violet said, hugging her brother as he reached them. "You were gone for so long. Whatever happened to you?"

"I don't know," Klaus said, so quietly that his sisters had to lean forward to hear him. "I can't remember."

"You'd better get to bed, Klaus," Violet said. "Follow me."

 At last, Klaus spoke. "Yes, sir," he said, quietly.

Okay. People differ in their opinions on when this series Gets Horrifying. Monty’s death is upsetting, certainly, and Olaf trying to marry Violet is scary, and when he pushes Josephine off the boat it’s chilling...

But IMO hypnotized!Klaus is a sudden uptick in fear level. (At least, it’s the thing I very clearly remembered even after I hadn’t read the books in years.) He doesn’t take his shoes off before going to bed! And Violet does and then in the morning he gets up and goes off to work without putting them back on! That’s Horrifying(tm)

My chauffeur once told me that I would feel better in the morning, but when I woke up the two of us were still on a tiny island surrounded by man-eating crocodiles, and, as I'm sure you can understand, I didn't feel any better about it.

YOU OKAY, LEMONY?? 

Violet and Sunny sat down beside him, confused and frightened, and put their arms around their brother as though they were afraid he was floating away. They sat there like that, a heap of Baudelaires, until Foreman Flacutono clanged his pots together to signal the end of the break.

;-; ;-; ;-;

Then everyone had to blow on the stamp so it dried quickly.

That doesn’t seem efficient, but I don’t know what I expected from Sir. 

And I simply cannot describe the grotesque and unnerving sight—the words "grotesque" and "unnerving" here mean "twisted, tangled, stained, and gory"—of poor Phil's leg. It made Violet's and Sunny's stomachs turn to gaze upon it, but Phil looked up and gave them a weak smile.

Yikes!

"No, no," Phil said. "It's fine. I've never liked my left leg so much, anyway." "Not your leg, you overgrown midget," Foreman Flacutono said impatiently.

me: children

bald man: midgets

me: adults? 

bald man: overgrown midgets

...and at this point in the story of the Baudelaire orphans, I would like to interrupt for a moment and answer a question I'm sure you are asking yourself. It is an important question, one which many, many people have asked many, many times, in many, many places all over the world. The Baudelaire orphans have asked it, of course. Mr. Poe has asked it. I have asked it. My beloved Beatrice, before her untimely death, asked it, although she asked it too late. The question is: Where is Count Olaf?

That does seem like a pretty straightforward implication that, yep, it was Olaf. The books are not as subtle about this as tumblr user Istoki insinuated to me. :P

Dr. Orwell was a tall woman with blond hair pulled back from her head and fashioned into a tight, tight bun. She had big black boots on her feet, and was holding a long black cane with a shiny red jewel on the top.

Book Orwell was blonde? I had forgotten this.

Also jeez no wonder people think she’s hot. Boots! Boots.

"Have you ever encountered," Dr. Orwell said, "in your reading, the expression 'You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar'?"

Aw man I was mad at the netflix show for giving her Esm��’s line but it was her line all along! I was incorrect. 

The buildup to the payoff of that line is so good. Georgina is so much more competent than Olaf. 

"That wig and that lipstick don't fool us any more than your palebrown dress and sensible beige shoes. You're Count Olaf."

The word “palebrown” appears twice in this page and I am very perplexed. I also love... book Shirley: sensible receptionist’s outfit! Netflix Shirley: red red red red red re

Count Olaf shook his head. "But if you do something impolite to me" he said, "then I might do something impolite to you, like for instance tearing your hair out with my bare hands."

Zero to sudden threats of violence in two pages after his appearance: the Count Olaf MO!!!

"Possibly," Shirley said, crossing her legs and revealing long white stockings imprinted with the pattern of an eye.

#nice

"Don't be ab—" Violet said, but she stopped herself before she could say "surd." 

[...]

"Ab?" said a voice behind her. "What in the world does the word 'ab' mean?" 

Violet and Sunny turned around and saw Dr. Orwell leading Klaus into the waiting room. He was wearing another new pair of glasses and was looking confused. 

"Klaus!" Violet cried. "We were so worried ab—" She stopped herself before she could say "out" when she saw her brother's expression.

[...]

"There you go again, with 'ab,'" Dr. Orwell said. "Whatever in the world does it mean?" 

"'Ab' isn't a word, of course," Shirley said. "Only a stupid person would say a word like 'ab.'" 

"They are stupid, aren't they?" Dr. Orwell agreed, as though they were talking about the weather instead of insulting young children. "They must have very low self-esteem."

 "I couldn't agree more, Dr. Orwell," Shirley said.

"Call me Georgina," the horrible optometrist replied, winking. 

