#pretending to be allergic to intimacy or whatever

[cerealmonster15]

i only ever make the same one joke Forever, but,,,

[izzyspussy]

"And this is Crowley," Aziraphale finishes his introduction,¹ "my..." He trails off. He turns to look at Crowley, as if he might be labeled somewhere, and Crowley looks back at him too.

"Hm," Crowley hums in thought, but no end to the angel's sentence comes to mind for him either. The most accurate thing would probably just be for Aziraphale to call Crowley his with no modifier. Baring that Crowley would be happy to be called his friend, or his best friend if the angel is feeling a little sweet on him-

"Husband," Aziraphale finishes decisively.

Crowley's brain does something a little bit like what the Bentley might do trying to run without petrol if it were a normal car. When his mental engine finally manages to turn over, the conversation has moved on. Dierdre is telling Aziraphale all about Adam's early years² while he coos like a contented dove.

"Whgk," says Crowley. Gratifyingly, Aziraphale berefts Dierdre of his regard immediately. Her sentence is more cut off by his sudden and complete dismissal than it is by Crowley's negligible noise. "Hus-Husband?"

"Well," Aziraphale says carefully. He folds his hands in front of himself, his shoulders straight. He's about to present a very reasonable argument. "We did sort of agree to share the rest of our lives, didn't we? And, really, when it comes down to it, we've been splitting our responsibilities and assets evenly for quite some time. And-and we've shared, er, exclusive intimacy..."

He wrings his fingers a little, but whatever he sees on Crowley's face (Crowley cannot even begin to imagine) must keep him from getting too nervous. His eyes are aglow with- Well, with You Know What, alleged opposite of spooky, when he smiles dopily at Crowley. The look, as it always does, makes Crowley feel like he's actually melting.

"Yes?" Aziraphale asks, redundantly.

"Yes," Crowley manages, glad that his ever present sunglasses are already covering his eyes anyway and he doesn't have to blink rapidly and pretend to be allergic to pollen or something. Aziraphale's smile turns positively radiant.³ He grasps Crowley's elbow briefly before he turns back to Dierdre.

"As you were saying, dear," he prompts, and patiently waits for her to comprehend the swiveling conversation.

Crowley helplessly luxuriates in the effervescence of Aziraphale's love for a time. The only reason he doesn't start floating is because as a demon he is naturally pulled downward with a greater force than merely the effect of gravity on his mass. The only reason he doesn't have little pink hearts spinning around his head is because that would be too embarrassing a display for the innocent bystanders, and Adam ensures they are all spared.

Eventually, Crowley comes back to Earth. And he wants his- his husband's attention, immediately.

"Quite a major faux pas you've done there, angel," he accuses lightly, interrupting Dierdre again.⁴

"No!" Aziraphale gasps, straightening sharply from where he'd been looking at a picture of Adam covered head to toe in peanutbutter on Dierdre's phone, instantly defensive. "What?"

Crowley holds up his hands, wriggles his fingers cheekily.

"No ring?" he teases, grinning, too happy to even fake a pout.

"Oh, you greedy devil, you," Aziraphale tuts. The way he says it, it rather sounds more like 'my poor sweet baby'. He shuffles into Crowley's intimate space, leaving Dierdre's side. Crowley selfishly can't sympathize with her loss, when it leads directly to his personal gain.

Aziraphale takes Crowley's left hand in his, sliding their fingers together so that their terribly mismatched manicures can provide a striking visual contrast.⁵ Then he takes the golden angel wings off of his pinky and slides it onto Crowley's marriage finger.

A jolt of adrenaline shoots through Crowley, softened into a mere static shock by the warm, fluffy Aziraphale-ness that the ring brings shining down on him. How the Grace doesn't hurt him Crowley doesn't know, and for once in his existence he can't bring himself to question it.

"Angel," he gasps. "Isn't that your-?" He cuts himself off before he finishes. Wouldn't do to out Aziraphale as having a halo to the Youngs when they've only just met and are trying to convince them that they're acceptable influences for Adam.

"Ah," Aziraphale brushes him off, physically waving his words away with his now bare hand. "The things are mostly cosmetic anyway. And I'm hardly using it for its intended purpose, am I. It'd be wasteful not to reuse it!"

Crowley laughs. "Sure, angel," he says.

The demon chews on his lip for a moment, wanting to give Aziraphale something of his to wear that's equivalent. Of course the only thing is...

Crowley shuffles them a little way away from the Youngs⁶ and turns them in closer to each other so that the Out Of The Know humans can't see. He disguises his movement as just a scratch at his temple, and then smooths his own hand over Aziraphale's.

When he pulls back, there is a stylized black snake with a red belly tattooed around the angel's marriage finger. The side of Crowley's face feels naked without it.

"Oh, my love," Aziraphale breathes, staring down at his new companion, the belly-crawling animal that used to be Crowley's mark of divinity.

"S'at okay?" Crowley asks belatedly. Any other angel might be disgusted to have something like that on them. But not Aziraphale. He lifts his own hand to his mouth and gently kisses Crowley's mark. Crowley squirms.⁷

Things continue on generally as they have been, from there. Crowley is a demon with a halo, and Aziraphale is an angel with a lowly aspect. And they love each other, and it all seems, to them, very simple. At least now it is, anyway.

There is something they don't know, though.⁸

They say love is touching souls, that marriage joins them. This happens to be, in the parlance, nice and accurate.

Crowley has a little piece of Aziraphale's soul now, and Aziraphale a little piece of Crowley's. And Aziraphale's soul is immune to holy water, and Crowley's soul is immune to hellfire. This likely will never come up, and it isn't the point as far Crowley and Aziraphale are concerned.

But in case the reader had any lingering worries, there you have it. Rest at ease and dream of an angel and a demon who have a happily ever after, and Baby B's award winning tropical fish.

~The End~

1: All present regret, to some degree, allowing Aziraphale to handle these, as they have taken thrice as much time and five times as many words as they might have otherwise.

2: Adam is stoically suffering this indignity, believing it to be a just punishment for the mischief he intends to get his new friends into - as yet unbeknownst to either of them. (One of them will approve vociferously, while the other will make a very bad show at not feeling the same.)

3: It took several hundred years of gradually increasing exposure for Crowley to get properly used to this, in much the same way as some of humanity adapted to tan instead of burn in the sun.

4: Okay. She sees how it is.

5: Crowley's black gel polish painstakingly applied himself every week, although he does not have to cure them because he doesn't know you need to. And Aziraphale's subtle French tips, which keep themselves perfectly maintained with no outward input until such time as he decides he wants to have a spa day and surely they must need it.

6: Everyone likes this move. It's a sweet moment and all, but they'd like to get on with their own thing and that's quite difficult to do with a couple having a rather extended proposal right in the middle of your conversation.

7: It's not a squirm that a human-shaped being should be able to squirm. Any genuinely human beings who saw it will find, to their relief, that no, in fact, they did not.

8: There are a great many things, actually, that Crowley and Aziraphale don't know. Almost certainly more things than they do, one might conclude upon any significant observation of them.

[siren1song]

Let’s Go Out with a Bang

Summary: Patton’s got a bit of a double life, and people from both lives end up meeting each other. Well... this should be interesting.

Warnings: Mentions of drugs, mentions of alcohol, mentions of sex

Word Count: 1,360

Taglist: @acanvasofabillionsuns, @emo-disaster, @greenninjagal-blog, @jungle321jungle, @sleepy-sides, @gattonero17, @another-sandersidesblog, @strawberryjellystuff, @remusownsmyuwus, @logic-with-a-pinch-of-deceit, @gr3ml1n-loser, @main-chive, @kiribakuandcats, @firey-alex, @orca-iguana, @spooky-scary-virgil, @yalltookmyurlideas

Notes: I’ve been trying to work on this. For ages. And I’m so glad it’s done now. Feral Patton everyone.

Commissions!! | Buy Me a Kofi!! | Join Casper’s Crew!! | Ao3 Link!!

Patton sometimes felt like he led a double life. This was because he had two totally different friend groups, neither one aware of the other or how he acted with either group.

There was his friend Logan, Roman, and Emile. They were great people, and he loved hanging out with them, though he preferred to act more on the tamer side with them. He enjoyed watching cartoons, talking about Disney, and learning about new things scientists were discovering all the time.

It was a fun time! And sure, he may throw the innocent act on a little hard at times, but it was funny watching Roman and Emile stumble around themselves when a dirty joke was made and he pretended not to understand.

Then there were his other friends. Virgil, Janus, Remus, and Remy. All of them knew how he really acted, especially at night when they were partying at some college party or practically taking over a club with their enthusiastic feral energy.

Patton made dirty jokes, he’s had one night stands, he’s gotten absolutely wasted. Hell, he’s also tried some drugs at Remus’ request though those he wasn’t really in favor of.

He even swears like a sailor, and has slept with all four of those friends at some point or another, though it all remained strictly casual because Patton didn’t really do romance. Patton preferred platonic relationships and sexual intimacy over romantic intimacy and actions, and Remy was right along with him in that, providing the label aromantic when he wondered about it idly.

It was a nice label, and Patton wore it proudly in both groups. Which meant he probably should have expected them all eventually meeting each other during Pride.

“Patton?” Roman spoke up, drawing Patton’s attention from the knitting project he was working on.

There was no way he could have predicted seeing Janus over Roman’s shoulder, eyebrow raised at seeing Patton’s more subdued dad aesthetic compared to the feminine punk style he liked to sport when he spent time with him and the others.

“Hey kiddo, what’s up?” he asked, smiling as he leaned back in his chair and set his knitting in his lap.

This should be an interesting conversation.

“You know Janus? As in the yellow punk dude who’s been driving Logan insane in his philosophy classes?” Roman asked, stepping inside the room and giving Janus the opportunity to lean against the door frame.

Patton fought back a giggle because according to Janus, Logan has also been sleeping with him for two weeks.

“I’d say we’re pretty good friends, yeah!” was his response, Janus coughing to cover up a laugh that Roman caught.

Narrowing his eyes, Roman looked between the two of them before sighing.

“Is there something you’re not telling me, padre?”

Patton shrugged, shifting his project and yarn to the table by his chair and getting a bit more comfortable.

