#probably would have changed how the beatles are perceived today

[tokucore]

im so hyperfixated on the beatles 1966 world tour era rn cuz literally everything that could have gone wrong WENT WRONG... with preforming in a sacred martial arts center in japan, police brutality in germany, WHATEVER THE FUCK the marcos situation was in the philippines, and all the shit that happened in the us cuz of john's jesus comment (cherry bomb, kkk riots in memphis) im surprised this wasnt even the worst that it could have been

poor guys were just so sick of it too 😭 i think the only new song they preformed was paperback writer and you can tell they were just. so exhausted

[inspiteallthedanger]

Hi! You were kind enough to answer my break up narrative question the other day and i wanted to risk another 'what if' that I'd be really interested to hear your take on. If Paul had died in 1980 instead of John, do you think the Beatles would be remembered as significantly/positively as they are today? I was reading about how Paul was the one who pushed for Anthology and he's always such an enthusiastic advocate for the Beatles and their legacy, whereas i get the impression John and George in particular seemed to regard it as a thing to he proud of but just one (now finished) stage of their lives and careers. As a teen and adult probably my main awareness of the Beatles came via Paul McCartney talking about them and being known as Paul from the Beatles, playing Beatles songs still etc

Hello my love. I don’t actually have too much to say about this one because I think you’ve essentially nailed it.

But, some thoughts below. But first, obviously the music and it’s brilliance and timelessness is the biggest factor in their continued relevance. That’s not changing. So that would always be around but it’s about whether there’s the number of chances for it to be dusted off and made relevant in new ways.

There are three things that probably have been the most important, imo, in raising their cultural importance. One is John’s death and it’s impact on culture. Another is Paul’s continued career. Third we have Anthology and it’s importance (even tho the documentary wasn’t actually that much of a hit at the time). You don’t get GB without Anthology really, because it ushered in a new period of Apple and it’s management of the legacy.

It’s hard to say how Paul’s death would have been perceived. I doubt he’d have been sainted in the same way as John was and Linda probably wouldn’t have been as aggressive as Yoko about his legacy. So, without that it’s hard to know how The Beatles legacy would have been by the time we get to the 90s. John’s death really did cement the Beatles in history, Paul’s probably would have done something similar, but maybe to a lesser degree. There is something about it being John and what he meant in culture and to the band that just sort of solidified how they were seen.

I think Paul and his unrelenting enthusiasm and energy to keep promoting the Beatles and making them relevant is a huge factor in their legacy. Not least because of the touring but also putting out new music. He also is just very happy being sincere in saying, “The Beatles were good actually and we should say so.” John in his stead might have done that once Paul was gone, but he’s just as likely to have done more of what George did and prefer not to really talk about it.

I doubt John would have followed the same mould as Paul in terms of his career. I think John might have put out stuff and collaborated, but a lot less consistently and I don’t know how much he’d have been inclined to fight back against ‘The Beatles are lame now’ narrative that was creeping in before Anthology.

It’s possible that John’s music career would have rallied (if the press didn’t turn on him for being such a shit to Paul while he was alive). In which case he might have had the capital to do a project the size of Anthology. But that’s far from a certainty.

A lot probably depends on how John reacted to Paul’s death (conceal and never feel verses spiralling into guilt) and also if John and Yoko stayed together or not. I won’t go into that here because it’s so complicated and hard to unpick.

It’s worth noting the idea of something like Anthology had been around since the early 70s. It was a bit different then, but a similar sort of idea. No one really knows why it was shelved, but possibly because of the deal with EMI or probably because the band weren’t fussed on it at all (George always hated it, as I recall).

But it happened because George was ‘running out of money’ and Paul was also experiencing a waning in popularity. After that point you see him pivot into full Beatle Paul mode where he’s mostly stayed ever since. You’ve got to think that John would realise the Beatles were being forgotten the same way Paul did and would likely be seeing a lot less income (assuming he wasn’t making massive records still which is a probably a good bet). So, I don’t doubt something would have happened eventually because almost all bands do something along these lines.

The difference is how big it would have been. Is John with Yoko? What story does he/do they want to even tell? Have George and John made up? I don’t know enough about the creation of Anthology, but my assumption is that Paul was suggesting it got bigger and bigger. I wonder if you’d just get the release of music without a documentary? Although George was obviously into films then, so maybe not. So, it’s possible it wouldn’t have been an ‘event’ in the same way. I also don’t know they’d have made more music. That just screams of Paul wanting it whereas I can see John just not wanting to go there for a whole host of reasons. Unless he’d sort of felt he owed it to Paul in some way, but we just don’t know enough about their relationship before John died to know.

Anyway, I said I didn’t have much to say. And yet. So, summation: it’s possible you’d get something similar but I doubt they’d have quite the same cultural relevance. Perhaps you’d have something more like Queen. Although, maybe John goes in the other direction and somehow manages to tank their reputation entirely in some way. It’s not impossible.

[thecoleopterawithana]

Your quote: "So perhaps, when in 1989 Paul asks “Did I ever take you in my arms, look you in the eye, tell you that I do” the part that he “never did” was the latter"( with John according to your perspective??)--I saw a video where Paul says he's talking about how the workaday life meant he sometimes took marriage and Linda for granted--like we all do our spouses at times--and that was why he wrote that song. Your take please? Respectfully inquiring--thanks!

Hello, anon dear. Thanks so much for your respectful request! Especially considering that every opportunity I get to talk about “This One” is a personal pleasure.

I believe the video you were referring to is this one (eheh), where correspondent Bernard Goldberg interviews Paul for the TV series 48 Hours. The episode follows part of The Paul McCartney World Tour, which marked not only his first major tour outing in ten years, but also the first time in his solo career that a substantial number of Beatles songs were included in the setlist.

Paul is asked about “This One” near the 8:30 mark of the first video and his answer continues in the second part.

Here is a transcription of the segment in question:

-

Q: Let me ask you about one of the new songs, “This One”. Is it about a marriage?

Paul: A relationship, yeah.

Q: And about, not expressing emotions and feelings?

[Paul performing “This One”]

Paul: You get those moments, sort of late at night or when you’re feeling good and you think, “Oh, you know, it’d be great to kind of— I hope I tell her I love her enough, and all that.” And then come the morning, when you’ve got to get off to the office and it’s [yawns] “Okay, goodbye, love you!”, and so on. And, you know, life’s like that. And there’s never kind of enough time to— If you like your parents for instance, to tell them, “God, just what you meant to me.” 

[Paul performing “This One”]

Paul: You always think, “Well, I’m saving it up. I’ll tell ‘em one day.” And what happens with a lot of people is— Something like John, for instance, getting back to that subject. He died. 

I was lucky. The last few wee— months that he was alive, we’d managed to get our relationship back on track. And we were talking and having real good conversations. Real nice and friendly. But George, actually, didn’t, I don’t think, get his relationship right. They were arguing right up to the end. Which I’m sure is a source of great sadness to him. And I’m sure, in the feeling of this song, that George was always planning to tell John he loved him. But time ran out. And that’s what the song is about. There never could be a better moment than this one, you know, now. Take this moment to say, [hesitates] “I love you.” [Laughs] It’s not quite the same. 

-

Now, about your question. I take you were wondering why in the post you quoted me on I used an excerpt of this song to hypothesize about a facet of Paul and John’s relationship. 

Allow me to begin by saying that, as the wonderful @amoralto pointed out in the aforementioned post, one should be cautious about what kind of information we’re extracting from an art form like songs. The sources of inspiration can be multiple, and the exact meaning of the piece elusive even to its author. So it’s probably best to be prudent about taking the lyrics too literally or extrapolating the entire song as to be about a single situation/person. 

Nevertheless, there are still certain patterns and themes that keep emerging, and I am curious about examining those. And being songs one of the places where they more openly communicated and truly laid bare their feelings, I believe the tumble down the rabbit hole of speculation might be worth it, just to see what we may find there. 

As Paul put it:

The idea is that what I’ll leave behind me will be music, and I may not be able to tell you everything I feel, but you’ll be able to feel it when you listen to my music. I won’t have the time or the articulation to be able to say it all, but if you enjoy composing you say it through the notes.

Of course, John also said:

When Paul and I write a song, we try and take hold of something we believe in – a truth. We can never communicate 100 per cent of what we feel, but if we can convey just a fraction, we have achieved something. We try to give people a feeling – they don’t have to understand the music if they can just feel the emotion. This is half the reason the fans don’t understand, but they experience what we are trying to tell them.

So maybe we can experience the emotion they infused the song with, but not always be able to understand the circumstances that gave rise to it in their own lives.

To find that last crucial piece of the puzzle, one has to truly contextualise the song. And that’s where all the other more tangible sources of information come in, such as quotes and timelines. 

Of course, drawing conclusions from any kind of data is, in itself, an interpretation. And an inescapably personal one at that. 

The only way to approximate objectivity is through critical thinking and emotional intelligence. Continuously question your own assumptions and those of others, and don’t be attached to any one answer. Be willing to change your views based on new information and be open to considering new perspectives. I find that input from others is invaluable in drawing my attention to an angle I’d previously missed. For if our personal experiences sometimes blind us to certain facets of the subject we’re examining, they also give us a more intimate understanding of other sides of it, as we’ve walked in those same shoes before and know precisely what it feels like.

What I essentially mean with this disclaimer is that this is my current interpretation of the information. And my answers are usually so slow and long (my apologies) because I try to provide the data so that you can draw your own conclusions.

