#probably connected to the fact that if I mention being a published writer

[angelofthemornings]

Man, they're making me bring a sketchbook and notepad to therapy Tuesday. They better not make me do art therapy. Art is the closest thing I have to a damn job, I'm going to spend the entire session evaluating color temperatures and light sources rather than like, my emotions. I can't decouple "expressing myself" and "learning a skill and a trade and how to execute it well."

And if they make me write a short story or poem about myself I will eat whatever's in their fishtank.

[heatherthetiredwriter]

20 Questions for Writers

Thanks for the tag @autumnwoodsdreamer <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Currently just one! I've got two others sitting around in drafts but I've not published them

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

8,742

3. What fandoms do you write for?

My one fic I've published is a crossover for three fandoms, Big Hero 6, Tangled: the Series, and Tales of Arcadia: 3 Below. So I guess I write for those three. And my other two unpublished fics are for Frozen and How to Train Your Dragon. DC as well kinda.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Well I've only got one so the list is just

A Game of Keep Away

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes! I love comments and try to respond to them as soon as I get them! They make me so happy! Though... I do have a problem with... comments.... that I know come from a specific person being on multiple accounts that I try not to engage with too much.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

So A Game of Keep Away is again the only one I've published and its got a LOT of angst and much more to come-- but my unpublished Frozen fanfic probably has the angstiest ending of them all

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

It's not really spoilers, especially since I haven't written it all yet, but A Game of Keep Away will have a happy ending! My unpublished, unfinished httyd fic probably has the happiest ending, but that fic is like never ending I swear---

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Never hate, which I'm glad for. I've had grammar police. But I don't mind them cos "dang it, how didn't I catch that?" My problem, again is mostly with the one specific person who comes and finds my fic no matter where I post it and comes at it with this energy that I do not enjoy. I am glad this person likes my fic but my goodness I don't need that energy in my space when I'm trying to write 😭

9. Do you write smut?

Nope.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Yes! I already mentioned my only published fic right now is a crossover! I love writing crossovers!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I've had so many things stolen off of Wattpad. So. Many. Stories. Oh my goodness.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I'm aware of!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I am currently co-writing a fic with my boyfriend and our other friend, its called The Last Bat and I am just remembering its also on AO3 I think and that means some of my answers might be incorrect bc I didn't take into account that fic but I don't care cos its not on my account its on his

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

How could you ask me to choose between my favorites like that??? But it might have to be one from How to Train Your Dragon? It was the first thing I really got into. I remember shipping Hiccup and Astrid so hard. And Heather and Fishlegs as well. So maybe one of those two.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

My httyd fic... It's too big of a fic to actually write I'm pretty sure. I might could make it smaller, but I'm certain it would take years to actually write out. I think currently it sits at seventy-five chapters? or something like that? But those were twelve year old me chapters and so I would want to re-write them and make them better.... and then I'd have to continue the story.... Like in my head, I'm fond of the story because it was my first ever fic, and because it was a way I connected with my now dead great-grandmother when she lived so far away from me (yes, I did get my great-grandma to sign up for a wattpad account when I was 12), but I don't know if I have the stamina to keep that up again. Plus this was the fic that kept getting stolen. I'm sure its floating around the internet somewhere, despite the fact that I took it down from all my platforms.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I've been told I'm really good at getting into a characters head. And I'd like to agree. Once I'm in, I know their everything. What they eat for breakfast. What color their socks are. How they'd react to the stupid trolley problem. So I never have any problems showing how a character reacts to something. How it makes them feel.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I definitely could be more descriptive. I've noticed I've only ever been descriptive with a character once and that was just because I was so into her head and I knew that instead of focusing on the dangerous missions she was on, realistically she'd be like "Oh I wonder what kind of fertilizer they are using for their poppies? They are beautiful!" So since then I've been trying to paint a visual picture better. Something that I am finding to help is figuring out my setting beforehand and like mixing ambiance players to give the right vibes. Then it tends to come easier. But its something I need to work on for sure.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

In the wise words of @autumnwoodsdreamer "One word: italicise." But also yeah I'll mix in other words. I've done a lot of dragonese for different httyd things. Elvish too.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

How to Train Your Dragon

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Its not published anymore, it didn't survive my personal purge, but it was a crossover between httyd and the hobbit movies. One of my ocs antagonists from my httyd fic got teleported into the hobbit movies and fell in love with Kili. Who then of course dies at the end of the movie and she steals his body and does the whole viking burning boat funeral to try and send him to Valhalla. And then she comes back to her world and the main fic and is like "Imma be a better person so I can be with Kili in the afterlife :)" It was so cringe, but I was free and innocent and thought it was the coolest thing ever and I wrote like I was the most talented person in the world and honestly 12 year old Heather was onto something bc I'd like half of her confidence

No pressure tagging: @susanshinning @rachelbethhines shooot im trying to think of people I know that post on ao3........ if you post on ao3 then please feel free to join!!!!!

[chaos-monkeyy]

20 Questions for fanfic writers

Tagged by @trainofcommand and @cordeliaperry , thank you 😁

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

351

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

969,232 !

(I had a soft goal of trying to break a million this year, but I probably won't quite make it. Ah well, next year!)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Literally anything I see or read that happens to hit squirrel-brain in the right spot: Stargate, Star Wars, Cosmere / Stormlight Archive / Sanderson's books generally, Loki series & other MCU media, OFMD, Good Omens, Dresden Files, Star Trek (and one-offs for random-ass shows like the Mentalist, 1899, tLoVM, Echoes, etc). Honorable mentions to past beloved fandoms that I'm not super likely to really get back to again include Midsomer Murders, the Witcher, Assassin's Creed, and the Expanse 💕

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Top spot is A wonderful thing (OFMD); the next four in order are all Witcher - A Tight Fit, Stolen Moments, Keep it up, and Undignified.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do! I love seeing people's reactions, and letting them know how much I appreciate that they took the time and energy to comment (because fuck knows, I don't always have the spoons to comment on stuff myself). And it's so nice to get that connection with people and get excited about stuff together!

(I have missed some replies here and there just because of over-stressing about what to respond, and subsequently feeling guilty that I left them unanswered so long 🙈 ahh, anxiety-brain, you sure are special)

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

This is one is easy, it's definitely Zombie / what's in your head. One of only two times I've written Major Character Death, and the only time I've used the Angst and Tragedy tag.

It's fucking brutal, honestly. Damn good, but ouch. Dark. Sometimes I reread it when I just want to cry hopelessly for awhile. It's like an... emotional reset or something.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of my fics have happy endings in the happy-sexy-sated vein, but most of my fics are also happy-sexy-oneshots so there isn't any real conflict or worry to come back from that makes the happy ending something that wasn't a given, if that makes sense. My first thought for something more involved was Inflection Point, but it's not exactly a happy ending for everyone. So I think I'll go with Curious Creatures, because even though I know how it ends and I wrote the damn thing, I still somehow get worried it will have a sad ending every time I go back and reread it, and then I'm relieved all over again at the end.

(Honorable mention to the Adventures of Admiral Prawn and Yee-Claw, because how can we not be happy that he found his lost hat with the help of a new friend 😂)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Honestly nowhere near as much as I'd kind of expect to? 😆

I had some rando dickhead giving me grief in comments on a couple Assassin's Creed fics, and I've seen people griping in fandom social media spaces about a couple of my works and the fact they (gasp) existed in the tags at all, but mostly people have been decent and kept it to themselves when they don't like me or my writing 💖

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yes. All of it. All the smut.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Not really! Never published one to AO3. Closest I've got is that Witcher-Assassins Creed WIP languishing in my google docs, and a silly fun little SGA-Original SW thing on tumblr from probably a couple years ago now.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Pretty sure, yeah. Not to the point of really being able to do anything about it but it kinda sucked. Shit happens.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! A couple of them that I know of 😁

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Oh hell yeah. Many times 💕

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Cock/Hole.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Mmm I have two published WIPs that fall into that category exactly, Ill-advised encounters and The skills of Assassins. They were really fun, I'd have really liked to finish them, annnd I probably never will 😅

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm pretty damn good at pacing a story, whether it's a oneshot or a longer fic, and at getting ~feelings~ across (whether it's horny feelings, smushy soft feelings, angsty feelings, whatever). And I've been told that I'm good at like... developing a setting and characters in a way that flows or unfolds naturally with the story while you read? Or something like that? (they said it better and it made me very happy)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

That would be not getting things actually started and just keeping the ideas in my head because What If this time I can't make the words do the thing good enough. Especially whenever I have ideas for something potentially longer or more involved, I do tend to kinda shoot myself in the foot by going "eehhhhh that would be a LOT of work though.... I don't want that kind of commitment....... Maybe I'll write down the idea later............"

Also being constantly distracted by shiny new things. But that part's fun 😆

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I use italics, try to limit it to single words or short phrases, and where possible I make the meaning clear or translated somehow within the fic itself. Last resort, I'll add a little glossary to the start or end notes if it's important to the story.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Midsomer Murders 💖

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

I genuinely don't have a favourite! There's a few I'm extra proud of myself for accomplishing, but I really like most of what I've ever written for one reason or another.

Or another answer would be, my current favourite changes like every week and is usually one of my recent fics 😂 Right now it's probably The Taste of My Blade; it'll be something else in a month.

No pressure tags: @dewdropreader , @mirilyawrites , @starport-seven-five , @loki-is-my-kink-awakening , @dedkake , @wantonwhale , and I won't spam tag all the same people as I did in yesterday's tag game in case you're not feeling it right now, but as always - if you see this and want to be tagged, you are! 💙

[literaticat]

Hiya Jenn,

I really appreciate all the info you have shared here over so many years. It's SO very helpful!

So, I'm having a bit of a menty-b about something a fellow writer reported about one of their submissions. Apparently, one of the editors receiving said sub asked why the author had "so many" publishers. Like, huh? Even worse? The author said that this was the second time their agent was asked that question and the agent felt that they had to send references to the editor to prove all the different publishers wasn't because their client was difficult to work with!

I mean, what in the what? Given the state of publishing -- so many editors moving or leaving entirely, editors being burned out, houses becoming mega-houses -- I thought we were past the era of authors staying with the same editor for every book. Especially when editors move or when authors write for more than one age group or have different styles for different books. I myself have had five different publishers because if my original editor(s) turned down a sub, we took it elsewhere> Because that's how we're going to make money if someone else wants it?

I guess I just don't get this thinking of sticking with a small number of editors because it really seems like that's from a bygone era (and one not conducive to authors making money as I mentioned), and I was wondering if you had encountered it. Thank you!

SLOW YOUR ROLL, KID.

You (and your friend) are reading much more into this than needs to be read into it, IMO. I have been doing this for nigh on two decades, and I've had this question plenty of times -- and never once has it been a problem, an issue, or anything of the kind. They are just curious, it's not an interrogation.

They asked "what's with all the publishers" because they just want to know, hey, what's with all the publishers? And there's usually a good answer to that, yes? Like, you and your agent presumably have some kind of strategy, (or at least, your agent can formulate a response that doesn't make you sound bonkers) So the answer will probably be something like: "Well, we have her nonfiction picture books with PUBLISHER A, her MG novels with PUBLISHER B, and her nonfiction MG with PUBLISHER C -- since this project is a fiction PB, we are going out to new folks."

Or perhaps, "In recent years she's been working mainly with Publishers A for Picture Books and B for novels, but recently her editor at B left the business, so as much as we appreciate the team, she doesn't have a real connection with anyone there anymore, so, we're looking for a new home for this novel."

Or perhaps, "She's always writing something new and different, so it happens that we've ended up with a diverse array of publishers; I'd love for her to build an audience for [this new kind of book] though!"

All publishers WANT to "build author's careers" and have a loyal publishing relationship and yadda yadda. Or at least, they will always SAY that is their goal. But obviously, in the cold light of day, one publisher is unlikely to publish EVERY SINGLE ONE of your books for decades, particularly if you are quite prolific and/or writing very different kinds of books. We all know this. It's not a ding to have worked with lots of publishers, as long as you have always been pleasant and easy to work with and people aren't running wild with tales of how difficult you are.

At the end of the day, if the publisher loves the book and wants to publish it, your having had different publishers in the past will not be a stumbling block. (And this is highly unlikely, but IF they are put off by the fact that you have had different publishers -- guess what, they weren't gonna publish the book anyway, and they were just looking for excuses to say no!)

[ingek73]

Kate Middleton the slave liberator by proxy. Are you serious?

Article in the Daily Mail

The British press — and specifically the Mail titles — have outdone themselves again. This morning we learnt that contrary to what the Sussexes may have implied about racism in the British Royal Family, it simply cannot be true. This is because an “ancestor” of Kate Middleton, the Princess of Wales, was the ‘greatest American abolitionist’.

Of course the Daily Mail’s brilliant writer neglects to mention that Harriet Martineau, an Englishwoman who only visited America for a few months in the 1830s, never married nor had children. The Mail itself says she’s Kate’s “great-great-great-great-great-aunt”, so how she came be an “ancestor” and an American is a mystery.

Nevertheless, this woman I’d never heard of was so powerful that it was through her lobbying of Presidents Monroe and Jackson that the slaves were freed. Including, the Mail points out helpfully, “the Duchess of Sussex’s great-great-great-great-grandfather, Stephen Ragland”. So clearly the Duchess of Sussex is beholden to the Princess of Wales for not being a slave today.

The Mail details the ‘connection’ between Kate’s ‘ancestor’ and Meghan Markle

It’s not even funny. It is deeply offensive to me, a descendant of slaves, whose ancestors fought the British like hell for over two centuries for our freedom.

It is offensive to the memory of all the freedom fighters of the Americas, from Toussaint Louverture, to Nanny of the Maroons, to Frederick Douglass, to Harriet Tubman, to John Brown — to everyone in the emancipation movement — to assert that all it took was some lobbying from one white British visitor in America to free the slaves.

