#presents bitter angst muffin //

[ramp-it-up]

If The Fates Allow

Paring: Andy Barber (Drew) x Reader (Muffin)

Word Count: 3.4 K

Summary: Andy did you dirty and you are done. Can he convince you to give him your heart again?

Warnings: 18+ As always, MINORS DNI, SMUT, RPF. Not Beta’d. All mistakes my own. Tons of Angst, hurt, pining, and bitterness. Secret relationship, employee relationship, drinking, jealously, dancing, mistletoe, arguing, apology, that love thang.  Allusions to blow job, car sex, desk sex. Oral (f receiving.), fingering, squirting, allusions to p in v, breeding kink. Daddy Drew kink.

A/N: This is for #DJ’sAllIWant4KChristmas and based on  this very detailed ask. This is a companion piece to The Trouble With Love Is.

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I Do NOT consent to my work being reposted, translated or presented on any other blog or site other than by myself.

When you showed up at the staff Holiday party looking like a million bucks in a shimmering gold dress, and killer heels, Andy was appropriately speechless.

You’d curved him, looking right through him as he stopped at your table to wish you Happy Holidays. You didn’t even spare him a smile.

Andy was shook. 

He went to the bar to knock a couple back and get up the courage to try again.

You were bitter.

You were in full on savage mode. 

And Andrew Barber was the cause.

You sat with Stephanie, who was in her second year of law school and glad for the break. She was lit, on her fourth drink and you weren’t far behind. You were both shit talking about Andy, who was watching you two out of the corner of his eye from his perch at the bar.

“Look at him. He ain’t shit.”

Steph side eyed you.

“You’re acting like you’re his wife? She’s the one who should be bitching about him.”

“You are soooo muthafuckin right, Steph. I. Am. Not. His wife.”

“Yessssss. Girl what is up?” 

Stephanie was worried now.

“He ain’t got a wife,” You mumbled into your drink.

“What?”

Steph didn’t hear you.

“Nothing.”

You thought back to the fall when his divorce was final.

Andy had spent the night with you. The entire night! You’d awakened in his arms and felt lighter than air. You made him breakfast and started scrolling your phone for restaurants for that evening.

Andy watched you on your phone and nodded at you as you were scrolling.

“What are you up to, Muffin?”

You grinned at your boyfriend.

“Drew… can you pull some strings and get us in o ya tonight? Pleaseeeee?”

You made your best pouty face for him, which he normally couldn’t resist. He swallowed his food and took a drink, eyeing you warily.

“You know we can’t go out in public, Baby.”

Your face, and your stomach, dropped. But you got up and sat on Andy’s lap.

“What? Why? You’re divorced now. We’re free, Drew…”

Fear bloomed in his chest as Andy accepted your kiss and held your chin between two fingers.

“Yeah. The divorce is final, but we need to lay low, just for a little while longer, honey.”

You pouted and Andy’s heart twisted. It was too much to hope that he could have everything he wanted so suddenly. No, he had to be careful, temper this newfound hope that was within his reach.

“But, Drew…”

Andy lifted your chin and started kissing down toward your cleavage while reaching under the shirt of his that you were wearing. 

“I am divorced, but not everyone needs to know that right now. And we still work at the same firm. It could mean your job. Or mine. Or both.”

“But…”

“Just a little while longer…” 

You whined. 

“Shhhh, Muffin.” 

Andy started to knead your breast as he kissed your neck. His voice was deep and his dick was hard as you sat on his lap.

“Now, what do you want for takeout tonight?”

You laughed into your glass.

“Just a little while longer.”

Stephanie gave you the gas face as she got up. 

“You need some water. You’re becoming a surly drunk.”

You just rolled your eyes and watched as Stephanie stepped next to Andy at the bar. He looked over to your table and you stuck your tongue out at him.

You were thinking of how the ‘little while’ turned from days, to weeks, to months, and how now here you were, four months later, and no one even knew that Andy was divorced, or that you had given a year of your life to that man. 