“There’s a lot I’m not telling both of you, I’m willing to answer questions though, if you have any.”

“Just like that?” Janus asked, squinting at Patton suspiciously.

Patton grinned in a way he usually only did around his feral group of friends, mischievous and sly.

“Of course not, what do you take me for, JayJay? I’m not boring.”

“Woah, what?” Roman interrupted, staring at Patton with wide eyes and prompting the giggles Patton had held back earlier.

“That’s what I thought,” Janus said, ignoring Roman’s confusion, “so what’s the price this time, Fae?”

“Fae?” Roman asked incredulously, getting a little more frantic in his search for answers.

Patton just hummed, tapping his chin in thought.

“You pay for a whole night of clubbing with me and Remus-”

“You know my brother?!”

“-and I’ll answer whatever you want,” Patton continued as if Roman had never interrupted.

Janus nodded, though he seemed to wince at the affect that would have on his wallet.

“Hello? Roman here is very confused and would like some answers!” Roman said, finally pulling Patton’s attention to him.

“Ah, sorry Ro! I’ll answer whatever you want after JayJay, okay?” he said, smiling apologetically.

Roman moved to plop on the couch, staring at Patton with wide eyes.

“I… sure. Okay, why not.”

Patton would reach over to pat his leg, if he wasn���t on the far end of the couch.

Janus cleared his throat, narrowing his eyes at Patton suspiciously.

“Why do I have to pay but Roman doesn’t?”

Patton raised an eyebrow, giving Janus a sweet smile they both could tell was fake.

“I dunno, why does Roman know your name when it took me two years to graduate from Dee to Jay and another to Janus?”

Janus flushed, glancing at Roman before looking away.

Ah, he likes him and Logan then.

“Never mind. What’s with the dad get up?” he asked, very quickly moving on and earning a snicker from Patton.

“I like it,” was Patton’s answer.

“Right, and the punk style I usually see you in?”

“I like it too.”

Janus nodded, looking Patton over for a second.

“Lack of swearing?”

“Swearing?” Roman whispered, distressed as he looked at Patton, who was struggling not to laugh.

“Don’t usually do it outside the group,” he answered, crossing his arms and leaning one elbow against the arm of his chair.

“…Give me one swear and I’ll be satisfied,” Janus said, looking at Roman.

And honestly, Patton couldn’t deny Janus the hilarity of seeing Roman witness Patton cuss for the first time, could he?

“Son of a bitch. Happy?”

Janus swallowed noticeably at Roman’s surprised squeak, clearly forcing back a laugh.

“Very, thank you.”

Patton rolled his eyes, and then looked at Roman apologetically.

“Okay Ro, shoot your questions, I promise I’ll answer.”

Roman just stared at him, mouth hanging open and eyes wide. Patton couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for him, honestly.

“How long? Have you been hanging out with my brother?” he asked, seeming to recover enough to be able to get his words in working order.

Patton hummed, biting his lip and looking up at the ceiling in thought.

“Uh… I think four years? Maybe five? I don’t exactly remember when I joined the group, just know Remus is the one who brought me into it.”

“Four and a half years,” Janus spoke up, earning a thankful grin from Patton before he looked back at Roman.

“There ya have it, four and a half years.”

Roman nodded, then looked at his lap.

“You go clubbing?”

“Every week! Usually Fridays and Saturdays since I don’t have work those days.”

“Right. The days you disappear and we all thought you were volunteering at an animal shelter or something,” Roman said, now pushing his fingers through his hair.

“He’s allergic animal dandruff?” Janus said, clearly confused as he looked at Roman.

“Well, just cats actually. I could probably volunteer at a dog shelter and be fine. Ooh, that sounds fun too, I should do that!”

Patton clapped his hands together in excitement at the idea, trying not to wiggle too much in his chair because his stims weren’t exactly something Janus had seen— at least the ones that weren’t him dancing anyway.

“Fae, focus,” Janus said, clearly amused by Patton’s excited side tracking.

“Right! Yeah, I go clubbing on those days. I also have a tattoo on my shoulder! And I have matching snake bites with Janus! We got them together, it was fun.”

Roman blinked, looking at Patton in confusion.

“I’ve never seen the holes?”

“Do you stare at my mouth often?” Patton teased, grinning widely at Roman’s responding blush.

“Don’t you also have a tongue piercing that you got with Remus?” Janus commented.

Before Patton could answer, Roman made a noise that drew the attention of both him and Janus.

“You were the friend he got that piercing with?”

“Roman, kiddo, I was the friend who did a lot of things with Remus, I don’t really think you want to know the extent of that.”

Patton couldn’t help but feel a mixture of amusement and pity at Roman’s noise of distress.

The conversation clearly wasn’t over yet, but considering how amusing it already was, Patton could not wait for the rest of it.

[tansypoisoning]

(Un)Conditional - Part 2

I Came Out to Have a Good Time and I’m Honestly Feeling So Attacked Right Now

You didn’t remember how or why you found yourself in Ransom’s bed in the first place, but now, poor, pregnant and desperate, you had your reasons for putting up with him, and they weren’t noble. His reasons for staying with you weren’t noble either.

Hey, long time no see... This took me longer than it should because I wasn’t sure about the dialogue. Still not sure about it. Some of you might have missed the polls I posted so you could help me decide the future of this series, so here they go: Whether or not I should redeem Ransom and What gender the baby (or babies, damn) should be. Democracy is important :)

Anyway: Reader meets the Thrombeys...

Story warnings:  Smut, abusive relationships, mentions of past sexual assault, talk of abortion, daddy kink, drinking, mention of drug use (Will add more as the story goes on)

Chapter 1 - Truce

Chapter 3 

Fandoms: Knives Out

Ships: Ransom Drysdale x Reader

Word Count: 6k

Chapter warnings: The reader and Ransom joke about incest and Ransom jokes about selling the baby to pay his grandfather back for all the money he lend him; people drink wine; there’s mention of drugs and people doing them; The Thrombeys are being particularly shitty.

You were off to the clinic to get an urine exam the next day. Ransom had encouraged you to get a more reliable test to make sure you were pregnant, but he wouldn’t accompany you. He was busy, he said, but he didn’t say with what. Probably begging his granddaddy for more money or chasing after another pair of legs.

The clinic would call you in a couple of days to let you know the results. The wait was killing you. The longer you waited, the harder it would be for you to get an abortion. At some point the pill would stop being an option, and you would have to go under the… knife? Scalpel? Coat hanger? Whatever the procedure entailed, it was bound to be more stressful than just taking some meds.

What was most concerning, though, was the possibility of you becoming attached to the fetus. Your misgivings originated from a fear that you might be doing something you shouldn’t, but you had no particular regard for the thing growing inside you. You might as well be carrying a rock – it certainly tired you like one. Some day that could change, though, and the moment it did you knew it would be game over.

The first thing you did when you got home was take off your coat, kick off your shoes and fall face-first on the couch. That was also the only thing you did. According to the sources you checked, fatigue was an early pregnancy symptom, but you weren’t sure it was meant to be this bad. Good thing you weren’t behind on your freelance work; you didn’t think you could handle doing anything that evening. You were hungry, but didn’t have the energy to even go to the kitchen. Your cellphone started ringing at some point, but you had dropped your bag by the entrance. Maybe something else happened too; you didn’t know, you fell asleep soon after.

You were roused from your nap by a cacophony of car honks right outside your window.

You jumped from the couch and stumbled to see what the commotion was about. You expected to find a car crash in front of your building, but all that was there was a familiar vehicle.

You stepped into your slippers and left your apartment. Ransom was still abusing the horn of his BMW when you came out onto the lawn.

“What are you doing?” You cried out, jogging to his car.

He put his head out through the window. “You don’t pick up your phone anymore?” He complained.

“I was sleeping.” The reason why you didn’t answer didn’t matter. This was a distraction. “Why are you here?”

“I came to pick you up, what else?” He seemed to notice you confusion and explained himself “I’m going to introduce you to my family. They’re having a dinner party tonight at my grandfather’s house. If I show up there with a kid before they even know the mother, my mother’s gonna kill me.”

That gave you pause. Introduce you to his family? That had never been in the cards before. Ransom had always been against anything that could hint to intimacy that went beyond sex, because intimacy entailed responsibility, and he was allergic to that. Your relationship was more of an arrangement, one in which he was the one with the most to gain.

Perhaps this would be your chance to really get something for yourself, something other than the occasional orgasm. Although Ransom’s charms and your proclivities were the biggest reason behind the start of your odd relationship, you’d be lying if you said his grandfather’s accomplishments didn’t affect your interest in him. Having been an avid reader of Harlan’s books back in high school (when you still had time and motivation to read) and now working as an assistant editor in the mystery fiction imprint of a large publishing company, you had hoped that maybe being involved with Ransom would give you the chance to meet him.

Even when it became clear Ransom didn’t like you like that, you still stuck around. He was inflexible when it came to your relationship’s dynamics, but you still had a sliver of hope that one day you’d get to meet his family. In the end you were right, and all you had to do to get your wish was let your idol’s grandson raw you after a couple of beers.

“I’m not even sure if I’m pregnant yet.”

“After five tests? Come on.”

“Well, I don’t know if I’m gonna keep it.”

“If you don’t, you don’t. Just let me introduce you before you decide. It’ll be awkward otherwise.”

You couldn’t argue with his logic. Ransom’s family wasn’t likely to think well of you if he introduced you as “the chick I knocked up by accident”. Your family wouldn’t be happy about it either, and yet you had to find a way to convince him to meet them at some point. You knew they weren’t going to like him, but it was better than trying to pretend it was a case of Immaculate Conception. They wouldn't fall for it anyway.

“Go get ready so we can go.” He said.

You nodded and ran back inside. He looked like he was in a rush, so all you felt comfortable doing was retouching your make up and putting on a different pair of pants. When you came back down, Ransom was pouting at his wheel.

“About time,” he said “I thought you weren’t coming.”

“I took like five minutes.”

“Eight.” He tapped the watch in his wrist.

You decided humoring him wasn’t worth it, so you got into the passenger seat without a word. Ransom took off, his tires squealing as he did a u-turn on your sidewalk. He always drove like a madman, most of all when he was in a hurry.

