#psa cause I’m tired of seeing this shit all the time and even worse when you see full grown adults partake

[kiinghanalister]

reminder that everyone is allowed to have different fandom opinions and ships.

reminder that people don’t have to interpret scenes the same way as you do.

reminder that tumblr users use tags for sorting through their own blog or help people blacklist tags and rarely to share their content on the tag page.

reminder that every tumblr is run by a person - a living breathing human - you don’t know.

reminder that your impression of user(s) are usually assumptions - cause you literally don’t know them.

reminder that a post you read about someone’s take shouldn’t be the end all be all because they watch/read it differently then you.

fandom is supposed to be fun.

fandom shouldn’t include talking badly about people and their takes. Friendly discourse is welcome, of course it is. Dissing certain people specifically for how they consume the OG content is not.

fandom shouldn’t be spreading rumors (that are meant to hurt) about the writers, crew, celebrities behind the OG content, or fans

fandom shouldn’t be a place where you have to block people to avoid seeing bullying and harassment of other fans

literally everyone is in fandom cause they enjoy the OG content. fans that thrive on these shouldn’ts are a huge reason people leave fandom or even stop enjoying the OG content.

don’t be the person who does the shouldnts. If you truly dislike someone’s takes or even someone’s personality, use the block button instead of publicly talking crap or encouraging talking crap. It’s not funny. It’s not entertaining. It ruins the fun of fandom and could easily hurt someone even more then you know.

[morgana-ren]

Im. I love you? Your answer to that ask is beautiful, also I forgot about the other meaning for weed for a moment and got confused like, 'is morgana-ren a stoner? Beefy weed muscles???' and now i cant help but imagine stoned Shiggy. Specifically him forcefully shotgunning his captive because hes bored and if hes getting stoned she might as well too. Laughing at her when she gets spacey. This is a fun train of thought lol, thanks for inspiring it

I am a ridiculous and incoherent person. My first instinct is to literally reply with complete gibberish to most things. Shaming me has absolutely Z E R O effect because I have no shame. I’m a ridonkulous person. Last time I got high, I just laid in bed singing “Secret tunnel, secret tunnel” for like 3 hours.

To be fair, I would also do that completely buttfuck sober.

Gods I wish I had a gif of Shig smonkin some donk wods, but since I don’t, you’ll have to settle for me writing it.

PSA after the fact: I AM SO SORRY IT GOT A LIL CREEPY BUT TO BE FAIR, IT’S ME AND IF YOU SENDIN ME SHIT YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO BE REAL FECKIN’ SPECIFIC OR ELSE I’M GUNNA MAKE IT CREEPY also weed hits me way different than it does most folks so it’s really hard for me to be able to accurately describe how it might be to anyone else. SO imagine this is supervillain quirky weed he has special made to calm his...uh,.. never ending rage. also it’s ridiculously longer than I planned. cause I get carried away. anyway love you!

His room is dank and smells like mold and must.

Tight metal bindings cut into your wrists, leaving you raw with crusted blood despite the fact you stopped fighting days ago. Your tailbone feels bruised from constantly shifting on his worn down carpet, your legs prickling and aching from inactivity.

He’s kept you bound here for a while, handcuffs looped through the foot of his bed. You’re not entirely sure how long, since his ratty blackout curtains make it hard to see daylight. He’s got them taped down, blocking out all but the tiniest slivers of light. Like most of his life, his room exists in total darkness.

Time has little meaning here.

He doesn’t leave you alone often, only really exiting the room to bring you food which you refuse to eat. Most of it has been kicked into the corner, the soft buzz of fruit flies accumulating more and more by the day. It frustrates him, but he’s keen on reminding you that he’s patient. You’ll relent eventually.

Truth be told, your willpower is starting to give. Your body is stiff and sore, head perpetually aching from crying. His moods are like whiplash, one second crooning to you how special you are to him, the next backhanding you and calling you a stubborn bitch. You don’t know what he wants from you. If the fates were merciful, he’d get it over with and just kill you.

Ending your life doesn’t seem like it’s high on his list of priorities.

He’s facing away from you now, tinkering with something on his desk by the light of his various computer monitors. You can’t make out what it is, only that he’s been at it for the past ten minutes. Grateful as you are for his lack of attention, it always makes you nervous when he gets preoccupied. It usually means he’s working on some new and exciting way to break you.

You take comfort in the momentary peace, some temporary reprieve from the invasive leer of those horrid crimson eyes scanning over you in the darkness. Whatever he’s doing, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Only steel yourself against what he gives you when he’s finished.

He reaches into his desk, pulling out a plastic bag of something you can’t make out. All you know is when you hear the ziplock open, a strange scent floods the room. It smells vaguely familiar, but between your fucked up headspace and even worse situation, you can’t really bring yourself to care.

Leaning against the little metal bed leg you’re imprisoned against, you realize just how heavy your eyes are as you rest the back of your head on his threadbare mattress. Fighting off oncoming waves of pulsing anxiety takes most of your energy reserve, and bouts of sleep tend to come few and far between when you’re sleeping in the den of a predator.You’re so tired, so worn down, and you don’t know what else he could do to you that he hasn’t already done or planning to do. It would be a lie to say you hadn’t considered saying that to him, but you feel like tempting the universe or him isn’t a great idea right now. Either way, your eyelashes feel like weights dragging you under into the sea of sleep.

You’re almost there when his chair squeaks and you jolt awake, that overwhelming sense of dread coming over you. Your instincts blare and somehow you just know his eyes are on you again, waiting for you to acknowledge him. He wants your attention, and he expects you to give it.

