#procrastinating on homework by drawing for fun instead of being on my phone is going well though

[raticusfinch]

shieldmaiden of rohan

[brytmoon]

i feel like i'm being really annoying about it to ppl so i'm gonna vent here about struggles i have that might be undiagnosed adhd symptoms since i don't have a very big following except for two close friends (sorry y'all)

1. hygiene, such as brushing my teeth in the morning and showering, is hard. it's been hard my whole life but even now, i'll stare at myself in the mirror or scroll through my phone as i try to convince myself to brush my teeth. (this may or may not be related, but i hate going to the dentist, too.) with showering, it's hard to find the time. i always make sure to shower as often as possible (which is every other day, usually) or i make sure i don't smell if i haven't because i'm scared of having b.o. with both, i have to motivate myself to do it with fancy toothpastes and mouthwash or nice-smelling shower gels and lotions. I'm guessing this is executive dysfunction???

2. I've been incredibly disorganized my whole life. i once thought i had adhd when i was younger because of how disorganized i was. I've always had a super messy backpack and a super messy room (it's really messy rn) but i always know where everything is. i had a ds for at least ten years but lost it a couple months ago in the middle of playing it. where did it go???? i have no idea bruh. and i lose my phone all. the. time.

3. i'm terrible with procrastinating. turning in projects and essays at 11:59 after bullshitting it either all day or mere hours before the due date??? a constant. having failing homework grades and having ntis in every class, no matter how much i enjoy it??? a constant. i once did a whole project i hadn't started on until the morning of the due date. i worked on it while in other classes and at lunch and turned it in 3 minutes before the dropbox closed. anything that's not what i enjoy or zaps the fun out of what i enjoy, i procrastinate with. I've sat in front of the computer screen and almost cried so many times because i couldn't get myself to type up a scholarship essay, which OBVIOUSLY would greatly benefit me as a broke college student, but it doesn't matter bc my brain thinks it's boring so why not push it off?? because i procrastinate, i tend to overwhelm myself so much that i break down at least once when an assignment's due because I've formed a terrible habit of pushing myself to overexertion to get a project done that's meant to be done gradually.

4. bouncing off that last point, I'm terrible with time management and remembering events/due dates/assignments to complete. I've tried using schedule apps and alarms. I've tried to plan out my days. I've tried forming routines and habits to get things done at appropriate times and it doesn't work. that schedule app i downloaded and spent so much time filling out? completely forgotten in a week or two. i swipe away the notifications and pay no attention to them. since everything's virtual now, there have been important college information zoom calls, but i forget about them and miss them. i can't remember events, due dates, or assignments if i don't write them down. since i meet every other day or sometimes once a week for a specific class in college, i can easily forget something mentioned earlier that week that's due the next week over the weekend. i have to remember to write in my agenda in order to remember to do something important, which can be stressful and convoluted 🙃🙃 so my bad time management results in further procrastination and missed opportunities, which makes me feel awful about myself late at night when all i can think about is what i should've done better or differently.

5. chores and hobbies are... interesting. when i do get the energy or motivation to clean or draw, i will hyperfocus on them. if i finally feel like cleaning, I'll skip breakfast and/or lunch and won't take care of myself until I'm done. same happens with drawing. and as stupid or funny as it sounds, i find getting up to go pee so annoying!!!! I'm in the middle of doing something i FINALLY want to do and then i have to get up to go use the bathroom. i don't want to break my concentration bc it's an inconvenience. then with hobbies (y'know, things i want to do and enjoy) i procrastinate!! I've been trying to watch atla since everyone loves it and i like it too, but i put off watching it and other shows like crazy. i play instruments and love to do so, but don't practice very often and spend a couple hours doing so when i do because i remember how fun it is. when i do laundry, I'll remember to put the clothes in the washing machine and start it. but then I'll forget to either put them in the dryer, take them out of the dryer, or fold them. i often have to rewash loads because I'll forget they're in there or I'll have a pile of clothes sitting on my bed for days because i procrastinate with folding them and putting them up.