“How long ‘til we get there?” You asked.

“I can make it in half an hour.”

“I mean safely.”

“In that case, thirty minutes.”

Shame on you, forgetting Ransom was convinced he was immortal.

“Is there anything I have to know about your family before I get there?” You asked, trying to take your mind off the traffic lights flashing by at an alarming speed.

“I could never do them justice,” he snickered.

“At least give me something to work with.”

“You are going to have talk to my parents at least,” he mused “Just nod and agree with whatever my father says. You gotta be smarter with my mother, but avoid challenging her. Joni and Meg are annoying, Walt’s creepy, and there’s no point in talking to Donna and Jacob; they’re gonna hate you no matter what.”

“And Harlan?”

The question put a grimace on his face.

“Be honest. He’s gonna like you.” There was a minute pause before he added “We just celebrated his eighty-fifth birthday, so if you can bring up how good he looks for his age without being obnoxious, he’s gonna love it.”

“Eighty-five? When was that?” You liked Harlan’s work, but you didn’t like it enough to bother learning his birth year. You expected him to be younger, what with all the books he was still pumping out on a yearly basis.

“Last week.”

“Your family is big on get-togethers, then?”

He grimaced. “Unfortunately.”

“Familiarity breeds contempt,” you offered. You weren’t sure you’d get along with your parents as well as you did if they didn’t live in another state.

“Sucking does too.”

“But I thought you liked people who suck?”

That was a twelve year old boy joke, but it got you a chuckle.

“Already know what I’ll be trying today: Hey, Joni, blow me.”

“That’s your aunt right?” You asked and received a nod in response “I can’t wait to see you asking her for a blow job.” You didn’t really think he would go that far, so you weren’t worried you were goading him on. If he did it anyway, it would be because he decided the amusement he would get from pissing his aunt off would be worth whatever she could do to get back at him.

“Fuck, I’d accept one from my grandfather at this point.” You two had had sex just yesterday, but that was fine, you supposed.

“I think I’m going to regret this, but since we’re already in too deep and none of us knows when to stop, where are your parents in the Joni-Harlan blowjob scale?” This question might’ve offended anyone else, but Ransom was made of sterner, more horrible stuff.

He replied without missing a beat. “Oh, my dad wins easy. I don’t fancy getting bit.”

The throwaway line about his mother killing him if he just announced your pregnancy out of the blue came to mind. You wondered if she was as terrible as he made her out to be. You wondered if any of his relatives were as horrible as he made teem out to be.

“Hard to think you’d be scared of anyone in your family with all the money they lend you and you never pay back.”

He snorted. “I’m not scared of any of them. Wouldn’t be going if I were. I already owe Harlan more ‘one-pounds of flesh’ than I weigh.”

“Good thing he doesn’t charge interest.”

“Who says he doesn’t?” His eyes flicked to you for a moment, comically wide “What do you think I want the baby for?”

“You- you want the baby?” You knew he meant to jest about selling your child, and perhaps the bit about wanting it was said in the spirit of the joke, but you couldn’t help but hope it was a Freudian slip. Why did you hope that?

His Adam’s Apple bobbed as he considered your question for a few seconds. “I said I would help you with it.”

“No, you said that at first, but now you said you want it. I didn’t even ask for help, I just thought I should tell you. Why did you offer to help in the first place?”

He shrugged. Something about the gesture felt off, less cocksure than his usual self. “Because it felt right.”

“But do you want to do it? Do you even know what raising a child means?”

“Do you?”

No, you didn’t. You might have even less knowledge of the subject than Ransom, weird as that seemed. You hadn’t said you wanted to have the baby, though. You weren’t sure what you wanted.

“Do you want me to drop you off at a clinic? Because we can end this now.” Something about the way he’d said it made it seem as if he was talking about more than just the pregnancy.

“That’s not what I meant.” You whispered.

Edifices were replaced by trees as Ransom drove on. It was easy to focus on the changing view, now that he wasn’t talking to you anymore. You had broken one of his unspoken rules: never get emotional around him. You knew he wasn’t in it for something as trivial as feelings, but now with the pregnancy thing you thought… Well, you weren’t sure what you thought.

The rest of the trip went by in silence, seeming to take forever in spite of the scenery flying by. By the time you arrived at your destination you were disheartened – lucky you that the house Ransom parked in front of was the stuff murder mystery fiction dreams were made of.

Harlan’s mansion had been plucked from one of his books, it had to have been. With its red bricks and the Gothic Revival style, it looked like it’d been taken straight out of “Around the Corner and Down the Lane”. It was a magnificent, giant, mysterious house you could easily imagine multiple murders happening inside.

It was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen.

Ransom left the car, slamming the door shut on his way out. You had to hurry after him to get to the porch as he was knocking on the door.

You didn’t have to wait long to hear sounds coming from the other side. There were footsteps against a wooden floor and the shuffling of keys, and then time seemed to slow down. When you woke up that morning, you’d never have thought you would end up meeting Ransom’s family by the end of the day. Were they anything like him? What would they think of you? And what would they think about the thing? You weren’t going to talk about it today, but still…

The door opened, revealing a slim woman with an old fashioned bob-cut. She looked confused when she saw Ransom, and even more when she spotted you. She opened her mouth, but didn’t get the chance to say anything.

“Hey, Frannie,” Ransom greeted. If you didn’t know him better, you’d assume he was being friendly. “Take this for me, would you?”

He removed his coat with the speed you’d come to expect from him when it came to taking off his clothes and shoved the mass of fabric into her arms. He walked inside, brushing past her, ignoring the outraged look on her face. You followed after, and her expression was no kinder towards you. It wasn’t the first time someone got mad at you for something Ransom did, but what were you to do? It wasn’t as if you could control him.

As Ransom walked through an arch on the left and the woman scurried through a door to the right, you stood on the spot right in front of the entrance. The gargoyles sculpted in the wood of the stair railing paralyzed you, the lights from the ornate chandelier blinded you, and the memories of books read long ago, hiding under the blankets with a flashlight when you were supposed to be sleeping came rushing back to you. This was much more than you had been expecting.

The inside of the house was dark and sinister like the outside, but there was a sense of warmth you hadn’t anticipated. The soft lights, the lavish rugs, and the numerous trinkets scattered about gave it a lived in feeling. The decoration somehow split the difference between “home” and “haunted house” right down the middle.

Why was it that Ransom didn’t like visiting his grandfather again?

“What are you standing around for?”

Speak of the devil…

Your forced your feet to move and followed him deeper into the house. Something inside you screamed at you to just ditch Ransom and this stupid dinner party to explore by yourself, because you got the feeling he would end up dragging you to a place that looked much more boring. You needn’t have worried – the living room was adorned in much the same way as the hall, cluttered and discordant and fascinating. Every piece of decor seemed to selected based on its own merits rather than any common theme or style, but it somehow all worked together.

You had started making your way to a windowsill, from where a model of a carousel with fish instead of horses called to you, when a voice stopped you in your tracks – a voice you had never heard before.

“Who’s that?”

You whirled around to see a man standing just a few feet away from Ransom. The age was about right, and with the two standing so close together, it was hard to deny the similarities between them.

“That’s my date,” Ransom said with a shrug.

“Date? You brought a date?”

“Nice, Richard. We don’t want to make her feel too welcome.”

At that, the older man looked back at you with a grin that would be charming if not for the utter shock reflected in his eyes.

“Hey, there,” he greeted, extending a hand “Richard Drysdale, father of this,” he glanced behind himself to look at Ransom, who was busy messing with a figurine in the mantelpiece “rascal.”

You offered your hand to him (his handshake was strong, professional) and introduced yourself.

“I gotta say, this is really something else,” Richard said “Ransom hasn’t brought any girls home since high school.”

“I bring girls home all the time, I just don’t live with you anymore.”

The meaning of his words didn’t go unnoticed. You already knew he fucked other women on the side – or rather, there was no “side”; you guys weren’t a thing, and it wasn’t as if you only put out for him – but Richard understood him as well.

“Is that the kind of thing you say in front of your date? I thought we taught you better than this.”

“No, Richard. We really didn’t.”

You looked to the source of the voice, and spotted the woman who had to be Ransom’s other progenitor.

“Linda,” she extended her hand to you, but not a smile. Her handshake was even stronger than her husband’s.

Richard joined his son by the fireplace to fiddle with a pewter box, looking downright chastised. Ransom, for his part, seemed to be fighting the urge to laugh.

He had said his family was a mess, and that he found it all terribly fun. Up until now, you weren’t really sure you believed him.

“Whatever this” Linda pointed from her son to you, then back to him again “is about, I hope it ends soon, for your sake.” The last bit, she’d said while looking at you, then she left through a different archway than she’d entered from.

It seemed Ransom had inherited the charm from his father, but the ability to put the fear of God in those who crossed him came from his mother.

“Who else is here?” Ransom asked once Linda was out of earshot.

“Mostly everyone is in the library,” Richard replied, pinching the bridge of his nose, all the former friendliness leaving him like a deflating balloon “your grandfather locked himself in his office with the nurse, and who knows where they put Wanetta. Meg’s not coming.”

“What excuse did Joni come up with?”

“Schoolwork. Essays, whatever. I mean, it’s a Friday, it could wait.”

“She’s going to spend at least half of the evening doing drugs with a friend, easy.”

“Dope.”

Ransom snorted “Like she’s shooting up.”

Richard fixed his son with a disbelieving look. “No. Dope is weed. Dope was weed just yesterday.”

“It used to be.” Upon seeing the defeated expression on his father’s face, Ransom shrugged “World’s passing you by, man.”

That didn’t help. Richard looked back to the pewter box, turning it on his fingers like he was trying to find the best angle to see his reflection. Ransom stared at him for a second longer, then stepped away from the fireplace and exited through the same way his mother had.

He didn’t call you, so you assumed you weren’t needed at the moment, but then, what were you going to do with yourself – watch a man have an existential crisis?

You didn’t have to wait long to find out. You had been standing there, watching Richard sigh to himself for maybe a minute when three other people entered the room. The first was the woman who had opened the door for you; the second, a younger woman, with something almost doe-like about her, and the third…

Well, Harlan Thrombey didn’t need introductions – at least, not to you.

