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macklives · 5 years ago

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alright, im actually kind of in the mood to unpack some stuff regarding karkat's character and the way alternia works actually, so i dont mind giving this a go. and while act 5 isnt completely finished yet (so this is an analysis post for act 5 up until page 2305), there is still more to explore, and im pretty sure i have a lot more to read regarding both karkat AND alternia. until then, i will give a general layout as to what i know so far and how i can expand this in a psychological way (especially considering i did my psych exam so my mind is FRESH from studying)

alright, starting with what seems to be the deal with the hemospectrum, theres a total of 12 blood colors. HOWEVER, one of those blood colors is a "mutant" blood which is unwanted in troll culture as it is, well, "mutant", meaning whoever has this blood will get brutally slaughtered. hurrayyy. im guessing it is even lower than aradia's rust blood, as she is allowed to live but is the lowest on the hierarchy triangle. meaning karkats blood is not even ON the hierarchy triangle and simply buried underground where they hope he stays. so its not exactly pleasant to be living in a society where everyone is trying to KILL you or at least keep you away from everything.

from what i remember, troll reproduction is a vital aspect in their culture, that everyone is forced to mate and drones will come by each house to collect the genetic material. this is mandatory apparently, and if someone were to object, they will be “culled" as quickly as they could say no. alternia seems to be really keen on the whole "blood and carnage" thing, which means their probable solution to anybody breaking the law, is to kill them on sight and just leave them there to rot - regardless of who they are and what families they comes from or have. trolls are free to kill whenever or whoever they please without any governmental repercussions. which means revenge upon revenge happens without any policy.

however this is very important when looking at karkat, because karkat may not be able to do the whole reproduction process (not that we necessarily want him to, im saying this in terms of how its mandatory for every troll and there will be a time when the drones WILL come for karkat). but as he is already a mutant and if they were to "collect" from him, they would find out his blood regardless of how he hides it. they will either cull him for saying no, or cull him for his blood. karkat, in this sense, is doomed regardless. which makes his character much more interesting.

and keep in mind alternia kind of sucks, because from the looks of it, trolls are constantly tested throughout their lives to prove themselves to society that they are allowed to live and survive. but ONLY if they are the strongest among them. alternia wants to become this fearful planet where the weak die off and only those proven worthy can stay to grow up and slaughter more of their kind until the world is nothing but blood thirsty strong murderers. im not too sure who is governing alternia but they can suck a dick if they think this is how good morals work. alternia only really has one way to solve things which is to kill those who question/fight back, OR to kill those who CANNOT fight back essentially. which puts all the trolls through a double edged sword where they cannot do anything but follow the guidelines given to them by troll's society and government, and try to survive as much as they can until then.

if i remember correctly, when it comes to the law side of things. if you look at it from terezi's introduction where she explains prosecutions with her plushies (lemonsnout ect ect i forgot the term for them lol), she said "you are guilty until proven innocent" which is the polar opposite of "innocent until proven guilty” used in OUR own society today (tho i guess we are by far the "good guys" in this situation, but we are far different than how trolls live their lives). anyways, what this means is that everyone dies regardless unless theres literal proof that they have not done the crime. even so i wouldnt put it past them to do nothing about their case even WITH proof. terezi even goes to say that technically there is no way to deal with the law on alternia, and most of crimes get solved through death. she even demonstrates this by how easily she hung the "suspect" and flipped a coin to determine his fate. however, even with the coin landing on the side of safety, where the suspect were to be released, she said "im blind remember i cannot see this coin" and essentially "killed" him. while terezi may have just been playing with her plushies, theres something we can take from this which dictates how their actual court cases are actually solved.

NOW, vriska (yes ik pls bare with me here, i will not make it about vriska but i do have a point here), from the last few pages i saw, can basically kill her friends in an instant, without any remorse. i can tell she sees this as the most "necessary" solution for her problems. i wouldnt say its for survival, but she does do it as a way to provide some sort of safety on alternia. she is a higher blood, and apparently the high bloods are known to kill whoever they please as long as its convenient. and since trolls have this whole fad of "killing the ones who cause you trouble so the problem is out of the way", she is wired to think its the only solution when threatened or when you dislike a person.

god, she killed aradia because she wanted "revenge", because she wanted to get back at aradia for tormenting her with ghosts EVEN IF aradia did so because she threw tavros off a cliff in the first place. this may have worsened their friendship, KEEP IN MIND THEY WERE FRIENDS, but NEITHER, and i mean neither terezi/vriska/aradia, had any remorse if the other dies as long as there was a reason. in the story, vriska didnt care what happened to tavros because she disliked him, therefore becoming pretty bias over his fate. because of this attempt at killing, aradia didnt care what happened to vriska either, and neither did terezi. terezi sold her out to one of the most powerful beings on their planet, solely because of their revenge cycle. as long as the troll in question did something "malicious”, then that plays a factor in their morals. vriska gave no second thought to killing both of her friends (or at least attempt to with tavros), terezi also tormented john in act 4 which led to his “doomed timeline death” and sold vriska out after she realized vriska wouldnt change. so no fucking WONDER karkat tries to hide who he is, he's overly cautious to not let it slip out because even the people he calls friends could backstab him at any given time considering theres LITERAL EXAMPLES OF THESE TROLLS HAVING DONE SO.

to karkat, he sees this as dangerous, which is why he even CALLS vriska dangerous to begin with. she might not even hesitate to kill him herself or maybe sell him out to the drones, because 1. she may not want to be a witness to something society actively seeks to destroy and 2. she cares more for her survival than karkats. EVEN if they were friends (re: aradia and vriska and terezi). so it just shows.

on that note, i find it funny how karkat indirectly distracted vriska after she baited him with the question of his blood in a past conversation, which prompted karkat to monologue about troll romance. he was, yes, VERY interested in this topic to start with, but it was a nice little bonus for karkat as to not be found out by the one person who would most likely kill him even if it wasnt on purpose. however, we do not know how this will play out IF she does find out, we just know karkat is in the right to be scared of the theory.

and, alright i do have to mention this, while karkat may have been an angry fucker to START with, who spites the world and throws out insults every chance he gets, i feel he does this as more of a survival instinct as well. he doesnt care what he says to people no matter what they rank on the hemospectrum. they dont know his blood color so he feels he has some sort of immunity, but he just needs to keep it hidden. it also may just be his personality, as he IS a character who was given specific traits and andrew went along with it without so much thinking about plot. yet if you look at this from more of the metaphorical route, think about it with uhhhh lets say the perspective of how dogs work. for example, when you put a chihuahua next to a doberman, a doberman is more of an excited, energetic dog whereas a chihuahua will rain hell down on anybody who so goes near them. sometimes this is to make up for their size, to seem as menacing as the larger doberman, as they have nothing else to fend themselves with. another way to look at it is, if you see a bear (i forget if its black/brown or grizzly) you make yourself seem like the bigger person by scaring it off with sounds and eventually it will leave you alone. these sort of tactics work in the sense of survival. this is sort of what karkat could be doing, he uses insults and a defensive shouting to not really "hide" himself, but to have some sort of way as to not be found out if people start to question. someone asks him "hey karkat whats your blood" he goes "FUCK YOU, FUCK OFF, END OF STORY" which could make a person go "yo sorry dude forget i ever asked". so this could be a factor as to why he is so crabby, however on the other hand, he is crabby because that is also his character. andrew probably thought yo cancer = crab = crabby. however i do like how he is perceived and the whole "mutant blood" really made me do a double take on how he views life himself. he has to always hide who he is or he will get physically killed. alternia would take joy in finding out he does not belong there because lets face it, alternia is a bitch of a planet.

this also brought me to ask the question, why does karkat want to be a leader if hes so scared of what would happen to him if he were to be found out? which then, at first i said lol this is just karkat, he wants to a leader because he just wants to be the leader, he likes when things go to plan and that he the most say in their sburb plans considering he thinks everyone else is a "dumbass". to which, i then thought about it more and went ouch what if hes a leader because he knows hes not valued enough in society, that he somehow wants to feel some sort of importance in the world, so he wants to become a leader. i imagine younger karkat, not knowing why his blood is so undermined, finding out he is not wanted and suddenly on the most wanted list without having even DONE anything. even TAVROS said he was on that list, but only because he was weak and had no back-bone, here karkat may have been strong but no matter what, he was to be culled BECAUSE of his blood. something he cannot change no matter what. imagine a little kid knowing he will die at any point because of who he is (rlly sounds familiar if you think about it). so of course, he hides himself from the world, but do you think for an instant, little angry karkat wants to simply be FORGOTTEN about? i doubt that, he wants to be heard, he doesnt necessarily want to be rejected as he knows he will be, so while he does hide his blood, he wants to have a voice no matter what. when being a leader, people dont reject you, they LISTEN. they all may not want to because karkat is just a fucking ticking time bomb, who can lash out at any second, but i feel theres now a reason why he has this superiority complex. he wants to sort of become the person he knows he never will become (if you put it into that perspective). so thats kind of why im giving him the benefit of the doubt here.

i would also like to point out a sort of.... comparison?? not with the dogs but with unwanted children in a family household. this doesnt necessarily apply to karkat, but sub in family household with society and it might as well. (on that note, a warning/viewer discretion, if you have any problem with this kind of discussion, i wouldnt read further into this paragraph and skip to the next one) alright, the unwanted child psychology basically deals with the process of a child which is neglected by their parents, and/or know that they were never wanted in the family. i read an article a while back when we were discussing this in a lecture, we were browsing multiple people's perspective on the matter, and one said "An affective relationship may be suffocating to [the unwanted/neglected child]: it’s a defense against intimacy of which they know nothing. Normally they fluctuate between egotism and deep feelings of inferiority. They don’t understand what a balanced and healthy self-esteem looks like." it explains how the child who grows up in an unwanted home admits great emotion deprivation, because the child's bonds of affection are extremely fragile, and this can lead to both egotism and feeling like they are inadequate. and it really strongly shows karkats personality. we havent gotten that much from him in general, but considering how he uses this egotism to cover up the fact that he may be doomed, really shows the similarity. i liked this short article so i want to give some points to take into consideration, specifically this part: "It will be very difficult for unwanted children to build healthy relationships of affection in their adult life. Love is a foreign language to them. They don’t know how to decipher the codes and much less how to build them. It’s very hard for them to need and to be needed. That’s why, more often than not, they completely shirk their conflicts with peers and superiors, or do nothing but generate them. They speak incessantly about the broken relationship that marked their arrival in the world. A person with such a background will need help to get through those abysses of love that live in their heart. The most important step is that they recognize that their discomfort doesn’t depend on who they are, but the circumstances that led to their being." it may not be 100% tru for karkat but theres a small portion of it that can link back to karkats view on life and how being this mutant can really change who he is as a person. and i hope you can see the similarity between karkats character and this form of psychology. yet i also do not fully know the depth of karkat vantas. however i do hope it continues to build up in this way, as it would be both interesting and make us feel more for him as a person.

alright, i think if i write any more i will never stop aghjsk, which is a bit too much for a sunday afternoon, basically to sum up this post, trolls are violent and karkat will be killed if hes found out, even by his friends if it comes down to it. so karkat cannot really trust anybody, hes alone and imagine the thrill he had when he saw jack cut his hand to show the bright red blood? that he finally has someone LIKE HIM. imagine when he finds out about the kids. so i believe in his growth, while he needs to get a better vocabulary, i do get why hes so defensive all the time. because hes both scared and unwanted. and he wants to make up for it.

and i guess with all that being said, you can tell i now have a slight soft spot for the kid lmao

#hs95 #hs95 ask #anon #ask #analysis #i may not have it FULLY understood yet but thats my perspective of karkat vs trolls society

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chikkou · 4 years ago

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Will you talk more about Lisa?? Lisa the character specifically but also your feelings on his feelings about Buddy? I just thought your analysis was so good and I want to hear other thoughts you have on her.

yall are honestly spoiling me rn sdhkfdjfks this is like a dream come true

i already got into the stuff with buddy in this ask here but i have a LOT to say about lisa and the connection between her and buddy so u better settle in!

ok so firstly ill start with lisa. i played the original lisa game (lisa the first) not long after it first dropped in 2012, and im not even kidding when i said it changed me LMAO.... seeing a story about a girl suffering is nothing new, but austin jorgensens approach to it was so fucking unique. you dont just witness it, you get to EXPERIENCE it right along with her. many stories that involve sexual abuse/rape show or otherwise depict it explicitly for the shock value, which is both disgusting and, in my opinion, extremely fucking exploitative. i feel that it is horrific to dignify an act so deeply evil with screentime. but lisa stood out to me immediately because, even though you know exactly whats going on, the game NEVER shows anything explicit. everything is layered in subtext and symbolism, and austin is fantastic with indirect storytelling, so you learn so much from just a little drop of information. this applies not just to the game proper, but to the character as well.

in case its not clear: i absolutely ADORE lisa. she is my favorite character in all of the games, bar none. its going to sound kind of fucked up, but as a kid around her age going through some fucked up shit, her committing suicide at the end felt like a sort of victory to me. she knew she could never escape from marty or what he was doing to her. he leaks into every single part of her psyche, everything she ever cared about or loved is ruined because of him, and even the vague memory of her mother is completely corrupted, and turned into a muddled version of him. lisa the first also had the added benefit of some religious commentary, as there are crosses all over their home and marty is characterized as an extremely religious man, which i fucking LOVE and wish had come back in the painful, but its an acceptable loss. anyway, lisa committing suicide at the end was an act of defiance against not just marty, but martys god, as suicide is considered a mortal sin in catholicism. lisa knew she’d never be free of marty in life, so she escaped the only way she could; she was defiant to the end.

ive seen people complain that the painful has a bit of a “lost lenore” thing going on, since lisas death seems to fuel the Manpain of both brad and buzzo, but i actually disagree. on the contrary, its just like austin himself said - lisa will never be gone. lisa is ALWAYS there, with brad, and buzzo, and buddy, and marty, and yado, and the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. i dont necessarily think that there is something paranormal going on in the game, but i AM going to say that, unlike other cases of a girl/woman dying for a mans backstory, lisa isnt just a bittersweet memory they can reflect on and then put away when its convenient for them. she is a presence that is felt throughout the entire game. brad sees her more than once, sometimes watching, sometimes reprimanding him. buzzo is clearly haunted by her, as he cries out to her a few times in the joyful. every character who was directly touched by lisa - brad, marty, and buzzo - calls out to lisa as they die. call it their guilt or call it her actions, but in either case, it is clear that lisa just as significant of a character in the painful as she was in the first, even if she cant always be seen. even in a meta-sense, every game in the series - even the joyful, whose protagonist doesnt even know who she is - is named after her. she is at the center of everything that happens in them.

that actually brings me to buddy, because i find the dynamic between her and lisa fucking fascinating. as i previously mentioned, brad never talked about his past with buddy, and snaps at her for bringing up his adoptive son dusty (rando), so it goes without saying that she definitely doesnt know who lisa is. in spite of that, though, lisa is a fucking massive part of buddys life, and while she may not know the person herself, i think she is aware that when people (and brad especially) look at her, they arent seeing HER.

i mentioned it in another post, but even though brad takes it upon himself to raise and “protect” buddy, he seems to almost unwittingly recreate lisas appearance, primarily by allowing her hair to grow long even though he knows what a risk that is to her safety. he also treats buddy in a manner thats incredibly similar to how marty treated lisa (sans sexual abuse, of course) - he insults her, does not let her leave the house at all, and forces her to do unsavory things that no one should ever have to do (in buddys case, this means killing at least two innocent people because brad doesnt want a “weak” daughter). the most literal comparison between buddy and lisa is the fact that they are both very young girls being essentially held captive by their father figures, albeit for different reasons, and both long for freedom from their captors.

theres also the fact that both buddy and lisa have to deal with misogyny and the effects of rape culture firsthand; they both battle against men who feel entitled to do with them whatever they please, and the threat of ongoing sexual abuse looms heavy over both of their heads. neither one can seek help from anyone; the neighbors in brad and lisas town seem complacent at best, if they even know what is happening to lisa at all, and buddys only allies (sans rando) are long dead by the start of the joyful. this is not just a hypothetical or a distant possibility. this is the real, tangible fate that will befall them if they cant somehow secure their safety.

sadly, because lisa wasnt playable in either of the rpgs, we dont know if she was able to fight as brad was, but it is highly probable that she had the innate skill but was never able to learn it (as marty highly discouraged them from learning “their grandfathers karate,” and seemed disgusted whenever brad did so). however, she did have ONE weapon she could make use of, and this is a weapon buddy ends up using, as well - her femininity. she became close to bernard (aka buzzo), made him fall in love with her, and then used him as a last ditch effort to stop martys abuse by having him mutilate her face. im not saying lisa never cared about bernard - in fact, i think she DID really love and care for him - but her own fucked up experiences with “love” meant she really couldnt understand what it was supposed to be like, or that it was wrong to manipulate the people you care about. lisa did very few things wrong - it pretty much just stops at the maiming of the cat and her manipulation of bernard - but she knew that she would never get away from marty without some kind of drastic action being taken, and scarring herself was her last ditch effort before ultimately committing suicide.