Dragging your exhausted lids open when you know you’ll have to see that terrifying man is a burden you haven’t grown accustomed to having quite yet, but it’s one you bear anyway. Besides, you know that if he thinks you’re ignoring him, he has no problem forcing you to look at him. It’s easier to just give him what he wants. He hurts you less that way.

So you do, and just like you expected, he’s simpering down at you, holding something you can’t make out in his hands. Gulping comes on impulse; he looks far too pleased and that never bodes well for you.

“Do you know what this is?”

He holds it out and it takes you a second to make it out in the dark, but you know that basic shape.

“I-is that a pipe?”

“At least you know that much.” He gives you a cheeky lip quirk, making heat rise in your cheeks. Palming it in one hand, he uses the other to fish in his pocket, one finger carefully pulled outside the kangaroo pouch of his jacket. Following his movements, your brows furrow and curiosity almost wills you to speak. The words stall in your mouth, however, when you see him pull a cheap lighter out between two fingers.

He flicks it a few times with his thumb, sparking the light and sending small cinders dancing across the his lap. After a few tries, it finally holds. The light across his face only makes him seem all the more sinister, exacerbating the shadows that reside in the craggy, marred flesh of his cheeks. The flame dances in his pupils and the orange tinged shine glimmers off the edges of his weirdly perfect, jagged teeth. It’s extremely unsettling.

He lets the flame die, picking his pipe back up and tapping it on the desk once or twice.

“I don’t do this often. I usually prefer to keep a clear head.” He lazily arches back in his chair, inhaling the dank stench of the sticky green plant packed in his pipe before returning his gaze to you. “But in some cases, I find it can help you relax.”

Bringing the pipe to his face, he wraps his chapped lips around the bit and sparks the lighter again. You watch as the flame is sucked toward the bowl, igniting the contents and bringing them to a dull simmer.Thumb twitching on the carb and pinkie pulled away, he inhales, letting his head lull back on the seat of his chair. After a few seconds and a suppressed cough or two, he leans forward and exhales, sending a splay of thick, billowing smoke directly into your face.

You turn your head, watery eyes clinging shut, but it’s not enough to keep the acrid stench from clogging through your sinuses. It constricts your throat, compelling an instinctive cough from deep in your chest. Whatever it is he’s smoking, it’s strong.

His high pitched laugh echoes off the barren walls of his room as you scrunch your nose and try to disperse the smoke pooled in your face. When the air finally clears, he’s leaning toward you, arms resting on his knees with the pipe in one hand and his lighter in the other. The little embers still burn beneath the lip of the bowl, little grey spirals rising up from the still burning plant clusters.

He holds it out to you (as if you could take it with your hands restrained behind your back), hyena-grinning as you scowl up towards him.

“You should try a little. It might make you a little more-” Pausing, he pretends to be in thought. More mockery, you really wish you were desensitized to it by now. “-friendly.”

“I would have been friendly if you hadn’t kidnapped me like some sort of psychopath!”

He rolls his eyes at your outburst, languidly pushing himself off of his dilapidated computer chair and crouching down next to you instead. You know better than to kick at him, he won’t hesitate to break your legs to keep you in line. All you can do is stare at him nervously as he shakes his shaggy pale hair out over his forehead, still sporting that unnerving expression. His scarlet eyes burn arguably brighter than fire from the pipe, and exponentially more threatening.

He moves a little closer into your space, bringing the piece back up to his lips and lighting it up once again. He takes a deep inhale this time, even deeper than the first. Chest puffed and breath held, his lanky arm reaches out back behind him places the still-burning pipe back on the desk, gaze never leaving yours.You figure he’s going to blow it in your face again, either to be annoying or to try and give you some sort of shitty second rate high to make you more malleable.

It’s obnoxious, but not even close to the worst thing he’s done to you.

Yet, his cold, dry fingers grab at your jaw, forcing you to keep your attention on him. A chipped nail from his thumb prods at your lower lip and you realize he wants you to open your mouth. You could tell him to go fuck himself, but that only gives him what he wants, if only for a moment. Instead, you choose to glower at him.

If looks could kill, he would probably keel over, but unfortunately you live in a world where he has the upper hand. He squints at you, something you know would be equally as furious as your own grimace if his features had the freedom to express it. The fingers on your chin clamp down, digging into your soft skin in a bruising grip. The more you defy him, the more he punishes you, and his large hands have more than the power they need to cause you pain.

Eventually you feel your jaw start to crack. You try to hold out, try to stay your ground, but it becomes too much. Between his brutal strength and your already weakened condition, it’s no use fighting him on something he really wants.

You open your mouth, if only to cry in pain, and he immediately crashes his lips against yours.Teeth clack as you try to shake him off, but it’s too late. He’s breathing his air into your lungs, caustic mixture of the taste of the weed and the bitter scent of his breath swirling deep inside you. You try to heave it back at him, but the damage is done. Smoke barely seeps from the tiny cracks he allows between your faces, and your need to breathe is stronger than your ability to fight, so eventually, you relent.

You gulp the air he gives you down, just wanting him to get the fuck away from you. You can feel his lips quirk in a smile as you fight the urge to spit up from the foul scent of his exhale, ripped and bloodied lips scratching against yours. Eventually when he does pull away from you, you go into a hysterical coughing fit and between your bouts, you can hear him cackle.

You finally manage to calm yourself, but whatever it is he’s made you inhale, it’s strong. Stronger than anything you’re used to. Even second hand, your head is already humming, and you can feel your chest tighten against your will.