He was the first to speak, looking at the woman Ransom had called Frannie. “Seems like you aren’t going mad, Fran. Unless we all are, which is possible. Can you see her too?” And at that he turned to the other woman, who smiled at him. It was hard to tell whether her smile was fond or embarrassed.

Then, his eyes landed on you.

“Since you’re just standing around with this idiot,” He said. Richard gave a tight smile and tapped his fingers against the mantelpiece “I’m going to guess idiot number two left you to fend for yourself?”

This wasn’t the kind of welcome you’d expect when meeting your not-boyfriend’s family, but Ransom was eccentric, so maybe his relatives were as well. Maybe it was a rich people thing.

“I’m used to it, when it comes to Ransom” you offered.

Harlan grinned at you, but then again, he had been smiling since he entered the room. There was something very Ransom-like about both expressions.

He ambled to you, extending a hand which you rushed to grasp. His smile grew, but maybe that wasn’t good.

“I’m Harlan, the proprietor of this” he gestured to the room with both hands “little menagerie of horrors. And these,” he turned to the women “are Fran, my housekeeper, the only one who can keep this mess in order,” the woman who’d opened the door smiled and raised her hand in greeting, but she still seemed suspicious of you “and Marta, my caretaker. Heaven sent, I would already be dead if not for her.”

Marta had smiled at you as she was introduced, but frowned at the last comment.

“Don’t say that,” she admonished “you’re strong like a horse, you’re going to live for a million years, I’m sure.”

Harlan whimpered theatrically and extended a hand as if trying to grasp at something.

“Marta, is that you? It’s so dark, I can’t see. Oh, is that a light at the end of the tunnel?”

“Really? You’re impossible.” Marta huffed, and Harlan laughed.

They seemed close. Close enough that they’d forgotten all about you in their banter.

Once he was done with his joke Harlan turned back to you.

“I promise you I don’t get any more charming, but you get used to it with time.”

Time. Did he think you’d get to be around long enough to get used to anything there?

“Let’s... get this party started,” he said with a wink “I don’t ask you your name because I’m dying to see how my grandson will introduce you, and I don’t want to get attached.”

That answered that question.

You followed the party of three into another living room(parlor?), then another(fainting room? How many rooms for sitting could one person need?), then finally to what you presumed was the library (that could easily double as a living room), given the floor to ceiling bookcases in every wall that wasn’t occupied by a window. The room was large, large than any room in a house needed or had a right to be, and there were so many books on so many shelves there was no way Harlan would’ve been able to read them all, even accounting for his age.

Despite the exorbitance, the place was cozy and interesting, not at all a monochromatic art installation behemoth the likes of the Kardashian-West mansion (Which you didn’t care about in the slightest… one of your coworkers had shown you the pictures, it was all), the sort of thing you expected from people with too much money and no sense of comfort. The library was furbished with plush seats, nooks where one could hide in to read in peace, even a mezzanine, and– was that a sculpture inspired by “A Thousand Knives”?! Excessive, very excessive, and somehow also really cool. You were sure you could spend hours perusing books and examining baubles, but there were other people already in the room, and you had been raised too well to just ignore them when it was obvious you had already seen them.

Linda leaned against an open window, balancing an unlit cigarette between two fingers, and looking out, as if debating whether or not to have a smoke and whether or not doing so inside. There were a man and a woman on a pair of matching high-backed chairs, looking nervous and annoyed respectively as another woman talked at them, and a teenager speaking to Ransom in between typing things on his phone. He was the first to notice you’d entered the room and he directed a brief glare to you before his eyes landed on Marta.

“Well, no need to stand up or anything,” Harlan spoke from behind you, waving his hand as he passed.

“Dad, plea-” the sitting man began, but he stopped once he saw you. After a moment of confused staring by both parties, he looked back to Harlan “Is that-”

“Don’t know; she came with your nephew.”

All eyes were now on Ransom. He was enjoying the attention, if the stupid smug grin on his face was any indication.

“I brought a date. I figured I had to be the first to do it, since Meg thinks all sex is rape and Jacob’s an incel,” that earned him an elbow in the gut, which he barely reacted to.

“A date? Boohoo,” Harlan spoke, and you almost winced “I expected something more exciting from you.”

“Would you rather she was a notorious diamond thief and I brought her here to steal every red penny you own, old man?”

“That would be more on brand.”

“That’s it,” Marta said, placing her hands on his shoulders and directing him to an armchair in front of the knife sculpture “I’m putting you to bed earlier, abuelo.”

“Not without me throwing a tantrum, you’re not.”

Ransom’s uncle looked back and forth from his father, then to you, then to his nephew, before settling on you and standing up. He picked up a cane that was resting beside the armchair and wobbled toward you, smiling.

“Hello. I’m Walt, it’s a pleasure to meet you…”

You gave him your name, exchanged proper greetings, shook hands; his fingers were trembling slightly, but the length of the hand shake was very appropriate.

“I hope you like it here so far. Any friend of Ransom’s is welcome here.”

“You say that because you never met any of my friends.”

“You know what Ransom,” Walt turned gave him a sarcastic smile “I’m surprised you have any friends at all. You sure you not paying her to be here?”

You didn’t know exactly what it was that Walt had said, but something had set Ransom off.

“Why, you want a round with her? Don’t think you could afford it right now, pal.”

Walt’s lips were still pulled up into a smile, but his pupils were darting from side to side like he was searching for escape routes. That was fair, so were you.

“Don’t speak to my husband that way,” the woman who hadn’t said a single word to or even acknowledged your presence so far, gripped the seat’s armrest as she seethed at Ransom “it’s not his fault that-”

At that she fell silent and turned to Harlan, who was looking at everything with mild interest.

“Actually, you don’t have a job either, do you Donna?” Ransom continued. You knew that look; he was getting steam and you didn’t want to know what would come next.

“I think we’re all just a little stressed with everything that’s been going on,” the woman who had been silent so far – Ransom’s other aunt, you presumed, the one he wanted to suck his dick – mercifully cut in before he could get anything else out “I think we need to roll things back, maybe start over? I can go back to the car and get my crystals so we can do a-”

As if on cue, Fran entered again, a tray with a wine bottle and glasses in hand. She left everything on a coffee table, then walked by Marta, whispering something that convinced the younger woman to move to a more secluded corner of the room with her.

Donna perked up when the drink touched the table, and, smiling the well practiced smile of a hostess who did her duty with no joy, she started pouring drinks and handing them around. When one of the glasses was placed in your hands, you weren’t sure what to do. You rolled the stem in your fingers, pondering as the other adults drank and Jacob sulked.

“So,” Joni began, giving you an easy grin “you and Ransom have known each other for…”

As she trailed off, Linda chuckled, but she wasn’t looking at you.

“Eight months, give or take.” You answered.

The answer seemed to surprise her “Eight months? And how long have you been dating?”

“Oh, I’m not...” you turned to Ransom for help, but he was looking at his nails as if they were the most fascinating thing in the World or as if he really didn’t want to take part in this conversation “I’m not sure. We haven’t exactly made things official.”

It looked like she was fighting to keep her smile in place “And you met-”

“What do you do?” Linda interrupted, still looking out the window “Do you actually have a job or are you just expecting to scam someone here?”

You turned to Ransom; he had placed a hand over his heart and was looking at his mother as if he found her comment deeply offensive.

You hadn’t thought about what you would say if Ransom’s family decided to grill you, deciding it would be best not to overthink things as he’d suggested. A question about your job was expected – it was just harder to process it when it had been asked in such a manner.

“No, I- I’m an assistant editor at Little, Brown and Company.”

There was a splashing sound, and you looked just in time to see Walt trying to rub off a stain from his sweater with one hand, while holding his wine glass with trembling fingers. When he noticed you looking at him, he offered a stiff smile.

That was the wrong answer, it seemed. It was the truth, of course, but the reactions around you were discouraging. Linda huffed, Harlan chuckled, Joni nodded mechanically, Donna seethed as she wiped at her husband’s clothes with a napkin, Walt trembled, Jacob’s scowl deepened, the sound coming from Fran and Marta’s corner of the room ceased, and Ransom’s grin was the widest you had ever seen on his face.

“Really?” Linda asked, now focused on her son “Where do you find those people?”

He laughed. “What? I’m very charming.”

“I need to use the restroom,” you squawked. You didn’t really need the restroom, just any place other than there.

“I’ll show you where it is,” Marta said, as quickly as you had. Her eyes told you everything: she was also dying to get out.

You handed your drink over to Ransom and followed Marta out of the room, the two of you almost running down the hallway.

She led you to a lavatory, where you turned on the faucets to cover the sound of you whimpering and heaving inside. After splashing your face with some water, you exited the room to find her still waiting for you outside. She offered an apologetic smile.

“So…” you started, not sure of how to best broach the subject. Good thing she already knew what you wanted to get at.

“They aren’t always like this,” she said “they’re all good people, but things have been a little… you know how it can be with family, right?”

You nodded. “Yeah, it’s just a little… seems kind of a bad time for me to be showing up.”

“No, I think it helps. They are better behaved when there’s company.”

But that’s true of everyone.

“Ransom didn’t tell you about…? Anything?” She asked.

“No. He said it’d be fine.”

Marta’s expression was of doubt, but she didn’t say anything to discredit him.

“Are you okay to go back?”

“Yeah, I’ll be okay.”

She nodded and stared leading you back to the room.

“They’re good people, but can be a little much sometimes. You get used to it with time.”

“You- I’m sorry if I’m overstepping, but you don’t look that used to them yourself.”

She shrugged “I guess I just… haven’t been around long enough.”

The scene you returned to was different from the one you had run from. Linda had abandoned the window and reclined on one of the armchairs. Richard had made his appearance, leaning against a bookcase behind Linda; He kept a respectful (perhaps even safe) distance between the two. Walt, Jacob and Donna were squeezed in on a single couch, looking like they’d just been plucked from a stuffy family portrait. Joni lounged on a window seat, leaning her chin on one hand and swirling her wine with the other. Fran was nowhere to be found. Harlan, sat atop the chair in front of the halo of knives, looking every bit the magnanimous patriarch. Ransom had taken his place on an armchair, just beside another empty one. On his other side was a small table with two empty wineglasses. His legs were crossed and he had a wide, satisfied smile that you knew well – so you knew it couldn’t mean anything good.

