#queen camille bigeyes

[onbearfeet]

Me, on the phone with a client: So I can send you the rate sheet for--*voice goes up two octaves* YES, child? Can I HELP you?

Client: Oh, you have a kid there?

Me: I have a *sickly sweet voice* spoiled rotten cat who knows when I'm on the phone and attacks the furniture about it!

Client: Oh, wow.

Me: It's fine. She's a demon, but she's a cute demon. Anyway, text me your email and I'll send you the sheet.

Client: Got it.

Me: And a picture of her majesty, of course. I know the rules.

Client: Oh, good.

[onbearfeet]

Her majesty has claimed my hoodie.

People are really fucking weird sometimes, and I'm really exhausted of dealing with how fucking weird they can be in my direction.

Today is the last day of September, 2024.

Show me your pets. Please add them to this post bc I have images off in asks. 💗

[onbearfeet]

Me: If I throw this quilt over these open boxes, it'll keep the box-obsessed cat from developing an unhealthy interest in said boxes.

The cat:

[onbearfeet]

Her Serene Majesty Queen Camille BigEyes says you can make it through this. She knows it, and she is never wrong.

[onbearfeet]

I'm gonna gush for a moment.

You all know Her Serene Majesty Queen Camille BigEyes, she of the swift paw and exquisite diction. (If she hisses at you, you WILL hear the word "bitch" enunciated perfectly.) Technically she is Roommate Cryptid's cat, but she has graciously accepted me among her lesser worshipers as well.

Much as I like to joke about her whole deal, this cat has some undefined kittenhood trauma (she is a rescue and she is terrified of some extremely specific objects) and her personality could be unfavorably compared to those old table saws that were constantly slicing people's bits off. She's probably pretty spicy by nature, and then life cranked it up.

And today, 10 months into living with her, I sat on the floor to do a thing, and she got up, walked several steps, and flopped against my leg.

She didn't demand petting or treats. She just wanted to be close, and trusted that I wouldn't hurt her.

It is incredibly rare for her to seek out prolonged contact with anyone other than RC. And today she decided I was a safe spot.

I'm not crying, you're crying. 😭

[onbearfeet]

1. Yesterday I told my 3yo niece the (sanitized) story of my sexual-predator manager and the pigeons who helped me get him fired. I explained that pigeons are my friends and we shouldn't chase them or touch them because it can hurt them. She stopped chasing them and started saying "Hi, pigeon!" instead.

2. Here is Her Serene Highness, Queen Camille BigEyes, living up to her name as she accepts your oaths of birthday fealty.

BIRTHDAY TIME!

Please bring me your tributes of:

cute animal pictures

questions about/reviews of my books/WIPs

your most mystifyingly bad or good real estate listings

pigeon content (must be pro-pigeon, not anti-pigeon)

I spent all of my last year's birthday feverish and puking so I have to do up this one EXTRA.

But like without spending money.

[onbearfeet]

Me: *nudges open my bedroom door with my hands full*

Cat: *scurries into my room, which is not cat-safe, and beelines for the Closet of Cat Deathtraps*

Me: Godfuckingdammit cat I WILL scoop you!

Cat: *gives me enormous sad eyes*

Me: *puts down the things* I know you hate it when I pick you up, but if you come in here without permission, YOU GET SCOOPED.

Cat: *mews pathetically from in front of closet*

Me: motherfucker you-- *reaches down for cat*

Cat: *unexpectedly holds still*

Me: *tries stroking cat's head, a thing she normally does not permit, as an experiment*

Cat: *permits it*

Me: ... this is a manipulation, isn't it.

Cat: mew? *makes her baby kitten eyes ginormous*

Me: ...

Cat: *full Puss in Boots impression*

Me: ... Fine. I will get the treats and lure you out, but you had BETTER COME.

Cat: *allows herself to be lured, gets two treats*

Me: I am a sucker.

[onbearfeet]

Roommate Cryptid: She is beauty. She is grace.

Me: She will bite you in the face.

RC: Yes, she will.

[onbearfeet]

You (yes, you) need to behold an extremely happy Roommate Cryptid snuggling his cat at golden hour.

(No cats were harmed in the making of this image beyond small dents in their dignity. Her majesty was not permitted to leave her human's arms lest she try to punch a coyote. She seemed to enjoy Safe Outside Smells.)

[onbearfeet]

Her serene majesty Queen Camille BigEyes.

i don't want tumblr premium i want pictures of cats

[onbearfeet]

This cat has now been caught sleeping on my hoodie on three separate occasions. Tonight she was doing it while her favorite human (Roommate Cryptid) was asleep in a perfectly accessible bed in an adjoining room.

Cat. Cat why.

[onbearfeet]

Her majesty has more of a comment than a question ...

[onbearfeet]

If you, like many of us, are having a shit day, Her Majesty graciously presents: belly, with bonus curled feetsies.

[onbearfeet]

My roommate's cat: *yowls and bonks her head on the food cabinet*

Me: *in baby voice* Is it operant conditioning o'clock? Yes, it is! Yes, it is!!!

Cat: *bonks harder*

Me: *retrieves two kitty treats from cabinet, sits down on floor, feeds them to her one at a time while stroking her head and back once per treat* Pretty girl loves her operant conditioning, huh? Operant conditioning time is the BEST.

Cat: *purrs*

Roommate, from the next room: Are you experimenting on my child?

Me: All the cool nerds do it!

Roommate: What are you teaching her?

Me: To exchange tolerance of my affection for treats!

Roommate: Ah. Life skills.

[onbearfeet]

Everyone please enjoy the scandalized expression of this cat listening to her human have loud sex behind that closed door.

Posting it here because I need other people to be amused, and her human is not on Tumblr.

Don't worry, I'm spoiling her rotten during her sexile.

(Image ID: a gray tabby cat with white belly and paws and large green eyes stands, frozen in midstride, a few steps away from a closed door. She looks disturbed by whatever she is hearing. Her tail is slightly blurry from lashing and her back is slightly arched.)

[onbearfeet]

BEHOLD HER.