#proud of myself for pushing thru to go and i really just appreciated it all

[kindahoping4forever]

Hi😊 I hope you're doing well and the show wasn't too hard on your health♥️ Would love to hear about your time at the forum if you'd like to tell😊

It's so nice of you to check in like this, thank you! 🥰 Honestly, just about every health issue I have decided to flare in the weeks leading up to the show, so I was fairly nervous going into it, but it all actually went really well! (Of course, my body essentially insisted I go into hibernation the entire week after the show but that was inevitable tbh 😅)

The night started off a little iffy when I was waiting for my brother by a concession stand and a passerby stepped on a stray ketchup packet and it exploded all over my legs and bags. 😃 But after a brief pity party and an emergency purchase of unnecessarily expensive bottled water (crazy long bathroom lines limited my options), I got myself cleaned up enough to appreciate the humor of literally getting sauced at The 5SOS Show. 😌 (Sadly, that particular shirt was already sold out or else I would've got it to commemorate lol)

But except for that unexpected moment, it was a fantastic evening! I won't go into details about the show so that I don't have to spoiler tag this post (🥲) but I had the most amazing time. Even though I've obviously been following the tour online, there's really nothing like experiencing it firsthand and I still found myself floored by certain moments.

I'm always happy to see 5SOS but I suppose because of the uncertainty I felt leading up to this particular show, I just remember feeling so, so grateful to be there. Overwhelming bursts of gratitude and joy to the point of tears a couple times, which is crazy because I am far from a soft girlie. It was just a really beautiful experience and I'm so thankful to have had it! 💙

[amyisherenowitsokay]

claps hands together. hi hope you've been well, sorry i haven't asked much. buuuut. I forgot you wrote a thing until lately. :}

War On Love. How would it have continued/ended, what plot beats where there supposed to be if you remember any, etc?

also this'll sound weird, mainly because I can't really explain it and I'm still working thru it, but I wanted to say thanks for writing it? Finding it again and reading through it reminded me of things I had forgotten about myself for a while. Which has really helped from then to now. So, yeah, as silly as it sounds, thank you. :}

Lmao you're never obligated to interact with me homie, dw. Feel free to send me whatever when you're vibing, but don't also feel pressured to engage. You're too kind.

Long answer under the cut

I go back and forth on whether I'll ever update WoL. It just has so many bad connotations and memories for me about the headspace I was in while writing it, and where I was at emotionally, etc. On the other hand, I'm also incredibly proud of some of the insights I wrote about Gaz's perspective, and the overall plot twists and where it was going. I also still have a TON of writing for it still in bits and pieces, both important chunks and unimportant, AND like 4 chapters of the sequel written.

Sometimes I'm like, well, I could sort of finish it in the same style that like That Thing on Your Wrist and What We Become, which are more written in sort of continuous blurbs with gentle transitions and takes occasions to focus on really important scenes. I think with what I have written, it'd be feasible, but that'd also mean taking time away from my more important projects like Dead Weight and Re:MHNY2, so I hesitate to really commit to anything. You are not the first person to ask though, so that may be something I end up doing in the long term. A quick add up of the chunks of the story I have written says I have roughly 53k words of unpublished story for WoL. On the one hand, a shame to go to waste, on the other hand, I'm not really sure how I'd feel emotionally about trying to dig it back. Like I said, I go back and forth. Just for bonus trivia, since I gave the unpublished word count for WoL, it's sequel, which had a pending title of War on Finality, has 25k words written, and about a 2k words worth of ideas that I wrote, but wasn't sold on including.

I super appreciate btw your note about "things I had forgotten about myself for awhile." That really resonated with me. WoL has is a bittersweet for me because while it was my attempt to push through the gross stuff happening during that time period that I hadn't processed yet, I'm still also really proud of the messages I was going to include, some of the plot points I'd come up with, plot parallels, the OC's character development and direction, and how incredibly different it was going to be from anything I'd written at that point. I think it'd probably have ended up being one of my most emotive fics, and definitely with the (initial) darkest ending.

That being said, the plot of WoL definitely is it's own whole ass post, so apologies for not being able to answer immediately, but I genuinely think I'd break the character limit of tumblr if I tried to go into it all here lmao. Also, since it comes up sometimes from other dm's I've gotten, I think the better idea for me to do is make a masterpost about WoL and where it was going, include some screenshot blurbs for context, etc. That might take a few days, but when that posts, I'll reblog this with the link to the masterpost.

[rosefromc0ncret3]

its officially been one year of me living in socal. i cant believe it. i look back at my life a year ago and i wasnt sure how i was going to make it thru the year. i remember crying endless times and just thinking that i maybe made a mistake. it was so easy for me to give into my anxiety and fears at the time and just expect the worst. i felt like i didnt know what to do. looking back, i realized that all i really needed was time. even now, this experience is still so fresh. i wouldnt say that im completely in love with socal, but i know there are things i really appreciate about it. and there are moments of happiness where i know things have worked out. as much as there are moments where i wish i could just go home because thats all i know. being in socal really forced me to be outside of my comfort zone and face the parts of me that maybe i didnt wanna face. or really learn new skills and enhance current ones. gosh. i cant believe i now have my masters degree and am actually working in la. my younger self would have probly never believed it. im proud of myself for pushing thru. and for trusting the process. it def hasnt been easy to navigate this chapter in my life, nor trust that things would work out. but i had and still have to believe that they will. even with me looking for apartments again in la, i have mixed feelings. cuz i feel like i started to figure out my place here in long beach and the surrounding areas i liked. and now im looking to be in another area because its better for me workwise. and granted theres a lot i wanna explore in la too. i think i’ll miss being near oc, but i know its not going anywhere. and i know theres more for me to experience in la too. i hope that i’ll be able to find a place soon that will fulfill all my needs and wants. sigh. i cant believe how fast time has gone. and how fast time continues to go. even in just a few months, i know i’ll also be in a different place again. i hope i can look back at these moments in my life and be glad that i took these leaps of faith. and be glad that i challenged myself to go outside of what i know. this time in my life is something i know i’ll never forgot. im grateful for these experiences and whats to come. heres to more hopeful beginnings.

[kyunsies]

hello hello mädchen <3 i hope you're doing good today and it is lovely where you are

i am slowly feeling better thank you - i'm still have trouble with sleep but i hope that it gets better soon. 😢😢😢 your words. you are super amazing too and so kind. i feel we have very similar tendencies too and it's a really good thing sometimes but can also be a not so good thing. idk if you've tried this but i'm trying to try less hard? not that like i don't want to work hard but it feels like sometimes i cross that line where it's too much and it actually makes it worse? like to let go enough to be able to appreciate my work as opposed to try and kill myself over it? idk i don't know if it will work but i want to try? i've just moved to a new agent/rep that will hopefully be better for my mental health just cause they seem nicer and will stress me out less.

your job sounds really thorough though. do you enjoy it? i 100% agree with you though! i like to buy good quality clothes too, but that's probably because i really don't buy loads either so each piece feels like an investment? what did you get? is it warm where you are? or have you been investing in more wintry stuff? i so so rarely get multiple versions of albums! i always really to but then i wonder if i;m going overboard and if i end up looking at the photobooks? i got the comma and xiesta photobooks last year and now i'm not sure if i wanna sell them on to a monbebe that will appreciate them more? hmm just me overthinking probably? leather platform shoes sound AMAZING. hahah i do the same though if i know i want to spend some money so i usually wait for the following month sometimes even though i know i'm gonna get the thing anyway? haha.

i'm back to heaven as my fave now!! i'm so so so looking forward to mx eng2 but i agree with you. like these careers are so so so short i'm sure they're aware of this and just want to live their career to their full.

ahhhhh 😢😢😢i love you lots and honestly i was so scared my last year of uni too. i don't think older generations get how much harder it is for people our age when we leave uni and stuff to just start a live that is nice and happy and fulfilling. so you're not alone and honestly even now i feel the same way just after i left uni. BUT you know you have the ability and that means you'll always be able to find a way. i was gonna buy five versions of an album today so i am deffo not the most responsible haha XD but thank you and also know that being insecure means that you're human and not an asshole because honestly all the people that were so overconfident that i've ever known (and i don't mean like - putting it on to help them get through stuff or performing but legit thought they were all that) have all been assholes. so it means you have a good heart and you will always find a way. i don't deserve being looked up to honestly but i'm honored you think i am <3 i'll always keep working hard - i wish i could give you a hug in person and let you know that things will be okay! please always feel ok to tell me your troubles and anything as well. am always here for anything you need too <3

love you lots and lots and lots xxxxx 🦢

babe i am finallyyyyyyyyyy answering this now ;___; i'm so sorry i kept u waiting but i wanted to answer this with all of my attention and not when i was busy bc that wouldn't have been fair to u :( so i hope u have been well and thank u so much for being patient !!! also u used my full name ........ what if i loved u with my whole heart <3

have u finally been able to get the rest you need ? i know work can keep our anxieties on high alert, which makes us even more inclined to burn out :( i hope u are able to rest well soon and not worry too much about work in the future ;____; but like i always say i'm really proud of u for pushing thru anything bubbie like u could easily just give up or have a mental block but if there's one thing i know both of us pride ourselves in it's always finding a way to handle stress no matter what the cost it does to our mental heath etc ....... which could be a bad thing but also there's lots to be said about how our work ethic is right ?? also LDSKFJS not trying hard .......... i think u mean like not stressing myself over every little thing right? there's a saying "don't cry over spilled milk" like CHILL it's okay it's just a mistake just clean it up and move on :') i really wish i can learn this mentality in the future ...... i just don't have those types of ppl around me in nursing school bc all of us are always on edge so i think i'm missing ppl like that in my life (besides my family but to an extent they can be classified as type A personalities too skjflfj) but anyways; u said u moved onto a new agency?? i hope that works well for u and they are able to allow u to grow and create things freely <3 good luck !!!

my job is just okay !! i won't be doing this in the future but it's nice to know that for a fact i don't think i could work in an office setting like this for the rest of my life HHH but it's okay, i don't mind organizing things for other ppl esp if it will help the company in the long run !!! and about my clothes SLKDFJ i totally agree !!! like we said we don't like our bank account hitting below a certain number so everything i buy is like an "investment" like u said hehe so most of the things i buy for example jeans are over $70 for me but i know i'll probably go a whole year not buying another pair and wearing those most likely everyday lol u know ? it's very warm where i am (most days lol) so i've been buying some light weight clothing !!! i don't like wearing jean shorts or anything like that, my fav material to wear in the summer is linen and cotton so i've been buying a lot of flowy linen pants <3 i got a pair from the store madewell, and bc i was on holiday this week i went to this one swimsuit store called everything but water and they sell pricier swimwear but i get so fed up trying to go to cheaper stores to look for swim tops bc i have bigger boobs hhhh and nothing makes me feel comfortable in my own skin so i don't mind spending money on something i feel comfortable in !! anyways i bought a bathing suit from there and then i think that's it ?? i was going to buy some jo malone perfume but it's so expensive so i didn't ;____;

U ARE BACK ON THE HEAVEN TRAIN WOO HOO <3 lol it is such a good song ....... i told u it's in my top 3 comfort songs <3 and about the eng album !!! yes i totally agree, i think they're aware of how much they're doing and honestly i think they should take advantage at every opportunity that comes their way as long as they feel that have control of the situation :)

and ALL OF THIS LAST MESSAGE MADE ME CRY WHEN I READ THIS :((( i tell my mom about all my anons lololol and she knows about u and ur work and i read this last part to her and she thought it was so sweet of u to say ;_____; it's kinda comforting knowing i am not the only one who has these doubts about the last year of uni :( i don't get much feedback from my family (besides my mom and grandparents) about if they're proud of me or not , i don't think they really get how hard it is for me being a nursing student but i just want to do well at whatever i do :( i want to be able to look at myself and go "hey u know what ur doing and ur doing really well".... i just hope i get there someday ;____; i have so many anxieties and maybe i need to talk to someone about them bc i think they hinder my nursing performance rather than help me but just knowing someone like u cares out there ........ i mean u know me but we have never met and u are so sure about my abilities and i can't tell u how thankful i am for someone like u <3 truly brings tears to me eyes <3 i want to give u a hug too :( thank u for ur kind words always i could cry right now ;_____;

[inkykeiji]

I CANT BELIEVE U ACTUALLY DID A GIF THING IM ALFKJSLFKJS 🥺🤪🤣

lowkey this onlyfans thing reminds me of afton’s issei “miscommunication” fic but like . w/ dabi. except dabi is definitely lsdkfjs meaner about like. all of it and his content and much rougher w/ the reader <3 y’all ever thing about how he probably has an audio and all you can is hear is like the sound of slapping and muffled crying and then he goes “that’s my good fucking slut” and thats the end

also on t*ktok i follow this dom and i’m slfkjskljf slfkjs SO MANY HAND VIDS AND AUDIOS and like What if Dabi made this kinda content u kno. gratitious videos of hands fisting the sheets roughly, wearing rings, in prime position to choke someone. there was also an aftercare audio and i’m imagining dabi in an established relationship leaning over you to kiss your forehead as you lay all fucked out and he jus goes “you did so good baby you took my cock so well”

sometimes i think about Not Studying but today i was like “clari would want me to study” so here i am, doing ochem and suffering :’)

CONGRATS ON 2.5K!!!!!! your blog is one of my faveessssss and i am very 🥺🥺🤍🤍💖💖🎉🎉🎉 for u

you: lmao my boyfriend thinks hes slick by saying hes gonna give me ‘inspiration’ // also you, after the biting thing: i am a Little Inspired

i told my guy friend i was horny and my first thought was to text him “do you ever wanna get railed?” but that i was like “lmao maybe he can’t relate bc hes like not into anything up his own ass” (like i told him slkfjs i was horny and my thought process) and he was like “the last person who asked me that couldn’t walk after sooo” and i’m like slkfjs what does he want from me. we are in a lockdown i physically cant see anybody. is he tryna rub the fact that he gets laid more regularly in my face (pre pandemic)? is this some weird dick power trip? is he mildly flirting with me? can i just ask to suck his dick and move on? i dont even know if hes seeing someone slkfjsl

anyway hope ur day was good clariiii i am trying to send the powers of my hot water bottle and hugs thru the internet 4 u

- 🦦

UH EXCUSE ME I HOPE U LOVED THE GIF THING I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF AHAHAHA

oooh i haven’t read that yet!!! but omfg he definitely does and i’d pay a ridiculous amount of money for it

love how u censored tiktok eheheheh BUT YES OKAY LISTEN, LISTEN. DABI’S HANDS MAKE ME FERAL LIKE !!!!!!! oh my good god just thinking about them has me going absolutely wild like my mind cannot handle it, if he made hand videos i’d literally pass out every time i watched one

OMG REALLY?????? THAT MAKES ME SO 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 OMG I’M SO GLAD!!!!! and i’m so proud of you for pushing through n studying!!! i think you mentioned in your last ask that you took ur lab exam, so i hope school’s finally giving you a lil bit of a break now <33 N THANK U FOR UR CONGRATS i really appreciate it + you + everyone here so much  🥺 <3333333

WOW U REALLY DID CALL ME OUT EH????? god this had me giggling for a good ten minutes i’m not even kidding because it’s so true ehehehe

ahahahaha oh my god okay okay personally i think he was mildly flirting with u!!!! n probably bragging a lil but like more in a way where he’s all yeah i could do it to u too if u want instead of a way where he’s just flaunting it yk what i mean???