That settled, here is how I interpret Paul’s explication of “This One”. 

The interviewer begins by asking if the song is about a marriage and Paul sightly corrects him that it’s about a relationship. 

Then Goldberg posits his theory regarding the theme: “not expressing emotions and feelings.” And Paul goes on to explain, in his usual inclusive and generalising fashion: 

You get those moments, sort of late at night or when you’re feeling good and you think, “Oh, you know, it’d be great to kind of— I hope I tell her I love her enough, and all that.” And then come the morning, when you’ve got to get off to the office and it’s [yawns] “Okay, goodbye, love you!”, and so on.

He uses the second person to emphasize how the reporter must share his feelings — ‘you know what I mean, right?’ — thus making his experiences not only more relatable and perceivable, but it also slightly removes the focus from himself. You put it best when you said, “like we all do […] at times.”

He does start by giving the example of an apparently marital routine. And though it could have been chosen as something the interviewer would more quickly relate to, it may also be that he had difficulty “expressing emotions and feelings” in his marriage with Linda. He has spoken of such hurdles in his relationship with Nancy, which he expressed in his 2013 hidden track “Scared”. 

Well, I’m just like anybody else, man! You know? You get those moments. I don’t normally write about them; but it’s a good thing to use. I was feeling it, as well. I was newly in love with Nancy, and I was finding it a little difficult to say, ‘I love you.’ Number one, I’m a guy, and that’s a big excuse, I know, but it is a bit true to form…

— Paul McCartney, interview with Miranda Sawyer for The Guardian (13 October 2013).

So I slightly disagree with your assessment that the song is about “how the workaday life meant he sometimes took marriage and Linda for granted”. I don’t think he took his relationship with Linda for granted as much as he was unable to openly express how much it meant to him. He got inundated by “those moments” of love and appreciation, but then kind of used the hustle and bustle of everyday life as an excuse not to dwell on the discomfort of having to confess them.

I think it’s perhaps more accurate to say that the matter of “expressing emotions and feelings”, particularly actually saying “I love you”, is something that Paul has struggled with all his life and pervaded most of his relationships.

He even goes on to give the example of his parents, and how he wished he’d tell them, “God, just what you meant to me.” Which is a similar phrasing to the one he uses in “Scared”, more than two decades later:

I’m scared to say I love you / Afraid to let you know / That the simplest of words won’t come out of my mouth / Though I’m dying to let them go / Trying to let you know […]I’m still too scared to tell you / Afraid to let you see / That the simplest of words won’t come out of my mouth / Though I’m dying to set them free / Trying to let you see, how much it means to me / How much you mean to me / How much you mean to me now

But the relationship in which this theme of not expressing emotions and feelings seems most stark, at least as Paul expressed it publicly and in his music, is in his relationship with John.

He puts it quite plainly in another quote about “Scared”:

Paul: You can actually say, “I love you,” to someone, but it’s quite hard. And so that’s why it’s usually easier when you’re a bit drunk. It’s like ‘Here Today’ [on 1982’s Tug of War], which was for John, and there is the line, (sings) “Du du du du du du du, I love you,” and it is a bit of a moment in the song. It would be a bit like Keith Richards saying to Mick, “I love you.” I mean he does, but I’m not sure he’s going to say it. I’m sure the Gallaghers love each other on some level, probably quite deeply, but that certainly isn’t going to get said soon. I think it’s quite an interesting subject and I felt it most recently with [wife] Nancy, I knew I loved her but to actually say, “I love you,” you know, it’s just not that easy.

— Paul McCartney,  interview with Pat Gilbert for MOJO (November 2013).

Note that even here, in a quote about a song he wrote for Nancy, he harkens back to his experiences with having difficulty saying “I love you” to John. 

Paul even mentions that it’s easier to do it “when you’re a bit drunk” — I want to tell her that I love her a lot / But I gotta get a bellyful of wine — which seems to be a reference to “the night we cried”. That night in Key West in 1964 was an “important emotional landmark”, not only because they exposed themselves emotionally by crying, but they also may have actually said the big ‘I Love You’.

One night, we got pretty drunk and argued and laughed, and it ended up us both crying, because it was, you know at the height of your drunkenness, when you’re all, “Hey man, I love you, man. No, I love you, man.” That was probably the only time we just got that kind of intimate with each other. It’s a male machismo embarrassment thing. I mean, you might say to a girl, “I love you”, but in my case, within the group, The Beatles, it would have been difficult, even though we all did love each other. You just all had to be guys to the full. We were all rough, tough cream puffs.

— Paul McCartney, interview with the Daily Mail (4 June 2016).

He attributes his difficulty to a “male machismo embarrassment thing”, and that he could say “I love you” to a girl but not to his mates. But in his 2013 interview for The Guardian, he also points to the fact that he is a guy to explain his difficulties verbally expressing his love Nancy. 

But adding to the “stiff upper lip” imposed on northern lads, Paul himself is especially guarded about his feelings:

It’s funny because just in real life, I find that a challenge. I like to sort of, not give too much away. Like you said, I’m quite private. Why should people, know my innermost thoughts? That’s for me, they’re innermost. But in a song, that’s where you can do it. That’s the place to put them. You can start to reveal truths and feelings. You know, like in ‘Here Today’ where I’m saying to John “I love you”. I couldn’t have said that, really, to him. But you find, I think, that you can put these emotions and these deeper truths – and sometimes awkward truths; I was scared to say “I love you”. So that’s one of the things that I like about songs.

— Paul McCartney, on the challenge of giving too much of himself away when writing meaningful and truthful songs. Asked by Simon Pegg and interviewed by John Wilson for BBC 4’s Mastertapes (24 May 2016).

More than the pleasure associated with creating something out of nothing — “songwriting is like sex” — music also offers the utter relief of unburdening Paul of his feelings, which he finds great difficulty in exorcising in a more direct way:

Songwriting is like psychiatry; you sit down and dredge up something that’s inside, bring it out front. And I just had to be real and say, John, I love you. I think being able to say things like that in songs can keep you sane.

— Paul McCartney, interview with Robert Palmer for the New York Times (25 April 1982).

There was an inescapable need to come out, be real, and say to John, “I love you”; even if he has to “write it to the great record player in the sky”. 

Because more than speaking of a fear of expressing emotions and feelings in Paul’s day to day life — like in “Scared” — “This One” is clearly about the regret of doing it too late:

[L]ife’s like that. And there’s never kind of enough time to— […] You always think, “Well, I’m saving it up. I’ll tell ‘em one day.” And what happens with a lot of people is— Something like John, for instance, getting back to that subject. He died. […] And I’m sure, in the feeling of this song, that George was always planning to tell John he loved him. But time ran out. And that’s what the song is about. There never could be a better moment than this one, you know, now. Take this moment to say, [hesitates] “I love you.” [Laughs] It’s not quite the same. 

Even with his usual emotional distancing by projecting onto George and using “we” instead of “I”, Paul plainly explains the song is about cautioning people to take this moment to say “I love you”, at the risk of having time ran out on them as it happened with him and John.

And one can see how determined Paul is to get this message spread, as he often reiterates it when introducing “Here Today” in concerts — a song written in part out of his need to clearly say “I love you” to John — a frequent presence in his live performances for the last 20 year.

Paul McCartney’s One on One World Tour in Detroit, Michigan, at Little Caesars Arena on October 2, 2017.

Paul: One of the other things I say on our shows is that sometimes you want to say something really nice to someone, or pay them a compliment, or you feel a bit shy and a bit embarrassed, so you think, “Ah, I’ll say it tomorrow.” You put it off to another day. You know, you can put it off. And sometimes that’s too late; you’re too late. I wrote this next song after my dear friend John who passed away. Let’s hear it for John! And you know, when you’re kids, particularly — I mean, when we first started the Beatles we were in our early twenties, kind of thing — and you’re a bunch of guys, up in Liverpool at that time… There’s no way you’re gonna say to each other, “Hey, I love you, man.” It just didn’t happen, you know. You just didn’t say things. But you know, when [unintelligeable] we didn’t say it, so when John died, you know, I wanted to kind of say it somehow. So this next song is in the form of a conversation we didn’t get to have.

The fact that Paul has often connected the theme of not verbally expressing his feelings, and in particular of being too late to do it, to his relationship with John, is what led me use “This One”, in that post and in others, as an expression of that dynamic between them. 

In the post you quoted me on in specific, I say that perhaps the part that they “never did” was outright “tell” each other “that I do [love you]”, given that they have embraced — “take you in my arms” — and made intense eye contact — “look you in the eye.”

The song is basically a love song – did I ever say I love you? And if I didn’t it’s because I was waiting for a better moment… ‘There could never be a better moment than this one…

— Paul McCartney, in “Club Sandwich 52, Summer 1989″.

Paul goes on to repeat this sentiment of emotional frankness in the rest of the verse: “Did I ever open up my heart / Let you look inside?” A phrase that, in my opinion, so aptly encapsulates the issues Paul brought to the relationship, that I use it as a title for Paul-centered posts in the Don’t Let Me Down | Trust Issues series.

But to be honest, the thing that really convinced me that song was about him and John, was a moment in this session:

After singing the lines “Did I ever touch you on the cheek / Say that you were mine, thank you for the smile”, Paul mimics one of John’s characteristic smiles, as the wonderful @vairemelde illustrated in this post.

With all that said, it appears that all there is to do is to appreciate this wonderful piece of music.