buddy ends up taking a somewhat similar tack in the joyful, and like in lisas case, its simultaneously resourceful and horrific. one of buddys key moves in the joyful is to flash the enemy (which the player obviously doesnt see) in order to distract them long enough to get the kill. its fucking horrible and disgusting and makes you feel so dirty, but then, how must buddy feel having to do something like that just to survive? shes just a child, but in a world where almost every man is out to get you, she knows this has to be done to save herself, very much like lisa. unlike in lisas case, though, buddy is successful in securing her safety in this way - lisas effort is for naught, and leads to her committing suicide not very long after.

in a way, i sort of attribute buddys brutality to lisas omnipresence; all of the men pursuing buddy are just like marty, monsters who would harm a fucking child for their own disgusting ends, and i think that when buzzo said that lisa wouldve loved olathe, what he means is that she would have loved seeing so many horrible men being punished for what theyd done. so in my opinion, buddy carving out a place for herself in olathe by killing all those who would subjugate her seems very much in the mentality lisa would have had. sure, there are some innocents who sadly get roped into it, but that would definitely not be her intention; for example, if buzzo could have practiced amputation without harming a living thing, i dont think lisa would have asked him to practice on the cat. note the LACK of brutality at the beehive and the swamp bar, two of the few peaceful places in the painful and both devoid of predatory men hunting for buddy - lisa has no qualm with any of them. but marty? brad could hardly even get a full sentence out before killing him on the spot. i dont doubt that that has a great deal to do with lisas presence.

ok i talked for a while LMAO but basically i think that, in a more metatextual sense, lisa and buddys relationship really strikes me as an accurate depiction of generational trauma. of course it was intentional with the more obvious trauma chain (marty to brad to buddy), but the trauma chain of marty to lisa to buddy is rarely ever addressed due to lisa not physically appearing in the painful. however, i believe it may inform buddys actions a great deal more than people realize - after all, buddys experience is unique, but who could understand it better than lisa? who knows that sort of pain, of being alone on an island, the lone woman trapped with a man (or men) who want nothing more than to cause you harm? even without her realizing it, lisa is guiding buddy, encouraging her to take back what is hers no matter the cost, to punish those who would try to take what they want from her. lisa might be dead, but she is a vengeful presence throughout every game, and buddys actions feel like theyre meant not only to save herself, but to avenge lisa, even if she doesnt realize it. at the end of the day, buddy and lisa both get to exact revenge against all the men who have wronged them, and they succeed. they are aggressive, and violent, and selfish, and ANGRY - and they have every fucking right to be.

#lisa the first #lisa the painful #lisa the joyful #long post #yall GOTTA stop u know good and damn well i will talk about this game all fucking day hdskjdsk #rape mention #abuse mention #lisa #anya's anons

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petewentzisblack1312 · 4 years ago

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Hi… I wanted to ask this on anon so I didn’t ask on your personal, idk if this is too personal or anything to ask but

Do you have a problem with people saying they have a mental disorder if they don’t have a diagnosis? Like for me so… I have been diagnosed with anxiety but I am like 99% sure I have bipolar disorder. And like I know you can’t diagnose me so I’m not going to go into depth with my symptoms but ever since I was like, 11, I used to get very depressed to the point where I contemplated ending it but then i would snap out of it and I think for me my manic phase are hypomanic bc ive never experienced like the full range of those symptoms but my depressive phases get very rough esp if I have external stressors but it will go through what I assume to be these phases like sometimes within the day esp if I have a stressor.

I am in nursing school and I work at a psych hospital so like this isn’t coming out of nowhere, I am very familiar with all mental disorders and it was actually during my psych nursing class and learning about bipolar disorder that I was like… hm… why does this feel like a mirror right now. I am aware I should get to a therapist and get an actual diagnosis (if I had money I would lol) but like idk. Idk if it’s worth going to my doctor at my physical and being like “hey I think I have this” I am lucky enough now that I am in a good place and can manage my symptoms but I am terrified I will go through a stressor again and lose it so idk. I mean I feel like I already know the answer but I wanted to ask anyway to see your take :/

Anyway idk as a future medical professional I think self diagnosis got a bad rep and it’s like idk I think for mental disorders esp you can tell if you have anxiety and it’s a persistent problem. You can tell if you have depression. I know bipolar disorder is harder to diagnose but idk I think since I’m in the field it’s easier? Idk I felt like a sense of relief with learning about it and finding similarities and being like “well maybe that’s why I’m like that”. But idk now I’m feeling uneasy bc I don’t have a diagnosis and I don’t want to be like, stepping over people who were diagnosed. Thank you in advance if you read all this and yeah I’m sorry I know it’s a lot and this is controversial

ok this is a long post so im putting it under a cut but tldr, no i dont have a problem with it. it doesnt matter if you actually have an illness, it matters if you find a solution to your problem. if treating yourself like you have a certain condition makes it easier to go through life, then keep doing what works for you, you are doing nothing wrong. this all goes for physical and mental illnesses.

im a firm proponent of self diagnosis. i wouldnt be here if i didnt have the confidence to research mental illnesses and advocate for myself. as someone who is extremely familiar with the medical profession on account of being the daughter of a doctor and a nurse and spending my childhood running around a hospital, im extremely privileged to even have the knowledge and ability to do so, and i try to bear in mind the understandable hesitancy of people without this advantage. i know that you are well within your right to refuse medication that makes you sick, i know that you can complain about a doctor that isnt listening to you, i know that you are allowed and encouraged to be adamant about things you are told dont matter, and in addition to that, i have a VERY well known doctor and a nurse in my corner, and i am STILL treated as though i do not understand my own experiences enough to have any authority more often than i am not.

the reason self diagnosis gets a bad rep imo is because people have constructed this boogeyman of the worst case scenario, people collecting mental illnesses they dont have for attention as opposed to what it is, people doing research into their experiences and making theories on what they have so they can manage it. youll often see the take of "i dont hate self dxd i just hate people who do it for attention" and i think thats very irresponsible considering a symptom of many mental illnesses is thinking youre faking it and doing it for attention, nevermind the fact that attention seeking behaviour is literally a symptom of many mental illnesses people often dont want to empathize with. gatekeeping whos illness is real just keeps people who need help out. i could go into an anarchist screed about democratizing health, but basically, as someone whos life has been saved by my insistence on self diagnosis, and whos life has been made significantly easier by treating myself as though i have the conditions that i theorize i have, self diagnosis saves lives, and i, as an advocate for disabled people of all kinds on my island, will never put any conditionals on self diagnosis. it doesnt matter if you find the right name for your problem, it matters if you find a solution that works. i have yet to meet any of these fabled people who never try to receive a professional opinion, only people who literally cant.

as for feeling guilty, ill repeat how i opened this answer: it does not matter what exactly your problem is, it matters that you find a solution that works. in medicine generally, there will be a wide spectrum of problems with overlapping treatments, things which are similar but distinct, things which look identical but are completely different and at different levels of concern. it doesnt really matter which grab bag of bullshit your brain is reaching from, it matters that you know how to deal with what it throws at you, whatever that may be. dont worry about getting it right, worry about getting it working. okay?

for advice on how to deal with doctors, its helpful to pose it as a hypothetical as opposed to an absolute. when i bring up things im dealing with that i have a theory about i say "i think i have x" or "i think i might have x" or "i have a lot of symptoms of x". doctors are often egotistical and are easily challenged so it helps to pose it at a problem they can solve as opposed to one youve solved for them otherwise they get spooked. in my experience posing it this way leads them to actually interrogate this line of symptoms, and theyll ask you why you think that, and you can bring up symptoms that led you to that conclusion, and ones that give you trouble especially. for example, ive said "i think i may have autism or adhd? or both" to several doctors, and they either agree with me (i believe its been put in my file as a possibility now although i cant get an official test done due to financial and resource restrictions) or they ask why i think so, and i detail what i believe is due to my autism. its small, but this reframing helps a lot.

i think this covers all you said but my head is empty as hell.

#dils declares #mental health //#hospitals //#i hope i hit everything!!

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gunnerpalace · 5 years ago

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Hi! Same anon as the previous one. Tbh, I agree wholeheartedly with you. Y'see I do ask rhetorically,too but i could really accept and understand how and why ppl can be oblivious to IchiRuki, and somehow felt that the 'canon' should suffice, even the most excruciating of all is the fact a number found the ending even acceptable (ships aside, too). Again, I could respect that. But it's my greatest bane when ppl ask 'why' and not be clear they are asking rhetorically because I literally will

provide you an actual answer. And I get it, it’s the reason why ppl find shipping wars toxic and silly. But then again, as human, conflicts are always part of us (partly because as social psych explains so, we are gravitated to the negative for that allows us to change and survive), and the reason why “logical fallacies” are coined in the first place. Human will always debate, and argue about something; the only thing we could change is how we approach the opposing views.

Again, I dont condone any way, shape or form of abuse and harm. In some certain extent, I could perhaps understand it’s much harder for some IH to approach the actual argument being there’s either too much noise, and trapped in their own island between sea of salt. Thus becoming too acquianted w/ few IH who shared the same thought until it became their views as the only truth (see, that’s why its important to have debates! it is what keep us grounded and fair! Just like you said)

Who am I to speak though? I never ever challenged anyone anyways. And as you said, you just have to understand things in every way you could possibly think of–endless ‘whys’. Which is where I agree in your reply the most–this silly fandom wars is just the black mirror to every truth that lies beneath human psyche–the dark and the grimy. Heck, being a psych major is like staring at dark hole–at times, good, but most just plain confusing, revolting even or just heartbreaking.

Sorry it’s been long, but for the final of this ask: let me tell how glad I was with IchiRuki fandom I found in tumblr. It was the saltiest I’ve ever been (im not generally a fandom person anyways) but it’s the himalayan salt–expensive and actually nutritive it really deepened my desire to become wiser in general. And you for your wonderful essays, critiques and whatnot. I definitively would love to talk with you more not only about IchiRuki but the wonders and nightmare that us humans! Kudos!

I have sitting in my drafts a post spelling out my thoughts on “canon” (and thus, the people who cling to it) in that as a concept it privileges:

officiality over quality when it comes to validity (thus violating Sturgeon’s law)

corporations (intellectual property rights holders) over fans, and thus capitalists over proletarians

hierarchical dominance over mutualist networking within fandom

curative fandom over transformative fandom

genre over literary content

plot over characters

events over emotions

It is notable that (1) generally degrades art as a whole, (2) generally advances the capitalist agenda, and (3–7) generally advances the dominance of men over women (as the genders tend to be instructed by society to view these as A. dichotomies rather than spectrums, and B. to ascribe gender to them and make them polarities). These form the sides of a mutually reinforcing power structure (in the typical “Iron Triangle” fashion) designed to preserve and maintain the status quo.

Who really benefits from say, the policing of what is or is not “canon” in Star Wars? Disney, first and foremost. And then whomever (almost certainly male) decides to dedicate their time to memorizing the minutiae of whatever that corporation has decided is “legitimate.”

One can imagine a universe in which fan fic is recognized by companies for what it is: free advertising. (Much like fan art already is.) Instead, it is specifically targeted by demonetization efforts in a way that fan art isn’t. Why? Because it demonstrates that corporate control and “official” sanction has no bearing on quality, and it is thus viewed as undermining the official products.

In the same way, by demonstrating that most “canonical” works are frankly shit, it undermines the investiture of fans in focusing on details that are ultimately errata (the events, the plot, the genre), which is the core function of curative fandom and the reason for its hierarchical structure. The people who “know the most” are at the top, but what they “know” is basically useless garbage. And those people so-engaged are, of course, usually male.

To “destroy” the basis of their credibility, and indeed the very purpose of their community, is naturally viewed by them as an attack.

(This is not to say that efforts to tear down internal consistency within established cultural properties are good unto themselves, or even desirable. For example, efforts to redefine properties such as Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who, and Ghostbusters, for the sake of a identity-politics agenda have largely A. failed as art, B. failed as entertainment, C. failed to attract the supposedly intended audience, and D. failed to advance the agenda in question. Trying to repurpose extant media in the name of culture wars is essentially always doomed to failure unless it is done deftly and gradually.)

(At the same time, this also shows what I was talking about last time, with regard to people seeing whatever they want to see. You will see people complain that Star Trek and Doctor Who didn’t “used to be so political,” which is obviously nonsense. These shows were always political. What changed was how their politics were presented. For example, Star Trek has, since TNG, always shown a nominally socialist or outright communist future, but was beloved by plenty of conservatives because they could [somehow] ignore that aspect of it.)

Of course, almost no one is seriously suggesting that one side of the spectrums outlined above be destroyed, rather merely that a new balance be struck upon the spectrum. But, as we have seen time and again in society, any threat to the status quo, whether that be 20% of Hugo Awards going to non-white male authors or the top income tax rate in America being increased by a measly 5.3% (from 28.7% to 34%… when the all-time high was 94% and for over 50 years it was above 50%) is a threat. This is why, for example, Republicans are out there branding AOC as a “socialist” when her policies are really no different at all from a 1960 Democrat who believed in FDR’s New Deal. (Which they, of course, have also demonized as “socialism.”)

(As an aside, all this ignores the fact that most of the “literary canon” of Western civilization, or at least English literature… is Biblical or historical fan fic.)

And this is when I finally get to my point.

Those people out there who denigrate and mock shippers and shipping, the people who hurl “it reads like fan fiction” as an insult, and so on, are the people who benefit from and enjoy the extant power structure. You will see the same thing with self-identified “gamers” complaining about “fake girl gamers.” Admitting that the hobby has a lot of women in it, and a lot of “casuals,” and is indeed increasingly dominated by “non-traditional demographics” is an affront to the constructed identity of being a “gamer.” They are “losing control.” And they don’t like it.

This exact same sort of population is what the “fanbase” of Bleach has been largely reduced down to through a slow boiling off of any actual quality. Of course they’re dismissive of people who are looking for anything of substance: their identity, their “personal relationship” with the franchise, is founded on a superficial appreciation of it: things happening, flashy attacks, eye-catching character designs, fights, etc.

(What this really boils down to, at heart, is that society at large has generally told men that emotions are bad, romance and relationships of all kinds are gross, and that thinking and reflecting on things is stupid. So of course they not only don’t care about such things, but actively sneer at them as “girly” or “feminine,” which is again defined by society at large as strictly inferior. And this gender divide and misogyny is of course promulgated and reinforced by the powers that be, the capitalists, to facilitate class divisions just like say racism generally is.)

(The latest trick of these corporate overlords has been the weaponization of “woke” culture to continue to play the people off one another all the time. “If you don’t like this [poorly written, dimensionless Mary Sue] Strong Female Character, then you are a racist misogynist!” They are always only ever playing both sides for profit, not advancing an actual ideological position. It is worth noting that there was a push by IH some years ago to define IR as “anti-feminist” for critiquing Orihime for essentially the exact same reasons [admittedly, not for profit, but still as critical cover].)

Which makes it very curious, therefore, that the most ardent IH supporters tend to be women. (Though there are more than a few men, they seem to tend to support it because it is “canon” and to attack it is to attack “canon” and thus trigger all of the above, rather than out of any real investment.) I think there are a number of reasons for this (which I have detailed before) and at any rate it is not particularly surprising; 53% of white women voted for Trump, after all.

What we are really seeing in fandom, are again the exact same dynamics that we see at larger and larger scales, for the exact same reasons. The stakes are smaller, but the perception of the power struggle is exactly the same.

Of course, the people who are involved in these things rarely think to interrogate themselves as to the true dimensions and root causes of their motivations. People rarely do that in general.

Putting all that aside, I’m glad that you have found a place you enjoy and feel comfortable, and thank you for the kind words, although I am not of the opinion that there is anything poignant about the non-fiction I write. It is, as I keep trying to emphasize, all there to be seen. One just has to open their eyes. So, it’s hard for me to accept appreciation of it.

Anyway, don’t feel shy about coming off of anon rather than continuing to send asks. We don’t really bite.

