#putting myself in her shoes I wouldnt forgive her either as of the moment and I find it very brave

[mazojo]

Can we take a moment to preach for this moment because it was probably one of my favorite scenes from this season?

You are not obligated to forgive someone.

Akito left Rin mentally and physically scarred and no one gets to decide when the abused person gets over their own trauma. Meanwhile some characters could forgive Akito and move on sometimes the scars left run deeper and the person isn't obliged to “get over it”.

Rin has always been one of the strongest characters in fruits basket and this just goes to show how real and raw her emotions are, healing is a process of time and I think it was an important message to say at the end.

A victim decides when to forgive and if they decide not to, its their own healing process and we respect that.

[child-of-thedarknight]

His Dirty Little Secret

I woke up and rolled out of my bed, slowly shuffling to the bathroom in my dorm as I went for my shower. I turned on the water as I got in, letting the hot water relax my muscles as I attempted to wake myself up for the day. I quickly washed, shaved and dried myself off, putting moisturiser on my legs to make them smoother. I then blow dried my hair before getting dressed. I put on my tights, skirt, shirt, tie and my school shoes that had a little bit of a heel on them. I made sure my skirt was higher than the school rules allowed, then I curled my half black, half red hair. I then grabbed my school books and bag, and went downstairs for breakfast.

I walked in and saw my brothers all sitting at our house table. I went and sat with them grabbing a green apple and pouring myself some pumpkin juice for breakfast. "Why do you always only eat green apples Emma?" My brother, Jackson asked. "Because red apples taste funny. That's why." I replied, pulling out my potions homework that was due today. Snape would kill me if I didn't have it done. As I was about three quarters of the way through, my bestfriend Ashleigh walked over and said she needed to talk to me. I got up, grabbed my book bag, and followed her out. We went back to her common rooms and sat down on her bed. "Help. Dilemma. Make up crisis. Sebastian wants to take me to Hogsmeade as we have a day off and I am useless when it comes to makeup. Please help." She pleaded. I sighed and went through her make up, thinking of what would work, trying to match it up with her outfit. I eventually decided on a smoky cut crease for the eyeshadow, winged eyeliner, a light foundation and blush, and a dark pink lipstick. I did her eyebrows, helped her change out her nose stud for a nose ring, and then she was ready to go. I also quickly put on a deep purple lipstick and did a smoky eye for me. "Thank you so much Emma. What would I do without you?" She asked. "Probably die." I replied as we laughed. I heard the bell toll, signaling my first class of the day, Herbology. I quickly hugged Ashleigh, wished her well on her date, and rushed to the greenhouses.

"Greenhouse Three today guys." We heard Professor Sprout yell out from behind us. We had Herbology with the Ravenclaws, so I paired up with my bestfriend from Ravenclaw, Amy. "Girl you are gonna get in so much trouble with Snape for your skirt today." She informed me as we sat down. "Incase you haven't noticed babes, I really don't care." I replied as we completed our task. We then parted ways as I headed off to Transfiguration and she went to Ancient Runes. I successfully turned my turtle into a teapot, and got ten points awarded to my house. As soon as the bell rang for lunch, we were up and out of there so quickly. I rushed to the Great Hall, wanting to get a seat with my brothers. As I sat down next to Freddie, I noticed a certain blond Slytherin staring at me from across the hall. "He is staring at you again little sis. Can I deal with him?" asked Freddie. "Nahh. I can handle him." I said as we ate our lunch and talked about Quidditch and the team trials that were coming up. I finally agreed to try out for the team beater and then headed off early to my last class of the day, Potions.

As I was waiting outside for Professor Snape, Malfoy and his gang came and stood next to me. He clicked his fingers and they all went and did something else. "Sit next to me in Potions today. We need to talk about certain things." He demanded and walked off before I could reply. I sighed and went in as Snape walked in. I took my seat at the back of the classroom and Draco came and sat next to me. We received odd looks from others, but between his cold stare and my resting bitch face, they all looked away. "Today, we will be doing theory work with who you are sitting with. By the end of the lesson, you will be able to tell me the uses of Wolfsbane, Draught of Living Death, and Veritaserum. Understood?" Snape drawled in his monotone voice. We all nodded and got to work. "Want to explain to me what the hell you are doing wearing your skirt that short?" Draco hissed at me as I started writing down the uses of Wolfsbane. "I wear it like this everyday, Malfoy. You know this." I said as I rolled my eyes. Draco let out a sigh of anger as he started writing down what we needed as well. "How about why you were with Zabini last night, past curfew? I know you weren't studying." he queried. "How do you know I was with Zabini? Also, what I do with my life is none of your concern. If I wanted to have fun with Zabini, I could. You don't control my life Draco!" I whisper yelled as I got up, handed my finished essay and my homework in, and left to go to my dorm. I was so frustrated with Draco at the moment. Honestly, who does he think he is? Thinking he can control my life and what I do. I got out of my school uniform and changed into my black ripped skinny jeans, my Machine Gun Kelly shirt, Rap Devil hoodie and my combat boots. I put my hair into two braids, and put on my EST 19XX bandana. I grabbed my firebolt and my wand, going out into the corridors before mounting my broom and flying out of the window.