Did I ever take you in my arms, / Look you in the eye, tell you that I do, / Did I ever open up my heart / Let you look inside?

If I never did it, I was only waiting / For a better moment that didn’t come. / There never could be a better moment / Than this one, this one.

The swan is gliding above the ocean, / A god is riding upon his back, / How calm the water and bright the rainbow / Fade this one to black.

Did I ever touch you on the cheek / Say that you were mine, thank you for the smile, / Did I ever knock upon your door / And try to get inside?

If I never did it, I was only waiting / For a better moment that didn’t come. / There never could be a better moment / Than this one, this one.

The swan is gliding above the ocean, / A god is riding upon his back, / How calm the water and bright the rainbow / Fade this one to black.

What opportunities did we allow to flow by / Feeling like the time it wasn’t quite right? / What kind of magic might have worked if we had stayed calm, / Couldn’t I have given you a better life?

Did you ever take me in your arms / Look me in the eye tell me that you do? / Did I ever open up my heart, / Let you look inside?

If I never did it, I was only waiting / For a better moment that didn’t come. / There never could be a better moment / Than this one, this one.

The swan is gliding above the ocean, / A god is riding upon his back, / How calm the water and bright the rainbow / Fade this one to black.

-

Tangents

I’m Scared To Say I Love You

What About The Night We Cried

Did I Ever Take You In My Arms 

The Surrealist

[sweetlilpaulie]

The Magical and Mysterious Wishing Well Pt.II

Request for a Pt. II w/ angst. I’m really sorry guys.

George X Reader

Caution: Language, misty eyes (maybe, depends on your mood)

~~~

The boys had just gotten back to the studio, and started recording again. Cynthia had to go back home, get ready for work, and so (y/n) was left alone with the boys, Eppy and George Martin.

She couldn’t believe her eyes. She was the first outsider to hear these songs. She watched intently, listening to each take, each change, each improvement and each step towards the song she knew would be a #1 hit in a few months. 

“I think I'm gonna be sad, I think it's today, yeah. The girl that's driving me mad, Is going away.”

She closed her eyes, getting lost in their voices, tapping her foot gently on the carpeted floor. 

“My baby don’t care,                                                                                               My baby don’t care,                                                                                                 My baby don’t care,                                                                                                 My baby don’t care...”

(y/n)’s eyes opened once they had finished and they immediately landed on the shy Beatle, who was looking at her, amusement in his own eyes.

“Excellent. We’re done for today, you can go home now.”

The boys let out a cheer, and escaped the room, taking themselves outside. (y/n) found herself following them out into the chilly breeze. 

“So, how’d we do?” George questioned her.

“Excellent. I have a feeling that song’s gonna be legendary.”

“You think so?”

Oh, I know so, honey.

“Yeah, I really do.”

He smiled.

She smiled back.

“George, a light if you please?” Paul had come out of nowhere, fag between his lips. George, clumsily shoved a hand in his pocket, in search for his lighter. Unfortunately, before he could grab it, it fell out of his pocket. 

He picked it up sheepishly, and thrust it into Paul’s palm. 

“Care for one, m’lady?” Paul pulled out his pack.

Only get to live once, right? Probably a really dumb idea.

“Sure. Thanks.”

He handed her the ciggie, and she licked her lips before placing it between them. Then George yanked his lighter back, and lit (y/n)’s for her. 

Taking in a breath, she felt the immediate need to cough. She forced herself not to, eyes watering slightly as she did so. She blew out the smoke.

Huh. Definitely a bad idea. Oh, well. 

Paul and George chatted with her, almost aggressively. It was as if the two boys where seeing who could get the most information out of her sooner. There was definitely also some tension in between the two boys, (y/n) had noticed. 

She cleared her throat, after the two had started arguing about something completely off topic, and very childish. 

“Er..boys, do you happen to know where the loo is?”

George pointed to the studio and was about to give directions, but Paul interrupted him. Again.

“Here, let me guide you.”

He put a hand on the small of your back and urged you forward.

“Oh c’mon Paul, it’s the loo for Christ’s sake.” George grumbled.

As much as you liked Paul, you felt he was pushing it just a little bit. You were having a bit of a moment with George, and he rudely interrupted. 

“And here we are.” 

“Yes, thanks. There was no need....”

“I know. Actually, I was hoping we could have a moment alone.” he bit his lip.

You raised an eyebrow. “For what reason may that be?”

“I was wondering...If you weren’t doing anything...maybe we could...get to know each other a little better? Maybe...dinner? Tonight? 5:30 or so...?”

Oh, God this can’t be happening. 

“Erm...well, I was actually gonna have dinner with George so...” she awkwardly wrung her wrists as she looked down at her very non 60s shoes. 

“Oh, of course...” he seemed a bit disappointed at that. “Maybe tomorrow then?”

How could I say no? I mean he’s Paul c’mon! Two dates with Beatles in the same week? 

“Yeah, I think that should work.” 

He looked like a giddy schoolboy. 

“Gear! I’ll see ya soon then!” he then surprisingly gave (y/n) a peck on the cheek.

Now, she slightly regretted saying yes. She felt bad for George, and somehow, even though they weren’t dating, they had just met for Christ’s sake, she still felt she was letting him down. She thought it best not to dwell on it too much though. 

~~~

Since (y/n) didn’t know where to go, she decided to head to the Lennon’s house, Cynthia being the only girlfriend she had in this time.

Knock, knock.

John opened the door, and gave a wide smirk. 

“Can’t seem to get you away from me, eh?”

Rolling her eyes she simply replied “I was looking for Cynthia.”

“Right. CYN!” he called for his wife.

She came running to the door, a wide grin on her face. 

“That’ll be all John, thank you love.”

He gave her a peck on the cheek and headed inside. 

“So, how may I be of assistance?”

“Uhm, well...I wasn’t sure what to wear, I’m kinda....er...going on a date with George, and I didn’t pack anything nice...”

“Say no more.” she pulled (y/n) into the house, taking her to her walk-in closet. 

She pulled out several things: a shift dress, a blouse and skirt, a beautiful chiffon gown...

“Ah, here it is!”

She finally pulled out a very cute salmon cocktail dress with ruffled straps.

She held it against (y/n)’s body.

“I think it should fit well.” 

“Thank you Cyn.”

“Of course, darling.”

Cynthia headed out of the room, and (y/n) quickly changed into the dress.

Once she had left the room, she found Cyn and John sitting on the sofa, both of them smoking a cig, John reading a book, and Cyn resting her head on his shoulder. (y/n) perceived it as very intimate, and felt bad for intruding. Cynthia seemed to notice her presence in the room and waved a hand for her to come and join them. 

“Would you care for a cuppa?”

“Yes, thank you.”

Cyn pushed the cup and saucer on the coffee table, towards (y/n). 

Soon enough, after 3 cups of tea, and to (y/n)’s dismay, another cigarette, a knock came on the door. John glanced up from his book, at the door.

“Another visitor, ay?”

“That must be George.” (y/n) started to stand up, but Cynthia beckoned her back into her seat. 

“Here, allow me.”

She opened the door. 

“Hello George! Er... and Paul?”

What?!

“Hello Cyn.” (y/n) could recognize that voice from anywhere. 

What the hell is Paul doing here?!

“Well, (y/n) is coming.”

She stood up, legs wavering, slightly. 

When she came to the door, sure enough both George and Paul where standing there waiting to greet her. 

“Uhm, hello...” she muttered awkwardly.

Paul gave her a toothy grin, along with a greeting, George merely mumbled a ‘hi’ and barely glanced her way.

What’s with him?

They escorted her to the car. Paul, gentlemanly, opened the door for (y/n) as George went to the driver’s seat to start the car. She very uncomfortably, had sit in-between the two boys, who took up a lot of space.

This is not what I was thinking. 

Paul tried to initiate some conversation, but she just ended up giving monosyllabic answers, still wondering what his problem was. 

They had gotten to a club, which when they entered was filled with heat, music, and the stench of potent alcohol. 

So much for a nice dinner. 

They sat at the bar, and the bartender asked what they wanted. 

“A brandy for me.” George offered. Then he turned to you, which was the first time he had done so this entire night. But, it was not a look she liked very much “What d’ya want?”

“Er, a bottle of red, please.”

“I’ll have a scotch, ta.” Paul piped up.

George slammed the cash on the wood, making (y/n) jump slightly.

They drank some of their beverages. She never really liked the taste of alcohol, but she supposed that’s all you’d get at a bar. 

Paul once again, tried to start a conversation, whilst George silently nursed his drink. He was quickly becoming very drunk. 

They call it liquid courage for a reason.

Or more like, liquid stupidity. 

George slipped, rather awkwardly, out of his seat, and off to a girl who happened to glance his way several times through the night. 

Right in front of (y/n), he kissed her long and slow, eyes still on his date.

Asshole.

After having a very unnecessarily long make out session, he pulled her into the bathroom. Before the door had fully closed, he sent a smirk her way. Paul had seen the whole escapade as well, and was very annoyed himself.

“I dunno what’s up with him. He come’s to me askin’ if he wants to join ye at the club, and I knew he fancied you the moment he saw you. Now he’s off ter shag some skank.” 

“I don’t know either.” you frowned at the now closed door. You had worshipped George, always adored his style and his voice, his seemingly kind personality, but you guess maybe you didn’t know him well enough. He was, at the moment, being a drunk blockhead, and you lost all the admiration you had once had for him.

