#prob cause i didn't sleep much at all last night

[maidencfdeath-a]

like this for me to send you some memes! multis please specify if you have a preference of muse

[imaginespazzi]

Nivi Nivi Nivi. How dare you deliver so spectacularly. Us fluff girls need this kind of reprieve from the delicious angst as my heart is weak and I will fall into a severe depression if not treated tenderly with random fluff chapters. Thank you mommy.

April 2030

AHHHH KK!

Ok this tension is making me sad

Bullying Ice makes me laugh poor gal

Going to the bar, ok I know immediately where this is headed lol

Azzi loves to say WIFE with such distain. I don't think we gave credence to how upset the whole Olivia situation made her. I think she prob felt she didn't have the right to be upset. But she fucking hates her hahah. 👰🏽‍♀️🔪⛹🏽‍♀️

"there isn't a wife" i don't know why but this phrasing is very funny

Ok can I just say I really like how you integrated them sleeping together here. I know you said writing the chapter with 2 sex scenes in shades of blue almost killed you lol, but as the leader of the horny anons, a reference to them having sex still satisfies me greatly haha

April 2033 - Officially not the book of Mormon.

ok wow I really expected this to pick up right where we left off with them going right from the bathroom to the bed. They have restraint that I certainly don't have.

"Because the last couple of weeks had been hell. The stupid rules had been hell. Going slow had been hell. "

YA WE KNOW ITS BEEN HELL FOR US TOO. -> How has Azzi been surviving this either, we know she is equally as horny as P. Must have a really good rabbit or hitachi magic wand or gotten a custom vibrator made in the shape of paiges fingers that is keeping her more level headed than paige

“are you cold?” lol Azzi this is lame you nerd

“I think- I think her bed might be a little small for you.” ok this is a funny visual but actually cute cause she has probably gotten into Stephies bed to read to her at night and picturing her all hunched and uncomfortable is adorable

“make me stop thinking.” -> CHOIR OF ANGELS SING HALLLLLLLELUJAH, HALLLLELUJAH, HALLLLLEEEELLLUJAHHHHHHH

Ok you said before you don't consider yourself a great smut writer but I have to again say you are AMONG THE BEST. You are so incredible at conveying the intimacy/rawness of sex without being over the top/porny lol. I love the details of this scene sooo much, I've read it about 4 times already

Azzi kissing paiges body and noting everything she missed 😭😭😭😭

“missed all of this. Missed everything about you. Missed you so much baby.” -> I COULD CRY. I am cry. 😭😭😭

“Please what?” Azzi asks coyly, fingers moving at a faster face as she hides a grin against Paige’s neck, “gotta tell me what you want baby.” -> AZZI YOU WILEY MINX

“How have you gotten better at that? Actually you know what never mind,” Paige shakes her head, “I don’t want to know that.” -> hahaha Paige don't worry Clem didn't teach her new French fingering techniques.

Azzi being vulnerable about her body my sweet sweet baby

“Hey,” Paige whispers, lifting the younger woman’s chin back up before pressing their foreheads together, “talk to me baby.” -> wow so this whole time they just needed to bang to turn into excellent communicators?!

THE OTHER TIME? You are telling me they had sex again between the flashback from the beginning of the chapter and now?!?!!? OHHH you little easter bunny you 🐣. I am thinking this was some kind of Olympics related drunken celebration in 2032 - which would be like 6 months before the start of the story 😮 . And that probably ended badly in the 'LAST TIME' Jana references in chapter 1. Cause something fucked up happened between April 2030 and the beginning of the story for sure. You weave a real web Nivi! 🕸️

they keep calling each other Baby and I can't take it and I hope it continues

Ok did not see Azzi having a tattoo coming. Hot. Wonder if Paige has one. A big OLIVIA on her butt cheek she tried to cover with a map of Bolivia

Azzi returns from the bathroom with a smile and a damp cloth as she hops back onto the bed, gently dabbing it between Paige’s thighs. -> ok this is really intimate and sweet, brb going to give my gf shit for never doing this for me

April 2033 part 2

Ok I am normally a Paige girl but you are really converting me to an Azzi girl with these visuals. Waking up to Azzi reading in glasses sign me up

“Yeah you did,” a soft smile takes over Paige’s features as she leans up to brush her lips against Azzi’s, “you came back.” -> D'AWWWWWW

I knew Stephie and Katie were gonna pussyblock them in the morning 🐈🙅🏽‍♀️🙅‍♀️

"you’re not my dirty little secret or anything." -> ok I know his made P happy to hear, but actions speak louder than words. Not hiding her in her house from family is not the same as being open in public. STEP IT UP FUDD.

"I’m not quite ready to tell Stephie about us" -> ok girl she is a smart kid she is going to figure it out soon with all these sleepovers and ya'll are not going to be able to keep your hands to yourself no that you are going coital -> These bitches need to have a status convo. cmoooooon be gf/gf.

April 2033 part 3

LOL at Katie smirking in the background of this scene. She seems like the kind of parent that doesn't shy away from talking about sex, and liking Usher with his shirt off.

YOU GUYS HAD A SLEEPOVER WITHOUT ME -> hahah oh Stephie girl trust you don't want to witness any part of that sleepover. In about 10 years you are going to be disgusted by the sounds you hear when their door is locked. Get the girl some sound cancelling BOSE* headphones. *this review is sponsored by Bose.

Stephie milking it. Ok Paige is hilarious but this scene actually got me thinking, there is going to be a time where Paige shifts a little to be more responsible/parental with her Stephie interactions. I am curious how that change might come. I honestly can't picture her disciplining her but its part of being a parent, so she's gotta learn how to do it and not give in all the time!

In-N-Out just makes me think of those pictures of Paige's fine ass at the espys eating a double double in that suit. rawr.

And Paige thinks that when all is said and done, when she looks back on her life, she’ll remember this moment as the one where everything started to finally come together. -> I hope so Paige, but the person writing you can be evil sometimes so who knows

Well, this was fantastic. I love you, you spoil us, praise be to Nivi. 🤱🏻💜

Mommy remains insane work but I had a little tiny hunch you would enjoy this chapter lmao <3

Poor Ice fr fr

Olivia and Azzi really and truly don't fw each other and for good reason.

I simply could not write 2 smut scenes in the same chapter again. I don't know how I did it then but I certainly could not do it now like I'm ngl writing smut makes me cring and I have to repeat "for the people, for the plot" to myself life sermon while I'm doing it

LMAO no longer the book of mormon at all

IN THE SHAPE OF PAIGE'S FINGERS LMFAO (hmmm ideas for myself)

Thank you! I will never think it of myself but I'm glad y'all had fun and your horniness has been fulfilled lol

That post-coital communication is just different what can I say

I am Spider-Writer welcome to my web that I myself am slightly wrapped up in because I keep weaving and occasionally forget where the threads are going lmao

HEY LISTEN AZZI'S TAKING BABY STEPS AT LEAST SHE'S MOVING

Katie has no shame and she will not let anyone else be ashamed either and I love her for it

I think there's still a little while before Paige is going to become more disciplinarian with her but she is eventually gonna have to learn, you're right.

Also

Yes this was my favorite part too tee hee

[cheemken]

Yknow what,, have some wholesome non villain au related hcs abt the Unova kids before I write the third chapter hahah

•Iris and Hilbert probs take turns holding the Champion title now tho fr, and at one point they decided to just share the title, w Iris telling him that Steven and Wallace shares Hoenn's Champion title too

-and hey, Hilbert was more than happy, he gets to share it w his bestie hahaha

-when challengers face the two of em it's such a quick fight, ofc having one of Unova's Hero and then Unova's Champion on the same team and they're the strongest trainers in the region wouldn't really reassure you that much

•they have lil picnic outings every month as suggested by Bianca, and ofc everyone should always be free on the day she planned the picnic or she'll be sad and they don't wanna see her sad

-Hilda had to constantly remind everyone of the things they had to bring, and has to be more specific when it's N's turn to bring the snacks cause the last time he was in charge of it, he only brought berries and water

•Cheren left his Samurrot, and even his entire team with N, as N didn't have his own team now, often just letting Reshiram stay w him per Hilbert's request

-ofc it took a while before Cheren really trusted him, but he also wants someone who knows how to take care of pkmn and can understand them to be the one to watch over his team

-N would always update him abt anything regarding his team, and often they'd visit him in Aspertia, hanging out in the gym, and sometimes N even joins the classes to listen

•look they're just really great friends okay they make me so ill and so soft like imagine them having movie nights, they watch a horror movie and everyone's fucking vibing

-Cheren and Hilbert acts all tough, trying to convince the others (just themselves really) that they aren't scared, but the slightest of sounds could make Hilbert scream, and he'd cling on to Cheren for dear life, scaring Cheren too

-Bianca gets scared easily, hiding behind her hands and asking if the scary part is over, she'd tell them that they should just watch smth else instead. She'd like, hold on tight to Iris' and/or Hilda's hand/s, but her grip is so tight tho that the two of em had to calm her down

-Iris and Hilda aren't bothered by it much, ofc Iris was so used to the movie nights w the other champions, and Hilda reads over the movie's plot before watching so she could anticipate the jumpscares or the scary bits

-N is honestly so confused most of the time, asking why that Pokémon was hurting that trainer, why are ghost Pokémon attacking them, etc, and Cheren had to tell him bc it's also a good distraction from the movie

•sleepovers tho,,,

-N and Iris not knowing what a sleepover is/wasn't invited to one since, and the Nuvema kids went all out, Bianca got all of em matching onesies fr

-N fucking loves the onesies, Bianca got him a Zoroark one, he wore it once when they went to the mall and Hilbert and Cheren were very insistent they don't know him

-but ough them just sharing secrets and such yknow, pillow fights, just having fun telling each other abt their day, them just sleeping so close to each other bc they're scared they'd suddenly disappear and they just mean so much to each other man jcmxndn

[eyesonmehoney]