The movement to abolish slavery was global, hard fought and hard won. That the writers and editors of the Daily Mail think differently is an indictment on Britain’s entire system of education. History is clearly not taught. Not the history of Britain, slavery, and the slave trade, and certainly not the history of British racism.

Another offensive part of this story is the idea that an abolitionist couldn’t be a racist. Go back and read Uncle Tom’s Cabin, written by Harriet Beecher Stowe, an abolitionist. (See what I wrote about Harriet some years ago, below.)

Many people felt that slaves should be freed in the same way they felt people shouldn’t be cruel to animals. But they didn’t think Black people were their equals. Abraham Lincoln was notoriously racist. So, an abolitionist is not automatically absolved of racism.

Whatever Kate Middleton’s distant relative’s actual feeling about Black people, it is ludicrous to posit that therefore the Royal Family can’t be racist. It’s not just the fact that Kate is only a royal by marriage, it is that you cannot inherit anti-racism by blood.

If one could, as opposed to being anti-racist because of an aunt-in-law lost in the mists of time, how much more likely would it be that Kate’s husband Prince William and her father-in-law King Charles III would have inherited racism from the long line of documented slavery profiteers and racists in the British Royal family?

Prince William’s namesake William IV, when he was Duke of Clarence, actually spoke in the House Lords in favour of maintaining the slave trade, and outlined nicely how the British Royal Family had been involved in it for centuries.

And we don’t have to go that far back to see evidence of how Black and other ethnic minorities are treated by the British Royal Family. They were banned from employment in Buckingham Palace up to the late 1960’s and probably later — since they are exempt from fair labour laws.

In 2021, Prince William and Kate declined to publish diversity figures for their Kensington Palace office, though his grandmother’s Buckingham Palace and his father’s Clarence House did. We suspect because they had no diversity to report.

So have done. No matter how much you want to exalt Kate at the expense of Meghan, please stop the foolishness. We see right through you, and you are offensive and not very bright.

Meghan Markle is probably as astonished as we feel (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

Why I’m not celebrating Harriet Beecher Stowe

The Episcopal Church celebrates Harriet Beecher Stowe on July 1. While appreciating the efforts Stowe and her brother Henry Ward Beecher made in the cause of the abolition of slavery in America, in my opinion, she was not an unmixed blessing to the ‘Negro Race’, as she’d have called us.

Uncle Tom’s Cabin was highly, highly influential. It was the best selling book of the 19th century apart from the Bible. It was the principal vehicle Stowe used to open the eyes of the good people of the US to the evils of slavery.

However, its picture of the childlike African, to be pitied and made an object of gracious condescension, has had lasting effects. The image of the good and humble Uncle Tom, who was too Christian to even dream of fighting back when he was whipped to death by Simon Legree, made white folks believe that is the quintessential good negro.

There was more. The ���good’ woman on the plantation, who gave her master’s white child her children’s food before she fed her children. All the good Black people who put the white people first, since first is the proper place for white people.

And, the paler the black people were — the closer to white — the closer they were to human. The mulatto slave woman who drowned herself rather than be sold into slavery contrasted with the Black people who were less sensitive. Topsy, the lying child, who didn’t cry when she was whipped, because she didn’t feel it much, was very dark-skinned.

Then there were the last two mulattos, a man who could pass for white, and his very pale wife, who were so bright and articulate, who escaped slavery and went north to Canada. But eventually they realized their proper place was in Africa.

Stowe pitied the plight of the black slaves, and she thought they were inhumanely treated, but she didn’t think they were ‘equal’.

Their proper place was to be grateful for the benevolence of the good white people, but the negroes really didn’t belong in the Americas. She clearly thought they should have been returned to their native habitat — Africa — so white people would be clean from the stain of slavery.

[marigoldplastic]

Blog day 1?

I haven't had an internet blog... like, ever. Not a serious one at least. A place where you can put down your thoughts with no filter is foreign to me from anything besides a pencil and notebook paper. I want to be able to write freely. I want to start off on a weird personal level that slowly devolves into fictional rants and stories. A place where I can vent my deepest frustrations and my darkest thoughts.

A scream into the void, if you would.

See, I've always fancied myself as a writer. From trying to write zombie books as a kid, to winning the young author award in middle school, and even as far as becoming a published journalist by high school and ending with proper dabble into the creative writing zone by my senior year. However, since the start of my college career... I find myself writing less and less. Which is incredibly ironic given the fact that my literal career of choice is to become a speech writer for politicians (don't ask why, it's a very convoluted answer lol.). So I guess this is my attempt of making a more personal and, admittedly, easier, way of hopefully embarking on a continuous stream of my small, and possibly insignificant, life for the internet to stumble across someday. It all feels very weird to be quite honest.

I'm not particularly the type to show my emotions to those around me. Call it years of traumatic emotional abuse from a narcissistic mother, but I just don't see the purpose of burdening others with my tragic life woes. Now other people's tragic life woes? BRING EM ON. I eat up other people's problems like it's a nutritionally balanced and well rounded breakfast on the first day of school. I live to listen to people and to help solve other people's problems. That can be great and all until you come to this point of wanting to be heard too. That's the catch though... how can you want to be heard, yet continue to be an emotional wall? These are the type of questions that have been keeping me up until 5 am lately! Don't even get me started on my sleep schedule, jeez.

Would you believe that I've been sleeping in until nearly 3 pm everyday for the past 2 weeks. I have classes starting on Tuesday this week and GOD it's going to be a pain in the ass to wake up at 6:45 am to get to my 9 am class on time. Maybe I'll just stay up all night lol. It's a shame though. My dreams have been so emotionally involved lately. I constantly dream of minor romances and deeply embedded plots. There's always chemistry between me and some person and there's always something large at stake that I'm working towards fixing or solving. My dreams can vary from zombie apocalypses, to dystopian government, and even to exploring deep forests and finding dead bodies. OH man, one of my most intriguing recurring dreams involves a vast cave system deep in familiar mountains. In this cave system lives a forgotten horror of people living within them. They're not people people though, and they're not mole people either. They're mindless, savage beings who hunt you down when you dare enter too deeply into the caves. There are two main parts to the cave system: the top part that is safe and accessible to the general public; and then there's the lower, deeper parts of the cave. Even from the upper level you can hear the screams and wails of these people.

Typically, this cave system may also be attached to a large facility that connects to it in odd and physically vast and deep ways. These dreams are honestly probably just a conglomeration of all the video games and horror movies I've watched growing up. Not to mention I've been to a local gold mine that's locally popular. That cave system is amazing and tucked away two miles into the Los Angeles Mountains. It's insanely dark in there, but it's astonishingly beautiful to see the rock structures and materials left behind in there. I've been to all the main access areas of that mine, but I'd love to go and do an extreme deep dive of the place. There's upper, lower, and middle sections of the mine, as well as an area that's only accessible via a flooded hallway. I'm talking like up to your waist level of flooded.

I want to go back there someday. My last visit was in October of 2022, but that wasn't the best or most memorable trip unfortunately. That trip, looking back at it, just makes me feel icky. What a fantastic way to jump into my personal issues again! There's a part of me that really thinks I shouldn't be with or around people on a deeper level than surface. There's something really wrong with me when it comes to being a deeper and more vulnerable person. I look back at my behavior when I'm around others and I'm just embarrassed at myself. I look back and see how selfish I am, how quick to become upset I can be, and how I seem to take it out on those around me or expect to be coddled like some infant. But when I'm alone. Everything is bottled up nice and tight until I can find the right time to let it out and cry to myself. I have panic attacks, and I have anxious breakdowns, but they're all by myself and I never get worked up because there's no one around to be worked up against. It's... peaceful, I guess. I really yearn for something more with a person... but when it gets too real I chicken out. I'll often ghost people that try to text me too often (or at all), and I hate that. These people aren't just romantic options either, they're people I want to be friends with. People that I want to spend more time with. But that's the horrifying and terrifying part to me. If I spend more time with them, if I get too close and become too comfortable... they'll see the real me, the person who can't hold it together. The person who's prone to self harm, struggles with not starving herself, has the most hideous of internal thoughts on her looks and their struggles. I'm not someone who should be with someone else romantically. And... I hate that...

Despite my ability to allow someone to be sexual with me, I think I'm really asexual. I like... the attention that sexuality brings in the moment, but I hate that that's all there is. I truly feel like anyone who wants to be with me only wants me for my body and what I can offer to them with it. That makes me fear sexual connections to a point that makes me socially awkward. It doesn't help that I have... ugh... the incel type of mentality that makes me think that anyone who is nice to me likes me. It's ridiculous because who would like someone like me? I may have a witty and humorous outer shell, but I'm awkward, and indecisive, and I get too giddy over stupid things and it makes me look ridiculous getting overly excited over small insignificant things. I've never been formally diagnosed, but I really wouldn't be surprised if I was autistic. I know that's the trendy internet thing going around, but it's not trendy. It's a fucking struggle and it's harmful to my life at the very least; I can't speak for other people's lives. I feel like an unlovable freak, really like I'm some gross middle school girl who doesn't know how to dress herself and says cringe things at all the wrong times. I feel like I'm the special girl in everyone's lives. Maybe I'm a narcissist? I guess that'd make sense.

[darkmarkets]

The Horrors of Dark Marketing, part 4: Book Signings

Sure, there are worse tortures than the dreaded book signing. Say, for instance, being force fed fire ants or gargling hot gravel. Swimming naked through fiberglass. Selling used cars. Lots of things are more painful than sitting behind a table, alone in a vacant bookstore, weeping into a pile of print-on-demand copies—but are any of these things going to help us sell our book?

Probably not.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I've never actually done a book signing. I've never actually stuffed glass up my eyelids, either. Mostly, I've just seen other small press and indie writers sitting behind that table, alone in that vacant bookstore, trying not to weep, and it's broken my heart. Who would do such a thing to themselves? Why would a perfectly sane (or saneish) writer make themselves go out into the cold world and physically present themselves to the lack of audience so they can meet their misery face to face?

To sell books? Are we such desperate creatures that we shall fling ourselves over the altar of public perception so the unforgiving overlord of pop culture can carve our heart out with a jagged blade?

Well, sure.

But do we have to leave the house? Leaving the house can be hard on a writer.

I don't know how well book signings work towards building an audience. There are lots of how-to people who say signings are an integral part of the marketing process—but those are also often the how-to people who make it sound like publishing is like rolling in petunias. So easy! And sweet smelling! But take into account the fact that I'd have to change my pajamas, face the sun, and attempt some semblance of human interaction, then the book signing may not be worth it. Sure, lots of people just walk past my book on the bookshelves, but do I really need to sit there and watch them doing it?

For writers who already have a following, however small or large, the book signing is vital. Connecting with the people who buy your book is the least you can do. They've given you their time and their dreams in reading your stuff, not to mention, a reason to keep writing. Cherish that dearly! Write them a little note with your signature, or better yet, take them all out for ice cream. Only a small percentage of writers get that sacred symbiotic relationship with more than a handful of readers, so put them up on a pedestal and never let them down.

But until we find such a publishing miracle, it's best to just hang out on the internet. Where it's safe. 

...to be continued again!

Lorna D Keach

[fixyourwritinghabits]

You’ve mentioned a few times that you don’t believe authors need twitter—i was wondering if you had any advice regarding alternatives? I’ve heard that “everyone in publishing” is on twitter, and publishing companies actually look at social media following, people score agents there, and that it’s a big (the biggest?) source for advertising for new authors. what can writers do if they want to be traditionally published but really really really don’t want to be on twitter? how do you make connections?

So here is what Twitter is good for - following agents, authors, and editors to see what they're working on, talking about, and how they market material. It's good for pitch contests, making friends with authors of similar interests, and (more often than not) watching the drama go down to see what not to do (screenshot Goodread reviews to dunk on them, sexually harass women, there are... legit issues that happen on Twitter).

Here's when Twitter stops being useful - when you reach a modicum of success and surpass a certain follower count. A common thing people note is that once you pass 5000 followers, they stop being individuals that you can keep track and respond to. You, however, still seem to be talking directly to them, with the added bonus that now you are a Famous Person. They've followed you all this way, and to some people, now you owe them.

It doesn't matter how little you actually make off of book sales or the fact that you likely still have a day job. The reply guys, the over-sharers, and the drama flies view you as a Famous Person and will treat you as such. Unlike a real famous person who likely has a social media manager, you're the one who has to deal with the person having a mental health crisis in your mentions or the asshole taking your joke about your cat out of context to call you an animal abuser.

At this point, Twitter is no longer useful. It's time to make alternative plans and step away. Until you reach that point, though, Twitter can be a useful tool, which is why I still recommend it with heavy caveats. It's also worth noting this vile vortex of suck most heavily affects YA writers (sometimes looping in Romance authors), and if you write Adult or MG, you will probably escape the worst of it.

Weigh your pros and cons carefully, but keep in mind Twitter is one tool out of an arsenal of many, and you don't need to use it if it stops working for you.

[daisywords]

Hi hello please tell me something about fear me

Hi hello and buckle up

okay so Fear Me. First of all this is the same wip that I call Starlight on this blog, bc that was the working title for like 10 years so that's just what it's called in my head. But. If I ever publish it will probably be under the Fear Me title.

The basic premise is that Alya, a traveling street vendor kid, is on the hunt for her brother, Eli, after an attempt to kidnap both of them from which only she escapes.

Who is the kidnapper? Well you see there was this ~mysterious cult~ after them who could track them using blood. And also teleport. (And also raise the dead, kinda, but shhh we don't really know abt that yet)

To top it off, the guy who is not their real dad but is basically their dad gets killed during this whole ordeal, which leaves little Alya all by herself.

Sooooo she makes her way to the country where she's technically from but has never been to (Daenar), hoping to beg the help of her Aunt (that she's never met) who occupies a high position in the Daenic government.

On the way she acquires some sailor kid sidekicks and has to wait out the stormy season on their home island of Ciar, where she learns some...info that seems unrelated now but will be important later.

Okay and then we get to Daenar and the Aunt and hooo boy things seem good at first but start to take a dark turn.

