#presumably after she lives away from the clusterfuck that is her home life for a little while

[yesitsalivealiiiiiiiive]

to the neglected child of the hour

[theartofmedia]

The Art of Review: YIIK: A Postmodern RPG

I have been sitting here for about two hours with this tab open, trying to find out how to properly introduce this. At the time of writing this (May 7, 2019, 10:02 PM), I have just finished watching YIIK several hours ago. However, I have been doing just about everything to avoid actually writing about it, because I have no idea how to ease the reader into this.

YIIK is so reprehensible that I created this segment--”The Art of Review”--because I needed to talk about this game. I needed to explain just why this game fails on every single account, and is so blatantly offensive. Initially, I was going to do a piece on something creator Andrew Allanson had said about games and his protagonist, Alex. It had to do with character development, and a common criticism was Alex’s sheer lack of it; naturally, I decided to watch a walkthrough online in order to see this for myself first-hand.

I was not prepared for what I saw. I have never had to take as many breaks from any media before due to sheer anger at what I was witnessing. I have never seen a game that fails in every single sense, that is regarded as such high art by its developers. Except maybe David Cage, but he’s a topic for another day.

YIIK: A Postmodern RPG is one of the worst pieces of media I have ever had the displeasure of viewing... probably in my entire life. I wish I was exaggerating.

Before I go any further, I would like give immense credit to GrandmaParty and the others at the Something Awful forums for doing an LP of the game with commentary and cutting out the fights. GrandmaParty graciously linked the thread to me--which is full of sources that I will also be linking to throughout this piece--and made the entire game tolerable enough for me to power through. It wouldn’t have happened without you guys, so thank you very much for extending a hand to a small creator trying to get her footing in the world. <3

I will also be linking to the various episodes of GrandmaParty’s LP with timestamped links to show particular scenes or dialogue. I’ve heard that one Andrew Allanson likes to say that people doctored screenshots of his game to make him look bad. Sorry, but I don’t like being accused of forgery, so I’m going to just preemptively strike that claim down.

Now then. This is going to be a big, long review. Allow me to tell you how we’ll be separating this.

We’re going to have two main sections: a non-spoiler review, and a spoiler review. This is mainly due to the fact that a lot of the game’s issues come from its mess of a story, one that can only be understood fully if you’ve seen it through to the end (and its multiple endings).

But let me be clear here.

DO NOT BUY THIS GAME.

Don’t buy it for a laugh. Don’t buy it to see how bad it is. It’s broken, it’s offensive, and the creators and proven themselves time and time again to be genuinely awful and prejudiced people. Do not give these people money.

The non-spoiler and spoiler sections will be divided into subsections, which may also have subsections of their own.

With that said... let’s begin my review of YIIK: A Postmodern RPG.

Non-Spoiler Review

Plot:

The plot of YIIK (it’s pronounced like Y2K, but I’m going to pronounce it as ‘yick’ personally) follows Alex, a freshly-graduated college student, and the strange events that begin to occur once he returns to his hometown of Frankton. He follows a cat to an old factory/hotel, where he meets Sammy, a young woman who appears to live there. When she is taken by some mysterious creatures in front of Alex, he begins a journey to try and find out what happened to her, and begins to make discoveries that could endanger the very fabric of the universe. In theory, at least. In reality, the story is an absolute clusterfuck of vague metaphysics, and the rules of the world were never clearly established, so everything just becomes an incoherent mess.

Characters:

The characters are bare-bones at best and absolutely insufferable at worst. Alex especially is infamous among critics and detractors of the game for his arrogance, ignorance, underlying racism/sexism we’ll get to that, and lack of properly-written development. I’m not going to go into full detail with Alex just yet--there will be an entirely separate post on him. Something also to keep in mind that general consensus appears to be that Alex is an author-insert for Andrew Allanson. Whether that is or isn’t true is frankly up to the viewer, but there’s no definitive proof of it.

(Oh!!! Quick thing!! This image here keeps circulating around--this person is not Andrew! That is someone named Cr33pyDude on both Twitter and Reddit! He just so happens to look like the main character. Don’t rag on this guy, everyone, he doesn’t have anything to do with this shitshow. <3)

Most of the other characters are bland and underdeveloped, but all have potential to be better (Rory especially, in my personal opinion) if they were in the hands of a better writer. The female characters, though... either they are fawning over Alex, being written as nagging and overbearing, or having so little significance that taking them out entirely would change nothing. Don’t worry, we’ll get to that. Other NPCs are forgettable, and enemies are out-of-place monsters that hold no consequence to the story.

Writing:

And the writing--dear god the writing. The writers don’t know the phrase “show, don’t tell.” So frequently would Alex monologue about nothing. Upon coming back from seeing a woman get taken by supernatural creatures, he goes home and reflects--only to go on a tangent about his mother. Immediately after that, he goes on a rant about p/o/r/n/ when sent an email and how girls that he used to go to school with wouldn’t be doing “particularly unladylike” things. And the entire game is like this. Alex will go on pseudo-philosophical rants to himself, and they reveal nothing about his character except that he thinks he’s better than everyone else. He’ll also frequently describe things as though talking to someone--while this does get explained later, it still is completely frustrating when the narrative says “I said this and she said that” instead of just having dialogue or actions between characters. A lot of the dialogue doesn’t exactly... sound like anything a human would say. It’s stilted and unnatural.

Graphics:

The graphics are... bad. Really bad. The style is supposed to be a throwback to old-school, very polygonal games, but environments lack any and all actual texture, making them incredibly flat and uninteresting at best and painful for the eyes at worst. Everything is extremely colorful, but in the sense of neon colors. Everything is so bright and vibrant, and there is barely a place where someone’s eyes can rest--it’s balance in art. Brightness like this needs to be contrasted with darker, more muted shades, or else it just hurts to look at. The viewer’s eyes need places to rest, and the muted shades allow them that reprieve. You don’t get that with YIIK. It’s just a constant bombardment of colors and lights, to the point where if you are sensitive to these kinds of things, you may not want to look even at game footage unless you’re prepared. The character portraits are fine, even if some expressions are odd, but the in-game chibi-esque models are... bad. Really bad. They’re so uncanny and unsettling, and their expressions almost never change. (Also Alex has detailed teeth and it’s just as horrifying as you might think.)

Music/Audio:

The music is. Awful? It’s awful. It’s genuinely really bad. Case in point: one of the boss battle themes. You can hear this poor guy trying so hard to put power behind his voice, but it just sounds unnatural and strained. (Also he clips the mic at some points, and the balancing in general is. Bad.) He’s out-of-tune and occasionally off-beat, and it just makes for a very unpleasant listening experience. And a lot of the music is like this, being just an assault on the ears. The one real exception to this is the track “Into the Mind” made by one Toby Fox, presumably before he made Undertale and was doing freelance work. (He has since deleted his tweet promoting it. Screenshot of the tweet here, courtesy of @GameTheoryRejects.) The audio in general is poor, with irritating sound effects, occasional distorted audio that’s supposed to be scary but is so poorly done that it just hurts to listen to, and voice acting that’s lackluster at best and utterly emotionless at worst.

Gameplay:

Full disclosure: I did not personally play the game. But just looking at it shows how irritating, slow, clunky, and repetitive it is. Each character has a minigame that you play in order to attack, defend, use special attacks, and even run away. These minigames, unlike in something like the Mario & Luigi series, are slow, drawn-out, and completely break up the flow of the fight. And none of the other characters matter then anyway, because turns out if you max out your LUK stat, you can use a particular move that hits all enemies and completely one-shot them from critical damage. (And this move can even glitch out the game in some cases!) The menus are crowded and visually uninteresting, making everything sort of meld together. (Another minor criticism: YIIK has a tendency to put the player in unwinnable fights. You are never aware of what fights are winnable and which fights are designed to kill you. More on this later.)

Speaking of gameplay, the leveling system is... bizarre and tedious. You get EXP, but you don’t gain the ability to level up (yes that is an ability you have to gain) until a couple hours into the game. Leveling up is done in the Mind Dungeon, which you access from save points, and you have to go through doors that increase the stats you assign it. There are four doors per floor, and when you go to the next floor, you and all of your teammates (even if you haven’t met them in-game) level up. Sounds simple, right? Well. It’s slow and repetitive, and NOTHING HAPPENS. You walk in a door. You walk out the door. Rinse and repeat for 70 floors. (280 doors, by the way.) Here’s GrandmaParty doing this for an hour to get an idea of the tedium that this induces. You get to play a minigame when you banish certain enemies, but that serves less as ‘spicing up the gameplay’ and more of ‘adding more steps to this already-boring section.’

So to recap: Flat characters, word-salad plot, painful prose flat-out ugly graphics, backwards gameplay and leveling system.

Tl;dr: Game bad. Don’t buy it.

... This ends the non-spoiler portion of the review. And also the section where we start to talk about some... sensitive topics.

As such, I am going to issue a legitimate trigger warning: the following pieces talk about suicide/depression in detail, as well as physical & domestic abuse situations.

And a small content warning for those who aren’t legitimately triggered by these subjects but still feel uncomfortable reading about the following: homophobia/transphobia; sexism; racism; and the actual use of a real-life woman’s death as a plot device. No I am not fucking kidding about that last one.

So. Let’s get into the real shit about YIIK.

Spoiler Review

Plot:

Let’s start with the plot. There isn’t really a driving force for this plot; initially, it’s finding Semi “Sammy” Pak (well, everyone except Rory says “Park,” even though all of the written lines say “Pak,” so that’s great) after she is taken by mysterious figures. However, as the game progresses, the search becomes less about finding Sammy until she’s just a footnote, and becomes more about... meandering around the world going from one goal to another while fighting things. (The game points this out, but self-awareness doesn’t excuse the fact that it happens. Especially considering the upcoming plot points...)

Then the metaphysics start--people have been trying to decipher this world’s rules for a while with little success, so bear with me, I’m going to try to make as much sense of what we’re given as possible.