6. i am the most motivated and have the most energy at night. over the summer, I'd stay up until 4 or 5 am on a regular basis. I'd be the most productive during that time but my sleeping schedule would be so off because of it.

7. so people with adhd crave things that produce dopamine, right? well i snack on candy all the time. and i mean it when i say it's ALL THE TIME. my favorite one is red hots because they're crunchy and spicy. eating candy helps me focus and is probably a form of me seeking more stimulation, but it's bad because of my teeth hygiene issues and me hating to go to the dentist. i also can't do tasks quietly. i have to be listening to music or watching a video while working on something and there are times when i want to do both while working??? so now when i watch something or listen to music without working, i tend to need something to do so i scroll through Instagram while having the show on even though it makes me miss what's happening sometimes.

8. i don't really fidget much i don't think?? but i do weird stuff while listening to someone talk. in school, i often doodled on my worksheets and got in trouble for it. I'd draw eyes in the margins, characters I'm fixated on, squiggly lines, and would color in my o's. or while listening to a family member vent, i dance around or listen while scrolling through Instagram. i also have a baaad habit of picking at my skin (dermatillomania). I'd focus on picking scabs for a really long time when i was alone and bored and have scars on my face and legs from doing it. I've picked at my face since i was a kid and absent mindedly do it every day.

9. i can get quite distracted and have to ask for directions to be repeated because i won't hear them?? like my brain won't process what someone said until they say it again when i'm actually fully paying attention. my mom will ask me to run an errand for her and she'll need to repeat it to me because i'll get distracted while she's explaining or i'll forget what she said after walking away. i get off track in conversations a lot and can't really listen well when there's a lot of other noise going on, like in cafeterias. i'll be talking to one friend and hear another interesting conversation down the table and pause while speaking bc my attention shifted. i also can lose my train of thought quite easily when waiting to speak and forget what i was saying and not be able to remember it for the life of me. so I'll interrupt sometimes so i don't forget

10. when talking to friends, i feel like i talk about myself a lot. i like to use my personal experiences to connect with what they said and be empathetic to them, but i worry this comes off as being conceited. i heard that it might be an adhd thing i do to keep myself engaged in the conversation.

i think that's all of them??? I'm so sorry to anyone who has to scroll through all this jgjrjrj but i guess it's good to make note of this stuff in some way because i articulate my feelings better when typing instead of speaking. and this'll be helpful to reference when chatting with a future therapist which i will hopefully get soon! and if anyone sits through this and has any advice, I'm all ears!!

[a-ratt]

Spideybug Ficlet

So, recently I got an ask about Spideybug. An anon said they’d gotten into the pairing after playing a bunch of Insomniac’s PS4 Spider-Man game. They imagined these dorks being adorable and helping each other out: Marinette redesigning Peter’s suit and Peter making Marinette gadgets for her suit.

I got inspired and wrote a ficlet, but didn’t realize there’s no such thing as a save draft function on asks, so... uh... it got deleted... Sorry, anon.

So, uh, just take this as an apology.

“Hey, uh, Mr. Stark?“ Peter fiddled with his phone. “So, th-this might be a bad time, but... uh, I- I was wondering if you could... look at this for me?”

Beside him, Tony Stark chuckled and leaned against the workbench they stood at. “Yeah, sure, kid. What do you got?“

Peter squeezed his phone and looked over the picture he’d pulled up before handing it over to the world-renowned inventor. “W-Well, it’s kind of a redesign of my suit.”

Tony raised an eyebrow. “A redesign?“ He took the phone and glanced it over. “Of my suit? What? Red and black not your style anymore?“

Peter’s eyes blew up and he threw his hands up, waving them around frantically. “No! No! No! I-I really appreciate the suit still! I love it! It’s great! But- Well, no buts, but... well....“

He trailed off and looked away, trying to hide his flushed face. A few seconds passed before he dared to look up at Mr. Stark. Shockingly, he didn’t find him glaring down at him in offense. Instead, the billionaire industrialist, inventor, former CEO, and founding Avenger was staring intently at his phone.