#Asks

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lovebunnie · 5 years ago

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fr the poem questions: all of them >: )c

jared... only for you...

the tyger – are you a taker of calculated risks or do you enjoy playing with fire? would you rather ask for permission or forgiveness?

i am a major rule follower, i am not at all adventurous and i like to stay in my comfort zone. my life is a mix of staying true to my comfort zone and doing what I feel is right, first instinct.

i carry your heart with me – do you believe in fate? what’s your secret to living a good life?

i tend to not believe in fate, it tends to make people not take responsibility for their actions and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth; predestination takes away humility from us. and i wouldnt say that im currently living a good life, its getting there but more often then not i would not describe my days as ‘happy’, more so just another day. but to make a day not outwardly bad, i firmly believe in having a really good breakfast in the morning and taking a shower at night. both of those really make my days better.

i wandered lonely as a cloud – what does nature mean to you? where do you feel most at peace?

nature for me is what comes to us instinctively and what we turn to for comfort in trying times. i feel the most at peace either at summer camp or in my bedroom with my cat :3

blackberrying – what were your early years like? do you miss being a child?

my early years were very happy, i was a very happy and funloving child. it was a time where i wasnt told about any of my family drama so i lived in blissful ignorance. i definitely miss being a child, all the way up to about 7th grade. its just been downhill from 8th grade and on.

ode to a nightingale – how do you feel about your own mortality? do you believe in life after death?

my mortality is something of a burden i carry with me everyday, a reminder that every minute is precious and this is the only life i get, i have one shot to not fuck it up. i dont believe in the afterlife, the concept of death is something that if i think too hard about then itll fuck me up.

hope is the thing with feathers – what gives you hope? what would you tell your 10-year-old self?

hope comes from those news stories about good news, like charity donation goals being hit and remembered anniversaries and flower bouquets in public, there is good in the world and sometimes its hard to find but its always there. to my 10 year old self, i would tell her to not hold too tightly to those around you, and that life constantly changes so dont get too attached or comfortable because itll prevent you from growing in the future.

the road not taken – do you find it hard to make decisions? what regrets do you have?

its really hard to make decisions because i always assume that my ideas are wrong or bad so if someone else takes the lead, i cant be blamed. as far as regrets, i wish that in my past, i just put myself out there more. i couldve spent highschool actively seeking for possibilities instead of sulking and wishing they came to me. they dont ever, you have to find them.

still i rise – what's your relationship with yourself like? what are your best qualities?

i have a bad relationship to myself; if i admire one trait about myself, the other traits must be less than. for example, if i think i look nice one day, then i remember abt my grades or my writing and how much i hate both of those. i can never be fully at peace, it will never be enough to sate my psyche. my ‘best’ qualities depend on the day, right now i think i have nice eyelashes.

howl – can you express yourself freely? do you feel smothered by societal norms?

i struggle everyday to be my genuine self. its not so much societal norms but my own mind; i want to look nice but i dont want to attract too much attention. i want to be remembered but not for how good my ass looks or whatever. my biggest fear is that people see me as something desirable but only sexually so i want to dress how i feel but i cant because im terrified of the gaze of men on my campus.

the raven – are you in touch with your feelings? how would you describe the relationship between emotions & rationality?

im extremely in touch with my feelings. i can acknowledge when i am angry or sad or happy, even if i dont know why. i allow myself to feel my feelings and then let them pass, i hate bottling those things up. between emotions and rationality, i use my emotions 9 times out of 10. i ask myself, ‘what do i want?’ and the first thing i come up with, i know is what i truly want to do.

sonnet 116 – how do you define love? what qualities do you look for in a significant other?

i think love is everything; its the warmth of hanging out with familiar people, its when people remember facts about you, its a meaningful hug and its ‘this reminded me of you’. its different for everyone but i feel love in everything i do. in a significant other, the biggest thing is being able to make me laugh, if youre funny than im sold.

to autumn – what's your favorite season and why? what cherished memories do you associate with that season?

my favorite season is winter because it has lots of holiday warmth, good food, pleasant childhood memories, and comfortable clothing. also i love snow. i have very vivid memories of a blizzard in maryland when i was 11(?) years old, my neighbor tied a sled to the back of his ATV and dragged us around the cul de sac, it was so much fun!!

the waste land – do you like big cities? if you could choose any place on earth, where would you settle down?

i love big cities, they evoke so many feelings of love and the atmosphere being surrounded by people makes me so happy! if i could live anywhere, i think it would be san francisco, i love the city and the weather and the public transportation!!

o captain! my captain! – what are your aspirations in life? what motivates you?

in life, i want to give a tedtalk. i would also love to publish a book but i dont like what i write so if i ever did, id end up hating the book anyway in a year or so. i want to teach people the joy of public speaking and i want to give kids the joys i had given to me by my teacher when i was their age. my motivation comes from, this has to be done and if no one else will do it, it might as well be me. i have the passion and everything else will follow after that.

she walks in beauty – what's your aesthetic? how would you describe the relationship between inner goodness & outer beauty?

id describe my aesthetic as lovecore, i love the color pink and red and hearts and flowers and teddy bears and dresses and sparkles and valentines day and i love everything stereotypically ‘cute’. and i feel there is no outer beauty without inner goodness, if someone has bad intentions or a rotten core, their outward appearance will reflect.

one art – how do you deal with loss? do you write diary entries, poetry or prose?

thankfully i have not had to go through tremendous loss in my life but when i feel an emotional loss or general low point, i tend to move towards art, aimless doodling to take my mind off of situations. it centers me.

work, sometimes – how does your favorite weather make you feel? what is happiness to you?

my favorite weather makes me feel SO happy, all smiley and giddy and like things are going to be okay, just for one day, i will make this a good one. happiness to me is comfort and joy, its something that makes you laugh until your sides hurt and its art that you look at and feel. happiness isnt a huge moment, its little moments scattered throughout the days.

acquainted with the night – do you think there's such thing as the right time? what’s your outlook on the world?

no, i dont like to set things off for the thought of there being a right and wrong time. time isnt real and we only have so long on earth so there is no time but the present. go get that tattoo, ask them out, eat that snack. my outlook on the world is that there is a lot of bad shit but there is also a lot of good shit you will never see but it important nonetheless. you cant change the world in a day so you might as well take it one day at a time, working everyday to make it as good as possible.

if – do you daydream a lot? are you volatile, or do you stay calm when conflicts arise?

i love to day dream, it helps me determine what i really want and its a lovely distraction when the goings get tough. i try to avoid conflicts in every situation possible but if i were pushed, id either accept my mistake and apologize and work towards a better future; or i would tell the other person how im feeling and what i can do to help them feel better.

what would i give? – do you cry often? if you could change anything about your past, what would it be?

things make me sad but rarely enough to cry, things more so tend to weigh me down then break me. i let the sadness take me however it sees fit. and if thats to cry, so be it. if i could change anything about my past, i would just say that you will only get this chance to start over in a new state once, the years will go by quick so to TAKE OPPORTUNITIES WHEN THEY SHOW THEM SELF TO YOU!!!!!!

#adoration #rockcandey #stan tag #this took so long

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deniigi · 6 years ago

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Hello! Just about to sit down and read your newest fic, so excited about it! I had a question for you (you very well may have answered this already, so sorry in advance!), but do you have advice for writing? Advice in terms of getting start, plotting out stories, helping get the creative juices flowing? I have all these ideas but seem to lack the drive to get things written out. I know the best advice is to just write, but I'm having a horrible time starting. What do you do in those moments?

Hello my dear!

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. The lord has blessed me with a head cold and ruined all my plans of productivity for the day, so I can finally answer this ask! I’ll talk a little bit about both how to get started with a story and then some little things that help me motivate myself.

I have started a tag for writing advice here: http://deniigi.tumblr.com/tagged/writing-advice

This is going to be a long post, sorry mobile users.

I am going to preface all of this with the understanding that I am technically a professional writer in terms of like, a handful of ways, but I have absolutely zero training in creative writing, so take everything I say with a grain of salt!

So, I personally find that, on the whole, that psychological hurdle of getting started comes a lot from the anticipation of the kind of response a story will get (how many hits, how many comments, how many kudos) in addition to a bit of anxiety or fear over theloss of sustained interest in that story (by yourself and/or by your audience). I find that this can be alleviated by really, truly internalizing the understanding that you are allowed to write your work however you damn please, for whoever you damn please.

There will be work you write for others, and there will be work you write for yourself. Not all work needs to be published; sometimes, it is really nice to just write shit for yourself; it is a plus for humanity if you decide to share it with others, but you do not have to do that.

Furthermore, I would like to present you with this:

This is what my current folder for under fire looks like. And you might notice that there are almost always multiple drafts per chapter. Yes, I did in fact rewrite chapter four 5 fucking times, you bet your ass I did. And I’m not ashamed of it. I think the story is better for it. And that’s the important thing here: you do not need to produce a perfect draft the first time around. You will not produce that perfect draft. Accept this. Embrace this. Embrace it and your cat at the same time to really ingrain it as a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Liberate yourself from the pressure of needing to produce the perfect, most right draft and you may find starting the piece overall to be a much easier, more pleasant experience.

And along with this beautiful, uplifting spiritual advice, I also bring a practical thought: when it comes to getting started, a lot of times, people feel like they need to set the stage, yadda yadda yadda. Ha. No. Fuck that.

That’s a surefire way to bore the shit out of yourself. Start right in the middle of a scene that captivates you if that’s what you want to write. It’s a free platform. No one’s gonna arrest you if you stick Spiderman upside down in trash first thing. They might even applaud you actually, because you didn’t make them slog through some of that ‘It was the evening of the 25th and it was cold out in the streets” bullshit we all learned from Dickens.

Alright. Now let’s talk about actually getting started making words appear on paper.

So, from my knowledge there are generally two ways that folks write creatively. You have what I’m going to call the planners and then you what I’m going to call the monsters (I call them this entirely affectionately, I’m sure there’s a better word for these folks, but I don’t have it atm, all I have is a headcold). Planners are folks who sit down and work out their major plot points, who write outlines, and who create the scaffolding of their work before they set out on their magical journey. I think of these folks as architects.

And then you have the monsters and these are those fuckers who just sit down and write stream of consciously like the heathens all our high school teachers tried to teach us not to be.

I am both a planner and a monster. And a lot of that depends on the length of work I’m going for. I have never in my life planned a one-shot, for example. I just attack that as it is. I follow my heart, if you will. But when it comes to longer chaptered fics, I really do think that some outlining is super helpful.

You might find it useful for one-shots, though, I dunno. Maybe give it a try and see what happens?

The two main fics I’ve done proper outlines for are Inimitable and under fire and I actually find outlining to be immensely helpful in psyching me up to write the story (I go through and re-read my outlines when I start to lose interest or diverge too much from the plot outlined there in the actual writing. 9 times out of 10, re-reading gets me stupid excited to write all over again) and it also helps me keep momentum going throughout the plot.

Here’s a pic of some pages of under fire’s outline.

Physically writing the work is really important for me because it forces me to only put down key points/feelings/ideas I want to include, whereas typing gives me far too much room to get lost/distracted by extraneous detail. And since my handwriting is a teacher’s worst nightmare and I cross out shit and write huge with emotion, I’ll give you a little bit of what the middle page here says:

Miles-

there’s something thrumming

vibrating in his ears wherever he goes

-closes his eyes and somehow enters blackness- emptyness (Stranger Things style)

beat

“help.”

–BACK - everything is gone

closing his eyes doesn’t bring the space back

–it makes him panic. He doesn’t know why. His heart is pounding. He’s sweating He has a horrible feeling of doom.

beat

its gone.

he goes home anxiously. Pretends everything is normal.

his neck crawls

So basically it’s less of a formal outline and more of a collection of stream of consciousness feelings and screenplay directions which I’ll flesh out in the actual story.

Personally, I love writing these kinds of things because they get me pumped for the story I’m about to tell. I get to write out the key scenes and work through all the hard parts first, and then, while I’m writing, I work through the little fun details and banter and I have to write to figure out how we get from one scene to the next and I love the challenge of having to fit those pieces together. I very rarely stick strictly to my outline, (as anyone who is currently reading under fire can tell you right now), but I do try to stick to the main plot points in it and my writing is certainly better for it.

So yes. Outlining is very good, but it is even better when you do it to some kind of music. I listened to What’s Up Danger from the Into the Spiderverse soundtrack on repeat while I wrote this outline to kind of transfer some of the relentless pace conveyed in that song to the piece’s plot.

I highly recommend using music to set the mood of your piece while/before you write a piece of any length. It helps get you in the right headspace (excited or somber or angry) to write. You need emotion to write creatively. You can’t just make that happen sometimes; you need a little help.

A couple other things which might help:

1. Leave your house or the space you’re normally in. Go to a cafe and find a nice corner and have a think and a try in there. Sometimes moving to a different space helps you escape cyclical thinking patterns.

2. Write what you want to read. Don’t bother writing for other peoples’ interests; that’ll just bore the shit out of you all over again.

3. Find an atmospheric mood sound to listen to on Youtube or smth (I personally like Rain on a Car Windshield for slightly somber fics, but you might be into ocean storms or dripping caves or whatever).

4. Heat your feet. I don’t know why but I am entirely unproductive when my feet are cold. Maybe this one is me-specific, but whatevs. Heat the feets!

5. If you’re still having trouble just sitting down and pounding the story out, that’s okay! Maybe it’s not ready to be written yet. Maybe you’re not in the right headspace yet. Sometimes that’s just how it is. One story makes its way out in like, a hour, and the next one takes like, months to finally be written. We all work at different paces. We all write for different reasons.

It might help to figure out why you want to write a story before you write it. Like, if its for attention, it’s gonna be hard as hell. But if there’s an idea that you feel like is important or if there’s a mood you’re trying to work yourself into or out of, then that might be a little easier. For example, I wrote a piece called make it work which is about Fogs finding his motivation to be a lawyer and fight for justice when Kavanaugh was confirmed and I felt super helpless in the face of our present justice system. That story kind of wrote itself and it needed to be written, I feel, not just for me, but for others who were feeling just as helpless.

Writing is catharsis in that way. Maybe you just need to find out what you need to wring out of your soul.

Sorry that got very metaphysical. But I do want to stress that getting started and ending a story are the hardest parts of writing them, so you are definitely not alone if you feel like you’re ramming your head into a wall here.

I hope something here helps you, my dear!

#fic #writing advice #fanfiction #managingmischiefsince1988

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jewishangus · 7 years ago

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(I'm not even sure if this is the place to ask, sorry if this is a weird question haha) I'm a fanfiction writer and now that angus has been confirmed jewish I don't want to ignore that part of him in my future works. But I know literally nothing about what it means to be jewish. As a jewish fanfiction writer yourself, do you have any advice about how I could respectfully write a jewish angus?

no its a great question!!!! dont worry about asking - if anything, im super glad you’re looking to create good representation!! (and humbled that you’re here asking me? fuck)

tl;dr: being respectful really just means putting thought into your character, and treating judaism like you would any other facet of someone’s personality. most of the time, it won’t be that prominent! but if you don’t think about it, you’re going to end up writing it badly.

under the readmore, however: how to approach thinking about judaism and working it into a character.

ok first of all, if you’re not jewish and know nothing about judaism, there’s a couple of things you should get.

first: ethnicity is key.i’ll leave you to do the googling on the terms - the key to all good representation is research - but if youre european/american, you most likely adhere to a denomination (which, for the numerical majority of jews, is either orthodox, conservative, or reform), if you’re from the middle east/north africa/actual real africa/far east, or live in israel now, you’re likely not to.

second: surprisingly, politics dont matter. tradition, however, does.you can be liberal and orthodox and conservative and reform, even though orthodox judaism is the more traditional/patriarchal in nature of the two denominations. but you’ve probably heard of if not seen fiddler on the roof - its incredibly hard to stray against what you’ve been raised when youre jewish, mostly because most of your jewish identity comes from your parents and your history! a lot of people do, especially on the political front. but even if people differ from their parents politically, they might not do so jewishly.

third: jews are a nation as well as a religion.jewish culture exists (though it’s different for people of different ethnicities), a jewish language exists, a jewish history exists (even though schools suck at teaching all of it), and jewish national sovereignty also exists and is important - hence, israel. at the same time, a jewish biblical canon exists, and jewish books of law exist, and those two have to coexist together. for some jews, both are equally important. some prioritize one over the other, and do so in different ways.

last: stereotypes are…. actually kind of important.jews love to argue. true. jewish overbearing moms exist. also true. jews control all the money in the world? actually, we joke about that a lot, but sadly that isn’t true. however, for a nation with only ~15 million people, you’ll find us in a lot of high places; we’ll attribute that mostly to our brains, though.when you’re writing stereotypes, think about them. every jewish person thinks about them differently and treats them differently. people who grew up in more of a jewish bubble tend to be more comfortable with them than those who arent.whatever you do, though, dont avoid them like the plague. a lot of them are true, and cute, and a lot of them are something id love to see in fic! as an example, take a line from one of my wips: “So, deep down, Davenport knew it wasn’t a coincidence that when he collected the seven, they all turned out to be Jewish. It’s the Jew-dar, Merle jokes sometimes, or the “you were looking for smart people, what’d you expect?” that Taako said once, but their captain’s more serious than that. He thinks it’s destiny.”

there’s two different stereotypes in there: jews are smart, and the jew-dar, which is more a pun off of the gay-dar than anything. and yet, they’re used light-heartedly, for a laugh that doesn’t poke fun! kind of in the same way angus was confirmed to be jewish.

ok, now that that’s done with, a disclaimer that i implied heavily in the last bit but is very worthy to say outright:

every jew is different!

when you’re writing a jewish character, this is the most important thing to keep in mind. a person can’t be just jewish, they’re jewish and [insert race/ethnicity] and [insert gender] and [insert age] and [insert socio-economic status] and [insert sexuality] and i can just go on and on and on, because even the men in black hats in nyc’s diamond district have a story and other facets of their personality.

so the key to write a jewish character is not to throw everything else in the garbage - in fact do exactly the opposite. decide everything else first, and then use that to reverse-engineer their judaism.now, this is true even for people who see judaism as their salient identity, like me! even if judaism is the most important thing in their lives, it’s that along with everything else that builds character.

let’s try it with angus, shall we?

okay, so who is angus?

