#publishing early cause I have a different fic for thursday

[twosomeofcuteness]

Chapter 4 - Witches and Bitches (In which Jenna might just start to accept her new name)

She pulled it over Jenna’s head in one swift movement, making quick work of Jenna’s bra before tossing both items aside. “You won’t be needing those for a good while,”

[justsomewhump]

Dirty Little Sessions Ch. 9 (Epilogue)

Note: This is the last chapter. There is going to be very mild physical whump here, but we’re also dealing with rape aftermath, so if you’re in for emotional whump both for Killian and for Emma, and are ok with reading about self-harm, then you can go ahead. I’ve done some research on the field, so I hope I get their reactions right - it’s not gonna be an easy path for them. Also yes, sorry, but there is magical healing. I have to stay true to the characters, and with Emma having magic that makes healing so simple, she wouldn’t take a lot of time to make Killian’s wounds disappear… albeit only his physical ones.

That said, I want to thank you all for you enthusiasm and dedication to this story. As it is my first foray into whumpy fics, it meant the world to me to get positive response. It literally started with simply publishing one chapter I wrote on a whim and it got crazy on Tumblr after that. I appreciate every single review I’ve been given and my words will never be enough to express my appreciation. Just, thank you all :)

For the purpose of this fic, let’s say it takes place before season 6B.

Tagging @killian-whump, @cocohook38 and @harryandthecambridges

Ch. 1 Ch. 2 Ch. 3 Ch. 4 Ch. 5 Ch. 6 Ch. 7 Ch. 8

AO3

The first thing Emma feels is Killian’s hand slipping from her own. She wakes up, feeling the terrible kink in her neck and opens her eyes.

As she focuses, she sees that Killian has taken his oxygen mask off and now takes off the butterfly needle on his arm with his teeth. He spits out the thin tube, then puts his hand under the covers and meddles with something on his crotch.

“Hey, wait,” Emma says softly, but is too slow to stop him from pulling his catheter out, causing the sheet over his crotch to stain with urine. Killian looks at the stain and makes a soft whimper, then closes his eyes and starts panting.

“Killian, listen to me,” she says softly.

He shakes his head and covers his closed eyes with his hand.

“Do you know where you are?” she asks.

“Out,” he says simply.

“Yes, you’re out of there. You’re safe, we both are, okay?”

He doesn’t respond.

“Can I touch your arm?” she asks.

“No,” he whispers, still trying to get his breathing under control.

“Okay. Killian, I need you to look at me. I want to try to help you with your breathing, so if you can look at me…”

His only response is to lower his hand to cover his mouth and open his eyes, but his stare is blank.

“Killian?”

He keeps looking at the ceiling without any focus, and Emma realizes he’s probably having a flashback again.

“Killian? Killian, come on!” Her voice raises in volume despite her own exhaustion, but it only causes Killian to breathe harder. “Killian!” she almost shouts, unconsciously touching his arm, and he immediately jerks it away, making a whimpering sound. Once again he covers his eyes with his hand and starts trembling.

Emma freezes. She has no idea how to deal with this, how to help him, and she’s pretty sure she only made things worse. She sits back on her chair, closes her eyes and rests her head in her hands, waiting for him to calm down. She doesn’t know when he will, so she just waits.

A few minutes later, she hears his breathing go back to normal. He lets out a soft groan and she opens her eyes. There are tear tracks on his temple.

“Killian, it’s over. You are safe, okay?”

He nods and opens his eyes, red-rimmed and bleary. He’s still pale, the bruises on his face standing out.

“Are you alright?” he asks, his voice weak and rough. She didn’t expect any different.

“Yeah, and you are getting better. They gave you some medicine for-”

“What happened?” he interrupts her, and his face shows that he barely registered anything but her “Yeah”.

“You don’t remember?”

“I…” he sighs weakly. “They… took me away and… I slept…”

“Yeah. They got you here and I followed you, them.”

“You weren’t in the ambulance,” he whispers, turning his gaze away.

Her mouth goes dry. He wasn’t supposed to remember that. She opens her mouth to say something, but she can’t think of anything to say.

“You weren’t there, you…” He swallows hard. “How did you get here?”

Now it’s her time to swallow hard and wring her hands together. “David brought me here.”

“Your father is here? How?”

“They used a locator potion to find us, since they couldn’t call our phones and the police had barely started searching.”

“What day is it?”

“Early Saturday. It’s still 5 AM, you can go to sleep-”

“We were there since Thursday.”

Emma nods. “And the police didn’t start searching until Friday night, less than twelve hours ago.”

“But your father found us,” he says, sighing.

She nods again.

“Does he know? What… did you tell him?”

She has to lie. She can’t let him know that David knows. She has to, but her response is too slow.

“No, he doesn’t. He didn’t ask…”

She wants to slap herself. He didn’t ask?

Killian’s breathing is getting heavy again. “He knows,” he says, brokenly.

Emma opens her mouth to speak again, but nothing comes out. She lowers her gaze and sighs.

“You told him?” his voice raises in volume and pitch, and cracks as a result.

“No. I didn’t tell him. He… he heard it from the officers and the doctors, I couldn’t stop them…” It’s not a lie, technically. They did use the words “sexual assault” so he would probably find out anyway.

Killian turns his head away and covers his eyes with his hand again. She can see tears running down his cheeks, though he doesn’t sob.

“Please,” he whispers. “I need a moment.”

Emma feels as if he told her to lift a ton of weight. She’s not only too tired to stand up and walk outside, his rejection hits hard. She was only separated from him against her will and he had a panic attack, and now he’s shooing her away?

This thought springs her to her feet and she steps outside without looking back. David has fallen asleep on a bench right outside Killian’s room, a coffee cup loosely held in his hand.

“Dad?” she only whispers, but he jostles awake.

“Emma,” he blinks a few times before adding, “Everything okay?”

“No,” she says simply. “He woke up. He knows that you know that they raped him.” His eyes go wide at her use of that word, but she continues. “He threw me out.”

“Emma, calm down,” he says and stands up.

“No, I can’t calm down!” she whispers with ferocity, trying to get all of her anger out while still conscious of where she is. “I was there with him the whole time, helped him, fed him, comforted him and now he wants me out. Don’t I get to say anything?” She feels her head grow hot with anger, as well as tears run down her cheeks.

David pulls her into his arms and she breathes out hard on his shoulder. His hand goes for the back of her head, and she once again feels the immediate comfort that always comes with the gesture.

“He’s in shock, Emma. Give him some time. I’m sure he appreciates-”

“I need some time too,” she says, her voice breaking by the sobs. “He got angry that you know, as if he’d thought I would never be allowed to talk about what I went through, even if… if…” she falters, her words failing her.