You sat beside him and angled your body in a way you felt would rend a pretty picture, because that seemed to be the game they were playing, while Marta made her way to a corner and stood there, doing the most not to draw attention to herself. Smart.

“So,” Harlan began as you settled into your spot “I think you were telling us about your career?”

“Yes, but there really isn’t much else to say.” Unless they wanted to be bored, that is. You had more tales of spotting typos than of interesting literary works.

“You said you worked at Little, Brown and Co?” He asked and you nodded “How long have you been there?”

“Two years. It’s about all the experience I have working in the field, other than internships in college.”

“Ah, College.” He grinned, but didn’t explain what he found so amusing “What did you major in?”

“English literature, with a minor in communications.”

“Good, good. Topical. You two bonded over books, then?”

You turned to Ransom, who was looking at you with a lazy smile. You had never told him about your job, let alone what you had studied in college.

“Yep,” he said. You two talked about books sometimes, but you didn’t think those conversations had helped with any bonding.

“You know, I think it’s so good to see Ransom has found a positive influence,” Joni said. The affectation in her voice and mannerisms was suddenly much more noticeable, and it felt like an omen.

You turned to Ransom. His lips were pressed together into a thin line and his chest was swelling like he was gathering oxygen for a screaming match or something worse. The longer you spent around these people, the more you were convinced he wasn’t the only one who liked to needle others.

“Honestly, I-” the words tumbled out of your mouth and you could only hope they were the right ones “I’m not sure if he’s influenceable.”

Ransom was still scowling and for a moment you were afraid you had only made things worse, but then his mouth opened and he let out the air in his lungs with a low chuckle. Much better than being in the middle of another argument.

Fran walked back into the room before anyone else could start a scene and announced that dinner was ready. Apparently Harlan hadn’t been exaggerating when he said she was the only one who kept his house in order – all around you tense shoulders relaxed and frowning brows smoothed with the promise of a meal. You must’ve looked happy as well, given you hadn’t eaten a thing since lunch and your stomach was starting to hurt. There was also (and you wished the thought hadn’t run through your mind, but it did) the chance that Ransom and his family would be much less likely to speak if their mouths were stuffed with meatloaf.

You wished you didn’t have those sort of intrusive thoughts about people you had just met, but they weren’t making it easy for you. Marta had alluded to a “family situation” that had left them on edge, but you had never seen people react this badly to strangers. This was the stuff or nightmares, or at least of “Florida Man” news reports. They were supposedly worse when there wasn’t company? How much worse could they get?

Ransom had told you not to worry about dining with his family. Maybe he was so used to them he didn’t think the way they acted was all that strange; maybe he knew his family would behave the way they had but he decided not to warn you for purposes of fuckery; it didn’t matter all that much. The worst thing was knowing that they sucked as hard as he liked to say they did. If you chose to go on with your pregnancy, this is what you would be bringing your child into.

[griffonfarm]

Previews (2/3)

Tied for second place in the poll were Dreams & Fables 2: What Are The Odds (the sequel to Brave New World) and a sample of something I’m working on that I haven’t started releasing. And since October is home to my favorite holiday, I figured what the hell, everybody’s a winner this time. 

Here a sample of What Are The Odds, which is the continuing (mis)adventures of Dorian Pavus and his outrageous Avvar husband Cullen Wolf-Bane.

“That’s it, is it?”

From the top of a buff lined with fir trees, Dorian stood gazing out at the rather minuscule collection of buildings spread out over a series of low hills. There wasn’t one impressive bit of architecture in the lot of them. Most of the buildings looked to be constructed of boards and tree trunks slapped together. A few had walls shored up with slabs of rock and mortar. Roofs were made of slate and thatch, though he saw a few that had actual grass growing on them. Grass. Thick, bright green, and waving in the slight breeze. All it needed were a few sheep grazing in it and the picture of a bumpkin’s paradise would be complete.

He couldn’t imagine what in the Maker’s name would make Gereon come to this pathetic looking place.

National pride pricked by the poor decision making of one of the few countrymen he held in high esteem, Dorian turned toward Cullen and asked hopefully, “Are you quite certain we didn’t take a wrong turn at the last overturned tree stump? Perhaps we were led astray by the third pond after that charming pile of rocks?”

Lounging against a large boulder with all the lazy grace of a predator, the former thane of Red-Lion Hold gave one of those low, husky chuckles that never failed to kindle a tiny spark of arousal deep in Dorian’s gut. “Aye. That is Redcliffe.”

Dorian arched an eyebrow in challenge. “There wouldn’t happen to be two of them, would there?”

Lifting his hand, Cullen pointed toward the cliffs rising behind the village. Dorian obligingly looked at them, and while he could grudgingly admit that the rock did have a crimson cast to it, he would have never called it red. That was far too generous.

“Fereldans,” he muttered under his breath, shaking his head. “We’re going to get lice down there.” He shot Cullen a sideways glance, taking in the layers of mismatched fur the man wore with no shame whatsoever. “If we haven’t any already.”

It had taken nearly three weeks of travel to get from the hold to Redcliffe. Eschewing roads for some Maker forsaken reason—possibly he was allergic to them and the convenience they offered—Cullen had led their bizarre little party through endless stretches of wilderness. They’d traversed steep, icy mountain passes that Dorian had been certain were going to kill them and thick, tangled jungles that seemed more appropriate for the northern climes than down in the chilly south. Nights were spent in camps of varying levels of comfort and practically little in the way of intimacy. The grueling pace Dorian had set left no time for anything but eating, sleeping, and walking. It wasn’t an ideal arrangement and he hadn’t enjoyed it in the least, but arriving at the Fereldan village in time to meet Felix and stop Gereon from making an even bigger mistake than he’d already done was of paramount importance.

Throughout it all, Cullen had not offered one word of complaint nor had he hinted at feeling regret for leaving his home. Dorian had watched him carefully those first few days, scrutinizing everything he said and did in search of evidence that he wished to return to his people. There hadn’t been anything to find. He’d been consistently upbeat, always ready with an encouraging word whenever Dorian got stuck in the mud or slid too far down a trail or started up one his many, many complaints about everything and anything south of Minrathous.

Out in the wilds, far away from anything even pretending at civilization, Cullen had seemed as peaceful and at home as the animals that accompanied them. It hadn’t been unusual for him to race off with Selkor to scout ahead, effortlessly ranging Maker only knew how far out while Dorian fought through tangles of weeds and fallen trees and over uneven, lumpy ground. He never seemed to tire and would return windblown and flushed and grinning with a feral excitement that often made Dorian wish their mission wasn’t quite so urgent.

But every time his resolve started to weaken, he had only to glance upward to see the sickly green hole in the sky. Day or night, it pulsated with malevolent lightning, occasionally spitting out a glowing speck that would streak through the sky like the worst kind of falling star. They had not encountered whatever monstrosities were emerging from the tear, but they had stumbled upon one of the smaller holes that were opening up near the ground. There was nothing they could do to secure it and leaving it open to unleash demons into the world hadn’t sat well with either of them, yet they could not close it and they couldn’t linger. The best they could do was kill the demons that had already come through and continue on their way, mildly consoled that at least there weren’t any settlements of people nearby that would be in danger.

Now, finally, they had arrived. And Dorian was so underwhelmed by how anticlimactic it was that he almost felt disappointed.

“Contact your friend,” Cullen advised, completely ignoring Dorian’s very valid hygiene concern. “Let us discover what his father has done.”

“Yes, yes,” Dorian huffed, waving it off with one hand as he reached into his tunic with the other to withdraw the crystal. “We’ve been walking for weeks, Cullen. Unlike you, I need a few minutes rest before I engage magisters in combat.”

With the utter disregard of someone who had never faced a magister in combat, Cullen gave a rolling shrug. “You will not do so alone. You know this.”

Oh, yes. Dorian knew that very well. If there was nothing else he could count on, it was Cullen’s fearless refusal to give a damn about the danger he gleefully entered whenever possible. All the time he’d spent with the man and still couldn’t fathom it, whether it was just an inexplicable aspect of Cullen’s personality or if it was another one of those ridiculous gifts the Avvar were so insistent about him having received.

“If at all possible, I would prefer not starting a fight,” Dorian reminded him. “Gereon Alexius was both a mentor and a friend to me. If he can be reasoned with, I would pursue that avenue first.”

Cullen’s gaze lifted as he looked pointedly at the hole in the sky. “There is no reason in this, Dorian.”

[lifeofaliterarynerd]

YA & NA Contemporary Reads for Valentine’s Day

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before - Jenny Han //  Lara Jean  has never openly admitted her crushes, but instead wrote each boy a letter about how she felt, sealed it, and hid it in a box under her bed. But one day Lara Jean discovers that somehow her secret box of letters has been mailed, causing all her crushes from her past to confront her about the letters.

P.S. I Still Love You - Jenny Han //  Lara Jean didn’t expect to really fall for Peter. She and Peter were just pretending. Except suddenly they weren’t. Now Lara Jean is more confused than ever. When another boy from her past returns to her life, Lara Jean’s feelings for him return too. Can a girl be in love with two boys at once?

Anna and the French Kiss - Stephanie Perkins //  Anna is looking forward to her senior year in Atlanta, where she has a great job, a loyal best friend, and a crush on the verge of becoming more. Which is why she is less than thrilled about being shipped off to boarding school in Paris--until she meets Étienne St. Clair. Smart, charming, beautiful, Étienne has it all...including a serious girlfriend.

Lola and the Boy Next Door - Stephanie Perkins //  Lola Nolan is a budding costume designer, and for her, the more outrageous, sparkly, and fun the outfit, the better. And everything is pretty perfect in her life (right down to her hot rocker boyfriend) until the Bell twins, Calliope and Cricket, return to the neighborhood. When Cricket, a gifted inventor, steps out from his twin sister's shadow and back into Lola's life, she must finally reconcile a lifetime of feelings for the boy next door.