I flew around the castle, over the trees of the forbidden forest, and then to the Quidditch grounds, where I lazily floated in the air, casting random spells and practicing for our charms quiz later this week. After about half an hour of flying around, another person joined me. I looked over to see the ever so annoying Draco Malfoy flying next to me. I rolled my eyes, not ready for another argument with him, and slowly started flying away. It started to drizzle as I was flying around so I decided to just take it slow. Malfoy was still following me, which was making me even more pissed off. "And what in the world could you possibly want now Malfoy? Haven't you got Pansy to go and be with?" I asked him, letting my anger seep through my words. He looked shocked, but quickly recovered as he replied with a witty comment. "I really don't want to be around that clingy bitch. I would rather annoy you to the point of breaking." I sighed and flew down to the ground, heading off towards the castle. "We aren't done with our talk yet little miss." He yelled as he sent our brooms to their respective places, picked me up, and apparated to his dorm. "What the bloody hell are you doing you numpty?" I questioned as he cast the Muffliato charm on his dorm. I rolled my eyes at the fact that of course the Prince of Slytherin got his own dorm, and went and sat on the couch. He walked over to his bed, took off his shoes, socks and his jumper, loosening his tie before lying down and motioning for me to join him. "I'd rather not thanks." I said icily as I turned back to the fire and continued to stare into it. I heard him sigh loudly in annoyance before he went quiet. After an hour of nothing being said between us, I sighed and finally joined him on the bed after taking my shoes and socks off.

"Why aren't you talking to me anymore Emma? We used to talk everyday before the holidays, and now you are just ignoring me and swanning around with other guys that aren't me. What's going on?" He asked me as he put my hood of my jumper down. I looked at him and saw that he truly was hurt, but I honestly did not feel sorry for him at this moment. "You know what you did Malfoy. You know why I'm not talking to you. You don't control my life, and if I choose to go around enjoying myself with other men, then I can. And you can't stop me Malfoy. It was YOU who made the decision to join in with your stupid friends when they gang bashed Jason. It was YOU who had no intention of stopping them. It was YOU who I thought would have the common sense to realise what you were doing. But you didn't. You fucked up. You just can't accept that. So no, I will not stop messing around with Zabini or anyone else I want to." I finished my rant and wiped away the tears that I wasn't even aware were falling down my face. I went to go get off the bed and leave when I felt Draco's hand wrap around my wrist and pull me into a hug. "I am so sorry for what I did Emma. I know I can't fix it. I know that what I did was irreversible and I can't take it back. If I could have done anything to help, you know I would have. I am so sorry for what I did and I want you to forgive me so bad. I know that you hate me right now and I shouldn't be trying to control who or what you do. I just want us back. I want you to be mine the way we were before I fucked up. Please Emma. Please give me one more chance." he started trembling as he spoke and I knew the tears were going to start soon. I pulled back from the hug and wiped his tears. I noticed he had rolled up his sleeves, and when I looked down I recoiled from his touch as if it had suddenly become acid and was melting my skin. He noticed and then realised why I had.

"HOW COULD YOU DRACO?! YOU PROMISED ME YOU NEVER WOULD. YOU SAID YOU WOULD RATHER DIE THAN GET THAT DONE!" I yelled as I got up an went to leave. "NO! DON'T YOU DARE WALK AWAY FROM ME EMMA! I HAD NO FUCKING CHOICE! HE WAS GOING TO KILL ME IF I DIDNT. I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU, BUT YOU JUST WOULDNT FUCKING TALK TO ME. IT'S BAD ENOUGH BOTH OF OUR FATHERS ARE WITH HIM. IT'S EVEN WORSE THAT NOW WE BOTH HAVE OUR MARKS!" He yelled as he grabbed my arm and pushed up the sleeve of my hoodie. I ripped my arm away and glared at him. "DON'T YOU DARE BRING MY FATHER INTO THIS! I SWORE WHEN I TOOK THE MARK THAT NO ONE WOULD KNOW. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME AND MY BROTHERS TO HIDE IT FROM PEOPLE? YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN THE SCHOOL THAT KNOWS DRACO! SO DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO TURN THIS ON ME!" I retorted. His face was red with rage as he tried to think of a reply. I was so prepared for him to yell at me, so when he kissed me, I was shocked. This wasn't the slow, gentle kind of kiss either. This was the rage filled, passionate, demanding type of kiss that sent shivers down my spine. He picked me up and threw me on the bed, climbing back on top of me as I threaded my hands through his hair. He bit my bottom lip and I moaned into the kiss. He took this opportunity to slip his tongue into my mouth as his hands slowly trailed down my body, sending electric shocks through my body wherever he touched me. He pulled my hoodie off and discarded it somewhere in the room, along with my shirt. I loosened his tie enough that I could pull it off, before ripping off his shirt, buttons flying everywhere. He smirked at me before dipping his head down between my breasts, leaving kisses all over my chest as he unclasped my bra and threw it somewhere in his room.