STOP BEING SO MEAN TO THESE CHILDREN.. Also “”Call me Georgina,” the horrible optometrist replied, winking,” is such an incredible sentence? I’m glad they’re exes in the show.

Violet tried to smile at Phil, but her smiling muscles just stayed put. She knew—or she thought she knew, anyway, because she was actually wrong—that the only thing in disguise was Count Olaf.

... Wait, what else is in disguise? ... Orwell’s sword-cane? 

"Hypnosis! Count Olaf! Fiti! I've had enough of your excuses!" he yelled.

Sir is terrible, but this is the second or third time he’s just accepted Sunny’s baby talk as comprehensible speech, which amuses me. Also Klaus isn’t at this meeting because he’s hypnotized and VIOLET THOUGHT HE MIGHT MURDER SIR

"They are being treated like members of the family," Sir said. "Many of my cousins live there in the dormitory. I refuse to argue with you, Charles! You're my partner! Your job is to iron my shirts and cook my omelettes, not boss me around!"

"You're right, of course," Charles said softly. "I'm sorry."

Sorry Charles(tm). your inability to stand up to sir doesn’t excuse letting the children be neglected but i do still feel bad for you

Violet and Sunny sighed, and thought of their poor hypnotized brother. Klaus seemed so different from the brother they knew that it was almost as if Count Olaf had already succeeded with his dastardly scheme, and destroyed one of the Baudelaire orphans.

):

His eyes were usually all squinty from reading, and now they were wide as if he had been watching TV instead.

>:T

1. Introduction 1 2. Basic Ophthalmology 105 3. Nearsightedness and Farsightedness 279 4. Blindness 311 5. Itchy Eyelashes 398 6. Damaged Pupils 501 7. Blinking Problems 612 8. Winking Problems 650 9. Surgical Practices 783 10. Glasses, Monocles, and Contact Lenses 857 

11. Sunglasses 926 12. Hypnosis and Mind Control 927 13. Which Eye Color Is the Best One? 1,000

I’m still losing my mind about this table of contents from Dr. Orwell’s book. Which eye color *is* the best one, anyway? How big of a problem are itchy eyelashes? Why is there only one page on sunglasses? 

AND ARE THERE ANY BOOKS IN THIS UNIVERSE WITH A NUMBER OF CHAPTERS OTHER THAN THIRTEEN

"We just stopped by to make sure everything went well," Dr. Orwell said, gesturing to the saw with her black cane. "And I'm certainly glad we did. Lucky!" she shouted to Klaus. "Do not listen to your sisters!"

This moment in the book: p good. This moment in the show: made me fall in love with Dr. Orwell a little. She’s just so satisfied with her own cleverness! 

"Oh no you can't!" Klaus cried, and stepped forward to push Charles out of the way.

"Oh yes we can!" Foreman Flacutono said, and stuck his foot out again. You would think that such a trick would only work a maximum of two times, but in this case you would be wrong, and in this case Klaus fell to the floor again, his head clanging against the pile of debarkers and tiny green boxes.

YOU WOULD THINK THAT SUCH A TRICK WOULD ONLY WORK A MAXIMUM OF TWO TIMES

There are also, like, six lines of “Oh no you can’t!”/”Oh yes we can!” from various characters, including an “Oh toonoy!” from Sunny. Then Sunny bites Dr Orwell on the hand and Orwell yells “Gack!”, breaking the combo. 

Then..

But then she smiled and used an expression that was in French: "En garde!" "En garde!," as you may know, is an expression people use when they wish to announce the beginning of a sword-fight, and with a wicked smile, Dr. Orwell pressed the red jewel on top of her black cane, and a shiny blade emerged from the opposite end. In just one second, her cane had become a sword, which she then pointed at the youngest Baudelaire orphan. But Sunny, being only an infant, had no sword. She only had her four sharp teeth, and, looking Dr. Orwell right in the eye, she opened her mouth and pointed all four at this despicable person.

I understand why this wasn’t in the show... but I love it so much. It’s so fucking ridiculous. Lemony describes the dramatic clanging of blades ringing against each other except that SUNNY JUST HAS HER TEETH. Also: 

There is a loud clink! noise that a sword makes when it hits another sword—or, in this case, a tooth—and whenever I hear it I am reminded of a swordfight I was forced to have with a television repairman not long ago.

Macros I need: “Thanks Lemony,” “u ok Lemony” 

Klaus needed to invent something to stop the machine, and he needed to invent it right away.

God, I love that in this book Violet has to research hypnosis and Klaus has to invent a thing. I think I’m overall glad they didn’t include it, because Klaus’ stretched-gum-log-grabber is kind of silly ... but the skill-swapping is really cute and I hope we get to see it later on.