“You feel it, don’t you?” High pitched giggling and a weirdly gentle brush of a hand across your buzzing, swollen cheek. You go to swat him off, hissing in pain when the metal edge round holding you back cuts into an already existing cut. “Soon you won’t have any fight left in you at all.”

He leaves you alone for a minute, door clicking behind him. You catch your breath in his absence, eyes scanning your surroundings. You look for something, anything he has left within your reach that you can use to escape. It’s what you do during the exceedingly brief moments he’s not around, and so far, it hasn’t yielded any results, but you refuse to give up.

The curtains likely mean that there’s presumably a window behind there. If you can just get free, you might be able to jump out. Problem is you’re stuck with your hands restrained behind you on a metal bed post. It doesn’t matter how much you kick and scream, no one ever comes, so it’s probably safe to say whoever is below or above you doesn’t give a shit. You need to get out of these cuffs.

He smokes, at least occasionally. He’s probably got a bobby pin around here for scraping. If he’s anything like your mates, they probably litter the floor. To be fair, even if you get one, you don’t really know what to do with it. You could try your hand at lockpicking?

Heh. Hand. Get it? Cause all those hands?

Focus.

The biggest problem right now is the handcuffs. Technically, you could get out of them, but you’d have to disjoint your fingers to do it, which takes away from your already pathetic chances at escaping. It hurts to move your wrists, let alone yank on them. Why the fuck did this asshole have handcuffs anyway? Unless he’s doing some kinky shit in his down time. You wouldn’t put it past him, he’s obviously a weird guy. He seems like the type to be into some dirty stuff. You don’t know who with, but there’s probably villain fuckers out there he could find and take advantage of. Gross.

You audibly laugh.That’s funny.That’s really funny. You don’t know why, but the thought makes you giggle uncontrollably. Your mind refuses to stay on track.

Fucking focus!

Somewhere far away, you hear the door open and his heavy footsteps off to the side of you. Too late. You’re still laughing.

“Hey Shigaraki-”

He’s leaning down next to you, fucking with something behind you. Your hands. He’s messing around your hands. He’s cold. Why are his hands always so goddamn cold? Is that why he’s a villain? Cold hands? That would make you a villain too.

Your head feels several sizes too big, and you can’t help but think about how he smells like dust. Everything feels slow. You can feel your heart pumping. You can hear it too.

“-You should like, just let me go.That would be kinda cool. My hands hurt.”

You don’t notice they aren’t even cuffed anymore, or that he’s scooping you up in his arms and gently placing you on his bed.

“Don’t try to fight, now. You need a tolerance to before it’ll feel normal. You’ll only hurt yourself, and that would be such a shame.”

You can tell he’s mocking you again, but you just chortle because the words are processing like a slurry. The back of your head feels so soft. It’s definitely not the awful metal he’s made you crick your neck on the past little while. He’s touching your arms and it tickles. Flashes of his face play in your mind a little slower than they’re probably actually happening. It’s terrifying, but the fear doesn’t register. You wanna touch his face. You bet it feels funny.

You can hear the click of handcuffs again, and you know he’s cuffed you once again (so rude), just somewhere new now. Your fingers grip and you feel metal bars. A bed frame. Again. Uuugh. You kick your feet a little and they bounce off the mattress. Bouncy.

There’s a weight shift near your feet, and before you can really understand what’s happening, he’s on top of you, face hovering less than an inch above yours. Your cheeks are burning as his flaxen hair tickles and curtains you, and no matter how hard you want to, you can’t stop staring at his eyes. They’re so fucking intense you swear they scorch you. Like an abyss, you feel yourself being swallowed inside them as they stare long into you. Hate. Rage. So much embodied negativity you can practically feel it. Panic blooms in your chest but your body is reacting too slow. All you can do is squirm.

“Shh-” He’s caged your head in his arms, and his breath is glossing your cheek, just as sour as before but somehow you know what’s about to happen is much worse than forcefully smoking you out. “This’ll be much better for you if you relax and give in. Who knows? You could even enjoy it.”

He grinds his clothed pelvis into yours, and while somewhere inside your head, sirens are blaring, all your body can process is pressure against your most sensitive area. You whine, and he takes the opportunity to press his lips to yours again. Your mouth is slack and moist, so it’s nice and easy for him to slide his slimy, disgusting tongue down your throat. With your brain short circuiting from both shock and whatever he’s made you consume, your body doesn’t have enough control over its facilities to fight back.

He kisses you long and hard, if you can call whatever he’s doing to you kissing. It’s more like he’s trying to devour you. Sloppy, wet, and possessive, like he’s trying to choke you with his essence. It could have been a minute. It could have been hours. You don’t know.

When he does finally pull away, you can feel your stomach lurch as he laps at the string of spit that connects you to him, but you only blink your eyes wearily despite your extreme bodily reaction. You feel sleepy, or more accurately, your eyelids feel kinda heavy. Really heavy. Something visceral is telling you to stay awake, to keep fighting, but you just can’t. You can hear yourself speak but you don’t even know what you’re saying. You don’t remember.

“You’re cute like this, all spacey and stupid.” He flicks your forehead and your eyes flicker back open, but only briefly. “I guess it hit you kinda hard, huh? Sorry about that. I should have warned you. It must’ve slipped my mind.”

He presses his mouth to yours again, a little softer this time. You’re almost out at this point, everything feels so heavy. So sluggish. You barely feel his long, thin fingers glide slowly up your shirt.

“I think you could come to like it here with me if you stop being stubborn. But that’s okay. I forgive you. Like I told you before. I’m patient. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

[overdrivels]

@romancedeldiablo just reminded me the entire cybersecurity/information security industry is having the greatest field days ever since this whole Covid-19 triggered a mass work from home exodus.

