#problem with being blah is i go on social media and then get shitty

[theninjazebra]

complaining about shit on socials is the most annoying form of complaining, but -

kids, children, youths - there are no rules in art. none. don't stress about what fuckin school of colour theory is the shit this week, or what fucked trend is selling, or whatever. just fuck around, see what you like.

there are no rules in writing, no rules in music, no rules in visual art, or any other medium, form, format, or dimension. there's just what you like or don't, what matches what you're trying to express in that moment, or not. and the most fucked, random shit can find the other 2 freaks on earth that Get It.

Like, understanding what other people are mostly likely to understand from your work is useful, but only to a point. same way it's useful to know the physical properties and techniques of a medium, if just to fuck with it better.

but you can't Win at art, and you definitely can't lose or do it wrong. there are no grades, no prizes, no hierarchies. the human culture around art? yes. but the work itself? no. too ephemeral, too fleeting, too subjective. that's kinda the point.

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

[get-shiggy-with-it]

Ch. 4

18 + Minors DNI Please Check Rules Before You Follow

Pairing: Tomura Shigaraki x fem!Reader (brief reference to Dabi x Hawks)

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: smut, allusion to nausea (once), brief sacrilegious language (dabi), mentions of alcohol (dabi), mentions of smoking (dabi), dabi is just a whole warning of his own, gender neutral pronouns for reader, fem cause they're called a woman as an insult, Shiggy is an asshole, grinding, degradation,

Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4 | Ch. 5 | Ch. 6

Summary: In which a project is completed and a new one begins

AO3 Mirror

Taglist: @dillybuggg (shoot me an ask if you want to be tagged)

Your project was almost complete.

In some ways, it sort of felt like the end of an era. To Tomura, who was a creature of habit by nature, it was doubly strange to imagine no longer spending hours a few days each week locked away in your little study room with you bugging him to teach you simple html and him not-so-discreetly sniffing your hair.

He still hadn’t asked you out or whatever he’d been trying to do, much to Dabi’s chagrin. And because of this, Tomura was consistently plagued with the feeling of time running out.

You were supposed to meet today for probably the last time seeing as the presentation was coming up at the end of the week. He knew it was now or never at this point. If he didn’t fucking say something now, he never would and then he’d have to live with the same his roommate wouldn’t let him live down.

So instead of heading directly to the library after class, Tomura took the old route back to his apartment and shot you a quick text—praying to the fucking boner gods, as Dabi called them, that you’d take the bait.

would you mind putting the finish touches on shit at my place?—

there’s some parts i gotta do from my desktop—

That wasn’t completely a lie. It was nicer working from his pc setup, but before he wouldn’t have let you come anywhere fucking near there. Not until he’d finally accepted that you’d wormed your way into his brain somehow and he couldn’t live another day not knowing what your tongue tasted like.

bitch (endearing):

—no problem

—what’s your address?

Tomura’s heart fucking pounded mercilessly against the bony prison of his ribs. It wasn’t like he was a stranger to some good old fashioned anxiety, but he’d never felt a strange stirring in his stomach quite like this. Like he might puke, but in a good way.

He quickly sent back his street and apartment number, and waited on the corner until you texted back that you’d be there in an hour before he rushed inside.

“What the hell are you doing, creep?!” Dabi snapped at him when he burst through the door and yeeted his backpack onto the kitchen table.

Tomura didn’t answer, just made a beeline for the bathroom and slammed the door. He doused himself in record time, unbothered by the hot water causing red, patchy flare ups to bloom over his skin. He was almost disgusted with himself for putting in this much effort for someone like you. Someone being definitely kind of a slut if the way you dressed was a good indicator. But he just kept thinking about the way your hair or skin smelled so goddamn good when you leaned in close and he wanted you to be obsessed with him in the same way. Wanted you to want to bury your face in his neck and breath him in.

When he stumbled out into the hall moments later, towel drying his hair roughly, Dabi was taking a shot over the sink.

He looked at Tomura like hell had frozen over.

“Two showers in like a month?” he mused, sucking his teeth as the alcohol slid down his throat. “What’s the occasion? The fucking, second coming of Christ?”

“Well the bitch is coming over so…”

“Oh, that is a fucking miracle,” Dabi whistled and knocked back a second shot.

Tomura glared, stepping into his room and tossing his towel aside to tug on his nicest pair of black joggers and t-shirt that gapped a bit at the front, showing off a large expanse of his chest. It made him a bit nervous even just looking at his reflection but you definitely stared the few times he’d taken off his hoodie while you were working, so the risk seemed worth the reward.

“Yeah, well you’re gonna have to piss off for the night,” Tomura shouted into the kitchen as Dabi sauntered over to lean against his doorframe.

“You know, I conveniently do have a dick appointment with my own bitch, but now I don’t want to go.”

His tone was teasing, eyes hooded and clearly enjoying how flustered Tomura was already before you’d even gotten here. Tomura moved to snatch another pillow and do battle but Dabi raised his hands up quickly in defeat.

“Oh no, no, I just fucking did my hair for this Keigo asshole you are not gonna ruin it with that petty shit,” he shot back and disappeared somewhere into his own room. “I’ll be out of your greasy ass hair don’t worry.”

Tomura seethed and bit back of reply of his hair for once not being greasy as hell, but the multiple cum stains—both his and his nasty fucking roommates—marring the comforter caught his eye.

“Ugh,” he mumbled and balled the whole thing up, shoving it under the bed and spreading out one of his merch blankets from that manga you both liked.

Hopefully you wouldn’t think that was too cringey, but he had definitely seen your room plastered with merch in the background of your social media profiles which he totally did not stalk at all and maybe jerk off to on occasion.

The rest of his room was quickly cleared by a combination of shoving random crap into his closet and filling up their recycling bin to the brim with empty energy drink cans. He tackled the kitchen next which wasn’t as hard as he’d expected. Neither he nor Dabi cooked all that frequently, so the dishes weren’t an issue and the vague, lingering smell of whatever the fuck Dabi had been smoking early was cleared out a bit by leaving the balcony door ajar.

He checked the time on his phone obsessively, about ready to pound on Dabi’s door and throw him out on the step when the man in question emerged on his own—black platform boots donned with his ass hugging ripped jeans and a loose tank top.

He had on fucking eyeliner.

God and he thought Tomura was being desperate.

“What? Wishing you’d locked this down first?” Dabi sneered, grabbing his jacket from the rack and shoulder checking Tomura on his way to the door.

“I—” he stammered for a second, bristling as Dabi towered over him a bit in those fucking boots. “No, asshole, just leave before they get here.”

But at the exact moment that Dabi rolled his eyes and flung open the door, Tomura’s phone buzzed in his pocket. Looking up in mingled horror and embarrassment, he watched the door hit the wall and reveal you, a little more casually dressed than usual looking stunned as Dabi grinned down at you with pierced lips.

“Hi, I’m-” you started but Tomura’s live-in nightmare cut you off.

“Oh I know who you are, dollface,” Dabi wiggled his fucking eyebrows at you, clearly playing up the dramatics as much as possible to a degree even Tomura didn’t think he could pull off. “Name’s Dabi—”

“Uh, yeah and he was just leaving,” Tomura hissed and placed his shoulder firmly in the center of his roommate’s back, launching him onto the welcome mat as you side-stepped through the door.

“Yeah, see ya later creep,” he fucking winked as the door slammed shut in his face.

Tomura’s cheeks burned in the following silence which was only broken by your quiet chuckle. He noticed you did that a lot. Laughed at things without even thinking about whether it would sound weird.

“He seems like a lot,” you mumbled and glanced around at the living room/kitchen/foyer of his tiny apartment.

“Yeah…”

He thought he might feel the same sort of disturbance he usually did when Dabi brought his dates home but you seemed to fit easily into the space, unobtrusive but bright against the dingy walls.

“So, should we get to it?” you asked with a wry smile, spinning to face him and silhouetted by the sun set filtering in past the balcony.

He may not have felt the usual discomfort of intruders in his space, but his hands shook where he clutched at his thighs nonetheless. And just like always, if you noticed the bunched up fabric and the not so slight tremor in his bony arms, you didn’t say a thing about it.

You looked so good propped up on his bed, back against the wall and legs dangling off the sides as the now strangely comforting sound of your furious typing filled his room. It had been a few hours now, and Dabi had been true to his word, seemingly gone until tomorrow morning. The room was illuminated only by your screens and his small desk lamp that lit up your legs like a stage spot light.

His mind fogged over more than once with the fantasy of laying in between them.

“I just shared the final bit of script,” you said, breaking the comfortable silence.

The notification pinged at the top of his screen and he hummed in acknowledgement, plugging in your last pieces of text and saving the program.

And just like that.

It was over.

“I think we’re done,” Tomura whispered.

He didn’t really mean to say it so softly, but it felt strange to talk at full volume so he rasped out the words, knowing you wouldn’t care how shitty his voice sounded.

There was a creak and soft footsteps behind him as you shuffled off the bed and over to his desk. Your hands rested way too close to his shoulders than necessary while you leaned over his chair to look at the finished product.

It was still a little rough around the edges but Tomura found himself feeling a swell of satisfaction now that it was complete. All things considered, you’d come up with a pretty damn good concept and he liked knowing he played a role in helping it come to fruition.

The piece you picked was weird as shit. Some political satire about eating babies, lots of juxtaposition about the private life versus the public self and some bullshit rants on the nature of humanity blah blah blah.

It actually reminded him of you a little bit, now that he thought about it as he took advantage of you position to stare intently at your eyes scanning the screen. Not the eating babies thing, but the whole private self stuff.

In the half semester he’d spent locked away with you in quiet rooms and noisy, dimly lit basements, he could see such a stark contrast between the you he’d known from class all those weeks ago and the you currently sighing in relief over his shoulder.

Softer, more real—not so Stacy, bimbo, pick me slut like he’d always imagined you to be.

“Damn, we did it my guy,” you nodded, clearly impressed with yourself and him as well, which had Tomura’s chest puffing out just a bit under the attention. “I could fucking kiss you, I thought we’d never get it done.”

You turned to him, eyes closed in a half laugh but Tomura was so far from laughing. Cause you were really, really fucking close and he could smell you again and you’d been chewing that fucking gum cause it was hot on your breath. He knew, he really did, that you were kidding, that this was just a thing people said when they were relieved but he couldn’t help the weird, deer in the headlights stare that his face froze in.

Blinking, you raised your eyebrows at him questioningly when he didn’t make some crude comment about your chest brushing against his arm or shrug you off like he might have before.

And then you got this knowing, little mischievous look that reminds him far too much of Dabi for a split second before you pressed your face just an inch closer.

His eyes flicked down instinctively to your lips and his face burned when realized there was no way you didn’t see how he looked at you. Shockingly, despite the churning in his gut and the shaking in his legs, Tomura leaned forward just a bit too, working up enough scant courage to maybe close the gap. But then you started laughing?

It bubbled up quietly in your chest, more of a giggle than anything else.

You were laughing and shaking your head and his stomach fucking dropped to the ground and his face was on fire cause you were laughing and that meant he’d been fucking played like a goddamn fiddle but—

But then you gave him this faint smile and you weren't laughing anymore, because you were kissing him.

You were fucking kissing him.

Which, while yes he had set out to have this be the end goal of the night, he hadn’t actually believed it would ever happen. He’d never felt it in his bones like he thought he was supposed to.

And holy shit your lips were so soft??

So soft and smooth with no cool, sharp metal poking or pulling at the splits on his. It was like fucking crack, or what he imagined crack might be like with the way your mouth just glided against his. It was so easy to follow you, which was good cause he didn’t have a goddamn clue what he was doing for the most part. But you made it feel simple, and you even ran your tongue over the little scar that bisected his lips in this painfully adorable way that had Tomura pitching a tent in his pants like lightning.

God and when you pulled back and just enough to look at him again:

It was like every one of those cutesy, shojo manga suddenly made sense. The panels where the main characters look at each other and flowers bloom off the fucking page while they stare with those dark, hungry eyes—

Yeah.