“Did you draw this?“ he asked incredulously, eyes never leaving his phone. “These designs are incredible!“

Peter blinked. “R-Really?” He grew a smile and laughed while rubbing the back of his neck. “W-Well, I didn’t draw them, it was my....” He stopped short and trailed off, a sudden fear coming over him.

Tony looked up, his brow furrowed. They locked eyes and Peter saw his mentor’s curiosity visibly transform into suspicion.

“Your....“ He waved a hand, gesturing for him to continue. “Come on, Parker. Spill it out.“

He shifted anxiously before deciding to bite the bullet. “They’re from my girlfriend.”

Tony stared at him. “Your what?”

“My girlfriend.“ He shrugged, averting his eyes to his shoes. “Sh-She drew them,” he mumbled.

“You have a girlfriend? Seriously?”

“Pft, yeah. Wh-Why wouldn’t I?”

Tony narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing him, before he handed him back his phone. “Prove it, Parker.”

He tossed him back the phone, then crossed his arms. Peter barely caught it, cradling it in his arms before picking it back up. Glancing from it to his mentor, he steeled himself for the amount of embarrassment about to crash down on him.

“O-Okay.” He skimmed through his gallery until he found a good picture of her. “So… this is Marinette.”

He showed him a picture of her when she’d visited New York, standing atop the Empire State Building with the city sprawling behind her. She’d been so excited to be high up. It’d been adorable.

“And how do I know you didn’t rip this off the internet?”

Offense crossed his face and he flicked to another photo where it was him and Marinette playing video games at his and Aunt May’s apartment. Tony’s eyes grew a little wide with that one.

“And I stand corrected.” He patted his on the arm. “Good for you, Parker. She looks like a keeper.”

He flushed red and rubbed the back of his neck. “Um, yeah. Thanks, Mr. Stark.”

Marinette balanced on her heels as Mlle. Mendeleiev scanned the list of chemicals she’d handed her. Every so often, she'd peer over it at her and she'd just flash an innocent smile. She'd go right back to scanning the list again, but that did little to diminish the anxiety inside of her.

“Remind me why you need all of these again?” Mlle. Mendeleiev put her hands on her hips. “This isn't a prank, right? These chemicals you've listed are can be dangerous if mistreated!”

“I know! I know!” She didn't know. Gosh dang it, Peter. “I'm not using them for prank.”

“Oh?” Her science/math teacher leaned towards her. “Then what are you using it for?”

She raised a finger and opened her mouth, but then closed her mouth and dropped her finger. She glanced around briefly before spying a poster depicting a baking soda volcano.

“It's for the science fair!”

Mlle. Mendeleiev furrowed her brow. “But that isn't for another two months!”

Marinette pursed her lips and glanced at the date on the poster. Yep, definitely two more months.

“W-Well… that's exactly why I need them now!” she declared, raising up her finger again. “Because, you know, I need to… practice- er, test… my science project… for the fair….”

Her finger slowly dropped as Mlle. Mendeleiev scrutinized her with judgemental eyes. A few seconds later, however, she smiled.

“Finally!” she huzzahed. “A student that doesn't procrastinate!”

Marinette blushed at the praise while Mlle. Mendeleiev went over her list again.

“Alright, I think I have all of these.” She pointed at her. “You stay right here. I’ll be right back.”

The moment the door closed, she let out a sigh of relief. A part of her- well, all of her actually, had been worried that Mlle.Mendeleiev would’ve taken her to the principal’s office for the chemicals she was asking for. It kinda seemed illegal to be asking for such specific things.

There was a thump on her leg and she glanced down as Tikki poked her head out of her purse.

“You did it, Marinette!”

She smiled. “Well, I did part of it. I still need to make some more of Peter’s synth web.”

She tapped her wrist and expanded the web shooter Peter had gifted her. It wrapped around her wrist and extended into her palm, tailoring itself to her arm. She tapped the trigger button, but frowned when all it shot out was a puff of air.

“I can’t believe you already went through the vials he gave you.” Tikki floated up and hovered over her shoulder. “You sure love using it.”

She blushed, but shrugged. “What can I say? It’s really helpful in akuma fights.”