28.08.2024 spiral of the day

I am spiralling because I am afraid Brandon (why did it take me time to think what his name was LMAO) is going to dump me because of previously brought up conversations surrounding money last night that I know I am insecure about and I hope it's not making him feel insecure but I know that it can because I've brought it up a few times now

and when he doesn't respond for a few hours it makes me anxious that he's thinking of our past conversation and he's changing his mind or he thinks he can't hold to the ideals I'm after to which he's not wrong FOR but I'm happy to forgo this for real because he makes me feel so emotionally safe bar the times I'm triggered purely out of emotion and logically I can see that i'm being silly but emotionally I'm trying really hard to see past it but I struggle to see past myself even when last week Brandon was being really good with messaging and now it's been three hours and realistically I know he'll reply soon but my brain is trying to convince me otherwise that he's on the verge and he's looking for an out and didn't he make a joke about him being a runner or was that me??????????????

this new spiral started occurring because it occurred to me he hadn't messaged in a few hours and periods of time of not messaging doesn't make me anxious generally but the moment I feel like the energy's slightly shifted or changed is when I feel anxiety

and if this keeps happening daily I fear I will push him away just to get the anxiety to STOP. because I want this to stop I don't want to feel like this anymore

what caused the spiral? when he didn't respond on monday for 6 hours because he was dealing with family stuff and it was reminiscent of the way zac 1 treated me or the way I treated him rather and I let my own anxieties get in the way of something that could've been really special had I not let my own self get in the way of that. And I am TERRIFIED I WILL DO THIS AGAIN

USING MY LOGICAL BRAIN

he reads into what I say - asking if I'm projecting about running away and ghosting him / dumping him because he's concerned I'm going to do it to him

he made a joke but held back but made the joke but not really a joke about asking whether I'm going to ghost after we sleep together because a part of him genuinely thinks I will

he's told me he's infatuated and that he likes me several times

the accidental test of the footy and ditching him for a quarter which he brings up so it's clear it still pains him even a little bit

talking for 3 hours on the phone and that being something we regularly do

bringing up plans to go hot springs on the weekend

accepting my offer to crash or for me to pick him up - he said he'd like that - even though we both knew we got shit sleeps then but it was the act of spending time together

bringing up the fact that he reads into what I say because you wouldn't do that unless you either weren't sure of how someone feels about you or you want reassurance that the other person isn't going anywhere

and I truly honestly get the feeling that he needs as much reassurance as I do that we won't leave each other

and also he asked about a million q's asking whether I'd sleep with another woman and honestly only yes if we were in a part of our relationship if where there was complete trust and honesty and he paid more attention to me

and it truly makes me cry every time at the thought of how sweet he was taking my hand kissing me when I was uncomfortable and hormonal at the game. like where / how do you find someone like that??????? I will not let myself let this man go because I have deep rooted fear and anxieties that he will abandon or leave me because of some other childhood trauma I have yet to heal within myself

he might've seen my messages and thought it didn't need a response so he'll respond later, like at home or after work or when he remembers he hasn't fucking heard from me all day but baby steps and patience!

IF YOU SAID THIS TO A FRIEND:

I'd say that he's probably busy at work, or saw your message but didn't want to respond because of a million other reasons that has nothing to do with you and maybe he's hungry or tired or horny or has his mind occupied by other things that has nothing to do with you. Sometimes we don't want to respond because of such miniscule things but if he's literally been on the phone with you the night before for hours on end discussing everything and life with you while also simultaneously seeking reassurance, I think you are fine and you're letting your own insecurities get the better of you

truly it's not that deep, trust

what evidence supports my belief?? based on past experiences with zac 1, zac 2, 2 men PRE-THERAPY, dush when he tried to push me away, louie post-travel (great a new anxiety to unlock

experience is useful but you know what none of those experiences have in common - the way that brandon treats you - and how emo you get and the literal tears when you think about it - when you think about how sweet, kind and nice he is, and how he holds space for you and how IMPORTANT that is for me, because it is so beyond appreciated that it makes me want to give him the world

none of them have made me feel emotionally safe like how brandon does and you should not punish yourself for him not replying or punish him for not responding when he has made it pretty fucking clear that he's into you. NONE OF THEM.

[nathank77]

8/26/26

8:28 a.m Added to at 8:50 a.m

I took my normal dose with a tiny baby Sliver. Couldn't be more than .1... I prob took .8 or so. I fell asleep fast. Really fast. And I slept really well. I def didn't take a one but it was close. I took it cause I had anxiety about GED and I was scared I wouldn't sleep... and it was so tiny, I mean. It took restraint to not take a full 1 bc I knew my anxiety would be non-existent...

I don't think the dose is what knocked me out. I think that my thyroid is getting the full dose of Methimazole... today I just took my 3rd 5mg that didn't have l salvariuos mixed in.

It's weird but ever since I fixed my circadian rhythm which lined up with taking Methimazole without l salvariuos and making sure the bioavailabilty wasn't affecting it I've been sleeping easier... the first two nights took me 20 minutes or more.

But last night and the night before I was out like a light. I was so stupid for thinking xanax was losing it effectiveness.

Sure people who take it during the day time hours and force themselves to walk around and do life, stop feeling the sedating effects but if you take it for bedtime on your circadian rhythm and close your eyes. It will always sedate you and help you sleep.

Last night I fell asleep quicker than any other night in a long time. My eyes must have been closed for like 5 minutes maximum. How I wish that could be every night. I'd stop having so much anxiety about sleeping.

Of course I'm like it's bc you added the Sliver. It was so small so fucking tiny, I didn't even write it down for one of my 1mg days bc the original dose was like maybe .6 or .7 maybe .8 which is my normal. But I was thinking it was a .7..

I cut them chunky but they all are not equal. I'm just glad I slept well.

My hallucination has been awful this morning... worse part is I haven't touched weed in almost a week... I don't get it.. but yea I'm just thankful I slept. Today is the last day of barebones hardcore moshpit...

Imma try but not hold my hopes high. I got to shave my head/face and trim my beard. It may get held off until tomorrow if bo4 goes well. If not... well I'll do it today.

I'm still scared about GED but my mri appeared normal.... and according to reddit a lot of people get it and aren't recommended tepezza bc of the side effects. They just have to see a neurooptimalogist yearly or so and have mri and ct scans and have their eyes measured to make sure it doesn't come back or worsen.

I'm just going to remind myself all day my mri would have denoted inflammation in my optic nerve. Or excessive fatty tissue in my orbits. There would have been signs.

My anxiety brain is like bro they didn't look at it. I just doubt that, they were looking for any abnormalities and if it was abnormal they would have found it.

Despite that I do worry cause I know I was effected by GED.... the pictures I posted below don't lie.

Something that scares me about it is what if my eye lids don't close fully bc my eyes are more buldgy... or what if I do tepezza and my eye lids do meet right now and then they get droopy and i need surgery bc my eyes get pulled inwards..... SUICIDE is the answer to that what if. I'm terrified. I do think my eyes close all the way... but see these things I'm typing are true concerns for GED.

[baja4nia]

last night was the last nice night out before its cold rainy and windy for the next week so even though i should have been resting i stayed up and went out. once it was past like midnight i went to the bars to stay awake cause i had to talk to this guy and he wouldnt be back from going out til like 3 am. before i met up with him though i ran into minnesota boy and he was charming as ever thank god i looked presentable this time and he invited me over but i said i had plans..... later i go over to this guy's house to talk and he could prob tell things were different cause this was the first time i was over there not completely wasted but yeah he was on all sorts of drugs literally about to snort a line of ket saying he needed a downer before bed and in my head i was just like yea i didn't want to be staying up late just for this i don't want to be hanging out with these sorts of people i don't care if they know everybody or if they have a half pipe in their backyard or if every room in their house has a hilltop view of the pacific ocean or if they can power slide their way down a corkscrew parking ramp or if they have a custom rusty brand shortboard. i had to talk to him though because appearently there was a mix up blah blah blah his side of the story just made it more confusing but i was going to use that as an excuse to stop seeing him right like oh there's too much drama let's not hook up anymore...... but then he tells me a very interesting bit of information that really just. mmmmm. basically now i have fucked my crush's roommate and his newest close friend. god. but yeah once i found all that out i was just like yeah i gotta go home i'm not sleeping here tonight see ya. and thats that.

[coollyinterferes]

He’s awake still.

There’s coffee and fresh stolen pastries on the table.

[tsukishimas-shortcake]

Relationship Headcanons

↦ Character(s): Hakkai Shiba x fem!reader

↦ Rating/Warning: No rating though there are some light mentions of abuse (if you have read the manga you are aware of what I am talking about, I’m not going very deep into it though it literally just mentions it), mentions of anxiety attacks (no detail though), fluff, not proof read

↦ Word count: 1.8k (longer than planned, sections are bolded)

↦ Your Momo’s Receipt: Hello~ I’m post yet another TR headcanon and this was requested by the lovely @strawbub I hope this doesn’t disappoint, it did get longer than planned but I enjoyed writing it. I'll prob do a part two that's more of a scenario based on your first date or something since I didn't go into it here. Please note: for those of you who don’t know my blog is currently under construction, meaning I will not be updating my masterlist for the time being.

So how did you guys meet, well mostly because of Yuzuha,

One day in like elementary you’re walking home and you see this super pretty middle school girl just like yelling at this small group of guys

The guys end up running off just because they don’t wanna deal with her or the attention she's drawn to them

Behind her was a boy, taller than her but obviously younger. You didn’t assume they knew eachother though.

The boy and yuzuha began walking in opposite directions because one was going home while the other was going to pick up something like groceries

You’re so entranced by how she stood up to them yet she’s a girl who was far smaller and you end up catching up to her, almost stepping on her heels

You end up absent mindedly following her into the grocery store and eventually she just freezes, turns, and stare directly at you

Your eyes widen since you must’ve been staring and she just goes “may I ask why you’re following me?” And you explain how cool she was earlier. She invites you over for dinner (esp since her older brother won’t be home) and figured it’d be good for Hakkai to meet someone his age

You end up going over but Hakkai didn’t come down to eat so you never actually got to meet him, though from then on you would see Yuzuha every so often, visit every other weekend or so

But no matter how often you came over the next few months, you never once met hakkai,

That was until you both reached the end of your middle school education and we’re about to begin high school

You had gone over because you were going to borrow an old work book from Yuzuha, and when you go to knock on the door the door opens before your closed fist could hit it, instead hitting a firm chest

You blush and quickly apologize but the person in front of you doesn’t move at all, doesn’t say anything and almost looks like they drifted into space with their dead stare

You assume this is yuzuha’s older brother because you’ve also never met him and you immediately turn to walk away but Yuzuha calls over hakkai’s shoulder

“Y/N-Chan! You just got here where are you going?” This was def not yuzuha’s older brother. There’s no way she’d be that happy with him around; oh my god. Realization hit, the guy who you hit (though it was more of a tap) was hakkai.