There exists a “place between places“ known as the Soul Space. It exists between parallel realities. A person can actually will themself into the Soul Space via... depression? One character, Vella, says that another character, Rory, left his body when he “surrendered himself to his misery” following the death of his younger sister, and explained herself that she fell into a deep depression as well before entering the Soul Space... but it’s not dying? Or it can be? Here Rory asks The Essentia 2000 oh we’ll get to her don’t you worry if dying means you enter the Soul Space. She says that it’s complicated. Her explanation boils down to, “if you care only about material goods and not about your bonds, when you die, you will cease to exist. If you don’t care about materialistic goods when you die, then ehhhhh???”

Also, if your reality is destroyed but you go into the Soul Space, you can become a Soul Survivor (aka the not-Starmen, seen in the cutscene with Vella and Rory linked above) and get stuck in other’s realities as you try to find a physical body. Also, people share a Soul across parallel realities--meaning, parallel versions of yourself would share the same Soul. But they’re not the same people. They have different lives, races, genders, names, but they share the same “Soul.” Only one person with that “Soul” can exist in a reality at a time, hence the form that the Soul Survivors take if they enter a reality where another person with that “Soul” lives. If, however, that person with your “Soul” is no longer in that reality, you can retake physical form and essentially take their place--though not as them, but as you.

And if you go into the Soul Space you apparently understand the secrets of the universe and are beyond normal human follies.

Confused yet? Me too, and I wrote this damn thing. The worldbuilding is so vague, and the players aren’t given set rules that the world plays by. Even when the more surrealist elements of the game start to appear, there should still be rules. Perhaps nonsensical rules, but rules nonetheless. Instead we get talk about Souls and parallel realities, scenes of bright colors and strange imagery that never gets explained or really acknowledged (other than a mention of them being “breaks in reality” like, once), and some plot twists that imply... a lot.

Let’s talk about the characters before we get to the ending.

Characters

Besides Alex, there are five major characters in YIIK:

Michael, who is Alex’s childhood friend and who doesn’t really have much relevance between the beginning and the end of the game. No, really, for the middle portion of the game, he doesn’t really do anything. He hangs around, that’s about it. He gains relevance again during the end of the game where he goes into the Soul Space and becomes Proto-Michael, and that... happens, I guess. I think it contributes to the revelation later on about reality breaking.

Vella is... a strange character. A strange character forced to contradict herself because the plot demands it. She’s shown to be a character who takes no shit, but also bends at the first flimsy apology Alex gives her. She is compassionate to someone like Rory, but spends most of her time calling out Alex. (And yet, somehow, they fall in love???) These notes I took previously on Vella’s first appearance show how what kind of walking contradiction that Vella is as a character:

”Stop creeping on me while i’m at work”

”Okay I’ll go to the house of two strangers who i just accused of perving on me, in the middle of my work shift, to look at these pictures of me on this website i’ve never heard of that can’t go wrong”

”So let me tell you about this traumatizing experience i had with a supernatural creature, saying how emotional and painful it was without any emotion in my voice”

”also i’m not going to tell you how I got to where the supernatural creature was because it’s very personal and I don’t know you and revealing that would make me vulnerable”

”By the way I’m going to give you my number as well as this other number for a training dungeon basically because I like you two”

... yeah,

Rory is probably my favorite character out of this dreck, and he deserves so, so much better than being in this shit. He’s a quiet scene kid who initially gets roped into the plot with the disappearance of his 12-year-old sister--turns out, however, that she killed herself, and Rory struggles with the resulting grief, trauma, and depression that follows. He’s a sweet kid who’s a pacifist, is teaching himself how to make games, knows a lot of random bits of information about many things, and overall deserves so much better than this game. Sorry Allansons you’ve lost your Rory privileges he is My son now

Claudio and Chondra... are just kind of there? Claudio’s a stereotypical weeb. Chondra is the “sassy black girl”/little sister type (which is later revealed to be even stranger, because she’s apparently a graduate student). They don’t have much outside of that, and that’s a shame, since they had a lot of potential to be really good. However, they also seem a bit... tacked on and included for diversity’s sake, as both of them mention racism at some point, and... yeah. The game isn’t very graceful with that topic, as I’ll soon get into.

There is also the character of Panda, who appears out of nowhere in the factory/hotel and is never questioned. It becomes very clear that he’s a figment of Alex’s imagination, and is Alex personifying him as his sort of “conscious“ when he is, in reality, only a stuffed bear. He only talks when Alex is alone. A lot of people really don’t like him, but I will admit that I got mildly emotional when he drifted away in space near the end--but only because I myself make stuffed animals and dolls, so nearly any stuffed animal holds a place in my heart. However, I can very much see why people wouldn’t like him at all.

Anyway.

The Fucking Ending:

So everyone just kind of meanders around for the middle portion of the game until surprise! On New Years’ Eve the world is going to be destroyed. Not just the world--the entire reality. And it’s going to be Alex’s fault, somehow. Also Sammy--who Alex becomes obsessed with--Vella--who is an explicit love interest for Alex--and an android--the previously-mentioned The Essentia 2000, who Alex has a dream about and immediately becomes infatuated--with all turn out to be the same person! Why pick between love interests when they can all just turn out to be the same person?! Also, Sammy was taken by apparent demons because her Soul was in the process of going into the Soul Space, and the creatures the took her were actually the other 2/3rds of her Soul that had already gone into the Soul Space and they were just collecting the last piece. I think.

The game turns into a watered-down version of Persona 3, where you have about a month--from Thanksgiving until New Years’ Eve--to train and get strong enough to stop whatever is going to destroy reality. (The actual Y2K thing is mentioned about halfway through and serves little relevance other than to mark when the end of the world is, since Y2K isn’t actually the cause of the world ending). Then there are some weird plot twists about how reality has been breaking for a long while (this was briefly foreshadowed in Alex going to Michael’s house only to be told that Michael doesn’t live there, and then going to another house where Michael is) and it makes a lot of things really confusing?? And then New Years’ Eve comes where everything is really breaking. Turns out the end of this reality is caused by a meteor with Alex’s face on it a la the moon from Majora’s Mask, no I am not fucking kidding. And it moves around like an inflatable arm-flailing tube man, no I am not fucking kidding.

And then everyone dies. No, really, this is an unwinnable fight. You die. Your entire party dies. Their reality is destroyed.

Alex wanders around the Soul Space for a while until he finds other versions of himself, and various “dark versions” merge together to create the Proto-Comet (’proto’ being the suffix to describe the end product of parallel selves merging together to form one entity). Alex follows the comet around as it destroys reality after reality until...

He finds one that hasn’t been attacked.

And gueeeeeeess what?

You, the player, are a parallel version of Alex. So he enlists you and another party of parallels (using the names you were supposed to input in the beginning) to destroy Proto-Alex. Here, you meet a spectre who is very obviously Sammy Pak, and she says that she’s sorry that Essentia “used her to get to you,” and you hug her.

Eventually you do get to Proto-Alex, as well as a different form of Essentia. Turns out that Essentia lied to you about Sammy and Vella--turns out, Essentia IS you. Well, Essentia is part of Alex, and she tricked Alex into destroying Proto-Alex in order to free herself from the “Soul” that they share. So you can choose to fight Proto-Alex, and if you do, you lose. Again. The boss fight in unwinnable.

And then this... really weird section happens with the character of Roy from Two Brothers, Ackk Studios’ previous game that got pulled from Steam due to bugginess and crashing. Roy basically says that people were “trying to stop his quest” (aka critics) and that Alex shouldn’t give up. (Note that this is a complete non-sequitur to anyone who doesn’t know who Roy is, where he came from, or the story behind the game being pulled.)

After that, you control both the player avatar given and Alex in order to “unplug” Proto-Alex and Essentia, which will make them “whole”? It basically means that all the versions of Alex will merge together into you, the player.

Then the game ends.

At least. Kind of. There’s more than one ending.

But... we’ll get back to that in a bit.

There are many questions the game raises without answers. Why was Sammy bleeding and screaming for the Soul Survivors not to take her because “you promised you wouldn’t move me again!”? Who actually is Vella? Why did no one question Essentia and Vella being in the same space if it was already said that they couldn’t be? Who actually is Sammy? Why is she a ghost and not a Soul Survivor? Why were Proto-Alex and the other “dark Alex”-es trying to destroy realities? Why does Proto-Alex look different than the other Alex-es, who look relatively similar? Who actually was the voice on the phone--it was implied to be Proto-Michael, but he didn’t exist when those phone calls were made? Is Claudio and Chondra’s missing younger brother actually a version of Alex, as this clip implies (esp. w/ the anime shirt)?

Good luck getting answers, because we sure as hell don’t get any.

Also--glad to know that the entire month of training that you spent the latter half of the game doing was all for naught, since the last two major fights you’re in are unwinnable. There are four minibosses to fight, so it isn’t all for nothing, but still. You don’t even get the satisfaction of killing the final boss. You pull a lever and he and Essentia get weirdly electrocuted.

One more thing: the twist of “Essentia lied to you” made a metric fuckton of exposition in her Mind Dungeon utterly pointless, and also feels like a flimsy excuse to absolve Alex of blame for the shitty actions of his parallel selves--more on that later.

So let’s touch on some controversy now that we have gone over the rest of this incoherent mess of a plot.

Elisa Lam

One of the most famous controversies of YIIK is the use of Elisa Lam’s death to propel the story. This is true--the creator admits that he “was very moved” by Lam’s death.

For those not in the know, let me give you a brief summary of the case of Elisa Lam. (Yes this is going to be primarily from Wikipedia but it also has news sources cited for it.) Elisa Lam was a 21-year-old Chinese-Canadian student who was reported missing at the beginning of February 2013. On February 17th, the workers at the Cecil Hotel in Los Angeles (where Lam was visiting) discovered her nude body in one of the hotel’s water tanks after guests complained about the taste of the water. The police released footage of Lam, from the day of her disappearance, acting strangely in an elevator, appearing to be hiding from something, pressing elevator buttons, and gesturing and talking to no one. There was controversy surrounding her death, as people wondered how she could have locked herself in the water tank, and how the police could rule her death as accidental. People have suspected that it was due to paranormal activity that she was acting like that, or others said that she could have been having hallucinations (as Lam was diagnosed with bipolar and depression). Her death was quickly spread through internet circles as some paranormal myth.