First, for example we learn that not only does Alya have family based telepathy mind powers (forgot to mention this at the beginning but yeah she could communicate telepathically with her brother and now with her aunt and cousin) she also has the power to project emotions into the people around her (this is why she was so good at selling things btw)

Also there are the murders. Which look suspiciously connected with the cult/blood magic we saw at the beginning.

And Alya's aunt starts asking her to do things she's not entirely comfortable with, all in the name of finding Eli.

And there are the clues to Eli's whereabouts that don't seem to match up with what she's being told...

..............

oof anyway but this is my babyest of wips. the love of my life. my unfinished magnum opus, if you will. we're on a break now but someday I will return as a better writer and do the story the justice it deserves. Also yes it's a trilogy btw here are cover mockups I made a while ago just for fun:

not sure about the last title btw I might go with "Finish Me" but yeah

also fun fact the "Fear Me" title comes from a pivotal moment when Alya realizes she can weaponize her fear and project it outwards instead of letting it stop her. It is her enemies who should be afraid. Also the cracked glass imagery is a reference to her breaking out through her bedroom window (which is kinda symbolic of her breaking out of the manipulative influence of her Aunt but shhh)

Bonus! here's some character art:

[telehxhtrash]

I originally wanted to make two separate posts about this but i’m actually making a single one : the overarching theme of love, redemption, second chances and Togashi’s overall positive and optimistic writing are leading me to believe a few things concerning Killua and Gon’s relationship, namely that we’ll get an explicit romantic confession to canonize their relationship, but also that Gon is actually the one who fell for Killua first.

First of all, I know I say it a lot but I really, really do believe that by the end of the manga, Killua and Gon’s relationship will be a canon romantic one. I wrote a short post about this already, but I’m gonna explain briefly my point of view on this as I believe it’s important and relevant to the points I want to try and make in this post.

• Killua is pretty much canonically in love with Gon. There’s just too much subtext concerning this matter, and the “shinjuu” line single-handedly canonizes that fact. Togashi is a very, very smart man, and doesn’t throw random words around, he knows the weight of the word shinjuu and what it implies, and the entire chimera ant arc focuses on Killua’s feelings towards Gon, so there is no doubt in my mind that Killua canonically has romantic feelings for him. These two tweets live in my head rent free because it’s so wonderfully written, so here you go :

• I also deeply believe that Togashi would never leave this ambiguous. I wrote a full post about this if you want to read it, but basically, it doesn’t fit Togashi’s writing style. A lot of people say that Togashi’s queer rep is ambiguous in HxH, but it’s unfair because HxH is literally not over yet. There are still ambiguous things because the manga is still developing. Thing is, Togashi has put queer characters in his previous works, and it was never ambiguous. It was always explicitely stated. Same goes for the relationships between his characters. There’s no reason to believe this wouldn’t be the case for HxH.

• Togashi’s positive writing is echoed in Killua’s story arc, in the sense that Killua reflects Togashi’s optimistic writing style and the overarching theme of love, redemption, second chances and the power human connection. 

Killua’s character arc is one of slowly changing your life around, becoming your best self with a little help from someone to show you the way, it’s about positive growth, healing from trauma and going against what people think of you. It’s about healing and becoming your best self, no matter what.

It’s a very positive character arc, and one that’s been thoroughly demonstrated during the entire story.

That’s why Killua’s romantic feelings towards Gon could never stay unrequited one way or another, because it just would defeat the entire positive narrative of Killua’s character arc. Because Killua’s character arc is about healing and growing, and even though you thought you could never do that, learn how to love. It’s about finding love after abuse. 

And to me, the only way to complete that story arc, when we know that Killua canonically has romantic feelings towards Gon, would be for Gon to return those feelings. Because Killua’s character arc isn’t only about learning how to love someone no matter what, but also about being loved in return. That’s how you complete Killua’s positive story arc. 

I’ll come back to this theme a bit later on, though.

• There’s no way Shonen Jump can intervene and censor HxH. Now, I think I’m one of the few meta writers who actually believes this, but I’m 100% convinced that Shonen Jump always knew that HxH is queer work. I wrote multiple posts about this : the first post I linked mentions why SJ probably knows ; on the general gay subtext in both anime adaptations ; on 99 specifically and finally on the fact that it’s weird that gay subtext was emphasized in 99 anime when there was none in canon material only for it to appear later on in the manga.

But to summarize, there’s just no way Shonen Jump doesn’t know. 

First of all, Hunter x Hunter is published right after Yu Yu Hakusho. Thing is, Togashi ended YYH for a few reasons, but one of them was because he didn’t feel free of doing what he wanted to do with his story, because Jump kept on declining his ideas.

This led him to completely drop the story. Now, if you’re a manga writer who’s been deeply disgusted by how your last manga was controlled, what would you do ? I’m sure you would make 100% sure you could take your next story wherever you wanted. And I’m certain that’s what Togashi did. Because to be able to write his story the way he wanted, he had to make sure SJ would allow him to go anywhere he wanted. That includes his characters and their relationship dynamics, which are the basics when you pitch a story.

Togashi also emphasized in one of his interviews that he’s free to do whatever he wants.

Furthermore, Togashi’s editors and Shonen Jump aren’t dumb. They can definitely pick up on the gay subtext. If they didn’t want gay things in HxH, they would’ve never let Togashi publish some chapters, ESPECIALLY the chapter where Killua declares he’ll commit shinjuu with Gon. SJ isn’t dumb. Shinjuu hits HARD, especially in japanese, so they definitely know what it means (it’s literally the equivalent to saying them dying together would be like Romeo and Juliet).

Finally, and that’s half crack-theory half serious, but one of the main reasons I believe SJ knows is because of the 99 anime adaptation. It was HxH’s first anime adaptation, and Togashi was involved in it to some extent. Now, 99 is extremely gay. I linked the posts where I talk about it above, but basically, it’s rainbow flags overlay on top of the characters in the opening, gay opening and ending song lyrics, over the top gay lines and situations.... which is interesting. Because like i mentioned in one of these posts, it’s interesting that this gay subtext was present and highlighted in the anime adaptation when there was none in the manga at that stage. It’s very, very interesting that gay subtext appeared later on in the manga, after the anime adaptation went crazy with it. I firmly believe it’s because Togashi pitched his manga as gay to the 99 animators, and if so, that’d mean SJ would also know.

Anyways ! In short, I believe Killua and Gon’s relationship will become canon by the end of the manga because there’s no risk of editorial meddling since SJ probably knows this is where the story is going. Killua’s romantic feelings are also pretty much canon, and the only way to complete his positive character arc would be to have Gon return those feelings and prove that you’re worthy of love no matter what. Finally, Togashi would never leave it ambiguous, because that’s something he’s never done before, and Killua and Gon’s relationship has never been portrayed as ambiguous nor subtle, it’s still developing.

Now !! This was just an introduction to what I wanted to talk about in this post, I’m sorry you still have a bit more reading to do HAHAA

But ! 

With this belief in mind that Killugon will be canon in the end, there are two things I want to talk about.

• First, I genuinely believe we’ll get a romantic, highly emotional love confession scene between the two of them. For the sole fact that it’s something deeply intertwined with Killua’s character arc.

Like I mentioned above, Killua’s arc is about overcoming trauma and having a second chance at life, a chance to be better, a chance to be your best self. His arc is about opening up his heart to new experiences and new feelings, and learning how to love and pass that love around. His story arc is representation for trauma survivors that things can and will get better, and you can overcome anything, turn your entire life around, heal, and thrive.

And to me, the completion of that story arc is definitely to show that not only can you learn to open up your heart and love someone, but that you can be loved for who you are. That someone can look at you for who you are, accept you and love you no matter what. You can be loved by someone the same way you love them, in a romantic way.

To me, that’s where the story is going. Considering Killua’s canonical romantic feelings, and the overall positive themes surrounding his character arc, there’s no doubt in my mind that this is the message Togashi wants to convey.

And in my opinion, this message wouldn’t be delivered ambiguously or subtly. This narrative of being loved has always been enforced through highly emotional scenes throughout the manga, to highlight the message that yes !! you, trauma survivor !! can be loved for who you are !!

It’s been expressed through that emotional scene where Nanika tells Killua she loves him, for example.

It’s also been displayed in the countless scenes where Gon expresses his love for Killua, expresses his admiration for him, how he’s glad he’s met him, how happy he makes him, how Killua is his best friend in the entire world.... It’s been conveyed through the stargazing scene on Whale Island, through the entire Zoldyck Family Arc where Gon waltzs in the Zoldyck Mansion to rescue Killua, through the scene in Greed Island Arc where Gon tells him he’s glad to have met him, through the dodgeball match scene where Gon declares that it can only be Killua holding the ball, through the moment Gon says that the first thing he’ll do when he sees Ging is introduce him to his best friend in the whole world, Killua. 

Togashi could have chosen to show and not tell that Gon cares a lot about Killua, and that he finally found someone who loves him for who he is. He could’ve made them hang out normally, and we would’ve understood that Killua found someone who accepts him. But no, this has always been the main theme of HxH. Seeing the both of them grow closer and closer and grow and heal together. He chose to highlight the fact that he’s loved and cared for through words of affirmation to emphasize the narrative of being loved after surviving trauma. For the purpose of providing an extremely clear message of love to trauma and abuse survivors who identify with Killua : that you can find someone like Gon, someone who will love you for who you are. Togashi wanted to make it explicitly clear.

So now, since all of these words of affirmation were “platonic” (i’ll come back to the quotation marks in the last part of this post), but still highly emotional :

Wouldn’t it make sense that the romantic application of this narrative would also be portrayed through a highly emotional scene ? 

For the sole purpose of highlighting the final message of Killua’s story arc of overcoming your past and being loved and accepted for who you are, in a romantic way this time ? Of being loved the same way you love ? 

Since we’ve had so many platonic reaffirmations of this idea, I think it’d be fitting for the romantic part of the narrative to be conveyed through a highly emotional scene. Like a confession scene under the stars that would parallel the stargazing scene on Whale Island, for example, since stars are thematically fitting since they are linked to Killua’s story echoing Tanabata. 

An open love confession would be the final and ultimate way to cement that narrative of loving and being loved. A highly emotional scene, just like we’ve always had, to demonstrate the romantic application of the theme of being loved after experiencing trauma. The ultimate, non-ambiguous message of unconditional love for trauma survivors. 

Showing that you, trauma survivor who identifies with Killua, can learn to love yourself, love someone else and be loved in return.

• Keeping Killua’s character arc in mind, I want to adress a final point that I deeply believe is true. 

To me, Gon is the one that actually fell in love with Killua first.

Thing is, Gon is that type of character that acts first and thinks later on. He always does things on instinct, only giving it thought after the thing happened. So it 100% makes sense that it would apply to romantic feelings too. That’s why, to me, it’s very likely that Gon fell in love first but just didn’t realize it was romantic feelings, because he’s 12, never really thought about it and feelings are confusing. And to me, Togashi is setting up feelings realization on Gon’s part.

Gon has always behaved very intensely with Killua, always reaffirming how much he means to him. He’s always taken onto that role of providing Killua with love from the moment he met him. He accepted him for who he is, and always made him feel cared for. 

Togashi definitely planted the seeds for a possible interpretation of this idea of him falling first. The stargazing scene on Whale Island is just.... so romantic in nature. Gon tells Killua that he’s happy when he’s with him under a starry night sky, tells him he wants to travel the world with him and stay with him, because his presence next to him fills him with joy. Then we have his constant words of affirmation towards Killua, and how cool he is, how amazing and strong he is...

But to me, what really convinces me that Gon fell first is Greed Island arc. Gon’s behavior towards Killua during this arc was extremely emotional. It was deep, deep care and love for his best friend. We get to see him blush as he tells Killua that he’s really, really glad he’s here with him and glad he’s met him.

We get to see him declare that the first thing he’ll do when he finds Ging will be to introduce his amazing best friend to him.

But honestly, what made my brain explode is the dodgeball scene. 

Because as I mentioned in this post, the phrasing Gon uses is one that is used in romantic contexts to confess to someone. It’s a love declaration, literally. And I don’t believe Gon meant it as romantic, because he probably has no idea his feelings are romantic in nature. But. Togashi is a troll. He really, really enjoys toying with his readers. 

To me, the fact this sentence is romantic in nature could be Togashi putting Gon’s feelings right in front of our faces, hiding it in double meaning but still plainly there for us to see. It could be Togashi toying with us in the process of setting up Gon’s feelings, so that when it gets canonized that Gon fell first, on a re-read of the manga, you go “oh. that sentence is romantic. it was literally right in front of our eyes the entire time”. I’m probably reaching !!! but!!!! the fact is, this sentence is still romantic in meaning. It’s still coated in romantic subtext. And that’s intentional on Togashi’s part.

I’ll link this magnificent post by Quintessence that basically explains what I just said much better.

In short, it would totally make sense that Gon fell first. It wouldn’t come out of nowhere, since Gon’s behavior from the beginning of the manga can definitely be interpreted as romantic in nature. The countless emotional scenes where he asserts how much he cares for Killua can definitely be read as romantic, and Gon’s behavior can definitely be explained by him having a crush on Killua, despite him not knowing.

Now, the thing that makes me further believe this is true is the fact that symbolically speaking, it makes sense that Gon fell in love with Killua first. It would enforce the narrative of Killua’s character arc of being loved for who you are and not having to earn love.

It would literally dismiss everything Killua believes about having to earn the right to be loved. About having to earn his place right next to Gon. About having to change to be good enough for Gon.

Because if Gon fell first, then Killua was loved for who he is from the beginning, from the moment they met. Killua didn’t have to earn his love, like he thought he had to, especially in CAA, because he was loved the same way all along.

It’d show that Gon didn’t start to love Killua because Killua earned that right by changing for Gon. He didn’t start to love Killua when he started to heal and change his life to become a good person. He was always loved for who he is because Gon always saw him and loved him no matter what.