Yeah he got it now.

And he was gonna ride that wave while he had it. So Tomura steeled himself and surged forward, grabbing both your arms and smashing his face much less gracefully against yours. He stood and you straightened with him, that same half giggle slipping out in the gaps where your lips parted on his as he clacked your teeth together and pulled back at the jarring sting.

“Eager are we?” you had that stupid smile on your face again but he honestly didn’t care anymore if it was an act or if your face really just looked like that with no fucking ulterior motive.

“Shut up,” he muttered, trying to catch your lips again and you mercifully let him.

Tomura nearly fucking came in his pants when you licked into his mouth and oh fucking god he really could taste the gum and that loud ass shit you were always drinking. Dabi was right, this was a fucking miracle.

Did other people always taste this good or was it just you?

He responded enthusiastically to say the least, sucking your tongue into his mouth and letting out a choked little noise when you prodded the back of his teeth. The movement of your legs, pulling him back towards the bed went mostly unnoticed until he felt himself tipping forward, landing with a thump on top of you as you both tumbled onto his mattress.

Tomura’s lips wondered boldly down your throat, smelling the soap or lotion or whatever the hell made you so fucking baby smooth compared to him and he actually growled into your nape when you laughed again.

“God, what the fuck is so funny?” he sounded muffled from where he was tonguing at the fleshy joining of your neck and shoulder.

“Sorry, sorry,” you pressed your lips against the peeling crown of his head and that alone made up for the interruption, “I’m just basking in the glory of being right.”

“About?” Tomura nipped at your skin once before lifting his chin to rest on your sternum.

“I just always thought you were sorta into me, but it was hard to tell cause you’re so quiet about that kinda thing.”

“....oh,” he didn’t really have an argument for that so he didn’t try to fight you.

“Did you think I didn’t notice all the convenient excuses to touch me or like the fact that you’re mean as shit to everyone else but me?" you asked not unkindly as you stroked a hand through his hair, frizzy from being left to air dry. “I also got the vibes you thought I was a slut anyway and it wasn’t super clear if that was a turn on or not.”

He cringed a bit at the blatant way you acknowledged all ruder inner monologues about your character.

“Well, I did a bit initially,” Tomura glanced off to the side, suddenly finding the chipping paint much more fascinating. God he really wanted to get back to the good stuff. “But I don’t now…”

“Oh no,” you cupped his face, running a thumb against the cracked skin on his cheeks and didn’t cringe when the drying skin flaked onto your shirt, “that was a pretty astute assumption.”

“Uh, what?”

He felt his draw drop and you dipped your thumb past his front row of teeth, toying with the pooling saliva.

“All the better for you though,” you continued dragging his chest against yours so he could feel your nipples through his shirt, “cause that just means I know how to show you a good time, and I get the feeling you’ve never had that happen before.”

You punctuated your words with roll of your hips against the fucking iron rod in his pants. The noise that left Tomura was inhuman.

He thought back to the day you got partnered with him. How he thought it would be a fucking nightmare and Tomura wanted to let the record show that he officially retracted that statement. This was in no uncertain terms, actually a wet dream come true and he was sure Dabi would never fucking believe him unless he walked through the door right now.

“That works,” he stuttered around the finger in his mouth and you reared up to wrap your legs around his waist.

Your lips found his again and he hummed in approval only cut off as you rolled so he was laying back and looking up. When you pulled back, he shivered at the way you raked your nails over his chest.

“So, you gonna tell me how much of a disgusting whore you think I am?”

[afriendlyblackhottie]

I do get that social media has changed the way things are for kids and the things young girls especially see. I would never deny that. But. To say girls aren’t going through a preteen phase because of what you see explorative parents do what they’ve always done on social media and because gIrLs ArEnT sAaViNg Up To BuY ClOtHeS fRoM jUsTiCe, is nonsense.

They’re not saying anything more then what they’ve said about us. I got called a slut for getting boobs at ten. Somehow it keeps being on the girls for their tastes changing and maybe not giving a shit about a high priced ass store when you can get the same shit at Walmart isn’t doing anything to solve any kind of problem with all the adults around that keep condoning the behavior of other shitty adults.

But then you guys go oh well that was different. These stars didn’t do this or they’re too much and yeah while I agree they’re not saying anything more than then they said about Trina, Lil Kim, and they’re still saying it about Beyoncé. Because it doesn’t matter how the female body is presented. From the moment we’re born, body parts that we don’t even have yet are seen as obscene. I developed faster than most girls my age and for some reason that was also my fault. Like I had to be uncomfortable because got forbid the world saw that I had boobs.

But boys of all ages get to walk around shirtless. TI’s son gets congratulated for having s*x as minor, his nineteen year old daughter gets her hymen checked to make “sure she’s still a virgin” and isn’t allowed to ride a bike so that it stays intact. Even though he’s been told that it is not how our bodies even work.

And it makes me sad. Because we keep falling into this cycle. Shaming girls when we need to hold adults in check for the creepy shit they do. As if we all didn’t wanna grow up fast and didn’t understand that we should have been enjoying every minute.

Because first of all idk about all of you but I went through shitty things as a preteen. You know how different it could have been if instead of judgey, every adult woman had been supportive that my body was changing. That it should have been a time of my life to celebrate. To connect but instead I got told to cover up all the time as if I chose this.

One time I got sent out of class because my tank top straps were had been showing outside of my hoodie. The substitute teacher thought it was my bra strap. Like I was fucking twelve. Why does it even matter. Why was that more important than my education.

This shit isn’t new. Stop acting like it’s new. Like I’m sure Bill Cosby was saying this same kind of shit back when he was dr*gging and r*ping women.

And I know someone is going to be like oh well I had every very supportive females around me blah blah blah, good for you I guess 🤷🏾‍♀️

[aphrodite1288]

Ks has been receiving love calls since he was still in the army. He had already said that if he was asked to participate in a variety show, he would accept. He doesn't want his private life exposed is one thing, doesn't mean he doesn't want to be promoted. You are making excuses for the neglect, mistreatment and sabotage the career him

#Disclaimer: 1st of all that's going to be a long ass Post to reply to any asks like that, so I hope people would read everything and not just read half of it and go bark somewhere about something I said that I have explained later but y'all didn't reach it to read it! So read everything before making comments or sending me asks. I don't want to repeat what I said here. So read before coming at me and bombard me with asks about stuff I already discussed here in this answer!

Sis you barely even know anything of him now. He already started filming his movie in June and finished filming his MV in late May or early June and you knew nothing about it 💁🏻‍♀️ coz if he really wanted to share that with y'all he would have mentioned it in his bubble or at least we would have seen him outside in the set. BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO 🤷🏻‍♀️ HE doesn't want y'all to know, and don't tell me "coz SM is locking him up in the basement" that's why he can't breath and write you in bubble?? Heck! He even comes sometimes just to tell us about the weather or to drop a song and never mentioned about anything else about his life or his schedule. Normally all the members update about them going into their schedules but without revealing the content of the schedule coz that's the rules, but at least we get a pic or two of them heading to their schedules! To know that they're jobless! Heck Sehun is jobless now but we see him more than we see Ksoo who's extremely busy with a drama a movie and a debut and album preparations and promotion preparation! But Ksoo doesn't want that! He doesn't want y'all to know things about his life or what he does, or where he goes 🤷🏻‍♀️ That's why his fans and Fansites are so secretive and don't share anything, UPON HIS REQUEST. And to respect his extreme private character.

If he wanted he would have accepted Variety shows darling. He is busy filming a drama and a movie and making a debut and an album and preparing for promotions. Do you think he is free to be on Variety now? Even if he was asked , he can't now. Maybe later after or during his debut to promote for his album yeah, But definitely not now. Yes he had opportunities and he refused them coz he's busy. And maybe we would see him in the future but he is not into reality shows that much. Now he is focusing on his acting career and singing career relatively. As he is still not built as a solo artist yet to start a new journey for building a variety character and image for himself now. But maybe after his debut. Hopefully 🙇🏻‍♀️🕯️🕎

Sis he is busy, booked and he doesn't like being in the lights. He said it himself he had trauma in the past that left scars on him and affected his behavior with his own fans that's why he said he is distant from them.

Stop making me look like I hate Kyungsoo. This account is MAINLY and ONLY about HIM and Ji 💁🏻‍♀️ do you think I'd bother make an acc about him and talking about him 25/8 if I hated him 🤦🏻‍♀️

Fans don't want to admit their idol don't like interacting much with them 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's the truth. He likes his job but not the fans and sasaengs and aeygo part of it. He said it himself, he even thought of quitting Many times, as he found that he isn't FITTING into this idol world.

There's something u need to know, SM only wants to renew with Ksoo and Chan and Ji and Baek and mainly KSOO and Baek. So he is not sabotaged he is favored in the company. It's just that he doesn't like working with sM anymore! and he is enjoying his acting career and idol life while being locked up in the studio and movie sets without fans mobbing him and following him everywhere. If it wasn't for Hongki we would never know that Ksoo started filming and making his album and blah blah. Yes Ksoo doesn't like talking much to the fans and he isn't the type of idols to share everything about his life and everything he does.. with his fans. As he does his job as a real job and he enjoys it. I sometimes doubt that ksoo is the one writing in bubble 💭 except for the song recommandations maybe. 🤔

If he wanted he would have sent y'all pics of himself in Bubble like how all the members do but HE DOESN'T WANT TO 💁🏻‍♀️ Now go blame SM on that too.

I was always told that Ksoo said he wished he was a professional actor and singer but to not be famous! He said he wishes to be known for his talents and to do his job that he loves so much but to not famous at the same time 😂 which is impossible btw. He said he hates fame. He wishes he could do the job he loves so much but without the whole interacting and fame and spotlights part of it. I was told that. Since very long ago and I was sad at first to hear that. But after seeing Kyungsoo enjoying his privacy and not being mobbed and respected by his fans, I was extremely happy. Heck you can rarely hear anything about him or see any pics of him from his fans coz they keep everything to themselves coz I was told that that's what Kyungsoo wants and they keep his life private and never share anything about him- I was so happy to see him do what he likes the way he likes it in complete privacy.

We rarely hear he was out with someone for a meal but when we do, it's years after it happened 😂 or with no pics at all. Like how he met Zico and they were both at the studio maybe collaborating. But we didn't get any pics from his solo stans and Fansites not even Exol. Cuz they know he doesn't like it when things about him get exposed .

Like we rarely saw any pics of him outside not before military nor after. And this been happening for years now since debut (I mean the issue of rarely getting updates and pics about him in the streets or restaurants or hanging out with friends) wdym SM is putting him in the dungeon for once debut?? No! Sorry he was the most promoted member and the first one to start a solo career as an actor ONLY 2 years after his debut when he was still a rookie, he has always been the most promoted among all the members even before Jongdae and Baekhyun ! 🤷🏻‍♀️

To put it up in another way: Ksoo doesn't like working with sM anymore and all the members too as they're all now going to leave and not renew so they mostly accept few of the projects suggested to them to make profit from them and stay active in the lights in the mean time before they decide what to do later. So they will not risk taking big opportunities with big companies or shows and sign big-long term-contracts for a long period with big acting or variety companies coz they can't do much projects now in the name of SM since the contract is nearing its expiration, so as long as they r still labeled as SM ARTISTs and still under SM contract so SM would still take their fair share of the profits, So since their contract is nearing its end..they can't do big projects that require long period of time such as accepting deals for long term positions in a show such as "Official MCs" or "Fixed cast member in a show that would last for years" or to "sign with an acting company coz most of them have the bare minimum for a contract is 3 years i guess (idk i don't remember) or to sign with any company that obliges a long-term contract " etc.. coz SM would still take their profit even after they leave as the contract was signed with those companies when Exo's contract with sm was still on. And that's the last thing they want.. is after leaving your shitty company, they would still take profits from you.

