#putting the yaasss in assassin

[merciawintersageposting]

and he will always be cheese king. to me.

[wearetakingthehobbitstogallifrey]

Gotham 4x16 (spoilers below)

-so Tetch has been trying to hynoptize people and stuff okaaay now I get why the guard is listening to music I thought that Arkham’s security measures were ridiculously lax (not that strict measures would do much good, this is Arkham after all

-LOL “Mr. Tetch” and “My dear Mr. Crane” I have a feeling these two psychos are gonna be fun together and oMG EW WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU BREwING IN THE tOILET UGH

-Jerome is a terrible creepy murderous evil psycho and yet he is also funny and GENTLEMEN WHEN I SAY MEET ME AT THREE HAIRS PAST THE MOLE I DO NOT MEAN FIVE HAIRS PAST

THIS VILLAIN TEAMUP IS GOING TO BE A TRIP

-Harvey I love you but can you NOT be so bitter?  Like jeez I get it Jim messed up and it was pretty bad and feel free to rib him about it for a while but gosh you don���t have to twist the knife every time you open your mouth—he’s trying and that’s better than any other cop in Gotham

-Harvey: I had a thought

Jim:  I’ll alert the press

LOL

And then

Harvey:  what if Jarvis hypnotized us when we were on the phone

Jim:  oh good, so we’re either hypnotized or idiots

-OH GOSH JARVIS ISN’T PULLING PUNCHES

-okay I know the Gotham PD is a bit chaotic right now what with all the Arkham escapees they are trying to capture and put back behind bars but Bruce and Selina WALK RIGHT IN TO THE GCPD DRESSED IN THEIR BBY BATSUIT AND CATSUIT AND NO ONE BLINKS AN EYE OR ASKS THEM WHY THEY ARE THERE AND OH THERE GOES SELINA BREAKING INTO JIM’S OFFICE TO STEAL JEROME’S FILE

(sidenote, the bickering and eye-glares are in top form batcat is flourishing!)

-Barbara: *literally dying from a headache*

Tabitha: lol get over it

Barbara: yeah okay you got a point there

-Ra’s: *resurrects Barbara with Lazurus water* everyone hates you, everyone hates me, there’s like a similarity thing going on

Me: mhhmm makes sense I guess...

Ra’s:  so now I’m gonna make you the Demon’s Head

Me: WUT

-Harvey:  yeah same story all around.  All they remember is they were driving then they were here then it was cluck cluck here a chick there a chick

LOL Harvey cracks me up

-OMG NO BRUCE CRACKS ME UP HE’S TRYING TO DISTRACT HARPER FROM CATCHING SIGHT OF SELINA AND HE PRETENDS TO BE DISTRAUGHT BECAUSE JEROME MIGHT WANT TO KILL HIM AND I’M SORRY SON YOU NEED TO STEP YOUR PRETEND CRYING GAME BECAUSE WAS THE WORST THING EVER LOL

-so now Jarvis has a bunch of people lined up on a rooftop waiting to jump at midnight, and if police go near them they are set to jump then, so in conclusion Jim needs a lasso

NVM he’s gonna need a MILLION lassos

-AAAAAAHHHHH BATCAT

Okay so Bruce is being all serious and justice-y and I Let Jerome Live And Now I Am Responsible For Him (which is very brave and very Bruce and very Batman) but Selina is like BRUH your ego needs its own carseat and then Bruce just looks at her and then leans in close and Selina is like *smiles* HE IS GONNA KISS ME but then Bruce just OPENS THE DOOR and Selina is torn between disappointment and rolling her eyes and smiling and she gets out huffily but also can’t help but smile and Bruce kinda smiles too I JUST CAN’T BECAUSE THEY BOTH BELIEVE DIFFERENT THINGS BUT THEY STILL BOTH LIKE AND ADMIRE THE OTHER PERSON AND THEY TOTALLY WANNA KISS BUT BRUCE IS ANNOYING SELINA AND SELINA DOESN’T UNDERSTAND BRUCE’S DRIVE TO ACT AND I LOVE BATCAT WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND SOUL

-I don’t know enough about hypnotism to know if this is how hypnotism actually works, but kudos to Harvey for jumping in that car (also can we take note that no matter how angry Harvey is at Jim he still does reckless things knowing full well that Jim has his back?)