The hakkai you had only caught a glimpse of in yuzuha’s photos, never talked to or actually seen in person despite going to the same school and living in the same neighborhood

He must hate you. That’s why he avoids you. That’s def why - is what you think

Yuzuha drags hakkai back inside and invites you in; you sit down with them in the living room and watch hakkai visibly relax now that he’s inside his house, his own space, with a pillow behind him and a blanket covering his lower half, he almost curls up into it as he continues to avoid your stare

“Hi hakkai…Kun? Im L/N Y/N” you say and you see his face dead pan once again

Yuzuha can be heard laughing from the kitchen as she comes back in.

She leans over and begins explaining that hakkai literally just freezes with any interaction between him and girls who aren’t in his family

You nod, thinking maybe it’s an anxiety thing? Which is the case with you, but only because he’s been watching you since you’ve come over (not in a creepy way) wanting to and working the courage up to talk to you

The 5th or so time you came over after that encounter he was inches away from introducing himself before the house phone rang causing everyone to kind of “wake up” in a sense

Every time since then he gets closer and closer but isn’t able to say anything; he even realizes he has a crush on you.

The way you sit when you do homework and how cute you look when you’re focused.

How your forehead scrunches up when you’re trying to figure something out and you end up just sitting back with a small huff followed by yuzuha’s signature laughter.

It’s also a huge thing that you get along with Yuzuha.

So enough with first meeting time for the confession.

He ends up confessing accidentally. He didn’t know you were coming over to begin with so he was flustered out of his mind. And how was he supposed to know you hadn’t actually fallen asleep and you could hear him over the tv

The tv was more white noise than anything and the day was hot since it was the middle of summer causing the window to be open and the sound of soft wind and small birds to drift in; this was the hot that makes you tired so you were all sprawled out of just sitting in a daze

So while resting your head on the table you’re dozing in and out but then you hear hakkai begin to speak, something he never really did around you

Now did you and hakkai text? Yes. Did it take him an hour to reply because his brain would explode when you replied to him? Yes. But was it a start to communication? Also a yes.

You hear him say your name quietly before he moved closer, you can feel his gaze on your features

“I like you” is all he says. Simple and sweet. But you sit there in shock, trying not to blush so he’ll have no idea you heard him but he can tell because your forehead scrunches

You heard him and are focused on if you should reply or not. And he knows that.

You open your eyes and just look up at him, he’s closer than expected. His hand close to yours on the floor and he reaches over and grabs it lightly. Hoping you’ll also return the gesture by holding his hand instead of leaving your hand limp inside his.

And you do, thank goodness, and Hakkai almost mentally can’t handle it.

Once you start dating it’s more so just hanging out at his house or yours; however he talks a bit more and you text a lot more. He’s gotten better at replying. It usually takes him like 15 minutes now

He’s kinda stressed about your relationship but not due to anything you or him did

He’s stressed because of the mentality his older brother gave him

Is he even allowed to be this happy?

He finally has someone thats small enough and naive enough that he can protect you; compared to constantly being protected it’s a sudden, strong, yet good change for him

He’s touch s t a r v e d

Yes Yuzuha shows affection; but he stopped accepting her hugs when he was around 8 just because he physically wasn’t able to handle it due to his bruises and such

But with you, even with his bruises and all you take care of him. Able to coax him into using medicines and toning down the physical violence (that he can control himself)

He also finds it super soothing when you lightly brush over his scars (especially those that his brother gave him), it helps him believe that scars are only physical and can fade with help

One thing that stresses him out the most is trying to hide you from his brother. Any time you leave something at the house its easy to pass it off as yuzuha's but when it comes to things like photos he has with you, he can't hang them up, show them off, or have them as his phone Lock Screen, etc. because he just really doesn't want his brother to know and target you since he'll then know that you're his weakness (aside from yuzuha as well)

Sometimes won't explain why he can't hang out and has legit pushed you out of his house before at the last minute notice of his brother coming home

Will always make sure you get home safe though, usually by having Yuzuha go with you since then she can just say you're a friend from school

Your parents love him, though they were a bit hesitant it became a "you always have a place to stay" because they learned about their family situation from you and yuzuha. So expect him to spend the night when he's too scared to deal with his brother. Same with yuzuha. (yes I know this isn't yuzuha head canons but its hard to write for him without mentioning her when they're so close)

We're talking three person sleep overs. Yuzuha and you of course share the bed and Hakkai takes some time to even set foot in your room much less sleep on a mattress that's on the floor

He has a small heart attack every time he comes into your room because he's overwhelmed with everything, he's never been so comfortable and it makes him feel restless. Like he's never and I mean n e v e r been less stressed and slept better than when he does so in your room

The smell, the colors, just being surrounded by you is something that completely changes his mood

Once showed up after he fought with his brother, tears in his eyes and clothes a bit tattered and you just pulled him to your room, and sat down with him.

You laid on your bed with him laying down onto of you, head on your chest as you rubbed his head and only said a few words "its not your fault"

He ends up crying so hard he falls asleep and gets dehydrated and you have to make him drink a bunch of water when he finally wakes up.

NSFW

super fucking careful w you

almost annoyingly so, but you're understanding

He knows that he might be taking things frustratingly slow but he knows that since you understand and know his history that you can help him get through it

Your first time you think you'll have to call it off because he's shaking so bad

"baby... are you sure it won't hurt you?" he keeps asking.

pretty sure that's the longest its ever taken him to finish because he was so anxious

despite being so slow and hesitant, late he isn't too scared to get a bit rougher

but im not talking anything crazy im talking like he's willing to pull your hair a bit or nip a bit harder at your neck.

Please never ask him to do anything like degrade you or some type of harsh physical rough shit, he can't

like literally im 99% sure that if you ask him to choke you or something he will pass out because of the anxiety attack he would have at even the thought.

in short with nsfw though he is sweet boy. He's a switch through and through. Loves when you take care of everything because then he doesn't have to be scared of hurting you.

[tastyykpop]

𝐶𝑟𝑎𝑧𝑦 𝑖𝑛 𝐿𝑜𝑣𝑒-Part 1

Pairings: yandere mafia leader!baekhyun x reader

Genre: suggestive, smut in later chapters, angst probs, fluff here and there but its very lowkey

《teaser next》

Warnings: kidnapping, drug use, alcohol consumption, baeks kinda crazy, pet names, master kink, spanking (he literally spanks her once), choking (not in a kinky way), mentions of blood and murder

Word count: 4.9k

Tag list: @wooya1224 @geniusloey tell me if you want to be tagged!!

⚠️ this is purely fictional and not how I imagine baekhyun to actually act. If you feel like you're in a situation like this please run and report it. I do not support this behavior.

How long has it been? 3 or 5 days? Maybe even a week. You didnt know nor did you care. But why would you? You've gave up caring ever since your boyfriend, Sungho was murdered right in front of you, but you couldn't even see who the murderer was which drove you insane.

Tears and blood stained your pretty skin that night, so much agony and rage ran through your veins. All you wanted to do was curl up into a ball and scream until you passed out. But its been days since you've gotten a proper good night's sleep and it was eating you away ever so slowly. Everytime you closed your eyes, you remembered that dreadful day, Sungho's screams, the terror on his beautiful face, his lifeless bloody body. What did he do to deserve death? Why did it have to be him?

"Y/n! Y/n, its been four days please come out of your room!" It was the familiar voice of your mother and her knocking that brought you back to reality. She was almost begging, she hasn't seen you since you locked yourself away that night so you couldnt blame her for being worried, but you were fine. "I'm coming in."

She pushed your door open to see you cuddling your blanket with no emotion on your face. You looked at her with barely any care and rolled over, facing away from her.

She sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, "You know y/n, we'll get to the bottom of this and have them put behind bars. It's gonna be ok-"

"No its not," you rasped from not using your voice in so long, "I dont even know what the murderer looked like, how can we put them behind bars!?" There was a small pause, she knew finding them wasnt likely which hurt you like hell, but she was still trying her best to comfort you.

"...At least come out of your room, everyone's worried." Your mother pleaded and though you really didnt want to move, you didnt want to upset or worry anyone any further so you got up.

With a smile, she did the same and led you downstairs to where you dad and sister were. They tensed when they saw you, but nonetheless smiled sadly, thanking the heavens you were okay.

"You look horrible..." your sister, Haeun, commented making you cringe. It wasnt like she was wrong, you spent four days not taking a shower and sitting in the same clothes so of course you looked bad, who wouldn't.

You excused yourself and went into the kitchen grabbing the first thing you saw, a bottle of vodka. Now it wasnt the best drink you could've had, but you decided to drink away your pain and suffering since you couldnt take the heart ache any longer.

"Shes doing it again." Your mother whispered but you heard her clear as day. "Shouldnt we stop her?"

"What for? She won't listen and she's traumatized. There's nothing much we could do right now." Your dad spoke with sadness watching as you took a quick swig from the substance.

Normally, you're not one to drink vodka but now it felt good, maybe too good. The more you drank it, the less pain you were in. It could last forever, you thought, but nothing lasts forever.

As you poured yourself another drink, you started wondering about Sungho again. If there were an afterlife, was he happy there? Would he be watching over you, making sure you were happy and healthy?If only it were that simple.

Though you and him were starting to drift off a bit, you still cared and loved him and now you're starting to take everything you guys went through for granted. Its what you get.