“It’s too early. He may want to share it with someone some day, but it would be his choice. Me not only knowing it, but, seeing it…”

“Oh, no,” she says, pulling away. “He doesn’t know you saw. He just… he asked and I tried to lie, but I failed. He just knows that you heard it from the doctors, so please don’t tell him you saw. He’ll hate you and me and himself…”

“Okay,” he says softly and rubs her shoulders.

A little later the police wants Emma to testify and a therapist tries to talk with Killian.

They tell her there is footage of everything - apparently that camera had been recording the whole time, so she asks what they need a testimony for. Killian is still too shaken to talk about it, let alone in detail as they would probably want it. Eventually, a few more hours are dedicated to her testifying, and even though she’s been on both sides of that procedure in the past, it still wrecks her already tense nerves. She feels exhausted as she walks back to David with their personal effects.

Her coat is too dirty, but their phones are unharmed, as well as Killian’s hook and brace. His clothes, however, are already stained and smell of his release. Emma feels her breakfast threaten to come out at the memory, but once again she swallows it down and folds the bag with his clothes away.

The therapist steps out of Killian’s room, shaking his head at Emma and David.

“Eventually, he’ll have to talk about it with someone,” he tells Emma after she follows him, leaving David behind. “But perhaps it’s too early now, and he will need to fully trust the person…”

“Can’t I be that person?” Emma asks.

“You were there, with him, right?”

Emma nods. “Yeah, the whole time.”

The man sighs. “Perhaps you should consider therapy for yourself as well. Witnessing a traumatic event, especially of someone close to us, can have similar results to actually being the victim of said event.”

Emma blinks and shakes her head. “You mean I may have PTSD as well?”

“There are many different ways the mind responds to a traumatic event. Regardless of its name, I suggest you find an expert to talk to. They have to know how to deal with what you tell them, otherwise you may inadvertently pass on the trauma to them. This is why I believe Mr. Jones should have, besides you, someone professional to talk to.”

Emma shivers. Who is he gonna talk to? She already doubts she’ll have the courage to go to Archie herself, who knows the entire town almost personally, and talk about it.

“Thank you,” she says blankly. The doctor nods and leaves.

Emma enters the room again. Killian is still on his bed, looking at his chest, his blanket up to his neck, as if he’s trying to cover the bruises from the collar.

“I have to get out of here,” he says, his voice still rough.

“You’re still on antibiotics and fluids-”

“I don’t care.”

Emma sighs. “I know it’s early. I think you may be thinking that you’ll never be able to… but you’ll need to talk to someone.”

“No.”

“Okay. You don’t have to do this now. But it will help you feel better.”

“I only want to get out of here,” he almost whines, closing his eyes shut and bringing the blanket closer to his chin.

“We will. Soon. I promise.” She hasn’t actually thought of that. She was so terrified of anyone finding out what happened that she didn’t want to go back to Storybrooke for now, but it would be the wisest choice. Once they cross the border, Emma can heal him and make all physical signs go away. Then they can spend days upon days in their home and not have any guests for as long as they want. And Killian can be back home and feel safe and protected again. “I will tell the doctors to discharge you as soon as possible.”

Too tired to even do that herself, she only tells David to do it for her. He kisses her forehead, and she feels grateful she only slightly wants to pull away from his touch, and he goes to do as he’s told. Emma returns to the room and rubs at her pained neck.

“You should lie down, love,” Killian says.

“I want to stay next to you.”

He points at the bed next to him. They’ve been lucky enough that his room had only one more bed, and it was empty.

“Lie down, please.” She barely hears any plea in his voice but knowing him, she’s sure he’s more worried for her than he is for himself even after what he went through. God, he almost died there, and now he’s worried about her stiff neck.

She lies down anyway, and even the hard mattress of the hospital bed feels like a blessing after she had to sleep on floors and chairs. She remembers then how dirty she is, her vomit from earlier slightly visible on her upper legs, but before she even thinks of going to the bathroom again, she falls asleep.

~

“No! Let me go!”

She hears Killian’s screams from somewhere, and suddenly they’re back in the dance studio, tied down and helpless, until she hears Killian scream again without his mouth moving.

She opens her eyes and immediately looks at her side. Killian is not on the bed, and the bathroom door is open, no light coming out of it. She jumps out of the bed and dizzily rushes out the door. Killian is lying on the floor a few feet away, trembling, with two nurses trying to hold him stable, and David is standing beside them, looking helpless.

“Killian!” Emma shouts. “What happened?” She moves to kneel down next to Killian, whose eyes aren’t focusing anywhere.

“He walked out on his own,” David says. “I- he- I wanted to guide him back but he jolted when I touched him-”

“You touched him?” Emma tells him. “You didn’t even ask?!”

“He wasn’t… I- I didn’t know…”

Emma turns back to the nurses. One of them has lowered her head so that it’s right in front of Killian’s, and seems to be breathing in sync with him.

“That’s good, keep breathing with me,” she says softly. She keeps inhaling deeply, puffing up her cheeks as she exhales and Killian is looking at her, following her instructions. Eventually, he calms down when they pick him up and put him on a wheelchair, rolling him back into the room.

Emma doesn’t realize she has been watching in shock and sitting on the floor until David touches her shoulder. She flinches a little and looks up at him.

“Emma? Sweetheart, are you okay?”

She looks at him, but feels too numb to respond. She lowers her head and David rubs at her shoulder.

“Miss, are you okay?” one of the nurses asks when they walk out. Emma jolts her head up at her.

“What happened to him?” she asks.

“He had a panic attack. We were informed this may happen, but he’s better now. He just needs to rest, and you need to make sure he feels comfortable. It’s possible he may be triggered by any unwanted physical contact.”

“How did you help him?”

“Uh, basic training,” she says. “Some techniques may work on some people, some may not.”

“Could you teach me to help him?”

The nurse’s mouth falters for a few seconds, and she looks up at David.

“Honey, I think you need to rest. Maybe she can tell you later?”

“But what if it happens again?”

“They’ll be there for us. The doctors said they can discharge Killian by noon, so you can sleep until then and then you can ask her. Just go rest, okay? I’ll be careful next time, if he tries to walk out again.”

Emma wants to argue, but the fatigue settling in her bones is almost pushing her back to the bed, her eyelids drooping closed. She nods and walks to the room. She takes one last look at David and is surprised to see the same nurse say something to him, too low for Emma to hear.

Emma feels a shiver run down her spine. Maybe she is going to need help herself, after all.

