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sleepless-in-starbucks · 5 years ago

Text

Cry

Ao3

Summary: All Patton wanted to do was cry. And yet, that was the one thing they knew they shouldn’t do. So they didn’t. Warnings: Self-deprecating, bottling up/repressing emotions + reactions to said emotions, making fun of someone’s interests, considering animals to be disgusting, purposeful misgendering, calling someone a ‘special snowflake’, crying Pairing: QPR Mosleepxiety Notes: We’ve also got agender!patton, nb + neopronoun using!Remy, and transmale!virgil because You Can’t Stop Me

Patton was having a great week.

Sure, maybe it was only Monday, and it was too early to judge the whole week, but still! They had woken up on the right side of the bed, they had had a good and easy day at work, and now they were hanging out with friends they hadn’t seen in forever. Patton knew this was just going to be the awesome start to an equally awesome week.

At least, that’s what they had thought.

That was before the conversation between the group had turned from various miscellaneous tidbits and topics to Patton’s life in particular. They had all been going around, talking about how their lives had been, so Patton wasn’t surprised the conversation turned directly on them.

They were surprised, however, when their talk of working at a pet store was met with what they almost would have described as disgust. When they spoke of loving to take care of all the animals and how they were always happy to see pets brought in with their owners to shop, most of the group sneered, one going as far as to ask Patton how they put up with having to be around so many animals all day.

Though by then their stomach had started to twist uncomfortably and unhappily, Patton answered truthfully- they thought the animals were cute, and being able to see and interact with so many without having to take on all that responsibility full time made them happy.

More scoffs, a few odd glances, and a quick change of subject was all Patton got in response. The group didn’t even bother to ask about the rest of their life, about whether they had met anyone or their hobbies or anything. They had fully dismissed them and their life for the sake that they liked animals.

And damn did that sting.

Their eyes did, too, after a moment, upset at being ignoring and having their interests mocked pooling together. They bit their tongue, however, and blinked a few times to clear the unwelcomed water from them. Later, when they were home, they could cry; but not here, not while they could still see.

Later turned out to be much later, however, and by the time Patton was home the need to cry had passed, leaving them only feeling hollow and hurting. They dropped their bag by the door, resolving to put it somewhere nicer later, and made their way to the kitchen.

There, they found Remy mixing what was sure to soon become dinner. When dae noticed Patton standing in the doorway, dae smiled at them.

“Heya, sweet cheeks.” Dae greeted. “I see you and your friends really hit it off, huh? You’re back later than I expected- not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. You had fun, yeah?”

Barely a moment of consideration passed before Patton was plastering on a smile. “Yeah, I did.” They lied effortlessly, their words only catching in their throat for a moment. After all, it wasn’t like any of this was a big deal- it was just one bad interaction. Nothing a nice night with their partners couldn’t resolve. They didn’t need to mention it, or do something as silly as cry about it. They’d be fine if they just pretended it didn’t happen.

They’d be fine.

Patton was having a good week.

Yesterday hadn’t been the greatest day ever, yes, but it hadn’t been awful, either! Unpleasantness aside, work had still been good, and relaxing with their partners had been good too. They weren’t ready to write this week off just because of one bad moment at the beginning!

But it seemed that Tuesday was after them as well.

It was around midday when a brash customer came in, looking for a fish for his daughter. None of the options available seemed to appease him, and Patton’s attempts to assist him weren’t helping either.

Being yelled at for not being able to magically add more colourful fish into the store’s stock was bad but not unusual, and Patton bore it with a forced smile and as calm a manner as they could fake. It became harder to uphold the facade when the man, having decided he’d rather yell at a manager, took a closer look at Patton’s name tag, discovering not only their name, but the neatly written out ‘they/them’ pronouns note.

The man made a face of open disgust at that, and Patton tried not to flinch as they pointed him in the direction of their manager. She wasn’t too far away, and even still standing in the fish aisle Patton could hear their conversation.