[theoi-crow]

I am really sorry to bother you with this question and my negative energy. I really appreciate all you do on here and how much effort you put into helping all the people on your blog. You seem to have a pretty clear/solid line of communication with your Gods, which is really alluring to most of us new polytheists... which I'm sure you worked hard on for years. I know you've made posts about Aphrodite being loving towards followers with mental health issues

Pt2: and of how Aphrodite has helped you and many others get thru their issues. Devoting myself to her gave me a push to reformat my days and I've been working harder to make better choices because of her... but my faith is so wavy. I have a hard time with binge eating, and it's something that has coat me my health and financial situation. I've tried harder and cant stop, and while Aphrodite has been strict with me through tarot, I find myself realizing that maybe I'm not doing enough for her

Pt3: or trying hard enough to get over things for her. My own insecurities get in the way most  of the time and I just feel hopeless in my communication with her. I dont feel her love like i did when i started. All i feel is my own judgement and I'm trying but in the end I'm worried I'm not doing enough, or working hard enough on myself, or if I'm just a waste of her time or efforts. I've worked so hard on my faith but I feel empty and cant hear her or know for sure. I want to make her proud.

--------------

Hi, first I want to apologize for not being able to reply sooner, with the trip and college, it's been hard to get around to replying but I know exactly what you're talking about. 

I also want to mention that while my connection with the gods seems solid, I do have moments where I won't hear and feel the gods for days, weeks or even months. I don't post about these moments but I want to mention it more so others see that this is normal. I wrote a post about it here: (LINK)

The second thing I want to mention is that I used to have a problem with binge eating when I had a food addiction that I've been struggling with for years that has thankfully subsided in the last few years but it's not easy and you really need to be gentle with yourself. 

I personally think mental health problems require your own kindness because it becomes a vicious cycle of guilt and strictness that can easily lead to being disappointed in one's self and self-loathing which can lead to the loss of hope and fear that you'll never recover. If being strict works for you, do that but it sounds like it's not working. 

Being gentle with yourself, forgiving yourself, and reminding yourself that you can do this, that you love yourself are all things that keep hope in your mind and it's this hope that helps you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This gentleness, being kind to yourself means the willingness to acknowledge that you are human and we humans make mistakes. We make mistakes and then we learn from those mistakes. According to science, It's how we've evolved as a species.

Forgive yourself for the times when you do what you said you wouldn't and try again. Keep trying because this practice will get easier but beating yourself up over it makes it hard to be okay with making mistakes because your body knows you'll be upset with it if it messes up. 

Be kind to your body, forgive it and encourage it to try and try again.

Try as many times as you have to, and know that you will get through this. If you need professional help, ask Apollo (if he's a god you work with) to help you find a therapist. If not, ask Aphrodite to ask Apollo for you or reach out to Apollo because mental health also falls under his domain and addiction/problems like binging will often require medical professionals. 

If you don't have access to reach out to a medical professional, ask Apollo to help you find free sources online and books that will help as well as helping you find communities that can support you. 

Another thing that I want to mention is your shadow self. Your shadow self will try to convince you that you aren't doing enough for the gods and it can even mimic the gods when they talk to you which is why I have set rules for interacting with them so I'm not accidently confusing a god with my shadow self: (LINK)

It can even mess with your tarot communication with the gods: (LINK)

Here is an amazing Masterpost for working on your shadow self: (LINK)

The reason why I say all of this is because I've had these same problems as well and these are the things that have helped me. I also sense Aphrodite telling me that you doing the best that you can is enough for her. Plus, as the goddess of love (including self-love) she wants you to be a lot kinder and more patient with yourself. 

Binge eating is a monster of a problem (it's a dark place I never want to go back to), I've had to do so much self-love as well as seek psychological help to help me break from that and so so so much shadow work. 

Be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone. Aphrodite is NOT mad at you, you are more than enough and she's not disappointed. Do your best but be willing to forgive yourself. Keep trying and keep talking to the gods. If they are cruel be suspicious of your shadow self and remember that they love you no matter what happens: (LINK)

Commit the post in that last link to memory and read it as many times as you have to.

You are loved and the gods love you. 

I hope this helps. 

May Aphrodite's warmth wrap your heart so you may understand that love transforms and frees the spirit of any addiction. 

[golbrocklovely]

twisted // colby brock - epilogue

A/N: PLEASE READ wow... it’s over. i’m really sad, but also really happy. this story is the first full story i’ve finished on my account. i’m so proud of this and how it turned out. i’m so happy yall have given it so much love and support. it means so much to me. if you want to go back and read thru everything again, feel free by going to the link below or by going on my page and search ‘twisted’ in the tags. that being said, i will be posting my next story ‘the chosen daughter’ soon, later this week. i can’t wait for you all to see it! let me know what you think about this ending! i’d love to hear what you thought about this whole story and what not. thank you guys, and i’ll see you later :)

description of the story

taglist: @absolute-randomness-forever , @far-to-many-bands , @itsmoony , @mellissalox​ , @sammy0927​ , @the-specific-oceans , @ashyoungxblood

trigger warning: mentions of kidnapping, mostly fluffy <3

word count: 964

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three Months Later

I sat down on my bed, fixing the tripod in front of me. I lined it up, making sure the image was straight. I took a deep breath, trying to relax my body.

Then I clicked record.

I waved awkwardly at the camera. “Hey guys. What’s up? I know it’s been a while. I kinda just wanted to talk, especially since a lot of you are wondering how I am. How we are.”

I cleared my throat, a tightness already forming. “As you know, Sam, Colby, and I were… kidnapped… and tortured… about three months ago. I know a lot of you saw the news reports of it, so you know a good amount of the details. That’s not what this video is about.”

“What I wanted to talk about is what I learned from this whole experience.” I continued.

I took a deep breath. “I never realized how much of my own life I took for granted. It never crossed my mind how easily all of this could be taken away from me.”

My hands trembled as I held back tears. “I… almost died. I almost watched my friends die. That is something I never imagined I would be saying.”

“That image will never leave me. That is gonna stay with me forever. That is gonna take years of therapy to help me cope with it.” My voice fell to a whisper.

I relaxed my body, trying to catch my breath. I wiped away fallen tears and looked directly into the camera.

“What I realized was that we don’t get a lot of time on this earth to appreciate what we got, or who we got. The idea that I could have lost Sam or Colby haunts me. There were so many things I didn’t get to tell them, so many things I was gonna have to live with knowing I couldn’t tell them.” I remarked.

“So this is me telling you that if you have someone in your life that you love but you haven’t told them yet, do it. Tell the people you care about that you love them. Hug them more often. Tell them they mean something to you. Let them know you cherish them.” My heart was pounding in my chest. “And if you have feelings, say them. This life is too short for you to wait until the right time because the right time is never gonna come. So make it right now.”

I paused, taking another deep breath. I could feel how hot my cheeks were from the crying and emotions I was feeling.

I exhaled. “That being said, I know a lot of you are wondering about me, Sam, and Colby. We’re okay. We’re taking it day by day. Life is never gonna be the same for us, and we know that. But we’re getting back to a normalcy. We lean on each other when we need to. And now I can honestly say both of those boys know how much I love them.”

I smiled, my thoughts drifting to Sam and Colby. “We’re okay…”

I glanced back up at the camera. “Um, I think that’s everything I wanted to update you guys on. I will be coming back soon and so will the boys. We all just really need to this break to get back to being ourselves and we appreciate you guys for being so amazing through all of this. Thank you. I can’t wait to come back.”

I threw a peace sign up at the camera, my smile from before coming back. “Bye guys.”

I leaned over, turning off the camera. The feeling of relief flooded my body for a moment.

~ / / ~

I knocked on the heavy door three times, glancing around the driveway to make sure a certain car was parked.

The door slowly opened, revealing a very sleepy Colby.

“Hey baby.” I smiled, stepping in and giving him a tight hug.

He chuckled softly, pulling me closer. “Hi. Sorry I didn’t respond to your messages. I was taking a nap.”

“It’s okay. Maybe I can come join you for a nap?” I mumbled, gazing up at him.

He nodded his head. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

Colby leaned down and lightly pecked my lips, his hands cupping my face gently.

To say I ever imagined this happening would be an understatement. I never thought Colby and I would end up together. But after the hospital, no one could keep us apart.

Walking up the stairs to his room, I hummed to myself. Just being in the Trap House brought me so much comfort. As we passed Sam’s room, I spoke. “How’s Sam doing? I haven’t seen him in almost a week.”

Colby pushed his door opened, gliding me inside. “He’s good. He and Kat have been hanging out with each other nonstop. He’s gonna fly back home for a bit next week.”

“Are you going with him?” I asked, sitting down on his bed.

He shook his head, laying down. “Nah. I literally had to beg my parents to leave once we got home from Washington. Two weeks straight of seeing them was great, but I like having my space. Plus, I’m fine.”

“But aren’t I in your space right now?” I smirked, as Colby grasped my wrists and pulled me down to his chest.

A cheeky smile came to his face. “When have I ever asked you to leave it?”

I let out a light giggle, letting my head rest on his chest. I snuggled into his side, his arms wrapping around me as our legs entangled. I laid there silently, listening to the wind brushing against his window.

I murmured. “We’re okay, huh.”

Colby took a deep breath, his muscles relaxing.

“Yeah, we are.”

<< CHAPTER 11 ||

[warwicksbooks]

Drive-Thru Dreams

NPR spoke to Adam Chandler about the role of fast food in American culture, and the issues that the industry faces today.

Drive-Thru Dreams

A Journey Through the Heart of America's Fast-Food Kingdom

by Adam Chandler

I had no idea that fast food had such cool history behind it. I have a newfound appreciation for fast food after reading your book. Were you hoping to change the way people look at fast food when you were writing it?

I was definitely hoping to nuance the conversation about fast food. I grew up in Texas, where it's not controversial or polarizing to eat fast food. Part of that has to do with car culture and part of that has to do with politics, but it's just kind of enmeshed in life there. And I now live in Brooklyn, New York, where one could definitely say there absolutely is some controversy and some division about fast food. I think that the book initially started off as kind of hoping to have a conversation with the people who may reflexively dismiss it out of hand and say that maybe there's a little bit more here. I was surprised to learn all the things that I did too, so I didn't fully know going in what I was getting myself into, other than a lot of really highly caloric food.

Do you think fast food is unfairly vilified?

I think a lot of criticism of fast food can be applied to the entire food or restaurant industry. I was a bartender in New York for six years, and I worked at dive bars and I worked at fine dining restaurants. And what you see in terms of wages, health and broader issues that face fast food are things that you also see wherever you go. Even the rise of fast casual has sort of been hailed as this alternative to fast food, but when you look deep down into the calories, it doesn't quite do as good as you think it should. So I do think you should criticize fast food, but I also think if you're making a conscious decision to not eat it and you're going to other restaurants thinking that you are sort of absolving yourself of these major issues that face fast food, you might be disappointed to find out what else is really out there in terms of people who are working for the tipped wage, the number of undocumented workers who live in very vulnerable work situations at restaurants, and the discrimination in terms of gender. [These] are all major issues that are part of the whole restaurant industry. And I think some attention is starting to come to that. I think it's easy to scapegoat fast food for things that exist in the entire [food] system.

In the book, you talk about how fast food businesses were once a way for entrepreneurs to achieve the American dream. What changed between then and now?

It's really wild when you look back at the history of the people who came up through fast food. Jeff Bezos is a prime example. He's the richest person in the world, and he used to work the Saturday shift at McDonald's. And there are so many other famous people in politics and music and entertainment and in business who have these similar stories. I think it's kind of an old-fashioned way of looking at American opportunity. What was possible in the '60s, '70s and '80s seems less possible now because of wage stagnation and because social mobility has been limited in the last few decades as education becomes more expensive. Those are all huge parts that contribute to the failure for Americans to really transcend and build a really steady middle-class life. Paul Ryan, who was the [Republican] vice presidential candidate [in 2012], still talks about his time at McDonald's as a moment where he felt like his future was in front of him, and he doesn't understand why people don't believe that today. And so, there is this kind of bygone longing of pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps America that I don't think really exists in the same way that it did before.

The average fast food worker now, depending on who you ask, is anywhere between 26 and 29 years old. So, it's not really about teenagers working for pocket money anymore. It's really about people who are working a few jobs to try and make ends meet. And that's much different from the ideal of American teens really doing character-building work on their way to somewhere else. ... Now, you can work really, really hard and still not make it all work, and that really contradicts everything we're taught from a very young age.