At the bar, Andy caught your display of ire and cleared his throat. It was the first communication you’d had in over a month. You had blocked him on everything, including changing the locks at your apartment just before Thanksgiving, the last time you asked him to go public with the relationship. 

And the last time he said no.

Andy missed you like crazy. And he was worried. But he was sure that you’d be back. He was planning on asking you to meet him after the party when Stephanie stepped up to the bar.

“Merry Christmas Stephanie. You and Y/N having a good time tonight?”

Steph looked back over her shoulder at you and shook her head.

“I’m trying Mr. Barber, but Y/N is being a little difficult.”

The bartender delivered two waters to Stephanie.  

“I’ll get her right, though. Merry Christmas, Mr. Barber.”

Andy watched as you started drinking the water. Neal sat down beside him. 

This fucking guy.

“That’s a prime piece right there. I’d like to get up in there.”

Andy glanced where Neal was looking. Your table.

“Stephanie’s pretty cute.”

Andy knocked back his drink and prepared to get up and relieve himself of Neal’s company.

“No. I mean, Y/N.”

Neal looked at Andy, who couldn’t tell if Loguidice was rattling his cage on purpose. Neal leaned in.

“C’mon, tell me you’ve never imagined bending that ass over your desk.”

Andy didn’t have to imagine that. That was how you two got together, one late night at the office. 

But he didn’t want to hear it coming out of Loguidice’s mouth.

“Do me a favor and shut the fuck up. Spare me your twisted fantasies, Neal.”

Andy retreated across the room as people started to dance. He stood on the wall and watched as Neal got some liquid courage and went over to get rejected by you.

Except he didn’t get rejected. You took his hand as he led you to the bar to get a drink and then to an isolated corner. 

Andy’s head was about to explode. 

You may have been just a little tipsy, but you knew what you were doing.  

You were in a corner with Neal Loguidice, flirting up a storm, laughing at all of his jokes, and loudly.

You knew that Andy was standing there like everything was alright. And why wouldn't he? You were no one to him, right? And no one even knew he was divorced, did they?

After all, the last year meant nothing to him, even though you played wifey and he played you cheap, keeping you his little secret.

That’s what you screamed at him the last time he saw you. Andy had tried to make you see how much you mean to him, but fear outweighed his feeling. 

Andy was wary of going public with you.

You were weary of being the side chick to his ego.

But when he looked up, he saw you, in a dark corner of the restaurant, being chatted up by Neal Loguidice. 

Andy saw red and he swore that steam was rolling out of his ears. He started to advance on you two, but you took Neal’s hand and led him to the dance floor, allowing him to pull you close as the slow song blared from the DJ’s speakers.

His heart dropped and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. The sight of you in someone else’s arms, in Loguidice’s arms, made him feel like an idiot. 

An idiot who let you get away.

Suddenly, it didn’t matter what everyone thought. All that mattered was you.

He got an idea and went to speak to the DJ, a hundred dollar bill in his hand. The music abruptly changed to the cha cha slide and you and Neal stood there awkwardly at the suddness of the transition.

He moved through the dance floor amid the crowd of people moving in unison. You glanced over and grimaced. Trying to keep a straight face as Andy managed to keep up with the footwork.

You’d never danced with or near him before, other than swaying in your living room, because he never took you dancing.

That made you angry again and you looked over at Neal and gave him a sexy smile, just because you knew it would piss Andy off.

You didn’t notice until it was too late, that with each turn of the dance Andy was manuevering you right where he wanted you.

When the song ended, he was able to cut you off from Neal and the rest of the dancers.

You were between Andy and the edge of the bar, and he was reaching up for something above you on the little portico in the area. 

You smirked at him when you saw what he was holding.

“Well, look at that, Y/N.”

Andy held it out to you, smirking.

“Is that mistletoe?”

There were people around, so you knew he was full of shit. You put your hands on your hips to challenge him.

“Are you– are you pulling down mistletoe, Mr. Barber?”

Andy looked at the plant in his hand as if he’d never seen it before.

“I guess I am. I must want to kiss you very badly.”