I have so much to say about it and all the security issues that are occurring. This mostly pertains to the US. This isn’t meant to scare anyone, they’re just food for thought and a bit of explanation about my industry.

PSA: Not all hackers are bad, just a reminder. There are very legitimate reasons for hacking such as compliance and research. When I talk about hackers here, I’m talking about the bad ones who are exploiting without permission and for malicious reasons.

The main thing about this whole working from home thing is that most organizations don’t have the infrastructure to support their entire workforce. Not every company uses Google Drive or OneDrive or DropBox.

This means that companies with on-premise servers, isolated servers or networks are screwed. Imagine trying to connect to your friend’s computer who lives on the other side of the world and controlling their mouse. Can’t do it. Gotta download something on both ends to do it. Now imagine that for 500 people at home who are trying to connect to a single server. You’d need to open that server/network up to the internet. That has its own risks because without controlling WHO can access the server, you’re basically allowing anyone (hackers especially) to go in and take all your data.

But then you ask, “Isn’t that what passwords are for?” BITCH look at your own passwords. Do you really think 500 people will have passwords strong enough to withstand a rainbow table attack or that the server won’t shit itself when receiving 500 connections from unknown locations by means of a not-often used method? Hackers only need to exploit one password (for the most part) while the company needs to ensure ALL 500 are protected. That’s difficult as all hell and if it were that easy, I wouldn’t have a job.

Then there’s shit like Virtual Private Networks (VPNs) and RADIUS servers that’ll secure the network connection so it can’t be hijacked and do authentication respectively. Here’s the problem. VPN solutions need to be downloaded on the client system (your computer). When your organization has very technically illiterate people, that becomes a nightmare. ‘Cause you have to set up their accounts on the VPN system and set the permissions for each of them so they can only access what they’re allowed to access otherwise Bob from sales now has access to the HR system with everyone’s social security numbers. It’s very time consuming and can get very complicated. Even worse is that VPNs often require licenses. When you only have 50 licenses and suddenly 500 people want access, you’re screwed. But you can always purchase more licenses, no problem. Here’s the rub. Suddenly, this VPN tunnel needs to accept connections from 500 people. This tunnel is only strong enough to accept 50 concurrent sessions. When 10x that amount get on, guess what? The tunnel shits itself and basically the company has DoS’d itself. Now no one can get any work done until IT figures out how to get 500 people on a system that’s only capable of supporting 50.

Fuck, almost forgot about RADIUS. There’s DIAMETER, too, but shut up about it. It’s an authentication system but depending on how it’s set up, you’ll have to also set up the users. That’s an extra step and it’s a pain in the ass if RADIUS somehow isn’t connected to AD and the user has different passwords and shit.

Not to mention hackers suddenly gaining access to all this information because they’ve already infected people’s home computers and routers prior to the work from home stuff. There’s very limited way for IT to control what happens on a personal computer, so these personal computers can have no anti-virus or security software. This means all data is in danger because someone decided Windows Defender is annoying. (Windows Defender is pretty great, btw.)

Physical robberies are occurring a little more because there’s no one to protect the stores and such. Physical security is taking a hell of a beating.

There’s been an increase in phishing scams around COVID-19. Unemployment sites are probably being (and probably already have been) hacked and the data is being stolen. I think there were some people who were creating fake unemployment sites to steal PII. There are e-mails going out to people saying stuff like, “Your computer has been infected with the CORONAVIRUS. Click here to clean it up.” And you’re wondering, “What sort of morons…?” Don’t. It’s very easy to give in to your panic. Hackers don’t hack computers solely. They hack into human emotion, into the psyche. Anyone can fall for their shit.

The thing with Zoom? Basically they’re so insecure, people are hacking them without issue. How? Because people are silly and put out links, chat logs are saved onto insecure machines that have already been hacked, there are a bunch of exploits available for Zoom, etc.

Healthcare organizations. Oh boy. So, we all know healthcare organizations are working their damnedest to save people suffering from COVID-19. Every second counts and any delay in that process could mean life or death. They work hard. Here’s the thing. There has always been a delicate balance between security and usability. Too secure and it’ll make it difficult for the end user to do their job. Usable without security just makes it easier for an attacker to do their job. Why am I talking about this?

Healthcare organizations usually hold sensitive information. Health information. Social security numbers. Birth dates. Addresses. Insurance information. Family member information. So much stuff. They are a beautiful target for hackers because all that shit is right there and it’s accessible. Healthcare organizations, by and large, do not put a lot of emphasis on security. That’s changing a bit, but for the most part, the don’t care about security. They do the bare minimum because guess what? Every additional control can add time to a doctor or healthcare worker’s routine. Computer lockscreen every 5 minutes? Now the doctor has to re-logon every 5 minutes. This adds about 15 seconds to their rountine. Multiply that several times over for every patient that comes in assuming a doctor will need to log in at least 3 times during a single visit. That can clock in at at least an hour throughout the day. A hour that they could’ve spent doing something else. So imagine more controls. Password needs to be reset. Need to badge in. Log into this extra program to access this file. Call IT because this thing locked them out. Each one of these normal controls now feel insanely restrictive. The ease of use isn’t there and so organizations might look at reversing these security controls, potentially making things even less secure than before in the name of efficiency.

Don’t @ me about HIPAA. I will start rants about how non-prescriptive and ineffective it is to actually get proper security implemented.

LOL @ internet service providers. Internet speeds are dropping due to the amount of traffic they’re getting. Commercial internet really wasn’t prepared for this. Those poor bastards.