YIIK incorporates this as a huge part of its starting plot.

Semi “Sammy” Pak is very clearly inspired by Elisa Lam. The two bear striking resemblance to one another, being young Asian women in their early twenties with straight black hair (even parted in the same place)--and this photo from the LA Times shows that Lam wore rounded glasses, like the ones Sammy wears. (Lam is Chinese-Canadian, while Sammy is stated to be Koren-American. Sammy is also 23 when Lam was 21.)

This photoset from JamJamJamJamuel shows the biggest criticism of YIIK: the recreation of the elevator video. It’s obvious by the angle and some of Sammy’s movements that this was, in fact, meant to emulate the elevator video of Lam. The game also shows that people are less concerned about Sammy as a person and more about the mystery of the elevator, like the internet stopped caring about Lam as a person and more of a supernatural myth.

However, there’s more than just this.

There’s a weird... almost fetishistic nature when the in-game protagonist talks about Sammy. Alex describes his meeting with her as “intimate” (they met for like. an hour), calls her “my Sammy” when comparing his story to the story of the news, says that he “misse[s] her. I didn’t know her really, but I felt like I did.” And the very next line is uh. “In the unreal twilight hours, in-between sleep and waking, she slipped into my dreams, got tangled in my thoughts, like the blankets tangled between my legs, her brain melting with mine.”

... Gross, to say the least.

And yes, by the way, Sammy basically becomes a love interest. That’s not completely disrespectful and disgusting to the actual human woman that the devs never met or anything at aaaaaaaall.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE.

Rory basically goes on to describe a “creepy urban myth” about the water tower near his town. You can imagine what that leads to. It’s a beat-by-beat retelling of the finding of Elisa Lam’s body, except they make it a “nameless girl,” and the writers basically insert their opinions of how it was definitely a murder and the police called it an accident.

More tasteless than a fucking saltine.

OH BUT WAIT THERE’S EVEN MORE.

Near the end of the game, you find the ghost of Sammy Pak. Since she’s not a part of Essentia, it seems that Essentia used her form to get to Alex. She says that she’s sorry and that she’s going to go back ‘home’ now, and you hug her.

But that’s not even the worst of it.

Allow me to tell you about the second ending.

Second Ending:

YIIK has more than one ending--both are considered canon. Ending 1 is the one described above.

Ending 2, however...

Just before leaving the house for the last time, in order to get this second ending, you have to look at the computer in Alex’s house and read this post. It implies that you need to go find Sammy. (It also has some things to say about postmodernism but that’s for another day.)

You go outside... and she’s hiding behind a tree outside your house. No I’m not kidding. (Granted, this is the part of the game where reality is beginning to break apart, so.) She also says “I love you” which, given her “inspiration” by Elisa Lam... yeah. That’s not creepy and tasteless at all. And it also doesn’t make any FUCKING SENSE BECAUSE ALEX KNEW HER FOR AN HOUR AND NEVER SAW HER AGAIN.

Okay, okay, anyway, if you go back into the house and leave through the back entrance, you’ll be taken to the world map. Your destination is the KNN--the Korean News Network, where Sammy had been employed before she vanished. The faceless NPCs only refer to Alex as the name you put in at the beginning of the game, so presumably, everyone from this point forward is now talking to you, the player. (Also everything is pink. Really pink. For no real reason unless it’s “””symbolic””” of something?) You wander around for a bit, doing menial tasks, until you finally get to a pink version of the room you first met Sammy in. She calls you on a phone and tells you that she’s sorry for dragging you into this mess (because Alex/the player went looking for Sammy in the first place), and that she “has a solution” to prevent Essentia from using Alex any more.

You find yourself in front of an elevator, the same elevator that you rode with Sammy when she disappeared. She calls you on the phone again and says that if you go through the elevator doors, there’s no turning back. If you step through, you see the spectre of Sammy again, and she wants to show you where she’s been. You hug her, and she says that she’s so glad that she met you, “even if it was just a game. We’ll be together in your waking reality one day, I’m sure of it. For all I know, we may already be.”

... Roll credits!

No. Seriously. That’s the second ending. You, the player, (presumably) go into the Soul Space with Sammy for eternity, and Sammy basically gives you a love confession (after all she says “I love you” before anyway).

Need I remind you all that she is based off of a REAL-LIFE WOMAN WHO DIED THAT NEITHER OF THE ALLANSONS KNEW?!

Hi, yes, sorry, I’m fucking livid about this. Not just because of the disgusting use of a real-life woman’s death in your game, not just because they fetishized her and turned her into a love interest, not just one of the endings--which is a canon ending--had her telling you she loves you and having you go off with her...

... but because this game has been in development since 2013.

Elisa Lam wasn’t even dead for a fucking year.

Yes, other media has cropped up about Lam’s death, and I think it’s just as tacky and tasteless as this. But these guys had so much time to change it, to have someone say “hey maybe you shouldn’t do that,” and it happened anyway. The sheer lack of respect that the Allansons have for not just Lam but also her still-grieving family is astonishing, and it genuinely makes me sick. My thoughts and condolences to the family of Elisa Lam, having to deal with the press, internet conspirators, and people like this. I hope that they all can still find some sense of peace, even with all of this going on.

Racism:

So this game can be really, really fucking racist sometimes. Let’s start with the more explicit dialogue.

In the very beginning, Sammy calls Alex a ginger, and he says “that’s our word.” He’s equating “ginger” to a derogatory slur.

Here’s the next instance, with Alex referring to Vella--an Asian woman--as “vaguely ethnic” and “exotic.” (He doesn’t face consequences for this, either. Just a slap on the wrist of “don’t talk about race.”)

Later on, Chondra talks about race in an actually not that bad rant about how “I bet if [my brother] had been a beautiful white woman, everyone would have cared that he vanished.” This actually is somewhat insightful, as... well, it’s rather true. POC, when it comes to investigations, are often pushed aside, ignored, or given the least amount of effort. And then Chondra also calls out Alex’s lowkey racist fantasy of “being the white knight swooping in and saving the exotic Korean girl.” However... that’s it. Alex doesn’t get any insight from that, or rethink his reasons on why he wants to save Sammy.

And that’s where we get into Claudio and Chondra and the more implicit racism in the game. Neither of them have much in terms of personality--Claudio likes anime, Chondra is there for quips. Neither of them have any significant arcs, nor do they serve much story purpose beyond being extra party members and talking about race--which feels racist in and of itself, just to have characters of color there to talk about race. (Claudio even goes into an extensive rant about how it’d be racist to think that he knows how to pick locks, but he does know how to pick locks, just not the type that they need open. It comes out of nowhere, is utterly unwarranted, and is completely against the rather chill persona that Claudio has had up until then.) Their characters had a lot of potential to be good! However, much like every other character, they’re very underdeveloped.

(Also, if you have either Claudio or Chondra in your party when you get attacked by cop enemies, they will only shoot at either of them, you know, the only black characters in the main party, and my god I wish I was kidding.)

And then... the love interests.

Sammy is a Korean woman. Vella is an Asian woman of unknown descent. The Essentia 2000 has shown that many of her parallel lives are women of color. All of them are love interests for Alex, the white hero. Yeah. And the game calls it out, but no actual repercussions are given!

Speaking of these ladies...

Sexism

This game is really fucking sexist. Like, genuinely, it’s really sexist.

I think a lot of Vella’s contradictory character comes from this sexism and seeing her as a love interest rather than a character. Though she calls out Alex and is upset with him most of the time, she still accepts his weak apologies very easily--apologies that seem very manipulative and insincere when almost immediately after, Alex tries to convince her to let him into her Mind Dungeon, and if you take that as a metaphor than it gets even worse.

As well, Vella’s backstory includes her being used by a much-older man. What can you do after she tells this traumatic story about her being used by a man? Kiss her. And she doesn’t even get upset or angry with you; she just blushes and says to head back to the others. Because that’s not gross and manipulative or anything. That’s not taking advantage of a vulnerable woman at ALL.

The only female characters of importance that aren’t lusting after Alex are his mom and Chondra--I’ve already mentioned that Chondra has little story importance and personality, and Alex sees his mom as nagging for asking him to get groceries, gets angry at her when she says that she lost her job and asks him to get one to support the house (please note that she paid for his and his sister’s college educations in full, including semesters she didn’t plan for), and gets annoyed with her freaking out when he went missing for five days.

So yeah. The game doesn’t have the highest view of women.

But let’s talk specifically about Essentia. Essentia mentions that Alex has hurt her in parallel realities--but it’s okay, because they’re parallel versions, not actually him! And Essentia reveals that Alex’s parallel was the person who hurt Vella! But it’s okay, because she’ll love him unconditionally no matter how much he hurts her. It’s... really reminiscent of domestic abuse. And it frankly doesn’t matter that Essentia turns out to be a part of Alex and that any of the story of Vella or Sammy isn’t true; the game frames it as perfectly okay that it might have happened. It’s okay that parallel versions of Alex have hurt parallel versions of Essentia, because she loves him. It’s incredibly twisted, and it’s honestly a dangerous message to be sending.

(Also, in a very weird instance of sexism against men, out of all of the parallel selves that Essentia shows Alex, the only man is extremely hostile and violent towards Alex. It’s... kind of weird, honestly.)

Depression/Suicide:

Oh boy. Oh fucking boy.

A little background on myself.