-he’s a boy-he’s 11-he is, for whatever reason, mostly disconnected from his birth family-he loves to learn - an academic at heart-he’s fancy - his birth family was probably rich, or at least he knows his manners.

and if you wanna do some world-building you can - how do jews in faerun deal with magic/other gods/the astral plane/etc? thats a whole other post, but it’s interesting to think about in regards to angus’s psyche.

okay, let’s do this:

we don’t know angus’s race. if he’s white, what denomination does he slide into, if any? if he’s black, he’s either ethiopian or his family converted at some point in his history or he’s an extremely rare character. either way, his generation is probably like. one of the first to integrate into modern judaism. what’s that like?

he’s a kid. his judaism is going to change over time! how serious is he about it now? is it a source of fun for him, a source of serious learning, or a mix of both? does he make sure to follow the laws, clearing his dorm of bread on passover or fasting on yom kippur or keeping shabbat/kosher, or does he just light candles for hanukkah and eat dairy on midsummer?

where is his family, and why would they have left him? the days of ditching your kid in fear of him growing up bad have been behind us for millennia. if his family is shitty or dead, where’s the extensive community that usually backs up kids of his character? does he still have a network? does he go back and visit?

he found a new family in the bureau and the ipre - are they jewish? do they support him or just leave him be?

he is a boy genius, in most understandings of the term. does he speak hebrew? know torah trope or prayer or jewish law? or is he more of a jewish history buff? or does he like secular subjects better, struggling over yet appreciating the old text yet turning his attention to something else? judaism seriously endorses academia - is that where he got his love for it from?

if he’s fancy, is he traditional? does he wear tzizit under his clothes or was his family not that jewish when they got rich?

the answers to all of these questions are going to create the kind of jew you want angus to be!

and yet -

you can incorporate all of this character-building into angus and end up writing him the same way as you have this whole time - it all depends on the scene you’re writing him in.

your angus could be the same except he interrupts to ask a question about a religion/custom that’s different than his own. he could be the same except fixing the tzizit under his clothes is a fidget of his. you know what? his judaism is probably only going to come up in little snippets anyway - he could be asking taako which ones are the meat forks and which are the dairy ones, or magnus could play keep-away with his kippah, or lucretia could find him in his room studying torah. or maybe it comes up in conversation? maybe someone calls him a genius and he blushes and says he kinda struggles with his hebrew homework sometimes, and then the conversation moves on as if he hadn’t mentioned judaism at all.

so what do these questions answer, exactly? whether those snippets, those pieces of judaism that work his way into his daily life, are even there to begin with.

does it come up in conversation? does he spend his free time studying torah? does he wear a kippah or tzizit? does he care about meat and dairy forks? does he end up going on an extreme teen adventure and ask a bunch of questions or is he worried about merle preaching?

those are up to you, and those decisions are what im working to educate on in this post.

anyways, that’s about all i got! if you wanna find out more about judaism, feel free to ask - i was trying to avoid giving you a crash course on my religion and more focusing on how to incorporate it into a character, but if the former was what you were looking for, hit me up and ill write another 1500 words for you!

hope i could help, and happy writing!

#eden talks #Anonymous #the adventure zone #taz #angus mcdonald #judaism #this is important guys #fuck thanks so much for the question anon!#im honored you thought me important enough to answer #and tried my best

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goodgodbean · 7 years ago

Text

Written On This Skin - Soulmate! Luke Hemmings

A/N - Hey! This is a complete version of my series of Written on this skin, which was a 13 part series. This is 13,447 words. I’m sorry for those who don’t want to read this and have to endure endless scrolling.

Masterlist

+++

“‘History test - Tuesday, Psych hw pages 120-124’, and oh look ‘coffee with Tom 5pm.’ Its like she forgets she has a Soulmate!” Luke wines to his bandmate, Ashton. Ashton was the only one left who would listen to his nagging about a soulmate.

Once your soulmate is born, whatever you write on your skin will appear on their’s. With the annoying exception of specific locations and full names. Luke particularly didn't like that rule, because whenever he tried to write to his soulmate he could never put his full name down.

Trying to communicate with your soulmate through writing is very common, and most of the time people find loopholes to the system, song lyrics for example. But Luke’s soulmate was not having it. She wouldn't respond to anything he wrote. Instead just putting little notes for herself on her body. It drove Luke crazy, looking at all these little notes about her life, but not being able to be there with her.

“Ashton, I’m never going to find her,” Luke whines. Ashton shakes his head, “Maybe its not a her” He says with a smirk

Luke groans at Ashton’s antics. “Let me check…. Yeah I’m positive its a her.” Luke snaps back, causing Ashton to laugh. “I just wish i could be like… Hey its me Luke Hemmings and then like meet her at a concert or something,” Luke dreams

“You’re so lazy.” Ashton accused. “It should be more natural than that. ‘Hey Im Luke Hemmings come find me’” Ashton says, mocking the boy next to him.

“But that’s exactly what you did. You told Emily that you were the drummer in 5 seconds of summer, and you met at a concert” Luke accused back at the drummer.

“So? You can’t just take our story” Emily says coming into the room. The rest of the boys from 5sos had already found their soulmates, Luke is the last one still stuck wondering. Luke liked the rest of the girls, they were down to earth and they are all fans of 5sos previously.

“Hey, Em, How should I get my soulmates attention?” Luke asks the girl, who sat down next to Ash. It’s common to have the girls on tour with them since after a few days of not seeing your soulmate, you will get ill or be in physical pain. Emily contemplates the question for a second before saying, “Have you tried to write her some song lyrics?” “You mean like Michael and Jackie?” Luke asks, trying to remember their soul story.

“Damn, I forgot about that!” Emily yells, causing a scolding from Ash for swearing. “I don't know, do what feels right”

“What feels right right now is to call her out on stage,” Luke mutters, but Ashton and Emily hear him.

“Do what?”

“Thats a bad idea” Emily and Ashton say this at the same time, causing them to look at each other and smile. Then they are back to serious-problem-solving-couple.

“Have you never read a fanfic?” Emily asks, her eyes wide.

“Not really,” Luke answers scratching the back of his neck.

“Well, I’ll tell you how this ends. Thousands of girls are going to claim to be your soulmate, and then you are going to actually think one of them is, and then one day your going to discover that they aren't and you and your soulmate are going to be heartbroken. Trust me Luke. Let fate do its thing.” Emily explains to Luke. Luke doesn't have a comeback this time.

He stares angrily at his skin.

Y/N stares angrily at her skin.

She wishes she was clever enough to come up with song lyrics to tell him where she was and maybe who she is. When Y/N was younger she claimed that she wanted her soulmate to come naturally. No loopholes, no nothing. So here she was stuck writing stupid notes on her hand, so he at least knows she exists. He used to write back, with clever lyrics. It killed her to not respond.

Y/N gets a text on her phone suddenly. It’s her best friend. She had been blabbering on about a concert in a couple days that she couldn't get tickets to. You were a fan of the band but not a huge fan. She just texted you that she won some tickets. You decide to write a quick note on your arm about the concert

Luke is surprised when he sees whats written on his arm now.

“Guys look!” He yells, calling his bandmates and their girlfriends over. They all ooh and ahh at the ink on his arm.

+++

“5sos Thurs. 5pm” was written on Luke’s arm. He couldn't be happier. He was going to meet his soulmate in two days. His heart hasn't stopped beating wildly for the past hour when the note showed up. Maybe this is her way of communicating? Maybe she wanted him to come… well jokes on her he’s performing.

“How am i going to find her though?” Luke asks the group… again. When the news spread among the band that she was going to be at the concert everyone was excited and jumping around. Now, an hour later, everyone has dulled a little, well except for Luke.

This will complete everything that Luke has ever wanted. Luke wanted to be in a good band with his best mates, check. Luke wants a soulmate to share his success with. He wants someone who he can bring along on tour with him and will enjoy it. Luke wants to give someone the world.

“Should I write back?” Luke asks his friends. They all perk up at the new proposition.

“Um Fuck yeah!” Yells Emily, Ashton’s soulmate.

“Don’t fucking swear” Ashton scolds, just as he did to the band in the early days.

“I don’t care… Im punk rock!” Emily yells, stealing Michaels infamous line. She throws her hands into the air. Ashton takes the chance to squeeze her sides making her giggle like a little girl. Luke watches this all go down, excited that one day soon he will have that. He will have a girl that he can tease, and love. And she will love him back too.

“Hey thats my line!” Michael yells playfully.

Luke turns to the rest of the group, “What do you think?” Everyone nods in agreement with Emily. Luke is practically jumping in his seat now. “what should i write?”

“Something mysterious,” Says Jackie, Michael’s soulmate. She pops a can of soda open and take a huge gulp. Michael reaches to the bottom of the can and pretends to lift up. The rest of the group laughs at what could’ve happened if Michael decided to shove the can.

“How about something simple, like hey ima be there too,” Calum proposes, being sensible for once. Luke nods along to the idea.

“How about a little of both? Mysterious yet simple?” Emily proposes. She grabs Jackie’s can of soda and takes a big swig out of it, causing Jackie to yell, “hey!”

Luke leans over and places his arm on the Desk in the Hotel room. Everybody crowds around awaiting what he is about to write.

He places the pen down on his arm and begins to write.

She places the pen down on the paper and begins to write.

Essays for this and Essays for that. There is always so much work to be done. It’s while Y/N is doing her work her arm begins to tickle. She looks down to see words appearing onto her arm after so long. “I’ll be looking out into the crowed for you” What the hell does that mean? He’ll be looking out into the crowed? You look at the other things you’ve written on your arm as if it’ll give you an explanation. You finally spot something that may be of help. “5sos Thurs. 5pm” Was he talking about that concert?

You faintly remember that all the boys had their soulmates, but to check you look it up. Luke Hemmings. He was the only one who didn’t have a soulmate. Then you think its ridiculous and look up the opening act, Hey Violet. The two boys in the band had already found their soulmates, and you were pretty sure you weren't into girls.

So you were left with Luke Hemmings. Lead singer. Loved by many. It was a split second decision. You know it was going against your promise, but you had to write back.

“‘Lead Singer?’ guys! she wrote back!” Luke yelled, even though his friends were only a few feet away. Everybody quickly starts to ask him what it says.

“She asked if i was the lead singer!” Luke yells, he grabs a marker and writes back.

“Yes” Was the immediate response Y/N got. Her breath hitches.

“Two days” Is what Luke got in return. He would see his soulmate in two days.

+++

It seemed to good to be true. The radio station had given Y/N and Alyssa (your friend who won the tickets), backstage passes too. She was going to be able to see him before the show. He was going to know who Y/N was, in just a couple of hours.

This is when it begun.

First It was the curling iron. Alyssa’s hair just has to be curled, because if Michael saw her, there was no way she would have strait hair. So Y/N had to go to the store to get a curling iron, but only a specific type of curling iron. It had to be one with a ceramic iron. So Y/N got the correct curling iron after driving to about three stores to find it. Then once Alyssa’s hair is properly curled, you were off.

Second, you had started about an hour later than you planned, but you were scheduled to get there on time, well if it weren't for the traffic. When you think of traffic you think of plenty of cars on the road, but you were moving. Even if it was just a little. This was stand-still traffic. It would take you an hour to get there without traffic, but now it had taken five.

Y/N missed the concert. She missed the concert by a long shot. I they wouldn't even let the girls into the venue, since there was only about ten minutes left when they got there.

It killed Y/N to miss it. Not just miss the Meet & Greet, but the whole concert.

Luke had kept on putting little cute notes on his arm. They were small things like “I can’t wait to see you” or “I will always find you in a crowed” and the ever so famous words that Michael wrote on his arm, “Hey you got a bangin’ body” in which Luke wrote under “from Michael”

Luke assumed that when he got on stage, that he would get a feeling, or his eyes would meet her’s. Or any of the cliche’s that Emily, Ashton’s soulmate, was feeding him. But there was nothing. There was no feeling, no eye contact, and no explanation written on his skin.

When they all got off stage the first time, the boys all looked at Luke for an explanation. They were all prepared to stop in the middle of any song, just incase he found her. Luke never stopped though. He never stopped a song, and he never stopped looking for her.

“Did you see her?” Michael asks, bouncing on his toes.

“Nothing. I didn't see her. I didn't even feel like she was there!” Luke cried out. “Maybe its some joke that she's playing on me?” Luke wonders

“Thats a sick joke, if she is” Ashton says, and the other boys agree with him.

“C’mon we gotta go back onstage,” Luke says and they all run out again.

When the boys go back to the dressing room, the girls were waiting for them. Emily, Ashton’s soulmate comes running and jumps on Luke, causing Ashton to give out a little whine, “She’s my soulmate”

“Where is she? Where?” Emily says, bouncing around, trying to get a good look over Luke’s shoulder.

“She wasn’t out there,” Luke says gruffly, causing the whole room to still. The girls were very excited to meet the last person in their own foursome. The girls Emily, Jackie (Michaels soulmate), and Alex (Calum’s soulmate), all became very close with each other on tour. Although there always felt like something was missing in the small group of girls, they always assumed that it was because Luke’s soulmate wasn't there.

“What?” Emily says in complete surprise

“She wasn't out there,” Luke repeats pushing past the girls and flopping down on one of the couches. He looks down at his arm again, hoping that she would give him some type of explanation to why she just ditched him.

Its about an hour or so later when they leave the stadium to go to their hotel rooms. The stadium is empty, just like Luke’s heart. They ride up in the elevator, and break apart to go to their respective hotel rooms. Once again, Luke was left with a single king bed in his room, and nobody to share it with. He sits down and contemplates what could’ve happened tonight… if only she showed up!

Michael bursts into Luke’s room. “We’re getting McDonalds, wanna come?” He asks

‘No’ was ready on the edge of Lukes lips, but he just couldn't push it out. Instead he nods and goes with the blond boy.

“Lets go to McDonalds!” Y/N begs her friend, Alyssa.

“Why?”

“I’m hungry!” It was a lie. She wasn't hungry. She just didn't want to leave yet. Her soulmate was only going to be in this area for today and tomorrow, and she already wasted today. Y/N just wanted to stay in the area in hopes to see him. She didn’t write anything on her arm to tell him. What would she say? ‘hey sorry there was traffic?’ Pathetic. Alyssa didn't know to boot. How were you supposed to tell your best friend, “hey the guy your crushing on? In that band? Yeah he’s my soulmate”. Yeah, that wouldn't go over well. Alyssa would probably use it to boost her Twitter fame or message Luke. Y/N and Alyssa were sitting in a booth near the door when Alyssa spots them.

“Omg, Oh my lord, Its them!” She stage whispers to Y/N.

“Who?” Y/N asks turning in her seat. Alyssa reaches out and snags Y/N’s arm, pulling her back down into her seat.

“Don’t look!” Alyssa says like its the most obvious thing in the world. “Its Five Seconds of Summer!” She says with a little yelp and giggle. “And their soulmates,” Alyssa adds on darkly. Alyssa would like to say that the fandom liked the soulmates, and they totally do! But everyone in the fandom can’t help but be a little salty that they weren't 5sos’s soulmates. Luke is still up for grabs though. Nobody knows who his soulmate could be.

“I’m going to go talk to them” Y/N announces to Alyssa, about to stand up.

“What? are you crazy? You gotta play it cool!” Alyssa insist, standing up herself. Y/N lets out a little laugh at the memory of Alyssa’s last ‘playing it cool’ act.

Y/N leans back in her side of the booth. “go ahead, i’l watch from here!” Y/N says, just as Luke spots her.

+++

Luke couldn't breath. That was her, sitting in the booth, just across the McDonalds. He could take three steps (five for a regular sized person) and he would be in reaching distance with his soulmate. His heart couldn't take it. He takes a step towards her.

Luke’s friends looks at him with curiosity. Wondering why he was looking at some girl in the middle of a McDonalds like she was his hope.