Standing up, you left the kitchen a bit dizzy from only drinking alcohol and having nothing else in your system and went back upstairs to take a shower. You decided after drinking, you wanted to go to the club you always go to. Normally, you didnt go on a Thursday, but you thought since you haven't been out in a while that it would be good to leave and breathe in the fresh air.

You took a fairly quick shower and your hair and makeup didnt take long either. Finally stopping to look at yourself in the mirror, your saw how pale and tired you were. Almost lifeless. You figured that once you finally have a good time, it would all go away and you'd be happy again.

"Where are you going?" You jumped at the voice of Haeun who appeared out of nowhere.

"To the club." You stated nonchalantly,

Haeun frowned, "Thats not a good idea, all you'll do is drink until you pass out. And there's always weirdos waiting for their turn with someone vulnerable like that."

A smile formed on your face trying to lighten up the mood a bit, "Ill be fine. I promise nothing bad will happen."

Haeun sighed, almost sounding like a bratty child who didn't get their way because she knew she wouldn't change your mind no matter how hard she tried. It sucked to have a stubborn sibling like yourself.

Sehun rolled his eyes at the sight of Baekhyuns scheduled flirting session. The girl was dressed in barely anything and he could tell she was probably Baekhyuns new toy for the night as he started getting handsy with her. But Sehun could see how Baekhyuns eyes weren't always looking at her. Instead, they sometimes searched passed the girl in hopes to find something else. He knew what, actually who he was searching for so he never asked or mentioned it.

He remembered you perfectly. Your calm and sleeping figure laying peacefully on your boyfriends chest. It was a shame he had to wake you up while he killed the man. And it was a shame to see such a pretty girl cry and scream with such fright in her eyes.

But Sehun didn't feel that bad, he did what he was supposed to do with only a little remorse.

"Sehun," Baekhyun called, the younger lifted his head waiting for him to continue, "Are you sure you didn't hurt my little toy the other day?"

Sehun scoffed, "If I did, I'd be dead by now, hyung."

The man chuckled sadistically , "She hasn't been here in a while," Baekhyun looked up from the girl and turned to Sehun, "Its only safe to ask."

"Hyung, I told you before that shes probably scared." Sehun face palmed when Baekhyun glared at him.

"A little red shouldnt effect someone that bad."

"I kil-" Sehun stopped what he was about to say, forgetting about the girl straddling Baekhyuns lap and cleared his throat, "Shes not used to stuff like that, Baek."

He didn't care about what Sehun said and ignored the youngests pointless blabbering, returning his attention back the girl only for a short amount of time until something caught his attention.

You walked in his club with confidence and beauty not giving any staring man the time of day and took your usual seat at the bar. After ordering your drink, you put your head in your arms and Baekhyun grinned.

Now was his chance, there's no way anyone will get in his way and there was no way he'd let this chance go.

"Stay here." Baekhyun said to Sehun, pushing the girl off him as he stood up. She almost pulled him back but he gave her such a terrifying death glare that made her stop.

"Theres no way youre actually gonna go talk to her...right?" Sehun questioned a bit shocked that Baekhyun was actually going to you after so long.

"Of course I am, I'll be back." With that, Baekhyun walked away from the two with only one thing on his mind: you.

He waltzed with a smirk of pure evil. What would he do? Only God knew, but he couldnt help himself when he saw your pretty face.

All eyes watched Baekhyun stop next to you, astonished that he went to talk to a girl and not the other way around, "Excuse me sweetheart," You popped your head up in the direction Baekhyun spoke, he took a seat next to you with an almost comforting smile when he saw your red cheeks, "But are you okay."

You wanted to spill everything that happened so bad because you needed to get it out, but you didnt know the man and neither did he know you so all you could do was nod, "Im fine."

Baekhyun knew behind your lying eyes was someone in pain and searching for a person to hold, but he couldnt do anything just yet and tried loosening you up to him so he could do what he wanted to do in the first place.

"C'mon sweetheart, you can tell me anything." He smiled that charismatic smile of his, "I'm easy to talk to."

It was believable for the most part and you laughed a bit, the first laugh you actually had since that tragic night, "You seem like a sweet talker," you smirked causing Baekhyun to chuckle, "Whats the catch?"

"There is no catch, I just wanted to know if youre okay. And besides, I could tell you've been crying." He pointed to your tear stained cheeks and you mentally cursed yourself for unintentionally crying just a few moments ago.

"Oh.."

"Dont worry," He chuckled, "Whatever it is im sure you'll get over it." Baekhyun almost failed to hide his sinful smug as you frowned and covered it quickly with a swig of your drink.

But something inside was eating you away about what happened, you needed to let out your emotions and you started caring less and less that he was a stranger. Then again, what if you scared him away? What will happen next?

"At least tell me your name first," You blushed and shyly looked over at him who had an expecting glint in his eyes, "Then maybe ill tell you why I'm so upset."

Baekhyun stretched his hand out in front of him and you gently shook it. Damn he had a strong grip, "My names Byun Baekhyun and you?" He asked as if he didnt know who you were.

"Y/n L/n." You beamed, wondering why his name was so familiar. "So uh- my story..." Fumbling with the drink in your hands, you sighed heavily, "Long story short, my boyfriend was...murdered in front of me." You mumbled the last bit, but you didnt need to repeat yourself as Baekhyun already knew every single detail of that night thanks to Sehun.

Placing a soft hand on your shoulder he whispered with fake sympathy, "I understand now why you're so upset," Liar, "I feel terrible," No he doesn't.

He wiped a stray tear that had slipped down your cheeks and sent you a solemn look.

"I-its in the past i guess." You muttered, "I can't change a thing about it."

Damn right you couldnt. Even if there were some form of time travel, Baekhyun wouldn't dare let you try and change the past because that would mean you weren't entirely his. But since there isn't anything like that, Baekhyun has nothing to worry about except figuring out how to bring you back with him.

"Would you like a glass of water, y/n?" Baekhyun asked quickly as a thought popped into his head. You nodded your head slowly and Baekhyun called over the bartender. You werent really paying attention to him ordering the water and just let your mind slip to the sound of the music and looked around the room, tapping your fingers to the beat, but you stopped when you felt a pair of sharp eyes watching you from somewhere. You looked here and there before stopping on a man that was a about a few inches taller than Baekhyun. He had a eerie grin on his face when you noticed him, then he winked.

Chills went down your spine and you spun yourself around in your chair facing forwards causing Baekhyun to raise an eyebrow but he didnt question it.

"Heres the water." He handed the drink over and you thanked him before taking a sip. It tasted a bit weird but not all water tasted the same, though it was slightly dry for water.

"So tell me about yourself, y/n." Baekhyun checked his watch, all he needed was fifteen minutes then you were all his. "You seem like an interesting person." He looked up and smiled.

"Well," You thought about what was possibly interesting enough to tell him, "Im in my second year of college!" A smile crossed your lips.

"Oh really? Where do you go?" Baekhyun did seem interested to know some parts of your life. Somehow, you caught his attention like that. Thats why Sehun was a surprised when he finally made his move with you.

"Seoul of Performing Arts." You beamed. It was the happiest moment in your life when you got accepted and all of your family members, extended and close, celebrated your acceptance, "My boyfriend, Sungho, went there too."

He just about rolled his eyes but replaced it with a nod and a fake warm smile. If you knew him better, you'd know that smile was only him clenching his jaw in anger.

"How cute." The glint in his eyes proved he was lying and maybe you were too stupid or innocent to notice when you took another sip of water.

He watched and wished his plan could go faster, he was excited to have fun with his pretty little toy and he couldnt wait any longer.

"What about you?" You raised a brow. There was still something in your gut that made you feel like you knew him. And you still wondered why. Was he someone famous in the city? Maybe you've heard your friends mention him here and there? What was it about him that was so familiar?

"You'll know soon enough kitten." You frowned at the pet name as he pat your head like you were a small child yet you chose to ignore it.

It was a bit outlandish and made you more skeptical to know who he was.

"Thats not very reassuring, Baekhyun." Your quirked.

"Why tell you when I can just show you?" He leaned in, mocking your now pouty lips and chuckled, "The drugs should be setting in by now."

You lifted your head up with wide eyes, "Wait what?" Did you hear him right? Did he say what you thought he said? "What do you mean drugs!?" You said with awestruck as your heart raced in fear. You hoped to god he was just joking

The man before you smirked that unpleasant smirk of his, almost like the guy you saw before and you started panicking more, knowing he wasn't kidding. You tried to get up and run but you felt so woozy in a matter of seconds. Not to mention the sudden pain in your stomach that made you want to throw up. What was Baekhyuns plan? Why did he do this!? You thought at least one thing could go right tonight and maybe you could have fun, but you were wrong. So so wrong.

Trying to leave the club building, you knew you wouldn't make it but you still wanted to attempt an escape. It didn't have to be like this. Each step made it harder to move and your eyes started drooping. It was too late for you.

Already collapsed on the ground, people gasped and stared at your almost lifeless body as Baekhyun tilted his head to the side, "She tried, ill give her that." He walked over and crouched down next to you, moving the hair out of your pale face, "But not hard enough."

In an instant, your body was thrown over the man's shoulder. No one commented on anything that happened in fear that they could be next. It was impossible to say that they felt bad either, they were just glad it didn't happen to themselves.

"Sehun," He called out to the younger male but Sehun was already ahead of him, "You drive." He tossed him the keys.

With a nod they both walked out, you on Baekyuns shoulder as he took you to the expensive car. Gently, he placed you down in backseat, putting your seatbelt on for you, and climbed in on the other side to sit next to you.

"All this just for a girl." Sehun shook his head but needless to say he still smirked, "Youre loosing yourself, hyung." The car sparked and drove off into the night, no cops came searching. They knew better. And neither was there news of your kidnapping, the city stayed quiet.

Sure once your parents realized you were gone they'd start freaking out, but would they dare mess with Baekhyun? Would anyone actually try to mess with him? The mafia could easily answer that with an optimistic no. Remember, Baekhyun had power. No one is going to stop him.

"How long will she be out for?" Sehun asked.

Baekhyun shrugged, "Like an hour or two." He was excited for your life with him now, he knew you were finally his after a year of watching you come and go in his club, plus the small stalking he did when he wanted to see you, and he could only smile. No one can get in between him and your love anymore. "Shes gonna love it when she gets home!"