Fast food wasn't always perceived as unhealthy. You write about how the first sliders sold at White Castle were pretty small compared to what you can get now. How and when did fast food start to be perceived as junk food?

It probably started in the late '80s and early '90s. It was when I think America realized more broadly that there was an obesity epidemic underway. Kentucky Fried Chicken actually shortened its name to KFC because the word "fried" set off such an alarm bell in the early 1990s, and there were concerted efforts to make some changes. But ultimately the people who eat fast food mostly didn't want that. And that's sort of how people view fast food in a lot of circles — as sort of "this is what I have when I don't want to think about what I'm eating."

We [now] have these canonical sort of tomes talking about how terrible fast food is for you, and with good reason. There are some really problematic aspects to it. But at the same time, 80% of Americans eat it every single month and 96% of Americans eat it every single year. So, across all demographic bounds, it still has this loyalty — even among people who may say they don't [eat it], but actually probably at some point still do.

How do you think fast food is going to evolve as people are increasingly worried about their health and eating well?

I think we're actually right now at a really important inflection point when you talk about American health and fast food and how it all relates to bigger issues, [such as] wages, the economy, and the environment. ... We're seeing White Castle, which initially created the American hamburger as a national meal through intense marketing, offering Impossible [Burger] sliders and plant-based burgers on their menus. And they were kind of the first to really do it. And now Burger King is rolling out Impossible Whoppers nationally.

A number of other chains are hosting plant-based burgers or are trying new things to speak to that growing demographic. Those things aren't necessarily healthier, which is important to note. But moving to sort of open up some meat-free alternatives is kind of a broader shift that I think does speak to health.

Cage-free eggs are an example. Think of the millions of people who are going to have their first cage-free egg by way of an egg McMuffin at McDonald's. There is this progressive push that's led by activism and by eating trends and by consumers that does affect the fast food industry and what they produce. We think of fast food as powerful and monolithic, and in a lot of ways, it certainly is, but it also reflects the sort of whims and earnest desires of consumers. It moves a bit slowly to get there, but it does ultimately follow through because it has to survive.

You write about a survey that shows that the top reasons for people eating fast food are speed of service and convenience. But convenience comes at a cost for the environment, particularly with the use of single-use plastics. What do you think the responsibility of fast food restaurants should be in that regard?

I think fast food has a lot of work to do as an industry when it comes to changing or even nudging consumer habits. It's been fascinating to sort of see when McDonald's, for example, decided to stop using palm oil that is linked to deforestation, which I think is a good step. I don't know if they followed through on that, but they pledged to do it, which is good...

There's a big kind of controversy with a couple of chains, particularly in the South (Whataburger is one of them), that still use Styrofoam for their cups. And I think a couple of chains have tried to switch. But there's been a customer uproar about it, because they don't necessarily keep temperatures as cool for drinks or people just kind of prefer what they prefer. And if you're in an industry where you operate on thin margins, especially if you're a franchisee who owns maybe one or two locations of a place, if you lose a certain percentage of your customers trying to switch cups, it can make a huge difference in how you operate. So, there's a bind there for sure, and I don't know if legislation is the answer or if more customer pressure is the answer, but it's a real problem.

There are American fast food restaurants all over the world. I've always found that interesting because people from other countries are very proud of their own food. What makes American fast food successful globally?

Well, I think there's a curiosity about fast food wherever you go outside of the United States. I think this is such a quintessentially American industry and the history reflects that. ... The rise of the roads after World War II, the building of car culture, but also just what you think of as America. The McDonald's logo is more familiar and recognizable than the Christian Cross, according to studies. ... Much to the chagrin of people I travel with, especially my partner, when we go to new places, I definitely drag her to fast food restaurants to check out what's different. And the way that fast food adapts in different places is unique. I think it's really interesting to go into a McDonald's in Jerusalem and get a kosher Big Mac [or] to go to a Burger King in Japan and get a breakfast sandwich with spam. That speaks to the culinary talent of the world reflected through this American sort of lens. It's a reflection of globalization for sure, but it's also kind of personal.

It exists in the United States too. ... There are so many different regional breakdowns of what a hamburger is supposed to look like. In the Midwest, there are steak burgers and they're smashed flat and they're crisp up on the edges. ... In the Northeast you can get a lobster roll out of McDonald's. And if you head north, you can find poutine in Canada at a lot of fast food restaurants. So, it's not just a gimmick, it's part of how these places adapt to reflect the local tastes. ... And it's funny because you think of fast food places in globalization terms as these sort of hectoring, enormous corporations foisting their values on places, but when you go inside, you do see that [some of] what the average person would eat in most countries is reflected on the menu. And I think that's really cool.

Luisa Torres is a AAAS Mass Media Fellow on NPR's science desk. She's on Twitter at @luisatorresduq.

[tumortunes]

Perkatory- mental health

my own thoughts:

i didnt think it would happen to me. cancer is something that happens to other people. to my patients that i would encounter. to other people's parents. in kdramas and greys anatomy. cancer was just another disease to learn about in lecture and memorize sxs and

i have always been a mind over matter person. i could push through any discomfort. pain was temporary. grit was admirable. pushing forward when it got tough was something to strive for. to quit is to be weak minded and that was not an option for me. i worked hard and kept working hard until i succeeded. i would not feel proud of myself if i fell short. my ego would shatter if i gave up.

my body couldn't keep up with my mentality.

and even after treatment it still cant.

im tired. i sleep in all the time. i can socialize but im so tired afterward. i cant run a mile at the same pace or distance as before. i ran a half marathon just 4 months before my diagnosis. i was so healthy. i still cant believe this is happening to me.

"the pain of cancer lasts forever" said the moderator. i literally fucking hope not. i would be so pissed if that's true. that will not be me.

what is harder? concurrent high dose IV hospitalized chemo and radiation for 5mo or oral chemo for 3 years.

disservice to myself to tough it out. to think that i am tougher than everyone else. i am not. don't be so vain.

i did not get to choose my path. cancer chose for me. emotionally coasting thru treatment. detached from my life. living my best life > no solid ground to stand on. how to proceed? finishing treatment was the most challenging day. fear. anxiety. unpredictable. who am i now. trying to feel excited. performative for the fam and clinical team who was more excited than i was.

thoughts about the speakers:

Jordan Adams- basic. boring voice. tolkien reference. classic cancer "appreciate the people you love" story. people are like wow, write a book. beautiful way with words. so in touch with your emotions. i would not read it.

Elisabeth Dodd- dad died from cancer when she was in college. depression. acts of care from friends and fam. really perky.

Charles Razook- needing help is shitty. asking for help feels worse. societal expectations. vulnerability. disservice to tough it out. i am tougher than everyone else. i am not. don't be so vain.

Jessica Guerrero- nurse. cancer pt. i did not get to choose my path. cancer chose for me. emotionally coasting. detached from my life. living my best life > no solid ground to stand on. how to proceed? finishing treatment was the most challenging day. fear. anxiety. unpredictable. who am i now. she went to cancer camp. this is your life, health and wellness coaching. interactive workshops. life is precious. no guaranties. enjoy the small stuff. blah blah (www.thisisyourlife.live) (this is your life -the killers)

Cynthia Hayes- older. nice speaking voice. showing emotion is a sign of weakness. emotionally volatile. dx was a relief. now there is a game plan. waiting is the worst. shared emotional turmoil. patterns in the cancer pt experience. what we feel, why, what to do about it. cancer emotions are expected. i am the only one who is so weak and pathetic. emotional recovery only after physical recovery is complete. compartmentalizing. doing stuff to change body chemistry. denial. emotional and physical intimacy is messed up. (the big ordeal - book) (https://thebigordeal.com/) the right way to cope with cancer is the one that works for you. protective armor. there is no plan for survivorship the way there is a plan for treatment. go off the deep end when you are done. not sharing to sometimes portect them and sometimes to protect myself. what works one day might not help the next day. try different things. forest bathing > regulate body and brain chemistry.

Melanie Kent- i read her article in elephants and tea already. her voice is childlike. nah to the aya community. i needed denial at the beginning. i needed distance. i needed people to see me as not a cancer pt but just as me.

Asha Miller- i think she is the one that writes the articles i like on elephants and tea? maybe not. great speaker. v captivating story telling. dx > left my body. slowly coming back to it. (https://elephantsandtea.com/survivorship/theres-a-safe-space-for-you-here/) cancer veteran. i was wrecked yall. i crashed and i learned. started out treatment strong. eyes opened to the reality of what was happening and what will happen. i broke. screaming at myself to get it all out. broke the dam that was building for month. weeping. we are still here against all odds.

Hailey Johnston- lgbtq cancer (https://elephantsandtea.com/survivorship/theres-a-safe-space-for-you-here/)

[hikingnotcounting]

June 19 and 20

Zero days in Damascus

We are taking our first longer break! Most people use Damascus as an opportunity to take two zeros - and we are doing just that. And we need it! Our bodies are really starting to feel the impact of hiking every day so we are happy to rest up.

We spent the two days just being lazy pieces of shit. The food in Damascus was great! Over the period we were in Damascus we had breakfast twice at Mojos, 2 dinners and a breakfasts at the Damascus Diner, had a dinner at the Old Mill, and made countless visits to the outfitters in town. One highlight of the visit was the community pool! I usually don’t love pools, especially not community pools, however, Dots bought an inflatable pineapple floaty and her, Feather, Gump and I laid in the pool, and played pool games for hours! It was so much fun! It was hot and sunny in Damascus, so I appreciated swimming in a pool over hiking. We also walked up and down the Virginia Creeper trail, which also runs through the town, and hung out in the park by the river.

The park had a replica of an AT shelter, but it wasn’t meant to actually sleep in. One day is started to rain and Feather and I walked to the shelter in the park to get out of the rain, and we find Dots and Gump already there. This was hilarious as even in town, hikers will congregate in a shelter during the rain.

We also did some yoga in the park, and Feather shows us some acroyoga moves (yoga with two people).

Lastly we spent the evening drinking booze and being silly with all the other hikers in town. We were glad to be in the rowdy hostel! Other hikers staying at other hostels even came to this one for a good time. It was some of my favourite nights on the trail!

I also used this opportunity to reflect where I am on the trail and how I’m feeling. A few figures:

- I’ve hiked 470.4 miles, or 753km to date. This doesn’t include the countless .1 or .2 mile side trails to get to a water source or shelters, the walking in and out and around towns, the walks to a road to get a hitch, etc. This figure is pure miles hiked on the Appalachian Trail.

- This makes up 21.4% of the trail - so still a long ways to go, about 1,720 miles left.

- Total elevation gain to date (I.e. the amount of uphill I’ve hiked) is 111,957 feet (!!!!!!😲😲😲) This should give perspective to the fact that I’m usually walking uphill or downhill. There are rarely flat spots and a lot of my days are spent huffing it uphill!

- I’ve made it here injury free! Physically, I’m doing relatively good:

- My feet feel great! They’re bigger, more callused and dirty, but I haven’t had one blister! My feet will throb at the end of a long day, or at points during the day, and the first few steps of the day are sore on the bottom of my feet, but that’s the worst of it. At times I’ve felt pain in my arches or achillies, but its temporary.

- My legs feel strong and powerful! They feel the worst on the first few hundred feet of uphill on a long day (heavy and tired) but then as I climb they feel lighter and stronger.

- My knees are the most problematic part right now. My knees hate me! They don’t feel too painful while I’m hiking, but they feel rusty and like they belong to an 80 year old women. When I bend down to get into my tent, get off the ground, or to pee they really hurt and it hurts to get up. My left knee and the muscles around it will start to hurt while I’m walking sometimes - feels like a pulled muscles. I’ll be keeping a close eye on my knees!

- I’ve lost about 17/20 pounds and I’m eating huge amounts of food all the time!

- Mentally, I’m feeling great! The hike is really more mental than physical. I’ve had a lot of hard days, where I don’t feel like hiking, or the bugs or heat are getting to me, or I feel so fucking tired of hiking uphill and a few hundred feet feel like a few thousand. But overall I’m so happy to be out here! I feel so suited for the lifestyle of thru hiking. I love living in the woods, meeting new people, using my body every day, living out of whatever I can carry on my back, the simplicity of everyday, the Tramily, everything! On even my hardest days I don’t ever feel like quitting because I’m enjoying the overall lifestyle.

The next question I’m pondering is: Will I make it to Katahdin? (The northern terminus of the Appalachian trail)

- Physically: At this point, I have no doubt in my mind that my body is capable of taking me to Katahdin, unless I become injured.

- Mentally: I think so (see above) - whenever I have doubts in whether I can do this, it’s usually when I question if I will be able to take day after day of long miles with heat, bugs, etc. So far I have done that and I haven’t felt like quitting - but will I feel that way in 2 months? The hiking day after day after day can be tiring and monotonous, but for now I still enjoy it most of the time - but that could fade.

- Time: I have to summit Katahdin by mid October - after that the trail to Katahdin begins to close because of dangerous weather and trail conditions. Will I make it there on time? I really don’t know - probably not, but I don’t really care, nor am I focused on that. For the first time in a long time I feel like I am really living in the present. I have no desire to rush and push myself to try to make it to Katahdin. I’m getting much more out of this by just enjoying the journey and enjoying each day as it comes. I rarely have any sort of plan except for figuring out how much food I need until my next resupply. Furthermore, if I push myself, I only lesson my odds of a successful thru hiking either through increased risk of injury or because I stop enjoying myself. So if I make it to Katahdin via one continuous north bound thru hike that would be great, but if not I can always flip up and hike Katahdin and then go south.