Then it hit Emily, Ashton’s soulmate, like a ton of bricks, “Guys! Do you think that’s her?” Emily stage whispers to the rest. Everyone gives suspicious nods.

Then Luke bumps into Alyssa.

Y/N watches Luke and Alyssa from the booth. “Excuse me,” Luke says, trying to be polite, his attention was on the girl in the booth. He tries to step around Alyssa. Alyssa moves to block his way again.

“Oh! I am just so sorry!” Alyssa says. Y/N watches as she pretends to drop something and proceeds to stick her butt in Luke’s face. Y/N silently giggles from her seat a few feet away. Alyssa was not the smoothest person… like ever. Y/N stands slightly to get a better angle

Then Y/N makes eye contact with Luke. The whole world stopped. His eyes were as blue as the liquid they use in pad commercials. His dirty blonde hair flopped down across his forehead. He licked his lips, darkening the shade slightly.

Then Luke makes eye contact with her. The whole world stopped. Her hair, her clothes, she just looks perfect. You could say she looks so perfect standing there.

Y/N watches from a distance, although every inch of her body wanted to go to her soulmate. As much as she wants to actually meet Luke, Y/N also wanted to see what Alyssa would do next. A good friend would save her form embarrassment, a best friend would watch… then help. “Sorry!” Alyssa says again as Luke tries to move around her again and she blocks him… again. “Such a klutz!” She yells.

“Oh my lord! Move bitch!” The girl holding hands with Ashton yells. Her name is Emily if Y/N could remember it correctly. Alyssa looks taken aback and Y/N thinks this is a good time to say something.

“Hey! Don’t talk to my best friend like that!” Y/N yells back, moving out of the booth. Then she adds in a stage whisper, “bitch.” Emily gasps, tugging her hand out of Ashton’s.

“You want to go right now?” Emily yells, and Ashton places a hand on Emily’s shoulder. Y/N wasn’t sure if it was for reassurance or to hold her back, if necessary. Y/N is not one to back down from a fight, but now way was she a fighter herself. Luke looks at Y/N with wide eyes.

“You just insulted my best friend! Of course I’ll fight you!” Y/N screams. Everybody in the McDonalds is looking at them now. The employees were frozen in place, watching, but unsure of what to do. Do they call the cops? There wasn’t a fight… at least not yet. “Stop it!” Luke abruptly yells. It causes the two girls to shut up for a moment, giving Luke their attention. Luke turns to Emily, “Please shut up, she’s my soulmate!” He says in a stage whisper, hoping to sway her. Emily grumbles a little, but keeps her mouth shut. Then Luke does something nobody was expecting. He takes the last two steps between Y/N and him and wraps Y/N in his arms.

It’s like coming home, Y/N decides. Y/N never really had a home, she moved a lot and her parents were a nightmare. Luke, he felt warm, like baking cookies in the oven or talking to a best friend. He smelled of sweat, but Y/N didn’t mind.

It took a minute, but Luke finally breaks apart from her. It felt to Y/N as if she is suddenly missing something. She is missing his warmth.

“I thought you said you were going to be at the concert,” Luke says, cupping Y/N’s face in his hands.

“There was traffic, and a curling iron mishap,” Y/N begins to explain when suddenly she heard a screech. Y/N quickly pulls away from Luke to face her best friend, Alyssa.

“YOU KNEW!” Alyssa yells so loud that the restaurant shakes a little. “How long?” Alyssa demands.

“A few days,” Y/N says shyly.

“A FEW DAYS?” Alyssa yells again, in disbelief. “You didn’t tell me for a few days? I thought we told each other everything!” Alyssa yells, broken hearted.

“How was i supposed to tell you?” Y/N says despretly, she looks around at the restaurant for an answer. Y/N notices a few phones pulled out and pointed, no doubtedly on the camera app. “Let’s not do this here, Alyssa,” Y/N begs.

“You didn't tell me about Tom, you didn't tell me about the trip to Paris, and now this? Are we even friends?”

“Alyssa..”

“You went on that trip and didn't tell me! You were gone for days, and you wouldn't pick up your phone!” Alyssa yells. Y/N had really messed up this time. Y/N, over the past few years had a streak with Alyssa of not telling her what was going on in her life, breaking their first and vital rule as best friends: tell each other everything.

Tears were streaming down Y/N’s face now, Luke reaches over to wipe them away, but Y/N instinctively swats his hand away. “I said I was sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Luke!”

“Sorry isn't enough this time! I hope you have fun with your new friends.” With that Alyssa storms out.

Y/N was out of words. What just happened? One second she was defending her friend, then she met her soulmate? Then she gets into a fight with her friend? Y/N is left in the middle of McDonalds looking around for her own answer. Emily opens her mouth to speak, but Ashton quickly puts a hand over it, silencing whatever she was about to say.

Y/N turns to Luke, knowing what she had to do next. “I have to go after her,” Y/N says, as the only explanation. Then Y/N ran out into the warm summer night after her friend.

Luke was left in a McDonalds, phones pointed at him, his friends staring, and with absolutely nothing. He has nothing of her, not even a name. He didn't have a phone number. He didn't have a picture. The only thing he had was a memory.

+++

Y/N runs out of the restaurant. Her head is still spinning. It seemed like everything was going okay and then it all turned on the head. She still couldn’t really grasp what happened. All Y/N knows now is that she needs to find her best friend. Y/N’s head is on a swivel, looking left and right.

Y/N lets out a small breath of relief, when she spots Alyssa’s tight ringlets. Y/N rushes over to the girl, wrapping her arms around her body.

“Alyssa…” Y/N says.

“What?” Alyssa snaps, wriggling out of Y/N’s hold and snapping around to look at her.

“I’m sorry.”

“You always say that! And I always forgive you! Y/N… this was your soulmate. All I wanted was to be excited for you and experience it with you! Instead you ignore me!” Alyssa yells, grabbing tightly onto Y/N’s arms, trying to get her point across.

“I’m sorry! I was just so worried about what you might say or do, if I told you he was Luke Hemmings.” You try to explain, “I was worried you might try something or I don’t know,”

“You do know though,” Alyssa accused correctly.

“Yeah. I was worried that you would be jealous and try to use me to get to my soulmate,” You admit, worried what she might say.

“I’m a friend first, Y/N. I’m a fangirl second,” Alyssa says. And thats all you need to embrace each other again. “I still don't forgive you about the Paris thing though,” Alyssa says, surprising Y/N, “But I will forget,” Alyssa ends, causing both girls to laugh for a second.

They only laughed for a second, because then Alyssa’s big clunky purse was stolen. The girls glance at each other for a moment before running after the criminal. The girls were both in track, and although the guy was fast, the girls had technique to fall back onto. When reaching the guy, Y/N jumps onto his back, bringing him down, due to his unsteadiness. Alyssa reaches the thief second, she grabs her purse and proceeds to kick the man on his side. Y/N stands up herself and proceeds to do the same.

So thats how the three of them, a robber, Alyssa, and Y/N ended up in the back of a cop car. The girls were in there for Public Assault, while the robber for, well, robbing. The girls look at each other and gives out a silent giggle. This is one hell of a night.

This is one hell of a night, Luke thought. He and the rest of the band decide to get food and wait, hopefully Luke’s soulmate would come back. Luke thinks over his night. His soulmate missed his concert, but he found her in a McDonalds, picking a fight with Emily (Ashton’s soulmate). Then once Luke gets Emily to shut up, her friend… Alyssa was it? She starts yelling at his soulmate. Then Alyssa storms out, causing Y/N to leave only saying, “I have to go after her.” So yeah, it’s been one hell of a night for Luke.

It was about and hour or so later, since they finished their meal, and still no sign of Luke’s soulmate. Luke finds himself tapping to an unknown beat, and ignoring his friends conversation. All Luke can do is stare at he door, hoping that his mysterious soulmate would appear. Its another hour later when Alex, Calum’s soulmate suggests that they go back to the hotel. “No” was Luke’s first response.

“She might go to the Hotel,” Alex tries to rationalize.

“No, I’m sure she’ll come here,” Luke demands. The rest of the group nods a little, but Alex continues to push.

“How about some of us go to the hotel, just incase?” Alex says. Luke suspects that she is just tired. Of all the girls, Luke has spend the least time with Alex. So there is not much allegiance between the two of them. A wave of anger washes over Luke, didn’t Alex realize how important this is? She had already found her soulmate, but Luke is left empty. Didn’t she remember when she first met Calum? Didn’t she remember the best day of her life? Didn't she realize that the best day of his life was just pulled out from under Luke’s feet?

“She has a point,” Calum says after a few beats of nothing. Luke nods, understanding. If his soulmate was here he would back her up no matter what happened. “Me and Alex will go back,” Calum says, standing with Alex. They are about to walk away from the table when Luke speaks.

“Please just stay in the Lobby? Just incase?” Luke asks of his friend. Luke knows that plenty of fans know where they're staying, and so one girl, claiming to be Luke’s soulmate would not be let through. Even if she was the real thing. Calum gives Luke a subtle nod and they leave.

Luke places his head in his hands. Its been three hours since they finished their food. He could tell that everybody just wanted to go back to the hotel. They stayed for Luke though.

“Luke,” Ashton says, breaking the silence. The noise of talking died out about a half hour ago. Now all was left was little comments. “Luke, look at my phone,” Ashton passes his phone over to his friend. Then there she was. Luke lifts the phone, gently into his hands. On the phone is a video that was posted to twitter of Luke’s soulmate shouting at Emily, Luke hugging her, and then Alyssa shouting at his soulmate. The caption on the tweet, “Luke’s soulmate?” There wasn't a clear picture of her, her back faced towards the camera. But Luke would know her anywhere.

Luke looks up for the first time in a while. Hope is written on Ashton’s and Emily’s eyes. reassurance was in Mikey’s eyes, and Jackie (Michael’s soulmate) is sleeping on Michael’s shoulder. Although Calum and Alex wasn't here, he knew that they would be in the lobby, waiting for her to show up. All Luke could think about is how lucky he is to have these friends. That and he understands why she had to leave.

“Um, I’m sorry but you have to leave,” An employee says, sneaking up on the group. They collectively jump. They give him a dumb look. “It’s midnight, and we need to close,” He says as an explanation.

So they all stood, Mikey woke up Jackie, and they left. All Luke could think, is why didn't she come back?

+++

It’s the Morning when Y/N and Alyssa are released from the Police station. They had a court date in hand, and they were free to go. Alyssa has her phone whipped out in her had as Y/N calls a taxi.

“Did you find it yet?” Y/N asks anxiously. She tries to peer over at Alyssa’s phone, but Alyssa expertly moves it away.

“I’m trying, I’m trying!” Alyssa yells as the taxi pulled up. “Got it!” Alyssa yells, stepping into the taxi. Alyssa gives and Address to the driver and they are off.

When they arrive, there is a crowed of girls bunched at the door. They scream for Calum and his soulmate Alex. Y/N and Alyssa push through the crowed, (not easily, mind you) and they reach the door where there is a body guard posted. Y/N pushes past Alyssa to talk to the guard.

He beats her to the punch though, “May I see your keycard miss?” He asks, focusing his attention to Y/N.

“I don’t have one,” Y/N says, and is about to continue when he cuts her off.

“No keycard, no entry, sorry,” He says, not sounding sorry at all.

“Please let me in, Luke’s my soulmate,” Y/N begs, knowing that this is her only way in.

“Hah,” The body guard gives out a half-laugh, “That’s what they all say!” With that he dismisses the girls.

Y/N and Alyssa take a look at each other, before starting to scream with the rest of the girls. They yelled for Calum and Alex, who was standing in the Lobby of the hotel talking, and occasionally looking out into the crowed.

Then Calum spots her. It’s the girl that Luke claims to be his soulmate. She showed up. “Oh my god!” Calum says, rushing to the door. Alex, Calum’s soulmate, looks at him in curiosity. Calum turns around, “Thats her right?” Calum asks and Alex gives him an encouraging nod.

Calum saw her, they were in. The girls stood inside of the hotel lobby, looking at Calum and Alex. “So you’re Luke’s soulmate?” Calum asks Y/N. She nods, “Cool what’s your name?”

“Y/N” She responds. After a few beats of silence, she talks again, “Where is Luke?”

Luke slept in the Lobby last night, in hopes that she would show up at the hotel. Then, in the morning when she didn’t show, he left for the McDonalds with Emily, Ashton, Jackie, and Michael. They left Calum and Alex back at the Hotel just incase she went there. The fans had all had found her twitter account, after seeing the video of her, and so the boys followed her. His soulmate wasn't following the boy’s twitter though so they couldn’t DM her.

Luke’s leg begins to vibrate, causing Luke to whip out his phone to look at the caller ID. Once he sees the name on the screen, he quickly picks it up.

“Calum? Whats going on? Did you find her?” His questions come out all at once. Spilling from his mouth like truths. Ashton, Emily, Jackie, and Michael’s eyes were quickly on the boy. They look at him with interest, ready to hear what Calum has to say.

“Um, It’s not Calum,” Says a female voice over the phone. Her voice sounds angelic. Like an orchestra playing. Luke knows immediately who it is, sitting up straighter, he prepares himself for the conversation at hand.

“Yeah?” Luke asks to fill the silence.

“Yeah, It’s Y/N,” She says. Luke silently mouthes the name, testing it on his lips. “um your soulmate?” She adds on, to jog his memory.

“I’ll be at the Hotel in five minutes,” Luke says standing up, causing the rest of the group to stand also.

“Okay,” She says and Luke hangs up the phone. He could talk to her all day, but he’d rather talk to her in person. Luke bursts through the McDonalds door and start running. The rest of his friends start sprinting behind him, calling his name occasionally. All Luke could think about is getting to the Hotel. When outside the Hotel, Luke and the rest are bombarded. Luke continues to push his way through the crowed, forgetting manners. When Luke reaches the door, the body guard immediately recognizes him and opens the door. Luke mumbles out a quick thanks, but then he sees her.

“Oh my god,” Luke whispers running to Y/N and wrapping her in a hug. He pulls her head to his chest and cradles her there. He can’t believe he found her; his soulmate. She breaths out, and takes a deep breath of his scent. He smelt like McDonalds and sweat, but she knew that she would grow to love it. It’s a minute or so before Y/N speaks.

“Luke-“ She begins to say, trying to pull away.

“Let’s talk upstairs?” Luke quickly asks. Y/N nods along to his idea, and the nine of them travel to the Elevator and to Luke’s room.

Luke, and Y/N sit on the bed, next to each other and Luke catches Y/N’s hand in his own; causing red to spread across Y/N’s cheeks. Alyssa stays standing next to Y/N. Michael sits on a chair next to the bed and Jackie sits on his lap. Emily and Alex sit on the bed next to Luke.

“So who the hell are you?” Emily asks, nodding her head to Alyssa. Y/N is prepared to jump up and defend her best friend, but with a sharp tug on her arm by Luke she says sitting.

“She’s my best friend, I thought I made that clear,” Y/N growls. Her guard is up, and she is ready to jump up incase of another attack on her friend.

“Y/N calm down,” Alyssa says, her stance also defensive.

“She shouldn't talk to you, or anyone that way!” Y/N says. Emily herself looks like she is ready to fight.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Emily yells, defending herself.

Alyssa and Y/N ignore her this time. Their eyes meet and they both silently agree that she isn't worth their time. “Luke what are we going to do?” Y/N ask her soulmate.

“What do you mean?” Luke asks genuinely curious.

“I mean, what are we going to do about being apart? If we’re apart for too long we’ll get sick” Y/N says

“Simple, you come on tour with us,” Luke easily proposes. He doesn’t see why this is so much of an issue. The other girls did it.

“I can’t come on tour with you,” Y/N says, and the whole room freezes.

+++

There is a collective breath in the room before it starts.

“What?” “Why?”

“What do you mean can’t come on tour?”

The boys and their girl’s shouted these things at Y/N making her want to curl up in a ball and leave. It was true though, she couldn't go on tour. She is in the middle of Finals Week in her last year of College. There is no way she's giving up her dream for her Soulmate. Y/N has always wanted more. Everybody else seems content just having a soulmate, but Y/N wants a life. A life outside of her relationship.

“I mean, I can’t come on tour. At least not for a few days. Its finals week,” Y/N says, looking directly at Luke.

The shouting starts. They boys yell to screw school and that her soulmate is more important than an education. Their girls start off at the boys side, but slowly start to side with Y/N and Alyssa. The girls draw upon their own lives and what they gave up to be with the boys.

“I was going to be a doctor!”

“So your job is more ‘important’ than my dream job?”

“I may not have had a plan, but I didn’t need you,”

These are all quotes from the girls yelling at the boys. The boys, excluding Luke, yell back their own small comments, but what could they say? The girls did give up their lives to be on tour with the boys. Sure they seems to enjoy it, but they always had other dreams outside of the boys and their dreams.

