#probs trigger warning for internalized ableism and depression and self hatred etc.

[oncominggstorm]

I’m doing really, really, really poorly today mental-health wise and idk what to do.

I’m just like. So tired. Of everything. I’m so sick of my life. I’m so sick of not being able to do the things I want to do. And I feel like I’ve spent my whole life just sort of sitting and waiting and letting things happen, because every time I try to take action or make a change in my life, I get so fucking burnt out so quickly and so exhausted so quickly.

And I’m so sick of just everything. And everything feels like a trap that I can’t break out of. Like take my job for example. I work, which burns me out, so I spend every minute that I’m not working trying to recover from work, and never have the energy to do things that I actually want to do, and then, after all of that, I can’t even afford anything. Like I’m constantly hungry, because I can barely afford groceries, I can only afford to eat two times a day.  I can’t afford to go anywhere or do anything. My little sister’s birthday is coming up and I can’t even afford to buy her a fucking birthday present.

I’ll be 32 in December, and I’m still living with my dad, in a house that I have no control over, I can’t control my environment, I just have to put up whatever the fuck he wants and it’s always just about him and he doesn’t think about anyone else.  But I can’t afford to live on my own, and even if I had the money for it, I usually am not even able to do basic self-care tasks like shower regularly or do my laundry, how the fuck would I manage a house on my own? But I’m just so sick of it. And I feel like such a failure. And I know that it’s due in large part to my disabilities, but I can’t get myself to be OK with that and to accept that. I always feel like I should be able to do more. And I want to do more, and it’s not fair that I can’t have the life I want.

And it’s just really hard to hold out hope. My whole life I’ve always gotten through the bad times by telling myself I just have to get through this & then in the future I’ll have this life I’ve always dreamed of and everything will be better. But it’s still not. And I don’t see how it ever will be. I don’t see a way out. Because, like I said, every time I try to do anything to improve my life or make changes I just immediately crash and burn.

And I’m just so tired. And I feel so alone. I have very little support. And I’m always having to take care of everyone else, and there’s noboidy around to take care of me. And I’m just so sick of it. And nobody likes me, and very few people love me. I really just have my mom, my two sisters, and my grandma, and that’s it, and I’m at least partially responsible for taking care of three of those four people. I don’t have support. I don’t have love. I sure as hell don’t have any friends.

I just don’t know what to do. Because it just doesn’t feel like it’s worth trying anymore. Like what’s the point? Why put myself through all the pain and struggle just to be miserable and not get to have a life that I like? And I just can’t keep doing this. I’m so tired. How am supposed to do this for another 50 years?