The rest of the day becomes a hazy blur. David brings new clothes for both of them, plain and totally not something they would wear in any case, but Emma doesn’t care. Killian asks Emma to get out as he’s getting dressed, and she does, until he opens the door a little, without looking out, and calls for her. His left arm, back and hips still hurt too much for him to get dressed on his own, it seems. She helps him put on everything, new underwear, pants and sweatshirt, as well as shocks and sneakers. Killian tries to help himself and looks embarrassed the whole time as he hugs his torso with his arms around his oversized sweatshirt, half-sitting on the bed, wincing as he does.

“I’m going to heal you as soon as we cross the town line, okay?” she tells him softly.

He doesn’t respond.

His eyes light up a little when Emma shows him his brace and hook. This time, he puts it on himself, knowing perfectly how loose to tie it so that it will neither hurt him nor slide off. He definitely looks a little better once he clicks the hook in. It’s strange to see him in a sweatshirt and simple jeans with his hook on, but she’s glad he feels a little stronger now.

They discharge him later, and David follows Emma’s advice to wait by the car.

Emma enters the room one last time. Killian is lying on the bed, having covered himself with the blanket. He would normally need to stay more - his infection has not cured fully and he would look less pale if he stayed longer on the IV… but luckily - and strangely, but Emma won’t complain - the STD tests came out negative, so it’s one less thing to worry about. Emma walks slowly in front of him, keeping a safe distance.

“David will drive us back to Storybrooke. Are you ready to go?” she tells him.

He looks at her, worry creasing his features. “Your car?”

“I’m too tired to drive it now. I had him take it to a parking station for now, but we will reach the town faster with the cruiser.”

“He’s with the cruiser?” Killian asks, and his shoulders seem to relax a little.

She nods. “You can sit at the back seat, and I can sit next to you if you want me to.” That way he won’t have to fear David may be staring at him.

They walk slowly to the car, and Emma feels her heart drop when she realizes he’s limping. Killian’s head is held high, and Emma sees that he tries to ignore all the nurses and doctors looking their way as they exit. Good, so much for Killian having an at least decent experience with the hospital after everything.

David barely looks at them as they enter the car, and doesn’t speak to Killian besides giving him an awkward greeting. Killian zips up his new coat and huddles in the corner of the backseat, not letting Emma touch him. He spends almost the whole journey sleeping and she watching him. He startles awake a few times, then just looks around and falls asleep again.

He wakes up fully on their last stop for fuel and snacks, but doesn’t leave the car, nor does Emma, and he stays silent for the rest of the trip.

When they cross the town border, Emma immediately feels her magic flare up, automatically healing the burns on her wrists and the cut on her palm and almost flashing out of her hands, wanting to heal Killian as well, but he closes his eyes and huddles further in, burying his nose in his jacket. She leans in towards him.

“Would you like me to take us home right now?” she whispers. His eyes still closed, he simply nods. Emma turns to her father. “We’re gonna go home, okay? Tell mom and Henry I’ll be alright and that I love them.” David nods at her through the rear-view mirror, and Emma flicks her wrist.

Her magic develops them and they appear in their house, on the couch in the living room. Killian looks around for a few seconds, and realization dawns on his face. He stands up immediately and tries to limp to the door.

“Wait. Killian,” Emma starts. She walks up next to him but is careful to keep her distance. “Where are you going?”

“Out,” he says.

“Out? Out where? Where do you-”

“My ship. I can’t stay here.” His voice is still quiet and almost sounds flat.

“What? Why?”

“I just want to go to my ship. Please.”

“Okay, okay, wait. We don’t have to walk there.”

He looks at her frustrated. “I…” he starts.

“I’ll just take us there, okay?”

He hesitates, but he nods, his expression still frustrated. Within seconds, they are standing on the deck of his ship. It’s still a little cold outside, the sun setting on the horizon. Killian’s shoulders start shaking a little, and Emma tries to approach him, but he lifts his hand to stop her as he runs to the rail and leans forward, throwing up.

Emma approaches him fast but carefully, making sure he’s registered her proximity to him without touching him. He still shakes a little, looking down where his vomit starts mixing with the water, and sighs. He wipes his mouth with his hand and as he does, he pulls on a wound on his lip and a few drops of blood appear on it.

“Let me heal you,” Emma says.

He closes his eyes, face still down.

“Your wounds are still infected, we would have to go to the hospital again unless I heal you.”

His hand gripping hard on the rail, he nods without opening his eyes.

“I may have to touch you, is that okay?”

There are a few seconds of silence. “Yes,” he whispers finally.

Emma nods, even though Killian can’t see her, and she hovers her hand above his back. Light flares up from her hand as she moves it downward, feeling her magic make work on his wounds. His back relaxes a little at that, as if standing straight was hurting him all this time. She then brings her hand close to his face and sees as the bruises disappear one by one and the few wounds close.

He sighs and opens his eyes. If it weren’t for the slight pale color of his face and his overgrown stubble, no-one would ever suspect something had happened to him.

“Thank you,” he whispers and turns towards her, but looks down at her feet.

“Would you like me to go? Do you want some time alone?”

He shakes his head. “Stay?” he says, softly.

“Okay.” She contemplates asking him if he wants a hug, and she takes a few seconds to try and form the question. She decides to simply open her arms as indication for it. “Can I…” she starts.

Killian closes his eyes, brows furrowed, and thinks for a few seconds before shaking his head. Emma drops her arms.

“I’m sorry,” he says, opening his eyes. “I… I…”

“Don’t worry. Take your time.” Her hand goes to touch his shoulder, but he flinches away.

He takes one step back, still looking down. “I just want to lie down,” he says and turns towards his cabin.

She follows him quietly, and is surprised when she sees him shut the door to her face, without even saying anything else. She stays outside his door, looking at it in shock, until she hears the faint sounds of him crying from inside.

She rests her hand on it, ready to knock and ask if he wants her in, but she feels her own leftover exhaustion almost take over her. She turns towards the crew quarters and collapses on a bed, hastily wrapping a blanket over her body before she starts quietly crying as well.

She wakes up covered in sweat, both cold from her nightmare and normal from having slept under a wool blanket, a headache threatening to make her head explode and the pillow wet from her tears. She can see that it’s gone dark, and the sound of the waves hitting the hull inform her that the ship is moving. She stands up quickly, seeing black spots for a few moments before she manages to find her balance, and walks up on deck.

The main sail is loose, running on the wind, and as Emma turns, she sees Killian seated on the stairs leading to the upper deck, an old pirate coat thrown over his shoulders. He’s now wearing one of his old shirts - buttoned up nearly to his chin - and pants, though still wearing the sneakers David got him. A small bottle of rum is in his hand, and Emma is glad to see there’s a lot of drink still left in it.