All in all - I’m feeling great!! I am so proud of myself for making it this far. Before I started I had nothing but doubts. I thought I was too weak and out of shape to do this, I thought I wouldn’t make friends, I thought I would get out here and find out I didn’t actually like it. I invested so much into this hike it made me so nervous that I couldn’t do it. I really didn’t think I would actually make it this far. For years I would see people who would do this, or things like this and wish I was like that person, or as adventurous - and now I’m fucking doing it and I am that person now! I feel like the adventurous badass I always wanted to be!

[iamtmblrbby]

im khloe.

I’m 20.

At 3, I read my first chapter book.

At 4, I had 500 AR points (and I had my first 2 bullies & black eye that year)

At 5, I read on a 12th grade level (and I sobbed in the counselors office about having no friends)

At 7, I won second place in a state poetry contest

At 8, I was snuck into gifted classes even after failing the test to get into them (and the other kids parents got me kicked out)

At 9, I sang 4 different solos in school choir that year (I went through my most traumatic parental experience I ever had with my father)

At 10, I was student of the year,highest gpa, And principals choice. ( I got on the bus and sobbed suicidally about it because the kids cracked jokes cus everyone thought I was trying to be better than them. )

At 11, I had 3000 AR points. (And deeply rooted self esteem issues started to surface)

By 12, I had a bookshelf full of academic trophies and medals (and I broke them all in anger one day)

At 14, i wrote another poem about my dead dad and won a first place and a spot in the American library of poetry ( i smoked my first blunt snorted my first pill and I never bought the book)

At 15, I never had down to a dress code on my record but I got sent to alternative school for something stupid. (I became the talk of my old high school)

At 16, My mom set it up for me to be skipped from sophomore to junior year and I stayed at school everyday Monday thru Saturday until 5pm (high asl with fresh & itching cuts under my sleeves)

At 17, i made a 28 on the act. I graduated a year before anyone I grew up with. I got an academic scholarship to my number one pick out of state. And I had my first experience living in my own world, but apart from (There was brief mental peace. God had mercy.)

At 18, I had to leave college but got hired at about 7 places. 4 which I would actually go to work for.. the longest being 6 months. I began to have new,deep experiences in love and life. my spiritual views started to form. I began to feel as though I was beginning to live more authentically {haha based on now boy was I so damn wrong but it was a start fr} (I found out I was sick, I bottled up all my non positive emotions about my relationship/partner and was inside a resentful bitter sex addict w control issues and insecurities & outside an emotionally unstable needy & affectionate bitch, my relationship with my only living parent was hell {esp if I was even out of a job for a second}, I cried more than my depression years combined)

At 19, everything started to slowly shift. I got a first glimpse at my real spiritual gifts. (my boyfriend was a fuckboy) I got approved for my first apartment signed my first lease. (I screamed & cried in my room at the top of my lungs the day before moving in) then everything was magic. (I found out my boyfriend was REALLY a fuckboy) I started my music career as Pixi K and my first couple songs would hit the thousands in a week. (I found out my boyfriend was deadass from h*ll or basically somewhere where they don’t have a conscience bc what the hEll *~*) I had my first visions that I can’t tell anybody about frfr bc They’re from light years ahead.

I got lost in the sauce because this became a chest off to the universe and also helped me release those residual emotions from some of those childhood experiences. But There was a direction I was going with this, all my brightest moments to others.. the moments where I used my ambition..or my talent...or my love..or was accomplishing goals just to try to get the same people that made me feel smaller than I physically am to see that I have WORTH/be proud/validate me... have been my souls darkest moments. My mentally darkest moments. My spiritually lowest moments. And the craziest part about it is 90% of it all: NOBODY KNEW. & NOBODY CARED TO KNOW. Imagine trying to please everyone while ur engulfed in flames constantly. but everyone had something to say to belittle, something to do to kick while I was down, something to push me into overdrive, exhausting my energy & will to live.

I don’t wanna perform for nobody myself. I don’t wanna Change for nobody but myself. I don’t wanna answer to nobody by myself. Ion wanna move on nobody time but my own and I OWE IT TO MYSELF. OWE. I’ve lived my whole life for other people. IM SIXK OF MY OWNNN SHIT. I LOVE MYSELF. ALL THESE ACCOMPLISHMENTS PROVE IM OUTRAGEOUSLY TALENTED, SMART DAMN NEAR GENIUS, CAPABLE, I KNOW HOW TO REACH GOALS. AND I NEVER NEEDED ANYONE TO TELL ME THAT OR REFLECT THAT TO ME BY BEING THAT LIKE I THOUGHT I DID THESE WHOLE 19 YEARS. I ONLY GET WRAPPED UP IN THESE FANTASIES N BULLSHIT TO TAKE THE PRESSURE OF FEELING THE NEED TO CONFORM TO WHO EVERYBODY EXPECTS ME TO BE OFF ME.

I only want to be loved. Appreciated. Understood as a human.

At 20, I’m stepping into the unknown. what I didn’t know is I’m actually taking back the reigns on my life and it just feels like I’m losing all control because I’ve never been the one making the choices. In my mind I did, but my mind wasn’t being captained by my soul. It was being captained by the beliefs, the conditioning, the trauma they put on me...the box they put me in. The people I gave the power to make decisions for me.

At 20, I will know what true freedom feels like.

CONSIDER THIS NOTE ME LETTING GO OF EVERYTHING . EVERY PERSON I LOVE. EVERY DREAM IM CHASING. EVERYTHING I CANT CONTROL. EVERYTHING. EVERY VOICE OPINION FEELING I SOAKED UP THAT SHAPED ME IN 19 YEARS. THIS IS COMPLETE SURRENDER. ***ENDLESS WHITE FLAG EMOJIS***

@SPIRIT BECAUSE THATS ALL U BEEN TELLIN ME. SURRENDER. SURRENDER. REALLY SURRENDER.

WELL HERE YOU GO, IN VIRTUAL INK.

I AM A VOID.

[2019neworleansteentour]

Day Three, The Return...

Perspectives from First Experience, June 28-30th…

On the last day and trip home, the group stopped at a few important historical sites for African Americans. These sites are landmarks in both the south and history because they serve as reminders of both where we came from and how far we’ve come. Along with a short visit to Tuskegee university, which represents what we as a people are capable of achieving on our own despite the situations we are facing against. -Daryl C.

Today finalized the WeCCAAN 2019 New Orleans Tour on Culture and Service Learning. This was an awesome experience for me not only because I got to give back to others without receiving anything for my service, BUT because I was humbled in so many different ways. This wasn’t just a service learning trip but also a vacation for me since I’ve never been to New Orleans. I learned so much about my African American culture in just a short period of time, like how the Congo Square was where we got to show off all of our talents in the music world. Going to the different colleges seeing all the African Americans who have, and some who are currently making improvements on the school. It made me realize how once we were at the bottom of the food chain, but slowly African Americans are headed to the top. Then, the talk with Mr. Green really touched my heart, hearing the story how he lost his mother and granddaughter. How he tried every option there was to save himself and his family, but he just couldn’t. How even though he was going thru his own trials he was still there being a helping hand to others around him. Driving down the streets of New Orleans seeing all the vacant lots where there were once homes, but Katrina had destroyed them, and families still 14 years later still haven’t rebuilt their homes. Walking down the streets seeing all the homeless people seeing them sleep on cardboard boxes, their shoes, or just the hard concrete. This just really humbled me and made me be even more appreciative of every single thing that I have. Also, this trip allowed me to meet new people, try new delicious foods, and see another culture. I am so grateful to be able to be apart of this trip, because if not I wouldn’t have been able to have these experiences. -Kylah F.

The trip to New Orleans was amazing with all these new people I got to learn a lot about them. After hearing all the amazing stories about hurricane Katrina and how it affected people’s lives they still kept fighting to make things right again. I also found out about Tuskegee university, which was established by Booker T. Washington, I knew nothing about the school but today that changed I learned that it wasn’t an experiment it was a study and it’s a historical black university and each building that was built on the campus was named after someone that helped build it. They also had a museum on their campus but we couldn’t go in it because it was closed. We also seen Troy university and across the street was where Rosa Parks got arrested for the bus situation in Alabama. My name is Elijah and this is my first trip outside of my normal time zone and to Alabama, Louisiana, and Mississippi and I would love to go on another one because it was the best trip I ever took. -Elijah H. W.

This trip to New Orleans was an overall great experience for me and fulfilled all my expectations and then some. While I went into it expecting to gain more knowledge, it was way more than that. It brought culture of places I had never been and information that has opened new doors. Hearing the stories of loss ones to those tragic events of Katrina was very heartbreaking and was felt enormously. Helping out by doing whatever I can always warms me, and being able to help that lady with her garden was a wonderful task. She was very appreciative and welcomed us from the second we arrived. Not only was New Orleans great itself but the people gone with made the experience ten times better. This trip has not only made me want to keep coming on these tours, but to also visit New Orleans in the near future. All that has happened will be remembered, and I am great full to have had the opportunity. -Bobby H.

Today was bittersweet as we not only said goodbye to the Big Easy but also said goodbye to everyone on the tour. It's something incredible about the bond forged in the tireless pursuit of service to others. So many great connections made this weekend. The good thing is that we will continue to support each other and our communities from what we learned while on the WECCAAN Tour. I'm already looking forward to next year for another impactful tour. A huge amount of gratitude to all the teens who gave of their summer to help and learn from others, all the incredible chaperones who made it their mission to support this endeavor and especially Dr Mike Weaver, who makes these tours possible every year. -Giovan B.

This weekend exceeded my expectations. I came here to learn about new things and to be grateful for the life I live now and I am. This weekend taught me to be proud, but not satisfied. I was given the opportunity to talk with some amazing people who showed me that I can make the future brighter and better with my willpower and determination. This weekend made me feel honored to be in so many historical places where amazing people have walked the Earth. I am extremely glad that I was given this opportunity and that I was surrounded by a great group of people. -Ayshia B.

This Whole Trip Taught Me About Life And Things I Want To Do As In Career Although I Want To Be A Nurse I Seen A Few Nursin Colleges . This Will Change On How I Act With People And Interfere With Things . Today I Visited Montgomery And Tuskegee Alabama And Learned So Much About The Tuskegee Airmen And About Tuskegee University. I Liked This Trip Had Fun And I Wish To Have Many More With You All. -Shakemia J.

2012 was the first time I came to New Orleans with my oldest son Javon. Now to come with my youngest son... is a gift I can never repay.  Reflecting on both experiences, the similarities and differences, one thing is constant. The fact that these trips offer an incomparable experience.  Each year has a new journey and new lesson.  Reconnecting with friends that have become family makes this trip even more amazing. I have been telling Dr Mike for years that I need to keep coming. First I came with Javon from 2012-2017, Jordan from 2017-2018 and now with Jamil. These trips teach them valuable lessons of giving back, meeting new people and learning how to travel. I am forever grateful. -TeShania B.

I really enjoyed this trip, it opened my mind to new perspectives and deepened my insights into older ones. On the trip I was able to get firsthand experience with New Orleans and get a feel and sense of what some of the residents’ lives are like. I enjoyed the community service projects and getting to know the people that I care with and I intend on coming to another one later. -Daryl C.

The Last Day is usually the saddest. While on our journey to home we were able to visit one of my favorite HBCUs, Tuskegee University. While at Tuskegee i was able to learn about why Booker T Washington founded Tuskegee and the Tuskegee Study that happened at the University. I was amazed to learn that while doing to the Tuskegee Study that the men who were at art of it were promised something, received it. Before we went to Tuskegee we took a stop at the Rosa Park Library. Although we weren’t able to go in I do feel like i learned a lot that’ll impact my future in a positive way when reading the land markers. Overall, I was greatly satisfied with this whole experience and truly thank Dr. Weaver for all that he does to keep these service trips alive and going. -Roderick T.

I felt inspired when I saw the Tuskegee university and the statue of George Washington Carver. I like to learn about Martin Luther King jr and see statues. I feel  super inspired. -Jamil B.

As we travel back to Atlanta, from a very educational weekend and stay in New Orleans, I can say my ride was very inspiring. From the historical facts behind Hurricane Katrina and the impact it left amongst the communities, I humble myself in deep respect for those who experienced this devastation. Visiting Alabama gave value to my culture being. Knowing that people very similar to me, were the start of what is now a wonderful place of study for our future leaders also inspired me. It makes me wish that I had instead ventured off to prestigious institutions to expand my education. Overall, this weekend has given me lots of perspectives relating to history and education - a very great push to continue pushing myself as well as my children and the children of our communities. -Tia J.

Today’s activities have been a reminder of things that I learned about during childhood, but don’t think about often, such as Rosa Parks’s role in black history, and the impact of George Washington Carver and Booker T. Washington, the importance of Tuskegee university and Tuskegee Airmen.  Seeing it through the teenagers’ view reinforced to me that we, as parents and as a race, have to keep our history alive and relevant for the future generations. As I reflect on this weekend, the learning, the friendships made, and the activities, I am a little sad to see it come to a close. This weekend exceeded my expectations. I feel a sense of pride as I look at the pictures of Mrs. Gloria’s garden and the Magellan gardens. I feel a sense of peace to know that Katrina survivors are continuing to rebuild their lives despite governmental barriers. I feel more pride seeing Tuskegee, and remembering what it stood for when it started and for this present time. I am excited to become a part of the volunteer activities over the next year that will lead to the next see and serve opportunity. -Miriam C.

Perspectives from Second Experience, July 26-28th…

Today I appreciated our experience in Tuskegee. Not only did we get to see the campus of an HBCU that I wasn’t aware Booker T. Washington was responsible for building, but I was also not aware those bricks that have been standing for so many years were locally manufactured, which represents the power in Tuskegee at the time. That same power laid in Moton Field where we were able to see where the Tuskegee airmen were trained. I was also grateful for the clarification we received from Dr. Mike for the difference between the Tuskegee experiment and the Tuskegee study, which I hear get confused even in my adulthood. What today and this weekend in it’s entirety did for me is serve as inspiration. It reinvigorated me in my want to learn my own cultural history, to participate in service on a regular basis that affects my community and our youth, and to stand in my own power as my ancestors so valiantly have and do whatever work I am led to do to the best of my ability and knowing that I will accomplish leaps and bounds with that will, as well as with the support of my community as they’ve supported us this weekend to experience what we’ve been blessed to experience. I was disappointed I wasn’t able to attend the past few years of service trips with Dr. Mike and the group but in the following years I will absolutely be making it a point to go out of my way and be apart. This work is more than important and I want to remain involved. Thank you to Dr. Mike, Mark and all our benefactors for making this happen for us and our youth, I couldn’t be more grateful! -Caris A.

