#pushing my simon had braces as a kid agenda

[whumpbug]

hi hi hi I am working on your misc questions but I want to return the favor so your your BOYS i have. an interview.

For them all, what song are they listening to right now?

For Archie and Simon, what is one underrated quality they adore about the other?

For Gene and Cassidy, beyond all of their rivalry, are they worried about the other? Why?

For Archie and Cassidy, what's something about the world that gives them joy, even if it's small?

For Simon and Gene, what's something they do to make them feel like they're younger? Being a caretaker, or the adult, is hard. How do they destress?

and some lil this or thats:

For Archie, sitting under the stars or under the sun?

For Simon, date nights at home or out in the world?

For Gene, luck or fate?

For Cassidy, is the glass half full or half empty?

i hope this isn't too many but I am enthralled by your sillies and I will read anything with utter glee!!!!

seth it is never too many. if anything there aren't ENOUGH questions /hj (i don't mean to pressure u into asking more tho)

these are genuinely some of my favorite questions ive been asked UGH u know just what to ask seth these are unbelievably good. u know the drill. extremely long post incoming because these sillies are everything to me.

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what song are they listening to?

ok im going to give real answers for simon and archie but since i don't really know what songs were like. around. in the 1860s, i'm going to give a song that describes gene and cassidy's Current Mental State instead and the lyric i think encapsulates it best (i'm sorry in advance)

simon: "light my fire" by the doors

archie: "good old-fashioned lover boy" by queen

gene: once more to see you by mitski

lyric: but with everybody watching us, our every move / we do have reputations / we keep it secret / won't let them have it

cassidy: "hello it's me" by todd rundgren

lyric: you know that I'd be with you if I could / i'll come around to see you once in a while / or if I ever need a reason to smile

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archie and simon: what is one underrated quality they adore about the other?

archie:

archie is absolutely, positively, utterly, obsessed with simon's smile. and not the fake, practiced one he gives to strangers when making small talk or when he's trying to lighten the mood with patients. his real smile.

archie loves how slight it is, yet still somehow brightens his entire face. he loves the way it reaches his eyes with that subtle crinkle near his cheek. he loves that simon's teeth are just the smallest bit crooked, like he didn't wear his retainer as much as he should have as a kid. he loves the way it is usually accompanied with a snort-laugh. and he loves that he practically gets it all to himself.

simon:

i don't think theres a single part of archie body or personality that doesn't captivate simon in some way. if you asked him this, he would struggle to answer because how can he when everything is just so. perfect. but, his answer would ultimately be archie's eyes. they are the color of a stormy sea, yet somehow the warmest eyes simon has ever had the pleasure of looking in.

when they first met, simon would find himself staring at them far too often. he played it off like he was checking for neurological function, but i think archie knew. simon's wishes he could swim in them, they're just so lovely.

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gene and cassidy: beyond all of their rivalry, are they worried about the other?

short answer: yes. very much yes.

cassidy:

cassidy had been worried for gene since they met, but the reason has long since changed.

at first, he was worried about his views. he found him to be extremely disillusioned about the world. he didn't understand how someone could be so "passive" and still claim to care about others, and this worried him because he knew gene's inaction would lead him to a tough spot one day. the worry was masked by frustration.

then, it changed. when he saw that gene actually did put in the work to help his people (e.g. working late hours to break up bar fights and get people home safely, making sure the orphanages and churches were well funded, even if it came out of his own pocket, etc.), he began to think, ironically, maybe it was too much. he worried about gene stretching himself too thin, and being used by people (haha. take a look in the mirror bud.)

gene:

god. not a day goes by that gene doesn't worry about cassidy.

gene, being the deputy, has had a few run-ins with montana, and that is enough to get a sense for the kind of man he is. he is mean, cold, and not afraid to pull all the wrong strings to get what he wants.

if it wasn't for meeting him face to face, i think gene would still have a sense of him by the the way cassidy reacts to certain things. gene notices that cassidy is jumpy, and flinches whenever he so much as raises his voice (thought he tries his hardest not to). he notices that cassidy doesn't like eating in front of others. he notices that he closes right up whenever gene asks about his past. he notices that sometimes, he keeps his head tilted down so the brim of his hat can hide the deep bruise around his eye.

he worries that cassidy will never escape that man.