Isla and the Happily Ever After - Stephanie Perkins //  Hopeless romantic Isla has had a crush on introspective cartoonist Josh since their first year at the School of America in Paris. And after a chance encounter in Manhattan over the summer, romance might be closer than Isla imagined. But as they begin their senior year back in France, Isla and Josh are forced to confront the challenges every young couple must face, including family drama, uncertainty about their college futures, and the very real possibility of being apart.

My Life Next Door - Huntley Fitzpatrick //  The Garretts are everything the Reeds are not. Loud, messy, affectionate. And every day from her rooftop perch, Samantha Reed wishes she was one of them . . . until one summer evening, Jase Garrett climbs up next to her and changes everything.

Better Off Friends - Elizabeth Eulberg // For Macallan and Levi, it was friends at first sight. Everyone says guys and girls can’t be just friends, but these two are.  They are platonic and happy that way.They can’t help but wonder . . . are they more than friends or are they better off without making it even more complicated?

Wait For You - Jennifer L. Armentrout //  Traveling thousands of miles from home to enter college is the only way nineteen-year-old Avery Morgansten can escape what happened at the Halloween party five years ago—an event that forever changed her life. All she needs to do is make it to her classes on time, make sure the bracelet on her left wrist stays in place, not draw any attention to herself, and maybe—please God—make a few friends, because surely that would be a nice change of pace. The one thing she didn’t need and never planned on was capturing the attention of the one guy who could shatter the precarious future she’s building for herself.

A Little Something Different - Sandy Hall //  The creative writing teacher, the delivery guy, the local Starbucks baristas, his best friend, her roommate, and the squirrel in the park all have one thing in common—they believe that Gabe and Lea should get together. But somehow even when nothing is going on, something is happening between them, and everyone can see it

Royally Screwed - Emma Chase // Nicholas Arthur Frederick Edward Pembrook, Crowned Prince of Wessco , grew up with the whole world watching, and now Marriage Watch is in full force. Nicholas has to decide who he is and, more importantly, who he wants to be: a King... or the man who gets to love Olivia forever.

Summer Days and Summer Nights - Stephanie Perkins //  Maybe it's the long, lazy days, or maybe it's the heat making everyone a little bit crazy. Whatever the reason, summer is the perfect time for love to bloom. Summer Days & Summer Nights: Twelve Love Stories, written by twelve bestselling young adult writers and edited by the international bestselling author Stephanie Perkins, will have you dreaming of sunset strolls by the lake.

Just One Day - Gayle Forman //  Allyson Healey's life is exactly like her suitcase—packed, planned, ordered. Then on the last day of her three-week post-graduation European tour, she meets Willem. A free-spirited, roving actor, Willem is everything she’s not, and when he invites her to abandon her plans and come to Paris with him, Allyson says yes. This uncharacteristic decision leads to a day of risk and romance, liberation and intimacy: 24 hours that will transform Allyson’s life.

Just One Year - Gayle Forman // When he opens his eyes, Willem doesn’t know where in the world he is—Prague or Dubrovnik or back in Amsterdam. All he knows is that he is once again alone, and that he needs to find a girl named Lulu. They shared one magical day in Paris, and something about that day—that girl—makes Willem wonder if they aren’t fated to be together. He travels all over the world, from Mexico to India, hoping to reconnect with her. But as months go by and Lulu remains elusive, Willem starts to question if the hand of fate is as strong as he’d thought.

The Sun is Also a Star - Nicola Yoon //  Follow Natasha, a girl who believes in science and facts, as she meets Daniel, a dutiful son and dreamer, as they spend a single day together in New York - and try to stop Natasha’s family from being deported to Jamacia.

Everything Everything - Nicola Yoon // My disease is as rare as it is famous. Basically, I’m allergic to the world. I don’t leave my house, have not left my house in seventeen years. The only people I ever see are my mom and my nurse, Carla. But then one day, a moving truck arrives next door. I look out my window, and I see him. His name is Olly. Maybe we can’t predict the future, but we can predict some things. For example, I am certainly going to fall in love with Olly. It’s almost certainly going to be a disaster

Beneath Wandering Stars - Ashlee Cowles //  After her soldier brother is horribly wounded in Afghanistan, Gabriela must honor the vow she made: If anything ever happened to him, she would walk the Camino de Santiago through Spain, making a pilgrimage in his name. The worst part is that the promise stipulates that she must travel with her brother's best friend--a boy she has despised all her life.

Isn’t She Lovely - Lauren Layne //  Stephanie Kendrick gave up her whole summer to ace her NYU film school screenwriting course, so she's pissed to be stuck with a preppy, spoiled frat boy as her writing partner. Then again, with her piercings, black-rimmed eyes, and Goth wardrobe, Stephanie isn't exactly Ethan Price's type, either. He's probably got his eye on some leggy blonde with a trust fund... or does he?

Catch a Falling Star - Kim Culbertson //  Nothing ever happens in Little, CA. Which is just the way Carter Moon likes it. But when Hollywood arrives to film a movie starring former child star turned PR mess Adam Jakes, everything changes. Carter's town becomes a giant glittery set and, much to her annoyance, everyone is starry-eyed for Adam. Carter seems to be the only girl not falling all over herself to get a glimpse of him. Which apparently makes her perfect for the secret offer of a lifetime: playing the role of Adam's girlfriend while he's in town, to improve his public image, in exchange for a hefty paycheck.

The Hating Game - Sally Thorne //  Lucy Hutton and Joshua Templeman hate each other. Not dislike. Not begrudgingly tolerate. Hate. And they have no problem displaying their feelings through a series of ritualistic passive aggressive maneuvers as they sit across from each other, executive assistants to co-CEOs of a publishing company. Now up for the same promotion, their battle of wills has come to a head and Lucy refuses to back down when their latest game could cost her her dream job…But the tension between Lucy and Joshua has also reached its boiling point, and Lucy is discovering that maybe she doesn’t hate Joshua. And maybe, he doesn’t hate her either. Or maybe this is just another game.

Wanderlost - Jen Malone //  Aubree’s ready for a chilled-out summer at home in Ohio, until she finds herself taking over her sister’s job as a tour guide…in Europe. Things fall apart almost immediately, and when the tour company owner’s son comes along for the ride and steals Aubree’s heart, keeping up the ruse of being her own sister becomes the hardest challenge of all.

The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight - Jennifer E. Smith //  Today should be one of the worst days of seventeen-year-old Hadley Sullivan's life. Having missed her flight, she's stuck at JFK airport and late to her father's second wedding, which is taking place in London and involves a soon-to-be stepmother Hadley's never even met. Then she meets the perfect boy in the airport's cramped waiting area. His name is Oliver, he's British, and he's sitting in her row. A long night on the plane passes in the blink of an eye, and Hadley and Oliver lose track of each other in the airport chaos upon arrival. Can fate intervene to bring them together once more?

The Geography of You and Me - Jennifer E. Smith //  Lucy and Owen meet somewhere between the tenth and eleventh floors of a New York City apartment building, on an elevator rendered useless by a citywide blackout. After they’re rescued, they spend a single night together, wandering the darkened streets and marveling at the rare appearance of stars above Manhattan. Lucy and Owen’s relationship plays out across the globe as they stay in touch through postcards, occasional e-mails, and—finally—a reunion in the city where they first met.

P.S. I Like You - Kasie West //  While spacing out in chemistry class, Lily scribbles some of her favorite song lyrics onto her desk. The next day, she finds that someone has continued the lyrics on the desk and added a message to her. Soon, Lily and her anonymous pen pal are exchanging full-on letters—sharing secrets, recommending bands, and opening up to each other. Lily realizes she’s kind of falling for this letter writer. Only, who is he?

On the Fence - Kasie West //  For sixteen-year-old Charlotte Reynolds, aka Charlie, being raised by a single dad and three older brothers has its perks. She can outrun, outscore, and outwit every boy she knows—including her longtime neighbor and honorary fourth brother, Braden. But when it comes to being a girl, Charlie doesn't know the first thing about anything. To cope with the stress of faking her way through this new world of  makeup, lacy skirts, and BeDazzlers , Charlie seeks late-night refuge in her backyard, talking out her problems with Braden by the fence that separates them. But their Fence Chats can't solve Charlie's biggest problem: she's falling for Braden. Hard.

Since You’ve Been Gone - Morgan Matson //  It was Sloane who yanked Emily out of her shell and made life 100% interesting. But right before what should have been the most epic summer, Sloane just…disappears. All she leaves behind is a to-do list.  Emily now has this unexpected summer, and the help of Frank Porter (totally unexpected), to check things off Sloane's list. Who knows what she’ll find?

Georgia Peaches and Other Forbidden Fruit - Jaye Robin Brown //  Joanna Gordon has been out and proud for years, but when her popular radio evangelist father remarries and decides to move all three of them from Atlanta to the more conservative Rome, Georgia, he asks Jo to do the impossible: to lie low for the rest of her senior year. And Jo reluctantly agrees.  Things get complicated when she meets Mary Carlson, the oh-so-tempting sister of her new friend at school.

Far From You - Tess Sharpe //  After a painful car accident led to a dangerous OxyContin addiction, Sophie’s fought every day to get and remain clean. When someone plants drugs on Sophie after the death of her best friend Mina, everyone assumes that Sophie fell back into her destructive habits and took Mina down with her. Only she knows that Mina’s murder wasn’t a drug deal gone wrong, and only she can stop the killer.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - Benjamin Alire  Sáenz //  Aristotle is an angry teen with a brother in prison. Dante is a know-it-all who has an unusual way of looking at the world. When the two meet at the swimming pool, they seem to have nothing in common. But as the loners start spending time together, they discover that they share a special friendship—the kind that changes lives and lasts a lifetime. And it is through this friendship that Ari and Dante will learn the most important truths about themselves and the kind of people they want to be.

History is All You Left Me - Adam Silvera //  When Griffin’s first love and ex-boyfriend, Theo, dies in a drowning accident, his universe implodes. Even though Theo had moved to California for college and started seeing Jackson, Griffin never doubted Theo would come back to him when the time was right. But now, the future he’s been imagining for himself has gone far off course. To make things worse, the only person who truly understands his heartache is Jackson. But no matter how much they open up to each other, Griffin’s downward spiral continues. 