This weekend was the greatest I've had in a long time. I met new people and got to visit a new city. Seeing New Orleans was like a dream come true and being able to see the French Quarter and lower ninth was really cool. I spent way too much money but the food was good so it wasn't a total loss. Getting to try New Orleans food was exciting and I'm going to try to recreate some things at home. I've never done anything like this trip before and it's given me a new kind of clarity for my future. I want to be able to take trips like this all the time whenever I want with whoever I want which means that I'll have to work for that so I can. I'm crazy tired now at the end but I feel great. -Essence H.

This weekend in New Orleans was fun. I got to see how the people are in the day and in the night also how they celebrate everything you could possibly think of. One thing about the New Orleans people is that they have pride of their parish and have pride in themselves. They truly love where they are and wouldn’t leave for anything and if they did leave they are most likely going to come back. During the time that I was there was a different atmosphere, other than the humidity there was a loving feel and nobody cared about what you did as long as you were happy. I learned a lot of stuff that I didn’t know and it’s good to learn. One thing that I noticed about New Orleans is that it’s a combination of a city and an industrial place. Wherever you go there is a bridge even in the city part and I’ve never seen anything like it. -Jordan B.

I had a great time this weekend. This weekend been a long learning journey and I learned from the culture and the background of New Orleans and hurricane Katrina. Then the tours of the colleges and museums was also a good learning experience. And bonding with the new and old students on this weekend. -Iterrius J.

In these 72 hours, I learned a lot and experienced more than I can imagine. New Orleans showed strength, culture, and unity which I think touched us all. I’m so glad Dr. Weaver decided to do another tour to NOLA this year. I’m honored to once again volunteer and give my efforts to Magellan Gardens. 

I realize how important it is for myself & others to travel the world learn our history ourselves. And to have an open mind through it all. I plan to return to New Orleans to explore more hidden gems the city has to offer. I’m humbled by this opportunity and can’t wait to share my experience with family, friends, and colleagues. -Shauna J.

This weekend was something special. I got to connect with people that I would not have met under normal circumstances and I got to see things that I would not see on a normal trip to any of the cities we visited this weekend.

New Orleans was a great experience. To see a city that was totally destroyed as evidenced by a Six Flags that still hasn’t been rebuilt and how far it has come. A city that had so much loss as evidenced by Mr. Green who lost his mother and granddaughter still have so much pride. I feel hard pressed to think of any other city that I have been to like that. New Orleans is somewhere that I definitely want to return to. Maybe not Burboun street (too much for my blood) but most definitely I want to return to the garden where we volunteered to see what it produces during other times of the year.

Tuskegee was a humbling experience. I never went to an HBCU and to be honest I had no clue that it was built by a black man. I’ve heard of Booker T Washington but before today I couldn’t have told you what he did or who he was. Seeing the actual airfield of the Tuskegee airman was cool. After seeing the movie Red Tails it was nice to be able to see the actual field and make the movie feel a little more real. 

I’ve been to Atlanta more times than I can count and have never been to Morehouse. It was today that made me realize that most HBCUs are not open campuses like the PWI that I attended. I knew there were differences in the schools but I’m not sure how that difference makes me feel. On one hand I feel like the school cares enough to protect their students and if we’re being honest it’s very rare that we hear of a shooting on a predominantly black campus. On the other hand it makes me wonder if it has more to do with the fences around the campus to keep people in.

All in all I enjoyed this trip and hope to be invited on another trip in the years to come. -Aleeka M.

This expedition to New Orleans was very eye opening. I honestly wish I had made this trip sooner. I loved the scenery in New Orleans, especially the natural spaces. The wetlands were beautiful despite all that has been stripped of their natural scenery, what is left is still a site to see. I really really loved seeing the dragonflies this weekend. I believe all living beings serve a purpose. All organisms have a spirit and if we look close enough at them and deep enough into ourselves we can feel that spirit within us. I recently found that dragonflies were one of my spirit animals. In New Orleans, I was able to be surrounded by dragonflies and their beautiful energy. Dragonflies represent change, transformation, adaptability, and self realization.

For quite a while, I was so afraid of change  especially in my youth. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered that change is inevitable. The best thing i can do for myself is be accepting of life and all the changes that come with it. New Orleans is a great testimony to adapting to change and undergoing transformation. Amongst the dragonflies and the spirit of New Orleans i has many self realizations and even realizations about the world. One of those realizations being that just like the people of New Orleans I can get through anything. Even if I lose every material thing I have as long as I have breath in my body and will in my heart I can pick myself up and rebuild or earn it all back. Change will happen regardless of whether I want it to or not, and when I resist these changes I make life harder on myself. I always try to remind myself to let go of all that does not serve me. However, that’s so much easier said than done. This trip has really shown me that it is actually quite easy to do when you have no choice. Choice is also a hot topic for me, I feel as though we all have choices about everything. We all have free will, we create our down destinies. You can manifest anything you want but you can also manifest the things you fear it’s about what you focus on.

After Katrina, the people of New Orleans had a choice to flee and never look back or face their losses head on. Of course they wept, that’s a necessary stage of the grieving process. They experienced anger and denial and regret and everything else. However, when the rain and the tears dried up they got up and handled their business. Even long before Katrina, during slavery times the black people in Nola chose to focus on the positive and build as much as they could for themselves and their community. This trip has inspired me to do the same. Dr. Weaver helped to confirm what I already knew, which was my worth and existence as a divine being. I already know my purpose and my power, I speak on it quite often. However, Dr. Weaver also helped me to realize it goes far beyond knowing or talking the talk. I have to walk in my purpose I have to act as the goddess I claim to be. I can no longer settle for the bare minimum. I can no longer know my power and not exercise it. How dare I be mediocre when royalty and divinity are right here in my DNA flowing through my veins? How dare I let my ancestors blood, sweat, and tears be in vain as I live a meager existence? How dare I not live up to my potential? When it’s all said and done I don’t want to look back on my life and wished I had done more, seen more, lived more, and been greater. This trip has inspired me to see all that I can while I can, go everywhere I can while I can, talk to connect with everyone I can while I can, and just really enjoy life and live intentionally.

Another eye opening aspect of this trip were the college tours. I attended Howard University and I wasn’t very fond of my experience there. I never felt at peace there, quite frankly there was always too much commotion going on for me to even listen to my intuition. I went there without touring there or any other colleges other than those in the AUC. I knew I wanted the HBCU experience and to be surrounded by fellow black excellence. However, I didn’t put a whole bunch of consideration into how different the experience could be depending on what institution I attended. I chose Howard because it was known to be the #1 HBCU in the country and I went in studying Political Science which was one of their strongest areas. Unfortunately, upon my arrival I found that Howard wasn’t the place for me. I really wish I had toured other HBCUs before I blindly decided on Howard. I love nature and I do my best to stay connected to the Earth around me. Howard lacked the nature aspect I loved so much being in such a busy and bustling city like Washington, D.C. If I would’ve explored my options before I decided to go to Howard my life path would’ve turned out very differently. I don’t regret any of my decisions but I can acknowledge that there were other options that held great potential had I ever considered them. That was a lesson to me to never rush such big decisions or pick based on popular opinion. I really loved the Tuskegee campus, I felt at peace there. I would’ve loved to have a college experience in such a beautiful and calming place. Nonetheless, I am grateful to have seen Tuskegee when I did and of course it’s never too late to further my education at a more fitting university for me.

In conclusion, this voyage to New Orleans has taught me so much about myself, my history, my options for education, and the world around me. I am so thankful to have had this opportunity and I will continue to reflect on all that I learned in the days to come. All that I learned on this adventure will remain with me forever. I have gained so much more knowledge since this journey began on Thursday night and I feel quite powerful. I would like to end this by saying a big thank you to Dr. Weaver and all the donors who helped make this possible. What you all are doing for the youth (black youth specifically) is such a blessing whether we realize it at the moment or not. Not many people care enough about us to present such opportunities of great and affordable travel to us. Also, a lot of people don’t realize how important it is to instill service and humane acts into young people. Volunteer experience goes a long way not just on applications and resumes but in character building and helping us to be more loving and culture. So once again, thank you so much to Dr. Mike Weaver, Mark Gibson, Meeka, and everyone else who made this possible. -Jzada J.

[notoriousnewnew]