I’m two years into my undergrad for a Psychology/Criminology double major. Classes I have taken include classes about pathologies of the mind and mental health (Psychopathology of Childhood, Developmental Psychology, Personality Psychology, Seminar on Positive Psychology, and of course Basic Psychology to be specific). I have also been clinically diagnosed with anxiety/depression, and both of these are genetically based, meaning that I have lived with them my whole life and will continue to live with them. (I am medicated, for anyone wondering. The meds are the only way I can function at a normal level.) I have felt suicidal before, I have had friends who have been suicidal before, and I have talked others down from self-harm or suicide. I’m not an expert, but I know a thing or two about mental health, depression, and suicide.

This game... this game doesn’t fucking get it at all.

(Just a quick thing: the game makes an OCD joke. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder jokes aren’t funny, folks, since people who have it are affected by it all the time to the point of it often being debilitating. Just wanted to mention it a) to give you an idea on how the game handles mental health and b) because it really doesn’t fit anywhere else.)

Most of this surrounds the character of Rory, as he clearly suffers from depression and suicidal thoughts, as well as feeling grief surrounding his sister’s own suicide. When this is revealed, you know what Vella says to “comfort” him? “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. I understand what you were feeling. 'This depression is unbearable.' 'I can't take it anymore.' The 'depression/pain' part is an unavoidable reality, but whether or not you can overcome it is up to you. You decide if you're going to keep going. Your sister is dead. Nothing can change that. [...] You can't help but feel the pain, but you can get through the suffering. That will go away. Look, I understand that it's easy for me to say. I'm not the one whose sister is dead. But you have to understand that I am telling you the true reality of the situation. You're playing with some otherworldly dangers here!“

Let me break this down to show you why this is not something to say to someone who is traumatized and in a deep depression due to the loss of a loved one.

“[W]hether or not you can overcome it is up to you.” This puts full responsibility of overcoming grief and depression onto the person suffering from it, which is not okay, and not true. Rory lost his 12-year-old sister to suicide! Very recently in the game’s timeline, as well!

Vella is basically telling him “it’s your job to get over your grief and depression.” Putting full responsibility on someone for feeling depression and grief is disgusting. If someone is grieving, what they should do is reach out. If they aren’t, reach out to them. Don’t let them suffer alone. Suffering like this is not a choice. People don’t choose to suffer.

By saying that suffering is “optional,” it subtly blames the person suffering for their own suffering, which makes their chances of getting better plummet. So frequently will people suffering from mental disorders put the blame on themselves for “not trying hard enough” or “being broken” or “not being good enough” because they think that this is all their own fault, and they won’t seek help, because “it’s all my fault.”

Now, when someone is in recovery? Yes, they should definitely try--even if it’s in small bits at a time--to to learn to cope with their disorders in healthy ways. However, when in recovery, the person is assisted by therapists, friends, family, and possibly medications. They aren’t alone. They aren’t alone, and are often guided by those who know how to help them and want to help them. The responsibility isn’t pushed solely onto them. One doesn’t “get over” being depressed. They learn to cope. They learn to accept it as a part of them, rather than all of them, and learn that they are more than their depression. The suffering never truly goes away; it can lessen, though, and a person can learn to live with it.

Some people may defend this by saying that the Allansons lost their mother very recently, and this is how they handle their grief. I lost my father in February of last year. I know this type of grief. And just because that’s how they handle their grief, that doesn’t mean it’s a healthy way of coping, nor the type of coping mechanism you should promote in your game. (I will admit that my own methods of coping weren’t great, and that I’m trying to improve on that now.) There’s a quote that I heard somewhere that goes something like, “grief never really goes away. We just learn to live with it.” That suffering doesn’t ‘go away.’ It ebbs and flows, some days being bearable, and other days not.

But that’s not the end, friends. Oh, far from it.

At one point, you can flat-out tell Rory to “stop being depressed. Being depressed is a choice.” It is noted to be the “wrong” choice, however, Rory barely reacts to it, making it not seem like the wrong decision. I don’t feel like I need to explain why “depression is a choice” is a take colder than the depths of space. Depression’s not a choice, folks. Hell, I would love it if it was, I would love to stop the fatigue, the emptiness, the lethargy, the lack of motivation, the irritability, the messed-up appetite, the fucked-up sleep patterns, the fits of crying. That would be fucking great. But I can’t. BECAUSE IT’S NOT A CHOICE, YOU WALNUT.

Okay, okay, sorry, back on topic. So let’s say you’re mean to Rory. You wanna know what happens?

He kills himself. And according to this user, the story doesn’t change and barely acknowledges Rory after his death. (Obviously there’s not footage out there of the characters mentioning that Rory committed suicide. However, the developers themselves commented on the previously-linked Steam forum post confirming its legitimacy. This is so unbelievably fucked up. Suicide is already a topic that should be handled with care, but having a main character commit suicide and have that death have no impact on the story? I don’t even have words for how deplorable that is. (Doesn’t help that the game basically pushes whether Rory lives or dies onto the player, which is also disgusting, because I don’t think the developers had the insight into suicidal ideation to know that it’s a multitude of factors that lead to suicide, and not just one person being )

(Sidenote: here are the links to the National Suicide Prevention Line and the Crisis Text Line in case anyone needs them. Please take care, friends. <3)

[Addendum: as I was working on this review and listened to the podcast linked a little further down, Andrew Allanson had this to say at 2:08:47: "When you make an unlikable character, people expect Sherlock Holmes or Dr. House. They want flawed heroes, but only to the extent that they’re beautiful and intelligent and slightly Asperger-y."

Thank you for basically saying that having Asperger’s Syndrome is an unlikable trait or makes people unlikable.]

Anti-LGBTQ+

So let’s talk about the prejudice against non-straight and non-cis people!

Andrew Allanson has been rather fucking clear about his prejudice against trans people and non-straight people. In the “The Dick Show” podcast, starting at 1:45:45, Andrew Allanson was interviewed by the commentators. I will be providing timestamps of quotes since I can’t directly link to them.

(Sidenote: I was listening to this podcast and waiting for Andrew’s pa rt to start, and one of the commentators was talking about Women’s History Month, and saying “If a woman doesn’t have a man, she’s going to expect the government to be her man. That’s just the way they’re wired.” [1:44:24 - 1:44:31].  Yeah. That tells you the type of people who run this podcast and the type of people that Andrew decides to associate himself with.)

[1:52:15 - 1:52:] “... we made the mistake of asking the player, ‘what name did your parents give you?’ And it turns out that that is a very offensive question. Because some people, um, are trans, and don’t use the name their parents gave them. So immediately the game is targeted as being transphobic. [...] So we wanted to basically create a character off of the player in the game, the first thing we ask you ‘are you a boy or a girl,’ ‘what’s your name’, and people were so bent out of shape over this. Look, I’m sympathetic to trans people, I understand why it upset them. But the problem was when we apologized, that wasn’t good enough. People then took it and said ‘what else can we find in this game to prove that it’s offensive?’”

So here’s the thing: that... is lowkey transphobic? Because it’s like you said, these people don’t use the names that their parents gave them. You’re asking them, intentionally or not, to deadname themselves. There’s a reason they call it a “deadname.”

Later on they ask, “which of these do you identify with?” and show a male figure and a female figure. Which frankly, is alright.

And then they changed it in an update to “what do you look like?” which feels like a very direct jab at trans people, especially the ones who were upset by the initial question relating to names.

Oh, and then there’s this part (I only know DIck and Andrew’s voices, I’m afraid I don’t know the third, sorry m8).

[1:54:35 - 1:55:10]

Andrew: So you play as this guy, Alex, you just come home from [college, audio cut out here], you’re an entitled asshole--

Dick: You get points for stomping queers, as I understand it, that’s the game, right? You go around and--

Andrew: The goal is to establish the white ethnostate.

[unintelligible as others laugh and talk over each other]

Dick: --you have a little ‘gaydar’ in the corner and it points you to the nearest homosexual, and then you go, y‘know, “Hammer [X]”

Andrew: It’s - it’s - yeah, it’s a hack-and-slash.

Dick: If you buy the game they send you a special overlay you can put on your controller that turns all the buttons into ‘K.’ So it’s not ‘A’--

Andrew: Yes!

Dick: --Just ‘K,’ ‘K,’ and ‘K.’

Andrew: Just ‘K,’ ‘K’--yeah, exactly, exactly.

So we not only have the mockery of gay folk, but also mention of murdering them (whether in a joking fashion or not, this still isn’t fucking funny and not something to joke about, especially if you are not LGBTQ+ yourself. And to my knowledge, none of these men are).

And that’s just from the creator himself, as well as the first few minutes of the game.

Let’s talk bout The Scene.

What is The Scene? Well, it’s the scene where Alex and Rory talk, where you can tell Rory that “depression is a choice.” Should you be kind and supportive to him, you know what you can do? “Try to kiss [him.]” And there’s art for it. There is literally no reason for this to be here other than “haha it’s a guy trying to kiss another guy, gay people are funny!” It seems to be an attempt at humor, but it fails... rather miserably.

The Legendary Third Ending

I call it “legendary” because no one knows if it actually exists or not, because people can’t find it, regardless of the hints given by the developers.

Andrew, while doing “The Dick Show” interview, mentions that he put DIck Masterson (the host of the show) into the game in the third update [1:45:56] , and that you have to give Dick a pair of aviator glasses, where he will give you a red pill [1:47:15 - 1:47:33]. Dick is also found in Chapter 4 of the game [1:47:40].

The devs also tease it on Twitter, saying that it’s “sad and challenging to complete”, and they give vague and unclear hints that don’t seem to help even the fans of the game--after all, no one has found it, apparently. Even the YIIK Discord (though this is just hearsay) has been losing steam in trying to find this ending.

I think it’s a testament to the quality of the game when one of your major three endings is nigh-impossible to find. (For the record, I feel the same way about how PT went about its ending, and how arbitrary it felt to do these very specific things that the game barely tells you about.)

Miscellaneous Other Things That Don’t Fit In The Above

There are a couple other things that irk me about this game, so time for a rapid-fire round!