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archie and cassidy: what's something about the world that gives them joy, even if it's small?

archie:

archie appreciates a lot of the littler things in life. he loves when he finds a shirt or sweater that is just the right material and won't agitate his over-sensitive skin. he loves when pets look like their owners. he loves when simon falls asleep in his lap. he loves eating good food.

on a larger scale, he loved seeings acts of kindness. he loves seeing big brothers zipping up their baby brothers' coats and parents carrying their children when they get tired. its things like that that remind him why he fights as vigil-- to preserve happiness.

cassidy:

similar to archie, cassidy loves a lot of little things but specifically when he knows he had a part of it.

he loves seeing the little girls at the orphanage twirl and twirl in their new dresses after he donated a hefty sum. he loves seeing the couple that had their house destroyed in a hurricane raise their baby in the one cassidy and some boys from the gang built from the ground up.

more than anything though? he loves seeing people being kind to stray kids on the street. whether its a store clerk slipping the kid a can of beans or a lawman turning a blind eye when the kid snags a new pair of pants, it warms his heart because that was him. he would have given anything for just a fraction of that kindness.

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for simon and gene: what's something they do to make them feel like they're younger?

simon:

for simon, the answer is quite simple. sleep.

something about curling up, especially in archie's lap, makes him feel safe and cozy like he's a kid again. after a long day of work, it's exactly what he needs. when archie sees that he's overwhelmed or stressed, he'll often just open his arms in an invitation, and simon will completely melt into it. he's most comfortable when archie is laying down as well, that way he can lay his head on his chest and hike up a leg to drape over archie's middle. this man attaches to archie. and then archie is just. stuck there.

gene:

for him, it is definitely when he gets to pamper calliope. something about baby-talking his horse while he brushes every inch of her coat and braids her mane and cleans her hooves thoroughly brings him right back to when he was 15 and working on his father's ranch. he coos at her and feeds her sugarcubes and lets her lay her head in his lap while they both nap under the afternoon sun. its rare that he has a day off, but he'll most likely spend it with her. he loves that damn horse so much.

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this or thats!

for archie, sitting under the stars or under the sun?

it has to be sun. archie adores the sunshine and the way it feels on his skin. its a pleasant warmth that never fails to ground him and leave his head feeling just a little clearer. it drives simon crazy that archie consistently forgets sunblock.

for simon, date nights at home or out in the world?

at home for sure. he is very much an introvert. plus, his work and school requires him to be around a LOT of people. he's quite burnt out when he comes home, and wants nothing more than to spend a night with the person he adores, away from everything else.

for gene, luck or fate?

fate. he believes, in some way, everything happens for a reason. even if its a reason he can't quite understand himself, and even if its a reason he despises. all he can do is hope that his own fate is kind and merciful. it's all he can do.

for cassidy, is the glass half full or half empty?

in his heart of hearts, he'd want to say half full, but he can't. he's seen and experienced so many awful things in his life, and as much as he doesn't like to admit, it takes a toll on him. he puts on this front of a sly, competent, bright fellow, but in truth, he feels hopeless a lot of the time. trapped, even.

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SETH thank you so much for letting me ramble about my darlings. as always, never be afraid to ask more because i look forward to talking about these guys. these questions were AMAZING thank u so so so MUCH!!!!!!!!!

[the-jennnster]

I don’t put down books often

I’m the kind of reader who sits down to really read a book, who will gobble up a good novel in one sitting, who has to be told to stop reading.

But today I started Bill Konigsberg’s The Music of What Happens, and I think that changed.