And that would once again highlight Killua’s character arc beautifully. It’d show that you are worthy of love even if you literally just came out of years of abuse. That someone can look at you and instantly fall in love with you, no matter how broken and unworthy of love you think you are. You never, ever had to earn that love. It was always here to begin with.

It’d break Chimera Ant Arc completely, it’d break Killua’s belief that he was unworthy of staying by Gon’s side and that he had to earn his place. Because he was always loved and never had to earn his right to stay by Gon, because Gon wanted him there all along. 

And that is a beautiful, deeply symbolic meaning that would complement Killua’s character arc perfectly.

It’d be Togashi showing trauma survivors that you can heal and love yourself, learn how love someone else and be loved in return. 

Showing trauma survivors that you don’t have to prove your worth to be loved. That just like Killua, even if you came out of years of abuse, a broken, scared person, you’re always worthy of love. That you’re worthy of love at any stage of your healing phase. That you’re worthy of love no matter how broken you feel you are. 

Someone will always love you and accept you for who you are. 

Anyways !! Thank you for reading this !! Those two headcanons are really precious to me and I really do believe they could come true. Because it’d make sense in so many ways ! 

I know it’s hard to imagine such a thing happening, because queer representation has always been ambiguous that it’s hard to fathom a manga being openly gay, but I really want to be optimistic about it. We got the subtext, the author interested in LGBT-rep, the positive narrative and virtually no risk of being censored. 

So I want to stay optimistic on this and believe that we’ll get a romantic love confession as a way to canonize their relationship, and that it’ll become evident one way or another that Gon fell in love with Killua first.

Thanks for reading !! 

[jojotichakorn]

my thoughts and opinions on "lovely writer": criticizing the critic

tw for discussions of age gaps, rape, and sex

before i turn into the mean and constantly dissatisfied archer that we all know and hate, i just want to say that i liked this show. i think it's great, actually! gene and sib are appropriately cute, the premise is nice, and the attempt at criticizing the industry is... well, an attempt, which is better than nothing. moreover, "lovely writer" came with gifts because it gave me my new favorite character, so you can't go telling me i'm trying to completely obliterate it or something.

besides, this specific post isn't going to get into analyzing the show as a whole anyway. i won't be talking about any irrelevant plot points, cinematography, sound design, or anything like that, though i could probably write a post just as long as this one about that side of things as well. however, i am here to specifically look at the problematic things that were both criticized by the show and included in the show without any criticism. i'm going to talk about the more serious side of things here, which means i'm going to get serious. and i'm going to be harsh. very harsh.

gene and nubsib: yes's and no's

overall, the relationship between gene and sib was a fair attempt at showing something complex, yet ultimately quite healthy, which i appreciate. there were some things i was especially glad about. the fact that sib dated other people before settling on getting together with gene, for example, makes the whole situation a little less codependent. however, as much as this show prides itself on not wanting to romanticize problematic relationships, there are at least two major problems with genesib.

the age gap (and why it was not needed)

i've tried my very best to give this entire concept the benefit of the doubt. at first, i was convincing myself that they were simply close childhood friends, then i was trying my best to believe that even though sib did have a sort of crush on gene (which sometimes happens to little children), gene only saw him as his younger brother, but eventually, the show gave me no choice, but to deem the entire storyline problematic, because they did their best to romanticize that relationship - from gene's dad seeing the "early signs" to the counting and kissing the cheek turning to counting and full-on lip-locking in the last episode.

i could go into how this could all easily be mended if little sib was shown as kind of obsessed with his older friend, but gene was shown as not being anywhere near interested in the kid. but the real question is - why was the age gap needed at all?

i've researched the age of the boys during the flashbacks to the best of my ability and it seems that gene is 11 and sib is 6 or 7. if sib was the same age as gene (or maybe just one year younger, but not any more than that), not only would none of it feel weird, it would also be quite appropriate to explore that first glimpse of romantic feelings some of us experience exactly around that age. i don't think it's necessary for sib to be much younger than gene (children can be just as impressionable at 11 as they are at 7, and as for gene being surprisingly nice and helpful and the other kids not wanting to play with sib, he could have easily been - for example - bullied by his peers instead, which would have the same effect).

moving forward to the present, i don't think the lack of an age gap would affect the storyline that much either. even if they desperately needed sib to be a university student, they could have that one-year difference i've talked about before, which is not as significant. sib could be in his last year of uni, while gene could have easily written his very first novel during his university years, which would actually make more sense (since that guaranteed him employment and freedom to write after he finished uni; and i would rather believe that he had time to write his first novel in-between classes than in-between shifts at work, which he would surely need to have if he started writing after finishing university).

so that brings me back to my initial question - why was it needed? and much like the show often does, i will leave this one up for your interpretation because i do not have any sensible answers myself.

the issue with sex and consent

"but archer!" - i hear you exclaim - "lovely writer is known for explicitly denouncing rape romanticization in bls, how could there possibly be any problems with consent here?" and i hear you, my dear reader. and you aren't incorrect, "lovely writer" is indeed very explicit at calling out bls for having rape scenes (and i do appreciate that). however, as i'm sure you know, there are different ways in which consent can be taken from a person, and there are different non-consensual acts that someone might perform. for example, there are many different forms of coercion, such as the person being persuaded until they feel like they have no other choice, but to say yes. touching someone or kissing someone without asking for permission are also non-consensual acts. i can go on and on, there are many examples outside of what so many people consider rape.

now, what if i tell you that though there (thank the gods) has been no rape present in "lovely writer", not all scenes with gene and sib are consensual? well, that's what i'm telling you because it's the truth. both the first kissing scene and the scene where gene and sib "try out different poses" have clear coercion in them. the entire "joke" of the scene before gene and sib's first time is literally built upon the concept of "a person is trying to run away from someone, who wants to have sex with them" and it is NOT funny. the later reveal of gene actually looking up how to have sex seems to be there on purpose, to show that everything that's happened is "ok" because gene was thinking about it. as a sensible person, i will only accept actual enthusiastic consent and not someone possibly maybe probably considering it. not to mention that right before having sex, sib asks gene one last time if he is sure, which is great, except it is immediately followed by "i'm not going to let you change your mind anymore", which - daily reminder - you are allowed to stop having sex at any point during the act if you start feeling uncomfortable with it. that's absolutely normal.

now the problem that we seem to run into here is that "lovely writer" appears to think that it's ok to push someone to the limit until they either finally agree or confidently and loudly disagree. the drama has repeatedly shown us that actually forcing someone to have sex is not ok; however, persuading and otherwise coercing someone, as well as taking an approximate guess of them wanting to have sex based on some marginally related factors, is ok. i would like to once again remind everyone that all of that is not ok.

one more issue i want to bring up in connection with sex is something i wish was common knowledge: it is NOT supposed to hurt during your first time. whether you are planning to have vaginal or anal sex for the first time, it should not hurt. and if it does, something has definitely gone wrong and you need to stop. you are not supposed to experience any pain or discomfort during sex, including your first time (outside of desired and therefore intentionally inflicted pain, but that's not what i'm talking about here). i have seen this misconception brought up many times in bls along with the other person "thanking the person who got hurt for bearing the pain to bring them pleasure" and absolutely none of that is normal. stop. please, just... stop.

criticism of the BL industry

there are certainly quite a few things i liked about the way "lovely writer" criticized the many problems that surround bls. i think they dealt especially well with the fan aspect. the breaches of privacy that are considered normal, the toxicity of social media that encourages people to comment on other people's personal life, harass and stalk them - all of that was shown in its full glory (or rather horror) and clearly condemned. it was also interesting to see how easily everyone around sib fell into the routine of having to hide genesib's relationship, just because "that's what's supposed to be done in these situations" - even tum did that without thinking twice.

however, i have not spent the past three years hating gmm for a show trying to criticize the industry not to focus on criticizing the production company and everyone professionally involved with the making of bls. don't get me wrong - they didn't completely overlook that side of things, but i found the way they approached it dissatisfying.

like yes, tum fights with his sister (aka sib's manager) and calls her out for her terrible actions, and the publisher (bua) eventually apologizes for what she did, but all of that feels a bit too... personal. i do not care about these individual stories. i care about you saying that the whole system is broken because it very much is. i wanted manner of death but with the bl industry, and instead, i got an "uwu the fans are demanding we do this, and our hands our tied" (which is a lie) and "uwu i'm just trying to make money" (which i mean... if you feel ok milking even more money than you already have by doing something unethical and immoral, then be my guest, but also go fuck yourself). besides that, i didn't see any criticism of tabloids or exploitative celebrities either (both of which we had examples of in the show), and that was kind of disappointing.

coming back to the fans for a moment, i also think that the criticism of real people shipping was entirely unsuccessful. we basically mostly got an "oh, what if this person's partner thinks they are actually dating", which... if a bunch of people on the internet who do not know your boyfriend personally and make all their judgments from screenshots and their imagination can convince you that your boyfriend is cheating, i've got some bad news for you and also a number for a therapist. partly i know why it was so complicated for them to get into it properly - the issue with real people shipping is an issue of privacy, boundaries, the perception of celebrities, acceptable interests, and many other complex topics. however, it's better to not criticize something than to criticize it badly and inaccurately (because the latter usually leads to even more encouragement of whatever you were attempting to criticize).

aey: the flamboyant villain

aey certainly starts as a promisingly complex character, but the farther we go from his backstory and his family, the less complex and the more evil he gets. eventually, the trauma he goes through is no longer enough to give him a get-out-of-jail-free card, and he loses all remaining sympathy after sexually harassing gene and pretending to drug sib. and i did start this post by saying that i am not to analyze any plot points or characters from the show here; however, i'm saying all this to prove a point that aey is a clear villain in the show. this is further cemented by the fact that by the end of the show he loses the only two people who cared about him, and the very last moment with him in the show is literally just him crying for about 3 minutes. there was no redemption arc, no pity, no revenge - he was left alone and broken, clearly punished by the narrative. and i've got a bone to pick here as well.

one of the first things that we find out about aey is that he is gay, and quite openly so. he is repeatedly described as very feminine by many characters, he flirts with men, he talks about being good in bed, and his entire character is built upon being gay (half of it directly, and the other half due to the fact that his entire backstory and therefore personality is also built upon the fact that he is gay). he is - for the lack of a better term - the gayest character in the show and the only one who is loud about being gay not because he is in love but simply because it is a part of him and he doesn't want to hide it. and he is the villain. not the disgusting publisher or the terrible manager - no, this guy was specifically chosen to ruin everyone's lives. and i can't say i'm particularly happy about that. *british voice* seems a bit homophobic love

not quite queer enough

as i said, aey is openly gay. gene and sib also eventually say that they are gay, gene's father teep is queer, so are tiffy and mhok. but it just doesn't seem to come up as much as it would in real life. the only time anyone has a problem with any of the characters being queer is when we deal with the parents. but knowing actual queer thai actors in real life, we are all aware how hard it can be for them, but it has not come up even once for aey, gene or sib (with genesib only being a problem because they are a "non-shippable couple"). being queer is far from being a non-issue in the industry, and i found it incredibly weird that it was never brought up (and i would also prefer if they brought that up instead of showing the unaccepting parents plot for the millionth time).

same goes for the lack of conversation around queer people on set. i think we all have a wonderful example of how much better a bl can get simply when it involves a queer director and/or screenwriter (gods bless p'aof), gay actors, etc. i also thought it was a missed opportunity that gene being a gay man writing a bl novel was never highlighted. if anything, everyone made a big deal out of him being a man writing a bl - never mind that he is a gay man that is far more qualified to write bls than a straight woman.

in conclusion, there are simply not enough queer issues talked about here for a show that is about queer people facing difficulties while making a queer drama.

tiffy and tum: the good, the bad, and the ugly

overall, tiffy and tum are quite cool. outside of my own personal feelings, i really liked the clear reversal of gender roles they have going on: he knows lots about make-up, she knows nothing about it, he knows how to sew, she knows how to repair a car, etc.

tiffy is also a nice addition to the precious few queer girls we have in bls. however, the way her being bi is executed... it isn't great. when she first talks about dating girls to tum, she says things like "even though i look like this" (implying queer girls have a certain look?) and "maybe it seemed normal because i was at an all-girls school" (which wtf does that even mean?). i think the worst thing, though, was when she assumed tum was gay. my best guess is she thought so because she initially thought that tum and gene were a couple; however, she should be the first person to know that just because he likes men, it doesn't mean that he doesn't like women or any other gender. even though there was nothing explicitly leading me to make this conclusion, this whole thing did kind of feel like the old "flipping the switch" stereotype (meaning, she used to like women, but now she likes men, and both of them can't happen simultaneously).

make it make sense

i think i've never been more confused in my entire life than when i found out that the director of "lovely writer" also happens to be the director of "th*arnt*pe". and if at first, i was asking a lot of questions about this peculiar individual, who went from working on the worst rape-romanticizing show we have ever had to a show that explicitly states that rape is not normal. but the more i thought about it, the less i was interested in him, and the more i was interested in whoever made the decision to hire him. there are dozens of different directors that have worked specifically on bls, and even more that haven't. yet out of all those, you decided to choose this one. the dude, who before your show has only directed the show with the biggest rape-y vibes. that casts a particular kind of shade on the entire show that i simply do not like.

conclusion

at the end of the day, i think what "lovely writer" tried to do was very interesting. it succeeded in some ways and failed in others. frankly, i think this show could have easily been made better if someone queer was involved in making it. that's always true, but especially so, when we try to talk about the issues of making a queer drama. either way, it's certainly a good start to this conversation; however - as i said - i'm still waiting for my manner of death but with the bl industry. this was unfortunately not it.

[themusicsweetly]

Hi Sarah, can you give a summary of Cait's chat with Josh?

Hi there, Anon! Thanks for stopping by.

Caitriona’s Happy, Sad, Confused was a great time and for a great cause!