-annnd Jerome is gonna be stew? doubtful, Scarecrow has been scarce this episode, pretty sure he’s about to make a grand entrance

-Harvey seriously needs to stop getting hypnotized

-OMG I WAS WRONG BRUCE WAYNE STEPS IN TO...SAVE JEROME?! SUCH A BATMAN MOVE.  BRUCE IS NOT HERE FOR THE MURDER STUFF

-aight, Barbara has the guts to stand up to the League of Shadows, I’ll give her that, but still Barbara: *kills one guy who seriously underestimated her, then faces twenty or so trained assassins who will not underestimate her* who else wants a shot at the title

twenty or so trained assassins: *raises their weapons*

Barbara: I may not have thought that through

-EVERYTHING BETWEEN JEROME AND BRUCE IS FREAKING SPECTACULAR I WANT TO QUOTE EVERY BIT AND NOTE THE LOOK ON BRUCE’S FACE WHEN HE GLANCES AT JEROME’S UNCLE WHEN HE IS KILLED, AND THEN WHEN BRUCE SHOUTS NO TO STOP JEROME FROM KILLING THE GUY WHO IS LITERALLY CHOKIG THE LIFE OUT OF HIM (BRUCE)

MY BATMAN SON

-OMG JIM JUST SHOT JARVIS STRAIGHT THROUGH THE HAND

-AND SELINA SHOWS UP WITH A WHIP AND A SMILE TO SAVE BRUCE’S LIFE EXCEPT SHE IS LIKE TIME TO SHOOT JEROME AND BRUCE STOPS HER AND BOY IS SHE GONNA BE MAD (BUT I AM REJOICING BECAUSE OF REASONS, LIKE THE FACT THAT BRUCE’S AND SELINA’S FACES WERE LIKE TWO INCHES APART)

-well I was wrong Selina isn’t mad she’s not happy, but she isn’t MAD, and all I can say is that she knows Bruce and why he is the way he is and even if she doesn’t UNDERSTAND it she still respects him enough to let him be who he is AND ALSO THAT LINE OF HERS “JUST MAKE SURE YOU DON’T TAKE SO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY THAT YOU GET YOURSELF KILLED” SHE FREAKING CARES FOR HIM GAH

-I gotta say, for however psycho Barbara can be, she has guts

-JIM SAVED EVERYONE BY TELLING THEM TO SAVE EACH OTHER.  NICE

-LOL Harvey with the backup stash of alcohol and also PSA PSA PSA THE JIM GORDON/HARVEY BULLOCK BROTP LIVES AGAIN

Harvey:  you know what I was thinking when I got in that car?  I was thinking I can do this reckless thing, because if things go south, Jim Gordon will save me

*CRIES FOREVER* IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL

Jim:  I judged you for a long time and I shouldn’t have

YAASSS

Harvey:  what you know about me is just the tip of the iceberg, there are no heroes here

Jim:  there are no heroes here *CUE HARPER OPENING THE DOOR AND ANNOUNCING THAT “THE WAYNE KID” IS ON THE LINE*

ASDFGHJKLHDFJADHFJKALHGDFJKDF JUST YOU WAIT JIM GORDON JUST YOU WAIT BATMAN IS COMING

-I LOVE JIM AND BRUCE’S DYNAMIC SO MUCH “I’LL SEE YOU AT ST. IGNATIUS JIM, YOU CAN YELL AT ME THEN”

(but also I wonder if Jim is going to be able to easily make the connection between Bruce and the future Batman)

-ah that’s where Crane got to

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E2

It’s time for another installment of let me watch TV for you (LMWTV4U) where I watch TV shows so you don’t have to! Today I’ll be re-capping the latest ep of Game of Thrones, Season 7.