I met Bill, actually. He came a local literary festival and, because not many people showed up, we actually got to have a discussion about his work. He was funny, insightful, and had great stories. He was legitimately curious about our thoughts as readers, on both this book and his past works, and he seemed to really love being up there and talking to the maybe seven people in the audience.

I’ll admit, I’ve never read anything of his before. I remember seeing Openly Straight in my school library as a kid, never realizing what it was, but after falling in love with books like Simon vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda and What If It’s Us (both by Becky Albertalli, with Adam Silvera working with her on the latter), I thought The Music of What Happens would be similar and just as enjoyable.

I started it today, at about ten o’ clock. I finished one of my exams super early, and pulled out a book to read while I waited for my classmates to finish (it was a small class, and there was the promise of a round of Cards Against Humanity with six other animation students with anime obsessions and dirty humor).

I immediately loved Jordan. He reminded me of myself in a lot of ways.

Quiet unless he’s with his friends, a writer nervous but still eager to share his works with people he cares about, just enough emo to garner jokes about his darkly-colored wardrobe, enough acne and self-esteem issues to be trapped in endless daydreams of finding someone but knowing he stands no chance.

I got absorbed into the story, enjoying the goofy antics of Max and Jordan as they tried (and often failed) to make an old food truck into a culinary masterpiece, learning more and more about each other, running off to have little adventures, and just generally being goofy kids.

The major conflicts of the book, however, don’t stem from the food truck itself (though it most certainly is a conflict).

[Spoilers below the cut.]

Max is struggling to deal with the aftermath of what he’s slowly realizing was his own rape (he’d initially thought he’d just had a really shitty first time, which... he had, but it’s so much more than that) and Jordan is trying to take care of his mother and keep their house, which they’re about $5,000 behind on.

I’m about three hundred pages in, not quite finished, maybe a hundred out from the end.

Up until this point, Jordan and his mother have had a decent relationship. It’s far from perfect, as they’re both still dealing with the aftershocks of his father’s death four years prior, but it’s alright. She’s loving, she’s very alright with his being gay, and, aside from a few moments here and there where she leaves him to his own devices (which, you may be arguing, he’s almost a senior, he doesn’t need constant adult supervision, but... well, we’ll get to that), she’s there for him.

She did have a gambling problem, his friends do make some jokes about his mom being a little crazy, and Jordan and Max’s “meet cute” was thanks to the fact that Jordan’s mom had a bit of a meltdown at the farmer’s market and impulsively offered Max a job (as she felt like she couldn’t handle it), but overall it’s fine. They have a good relationship for a mother-and-son, especially with all the possible issues that could arise out of the things they’ve gone through.

But there is one little thing that caught my attention, a red flag, if you will.

At one point, Max points out that Jordan’s mother often treats him as if he’s the adult, as Jordan is the one responsible for making money, buying groceries, and ensuring bills get paid (after his mother let the mortgage go for several months). Jordan brushes it off by saying “I’m sure everybody’s relationship with their mom looks weird from the outside.”

That made my stomach pitch, just a little. Reading that interaction, having that pointed out. It was familiar to me, a conversation I’d recognized not from one I’d had with others, but from one I’d had in my head time and time again.

I kept reading, certain that it would just be nothing. As Jordan said, people have different relationships with their moms.

And then he went grocery shopping. Shit had been going down with the food truck, he and Max were in a bit of trouble, and Jordan just decided “fuck it, I’m going to get some healthy food because Mom said she wanted to turn her life around and get healthier”. He got home, and his mom immediately brushed it off. She dismissed his trying to help her, and when he tried to argue, she snapped.

She never hit him. She never threw anything, or threatened him, or even said she hated him.

In fact, this was the scene:

She takes a bite of her Twinkie, and a twinge of something goes through my chest. “That crap will kill you,” I say.

She exaggeratedly lies back and rolls her eyes back into her head like she’s becoming a corpse. “Well hurry up Twinkie,” she says.

“Mom,” I say. “That’s so not funny.”

“Oh my God!” she shouts and I am stunned frozen. “I get it! You’re perfect. I’m a total fuckup. I am so far below acceptable and there’s zero chance that will ever chance. I get it, okay?”