Talking to myself At this point, she's given up on relationships. Maybe not forever, but for awhile. She's been trying to find love for so long, but what she actually found was she wasn't ready for love and she doesn't know when she will be ready again. It's not that she's scared of commitment, she's just scared of wasting more time being loyal to someone who isn't worth it. It's not that she's afraid of trust, she's just afraid of investing herself in someone who can't be honest with her. It's not that she's frightened of attachment, she's just frightened of getting so close to someone that she won't be able to leave if she needs to. While she's been hurt by a lot of people, she knows it's also her fault for not being able to be alone, it's her fault for catching feelings so easily, and it's her fault for not properly giving herself time to process everything she's been thru. She just figured it's time to give her heart a break. She would rather be single and lonely than to be miserable with someone who's supposed to make her happy. She would rather wait until something real comes along than to get back with someone who always makes her feel like something's wrong with her. She would rather find herself in the meantime than to find herself in another mistake. So if you're a guy who wants to be with her right now, sorry but she's closed off. She'd rather be heartless than heartbroken. You gotta understand the difference between a man who speaks to you on his free time and a man who frees his time to speak to you. You gotta understand the difference between a man who spends his time with you when he's not too busy and a man who's never too busy to spend time with you. You gotta understand the difference between a man who wants to see you because he misses you and a man who misses you enough to go actually see you. You gotta understand the difference between a man who tries to make an effort and a man who makes an effort to try. You gotta understand the difference between a man who talks to a lot of girls including you and a man who only talks to you instead of a lot of girls. You gotta understand the difference between a man who gets mad because you ask for too much and a man who gets mad because he wishes he can give you more. You gotta understand the difference between a man who loves to hurt you and a man who gets hurt because he loves you. And once you understand the difference, you'll know if you're with the right guy or not. A girl can only be mistreated for so long until she's finally had enough. Sure, if a girl loves you, she'll tolerate your bullshit because she cares about you but even a girl in love has a limit to how much she can take. Sure, if a girl loves you, she wouldn't give up on you no matter how bad it is but there's a difference between giving up and not being able to take it anymore. Sure, if a girl loves you, she'll forgive you for your mistakes no matter how many times you make the same time but eventually, a girl runs out of chances to give. Sure, if a girl loves you, she would want to work things out with you to fix things instead of leaving you and cutting off all ties between you two but once a girl's been treated like shit long enough, she begins to accept what she didn't want to in the first place; that you aren't good for her and maybe it really would be best if she leaves because you truly don't deserve her. ( Gabriel You know that I love you right? you can feel it right? I just want to make sure that you do, I hope it's obvious. I want to make you happy like always literally always. I'm so proud of you, with the things you can do, with the achievements, your humbleness, the genuine passion you have for your profession, I hope I won't mess it, I'll endure everything just for me not to mess anything about your image. I want to be there when you're sad, I want you to know that you're not alone, that I am here though sometimes I am away, but as much as possible I want you to feel that I am here for you, maybe not physically, but I swear you can always count on me. I can be your best friend when you need one, I'll be your crying shoulders when everything feels like too much. I'll hug you when you're feeling down. and at the end of each day, I'll do my best to turn things around from tears to laughter, from frown to smile and giggles. I love you and I always will. one thing I realized now, it's easier to show love to someone who appreciates the things that you do even the little efforts that you make, it's easier to break walls when you know that someone you love needs you because they love you as much as you do, or maybe even more than you do. and even when things get tough, I will still choose to love you. It is so fascinating how love can bring out the sweetest kid inside of person inside of me. I love you and I'm so happy that I met you, that you liked me, that you find me cool, if it wasn't because of that we won't start talking with each other. I'm so happy that I felt that spark. I'm so happy that I found the courage to fall in love, to be in a relationship again, to take risk. I'm so happy to have you in my life, and this happiness is one of the reasons why I want to keep you forever. I love you dearest.) You're lucky she still even cares. Most girls would have been like "Fuck this, I don't deserve this, I could do so much better, I don't have time for this, I'm done, I need to move on" and left you a long time ago. But nope, not her. Why? Because she's able to look past all of your flaws and faults and see the good in you. Because she's able to forgive you, drop everything, and move forward. Because she's able to not let the bad outweigh the good and remain positive for the relationship. You have no idea how much strength it takes for a girl to do those things for a guy, but you would be surprised. You would be surprised how many times a girl would have to put her own pride aside just so she can let things go. You would be surprised how many times a girl would have to bite her tongue just so she say something that would hurt your feelings. You would be surprised how many times her heart would be broken and yet, she still finds it in herself to look you in the eye and say "I love you, babe. Be happy you got your heart broken. That means you're the one who truly cared. That means you're the one who really tried. That means you're the one who deeply loved. It shows you that you're capable of caring about someone. It shows you that you're willing to open up and be vulnerable with someone. It shows you that you're strong enough to drop your pride for someone. To have your heart broken is to have proven that your intentions were genuine, your feelings were real, and your efforts were made. Having your heart broken can be the worst feeling, but it can also be the most gratifying feeling because your heart never comes back together the same way. When the time comes when it's ready to come back together, it comes back better than it was before because now it knows it deserves better and it's been reminded of its worth and how it's supposed to be valued. Don't let having your heart broken make you bitter when it's meant to help you grow and find yourself again. There are some people out there who can't even have their hearts broken because not only are they unable to love someone else, they're also unable to love themselves and will settle for something temporary and meaningless to be happy to an extent. Only the heartbroken can love, so be thankful that you know how to. You're the one who hurt her, and you're acting like she hurt you. You're the one who lied to her, and you're blaming her for her trust issues. You're the one who talks to other girls behind her back, and you're getting mad when she talks to her guy friends. You're the one who doesn't give her enough attention, and you're getting upset when she doesn't text you back fast enough. You're the one who doesn't make any time for her, and you trippin' when things get busy for her. You're the one who's always making mistakes, and you're saying she loves to pick fights with you. You're the one who doesn't understand her, and you're making her feel like she's crazy for feeling the way she does. You're the one who mistreats her, and you're playing the victim claiming she isn't good to you. You're the one who makes her miserable, and you're making it seem like you're unhappy because of her. You're the one who doesn't put any effort in, and you're coming off like she isn't trying her hardest. You're the one who doesn't love her, and you believe that she's the one who doesn't care. Forgive him. I know you hate him. I know you despise him. I know you can't stand the sight of him. I even know seeing his name makes you angry. Yes, you have every right to feel that towards him. He hurt you over and over, even when you've given him chance after chance. You could even say you're entitled to feel so much hatred towards him and nobody would blame you. But just think about it; what has hating him done for you? Sure, it's kept you more guarded against people. Sure, it's made you more aware of peoples' bad intentions with you. Sure, it's caused you to not trust anybody and therefore, not leaving yourself vulnerable for anybody. But hating him has also caused you to push people away. Hating him has also stopped you from being able to see potential in people who actually want to be with you. Hating him has caused you to be bitter, which led to you emotionally shutting yourself down, which led to you not caring if you hurt people in the process or not, which led to you being unable to love anyone, including yourself. Do you really want to feel this way forever? Are you sure you want to carry this with you for the rest of your life? Would you actually be willing to make the next guy pay for the last guys' mistakes? That wouldn't be fair to him or for you because how could you ever find happiness when you're the one preventing yourself from finding it? Deep down, I know you miss being loved and you even miss loving someone. Deep down, I know you're afraid to give as much of yourself to someone as you did to the last guy again. Deep down, I know you're even having trouble putting the wall you've put up down. But, you just have to let it go. Not just him, but that part of your life. I know that relationship with him took a huge toll on you and it's left you damaged, but it isn't too late for you to put yourself back together and there's also nothing wrong with having someone help you. You just have to start by forgiving him because that is the only way you'll ever move on to the next chapter of your life. Come back to being happy again because we all miss that girl. One day, if she ever does actually give up on you, just know that it took everything in her to do that. She's the type of girl who would give you endless chances, try to trust you even after it's been broken time and time again, always have your back even when you're wrong, and accept you for who you truly are even with your many flaws. She's the type of girl who would be there for you when everyone else thinks you're hopeless, be there for you when the rest of the world turns their back on you, and be there for you even when she shouldn't be. She's the type of girl who would fight for you when you don't deserve to be fought for, hold on to you when she should've let you go a long time ago, and love you when she has every reason to hate you. So if she finally reaches that point where she gives up on you, just realize how much it took for her to get to that point and how hard she had to push herself to be strong enough to give up on you because when a girl loves you, giving up is never an option, but at the same time, a girl can only allow herself to get hurt so many times until she's had enough. Her brain tells her 'Leave him. He isn't good for you. Why are you still here? He isn't going to change. You guys argue too much. You did everything you could to make him happy. You're not the wrong one here. It isn't the same as it used to be. You deserve better than this. You deserve to be happy. You can't let him hurt you anymore. Be strong. Leave.' But, her heart tells her 'We've been through too much to give up now. I'm too attached. We have too much history. I know I should leave, but I can't. I won't allow myself too. I love him too much now. Yeah, it's different now, but maybe if he sees me being good to him, he'll start being the way he was before again. & we can bring back the good times. I can't imagine him with another girl, it hurts to even think about it. I don't want to be with any other guy but him. Guess I'm stuck with him.' Honestly, girls get judged in a bad way for every little thing they do. Like if a girl wants to get high, let her be. You don't think girls that smoke are attractive? They're not smoking to look cute for you, they do it to relief stress and take their mind off of things. If a girl wants to drink, let her be. You don't like it when girls get sloppy when they're drunk? They're not drinking to be conservative for you, they do it to let loose and put themselves in a good mood. You don't like it when girls put on too much make up? They're not putting on make up to please you, they do it to deal with their insecurities and just to have fun. It's her life, her choices, whether you think it's right or wrong, let her learn on her own and stop when she wants to. You can't hurt a girl who's already damaged. So if a guy were to fuck her over, there's no need for her to cry. There's no need for her to be disappointed. There's no need for her to feel heartbroken because it's gotten so bad to the point where getting fucked up over becomes an expectation. She used to be able to tolerate mistakes but now, if a guy will talk to another girl or get caught in a lie, she'll cut you off and you'll never hear from her again. Because now there's no room for mistakes and she ain't got time for games. You either be real or be gone. Just be honest with her, cause the worst thing you can do is lie to her. Even if it'll hurt her, tell the truth about everything. There's no such thing as being 'too honest', because the truth might hurt, but a lie would hurt way more. I know you might feel the need to lie so she won't get hurt, but don't. All she can really ask from you is to be straight up & real with her. If you're talking to another girl, okay, she'll get a little jealous, but she'll get over it. If you're talking to your ex, okay, she'll be a little uncomfortable with it, but she'll brush it off. If you're chillin' with other girls, okay, she'll be a little upset, but she won't be mad at you forever. If you caught feelings for another girl, okay, she'll cry for a little, but she'll learn to accept it. At least she'll respect you for being man enough to tell her, but if you're gonna lie about any of these things, eventually, she'll find out, & there goes her respect, her trust, maybe even her love. Lie to a girl once and she'll start to think everything else you've ever told her was a lie. She'll start to not be able to see the difference between what's true and not. She'll start to question from now on if you're being sincere with her or you're just being a bullshit. She'll start to doubt anything you say to her unless you can convince her or prove to her that it's the truth because if you can't, she simply won't believe. Oh and don't tell her, 'I lied because I didn't want to hurt you', because you lied just to save your own ass from getting in trouble. See, when you break a girl's heart, she'll still be able to love you but when you break a girl's trust, that's gone forever. After a girl gets out of a toxic relationship, she's single for a long time. At first, it's lonely. In the beginning, it's hard. For a little awhile, it even hurts. But after a certain amount of time, she embraces being single and finds it empowering knowing that she doesn't need a man to be happy. But once a girl gets comfortable with being single, it's hard for her to be mentally attracted to anyone. Once a girl gets familiar with being on her own, it's hard for her to be emotionally connected to anyone. Once a girl gets used to taking caring of herself, it's hard for her to be dependent on anyone. The reason behind that is, she's not trying to go back to that dark place she was in before, she's not trying to waste her time on a guy who's gonna turn out to be undeserving, and she's not trying to end up with the wrong one. She's spent a lot of time detoxifying herself and finding herself again and the last thing she needs is for another toxic guy to come along and cause her to lose herself again. So yeah, it may require extra attention, it may require extra effort, and it may require extra time but if you somehow manage to get her to not want to be single anymore, then you're gonna get a girl who's whole again, who's secure enough, and who's ready to love and be loved again. She can get over being mad at you, but she'll remain disappointed to herself. She can get over you talking to another girl, but she'll remain jealous to herself. She can get over arguing with you, but she'll remain stubborn to herself. She can get over finding something out that's bad about you, but she'll remain curious to herself. She can get over waiting a long time for you, but she'll remain impatient to herself. She can get over not talking to you, but she'll remain clingy to herself. She can get over you not seeing you, but she'll remain lonely to herself. She can get over you, but she'll remain heart broken to herself. Some girls are just really good at holding on to things, so just because she's smiling, doesn't exactly mean she's happy. If you treat your girl wrong, who else is she gonna turn to? The nearest and closest guy friend she has. He'll make her laugh since you made her cry, he'll give her comfort since you made her feel lonely, he'll pay attention to her since you ignore her, he'll tell her she's beautiful since you made her feel ugly. What do you think is gonna happen next? He's gonna tell her she deserves better and you know what? She's going to start believing it. A girl can only take so much and wait around so long for things to get better, but if they don't, she'll eventually feel like it isn't worth trying anymore and guess who she's gonna start talking to after she figures out she's done with you? The same guy friend who's doing all the things you're no longer doing for her. No, he's not busy. No, his phone didn't die. No, he didn't forget to text you back. No, it's not that he hasn't been on his phone. No, it's not that he doesn't have service. If you're not hearing from him, that's because he has nothing to say to you. If you're not hearing from him, that's because he isn't thinking about you. If you're not hearing from him, that's because he doesn't miss you. No, it's not because he "sucks at texting back" and it's not because he doesn't call you back in 5 minutes like he says he would, but it's simply because he doesn't want to. No, it's not because he isn't receiving your texts and tells you "I never got it" when it clearly says "Delivered" right after you pressed send, but it's simply because he purposely ignores your messages and leaves you on Read or Seen. If he's not talking to you but he's able to be active on social media, that should be enough to show you that he doesn't prioritize you the way you prioritize him. Stop trying to convince yourself that you'll eventually hear from him. Stop trying to make yourself believe that there's a good reason as to why he isn't talking to you. Stop trying to force yourself to wait until he decides to make time for you. If he can't even do the little things like say good morning, ask you how your day is going, tell you about his day, and say good night to you so that you don't go to bed feeling unimportant, you need to let him go because what you deserve is consistency. He hurt you once, he'll do it again. You're denying it but he will. He disrespected you once, or cheated on you, and he'll do it again. Stop denying it. You deserve to be treated like a princess but here you are letting him take you for granted. You're gonna tell me he apologized and sounded so sweet and sincere. However, we always said actions speak louder than words and now you're thinking the other way around. Because you want everything to be better than it is, you don't want to believe he's been acting like an asshole. You don't want to accept the fact that he has power and that he is going to hurt you again. You're not his doll he can't come back whenever he wants just because he knows the door will always open. You want to believe he cares about you as much as you do. But it's not true. Don't let him do it again. Don't let him hurt you. Don't let him apologize, tell you a few words cause he'll do the same thing again. Or maybe even worse. They're so good at this so be better. You deserve someone who knows your worth and he probably doesn't. If he was capable of hurting you once you should know by now that he is not worth it at all. Second chances shouldn't be given to people who don't respect others. Don't be a fool. You are scared; you don't know how life is going to be when you leave him. It is going to be hard the first two weeks, or months just like when you quit smoking. Habits are hard to quit. He was yours. But then it gets easier. It gets better. It always does, doesn't it? You'll crave him just like you crave cigarettes the first few days but then you just get used to it. Everything gets better with time. Don't let him fool you. Don't let him do it again. Close the damn door.

AngeliqueOrtizM199911

[sinnohqueen]

hap in the ass

hello it is going to be 2017 soon (in my time zone anyway) and i wanted to be gay and reflect on this past year below under the cut

2016 has been an absolute garbage hell year for me. I’ve had to see my parents worsen with their medical conditions, mostly my mom who’s having a harder time getting around and doing the things she used to. It’s been really depressing to be around, and honestly I haven’t really been the best daughter I could have been. The past few months I’ve been trying to better myself though, and I hope I can keep it up in 2017 because I really do want to give back to my family after all they’ve done for me throughout the years.

I’ve lost a lot of friends this year too. I cut out a lot of toxic people from my life. And unfortunately it’s left me with like no friends irl but shrugging emoji what are you gonna do. It sucks, but I’m less stressed and more at peace with my mental health. Still not at 100% but we are getting there. 8D;;

My family and I have gotten closer than ever though. As some of you know, last year I went through a really bad, unhealthy relationship. And during that relationship I pushed my family away, I was arguing with them every day, and I was just treating them like garbage. I think it’s safe to say that I’ve learned from my mistakes? Idk I feel like I have. And I think I’ve repaired my relationships with my parents and we’re closer than ever. I still feel guilty a lot over things that I did and said, and pushing my mom to the breaking point, but. She forgives me. Even though I really don’t deserve it. And I’m so appreciative of that, and I love her so much, and without her I really wouldn’t be here tbh.

As much as I love my family though that’s enough about them because they don’t follow me on here and thank god because my blog is WAAAAAY too gay for that #bye

I wanna take the time to be really sappy over friends and thank them for everything so here we go in no particular order (except the best is saved for last bcus ily)

@prince-primarina Azeem: We only met this year thru Ethu but I’m so glad I got to know you. We’ve gotten really close and I’m still crying over that one time you called me and Am your best friends because!!!! I do consider you my best friend too, you are the sweetest, nicest fish friend I could ask for. You’re so talented and wonderful. I know you’re going through a lot of shit rn, and fuck if I could go up there and kick everyone’s ass for you, I would in a heartbeat. I’m really hoping 2017 is much kinder and gentler to you, you deserve it.

@darmanitan Ethi: I think it was last year that we met (or started talking? idk I’m sorry my memory is fuzzy) and I’m really glad we did. ;w; You’re so kind as well but you tell people how you feel and I admire that so much. You give the most honest, straightforward advice and tbh we find ourselves in a lot of situations where we’re like “oh shit we should ask Ethi, he’ll know what to do/tell us.” Next year you’re gonna kick more ass in nursing school (which!!! btw I could not be more proud of you for getting through this year, bless) and it’s gonna be GREAT.

