#putting awat trauma

[mycptsdstory]

I just want to put all of this trauma away, so I can live my life. That's it, that's all I want.

[rise-my-angel]

what did you think about the ending of tlou?? and are you excited for season 2?? would love to hear some of that wonderful Mimi insight!! ☺️☺️

Okay, so I consider this season a closed story much like the original game. A story designed to end where it ends and the actions in front of us exist in their own merit and not that of future set up or outside sources. Meaning I do not consider events included in tlou2 to be canon, and I also don't take whatever neil/craig/usually game voice actors say about the show as truth or canon either. Beacuse a lot of what they say is purposley trying to make you think these events will lead naturally to what will be season 2 which is the second game.

I disregard the second game because I think it is completely illfitting to this universe story that forced characters to change to make it fit. And so, I am only looking at this show soley on the same way I did the first game. As its own unique thing that does not need a sequel.

That being said, (under a read more cus God forbid i make a post about this show thats not 8 thousand words long)

I love how the hospital events were framed not as tense and brutal, but painful and emotional. When the game came out everyone talked about how crazy that sequence was, but here its so interesting that its flipped. In the game you play this out yourself so you end up putting your emotions onto the scene but here we're forced to endure that this Joel isn't fueled by anger but a gut wrenching desperation. And the new added context that Joel losing Sarah drove him to attempt suicide paints it in a new light as well as direct confirmation that Ellie was not told anything and was drugged against her will.

Joel isn't just saving himself. He told Ellie JUST before they got seperated that he was so sure he wanted and was ready to die, but by some miracle, he flinched and lived long enough to heal and find purpose through her. Joel sees Ellie's pain. And he realizes, that Ellie has been manipulated into thinking that she has to do this and her own trauma might be used against her. Its why he doesnt respond at Marlenes comment to ask what she would choose.

Joel knows that he healed and that Marlene has not only taken Ellie's ability to flinch awat, but that she is the reason Ellie thinks she is the worlds only hope. Joel knows Ellie can't choose for herself, because Marlene is metaphorically holding her in place. Ensuring she won't flinch.

So Joel knows, he has to flinch for her. And I refuse to say he was wrong in lying because he is clearly not proud of himself for it. But, I think he's waiting. Waiting for Ellie to be more ready, to see that light he fell in love with return to her eyes and then they can talk. Joel wants to heal that guilt in Ellie before they talk about what happened, so that when she finds out the wholw truth, she is ready to accept Joels perspective and not be stuck in this suicidal ideation that Marlene tried to create.

Also, Ellie not only had full plans for what she and Joel would do after (i.e moving to Jackson as a real home and starting to live like a real family with Joel) , but she herself had doubts. In episode 6 she asks with very distant emotion and clear doubt whether or not the vaccine works and she doesn't say any more about it beacuse they and up talking about Sam. Ellie not only didn't sign up to die, she wasn't sure it would work.

I personally think Ellie wanted to finish this at the end, partially to make Joel proud. The things they'd been through, and on multiple occasions she tries to pretend shes stronger then she is (crying after shooting that guy only to wipe her tears away and pretend shes cool about it when Joel comes in the room). She now knows what they have but she wants to make him proud that she didn't give up. She has been quiet and nervous since entering Salt Lake City to the point Joel asks her about it and then when he gently says she can change her mind shes caught. She wants the only father shes ever known to be proud that she saved the world and caught between Marlene telling her it all falls on her shoulders alone.

People seem to mostly agree that Ellie at the end knows Joel is lying, but doesn't push it. But where I disagree is when they say her trust is broken. Its not. I think shes quiet on the way to Jackson because shes upset Joel is lying and she's also trying desperately to figure out what could have happened in the hospital that Joel lies about the entire thing. And I think her saying okay at the end isn't really to Joel.

Its that she decides, it's okay that he lied. It's okay because she trusts that Joel did what he did to protect her beacuse he has always done that from day one. Its why when Joel loses it in episode 1 Ellie has a torn look about her. The only person whose ever defended her like that is Riley but that was in a far more kid vs kid protecting the girl she likes manner. Joel was different then that and even from other adults.

She doesnt know why he did it much like she doesnt know why Joel is lying to her. But it's okay. Beacuse now she knows for sure its not angry or malicious. This time she knows its from a place of love and I think Ellie starts to heal from this point on.

Joel was right to do what he did, he was right to lie to a traumatized child to not add to what he knows is already survivors guilt and I think Ellies trust never wavers.

Ellie knows Joel better in the show then the game because they open up to each other much earlier and theres much more new added context to it. Theres no distrust here.

The lie isn't a set up for future problems. The lie is Joel wants to keep the worst from her until he's sure she isn't still trauma ridden and Ellie not only decides she still trusts Joel. But I think she understands why Joel lied and it only serves to strengthen it.

Shared traumatic experiences do not tear apart. It bonds peoe together.

Last thoughts: I think the flashback with Anna is legitimate but I think Marlenes flashback is purposley scued memory to justify her actions in present day. I don't think the umbilical cord conversation happened at all. I think Marlene is inventing things to eellivate the guilt of her own monstrous actions. Also I apply real world science here because its fun, and I can say for sure no amount of experiments or tests on Ellie could produce a vaccine. Its impossible and fungal infections do not act the way viruses or bacterial infections do. I think Marlene is just desperate to win a losing war and by doing this I think she is not evil but has genuinly deluded herself into thinking that she can do the impossible. And I think she purposley found the only doctor who agrees to do this, because absolutely no doctor or scientist worth their salt would think Ellies immunity had anything to do with making a cure and his moral corruption to kill a child is far more monstrous then anything Joel did all season. So the vaccine in my opinion is bogus, I think its just the delusional actions of a group of failed rebels clinging to any power even if its just having power of a childs life. Its all bogus. The first two episodes started clearly that by the time the outbreak happened, not only was there absolutely no evidence of a cure or vaccine possible, but on outbreak day they didn't even know that the cordyceps jumped the species barrier. There is no cure.

But society is already healing. Jackson is proof that its not power or control that heals. It's love. Love and respect. Funny enough the only other place that works is Boston, which tells me that its not FEDRA itself thats the problem, its the individuals in charge. We see it in Kong in episode 7, FEDRA sees thenselves exactly like the fireflies do. But they are both wrong. Beacuse its not with violence and command does Jackson work, its community and freedom. Hell even the indigenous couple proves that. There wasnt even any animosity for Joel pointing a gun at them beacuse they all understood that the way normal peolle survive is through supporting eachother. The man immediately apologizes about being dismissive of his brother because support is what holds life together.

Summary cus I talk too much: I don't consider any future games, existing sequels, or future seasons to be canon. The Last of Us was never intended to have a future. It was a closed story of healing through love and I think the show showed this between Joel and Ellie better then the game did and thats where I'd prefer the story stay.

(.......ignore that my longest series is literally me continuing the story....i didnt base my story off the cycle of horrifc theme of hate and vengeful violence based on the Isreal/Palestine contlict I continued the theme of healing through love so im allowed to write more of this story beacuse i didnt decide that the story about love triumphing hate and violence ends with love causing hate and violence.....)