Sehun chuckled at Baekhyuns almost child like enthusiam and started, "She seems a bit innocent," he paused, looking back at your passed out body in the mirror before returning back to the road, "Normally women don't look off into space when someone's buying them a drink."

"Maybe she's a bit slow, but she wouldn't be here with me if that didn't happen."

The candle flickered in the dark as you awoke on a strange bed. You're head was pounding a bit as you tried looking around at your unfamiliar surroundings. What happened? Was your first thought and you started questioning where you were too. You knew something wasn't right but you couldn't understand why.

You tried getting up only to be locked in place by restraints on your wrists. They were only silk but they were tied tight enough to keep you still. Tilting your head in confusion, you heard foot steps coming towards the door and stopping for a mere few seconds before the door handle twisted.

You anticipated what was going to happen, you didnt even know what was going on in the first place, but you remembered the man standing in front of you.

"B-Baekhyun..?"

"Hey, kitten." That sinister smile was plastered on his face. You were sure it held more meanings then just one.

"Where a-am i?"

He almost cooed at your curiosity but composed himself, "At my mansion, where you'll be staying from now on."

There was a moment where you had to think, interestingly enough what Baekhyun said didnt even frighten you in the slightest, but then again you were high off the drug.

"C-Can you u-untie my hands please?" Your voice was soft and quiet, Baekhyun noticed you werent fully aware of your surroundings and complied, untying the silk from your wrists.

Your eyes were a little dilated when you looked at him. He was gorgeous, you had to give him that, though you wanted to remember why something wasn't sitting right with him. "Baekhyun?"

He looked up with a hum.

"Who...are y-you to me?" You squinted your eyes at the man who sat on the bed next to you, drawing small shapes on your thigh in a sort of loving manner.

"Your boyfriend, y/n."

Boyfriend? You have a boyfriend?

"I have a boyfriend..?" You muttered and asked more to yourself than to him, but he snickered, knowing way more than you did.

"Kitten you drank too much, go back to sleep." He lied and pushed your shoulders down so you were flat against the mattress.

"I-i did?" You whined when Baekhyun kissed your cheek. He always wanted to kiss more than your cheek, he couldnt bring himself to do that unless you were fully conscious for him.

"Yes baby girl, so get some sleep."

You grumbled, "I-Im not t-tired."

Baekhyun sighed, "Then what would the pretty girl like to do?"

You perked up on the mattress and grinned, "Im hungry!"

"Youre hungry?" Baekhyun repeated with a smile at your small childlike energy and you nodded back, "I can ask someone to make you something if you'd like."

"Please!"

He stood up, waiting for you to do the same but since you weren't very awake, you stumbled a bit.

Baekhyun settled with carrying you to the mansions kitchen, awing at your cuteness the whole time. It was a bit of a walk but luckily you were light.

Sitting you down, Baekhyun walked off, finding someone to cook for you. In your state, you felt a bit lonely, only knowing Baekhyun and not your surroundings, it made you feel a bit lost. It shocked you too how you didnt remember Baekhyun being your boyfriend, you started question the relationship between the two of you more.

"Princess i got you your favorite dish!" He walked in with a plate of jjajangmyeon and set it down in front of you.

Your mouth was watering and you were ready to dig in before wondering, "H-How do you know m-my favorite dish?"

Baekhyun hesitated at the question before clearing his throat and spoke with a raised brow, "We're dating y/n, why wouldn't I know what you like?"

"Uh yeah..right...." you dug in, your mind was starting to clear up a bit, not enough for you to fully remember anything though. But the more you thought, the more consciousness you regained.

Baekhyun watched as you gobbled down the meal with full satisfaction. This wouldn't be the first time he's watched you and neither would it be the last. He liked knowing you were eating well and were healthy so he was proud.

"I-im done!"

"Good girl. Now wait for me to come back so we can go to bed, okay?" You nodded and sat patiently as he took your plate and waited for your boyfriend to come back.

A few moments later, Baekhyun still was no where to be seen and your mind was slowly coming back, "N-no...wait." mumbling to yourself, you figured it out in just mere seconds and remembered that your boyfriend was brutally murdered four days ago in front of you. After four days you went to the bar to drink away the anguish and met someone, that someone was Byun Baekhyun. After thirty or so minutes of talking to him, you were drugged when you werent paying attention and passed out minutes later. Now you were here at Baekhyuns mansion, lied to and kidnapped. "Oh fuck."

The chair scraped against the floor and you wasted no time running to your hopeful freedom.

But you weren't a lucky person. Oh no you weren't. You were tossed and pushed against the door you were about to open by someone much bigger. He was the same guy you saw at the bar and his smirk was nothing different. Cynical and frightening.

The man stepped closer to you before putting one hand next to your head and whispered, "Are you playing a cat and mouse game with hyung now? How cute." Standing tall, he grabbed you by the hair and dragged you back to where you came. You groaned and tried fighting back, but there was no use, he wasn't going to let go until after he practically threw you into Baekhyuns arms.

You were about to scream at Baekhyun and the no name man until Baekhyun covered your mouth with his hand, "Say something and you'll regret it." He growled into your ear as you shook and fought.

You hummed against him and tried biting his hand and punching his side, but he was like a man of steel and let it happen, only raising his brow like he wanted to hurt you, but didnt.

"Sehun, tell Chanyeol to lock all the doors for the next week or so 'til she learns how to behave."

The man nodded and ran off leaving you two alone. Fear was one way to describe it and the look Baekhyun gave you didnt help.

"Now kitten why would you go and do some shit like that? Are you asking to be punished?" He took his hand off your mouth to let you speak. Baekhyuns aura was much different than earlier. The nice guy was gone and you were left with a man who could kill you with just one look.

You stopped hitting him and screamed viciously, "Fuck you! You're fucking insane!"

"Now now princess," he pressed a hand to your throat, wrapping it tighter and tighter until you felt the oxygen leave your lungs, "It seems as if you're asking for a punishment."

"I-if you...s-so dare to-touch..any other p-part of my body, i-ill....kill you..." You whimpered, grabbing his wrist in attempts to pull him off but Baekhyun was relentless, keeping his grasp tight and painful.

"Stop struggling, you're only making this harder for yourself."

There were two options now, either listen to Baekhyun or fight until you passed out again.

"Princess." His voice held a warning tone and you hesitantly stopped and moments later he loosened his grip, you knew there would be marks by tomorrow, "We are going to bed now. Don't try to run, I have this place guarded up and if you do somehow make it out, be prepared because I will find you and beat your ass until you can't sit for a month. Understand?"

Your stomach did flips and not in a good way, you were scared, "Y-yes."

"Can you say 'yes master'?" His voice went higher as he said the last part to mimic yours.

You sighed, positive if you didnt comply then you'd be here all night, "Yes m-master..."

"Good girl." He kissed your cheek and you almost smacked him in disgust but tried not to act aggressive towards him. You wanted to leave, not be punished by whatever he had in mind. "Call me that from now on."

Baekhyun grabbed your hand and led you to the room you were just in, now that you took a good look, it was a pretty room. There was a red sofa against the wall and some other matching chairs plus a huge flat screen TV hanging on the wall facing the bed. You had to admit, he had good taste but he was still insane.

As you sat down on the bed, Baekhyun reached into his draw to pull out a t-shirt and handed it to you with a wide smile, but you raised a brow at the fabric.

"No pants?" You asked.

Baekhyun chuckled, "What for?"

"Because of creeps like you." You grumbled and snatched the shirt that dangled in front of your face before storming off into the connected bathroom. Inside, you could hear Baekhyuns annoying laugh and ignored it, changing into the surprisingly very oversized shirt that went down to your mid thigh.

Taking the clothes you wore earlier, you went back into the room where Baekhyun laid peacefully on the bed, waiting for you.

He only had his boxers on which made you groan in anger and decided to not lay on the bed and instead on the couch near it.

"Princess, what are you doing?" He perched himself on his elbows, watching you throw your clothes on the ground then take the folded blanket on the couch and wrap yourself with it as you laid down.

"Going to sleep, master." You stated coldly with a glare.

Baekhyun rolled his eyes, "Get over here." He said, voice low and laced with dominance but you remained still, closing your eyes and pretending as if you were asleep. "Y/n." He warned but there was no reply.

"Thats it." You heard him get up and march to where you laid. Baekhyun picked you up and you yelped at the sudden intrusion and were thrown over his shoulder.

Smacking his back got you nowhere as he threw you down on the bed, pinning both your hands down and hovered over you with a killing look, "Next time you don't listen, ill bend you over my knee."

"Youre all talk, no action." In an instant you were flipped over and a hand landed straight on your bare ass, leaving you shocked and mouth agape.

"Are you sure, kitten? Would you like me to spank you again?"

"N-no."

"No what?"

"N-no master.."

Baekhyun slowly let you go and laid beside you, still a bit irrated. "Now go to sleep."

You couldnt. Not with the lingering fear of what could happen next. Plus, not with his arm wrapped around your waist with a somewhat tight hold. You were just too scared to let your gaurd down. Why shouldn't you be scared though? What if he took advantage of your sleeping body and did something terrible.

There was no way you could get rest now. You could now count this as your fifth day without proper sleep.

[blake-belladonna-defence-force]

It's the ✨annoying little shit✨ again

The Gremlin anon😺

With a ✨very gay update✨

I really don't know what my life has become... I don't if I'm real or if the universe is real or God or Bumbleby... I don't know...

So, when Miss oh honey came back, she sat next to me on the sofa and then locked eyes with me. I could tell she was still anxious about what happend, she was still shivering a little after all, but I wasn't expecting her to hold my hand and in the most shy voice I've ever heard her do, ask me "C-can I sit on your lap?"

I just- IS THERE A OPTION EVEN!?!?! CAUSE IT IS HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY NO TO THAT CUTE FACE!!!!!

So I nooded in aproval and sat there... On my lap... With her arms warped around my neck... And looking into my soul with those baby blue eyes... I just- I-

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE!!!??? WHA- HOW- WHY-

THE FUCK!?!?