“Hey,” Emma says softly. He looks up at her and smiles. He stands up and walks to her, and she can see that the smile isn’t reaching his eyes.

“Hey, love. I hope you didn’t mind I took the Roger running. You were sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you up.”

He talks in such a relaxed and fast way she’s almost taken aback. Is this the same Killian that felt sorry he couldn’t let her hug him before?

“Are you okay?” Emma asks.

He raises one brow. “Of course I am. You healed me, right?” he tries to smile again, but it looks even more weird than before.

Emma bites her lip. He shouldn’t feel so better so fast, right? “Did you sleep well? Did-”

“Aye, perfect,” he says and turns around, stepping up to the helm. She catches the lie immediately. “Maybe it’s time to get you home.”

“Get me home? Aren’t you coming with me?”

He hesitates a little, before his fake smile falls and he drops his gaze to the ground. “I’ll- I’ll stay here for a few days,” he says, his voice noticeably quieter.

“Why?”

He shrugs, trying to put on his smile again. “I’m- I’m just…” he tries to say, but gives up, his shoulders hunching forward. “I’m not going to be a particularly pleasant company,” he says, so low that Emma almost can’t hear him.

She wishes she couldn’t.

“What are you saying?” she says and approaches him at the helm, noticing how he curls into himself a little, his shoulders tense. “You think I’d leave you alone because you’re not… you won’t…”

She can’t finish her sentence, but she knows Killian knows what she was going to say, as he throws his head back and furrows his brows.

“I don’t need your pity, Emma.”

“What?! You think I’m pitying you?”

“I just want some time on my own.”

“That’s not what you said.”

Killian huffs in frustration and turns his gaze away.

“Look, Killian… if you want to stay alone, all you have to do is say so. You can take as much time as you want, and I’ll understand. But don’t think- look at me,” she interrupts herself when she sees that he’s still stubbornly looking elsewhere. She reaches and puts her hand on the helm, right next to where his hook is resting. This catches his attention and he finally turns to her.

“I’ll be there for you,” Emma says. “No matter how hard you think this may be for me, that’s up to me to decide, but I’ll be by your side for as long as you want me.” His face softens a little at her words, but she goes on. “I… I need this too,” she adds, her voice breaking at the end. He opens his mouth, and she can see his lower lip is trembling slightly, so she raises her hand slowly and moves it towards his cheek. When it’s close enough he leans into her touch, and she rubs soft circles with her thumb, finally seeing his shoulders relax. She absent-mindedly thinks that he really needs to trim his beard as he takes half a step away from the helm so that she can wrap her arms around him. It feels like she hasn’t hugged him in years, and she feels the tension she didn’t know she had leave her body.

She notices, however, how he doesn’t tuck his face into the crook of her neck.

As they walk back home, Killian purposefully walks on Emma’s right side, not giving her a chance to switch sides - and she respects that, even though it hurts a little - and his only hand is curled into a fist. They walk slowly, Emma looking at Killian, whose head is up and whips left and right at every junction, and he looks almost ready to fight at any moment.

When they reach their house, Killian freezes when he sees the lights on the living room are on.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s probably my mother, she has a key, remember?” Emma says, sensing that he’s panicking.

“Yeah,” Killian says softly. “Maybe it’s not a good idea-”

“Just this time…” Emma stops him. “Look. They probably just wanted to check in on us.”

“Wouldn’t they call us?”

“Well, they actually did,” Emma says, remembering seeing the fifteen missed calls from her mother from just that day. “But she probably just wants to see we’re okay. I promise I’ll try to get her out as fast as I can, okay?”

Killian’s face is set in an almost angry expression, but he nods and walks next to her to the entrance, tensing up as Emma opens the door.

“Emma! Oh my God!” Snow says as they enter, and runs to her, hugging her close.

“Mom,” Emma says and hugs her back, surprised at how much she actually missed her. Snow lets her go, then immediately goes to Killian and hugs him close, completely oblivious to his nervousness.

He looks up at Emma, his jaw clenching and his eyes wide open in an almost scared expression as he barely hugs her mother back. Snow pulls away and takes a look at him. Killian drops his gaze and takes a step back, as if hurt by her scrutiny.

“Are you okay? You look better than what David told me. Did Emma heal you?” She talks fast, barely taking a breath as she touches Killian’s arm, pulling her hand away when she feels him tense.

Killian nods, hunching his shoulders and dropping his gaze.

Emma touches Snow’s shoulder. “Mom, I missed you so much. Thank you for coming, but-”

Snow cuts her off by hugging her again. “‘You’ll be okay’? Did you really think I wouldn’t come and check in on you after you both went missing for two days?!” she says, voice still strained and almost broken with sobs.

“I’m sorry,” Emma says softly. “But we’re really okay, see? And we were tired, and we… we wanted some time on our own. Did Dad tell you…”

“He did tell me that you needed some time, but Emma, I’m your mother.” Snow pulls back again, caressing Emma’s hair as she speaks, ”And you wouldn’t answer your phone… What did you expect me to do?”

“Okay, okay,” Emma says. “But we’re really tired. I’m sorry I didn’t answer my phone.”

Snow nods. “Call me if you need anything, okay? And call me when you wake up tomorrow.”

Emma thinks that the question is if they’ll even sleep at all, but only nods at her mother. Snow turns to Killian, nodding at him as well as she reaches for her coat.

“Goodnight, and sleep well. If you need anything, really-”

“It’s okay, Mom. We’ll be okay.”

Snow nods one last time, and looks at Emma, then at Killian, worry creasing her face at him not looking back up since she hugged him, but she walks out the door anyway.

Killian sighs heavily once the door closes and rubs his forehead.

“So that went well,” he says. “Is she gonna be here all the time?”

“I could ask her to give me the key back, but she was just worried.”

“She’s your mother. She would worry about you. It’s me I don’t need her to worry about.”

“I don’t think she knows.”

“She said your father talked to her.”

“And he told her to stay away, and she didn’t, probably because she doesn’t have all the information. If she did she wouldn’t have leaped on you like that.”

Killian lets out a sigh. “You think she doesn’t know?”

“I told Dad to not tell anyone anything. She probably knew you were injured but I think that’s all she knew… but eventually, she will find out.”

His head jerks up and his eyes go wide. “What? How?”

“I don’t think David will be able to keep that from her for too long… or maybe I won’t.”

“Why would you do that?” His voice is suddenly really small. “I think you know I don’t want the others to know.”

“But I will need to talk to someone! You will need to talk to someone!”

He shrugs, trying to appear calm. “Why?”