It honestly was. Before, she’d have struggled with taking the time to swing her yo-yo or wrap it around something. With Peter’s web shooter, she could just point and click, then shoot up or pull something towards her. It was also a lot of fun to mess around with when she wanted to waste time in her bedroom, hanging upside down or hanging notes up while she did homework.

“Marinette!”

She blinked as Tikki zoomed back into her purse. Mlle. Mendeleiev walked back into the room a second later, hauling a small crate of jugs, bottles, and other chemistry equipment.

[mrsavis-blog]

Whompdie whomp whom

I’m just going to jump straight into it...  I’m not 100% I’m going to get that job, and To be Honest... I’m cool w/ that. I mean, I would love to get paid very well for a Server. But I was not AT ALL looking forward to that commute, and nor am I sprinting towards work-life. I’m your typical creative soul... I need a lot of freedom and space & ability to move at my own pace. *Medium sigh*

But just to not jinx it either, they did tell me I have about 24hrs. I doubt they meant it literally but more figurately ... like in general, if I don’t hear from them at all today then it’s a “No thanks”... Hmmm did companies low key invent ghosting??? Because it’s totally the worse to apply to places, get an interview, and then be left hanging... It’s like thanks for financial blue balls... 

I don’t know about other people, but I take ALL relationships serious, especially ones that involve my finances. I do my homework before I even apply, full money background search on the J.O.B. I know how much I will be paid after taxes before I can even introduce myself to the manager. I already know exactly where my 1st FIVE checks are going, I know what day to look forward to on paying off my debt. Ect. ect. ect.  ... I’m not counting the chics before they hatch I’m just drawing up blueprints for their coop, and trying to set up deals for where I’m going to sell their eggs..

I don’t go overboard or anything... 

BUT D@MN I hate sitting around for anything & anyone. I’ve learned how to cope with an extremely short patience at a young age... Distractions + productiveness is the key.. Got to constantly be prepared with ways to fill up those life-sucking, nerve-wracking, black hole voids of “waiting on something/someone”. This is one of those times

I started last night... I just got up out of bed and started cleaning the kitchen... Cleaning is the best, absolutely one of my favorite ways to relieve stress & anxiety. This is why:

1. You get instant gratification; EVERYONE loves being in a clean environment. It’s like the aura of the room brightens and hums a silent soothing uplifting song that your spirit vibes to. 

2. I’m good at it: I get the details of a room done, and efficiently so. If you’re going to do something do it all out. I literally clean from the ceiling to the floor, and not only that but I sanitize & cleanse. Cleaning is just removing debris and making an area look less cluttered & disorganized or neglected. Sanitizing is when you actually kill the bacteria & viruses that threaten us (and I am a big Germaphobe so this really matters!). Cleansing is when you clear out bad vibes, I prefer to let in a lot of natural light, smudge, pray, and air out my place. 

3. It’s easy to do and can do it anywhere at any time. 

4. It makes life smoother. I LOVE just being able to go about things with minimum resistance.  For example, I don’t like having to look for things and or clean something when I need it at that moment. 

I feel like I’m beating a dead horse, you get the idea...

I started cleaning my kitchen and taking care of my loved ones... Going out my way to give them a great hot meal, and relaxed/ clean space to come home to after working a double. Their bed was ready, the food was hot & how they liked it, their favorite show was waiting for them to press play, their drink was poured, and no one was bothering them. 

Then after they were set, I began getting things ready for the morning... Putting out clothes to take my lil one to daycare; having their favorite morning snacks, their backpack, and outfit set up. 

The morning came & went, and I still continued to try to keep my mind off of staring at my cellie with busy work. I Cleaned someone else’s bathroom and I HATE DOING THAT. I’m talking about I scrub the DOG SH!T out of the toilet so well it looks got d@mn fucking new... You can see your reflection, and I even polished the faucet and bathroom appliances... 

EVERYTHING that can be washed is, sh!t I even rewashed sh!t that’s not even 3 days out of the last load.. I’m still thinking of other sh!t to clean...