You can kiss Rory, who’s implied to be a senior in high school (due to this talk of college). So he’s, at best, 18. Alex had 5 and a half years of college (the game says “five and a quarter” but unless I’m mistaken colleges work in semesters not quarters,), so he’s probably 23-24. Yeah. (There’s also the issue of consent--when you kiss Vella she just blushes and acts more docile, while with Rory, he rather vehemently rejects it. So women just accept an unwanted kiss? Hm.)

You fight a flasher as a miniboss. Because sexual harassment is hilarious. (And if neither Michael nor Rory are 18 yet, then there’s the possibility of minors being involved. YEAH.)

The title card is intentionally glitchy af and it hurts the eyes, honestly.

If you go through New Game+ and go to the 70th floor of the Mind Dungeon, Alex will basically talk to himself about some things:

It mentions that “crows are ugly.” You fool. You absolute buffoon. Crows? Excellent. Very intelligent birbs.

This is basically “hey we suck, but so does everyone around us, it’s fine”

This game unironically uses Wonderwall lyrics in an emotional scene, like I know it was popular and not a meme in the 90s but my guy, you gotta think about the connotations with the audience you’re releasing this for,

“I sighed as the elevator began to shake, vibrating with motion.” Thank you for using three words to describe the elevator shaking,

The One Thing That I Liked

Surprisingly, there is something I liked about this game. Not solely in concept, not in its potential, but in its actual execution.

It starts on the day of New Years’ Eve. It’s dark outside and inside. Alex suddenly starts getting many random calls, some from people he knows, others he doesn’t. Some voices are distorted, some aren’t. Some are talking to him, some aren’t. And they’re quick little calls before they hang up, and Alex barely says a word. He can’t leave the house, and keeps getting phone calls that get more and more distorted as time goes on.

That? I think that actually really works.

It’s a more subtle way of showing reality breaking: getting calls from people, both friends and strangers, that are slowly getting more and more broken, and you can’t do anything. You’re trapped in your house, you can’t see outside, you don’t know what’s going on. You can’t help your friends, even when Michael screams for your help. The slowly deteriorating stability of the calls are your only indication of what’s going on outside.

And for me, that works. It was the one section of the game that I felt legitimately invested in. So, kudos to the devs for that one.

Conclusion

YIIK isn’t just bad. It’s offensive. It’s ignorant, it handles serious topics incredibly clumsily, and the worst of it is that Andrew Allanson considers it to be ‘art.’ (If you’re wondering why I didn’t talk about the “video games aren’t art” quote, don’t worry. That’s going to be its own essay.)

YIIK fails on every level, from technical to storytelling. Please, I beg of you, don’t give this game money. Just go watch the LP.

You may have noticed that I didn’t talk much about the “postmodern” aspect of the game, nor much about Alex as a protagonist.

Both of those are going to be their own separate essays.

This wild ride still ain’t over, folks. Hang on.

[eternalstereksecretsanta]

Where Our Story Begins

@fear-frost | AO3 | This is not precisely what you asked for, but I hope you’ll enjoy it either way, I definitely enjoyed writing it :)

Explicit (though this only applies to part VI)

It all started with the kelpie even if that wasn’t what it was.

I

It all started with the kelpie.

Well, to be precise it all started back when he was 16 and had dragged Scott into the woods, but considering the clusterfuck that had turned out to be – with kanimas and evil grandpas not to mention the animosity between them all and whatnot – Stiles usually tended to ignore those few years when telling the story.

So – it started with the kelpie. And whatever was a kelpie even doing in a goddamn forest in the first place, is what Stiles would very much like to know. Or, he would have if he wasn’t just a little preoccupied fricking drowning! But he was, so he missed what had probably been an epic battle of the pack taking down the ginormous horse creature only to come to on an all too familiar (and all too cold, too) steel table, looking up into the alpha’s worried eyebrows. Admittedly all of Derek is probably worried but his eyebrows seem to be the only part of him actually willing to admit it.

Turns out the kelpie isn’t as much dead

“It wasn’t a kelpie, Stiles,” Lydia snaps at him. “Then what was it?” he asks, mind already going in a million different directions trying to remember every bit of lore he’s ever read concerning either horse-like creatures or creatures wanting to drown some poor, unsuspecting guy minding his own business. Every thought comes to a screeching halt when a heavy hand lands on the nape of his neck and this sort of calm just washes over him. “We don’t know,” Derek grumbles.

as it had just made a strategic retreat in the light of being massively outnumbered; though why it would isn’t very clear considering nothing the pack did had seemed to do any sort of permanent damage, but Stiles isn’t really in the mood for analyzing the reasoning of some unknown entity when it’s suddenly decided that he should have a babysitter.

“I can take care of myself,” he says, outraged that his best friend would throw him under the bus like that. Derek’s gone back to his usual blank expression and Stiles can’t help but wonder if maybe he’d imagined the worry in the first place. Even now after saving each other’s lives several times, making Jackson into a real wolf and getting rid of aforementioned evil grandpa; after prying Boyd, Erica and – surprisingly – Cora Hale from the clutches of the alpha pack (and disposing of them – permanently), Stiles sometimes get the feeling that Derek doesn’t like him, only tolerate his presence in the pack because he’s kind of a prerequisite for Scott staying.

Then there are times where Stiles will unexpectedly turn his head and catch Derek staring at him with something close to fondness in his eyes, times when Derek ducks his head and Stiles is almost a hundred percent certain there’s a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth brought forth by whatever Stiles was doing or saying at the time. Those times Stiles can’t stop his heart from beating a little faster or his palms getting a little sweatier or his mind drifting off into a pleasant daydream, one he’s usually rudely brought out of again by Erica’s snickering and Lydia rolling her eyes while everybody else simply ignore him.

II

Things are once again quiet when they finally mange to get rid of the kelpie

“Still not a kelpie, Stiles,” Lydia says though her voice has the resigned tone of someone who has given up on making the person they’re talking to see reason.

not that any of them really know how, in the end they had simply thrown anything they could think of at the creature and at some point it had sort of just vanished with a ‘plop’ and the smell of rotting flowers. It meant they didn’t have to stay and deal with the corpse and could get the hell away from the stench quickly; small blessings and all that. It also meant that things could get back to normal especially with Derek going back to his own home rather than staying at the Sheriff’s house (so, Stiles had moved back home after college, that’s hardly a crime), and Stiles resolutely did not miss sharing space with the werewolf.

But though things had quieted down considerably since those horrible high school years where it’d felt like they were battling a new monster every week, the Nemeton still attracts the occasional creature so it’s hardly a surprise when the siren shows up. Not that they take one look at the new barista in town and go all body snatcher screechy on her, but when the dust settles on that particular fiasco the pack give each other knowing looks before going off to somewhere that isn’t the house where Derek and Stiles are yelling at each other.

-

It had been a perfectly ordinary Monday. As the newest deputy in Beacon Hills, Stiles was the one tasked with getting the coffee for the rest of the station; a task he’d gleefully accepted as it meant his dad wouldn’t be getting any of those sugary concoctions he’d been drinking at work with the excuse that they were called coffee. As always Stiles had his eyes on his phone and just made his way to the counter where he rattled of the usual order, knowing full well that Edith Wilson had had it written down since before Stiles was born; Beacon Hills sheriff’s department was nothing if not dependable.

It’s the chuckle that has him snap his head up, eyes going wide in shock because if that’s Mrs. Wilson then he would very much like to know where the Fountain of Youth is located these days. There’s something familiar about the woman, both her looks, voice and laugh strikes a chord of recognition in him though he’s certain he’s never laid eyes on her before in his life. He shakes the unsettling feeling and with an awkward chuckle apologizes before repeating the order in a significantly slower tempo giving her time to enter it all on the register.

He’s pleasantly surprised when, while making the different coffees, she strikes up a conversation. Stiles may have gotten more control over his tongue since leaving his teens, but he’s still a proficient rambler and it’s always nice to have a captive audience. The woman smiles and laughs at all the right places, even manages to put in a few questions or remarks of her own, and soon Stiles has forgotten that feeling of having seen her before, engrossed in their conversation as he is.

It’s a few weeks later when he’s doing his grocery shopping and a woman who seems familiar comes up to him and starts talking as if they’re old friends. He spends far too long trying to place her – all his high school friends are in the pack, the ones he made in college are half a country away from Beacon Hills, and Stiles never really was good at making new friends in the first place, which means he could point out every single one of those he do call friends even if it was pitch black inside the store – and at long last his silence make her close her mouth seconds before a sheepish smile stretches her lips, a blush rising on her cheeks that wasn’t there before.

“You don’t remember me,” she says as she laughs a little shyly. Stiles sees no need to argue her statement even if he’s beginning to feel a little bad about it.

“I’d forgotten how different you look without the uniform.” Her smile has lost some of the sheepishness even if Stiles isn’t really any closer to figuring out who she is.

“I’m Kereda. Your friendly neighborhood barista!? And you’re the cop with the funny name who laughs at my lame ass jokes every morning.” By now there’s something hopeful in her expression and Stiles finally recognizes the woman who’s taken over for Mrs. Wilson while the elderly lady is recovering from a broken hip, and as recognition sparks it feels natural to send her a smile in answer to hers and stretch out his hand.

“Yeah, of course,” he chuckles. “And you’re right, it’s like Clark Kent and the glasses.” She laughs and before Stiles is sure what happened he finds himself at the diner, curly fries and milk shake in front of him as he and Kereda are talking the hours away. He’s dimly aware of a phone ringing continuously but it’s all lost in the kaleidoscope of the woman’s eyes; a shiver runs through him as if the temperature has suddenly dropped and out the corner of his eye he sees… no, that can’t be right, how can there be a fifteen foot tree in a diner in Beacon Hills?

Stiles focuses on Kereda’s face – the skin too smooth and with the wrong hue; eyebrows too light and too thin – watches her mouth move, he can’t make out the words but the voice is wrong, something he can’t reconcile with the face before him. And then he hears it, other voices calling his name, howls echoing through the air making it through the fog in his head and he groans when he realizes he’s in the preserve getting dragged towards the lake where he’d nearly drowned barely three months ago.