“-he was being blatantly disrespectful!”

“They were simply informing you of the facts of the matter, sir. While I’m sorry we don’t have what you are looking for, it’s not as if they can-”

“Oh, enough of this ‘they’ bullshit! He’s clearly a boy, albeit a special snowflake of one!”

Patton moved away from the fish aisle after that, hurrying towards the front of the store and away from the conversation. Tears were already stinging at the corners of their eyes, but they brushed them aside impatiently, unwilling to be caught crying in public. And it wasn’t as if they hadn’t been misgendered before! They knew how to deal with it! This shouldn’t be the end of the world when they’ve had to put up with it before!

Before Patton could decide if disappearing into the bathroom and crying for five minutes was a good idea or not, the bell by the door rang, indicating a customer entering. They looked up on instinct, slightly surprised when they recognized the person coming in. Virgil was known to pop in for a visit around lunch time every once in a while; Patton just hadn’t expected him to visit that day.

With one last wipe at their eyes, Patton put on a smile that was only a little realer than the one they had been using for the customer earlier and went to approach him. “Virge!”

Virgil smiled- really smiled, genuinely smiled, unlike Patton- when he saw Patton. “Hey there, Pat.” He greeted as he met Patton, kissing their forehead.

Patton’s smile warmed at the gesture, feeling more real. “Hiya honey. How’s your day been?”

“Wild.” Virgil answered with a smirk. “Some lady made me chase her when she suddenly broke into a run on her way out of the museum. I thought she had stolen something- turns out she just realized she was late to catch her bus.”

“Oh wow.” Patton said, laughing once before saying, worriedly, “But you-”

“I already took my binder off, don’t worry.” Virgil assured them quickly. “It wasn’t that long of a run either. I’m fine.”

Patton let out a little sigh of relief. “Good.”

“Mhmm.” Virgil hummed neutrally. “And you? How’s your day been?”

“It’s been good.” Patton said automatically. It wasn’t a total lie- the day hadn’t been that bad, really, it was just the one interaction that had them on edge, which was hardly enough to make it a ‘bad day.’ Even if it had been, it wasn’t like telling Virgil would help anybody. He would just have to go back to work knowing Patton was upset, and Patton could be stuck knowing they had made Virgil’s day worse.

So they stuck with the half-lie and the half-smile. They could always tell Virgil the truth that night at home, could cry then and be comforted then and deal with it then.

Of course, when night came and the numbness had once more set in, Patton didn’t tell Virgil anything. They didn’t cry either.

But that was fine. They felt better, already, after all! And Virgil seemed happy, and it was nice to see him happy, and his happiness made Patton happy. There wasn’t any need to cry or bring up the day’s incident. So long as Patton ignored it, everything'd be alright and they’d be happier than ever by tomorrow.

They’d be alright.

Patton was having a fine week.

Monday and Tuesday hadn’t been stellar days, but Patton knew how to work with that. They had still had good moments, of course, and they weren’t one to let two bits of mold ruin a perfect good loaf of bread! Besides, today was their day off, and they were going to make the most of it!

They had started by cleaning the house, putting everything in order, and the resulting neatness of everything alone was enough to lift their spirits. They decided to reward themself, happily adding ‘ice cream :)’ to the bottom of their shopping list before they headed to the store.

They got through the shopping list alright until they got to their added reminder to grab ice cream because, upon arriving in the section for ice cream, they found their favorite flavor of ice cream to be sold out. Completely sold out. Not a pint of it to be found anywhere on the shelf. To add insult to injury, it was a speciality flavor of the brand- which meant Patton couldn’t just pick a different brand with the same flavor.

To their annoyance, Patton realized that tears were trying to poke their way past their eyes, trying to slip down their cheeks unnoticed as if that would make it so that Patton hadn’t ‘really’ started crying. Patton just wiped them away.