“Because it was hard. And it will keep being hard unless we do something… unless we talk about it. To them, to Archie…”

“I’m not going to tell the cricket about what… what they did to me.” His voice drops in volume at the last words.

Emma closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before she opens them again. “Killian… you’ll have to. You may want to pretend you’ll get over it, but you’ll have to do it if you actually want to feel better.”

Killian huffs out, his brows furrowing in anger. “You know me. I’ve told you of my past. You know what that man got out of me was true. It wasn’t the first time, Emma. I’ll get over it.”

“You don’t have to fight it on your own. I can help you. Archie can help you.” She feels so tired and the last thing she wants to do is fight with him over this, over anything at that point.

“If you brought me here just to argue with me, I’m far off better on my ship. This is my problem to work with.”

“Wait, wait. I’m sorry. Don’t go yet.” She rubs her temples with her fingers, trying to think what’s best to do. “I’m sorry. I’m just upset. Give me a chance and I promise you, no-one will bother you here, okay? I’ll put a magic shield around the house if I have to so nobody can harm us, okay?”

Killian nods, and looks down for a few seconds before he turns to the stairs. Emma collapses on the couch, feeling exhausted and shaken. Things will be really hard if he continues to refuse therapy… she tells herself she might not need it since she wasn’t the one being assaulted - and that word feels bitter even thinking about it - but Killian certainly will.

She stays there for a few moments before she walks up to the bedroom too. She sees Killian walk out of it, a sheet thrown over his shoulder.

“What are you doing?” Emma says.

Killian turns to her, his expression sheepish. “I… I’m not sleeping with you tonight.” He tries to make his voice sound stable and sure, but he fails.

“Why?” Who is going to soothe each other’s nightmares, she thinks.

He shakes his head, not looking at her. “I just can’t. I’m sorry.” Without another word, he turns around and goes for the guest room, shutting the door behind him. Emma stays frozen right where she is for almost a minute, trying to comprehend what just happened.

He just refused getting any help from her.

He doesn’t want to sleep with her-

No. She won’t let herself fall into that pit. She walks to the guest room and taps softly at the door.

“Hey, you don’t have to say anything. It’s just, if you want to come to our bed at any time, just come, okay? Good night.”

She stays there for a few moments, both waiting and doubting he’ll respond. Eventually, she walks back to their bedroom.

She takes a shower, finally relieved to take all of the filth of the past few days off of her, and she lies on their bed. Her body almost sings as she touches the soft mattress, but she’s way too vigil to fall asleep right now. She’s left her door open, almost anticipating to hear Killian scream in his sleep - or while awake.

She sits up on the bed and opens her laptop. Opening up Google, she takes a few deep breaths as she pushes herself to type down the words she needs to. She feels as if the whole town is watching her somehow, immediately learning Killian’s secret, or as if Killian is watching her, judging her and thinking she’s pitying him, or these men watching her…

A tear slips down her cheek, and she wipes it away. She takes a few more breaths, trying to calm herself down. She needs to do this. She looks back at her screen and types “How to help rape survivors” on the search bar.

She spends the next hour searching and looking up advice and personal experiences. She makes a mental note of the most important ones, trying to will herself to remember them when she’ll deal with Killian the next day, or for the days to come.

However, she can’t find information for what to do with her situation - she doesn’t even know how to search for or even how to call her own situation.

She will definitely need to see Archie.

She wakes up a few hours later, sprawled over on the bed, her laptop on sleep mode and her hair dry. She didn’t even realize when she fell asleep, and shit, she promised herself she would look out for Killian.

She walks up to his room and contemplates opening the door. If he’s not asleep, she’ll scare him, and if he is, she may scare him anyway, and in any case she’ll be disrespecting his privacy, and the internet informed her about how important that is. She almost can’t believe there’s a chance she may see Killian wrapped in a blanket around a blanket fort. She never expected that, and it shakes her to think how much broken Killian would be if he resorted to this…

Her only fear is that she may not be strong enough to help him herself.

The days pass, and David gives Emma a few days off, and a few more after that, making Emma feel a little guilty - he still has a baby son to care for. But David insists, and frankly, she doesn’t mind staying at home, lying on her bed and staring at the ceiling.

She has nightmares, and so does Killian. Killian also has flashbacks, though Emma has only had two. She knew how to help him out of his and after, but Killian wasn’t even there when Emma had hers. They made her whole day terrible and she didn’t even have the heart to tell Killian about them.

After about two weeks during which Emma persuades herself and Killian to trust into the doctor-patient confidentiality, she visits Archie. It’s hard, and her talking triggers a minor flashback, this time with Archie taking part in it. She cries a lot, but he is patient and professional. She walks out of it feeling emotionally exhausted, with less hope she can get over it than what she had when she walked in. But Archie is hopeful.

When she comes home that evening, she finds Killian slouched on the sofa, apparently waiting for her, a glass of rum in his hand.

“Hey, everything okay?” she says, her voice rough from her crying.

“You talked to him,” Killian says. It’s not a question.

Emma nods. “I needed to. He won’t tell anyone. We talked about this.”

He takes one sip from his drink. “How am I going to look at him now, if I see him in public?”

Emma doesn’t comment that he’s barely gone out these weeks, not even to his ship. “He’ll be okay. He won’t tell anyone and he won’t judge.”

Killian just huffs and keeps drinking the whole night through. Emma wakes up next morning to find him passed out by the toilet, his vomit stinking from inside the bowl. She flushes the toilet and cleans both the air and Killian’s stained shirt with her magic before it all triggers a flashback.

As the days go by, she realizes everything is harder than she’d imagined. Killian sometimes doesn’t let her comfort him after having a flashback or a panic attack, he still sleeps in the guest room and locks himself in it whenever someone makes a visit - Snow, Henry, even David - and he even gets aggressive sometimes, shutting doors with force and shouting at her for the most ridiculous reasons. She almost always finds him wrapped in his blanket after that. Sometimes he lets her hold him, other times he just throws her out before she can even say anything.

And if that wasn’t enough, she has her own issues to work with. Killian made her promise to not tell anyone about what happened, so the only person she can talk to besides Archie is David, but it almost always makes him uncomfortable when she describes her nightmares or flashbacks. She even has flashbacks in front of David, and he’s forced to learn how to treat those as well. But she can’t tell him everything lest her trauma becomes his trauma. And it’s been almost a month after the incident and Killian won’t talk to Archie and everything sucks.

One day, Emma comes home from work, and the first thing she sees is Killian run up the stairs, his steps heavy and hasty, and Snow standing up from the kitchen table, walking slowly towards the stairs, almost shocked.

“What happened?” Emma says.