His wrist is held in an iron grip and though he’s nowhere near as scrawny as he was at sixteen he’s still human and Kereda clearly isn’t, no matter what he tries it’s impossible to get her grip to loosen in the slightest as the steadily nears the edge of the water. The tips of his shoes have almost breached the surface when Derek barrels into the woman claws and teeth out reaching for anything to tear at. There’s a slight hesitation, a fraction of a second as if she thinks it’s not worth the effort but then she lets go of Stiles and turns to meet the threat head on.

The rest of the pack soon descends upon her but not until Stiles has seen the human melt away to be replaced by something that essentially resembles an oversized, beach ball with orange and yellow fur and long, snake like limbs ending in something that might be blades – they leave shallow wounds on the wolves that soon close up again. It’s over almost as soon as it began, Isaac and Boyd dragging the now very dead siren away from the lake presumably to get rid of it while Derek stalks towards Stiles, the wolf receding and with the return of his eyebrows the disapproval is clear on his face.

Stiles opens his mouth to say something in his own defense, but it’s lost in an indignant squawk as Derek bends and lifts him bridal style carrying him off in the direction of the pack house, the others following quietly.

The ensuing screaming match reaches epic proportions, even if Stiles loses on points when he trips over the last step on the stairs; Derek’s chuckle accompanies him all the way to his dreams.

III

The fairy isn’t Stiles’ fault; he’d like everybody to know that. The tiny terror had shown up on the full moon, thrown some sort of dust at Derek, cackled manically and said something that involved a lot of chirping noises nobody could make sense of, before it was gone as abruptly as it had shown up.

Not that anybody was scrambling to find the thing as they were all staring at the alpha and trying to shield their ears from the horrible sound of 206 bones breaking to morph into a different shape. Once the last crack sounds where Derek was just seconds ago there is now a gigantic, black wolf, its eyes a blazing red amidst all the dark fur.

There’s no sound, as if the entire forest is holding its breath; even the wind has stopped blowing and all they can hear is the memory of the leaves rustling and the blood rushing in their veins. As if by agreement it’s Stiles who takes a step forward, reaching his hand towards the wolf, his voice a higher pitch than usual when he says a single word.

“Derek?”

The wolf tilts its head as if wondering why anybody would ask such a silly question and then there’s a tongue slobbering all over Stiles’ hand.

“Okay then,” he says, wiping his hand on his pants with a look of disgust on his face; nostrils flaring when Jackson snorts a laugh at him.

“Screw you…” he starts but is cut off by Derek growling and flashing his teeth at the beta until he bares his throat and takes a few steps back. Puzzled Stiles files the interaction away to be looked at when Derek’s back to his usual self. He takes out his phone and shoots of a quick text to Lydia letting her know what has happened asking her if she could maybe try and get some answers from Deaton. It’s not that Stiles wouldn’t enjoy dragging the cryptic man from his sleep; it’s just that experience has taught him Lydia is far better at getting answers from the man than Stiles is. Then he tells the pack he’s going to head back to the house and start looking through the bestiary and see if there are any answers there.

He leafs through the books in Derek’s library, Peter’s laptop and his personal copy of the Argent bestiary. There’s nothing anywhere to suggest what the fairy had done to Derek or why and aster hours of research with nothing to show for it Stiles falls asleep in the chair he’s sitting in, bend over the desk and with his head resting on the book he took from the shelf two minutes earlier.

Stiles doesn’t even stir when Boyd carries him upstairs and puts him to bed, doesn’t react when the bed dips and a warm body snuggles closer. He sleeps undisturbed, his arms wrapped around a body that at some point loses its canine shape leaving Stiles and Derek to sleep in each other’s arms.

IV

The harpy infestation is nothing but a minor footnote: unpleasant for sure and not something any of them hope happens again, but a footnote nonetheless. The omega who crosses the border three days later, however, is an entire different story.

For starters because it decides to kidnap Scott.

Stiles and Scott had made plans to veg out on the couch playing video games just like they used to before werewolves became something that turned out to be real. It’s a day just for the two of them, no talk of pack or Allison or Derek. So when his best friend isn’t obnoxiously ringing the bell at nine in the morning Stiles knows something is wrong.

Not much has happened since the morning he woke up in Derek’s bed and had snuck out while the man was still asleep, but seeing as that’s months ago maybe they should’ve all been prepared for something to happen soon. He calls Allison, hoping that Scott has simply forgotten their appointment and gotten lost in her dimples (it has happened before); she calmly tells him that Scott had left at eight like he always does when it’s “bro-day”, her voice quivering slightly as she tells him to pick her up on his way to the pack house, she’ll text the others to meet there, too.

The jeep’s the last car to pull up, the pack already gone trying to pick up Scott’s scent. Stiles makes tea, figuring both he and Allison are too keyed up to need coffee right now and Lydia’s on some weird cleanse or diet or something (he’s stopped paying attention to these things, it comes with being her friend rather than her stalker) and only drinks this foul smelling thing; he sticks to jasmine for his and Allison’s though.

It’s noon before the door opens and Derek’s standing there in a pair of running shorts and a sweaty wife beater, making Stiles forget to be worried, at least until he opens his mouth.

“We found blood between your house and the Sheriff’s,” he says, but before his audience has time to panic he thankfully continues.

“It’s just a drop or two, and even if it’s definitely Scott’s it’s not something to worry about.”

Which Stiles is inclined to believe, after all he’s seen his friends practically hemorrhaging their internal organs and they’re still here. He does know about nasty things like vaporized wolfsbane though, so he’s not ready to relax just about yet. As if reading his mind Derek’s suddenly looking him right in the eyes.

“There’s the scent of another werewolf, omega most likely, but nothing else.”

And just like that Stiles feels like he can breathe again.

Derek drives while Allison and Stiles are clinging to each other both worried about Scott but hopeful they’re going to get him back in one piece. The car slows down once they reach the part of town with all the abandoned warehouse, and when it finally stops Derek wordlessly orders them out and motions for them to follow him. About 500 yards away the rest of the pack joins them just before they reach one of the larger buildings.

It’s dark inside and Stiles holds tight onto Derek’s top, knowing the wolf will make sure he doesn’t trip over anything or walk into a wall or something equally noisy. It doesn’t take long, though, to get Scott and his abductor in view. The stranger’s talking but his voice too low for Stiles to make out the words, but the sight of his clawed hands confirms the suspicion that he’s a werewolf so Stiles reaches for the chain around his neck from which hangs a small vial filled with mountain ash. He removes the lid and believes, making an impenetrable barrier between the stranger and Scott.

Once they’ve made sure Scott’s safe and sound Derek orders the lot of them to go home while he waits for Deaton to come question the strange wolf. Stiles takes it as a sign of personal growth when the alpha doesn’t even glare at him when he sits down having decided to keep him company while waiting.

Turns out the guy has a grudge on Peter and for some reason had thought Scott was his beta and could lead him to the man. When Scott had told him he had no idea where Peter is the man hadn’t believed him. Stiles, because he’s a nice guy, gives the man the information he’s after: Peter Hale is currently gallivanting through France with Chris Argent. At the disgusted face the man pulls Stiles nods sagely and says.

“Yeah, I called TMI on them, too,” he smirks, “but at least they left it at the euphemisms.”

When Deaton shows up the stranger is practically in tears and begging to be far aware from both Stiles and Derek, the alpha cracking a smile once they’re out of sight cause Stiles’ heart to go into overdrive and the smile getting replaced by an expression he can’t decipher. Then he turns on his heel and starts running leaving Stiles to drive home by himself.

V

They’d all thought the Nemeton was dead, nothing but an empty shell of its former glory working as a beacon drawing supernatural creatures with ill intent to the town. But Lydia had found an obscure reference and she and Stiles had managed to piece together a ritual to cleanse the tree and make it grow once more.

Neither would ever go into detail but all the wolves had felt their connection to the land and each other strengthen – they’d been surprised realizing that both Peter, Chris, Melissa and the Sheriff were pack, though that had been nothing compared to the humans’ surprise when feeling the pack bonds for the first time – and when they’d gone to see the Nemeton the full moon following the ritual none of them had been the slightest surprised at the sight of thin branches and light green leaves growing from the stump.

And with everything being all peaceful and winter fast approaching Derek probably shouldn’t be surprised when most of the pack showed up on a chilly Saturday morning, bringing boxes filled with decorations and cookie ingredients inside. Soon the house smelt like cinnamon, oranges and cloves, there were fir, festoons, lights and wreaths everywhere and on the mantle of the fireplace hung fourteen stockings each with their owner’s name embroidered.

Sunday was spent decorating outside and by the time the pack declared themselves done Derek was very happy there weren’t anybody living in the preserve; a pair of legs were sticking out the chimney, the lawn was practically invisible beneath the reindeer and the sleigh with the sack of presents not to mention the angels and snowmen and giant letters. Everything, including the entirety of the house, was wrapped in lights. Derek could see white, yellow, red, green and blue, some lights were static others not and some even changed color continuously. It reminded him of Christmases past and looking to his uncle and sister he could see they thought the same even if they were both smiling.

Overwhelmed Derek just stands there taking it all in before suddenly wrapped in a hug by Boyd. Hesitantly he reciprocates which seems to be some kind of sign as the rest of the pack’s suddenly just there and they’re all hugging each other, even Peter and Chris a part of the group in a way they rarely are.

They end the evening in a pizza induced food coma laying around on the furniture and floor of the living room with some movie Stiles picked playing on the tele vision, Derek’s basking in the warmth of pack and the bodies flanking him and doesn’t even fight the tug of sleep.

VI

Stiles’ eyes are glowing amber where the light streaming through the bedroom window hits them just right, his mouth stretched wide on a loving smile and his entire expression soft in a way Derek has never seen; it makes his heart beat faster and his palms sweaty, adrenaline pumping through him though the only thing he dares move is his eyes, raking over the naked body pinned beneath him.