It wasn’t like this was anything to cry over, after all. It was just some ice cream being out of stock! They could always just grab their second favorite flavor and that would be just as good. It didn’t make sense for them to be so upset over this, to feel as if the only proper response to the whole matter was to cry. That was just stupid.

Patton kept that in mind as they turned away from the frozen section and headed for the cash registers, no longer in the mood for any ice cream. All they wanted to do was go home, put away their groceries, and take a nice long nap.

Maybe, if they slept long enough, the once more returned numbness that had settled into them would go away and leave them alone. Maybe if it did that, Patton could be okay, could get past the ugliness of the week so far.

(Maybe) They’d be okay.

Patton was having a week.

They had woken up tired, likely the result of their nap from the day before leaving them doing more tossing-and-turning than sleeping. That had also meant they had missed having breakfast with their partners, and while the quick good morning and goodbye kisses each of them had planted on their forehead before leaving had been sweet, Patton still couldn’t help but feel bad they had messed up their usual routine by sleeping in a bit.

The morning seemed to have set the tone for the day, as, so far, they had done little more than lie about the house, occasionally moving where they laid about to give themself the impression of not being completely lazy. That tactic had done little to make them feel better, but they still continued with it, figuring that, if nothing else, a little exercise was better than none at all.

But just as it had every other day of the week so far, that mindset ended up betraying them. Because it was during one of their random treks across the house to a new spot to do nothing in that they stubbed their toe.

The incident alone should have been harmless- Patton was relatively clumsy, they had stubbed their toe countless times before and would likely do so again many times in the future. But as the shock of pain registered with Patton, their reaction was anything but normal.

Almost immediately, they started crying.

Despite the amount of tears that had welled up in their eyes more or less at the moment of impact, only one managed to escape, quickly running down their face and leaving a small trail behind it. It wasn’t much, but it counted. It counted as crying.

Angrily, Patton smeared their hands across their face, wiping all traces of the one escaped tear from their face and forcing the others back as they pressed their palms against their eyes. They couldn’t believe it. After everything they had dealt with that week, that was what they cried over. Stubbing their toe.

Pathetic.

They didn’t remove their hands from their eyes until they were sure the chance of crying was gone, ignoring how their chest ached and how their stomach twisted. They moved to walk again, ignoring the spark of pain from the stubbed toe as they put weight on it. It was just the slightest sting, after all, nothing to baby or fret over or goodness forbid cry over.

Still mentally berating themself, Patton arrived at the couch and promptly flopped down onto it, planning to stay right there for the rest of the day. No more moving about and risking breakdowns over silly stupid things.

Pressing their face into the nearest throw pillow, Patton didn’t even bother trying to lie to themself about tomorrow.

Patton was having a bad week.

There was no point in trying to convince themself that they were just having an off day or moment. By now, the whole week was rotten and Patton was feeling rotten too. It hadn’t helped that they had gotten their partners concerned, both of them clearly worried after finding them on the couch refusing to move. Eventually, Patton folded to their concern, getting up for dinner and the like, but them blaming their original legarthy on tiredness only slightly lessened the worry in both their partners’ expressions.

Work had been nothing special, with no good moments or bad ones, but the day had felt ten times longer to Patton, and by the time they were home all they wanted to do was take a nap and not wake up for many, many days. Despite seeing the light in the kitchen, Patton headed towards the bedroom, taking half a second to kick off their shoes before they sat down on the bed, leaning against the headboard, closing their eyes even though they knew they’d never fall asleep in that position.

“Hey there, sugar.” Patton opened their eyes and tilted their head to find Remy leaning in the doorway, smiling softly at them. Daer tone was gentle, and it didn’t take a genius to guess dae was still worried about Patton. “Tired?”

Patton nodded. “Can we have dinner in here?” They asked, feeling silly even as they asked. It wasn’t like Patton couldn’t move to the table to eat, they just… didn’t want to. Table meant sitting up and sitting apart and trying to uphold decent conversation. Patton just wanted to snuggle up against their partners and try to drown out the cold feeling of melancholy with their warmth.