@castaform Kai: MY SON, MY CINNAMON ROLL, MY PERFECT OFFSPRING. I love you so much and we’ve known each other for like? 2 or 3 years now? Shit it might be more. You are THE CUTEST and tiniest (well not really, you’re actually taller than me, rip) and best son I could ask for. I hate that we live so far away because I know we’d hang out every day if we could. You’re gonna be comin’ to America some day!!!! >:0 I’m determined to get you here. You’re always so kind to me though and I couldn’t be more thankful, whenever I’m down you let me know you’re here to talk and ily so much ;u;

@pokemon-i-choose-you Vee: I met you just this year as well but I’m so glad we met and you joined our skype squad!!! You’re the fuckin coolest person to talk to and you’re always so full of energy and fun to be around. And of course your Youtube vids and DEFINITELY YOUR TWITCH STREAMS are lit af and I love them so much. Life is Strange broke my heart so much even though it was my second time around with it. And of course I can’t wait for more streams next year <3 I hope 2017 is a better year for you too of course and cool shit happens and none of the bad stuff!!!

@mega-lizardon-x Jack: PURE CINNAMON ROLL AND FELLOW CYNTHIA LOVER HELLO, despite what you think you’re really handsome and genuinely kind and sweet and any girl who doesn’t think so is gonna get their ass whooped from me tbh. Also you’ve got A++ taste in video games and when I get hella cash dolla I can’t wait to get those games you rec’d me so we can play together!!! 2017 is gonna be great for you and I still firmly believe you’re gonna find someone rlly cute and nice who’s into Pokemon as well (cus obviously people who aren’t into Pokemon are lame, bye) and you’re gonna have a wonderful year!!

@magyrva Jenna: I’m so glad we started talking again this year bcus I missed you a lot ;w; You’re such a Cool Gal(tm) and I love that when you get into stuff you get Super Into It because it’s adorable and also you get to be a treasure trove of knowledge about that thing and it’s great!!! I wanna be like that one day. :D Also your art is so inspiring and I love it so much, I’m so glad you made an art twitter so whenever you post I can RT it and be like yes!!!! That is my friend!!! Friend art!!!! And I can’t wait to see you improve even more!!!!

@photoshinjisis Emily: WHERE DO I START...... You are such a wonderful friend and I’m so glad we exchanged numbers and started talking even more. You’re my YOI and Haikyuu buddy and I love geeking out over stuff with you, AND I AM STILL WORKING ON CATCHING UP WITH TG DON’T WORRY!!!! You have the best AUs and headcanons and I love talking with you about all of that, and we can still talk about Real Stuff(tm) and you’re always there for me and ilysm and I swear I’m comin up to NJ one day

Last but not least of course ;o

@r0wlets Am: IT’S BEEN EIGHT (thousand) YEARS...... I can’t even put into words how thankful I am for you. You’re my best friend and I’m so glad we met over my dumb fanfic on ff.n so many years ago (that. that was it right. fuck). Also. I. Am glad for. Christmas Eve. ;u; Me hoy minoy

You’re always there if I need to talk or anything and you get what I’m going thru and shit and. IM BAD WITH WORDS BUT I JUST APPRECIATE EVERYTHING, you are da bes and I’m so happy we stayed in contact all these years. You’re so great and wonderful and ilysm I’m sorry I’m bad with words and AAAAAAAAA

okay!!! happy 2017 everyone, I hope it all goes well for you and fuck 2016 it will not be missed. also if I didn’t include you I’m so sorry, I wanted to @ ppl I talk to on the regular and people I’ve gotten really close with over 2016 and I really love u all, thank you all so much for helping make this year a bit better. LATER

[redthreadtugs-blog]

Not being rescued

K: I am feeling good about my erotic writing installment. I got over the hump. 

J: I am glad.

K: Managed myself.  I feel really proud of myself.  I did not get hung up.  Thank you for letting me figure it out.

J: That makes me smile. You are most welcome. You are amazing. Your heart and courage ..... Just impressive as hell.

K: thank you darling. I am proud of you too. I like to see these things as opportunities to just move another notch further... to put another bit behind me.

J: I can well understand that. **pulling you into my lap** I had been worried that my last writing was going to mess up the story. **taking your face in my hands and looking in your eyes** You're ok then? Truly?

K: **looking back into your dark serious eyes steadily** There is no way that a little bit like that could mess up the whole story. Yes. I am okay.  More than okay.  Truly.

J: Okay. I won’t stress on it then.

K: **snuggling deeper into your arms** I just had to tell you what was tripping me up so you knew that I was having a bit of a struggle.  And that... it is probably not a good idea to repeat that.  But... no.  please do not stress on it.  We are a team.  I just was not gonna hide from you what I was feeling.

J: And I thank you for that. I need to know these things. We write this story and do other things and I am responsible to know where you are.

K: Yes.  Exactly.  And I am responsible to tell you. So you know. It’s the deal.  I love you darling. And it is important that you believe me when I tell you that I am okay. 

J: Yes luv, exactly. And I do.

K: When I realized you had introduced a troublesome element into our story, I knew immediately that I needed to tell you.. but I did not want you to feel badly.

J: I know.

K: ‘Cause I was not mad or upset.  Just thrown for a bit of a loop.

J: Kezziah luv? I love you. I wouldn't want anything like that to be a sore spot. I trust you when you say it isn't. I had felt some anxiety about it - however, I also respect your strength and mental agility. I do. I know, that were it not ok, I trust you would say so. I have to believe that. That is fundamental to our trust.

K: We really look out for each other.

J: Yes we do.

K: Here is the thing.  listen....I thought about this for awhile...I thought about maybe having you change your last bit of the story.... about having it be different. And I really really appreciate that you offered to do so.  I have to tell you that meant a ton to me.  That you offered that without me even asking.

J: It was the first thing that occurred to me.

K: I know it is just a story, and it seemed the easiest solution on some level. 

J: How could I not?

K: But... I turned it over and over in my head.  I knew that YOU and this story has absolutely nothing to do with my history.  With the thing that was triggering me. And so... I just needed to breath through it.

J: There's a lot of positions I want you in. That kind of distress is not one of them. I will not knowingly ever push those buttons.

K: I know darling.  I just needed to read it again and again and again... until I felt it in the right way.  Until I was in the story and NOT in my history. That was a good thing for me to have to do.  To be able to do.  To have the discipline to be able to do. To know that I can have more and more control of myself with my triggers.

J: **Holding you hug you tight, stroking your hair, caressing your cheek**

K:  Jameson -  I love you.

J: You are amazing darling.

K: I knew you didn't mean to cause me any distress.  ‘Cause you never ever would. You are so careful with me. Which is part of why I just had to... wanted to... just breathe my way through it... hold myself against you and move through it.

J: **Smiles and kisses** 

K: It just meant that it was not effortless like writing often is in these installments. I had to be more careful in thinking. I had to face stuff. And then work it backwards.

J: Yes luv. We seem to do these kinds of things every now and then with each other.

K: Yes. We do.  But darling... it is because we are human and we are firmly middle aged and we have complicated histories and triggers and sometimes we run up against them.

J: Indeed.

K: And neither one of us is willing to just stuff everything and ignore it. So that means we have to be real about it.

J: And we are.

K: Sometimes... we run over tacks in the road. It happens. And communicate as best as we may.

J: Yes we do.

K: Without blame and in love and you have so much courage too.  You always impress the hell out of me.

J: I adore you darling.

K: and... you just make me feel so safe ALL the time.

I adore you. I just could not possibly do this stuff without the safety you give me.

J: That's important to me too, luv. It means a lot to me.

K: So I just lean into that.  That you love me.  That you are on my team.  That you are always gonna keep me safe.  That I can trust you with my heart.  With my pain.  With my fears.

J: I want that it should always be that way. You are my friend. My lover. Companion in many other ways. I don't ever want to see what we have be broken.

K: Me neither.

J: I feel very protective of it. I wish, in a way, I had not made that occurrence. Thank you for working through it.

K: Darling... these things... I don’t know.  They have a way of bringing us closer together.

J: Yes they do.

K: So.  I am not sorry.

J: Very well. **Deep breath**

K: I like how I feel more resilient as a result.  And that is good. Yes.  Deep breath. Love you baby.

J: I love you, darling.

K: Kisses all over you baby

J: The things that come up here and there with things we do, how we feel, separately and together, that we have the continuing desire to keep us good on so many levels is really amazing.

K: Yes it is. To me.... using these things to push us together... as growth opportunities... individually and together is what this is all about.

J: It’s heartening, enriching, beautiful on so many levels.

K: I do not want to shy away from that. I do not want to be afraid of it. ‘Cause I know you are gonna hold me... hold my hand.  Love me all the way through it. It gives me a lot of courage.

J: Makes me feel happy, humble, and have so much pleasure in our relationship. I have a lot of love to give.

K: **Grinnnns.** Yes, you do. And I feel it ALL the time darling. And I am greedy for your love.

J: **smiles** Well, you keep showing all the time that it is in a good place with you

K: We probably should have done this conversation earlier today, but I wasn't ready yet this afternoon.

J: Understandable. You are ready when you are ready.

K: Yup. I hadn't gotten far enough in the installment. I was pretty sure I knew what I was gonna do... but I had not gotten there yet. I had not quite gotten the words on the page.

J: **Smiles.  Hugging you tightly to me**

K: It is so interesting how all this writing... of all kinds... it is so (breaths deep) it is so therapeutic... it works on my brain in a way that no other kind of processing can do. And I think... being able to do writing that is me but not me ...it created this space that was/is really safe.

J: It is surprising that stuff comes up like this for you and me. And that we are so good together at sorting thru it.

K: You think it is surprising?  Really?

J: Maybe not so much surprising. Just how these things happen and that we strive to keep things sailing along, our desires and friendship pointing the way.

K: We are really really good at sorting through it.  I am... so impressed that you were able to just wait and see how I did... that you did not jump to rescue me from it. Even though I knew you were worried a bit.  And unhappy you had put me in a position you had not meant to.

J: **Smiles** Yes.. we seem to have good compasses with each other.  You know that thing, darling.....The non rescue thing?  That took me a long time to learn not to do. To give my partner space. But still be available. To trust that you would get where you needed to be to be okay, knowing you would reach out to me if you needed to.

K: It is part of why you are such a wonderful partner to me.

J: It’s really hard sometimes. But I learned that lesson well. Doesn't mean I don't care. It means I have tons of respect for your ability.

K: I need and want you to be a D to my s.  But also my equal.  And also know that I am tough and do not need rescuing.  Most men who have the D part... they are perpetual rescuers.  Do not know when to just stand back and allow their competent partner to be strong on their own. Supporting them.  Encouraging them.  Loving them through it.

J: I have seen that.

K: I knew that you would feel badly about having made that narrative choice... after I told you that it tripped me up.  But I knew I had to trust you... that you would be able to believe me when I told you not to fret over it.  This has taught us both something. The important thing is... I am now certain... without a shadow of a doubt... that I can tell you things like this and you won't get reactive. You won't rescue me unless I tell you I need help.

J: I love it that you are strong, capable, agile, with tons of character and spirit. It is some of what I find so attractive about you. I trust these things about you. And that you choose me as much as I choose you. That you feel good and safe enough with me to exercise your s with my D

K: But I know you are there to help me... if I do need rescuing.

J: **tipping your chin up to look in your hazel eyes** Kezziah, it can’t be only when you say you need help.

K: Umm. No. Of course not only when I say. That is not what I mean. Much of the time that’s how it is... but like in this case... you knew that I would ask for help if I needed it.

J:  I did. You asked for space. I gave it.

K: Yes. You were perfect. Sometimes... I need help before I realize it. And you help and protect me. And I definitely need and want that too. And sometimes the help I need is you just being present.

J: Yes. yes exactly. I believe we are on the same sheet of music, darling.

K: Yes we are.... I am so grateful.

J: I am too. It is a great goodness

K: My trust in you just keeps getting deepened.  And that is an amazing thing.

©redthreads

陪同

[notoriousnewnew]