Hukkita —hukkita—hukkita! The machine began making the loudest and roughest sound Klaus had ever heard. Charles closed his eyes, and Klaus knew that the blade must have hit the bottom of his foot.

HEY THIS IS TERRIFYING JUST FYI

Gathering up all of his strength—and, after working at a lumbermill for a while, he actually had quite a bit of strength for a young boy—he grabbed his invention, and pulled. Klaus pulled on his debarker, and the debarker pulled on the gum, and the gum pulled on the log, and to the relief of all three Baudelaire orphans the log moved to one side.

THE GUM WOULD JUST STRETCH, HANIEL

(i know, i know, it’s not strictly realistic! but! aaaaaa) 

For just as Dr. Orwell was about to bring her sword down on little Sunny's throat, the door of the lumbermill opened and Sir walked into the room. "What in the world is going on?" he barked, and Dr. Orwell turned to him, absolutely surprised. When people are absolutely surprised, they sometimes take a step backward, and taking a step backward can sometimes lead to an accident. Such was the case at this moment, for when Dr. Orwell stepped backward, she stepped into the path of the whirring saw, and there was a very ghastly accident indeed.

I love, uh... 

This thing Lemony does where he goes from describing a specific situation to describing something in general terms that MIGHT happen or SOMETIMES happens, but which has ominous implications for the current situation, and then after this suspense-building, worrying delay gets back to the main story. See also: Violet reads the first, incredibly dense sentence of Dr. Orwell’s book, looks at the table of contents to see where to skip to, and then Lemony immediately launches into a definition of “stylistic consistency” and you know exactly where it’s headed. 

Anyway. Yes. Doctor Orwell. This works better when she’s .. about to stab.. Sunny on the ground, instead of carrying her as in the show. 

The Baudelaire orphans sat together on the floor of Sir's office and looked up at the adults discussing the situation, wondering how in the world they could talk about it so calmly. The word "dreadful," even when used three times in a row, did not seem like a dreadful enough word to describe everything that had happened. Violet was still trembling from how Klaus had looked while hypnotized. Klaus was still shivering from how Charles had almost been sliced up. Sunny was still shaking from how she had almost been killed in the swordfight with Dr. Orwell. And, of course, all three orphans were still shuddering from how Dr. Orwell had met her demise, a phrase which here means "stepped into the path of the sawing machine." The children felt as if they could barely speak at all, let alone participate in a conversation.

Aaaand getting sawed up is a lot less of a Disney Villain Death than stepping backwards and disappearing into a fire, huh? If I were a child of fourteen, twelve, or one, I would not like to see someone sawed up.

"If your left ankle does not have a tattoo of an eye on it," Mr. Poe said, "then you are most certainly not Count Olaf."

Shirley's eyes shone very, very bright, and she gave everyone in the room a big, toothy smile. "And what if it does?" she asked, and hitched up her skirt slightly. "What if it does have a tattoo of an eye on it?"

Stop!! smiling!!!

Count Olaf shrugged, sending his wig toppling to the floor, and smiled at the Baudelaires in a way they were sorry to recognize. It was a certain smile that Count Olaf had just when it looked like he was trapped. It was a smile that looked as if Count Olaf were telling a joke, and it was a smile accompanied by his eyes shining brightly and his evil brain working furiously.

We’re four for four on this phenomenon!

Even a boarding school sounded like it would be better than their days with Foreman Flacutono, Dr. Orwell, and the evil Shirley. I'm sorry to tell you that the orphans were wrong about boarding school being better, but at the moment they knew nothing of the troubles ahead of them, only of the troubles behind them, and the troubles that had escaped out the window.

I mean, at least they get to make some friends there.

(and boarding school isn’t INHERENTLY bad ok)

"Well, let me think," Phil said, and thought for a moment. In the background, the orphans could hear the dim sounds of Mr. Poe describing Count Olaf to somebody on the telephone. "You're alive," Phil said finally. "That's lucky. And I'm sure we can think of something else."

I like that the culmination of Phil’s useless optimism in the book is.. well, yeah, everything sucks, but the kids are genuinely a little cheered by thinking about how they could have died and didn’t. A bunch of the earlier books have about one page of hopefulness at the end. I don’t think it lasts. 

LEMONY SNICKET grew up near the sea and currently lives beneath it. To his horror and dismay he has no wife or children, only enemies, associates, and the occasional loyal manservant. His trial has been delayed, so he is free to continue researching and writing the tragic tales of the Baudelaire orphans for HarperCollins.

Let’s see, he was living in the city, he was going to be put on trial, now his trial’s been delayed and he’s (presumably) living on the Queequeg. At what point do we start getting the worrying asides about “the author’s execution has been cancelled”? :P