Also most companies don't suggest you big and long term projects when your contract with your company is nearing its end! That's why most if the members now are jobless only getting few short-termed projects, Coz these companies are not only working with the idol BUT they're working with their company as well. As it's the one who decides most of the the idols opportunies and decisions and does everything for them.

So if you don't like the truth and don't like to hear things that don't go along with your fantasies about your Oppa then that's not my problem 🤷🏻‍♀️ Go Fix it .

And I hope you won't drop Ksoo after discovering something about him that you didn't like to admit he has 💁🏻‍♀️ he doesn't like yall to know things about him and he doesn't like interacting with his fans that much through social media. He has a private IG and if he wanted to talk to y'all he would have made a public one but he doesn't 🤷🏻‍♀️ just like Jongdae! And they are free and we should respect their decision! Jongdae Chose his private life over fans and trust me he is so happy with his wife and daughter and i saw them with my own eyes. He is enjoying his privacy and he is caring less about what haters are saying or if fans are disappointed.

You should get used from now on to the feeling that your bias doesn't want your nose always in his life and doesn't always want you to know everything about him and doesn't want to show himself up in programs and projects he doesn't want to do just COZ YOU WANT TO SEE HIM THERE. Also Make it in your heads that your bias private life and his close people are 1000 better than being with you all the time and satisfying your requests and fantasies💁🏻‍♀️

Respect and understand that your idol doesn't always want you to know everything about them and if your Oppa likes to be introvert and private you should respect that ! instead of complaining 25/8 on Bubble and twitter and IG about wanting to see him.

Be like Korean Exol they see Ksoo they meet him all the time they photograph him yet they never share anything or if they do it's after a long time, just coz they respect him and they know how private he is and how he hates his info and pics of him enjoying his day being exposed all over the internet. That's why we rarely get updates about Ksoo from OPs. And even if you beg them to buy his pics and updates they won't give u anything. That's why sasaengs always say they can't get anything about ksoo coz it's very hard as he is a very private person and his info are the hardest and most expensive to get.

Remember in the first half of 2019? When he disappeared for 6 months straight and never updated one word about himself and we were so worried and though he was leaving? He didn't even come out to deny the departure rumors it was SM who did, instead when we were all scares he was leaving and we haven't heard anything of him and were dying of concern, he was enjoying his cooking courses and applying for military and preparing for his position as a chef in military and going on vacation with his friends and squads and lover and chanyeol and you didn't know anything about him, you didn't hear one word from him! (Except for the pics with chanyeol at the airport and just coz chan was there if he wants tI doubt we would have got pics of ksoo at the airport leaving to japan) And he went straight to military after that with no update nor a goodbye Party nor anything! Just a plain letter in which he said he will enlist and after that he disappeared for 3 years (6 months before military and 1 year and a half of military and 7 months after discharge💁🏻‍♀️) Heck He even went and told the member that he will enlist without hesitation coz he is like that and members said they were shocked when he came and said he is enlisting all of a sudden like he just told them he was going to play football or something 🤷🏻‍♀️ He didn't want to make a goodbye party for his enlistment like how XIUMIN did, and why again? for the same goddam reason 🤷🏻‍♀️ don't you ask yourself why we rarely get any news about him 🤔 it's COZ HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW. 😂

After his discharge we heard he went along with Park shinhye and his Hyung actors squad to play golf together right after his discharge (in January 25th) , in February but we got no pics 💁🏻‍♀️ Why? Same reason🤷🏻‍♀️ everyone in korea knows Ksoo doesn't like coming out of the closet and expose himself to the public and interact with FANS and haters and obsessed fans and sasaengs.

KSOO WAS TRAUMATIZED BY FANS and SASAENGS AND IF YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO HIM AND WHAT HE SUFFERED YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND HIS LACK OF INTERACTION WITH FANS and you WOULD GIVE HIM EXCUSE. HE CAN'T HELP IT! He tried so hard to get over this issue but couldn't. HE LOVES HIS FANS BUT HE CAN'T INTERACT WITH THEM PROPERLY AND HE APOLOGIZED ABOUT THAT A LOT! So please understand him.

Sometimes it's not always the company sometimes it's the idol himself who wants some SPACE. Maybe A LOT of space 😂 in Ksoo's case.

I'm not making excuses for the sabotage and Mistreatment, I'm showing you the Kyungsoo that you probably don't know.

We can't judge SM mistreatment to him now as he is not active now, but once his album is dropped that's when we would see and we could judge if they treat him well or not. And i hope his album would get all the promotions his talents deserve.

[akookminsupporter]

I understand what anon talking about the hate receives and BH + the band’s attitude towards it meant.

It is a bit frustrating indeed, to say the least, that BH hasn’t take more measures to prevent those kind of behavior already, but I think they probably struggle to deal with it when it comes from people outside of SK? I don’t know really I’m no law expert, but I’ve still seen people on Twitter discussing that they’re still a few known hate blog towards Jimin going on, in Korea, and BH doesn’t do anything about it so... yeah, why? As for content like the infamous Taekook-lies channel, I think the problem is that if they start digging into shipping content, it’s gonna be a never ending task... and how do you determine who generate hate, who doesn’t? I’ve seen a few Taekook-lies videos and that girl is really clever, she never says anything hateful directly (i could be wrong though, I coudn’t watch more than 2-3 videos, it’s just unbearable to watch), she let her minions make the conclusions on her own. I still think they could take her channel down but again, she’s not Korean, so I guess it’s not that easy? And honestly I think the company isn’t really willing to interfere in any type of shipping content.

Now about the members themselves I think I get what anon was saying. Ngl I thought it myself. If the members are well aware of the hate Jimin receives daily, why do they never address it? Could be a rule they have, to not interfere with haters, fandom/shipping wars. Ignorance is bliss, don’t we say? Imo it would be really tricky to start mingling with the haters. It’s not their role, and I don’t think they want to highlight the negativity.

Also I don’t think anon was expecting Jimin to address it himself? I didn’t understand their message that way. it’s certainly not his role either here, as you said he’s the victim. But I do understand anon’s questioning regarding Jungkook’s behavior, I guess they were maybe expecting to him to be less stoic regarding Jimin in order to show those hateful shippers that they’re in the wrong? Cause it’s indeed always the same pattern, them throwing hate towards Jimin saying he’s making Jungkook uncomfortable (seriously, the stupidity...), that he’s too clingy blah blah blah. But again, as you said, why would it be the members’ role to change their behavior? People are making assumptions and refusing to connect their 2 brain cells, most of us are well aware Jungkook loves Jimin very deeply (regarding the nature of their relationship), why would he have to prove that? + I honestly don’t think they are that much aware of what crazy shippers from the international part of the fandom say, they certainly keep on eye on fan content on social media but I’m not sure they take the measure of the problematic mindset certain shippers have. I could be wrong. And again I guess they have rules not to mingle with shippers wars and all, it’s more of a company problem in my opinion. That being said, I wouldn’t be surprised if Taehyung shut someone off as he did with his famous « get out of your imagination » line. But yeah, sorry for the rant my message is a bit of a mess, but overall I don’t think it’s the members’ role to address it, but I wish some measures could be done cause it’s really painful to see all the shitty things that are said about Jimin :(

Yes, BHM can do a lot more on a local level so the fact that they don't seem to do something is problematic, on an international level it is much more complicated. For example tkk lies, one way they could stop them would be with copyright complaints but they were once suspended and after a review apparently BHM said they found nothing. As you said they don't say anything directly bad against Jimin as far as I understand, they imply it and his followers understand it. So that's difficult?

I honestly don't know if Junkook saying anything would do any good, Tae did it and it didn't do any good. But I don't know.

I think one way they have said something is through actions. Look at what happened after the last 3 concerts in seoul, the hashtags that were trending in south korea, the emails that were reportedly sent to BHM etc., Jimin and Jungkook didn't change their behaviour, they kept interacting in the same way. I think that was a way of responding without actually having to respond.

It will be interesting to see what will come out in Memories 2020.

[verai-marcel]

Corrections - Outline

I got a ton of backstory for the Corrections/Prisoner AU storyline. 

Find the entire series in order here on AO3.

Spoilers below!

Fresh out of high school in Texas, Arthur was a small time thief, while working maintenance at a local farm, doing minor construction work and equipment repairs. After a year of that, he drifted from town to town, doing odd jobs, making ends meet somehow, though some times were leaner than others. A man named Dutch found him in Las Vegas one day, and gave him a job at a BDSM club called Free & Brave, said that he’d be a good fit there.

That’s where he meets the gang.

Dutch = Owner, Dom

Hosea = General manager

Susan = Operations manager, Domina (part time)

Tilly = Planning manager, Domina (part time)

Pearson = Head Cook

After Arthur joins, a few others join the gang:

Abigail = First Aid, Server, Domina (part time)

John = Bouncer, Switch

Charles = Bouncer, Cook

Javier = Musician, Switch

Karen = Hostess, Domina (once Susan retires from doing it)

Mary Beth = Dungeon Mistress, Educator

Sean = Host, Server, Educator

Strauss = Rentals/Reservations, Inventory, Accountant

Swanson = Marketing, Social Media

Uncle = Cleaner, mostly a gofer

BIll = Bouncer

Lenny = Server, Switch (in training)

Micah = Bouncer

Sadie = Assistant Manager/Domina (highly ranked, she had reservations for months)

During Arthur’s 10 years working at the club, he finds love with two women who used to frequent the clubs, but for both of them, it was just a phase, whereas Arthur truly is a Dominant (though he never does it in the club; he just learned about it from his coworkers). Eliza just got bored with him after a while and left; Mary tried to get him to stop, and just eventually left him too when he told her it was who he was.

Also, since Arthur joined pretty early, he becomes Security manager, and is in charge of making sure security is ship tight. Meaning…. He has managerial experience.

The club runs pretty well for a while, with the gang forming a strong family bond running the place. But after a while, profits seem to be disappearing, even though they seem to be as popular as ever. Arthur & Charles find out that Strauss has been funnelling money to a separate account somewhere, when they overhear Micah talking on the phone. Micah’s been trying to get evidence that this was a front for the Van der Linde family, a mafia organization in the next city over. Arthur & Charles, realizing that all the shady characters that they’ve been ordered to let into the club recently by Hosea were probably mafia members, start getting some of the others to find another job; only Lenny, Mary Beth, Tilly, John, & Abigail listen. They can’t convince the others, and Bill & Javier kind of turn on them, so they finally bail, and together, they move one state over.

Charles & Arthur are roommates for a while, until Arthur goes and tries to steal back his tools from a house owner who just kept them after Charles & Arthur finished building a wall for him, and gets caught, goes to jail, blah blah, you know the rest. Because Arthur got transferred to a larger facility half a state over, Charles moves with him, finding work quickly in the nearest small city and waits for Arthur to get out; this place is cheaper so he can afford his own place, and knows Arthur can too. Arthur lives in apartment #305; Charles lives in #403.

Meanwhile, since Javier stuck around, turning a blind eye, he eventually saw Strauss being hauled out by the feds, and everyone else was being questioned by the police and the FBI. Most people didn’t know about the ties to the Van der Linde syndicate, so they were let go. Hosea, Dutch, and Susan were all held in custody. Javier, feeling like an idiot for blindly trusting in Dutch, disillusioned, works in a restaurant for a couple of years while being forced to stay in town because of the investigation.

Remembering the fond times with Arthur and Charles, he messages Lenny & John, finally getting a message from John about where they left. John wouldn’t have told him anything, except that Javier had written that he wanted to apologize to Arthur & Charles, so he relented and told him where they were.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Timeline

Year -10 = Arthur joins club

Year -8 = Javier joins club

Year -5 = Charles joins club

Year 0 - Club breaks down

Year 1, Month 1 - Arthur gets arrested

Year 1, Month 2 - Arthur & PG!Reader get together (Part 1)

Year 1, Month 7 - Arthur is released from prison

Year 1, Month 8 - (Part 2)

Year 1, Month 9 - (Part 3)

Year 1, Month 10 - (Part 4)

Year 1, Month 11 - Charles & Vet!Reader get together (Part 5)

Year 1, Month 12 - (Parts 6-10)

Year 2, Month 1 - (Part 11-12)

Year 2, Month 2 - Javier comes into town, reunites with Barista!Reader (Part 13), Arthur proposes to Prison Guard!Reader (Part 14)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Readers - Back Story

Vet - She had a really shitty ex who forced himself on her once, then she ditched him for good. When he shows up again, to try to get her to come back to him, Prison Guard friend shows up and defends her.