Here were my favorite parts:

Josh asked her about whether or not she’d be interested in writing her own book. She said "I have such admiration for those who can create those worlds... I also think I'm a bit of a late bloomer so maybe I'm not at that phase of my life yet." She also mentioned how impressed she was with Clanlands and how Sam basically sat down, wrote it, and got it published in less than a year. She said she wished she had more of his 'sit down and do sh*t' mentality

She also talked about Star Force and joked about how “it's probably one of the most popular things I've ever done!... I didn't even work on that accent. It just came naturally!” She was also proud of the fact that other outlets like The Guardian picked up on it lol. 

On Belfast, she mentioned Kenneth Branagh saying, “He is just the nicest, sweetest man.” She was talking about how diverse the set she worked on was and how, because he works with the same people all the time, he makes everyone feel like family. She also told a story about how Kenneth quoted Shakespeare to Jamie Dornan and Jamie turned to him and said, “Ferris Bueller, right?” LOL. On getting the part: “I still can't quite believe that happened... this kind of gem just came into my lap. We somehow managed to perfectly place it... I've seen bits from it and its so amazing. So lovely."

She also mentioned how it felt to be working on a project about her home country, something she’s never done before. She said she was talking to Sam about it was said to him that this must be how he feels working on Outlander, that sense of connecting to their soul. This was such a lovely anecdote!

About the book, Here is the Beehive, Caitriona confirmed that Sarah Crossan will be writing the screenplay and right now she’s making sure just to give her as much support as she needs. She said that it’s a process that takes a lot of time, but she loves having this sort of control over a project in here career. And that she’s looking forward to doing more like it! “It’s exciting... it's really empowering and I hope to do more!”

She also mentioned CB Book Club and how she’s loved doing, even if was odd for her to just be speaking to herself at first. But the questions and comments that people send in make her think different and view each book differently than she might have. She says she’d love to have a couple of book club meetings in person some day!

Josh talked a little bit about Couples Therapy and how he’s always asked about it. Caitriona was totally on board with her and Sam doing another one! “Sam and I are obviously such serious people!”

She of course talked about Outlander and said how green she was when she first started. “I was sort of terrified but it was such a great atmosphere with the cast and crew... Everyday was such a new experience” For Season 5 and beyond, she talked about how her and Sam becoming Producers made her feel more like leaders. Caitriona mentioned that obviously Season 6 is going to present it’s own challenges and that she’s nervous about how being on set might feel different than it has before. She said, “Every season brings its new challenges...[Season 6] is going to be a whole new ball game.” But the writers and producers didn’t want to make a “COVID friendly show”, so even with the situation changing they wanted to wait until they could make it the way they envisioned.

There was an audience poll about favorite episodes. The choices were The Wedding and A. Malcolm. Caitriona said, “I mean, I think its hard to beat The Wedding!”

Josh asked about her hardest day of filming and she went back to 1x01 with the “Stop, help! He’s going over!” line. She said because she had said it so many times that day and during the audition, it was hard to improve it because the line got so trite. On the best scene she’s done, she mentioned the dance to the stones in 2x13. She said, “Sam and I were so in sync. It was really special. The crew got emotional, which doesn’t happen often.”

Sam and Graham came on to each read a little Christmas poem. Sam of course plugged both his book and Caitriona’s “amazing” new film, and at the end he blew a kiss and said, “Much love... That kiss wasn’t for you, Josh.”

So there you have it, Anon! My too long summary! It really was a great hour of chatting. If you haven’t seen it yet and would like to, you can still buy a ticket and watch it! It’ll be available for the next two weeks. CLICK HERE.

[stxleslyds]

EVENT LEVIATHAN issues 2 and 3

EVENT LEVIATHAN BUT IT’S ONLY JASON TODD.

Oh, Anon, I am sorry it took me so long to answer your ask, to be honest with you, I had completely forgotten this book ever happened and when I went looking for it, I saw who was the writer for it and my brain disconnected completely.

Michael Brian Bendis, what a polarizing writer. I had forgotten why I didn’t like his work much but this book made me remember that his writing gives me headaches. I swear, every time I read his work I am left wondering if I missed an issue or a page, it’s like I always lack information even though he makes sure to write a lot in those “monologue boxes”.

But I am not here to complain about Bendis, let’s talk about why Jason appears in this book and how is he characterized in it.

If you don’t know what Event Leviathan was about, in the first issue we are told that a terrorist has been attacking places simultaneously. This person, known as Leviathan collected some of the people that survived the attacks (like Batgirl), and others he let escape (like Green Arrow). All of the attacks were on organizations (A.R.G.U.S, Spyral, D.O) that were the pillars of the world intelligence community.

Because the case is big and operating on a big scale, several detectives and heroes (Batman, Robin, The Question, Lois Lane, Plastic Man, and Manhunter) have come together to figure out who is behind Leviathan’s mask.

In the second issue, their main suspect is Jason Todd after Damian suggests that Jason’s “special war on crime” can be related to this worldwide level of terrorist activity.

Well, If you couldn’t tell by the way that I phrased that, I really believe that DC and Bendis had to do some weird changes to the narratives because Jason hadn’t been really at “war with crime” for a very long time, or at the very least, not on that level (against organizations selling/controlling intelligence). So, right of the bat, I am confused as all hell.

Jason at this point in time was working as the Ice Lunge’s owner, so this was after the events of RHatO (2016) #25 and after Roy Harper’s death. But before I get to explaining why Damian and the others thought that Jason was behind Leviathan’s terrorist attacks, let's talk about Jason’s characterization.

How to write about a character based only on “tropes” that the publisher of the book told you. A Guide by Michael Brian Bendis.

We find Red Hood in Seattle, already investigating Leviathan. So, yeah, to me it was kind of obvious that Bendis put Jason there to build up the reason as to why Jason was the main suspect of being Leviathan or working with them.

We are offered some very casual banter with Batman as well as the ever-present subplot of Jason caring for Barbara Gordon. I am not a fan of whatever DC was and is trying to do when it comes to Jason and his crush on a person that he barely knew and has rejected him before. Bendis was probably told to put that there, I really don’t see Jason going out of his way to ask if Barbara is final but oh well.

In that panel we also see Jason say this to Batman, “can we put away the stuff between us so we can work on the case?” to which Batman answers, “of course”.

What the hell was that? First Batman beats the living shit out of Jason (Jason even says that he never saw Bruce hit the Joker as hard as he was hitting him) and rips the bat-symbol of his suit saying that they no longer work together or whatever, then we have Bruce going to Jason to tell him that Roy is dead, he gives him a hug but then proceeds to tell Jason that he is still banned from Gotham.

DC really reduced all that to “stuff between us”, alright, all I am getting from that is that I was right when I said that DC lets Batman get away with his horrible treatment of his kids as if it just were a subplot. Lovely, I hate being right.

But that’s not really what I want to discuss, I want to discuss the level of detective/investigation skills that Jason has got going on for him in this issue. Suddenly Jason has information about what happens with organizations like Spyral, ARGUS, and DEO? And then Bruce asks Jason if he has been in contact with Talia recently?

I am not mad about those last things, don’t get me wrong, Jason being good at investigating and him being (possibly) in contact with Talia are great things BUT they don’t fit in his story anymore.

Where is this Jason coming from, it must not be from the narrative that Lobdell had going on, Jason never showed much interest in keeping up with that side of the world or in doing detective work. And his relationship with Talia was downgraded a lot, basically, all Talia had done was keep an eye on Jason since she first met him before he was robin (yeah, that was a thing that happened as told in RHatO (2011) #25) and that how she found out that he died, after he came back from the dead, she put him in a Lazarus Pit and then sent him to the All-Castle so he could become Ducra’s apprentice. That’s literally it.

Or are we working with a Jason that maintains his Lost Days origins? There isn’t time on the timeline for that to have happened so his involvement in this book and the way that they are writing him is very confusing to me.

Jason doesn’t say anything about Talia except that he pulls an Uno reverse card on Bruce and asks him if he has been in contact with Talia. But just like many things with Bendis as a writer we never really hear any of them say anything about Talia and they continue talking about something else.

Alright, back to sharing what they found it is! Jason has apparently investigated this very closely because he cannot stop bringing up the fact that the attacks leave no bodies behind. Either people escape or vanish from the attack site.

But here is where the so-awaited “Batfamily” mention comes in. After Bruce tells Jason that he is putting a team of Detectives together Jason asks this, “we can’t keep this in the Batfamily?” Gods, was DC on crack when they wrote this? The Batfamily? Honestly? Two of your best detectives are not around to help you and your so-called family left Dick Grayson all alone in Bludhaven!

What Batfamily are you talking about Jason? You, Bruce, and Damian? I can’t with DC pushing and pushing the wildest concept in their universe.

After all that Batman spends a lot of time explaining what has happened or what was supposed to happen, he talks to Jason about how the other detectives were getting closer to retrieve a body that they needed to study. In between what Batman is explaining the scene of Plastic Man talking with Leviathan happens and there Leviathan says that they know each other. So, that’s a clue, whoever is behind the mask is someone that Plastic Man has met before.

We find out that Batman was retelling that story to Jason, so Jason starts putting the pieces together. Batman already has a team, they know that Leviathan has been spearing some heroes’ lives, there is a cause for all the attacks (“a new world order”), and that the attacks leave no bodies. Jason even begins to put together the list of suspects but then Jason asks Batman if they have their number one suspect and Batman says, “Yes”, and it’s Jason!

This is so funny to me, like what? How did they come to that conclusion? Luckily Bendis “explains” the Detectives’ team’s reasoning, I guess? They take turns to ask Jason basic questions that Jason deflects from some reason? It is so dumb.

From this page the most important thing that I gathered is that Damian (the one who initially accused Jason of being Leviathan) says that he doesn’t “think that you (Jason) know you are doing any of this. I think it manifested itself out of grief”.

What? A terrorist that has some sort of technology that makes explosions that leaves no bodies and spares some people’s lives, is being manifested by Jason because Roy Harper died. Did I understand that correctly? That’s their big idea as to why Jason is their number one suspect?

Team of detectives, yeah, I don’t see it.

It makes zero sense! First of all, what “war with crime” was Jason having at the time, and they also say that that war was “a point of controversy for years”. Excuse me? Are they really calling Jason using guns (with rubber bullets) a SPECIAL war with crime? What are they referring to? Are they talking about the events of Under the Red Hood? Because Jason hasn’t been that version of himself in years! We don’t even know if those exact events happened in this continuity!

I am so lost; I actually don’t know why they are relating a terrorist attack to Jason. I don’t know, to me, Jason’s appearance here is unjustified and lacks logic.

Now, we find ourselves in the third issue, where an unnecessary amount of time jumping is done. First, we are in the present after both Batman and Robin let Jason run away. Listen, I know that they tried to paint it as Jason kicking both their asses but I saw those pages, they threw three punches and one of them connect with Jason’s jaw. Batman and Robin just stopped fighting Jason.

I don’t know, why they had to make Damian say that Batman let Jason get away when he was there too and did nothing.

And then they had Damian say this about Jason, “I have never been a member of his fan club but Jason Todd is one of the great master fighters of all time”. Okay, sure, Jason has had a lot of training and he has been immeasurably overpowered over the years but I still find Damian saying this a bit weird, like why would he say that? The fight that is shown after this look into the present is just like any other fight that any Bat-related hero has had. Dick has had more impressive fights than that one after the New 52 and he was immeasurably nerfed.

I love Jason getting recognition for the things that he does right and that he is good at but I need you to represent those moments better. The fight isn’t that grand and they clearly let him run away!

In the fight there all jumped off of a building, (Jason, Batman, Robin, Manhunter, Arrow, and Plastic Man) Jason shoots at everyone and they have a “fight” midair. Then Batman, Robin, and Jason fall through a glass roof and they continue fighting in a pool, this is where I say that they let Jason ran away, they showed us Damian kicking Jason in the face and Bruce punching Jason in the face. But then Jason electrifies both of them while they are in the pool? Listen, this is very nitpicky but Batman and Robin are wearing proper suits for vigilantism, if their suits aren’t prepared to receive some electric shots then wow, but also, the electricity does nothing to Jason even though he is also in the water? Jason’s Red Hood suit at the time was a pair of pants, a shirt, a vest with a hood, and some bandages on his arms… You are telling me that Jason was wearing a suit that protected him from that? Alright, I will believe it, after all, I am very dumb.

Then Jason fights Manhunter, a simple fight apparently, he doesn’t show much fighting skill because she looked like an easy target and then Jason stops fighting and decides to have a nice chat with Lois Lane.

“Why did you run?” I think he ran because a bunch of people accused him of being a terrorist and threw themselves at him at the edge of a building, what kind of question is that?

This page is just, I cannot describe how confusing it is. Lois finally asks that if it isn’t the Red Hood, then why would Leviathan try to set him up? To that Jason answers this, “I was thinking about that on the way down here. Because I am perfect. All this should be me” then he explains “I lose sleep running the numbers in my head, on how measured response to the criminals of the world brings nothing but more chaos. Batman knows this. If this Leviathan is making a big play to change the world, maybe it is the move the “crime-fighters” just don’t, will never have the guts to take. Maybe.”

What. Is. Going. On? Where did this version of Jason come from, this isn’t really in tune with UtRH Jason, RHatO Jason, or RHO Jason. This take on Jason is completely different, Jason doesn’t involve himself with threats on a worldwide scale, he doesn’t care how all heroes around the world operate, and he is not the only one that does things differently from Batman and other heroes that have similar morals.

What is this Jason saying really, is he suggesting that a global terrorist attack can lead to the reconstruction of how heroes work?

Why does Jason think that what Leviathan has going on is similar to things that Jason has done? What did Bendis read that I didn’t? How did Bendis come up with this characterization of Jason?

Because even though RHatO and RHO Jason went beyond Gotham he still fought for things that were directly aligned with his story, Ra’s al Ghul, the Untitled, Essence, all of that wasn’t on a global scale, why is he so suddenly aware of more than that, I just don’t think that his participation in this book is justified.

In these other panels he also comes off as way too aware of what is going on, and I understand that to a certain level all heroes might keep up with what going on a global scale but it seems like Jason knows way too much for someone that hasn’t been connected to those organizations and or people before.