“I don’t know…” Snow says, her voice weak, almost whispering. “He looked like he was out, as if he wasn’t hearing me, and I touched him, and he screamed… and…”

“A flashback…” Emma whispers.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry, Emma, I didn’t know-”

“Please, Mom, you have to leave. Please, he’ll need to know you’re not here, so…”

“Okay, okay,” Snow says, nodding, though tears are forming in her eyes. “I’m so sorry-” she whispers.

“I know, I know, just go.” Emma can feel her knees start shaking. He wasn’t supposed to… he didn’t want to be seen like this to someone else. It was bound to happen at some point, even with how he’s almost isolated himself the past month but still…

She runs up the stairs and follows Killian’s muffled sobs to the bathroom. She knocks on the door.

“Killian, my mother is gone. I’m sorry she came in like this.”

She can hear him cry still.

“Are you still having a flashback?”

“No,” he says in a ragged voice, and keeps sobbing afterwards.

She repeats her post-flashback mantra. “It’s okay now, you’re safe. It’s over.”

He doesn’t say anything, just keeps crying.

“Can I come in?”

She hears movement, then the door being unlocked and Killian appearing behind it. He looks almost ashen white, his eyes are red and there are tear tracks on his face, his hair is a mess and his left arm is hidden behind his back. He tries to move past Emma but she notices the way he keeps his arm out of her view, then turns to the bathroom to see a few drops of blood on the floor.

“Killian, wait,” she says as calm as she can. She walks to him slowly and puts on an understanding face even as panic starts creeping up in her. “Did you cut yourself?”

Careful, Emma. Don’t judge, don’t berate him, don’t shout, don’t scare him away.

He doesn’t respond, his back to her and his arm hidden from her.

“I just want to help you. I’m not going to judge or scream at you. Just tell me if you cut yourself.”

He turns around and there are new tears running from his eyes, as he lifts up his sleeve to reveal four skin-deep slashes on the inside of his left arm.

She swallows hard. She feels her body go numb from the panic, but she forces herself to speak. “Okay. Thank you for showing me.” She looks up at him and she can see he’s surprised - he definitely didn’t expect this kind of reaction. “Would you like me to heal them?” she asks.

Killian shakes his head, apparently not trusting his voice right now, and the movement causes another tear to slip from his eye. He covers his arm with the sleeve again.

“Okay, okay,” Emma says. “I’m here if you want to talk.”

Killian nods and goes to the guest room, closing the door behind him. Emma almost runs to the bedroom and lets out the shaky breath she was holding. Her arms start shaking as she sits down on the bed, and she feels tears prickle her eyes. She read that it was common for rape survivors to self-harm, but actually seeing it was way worse than she thought it would be.

She had seen teens harm themselves in foster homes, and they were always scolded by the parents, or even some social workers. There had been times she’d contemplated cutting herself as well, but she never went so far as to actually do it - and she also never had a friend amongst those who did it. Seeing it now in Killian, the man she loves…

She lets herself break down and cry. She’ll need her strength when - hopefully, when - Killian decides to talk to her about it.

And it’s only a few hours later that he does. Emma is sitting on the couch, a cup of hot chocolate warming her hands, when Killian walks down the stairs to her.

“Hey,” he tells her. “I’m sorry for scaring you earlier.”

“It’s okay.”

“Is it?”

She sighs. “No, actually. But what I mean is that I understand. It’s normal for you to feel this way, but if you want to talk about it…”

He says nothing, simply sits down next to her on the couch. She offers him her cup, and he takes it with a small smile, taking a sip from it.

“No rum this time?” he says as he returns it to her.

Emma smiles a little. There. Casual conversation, nothing’s really changed, you can talk to me.

“I don’t know what drove me to do this,” he says in a soft voice. “I wasn’t even thinking, I just was so upset and angry… Your mother saw me having a flashback, and I came out of it a little more violently than I’m used to, and it just… scared me. And I ran upstairs, trying to find an exit for these emotions… I don’t even know what I was thinking.” He speaks slow, having a hard time finding his words as his hand toys with his hook. He takes deep breaths between phrases and keeps looking down as he does. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

“Don’t worry about me, Killian.”

“You weren’t scared?”

Emma hesitates. “I… was, a little, at first. But it’s over now, and what matters right now is you. Thank you for letting me know.” She extends her hand, and she waits for him to nod before she touches his arm - the right one, as it’s the one closest to her.

“So you’re not going to be angry at me?”

“No, but that’s not the point. I want to help you find a way out of this. Do you want to find a way out of this?”

He hesitates, still looking down.

“I know it may seem hard to believe right now, but you can get over this. You can help yourself find other ways to vent out your emotions, and I can help you with that. I’ll be here for you.”

“And what about you? Don’t you need to find your own ways to deal with your problems… and the ones I cause you?”

Emma smiles. “I talk to Archie. He helps.”

Killian finally turns to her, his own expression fallen. “Do you really believe he can help me?”

Emma nods. She merely hopes those two can work together, otherwise they would have to find another therapist… out of town and without any knowledge about magic and any understanding about Killian’s ridiculously old age.

“So, can I go tomorrow?” he says, voice low.

“I’ll try to settle for an appointment as soon as possible.”

Eventually, the appointment is set for three days later, and by the time Killian has to go, he’s completely unwilling to leave the guest room.

“Killian, come on,” Emma tells him through the closed door.

“Leave me alone, Emma.”

Emma rests her forehead on the door, starting to feel more and more hopeless. She misses him… misses his touch, his comfort, his strength, and trying to build him up alongside with her own self with only David’s help turns out to be a true labor.

“We have to go,” she insists.

“I told you I don’t want to go!” He sounds genuinely angry, nothing alike to a petulant child.

“You didn’t tell me why.”

“Because he’s not going to help me. He doesn’t know how.”

“You don’t know that. And he’s helping me.”

“That’s because your case is different.”

Emma sighs. “He knows how to work around different cases. Please, Killian, give him a try,” she says, for the millionth time this month.

It takes a few more minutes, but he finally opens the door. They walk to Archie’s office, Killian seeming ready to turn around and leave at any given moment. Eventually, she makes sure he enters the office, then goes across the road to Granny’s, watching at the window as she waits for him to come out.

About forty minutes later, he walks out, head down and hand toying with his hook. She’d told him she would wait for him at Granny’s, but when he exits he immediately turns towards the docks. Emma runs out to him, but before she can approach him, he turns to her, gives her a sad expression as he shakes his head and turns back to the road. He pulls the collar of his jacket up and keeps walking away from her.

She contemplates going to Archie and ask what happened. She almost walks up the stairs to his office, but turns around when she thinks she has to give Killian the chance to tell her on his own.