But the thing that was confusing me even more, was the fact that holding her, being in this situation with her... It felt so god damn right I can't even explain why or how... I only got to really know her 4 days ago... It's just- It's too surreal... It can't be real...

At some point during my inner rambeling she got closer and was holding my cheek, and she leans in and kisses my cheek and says "Thank you... For saving me at the grocery store"

I just- MY VOICE CRACKED

I tried to anwser like a normal person but I literaly anwsered her sounding like a squirrel "No prob"

She started giggling at me and even tho I was embaressed this moment was too precious and soft for me to feel anything else but happiness and safety, I wanted this to last forever, but out of no where, she says "Can I kiss you? I mean... On the lips"

I- gay panic gremlin noises

I just- I- YES WHY NOT I DON'T KNOW ME IS LOST HEAD THINK TOO MUCH PANIC

I tried to open my mouth but AS USUAL THERE WAS NO SOUND!!! I COULDN'T ANWSER!!!! BUT I NEED TO!!!!

HELP!!!!

After some time, that felt like an eternity of silence because I was not being able to say anything, Miss oh honey makes a really sad expression and says "I'm sorry... It was weird wasn't it? I shouldn't have-... I'm sorry..."

IF SATAN IS TRYING TO MAKE ME HAVE MORE REGRETS IN MY LIFE I HAVE A LITTLE THINK TO TELL YA!!!

NOT TODAY SATAN!!!!

Before she managed to get out of my lap I grabed her face and FUCKING KISSED HER

I WON'T HAVE MORE FUCKING REGRETS IN MY BLOODY LIFE

I. DO. NOT. RE. GRET. THIS. DECISION

IT WAS THE MOST SOFT AND TENDER KISS I EVER HAD!!!! I'M GONNA BE GAYING OVER THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!

I'M SO HAPPY I COULD CRY!!!!

When we stoped kissing, Miss oh honey looked at me with an expression that I don't know if it was pure shock or delight or both. After we stare at each others eyes for what it felt like forever, she (with a shaky voice) says "I thought... I thought you were only interested on roommates name"

"And I still am to be honest..."

"Then why did you?..."

"Because it felt right, you feel right... Both of you do..."

"Are- Are you saying you have feelings for both of us!?"

"Pretty much... At first it was just roommates name but after what happend yesterday and today in the morning I just- Like I said... You felt right"

"Well... If it makes you feel any better it was the exact same for me"

After this with both started giggling like idiots and shortly after we stoped giggling, Miss oh honey told me about her previous abusive relationship (I won't tell anything about it since it's her story and it's very personal)

After she told me hers I told her mine and I don't know when it happened but we just fell even more into each other, and it felt intemate in levels that none of us had ever expirienced... It's felt so right it was... I donno...

But at some point, one of us would need to ask this, and she was the one doing it, so she asks "What are we now?"

"I donno... Partners?"

"Partners... I like that, but, what about roommates name? You still have feelings for them"

"Yeah... I really don't know what to do... I'm more lost than ever..."

"Well, can I confess something and you promise you won't freak out?"

"Ok"

"I have feelings for them since we were in middle school, but, as dense as I can be I belived I only saw them as a close friend... We have been friends since we were kids and along my life I never had someone as loyal and caring as them by my side... It was so obvious I liked roommates name... But it was needed for me to be in a abusive relationship to realize how much they meant to me... It's stupid but... The reason my relationship with my former partner didn't get worse was because, everytime he picked something he didn't like about roommates name I would tell them to shut up, and the more he did that, the more I realized that what he was doing was toxic behaviour..."

"Oh... Uau... I- That's- I donno what to say but you had feelings for them when you offered youself to be my wingwoman!!!"

"Yeah but... I saw how happy you two were and how sweetly they talked about you... That I- I want roommates name to be happy... But I ended up wanting for you to be happy too..."

"Well... I want you and them to be happy, and I think now we are each others wingwomans"

"What?"

"You heard me! We are gonna get our crush and we will do this together!"

"snorts You dork"

Some time later we realized that... Our roommate didn't get out of their room for the whole day!!!

We ran to their room and we see them still sleeping and cuddleling MoonMoon

They slept the whole fucking afternoon while we were being gay in the living room XD

We woke them up and took them to the living room so we could eat the snacks me and Miss oh honey bought this morning

We all started rewatching rwby, and turns out Miss oh honey is also a rwby fan and that our roommate is the only one that never watched the show

THIS IS GONNA BE A HELLA OF A RIDE!!!

And I cannot discribe how happy I am ;w;

I cannot warp my head around the fact that Miss oh honey is now my partner and that both of us are now trying to get our crush XD

OUT OF ALL OUTCOMES THIS WAS WHAT I LEAST EXPECTED!!!!

MY LIFE IS A BLOODY FAN FIC!!!!

But anyway, I wish everyone a great day/afternoon/evening/night :3

- happy Gremlin anon

That... is very unexpected, Gremlin anon. But good for you!

[lionfloss]

Okay so I’ve been dating a girl since February we have only been seeing each other even though we technically aren’t officially together. Last night she told me when she went on vacation earlier this week that she met with ex and they slept together. Now I know that we aren’t technically together but that just feels so fucked up to me and I’m not sure how to feel or what to do now. I just feel like to break trust this early in the relationship there’s like no coming back from that or am I overreacting since we are not together.

Alright okay so.....if I were you I would prob feel the same way 100%. Even not being exclusive it hurts (this same exact thing actually happened to me a couple years ago but it wasn't his ex it was just a random girl) and I told him like hey we didn't have that talk, it's not my business who you sleep with if we aren'y together, but if we aren't exclusive why are you telling me? However, her mindset could be completely different from yours, and to some people, unless you have that conversation about exclusivity face to face, all is fair. but ALSO she could have said at some point that you are NOT exclusive if she was/planning on sleeping with other ppl. It being her ex, could have been really unplanned and unexpected. The fact that she is telling you could mean a lot of things, that she feels like she owes it to you, it could have made her realize how much she likes you etc etc. But I completely understand if that's just not something you are okay with, especially if you thought the relationship was in a different place or if you have not been talking to/sleeping with anyone else but her. I get that sometimes even if it's not disclosed, it just feels real and exclusive. For example my current BF and I never had to have that talk cause once we went on a date, it was just me and him in our own lil world lol. I think that at this point, the decision to continue the relationship is up to you, and I would suggest just being completely open and honest about how it made you feel. Let her know that you feel your trust was jerked around, and maybe ask like, what was going through her head when it happened. Were you a factor at all? If you were to move forward is this something you are going to have to worry about. People's reactions to conversations like that can be very eye opening. And I don't think you are overreacting in my opinion. For me, once trust is broken, things will never be the same. And not trusting someone will 100000% ruin a relationship and bring out really ugly parts of you (from my experience of being cheated on by literally everyone i've dated in the past).

[penguinrecovery96]

*trigger warning* BPD SEVERELY FUCKED ME OVER TODAY!!!!

I didn't sleep at all last night. I actually feel like I have been awake for days. Most of it was anxiety surrounding my appointment with N because of how shit I have been. I was just properly up from about 6am also struggling with acid reflux (is this a common thing in eating disorders????)

I ended up self harming. I tried to distract myself with puzzles and also by watching two points of lager on iPlayer. It helped a little. N turned up at 11:06 when I thought it was 11:30 so she massively caught me off guard and I didn't know what was going to happen. My arm was still bleeding. I hadn't prepared so I massively failed at lying to her. Today's appointment should have gone somewhat simply. We would have discussed the potential of getting a job and then just the usual stuff. Instead things escalated to discussions about family dynamics, death and trauma. I also had to discuss the fact that these intrusive images are coming back and how it effected me over new year's. You can guess that all of this lead to me completely disconnecting and getting a very difficult image/flashback.

I made the decision because of my arm to talk about self harm. She left that in my hands. This escalated to conversations surrounding risk (conjoined with everything). This is where things get bad and I know it should have been fucking simple but just know that my bpd took me and everyone around me for a fucking ride today. I'm in no dissilusion that I was in the wrong. N got me an assessment with this crisis place and I freaked out during it. It's a big step. It's like a mini admission. I then started completely pushing everything back and N was not happy with me. She called bullshit on what I was saying and suggesting we do. She told me straight what would happen but my fear levels were beyond 100. I know I've put her in an awful position. And I am so incredibly grateful for this woman and the support that she gives me. She does care. Many haven't. Well anyway she stopped responding to me and said she would call me on Monday and walked out of my house closing the door between us.

My little bpd brain freaked the fuck out and I thought abandonment and also knew I had fucked things up, should have gone ahead with the all the things we spoke about, and also I was terrified about the prospect of the weekend and how I was meant to deal with it. How was I going to cope when I had pushed away my one support network. How was I going to cope with all this emotion and turmoil.

Thankfully I managed to text with N straight after. She was just trying to reassure me to stick with it. I told her I was sorry and explained that I am just scared. I had to tell her that in the midst of the build up of stress I had overdosed ( but I had purged so I knew I would be okay). N called an ambulance. I didn't want her to because I find being at a&e really difficult. The paramedics were lovely thankfully. Both female. I tend to get all male crews. We ended up talking about toy story and Disney mostly.

At a&e I had all the one done, 2x blood tests and an ECG. There is a receptionist there and she barged in and was like "what's going on!" I literally love her she is so freaking lovely and supportive and genuine. She stayed with me as much as possible. I always feel like I let her down when I am there. Someone else I feel this way to is a mental health nurse called Barry. He is so down to earth and will have a laugh but also tell you as it is. I kinda died a little inside when I saw him cause I had only seen him on Sunday. he got me to ring Nicola to ring him so I had to do that. I was so anxious at first but N seemed to be just like she always is. She just doesn't want me locked in a cycle. I don't want that either but it's difficult to see anything but a major crisis on the horizon and I feel unable to manage or sustain anything. She said the meds I had requested wouldn't be given to me because of the overdose. I don't know if they were going to give me sleeping pills too (probs not if I'm honest). We briefly discussed HTT but said I would discuss it with MHLT later on.