Some organizations outsource their IT teams. Those people (Managed Service Providers aka MSPs) are not prepared for this nonsense. It’s popular now to go after these guys for hacking. An MSP usually works for multiple organizations. So, why try going after 50 organizations individually when you have just one organization with poor security controls managing everything from one place? You’d logically go after the one rather than 50. It’s easier.

MSPs are now overworked because they also have to work from home to connect to systems that can’t support so many people connecting to it on personal computers that the MSP can’t log into like they normally would to fix any issues. This makes them tired. What happens when you’re tired? You make more mistakes. And that’s exactly what hackers go after. Once they’re in the MSP’s system, the hacker can now potentially gain access to the 50 clients’ systems. Easy win.

Shadow IT and alternate solutions. This is another doozy. Imagine all your files and shit are on your company’s network. No one is able to access it because there isn’t any VPN or remote sharing system or FTP server set up for this stuff, but you still need to do your job. So, what do you do? Obviously, you start making stuff on your own computer using whatever you’re comfortable with. Google Drive. Dropbox. Box. Slack. That shitty PDF reader you downloaded three years ago and didn’t update.

Now imagine sharing it through things like your personal e-mail which may or may not have been hacked without your knowledge. Or maybe the recipient’s been hacked without anyone’s knowledge. Maybe your files are normally encrypted if they’re on the company network. Now you’re off of it and nothing’s encrypted. Maybe you forget it delete a file or 80 off of your system which has been infected. Or maybe you pasted shit on pastebin or github and it’s available to the public because that’s just easier. Now anyone searching can find it. This is how database dumps are found sometimes and they’re really entertaining.

Shadow IT putting in alternate solutions without the company’s knowledge is always a fucking nightmare. I get that people need to do their jobs and want to do things a certain way, but can you not be selfish and put everyone at risk because you decided your way or the high way?

That sounds awfully familiar…it feels like a situation that we’re going through right now…hey, wait a minute…

Long story short, this whole working from home thing opens up a lot of security issues. Most companies are ill-equipped to handle IT issues, let alone cybersecurity/information security/IT security issues, but because of that, we’re seeing a lot of interesting things happening. Such as finding out New Jersey’s unemployment system runs on a 60+ year old programming language.

Holy shit I can talk about this all day. I’ve definitely glossed over a lot of stuff and oversimplified it. If anyone wants me to talk about any specific topic related to this or cybersecurity or information security in general, drop an ask. I’m always, always more than happy to talk about it.

[mistyeyedpea]

I think its time I make new friends :/

I'm kinda fed up with the way some people have gotten comfortable with treating me and need distance because otherwise I'm just going to be seen as someone who "can't handle that their friends have lives"

Its not even that. It's the fact that when I ask to hang out I'm constantly pushed to the side by my own fucking friends. I ask to hang out at most 2x a month... And no I don't want to hang out with other people I don't know, or people I'm not comfortable going out of my way to see. It's so hard having to explain to people it takes you a long time to get used to the idea of them being your friend.. cause you've had people mess up your head so much... you don't expect much from anyone, or worse you expect the worst out of situations... But in doing so you set such low standards that people think they can get away of taking advantage of your empathy.

My friend said they had a headache after I reminded them I had something of theirs so they couldn't come over to grab it and hang out. Couple hours later they are out getting drinks... this is a common occurrence with this person unfortunately. I have tried to bring it to their attention but they accuse me of making a problem for them. At this point I'm tired of having to explain myself. I'm also tired of the fact that if I speculate on their headache and their decision to go hang out with other people it makes me seem shitty, which is low key manipulative.. just tell the truth. It honestly is so much worse disrespecting someone like that blatantly. I don't care to be a priority... that's not it. It's the pricinpal behind it all. If you don't want to see me or drive to me just say that. Its obviously more convenient to see the people you see and hang out with them. That seems like a much better time, doesn't it?

And no matter how many times I've explained it this person can't feel like they did something wrong without villifying the other person involved.. They get into any inconvenience with their friends and they talk so negatively about them it makes me wonder. Their energy has been so toxic lately and I've been feeling this way about alot of my friends. I know we all have our own shit going on but this is why I have been feeling so fucking isolated. People that are my friends are never actually there. When I tell them my concerns its rarely considered.. It seems it's only been me putting in effort into my relationships so.. what if I just stopped? Like I'm tired of shit being so one sided and everyone having me feeling like I'm not important enough. I live less than 30 minutes from most of my closest friends and I see them less than once a month.. meanwhile they see certain people daily. Not that I want all that stimulation but I wish I could just call someone and they come over...

But really I kind of want to start over. I no longer am giving my energy to pointless interactions. I'm focusing on me and my art and my healing, so I can find and surround myself with proper support.

This will allow me to distance myself from these harmful situations in a healthy way.. some things I know some people are not capable of.. and I dont want to be influenced by the people around me negatively.

So here's to not letting people push your boundries, or under appreciate you. We deserve alot more than half ass friends.

I'm honestly low key triggered cause I've had this happen so many times and almost everytime it's been blamed on my "mental illness" or I get told I'm overreacting or being crazy but like what if its just other people not wanting to accept the fact that they made you feel like shit because they did shitty things that would make anyone feel shitty??? Isn't that like, a prime example of gaslighting? I get so fucking triggered when I get gaslit...

PSA about narcissistic abuse btw... If you didn't know; being triggered by being gaslit has being used as an abuse/manipulation tactic... they use your reaction to blame shift and act calm and are demeaning in the process because you are baring your bleeding chest... provoking reactions out of people to shift blame is evil... A bunch of smoke and mirrors..