Jason appears a little more after that but nothing of true importance is said anymore in this issue. After, Lois finishes her talk with Jason she reunites with the rest of the team and is like “It wasn’t Red Hood, let’s move on” and that’s that.

That was all Jason did in those two issues. A mix between nothing, knowing too much and him speculating about what a terrorist would want to do next.

Before I give my last thoughts about Jason and these issues, I want to share with you these panels from issue 5 of Event Leviathan.

There, Zatanna and the others confirmed it. Even though Lois listed the Red Hood as a suspect the other detectives told her that not only none of their suspects were Leviathan but that none of them were Leviathan adjacent.

OF COURSE, JASON HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH LEVIATHAN!

Here is what I think, Jason shouldn’t have been in this book, it makes less than zero sense for him to be there. Jason being set up by Leviathan had no logic whatsoever. Jason and Leviathan’s levels of “disruption” are on completely different levels.

I just don’t know why he was there.

Anon, once again I am sorry for taking so long to do this review, I hope you had fun reading this, and I hope that you have an awesome day!

[magnhild]

A Happy Review (kind of) of Ikenfell

Having ADHD means that I have a lot of trouble getting into new media if I’m hyperfixating on something else. As any follower of mine is no doubt aware, my current one is RWBY, and has been for a while. But with the show’s mid-volume hiatus underway, I ended up left in a void with nothing to fill it.

Two days ago, I had a friend reccomened to me a little indie RPG called Ikenfell. I’d never heard of it, but I was told it has a great number of LGBT+ characters, options to make gameplay easier, content warnings, and music composed by the great  Aivi & Surasshu, who you might know as the composers of Steven Universe. This grabbed my interest, but I found myself sketpical that it could be that good, and that the representation, in particular, was largely exaggerated and probably just mild implication. 

Nevertheless, I started the game the next day, intending to play for an hour or so before putting it down again, warning my friend that I was unlikely to get too invested in it.

Almost exactly 12 hours later, I found myself watching the epilogue play out with misty eyes, having finished the game and having gotten deeply pulled into it.

This game was everything it was promised to me and so much more. Between the representation, the accessibility options, and the overall charm of the game, Ikenfell ended up being laregly enjoyable and something truly special; a hidden gem in the plethora of video games released in 2020.

The game follows Maritte Hildegaard, a non-magical teenage girl, on the search for her yes-magical sister Safina, a witch attending the school of Ikenfell. A basic premise on the surface, but the story itself has a lot of neat little twists and turns that all come together for a satisfying story worthy of being animated someday. It probably won’t be, but hey, I can’t dream, right?

To begin with, I didn’t find myself too fond of the battle system, not because I found it flawed, but simply because I personally struggle with video game battles and they can also cause me a great deal of pain due to my connective tissue disorder and chronic shoulder pain. I was getting way too frustrated, even agaisnt smaller enemies, and was ready to put the game down after yet another failure agaisnt the same single boss. Tied alongside the fact you cannot see your enemy’s HP, making strategixing more difficult, I was ready to say that I wasn’t a huge fan of the game.

That is, until I found out about instant victory, an option in the settings that allows you to be given the chance to instantly skip literally any battle in the game, with no negative conequences and all of the rewards. For more avoid gamers, it might be tempting to mark this as a flaw that makes the game ‘too easy’, but is very much optional, and anyone who wants the challenge can play without it if they wish. But for disabled people like me, who also get easily stressed, it was an absolute Godsend that allowed me to focus more on the story and characters, which was what I really cared about.

On the note of characters, the representaion mentioned earlier is certianly no exxageration, with just about every named character being explicily LGBT+ in a way that I’ve never seen before in officially published media. I’m not just talking wlw and mlm characters, though there were plenty. No, the characters aren’t only diverse in sexuality, but in gender as well. Of the six playable characters, three- an entire half- of them are nonbinary. Several human nonbinary characters. And it goes even further- only one of these characters uses they/them pronouns. Why is that good? Because not all nonbinary people do. And that’s something that is severely overlooked by those with binary genders. One of them uses he/him pronouns, and the other uses ze/zir pronouns. You read that right. A main character in a video game, in media at all, that uses neopronouns. Now, I am fully aware that neopronouns have been used in media before; my own set were coined by a book, in fact. But in all of these cases that I’m aware of, they are used exclusively for non-human characters; aliens, bringing an implcation that neopronouns are nonhuman. This case, as far as I’m aware, is the first case that they are used to reflect and represent real human beings, and it is absolutely incredible. The LGBT+ representation in this game is amazing, but there is something very special and signifigant about a black, human, adult character, using neopronouns.

Even better yet is that this is all in the game completely casually, with no fanfare, no dramatic coming-out plotlines, no treatment as if it is anything but normal. Even the one instance of a character accidentally misgender another comes with a quick apology and correction with no big deal. Better yet is that terms like ‘gay’ and ‘nonbinary’ are explicitly used in-text as well, rather than avoiding the use of them as many other instances of LGBT+ characters in media do.

Aside from individual LGBT+ characters, the game also boasts five LGBT+ couples over the course of the story, though one is only sen in flashbacks and another is only mentioned between scenes. Nevertheless, it’s easy to become invested in the slight romantic aspects of the story.

SPOILERS AHEAD

One of these romances is between Ibn Oxley and Bax Twiford, and it’s the first one we see hinted at in the game. During the stoy’s climax, Bax is fatally wounded and I felt a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach, even tweeting an out-of-context ‘OH NO’ to confused and concerened followers. MLM couples in media are all-too-often doomed to fail, usually by way of having one half of the couple be killed off. I feared this would be the same case here, to the only MLM couple in the game, and resigned to it with a hevay heart.

Except, the game surprised me again, and saved Bax before he died, allowing for both characters to get their happy ending. In fact, all of the characters get at least somewhat of a happy ending, a refreshing detail for a sap like me. I was espeically pleased when I sat through the credits, praying for an epilogue that would confirm soemthing I was hoping for, being sure I wouldn’t get it, and then i got it. Every writing choice made felt like one of my own, albiet excuted better, with far more professionalism. It felt so utterly refreshing to have everything turn out the way I wanted it to.

Even decisons made outside of representaion satisified me, like Safina not being forgiven by Maritte after everything she’d done, including keeping Maritte’s entire existance from her friends. In many instances these days, it’s all-too-common for a character to do terrible things, only to be forgiven by everyone the moment they apologie, and it can be a bit frustrating if you’re someone who knows that nobody should ever feel obligated to forgive someone who hurt them, and that an apology is more than just saying ‘sorry’. It was yet another case of the story going exactly as I’d wanted it to.

END SPOILER WARNING

Ikenfell feels just like a fanfiction, and I mean that in the best possible way. Not because it’s exceedingly trope-y, or because it feels amature in any way, but because it doesn’t feel like something that was written for pleasing the (cishet and white) masses when it comes to its representation. The large majority of creators looking to publish their work will avoid going all-out with representation in fear of the classic ‘it’s not realistic’ critisism, with only fanfiction authors usually having the guts to make all of their characters LGBT+, because they’re writing for themselves and a small audience of people who enjoy the same things as them. Ikenfell has this same feel; it wasn’t created to be a huge, wildly popular, chart-topping game, it was created to be something that the people it represented could enjoy. It is the purest kind of video game, not one made for profit or attention, but simply because the creators wanted to create it. The fanfiction vibe also makes a lot of sense, considering the fact that was inspired by them- which may explain why I, laregly a fanfiction writer, agree with so much of its choices.

The game may not be everyone’s thing, but if you’re disabled, LGBT+, a POC, of even just someone who ejoys cute fantasy RPGs, I implore you to buy and play the game, because even my words can’t fully capture what an incredible game it is. There’s stuff I haven’t even mentioned, like the beuatiful music, the great visuals, and the many, many cats, so please, go and check it out for yourself.

Thank you for reading, and thank you to every single person who worked on Ikenfell for crafting such a lovely and inclusive game.

[anextraordinarymuse]

How are you feeling about Nathan and Nathan and Elizabeth right now? Do you feel like the show has destroyed him? Just, how are you feeling about all this—what are your thoughts?

Oh anon, I’m so glad you asked. Buckle up! We’re going for a ride.

I would marry Nathan Grant this instant if 1) I wasn’t already married, and 2) he wasn’t a fictional character. 

Nathan is not even remotely close to being destroyed for me. I love and adore him as much right now as I ever have. I absolutely, wholeheartedly disagree with anyone who says that Nathan was in any way responsible for what happened to Jack, to any degree. That’s just ridiculous. By that same line of thinking, then Jack was responsible for Doug’s death in season 3 or 4 (I can’t remember). I don’t remember anyone pointing fingers at Jack for that series of events. And you know what? By the line of thinking that I’ve seen in regards to Nathan and the secret, then Jack would actually have been more responsible for Doug’s death than Nathan was for Jack’s. Jack declined his orders to go to the Northern Territories. He straight up said “sorry, but no” because Elizabeth wanted him to stay, and he wanted to stay with her. Nathan did no such thing. He made a decision to chase bad guys - which was in line with his job, if not his direct orders - and was disciplined for disobeying orders. That led to Jack being asked to lead the training mission. Not Nathan’s refusal of orders. So ... nope. Jack wasn’t responsible for Doug’s death, and Nathan wasn’t responsible for Jack’s death. Also, depending on who you are and what you believe, it could almost be said that Jack should have died in Doug’s place, and because he didn’t that meant he was going to die in Nathan’s place. There is a macabre sort of symmetry to it: Doug dies in Jack’s place, Jack dies in Nathan’s place. That’s full circle. 

Now, I’m not saying that I believe that. Just pointing it out. I believe that Jack died because of an accident. No one is at fault. It just happened, because sometimes bad things happen. And I understand how difficult it would have been for Nathan to tell Elizabeth that, especially as they got to know one another and he started to fall in love with her. Not telling her doesn’t make him evil or a bad person or whatever - it just makes him human. He knew that it would hurt Elizabeth, and you never want to hurt the people you love. 

I’ve seen various other criticisms of Nathan, of course. I’ve seen some comments saying that he’s too aggressive in his pursuit of Elizabeth, and to that I say that I don’t think I’m watching the same show. Nathan has never been aggressive with Elizabeth in any way. I could literally write a book about that argument, but I won’t, because I still have a lot of other points to cover. 

So, no. I don’t think the show ruined Nathan. I think some people are just ready to hate him for any reason, and if that’s how they feel then ... well, I don’t care, actually. The great thing about fandom is that you get to choose how you engage with it, and I’m not interested in those points of view. Other people’s dislike or outright hatred of Nathan does not dim my love of him one whit. 

As far as Nathan and Elizabeth are concerned, I am tired, but I have absolute faith that they will be together by the end of the season. Nathan is Elizabeth’s “next great love” (words used by Erin Krakow); we’ve always been moving toward their end game, and despite how rocky and painful and awkward the journey has become, that end game hasn’t changed. Here’s a (non-exhaustive) list of reasons why I know that:

Quality of storytelling: Nathan and Elizabeth have the highest quality of storylines both separately and together. Their storylines focus on real and important values such as family, forgiveness, growth, loss, etc. I’ve mentioned this before, but pretty much from their first interaction we are shown that Nathan and Elizabeth are a team. They are united. Elizabeth is the first person to welcome Nathan to HV, and she shares a personal story of her first days in the town and how challenging they were. It’s the first thread that connects them. Also, I should point out that the first time Nathan meets Elizabeth he delivers a measure of relief for her in the form of Jack’s pension. We know that Elizabeth makes money from her teaching, and that her family in Hamilton would probably never let her want for money, but still. Receiving Jack’s pension undoubtedly relieved a financial burden for her (as evidenced by her reaction to seeing the amount). Anyway, the themes of team and unity keep going from there. Elizabeth helps Nathan search for Allie; they have to work together to correct Allie’s behavior and reassure her; Elizabeth distracts Amos Dixon while Nathan is infiltrating the saloon to catch him; etc. These themes are not present in Elizabeth’s relationship with Lucas. All of Lucas’s storylines are impersonal, with the exception of the one with his parents in season 8 and the little bit of backstory we got with the Amos Dixon incident. The work and effort that has gone into telling Nathan’s story, and Nathan and Elizabeth’s story, is absent from Lucas’s plotlines both with and without Elizabeth. Another point: whereas Elizabeth’s first interaction with Nathan ties that first thread of connection between them, her first interaction with Lucas starts them off on the wrong foot: Lucas asks her where her husband is and if he’ll be joining her. Elizabeth immediately walks away from him and Rosie and Lee have to tell Lucas about Jack. 

Depth of interactions: At this point, the lack of any real depth between Lucas and Elizabeth is absolutely intentional. I think it always has been, but now there’s just no question. Almost every interaction between Nathan and Elizabeth has depth. They can’t help it - they’re not really surface level people. Helen Bouchard tells Elizabeth this season that she knows that Elizabeth is a person who feels things deeply, and I think we know by now that Nathan is as well. They bring that level of feeling to their interactions. They argue, they flirt, they talk about the hard things. Pain, loss, distrust, obstacles ... we never see that depth between Lucas and Elizabeth. The one hard thing they talk about is the reveal of Helen’s secret, and it’s important to note that in that interaction Elizabeth calls out Lucas’s comment for what it is: cruel. “What would you know about it?” Uncalled for. This is the only time we really see Elizabeth and Lucas argue, and Lucas doesn’t meet Elizabeth’s depth here. She tells him something meaningful - that maybe Helen had to be the first one to reach out, and that love should be fought for - and Lucas responds with a cruel comment and walks off. That was intentional on the writers’ part. When Nathan and Elizabeth argue they get heated, but they do not attack each other. That’s an important distinction. They’re not trying to hurt each other. Now, I’m sure someone will point out that in Nathan and Elizabeth’s most recent argument about Allie, Elizabeth says “now you’re just being hurtful” when Nathan tells Elizabeth she originally wasn’t invited. Guess what? Cruel and hurtful don’t mean the same thing. Cruel means: willfully causing pain or suffering to others, or feeling no concern about it.” Whereas the definition of hurtful is: “causing distress to someone’s feelings.” I would say there’s a huge difference in those two words. Plus, even though it may have hurt Elizabeth to hear it, what Nathan said was true. It was not an insult, or a petulant remark said in anger. In fact, while Nathan is irritated and kinda snarky, I’d say he’s not really even that angry in the scene where Elizabeth confronts him. They bicker, but he doesn’t lose his temper like he did in the cabin scene in season 7. In fact, in all of the times that Nathan and Elizabeth have argued their disagreements have never been mean spirited or intentionally hurtful. 