I’ll Give You the Sun - Jandy Nelson //  Jude and her twin brother, Noah, are incredibly close. At thirteen, isolated Noah draws constantly and is falling in love with the charismatic boy next door, while daredevil Jude cliff-dives and wears red-red lipstick and does the talking for both of them. But three years later, Jude and Noah are barely speaking. Something has happened to wreck the twins in different and dramatic ways . . until Jude meets a cocky, broken, beautiful boy, as well as someone else—an even more unpredictable new force in her life.

Amy & Roger’s Epic Detour - Morgan Matson //  Amy Curry is not looking forward to her summer. Her mother decided to move across the country and now it's Amy's responsibility to get their car from California to Connecticut. The only problem is, since her father died in a car accident, she isn't ready to get behind the wheel. Enter Roger. An old family friend, he also has to make the cross-country trip - and has plenty of baggage of his own. The road home may be unfamiliar - especially with their friendship venturing into uncharted territory - but together, Amy and Roger will figure out how to map their way.

The Unexpected Everything - Morgan Matson // Andie’s got a plan for her summer, just as she does for everything in life. But when it falls apart thanks to a political scandal, and she ends up spending the summer living with the last person she ever wanted to—her own father—all her carefully laid plans take turns for the unexpected, including the one she had for her heart.

Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell //  Cath is a Simon Snow fan.  She and her twin sister, Wren, ensconced themselves in the Simon Snow series when they were just kids; it’s what got them through their mother leaving. Cath’s sister has mostly grown away from fandom, but Cath can’t let go. She doesn’t want to. Now that they’re going to college, Wren has told Cath she doesn’t want to be roommates. Cath is on her own, completely outside of her comfort zone. For Cath, the question is: Can she do this?

Eleanor & Park - Rainbow Rowell //  Set over the course of one school year, this is the story of two star-crossed sixteen-year-olds—smart enough to know that first love almost never lasts, but brave and desperate enough to try.

Everything Leads to You - Nina LaCour //  Emi, a girl who knows how to design a film set like no one else, but finds her love life far from cinematic. Stuck in a hot-and-cold pattern with the same girl, she begins to break the cycle when a mysterious letter from an acting legend leads her to the beautiful and unconventional Ava.

Gena/Finn - Kat Helegeson & Hannah Moskowitz //  Gena and Finn, two girls in different life stages, brought together by fandom for a TV show called Up Below. While their shared love is what initially bonds them, it doesn’t take long for them to click in every other way, baring their souls to each other about their lives and loves and worlds beyond the screen.  But the closer they get, the more complicated things become, especially for Finn and the boyfriend she lives with.

South of Sunshine - Dana Elmendorf //  In Sunshine, Tennessee, the main event in town is Friday night football, the biggest party of the year is held in a field filled with pickup trucks, and church attendance is mandatory. For Kaycee Jean McCoy, life in Sunshine means dating guys she has no interest in, saying only “yes, ma’am” when the local bigots gossip at her mom’s cosmetics salon, and avoiding certain girls at all costs. Girls like Bren Dawson.

If I Was Your Girl - Meredith Russo //  For Amanda, moving in with her father is an opportunity to start over where no one but her dad has ever known her as Andrew, and the move most certainly agrees with her: she makes new friends in no time, and it gives her and her father a chance to get to know each other again. But she also falls in love, which is something she never expected to happen, has no idea how to handle, and just may spell her downfall.

Run - Kody Keplinger //  Bo’s a wild girl who does her own thing and whose parents couldn’t care less what she’s up to. Agnes is legally blind, and has parents who practically keep her prisoner in an attempt to keep her “safe” from the outside world. Despite their differences, the two become best friends…which means when Bo comes to Agnes one night on the run from the cops and asks her to leave town at her side, Agnes agrees, and the two head off on a hell of an adventure, complete with a whole lot of law-breaking.

A List of Cages - Robin Roe //  When Adam Blake lands the best elective ever in his senior year, serving as an aide to the school psychologist, he thinks he’s got it made. Sure, it means a lot of sitting around, which isn’t easy for a guy with ADHD, but he can’t complain, since he gets to spend the period texting all his friends. Then the doctor asks him to track down the troubled freshman who keeps dodging her, and Adam discovers that the boy is Julian—the foster brother he hasn’t seen in five years.

You Know Me Well - Nina LaCour & David Levithan //  Mark and Kate have sat next to each other for an entire year, but have never spoken. For whatever reason, their paths outside of class have never crossed.  When Kate and Mark meet up, little do they know how important they will become to each other—and how, in a very short time, they will know each other better than any of the people who are supposed to know them more. When Kate and Mark meet up, little do they know how important they will become to each other—and how, in a very short time, they will know each other better than any of the people who are supposed to know them more.

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli //  Sixteen-year-old and not-so-openly gay Simon Spier prefers to save his drama for the school musical. But when an email falls into the wrong hands, his secret is at risk of being thrust into the spotlight. Now Simon is actually being blackmailed: if he doesn’t play wingman for class clown Martin, his sexual identity will become everyone’s business. Worse, the privacy of Blue, the pen name of the boy he’s been emailing, will be compromised.

Always the Last to Know - Crystal Bowling //  Wearing a Maid of Honor dress that very well may cause the South to want to rise again, Jess Reynolds is prepared to walk down the aisle at her best friend's wedding. It's just that things keep getting in the way, like a sex-crazed coworker, an annoying brother-of-the-bride, and a handsome and horribly charming friend posing as the Best Man. As it turns out, Jess might just be the last one to know everything, including the workings of her own heart.

Can You Keep a Secret - Sophie Kinsella //  Meet Emma Corrigan, a young woman with a huge heart, an irrepressible spirit, and a few little secrets: Secrets from her boyfriend: I've always thought Connor looks a bit like Ken. As in Barbie and Ken. Secrets from her mother: I lost my virginity in the spare bedroom with Danny Nussbaum while Mum and Dad were downstairs watching Ben-Hur. Secrets she wouldn't share with anyone in the world: I have no idea what NATO stands for. Or even what it is. Until she spills them all to a handsome stranger on a plane. At least, she thought he was a stranger.…

Famous in Love - Rebecca Serle //  The romantic story of a girl who gets plucked from obscurity to star in the next major feature film franchise based on a book and the ensuing love triangles she gets entangled in on—-and off screen. 

Love and First Sight - Josh Sundquist //  On his first day at a new school, blind sixteen-year-old Will Porter accidentally groped a girl on the stairs, sat on another student in the cafeteria, and somehow drove a classmate to tears. High school can only go up from here, right? As Will starts to find his footing, he develops a crush on a sweet but shy girl named Cecily. And despite his fear that having a girlfriend will make him inherently dependent on someone sighted, the two of them grow closer and closer.

Fan Art - Sarah Tregay //  With the hurdle of coming out to his family overcome, some might think that the worst of Jamie’s problems are over, but really, they’re just beginning. With prom around the corner and his best friend Mason already lined up to take a girl, Jamie is forced to confront overwhelming jealousy and the knowledge that his growing feelings for Mason aren’t going away anytime soon.

One Man Guy - Michael Barakiva //  Aleksander Khederian doesn’t need (or want) summer school, but his strict Armenian-American parents think it’s the best way for him to stay on the honor track. Just when he thinks his summer couldn’t get any worse, he meets Ethan. Cool, confident, and adventurous, Ethan is everything Alek wishes he could be. As he’s drawn closer to Ethan’s alluring persona, Alek realizes that he might want to be a bit more than “just friends” with the attractive skateboarder.

Look Both Ways - Alison Cherry //  A summer away from the city is the beginning of everything for Brooklyn Shepard. Her theater apprenticeship at Allerdale is a chance to prove that she can carve out a niche all her own, surrounded by people who don’t know anything about her or her family of superstar performers. Brooklyn immediately hits it off with her roommate, Zoe, and soon their friendship turns into something more.

The Art of Being Normal - Lisa Williamson // David Piper has always been an outsider. His parents think he’s gay. The school bully thinks he’s a freak. Only his two best friends know the real truth – David wants to be a girl. On the first day at his new school Leo Denton has one goal – to be invisible. Attracting the attention of the most beautiful girl in year eleven is definitely not part of that plan. When Leo stands up for David in a fight, an unlikely friendship forms.

[ourbitchycollectionchildblo-blog]

Keep your panties on.