Prison Guard - Back when she was a little kid, she had been tied up and left in a closet as a prank; it made her a bit wary of being tied up. She can fight, she can scrap, she lifts weights, is basically a badass. But the moment she’s completely tied up, she does panic a bit.

Barista - She used to work at a grocery store in the same city as the club, was addicted to it, to the point where she started to stay out too late and be a wreck at her job; she eventually loses her job due to making too many mistakes, and decides she needs to start her life over and get away from the addiction. She has an issue with chasing a certain kind of pleasure, and no lover has ever made her feel like Javier does, which is a problem for her, because it wasn’t real… yet. She wants to be a writer, but ends up wasting time and never truly gets any writing done (mood)

[thearvariblues]

The Bard And The Wolf - Chapter Seven

(AKA Geraskier in the Metal Band AU you didn’t know you needed)

AKA me desperately trying to catch up my Tumblr with what’s already been posted to AO3. ;)

The masterpost for this fic can be found HERE.

7 – You Stop This, Jaskier

All eyes turned to the door when Jaskier entered the rehearsal room, a big paper cup of coffee in one hand, a paper bag in the other.

“Fifteen minutes late with Starbucks,” Renfri smirked.

“I have two things to say to that, dear heart,” Jaskier said, taking a sip of his coffee. “First, I’m merely three minutes late. And second, I would never ever in my life set foot in a place as wretched as Starbucks, so don’t ever accuse me of something so horrible again!”

“Did you stop for a coffee or not, Jask?” Geralt chuckled.

“No. I stopped for something to eat. The coffee was an afterthought.”

He placed the cup on a little table next to the couch, sat down right next to Geralt and reached into the paper bag, pulling out a big sandwich which he immediately took a big bite of.

“Wow. Your night must have been really taxing,” Lambert laughed.

“Is Ciri around?” Jaskier mumbled.

“She’s walking Roach,” Geralt said.

“Good. In that case, my dears, I can tell you that my night was exquisite. I spent most of it in the middle of a very lovely, well… sandwich. Our fans really do get enthusiastic after a good show!” he grinned, but then he frowned. “Wait, who’s Roach?”

“What do you mean, who’s…” Renfri blinked. “Oh, of course, you haven’t met her yet. Roach is Geralt’s dog. Technically, she’s Roach number two.”

“Oh,” Jaskier said. “Right.”

“She’s a husky,” Eskel added.

“Of course she is. And… She’s coming here with Ciri?” he beamed.

“Yeah. In a few minutes,” Geralt nodded. “But don’t touch Roach. She doesn’t trust strangers. I adopted her a few months ago when Roach number one died. She wasn’t even one year old, but her life must have been really shitty before, so…”

“Poor little thing.”

“Yeah, she’s definitely not like Roach number one,” Renfri sighed. “That was such a sweet girl. This one is like a tornado.”

“But of course Geralt still adores her,” Eskel said.

“Yes. I seem to have a thing for totally unpredictable and crazy individuals,” Geralt smirked. “Jesus, Jask, are you seriously going to wolf down the whole thing? This must be the biggest sandwich mankind has ever seen. How does it even fit in your mouth?”

“Lots of practice.”

“Eating sandwiches?” Lambert said, cocking his eyebrow. “Or stuffing large things into your mouth?”

“The latter,” Jaskier grinned. “And stop giving me that look, Geralt. I’m hungry and I refuse to look like a starving bag of muscle like some of us do.”

“Some of us, Jaskier?” Geralt asked.

“Come on, I saw you getting dressed before the gig yesterday. I mean, yeah, big muscles, ripped body, it’s meant to be sexy, but it only means you should definitely eat more. A little layer of some nice, protective fat would do you good.”

“Don’t waste your breath,” Renfri muttered. “He keeps his body like that because Yennefer liked it.”

“I keep my body like that because I like it,” Geralt growled.

“Well, don’t mind me then,” Jaskier shrugged, getting another bite of his sandwich. “I just tend to like men who are strong and a little bit soft at the same time. Like Eskel here. But that’s just my problem. If you want to look like this, go on. Hey. Hey! That’s my sandwich!”

“You said I should eat more, didn’t you?” Geralt smirked, effortlessly wrestling Jaskier’s snack out of his hands.

“Yes, but I didn’t mean my sandwich, you ass!”

“Too bad,” Geralt said, biting into it. “Oh, this is delicious!”

“So glad you like it,” Jaskier muttered. “I’m hungry over here, you know?”

“Shut it. You already have that layer of nice, protective fat,” Geralt mumbled.

“Yeah, yeah. Didn’t use to, you know?” Jaskier sighed, grabbing his coffee. At least something to soothe his hunger. “I used to be really thin. Always hungry. Because Valdo always used to tell me Oh, Julian, look, those tight pants would look so nice on you, too bad you’re not a size smaller. Oh, Julian, sweetie, look a this guy’s thighs, they don’t even touch each other, isn’t that beautiful? Julian, is that a tiramisu? Yeah, it’s a fucking tiramisu, you ass, and I’ll have as much as I want. Ugh. Can’t believe I wasted two years of my life with that bitch.”

A complete silence fell in the rehearsal room and Jaskier suddenly saw everyone was staring at him with mouths agape.

“I’m sorry,” Lambert finally said, after a few long moments. “Did you say Valdo?”

“Mhmf,” Jaskier muttered, trying to hide his face behind his coffee cup.

“As in Valdo Marx?” Eskel specified.

“Might have,”Jaskier peeped.

“Are you telling us that you dated fucking Valdo Marx for two years?!” Renfri yelled. “And you starved yourself for him?!”

“We broke up three years ago!” Jaskier said, throwing his arms open and nearly knocking the sandwich out of Geralt’s hand. “I was an idiot, okay? I thought I was glad to have found him, thought no one would be ever able to love the real me, blah blah blah. Took me way too long to realize I was being a total idiot and break up with him. He’s hated me ever since and my mother’s yet to speak to me again.”

“Your mother?” Eskel frowned.

“She thought Valdo and I would get married, adopt a kid and I would become a perfect housewife for him,” Jaskier sighed.

“Wow. She doesn’t know you at all, does she?” Renfri chuckled.

“Not in the slightest, honey.”

Lambert shook his head.

“Honestly, I’m still trying to process that someone like you would spend two years fucking that insufferable prick. Valdo Marx. Fuck.”

“Could we maybe stop discussing Valdo fucking Marx?” Geralt grunted. “Has anyone read the reactions to the gig yet? Because I haven’t.”

“Yes. Thank you, my lovely white wolf. Absolutely. Let’s focus on the reviews, because I kind of haven’t had the time yet to...”

The door swung open and a large husky came barging in, heading straight for the couch.

“Roach! Stop!” Ciri yelled behind the dog.

Roach stopped in front of Geralt, sniffed at his sandwich, and then turned her head to Jaskier.

The bard, remembering that the dog didn’t like strangers, avoided her eyes and merely offered her his hand. The next thing he knew, he had a massive dog in his lap and a wet nose was enthusiastically sniffing at his face.

He yelped when a broad tongue licked his nose.

“What was it you said about her not liking strangers?”

“I’ve never seen her do anything like this before, I swear!” Geralt chuckled, taking a coffee cup from Jaskier’s hand so it wouldn’t spill. “Roach, get down. Bad girl.”

The dog gave a tiny, desperate whine.

“I said get down,” Geralt repeated.

Roach turned her body to Geralt, eyed his sandwich and whined again.

“What did we say about begging for food?”

She lowered her head and looked pleadingly at her owner.

“Oh, I love her already,” Jaskier laughed. “Will love her even more when she stops crushing my crotch. Hi, Ciri, by the way.”

“Hi, Jaskier,” the girl replied. “Sorry, dad. I didn’t think she would do that. Where did you get the sandwich?”

“Stole it. Shamelessly!” Jaskier huffed. “Geralt, your dog is heavy as hell, you know it?”

“Roach. Get. The fuck. Down.”

Another whine.

“Oh, dear,” Jaskier chuckled. “Well, can someone at least read me those reviews and make me happy before I die?”

“Don’t you have your own phone?” Geralt asked.

“I do. In my pocket. Underneath your dog.”

“Right. Ciri?”

The girl already had the phone in her hand.

“On it.”

“Good,” Jaskier muttered. “And give me back my coffee, Geralt, because if you decide to steal that too, my chances of survival will grow even lower than they are now!”

“You really are such a drama queen, Jask…

*

“The Bard and the Wolf? What the hell is that?” Geralt frowned after the third (very positive) fan review of their gig. He had already finished Jaskier’s sandwich, and even managed to get Roach down from Jaskier’s lap. That seemed to be a mistake, as the dog clearly decided to hate him for that – judging by the fact that she was currently sitting on the floor by Jaskier’s leg and tapping his hand with her paw every time he had the audacity to stop petting her. She was completely ignoring Geralt’s very existence.

“Oh, that’s a new hasthtag. My creation,” Renfri said. “I needed to tag a pic with you two, and I thought of this...”

“What, instead of The Witcher and the Witch?” Lambert asked.

“And what’s that?” Jaskier asked before he could think better of it.

He should have expected the answer, of course.

“The hashtag people used to use for Geralt and Yennefer,” Eskel explained. “It was her character. A witch.”

“Oh, good,” Jaskier muttered. “Shouldn’t it have been The Witcher and the Bard, then?”

“Doesn’t have the same ring to it,” Renfri shrugged. “Besides, Geralt’s more of a Wolf, really.”

“True,” Jaskier nodded. “But to be honest, I don’t think it’s gonna stick.”

“You’re probably right,” Renfri nodded. “I’ve seen it used like… four times. But everyone calls you The Bard.”

“Perfect,” Jaskier grinned. “What do you think, Roach, isn’t it perfect? No, no, no! Roach! My coffee!”

He shrieked as the dog suddenly turned and jumped back onto his lap, knocking the cup out of his hand.

“Oh, dear, even dogs adore him,” Lambert sighed. “How is that fair?”

“Geralt!” Jaskier yelled. “Geralt, would you help me instead of fucking laughing?!”

“So sorry, dear heart,” Geralt chuckled. “But I think Roach has found her new favorite human.”

“I’m really glad to hear that! Oh, Geralt, you’re so gonna pay for this shirt!”

*

A few hours later, Jaskier was sitting on the couch in his living room, sipping wine and scrolling and scrolling and scrolling through his social media.

He knew he shouldn’t. He knew that it was narcissistic and, well, stupid. But he had to see. Had to convince himself that it hadn’t only been his imagination that afternoon.

He had to convince himself that yes, Kaer Morhen’s fans really did like his mad, cheeky, queer self. There were even a few who claimed that he was an improvement on Yennefer. An improvement! It was a dream come true.

He forced himself to stop and he put his phone down. Took a sip. Picked his phone back up.

He couldn’t help himself.

He gulped when he saw that Ciri had posted a new photo from the rehearsal room. A photo of Jaskier and Geralt sitting on the couch, with Roach on Jaskier’s lap. It must have been shortly after Roach knocked the coffee out of Jaskier’s hand, because Geralt was clearly laughing and Jaskier was just starting to.

Roach meeting @jaskierthebard for the first time. In case you couldn’t tell, she really hates strangers... #thebardandthewolf #andawolf #loveatfirstsight #husky #dogsofinstagram

Jaskier smiled and liked the post, and then kept looking at the picture a little longer.

He really loved Geralt’s expression there. It was so open, so happy and so damn beautiful.