But it’s not just that. When Nathan loses his temper in the cabin scene, he says “you both could have died!” When Elizabeth confronts him in the Mountie office the next day, she says “please stop shutting me out!” These are not surface level arguments - they’re not arguing about Elizabeth’s inability to decide what she wants for dinner. (Sorry, had to throw in a joke). They’re arguing over deep concerns: bodily harm, and emotional withdrawal. I find it interesting that Nathan displayed concern about Elizabeth’s physical safety and Elizabeth over his emotional withdrawal, considering that at the end of season 7 and now in season 8 we’re seeing an Elizabeth who is terrified of losing Nathan (physical safety) and a Nathan who has had to weather Elizabeth’s emotional withdrawal. Who’s shutting who out now, Elizabeth? I digress. 

Another thing of note: we’ve never actually heard Nathan tell Elizabeth that she’s beautiful, and we’ve never actually heard Lucas tell her anything but she’s beautiful. Interesting contrast. Nathan says, “You matter to me,” “you’re quite the teacher,” “I’m glad the publisher realized how special you are. He’s not the only one,” and of course, “I love/am in love with you.” Even Nathan’s compliments go beyond surface level. Whereas Lucas tells her she’s beautiful, and that he’s so glad to have her in his life. Again, depth vs. surface level. I do remember that in the first episode of season 7, I believe, when Nathan says that he was never engaged with school Lucas butts in and says “that’s probably because you never had a teacher like Elizabeth.” I tend to disregard this compliment though, because it didn’t feel genuine. Lucas butts in to a conversation that Nathan and Elizabeth are having and then compliments her - it feels like a showboat move. In contrast, all of Nathan’s compliments have been sincere and given in private, without anyone else around. 

I was going to make a separate point for this, but I actually think it belongs here: the depth of Nathan’s gift giving/wooing vs. Lucas’s is also very apparent. Nathan gives her personal, humble gifts: an apple, a hand carved wooden sign with a quote from her favorite poet (which she mentioned once, to someone else), a moment of relief when he offers to hold baby Jack at the christening party. Lucas’s gifts are more grandiose, but impersonal: flowers, fancy dates, etc. The two sweetest things Lucas has done for her, in my opinion, were when he gave her the binoculars to take for the kids on their trip to the woods, and the Virginia Wolff trip. Note, I don’t mean the dinner out of town or the picnic on the way there: I mean the fact that Lucas bought tickets to go see a reading of an author that he didn’t particularly like because he thought Elizabeth would like them. Granted, I didn’t like the way he sprung them on her, but it was still a very thoughtful gesture. 

Wardrobe: Costume and set designers will tell you all the time that they make conscious decisions about who wears what, and when. Nathan and Elizabeth are always dressed in complementary colors. They match, or at least blend well; Lucas and Elizabeth are often mismatched or outright clashing. Elizabeth and Nathan generally dress in lighter colors, whereas Lucas dresses in darker colors. Also worth noting is that we have seen several instances of Nathan and baby Jack being dressed alike, and Allie and Elizabeth being dressed in similar/complementary colors. 

Family Imagery: the amount of family imagery that we are presented with in regards to Nathan, Elizabeth, Allie, and baby Jack is impossible to miss. They pick out and decorate a Christmas tree together in a warmly lit home with a combination of Elizabeth’s decorations and Nathan and Allie’s; even though it doesn’t happen, the first time Nathan asks Elizabeth to dinner they go as a family unit; Elizabeth brings over cupcakes for the sleepover and helps Nathan loosen up by flirting with him in the middle of his kitchen, with an apron on; these are all intimate, family oriented scenes. 

Shows of fear/worry/concern: look at Elizabeth’s face any time Nathan is heading into danger, might be in danger, or just generally might be unsafe in any way. She is visibly distressed every time. She’s also distressed every time Nathan gives her the cold shoulder/tries to back off/resorts to any kind of formality. We’re always shown this moment of fear for her, and usually some kind of scene after that shows us the aftermath. For example: after the fight in the cabin, when they’re back in town it looks like Nathan might be about to apologize and Florence interrupts him and he leaves to find Lee; we get the scene of Elizabeth confronting him the following day. After that confrontation, we get Nathan showing up at night and telling her “you matter to me.” Elizabeth asks Lucas to dance and then sees a crestfallen Nathan leaving the saloon; in the next episode (even though it’s the first episode of the following season) we see Elizabeth purposely approach Nathan in the street with a sweet but awkward comment about Allie’s book report on Queen Victoria. We’ve only seen two real moments of danger for Lucas: the Amos Dixon situation, and the oil derrick explosion. In the Amos Dixon incident, Elizabeth is angry with Lucas for endangering her; in the oil derrick explosion, we actually don’t get a scene addressing that other than the one where Elizabeth stops Helen and tells her that she’s sure Lucas is fine. Interesting differences, I’d say. This also ties into the previous point about the emotional depth that exists between Nathan and Elizabeth, but not Elizabeth and Lucas. Other than the hug, of course, which was a huge display of fear and emotion from Elizabeth, I'd also point you to the scene at the end of 8x01 when Elizabeth is waiting on her porch for Nathan to come home. She can hardly breathe when she sees him ride up. Watch the way she breathes - she inhales so deeply that it makes her collarbones stick out sharply, and her expression is intense. The way she says "you made it home" is so tense and shaky!

The pursuer vs the pursued: This is a huge point, and difference. In the Elizabeth and Lucas relationship, Lucas is the pursuer; in the Nathan and Elizabeth relationship, Elizabeth is the pursuer. Lucas inserts himself in conversations that Elizabeth and Nathan are having, he repeatedly asks her to dinner and surprises her with things (like the Virginia Wolff tickets, and sending her manuscript to his mother, etc). At first, Elizabeth seems hesitant about these things: she turns him down once for dinner, hesitates over the tickets, then finally sits down to dinner with him but won't call it a date. To me, the relationship between Lucas and Elizabeth seems to come about mostly because he wears her down. Elizabeth only really goes to Lucas and opens the door for a relationship after Nathan's profession of love. That certainly makes it seem like she's not so much running to Lucas as she is running away from Nathan. In comparison, we have a whole bunch of examples of Elizabeth being the one to pursue some sort of relationship with Nathan. Not necessarily a romantic one (at least purposely) but every time Nathan tries to leave Elizabeth alone and put distance between them, she closes that gap by figuratively running straight at him. Calling him out for shutting her out, finding excuses to talk to him (like Allie's book report), basically telling him that she went to Union City with Lucas because Nathan wouldn't ask her out. Now, in season 8 I would say that we've taken a fairly hard turn and Nathan has now taken the lead as the pursuer and Elizabeth is the pursued ... which is mostly true. I think one of the key takeaways on this point, and up to this point in the show, is that Elizabeth and Nathan can't help but pursue each other. It's a frustrating game of cat and mouse. But, it's true: even though they're on shaky ground and things are complicated, we still see Elizabeth and Nathan running to each other as much as they run away. Nathan does so in obvious ways, but Elizabeth is more subtle. She sends him that note about missing the parent teacher conference and then they have that conversation in her living room; Elizabeth follows Allie as she barges in on the inquiry and then waits outside with her, and they're together when Nathan emerges; Nathan invites her to the adoption ceremony, they share the moment outside the infirmary, Elizabeth stops him to ask about the stolen car outside the mercantile; Elizabeth and Allie upset each other and Elizabeth runs straight to Nathan. No matter how they have tried not to, it's clear at this point that they will always gravitate to one another. In support, in argument, in misunderstanding, in triumph ... they just keep going for one another.

This, I think, has been the point of having Lucas witness all of these interactions between Nathan and Elizabeth. No matter what they might say or the perception they might try to give off, the truth always comes out - and the truth is that they can't stay away from each other. Even when she tries to hide it, Elizabeth's heart is a compass, and we all know that compasses always point one way (and in her case, the N doesn't mean north).

To that point, I think that there has been a lot of double meaning to the things Elizabeth has said this season. The most recent example: in the last episode when Elizabeth says, "I tried to tell you at Allie's parent teacher conference. You are her rock. You are her foundation. If you let her down, her whole world crumbles." Also, to this point, in the scene where they're in Elizabeth's house, she says, "You will always be the measure of the quality she'll look for in a man as she chooses who to marry." I find the wording of both of these statements both interesting and telling. At this point, I think that Nathan isn't just Allie's rock - he's also Elizabeth's. She trusts him, and depends on him, and holds him in high regard. Nathan has unexpectedly filled a hole in Elizabeth's life: he is her main male support now. She has Bill and Lee, of course, but they don't fill the same spot. Bill is like a father figure, and Lee is her best friend's husband. But Nathan - Nathan is only Elizabeth's. It's a very specific spot he fills, and it's as the leading man in her life. They solve problems together, mentor and parent Allie, address the town's needs, etc. Again - they're a unit, and we're meant to see them as such. Elizabeth's behavior didn't change until after she almost lost Nathan (and then he told her he loved her); she doesn't seem shaken or upset until Nathan does something to make her feel that way. Nathan has become her rock, and she's laid a new foundation with him. Her emotional state is directly tied to Nathan (and Allie, as I think we've now seen). No matter how painful or difficult it is, Nathan and Elizabeth are already bonded (and deeply). A fact that will be highlighted in 8x09 when Elizabeth will choose Nathan's hands in that wedding game, despite the fact that she has never held his hands (but has held Lucas's several times now).

So. This turned into a freaking novel, and I could honestly keep going, but I won't. I will just say, once again, that I love Nathan with my whole heart. I may not agree with his every decision, but I don't expect to. I don't agree with a lot of Elizabeth's decisions, but I still love her too. The writers do have some work to do, however, because they took this further than I expected them to and now they need to work their way out of it. But, even in my most frustrated and tired moments - of which there have been several, and will probably be a few more - I have always known all roads lead to Nathan and Elizabeth. We'll be exhausted by the time we cross the finish line, but we'll get there. Don't lose hope.

[boxoftheskyking]

Pick Up Every Piece, Part Two

how do you write Wei Ying? All talking. How do you write Lan Zhan? Run on sentences, of course.

have some exposition. everyone is a mess, wahoo.

Part One

---

Lan Zhan’s iron is broken. 

There’s no reason it should be—he keeps it clean and returns it to its original box after each use, and it’s barely three years old. But no matter what he does, it does not heat. He shouldn’t even need to iron his shirt in the morning, but deadline on deadline (and budget cuts on budget cuts) mean that he hasn’t had a decent night’s sleep in six days and hasn’t done laundry in a week. There are dishes piled up in the kitchen sink, so he’s started avoiding the kitchen entirely on his way to crash into bed so he doesn’t have to see it.

Things break, Lan Zhan accepts this. They wear out, come to accidents, disappoint you, die. But there’s no reason for this iron not to work. There have been no odd smells, the plug is fine—he’s tried three different outlets—and it’s barely three years old.

He stands in his closet in an undershirt and boxers, one hand pressed flat against the heating element, and allows himself a two minute breakdown.

There’s no reason for it. He’s done everything right, ticked every box. He started writing at age ten and hasn’t stopped since. He was top of his class at university, edited every school paper he had access to and founded two more, he got his masters. Even factoring in nepotism—which he doesn’t like to do, because it makes him feel like a cheat—he’s gone about as far as he can as a journalist. He’s won every major award, and with his uncle as managing editor he has more freedom than most in terms of how he writes and what he covers. He served the Republic, fought for two and half years and got a Sunshot medal for it. And yet, after ten years in his chosen field, everything is dying around him. No one pays for papers anymore, no one cares for the truth anymore. Political pundits on TV and radio have taken over the readership; citizens still traumatized by war just want someone to tell them what to think, tell them everything is fine now, tell them to ignore the injustices and messes and misfortunes that surround them. When he started at the Gusu Herald there were fifty people on staff—now they’re down to under twenty, including editors. All the small town papers in the area have closed, but there’s hardly the staff to even consider local stories these days. Lan Qiren tries to hold out as the last family-owned paper in the area, but corporations are circling. It’s like he spent his whole youth building a shining bridge across a canyon, only to find the other side barren and dead, miles of cold steel and no light on the horizon. 

He turns the iron and presses it against his chest, imagines it suddenly turning on, the satisfaction of the burn.

Then he unplugs the iron, puts it back in its box, and pulls on the wrinkled shirt. He pulls up the blackout curtains to let a little of the thin 7am light into the bedroom. There’s no reason to still have blackout curtains in Gusu, but he got used to it years ago and once he gets used to things he tends not to change them without reason. But he’s got plants now, gifts from his brother, and he’s trying to keep them alive. It shouldn’t be that difficult to do, he is conscientious and meticulous, but then his iron shouldn’t be broken either.

No one comments on his wrinkled appearance when he gets to work, which irks him. There is the familiar sound of phones ringing, printers going, file cabinets slamming open and closed in every direction. It’s calming to him, but he can’t help but notice how much quieter it is now than when he started. Part of it is the new computers—when he started here they were still on electric typewriters which were deafening. But mostly it just feels . . . empty.

Not completely empty, not yet. 

“Hey, hey Lan Zhan,” Lan Meiling waves him over to her desk, where a half dozen reporters are gathered around a computer printout. “Did you see this? Jin Zixun’s the new head of the Trade Commission. Just announced.”