As always, spoiler alert! Also, reminder that I have a new feature called WHY DOES THIS SCENE EVEN MATTER or (WDTSEM?) to help us decipher those random scenes that seemingly serve no purpose. SO MUCH HAPPENED TONIGHT SO LET’S GO!!!!!

We start at Dragonstone where Khaleesi and co are still strategizin’

Khaleesi’s pals are trying to get her to attack QPC ASAP but she’s not really havin’ it. She proceeds to rip Sleevey a new a-hole for his lack of loyalty. If you’ll recall Sleevey is a schemer and is the one who basically brought together all of Khaleesi’s current crew but also was the one who sent assassins to kill Khaleesi back in season 1. She’s like will you be loyal 2 me? And he’s like sure...until I’m not anymore. And then you can kill me. And she’s like kewl good plan also will you lemme know if I’m doing a bad job as Kween and he’s like yep, sure.

Next, the red witch lady (who Bae sent away at the end of Season 6 because she burned alive this sweet bb gurl but also who brought him back from the dead) shows up on Khaleesi’s doorstep. Khaleesi is like hey what up I also speak the fanciest language and your religion is #trending back home and helping to keep people calm so… thanks. And the witch lady is like great, also FYI Bae is pretty fine and just got named “King of the North” thought you should know. Tyrion, who is like basically vice president, is like ya I remember Bae he was a kewl kid we met in Season 1. Obvi Khaleesi doesn’t know that Bae is her nephew yet but she’s like, well let’s invite him to hang out here but he’s got to #bowdownbitches to moi.

Later in the ep, we pop back by Dragonstone and Khaleesi is meeting with her peeps in the map room. Previously-traumatized Theon’s (PTT’s) sister is like we should launch our armies and dragons on Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) like right now please because she’s a shady bitch. And then the Sand Queen (she’s the one whose daughters are called the “Sand Snakes” and who stabbed her brother in law and took over down South last season) is like BTW I hate the Lannisters and my hubby got his head squeezed to death 2 seasons ago when he was defending YOUR honor, Tyrion and I’m not over it. And also Queen Makeunder’s (who got ‘sploded last season) grandma is there and she is like I miss my granddaughter and also you shouldn’t worry about burning up innocent people with dragons because QPC did it and now look at her!

Khaleesi is like I #respectmyelders but also, naw dawg. She decides PTT’s sis and Sand Queen will head down south and round up all of their troops together then they’ll attack QPC slowly because she can’t bring her Dothraki dudes and Unsullied troops over there it would be CHAOS. She does decide to send the unsullied troops to Tyrion’s hometown, Casterly Rock, to take that place over. Everyone is pretty on board with this plan except for Grandma so Khaleesi’s like DM- me, k? Khaleesi and grandma sit down and gma is like you should not trust Tyrion, this plan is dumb. Also, you ARE a dragon. And Khaleesi is like thnx for the inspo but.... I don’t wanna burn everyone up. 

Then, Khaleesi’s bestie/translator who is FLY AS HELL and has the coolest outfits and hairstyles, goes to talk to Greyworm, the leader of the unsullied army. These 2 have had the hots for eachother forever, so it’s no surprise when they FINALLY HOOKUP YAASSS GAGA! If you’ll recall the unsullied are all castrated as kids so he’s kinda embarrassed about his lack-of-package, but hottie translator is like NBD let’s do this. And so he, much like Jon Snow season 3, is like NBD lemme go down on you and she is LOVING IT. And it’s a great scene because we haven’t had nearly as much sensuality on GoT in the past few years and we needed it.

Let’s stop in Winterfell to check in on Bae and Sansa, shall we?

That letter that Khaleesi mailed to Bae has already arrived and Bae is like I know it’s legit because Tyrion put an inside joke in there that only he and I would get, OK? Sansa is like yep I was briefly married to Tyrion against both of our wills and he was v nice to me and treated me well. And No-Knuckles is there too and he’s like fire kills those ice zombies and dragons = fire and everyone is like sure but can we trust her?