“What should we do?” Luke whispers to Y/N. The yelling of the girls and boys continue in the background, but neither Y/N nor Luke is worried about them. They’re soulmates, they’ll work it out. They have to. It’s written into their genes.

“I have to finish Finals. I’ll come to wherever you are in like four days?” Y/N asks. She had been thinking about this for hours now. She couldn't ask Luke to leave the band for her, so he can’t ask her to leave her life to go to him. “Okay,” Luke says agreeing to her plan. It’s not that Luke didn't think that Y/N would have her own life before him, he just thought that he life wouldn't be so much of a problem. He just thought that she would want to be with him, her soulmate, more than she would want to be…well whatever her profession was. Was being her soulmate not enough for her? Was being Luke Hemmings not enough? He is successful, and he’s always told how handsome he is. What else could he do?

“Do you have a phone charger?” Y/N asks. Her phone died sometime during the police investigation, and she needed to check some things for a school project.

“Sure” Luke says, taking her phone and plugging it into his charger. The couples were still fighting about god-knows-what. They had moved off the topic of what they had to give up to be with the boys and were spread out into their own arguments now.

“Yo!” Alyssa suddenly yells, shutting everybody up.

“What?” Jackie says annoyed. Her finger is poised into Michaels chest. Michael looks more frightened than he ever has before.

“Nothing, this is just getting stupid. And we have the computer final in three hours,” Alyssa says looking at Y/N, “So what are the two of you going to do?” She says bluntly.

“I’ll catch up to the tour in four days; after finals,” Y/N says. All the girls give approving nods. While the boys look a little bug eyed. “What if Luke gets sick,”

“We can’t lose out lead singer,”

“Just come with us”

Emily grabs Ashton’s collar and tugs him down to her height. “You are Lucky she is willing to come on this stupid tour,” Emily looks at the rest of the guys now, “So shut up,” She says darkly. Y/N and Alyssa make eye contact after Emily says her thing; they both whisper a quick “Damn.” Michael, still looks frightened, while Calum stage whispers, “Whipped.” Luke just stays seated on the bed looking at Y/N like its the last time he’s going to see her. Y/N stands, preparing herself for what she is about to say.

“Alyssa is right, I need to go,” Y/N says, then she leans down and kisses Luke on the cheek, leaving the whole room surprised. She grabs her phone off the charger, a glowing 5% lit up in the top corner. It will have to do. Y/N and Alyssa are halfway out the door when Luke yells.

“Wait!” He yells, Y/n and Alyssa turn around, expecting the worse. Luke just takes Y/N’s phone out of her hand and inserts his name and number into it. “Okay baby,” He says, then leaning down to peck Y/N on her cheek. The girls ‘aww” in the background, followed by groans from the boys.

“I’ll see you in four days,”

“Four days,”

Then she left, again.

+++

“All will come to a happy end” Y/N whispers to herself. She was on her way to Holmdel New Jersey. Thats where the boys were today, along with their soulmates. She just finished her last semester at college. Her final grades will be in soon. Y/N is secretly happy that she chose a career that she can do on the road with Luke.

What Y/N was not happy about was the twitter notifications. It had been after her Computer final. She doesn't have notifications on regularly, but if she had they would've been bombarded. When Y/N saw the little red bubble in the corner of her app with over one hundred notifications on it she was shocked, and a little scared. Y/N is always happy with being unknown. She loved being anonymous, having nobody know her, having nobody pry into her private life. Y/N would have to admit that she would miss it. It’s inevitable now that she’s the Luke Hemming’s soulmate that people would be curious. Y/N understood their curiosity to some extent. She understood that they loved Luke and wanted to make sure she was treating him well. She sometimes looked up celebrities and did the same thing. Did they really need to know her middle name though? Or the town she grew up in? It was ridiculous. Why do they have to care about her? She is just supposed to be a nobody, but here she was, soulmates to Luke Fucking Hemmings.

Y/N arrives at the Hotel and parks her car in the lot. Outside the doors there was bunches of fans. Y/n expected to just walk through, unstopped, because she is a nobody right? Wrong. When the fans get a first glimpse of her, her name “Y/N” and “Luke’s soulmate” ran through he crowed of girls. They don’t move from the door though, not wanting to give up their spots. When she gets in reaching distance there is asks for her picture and autograph, which amazes her. Why do they care?

Y/N takes a few awkward pictures, and signs a few random strips of paper and walks inside. She never thought she would have to do that. She never wanted to do that. She only did it because she had waited outside of hotels before, trying to get a glimpses of her favorite bands. She knows what its like to be ignored before.

Luke and her have been texting and they were staying in the same hotel room on the fourth floor. He was in soundcheck right now, so she would have to get the keycard from one of the girls that was left behind. Y/N tugs on her suitcase to bring it into the hotel elevator next to her and presses the button labeled “4.” Thats when the dreaded thinking starts. She feels so torn right now. There is Luke, but there is also her career. She left Alyssa for Luke, but if she could choose who would she choose? Probably Alyssa. Y/N doesn't know Luke that well. She knows that one day she will love Luke, but right now, she feels more loyal to Alyssa. Does that make her a bitch? Probably. Y/N wants a career outside of Luke. She needs to feel productive, not just a trophy wife. or girlfriend. or whatever they are. She settles it in her mind, she may have had to leave Alyssa, but she won’t leave her career. As soon as she settles on this the door to the elevator opens.

She makes her way down to room number 127, which is supposedly Ashton and Emily’s room. The door swings open to reveal a Jackie, and behind her Emily and Alex. “Hey,” Y/N says suddenly nervous. They all look skeptical of her, but Y/N couldn't blame them. Every time they have seen each other, there has been yelling. “Luke said to get the keycard from one of you?” Y/N asks nervously, her bag next to her.

Jackie motions her to come inside the room. Y/N steps into the room and Emily stands and gets a card off the dresser. Emily holds out the card and Y/N reaches for the card, but Alex beats to it, snatching it out of Emily’s hand. “So tell us about yourself?” Alex says waving the card around. Y/N takes a deep breath.

“Um, well…” Y/N trails off, “What do you want to know?” She asks finding her words.

“Do you stan the band?” Jackie suddenly asks.

“Do I what?”

“Do you stan the band? Do you like 5sos?” Jackie asks again in a ‘duh’ tone.

“Sure?” Y/N says it as a question. The other girls look at her skeptically. “I mean, I’m not a huge fan, but I never hated their music…” Y/N trials off again, hoping she didn't just make it worse.

“Omg same,”Alex suddenly breaths out, causing a quick “what?” from the other girls. “I was never a big fan until i was one of their soulmates! And then once I said I was a fan everybody assumed i was some big fangirl, which I’m not.” Alex says quickly, to the surprise of the other girls. “I love them now, obviously,” She says in a ‘duh’ tone.

“I was always a big fan,” Emily says, having Jackie agree with her. “Tell me you at least know who ketchup is?” Emily says with begging eyes.

“Who?” Y/N and Alex reply. Emily and Jackie groan at their obliviousness. “Do you remember that Hannah Montana episode where they rubbed their hands in ketchup?” Y/N says after a few beats of silence. The other girls laugh, remembering the episode.

“I remember trying that!” Jackie yells, causing the other girls to laugh at her stupidness. “Hey! I was like seven, don’t laugh!” Jackie says, trying to defend herself.

“I remember when I was seven, I broke my arm playing golf,” Alex pauses, causing the other girls to scream “how the hell did you break your arm playing golf?” Alex just shrugs her shoulders and continues with the story, “After the hospital, i put ketchup all over the cast because my brother said it would make my arm feel better,” Alex finishes the story, looking at the gasps of horror on the other girl’s faces. “I remember when my brother was like ten and i was seven, My brother and his friend were play sword fight in the driveway, but there were no more plastic swords and i wanted to play, so i took a golf club and clubbed my brother in the head!” Y/N says, the girls look at her in horror until Y/N adds that everyone was fine. All the girls break down laughing then.

They all sit there for a while, forgetting about Luke’s room, talking about stupid things they did when they were younger. Then Alex checks the time.

“We should probably go to diner now if we want to make the concert,” Alex says.

“Yeah, let me put my suitcase in my room?” Y/N asks. As they are walking to her room, Y/N asks another question, “Do you guys always go to the concerts?”

“Not really anymore.” Emily replies, “We’re going tonight since it’s your first night and all,” She explains. Then Y/N remembers something.

“I’m sorry by the way, for yelling at you?” Y/N apologizes. Emily nods along to what Y/N says and accepts the apology saying, “that you were just trying to protect your friend.”

Y/N slips her keycard into the door 128 and it opens. She walks inside, flipping on the light. Y/N gasps under her breath, and swears a little. There is only one bed in the room. She is sleeping with Luke tonight.

+++

Luke bites his lip, and tries to relax. It seems impossible. His muscles are tightening, causing his strumming to be irregular and awkward. He could tell by the looks of Calum and the other band members that, he wasn’t doing so hot. They were at soundcheck right now. Luke is so nervous for Y/N to see him that its affecting his playing. He is forgetting lyrics and strumming the wrong chords.

“Luke what’s going on?” Calum asks him, as they leave the stage.

“I don’t know, I’m just nervous,” Luke says, trying to rationalize his feelings. It was the first time Y/N would see the band play, after all. The boys were supposed to meet the girls for diner in about a half hour, so they all go quickly change into something less sweaty and are on their way.

When they arrive, Jackie, Alex, Emily and Y/N were already sitting at the table, the four seats across from them open. Luke hangs back a little. The other boys give their respective soulmates a kiss and sit across. Luke just looks at the back of her head, imagining the last image of her face he can remember. The blush from his kiss, the sweat from the night gleaming on her forehead, and the worry in her eyes. Now he is ready for a new image of her.

She looks beautiful, is all he can think as he catches the first glimpses of her. Her hair is long, but not too long, basically glowing in the light. Her eyes glimmer with hope? maybe a little anxiety? She seems relaxed with the girls, but once the group of guys came, she seemed to freeze a little.

Luke walks over to her seat and offers her his hand. She is already staring at him, quickly looking between him and his hand. Then she takes it. Luke pulls her up into his body, hugging her tightly. Luke, looking at the rest of the group sees some approving nods from the boys and warm smiles from the girls, then he closes his eyes because all he wanted to do was memorize Y/N.

Y/N leans into him, unsure if She is ready for this or not.

The concert is loud. The only thought that can run through Y/N’s head is the direction you are going in. Fans are crowded in the pit, were she is to be standing during the concert. A few girls come up to the rest of the soulmates, looking for a autograph or maybe a pass backstage (The girls have been known to give a few out). Jackie, Emily, Alex, and Y/N stand on Calum’s side of the stage, to Calum’s enjoyment. Y/N spots Michael give a jealous look during the concert also.

Luke couldn't keep his eyes off of Y/N. She notices how he would continue to steal glances at her during the concert. There is something surreal, knowing that somebody will love you. It leaves Y/N gasping every time. She never thought about having a soulmate until now. Now she knows whats it’s like, could she ever leave? It was not secret, at least to herself, that she didn't want to be famous. She didn't want to have to sneak around. She didn't want to be the person that gave out backstage passes. Y/N is secure in her anonymity.

Y/N couldn't keep her eyes off of Luke. She watched him jump around and have the time of his life on stage. Could she give him that happiness? If she couldn’t could she leave him? She shakes her head, this is crazy talk. They’re soulmates. Soulmates are made for each other. They can’t leave. If they leave they will start to get sick after a few days, and if it last a few weeks, they’ll die. All of this goes into effect after they meet of course. Y/N doesn't know what to do. The answer seems so obvious, to give in and be with Luke, become famous, and tour the world. But also there is parts of her which is refusing. She doesn't want that. She doesn't want to be famous. She never cared to tour the whole world. But she does want Luke.

When they get back to the hotel rooms, Y/N excuses herself from the rest of the girls. They were all pretty tired, so they skipped seeing the boys after the show tonight, in favor of seeing them later on. Y/N goes to the bed in Luke and her’s hotel room, and sits on the bed. She bury’s her head into her hands. It hurt to think of leaving. But could she stay? And give up everything? Once your Famous, it’s not like you can go back.

This is how Luke found her. He heard her sobs from the outside of the door. It was like his heart was breaking with each of her sobs. He stands in the doorway of the room, scared to help, but more scared to leave. She is mumbling about being unsure. Her head lifts from her hands and makes eye contact with Luke, which she quickly breaks. Luke thinks his breathing stopped when she looked away. Luke takes a careful step foreword, closing the door. Nobody needs to see this. Y/N is looking frantically around the room, trying to associate herself with her surroundings. Her breath is picking up, to the point where she seems to be choking on nothing. Luke stands frozen in the door as he watches her fall apart.

“I can’t do this!” Her strangled cry runs out. Luke rushes to her.

“What can’t you do?” He places an arm around her. He tries to bring her to his body, but she lashes out.

She doesn't know who is sitting next to her. Y/N feels the connection, but when it tries to restrain her she lashes out. She doesn't want to be controlled. She had been controlled her whole life. Now she wanted the freedom to be herself, not just somebody's soulmate. Words like this and worse run through her head. She remembers how she was called fat as a kid, she remembers being bullied on the playground, she remembers the first time a boy looked at her as more than just a fat kid. It had been after she lost all the weight. It was the same boy that bullied her. She remembers how she bought into his lies. She remembers throwing up. She remembers everything. She doesn't want to be that little kid anymore, who was controlled by her bullies. She wants to walk the streets without judgement and without being acknowledged. She doesn’t want to be Luke’s soulmate. Why did it have to be her?

“I can’t do this!” She cries out again, grabbing his shirt, fisting it into her hands. She can’t handle the judging. She can’t handle it! “Why,” She cries out.

“Why what?” A warm voice says.

“Why do I have to be his soulmate?” She chokes out.

+++

“Why do I have to be his soulmate?” She chokes out. “You have to be his soulmate, because thats your destiny,” Luke says quietly, wrapping his arms around her. His mind begins to race with questions about not being good enough, but he pushes them back. Right now his soulmate needs him. “Its like how the world turns, and how the bird fly south in the winter, its their destiny. I bet if you gave him a chance, it wouldn't be so bad,” Luke says softly. Y/N’s hands tighten in his shirt.

“I don’t want to be famous,” She cries out. She tugs on Luke’s shirt more, he is sure it will rip soon.

“It’s okay baby,” The words slip from Luke’s mouth easily. He says it as a whisper, only meant for her. He presses his lips to her forehead.

She looks up, her eyes glassy. He watches her eyes as they change in recognition. She scrambles back to the end of the bed. “I’m sorry,” She whispers, swiping a stray tear from her cheek.

“No, it’s okay,” Luke whispers, edging closer to her. “It’s my dream to be famous, not yours,” He whispers, edging closer again. She watches the inches between them disappear. Luke sees her muscles tighten, ready to flee if necessary. The thoughts of not being enough are back and flooding his mind. Luke struggles to stay focused on her, like he should be. “Y/N,” He whispers, and every single one of her muscles tighten again, preparing herself like a cat ready to spring.

“It’s not okay…Luke,” She says recognizing who it is in the room with her. It would never be okay with her. “How am I supposed to do this?” She asks, the tears welling up in her eyes again.

“No, no, you don’t have to do anything. We are doing this together.” Luke says, taking her hands. He wraps them in his own and gives a small squeeze. Her body relaxes back into the bed. She nods like a small child, willing to believe anything their parents say. “Look, look at what is written on this skin,” Luke pulls his shirt sleeve up to show faded sharpie marks of their short conversations. He had been washing around his arm for the past week, trying to preserve the little conversation they had. Luke had dozens of photos on his phone of the text in its prime. “It’s you and me, baby. Forever.”

“What if I can’t do this? I can’t handle the pressure,” She cries out, trying to convey how broken she is. She is trying to tell him how she can’t do it.

“It’s okay, It’s okay, we’ll start slow okay?” Luke rushes to say, trying to quiet her down again. Trying to stop her tears. “We can’t be apart. So your just gonna come on tour with us okay? We don’t have to tell anyone who you are, we don’t have to tell anyone, okay? All you need to do is be on the tour bus with us,” Luke says gently, trying to get her to agree. She nods numbly. Y/N is still shaking a little.

“Do you want to go to the tour bus now?” Luke asks. Y/N gives a nod. “Okay,” Luke stands, and pulls Y/N up with him. Y/N quickly looks around for her bag, but Luke grabs her face and focuses her attention back to him. “I’ll get our bags later, okay?” Y/N gives an approving nod and they move out of the room, one hand on Y/N’s back.

The two of them pass Ashton in the hall. Once he see’s Y/N’s red eyes and tear strewn face he opens his mouth to say something, but Luke quickly gives him a look. Ashton ducks his head and moves to his room to pack.