Soon enough, they came out the bathroom, recent activities, evident in their faces.  He gave her another kiss, and walked back to where Paul and (y/n) were sitting.

“So, you gonna fuck yet?” he snarled. 

“Excuse me?!” she choked out.

He rolled his eyes at her. “’ts obvious. So why don’t you get it done already?” 

“I have no idea what the hell is up with you, but you’re acting like a ass, and it’s pissing me off.” she glared at him, arms crossed. 

“Yeah, it’s pisses you off? I should be the one who’s pissed off! Leadin’ me on, and then goin off with Paul. If ya didn’t want me, just fuckin’ tell me so!” 

“Well, I certainly don’t want you anymore, George Harrison.” she fumed. And before she knew what she was doing, she pulled Paul’s face to hers. He lips melted into hers and they had a fight for dominance. When, they pulled apart, Paul looked at her with an air of shock, but obvious pleasure and lust in his eyes. George’s mouth dropped open, but then he quickly scowled, and headed towards the entrance.

“I see you’ve made your choice. I hope your happy.” he spat bitterly.

“I hate you George Harrison. I’ve now seen how cruel you really are.”

And with that, she never spoke another word to the man.

~~~

I’m so SO sorry, that took me 5 million years, I’m finally done! Hope you enjoyed. It’s kinda long, so yeah.. anyways, have a good day!

[crimsonrevolt]

Congratulations Kim you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Andromeda Tonks!

↳ please refer to our character checklist

I can’t tell you how absolutely thrilled we all were to find your app in our inbox! You sum up perfectly the contrasting aspects of her personality along with some wonderful headcanons and gave us a deeper look into who she is making her so very well fleshed out. The writing sample was beautiful and provided an insight into how the war is affecting Andromeda as well as exploring her relationship with her husband and daughter. Welcome to the group and we can’t wait to see what you do with Andromeda.

application beneath the cut

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

Hello! My name is Kim, I’m 23, she/her are my pronouns and my timezone is EST.

ACTIVITY

I’m on pretty much every single day. I haven’t done group rps in the longest time because of life but I’d love to get back into them. I have been doing 1x1′s however, and I’m active on those every day/every other day so I would give myself about an 7.5-8/10.

TRIGGERS

*removed for privacy

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

I found you through the ‘hp rp’ tag. Like I said I’m dying to get back into group rps!

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?

Probably Harry himself (because I too could never catch a break), but in all honesty I think I fell in love with Harry’s sense of adventure, loyalty and constant need to please others. I can relate.

ANYTHING ELSE?

None that I can think of at this time!

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER

Andromeda Walburga Tonks, née Black. Andromeda means persistence and ruler of men, and is a constellation in the northern sky. It is fitting for a steadfast woman like Andromeda and she is actually very content with her name. The first one, at least. Andromeda hates her middle name, Walburga, mostly because it is the name of her aunt whom she cannot stand for good reason.

FACE CLAIM

Jenna Coleman is perfect!

REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER

Andromeda was actually the first character that I began playing in tumblr rp around seven years ago. I connected to her right off the bat because I felt like she was such an underrated, unexplored character with one of the most fascinating backstories in the Harry Potter universe. A woman who left everything she had ever known to marry a muggleborn must have so many different conflicts, demons and emotions, and I was really drawn to fleshing out what those could be.  

I see Andromeda as a very conflicted character. Unlike most members of her family she was always an individual thinker, taking what her family fed her and questioning them at every turn. Admittedly when she was younger she bought into it easier than when she first began attending Hogwarts. When her entire world was within the walls of Black Manor, it was easy not to be subjected to the ‘monsters’ her parents would complain about on a daily basis. But Andromeda just truly did not understand what was so wrong with these seemingly normal wizards and witches, going as far as questioning them one day as to why they hated them so. To Andromeda they truly didn’t seem so bad. Andromeda received a strike across the cheek from her mother, and never again did she outwardly question their beliefs. Until Ted, of course.

Andromeda is probably a mess of contradictions. She comes from a pureblood, preppy family and grew up to prefer parties with friends than lavish balls, leather jackets than ballgowns. An originally quiet girl she really grew into her own and gained a voice most prominently after meeting Ted. Finally she realized that her life truly never resided in the confines of Black Manor in the luxurious world of the purebloods. Andromeda preferred fire and brim, muggle record players and London pubs, spending time with newfound friends other than senior purists. It took a lot for her to grow out of her biases and learn from her mistakes, and while she is still the lady she was raised to become Andromeda has learned to stop squashing her rebellious spirit…which she feels guilty about from time to time. Like I said, it’s complicated.

PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS

Andromeda & Ted // Heterosexual // She/Her Pronouns

Ted Tonks is Andromeda’s saving grace. Meeting him turned Andromeda’s world upside down, prompting her to question everything that she thought she had known from the moment he had caught her attention. It wasn’t love at first sight by any means – Andromeda’s own insecurities and doubts certainly left her guarded at first. But Ted always had a funny effect on her. Soon she was unable to get him off of her mind. He filled her every thought, every whim, every desire. It came as no surprise that he found a place within her heart. Ted is the other half of her whole, the love her life. Every day Andromeda falls more and more in love with her husband, and will never regret her decision to choose him over her family, especially whenever she looks at their daughter.

Many would probably be surprised to learn that Andromeda is actually a very sexually positive person. It probably has to do with her stuffy upbringing, having been viewed for years as the ‘untouchable Andromeda Black.’ But she finds sex and intimacy to be extremely important. Ted is the only man she’s ever been with and always will be. Andromeda has always been a curious girl by nature, eager to learn and try new things. Ted opened her up to so many different things that she hadn’t known even existed, and I’d imagine that sex would have just been another thing she was eager to learn from him when they got together.

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER:

Determined/Stubborn - There’s really no stopping Andromeda once her mind is set on something. It was why there was no dissuading her once she realized that she wanted a life more than what her parents had planned for her, and there was no stopping her when she decided to leave them for a muggleborn. Andromeda now remains most determined to keep her family together, at whatever cost. Ted and Nymphadora are her entire world now, and she lives in fear that her old family will try and rip it from her. This goes hand-in-hand with how stubborn she can be. It’s difficult to sway her once her mind is set on something.

Loyal - Andromeda is loyal to a fault. She is protective over her family and her friends, and there isn’t anything that she wouldn’t do to keep them safe. Funny, considering many purebloods would not see her as loyal. They see her as disloyal and traitorous, but what they don’t know is how much she struggled with the decision to leave. In the beginning she couldn’t stand knowing that the relationship she had with her sisters. Andromeda loves her sisters and she always will, even though she completely and utterly abhors what Bellatrix does. A part of her hopes that they will see the fault in their ways just like her…but she isn’t holding her breath waiting for that to happen.

Brave - It takes a large amount of bravery to completely leave everything that she had known for a life of the unknown but that was exactly what Andromeda. She has always had a streak of bravery that has led to where she is today. Andromeda was brave when she stayed in her room during countless Black parties, resigned to a book while protesting everything all the party guests stood for. She was brave sneaking out to be with Ted and their friends, and she was brave when she ultimately made the decision to change her life to be with them. Now she is brave in the way that she continues to fight to keep her family together, and despite her worries and doubts nothing will stop her from keeping her loved ones safe.

Emphatic/Feisty - When Andromeda was younger she was considered a quiet child, which was a big mistake. Andromeda isn’t quiet. She is polite and understanding but quiet she is not, and she really came into that trait as she matured. Just like her beloved Sirius, Andromeda learned to speak out against her family and hold her head high in her differing beliefs. Now she has no problem being passionate and loud and outspoken, although there are some hesitancies when she comes across someone from her past. Andromeda may be loud but she isn’t foolish; she wouldn’t say or do something to put Ted and Nymphadora in danger.

Afraid of letting others down/Self-Conscious - Leaving her family was the hardest thing that Andromeda ever has and will ever have to do. It shattered her heart leaving behind everything that she had ever known and abandoning her home. As time as passed most, but not all, of her wounds have healed. Still, she remains terrified of letting others down. She knows the awful, crushing feeling when disappointing someone, most harshly felt by the disappointment from her sisters. Perhaps it is from her upbringing why she is so worried of how she will perceived and if she is making the right decisions, but especially nowadays Andromeda has to think out her every move to ensure that she does not endanger those close to her.

Headcanon: If you ask Andromeda what her favorite music is she would say ABBA. Or The Beatles. Honestly it depends on the day and what kind of mood she is in. Marrying a muggleborn opened her world to plenty of new and exciting things, including muggle music. Andromeda holds a special fondness for muggle music, and she usually has some kind of record playing in the house when she’s home with Nymphadora.

Headcanon: Before motherhood Andromeda couldn’t cook to save her life. Her family never taught her (since that was house elves were for as her mother liked to say) and she was hopeless following recipes. Apparently they were even more complicated than potions, a class she excelled in at Hogwarts. After she and Ted were married Andromeda tried her hand at cooking. The first night she almost burnt down the kitchen after fiddling with the oven. Needless to say, she leaves major kitchen duty to her husband.

Headcanon: Her favorite book is a muggle one, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. It was the first book she picked up at a muggle bookstore that Ted had brought her to and she reads it every year at Christmastime.

Headcanon: Andromeda’s patronus is a chestnut mare. The chestnut mare has an appetite for freedom and is adventurous at heart. They often follow their own path, and are passionate creatures. They are highly emotional as well as family and friend oriented.