I got off topic because I wanted to let people know the useful bit I learned along the way so that others can identify when it is happening to them, so they are not gaslit into apologizing for things they didn't do.. which is severely damaging to the psyche...

I am in no way saying that the people I spoke about are narcissists by the way. But narcissistic tendencies are particularly common

I would have wanted to know the signs before too. But unfortunately, alot of the knowledge I have is from lived experiences.. and something I learned in life is "people never forget how you made them feel"

All I ever wanted was to make people feel safe, respected, understood, seen, heard and loved..

I deserve people who will understand me and be kind to me and respect me.

That is the bare minimum..

Perhaps my trauma does effect these situations to some extent but I never do it to purposefully hurt or spite people. I just express how I feel. And I think that's the part that hurts the most. In my mind it's cause and effect. Other people want you to be able to control how you feel so that the things they do don't hurt. But see... this is where their "idealistic mentality" fails them. They are not taking into account how their actions might affect others. Funny how I've been told I'm too idealistic for people to consider my feelings but the other way around... is only in a perfect world as well. We don't live in a perfect world, we aren't perfect people. The closest to perfect we can be is taking accountability and learning from our mistakes, and our bad decisions... how else will we grow ?

[thewordonmainstreet]

It Doesn’t Always Get Better And I’m Proof

It’s Bell Let’s Talk time again and with that comes the messaging that some mental health PSA’s say that “it gets better”.  Well don’t I have news for them, it doesn’t and the world needs to know that it’s okay to not get better.  I’m living proof.  My depression has never been this bad since I was diagnosed at age 18.  Now at 43, my body has checked out on me and I’m left picking up the pieces and I’m not really doing that great a job at that.  I’m exhausted all the time and even after a seemingly restful 8 hours of sleep, I could use 8 more.  When I try to nap, I just can’t sleep.  Sarah (McLachlan) said it right when she sang “I’m so tired, I can’t sleep”.  That’s me.  I’m barely awake and nothing, not coffee, not water, not energy drinks wakes me up.  I have no appetite at all, cept for fast food which only seems to fill the void but I can’t afford a steady diet of that on my income.  I only cook because I have to and I feel that I’ve failed as a woman because of that.  I’m eating like a bird, picking at my food and wanting nothing to do with most of my fridge’s contents.  I want it all in a hurry or not at all.  It’s a hell of a thing to have depression/exhaustion take over your life.  My GP said that she doesn’t know what to do with me.  She’s at a total loss.  I am too.  And then I saw her, a woman whose depression or sheer exhaustion had become her.  Wearing a housecoat and earbuds at 11:58 a.m. on Tuesday morning, coming from getting a coffee at Timmie’s.  I wasn’t the only person that just stared at her and wondered if this was early onset Alzheimer’s causing wandering of just depression turned total exhaustion.  That was me, walking home in a housecoat at almost noon on a weekday.  My body has failed me and I’m failing at life.  I don’t want to be this way anymore.  I’ve got hardly any fight left within me but I’ve got to fight this tired harder than ever because it’s taking my life away.  It’s sapping my ability to blog, to read (yes, I can’t even concentrate to read a book), to cook properly.  It’s going to cost me in the long run.  I’ve decided that I’m going to fight this fatigue aggressively and just push past it. I’m going to shower when I don’t feel like it, cook when I don’t feel like it and just push myself to do everything else that my body says no to.  I just got a job today and I start next week.  I know this is depression and I need to fall in love with life again and find the right job fit for me but until then, I’ve got to not let this become me so much anymore.  I’ve got to do well at this job because my boss seems amazing and amazing and boss together are just so hard to find now.  He pretty much hired me on the spot.  I need to work because ODSP isn’t enough to get by and I want to eat and live better.  But for those that firmly believe in the rhetoric that “it gets better”, this is part of the positivity agenda and to hell with your positivity agenda because not all of us can snap back to reality because sometimes life falls to pieces and not into place. People get so disappointed when they see you’re not doing better, they lose patience so quickly with those that never seem to be on the up and up.  Well those people aren’t my kind of people, they need to get some understanding.  Some understanding that some of us have depression that lasts a lifetime.  Some of us never find our place in this world.  But until then, I vow not to be like that woman, housecoat-wearing and getting a coffee at almost noon.  I’m fighting depression with all that I have within me and there sure isn’t much left lately hence my blog title and I’ll be darned if it’s going to sideline me to the point where I’m fucking up this much.  I’m so far down but it’s not over.  I’m in the 11th hour but it’s not over.  I’ll look into getting help from herbs.  Herbal supplements, not pot.  My life has gone to pot but I won’t turn to it as I don’t like the smell on people, but bless them though.  No way in hell is this going to put me in a worse place than I am now.  So back off depression, this woman is down but I’ll never, ever be out.  Because I’m stubborn like that.  And stubborn is a damn good personality trait because stubborn gets shit done and doesn’t peace out in the middle of the fight.