Jaskier sighed, forced himself to put the phone down and closed his eyes, but he couldn’t stop himself from seeing the white haired man’s face.

“Oh no, oh no, oh no,” he whispered to himself. “You stop this, Jaskier. You stop this right now, because if you don’t, you’ll only get in trouble.”

He could stop his thoughts, yes. But he couldn’t stop his heart from beating a little faster.

*

Geralt knocked on his daughter’s door.

“Ciri, it’s eleven already. Lights out.”

He waited, but she didn’t answer, so he opened the door carefully.

The girl was asleep on her bed, dressed in her pajamas, with her laptop next to her.

Geralt took the laptop and the screen lit up. He stopped and blinked. Ciri had a new wallpaper – of Geralt, Jaskier and Roach in the rehearsal room.

He looked at the picture and smiled. He really had never seen Roach fall for someone so fast, but here she was, sitting on the bard’s lap, happy as ever.

And Jaskier…

Geralt shut the laptop and shook his head to clear it.

No. He wasn’t going to go there. No way.

He placed the laptop on a table, covered Ciri with a blanket and kissed her forehead.

“Good night, honey,” he whispered to her. “Sweet dreams.”

He turned off the light and closed the door behind himself.

Continue witch Chapter Eight

[imwoosexual]

The misinterpretations of Wooyoungs personality

This actually was going to be a response on another tumblr users blog but it ended up too long and I was only able to post the first paragraph so I thought “Might as well make my own account instead of being an anon on someones elses page.” A n y w  y, Okay I'm going to be frank this is going to be really long because they're so many accusations about Wooyoung's personality recently and I'm going to try to clear some things up. First and foremost I am a Wooyoung stan, so I'm sorry if I come off as defensive and being a Woo stan will mean I am biased. So before people spam saying, “Blah blah blah you’re so biased!” I admit I most likely will be biased. Also this is kind of a trigger warning but I will be talking about manipulation, emotional abuse, and eating disorders so you’ve been warned. I honestly don’t think many people will care about my opinion or will even read this but might as well get this out there. 

The first misinterpretation of Wooyoung's personality: Him being a manipulator. The exact definition of a manipulator is a person who controls or influences others in a clever or unscrupulous way. I’m not going to lie, I have seen some moments that can elude to the fact that Woo would be a manipulator but people assuming he's manipulating San or others 24/7 is very unrealistic. I am aware that San can come off as a person who can be very lenient and give others more chances they deserve. To others this can make them think he would be able to be manipulated, but I just don't see him as the type of person to let others walk over him. Let’s be real, San is an adult. San is surrounded by adults. If other adults see a problem with the way Wooyoung is treating San, they would intervene. Especially hongjoong since he is known to be the “dad”  of the group and would most likely make the two talk it out and show Wooyoung the error of his way. And before I get people saying, “But woo is only pretending to be nice in front of Ateez and is actually horrible to san in private”, these men are around each other almost 24/7. Eventually in the span of 2 years Wooyoung would have to slip up at least once. And even if this was the case San would most likely go to the others members for comfort and tell them what Wooyoung was saying/doing to him.

The second misinterpretation of Wooyoung's personality: Him being a shitty person in general. Do you really think if Wooyoung was a horrible person, he would have so many idol friends? And do you seriously think YEOSANG, out of everyone, would still be his friend after 6 years? Another anon talked about this but yeosang doesn't take bullshit from anyone. Especially Wooyoung. Even staff members Woo interacts with seem so fond and only say nice things about him. I just find it so unlikely that someone who has so many people saying nice things about him would be this horrible person. 

The third misinterpretation of Wooyoung’s personality: Him being cold in front of cameras. I feel like I shouldn't even have to explain this but it's so obvious that Wooyoung isn't thrilled about being in front of the camera 80% of the time. Woo himself said that he used to be scared being in front of Cameras. This is totally normal. Even if he got over his fear it would still be expected that he would still be somewhat uncomfortable in front of cameras. It doesn't help that pretty much everyone in Ateez for the most part seems comfortable in front of the camera. So of course Woo might come off as cold. What if you were uncomfortable being somewhere, where so many people were watching you live? You would most likely come off as cold. It’s just human nature tbfh.

Trigger warning! The fourth misinterpretation of Wooyoung’s Personality: His confidence that some people see as narcissistic or him being arrogant. I have no doubt in my mind that Wooyoung is a naturally confident person. But the members say he is also a very sensitive person. It doesn't matter how much confidence you have, your confidence can waver or even collapse if you keep seeing negative comments online. To me personally Wooyoung through this whole year has had his ups and down. For example in April to May he seems very down and not himself. This was when his diet and weight was talked about a lot in the community. Since Wooyoung has confirmed to look up his name on social media and is able to see all these comments saying, “He looks so skinny, I liked him more when he had thicker thighs'', “I hope he doesn't have an eating disorder, he lost so much weight” or “Finally he lost all his baby fat” it can definitely hurt even the most confident people's feelings and can dwindle their confidence. Even now after he got attacked by many saying he was so horrible to san, people accusing him of being an abuser, or people bringing a new light to his diet and self diagnosing himself with eating disorders can also hurt his confidence. As for arrogance I don't think he is arrogant and if he comes across as arrogant or narcissistic it's because of his persona. Wooyoung's on-screen persona is pretty much a sexy tease. Do I think he is sexy? Yes. Do I think he is a tease? Yes. But I do not think he is as much of a tease as we think he is. Woo himself has said he sees himself as average looking, and when asked who the most handsome members are he would say Yunho, Seonghwa, or Yeosang. If someone was narcissistic don't you think they would automatically say they were the most handsome. :p

That’s really it, I’m sorry if there are any spelling or grammatical errors I didn’t proofread it but yeah. That’s how I see this situation anyway.If you did read this thank you so much! It really does mean a lot. 

[facepalming-since-chernobyl]

Sumbission

Thanks for replying to my submission.  Funny thing, you took so long to do it that I thought you got sick of the topic and deleted it lol.  Which is cool.  If you’re tired of talking about it, feel free to delete this too.

Since you did reply though, I just want to reply to a few things.  I agree with Peggy that I don’t believe the writers hated Mon El for two years.  The Kreisberg excuse has no bearing on what happened to him.  Look, here’s an example: after the Harvey Weinstein debacle, do you think the writers/producers of his projects took their hate of him out onto his projects?  Why would they?  It makes no sense.

So why such a difference between s2 Mon El and s3 Mon El?  It’s not because they hated him, it’s because they’re shitty writers who got painted into a corner because of the Mon El hate and let it negatively affect what they did with him in s3,hence making a total fucking mess.  s2 Mon El wasn’t written like anyone hated him, he was spoiled but also funny, goofy and genuinely loving and along the way he evolved into a wannabe hero who fell in love and Kara fell back in love with him too.  What part of that seems like he written from writers who hated him?  Not only that, but you can’t blame it on Kreisberg being there either, he was a producer, not the writers, he didn’t write the scripts so you can’t say Kreisberg is why s2 Mon El was written like that.  I doubt Kreisberg stood over the writers and pointed a gun to their heads saying to write Mon El in that way or else.  The far more logical explanation to me is the writers wrote him that way because they planned to make him a hero and eventual endgame for Kara.  

So why s3 Mon El and the total pile of shit with the way he was written then?  Because not only did scs make their lives hell with the constant barraging of complaining, nastiness and hate, but they also got hate from Sanvers shippers and the moron “feminists” who screamed bloody murder at Kara getting ANY love interest, saying it made her weak, an anti-feminist, and all that BS.  A smart group of writers would’ve just rolled their eyes and kept on with their original plan [to make Mon El a hero and karamel endgame] and muted the bullies or better yet blocked them but these idiots writers literally believed with all the immensely vocal morons screaming over and over that that’s what all the fans wanted.  They tried to rehabilitate Mon El to placate the moron/bully trifecta - they fucked it up not because they hated Mon El but because they got painted into a corner and so came out their weak, shitty writing, not realizing instead of making Mon El look better to the bullies, they were actually making him look worse - and all they did was piss off karamel/Mon El fans but I can assure you that wasn’t their intention.  They didn’t realize the real hate of Mon El was ship-related and they thought the turgid mess that was s3 would make Mon El acceptable to the bullies, which of course it wasn’t acceptable to anyone.  In the end, who knows what happened?  Maybe they gave up and decided it wasn’t worth it to deal with the psychos and just wrote him off BADLY.  Or maybe Chris had had enough, decided to go.  Insert your favorite conspiracy theory here, Area 51 peeps need not apply.

Anyway, one last thing for people who think fans have no say in how a show is run, trust me, they’ve always had a say even back in the days when there was no social media.  Some writers listen more to fans than others but these days, everyone monitors the fan reactions on social media with every show.  There have been many shows who’ve basically kept characters around they never meant to JUST because they’re so popular with fans.  The actor playing the youngest kid from One Day at a Time basically took over all the storylines.  Steve Urkel in Family Matters was meant to be a one-time guest star, and he basically became THE star of the show.  When the writers realized Will on Alias was getting so much hate, they admitted in an interview they retooled the entire character because of it.  I remember the funniest comment of that era coming from an online fan who posted a huge rant about him online and ended it with the line that everyone quoted for a while “And BUY THE BOY A HAIRBRUSH!” (they were complaining about his hair).  But I digress.  And of course Felicity Smoak was never meant to be Oliver’s love interest either till she developed a fan following, I’m pretty sure Laurel Lance was supposed to be his initial endgame.  Point being, I don’t think Mon El was gotten rid of because of nothing but fan hate.  But I definitely do think it was a huge factor in how they ended up writing him in s3 and it’s also why they’ve gotten to the point where they’re afraid to even breathe a word of him now.  Anytime they do, the hyenas go batshit crazy.  And we all know how afraid of the hyenas they are, hence also why SG has become the Luthor hour now.  

Thanks again for putting up with another submission from me.   :)

**************************************************************************************

Yeah, sorry. As I said I’m on fence with this topic. One day I think that, the next this blah blah.

I guess I didn’t make myself clear. I don’t think they hated him because of AK, I think they just didn’t like his character as a whole, a frat boy from Daxam, LI for Kara instead of James etc. But the whole AK drama helped them. There was something about that they could not use AK’s ideas after they kicked him out. I have heard Legion was his baby (while Reign was Queller’s) and they had to changed things. And comparing Legion 3B storyline with 3A storyline – it makes absolutely no sense, there are missing parts, ignored things and simply dumb things – I think, personally, there is some germ of truth in it. Also, well AK was a face of Arrowverse and I don’t think he had at that time other projects. And he is not Weinstein (fuck him very much) league.

Well, they couldn’t have written him differently in s2, because they were supervised. Also, writers can’t openly write their characters like they hate them, because it’s not professional. No writer can admit that, it’s like a say sayonara to your career. We can talk about Dark Angel and Supernatural and about writers who hated characters. Small things. Like writing a dialogue about microagression that haters can twist. Also, you want to tell me executive producers just allow the writers to write anything they want? Plus, I need to check how many writers were changed between s 2 and 3 to have some, hmm, clearer picture.

And I think we didn’t understand each other. I don’t think s2 Mon-El was a problem or that he was written like writers didn’t like him. Problem started in s3. After AK left and Queller and Rowner got more power.

In s2 yes, but in s3 he was written as an end game bait. Imo.

The hate probably was the factor, but just one of many. The same goes for my “writers hated him and karamels”. I don’t think it was the only one possibility (did I sound like that earlier? Sorry).

We all know what fucking FANSERVICE is. It basically killed Teen Wolf and sooo many other shows. When writers and producers become fan’s bitches, you know show is going to drown in shit :’)

But you know, there is fanservice when people demand something JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING, and there is change in plan when something simply doesn’t work. There is fine line between fanservice and throwing away not working plan.

(They were hating on poor Will? Thank god I was not in the fandoms back then xD)

Anyway, all we do here is speculating. Basically I agree with you, just with different proportions. And we won’t know the truth. Maybe in 20 years when some of the writers will write autobiography :P

Thanks for the submission :D

[theemperorsfeather]

I’m so glad tomorrow is my “Friday,” cause I’m really just. Done.