Headcanon: Andromeda’s amortentia is a mixture of vanilla (her favorite scent), leather (because it reminds her of Ted), pages from an old book and Christmas trees (because Christmas is her favorite time of year).

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it:

“Perhaps a spell that would prevent my daughter from changing her hair color or facial features whilst out in muggle London. I know that she cannot help herself – she takes after her father in that regard – but there’s only so many obliviation charms a woman can do.”

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you:

“I cannot imagine choosing anyone other than Ted, especially if we are venturing into the Forbidden Forest.” Andromeda paused, a funny little smile crossing her lips as she fondly shook her head. “Although I can only imagine how worried he would be despite my constant insistence that I could handle myself. Regardless, I would take Ted and a flashlight if a wand is impermissible. There’s no navigating that forest without one.”

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?

The decisions that she has made in her life were already some of the most difficult one could possibly make and Andromeda knows that all too well. “Anything regarding my family. Whether or not it is safe to take Nymphadora somewhere, or if I am making the right decision in protecting them. Everything that I do, I do for them.”  

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you?

“I’ve learned not to care what people say of me.” Such knowledge has not stopped her, however. “I’ve been a hot topic of conversation since I was sixteen.” In reality, however, Andromeda despises having it said that what she did was a mistake. Many did, particularly those pure of blood. But she cannot stand the thought that there are those who believe that Ted and Nymphadora are a mistake.

WRITING SAMPLE

It was truly a picture perfect moment, one that Andromeda wouldn’t have any other way. It was everything that she wished to obtain in a world like the one of today. Sitting on a couch in front of the fire, a sleeping husband on one side and a sleeping daughter curled up on his chest. In the Tonks household no one would have known that there was a storm brewing just outside the window, a war within a world where no one appeared to be safe. But right then and there Andromeda had her husband and her daughter, a roaring fire, and a moment of peace. How much more could she have asked for?

With everything that was going on they deserved the moments of normalcy, moments where they could all be together as a family. That evening Andromeda had found an old scrapbook, her curiosity and wave of nostalgia prompting her to open it. She flipped through pictures of her and Ted and their years at Hogwarts. Nymphadora had laughed at the fact that Andromeda somehow looked even smaller next to her giant of a husband and laughed at the funny faces that he would make until both her and her daughter were laughing at him and Ted was grinning from ear to ear. At some point they had all grown tired over pictures and stories and the warmth of the fire and had drifted off to sleep, leaving Andromeda still smiling to herself and more content than she had been for a long time. But a picture perfect moment never lasted forever.

It was only after Ted and Nymphadora had fallen asleep did the thoughts begin to creep in, the thoughts that she tried to keep at bay. What would happen if she lost all of it? What would happen if this was the last night that she was able to sit on the couch with Ted and their daughter? Andromeda’s eyes fell upon the open scrapbook that was in her lap, focusing on a picture of her and Ted smiling and laughing without a care in the world. At first glance it would be easy to miss the worry that was in her younger version’s eyes as she stared up at her. She could see the paranoia that it would all disappear in the blink of an eye, that she would lose everything that she had fought so hard to attain. But Andromeda knew that she was a ticking time bomb, someone wanted in the eyes of many for abandoning her family and committing the almighty sin of marrying a muggleborn and bearing his child. Everyday it seemed like more and more people were disappearing or dying and all that she could do was hold onto her family by keeping them safe, protecting them, making sure that they were happy while the situation outside their four walls was growing more and more dim with each passing day.

Andromeda knew her husband loved her and that they could get through all of this together. But what would happen if it all disappeared? Everything that Andromeda had ever dreamed of, and it killed her that she couldn’t say for certain what the future would bring. She would comfort everyone that it would all be okay with a smile and a reassuring word but the truth was that she was terrified. As things grew darker, as it became more and more dangerous for herself and her family, what would stop Ted from taking their daughter and leaving? What would stop him from wanting to protect himself and their daughter? If he was gone in the morning Andromeda wouldn’t even blame him. It would kill her but she wouldn’t blame him. It would mean that Andromeda would have failed in protecting them, in keeping her family together. And Andromeda couldn’t have that. She wouldn’t have that.

“Andy?” The voice of her husband snapped her out of the more darker thoughts and brought her back to reality. She was still on the couch, still before the fire with Ted and Nymphadora by her side. She was still where she wanted to be, with the people that she wanted to be with. And that’s enough for me she silently reminded herself as she looked up from the scrapbook and turned to see Ted’s eyes looking up at her. A smile slowly spread onto her lips as she shuffled forward on the couch, leaving the scrapbook behind. Carefully she rested upon his chest, wrapping her arm around both her husband and daughter as she tilted her chin up toward him, stealing a quick kiss. “Go back to sleep, my love,” she murmured against his skin, turning her head to rest against his shoulder. Her eyes were drawn back to the fire, the effortless dancing of the flames. The world may have been burning outside their door but Andromeda would be damned if she allowed the metaphorical fire inside her home. “Everything’s okay.”

[rinpanna]

tagged in this Meme by @kageyama-tobiyo SMASH that mofo read more if u give a shit abt my existence 

1. Are you named after someone? 

i’m pretty sure i’m named after my mom’s grandmother??

2. When was the last time you cried? 

I think it was like a month or so ago, my mom was being overcontrolling and i kinda lost it (SHES A REALLY GREAT PERSON LIKE 99% OF THE TIME THO IT WAS JUST YEARS OF BUILD UP EXPLODING AT ONCE)

3. Do you like your handwriting? 

I joke a lot about how my handwriting is shit, which it is, but i still like it because it’s MINE and only mine you know??

4. What is your favorite lunch meat? 

“Im not much of a lunch meat kind of girl. Peanut butter is my thing.” THIS ANSWER DEFINES ME PERFECTLY, THANKS DAWN (i eat 3 jar of pb in 2 day)

5. Do you have kids? i am a MINOR!!!!!!!!!

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? not to sound narcissistic but yes, i literally never fight with my friends bc i am a Chill person and i am always there for emotional support. but if u dont like loud ppl, you would h8 me :^)

7. Do you use sarcasm? nEVer with adults/strangers but ALWAYS w friends

8. Do you still have your tonsils? yes

9. Would you bungee jump? “Remove the cord and we have a deal ;)” SAME DAWN SAME, but i would also bungee jump with a cord

10. What is your favorite kind of cereal? LIFE CINNAMON CEREAL I LOVE THAT SUGARY TOOTH ROTTING SHIT MMMMMMMMMMM 👌👌👌👌👌👌

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? depends, if im thinking about the next day and how it’ll be easier if i just untie them now, yes, but i am not normally prudent like this

12. Do you think you’re a strong person? I think i’m a lot more mentally strong than some people, and physically im Ok could be better. i could definitely kick @acejugs ass tho

13. What is your favorite ice cream? i can’t eat real ice cream bc dairy allergy but FAKE ice cream i love chocolate or cookies and “””cream”””

14. What is the first thing you notice about people? ASS, jk uhhhh idk it sound cheesey but i really dO only judge people by their personality most of the time. like if they’re a dick off the bat im like :^^)

15. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself?

i used to really not like that im kinda Chub but now i embrace it. i guess my height????? (IM 5′1 WTF IS THIS BS)

16. What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? skin color shoes (aka: none) and blue pants with snow flakes on them bc during the weekends (sometimes bleeding into weekdays) i dont change out of my pajamas 

17. What are you listening to right now? nothing actually, but as i was doing my 59999 pounds of hw today, i listened to 

-carrie and lowell- sufjan stevens

-all of the kagepro songs- jin

-yuri on ice track from ost 1 hr loop

-weeb mixes on 8tracks

-atlas year one- sleeping at last (thanks @mochiiron )

18. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? pepe green so the children can get their daily meme fill

19. Favorite smell? this is gonna sound creepy as FUCK, but i perceive a lot thru smell especially with people so like. i love the smells of my friends (EVERYONE SMELLS SO DIFFERENT I SWEAR) and my mom and people i have crushes on (im like 90% sure i fall for people bc of their smell what kind of 2000 B.C. era head Ass)

20. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? mom callin about groceries

21. Favorite sport to watch? HOCKEY or figure skatin lmao i’ve never done an ice sport im a fake fan

22. Hair color? black bc chinese ancestry yall

23. Eye color? Dark dark drak dark aDark brown

24. Do you wear contacts? No my prescription is only like -1,-1.5 so i rarely even wear my glasses lol

25. Favorite food to eat? im like high key obsessed with food so i cannot answer this question w a single answer.

-pb

-plain fuckin bread

-moms chicken soup

-CAKE

-poptarts

-lo mein

-carrots 

-pesto

-etc

(also: why is the eat in this question?????what else do u do with food?????? scream at it???)

26. Scary movies or comedy?

i never watch movies uhhh i’d probably pick comedy before scary tho

27. Last movie  anime you watched? i dont watch movies lol-- mob psycho 100 with my friend but i’m not done and she is o-(--<

28. What color of shirt are you wearing? my shirt is gray but i’m wearing a hoodie on top of it which is navy blue (no bra tho ;;)))) 

29. Summer or winter? SPRING

30. Hugs or kisses? hugs, i wont even let my mom kiss me lmao

31. What book are you currently reading? Going After Cacciato for school (its ok) and im about to start Ash by Malinda Lo (like after i finish this meme im oUT)

32. Who do you miss right now? i feel really bad but like/??  i rarely actually miss people? like when i hear from someone i haven’t heard from in a long time im HAPPY but rarely do i ever like mentally/physically ache for ppl (even my best best friends). but i guess i always miss my grandma because she’s kinda old and im always worried about her health and wanna be w her everyday :(

33. What is on your mouse pad? what year is it, 2006

34. What is the last TV program you watched? LMFAOOOO YOU THOUGHT I WATCHED TV, my mom had me watch a news thing about the yayoi kusama exhibit in DC tho earlier today, i genuinely can’t remember the source tho

35. What is the best sound? i don’t have a fave sound but i have plenty of sounds that i h8. i guess just in general good music is best sound

36. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? im not pretentious enough about music to answers this, sorry 