She waits for him, even after it starts going dark. That’s when she receives a message from Killian telling her that he’s okay and to not wait for him, as he’ll be late. She really tries to follow his lead, but eventually she falls asleep on the couch and jolts awake when Killian enters.

“You’re still here,” Killian says, an expression of slight surprise on his face.

“Yeah, well. I fell asleep. You okay?” she says, blearily.

He simply nods, takes off his coat and boots and walks upstairs without another word.

“Do you want to talk?” she says, but he doesn’t say a word.

Her nightmares are a bit worse this time, and when she wakes up in the middle of the night, she can hear him cry through his closed door.

In the morning, she pushes him to talk during breakfast.

“So, anything new?”

Killian looks at her bitterly.

“Do you want to talk about yesterday?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“You don’t have to be so mysterious about it.”

“I’m not being mysterious,” he says matter-of-factly as he puts a handful of marmalade on his bread. “Nothing happened, I didn’t utter a word in the full forty-three minutes I was in there. He kept asking me questions, he kept trying to get me to talk, and I couldn’t say a thing. He got bored, told me we can try again next time and dutifully shooed me out of his office before I could waste even more of his time.”

Emma opens her mouth to speak, but Killian interrupts her.

“And don’t say it’s fine, because it’s not.”

“I didn’t expect you to have all your problems solved by one session, Killian.”

“Aye, I did expect for something to happen. Anything.”

“It’s alrgi- ugh. Look, it’s normal. Not everyone accepts therapy immediately, especially if they’ve never had before. All you need to do is try again.”

“I don’t know if I want to.”

“You didn’t even get to see if it helped!”

“It didn’t!”

“Well, you didn’t say anything, did you? It gets two to have a therapy session. You can’t be helped if you don’t talk.”

Killian puts his bread down, covering his eyes with his hand. “How am I supposed to open up to him? What am I supposed to tell him?”

“The truth. In whatever way you want to.”

He lets out a shaky sigh. “It’s not that easy, Emma…”

“I know. And I doubt it’s easier for you than it’s been for me. So it really is okay if you were scared in there.”

At that, the dam breaks and Killian bursts out in sobs. He leans forward and cries, so Emma brings her chair closer and lets his head rest on her shoulder. She rubs his back and the nape of his neck, letting him cry out his frustration and pain. They both lose their appetite after that, and Killian barely looks any better, but at least he let that out.

That same evening, as Emma thinks about how they haven’t even kissed all that time, Killian promises her he’ll try for another session.

“Don’t promise it to me,” she tries to say, but he’s already up the stairs. Emma smiles at his determination.

She realizes how much she’s missed that.

A few days pass, with less flashbacks and panic attacks from Killian’s side, and the day comes for the second session. Emma has to work that day, and David is wracked with guilt for giving her so much to do when he knows that Killian needs her, but she reassures him, in an effort to reassure herself, that they’ll both be fine.

Killian hasn’t really stopped cutting himself, but at least he’s not full-on suicidal, and Emma tries to find some consolation in that. A few times he’d let her heal his cuts, but other times he barely even spoke about it.

It’s late evening when he returns, and Emma is cooking at the time. She turns around to take a good look at him.

“Hi,” he says softly. He looks tired.

“Hi yourself,” she says and approaches him a little, hands on her back pockets, hoping that the eggs won’t burn during the few seconds she’ll leave them unattended. She smiles a little, and he tries to smile back, but it falls too soon. Emma keeps her smile up.

“Did you talk?” she asks.

“Aye, I did.”

Emma feels relief flood in her. She takes a big breath. “How do you feel?”

He doesn’t speak. He only raises his eyes to her and approaches her slowly. Emma already feels her pulse raise, but she stays put and welcoming for him. He raises his hand and caresses her cheek softly. She doesn’t know if she wants to close her eyes and lean into the touch or keep them open and make sure he’s okay through it all.

He takes a few deep breaths, then leans forward and kisses her. She kisses back, careful to not make the kiss deeper than Killian wants. It lasts only a few seconds, and his lips are tense as if he’s pushing himself to kiss her, until he pulls back and lets out a shaky breath on her lips. His face is crestfallen as he steps back and without another word turns to the stairs.

Emma stays frozen for a few moments, until the smell of burnt eggs reaches her nostrils.

He kissed her, and he apparently hated it.

So much for her appetite.

She doesn’t see him for the rest of the night, and she wakes up next morning to find he left a note saying he’ll be on his ship, wanting to stay alone. She texts him an “ok” before she sits back on the couch and waits for the job-free day to pass.

The next days are awkward. He comes back but they barely speak to each other, until Killian decides to go for another session two weeks after his second one. That day he visits Emma at the station right before his appointment. He doesn’t stay long, he just gives her a daffodil and as he says goodbye, Emma sitting at her desk, he leans forward and kisses her head.

Emma looks at the flower and tears prickle her eyes. She looks up to see David smiling at her through the other office door.

“I think he’s really starting to get better,” she says with a smile as her tears fall.

She’s home trying to find a funny film without any harsh jokes that may trigger her when Killian returns. He looks tired again, but not as much as the previous time. He gives her a sad smile and walks to her. Without saying anything, he leans forward again and kisses her. Emma has to hold back with all her power to not attack him with kisses, but luckily the kiss is just soft, short and real. He pulls back before it manages to make him uncomfortable. Still smiling, he goes upstairs to change into his pyjamas and they watch Monsters, Inc.

It’s not much, but it’s a start.

He doesn’t kiss her every day after that. He’s almost stopped cutting himself, but he still has flashbacks now and then, as does she. He has learnt how to treat her flashbacks too, though he very rarely hugs her after. They learn what triggers each other’s flashbacks and try to keep them away.

One day he comes back from the docks with red-rimmed eyes.

“Hey,” Emma says as she notices. “Everything okay?”

“Aye, mostly.”

“You had a flashback?”

Killian nods. “In front of your father.”

Emma swallows hard. He’s only had flashbacks in front of her and Archie - and that one time in front of Snow - and she hasn’t told anyone but David that his keep coming.

“Can you tell me why?”

“I was just walking around, until I saw David looking around the place. He told me someone had informed him of an abandoned dog there and he went searching… I offered to help him and we found the dog... “ He sighs and closes his eyes. “Her leash was tied so tight around a cleat on the dock she could barely move, and…”

Emma nods, coming close enough to him to touch him but not enough to scare him. “That’s enough, if you want to stop there…”

He rubs his face with his hand. “I collapsed right there, I almost had a panic attack. David released the dog and then brought me back. I came to and then asked him why he let the dog go first… and he told me that… that he saw… he saw me, us, in that- that… room…”

He doesn’t seem angry, or upset, just too tired to search for the words. “Killian, you don’t have to push yourself-”

“Did you know? Did he tell you that he saw us?”