“Yeah, of course.” Remy agreed readily. “We can eat now, if you want- Virgil called, apparently some paperwork from his false-alarm capture got lost. He said he’s gonna be late home and that we shouldn’t wait up for him.”

It was a simple matter, both what Remy had said and how dae had said it, and it wasn’t an uncommon event either- Virgil’s workplace was horrible with keeping track of paperwork. He had been late home before.

So, of course, Patton immediately wanted to cry about it.

They resisted the urge to wipe at their eyes, knowing that would make Remy suspicious, instead simply pressing their eyes closed to fight back the waterworks as they said, “Okay.”

Despite it being all of two syllables, however, Patton’s voice broke on the word, Remy’s expression drawing into a frown before they had even finished speaking. “Love?” Dae asked, tone terribly gentle, as if speaking too loud might cause Patton to break. Patton let out a watery laugh. These days, they probably would.

“I’m fine.” Patton said, even as their voice broke again, their every word sounding choked. “I’m fine, really, I’m fine, just tired, nothing to worry about, I’m fine,”

Patton didn’t realize Remy had started approaching them until dae was sitting on the bed beside them, taking one of their hands in daer own. “Love?” Remy repeated, a hint of worry seeping into daer tone this time. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Patton answered immediately. “Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine, just tired, I’m fine, really, just fine,”

“Hun, you’re spiraling.” Remy pointed out gently. Patton shut their mouth immediately, ducking their head as they did so. Remy sighed lightly, running daer hand over Patton’s arm as dae pulled out daer phone. “I’m going to tell Virgil to get home quickly.”

“But his work-”

“Can be taken care of later.” Remy finished for them, tossing daer phone to the side, sure that daer message would be read and heeded. Both hands now free, dae scooted closer to Patton, gently prompting them to lift their head and meet Remy’s searching gaze. “Right now, you’re the priority.”

“I shouldn’t be. I’m fine.” Patton said, emphasizing the last word as if that would make it finally sink in for Remy that they were fine, really, just tired and a little numb but mostly just fine.

“You can say you’re fine as much as you want, darling, but that doesn’t make it true.” Remy responded patiently. “Come on, sweetheart, you know there’s nothing wrong in admitting you’re upset. Let me know what’s bothering you.”

Patton choked on a sob they just managed to keep down. “It’s stupid.” They said, miserably, still trying and failing to keep the broken tinge out of their voice. “Just small, little, stupid things.”

“It’s not stupid to be upset over small things.” Remy rebuked gently. “Especially when they pile up, which I have a feeling is what’s happening here.”

“I just-” Patton stopped as a sob made its way through their throat, only making them feel worse as they continued, “it was just my friends said animals were stupid, and someone misgendered me on purpose, and then the store was out of my favorite ice cream and I stubbed my toe and all I wanted to do was curl up with you and Virgil and pretend nothing was happening but Virgil was going to be home late and I-”

Patton broke off to sob again, pressing their eyes shut as they did, trying to contain the tears that were fighting to spill. Remy cooed sympathetically as dae moved from cupping Patton’s face to pull them into an embrace instead, guiding Patton’s head to daer shoulder as dae wrapped daer arms around them and held them close.

“I’m just so sick of wanting to cry.” Patton choked out.

“Oh, honey, of course you are.” Remy said understandingly, daer hands running up and down Patton’s back, the motions comforting and grounding. “How much have you been crying, hun? Once a day? You must be so tired-”

“No.” Patton interrupted, shaking their head against Remy’s shoulder. “No crying.”

For a moment, Remy’s hands slowed in their movements, Patton’s words clearly giving Remy pause. “What do you mean, no crying?” When Patton didn’t answer, Remy pushed, “Darling, have you not been crying at all this week?”