TIL that it is possible, on FB, instead of leaving a 1-star review of a place you have issues with, to leave a “does not recommend” review.

How did I learn this?

By getting an email (to my work account) that “Jerky McJerkface does not recommend [blah blah blah],” complete with a biased-in-his-favor (unsurprisingly) account of the terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible experience he had yesterday, which ended with him yelling at my coworker and storming off in a huff, because she was not authorized to give him what he wanted (”Do you really want to lose a GOOD CUSTOMER” or bullshit to that effect), and he didn’t “want to wait” for the perennials he’d bought last year to finish waking up from dormancy (these details entirely omitted from his review). He misrepresented her inaccuracy in telling him what our guarantee policy is as going back on her word (first she’d said there was a guarantee; then she checked with someone else, out of Mr. Jackass’ sight, and then went and told him what she COULD do), or some such rubbish.

SO ANYWAY because the fucking social media bullshit is “my job,” I forwarded this message from FB to my boss and asked what he wanted me to do about it. I told him all I witnessed was the jackass yelling at my coworker and leaving in a huff.

He called and wanted to talk to me, because I . . . witnessed practically nothing? IDK why he wanted to talk to me, really. I told him what I recalled of the situation. *shrug* I think he then called my coworker (who was on one of her days off, and probably THRILLED BEYOND IMAGINING at having to discuss the situation, on her day off).

No further word from him on how to respond, and we can’t just delete the bullshit from the company page, so, IDK. If we often got really positive reviews it would be less concerning, but it’s been a year since we got anything . . . and the last one, almost 1 year ago, was also a (misrepresentational) complaint. GOOD TIMES.

ALSO I asked one of the seasonal staff to not do something that was causing problems for us in other areas and got bad attitude and total lack of interest in cooperation and “I’m not /trying/ to be difficult!” and “I’m not going to do THAT!” and I just. ...

It’s small comfort that I am not the only person /really frustrated/ with this person.

It’s excruciatingly hard for me to ask anyone I don’t know well to respect any kind of boundary, partly because that stuff is just /hard/ but also because I’ve been very annoyed, and I do NOT want that annoyance to turn into shitty (i.e. mean) communication on my part and I feel like I have no ability to measure when I’m being reasonable and when I’m being a complete asshole.

AND THEN our newest coworker (not seasonal) was like, “Well I have some extra [stuff] at home, I can just bring it in,” because part of the issue is a lack of [stuff] in multiple places, and no. Do Not. Do Not reward this bad behavior by Seasonal Can’t-Follow-Through-On-Too-Many-Tasks-And-Then-Gets-Pissy-With-Us and ALSO, like, the company should PAY for these things, right?? (It’s very inexpensive [stuff]. And I mean. Yes, it would be nice to have in multiple locations but, uhhhhh, up until this season it has not been An Issue like it is with this year’s Seasonal Problem.)

I feel bad about it. A lot of her speech mannerisms really grate on my nerves and that’s independent of frustration with whether or not she’s getting her tasks done and raising stress for the people who are counting on her, and I’m not the only one. Also, I don’t like being in a position where I feel like I have to often correct someone’s behavior or risk it becoming a bigger problem, and I don’t like the vibe that she’s being collectively considered “worst seasonal hire” for the year, because I think it’s unfair in a lot of ways, even if it is also objectively true. (One of my other coworkers was on the edge of tears last week because one of the -other- seasonal staff “can’t be kept on task” and this coworker is SUPER overworked and really needs people helping her who won’t go off on weird tangents and leave big projects. Unfortunately, these 2 seasonal staff often gravitate towards each other and end up talking a lot and being distracted from their work and . . . )

Oh, spring at the garden center; it’s the most WONDERFUL time of the year.

[4evrmore]

Another life update, I guess?

whew a lot going on here

- so my work fired me. startup problems. i’ve loved working for startups but it’s difficult. when it’s good it’s great but when the company struggles it affects you directly. two weeks ago they told me that my position wasn’t in the budget for the company and it’s been a lot of bs tbh but what can ya do

- it sucks but at the same time this wasn’t my dream job and there wasn’t really a solid path for growth. and i wasn’t passionate about it. my problem lately has been that the jobs i’m qualified for, i’m realizing i’m not interested in those at all. i’ve sort of narrowed it down and i want to do something i really care about. and i’ve decide the things i care about are women’s issues, lgbtq+ stuff, mental health, and dog rescues/shelters. so i’m focusing on that and trying to figure out how to do life and get a job i actually care about

- dating is exhausting. but i think i’ve finally, finallyyyyy come to terms that i’m gay. everything is falling into place when it comes to figuring out my sexuality which has been such a process for so long. i love girls. i’m so excited for pride this month and i think i might come out on social media. i’ve drafted up posts but i’ve always chickened out when it comes to publishing. but i think i finally feel comfortable and ready. i’m also sick of being hit on by guys and having to come out to strangers when i don’t feel ready. i think it’ll feel good to just put it out there

- i decided to cut back on drinking, like cut way back. i realized i’m too old for this shit, being hungover is the worst and it’ll affect me for the whole day. it’s not worth it

- i got a personal trainer and i workout with him 3 days a week. he’s this little 21 year old hottie bro dude but he’s amazing. so we train weights 3 days and then i’ve been going and doing cardio on my own an additional 1-2 days a week. it feels amazing. i lost 7 pounds in the past month and i’m starting to not hate my body. i have a long way to go but i feel hopeful and seeing progress makes it all feel worth it

- i found a psychologist i love. i went to one lady and she didn’t get it. i’d talk and she’d be like, “oh, thats... unique”. and no it really isn’t. i mean maybe my issues are a little different but it kind of hurt to be like, not understood, by a professional... whose job it was to understand me? but i did some more research and found a pansexual lady whose married to a woman and damn. our sessions are just like a normal conversation you’d have with a friend. i can tell her how i’m feeling and she’ll be like, oh, it’s like- blah blah blah, and i’m like, YES, that’s exactly how it is. she puts my crazy messed up thoughts and life into words that make sense. it feels amazing to have that

- i’m getting another tattoo in two weeks!! months ago i knew i wanted another, and i started researching fine line tattoo artists in LA. i found this guy daniel stone who is an incredibly talented artist. like recently he tattooed lady gaga. he wasn’t superrrrr famous but had a lot of like idk, b-list celebrity clients? so i emailed him and his wait list was like 9 months out. but i decided it’s a tattoo, it’s on my body for my entire life. what’s a few months? and as you’d imagine he’s really expensive. his minimum was $400... like for the tiniest little line. but again i decided it’s something that’s on my body forever. if i’m gonna invest in something, this feels like a worthy cause. I originally wanted a bunch of wildflowers that were special to me. and i wanted my grandmother’s handwriting woven into the stem of the daisy because it was her favorite flower. I have the word ‘love’ that she wrote in a card to me once and i wanted to incorporate that. but as we get closer and i have no job now, i’m worried that the original tatt idea will be a few thousand dollars which isn’t in my budget atm. so i started thinking of smaller tattoos i could get instead. so in lieu of the flowers i was thinking of getting a small but detailed little snake with some flowers around it. and this would have a really... multi-dimensional meaning. so that’s that. that’s my life update. i’m gonna talk about the snake tattoo idea below, just because. but yeah. there’s a lot going on and it’s stressful and hard and shitty and i feel like life is so unfair at times but... that’s just how it be sometimes :P

- for the snake tattoo... it directly relates to the rep album. so rep came out like, days after my [at the time] boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. and i listened to rep but it was just this happy lovey album. which to be honest was the last thing i wanted to listen to at that time. so i barely listened to it because it made me sad. at the same time, i wanted him back and we talked a lot and ended up getting back together about a week later. but still i didn’t feel happy. and i was listening to this album that was like, all about this everlasting amazing relationship, with so much love and lust and attraction and sexiness and i just could not relate. and that raised a red flag to me. because i’m like, i’ve been dating this guy who is supposed to be the love of my life, for 3 years now and... i can’t relate. and it was then that i realized that he could be so great to me, he was funny, brilliant, attractive, had a great family, treated me so well. but no matter how “perfect” he was, he wasn’t a girl. there was a need, a void in my life that he would never be able to fill. so i did my own thing and i got a job in LA and broke up with him. so to me, reputation is what really helped or forced me to realize that i’m worthy of true love. something that comes from both sides. and not only love but intimacy, sexual gratification, feeling understood and wanted. so ya, bc of that album i had the strength to break up with the guy who could’ve given me almost everything i had ever wanted. i crave love and passion and i’m excited to have that in my future. my standards are higher and i have a better idea of what i want. so ya. i think i want a snake but.. like a happy snake. like with hearts or flowers around it. and to me it represents that album that changed the course of my life but also represents growth and rebirth and starting over

[regular-lord-reckoner]

So, I just heard about a situation I need to like...rant about for a second because my blood is fucking boiling 

I was watching drama YouTube (it’s a not-so-guilty secret that I enjoy that type of shit, I’m a Scorpio what can I say?) and I just watched a video about a recent concert at the O2. 

It was Hayley Kiyoko and basically like...she kept stopping her songs and even starting over because she wanted everyone to stand up, including the people up in the balcony and the security kept telling them to sit down. 

Sounds like a non-issue, right? Sounds like she was just trying to be good to her fans and shit, right? 

The problem was...the balcony section had A LOT of disabled people in it and beforehand they could see perfectly fine and were enjoying themselves, but the second she told everyone to stand up like...game over. They couldn’t see shit. 

And like...I get it, man. I get that people who don’t have disabilities will literally just....never understand this and that’s fine, I don’t expect anyone to. 

But man oh MAN does it feel like shit. 

I’ve been in that situation so many times where like...I just cannot stand up, I know I don’t have the energy and it’s already breaking my heart enough that I can’t and then my view gets blocked by people standing and you don’t want to be a dick and rain on anyone’s parade, especially when asking someone to move or sit down usually just gets you dirty looks and sneers because I think people honestly think that like...disabled people don’t go to places like that ??

And granted, a lot of us don’t specifically for reasons like this, because we don’t want to cause anyone problems or be a wet blanket or need even more special accommodations. We already know we don’t belong and we’re not wanted, but sometimes, crazily enough, we like to have fun just like everyone else. 

I’ve already gone through the processes of grief just accepting that I’m pretty sure my days of standing close to stages is over. When I was younger I could kiiind of manage it. It was tough and I’d have to pretty much be carried out by whoever I came with and then felt drained for days, but anymore it’s just really hard so I either have to have it be somewhere that has seating or somewhere I know I can at least hug a wall and sit down if I need to and that fucking SUCKS. I HATE that. I hate it so fucking much and I watched a video of someone’s footage from the concert the moment they weren’t able to see and it’s absolutely heart breaking. 

The fact of the matter is, the security were trying to help those people so they could still see. They were keeping everyone in their seats to be NICE (and also because it’s apparently just...not safe to have a bunch of people enjoying a concert and probably drinking to be standing up and dancing around a balcony barrier but ANYWAY) 

Because of the noise and because it’s a fucking concert, security were having to wave their lights at people to get their attention and I guess when Hayley saw that (combined with the fact that this evil security team kept making people sit down) she pitched a fit on stage and got the whole crowd booing the security guards and calling them assholes and shit. 

And then in just...the most upsetting thing I’ve seen yet, one person manages to make her way to the front of the balcony, holding their fucking walking aid, and tries to tell Hayley that there’s disabled people in the back and that’s why security wanted everyone to sit down and she just...doesn’t seem to give a fuck 

And later she “apologizes” for it by putting out some bullshit statement about how she just wanted everyone to have a good time and she didn’t really know the whole situation, blah blah blah but like...doesn’t just straight up say, “Hey, sorry to all my disabled fans for the misunderstanding, I’ll do better in the future to make sure you guys are able to see” or something like that. Nope just...Heeeey man, I wanted there to be good vibes, sorry for misreading the energy~ 

Fuck ALL the way off. 