I met some lovely nurses who told me their stories and listened to mine. Made me laugh when I wanted to cry and I am genuinely so grateful for them tonight!

I was put in a room in one of those hospital nighties so I was convinced that I wasn't going anywhere tonight. I was then transferred somewhere else in a&e and pretty much left. I had been fighting the anxiety but I couldn't handle everything and I ended up self harming for about 15/20 mins before someone noticed my door was shut. I was then restrained by about 6-8 people. The lead consultant actually told a load of them to go. I managed to still cut with them on me. They started bandaging my arm so I couldn't get to it and then also trying to get the blade from my hand which took 3 people. They got it. They started saying they would read my notes and that if I didn't calm down they would have to give me a sedative ( I know they probably would have chosen haleperidol which does fuck all to me). There was one nurse in that room who he just held my hands and squose them. He told me that I was alright and everything would be alright. He cleaned my hands and then he held them more. He just made me feel safe. He tried to make me smile and he would keep bobbing in to see me as I had been moved to a more "observable bay". I don't think that it was really but ok.

I saw someone else from mhlt, not gonna lie I wish it had been Barry but oh well. She was alright but it was more matter of fact at first, not about what had it was happening but the coming days. I have to see HTT tomorrow. I have an appointment with them which does scare me because things went so badly before with them but N and Barry both wanted me to access it and so I agreed. I know that I will be seeing N and HTT on Monday most likely for a joint session. Fuck that's gonna be balls!!! I don't have any meds until Sunday probably because I've ran out of meds and they probably won't supply me with anything until Sunday or even next week. I want to see Maddie or Liz who I saw last time but I don't know if they still work there. I don't know why I particularly want to see them when shit went so badly once my care was in their hands. I am trying to be positive about it all. I know risks are increasing and at the first sign it isn't working I'm opting out because I cannot have a repeat of the summer.

I am so glad that they let me go home. Unfortunately I was not allowed to do that fully independently because the hospital paid for a taxi but they made sure I got home safe and it was free so.

I don't know how I would have coped with being in overnight. I did fear after the self harming at the hospital after overdosing and self harming that I was going to be sectioned or at least put on a 5(2). Thank fuck I bypassed that one. Had stitches and steri strips and patched up. Blood work normal. I'm not sure what the ECG results were. I'm just glad it's over.

...oh and I got a new diagnosis or anaemia which shocked me so much!

Like I said I have no cardiology knowledge so I don't know if that is abnormal or not

[nathank77]

8/20/24

1:00 p.m

Mike asked me if I'm experiencing any hypomanic symptoms. Of course I was offended cause like IM NOT MANIAC. He was like well you're taking 3000mg of white mulberries despite the LD50.

And I explained what's the difference between me taking 3000mg of white mulberries that are actually significantly improving my life and yes there is risk but at the same time, the short term benefits outweighs the risks.

The golden rule question of medicine is, do the benefits outweigh the risks? Like does taking Methimazole make sense to treat your thyroid versus not taking it, when Methimazole can actually kill you? There is a rare side effect it causing severe liver damage which is why I get my liver levels pulled every months. It can actually kill you if you're one of the unlucky few and your Dr doesn't do level as much as they should.

He asked if I was having racing thoughts and doing risky behaviors. No I'm not. The most Risky thing I've done is increase white mulberries. I don't spend money unless I essentially do a spread sheet and plan my monthly finances for a couple months to make sure I can afford it. I don't have sex with strangers. I don't idk, do drugs for fun.

Racing thoughts I mean they have actually decreased since taking xanax funny enough. Tbh I don't have racing thoughts at all. My thoughts are truly careful and slow and articulated.

I think he thinks that taking white mulberries at 3000mg is a risky behavior. But how is it any different than deciding to develop a movementdisorder from antipsychotics? Short term reward (less hallucinations) but long term life altering side effects...

The only difference is we don't know what will happen from long term use at this dose or any dose at that rate bc the research doesn't exist.

What do we know about white mulberries:

1) they help gum disease per a number of clinical research studies

2) they lower blood sugar per a number of clinical research studies

3) they lower cholesterol per a number of clinical research studies

4) they reduce hallucinations per a number of clinical research studies

5) they can be used as a treatment for Parkinson disease

6) in conjunction with antipsychotic caused tardive dsykinesia and other movement disorder they caused less symptoms of tardive dsykinesia.

I wish he didn't ask cause then he went into the LD50 and it's like, man I just want silence. 90% of the time I've been writing this it's been silent with an ear worm...

I may not live long but all I want is to hear the birds chirp and to sit in the woods and never hear the voice again.

I don't need anxiety about the white mulberries everything I read about antipsychotics are bad. I mean people on them for 3 or more years and they have all sorts of movement disorder and they STILL HEAR THE VOICE. HOW IS THE RISK WORTH THE BENEFIT?

I have a reduction in my hallucination. A significant reduction in it. Enough to say the risk is worth the benefit. Yet I'm suffering no ill effect from it.

I just didn't need the anxiety. I'm the furtherest thing from manic.

Last night when I was struggling to sleep my facial muscles twitched... prob metopolol leaving my body. Maybe the statin side effects still leaving.

Sure it could be white mulberries but now I have more anxiety. I didn't even tell him about the facial twitch cause I didn't need him making me more anxious about it.

Christ it could be from xanax!

Either way I heard a cricket chirping last night and it was the most beautiful sound I've heard in months. Pure silence. Just the chirps.

If I developed a movement disorder from white mulberries I'll kill myself. I don't think they cause it.

For all I know it could be xanax. For all I know it could be the statin. For all I know it could be a the metopolol leaving. It could also be ANXIETY!

I remember before I started taking white mulberries or anything, I would randomly have twitches sometimes facial twitches and I'd just be like it happens move on and not worry but I wasn't taking a mystery supplement at a high dose.

And now I'm anxious. Imma tell my doctor I take White mulberries.

I just was already anxious about my insomnia, my thyroid nodule and my heart. And now I keep thinking about that facial twitch and white mulberries and now I'm scared.

[d0ctormambo]

prison manifestation testimony:

so I was outside riding my bicycle while listening to some frequency(432hz) music/meditating, as I came to a realization that's pretty cool/kinda interesting. so I have a post pinned on here about manifesting myself out of prison, but ironically enough-- I manifested myself in there as well.

the way I was living 7 yrs ago/prior, was very toxic and out of alignment, and my soul was just urging!! for me to stop farting around and get my shit together. there's sooo much more to my story that I have not told yet. this isn't even half of it. I wore a back brace for scoliosis from ages 13-15 for 23hrs a day. the 1st drug I ever tried at 15 was pain killers. I became obsessed with the feeling they gave me. sucks when your DOC also helped the pain. (physically/emotionally) 16yrs old I heard the song oxycotton by lil wyte for the first time. didn't help my curiosity either, lol. I didn't even try weed until I was 17. by the time I was 18 I could take 2 80s of OC and barely feel it. I'm 5'0, very petite - my tolerance was wild for someone as tiny as me. finally got spine surgery at 25yrs old. the amount of pain killers I was prescribed after didn't last long. I was prescribed oxycontin, oxycodone, and dilaudid & 90 of each. + I had a doc 1yr before my surgery who gave me 180 at a time of whatever I wanted. he literally said what pill/mg do you want? the joy I felt when I heard those words....ugh. I was addicted to heroin from the ages 19-26.

my birthday is in September so about 3 weeks into being 27 I was still addicted. the 1st time I ever overdosed I was on a breathing machine and unconscious for 3 days. the last time was described in the pic above. I weighed 79lbs at the end of it. let's just say a more than a couple episodes of breaking bad I REALLY related to jesse(both of his drug choices) one point, the only veins I had left were in my neck. of course I used those too. sad. was always staying out all night at motels & trap houses (so many crazy stories, my god) but I still managed to go to work every day at my really fancy dentist office. (prob cause I never went to sleep/was out anyways & needed $ obv lol) but I was the concierge! my job was only to greet/talk to people & make them feel comfortable! (a lot of people have fears) so yea, super nice place. I harmed my body/mind/soul for 12+years with drugs (legal/illegal/hard illegal) & hurt my family in the process. was offered treatment & left rehab after a week- 1 of the many reasons as to why I was sent....

I was always using the dog filter & noticed the "ghost dog". back then, I didn't realize it was prob a dark spirit attached to me bc of all the drugs/negative energy. after I got sa'd by a stranger at 5 (at a sleepover) every time I'd say my night time prayers (now I lay me down to sleep..) I'd end it with I love you god/jesus. a voice that wasn't mine would always pop into my head after & say "no you don't". since I was so little, I was scared to tell my parents. & sadly I started to believe it. that voice didn't go away until 27yrs old & being in prison for 2mo. I have so many videos of everyone else trying the filter & not showing up. these pics are all from 2016. the next year is when things really started to crumble. (I don't think I'll post pics of me where it's obvious. I hid it good here)

july of 2017 I was sent to rehab for the 5x. august 2017 the burn incident happened & got arrested for the 7x (big charge) while already on 2 separate probations for 2 other big charges. september 2017 my judge let me get surgery before he sent me off in october of 2017. it was the last straw. this doesn't count another big charge I had years before either. I also had another drug charge from my late teens where I had to be on a strict call in/random drug test probation/program where I couldn't leave my house(work only) & had an early curfew. if I didn't answer my HOME phone when they called, even if I was home & missed it-- I'd be sent to county until the next court date a month later. shit was stressful.

spirit needed me to get this situation/phase/cycle of my life over with, so I could get out and start to heal myself and help others. animals included! (I have 4 rescue pit mixes/baby wolves: freya, raiden, charlie, & akasha) they're my angels & saved my life in so many ways. -> (click here to read how freya did) my sister and I adopted her the same year I got out, & the brothers a year later. akasha is my 2024 baby, who saved my life as well. not from drugs or a toxic lifestyle, but from situations/relationships that were no longer for me. maybe I'll tell that story one day...it's another powerful testimony proving how there really are no coincidences in our lives & formative reasons behind everything that happens to/for us.

now that I look back, almost every time I was out driving/in cars I'd immediately say/think "ugh I'm prob gonna get pulled over" and yea, of course I did. I was definitely attracting that energy towards me and didn't even realize it. back then I had no idea what affirmations were, or even understand how my mindset could ultimately contribute to my demise. I was super negative all the time, & always thought the worst would happen. I was the kind of person who constantly numbed my emotions bc I didn't want to feel pain. whether that be physical or emotional, it didn't matter. I didn't want to feel any feelings. keeping a negative out look on life was a regular thing for me.

even though I'm adopted from Romania (was the only 1 out of 6 kids to get adopted + abandoned at the hospital right after birth. I will never know what my blood family looks like or if they're even alive/didn't want contact) but I'm blessed. even though I got abused in multiple ways at a very young age. I had a LOT of unresolved traumas & unhealed wounds that were yet to be dealt with though. I was hanging around a lot of dark, evil-ish energy as well. people/places etc. I'd say "yea I prob have to go to prison" all the time, months before I even knew. (even joked about it sometimes) so yea.... look where I ended up. words are powerful & your subconscious mind doesn't understand jokes. law of attraction is real, and doesn't mess around.