He took one of my nipples in his mouth and started sucking on it whilst playing with the other. I moaned when he bit my nipple as it sent a pleasurable pain through my body. His hands trailed down as he came back up to kiss me, undoing my belt in the process. He took of my jeans and my panties before I flipped us over and took control. I took off his belt, jeans and boxers, and threw them somewhere in his room, not really caring right now. I looked up into his lust filled eyes as I slowly made my way down to his cock, leaving love bites all over his hips as I went. I licked and sucked on the tip, keeping eye contact the whole time. Draco moaned out in pleasure, and I was glad he had cast that spell. I slowly started taking him in, inch by inch, until I had all of him in my mouth. I bobbed my head up and down as Draco laid back, moaning in pleasure beneath me. I pulled off and slowly licked him from base to tip, tasting his precum before going back down. I went faster and faster as I started pumping him as well, trying to get him to his climax. "Ahh. Shit. Emma! I'm g- gonna --" He emptied his load into my mouth before he could finish his sentence. I swallowed it all and licked him clean before showing him. "Holy fuck." He whispered as I moved on top of him. I smirked and then giggled as he rolled us over so he was on top.

He slowly started kissing down my neck, sucking on a few spots to mark his territory. I moaned as he found my sweet spot and I felt him smirk against my skin. He continued sucking on that spot, leaving a dark purple hickey on my pale skin. He then continued his journey down to my core. He kissed my inner thighs, and made his way up to his destination. He licked a long strip up my heat as I let out a long, loud moan. He put my leg over his shoulder and then put his tongue inside my heat. I was in heaven. He slowly started working his fingers in as well as his tongue and it felt so good. I was moaning and biting my lip, trying not to scream out from the pleasure that I was receiving from him. I threaded my hands through his hair and was tugging so hard, I was surprised I didn't rip his hair from his scalp. Draco started to rub his thumb against my clit and within a few seconds, I reached my climax, moaning out Draco's name as I came down from my high. I pulled him up and kissed him long and hard. I then put his fingers in my mouth and licked them clean. Draco groaned at the sight, and his eyes darkened even more. "Fuck me Draco. Now." I demanded as I laid down on his bed, stretching out on his silk sheets. That was all Draco needed to lose all control. He slammed into me, hitting my spot right on the first time. I screamed out as he thrusted hard and fast, continuing to hit my spot dead on. Our kisses were filled with passion as our tongues danced and our bodies collided. I was reaching my climax. I could tell that Draco was as well. I tightened my walls around him and he started get sloppy with his thrusts. I screamed out his name as I reached my climax and he did the same as he reached his. We rode out our highs before he pulled out and collapsed on the bed next to me. I tried to catch my breath as he pulled me into his arms, putting the sheet over us. 

"Well, if that's a way to get rid of our anger, I suggest we do it more often." Draco spoke, panting as he also tried to catch his breath. I looked up at him and grinned, nodding my head in agreeance with him. He kissed the top of my head, wrapped his arms around me, and held me as we fell asleep. We would deal with the hell that was to come for the both of us in the morning. But for now. Sleep.

This is so bad. I’m sorry

[myheartdoessink]

angela

im definitely a full believer that everything happens for a reason. there is a reason you came into my life. the life lessons that you have taught me in the last few years is something im going to take with me forever. at many points in our relationship i thought you were the one but with every argument is was followed by maybe this isnt for us. it doesnt matter because no matter what you were to me you had a such a huge piece of my heart and i think you forever will. the text that i read that night i know wasn’t the real angela. when i started to date nathan i think that was a wake up call for you that you need to move on and you were going to do whatever it takes to do it. i wish you would have told me how you were feeling then. i wish you would have told me that you saw something with us and seeing with him hurt you to a point of no return. i wish you have told me anything but you didnt. communition has never been our strong suit but anything would have been better than nothing 

i think this is truly what happened. i think that you told jamie at one point that i wasnt a fan of hers. jamie then, thinking as a manipulative person would, saw it as a game, like a revenge because people like her cant stand when someone doesnt like them and they are going to make sure that they pay. she was coming on to you, and guessing you denied it at first but loved the attention and her company but when you saw me with nathan you were like fuck it. jamie made it a mission to put a bad taste in her mouth about me and paint me in a terrible light. like im some evil person who just used you. i think at some points, it worked. 

you see angela, thats the difference between you and i. no matter any negative things i heard about you, no matter what point in our lives we were, i would never talk like the way you did about me. you were my heart, my soul, my fucking rock, and i truly thought you had my best interest at heart. maybe you did, maybe you didnt, buy after reading what you had said, you absolutely did not. 

i have read those messages so much i can read them to you by heart and to think that was only a few weeks worth? i cant imagine what else has been said or done. 

the night i read them, we kissed.  i dont know if it was just a normal kiss to you but it sent me on a different planet of emotions that i absolutely longed for. i fucking missed you so much. i missed your hugs, your sarcastic humor, your smile, your laugh, your beautiful big brown eyes, (your boobs/butt but that is a given), i just missed you. holy fuck did i miss you. 