It has taken years to get here and Derek intends to savor the moment for as long as he can. He remembers two boys searching for an inhaler, remembers a human shaking with fear who refused to let him go. For a second he regrets that it has taken them this long, but they’re all brushed away by hands framing his face and long fingers stroking his cheeks; they both needed the time to learn to trust themselves as much as they trusted the other.

The wolf stretches beneath his skin and Derek concedes that he also needed the time to reconnect with the wolf, learning to trust his instincts again.

Besides it hardly matters anymore that they’ve moved towards each other at glacial speed, what matters is that they’re finally here, together. This, them, is still exhilaratingly new that lying here both of them bared to the other’s eyes, should feel like it’s going too fast and while Derek feels like he’s tied to the front of a runaway train he in no way feels like things are going too fast, his senses telling him that Stiles doesn’t think so either.

“You’re sure,” he still asks, needing Stiles to consent with his voice as much as his steady heart beat and intoxicating scent broadcasting nothing but lust, need, want.

“Yeah,” Stiles rasps, pulling Derek’s face closer to his own slotting his lips over the wolf’s. It’s gentle, tentative because even if they’ve kissed a million times by now this feels different, something new they both have to explore together.

Derek gets lost in it, the feel of Stiles’ lips against his own, his tongue swiping his bottom lip before asking for entrance which Derek willingly grants by parting his lips, Stiles mapping the cave of his mouth with the slick muscle. Derek’s holding himself perfectly still but then Stiles groans and he can feel the vibrations of it all the way down to his toes and he needs to see if Stiles tastes as good as he remembers.

Once upon a time Derek thought kissing – sex for that matter – was a battle; but with Stiles it’s like a dance, a push and pull of one leading and the other following before turning and the follower suddenly being in charge.

Maybe it’s seconds or possibly eternities later when Derek pulls himself from Stiles’ mouth placing feather light kisses to the corner of his mouth, his cheek, behind his ear and down his neck where he latches onto the pulse point, worrying the skin there marveling in the broken sounds coming from Stiles’ throat.

Stiles’ skin is warm beneath his hands as Derek tries to touch every bit of skin he can see; he plays connect-the-dots with the moles adorning his chest, combs his fingers through the treasure trail below Stiles’ navel. He marvels at the fact that even though Stiles has bulked up he can still span the width of him with both hands, revels in the way he shivers when Derek rubs his hands up and down his torso.

His thumb catches on Stiles’ right nipple and he’s rewarded with a sharp intake of breath and a spike in the scent of arousal. His gaze zeros in on the way it pebbles and he doesn’t bother with eye contact.

”Can I?”

“Anything. Anything you want, Derek.”

The last vowel of his name is drawn out and tapers off into a moan as Derek seals his mouth over the hard nub and sucks. He doesn’t let up until Stiles is reduced to whimpers, a limp hand resting in Derek’s hair as if Stiles doesn’t want him to move but is somehow too weak – or maybe just unwilling – to forcefully ensure he stays.

Once Derek’s done feasting on Stiles’ nipples he lets his mouth travel the path his hands took earlier, making sure to taste everywhere he’d touched leaving not as much as a single mole untouched as he slowly makes his way further down. Stiles is pliant beneath him, letting Derek’s movements guide him as how to move himself. Up until now Derek’s knees have been planted firmly on the outside of Stiles’ legs but the further he travels down his body the more he’s overcome with the need to see, so he carefully moves one leg at a time until there’s room for him between Stiles’ parted legs.

He bypasses Stiles’ cock – long and slender like its owner and Derek is almost drooling at the thought of getting to have it inside him – rubs his face on the thin skin at the inside of Stiles’ thighs, a satisfied rumble rising in his chest when the skin pinks prettily. He follows with kisses to the thighs, the hollow of his knees, down the calf; he steers clear of the underside of Stiles’ feet, knowing he’s terribly ticklish though he places a kiss to the arch of the foot before making his way back up, from shin to knee to thigh where he nuzzles at the crease where the leg’s attached to the body.

The smell of Stiles is overwhelmingly strong here and Derek is helpless to do anything but inhale the scent of him, rumbling happily in his chest.

Stiles’ hands against his skin, drawing patterns on his shoulders and upper back stroking down his arms as far as they can reach makes him lift his head and catch his gaze with his own. Stiles’ eyes are blown wide the pupil swallowed almost all the color in them, his body taut as a bow string as he holds himself completely still under Derek. Despite the lust rolling off of him Derek still opens his mouth to ask though Stiles answers with a smile before words can pass his lips.

“Derek.” It’s hardly more than a breath and yet it’s Stiles’ heart soul handed to him on a silver platter in that single word, and how is Derek supposed to resist that, the love and trust given to him so easily? The answer obviously being that he can and so he surges, pours everything he has, everything he is, into a kiss that leaves them both breathless as Stiles meets him halfway every bit as desperate as Derek.

Their moans echo between them passes back and forth as part of their kiss; it’s impossible who makes which sound as they’re pressing closer to each other, their bodies locked in the same slick slide as their mouths.

This time it’s Stiles breaking the contact, his hands once again coming up to frame Derek’s face.

”I need you,” he says, desperation lacing his tone. “Inside me, next to me. It doesn’t matter, I just need to have you.” His heart beats steadily. “Now,” he whimper growls before kissing Derek senseless once more.

Derek has no idea how he’s managed to get hold of the lube, let alone how he’s gotten some of it onto his fingers but it hardly matters at the sound Stiles makes when he circles the puckered skin, lathers it with the slick substance gently testing the give, and then he’s inside, barely even an inch of his finger buried in Stiles and it feels as if he’s going to explode from it.

”More,” Stiles sobs and Derek complies pushing in to the second knuckle. Stiles’ mouth is hanging open and his breath’s ragged but rather than wait he bares down taking the whole digit, Derek stares, enraptured at where he’s inside Stiles, watches the flex of his muscles as he moves, trying to ride the finger.

Derek puts his other hand on Stiles’ hip stopping his movements then withdraws his finger completely. Before Stiles can voice any objections Derek lifts the bottle of lube pouring another helping onto his finger. This time there’s no hesitation as he pushes two fingers inside Stiles.

Stiles mewls encouragingly, wordlessly telling him to speed things up. Derek leans forward causing his finger to press even deeper than before and Stiles obediently lifts his hips to grant him better access. It brings his cock closer to Derek’s mouth and he doesn’t even think about it, just opens his mouth and takes him to the root. He’s rewarded with a cry of pleasure from Stiles who’s soon rocking back unto Derek’s fingers and bucking forward into his mouth. It’s not long before his breathing shifts and Derek doesn’t need the tap against his wrist to know Stiles is going to cum.

He doesn’t pull off, simply open wider trying to get Stiles further down his throat wanting to taste everything he’s willing to give and when he clamps down on Derek’s fingers and floods his mouth Derek eagerly swallows every last drop. He doesn’t care for the consistency but it’s outweighed by the taste of Stiles exploding in his mouth, sliding down his throat as it flexes around the still hard shaft. Once there’s nothing left and Stiles is pushing at his forehead he reluctantly lets go of the flesh; he raises a questioning eyebrow while twisting his hand which Stiles answers by squeezing around the digits still exploring his hole. Derek takes it as his que to add a third.

When Derek finally withdraws his hand satisfied with the stretching he’s done and coating his own cock in a liberal amount of lube Stiles is fully hard again, his gorgeous cock standing proudly in its nest of dark curl almost as if it’s trying to lure Derek in once again. This time he refuses to fall for its wiles choosing instead to fold Stiles in half by now trusting him to voice any objections he may have.

When none comes Derek nudges against his hole applying pressure until the head of his cock is past the muscle and he’s approximately half a breath from cumming his brains out. Stiles seems to sense it as he’s stopped moving when Derek did, this time content letting the wolf set the pace. It’s equal parts amazing and torture hovering on the edge of Stiles’ body and Derek has to move so he presses closer, infinitely slow half an inch at the time until he’s sheathed to the root, his thighs against Stiles’ asscheeks. That’s when slow flies out the window.

Derek grips his hips, trying to be gentle but he knows there’re going to be marks tomorrow and he can’t help a smug smile at the thought. It drops soon though as he picks up the pace, pulls from the comforting grip of Stiles’ body just to push back inside again, again, again, while minutely trying to change the angle. He knows it’s right when Stiles practically howls and meets him thrust for frantic thrust, nothing but the squelch of lube, the slap of skin against skin and Stiles begging for release.

It’s not until the tingling at the base of his spine indicates his own immediate release that he wraps a dry hand around Stiles’ length, tugging at it in the same rhythm as he snaps his hips and together they stumble over the precipice.

~Fin~

[sunlitroom]

I would love to know your opinion on Sofia's and Carmine's relationship. I don't quite understand it, she was seeking his love and approval but then decided to kill him?

Thank-you for the question anon.  I was feeling a bit under the weather, and some meta was the perfect distraction :)  Brace yourself, lengthy reply ahead:

Parents.  Can’t live withthem, can’t live without them.  Not in Gotham,at least, where parents exert a punishingly strong influence over theirchildren – alive or dead.

The shadow of Jim’s fatherlooms large over him, and he has (weirdly, but that’s a whole other post) idealisedhis father’s ability to lead a double life – to simultaneously maintain anapparently idyllic family home and a murky professional life.  Actually – a triple life, because severalpeople saw him as a shining professional example.  Jim ties himself in unhappy knots trying tolive up to his example, can’t seem to escape it.

Neither can Bruce – whose whole life is shaped by his parents’murders.  Even when Bruce thought he hadrevenged them by killing Ra’s – he still can’t find any closure. He abandonedhis moral code to avenge them, and afterwards found himself still grieving andalone, and now tormented by the thought that he’s let them down.