37. What is the furthest you have ever traveled? probably antarctica! my mom worked in the travel dept at National Geographic when i was in elementary school so i got to go a Lot of really cool places

38. Do you have a special talent? i have an 80% accuracy rate for catching food after throwing it in the air. nat also thinks that being able to read and walk my dog is a talent but ????? i think a lot of ppl can do that. OH best talent: literally being able to turn everything into a meme

39. Where were you born? 

xiantan, hunan province, china!

[eckshecks]

Posts

36

Posted byu/EXHEXBAND Ex Hex6 hours ago ASK EX HEX! AMA is over, thanks Ex Hex!!! Something you wanna know about Ex Hex? Ask us all your burning questions, we're here!

115 Comments Share

Save 97% Upvoted What are your thoughts? Log in or Sign up LOG IN SIGN UP SORT BY

OLD

level 1 art36 5 points · 5 hours ago Since burning questions are on the table, how many BIC lighters have you lost in your lifetime?

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 7 points · 5 hours ago None, I still have all of my bic lighters in a drawer -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 3 art36 3 points · 4 hours ago Champ 🏆

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 Duckbreather 1 point · 5 hours ago What are your fave rock bios? Any new fx on this new album/tour? What’s the story of the amazing sleeve design?

Thank you! X

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 5 hours ago "Please Kill Me", "Fast Ride Out of Here" by Pete Way, "Here, There, and Everywhere : My Life Reording the Music of The Beatles" bu Geoff Emerick, "I Brought Down The MC5" by Michael Davis....-LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 Endwithand 1 point · 5 hours ago How real is the new album?

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 5 points · 4 hours ago Well, it seems so real I can see it And it seems so real I can feel it And it seems so real I can taste it And it seems so real I can hear it

Buzcocks RIP PS. xo MT

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 fallingdowndown 1 point · 5 hours ago What was your favorite quote song lyrics back then when you started making music and today? - Ciao!

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago How about that song "Donuts make my Brown Eye Blue" by Cristal Gayle. LOL :) MT

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 DadHat78 5 points · 5 hours ago Hi Team Ex Hex! The swirly vinyl should be coming from Rough Trade any day now. I am very excited. I'm charmed that teaching guitar lessons served as a way towards forming this band. So how neat would it be to have an Ex Hex tab book published?

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 5 points · 4 hours ago WILL YOU DO IT FOR US??

Reply Share Report Save

level 3 DadHat78 4 points · 4 hours ago If Merge produces one and only one tab book, that should be it.

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 ModernGirl 1 point · 5 hours ago Love you all so much..

How do you think indie/rock music has changed (and the band) in the five years since Rips and It's Real? After Another DeMINTion what would be the next food each of you would love an Ex Hex reference to?

I'm such a huge fan, thank you so much for a follow up record and can't wait to see you in a few weeks!

[edit for clarity]

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago Thank you!! I wanna write more songs about ice cream. But we love snacks in general, so the song subjects are endless! XO -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 3 ModernGirl 1 point · 4 hours ago Rainbow Shiner sprinkles on Another DiMINTion was a missed opportunity.

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 3 points · 4 hours ago I dunno laura what do you think? I think we should probably have ex hex chocolate bars next

Reply Share Report Save

level 3 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago and thank YOU!

Reply Share Report Save

level 3 ModernGirl 2 points · 4 hours ago You Fell Apart chocolate squares?

Reply Share Report Save

level 4 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago good idea!!!

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 cbandy 4 points · 5 hours ago Hi I love your new record! When you write music usually, do you set aside time to work on a song, or do you wait for inspiration to come to you?

I know that’s kind of a vague question but I’m interested in your process since I find your songs so catchy - they seem effortless in a way

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago hmmm... I think both of those things. I'm glad it SEEMS effortless lol! We put in a lot of time tweaking things and re writing them, editing stuff out, etc... so nice to hear you've been enjoying it. -MT

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 sara520 5 points · 5 hours ago Hey guys 🤗 there has been a lot of online discussion this week on whether or not Alanis Morissette’s “Jagged Little Pill” holds up. What 90’s album do you each think hold up the best today? (Saying The Dirt Of Luck is cheating even though it’s true)

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 7 points · 4 hours ago The Chronic? Any Gories records? Aquemini, The Soft Bulletin, Teengenerate. So many...-LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 MyFloppyCock 3 points · 5 hours ago I work too early to go to shows on weekdays very often, but I wanna see y'all when you come to Dallas. What excuse should I use to buy myself a couple extra hours sleep the next morning?

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 8 points · 4 hours ago Say your rotating your energy and balancing your chi for success, peace, and happiness! This excuse always works ;) -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 6 points · 4 hours ago Tell your boss that we trapped you backstage and force fed you IceCream, and you had a real sugar crash

Reply Share Report Save

level 3 MyFloppyCock 3 points · 4 hours ago One time I actually was late to work because I ate a stupid amount of candy and then passed out without setting an alarm so this one's a little too real

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 BRAlNWASH 4 points · 5 hours ago I’ve noticed a few artists calling this out lately; how often do venues take a cut of merch sales? It seems not right because I don’t see them giving a band a cut of drink and food sales. But alas I’m not inside the business so I don’t really know or understand the whole picture.

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 4 points · 4 hours ago Bigger venues tend to take a small percentage of merch sales. Yeah thats a good point actually! -MT

Reply Share Report Save

level 3 BRAlNWASH 2 points · 4 hours ago Thank you for clarifying that for me. See y'all next week in Richmond!

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 whyRUsoconvinced 1 point · 5 hours ago Mary, would you like to jam in Northampton, MA (or somewhere near) sometime if you're in town? Maybe somewhere else? I've just always wanted to play some guitar with you, maybe learn something. I'm a recent college grad, I play in local bands and I have music online :)

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 JayLenoBlows 3 points · 5 hours ago Howdy, I love your work!! Favorite records for rainy days? If you collect music physically, what's your best record store find?

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 4 points · 5 hours ago I love Suggie Otis. we just played at Crooked Beat in VA, that's a pretty cool joint. I also really love Joes record Paradise in Silver Spring MD. this is MT btw

Reply Share Report Save

level 3 JayLenoBlows 1 point · 4 hours ago Thank you so much for the reply :)

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 GetYourFaceAdjusted 5 points · 5 hours ago It seems like the live music scene is picking up in D.C. with three new venues at the Wharf alone. Does it feel like the crowds are becoming more responsive? Do you think the D.C. reputation of having dead crowds is deserved? Any other DC bands I should be aware of (besides Bat Fangs)? Really enjoying the new album! Tough Enough has such a strutting rhythm, really fun.

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 9 points · 4 hours ago We love The Messthetics, Flasher, Gauche, Teen Cobra, Desdemonas, the list goes on really! That dead crowd thing is a nasty rumor!-LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 AMC_Mark 3 points · 5 hours ago have you ever tried microdosing?

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 4 points · 4 hours ago HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAH

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 4 points · 4 hours ago OMG

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 danimal6000 2 points · 4 hours ago Macrodosing is way more fun

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 TracyJackson 3 points · 5 hours ago I've got the impression that, while Rips was more in the power pop/punk rock vein, It's Real draws from more influences pre-punk: classic rock, even some psychedelia. What's your stance on the often perceived antagonism between these genres? How do they / don't they connect? And while we're at it, I always love hearing about musician's favorite records, so what are some of your all-time faves in these genres - and if there's something close to your heart that doesn't fit within these categories, also beyond?

Anyway, thanks for one of the few current takes on rock'n'roll I truly enjoy!

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 4 points · 4 hours ago Wow that's a tough one! well, we really do pull inspiration and influence from all of the above mentioned genres. The antagonism between them is not really something we pay attention to-we just are drawn to sounds we like. I love how these subcategories inform each other and continue to morph and merge and split through different artists. I guess thats pretty psychedelic! -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 AnDeluzion 3 points · 4 hours ago Any advice on approaching your favorite musicians at shows? I'm working up the guts to say hi back to Laura Harris. She said hi to me twice at Ex Hex gigs and I giggled and got bashful and vanished.

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 3 points · 4 hours ago HI! I like it when people say hello, I assume most people do. I hope you do since I keep saying it to you! -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 yourenorocknrollfun 3 points · 4 hours ago Will the video for "New Kid" ever be released? Also do you like meatballs?

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 4 points · 4 hours ago maybe? We shot it and never finished editing it. Think it might be in the works at some point. welllll the meatball question is p difficult. hmmmm....I mean I just got food poisoning from some Hello Fresh meatballs last week, so I think I'd say I need some time to think about my answer?? -MT

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 6 points · 4 hours ago Vegetarian meat balls! in red sauce. -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 ModernGirl 2 points · 4 hours ago Are you my lost friend?

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 leafysun 3 points · 4 hours ago First heard you at Landmark in 2015. What was it like playing a stage like that, and do you think they should bring a festival like that back to DC? (I for one day yes, especially since Sweetlife is no more)

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 4 points · 4 hours ago oh cool! Yeah we did really like playing at that fest, and hope something similar comes back to DC.