i wish i wouldnt have gotten the covid vaccine that day because maybe things would have pan out differently. maybe i would have felt so much better and things would have escalated faster into us making love and maybe it brought back all the good memories we shared together. 

you went out for a smoke and ask me is it was ok. why? you knew you wanted to just to call jamie so why ask me if it was ok? i said i would kiss your forehead on a ventilator to have you just mock me later on to jamie. 

i wanted so bad for us to make love that night. i wanted for you to take a bath with me. i wanted us to have a good night because its been too long since we had one. never in my wildest dreams did i i think i would have discovered what i did. 

i took a bath and you passed out on the couch. i came out shirtless trying to give you all the kisses but you wouldnt budge. i tried to get you to the bed but you also werent wanting that either. now looking back on it is it because you didnt want to sleep in the same bed as me anymore so you could tell jamie you didnt? i dont know but i let you stay on the couch with fri. i went to your bathroom to make sure you had motrin when you wake up, you didnt so i gave you mine and put it in the bottle where you were sleeping so fri or roo couldnt get to it, and then i plugged your phone in. 

i saw that jamie texted you but at this point it was 3:30 am so i knew it my gut something was up. i stared at it hoping and praying it was just going to say “happy new year” or something work related. I tried to let it go but the more i thought about it, the more it was eating me alive so i looked. i shouldnt have looked. i respect you and i respect your privacy but it that moment i was selfish and wanted to know that was happening. 

when i read those messages angela i thought i was in an actual nightmare. i truly did not think that this was reality and i was seeing it right so all i could do was take pictures to know that im for real seeing what im seeing and that im not crazy. im shaking while righting this but i never thought that two people could be so mean and cruel and for what? i didnt do anything to jamie and for you to just go along with it and antagonize her about me at what point? let me take you through some of my racing thoughts while reading:

“this cant be real life”

“this cant be real life”

“i need to wake up”

“theres no way my angela would say this”

“this cant be my manager”

“im going to throw up, i have to stop reading”

and it was. it was my manager that you were having a full on affair with. now i am not upset or was i ever upset about you having a relationship with someone else. would that hurt? absolutely but i would have understood and moved on with some level of respect for you. but for this to happen with my manager? i swear to you i have never felt this type of betrayal and i hope to god you will never have to experience it and if you have, im so sorry. 

i can no longer take a bath, run, do anything or express my emotions/personal and vulnerable moments without thinking they are going to be said to others. youve broken the biggest bond of trust i had with someone and i dont know how im ever going to get that back, with anyone, or ever. 

when i left that night with my mom on the phone it was very clear you didnt care about my well being, you cared about jamie and protecting her. that was made more clear when i saw that even after i discovered the messages, you saw her the next day. 

i was going back and forth if i should tell cori. when reading the ccf policies and with encouragement of my family, i came to the conclusion that it was the best thing for me to do. i was that nothing bad would happen to you which is why i made the decision to go to cori. 

i know you cant see it right now and maybe you will never see it but jamie is a disgusting manipulative selfish human who has absolutely no right to be over seeing anyone. just try to put yourself in my shoes, there is no way i could let this continue any further. i needed out of g100 because i knew if i didnt, things would have gotten so much worse. 

bring it up to cori’s attention has brought on so many mixed feelings. on one hand, im happy i stood up for my myself and used my own moral compass to help. but on the other, i know i hurt you and thats what keeps me up at night crying and eating me alive. my therapist and family said i did the right thing but it feels so fucking wrong. i dont care what happens with jamie (to an extent) but with you, angela when i say that the last thing i ever wanted was for you to get hurt, i truly mean that. ive said it before and ill say it again, i would take all the suffering in the world if it meant that you didn’t have to. 

i dont know when we will talk again or if we ever will, but im writing this with the most heaviest heart, i love you. even though you said those things and you did what you did, i feel like i know the true angela and i forgive you. i hope someday youll find it in your heart to forgive me too. 

i told renata to make sure you’re okay and all i can do at this point is let god and the universe take its course. i hope one day our paths will cross again. 

time heals all wounds. i have to say goodbye for now. 

i love you forever and always sis, 

liz

[thecruciblegavemeyou]

mint chocolate chip

i got bored and i liked this idea so i ran with it. longer than i intended.. could probably turn into something longer. eh (simons pov) 

ao3

simon has a very bad week, and baz makes the mistake of grabbing the last tub of simon’s favorite ice cream

words: 2.4 k

this was the last straw. the last, very short straw of a number of shitty straws i had received this week.

monday

agatha broke things off. for the last time, i think. "si, this just isn't working anymore. we've both known that for a long time. and, well... i think i'm asexual, i dont know. i have some stuff to figure out simon, and i think i have to do this alone."

i could still see her, standing in front of me in the living room. i had romantic candles lit all around the room. and i (penny) made a fancy dinner, that was laid out on the only tablecloth that penny and i owned that i had yet to stain.