It’s almost 3pm and that is just about 24 hrs ago from when I last spoke to the restaurant and I’m getting very anxious. 

I know there are other places I can apply & get a job. But I lowkey want this one because of YES! the money. But also because I feel like it would push me to WAKE THE F#CK UP! Get my life back on track to what I felt & remember how it was before my Dragon came.

There are a ton of things I know I out to be doing, and this would help force me to work on my self-discipline. Because there would be rewards (mostly in the form of a check) and consequences towards steering off the path towards my goals. 

OH THE F#CK WELL!! It’ll be what it’ll be lol... I just feel like if I think too much about not getting it then I’m somehow influencing the universe into not giving it to me, but also the opposite. That if I know I have it, that I’m lowkey manifesting it into existence, and I’m a little hesitant, to be honest. I’m not fully ready to get into all of that extra mess that comes with it. Even though I know it’s past time and will be no perfect job anytime soon. I’m kinda convinced that if I just chill and don’t feed either thought, then what is meant to be will be, and I will know for sure then what needs to be done. Lol regardless I’m getting a job, either way, just not fully convinced this should be the one.

WHAT I AM F#CKING TIRED OF THOUGH... IS ALL THESE D@MN TELEMARKETERS CALLING MY GOT D@MN CELLPHONE!! 

I’m over here about to flip out EVERY time my cellie rings, and I answer to some dumb sh!t. I have no idea what the phone number will be if they call me, so I basically have to answer all the calls. I keep blocking them, and they just call back with different numbers. 

Moving onwards to other topics, I am in a perplexing situation like constantly actually lol. But seriously I don’t feel like I have total anonymity and can’t be totally free with things my spirit truly moves me to say... So I’m thinking of starting a new Blog that’s a Satire of my own; I will mix in a lot of fiction with bits of truth... It’ll be obscene and vulgar without any censorship so you have been warned. I don’t know if it’ll be any good, but it will give me more practice on my writing skills. Unlike this. I don’t know exactly when I’ll actually work on it, but I usually get what I want to do done...soo eh.

On top enjoying allowing myself to blossom on here, I do very much have to find someone to sell my time to, doing tasks in exchange for tips. I need to go through my emails and the handfull of job sites I’ve joined over the past couple of weeks. It’s all rather a little bit depressing in its own, so I find myself avoiding the f#ck out of it all. Especially since our financial situation has gotten better enough for us to breath again instead of drown. But the sensation of suffocating is still wavering over me and clinging to my spirits, that I can’t help but constantly think about what I NEED to be doing.

I’m not procrastinating entirely I am checking my emails, and staring the ones to go back and open. I did check out another Fine dinging restaurant up the street from us and plan on filling out their application later this evening. I even did 3 interviews and take a competency test... Again I say I’m not sprinting... I’m kinda just moving barely into sparting gear (It’s not walking and it’s not a full out jog, it’s when you extend the length of your gait enough to be moving fast but not exerting yourself). 

I am working on self-discipline but forcing myself to not focus entirely on just one thing, and burning myself out. As well as see things through and finish things I’m having a hard time getting back into gear with.

It’s been a journey to say the least...

... One way I am planning on going about helping myself get organized to get the most out my time and get all I want to do crammed into a day... Is to go about these sessions/ entries at a more organized way. It’s fun just free-falling through words and jargon in my head, but the process is slow and time-stealing... I will start taking notes of the things I think about posting about throughout my day. They will either make the cut and be somehow smoothly discussed on here. Or they will be a bit too extreme or too vulnerable for me to freely discuss and placed in my Satire peace... There will be more of an intro kinda deal & an outro, and of course, there will still be MORALS... I will be basically just bullet pointing them, and then going in at will... So there’s still some form of free-falling, but no time lost one what to type up next, or getting lost in thoughts, or looking for the right GIF.

With that being said I do have to close out... So the MORAL OF THE SESS IS: “Don’t let rejection or the fear of rejection stop your life. Know your way of coping and find healthy outlets for your anxieties & stress. Don’t ever stop improving or believing in yourself, with that being said give yourself a break here & there.” .

Peace.