“Wanted to.” Patton mumbled. “With my friends and the misgendering. But I didn’t want to cry in public, and by the time I got home I didn’t want to anymore. And then the ice cream and the toe, those were just- just stupid, stupid things to cry over, so I didn’t.”

“Oh, Patton…” Remy said after a moment. Daer voice was much more concerned than it had been a moment ago, and Patton wanted to shrink into themself and disappear for making daem sound like that. But before they could, the sound of a door opening and closing rang out through the household, signalling the arrival of Virgil. He was in the room barely a moment later, worry etched on every inch of his face. When he saw the position Patton and Remy were in, some of the more manic worry fled from his eyes, though most of it still remained.

He approached the bed quietly, stepping lightly as he took a seat besides the two of them. “Hiya, pattycake.” He said softly, one hand coming up to run through their hair. When Patton didn’t respond, he looked towards Remy, searching for answers.

Remy quickly explained the crappy highlights of Patton’s week. “Had they told you about any of that?”

Virgil shook his head, eyes wide. “Of course not! I would’ve told you if they had.”

“I know, honey, don’t worry.” Remy assured him, briefly moving to press a kiss against Virgil’s forehead before once more placing daer chin on top of Patton’s head. “They said they haven’t been crying either.”

Virgil sucked in a breath through his teeth. “Oh, Patton…” He said, tone nearly identical to Remy’s when dae had said the same thing. “You know why you shouldn’t do that, right?”

Patton half-shrugged. “Don’t see any reason not to.” They murmured.

“You’re not giving your emotions an outlet.” Virgil told them, voice gentle. “All of your sadness and frustration and upset… you’re just bottling it up and hoping it’ll go away if you ignore it. But feelings don’t work like that. They’re just building up beneath the surface, hurting you more and more every time you refuse to acknowledge them.”

“I don’t want to acknowledge them.”

“We know, sweetheart.” Remy told them, kissing the top of their head. “We know it’s not fun, especially after you’ve been holding them in so long. But you have to, or things are just going to keep getting worse.”

Patton let out another sob against their will, and though their eyes were still screwed shut, they knew they wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears forever, especially not with Remy and Virgil like this, being so gentle and sweet. “Can I-” They stopped to pull in another breath, hating that it took so much effort just to do that. “Can I cry?”

“Oh, baby, honey, darling… you don’t have to ask permission for that.” Remy said, sounding heartbroken even as they soothed Patton. “Of course you can cry.”

“We’ve got you.” Virgil added as he scooted closer, pressing against Patton’s side even as his fingers continued to comb through their hair. “It’s okay. You can cry.”

So Patton did.

And it hurt, hurt as they shook and sobbed, hurt as their breaths hitched and they moved between breathing and choking, hurt as their tears stained Remy’s shirt and smeared across their face, hurt as they cried a week’s worth of tears and flushed out the ugly pit that had too long settled in the pit of their stomach. It all hurt, and Patton almost wished they hadn’t allowed themself to start crying.

But for as much as it hurt, it couldn’t hurt more than the numbness that had plagued them since Wednesday did, couldn’t hurt more than feeling like everything was something to cry over, couldn’t hurt more than they had been hurting when they had been pretending they were fine.

And with Remy still holding them close and Virgil beginning to hum a senseless but calming tune under his breath, comforting them as they sobbed, likely already planning what to do when Patton was done crying, to keep holding them, to keep comforting them, to remind Patton that they loved them even when they did nothing more than cry, Patton knew that, for as stupid as they had felt, their partners’ had been right.

Sometimes, it was better to cry.

#mosleepxiety #qpr mosleepxiety #ts patton #ts virgil #ts remy #ts sleep #nb!patton #nb!remy #trans!virgil #the cryptid speaks #fanfic #fanfiction #ts sides #sanders sides #i don't like the ending of this very much but it's the best i could do alright shdfchs

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