she didnt cry, but i certainly did. it was humiliating. i thought we had finally been making it work this time, and i was even going to ask her to move in with me and penny. hence the fancy dinner.

so she left me there on the couch and i spent the rest of the night crying in the tub (with a bottle of red wine).

tuesday

then, because i stayed up all night crying (and very drunk), I missed the bus to class tuesday morning. which meant i had to walk 2 hours to school in the rain while hungover (in a torrential downpour) and i missed my class anyways.

i didnt even get to turn in my paper, because even my professor had left by then. it would have been the best paper i wrote all semester too; instead, i watched the grade be entered as a zero. i tried to email my professor, but i already knew it was hopeless because she was a bitch. and i always fell asleep in class, so i wasnt exactly her favorite student.

by the time penny came around to give me a lift home, i was soaked to bone. i knew something was wrong the moment i got in the car, but i didnt press her. normally penny greeted me with tea, a scone, and a perky hello, but she was as somber as the rain outside.

she didnt say anything for a long time. we were almost back to the flat when she turned the volume down on the radio and turned to me. "hey, simon, do you remember micah?" penny asked.

"what a bloody idiotic question penny, of course i remember your boyfriend. im hungover, not stupid." i snorted, grabbing my sopping wet bag from the back seat.

she killed the engine; she was watching me with that expression of pity, the one she wore every time agatha said she wanted to take a break. "he's moving to london." she mumbled.

"pen, that's great! now i won't have to listen to your skype dates and-"

"we signed the lease for an apartment today." she gulped.

my world was spinning. i stopped walking, "when, um... is he in town? you never mentioned... was this a split second decision? i..." i always knew that penny move move out someday. i thought it would be farther down the road. i'd need to find a new roommate, because there was no way i could continue to afford the apartment penny and i had by myself...

"when are you leaving?" i blurted out.

"i spent today packing. im almost ready to go. micah and i are going to finish packing and moving everything from my apartment to the new one tomorrow. do you want to help?"

"you mean... i only have one day to find a new roommate?" i couldn't help the anger boiling in my stomach. she gave me no warning whatsoever and the rent was due next friday. im not proud of what i did next, but theres no going back.

i stormed into my room and locked it behind me. i couldn't look at any of penny's packed boxes. i didn't even stop when micah called out a greeting. i was too upset, and i didnt really know the guy well enough to let him see me cry. the took turns trying to coax me out of my room throughout the night, penny even went out and bought me sour cherry scones from my favorite bakery across town. i didnt have any appetite.

wednesday

i got out of the house before they woke up. i had work, anyways. thankfully, it had stopped raining sometime last night. unfortunately, the puddles remained. a taxi flew around the curb with no warning and soaked my jeans and shoes (my good jeans).

"bloody fucking merlin and morgana-" i shouted, before the mother behind me hurriedly covered the ears of her toddler.

I made it to the starbucks where i worked, and took in the comforting smell of coffee and sugar and the faint smell of cleaner that was used to wipe down the counters each night. it was apparently the only dependable thing in my life right now.

"sorry im late, trixie, i had a bad morning-" I sighed, grabbing my apron off the back rack.

trixie (my boss) just waved me into her office, "simon?" she was sorting through piles of paperwork and notices, and it took her a moment before she realized i was already in her office.

"so, simon-"

"yeah?" i responded, more focused on trying to tie the apron behind my back. i had terrible hand-eye coordination as is, it didnt help when you took one factor out of the equation. I could smell coffee wafting in from the front, and i prayed trixie would be quick so i could go out and grab a cup for myself.

"we had to make some budget cuts this month, so we have to let some people go... im so sorry, simon. here's your last paycheck."

trixie held out a sad, slumped little slip of paper. i stared at her, barely registering her words. after an awkward minute of silence, i took the check and left the apron draped over the chair opposite her desk. i didnt make eye contact with my coworkers as i left and i prayed they hadnt been able to hear the entire conversation between me and trixie, if it could be called a conversation.

i knew they mustve heard, even if they didnt it wasnt hard to put two and two together.

i shoved the check into my (wet) jeans pocket and made my way towards the flat. halfway home, i turned into the bank and cashed the check, knowing there was no way i would remember to do it tomorrow.

this was turning out to be the worst week of my life.

when i got back to the flat, half the boxes, micah, and penny were nowhere to be found. i holed myself up in my room again, this time having the foresight to take some food back into my room with me. i blasted my music, and kept the door locked again. the lock wouldnt actually keep penny out (there was a key for every room in the house) but if it was locked she wouldnt bother trying to intrude on my sob fest.

thursday

when i woke up, the house was empty. i made my way into the bathroom to freshen up and tried to ignore how quiet the flat was now. penny had even taken a lot of the photos and such with her, but she left most of the furniture (out of pity, i think). her and micah would get to buy all new furniture, together.

on the kitchen counter was a note, a key, and an address. her new apartment was within walking distance still (ten minutes or so). i imagined they were still settling in, and i still had nothing to say to her (i wasn't mad, i was just... not ready). anyways, i needed to start searching for a new roommate.