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 jtouhill 5 points · 4 hours ago For Mary: I lived in Providence, RI, during the mid- to late-‘90s, and I saw Helium several times at venues like Lupo’s and the Met Cafe. Were there any Providence bands from that time period that you particularly enjoyed (e.g., Small Factory, Scarce, Velvet Crush, Thee Hydrogen Terrors, Lightning Bolt, or others)? Also, I know you played with the Dambuilders and the Flying Nuns quite a bit back then (both great bands), but were there any other mid- to late-90s bands from Boston that you thought were great, but might’ve been less well-known? Thanks!

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 4 points · 4 hours ago HI! Oh cool. Yes I was buddies with peeps in Scarce and Small Factory, in the early and mid 90s'. liked velvet Crush too. I don't think Lightning Bolt was a think until pretty late 90s?

yeah I liked Spore, Fan Modine, magnetic fields

Reply Share Report Save

level 3 jtouhill 3 points · 4 hours ago Thanks for replying. Lightning Bolt actually formed at RISD in ‘94, and I think the first time I saw them was in early-‘95. Back then, they were a 3-piece, with Hisham Bharoocha (later of Black Dice) on vocals and guitar.

Reply Share Report Save

level 4 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago oh dang

Reply Share Report Save

level 5 jtouhill 2 points · 4 hours ago P.S. I live in Madison, WI, now; so I’ll be seeing you play here in a couple of weeks. Best of luck on the rest of the tour too.

Reply Share Report Save

level 3 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago oooh I forgot Swirles and Syrup USA. LOVED Swirles so much

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 ytsurr 5 points · 4 hours ago Not so much a question but a declaration: you guys slayed at crooked beat this weekend! It’s Real is the real thing! Much love, xx.

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 4 points · 4 hours ago Thank you:)!

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 3 points · 4 hours ago awww thanks :)

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 danimal6000 3 points · 4 hours ago Have you ever seen a ghost?

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 3 points · 4 hours ago I haven't I don't think, but definitely felt the presence. One unlocked my door at a haunted hotel. It was thrilling!!! -Its a long story, Ill write a horror movie based on it someday. -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 5centraise 3 points · 4 hours ago Mary, how do you like the Giles, Giles & Fripp album you bought at Amoeba for the What's In My Bag video? They are some of my favorite musicians, but their other album is mostly a bunch of silly stories, and I'm scared to buy this one.

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 3 points · 4 hours ago why thanks you for asking. I enjoy GG&F... maybe not my fave record in the world but cool

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 3 hours ago oh but wait that song Talk to the Wind is on it, that song is soooo good

Reply Share Report Save

level 3 5centraise 1 point · 3 hours ago OK, you talked me into it! I'm going to track down a copy. Thanks for answering, and for all the great music.

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 future_of_music 2 points · 4 hours ago Desert island 3 favorite FX pedals? (Are gear questions fun or annoying?)

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 1 point · 4 hours ago I would say: MXR Carbon Copy delay, Earthquaker Acapolco Gold, and Bets and I just both got the Pyramids Flanger they make which is pretty cool -mt

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 comic-sans-culottes 1 point · 4 hours ago Hi, what are your current favorite/most used alternate tunings or pedals? Thanks

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago DADGBE, DADGAE just normal old drop D and also sometimes dropping the B to and A....

Reply Share Report Save level 1 Comment deleted by user 4 hours ago

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago Thank You!!

Reply Share Report Save level 1 Comment deleted by user 4 hours ago

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago I think it was a pretty positive experience, It was nice to be around the scene and I feel glad it was happening here when I was in high school in the 80s. Made me want to play in a band for sure. -mt

Reply Share Report Save level 1 Comment deleted by user 4 hours ago

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 1 point · 4 hours ago It's a sensory experience. Great casting. Glad they got Tommy Lee's rollercoaster drum set in there. -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago I feel like we might need to text betsy to get an answer, I think she's already watched it twice?

Reply Share Report Save level 3 Comment deleted by user 4 hours ago

level 4 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago Paradise City -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 5 ModernGirl 2 points · 4 hours ago 🤔

Reply Share Report Save

level 6 danimal6000 1 point · 3 hours ago Yep

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 sleaterkinseyscale 2 points · 4 hours ago hey! from one DC resident to another, what are some of your favorite underrated spots in the city?

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 3 points · 4 hours ago The Franciscan Monastery of the Holy Land in America in North East. It has replicas of the catacombs in Rome among other cool stuff. Parrots, Parrots, Parrots, just Parrots in Falls Church, VA for a parrot fix. -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 3 LinusBlanket56 1 point · 3 hours ago I pass by Parrots, Parrots, Parrots, just Parrots all the time. I got to check this place out. It looks super rundown, and out of place.

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 3 points · 4 hours ago hmmmm. Laura what you think? Not sure about the underrated part. here are some friends businesses that rule! Elle, Mt Desert Ice Cream, Izakaya Seki, Black Cat, 9:30...

Reply Share Report Save

level 3 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago All these are excellent! if you can make it to any of these spots you're in for a treat! -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 mistertrick66 2 points · 4 hours ago Hey everybody, long time fan, my first ever club show was 8/8/02 when Mary, Erase Errata (Anxious Rats 4 Life) opened for Sonic Youth at the 930 Club, and was curious for you all what are your favorite DC club show memories either you played in or witnessed, whether it be the 930, Black Cat, R'nR Hotel or else where.

Love to you all, Patrick

RIP Skip Groff

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 DadHat78 2 points · 4 hours ago This is slightly weird, but what kind of animal would represent Ex Hex. I can see it be a Tiger.

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago A tiger head and Pegasus wings with a dragons fiery breath and the talons of a Roc. But with the heart of a Lion and the loyalty of a Golden Retriever -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago I would have to agree with this. or possibly a unicorn. to maybe a ZORCE? (horse-zebra) ALICORN? (unicorn and pegasus) -mt

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 QuirkyProtection 2 points · 4 hours ago What are your favorite clubs to play?

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago I like the Bowery Ballroom, Cat's Cradle, Black Cat, The Echo...-LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 1 point · 4 hours ago there are so many. We're loyal to DC so we love 9:30 and Clack Cat. but as far as other towns...there are too many to mention. off hand pretty much any club that has a really good sound system and is pretty comfortable to be in? it's pretty amazing how many venues have crappy sound systems/ or just aren't set up well acoustically

Reply Share Report Save level 1 Comment deleted by user 4 hours ago

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 1 point · 4 hours ago Maaaaayyybeeee...-lh

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 shannellll 1 point · 4 hours ago What kind of merch is in store for the upcoming tour? Excited to see y’all in Carrboro!

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago Some cool new stuff comin your way! enamel, rainbow print, were mixing it up a little so look out!-LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 Junkstar 3 points · 4 hours ago How is it that after 51 years, The Zombies O&O is still fresh?

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 3 points · 4 hours ago because its genius!! fave band ever -MT

Reply Share Report Save level 1 Comment deleted by user 4 hours ago

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago Jeez too many to remember-and more coming up! Its gonna be super fun to tour with our friends, Feels, and Moaning! -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 AnDeluzion 2 points · 4 hours ago Given how often you're either in the studio or on the road, does anyone in the band have time for love and relationships? How do you manage love and rock?

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago Its easy! j/k. -lh

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 danimal6000 1 point · 4 hours ago What’s your favorite Prince song? Mine is I Would Die 4 U.

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago Controversy really hits the spot for me. -LH

Reply Share Report Save level 1 Comment deleted by user 4 hours ago

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago Its Real being out! and this tour coming up! and pyrokinesis! -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 ATLjarcher 1 point · 4 hours ago MT just want to say thank you for devoting your life to this. I'm sure it seems a lot of the time like you're talking to a wall or something, and the pay sucks. It has to be very difficult to keep doing this, working crummy jobs in-between projects and scrambling to pay bills. But please keep at it. You're a very inventive musician.

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 1 point · 3 hours ago hugs to you xo M

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 AnDeluzion 2 points · 4 hours ago I know this isn't a question, I just wanted it to be known how much I love Ex Hex, and honestly the entire Mary Timony musical catalog. She was nice enough to take a picture with me once, and every once and a while I see it and it just makes me so happy. Also Betsy chatted with me once about Roy Orbison and Silverchair. I have so many lovely memories and I just wanted to say thanks :)

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago my goodness, thank YOU. thats so sweet xo Mary

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 LastGlass1971 1 point · 4 hours ago Besides copious amounts of ice cream, what kinds of self care do y'all enjoy to keep happy and healthy on tour?

P.S. Love y'all oodles and the trapper keeper that came with the album pack is dreamy.

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 2 points · 4 hours ago stretching! its very important. Lots of water. TV keeps me pretty happy on tour, also having a good pillow or using a good bag as a pillow. and vitamins. -LH

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 danimal6000 2 points · 4 hours ago Who would win in a fight between Ex Hex and Evil Ex Hex?

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 3 points · 3 hours ago the struggle between good and evil will never end!

Reply Share Report Save

level 2 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 5 points · 3 hours ago They would put down their swords and join forces to make a super Ex Hex!

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 4 points · 3 hours ago Okay everyone thanks so much!!! we had a blast answering all the questions. We gotta run now and pack for tour but we'll see you all soon we hope:)

-EX HEX

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 3 points · 3 hours ago oh no guys!! we gotta go!