Talking to myself

At this point, she's given up on relationships. Maybe not forever, but for awhile. She's been trying to find love for so long, but what she actually found was she wasn't ready for love and she doesn't know when she will be ready again. It's not that she's scared of commitment, she's just scared of wasting more time being loyal to someone who isn't worth it. It's not that she's afraid of trust, she's just afraid of investing herself in someone who can't be honest with her. It's not that she's frightened of attachment, she's just frightened of getting so close to someone that she won't be able to leave if she needs to. While she's been hurt by a lot of people, she knows it's also her fault for not being able to be alone, it's her fault for catching feelings so easily, and it's her fault for not properly giving herself time to process everything she's been thru. She just figured it's time to give her heart a break. She would rather be single and lonely than to be miserable with someone who's supposed to make her happy. She would rather wait until something real comes along than to get back with someone who always makes her feel like something's wrong with her. She would rather find herself in the meantime than to find herself in another mistake. So if you're a guy who wants to be with her right now, sorry but she's closed off. She'd rather be heartless than heartbroken. You gotta understand the difference between a man who speaks to you on his free time and a man who frees his time to speak to you. You gotta understand the difference between a man who spends his time with you when he's not too busy and a man who's never too busy to spend time with you. You gotta understand the difference between a man who wants to see you because he misses you and a man who misses you enough to go actually see you. You gotta understand the difference between a man who tries to make an effort and a man who makes an effort to try. You gotta understand the difference between a man who talks to a lot of girls including you and a man who only talks to you instead of a lot of girls. You gotta understand the difference between a man who gets mad because you ask for too much and a man who gets mad because he wishes he can give you more. You gotta understand the difference between a man who loves to hurt you and a man who gets hurt because he loves you. And once you understand the difference, you'll know if you're with the right guy or not. A girl can only be mistreated for so long until she's finally had enough. Sure, if a girl loves you, she'll tolerate your bullshit because she cares about you but even a girl in love has a limit to how much she can take. Sure, if a girl loves you, she wouldn't give up on you no matter how bad it is but there's a difference between giving up and not being able to take it anymore. Sure, if a girl loves you, she'll forgive you for your mistakes no matter how many times you make the same time but eventually, a girl runs out of chances to give. Sure, if a girl loves you, she would want to work things out with you to fix things instead of leaving you and cutting off all ties between you two but once a girl's been treated like shit long enough, she begins to accept what she didn't want to in the first place; that you aren't good for her and maybe it really would be best if she leaves because you truly don't deserve her. ( Gabriel You know that I love you right? you can feel it right? I just want to make sure that you do, I hope it's obvious. I want to make you happy like always literally always. I'm so proud of you, with the things you can do, with the achievements, your humbleness, the genuine passion you have for your profession, I hope I won't mess it, I'll endure everything just for me not to mess anything about your image. I want to be there when you're sad, I want you to know that you're not alone, that I am here though sometimes I am away, but as much as possible I want you to feel that I am here for you, maybe not physically, but I swear you can always count on me. I can be your best friend when you need one, I'll be your crying shoulders when everything feels like too much. I'll hug you when you're feeling down. and at the end of each day, I'll do my best to turn things around from tears to laughter, from frown to smile and giggles. I love you and I always will. one thing I realized now, it's easier to show love to someone who appreciates the things that you do even the little efforts that you make, it's easier to break walls when you know that someone you love needs you because they love you as much as you do, or maybe even more than you do. and even when things get tough, I will still choose to love you. It is so fascinating how love can bring out the sweetest kid inside of person inside of me. I love you and I'm so happy that I met you, that you liked me, that you find me cool, if it wasn't because of that we won't start talking with each other. I'm so happy that I felt that spark. I'm so happy that I found the courage to fall in love, to be in a relationship again, to take risk. I'm so happy to have you in my life, and this happiness is one of the reasons why I want to keep you forever. I love you dearest.) You're lucky she still even cares. Most girls would have been like "Fuck this, I don't deserve this, I could do so much better, I don't have time for this, I'm done, I need to move on" and left you a long time ago. But nope, not her. Why? Because she's able to look past all of your flaws and faults and see the good in you. Because she's able to forgive you, drop everything, and move forward. Because she's able to not let the bad outweigh the good and remain positive for the relationship. You have no idea how much strength it takes for a girl to do those things for a guy, but you would be surprised. You would be surprised how many times a girl would have to put her own pride aside just so she can let things go. You would be surprised how many times a girl would have to bite her tongue just so she say something that would hurt your feelings. You would be surprised how many times her heart would be broken and yet, she still finds it in herself to look you in the eye and say "I love you, babe. Be happy you got your heart broken. That means you're the one who truly cared. That means you're the one who really tried. That means you're the one who deeply loved. It shows you that you're capable of caring about someone. It shows you that you're willing to open up and be vulnerable with someone. It shows you that you're strong enough to drop your pride for someone. To have your heart broken is to have proven that your intentions were genuine, your feelings were real, and your efforts were made. Having your heart broken can be the worst feeling, but it can also be the most gratifying feeling because your heart never comes back together the same way. When the time comes when it's ready to come back together, it comes back better than it was before because now it knows it deserves better and it's been reminded of its worth and how it's supposed to be valued. Don't let having your heart broken make you bitter when it's meant to help you grow and find yourself again. There are some people out there who can't even have their hearts broken because not only are they unable to love someone else, they're also unable to love themselves and will settle for something temporary and meaningless to be happy to an extent. Only the heartbroken can love, so be thankful that you know how to. You're the one who hurt her, and you're acting like she hurt you. You're the one who lied to her, and you're blaming her for her trust issues. You're the one who talks to other girls behind her back, and you're getting mad when she talks to her guy friends. You're the one who doesn't give her enough attention, and you're getting upset when she doesn't text you back fast enough. You're the one who doesn't make any time for her, and you trippin' when things get busy for her. You're the one who's always making mistakes, and you're saying she loves to pick fights with you. You're the one who doesn't understand her, and you're making her feel like she's crazy for feeling the way she does. You're the one who mistreats her, and you're playing the victim claiming she isn't good to you. You're the one who makes her miserable, and you're making it seem like you're unhappy because of her. You're the one who doesn't put any effort in, and you're coming off like she isn't trying her hardest. You're the one who doesn't love her, and you believe that she's the one who doesn't care. Forgive him. I know you hate him. I know you despise him. I know you can't stand the sight of him. I even know seeing his name makes you angry. Yes, you have every right to feel that towards him. He hurt you over and over, even when you've given him chance after chance. You could even say you're entitled to feel so much hatred towards him and nobody would blame you. But just think about it; what has hating him done for you? Sure, it's kept you more guarded against people. Sure, it's made you more aware of peoples' bad intentions with you. Sure, it's caused you to not trust anybody and therefore, not leaving yourself vulnerable for anybody. But hating him has also caused you to push people away. Hating him has also stopped you from being able to see potential in people who actually want to be with you. Hating him has caused you to be bitter, which led to you emotionally shutting yourself down, which led to you not caring if you hurt people in the process or not, which led to you being unable to love anyone, including yourself. Do you really want to feel this way forever? Are you sure you want to carry this with you for the rest of your life? Would you actually be willing to make the next guy pay for the last guys' mistakes? That wouldn't be fair to him or for you because how could you ever find happiness when you're the one preventing yourself from finding it? Deep down, I know you miss being loved and you even miss loving someone. Deep down, I know you're afraid to give as much of yourself to someone as you did to the last guy again. Deep down, I know you're even having trouble putting the wall you've put up down. But, you just have to let it go. Not just him, but that part of your life. I know that relationship with him took a huge toll on you and it's left you damaged, but it isn't too late for you to put yourself back together and there's also nothing wrong with having someone help you. You just have to start by forgiving him because that is the only way you'll ever move on to the next chapter of your life. Come back to being happy again because we all miss that girl. One day, if she ever does actually give up on you, just know that it took everything in her to do that. She's the type of girl who would give you endless chances, try to trust you even after it's been broken time and time again, always have your back even when you're wrong, and accept you for who you truly are even with your many flaws. She's the type of girl who would be there for you when everyone else thinks you're hopeless, be there for you when the rest of the world turns their back on you, and be there for you even when she shouldn't be. She's the type of girl who would fight for you when you don't deserve to be fought for, hold on to you when she should've let you go a long time ago, and love you when she has every reason to hate you. So if she finally reaches that point where she gives up on you, just realize how much it took for her to get to that point and how hard she had to push herself to be strong enough to give up on you because when a girl loves you, giving up is never an option, but at the same time, a girl can only allow herself to get hurt so many times until she's had enough. Her brain tells her 'Leave him. He isn't good for you. Why are you still here? He isn't going to change. You guys argue too much. You did everything you could to make him happy. You're not the wrong one here. It isn't the same as it used to be. You deserve better than this. You deserve to be happy. You can't let him hurt you anymore. Be strong. Leave.' But, her heart tells her 'We've been through too much to give up now. I'm too attached. We have too much history. I know I should leave, but I can't. I won't allow myself too. I love him too much now. Yeah, it's different now, but maybe if he sees me being good to him, he'll start being the way he was before again. & we can bring back the good times. I can't imagine him with another girl, it hurts to even think about it. I don't want to be with any other guy but him. Guess I'm stuck with him.' Honestly, girls get judged in a bad way for every little thing they do. Like if a girl wants to get high, let her be. You don't think girls that smoke are attractive? They're not smoking to look cute for you, they do it to relief stress and take their mind off of things. If a girl wants to drink, let her be. You don't like it when girls get sloppy when they're drunk? They're not drinking to be conservative for you, they do it to let loose and put themselves in a good mood. You don't like it when girls put on too much make up? They're not putting on make up to please you, they do it to deal with their insecurities and just to have fun. It's her life, her choices, whether you think it's right or wrong, let her learn on her own and stop when she wants to. You can't hurt a girl who's already damaged. So if a guy were to fuck her over, there's no need for her to cry. There's no need for her to be disappointed. There's no need for her to feel heartbroken because it's gotten so bad to the point where getting fucked up over becomes an expectation. She used to be able to tolerate mistakes but now, if a guy will talk to another girl or get caught in a lie, she'll cut you off and you'll never hear from her again. Because now there's no room for mistakes and she ain't got time for games. You either be real or be gone. Just be honest with her, cause the worst thing you can do is lie to her. Even if it'll hurt her, tell the truth about everything. There's no such thing as being 'too honest', because the truth might hurt, but a lie would hurt way more. I know you might feel the need to lie so she won't get hurt, but don't. All she can really ask from you is to be straight up & real with her. If you're talking to another girl, okay, she'll get a little jealous, but she'll get over it. If you're talking to your ex, okay, she'll be a little uncomfortable with it, but she'll brush it off. If you're chillin' with other girls, okay, she'll be a little upset, but she won't be mad at you forever. If you caught feelings for another girl, okay, she'll cry for a little, but she'll learn to accept it. At least she'll respect you for being man enough to tell her, but if you're gonna lie about any of these things, eventually, she'll find out, & there goes her respect, her trust, maybe even her love. Lie to a girl once and she'll start to think everything else you've ever told her was a lie. She'll start to not be able to see the difference between what's true and not. She'll start to question from now on if you're being sincere with her or you're just being a bullshit. She'll start to doubt anything you say to her unless you can convince her or prove to her that it's the truth because if you can't, she simply won't believe. Oh and don't tell her, 'I lied because I didn't want to hurt you', because you lied just to save your own ass from getting in trouble. See, when you break a girl's heart, she'll still be able to love you but when you break a girl's trust, that's gone forever. After a girl gets out of a toxic relationship, she's single for a long time. At first, it's lonely. In the beginning, it's hard. For a little awhile, it even hurts. But after a certain amount of time, she embraces being single and finds it empowering knowing that she doesn't need a man to be happy. But once a girl gets comfortable with being single, it's hard for her to be mentally attracted to anyone. Once a girl gets familiar with being on her own, it's hard for her to be emotionally connected to anyone. Once a girl gets used to taking caring of herself, it's hard for her to be dependent on anyone. The reason behind that is, she's not trying to go back to that dark place she was in before, she's not trying to waste her time on a guy who's gonna turn out to be undeserving, and she's not trying to end up with the wrong one. She's spent a lot of time detoxifying herself and finding herself again and the last thing she needs is for another toxic guy to come along and cause her to lose herself again. So yeah, it may require extra attention, it may require extra effort, and it may require extra time but if you somehow manage to get her to not want to be single anymore, then you're gonna get a girl who's whole again, who's secure enough, and who's ready to love and be loved again. She can get over being mad at you, but she'll remain disappointed to herself. She can get over you talking to another girl, but she'll remain jealous to herself. She can get over arguing with you, but she'll remain stubborn to herself. She can get over finding something out that's bad about you, but she'll remain curious to herself. She can get over waiting a long time for you, but she'll remain impatient to herself. She can get over not talking to you, but she'll remain clingy to herself. She can get over you not seeing you, but she'll remain lonely to herself. She can get over you, but she'll remain heart broken to herself. Some girls are just really good at holding on to things, so just because she's smiling, doesn't exactly mean she's happy. If you treat your girl wrong, who else is she gonna turn to? The nearest and closest guy friend she has. He'll make her laugh since you made her cry, he'll give her comfort since you made her feel lonely, he'll pay attention to her since you ignore her, he'll tell her she's beautiful since you made her feel ugly. What do you think is gonna happen next? He's gonna tell her she deserves better and you know what? She's going to start believing it. A girl can only take so much and wait around so long for things to get better, but if they don't, she'll eventually feel like it isn't worth trying anymore and guess who she's gonna start talking to after she figures out she's done with you? The same guy friend who's doing all the things you're no longer doing for her. No, he's not busy. No, his phone didn't die. No, he didn't forget to text you back. No, it's not that he hasn't been on his phone. No, it's not that he doesn't have service. If you're not hearing from him, that's because he has nothing to say to you. If you're not hearing from him, that's because he isn't thinking about you. If you're not hearing from him, that's because he doesn't miss you. No, it's not because he "sucks at texting back" and it's not because he doesn't call you back in 5 minutes like he says he would, but it's simply because he doesn't want to. No, it's not because he isn't receiving your texts and tells you "I never got it" when it clearly says "Delivered" right after you pressed send, but it's simply because he purposely ignores your messages and leaves you on Read or Seen. If he's not talking to you but he's able to be active on social media, that should be enough to show you that he doesn't prioritize you the way you prioritize him. Stop trying to convince yourself that you'll eventually hear from him. Stop trying to make yourself believe that there's a good reason as to why he isn't talking to you. Stop trying to force yourself to wait until he decides to make time for you. If he can't even do the little things like say good morning, ask you how your day is going, tell you about his day, and say good night to you so that you don't go to bed feeling unimportant, you need to let him go because what you deserve is consistency. He hurt you once, he'll do it again. You're denying it but he will. He disrespected you once, or cheated on you, and he'll do it again. Stop denying it. You deserve to be treated like a princess but here you are letting him take you for granted. You're gonna tell me he apologized and sounded so sweet and sincere. However, we always said actions speak louder than words and now you're thinking the other way around. Because you want everything to be better than it is, you don't want to believe he's been acting like an asshole. You don't want to accept the fact that he has power and that he is going to hurt you again. You're not his doll he can't come back whenever he wants just because he knows the door will always open. You want to believe he cares about you as much as you do. But it's not true. Don't let him do it again. Don't let him hurt you. Don't let him apologize, tell you a few words cause he'll do the same thing again. Or maybe even worse. They're so good at this so be better. You deserve someone who knows your worth and he probably doesn't. If he was capable of hurting you once you should know by now that he is not worth it at all. Second chances shouldn't be given to people who don't respect others. Don't be a fool. You are scared; you don't know how life is going to be when you leave him. It is going to be hard the first two weeks, or months just like when you quit smoking. Habits are hard to quit. He was yours. But then it gets easier. It gets better. It always does, doesn't it? You'll crave him just like you crave cigarettes the first few days but then you just get used to it. Everything gets better with time. Don't let him fool you. Don't let him do it again. Close the damn door.