I know this probably isn’t that big of a deal, but it just...really hit me right where it hurt. 

A few years back I went to see AFI for like the billionth time and...here again, I used to be capable of just being in the crowd like normal, their shows that I’ve been too haven’t been like...stadium shows, by any means, it’s just kind of been a big room with a lot of people and a stage and it’s kinda nice because it’s so close, really. 

But I thought I’d at least try for as long as I could to be where I usually am, sort of in the middle with a good view of the stage, but not so close I’d be constantly getting crushed 

I wanna say they had two opening acts that show, which isn’t uncommon for them at least the times I’ve seen them, but I realized pretty early on I should try to conserve my energy as much as possible so I figured in between sets I’d just...sit on the ground for a minute. 

I tried to take up as little space as possible, but mind you like...this was the time people were leaving to go to the bathroom or go get drinks or go do whatever so it’s not like we were all in our perfect places where we planned on being once the next thing started up.

I had every intention of standing back up once the lights went out again, I just...needed a moment and I didn’t want to lose my place in the crowd completely, so I just sat where I was. Figured it wouldn’t be a huge deal, but...much like Hayley, a group of girls started yelling at me to stand up and I think maybe at first they thought they were just...being cute, I guess? Like, “Hey, it’s a concert, stand up!” and shit, but...no, man I’m good. 

I tried to just kind of wave it off and ignore it, but they kept on so I snapped and said something to the effect of, “I’m sitting down for a second because I’m disabled, is that okay with you?!” I think. 

Which...y’know, was fucking HILARIOUS, apparently. I honestly don’t even remember what all else they said, I know they kept taunting me and being assholes and there was something in there about like...was I just gonna have a picnic there on the floor and because they were just the worst kind of people they had to push past not just me, but a bunch of other people to be even closer and as they stepped over me like the piece of trash I am, apparently, one of them pretended to offer me a picnic basket and they just kept laughing about it. 

Like...I’ve had people have some pretty shitty reactions to me before and have dealt with discrimination, but there’s something soul-crushing about being in a place you thought was somehow apart from all of that and being treated like that. 

I know music’s a safe haven for a lot of people and a source of comfort and even a life support and that’s no different for people with disabilities. To go somewhere that you already felt out of place at to begin with because you know you’re not able to enjoy this experience the same was as everyone else is already hard enough, but on top of that to be treated like complete dog shit is just...really upsetting. 

And like, at least in my case it was just other concert goers being mean to me. I can’t imagine how shitty I’d have felt if Davey Havok was the one standing on stage ring leading that shit, regardless of what he thought was happening and then if on TOP of that he got on social media later and couldn’t even apologize for it? 

I dunno, man.

Put yourself in the shoes of someone who just wanted to enjoy a concert and is now having the entire crowd boo and scream insults at the only people who were looking out for your best interest.

I dunno if other disabled people get this feeling, but...I want to VANISH on the spot whenever it’s called to attention that I need something. Asking for help is HARD. Having to need something is DIFFICULT. 

And I know to anyone else that sounds silly and just like regular-old-anxiety issues but it’s...it’s not. I really don’t know how to articulate it or put it into words and maybe it is just me, but like...I dunno. 

Point is, it’s just...hard to be singled out for needing something, even if it’s something you need to just function, and I can’t imagine an entire crowd of people like...yelling in my direction all because some people were trying to look out for me. 

Apparently someone even started having a panic attack up in the balcony because of it all and the fact that there are still people online treating this like...Hero Hayley Kiyoko bravely stood up for her fans when security told them to sit down!!! just really fucking sucks. 

Just...real bad shit all around and I’m sure eventually the whole story will get out and I hope maybe if nothing else people will just...kinda think next time? Maybe be a little more considerate? 

I get that you can’t possibility anticipate every person’s individuals needs in any given situation, especially if it’s something outside of your norm and not something you personally have to experience or deal with, but like...fuck, man. I just feel so bad after watching that. 

[life-in-a-labrynth]

I'm in a strange mood. I feel like it's lasted at least a few days. Maybe since I saw Kim, who's kinda related to this.

Most significantly, I feel horny, but don't want to masturbate. I've been disciplined about not taking wank breaks from work, which used to be plentiful. I had no compunction whatsoever about killing an hour from my day of work just writing an erotic story, or signing up for a website and vigorously downloading everything from them I can while I had a paid membership.

It's not just that, but I've cut down on social media. Not much facebook, definitely less reddit, at least during the work day. I've been very good at being disciplined. I've been practicing mindful meditation, and it's honestly made my life easier. I'm better focused, better able to manage stress and anxiety, better able to see things without a lens of irrational feelings.

I'm more grounded. I can just turn my back on a thought... or more to the point, calmly observe that it's there. Just recede into consciousness and notice it and acknowledge it, which seems to defuse it. Sometimes it's more difficult. I was close to taking a fap break earlier.

But let's get to that. Traditionally, I would fap at the drop of a hat. I mean, why not? It feels good, it's not unhealthy, per se. The slightest horny thought may set me forward. All it took was a quick fantasy of a woman, or scene. An elaborate narrative of two or more people, and power structures, much of it revolving around humiliation and objectification.

Lately, it's muted. I felt frustrated earlier because I thought of a pornographic image - Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop getting her soles tickled while trapped in stocks. I'd saved it, and was very close (more than normal) of just going for it. I know what would have happened: likely it wouldn't end there. I would have another horny thought, and just want to jump into it. A new fantasy, a new image, a new story. (Or adding onto an existing story, a la writing my own erotica).

So it was frustrating but I just said "who cares, it'll pass. Just focus. You can do that later." The work day ended, I logged off, and... I just didn't feel like it anymore. Not really. I thought I may be able to get back into the mood. I decided I wanted to find new pictures of Faye Valentine getting her feet tickled (I know how ridiculous this sounds, but shhhh, just go with it, reader).

I went through the motions, ran some image searches, but... meh. It didn't hold the same power.

What WAS I thinking of? Another recurring image, which was of my friend Kim. I visited her last Sunday, and was rather struck with how charmed and I attracted I was to her. She'd lost some weight. She was adorable. And instead of getting drawn into negative thoughts about her, I just sat there and focused, paying closer attention to her. I feel like year-ago-Dan would have been mentally scowling and thinking of how boring it was to watch her Tik Toks. And yes, it got pretty tedious, lol. But instead, I just appreciated her. I told myself, quite rationally and healthily, that I only see her once a year. I wanted to enjoy my time with her, not think about how boring it was.

That soooorta happened last time. Wait, did it? Well, in 2018 it did. I remember complaining to Dawn about it. I shouldn't have. I feel like a boot licker in retrospect, partially wanting to ensure her that there wasn't anything between us. I sure as fuck didn't come back and say "Man, Dawn, my throat hurts from TALKING so much with her. Wow, it was such a great time. You know, Dawn, you and me don't talk much. Huh." *big eye roll*

Anyway, enough digression. I feel really good about myself for keeping a positive and healthy attitude. I don't want to be scowling and miserable. I'm not a dumb, angsty teenager anymore. Why not just enjoy life?

So, back to the recurring image. So, Kim has this tik tok, and her persona is basically this girl in black lipstick. (I can feel my old self wanting to scowl and say "god, that's so lame. That's so basic."). But she had a video on there which showed her with barely any make up, some music playing in the background. And just as the bass hits, BOOM, she snaps her fingers and there she is, regaled in her gothy lipstick and black wardrobe. Looking totally badass. Looking totally sexy.

That in itself should have been fap fodder. I feel some pull to write a story about it... something simple and not degrading. Something like her and me connecting as old friends, then fuck buddies. Hell, I could, but you know what's funny? I just want to be with her in real life, kissing her, hugging her, feeling her warm body, fondling her... I want REAL sex with her, damn it, lol!

I always used to say (and maybe I still believe it) that whatever fantasy you have in your head will never be as good in real life. It's very true with the elaborate fantasies that I'm used to. This could be a problem in the future, if say, I get into a relationship, and the sex won't measure up to the fantasies. Oh, sure, I had some fun with a couple of them playing the dominatrix to me. But it was still never as good as I'd hoped it would be. How could it ever compare with my imagination, where everything is perfect, just as I need it to be...

I guess the above would be possible with someone I'm in a relationship with and trust, and we could try over and over again, but... just like being porn sick, I think I could get "erotica" sick. Granted, it hasn't often happened in relationships... right? I was fine with Kelia, fine (for a while anyway) with Violet. Sex with Angela was amazing, so was sex with Dawn. Sometimes it's been lacking... it was with Elisabeth, except for the very nice THC tincture sex we had, lmao.

Sigh. Anyway. I kind of like how I've been feeling recently. Wanting the real thing, not just some story. I guess I did experience this a few weeks ago, when I fapped and thought about sex with Elisabeth, just straight intercourse with both of us going at it, not some elaborate narrative with power structures (which is always how I've fapped to her in the past!).

I think the meditation is healthy. My focus could still be a bit better, but that's okay, I've only been doing it a month.

What else could be at play? I'm not dating. The pandemic has jammed the breaks on that. I felt pretty sad about it, but I think I'm feeling okay now. After Lis declined a second chance, I felt pretty bad. Anxiety started creeping up again, feeling regretful, missing her... and later on, getting back into mental fights with Dawn. But I'm able to keep all of these anxieties at bay. I feel like I'm getting better all the time.

Right now, at least in this moment, I don't feel like I NEED to be in a relationship. I don't feel that urgency. Isn't it kind of nice to take a break from all that profile scanning, fervently compiling OKC questions and answers, losing track of who I talked to and what they told me and what their job was... lmao.

Trying with women who weren't really my type. Feeling crappy about rejecting them. But ugh, I do wish that Laina lived closer. She probably would have rejected me, but I still could have tried.

There's kind of another thing. That made me think of negative self-talk. I'm feeling better about myself. I make mistakes... hell, above, I wrote Kim instead of Dawn when complaining about the latter, a couple times. I thought in my head "oh geez, if I were telling that to a person, I totally would have said the wrong word and confused them." Kind of how I did with Amanda Densten and my GoT rant. But who cares? I think my thoughtfulness supercedes some verbal mistakes that will need some clarification.

I'm getting better at putting into practice everything I told myself before, to help me get through my heartbreak with Dawn. Yeah, she doesn't think I'm smart or insightful. But who the hell cares? Who is she to judge me? She wasn't exactly a galaxy brain, either. Blah blah, I'm not going to re-litigate it here again, but the point is, I'm better at remembering it, and just shrugging off such insecurities. I'm able to capture myself in the moment it's happening, and stop stewing in it.

This whole essay is boring, but that's okay. It's therapy. I mostly just wanted to note down that I'm feeling better, and I'm (for whatever reason) delighted that I felt charmed by Kim, that I'm getting a better attitude. I think I'll be in a better position to date again.

What will that look like? I was tracking my feelings about Kim, and how even part of me could maybe see us in a relationship, even if (cough, I'm really sorry to be a jerk but) she isn't as smart as me. Does she NEED to be? Why can't we just enjoy each other's company and have similar interests? Okay, well, I DO kind of need those things to be in love. Having a smart partner implies the other two, otherwise I'd get bored.

But do I NEED to be? Hell, I'm alone right now. Can't I just stay alone with my (dumbass) supposedly "brilliant" thoughts that I can't share with someone and *gasps and covers eyes with arm* be understooooood!!!!11

Okay, that's enough weird self-deprecating play. But it was an interesting thought. I felt shitty that Dawn implied that my standards weren't as high as hers, and that I just needed "some nice girl" to satisfy me, not a "soul mate" like her. For the first time, part of my thought, "I mean, would that really be SO bad? Isn't that better than being alone?"

Meh. It's less interesting to flesh out. I do still have my standards. It's just, it's kind of funny to get charmed by Kim and let my imagination wander and wonder what it would have been like if her and I got married instead. Very silly. I don't think it would have worked out, but who knows? Maybe if the Dan now went back 10-15 years, things would have been different. Guess we'll never know. And that's okay.