EDIT:  Just as quickly as a job was offered to me and new hope sprang forward, it just as quickly died.  I’m used to things being given and taken away just moments after.  Everything ends just after beginning.  As a major mid-winter storm weathers against my home, so has life once again dealt me a blow.  I’ve spent the day in bed, unable to shower and get dressed because of the disappointment.  I’ve hardly eaten a thing today and am drowning in despair.  I don’t think I’ve got any strength left in me to rise against the storm that once against has come in to ravage me.  I’ll just take each day as it comes and rest in the assurance that what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

[thenightisland]

explanations/updates under the cut

i haven’t been able to maintain much in the way of interaction with most of the people i care about, also haven’t been able to do much more than get out of bed every day because it’s one thing to be depressed and another to have just had such a goddamn terrible few months that there’s no way your antidepressants can keep up with all the awful

i already had several weeks without my second in command because she’s cursed and had to have another surgery. our unit lost two of our main techs (for new people inexplicably reading this, i charge a locked acute psychiatric ward, and losing techs is a /massive/ loss). the admin demons have been instituting various new things that have been having terrible effects on the units which i won’t get into because that would be a really really long explanation with a lot of jargon in it. one of the things though is the fact that the “do not readmit” list has been low key thrown out the window, so all the pts who were on that list /with good fucking reason/ are of course, now coming back, and spoiler alert they’re just as terrible still.

this one bookstore closed which sounds stupid as fuck but that place was the closest thing i had to a church and it literally kept me alive when i was in high school like i say that completely without exaggeration so it closing was the equivalent of someone hacking off one of my limbs because it was still the main place i went to when i was upset and wanted to feel less miserable and i don’t have it anymore and you wouldn’t believe how hard it is like imagine if your church got demolished or whatever you believe in like it destroyed me and i feel unmoored i don’t have that safe space feeling now because it’s gone

meanwhile the person i spent seven years of my life in love with had a baby with the boyfriend she described as Guy Karen, named me godmother of their firstborn son, and unknowingly made his middle name the pen name i’ve used for a decade because fucking of course this might as well fucking happen too. but i have other romantic bullshit going on now that’s honestly fucking me up worse.

also somehow i still can’t escape a little life like it has haunted me every waking moment since march 2016 and i hate how much i am like the protagonist and it’s kind of fucking with me??????

a fucking garbage man bashed off the side mirror on my car which i still haven’t had the fucking time to get fixed that was great

spent my whole vacation anxious having panic attacks like what is the point in having a long vacation if you’re going to be constantly stressed over nothing like goddammit can’t i just have this

within the last month and a half five people i know have died. three of them were our patients which like doesn’t sound like a thing that would cause that much distress, but due to the nature of our unit, we’re the only family a lot of our career patients have most of our pts are homeless, schizophrenic, intellectually disabled, just plain unwanted people of varying illnesses, like we literally look after the people no one else wants so when we hear one of Our Patients has died it fucks us up so badly. and it’s even worse because it’s not like they died in their sleep or something all of them have been post-discharge suicides like our work already feels like a revolving door exercise in futility because that’s the nature of the field unfortunately but it still hurts like i spend forty hours or more a week with these people i literally see them than i see my friends and family our patients are mostly so close to us that like when the day shift charge nurse came back from maternity leave, pt who had been there when she was pregnant who were there again were asking about how the baby was doing so three of our pts killing themselves in the last month in a half is soul crushing

then the closest thing i had to a friend in nursing school, well, she died too. out of the fucking blue, out of nowhere. she was a 28 year old healthy woman with two young daughters. she worked so hard for her and her girls she went to nursing school to build a better life for them and she genuinely wanted to be a nurse meanwhile i originally got into it for the money like she only got to live her dream working in L&D for two and a half years. and then she was on vacation in florida with her girls who were doing like a cheerleading camp. and she just. went to sleep and never woke up. and i still don’t know what killed her no one has posted it on facebook, and unfortunately, all the people who might know are the people that i cut out of my life because the rest of our class was a toxic mess so i can’t very well be like heyyyyy so i know i deleted you years ago and all but what killed linda? so still no closure. i just hope to god her girls didn’t find their mother dead. like it wrecked me.

i also say that every time i come back from a vacation something awful happens like when i came back from boston/nyc i discovered i was the only nurse left on my shift and when i came back from st louis last fall my dog died a very traumatizing [for me] death, so when i came back from dc i was like hmm what next.

well, another fucking person died is what next. /one of my coworkers/ my alpha tech from my original 11-7 team one of the people who has literally saved my life and kept so many people from getting hurt this is someone i saw five days a week for the last two and a half years of my life. he was already going through a lot because him and his wife split, so he was staying at a friend’s house, a friend who happened to be an NP for one of the psych docs, and the NP’s sister who works as an internal medicine assistant. and then on cinco de mayo we got word that his car had flipped and killed him. and a lot of people attributed it to a classic cinco drunk driving fatality but it gets worse because of course it does because lol it wasn’t /his/ car that flipped. it was the NP’s sports car. and apparently, the NP was driving, and the sister was following. the sister and NP were off the grid for a couple days and then the sister came back to work, but the NP has been taken off the on call list “indefinitely” so not only is one of our team members dead, but he is probably dead from a /drunk driving vehicular homicide done by another team member/ because apparently the world was like fuck our unit specifically.

then i got to spend several days being targeted by a pt who was a behavioral case [aka they’re not actually mentally ill, they’ve learned to play the system to avoid going to jail, basically] and that involved her being in seclusion for seven goddamn hours and her literally endlessly threatening to kill me for days to the point that i was confined to our walled in nurses station because she was you know trying to kill me and just constantly standing on the other side of the glass throwing around some of the worst verbal abuse i’ve ever experienced like i’m already exhausted and fatigued and miserable can’t you shut the fuck up i need to find some kind of meaning in my job because it’s all i have and you’re making it very hard for me to feel like i’ve done any good for anyone