His tone is neither demanding nor accusing, but she still swallows hard before she nods.

To her surprise, he simply nods back. “You didn’t tell me…”

“I was hoping David would tell you on his own time, if he thought it could help you.”

He sighs and nods again. “It’s alright. I understand. He said the same thing, he didn’t even mention you, and… I spoke to him, a bit, about it,” he says sheepishly, but a small smile pulls up the corners of his lips.

Emma raises her eyebrows, a small smile forming on her lips as well. “You did? How did it feel?”

“Hard, at first, but I think it helped. I would never believe it would help. I was so scared...” he lets out a laugh as a tear slips down his cheek and he wipes it away. Emma steps forward, and with only slight hesitation - to Emma, that is a victory - he lets her embrace him.

Emma stays up all night from her anxiety at his response to all this, and he sleeps with his door open. He doesn’t cry that night.

They keep going to their sessions. About four months after the incident, Killian has completely stopped cutting and starts spending more time with David outside the house and Emma’s flashbacks are reduced to a minimum.

They kiss almost every day, though only quick pecks and cheek kisses, and Emma is starting to feel upset by how long it’s taking him to come sleep with her in their bed. She knew that there was a high chance Killian will be less willing to have sex but the fact that he doesn’t even want to sleep next to her is worrying her.

And then comes the day where they’re kissing in the kitchen after a delicious breakfast they made together, and it turns deeper and deeper by the moment, until Emma finds herself toying with Killian’s zipper. He feels her touch and almost thrusts forward. Emma breaks the kiss to look at him.

“Are you sure?” she says.

He takes one moment to answer, but eventually he just nods. Emma locks the door with her magic and lowers her pants, then goes for Killian’s zipper. Killian leans forward and kisses her as she opens it, as if he’s trying to stop her from seeing it. Eventually, she feels his erection free from his pants, but pulls her hands back and opens her legs for him.

It’s up to him to set the pace. She’s still kissing him when she feels his erection touch her sensitive area, and she lets out a deep moan. Her breath and heartbeat go faster as she keeps reminding herself to not push Killian. Killian bends his head and starts kissing Emma’s neck, and another moan escapes her. Then he enters her, and it’s like both of them are struck by the same current at the same time. She feels panic rise in her and sees Killian’s shoulders start to shake. He pulls back immediately, his member having gone flaccid in a matter of seconds, then he zips up his pants.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers in a shaky voice before running upstairs.

Emma puts on her own clothes, her previous panic turning into worry. She realizes it’s probably not only him who’s slightly scared by the idea of having sex, and she feels her limbs go numb at her ignorance on how to fix this. She hasn’t spoken to Archie about that yet… and she feels way too insecure to talk about it. How do they find a way to have sex after being forced to do so while being kept captive?

She tries to not think how it’s already been four months since then.

And if all that wasn’t enough, that same night they fall asleep on the couch as they watch TV. Emma wakes up in the middle of the night and looks at the screen… and there’s a scene of a man being raped. Her eyes wide, she turns to Killian. He looks frozen, as if unable to pull his eyes away from the screen, his mouth open and the remote control in his hand. Emma grabs it and turns the TV off, but Killian keeps looking at the screen frozen.

“Killian… that wasn’t real…”

He doesn’t respond, doesn’t even turn his head away. A tear slips down his cheek.

“Killian?”

He doesn’t respond, only his head starts bowing down so slowly she almost misses the movement.

“Are you having a flashback?”

Still no response. She tries, again and again, but he stays unresponsive for a long time, Emma doesn’t count how long it’s been, but when he eventually comes back, he starts crying. Emma caresses the nape of his neck, and tugs ever so slightly but it’s enough for Killian to rest his head on her shoulder.

“Why would they show this? Why would they… in that way?”

“I don’t know. It’s late, they don’t really care about who watches that…”

Emma brushes her fingers through his hair as he cries, the touch comforting her as well as she tries to calm down herself after the sight. It was too real, too real… But Killian is here now, and they’re safe, and they’re getting better.

They fall asleep on the couch that night, hugging each other close. Emma wakes up first the next morning, and she spots Killian is almost shocked to find himself there with her, but he quickly relaxes in her embrace.

However, as Emma stands up to make them some breakfast, Killian walks to the TV and kicks it hard, shattering the screen and shouting as he falls to his knees and cries again.

She could fix it with her magic but she couldn't care less about watching any show right now.

A few days later the incident is forgotten and the TV repaired, but they don’t turn it on at all.

She keeps track of their sessions. They’re both getting better, Emma faster than Killian does, but it’s still hard. All the flashbacks, completely random words and images that can bring any of them down to their knees, their nightmares, and Killian’s almost stubborn insistence to sleep away from her…

Until one day he knocks on her door as she’s preparing for bed. He was out all day again after his session, and she mostly stayed home so he probably knows she’s not that tired…

“Can I sleep with you?” he asks, plain and simple.

Emma sighs in relief despite herself. She knows she shouldn’t make such a big show out of his successful steps so to not inadvertently encourage him to push himself, but this time she can’t help herself.

“Yeah,” she says.

Her doubts of him not wanting sex disappear as soon as he lies down on the bed and kisses her deep and passionately. As he kisses her, he unbuttons his shirt and moves his hand under her tank top.

“Are you sure? Really sure?” Emma asks, breaking the kiss a little.

Killian’s moan sounding inside her mouth is all she needs to let herself go. They make love to each other, and Killian holds nothing back as he pleases her in any way he can. Emma barely holds back her 'I missed you's every time she calls out his name, every time his erection thrusts in and it makes her see stars.

He collapses on her when he finishes, their naked bodies touching each other in every spot.

“I love you, Emma,” Killian whispers in her ear.

“I love you too,” she says back, even more breathless than him.

“I’m sorry it took so long to come back to you.”

She’s been hating hearing him apologize for every little thing all these months, but this time she simply understands. She brushes her fingers through his hair and says, “It doesn’t matter. You’re here now.”

“I was so scared,” he admits in a small voice. “So scared that I would be too broken to ever make love to you again, to ever truly be there for you…”

“You made it, Killian.” She shifts a little, so that she can see his face.

“Aye, this time. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it again soon.”

“I know,” she says, kissing his cheek. “I know, and I understand.”

They both know they have a long and hard road ahead of them. The pain isn’t going to go away that easily, and they will need more time to heal fully.

But they will. And now they hope and trust in each other to help make their healing as smooth as possible.

They fall asleep with smiles on their faces, their bodies tangled together.