i went and grabbed my laptop, and settled in on the couch. i ignored the notifications reminding me to study or finish this project or that, and delved into my search. i didnt have class until later tonight, and i didnt have a job to get to either, so i had most of the day free.

i needed to search for a new job, too. there was no way i could afford rent if i didnt have a job, let alone a roommate to split the bill.

i had no idea where to start. i didn't really want to live with a stranger, but i absolutely didnt want to lose this apartment either. it was so close to campus, and i liked being near all the other students. it was ina great part of town, and almost everything i needed was within walking distance. maybe i could ask a classmate if they wanted to move in? it seems a bit short notice, and i imagine that by the end of the first semester everyone already has a place to live anyways.

i was screwed.

i grabbed some take out on my way back home, alone, and spent the rest of the night procrastinating homework and responsibilities. this is why i needed penny.

friday

it was obvious friday was following the same downward spiral when i woke up to a text from agatha, asking if she could come by to talk. she wanted to stay friends and she thought she left a jumper at my place.

i almost fell off the couch at four o'clock, when agatha let herself in to find me in my boxers on the couch.

"oh, hi, simon. didnt you hear me knocking?" she asked, hanging up her jacket and unraveling a scarf from her neck. i could smell her from here. that perfume would haunt me forever. i never really liked that scent. i'd have to light a candle after she leaves.

"no..." i mumbled, trying to be discreet as as tried to get my pants back on as fast as possible. agatha headed straight for my room to look for her jumper. she had no qualms, did she?

"simon, where did everything go? why is the flat so empty?" agatha asked, drawing back the curtains to let some sunlight into my cave. didn't she think this was awkward? why was she acting so normal?

i cleared my throat, "uh, penny moved out. she got an apartment with micah a few blocks down. she sprung it on me this tuesday." i covered the emotion in my voice.

"oh, well, thats great for penny and micah." she hummed and finally found her jumper, which had wound up in my laundry.

she started for the door. i refrained from going after her. i wasnt going to chase her and beg her to come back, not this time. even agatha seemed surprised. she stopped at the door, almost as if to tell my this was my last chance to chase her down and beg for her forgiveness.

i didnt move.

"it was good to see you, simon." she smiled and twisted the door knob, "coffee sometime, okay?"

"no, thank you, though." i said. i didnt miss the flash of surprise in her eyes as she shut the door behind her. i cranked the volume back up, and cried in tune with adele.

come dinner time, i made my way into the kitchen to try and find something to eat.

the fridge and cabinets were empty. all that was left was a jar of curry, a bag of peanuts, and expired milk. i let out a moan. penny always did the shopping.

i peeked at the clock. it was already nine. but i was starving, and i wanted ice cream. i deserved ice cream, after this shitty week. and maybe some alcohol. any type of alcohol.

i tugged on my old Watford sweatshirt and a pair of grey sweats, and dug through piles of crap until i found my wallet.

the store was half empty, and there was only one cashier open still, slowly checking out one old lady who couldnt seem to remember what she was doing. i made my way towards the milk and ice cream first.

i grabbed a smaller milk, because there was no way i would finish a whole one without penny, and it didnt look like id be getting a new roommate yet.

i stopped. there was another boy by the ice cream, grabbing the last tub of mint chocolate chip.

i lost it.

"no, no, no! merlin, no, you dont get to have the last of the mint chocolate chip!" i exclaimed and the guy jumped, spinning on his heel to face me. why was he in jeans, it was nine thirty already? who wears such nice jeans out to the grocery store.

"excuse me?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"if you dont mind, id like that tub of ice cream. i deserve it. i had the fucking worst week of my life. and all i want is to go home, eat some goddamn mint chocolate chip ice cream, get drunk, and pretend im not doing it alone." i shouted. he stared for a minute, before he broke out in laughter.

my face went red, but i didnt back down. i wasnt letting him take that ice cream away from me, i didnt care how gorgeous he was.

"i dont want to be alone, either." he smirked. "but you cant finish this whole tub by yourself."

"then come help me." i teased. i couldnt help it. that smirk was infectious. and he had pretty eyes.

"fine. but youre buying the alcohol." he said, pointing towards the next aisle. he followed me into the next aisle over, and we picked out various bottles of various alcohols.

he didnt make me pay. in fact, he paid for my milk too. and then i let him follow me back to my flat.

"im baz." he said, holding out a slender hand.

"simon."

i dont remember how we got there, but i didnt mind when i woke up on top of baz, stretched out on my couch, with him in a pair of my sweats (those bloody jeans may have been hot but i knew they werent comfortable). i didnt even mind the hangover i could feel coming, or the messy, empty tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream on my coffee table.

not when baz was kissing me, mumbling “good morning, darling,” in my ear.