Lan Zhan winces and looks over the report.

“But we’re not a monarchy, right guys?” Liu Dong snorts, shoving Meiling’s shoulder.

“It’s not a monarchy, it’s the other thing,” Wang Tengfei says, tapping his chin. “What’s the thing where it’s not passed down by birth, but you still appoint all your family members? That’s a thing isn’t it?”

“That’s just Jin Guangshan,” Liu Dong laughs. “But hush, hush, treason.”

“Come on, what’s the word for it?” Tengfei asks again.

Meiling takes the paper back from Lan Zhan. “Wasn’t he the one who paid for his grades in college? I get them confused.”

Lan Zhan nods. “That was Jin Zixun. Who’s got the story? There should be clippings. ‘92, I think, or ‘93.”

“Who covered that? Any of you?” Su She leans over the cubicle wall, knocking the photo of Meiling’s family onto her desk. There’s no reason for him to be here; he doesn’t cover politics. He’s had the local court beat for the past three years, and has spent those three years writing the exact same story five times a week with different names and charges plugged in. Lan Zhan is completely sure that he’d cover a person fined for unpaid parking tickets and a person arrested for smuggling baby unicorns with the exact same level of interest.

“Wei Ying wrote the story,” Lan Zhan says. The group falls silent, a troubled glance flying between all but him. “Before the merger, in the Gusu Times. Lan Shu can pull the clippings for you. It was a series, I believe.”

Lan Meiling coughs. “You can find a different reference, Liu Dong. Someone in Qinghe must have covered it.”

“It was a good series,” Lan Zhan says. He’s being needlessly stubborn, but that’s nothing new. “Wei Ying got the school registrar on the record.”

Liu Dong scratches the back of his shaved head. “Yeah, but. You know. I’ll call over to Qinghe.”

“It was a good series,” Lan Zhan says again. It’s awkward enough to break up the group, everyone shuffling back to their desks or the coffee maker. Lan Zhan has that uncomfortable feeling that he’s supposed to want to apologize for something. It’s a feeling he gets a lot, and he hates it. He doesn’t want to apologize—he has nothing to apologize for. Wei Ying was a good reporter; he wrote good stories. Everything that happened after that doesn’t change the fact that he was good at what he did.

Su She follows him over to his desk, so his day is about to keep getting worse. Lan Zhan prides himself on being rational, and he has many rational reasons for disliking Su She. He’s a half-assed writer, he wouldn’t know a decently placed comma if it was unveiled to him on a pedestal by the gods, he is a busybody and a gossip, and he lives to take credit for other people’s work. He’ll offer you the phone number of one of his “connections” and then whine about how he deserves a shared byline.

But on many levels beyond the rational, Lan Zhan hates the guy. He hates the way he pronounces words, his laugh, the smell of his lunch, even his handwriting. And he’s always there.

“You knew him, didn’t you, Lan Zhan?” Su She leans on his cubicle now, though there are no photographs to knock down.

Lan Zhan’s instinctual response is Don’t call me that, which is ridiculous because it’s his name. But he hates the way his name sounds in Su She’s mouth.

“What?” 

“Wei Ying. You knew him before the scandal, didn’t you?”

Lan Zhan takes an even breath. “Yes.”

“Did you work with him?”

“He was at the Times, before the merger. He never worked at the Herald.”

“But you knew him in school, right?”

If Lan Zhan wanted to be fair (he doesn’t), there’s no way for Su She to know that this line of questioning is particularly painful. He distracts himself from the sting of it by considering all of the answers he won’t be giving.

Yes. He gave me half a handjob in 1989 and I’ve thought of it every day since.

Yes. He called me his soulmate one day in the library at Gusu University and I’ve thought of it every day since.

Yes, I read the story that ruined his life before it was published, because he came to my home and asked me to read it and he was so proud, skinny and manic and over-caffeinated and burning, burning, burning, and I looked at him and I recognized the same thing that burns in me, the thing that keeps me coming back to this sad beige office every day, that makes me want to fight the inevitable like swinging swords at the sea, and I didn’t tell him not to publish. I told him it was a good story. It would not have stopped him, me telling him not to do it. But I could have tried. And I’ve thought of that every day since.

He just nods, instead.

“Is he still alive, do you think?” Su She asks casually.

The question stops Lan Zhan. “What?”

“No one’s heard from him since the war, have they? Could have died somewhere. Plenty still missing. I heard he went West, maybe, and the fighting was—”

“He is not dead.” Lan Zhan doesn’t know this for sure. But he would know, surely. Wouldn’t he? The thought honestly has not occurred to him in all these years, that Wei Ying might have died.

“Are you in touch?” Su She has a habit of asking questions like this, flipping from casual conversation to an interrogation. It makes him a terrible reporter.

“I served with his brother. He has not mentioned that Wei Ying has died. I have work to do, Su She.”

It bothers him, even after Su She leaves. He hasn’t seen Jiang Cheng in a few years, and they do not write or call each other. Jin Zixuan writes to them all about once a year, and he visits when he’s in Gusu, but he has always been the more sentimental one of the three of them, the survivors. But he thinks that Jiang Cheng would tell him if Wei Ying had died. 

Perhaps he wouldn’t. Jiang Cheng was not at school with them; he may not think of Lan Zhan as a person to notify in the event of his brother’s death. Would anyone think to let him know? It wouldn’t make the papers, probably, so how would he know? Wen Qing, perhaps. If she remembered. If she is also alive.

He feels it like an itch on his skin, something unsettled in his stomach, the idea that Wei Ying might not have survived. He would know, wouldn’t he? He’d feel it, the change in the fabric of the universe. Food would taste different, his voice would sound different. He’d feel it in the moments between sleeping and waking.

He makes a cup of tea and boots up his computer. They all have emails now, which is still a relatively new part of the morning ritual, but he doesn’t mind adding it as he checks his mail, his answering machine. He had a deadline yesterday and isn’t swamped this morning, so he takes down phone numbers and flips through his calendar on autopilot while he thinks about Wei Ying.

Wei Ying probably remembers him. He definitely remembers him, it would be ridiculous for him not to, but Lan Zhan doubts he remembers their college years the same way. 

(His fingers in Wei Ying’s hair, shoved against the wall in someone else’s dark bedroom, cheering and laughter from the drinking game just downstairs, cheap beer on his breath, everything spinning, spinning, his first time being drunk, his brain singing out kiss him, kiss him again, more, more, more, this is your chance, Wei Ying’s left hand on him, awkward and surprisingly tender, Wei Ying’s voice slurring in his ear “Lan Zhan I’m so glad you’re here, I’m so glad, I’m so glad I found you, Lan Zhan,” before the door bursts open and they spring apart, before Wei Ying ruffles his hair and says, “You probably won’t remember this, huh?” before they leave the party separately, before weeks of silence because what do you say to all of that, before Wei Ying and Wen Qing get together and Lan Zhan says, “I’m happy for you,” which is a lie, a lie, a lie, before Wei Ying and Wen Qing split up and Lan Zhan says, “I’m sorry to hear that,” which is a lie, a lie, a lie . . .)

He could do some digging. It probably wouldn’t be too difficult to find him, and it’s not like Lan Zhan lacks resources. But every time the thought crosses his mind it feels like too much, too violating. If Wei Ying wanted to be found, he would not have disappeared. And if Wei Ying wanted Lan Zhan in his life, he knows where to find him. Lan Zhan is not the one who left.

That’s a bitter thought, and unfair.

The story of Wei Ying is not complicated, and it’s not secret, but it’s never told right. 

They’d met in college, when Wei Ying transferred to Gusu in junior year, in a psych class of all places. Lan Zhan had a double major, because psychology and journalism was a logical pairing, and Wei Ying was meant to take a broadcast concentration but had broken his wrist falling off a roof and couldn’t work any of the equipment. 

Lan Zhan hadn’t known what to do with him at first. Wei Ying had grabbed him for the first group project a week into the semester, declaring, “We’re kindred spirits, you know,” before writing his phone number left-handed on Lan Zhan’s arm. Lan Zhan did not know. They had barely spoken before this, but for the rest of the semester Wei Ying sat by him and they studied together and Lan Zhan pulled strings to get him onto the university paper. And Wei Ying had grinned at him one day in the library, sleep-deprived and rumpled, when Lan Zhan had finished his trailed-off sentence, and said “Ah, my soulmate.”

They were kindred spirits, Lan Zhan believed. Lan Zhan decided he wanted to be a reporter when he was ten and learned the truth about his parents. After an entire childhood of being lied to, he decided his calling in life would be to tell the truth, no matter what. It made him odd and prickly, and usually lonely, but gave him a reputation of fearlessness and ferocity that he would never regret.

Wei Ying was different. He wasn’t so invested in the truth from a moral or political perspective—he was cheerfully amoral back then, in a teenage kind of way—but he loved information and he loved being right. Puzzles and secrets attracted him, and Lan Zhan watched them open up for him like lotus flowers at every turn. 

Lan Zhan settled into their friendship in a way that was unexpected, he began to rely on Wei Ying’s opinion, began to think of things from his perspective when he found himself stuck. And then he’d gotten drunk at a midwinter party and kissed Wei Ying and ruined all of it. It wasn’t Wei Ying’s fault. Lan Zhan had panicked and run and then left for break and never given Wei Ying his home number, and then when he returned Wei Ying wasn’t single anymore. He’d gone to Yiling with Wen Qing and her brother and come back someone’s boyfriend. (Wen Qing! Older, beautiful, stern and razor-sharp, who Lan Zhan had hero-worshipped, the part-time advisor to the school paper who turned down more offers than either of them would see in their lifetimes. That Wen Qing!) And Lan Zhan didn’t know how to handle it so he just . . . let it go. They stayed in touch while Wei Ying moved back to Yunmeng for a while, then got a job at the Times after the war started, and Lan Zhan joined the Herald and went to grad school, always Wei Ying reaching out first. But even after they were both single again and living in the same city, they just stayed apart.

It would be easy—completely unfair, but easy—to blame Wen Qing for all of it. But all she’d done was the same thing Lan Zhan had. Loved Wei Ying, and failed to stop him. If anything, Wen Qing is better than he is—when Wei Ying fell, at least she fell with him.

The downfall was not complicated, and he should have seen it coming. When Wei Ying showed up at his door in the middle of the night with a crumpled print out of his story, Lan Zhan should have seen where it would lead.

It was 1994, three years into the war, and Lan Zhan was in training with the cultivator corps in Lanling. In retrospect, that’s likely how Wei Ying found him—Jiang Cheng was in his unit and must have given the address. Perhaps that was one of the reasons he didn’t stop Wei Ying. Everything was so unreal, the war, the devastation, the training, cultivation itself. Everything he’d known about life, the country, physics, what is possible and what is just a legend, all of it was thrown out into a whirling storm of adapt, adapt, adapt. It was chaos, and Lan Zhan became very good at chaos.

The story would have been a bombshell in any year—over a dozen former assistants, interns, and even one sitting representative accusing the Acting President of the Republic of misconduct and abuse. Rumors about Jin Guangshan were older than his political career, and illegitimate children were hardly rare in government, but Wei Ying had been the first to get multiple accusers on the record along with recordings and photos. Wen Qing, the youngest managing editor in the country and one of only two women, had agreed to run the story.

It was a good story. A really, really good story.

But there was a war on, and Acting President Jin was the only protection the country had against the usurper Wen Ruohan and his army of traitors. Not that Jin Guangshan ever left Carp Tower himself—that’s what the oldest son was for. 

The blowback was immediate—Wei Ying was forced to retract the entire story and resign, Wen Qing was fired and the Gusu Times lost every advertiser and investor on the books. It was only natural for Lan Qiren to buy it up for pocket change, the merger he’d been looking at for years. All of the women named in the story issued statements accusing Wei Ying of lying, of doctoring evidence, of hiring actors that looked like them to fill his false story with fake photos. All statements made after visits from high ranking military officers, of course. He’d heard rumors that Wen Qing’s brother had enlisted and they used him for leverage, which wouldn’t be surprising. He hadn’t expected Wen Qing to give up without a fight.

Wei Ying had written to him once, just after he disappeared, with no return address. 

It’s my fault, it said. Lan Zhan, it was all true, the story was true, but I’m still a liar. I told them I could protect them all, if they went on the record. I promised. I promised Wen Qing. And I couldn’t. I’m sorry, Lan Zhan, I never wanted to be a liar.

And in the end, it meant nothing. Few enough people were getting daily papers, much less actually reading them, and with the immediate retraction, reams and reams being taken off newsstands by military police, it was barely a drop in the storm that was raging. Outside of the newsrooms themselves, at least, where Wei Ying and Wen Qing were nailed up on the wall as a cautionary tale. Free press, up to a point. Sometimes Lan Zhan thinks about what would happen if the story broke today, the impact it could have. But after the retraction, you can’t go back. He can’t think about it too long or the rage overtakes him. Rage for Wei Ying, for Wen Qing, for every person in the article who was smothered and tossed out with nothing. The kind of rage that doesn’t fade, can’t be extinguished.

Lan Zhan shakes himself. Wei Ying is alive. Wen Qing is also alive, most likely. Su She is an idiot.

He only has one message on his answering machine.

“Hey, Lan Zhan, it’s your cousin Lan Liang. Listen, I’ve got something I want to talk to you about. I don’t know if it’s your thing, or if you choose what you cover or whatever, but there’s a kid gone missing here in Moling and some very weird stuff going on at the building sites. I don’t have all the details, but it’s my uncle’s daughter-in-law’s foster kid. Cops aren’t giving them much, so I said I’d call you. I don’t know if the kid went wandering and got hurt or got lost or what, but maybe someone from the Herald can cover it, get the public interest up. Maybe someone knows something. I don’t know. Probably a long shot, but I said I’d call, so there you go. You can reach me at—”

Lan Zhan takes down the number neatly in his calendar. He can call after the 10am meeting, maybe drive out to Moling in the afternoon. The rage is still there, banked and contained and ready to be useful.

Part Three