all of this built up nicely into a good old fashioned nervous breakdown to the point that i had to call in sick because lol turns out that that is a lot of fucking shit to deal with in the span of a month and a half and emotionally things are only going to get harder from here this year for a variety of personal reasons that suffice to say have literally kept me up at night and upset me enough that i even had some nightmares break through the medication because i’m seeing so many of my friends find their happiness and i hate that i can’t feel that happy for them because i’m so tired and when the fuck will it be my turn i don’t want to resent my friends’ happiness and successes i’m just fucking exhausted and would really like for some good goddamn things to start happening here any time now i’ve been under so much stress i’m just a human version of the song running on empty at this point it’s all too much and i still can’t write i’m still stuck in the same hell from a manuscript i wrote nearly four years ago all i’ve been able to write is Coping Poetry to keep from going off the deep end and honestly everything in my life just feels completely out of control and i’m just tired of so many bad things happening in such a short amount of time like i can handle my own emotional problems until you dump all this other fucking nightmare fuel on top of them then it’s too much

so for the unfinished ao3 wip i’m sorry for the sheet music requests i’m sorry for the unanswered messages i’m sorry i’m safe i’m not in any danger of hurting myself or anything but i’m overwhelmed and i barely have the energy to get through all the shit that’s been happening lately so i can’t even promise when my interactions with anyone will be back to normal especially given my already awful skill at withdrawing from the people who care about me because i don’t want to bring them down any so just. tolerate the queue’s work. if you see me posting more but not answering you it’s not you it’s me i just cannot manage even talking to more than like three people max right now hence the until further notice psa you’ve seen at the top of my blog

the worst part is that there’s actually /more/ but it’s also three in the morning and i have to work tomorrow so here’s the highlights turns out averaging one death a week takes a toll on a person who’s already isolated and exhausted

hopefully at some point, things won’t suck as much and i can go back to being regular me. till then, apologies, and enjoy the queue

[momo-de-avis]

vent// you ever felt like you're constantly being dismissed like even people you call fam / friends conveniently cast aside things you like or matter to you that conversations always feel one-way because you could be saying something and it just went into the void

Oh man yeah. I admit not so much these days because this bitch learned to marie kondo my friendships (I really love this expression) and just throw people in the pit if they don’t spark joy. But I do know what you’re talking about. I have three ways to go about it:

1. Shove them aside. If they don’t show the slightest interest and don’t even try, just fuck them. I mean, I know people who love yapping about themselves so much they literally are physically incapable of talking about anything else. So to me, hanging out with them means ‘them-time’ and I am mentally prepared for that. I stopped seeing them as friends, they’re mere acquaintances to me Not that I didn’t give them a chance: I did, but if you don’t learn the first 3 times, then I’m not gonna waste any more time. And when I say ‘talk about themselves’ I mean talk about what they love. Cause I’m more than happy to listen to your obsessions, your passions, the shit you love---but it’s a two way road. If a person doesn’t spare some time to retribute, they’re not worth your time.

2. Call them out. Literally say: you only talk about yourself, you don’t spare a second to hear me out and I feel left out and ignored, and honestly, it’s starting to make me feel like I’m your unpaid psychiatrist or, worse, just the talk-dumpster, and like, start a blog bruh. But really, try to reason, express to them how you feel (highlight on feel) and explain why their attitude hurts.

3. Literally do the same as them. Not kidding. This worked with people I was sort of forced to hang out with (like in college, when you have to pretend all those people around you are your friends, even though you know damn well you won’t keep in touch after you’re all done) or when I was reaching my breaking point of frustration. They’re yapping incessantly about the same shit for the millionth time and won’t give me an opening to talk? Nudge, sigh and say ‘yeah’ and grab your phone. Show you’re not interested. Then abruptly switch the conversation lmao It’s very passive-aggressive, I honestly don’t recommend this approach because it can yield terrible outcomes, that’s why I said I did this to people I didn’t really consider my friends but close acquaintances.

If the person matters to me, number 2 is my go-to. If they are my friends and I know they are willing to listen and adapt their behaviour, I have a serious conversation. If they don’t matter to me, it’s number 1. It’s also what I do to family to be honest because my family’s way of approaching the subject of ‘things Ana likes’ is belittling it, so I’ve refused to talk about it for a while now. 

But generally speaking, this is one of those attitudes I genuinely don’t understand like... It is so easy to spare the time to listen to your friends or the people you love. So easy. It’s an act of love/friendship itself. I love hearing people talk about the shit they love, bruh. But I also love being listened to. I love watching people’s reactions to what I’m saying when I’m talking about my stuff. I like to see they’re showing they care. A lot of people think it’s about empathy, but it’s really not? It’s compassion and support. I mean, you don’t have to like/understand the same things, you just gotta catch that sparkle in the person’s eyes, read their body language, understand their excitement, you know?

And it feels terrible to be in a group---friends, family, whatever---and feel like you’re just speaking into the void. It’s funny cause I had a very recent talk about this with a friend whom I shall not name and we were both like.. At one point, it feels like it’s your job to teach someone how to be social, and bruh, that is exhausting af.

In the age of social networking and shit it feels particularly alienating because the wrong thing can go around and gain unexpected traction and suddenly be all over the internet but the right thing might just go unnoticed and we’re constantly swaying between these two options with no in-between and it’s like we’re all living on the edge but if you already feel alienated in life, how are you going to manage that?

And like, I’m gonna take the chance of this ask to do a PSA coming from someone who’s also tired of this attitude: step aside and breathe, fellas. Listen to your friends. Message them at 3AM asking ‘hey, are you alright? Just checking, making sure everything’s fine and letting you know that whatever you might need I’m here for you’. If you don’t feel comfortable with that, send them stupid memes about the stuff they love. Listen and show they care. Life goes by too fast for us to pretend it’s all about us.