[ogoody]

My Thoughts

I took the time to write out my thoughts lately. These thoughts will be pretty raw so the grammar and structure might be all over the place. I wrote them on my phone. I’m posting these on my tumblr to live forever

What brings me to writing my thoughts out is I feel I may not be able to fully express my feelings when I actually talk. The ideas are concise in my head but in the moments of conversation on this critical topic of my life, I'm fumbling with my speech because theres so much in my head and so little room for conversation to fully convey my thoughts without getting sidetracked or lost in my own scramble. I'm not good with dates or specifics so details in this may be off by a little but the sentiments are all 100% pure to my heart. I have came to the critical realization of my life over the past approximate 5 years. It has been building with the experiences in those years. I started dating Erica march of 2010. We dated for approximately 9 months. It was my first relationship and I dealt with so many insecurities and made so many mistakes at the time. I should have never let her go, but I did not mature to understanding my behavior and wanting to fix it until it was too late. My whole life, when confronted with immense conflict, I would take on the typical fight or flight response but in the most basic ways. My fight responses where mostly when I could physically fight an issue. I took my flight responses for everything else. I had low tolerance for anything contrary to my beliefs and comfort. I was also very unforgiving of others. These are some of the aspects of my personality that had a major contribution to the biggest mistake of my life back then in leaving her. I realized this about myself fast-forwarding to after my 2nd relationship. I had a short relationship with a girl I used to go to school with. When I'm able to reflect on my relationships post Erica, they were all me trying to get over her, but I never did. My 2nd relationship was one of the more clear indicators of my poor behavior of dealing with issues back then. With my 2nd relationship, it wasn't much longer after breaking up with Erica, that I hopped into that realationship. Around the whole break up with Erica, I was very angry and I wasn't receptive to her until around beginning to date my second girlfriend because I wanted to try and make her feel the pain I felt. I remember feeling down about it the whole time but putting on a front to everyone else like I didn't care and as if I was moving on fine. I jumped into that relationship so fast, I don't even think I ever took my second girlfriend on a date before declaring we were in a relationship. I may have not even taken the girl on a date during the short relationship. I remember Erica talking to me during that time because she never gave up on me despite the verbal abuse I dished out. I cursed her out and made up the worse things I could that I knew would cut deep and hurt her. I remember detailing "love" for some other girl that I really was just infatuated with. I even detailed things with my 2nd girlfriend in hopes to make her jealous. I'm embarrassed by those actions heavily. Going off the embarrassment sentiment, another tangent detail that built my critical realization was the moment, in my opinion, that was the beginning of the end between us. I blamed Erica for everything and felt hatred towards her for everything that transpired for me to break up with her. I had absolved myself at the time despite my actions that most embarrassing night. It was the first time I blacked out from drinking and my actions were terrible. At the time I felt like I should have been forgiven because I blacked out and all the blame should be placed on another individual but when I was able to reflect and put myself in Erica's shoes, my opinion changed. She stayed with me despite the horrific event. I couldn't imagine seeing her behave the way I did and show the same level of understanding and patience as she did with me. I for one had often shown my jealous ways throughout the relationship. Here I was being the one to shake up things despite promising to never be like any of the shitty guys of her past. Had I not blackout that night, maybe I would still be with her. So up til now in this timeline of things, Erica showed me how real her feelings for me where and how much more mature she was. I was clouded by anger and it took me awhile to see. She never gave up on me despite my verbal abuse and even before that and before the breakup, she showed patience with me. I carried on about things between us like it never happened and she was still dealing with the pain I imagine. To me, I didnt do my part at the time and I was the cause for things to get shaky between us. I forgive Erica for any wrong she did during the time and it is not anything I would hold over anymore if we were to get back together. I hope she can fully forgive me as well. Over the years Erica showed me the true nature of her love for me. Through it all she remained by my side whichever way she could. I made attempts to get her back ever since the ending of my 2nd relationship but she was being loyal to her new man. I continued to lust after women in my failures to bring Erica back by my side as my girlfriend. We maintained a good friendship over the years. I used to think we could never be friends if we broke up. I was thinking purely out of jealousy that I wouldnt be able to see her with another man and still think of her favorably. I still cant stand to see her with someone else but I was proven wrong bc I have the same love for her now and much more respect and admiration for her. A small side story I missed that also showed Erica's love for me, was her dropping off a birthday card to me on my car one morning. It caught me by complete surprise. It was definitely another eye opener moment that she still cared for me despite my wrongs. The strongest moment in our history which awakened more urgency in me to get her back by my side was the loss of my brother. The day it happened I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was awakened early in the morning to frantic knocks on my bedroom door. I was always a heavy sleeper and it wasn't the first time I slept through clear commotion of police at the front door. My sister was crying saying to come downstairs she thinks something happened to Krys. As I went downstairs I see my dad distraught trying his best to keep it together while clearly not present as the officers are talking to him repeating themselves. He had a blank look over himself. I asked my sister what happened and she said he died. I collapsed to that stairs in shock and sat there for a good few minutes completely lost. I came back to when my sister and mother went upstairs to my parents room. I followed up shortly after them and when I came to them they were