Back in high school, you probably had rules for how far you’d go: under the shirt, over the pants, and so on. more tips here Well, the teenage you was on to something. “It can be pleasurable torture to play with each other over your underwear, teasing and stroking through the fabric,” says sex coach Patti Britton, Ph.D. “You’re building up the anticipation, so when you finally do have skin-on-skin contact, it’ll be that much more explosive and exciting.” It’s all about the tongue. When it comes to performing oral sex on him, don’t focus only on porn star-style suction. You can do a lot with just your tongue. Flatten your tongue and pretend you are licking a delicious ice cream cone. Then try the “pointy-tongue” technique to stroke up and down and side to side. Do different strokes and touches, like flicking your tongue over the head, and see what kind of response you get. Frankly, the missionary position is the position least likely to bring a woman to climax. But there is a subtle adjustment you can make that can increase your chances of having an orgasm: the coital alignment technique, or CAT. Have your partner move his entire body up about two inches. Your partner’s pubic bone will rest on top of yours so that the base of his penis presses on your clitoris. This position provides continuous stimulation of your clitoris during intercourse, increasing your chances of having an orgasm. —Sexual Pleasure: Reaching New Heights of Sexual Arousal & Intimacy by Barbara Keesling, Ph.D. They touch their own bodies. Women who love sex are comfortable with masturbation. It’s how they learn about their own bodies, about what they like, and about how they can reach orgasm quickly or slowly (depending on their mood). Since most women don’t reach orgasm via intercourse alone, those who feel free to touch themselves during lovemaking control their erotic destiny: They know they can come whenever they want, and that makes them more confident and relaxed lovers. The New Sex Rules Old rule:Both partners should be equally active in bed. New rule:It’s okay to relinquish all control sometimes — or to totally take over. Yes, both of you should be getting equal satisfaction from your sex life, and, yes, men love it when you take an active role in your own pleasure. But that doesn’t mean that every time you make love it has to be exactly 50/50. After all, sometimes one of you is just too beat or burned-out to have the energy for a night of vigorous sex, but you can still lie back and have some fun, points out Joan Elizabeth Lloyd, author of The Perfect Orgasm. The Breath of Fire Use this before or during lovemaking to get you in the mood or increase arousal, especially if you’re having trouble reaching orgasm. There’s no simpler way to oxygenate the blood, a process that increases sexual energy and elevates desire. Take rapid, rhythmic and shallow breaths through the nose. Keep your mouth closed. Breathe this way for one to three minutes. Change the context. Some women are nervous to ask for what they want during sex because they feel it sounds too demanding. “Try broaching the subject in a different setting where you can express your desires in a more relaxed way,” says Em. “Cuddle up to him while watching a sexy scene on TV and whisper, ‘I hope we’ll try that tonight.’” He’ll be receptive to your feedback, no matter when you offer it. Wild in the Wild: Is it okay to romp in a field? “In 25 years of practice, I haven’t seen a patient with any sex-in-the-grass-related complaints,” says gynecologist Suzanne Merrill-Nach, M.D. Nature enthusiasts face a slight (but avoidable) risk of poison ivy or oak, allergic reactions to other plants or insects entering places they shouldn’t. “And if you’re considering sex on the beach, watch out for friction burns from the sand,” says Suzanne Merrill-Nach, M.D. Another consideration: “Almost every state has laws against indecent exposure,” says Sandor Gardos, Ph.D.,”though it really depends on how flagrant it is, and it’s fairly easy to talk your way out of arrest or a summons. Use your judgment.” So, pack a blanket, be discreet and go enjoy the great outdoors! Reach out and touch each other. A full-body massage helps stimulate the seven energy centers, or chakras, throughout your body, so you’re aroused from head to toe. “Start massaging your partner’s hands and wrists,” says Mabel Iam, author of Sex and the Perfect Lover. “Then move up the arms and shoulders until you reach the chest. Next, starting from the feet and ankles, work your way up the legs and thighs until you reach the belly.” This sequence helps awaken his sexual energy. When you’re done massaging him, have him do the same for you — this puts your energies in tune and helps create a sense of union, not to mention feels pretty damn good. Vacation Sex “My husband and I had the best vacation sex recently in Hawaii,” says Francine, a 36-year-old mother of two from New York City. “We were on the top floor of the resort, so we knew no one was above us to see or hear us. And the room had these huge floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the ocean. It felt like we were having sex outdoors, but without the nuisance of the sand going up our butts!” The New Woman-on-Top This is typically the best position for a woman to reach orgasm because she can control the angle and speed of penetration. But the odds of her getting there can definitely be improved. The hot-spot adjustments: Either lean back, resting your hands on the bed behind you, or lean forward with your hands above his head. These more extreme angles heighten clitoral stimulation and also exaggerate the pull on his F-spot and R-area. The Fantasy Encounter Set aside 30 minutes of uninterrupted time on Sunday (finding this time may be the hardest part of the program, but trust us, it’s worth it) in a relaxed setting — perhaps in the bedroom after the children are asleep. Wearing loose-fitting but attractive clothing (no holey sweat pants!), sit down together and share your sexual fantasies. If you’re uncomfortable talking about the ones you usually indulge in, make up some new ones. Let your imaginations roam free. The caveat: Don’t touch, just talk. Start sleeping in the nude. If you’re usually a head-to-toe flannel woman, take it in small steps: a tank and shorts, then just a tee, and so on until you’re completely nude. Once you get over the nakedness of it, the feeling of having nothing on is actually powerful and potent — and may even lead to sexier dreams, not to mention a more tantalizing nighttime cuddle…or more. Why not try standing up? Almost nothing makes you feel as overwhelmed by lust as a quickie against a wall (think The English Patient or Sea of Love). Pick a moment (don’t tell him) and pounce. “Give him a hot, wet kiss, rub your body against his and say, ‘How about right here?’” suggests Olivia St. Claire, author of Unleashing the Sex Goddess in Every Woman. If his reaction doesn’t make you feel like a sex symbol, nothing will. I want to try having sex in the shower. How do we master this? The first step is to prep for your slippery romp, says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of He Comes Next. Set the mood by killing harsh overhead lights and replacing them with candles that cast a warm glow across the room. Then throw down a rubber shower mat — the material will give you traction so neither of you will slip and fall. Two positions work best: Have your wife face the shower wall while you stand behind her. She can rest her hands flat against the wall and lean in slightly, keeping one foot on the far corner of the tub for support. Or, face each other and have her hook one of her legs around your waist, while you rest your hand flat on the shower wall behind her. Oh, and watch out for this condom conundrum: Latex can be damaged by soap, which often contains oils that cause erosion and breakage — so save getting clean until after you get dirty. Take matters into your own hands. If you don’t have time for lots of foreplay (that’s what leisurely Saturday nights are for), take a shortcut to arousal: Pleasure yourself with your hand, or use a vibrator while your partner touches himself and watches you. “Once you’re suitably aroused, you can dive straight into sex far quicker than if you’d given each other foreplay,” says Emily Dubberley, author of Sex for Busy People: The Art of the Quickie for Lovers on the Go. Sure, your guy turns you on, but let’s face it: No one knows how to push your buttons better than you do. Get in the groove. You have a better chance of repeatedly peaking if you’ve already been ramped up by outside sexual stimuli — music, candles, massage, movies, whatever connects you with your body. “The higher your sexual energy is built up before you touch yourself or someone else touches you, the easier it is to have one orgasm and even multiples, because the pot of desire is larger and you’ve got nothing but sensuality simmering,” says Rachel Carlton Abrams, M.D., coauthor of The Multi-Orgasmic Woman. Take it slow. “Peaking,” a technique in which you assume a slower-than-average pace during intercourse, can easily wind you both up for an ecstatic ending, says Patricia Taylor, Ph.D., a sex coach and author of Expanded Orgasm: Soar to Ecstasy at Your Lover’s Every Touch. “A constant, fast pace will dull your senses,” she explains. “But a slower rhythm will give your body time to adjust and allow the tension to eventually build up to even greater heights.” So try consciously moving as if in slow motion and see if it doesn’t bring both of you to an amazing simultaneous finish. Sacrum (on you) Why it’s hot: The vertebrae in the small of your back (right above your buttocks) contain sacral nerves, which shoot straight to your genitals, say Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, coauthors of The Essence of Tantric Sexuality. In fact, electric stimulation of this nerve will trigger an orgasm in 91 percent of women, according to a recent study. Try this: Lie on your stomach and have your partner press on the sacrum with his palm, or give it a gentle karate chop-style massage. This will stimulate the sacral nerves and build heat in the genitals, says Michael Gach, Ph.D., founder of the Acupressure Institute. Rejigger your carnal clock. If you keep sex relegated to the dud time slot between the 10 o’clock news and passing out on the pillow, it’s gonna suffer. Ditch the restricting notion that sex is a bedtime ritual, and suddenly you’ll discover lots of little daily openings to do it in. “Our best sex is the five-thirty fling, when my husband and I both get home from work,” says Jenny, 34. “Stripping off each other’s work clothes is so hot that we both spend the afternoon looking forward to it.” Happy hour isn’t the only prime time to pounce. Weekend afternoons or mid-mornings, first thing pre-work…the totally satisfied set never discriminates. “Seven in the morning is the only time we have to ourselves, so that’s when we get it on,” says Anne, 37. “I swear, we’ve gone from once-a-weekers to sexaholics.” Use your eyes: Both men and women are stimulated by erotic visuals, according to an Archives of Sexual Behavior study. Try keeping the lights on and your eyes open (this also aids communication, as you can see what pleases your partner). Making love in front of mirrors or using video cameras is a variation on the same theme. The effort pays off. Once you begin to appreciate foreplay as an integral part of your life together, as important and as necessary as paying the bills or feeding the kids, sexual satisfaction and the stronger marriage that comes with it will always be just one short step away. QuikJab. When you begin to make love, start with short, shallow thrusts before you let him go deep. This will hit the most sensitive spots on you (the opening of the vagina) and him (the head of the penis), says Gloria Brame, Ph.D., author of Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex. The Very Handy Kiss If you think kisses on the hand are more innocent than those bestowed on other parts of his body, you haven’t tried this one: Place the tip of your tongue on the webbed area at the base of his fingers, then slowly slide your way up the side. This move will give him goose bumps because this area is very sensitive but, like the nerves of his inner ear, rarely gets much attention, says Olivia St. Claire, author of 302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed. Then, to make him completely crazy, take the tip of his finger between your lips. “It’s suggestive of what I could be doing down below,” says Fran, 39. Ice Cubes Slowly trail melting ice across your partner’s body — blindfold him to heighten sensitivity. Use ice in your mouth when you give him oral sex or even in your vagina during intercourse for a unique sensation for both of you. Sex at the folks’ house is tricky for some, icky for others. “The thought of doing it under your parents’ roof is something that many couples cannot fathom, so they institute a hands-off rule for family trips,” says Laura Corn, author of 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex. If the prospect of hooking up when parents are within earshot makes you cringe, then you should probably abstain — or stay at a hotel, where you’ll have privacy. But if you’re into the whole forbidden-location thing, face it: There aren’t many places more off-limits than your parents’ pad. “Doing it anywhere you’re not supposed to can be a turn-on,” Corn says. Amazing “May I?” Game “My wife asked if she could run her hands over my chest. Of course, I said yes, but I was kind of thinking, Why so formal? Then she asked if she could kiss my nipples. After that, she requested permission to undo my pants. She wondered if I’d mind if she gave me oral sex. Before every move she made, she asked for my consent. I got more and more turned on with each question. Part of it was hearing what she was going to do to me next, and part of it was the idea that I was actually granting her favors, like she wanted it so badly but needed my okay.” Variation on the Missionary Position. Toguarantee even deeper penetration with the missionary position, New York psychiatrist Avodah Offit, M.D., author of The Sexual Self, suggests a slight variation: “Pull your knees up to your chest, then spread them just wide enough for your husband to get between them. With your calves on either side of his back, support his weight on the backs of your thighs. If you want to move you can rock back and forth with him.” source: Redbook