Oswald has very similar problems.  He adored his mother – difficult though thatrelationship looked.  All his actionswere motivated by his desire to justify her belief in him.  But she wound up dead, and even though it wasTabitha who put a knife in her back, Oswald feels a huge amount of guilt at herdeath, as well as a persistent fear that she might not be proud of him – alongside the ‘usual’ grief.  This was all reinforced with Elijah’s murder.  Oswald got his revenge, but I’m willing tobet there’s a horrible little thought buried deep that events were precipitatedby his appearance in Elijah’s life.  He’sweighed down by grief and guilt, as well as the thought that the only peoplewho ever loved him are both already gone. It’s worth noting that the parent/child relationship he’s recentlyforged is with an orphan.

There’s others, too. Barbara’s chilly upper-class parents, whose removal is presented as keyin her character progression.  Jerome’s backgroundwas marked by abuse, and he kills both parents as punishment.  Selina’s mother abandoned her (twice).  Ivy’s parents died.  Jonathan’s father experimented on him, butJonathan still mourns for him.  Fish seeminglykeeps her mother hidden in plain sight. Carmine is manipulated through Liza’s resemblance to his mother.

So, parents in Gotham are crucial – but their absence evenmore so.   The moment we see Carmine andSofia, then, we should probably have guessed that the clock was ticking for him, evenbefore we heard about his illness.    

When we first meet Sofia she is living with Carmine.  However, we’re told that this is a newdevelopment, and that she’s only been able to have a relationship with him sincehe became ill.  That’s odd for a start, sincehe seemed to have a cordial relationship with Mario – who had turned his backon the family business.  That’s got to because for resentment.  Sofia’s followedin her father’s footsteps, yet he gets on better with the child who chose to dosomething different.

Sofia mentions to both Jim and Oswald that she was sent awayfrom Gotham at 13 for her own safety. Given that she is insistent that Gotham is her home and ‘birth-right’,that’s another seed of resentment planted: her father sent her away from herhome, and from him.  She claims now itwas for her own safety (although I find this questionable, tbh) – but a 13-year-oldis unlikely to have been as rational as that. It’s not implausible to think that she’d have been left conflicted:angry, homesick, missing him, wondering if he even misses her at all.

We hear other bits and pieces about her childhood before shewas sent from town.  She seems to havebeen aware of what her father did, and saw things that a child shouldn’t see.  Her father demanded toughness from her whenshe broke her ankle.  She’s acutely awareof the position she held, reminding the restaurant owner of the earrings hegave her for her birthday when she was a girl. There’s virtually nothing we hear that isn’t about her role as a daughter,as a Falcone.  It’s everything to her. 

Even Jim – in a rare moment of perceptiveness – was able tosee that Sofia is driven by a need to prove herself to her father.  Oswald tests that theory out, and we see thathis comment ‘my parents loved me without condition’ hits home.  Sofia’s usually stone-faced or wearing a mask– but that got a reaction.  So Sofia presumablydoesn’t feel that her father loves her – and that there’s some invisible conditionto winning that love

The big confrontation she has with her father is actuallyexcellent for revealing what a clusterfuck their relationship actually is.

First up – you have all the mafia stuff complicating their relationship.  Carmine isn’t only her father, he’s also herDon.  There’s a bit in the Godfather thatillustrates this really well.  The Don’s oldest son is scolded like amisbehaving child for disobedience.  That’sgoing to sting in a ‘good’ relationship, but in Sofia and Carmine’s?  A relationship that’s already pretty fractured?  That’s likely to be intolerable.  

Secondly, you’ve got this idea of conditional love.  It’s logical that Sofia might have thoughtremoving the man who ousted him, getting the GCPD under her thumb and winningthe city back might have won love and respect – but when she tells him this, Falconeisn’t interested – is contemptuous of her, even repulsed.  

Sofia can’t believe this response.  This was both the best gift she could give,and the definitive way of proving her worth and winning his love – and it still isn’t good enough.  It’s also worth acknowledging that it’s also a definite‘fuck you’, though – even if it doesn’t superficially seem like one.  She defeated the man who defeated Carmine, she corrupted the man he sought to corrupt, and she won back the city he lost.  She’s not only proved herself, she’s bested him.  There’sunderlying anger and bitterness, then, evident even in her attempt to win hisapproval.

Third, you’ve got Carmine’s little comment about wanting tosee what she would do: Who is this daughter I raised?  That points to estrangement and lack ofknowledge.  To Sofia, who seems to have spenta lot of time moulding herself in her father’s image – who identifies herselffirst and foremost as a Falcone –that’s got to be infuriating.  He doesn’tsee her, doesn’t know her.

Fourth – you’ve got the moment when he hits her.  I don’t think either of them flinched enoughfor that to have been a first time.  Shedoesn’t look disbelieving and shocked after, and he doesn’t lookregretful.  

Last up, and probably most importantly – he manages toneatly voice Sofia’s whole problem in one crushing sentence.

Anyone but my daughterwould be dead right now.

For me – I think it’s likely that this is the final straw – because this is Sofia’s catch 22.  Sofia’s self-image is bound up in being aFalcone.  She might be cunning and manipulativeand ruthless – but all her success in Gotham is ultimately dependent on beingFalcone’s daughter.  She happened to bethere when Jim went to Carmine for help. Her name piques Oswald’s interest. It helps her influence political figures.  It makes Victor turn traitor.  It ensures that the restaurant owner carriesout her wishes.   She mentions it sooften that Barbara starts to simply eyeroll at the sound of it.

But this reliance on her name means that her successes can alwaysbe claimed by Carmine – which is exactly what he does in this scene.   She’s a somebody only by merit of being hisdaughter.  Without that, she’s a nobody.  Her achievements are meaningless, and were totallydependent on her family name.

So, what’s left for her? At the end of the day, I think Sofiaultimately psychologically needed him gone more than she needed his appreciation.  In fact, I wonder if the only reason that theywere able to have a relationship latterly was because she knew he wasdying.   With Carmine safely dead – Sofia gets to be the Falcone, and the memory of herfather, which can be snipped and twisted to meet her needs, much more manageable and useful to her than the man himself.

Does this sound plausible to you, anon?  Thanks again for asking - and I’d love to hear what your theories are :)

[i-am-a-hisuian-zoroark]

There’s already two to three people that know all this, but making it a definitive four can’t hurt. So, buckle up and get comfy, ‘tis about to get long.

So, Hisui. Absolute dumpster fire of a place back then. I by now have confirmation my egg was not laid by anyone out of my pack. I, like everyone, basically had to be mostly self-sufficient the second i could stomach berries or whatever else we could scavenge together. You were there to ensure the pack survives, nothing more. Stealing eggs from other packs, eating whatever died recently enough, you name it. It was all about not dying out.

To my “Luck“ our packs leader, a shiny alpha, took me under his wing and trained with me. Made me his second in command. And we got our pack to a somewhat stable state. The threat of some Garchomps or the likes to feast on us still wasn’t gone, but the icelands learned the hard way not to mess with Zoroarks, if you can’t find one alone or something. Except of course that one alone happened to be a shiny alpha. Damn, Satan was a beast. And yes, weird name nowadays, i know, but back then it meant... something with “Wrath“, that much i remember.

Anyway, we struggled through the years, survived, adapted, overcame and Satan and i grew kinda close. To the point where we planned to leave the region with one of them human boats and see different places. I even planned to confess my feeling for him on the ride. When the day to leave came though, he stopped at the pier and he told me to go on without him. He handed me a pokeball, just in case and spoke of “when we see each other again” and “maybe then“.

As the naive little fool i was, i believed him, went on to see the world alone and actually found this kind old lady i accepted as my trainer. Which mostly meant living with her and the others... i think it was an Eneco and a Meowth. Until she was attacked. She didn’t make it. I swore no harm shall come to her, but i grew to accustomed to this simple, easy life to protect her, or anyone else for that matter.

So i set out again, training myself harder and more fierce then Hisui ever dared trying. By the time i got my special little technique down, i emanated an aura visible to the untrained eye and had to continuously do something with my spare energy to retain my stealthiness.

Then i found this really chill, young couple. I liked them and they liked me, thus i lived some actually nice years for once, with them as my trainers. The region was beautiful, the food good, the battles fun, what more could i’ve asked for? And then, of course, they passed away. Old age. Which i was kinda prepared for.

What i was not prepared for was the dawning realization that i just outlived these two humans. And have been running around just as long before even meeting them. Was i supposed to live this long? Is that normal? Because it never felt normal. So i went back “home” for answers.

Though, as it turned out, everyone i could have gotten these answers from also died. My pack? Avalanche. Satan? Vanished, hasn’t been heard from since shortly after i first left, presumed dead. Even by me. There was not a single trace about him just silently leaving the region or anything alike. Just one day, Poof, gone.

From then on i have little to no memory for the next 250 years. The clearest memory i have was of a bright, pink light and pain. Lot’s and lot’s of instances of pain. Bites, burns, cuts, lightning strikes and more. Hell, straight up disintegration from that pink light.

If Shayna wouldn’t have relentlessly searched for me and done all that she has done, I’d still be some feral, mindless beast.

And for most of the rest, you’ve been there. Except maybe for, well, Satan returned. That was one wild clusterfuck of emotions. Which quickly turned into anger when i realized that he fucking time traveled! He left me alone when i truly needed him. Twice. And even didn’t have the guts to properly dump me when he should! While i understand none of that had any malicious intent, it still hurts.

And now, here we are. I’m just trying to loose stuff that still loads more and more to deal with onto me. Just to much to ever... well, be dealt with. I’m not doing this for a convenient way out of my suffering. Again, i can handle that. I’m doing it because i want to get rid of what gives me all this pain. I’m to strong for my own good. For any ones good. And since i can’t die, and everything else we tried failed horribly... What else could i even do?

Ah, crap. I forgot something important at my house. Ugh... BRB, i guess. Need something while i'm out?

-@i-am-a-hisuian-zoroark

Nope, not at all, take your time it be quick, I don't care either way