crying in each others arms. They turned to me and collapsed in my arms. I held them for a good few minutes still in complete shock but able to notice they felt so light in my arms. My mom lifted up to go make phonecalls and my sister followed after. I dragged myself to my room and collapsed on the bed letting the tears soak my bed. There was a cold silence in the house when my tears stopped for a brief moment. Everyone of us was laying in our beds stuck in complete silence. I rolled over and reached for my phone and without a hesitation of thought I messaged Erica. The first person I could think of to reach out to in that moment was her. She came by to visit me in the coming days and she showed love and support during that incredibly difficult time. When I came to think of that moment after things calmed down, thats when I realized even more how I needed Erica back. Here she is still by my side, doing more than necessary. She even broke down about the tragedy. I had meaningless dating experiences post this period of time and ive shared my loss with all of them. None of them showed anywhere near the level of genuine care about it. They only ever said sorry about my loss. They didn't ask a lot about it nor see how I was holding up after it. Even my other ex-girlfriend before the incident and other female infatuations didnt show anywhere near the same care about it when they came to hear about it. This woman who dated me for 9 months and dealt with me in my worst behaviors was still here for me in more ways than I could have asked for over the years. She kept showing me the love I know I'll never find anywhere outside of my family. She was also the person I felt most comfortable with because I shared the most true feelings and parts of myself to her over the years. She always got me. The urgency to try and get her back in my life kicked in for me but it was still unattainable for me over the years. Every time I tried to get her back, things would go cold after awhile. It was hard to get her to come hangout with me and conversation would fizzle out. I felt like I was being a burden and adding stress each time so I would fall-back from the pursuit. I was hopeful because there was trouble between her and her boyfriend over the years, so I thought maybe one day she would be single and date me again. I thought that it was best for me to keep reaching out from time to time so she wouldn't forget me and fully go the distance with him. I didn't want to be the cause for them breaking up, if they would so happen to break up. I wanted her to come to the decision absent of me and feel more so done with that relationship and open to giving me another try. When you have a loss so close to you, you're consumed with death. It seems like it will be forever...I hope not. Everyday when I'm thinking about my brother, I'm thinking about everyone else left here close to me and how I don't want to lose them. I don't want to be angry at people anymore either. I don't want to lose Erica and I sure don't want to lose her or leave this world myself without having rekindled our relationship and showing her how much I love her. I also fear leaving this world with she and everyone else not knowing how much I love her. Another mistake from the time we dated is she never got to meet my family or many of my friends. I was scared my parents weren't accepting of interracial dating so when I told Erica about it, she was terrified to meet them and in turn she was never introduced to them in the light she should have been. Erica only ever met my brother. I one day, when the time is right, no matter how things turn out between us, I will tell my parents this is Erica, the woman who will forever have my heart. Venturing closer to recent times in my realization for the level of my love for Erica, it brings more detail of my dealings with girlfriends and dating. My 3rd and 4th girlfriends were pressed for relationship goals. They wanted to be married so bad that they were pressing to stay with me despite our differences. Erica was the only girl I felt truly liked me for me. All three exes post Erica were extremely distraught over me leaving them. #2 & #3 were to the level of suicidal. It bothered me greatly after #3's suicide attempts, it took me awhile to get back out there to feel available to date. I felt like there was something wrong with me that was doing this to women. Its not til after more dating pursuits and the 4th girlfriend that I truly realized the problem. I was wasting everyone's time all these years. I can not love another woman. All the women I have dated were at impossible odds. I measured them all up to Erica. None of them could come close to making me feel for them like I do for Erica. They have no chance. Its the most sure impossible thing in this world to me. I tried to front about it all these years. My third ex even pointed it out to me one time and I denied it in defense. We were friends for a short while after breaking up. I was mostly friends with her out of guilt because I felt terrible about wasting her time, leading her on and driving her to suicidal actions. She was always inquiring me about my dating life and this was the period of time I just couldn't find myself open to dating. She would insist I try finding someone saying I deserved to be happy. I happened to have been on one of the periods of me feeling hopeful for Erica again and I mentioned it to her. She kind of went off on me about it. She was like no wonder we didn't work. You're still in love with her and I never stood a chance. I denied it for her sake but I knew it was true. I was in a somewhat similar rut after my recent break up. I lacked hope for dating anyone and sure nuff finding love. In this time I was just reflecting a lot. Erica messaged me one day and it clicked to me. There isnt a single person that makes my heart jump when i see their name come across my phone. My heart dropped to a place I never felt before however, when I saw a picture she sent me. She sent me a picture of herself laying on the beach. I noticed a ring on her ring finger and I felt so broken at that moment. I congratulated and said congrats on being engaged. It's easy to portray that excitement in text. But in reality I was in the worst ways possible. Much to my surprise however she wasn't engaged and I was relieved. Everything I've been feeling over the years was all coming to a head. I can't live without her. If she does end up with someone else I won't ever be right. So after all of the pain I caused these women, I finally stopped fighting myself. I cant pretend like I will find another love. It doesn't add up to me. It is simply impossible. You can throw someone viewed by a strong percentage of other people to be beautiful at me, even perceived to be the most all around individual. They can not and will not be able to have me. Erica is the one for me.