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 EXHEXBAND Ex Hex 1 point · 3 hours ago THANKS YOU GUYS!! THIS WAS FUN! gotta run XO!!

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 danimal6000 1 point · 3 hours ago What’s in your Netflix queue?

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 AnDeluzion 2 points · 3 hours ago Does anyone in the band like Bon Jovi? Or is that too cheesy? I grew up with parents who listened to 80's rock and that band's production value always stuck out to me for some reason. Which may be more the producers/engineer's than the band

Reply Share Report Save

level 1 AnDeluzion 1 point · 3 hours ago Help settle a debate please: Does listening to music, as an adult, that you liked growing up inherently nostalgia? In my opinion, there's a fine line between liking something because it reminds you have a prior time/place, vs your tastes just having not changed at all over the years.

Reply Share Report Save

[self-doom-blog]

Chapter 1. "Doom"

noun.  Death, destruction, or some other terrible fate.

verb.  Condemn to certain destruction or death.

First of all, I’d like to say that most of the times I will not use my own words for what I’m about write on this blog, I have a really hard time trying to express myself and since I’ve never ever written or wrote before, I’ll be using a little help from quotes, songs, books, etc… -A

It’s so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself sometimes. I’m a mentally ill person, I’m suicidal, although it’s been years that I haven’t tried to kill myself, but you know… I'ts always on my mind, like a “plan B” if things ever go wrong. I’m considering suicide like ‘this is normal’.

Thinking this again... I'm not suicidal, but if a car came while I was crossing the street, I don't think I would move out of its way. And if someone held a gun to my head, I wouldn't exactly beg for my life. In fact, I'd tell them to go for it. No, I'm not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity to die without having to kill myself, I'd probably take it.

I don’t like being this way, it’s scary. I never choose to be this way but this is how I am. And this is my journey.

I’m 22. Self diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I bet that sound crazy. I know I’m no doctor to do so. Sometimes I feel like I have something more, sometimes I feel like having a much more deeper mental illness or maybe I have nothing at all… Who knows? In my life I have only attended to 3 different psychologists in life for behavior and mood problems. Did it help? No… I’m not saying seeking this kind of help is useless, it just didn’t work for me.

For introducing myself, I come from a very average family. Never suffered hunger, money was never a problem and I have always attended to private schools. There’s nothing wrong where I come from, I don’t blame anyone for my situation / condition. Right now I study medicine at a private university. I want to become a surgeon, a plastic surgeon to be more specific, my second option is being a psychiatrist.

I spend a lot of time in my kitchen, I live alone. I like that. I’m always on my laptop, doing absolutely nothing but listening to music. I do that 24/7. It’s like a therapy for me, I like rock, I am of those persons who likes ‘classic’ known bands such as  Queen, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Black Sabbath, David Bowie… I have a very extended taste in music, I enjoy anything that comes from the 60′s to 90′s, from country to heavy metal. I like songs for their lyrics more than for the rhythm. I don’t like today’s music, they only sing about butts, alcohol, women, partying, drugs, cars, money… I find it disgusting, boring and sometimes even repulsive. The point is that I spend a lot of time in iTunes, I don’t do anything else, I sing, I think, I sing, I think, I sing, I think… that’s the routine. Sometimes I isolate myself like ‘how am I going to avoid everyone today’. I have a secret tho. I talk alone. Like a schizophrenic person… but I know that I talk alone, I mean, I know there’s no one there. I do not confuse what’s real and what’s not. I just talk like there’s someone there to talk to, actually is like a group of people in my house. Yeah, like talking to imaginary friends, but I repeat, I know I am talking alone. Do I have real friends? Yes. I have 5 real friends, those kind of friends that are trustworthy. I don’t have ‘’part time friends’’ or ‘’party-only friends’’ or ‘’side friends’’ or whatever, you know… those extra friends. The 5 friends that I mention are beautiful people, they have never showed me disrespect of any kind, they help me with whatever I need, they guide me when I don’t know what to do, they help me with homework and with university stuff and so much more things. I prefer being with real people more than talking with my “extended personalities” (talking alone). When I’m talking alone I create different persons along with their personalities, I like to think that are just extensions of my own personality, like the person I cannot be, or the person I would like to be; for example, some of them are shy, they can be extrovert, they can be sarcastic and rude or they can be clownish and I create an image for each. I have never tell this to any doctor or psychologist and I have never been to a psychiatrist, for fear, like they can make me take pills or stay in a mental ward for sure. I know how it works. But as long as I think I’m sane I will keep it for myself. And does my family know about this ‘’extended personalities’’? No. I think they have heard me talking alone but I don’t think they find it alarming, because some people think out loud or talk to themselves… And I have said this to them, that sometimes I talk to myself… but not in the way I really do, that consist of creating various personas.

And I walk around in a dissociated state, not remember what I've done each day thinking 'it must be Halloween soon' even though its April.

Why am I writing this? The answer is simple. Sometimes I feel like taking out all this emotions in someway and this is it. 

I think this was just a little introduction for who I think I am. As the time passes I’ll write about my past, my thoughts, my everyday life, along with memories that comes to my mind at the moments. You’ll get to know me slowly.

You don’t understand? Trying to explain mental illness to someone who's never experienced it is like trying to explain color to a blind person.

If you want to read what Borderline Personality Disorder is like, here you go. This is how I feel, is pretty accurate for me.

***Borderline personality disorder (BPD)***

Pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by impulsivity, unstable affect, inconsistent interpersonal relationships and poor self-image. Some individuals also display uncontrollable anger and depression. Symptoms include intense fears of abandonment, sensitivity to feelings of rejection, and irritability of vague or uncertain origin. They often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment.

Self-harm, suicidal behavior, and substance abuse are commonly associated.

.SYMPTOMS.

-Splitting (thinking in extremes) -Chaos in relationships -Markedly disturbed sense of identity -Intense or uncontrollable emotional outbursts -Unstable interpersonal relationships and self-esteem -Concerns about abandonment -Self-damaging behavior -Distorted self-image -Impulsivity -Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage.

.EMOTIONS.

Feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and longer than others. In addition, emotions may repeatedly resurge and persist a long time. Consequently, it may take more time for people with BPD than others to return to a stable emotional baseline following an intense emotional experience.

The sensitivity, intensity, and duration with which people feel emotions have both positive and negative effects. People with BPD are often exceptionally enthusiastic, idealistic, joyful, and loving. However, they may feel overwhelmed by negative emotions (“anxiety, depression, guilt/shame, worry, anger, etc.”), experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance, and panic instead of nervousness. They are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, criticism, isolation, and perceived failure. Before learning other coping mechanisms, their efforts to manage or escape from their very negative emotions may lead to self-injury or suicidal behavior. They are often aware of the intensity of their negative emotional reactions and, since they cannot regulate them, they shut them down entirely. This can be harmful to people with BPD, since negative emotions alert people to the presence of a problematic situation and move them to address it which the person would normally be aware of only to cause further distress.

While people with BPD feel joy intensely, they are especially prone to dysphoria, depression, and/or feelings of mental and emotional distress.

There are 4 categories of dysphoria that are typical of this condition:

1.- Extreme emotions

2.- Destructiveness or self-destructiveness

3.- Feeling fragmented or lacking identity

4.- Feelings of victimization

Within these categories, a BPD diagnosis is strongly associated with a combination of three specific states: feeling betrayed, “feeling like hurting myself”, and feeling out of control.

In addition to intense emotions, people with BPD experience emotional lability; or in other words, changeability. Although the term emotional lability suggests rapid changes between depression and elation, the mood swings in people with this condition actually fluctuate more frequently between anger and anxiety and between depression and anxiety.

.BEHAVIOR.

Impulsive behavior is common, including substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex or indiscriminate sex with multiple partners, reckless spending, and reckless driving. Impulsive behavior may also include leaving jobs or relationships, running away, and self-injury.

People with BPD act impulsively because it gives them immediate relief from their emotional pain. However, in the long term, people with BPD suffer increased pain from the shame and guilt that follow such actions. A cycle often begins in which people feel emotional pain, engage in impulsive behavior to relieve that pain, feel shame and guilt over their actions, feel emotional pain from the shame and guilt, and then experience stronger urges to engage in impulsive behavior to relieve the new pain.

As time goes on, impulsive behavior may become an automatic response to emotional pain.

.RELATIONSHIPS.

Their feelings about others often shift from admiration or love to anger or dislike after a disappointment, a perceived threat of losing someone, or a perceived loss of esteem in the eyes of someone they value.

This phenomenon, sometimes called splitting, includes a shift from idealizing others to devaluing them. Combined with mood disturbances, idealization and devaluation can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. Self-image can also change rapidly from healthy to unhealthy.

While strongly desiring intimacy, they tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied attachment patterns in relationships, and they often view the world as dangerous and malevolent. BPD, like other personality disorders, is linked to increased levels of chronic stress and conflict in romantic relationships, decreased satisfaction on the part of romantic partners, abuse, and unwanted pregnancy.

.SENSE OF SELF.

Tend to have trouble seeing a clear picture of their identity. In particular, they tend to have difficulty knowing what they value, believe, prefer, and enjoy. They are often unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs. This difficulty with knowing who they are and what they value can cause to experience feeling “empty” and “lost”.