When Ashton gets to his room he grabs Emily by her arm and spins her around to face him. “Wha- Hey Ashy!” She says with a big smile. She quickly spots his serious mood and her smile fades. “What’s wrong?” She asks, her body at attention. Emily is a helper, that is who she is. She lives to make people smile and happy, much like Ashton. Ashton tells he what he saw in the hall.

Emily quickly starts going down the stairs to try and catch Luke and Y/N to try and help when she bumps into Mikey right outside of her door.

“Hey, Em, What do you think of Blue? Because Jackie says- Hey! why ya in such a rush?” Michael asks Emily. Emily looks up, panic in her eyes. Michael quickly jumps into action. “Are you okay? Emily? Do I need to get Ash?” He asks quickly. Emily rarely panics, so to see her in such a jumpy state was rare. Emily is more of a calm helper.

“No, it’s Y/N, Ashton saw Luke taking her out to the bus-“ “So?”

“Let me finish Mikey! She was crying, I want to go see if I can help,” Emily moves to walk around Michael, but he quickly grabs her arm and pulls her back.

“No, I’m sure Luke’s got it,” Michael says, but he wasn't so sure. His and Luke’s rooms are next to each other, and he thinks that he heard some crying in there. Maybe even a panic attack, Michael thinks, remembering the heavy breathing and the yelling. Michael pushes Emily back into the open door to her room, “Just stay here, Luke’s got it,” Michael promises, leaving her there.

Michael walks back to his room. He knows what panic attacks are like, and Emily doesn’t, he would be much better helper. Michael just wants to check on Jackie first. He opens the door to the room to see Jackie with her checklist, making sure that everything was packed. Jackie may be punk rock, but she is secretly like Monica from Friends. Always has a list in her hand. “I’m going to head down to the bus,” Michael announces to Jackie.

“What? I thought we were gonna ‘do it’ one more time!” Jackie says, protesting.

Michael shakes his head. “I would love to, but I think Y/N needs me,” Michael tries to explain.

“Why would Y/N need you?” Jackie says, getting immediately defensive.

“Not like that baby, I think she had a panic attack,” Michael says, grabbing Jackie’s hips and pulling them into his.

“Is she with Luke?” Jackie asks, knowing that only a soulmate could calm down Y/N. Jackie had been there for a few of Michaels most recent panic attacks, and it seems like Jackie always knew the best thing to say to help him calm down. It’s odd that anybody can calm Michael down too, considering he likes to be alone when he's having a panic attack. “Then everything is okay, okay babe?” Jackie says. She pulls away from Michael and sits him down on the bed. “Finish packing,” Jackie demands, handing him a list.

Jackie walks out of the room feeling more nervous then ever. Even though she has only known Y/N for a night, she just fits in so well with the girls…. Jackie walks over to Alex, and Calum’s room for reassurance from Alex. Jackie knows if she tells Michael just how nervous she is about Y/N he would storm down to the bus to try and help, which could just make things worse. Also, sometimes people just need their best friend. “Hey,” Alex says opening the door.

“Y/N had a panic attack!” The words rush out of Jackie’s mouth. She is the worst at keeping secrets.

“What? Is she okay?” Alex says quickly, moving out of the room and into the hall. Y/N had told the girls that she will sometimes get bad panic attacks when she is really stressed out, and they are like hell for her. She also mentioned that she is scared to be soulmates with Luke, something that all the girls kinda just breezed over.

“I don’t know Luke took her down to the bus,” Jackie says, and Calum walks up behind them.

“What happened?” He says, oblivious to what was going on.

“Y/N had a panic attack,” Alex says, filling in her soulmate.

“Does Luke know?” Calum says. The girls give him a ‘duh’ look and Calum puts his hands up in surrender. “She is probably fine then. Luke’s got this,” Calum says, trying to reason.

Suddenly, two more doors open on the floor at the same time. Michael stood in one door and Emily stood in another with Ashton behind her. Everyone froze in the hall, they all know what’s going on and want to help, but all frozen, knowing that Luke is the only one who can truly help. Like a movie, they all walk to meet in the center of the hall.

“I have to go down there and help,” Michael says, about to turn away when Jackie, his soulmate, grabs his arm.

“No, we can’t” Jackie says. “Luke is her best bet,” She says.

“I think we should go down there!” Emily says to the circle. He motherly instinct kicking in. “Luke can handle it,” Calum says, his usually quiet voice rising over the rest. “Jackie knows it, and we all know it. You all will just overwhelm her,” Calum says from experience. The boys had helped Micheal out with his panic attacks before, and he would hate it when the three of them would crowed around him asking questions. They did it to try and help him, but it didn't do so well with working.

The elevator chimes abruptly and the group looks over to see Luke walking out of the elevator. Everyone quickly jumps on him, not literally.

“Luke!”

“Is Y/N okay?”

“Can we go see her?”

Their questions are sprung onto Luke, and he feels like he is at a press conference suddenly. He looks around the group, and with their frantic eyes, he figures that they all knew what happened. Luke takes a deep breath and begins to speak.

+++

“She’s okay,” The group lets out a collective sigh. The worry seeping out of all of them, that some didn't even realize that they had.

“Can we go see her?” Michael asks, ready to jump around Luke to help someone who has gone through the same as him.

“I don’t know,” Luke breaths out. He is unsure about what to do next, he is unsure if he should be doing anything. He would never be enough for her, so why try? Luke will never be enough for the girl who is destined to share a bed with him. And he knew it. He knew it when she said she didn't want to be famous. He knew it when she didn’t want to be his soulmate. He knew it when she was crying hysterically about wanting more for herself. Luke will never be enough.

As if sensing his friend’s sadness, Micheal wraps Luke into a hug, followed by the rest of the group. They look at Luke in worry, they know he’s been going through a lot with Y/N right now, but none of them had stopped to think about how that would really be effecting him.

Ashton pulls away first and begins to take charge. “Okay, Mikey and Emily, go down and make sure Y/N is okay. The rest of us will stay up here, with Luke, finish packing, and be down in a half hour with everything,” Ashton says. He sends Michael down with Emily to see if Y/N is okay, because he knows the two of them are probably he most nurturing, well Emily is. Michael just understands what she is going through.

Ashton leads Luke to his room, where Luke begins to grab his things and put it back in his suitcase. “What’s wrong Luke?” Ashton asks, and Luke slams his suitcase onto the bed, which only caused it to bounce a little.

“Nothing,” Luke grits out. Luke is not an angry person, so what’s left of the group flinches back a little.

“Can we have some space?” Ashton asks the rest of the group. Jackie and Alex nod and turn to leave, but Calum stays put. Alex looks over her shoulder and motions for Calum to follow, but with a shake of his head, Calum stays put. Ashton looks over his shoulder to see Calum and Calum just gives a small shrug.

“What's got you upset, mate?” Ashton asks, accepting the fact that Calum is here to stay.

“I don’t think she wants me.”

“What do you mean she doesn't want you? You’re her soulmate?” Ashton exclaims, and Calum gives a subtle nod.

“I mean, she wants to do something more with her life! Something I can’t give her! She says she doesn't want to be famous!” Luke exclaims, violently throwing clothes into his suitcase.

“She can be something while being with you,” Ashton tries to reason. “Look, I don’t think she knew it was me in the room when she said this, but she said, ‘Why do i have to be his soulmate?’ If that isn't enough to say that she doesn’t want me, I don’t know what is.” Luke says, throwing his suitcase shut.

“Mate…” Ashton begins to say, but Luke’s choking sobs cut him off.

“I just want to be enough for someone,” Luke says, sitting down on the bed. Silent tears roll down his face, as the horrible thoughts flood into his brain. Luke bows his head, as he thinks of what could’ve been. If he just had a different soulmate. If only he had someone who would thing he’s enough. He’s nice. He’s been told all his life how handsome he is. He brings home enough money to support them. Why does she want to have more? What could she want that he can’t give her.

“Luke…” Ashton starts again, but he is out of words.

“Luke, its not that you aren’t enough,” Calum says, kneeling down next to Luke. “There are just some things that you can’t give people. From what I hear from Alex, Y/N is not someone to sit back and relax. She is always doing something. It’s not that you are not enough, it’s that she wants something more outside of Love.” Luke nods numbly along to what Calum says. “She needs you, just as much as you want her. You can’t give up on these kinds of things,” Luke throws himself off the bed and onto Calum, wrapping him into a hug. “Let’s all finish packing and go down, yeah?” Calum asks after a few moments. Luke peels himself off of Calum and turns to finish packing.

When the whole group is ready, they proceed to the bus.

When Luke is outside the bus, a few steps away from the door, he feels something heavy jump onto him. He stumbles back a few steps, and drops both suitcases in an effort to catch the girl.

“I’m so sorry,” His soulmate whispers in his ear. +++

“I’m so sorry,” His soulmate whispers in his ear.

“For what baby girl,” Luke whispers back.

“For saying I didn’t want you. I want you. Damn do I want you,” Y/N whispers in his ear, biting it playfully. Luke smiles, holding his baby close. He tucks her under his chin.

“I want you too,” Luke says, “But I think we need to talk,”

“Yeah, okay,” Y/N agrees. The two of them commandeer the back room of the bus, closing the sliding door. The other’s had little argument, because after all that had happened today, they all knew that the pair of them needed alone time.

They sit in the back of the bus, on the circular couch, across from each other. Luke’s legs are so long that they tangle in Y/N’s. She discreetly leans her own legs against Luke’s. They sit there for a few moments, looking at each other. Luke looks up at her through his eyelashes, flashing his baby-blues, and says, “Baby, won’t you come over here?” He asks, his hands wringing.

Y/N swiftly moves to sit next to him and Luke cheekily does a yawn-and-stretch, wrapping his arm around Y/N. He pulls her into his chest, and she leans her head onto his chest.

“What are we going to do?” Luke asks, nervous for her reply.

“I-I can’t, I want to have a job, Luke,” Luke opens his mouth to say something, but Y/N quickly catches on and playfully covers it. Luke scrunches his eyebrows a little and looks down to her. “I’m going to freelance coding” Y/N tells Luke. She glances up at him through her eyelashes, ready for his argument.

“Okay, that sounds good baby,” Luke says. Y/N lets out a sigh that she didn’t know she was holding.

They sit there for a few beats, breathing in each other. They are both memorizing each other, unknowingly to the other. They both sit there, listening to the other’s breaths. They both sit there, hearing the other’s heartbeat. They both sit there trying to remember that the other is alive. That they are together. That they wouldn’t let go of each other.

Y/N lets out a heavy breath, bringing Luke’s attention to her. She starts to wiggle out of his hold, and announces that she has to pee, making Luke give a little chuckle. She opens the sliding door and moves out of the room. Luke still doesn’t know much about his Soulmate, but he knows that he will have his whole life to learn about her. He does know the way her hair shines in the sun though. He knows that nobody’s eyes can sparkle like her’s. He knows he will never go looking at another girl again. Why would he when he has Y/N?

A bubbling Michael burst through the door, “Its me the love of you life!” He proclaims.

“Please, I can wear heels bigger than your dick,” Luke says, quickly responding without thinking. Michael lets out a big, stomach rumbling laugh.

“Please,” Micheal begs, his laughter continuing on. Luke gives a fake chuckle, before Emily pushes pas Mikey.

“What’s so funny,” Emily asks.

“Baby, come back, i wanna cuddle,” Ashton whines, following his soulmate to the back room. He grabs her hand and drags her to the couch across from Luke and pulls Emily to sit on Ashton’s lap facing him. For once in his life, Luke isn’t jealous of the pair. He has his own little sunshine.

“What’s going on?” Y/N asks, pushing past Michael, who is still standing in the doorway. Y/N moves to sit next to Luke again, but Luke wasn’t having it. He’s only been able to touch her for the past few hours, so he will be damned if she only sat next to him. Luke pulls his baby girl onto his lap, his chin resting on her shoulder. “Nice butt Emily” Y/N comments playfully, facing the pair, and Emily throws her hands to protect her already covered behind. Ashton’s hands quickly cover her’s and soon he is the one holding Emily’s bum. Y/N watches as Ashton pulls Emily in for a kiss and Luke squeaks, covering Y/N’s eyes.

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Michael says from the doorway. They all hear a distant yes from the front of the bus. Jackie walks past Michael and motions for him to follow her. Calum and Alex show up in the doorway holding hands.

“I heard we were watching a movie?” Calum asks dragging Alex to the couch. Everybody moved to make room, but every one was still squished.

“What movie?” Emily asks, attempting to turn around so she can see the tv, but Ashton tightened his grip on her, not wanting her to move.

“Deadpool, duh,” Michael says, getting up and popping the DVD into the player. He sits back down, causing a groan from Jackie and Calum, whom he was sitting in-between.

Was this what family is like? Y/N has to wonder as the movie begins. Putting up with each other’s bullshit? Is this what family was like, watching the tv together. YN had always found family with her friend Alyssa, but she had never had people other than Alyssa care when she had a panic attack. Emily and Michael really helped Y/N. They understood what she is going through. Talking to Emily is like talking to a long-lost friend. They just clicked so well, just like Y/N and Alyssa did. It’s amazing. The group dynamic is just so nurturing for creativity, and they genuinely care. Even though Y/N is the latest addition, they all were so worried about her.

It’s a few days later. Y/N and Luke is just getting to know each other. Trying to figure out their patterns, and to try and remember their habits. They are both trying to memorize the other. They are back in New York City after Toronto, and Y/N is excited because she asked Alyssa to drive down to meet her. She drags Luke through the city which she visited every few weeks as a kid. Y/N’s parents were obsessed with the city, but didn’t want their children to grow up in it.

“Hey!” Alyssa shouts, wrapping Y/N into a hug. Luke is standing behind Y/N in aviator and a hat. He looks around a little worried that fans would pop out and drag him away. Luke loves his fans, but right now his whole mind is focused on Y/N and meeting Alyssa formally.

The two girls walk into the restaurant chatting, and Luke follows. Y/N had told Luke that Alyssa is like her sister, and that she didn’t care if they were soulmates, Alyssa’s opinion could break them up. Luke wasn’t that worried though, wasn't Alyssa a fan?

Sure, Y/N told Luke that Alyssa could break them up, but it wasn't exactly true. Nothing could break up soulmates, and Alyssa would be stupid to try and break them up. She told Luke that to get him nervous. She wanted Luke to really try to like Alyssa, Y/N is worried that Luke would only look at her like a fan, not a friend.

“So Luke…” Alyssa starts, drawing out her words. Y/N is quick to hide her face, knowing what question is coming next.

“Have you and Y/N done the dirty yet?” Alyssa asks, and Luke chokes a little on his coffee.

“Um, no? I’m not a rabbit,” Luke says, trying to add some humor to the conversation. When he gets no reaction he goes on, “But if Y/N wanted to, I would. I don’t want to pressure her,” Luke says.

“Okay, so have you gone on any dates?” Alyssa asks, and Y/N quickly picks up her head. “Give it to me,” Y/N demands.

“Give what to you?” Alyssa says playing innocent.

“The tape recorder,” Y/N says. Luke looks between the two of them with wide eyes. His soulmate is badass. How did she know that Alyssa has a tape recorder, Luke wonders.

“What tape recorder?” Alyssa asks.

“The one in your pocket,” Y/N says confidently. She knows that Alyssa has a fan account for 5sos and to get an exclusive interview on Luke and his soulmate would be pure gold. Alyssa throws a tape recorder onto the table, the film inside still running. “The other one too,” Y/N says with a sigh. Another tape recorder is thrown up onto the table. “And your phone,” Y/N says again and Alyssa’s iphone, which is opened up to the voice memo app is on the table. Y/N carefully stops all the recordings and takes the tapes out, and deletes the voice memo. “I thought I told you no taping?” Y/N whines to her best friend.

“Sorry bub, but this was such a good opportunity!” Alyssa says, jumping in her seat a little.

“Oh, Alyssa,” Y/N says, “I thought we said, Friend first, Fangirl second!” Y/N yells playfully. Alyssa and Y/N let out laughs, not knowing what they were laughing about themselves. Luke looks around nervously, not understanding the joke, if you could call it that.

They leave the Café after a few hours, heading back to the tourbus with Alyssa so she can see it and meet everybody else properly. They all walk excitedly to the bus. Alyssa and Luke got along really well, and Y/N is happy about that.

Y/N glance up and quickly recognizes a face, one that she hadn’t seen since College. Her eyes widen and she nudges Alyssa about it. She looks up too and recognizes the face. It was a name that she has written about on her skin before.

“Tom?”

279 notes · View notes

your-iron-lung · 7 years ago

Text

No Shade in the Shadow of the Cross 3

AKA ‘Trouble Comes Knocking’; also readable on AO3

my exwife was supposed to beta this for me but shes taking too long and i am an impatient person so im posting it early lol

Story Synopsis: Some weird low-key occult parties start popping up that Steve can’t in good conscience ignore and takes it upon himself to investigate. Billy gets caught up in the consequences of his meddling, and isn’t it funny? For all the strange things the Upside Down has thrown his way, it’s werewolves that Steve has trouble accepting exist.