Just like we'll never know if things would have worked out with Elisabeth if the timing was different. For serious, Dan, find someone else like her. She was wonderful.

You found Mary. You found Elisabeth Racer. You found Dawn (I don't think she counts anymore, lmao). You found Elisabeth Writer, and just a year ago.

You'll find another one. Especially after this damned pandemic ends, and there'll be fucking in the streets. But for now... just relax and enjoy yourself. This is actually really nice.

[glitterisevil-blog]

Regrets, I Have a Few....

Feeling unsettled about your completely transformed life with your newborn? Wishing that you could wave a magic wand and just go back to the way things were? You could be suffering from WHID Syndrome.

Which of course, is a completely fictional, unrecognised condition - but as everyone seems way more comfortable if a new mum’s feelings can be labelled as something, then let’s call it WHID or What Have I Done Syndrome for now.

Throughout pregnancy I was told countless times about this overwhelming rush of love that I would feel upon meeting my new baby. By the time my due date was approaching, I’d imagined what this amazing rush would be like. I suspected that if it didn’t arrive the second he was born, then it would catch me up later. I’d be doing something fairly mundane like hanging out washing, or perusing varieties of digestive biscuits in Tesco when all of a sudden this luminescent, ethereal figure would descend from the sky, sprinkle me with magical dust and I’d get this amazing glowing feeling that would leave me tingling from head to toe. Once I’d been sprinkled, I’d know I’d felt “it” for sure and I would never see, hear or feel things in the same way ever again. I would then spend the next few years floating around in this loved up, post-partum haze of joy.

And then he arrived. Ta-daaaa! And all I felt was knackered, emotionally hollow, and like someone had punched me in the fanny whilst wearing a knuckle-duster.

But I wasn’t too concerned about the absence of the love dust at first. It’ll all come after you’ve had a bit of sleep, they assured me. So I slept….nope, still nothing. Sore fanny – check.  Knackered – check. Emotionally hollow – check. And that was it.

For the next few days I just stared with bewilderment at this tiny human who I suddenly found myself sharing my life and my boobs with, feeling a steadily growing, rather uncomfortable mixture of resentment, regret and…well, just nothing much else really. Where was this massive thunderbolt that was supposed to happen? Wasn’t this thunderbolt/magic dust/rush of love the only thing that would help me get through the trauma and the sleep deprivation and all the crying? Why had Mother Nature fucked up my order?

I turned to my trusted pal Google for some answers, creating a browsing history that would surely have seen me on Trafford Social Services watch list had it fallen into the wrong hands;

Not bonding with newborn

Don’t feel love for new baby

Hate new baby

Missing old life post-baby

Regretting having baby

British Airways flights to New York (yes really – at 3 am one morning, I contemplated a flit to another country as an actual feasible solution to all of this!)

A trusty internet search engine can normally solve most modern day problems, from what the fuck “on fleek” actually means, to how to cook the perfect Beef Wellington. However on this occasion it just wasn’t coming up with the goods. Nobody else seemed to be in the same place as me, feeling vast amounts of nothingness, mourning a life left behind and just generally feeling, well, a bit sad.  

Everybody else on the internet was either having very serious feelings on a clinical scale, or else they were more loved up than Hacienda-goers circa 1992. Why was there no middle ground?

Let’s start first with those happy, loved up baby-bearers. Social media was full of friends, acquaintances and celebrities who’d had babies around the same time as me, but nobody seemed to be finding it that hard to adjust. In stark contrast, the rest of the childbearing world seemed to be cracking on very nicely with new parenthood thank you very much. I trawled through all the Instagram pics of smiling mums in fresh pyjamas, clutching their new additions with grins as wide as their c-section scars. Every hashtag compounded the fact that I was clearly just crap. Each #Blessed felt like a smack in the face. My hashtag would’ve said #thisisfuckingshit

Then there were the people who were at the other end of the spectrum. I read article after article about that condition that I might’ve had but dare not speak its name in case it came true. It was like Candyman – if I said Post Natal Depression out loud then it might just appear. Did I have PND? I didn’t think so, but I wasn’t deliriously happy about the arrival of my baby, so surely I fell into this category? Did I have to pick a side? After a week of going through symptom checklists I eventually came to the conclusion that I probably didn’t have it for a variety of reasons. And so I continued, and just got up each day, cared for my baby in a functional way, but felt no connection whatsoever with him because I just wanted my old life back.

I was one of the lucky ones, I was reminded. I’d had a textbook birth, which resulted in a beautiful happy healthy baby boy, I should be happy. I should be grateful. Didn’t I know about all the people who longed to have what I’m so nonchalant about? Of course, I knew this was true, but it still left me unable to explain why I felt so empty about everything. The only answers I could find lay in chat room discussions at ridiculous hours of the morning, because let’s face it – 4am is the witching hour of the new parent! I discovered a myriad of mummies (and a few dads as well) who were speaking out about how they felt about the arrival of their new baby and – just like me – they weren’t particularly over the moon about the disruption, the chaos or the sleep deprivation that had been thrust upon them. One mum wrote something like “We planned our baby, she is well cared for and loved but I wasn’t prepared for how much she would dominate our lives. I continually find myself missing how things used to be and feeling I’ve made a huge mistake that can’t be undone now.” Another lady described it as all the pieces of her life being thrown up in the air and falling back down in a random mess that she just didn’t recognise.

Yes, I thought! This is me, and exactly how I feel! As I read further, more and more people were saying the same thing. Once someone started off sharing, it gave courage to all the others that were previously afraid to speak. Here we all were at 4am - Selfish Arseholes Anonymous. One mum of a three week old baby owned up to having a packed suitcase full of essentials in her car boot, ready for the day when it all got too much. 

But just like my unbooked flight to New York, she never quite made it either. Once the murky mists of sleep deprivation had passed, and once the 4am outpourings had been shared we all had one thing in common; we all got up in the morning and carried on. We fed, we changed nappies, and we tried to do our best to keep our new hatchlings alive and well for another day. And whilst we did it we probably cried a bit, or shouted at our partners, or possibly even both because deep down we were wishing we could just go out for a spontaneous run, or nip to the pub, or sit down and watch TV for half an hour completely uninterrupted, and have a brew that we actually manage to drink before it goes cold. I’m fairly sure that nobody ever stares at a shitty nappy thinking they’ve totally won at life. No, we actually feel a bit pissed off and a bit sad that this is our life now for the next few years at least. And actually – what I wish someone had told me is this: It’s OK to feel a bit sad because sometimes, being a parent IS a bit crap and life pre-baby WAS probably much easier!

So if you’re reading this at 4am, staring at your baby and feeling shit that you’re not in the New Mummy Delight Club, and worrying that you might have PND because of this then relax – embrace the diagnosis of WHID Syndrome and be assured that there are some easy ways to treat it:-  

1.       Firstly, accept that it’s pretty normal and that you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. It doesn’t make you ungrateful or a bad person for lamenting over your old life. Your old life was probably a pretty great one involving gin, a disposable income and being able to go for a shit in peace. Well who wouldn’t miss that?!

2.       Keep the channels of communication open with your midwife, your health visitor and your partner/friends/family. Contrary to popular belief, health professionals don’t have social services on speed dial, on standby to whip your baby off you the minute you admit you’re not loving life. They actually recognise that this upheaval is pretty normal. If they (or you) spot anything that just might be PND then they will be able to support you. Similarly your partner or friends might actually be relieved to hear you say “Christ this is grim” and then everyone can drop the façade that becoming a new parent is all just snuggling your baby and eating lemon drizzle cake all day, because it’s actually fucking hard!

3.       Disregard all social media posts that depict the perfect life and the wonders of being a parent. It’s not reality and serves only to make you feel as though you’re doing it all wrong. In the same way that nobody’s Facebook profile picture is ever a photo of them hungover, vomiting into the cat litter tray with their Disney pyjamas on, nobody is going to show the gritty, shitty side of new motherhood which usually involve eye bags you could use for your entire Aldi shop, and the toilet bowl looking like a scene from Hostel every time you attempt a poo. It’s all bollocks, and in the words of Public Enemy “Don’t Believe the Hype”

4.       Do what makes YOU feel normal and ignore the Should Sharks. You know the ones who say things like “Oh, you should go to Baby Massage and get out the house because you need fresh air really” or “Going back to the gym so soon? You really should rest you know, because new mums shouldn’t exercise so soon…blah blah fucking blah!” So go to baby massage, or don’t. Go to the gym, or don’t. Abseil from a building dressed as Batman, or don’t. Stay holed up at home, or go out and paint the town – just find your normal, whatever that happens to be.

I got through the worst of my WHID Syndrome by having frank and open chats with my Health Visitor, staying off Instagram for a bit, and establishing a near-sexual relationship with white chocolate Magnums that lasted most of summer. I’ll never be completely cured though, as WHID is recognised as a chronic condition that will probably stay with you until the day you wave your baby off to Uni and turn his room into a walk-in wardrobe. I’m afraid to say that symptoms can only be managed and not completely eradicated. Things that are known to cause the odd flare up are:

-          Those rare English sunny hot days, which result in the temptation to sit in beer gardens and drink Corona all day rather than breastfeed/be responsible for a child

-          Indie bands from your youth getting their act together for a comeback gig that’s not in your hometown but technically still near enough for you to attend. If you could stay away for the whole night, obviously. Or get really pissed on Red Stripe. Or were able to do Britpop-style bouncing up and down without your uterus falling out in the middle of Leeds Academy.

-          Awareness of purchases that would have once been doable. Admittedly extravagant purchases that would’ve meant beans on toast for dinner until the next payday, but still doable. Sort of. But on maternity pay? Massive LOLZ!!

So when an attack of WHID strikes, allow yourself a bit of wallowing time (anything from an hour to a day is OK, any more than that and you might want to have a chat with your Health Visitor ) and then I’m afraid you’ll just have to suck it up buttercup. That Corona isn’t going to be sipped in the sunshine, that designer bag isn’t coming to live with you, and you might just have to download the band’s latest album on iTunes. Your time will come again, but those things aren’t gonna happen for you right at this moment. You have a far greater and more important task to focus on, and you’re the centre of that little person’s universe. That’s feeling has got to taste better than warm Red Stripe!  

[lymphomalife]

f i n a l l y

Well I’ve finally got to the point where I can’t even excuse some people anymore. It’s amazing how long some people will actually keep up their shitty false apperances for & I’m gutted it’s taken me this long to put my foot down. 

As most of you are aware, since I finished treatment I’ve been struggling with my mental health. Having waves of depression & anxiety combined with feeling lost and helpless I felt at my wits end, I tried to reach out to several people but only a few even bothered to respond. Now, this is the argument I’ve been having with myself since this happened; 

1. WE ARE ADULTS, everyone has their own shit and jobs etc to deal with, why would the bother dealing with your problems

2. You have done this so much that they are probably sick to death of you 

3. (Wo)Man the fuck up and get over it, you’re being pathatic

I know have so many things to be grateful for and there are so many people who are genuine and actually want to be there when shit hits the fan, but it’s those select few that keep me up and night, and make me doubt every person I’ve ever called a friend. 

I completley reached my wits end a couple of weeks ago and was ready to , stick two fingers up to the world and wash my hands of everything and everyone. But I’m still here to tell the story & I would like to think that I’m stronger for it, then again if I was, would I be here writing this post? 

I used to laugh at all them memes and photos on social media banging on about keeping your circle small, don’t trust everyone blah blah blah. But now I’m starting to think that those posts are right. Maybe I should be less trusting & more stand offish. Maybe this blog & letting everyone into my mind is the worst idea, maybe it’s made me unapproachable. WHO FUCKING KNOWS?! 

All I do know is that it’s time to clean up my life (& social media) I’m over trying to make any kind of effort with these people, I know deep down who actually cares whether or not those two fingers actually go up or not & they are the ones I will love unconditionally.