2 months before I got sent, I was listening to magnolia remix by lil wayne constantly. one part goes "pulled over by the cops, them bitches found my glock. they threw me in the box, 8 months tops. starin at the clock, commissary stocked." that part of the song would always get stuck in my head and I'd repeat those lyrics over & over. it was seriously on my mind 24/7. since this was so relatable for me (not the glock part, everything else) I truly felt the words when I'd rap it. at this point in time, I had no idea I'd get sentenced 8mo though, guess I manifested it? I'm not saying that repeating lyrics got me sent, but it also didn't help me get out of living in the timeline where I actually was sentenced. I'm sure there's another reality out there that I'm living in where I didn't go & also another one that didn't get my 80/20. who knows how many parallel realities there are...but this is the one that played out. my commissary was also ALWAYS stocked, lol.

I served 6 months worth of karma for sure...♾ (sentenced 8, what a "coincidence") but everyday I would think/believe/feel and just know in my heart & soul that I'd get an early release and I did! I had to take steps by writing a letter explaining why I deserved an 80/20, (it didn't just magically fall into my lap) but I attracted that energy into my reality. technically.. it was always mine, I just had to realize that (but that's a post for another time)

I literally had nothing to do but sit around all day & think. wrote a lot too. conversing with the universe. opening my mind & started talking to God-- building a relationship that was previously non-existent. the highest power/source/spirit of all. I also started reading the bible (even though I didn't understand it) & talking to Jesus as well. I realized his purpose/teachings were extremely important for us as a collective. they provide hope, wisdom, faith, discernment & guidance for all things necessary-regarding us now & for the future. in the beginning months before I was transferred down by Houston, my mind was obv not in the best place. I was chained & shackled next to a girl who murdered her mom the whole ride there.

about 7ish hrs later when we arrived, we had to do the cough/squat thing & take a cold shower. they put all of us in this giant metal cage for hours trying to break us down. I'll never forget the guard saying "whatever yall have done to get in here we probably have done also or worse, we just didnt get caught. and it's all about who you know" I serioulsy wanted to yell, F YOU dude why would you say that?!" but realized that prob wouldn't be a good idea. they also told me they were gonna deport me back to romania the first 2wks I was in the holding cells bc I didn't have my birth certificate & wasn't born in america. at this point, I didn't have commissary or phone calls yet (only when you got transferred to your 'pod' where you'll live out your sentence you get those luxuries) I was a crying mess, & had no idea how I was gonna tell my parents. PTSD was born.

I had to consciously choose to stay positive and trust for the best. not hope. luckily, my visualization skills are intense! I'd imagine getting that special phone call from my mom telling me that she received good news about the 80/20 from my lawyer, & how good I'll FEEL when it happens. I'd lay in my bunk and fully immerse myself in those happy, excited, emotions that would arise when I heard the news. I imagined the scenario and how I wanted it to go down, then mentally/emotionally/visually took myself there every night before I went to sleep for 4 months straight. I fully surrendered to the universe, knowing that it's already mine. I'm sure you can imagine my excitement when it finally became the reality!

I'm just still blown away til this day bc I didn't even know what manifesting was. it honestly just proves how powerful your mind really is, and when you have 100% full faith, trust, & belief in yourself, god/spirit/universe/the divine + your desired outcome, it will materialize when the timing is right. 'divine timing'. I'd hear people in my pod talking about "manifest your 80/20", but didn't fully understand until after I got out, and was able to use the internet again (lol) then realized & was like holy shit! especially since I was the 1st person from my county to EVER receive an early release from a judge who's been there 30+ years. like seriously...what are the odds!? but everything happens for a reason and there are no coincidences.

I manifested myself out of the one place you literally can't get out of or escape from. being sober & no longer numb, I was able to truly feel so many exciting/inspiring emotions that I hadn't felt in years. getting sent there was the biggest eye👁opener for me. unfortunately, it took an extreme measure like that (the 8 overdoses didn't, sadly, or the unrelated 4 suicide attempts-at 19 I drove into a tree going 60 & walked out fine) but it also opened my eyes up to another side of myself. one that definitely didn't want to go back...but I actually wanted to heal myself, and start my quest to becoming a better person in general.

I'm alive for a reason, & 100% proof people can change if they really want to. a positive mindset is detrimental for future success. I'm extremely blessed to be here & thank god every day. I hope my story can help others who may be struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

that's the only reason why I'm even sharing all of this. to let others know, no matter what you've been through in life, even the darkest of the dark - you can overcome anything if you believe in yourself. life is all about choices & can either be a victim to your past & be mad at the world & let your heart grow cold, or you can turn your pain into power & make sure you try to live as happy/positive as possible & open your heart up with gratitude & love by healing.

if I wouldn't of gotten sent there I would of never woken up, then in turn I couldn't of helped others on their journeys as well....

funny how life works out.

[themikewheelers]

OKAY I've finally figured out what I want and it's Mike being on the brink of telling El he loves her but stopping himself at the "I" because he would feel terrible if El didn't feel that way back but felt obligated to say something back to him. So he tells her never mind but El can't stop thinking about it afterwards bc what if he was trying to say /those words/ to her? El wouldn't be surprised to hear them bc 1/

(Continued) Bc everything from his eyes when they're close enough to kiss to the way he wraps his arms around her has told her that he loves her unconditionally but when she's going to sleep that night she sits bolt upright with the awful realization that he might not be able to see that same love she has for him and might not know at all that she's been in love with him for over a year. So the next day when she sees him she grabs his hands and tells him as clearly and articulately as she possibly can with all the reasons why and Mike is so relieved to know that he hasn't been alone in his feelings that when he tries to say it back he ends up talking FOREVER in this messy list of reasonings until he has to laugh at himself for it AND THEN THEY'RE JUST LAUGHING AND KISSING AND EVERYTHING IS PERFECT. That's what should happen.----------Yes omg like El absolutely knows that Mike loves her and she doesn't NEED him to actually say it for her to know (though the thought of him saying it gives her a giddy feeling and makes her melt into a pile of goo), but then I could def see her getting freaked out wondering if it's the same for Mike and if he can tell that she loves him without her saying it. El knows that she's not the best at communicating feelings so she'd prob get so freaked out if she thought there was a chance Mike didn't know she loves him. So then he goes to say it but backs out last second and she's like..... wait.... and then the next time they see each other she immediately kisses him and waits for the best opportunity and then quietly says the words and Mike's eyes WIDEN cause he can't believe El just said that and he's always known she cares about him and likes him but he can't believe that she LOVES him?? And then it just continues with the two of them going on about how much they love each other and coming clean with their feelings and wow I'm crying

[nathank77]

5/30/24

1:40 a.m

I should notate last night I did have three weird sleeping experiences. I felt Tingly... idk why....def gave me microsleep flashbacks. But not super bad. Imma stop writing about that now... I notated it on my sleep tracker.

I called this a tactile but it's a little different. I have all sorts of mental images when I close my eyes but what I watch on TV kinda influences it. If I watch a lot of TV with actual people in it I get images of myself in first person with my hand reached out or something. Def psychosis trying to fuck with me and ruin my tv watching experience. It wants me to dissociate...If I watch cartoons like American dad, I get a lot of cartoon images.

Anyways I saw my hand and I like flexed my fingers inward sorta like a fist but not actually a fist. And my hand actually did that...... those are some of the, "tactile/mental pictures" I refer to a lot. Sometimes I actually feel the paper in-between my fingers.... but- this time I didn't feel anything but there is an interaction between my body and my mental images and I don't like it.

Also my leg was Tingly (all of me was Tingly) and I bent my leg reflexively..... I forgot about that one.. no mental picture... yesterday I went back to no Melatonin, and back to a half mg of Xanax. I do think it's real xanax. I do not know why these things happened.

I do know I had a lot of these mental picture/tactile/body reaction things before I got on Xanax. This is the first time it's happened since the potential fake bottle of xanax... so yea I'm worried about that.

Idk why my body would feel Tingly... I eventually got to face my fear and look it up. It was a little too much for it to be a tactile... don't get me wrong they can be powerful but they lost a lot of their power overtime.

They used to make my brain feel like mush. Give me headaches and symptoms of medical conditions I looked up. Don't get me wrong it can give me symptoms of medical conditions still but- not all of them like it used to.

I'm worried about the Tingly thing but- it was one night.

I'm worried about how my leg reflexively bent and all of me feeling Tingly. But Let's see how tonight goes...

Beyond that still haven't gotten my testosterone I'm worried about it. I set up my new hair clippers I got to shave my head and face soon like today or tomorrow.

I also set up my sleeping pill to get me to Monday cause it's stressful and I'm trying to do the count less.... it added up correctly.

I might call circle care and set up an appt but I'd really rather not. I just hope she's sick and she approves it tomorrow and then I have no hiccups with the Xanax... cause I'd be panicking a lot more. She's the only one who would give me Xanax without seeing my doctor in Norwalk. He would prob piggyback off of her tbh. Worse case if she were to stop. Prob....

I'm only worried cause usually she's prompt.