Later in the ep, Bae gets the letter that his bestie, Sam, sent him in last week’s ep about how there’s heaps o’ dragonglass under dragonstone. Bae is like ok now that I’ve got these 2 very informative letters, I need to go see Khaleesi. All of his pals/ people loyal to him are like BAD IDEA, BAE don’t leave us we need you. And Sansa is like ya dude you can’t just leave and then no one’s in charge over here and he’s like LEAN IN GURL YOU DA KWEEN OF WINTERFELL. And she’s like I guess I never considered that but Ok, fine.

Then Bae stops by to visit their dad’s grave (well actually his uncle but he doesn’t know yet) and Littlefinger comes creepin’ around like hey remember how your stepmom was always mean to you? I was in love with her! And Bae’s like GTFO. And Littlefinger is like #you’rewelcome #dwaynetherockjohnsoninmoana  for helping you win this place back last season. And Bae is like don’t touch Sansa, k?

WDTSEM? We’re supposed to think Sansa might just take Littlefinger’s advice and do some sort of plot to take over from Bae, especially now that they’re fighting on the regs and now she’s all in charge. Personally, I think Sansa is smarter than that and also she’s made it quite clear that she’s grossed out by Littlefinger, esp his obsession with her mom. WHO KNOWS what will happen, but this last scene is probably supposed to plant some seeds of doubt.

We briefly touch base in King’s Landing with QPC…

She’s sitting on the coveted throne-of-swords and telling people how awful Khaleesi is. She’s like ya…. She’s gonna burn y’all up with her dragons. And everyone is like but remember last season when you burned up half of this city? Sam’s dad is there and he was a major dick last season and nothing seems to have changed in that department. QPC’s bro/lover, Jamie, is like will you please fight for us? And he’s like I would but I promised that grandma (who is currently #teamKhaleesi) that I’d be loyal to her so… no. But Jamie is like well if you change your mind I can put you in charge and you can forget about grandma. He doesn’t seem convinced but we’ll see.

Later in the ep, QPC checks out some dragon skulls with the “maester” because now that Khaleesi has these dragons, she’s gotta figure something out. He shows her this giant crossbow/catapult thing he’s made that can kill dragons and she’s like wow kewl.

We also briefly check in with Sam in “Old Town”

He’s still interning at the maester-training-academy and he’s treating Khaleesi’s former bestie, Stoney, who has that terrible skin-turning-to-stone disease. Sam’s boss is like sorry, Stoney, you’re done-zo, you have to go live with the stonemen. And Sam is like hold up, you’re a Mormont? My old boss when I was in the celibate-dude-ice-wall-guarding-army was your dad and he was a badass. Also, I had to watch these creepy dudes stab him so I owe your fam. He tries to talk about cures for the Stone disease but his boss is like SHUT UP YOU’RE JUST AN INTERN!

So Sam comes back that night and is like ok would it be kewl with you if I perform surgery on you, Stoney? I am just an intern and I’ve never practiced this before but let’s try it. And then we have to watch a truly disgusting surgical-removal of stone-skin that honestly even writing about it I’m dry heaving.

Arya is still on the road, headed to kill QPC last we checked…

She stops in to this pub to see an old friend name HOT PIE (that’s his real name, not a nickname) who is a wonderful chef. She eats some of his bread and drinks some beer and he keeps asking her questions but she is REALLY EVASIVE and won’t look him in the eye. He asks about Ladyknight, who we know is now working for Sansa full time, but who previously was trying to find Arya too. Arya is like, ya, she found me but then I had to head east to the face-swapping-assassin-training-academy. And he’s like you should check out Winterfell because I know you’re secretly a Stark. And she’s like NO THANKS, the Boltons are in charge over there and I don’t wanna get skinned alive. And he’s like NAW BITCH your bro, Bae, is in charge over there now. Which I guess in all of her travels she still didn’t know this? IDK seems fishy. But then she’s getting ready to leave and is about to keep heading to kill QPC but then CHANGES HER MIND AND HEADS TOWARD WINTERFELL! It was a very sweet moment in the episode and full disclosure I did tear up a little.