Chapter Word Count: 3511

Pairings: Eventual Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington

Genre: Supernatural/Drama/Horror-ish

Previous Chapters: 1, 2,

Next Chapter: 4

Home and tucked into his bed with no memory of how he got there, Steve dreamt of queer things he didn’t understand. Blurry, dark images swarmed his subconscious like a great, malevolent storm bearing down on him too quickly for him to escape. His dreams had him running through the woods, avoiding the shadowed areas between the trees where huge, narrow maws erupted from the blackness, showing off fangs that were long and drawn into needle points, eager to draw blood.

The dreams plagued him for a week, replacing the threat that came with the usual monsters he’d come to be familiar with in his sleep. He’d faced the things with teeth-lined flower bulbs for heads and survived, but now whatever it was that was hunting him down in his thoughts was unknown, and the fear of that unknown was what woke him up every night that week, leaving him a trembling, sweat-soaked wreck who couldn’t comprehend the level of terror he was feeling.

There was, at least, some sort of reprieve from the torment his psyche was undergoing. On the days he went to school, Billy avoided him vehemently, not even trying to go out of his way to talk shit or start a fight. In fact, it seemed that he was actually going out of his way to avoid him now.

Whatever had happened at the party had turned him off from Steve Harrington for the time being, and for that at least Steve was thankful. Something good had come from that miserable night, and if he were lucky, maybe it would last a lifetime. Billy probably assumed he was crazy (and wasn’t that the prime example of the pot calling the kettle black?) after witnessing his episode, and maybe he was, but every time he thought about it his hand began to throb painfully, as though it really had been injured. There were still no marks, though; not a single indicator of any kind that his hand had been harmed in any way.

It made no sense, and he didn’t know what to do about that.

Who did he have to talk to that would believe him if he opened up about what he’d seen that night by the fire? Or of the thing that he’d seen skulking about in the woods like some sort of horrible, jittering animatronic that someone had let loose to terrorize him? Would anyone even believe him if he did say anything? Billy certainly hadn’t, and he’d been a first-hand witness.

He groaned into his hands, letting his head fall forward onto the steering wheel of his car where he sat in the parking lot, too lethargic to leave the school yet. Those stupid weekend parties were supposed to have been an escape, but now he found that they had become the primary source of his stress.

Earlier in the day, Steve had found another one of those mysterious notes slipped into his locker. On it was another map and address, and he’d had half a mind to rip it up then and there before he’d flipped it over out of bitter curiosity.

There, instead of the ‘+0’ that had usually been marked on the card, was a ‘+1’ instead. The change was the only reason he hadn’t torn it to pieces.

“What is happening to me,” he whined, dragging his fingers down his face, pulling at the baggy, discoloured skin beneath his eyes. “What the hell does any of this mean?!” he cried out to no one.

He’d have to track down whoever it was that was leaving the invitations in his locker to get any kind of information. Someone from school was leaving them for him, even if that person wasn’t showing up at the parties, which raised the question of ‘why’ again. Why wasn’t whoever was inviting him going? Why was it just Billy and Steve that were invited, and no one else from their school? Why, why, why?

There were no answers, and no way for him to get any.

Groaning with frustration, he sat up straight in his seat, letting his hands fall away from his face. He stared out of the windshield with a blank expression on his face when he caught sight of Billy walking towards his Camaro across the parking lot. Looking at him made him frown.

Maybe… what if it was Billy leaving him the notes? Could all this shit be some sort of elaborate long-term prank he’d concocted just to fuck with Steve on a psychological level?

As if Billy could sense that Steve was thinking about him, he paused mid-stride and turned to face him. They made eye contact briefly, and in that moment Steve knew Billy couldn’t possibly be behind it all. It was far too elaborate for someone as brash as he was, and his reaction upon seeing Steve freak out hadn’t been one of victory, but was rather one of apprehension. If Billy had been the mastermind behind it all, he would have gotten what he’d wanted and celebrated that, but he hadn’t. It was beyond Steve and Billy both; the other boy had just been coming along for the free drinks.

Caught up in his thoughts, Steve hadn’t realized Billy was walking towards him until he knocked on the window, rapping his knuckles sharply against the glass.

He jumped in his seat at the noise, turning his wide, brown eyes up to Billy who had a deep frown locked on his face. Pointing with his finger, he gestured for Steve to roll down the window.

“What do you want?” Steve asked as he cracked the window, doing his best to sound annoyed despite how tired he felt.

“What do you think?” Billy retorted smartly, rolling his eyes. He glanced around the parking lot to see if anyone was looking their way before he leaned down low, resting an arm along the frame of Steve’s car to speak quietly. “I didn’t get another invite, did you?”

“You didn’t?”

The surprise Steve felt must have been blatantly plastered across his face, for Billy’s lips twitched into a grimace when he spoke.

“No.”

Steve sat still for a moment, studying the passive look of muted anger on Billy’s face before he thought he ought to show him the note. He pulled his school bag that had been in his passenger seat over into his lap and began digging through it, looking for the invitation. His fingers brushed past his notebooks, pens, and other loose items before they finally felt the stiff cardstock the note had been made of.

As he pulled it out, Billy’s frown deepened.

“Why the fuck did you get reinvited?” Scowling fiercely, he stood up and took out his pack of cigarettes, placing one between his snarling teeth. “I bet it was that faggot on the guitar. Told whoever’s running that shit show not to bring me back.”

“Whoa, language, man,” Steve said disapprovingly.

Billy narrowed his eyes as he lit his cigarette, running his tongue along his teeth before leaning back down. “Let me see it.”

Something about the borderline manic look that Billy held in his eye made Steve hesitate, fingering the card in his hands uncertainly. He wanted to roll up the window and keep the invitation to himself, even if he had no interest in attending, and he definitely didn’t want Billy going in his stead.

All the same, he gave the card over when Billy reached in for it.

A dark look overtook Billy’s face as he studied the card, mouth moving as he silently read and memorized the address. Steve watched him quietly as Billy flipped it over, and saw the look of confusion that spread into his eyes when he saw what was printed there.

“The fuck is this?” he asked, holding up the back of the card that read ‘+1’ so that Steve could see it.

“I don’t know,” Steve replied honestly. “All the others I got had ‘+0’ on the back.”

Billy flipped the invitation back around so he could read it again. A look of concentration overtook the anger that he usually held there briefly as he contemplated its meaning.

“It kinda looks like the shit Susan sent out when she married my dad; mailed out their wedding invitations with how many guests the person invited could bring,” he explained, turning the card over in his hands contemplatively. “Like, y’know, their plus one or something.”

“Huh.” Steve hummed, realizing that that actually made some sense. It was kind of obvious, now that he thought about it.

“Congratulations Harrington, you get the honor of taking me to the party with you,” Billy said then, flicking the card back at him through the opening in the window.

“So, what, you’re like my date now?” Steve snorted, chuckling a bit, amused at the notion. He grabbed the card from where it had settled on his dashboard. “Why Billy, if you wanted me to take you out, all you had to do was ask.”

The fear he’d felt throughout the week in his dreams was trying to resurface in his stomach at the thought of attending another one of the forest gatherings, despite how nonchalant he was acting. He swallowed it back and tried to ignore it as it crept its way throughout his body, circulating through his bloodstream in a steady, repeating current.

Billy sneered at him as he spoke. “Yeah, I bet you would like that, wouldn’t you, Harrington?”

“Well, tough, because I’m not going,” Steve said, dropping the humor in his voice and averting his gaze. He shoved the card back into the deep dredges of his book bag and slung it back into the passenger seat forcefully, as though it were prone to attacking him.

“What, you have one bad trip and that’s it? You’re done?” Billy scoffed and put a hand on his hip, staring down at him with a taunting grin. He blew out a stream of smoke that mixed in with the wind and blew away almost instantly. “Thought ‘King Steve’ was supposed to have been a real party animal; not the one and done kinda guy.”

“But these aren’t normal parties!” he blurted out, banging his fists into the steering wheel in frustration. He barely missed hitting the horn. “There’s something wrong about them!”

“The only thing wrong about them was how you freaked out over nothing,” Billy drawled, looking around the parking lot again to make sure no one was paying attention to them as Steve raised his voice. For some reason, the fact that Billy was concerned about who might have been watching them pissed Steve off. “Whatever you think attacked you was all in that fucked up, pretty little head of yours.”

Steve groaned and let his head fall back against the headrest of his seat. There he let it roll towards Billy so he could fix him with an even glare. “There is something bigger going on out there. How else would you explain all the secrecy? Nobody else knows anything about them.”

A group of girls walked by them, greeting Billy energetically as they passed. He turned away briefly to entertain them with a smile, and when he redirected his attention back to Steve he found that he had turned away to stare angrily out his windshield. He looked tired, with deep, purple bags drooping under his eyes. Whether Billy believed him or not, it was obvious that whatever Steve thought he’d seen at the party last week was affecting him terribly.

“Fine, say there is something weird going on at those shitty little hick cult parties,” Billy relented, recapturing Steve’s attention. “Only one way to be sure of that, Princess, and I think you know what that means.”

Steve moaned and shut his eyes. “Why are you so desperate to go? Do you seriously have nothing better to do? Something a little more your speed, maybe?”

Billy didn’t answer him; merely stared him down with a hard, steely gaze that made Steve sigh and look away.

“Alright, fine. If it’ll prove that something shady’s going on out there, then fuck it, fine,” Steve said, gesturing about with his hands as he spoke. “I’ll take you out if that’s what you want, Hargrove, since you seem so desperate to go.”

“Great.” Billy’s face lost its hardness as he broke out into a grin and slapped his hand down onto the roof of the BMW loudly, ignoring the implication behind Steve’s words. “Don’t be late, Harrington, and get some sleep; lookin’ a little rough around the edges there, pretty boy.”

He walked away before Steve could say anything else, hips swaying as he made his way over to his Camaro where his sister was waiting for him.

It was snowing freely on the night of the party, coming down in a mild torrent that likely would have closed the roads had they not already been salted in advance. He drove slowly on the backroads, navigating through streets he’d never been to before in a part of town that looked largely uninhabited. The few houses that he saw didn’t have any lights on, and the road was, for the most part, as dark as the forests he’d been dreaming of. The natural light from the full moon coupled with his headlights were all he had to work with as he rode on.

His windshield wipers thunked back and forth rapidly, deflecting the falling snow faster than it could settle. He made sure to keep the BMW traveling well under the speed limit, keeping a careful eye on the road as he traveled. In the back of his mind, he wondered if Billy had ever driven in the snow before. There was no way in hell he’d make it if he drove the way he usually did.

Maybe that would be for the best, though, Steve thought. No more Billy, no more parties, no more problems.

A strong gust of wind blew past, rattling his car. The BMW swerved a bit before he strengthened his grip over the wheel, righting his car in its lane. The back country roads had been salted this time at least as opposed to the last time he’d ridden them, but they were still slick enough that one wrong move could have him sliding off if he wasn’t careful. He dropped his speed a little bit more and was driving past a cow pasture when he first smelled something strange.

Initially, he wrote it off as some byproduct of cold cow shit, but as he sniffed the air creeping in through his air vents, he realized he hadn’t smelled anything quite like it before. It was entirely unpleasant, and reminded him of the time his mother had gotten sick with the flu and his dad had made him care for her. The stuffiness of her bedroom that she’d been holed up in for a few days coupled with her illness had been staggering, and was similar to what he was smelling now.

Coming in with the warm air, it smelled of stale beer and sickness; a combination that had him wrinkling his nose in disgust. He sped back up, trying to get through whatever fetid cow pasture he’d been driving by as quickly as he could possibly manage in an effort to escape it.

As he rounded a curve the smell dissipated somewhat, easing the slight bout of nausea it had caused when he’d initially smelled it. He relaxed his shoulders, unaware that they’d been tensed at all when the reek came back in a strong, sudden wave.

Steve gagged and almost swerved off the road, holding one of his arms up to breath through the sleeves of his shirt. It smelled so strong of sickness and rot that Steve thought the whole field of cows must have died or something. It was revolting, and he almost began dry heaving as the road curved and he came across something lying in the road.

A large, black shape was lying horizontally across the pavement, blocking nearly both lanes of traffic. He hadn’t been going fast enough to hit it, but he’d come close to doing so as he slowed the car to a stop, confusion furrowing his brow as he stared at the blockage. The falling snow made it difficult to see what it was clearly, but it looked too thin for it to have been a fallen tree.

It almost laid flat against the road, and if it hadn’t been for the light dusting of snow coating it, illustrating it as a 3D object, Steve would have been certain that it was a shadow.

A shadow like in his dreams.

Panic built up within him as quickly as a balloon filled with water, and threatened to burst just as immediately. He sat there with his headlights trained on the shape, breathing heavily out of his mouth when the sudden urge to bolt out of his car and run away overtook him. The last time he’d been this scared had been when he’d first encountered the Demogorgon, and for whatever reason as he sat there trembling, he was reminded of how it had almost killed the three of them when it burst into their world.

One hand was on his seatbelt, fumbling to get it undone before he could even think about what he was doing, the other on the door handle, ready to rip it open when he was freed of his restraint. He wanted to get to the bat in his trunk more than anything else in that moment.

His eyes never left whatever was lying there in front of him, and the longer he stared at it he realized it was a beast of some sort; too large to be a dog, but still canine-like in form. About the size of the Demogorgon, honestly, but bigger. It could have been a bear, if not for the weird proportions of its limbs.

Steve finally got the seatbelt undone and was about to run from the car when he finally caught himself in a moment of clarity.

‘What the hell are you doing, Harrington?’ Surprisingly, his voice of reason came in the form of Billy. It was unexpected, but for some reason Steve found it grounding to hear Billy’s stern voice rumble over the panicked thoughts currently running rampant in his head. ‘Gonna just ditch your rich bitch car and run out into the freezing woods like some sort of moron? Get real.’

“Get real,” he repeated, calming down a bit. He placed his hands back on the steering wheel and stared at the thing lying in the road, wondering if there was enough space for him to drive around it without getting stuck in the snow. It wasn’t moving, after all; maybe it had been hit by a car and was dead.

While it blocked the entirety of the road on his side, it only spread out about halfway into the lane of oncoming traffic. If his tires didn’t get stuck in the snow lining the shoulder, he should be able to get around it without issue. His panic, though subdued now, still threatened to become unmanageable as he put his foot gingerly on the gas, easing his car forward slowly and turning to navigate around whatever the hell was just lying there.

His heart was beating so loudly he could hear it thundering in his ears as he inched the car forward, snow piling down in a hard flurry around him. He was having a hard time breathing as he got closer and closer, his car now entirely in the left lane and almost even with the creature when it spasmed. Steve felt his heart seize up as the shadowy beast jerked spasmodically, raising its head so that it was staring in at him through the passenger window.

He heard himself start to whine, a high-pitched, desperate noise of terror as he stared back into the beast’s beady red eyes and he was sure, so, so sure that it was going to kill him if he didn’t move. He slammed on the gas as it lurched again, trying to come to a stand as Steve’s tires squealed uselessly on the slick pavement and the snowy ground before they finally caught traction and shot him forward.

The smell alone had been enough to make him sick, but his stomach began convulsing when he looked dead into the thing’s eyes. He almost threw up into his lap as he drove away, not daring to look back at what he’d seen to see if it was following him. He couldn’t control the way his whole body was shaking when he realized that he’d seen those eyes before.

The monster in the road had been the very same thing he’d seen that first night in the woods two weeks ago, and he knew now without a doubt that it was following him. That, or the parties were leading him to it, and he didn’t like the implications either way.

hi henlo it me, duke

i just wanted to say that the uh bit with the thing lying in the road was based on something that actually happened irl to my sister about two years ago. she was driving back to uni down in sc on some weird back roads late at night and she came across somethin lyin in the road like this

'It scared the hell out of me. I literally was so scared, i had never seen anything like it. It was big. Very big. It was like the size of a bear. But i knew it wasn't a bear. It was laying halfway into the left lane from the side of the road. It resembled a dog, or a large wolf. But the thing that really struck me was its bright glowing red eyes. That were looking straight ahead, so as i drove by, it looked right at me I didn't stop. and i didn't slow down. I kept going. But i was so scared. I have NEVER seen anything like that before. I almost thought i was imagining things, but those eyes stood out to me so much i knew that i saw something I have never seen it again since.'

she thinks it was somethin called a plat eye? dunno! but i asked her if i could use her spooky story in my spooky story and she said yeah lol

#harringrove #harringrove fic #billy hargrove/steve harrington #billy hargrove #steve harrington #werewolf!billy #slow burn #stranger things fanfiction

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