The energy in the room shifts, lightning fast. Dorcas barks and scurries out the dog door, like she feels it. I stare at my mom with my mouth open. Words do not come out. I don’t even have a coherent thought of how to respond to that.

She sighs dramatically. Herstrionically. “Forget it,” she says. “Forget I said anything. I’m not me, okay? I’m not myself. I don’t remember the last fuckin’ time I was myself but it was no time in recent history.”

She closes her eyes, throws the remaining bites of her Twinkie down on the plate in front of her, and stands. “Excuse me. I just need to--” And she walks away toward her bedroom. Moments later, I hear her door close softly.

That is what made me put down my book.

In fact, typing that up, it was probably the first time I read the scene with a clear mind. Reading it initially, I likely only got so far as “I’m a total fuckup” before my mind went blank.

If I had been in Jordan’s shoes... I would’ve been holding back tears. I would’ve been gritting my teeth, grinding them to dust to keep myself from reacting. I would’ve felt sick to my stomach, with a massive knot coiling in my gut, stealing my appetite (actually, I do feel that). I would’ve felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under me, as if I’d been pushed from a cliff and was free-falling, landing in icy water, desperately trying to swim to the top (I know how to swim, but suddenly, I can’t remember, it’s too much, the water’s too cold, I can’t feel my hands, and it’s everywhere). My mind would’ve been racing a mile a minute, telling me to prepare for the worst, bracing me for sharp words or yelling. I would’ve flinched when she put the Twinkie down and flinched again when she closed the door. The sound of the dog’s nails scraping on hardwood would echo in my ears unbearably, my hands would be shaking for hours (they were). I would’ve gone to bed feeling like shit, feeling like it was my fault, blaming myself for the blow-up, telling myself to get myself together before she comes to apologize.

Because she always comes to apologize.

She comes to stroke tear-stained cheeks long after it’s over. She comes to crawl into your bed and whisper “I’m sorry, it’s my fault, I’m such a mess, I shouldn’t have done that” until the knot returns and your ears swim. She comes to say “If you had just done what I’d asked” and “I should be a harsher mother, I never follow through on consequences”.

She comes to remind you that, despite what she does, she can always do more.

And she never realizes a word of what she’s saying.

I read that part, and I went back to all the times my own mother has done the very same thing. I put down the book and pushed it away while my hands shook and my stomach roiled, waves crashing in my ears as I tried to block out the memories that purposefully faded each time the sun rose on a new day.

I left the book on a table behind me and went to a computer, playing mindless games from elementary school (she wasn’t like that then, she never yelled) until muscle memory and quick-fingered strategy ruled my mind, pushing it out.

I was still shaking when I got on the bus at one o’ clock, too sickened to get lunch before I left, only wishing to curl up against one of my best friends’ shoulder and ask her “You know how we were talking about too-real stories the other day?”

Because that’s what this was for me.

It was too real.

I’ve read my fair share of “too real” in the past, in fanfictions like “Dirty Laundry” or “my blood is upon me” that tackle the carefully barbed biphobia of family members who “love you despite what you are”.

But those I counted on. Those I planned on. Those I went into saying “I’m reading this to know I’m not alone, to know that there’s a way to live around it, to know that there’s a way to solve it.”

But this... Jordan and his mom... it side-swiped me.

I’ve been home nearly two hours now, and I still have yet to eat (actually, that’s a lie, I had a Klondike bar, because that’s how I cope) or continue the book thanks to the pit of anxiety in my stomach, because I was so surprised by the familiarity of that situation that it took me totally off-guard and threw me back into things I cared not to remember. 

I love this book. It’s amazingly well-written and tackles concepts besides “being gay”.

But please, I’m begging you.

Know what you’re getting into when you read it. Rape (never portrayed explicitly, though discussed) and a borderline-bipolar/abusive mother are at the forefront of this book’s story.

Don’t get side-swiped.