#purplebubblywitch

[purplebubblywitch]

Astarion's Journal

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Hey everyone, Last time, I wrote a letter from Cazador's perspective. To better understand this letter, make sure to check out my first fanfiction. Letter from Cazador If you like it, please let me know I'm not sure if I should keep writing more. So, what do you think? ❤️ ____________________________________________ To Cazador, I can hardly believe I’m writing this letter, but here we are. After our fight, when I found your… well, let’s call it an oddly obsessive love letter, I was furious. I won’t lie. But Tav suggested I should respond. Not that Tav always has the smartest ideas, but at least Tav managed to lead us straight to you and ultimately, to your lifeless body. Tav thinks writing down my thoughts might help me heal faster, maybe even start a journal. Normally, I’d scoff, I’m not a 12-year-old nor, for that matter, Halsin. But honestly, if anyone in our group is the journaling type, I’d have bet on Wyll. He looks like the sort who’d dance his feelings out, probably looking like a spider in a fire while doing it. No one’s got the heart to tell him he’s a terrible dancer. I wanted to, but Lae’zel gave me a look that said everything. Anyway, back to the journal. Who even has time for one? We’re here to kill an Elder Brain, after all. But speaking of Halsin, Tav handed me his old journal since we couldn’t find a blank one, so I tore out some pages and claimed it. We found it in Grove, and he hasn’t missed it since. I’d call that a cheeky solution. He can go hug some trees if he’s feeling out of sorts. You should  have seen how well I can imitate him! But let’s get to the point, Cazador. Every time I say your name, Tav tells me I sound like a hissing cobra. Where was I? Ah, yes. your stupid letter. Let me start by saying this: I am not a victim. You were the victim, Cazador. You never managed to break free from your own twisted cycle. And even though every part of me despises you, I almost pity you. No one was there to help when we killed you, and no one will miss you. It’s as if you never existed. No power, no love…nothing. While I may have first manipulated people out of fear, they’re with me now by choice. They believe in me, especially Tav. It’s hard to believe, but they actually love me. That’s something you never had, not even at the end. And that’s why I’ll always be more than you ever were. I mean, I’m alive. I survived, and you’re dead. What more could I want? Well, besides killing this wretched Elder Brain. And I’ll admit, I savor the thought that, in your final moments, you were penning that ridiculous letter, thinking I’d come to you driven by fear as always. It’s a delightful thought, realizing just how much power I had over you. I have my body and my life back. And yes, you were right…I have trust issues, fair point, but I have all the time in the world to rebuild that trust. And I will trust again. By the way, boiling down Vellioth’s skull and stuffing his rules into his mouth? Hilarious. I briefly thought about what I could do to you, but I’ve decided you’re not worth any more of my energy. This letter will be the last thought I give you. I will heal, slowly. Sure, you’ll haunt my dreams, but time heals everything. Even if I could’ve done without your “special treatment,” it made me the person who’s ready to take down an Elder Brain. Now I have a reason to fight again. You were always driven by fear, you poor, pathetic thing. So, what can I say, darling? Rot in hell. Oh, and by the way, I drank your wine and sold your art. Your taste was always abysmal. Astarion P.S. Halsin just walked by and noticed his old journal. Said it looked “familiar.” I guess I’ll find somewhere else to write next time.

[purplebubblywitch]

________________ Astarion’s Journal: Shadows of Freedom

(For better understanding please read my fanfics before :) Link ) Dear Halsin's Journal,

I still find it strange to write in this book, but damn it, I’ve started to enjoy it. Yesterday, we were at a tavern, celebrating Cazador's death, it was Karlach’s idea. At first, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted it. I’m living in fear for years because of Cazador, and now I’m free? Really? Just like that? And yet... I feel empty.

Like I don’t deserve to be free from all that horror. I feel like some hunted animal that’s run for so long, and suddenly, there’s no one left chasing me. Every shadow’s still filled with fear. My fear.

But I’m trying to get over it. So we went to the tavern, and holy hell, Karlach can drink! Maybe that’s how she slaughtered people in Avernus, drank them all under the table. After three pints, Gale decided to launch into a monologue about his escapades with a goddess. I mean, yeah, it’s a flex to sleep with a goddess, but if you bring it up too often… you know? Though, when he started on some strange magical sex positions, I’ll admit I suddenly got interested.

Shadowheart sat in the corner, looking like a pissed-off black cat, obviously annoyed by all the rowdy people around her. But the real highlight? Watching Lae’zel try to flirt with Wyll. I love her bluntness. Wyll was trying to be polite, friendly even, but when she told him she wanted to “suck him dry,” he spit his drink right into Shadowheart’s face because she was sitting right across from him. Her expression? Priceless.

And Halsin? He said something about “following his nature.” Whatever that means. But I noticed the bartender washing glasses a bit too intensely, all the while making eye contact with Halsin. So, we raised our mugs in a toast to victory over Cazador, and then—obviously—a toast to me. Because let’s face it, without me, we wouldn’t have made it this far.

But that’s not why I’m writing in this book today. What I really need to get off my chest is that in a crowded room, filled with laughter and the clinking of pints, I caught Tav’s eyes from across the room. Everything else went quiet, all I saw were those piercing eyes, swallowing me whole. I heard my own breathing in my head, saw flashes from that first night. Her voice next to my ear. But Karlach’s arm around my shoulders snapped me out of it, and thank the gods for that, because that eye contact was way too intense.

Tav’s been asking me what we are now, but I don’t want to label it. Names bring responsibilities, responsibilities bring rules. I can barely take care of myself, and if I’m honest, I’m not even good at that. I don’t think I have room for someone else, you know? The worst part is, Tav only seems to see the good in me. But I’m no saint. I’ve done awful things, okay, I did them to survive, but still. When you’re in need, there are two kinds of people: the ones who give everything to help, and ones like me, who keep everything for themselves. I’m not boyfriend material. I try to show this to Tav, but this person is so damn understanding, it drives me crazy. I want Tav to see all of me. Not just the charming mask I wear.

The truth is, I’m not sure if I even deserve love. I’ve always had to earn trust and affection, but here’s Tav, willing to give it freely, and it feels both incredible and completely wrong.

Also, I’m still pissed that Cazador wrote that twisted letter about trust issues. I’d kill him a second time for that alone.

P.S. I think Halsin took that woman into the forest. I heard her moaning, “Oh yes, give me the bear!” What the hell does that even mean?! _________________________ I couln't sleep so I wrote another fanfiction. I Hope you like it ^.^