WDTSEM? Arya, in her current life as an assassin, has lost some of her humanity, as shown when she can’t even look her old pal in the eye. But finding out that her bro is still alive and that her old home, Winterfell, is in the Starks’ hands again has changed her. After meeting Ed Sheeran last week and his whole crew who reminded her of the importance of home and being with family, she’s finally deciding there are more important things in life than revenge. Which is kind of sweet.

Later, she stops for the night and is trying to stay warm by a fire when her horse starts gettin’ real spooked. Suddenly a pack of giant wolves (which are totally her brand because #stark) surrounds her, and she realizes one of them is her old pet who she set free back in season 1. She’s like hey.... Remember me… we were friends? And the wolf is like ummm… new phone who dis? And she’s like please come with me, I’m headed home. But the wolf is like sorz, can’t. And she says “that’s not you.” IDK if she means this is literally not her old pet or if she’s saying this feral version of you with a pack of wolves is not the wolf I knew. It doesn’t take a TV genius to figure out wolf = Arya and she’s conflicted between her new “feral side” and her old, daughter of a Stark side.

Our last scene is A DOOZY and it takes place on the high seas…

PTT and his sis are headed south with the Sand Queen (SQ) lady per Khaleesi’s instructions. We get a quick scene with her daughters, the Sand Snakes, just to remind us they’re all badasses and then we check in on SQ, PTT and his sis. SQ is like why do you keep your bro around he’s always acting all previously-traumatized. And his sis is like he protects me, but SQ is like you don’t need protection… and she and the sis start touching each other. PTT is like that’s my cue to leave, but just as some hawt SQ on PTT-sis action is about to go down, their ship is under attack. PTT and sis head upstairs and it turns out their crazy Uncle has come to find them! 

He sets all of their ships on fire and is tearing through all of their armies. The Sand Snakes put up a fight but sadly are taken out one-by-one. SQ is captured and is like, please kill me, but they do not. Then PTT’s sis and uncle go head to head. PTT’s sis is a major badass but uncle crazy-pants has craziness on his side and also captures her. He’s holding her hostage, about to cut her throat, so PTT is like ummmmmm….idk what to do. He’s clearly having some serious PTSD, so rather than make any decision, he jumps off the boat. His sis seems v v disappointed because she was literally just bragging about how he can protect her. He survives but is last seen floating sadly, watching all of their ships burn and his sis get taken away…

WDTSEM? Remember last week when uncle crazy-pants came to see QPC and bragged about having 2 hands? Well he promised to bring her a gift, and while my initial guess that it would be some sort of dragon-horn was probably off, it seems like the gift he’s bringing are these hostages. He now has the Sand Queen and PTT’s sis, both of whom are v powerful players. Having them to bargain with will be very helpful for QPC, assuming that’s the plan.

Final thoughts:

This ep was actually pretty great, minus the disgusting amateur surgery scenes! The fight scene at the end clearly had a huge budget and it showed- the fiery sparks throughout the entire scene were so cool and we’ve never seen much fighting-at-sea (with ships v. ships instead of ships v. land). The CGI people really did a bang up job if you ask me! #nerdalert

Biggest surprise this ep: I did NOT see that whole attack at the end coming! Also, everything is happening so fast! Everyone is learning about everyone else so quickly. I feel like in past seasons it would have taken us 2 eps at least to get something in the mail but now the mail’s coming 2-3 times an ep!

Biggest letdown:I was hoping, based on the preview, that Bae would really come for Littlefinger and squeeze him real good, but he was pretty gentle. Shoulda known because Bae is not one to strangle willy-nilly but DAMN I am sick of listening to Littlefinger.

Important fashion moments: Khaleesi’s shiny black get up was pretty great and I’m coming around to Sansa’s weird chain necklace.

Who died this ep? The Sand Snakes (RIP) and a bunch of Iron-Islanders (PTT’s people) and probably some Dornish people too (SQ’s people)

Thanks for reading, tell your friends! Check in next week!