You were stunned. You looked around and you caught Stephanie raising her eyebrow at you and at Loguidice glaring at you both.

“I’m tired of you jerking me around. Do it. I dare you.” 

Andy tossed the mistletoe on the bar.

“If you say so.”

Then he moved forward, pressing you up against the wooden column and caressing the side of your face. You shuddered at this first touch in over a month. His thumb moved over to trace your bottom lip and you opened slightly, full of anticipation.

“I’ve missed the hell outta you, Muffin.”

And then he did it. Andrew Barber kissed you in front of about 185 people at the staff Klein Law Firm Christmas party. 

You moaned in the back of your throat and moved your hand up in his hair as he went to town tasting you and re-exploring your mouth with his tongue. His hand moved down the side of your body and ghosted over your ass, but returned to your waist.

When it was done, you rested your forehead against his.

“Drew…”

“Holy shit! Andrew is Drew!”

Stephanie was shocked.

Loguidice glared at you two and stalked out of the restaurant.

“Will you come talk?”

You looked at Andy’s extended hand in front of all these people and you had to accept. He was being fully honest for the first time in a while.

You sat outside Andy’s new condo and argued. 

With Andy. 

And with yourself.

Every time he tried to apologize, you rejected it. 

You pulled out your phone to call an Uber, fully sober and not willing to settle for less than you were worth.

“I don’t know what I was thinking, coming home with you. You still ain’t shit, Drew!”

Andy dropped his head, and then looked back up at you.

“I know. I don’t deserve a moment of your time.” 

Andy bit his lip, intoxicated by being this close to you again.

“But please, just come up and we’ll talk. That’s all.”

You two stared each other down, neither one of you believing what Andy had just said.

“I’m not sucking your dick, Drew.”

Andy put his hands up in defense and laughed.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Then he looked up in the air.

“Well… that’s not true. Have woken up more than once with ruined sheets like a schoolboy because of you.”

You cleared your throat. 

“Do we need to talk in the car?”

You gave him full attitude. Andrew Barber was not going to get in that easily.

“Sure. This car holds lots of… memories.”

Andy’s eyes roved you and the interior of his Audi.

You flashed back to when Drew turned you out in the driver’s seat. Shit. You couldn’t escape the ways and places you two had sex.

You rolled your eyes. 

“Fine, let’s go up.”

You moved to open the door and Andy said, “Ah ah ah…”

You sat back and waited with anticipation as Andy came around and opened the door for you. The electricity when he took your hand was just annoying at this point. And the way that he held it, in the elevator, gently rubbing the back of your hand with his thumb was not a turn on.

Not at all.

When Andy opened the door to his place, you walked in and surveyed the layout. It was very nice, if bachelor pad bare.

“Nice place.”

“It’s made much nicer with you in the space.”

You were still resistant to him, trying to keep your heart hard.

“So… I mean… what? I feel like this is an alternate universe or something.”

Andy’s world was upside down. He ran his hand through his hair and stared at you.

“What do you want to talk about Andrew? I told you I’m done.”

Andy was pressed.

“D’you want something to eat?” 

Andy looked at you and licked his lips. You were beginning to hunger, but not for food. Then you remembered why you were here. You straightened your spine.

“I was about to eat at the party, but then you made a scene. What’s up with that, Drew?”

Andy smiled at your nickname for him. Maybe there was hope. He gestured for you to sit down.

You took off your coat and handed it to him after he took off his jacket. You sat on the opposite end of the couch from him.

“I’ve made some decisions about my life. I’m tired of running from my feelings.”

Andy looked you straight in the eye. You felt he was telling the truth.

“I’ve treated you badly, like you were just a side piece and not worth me shouting my love for you from the rooftops. That’s what tonight was about. I’m done being a fool.”

You crossed your arms, silently considering what he was saying.

“I just don’t know if you’re done with me.”

“I said I was, didn’t I?” You snapped back.

Andy scooted closer to you.

“Yeah, that’s the thing. You clearly kissed me back at the party. And you agreed to come here with me, then you came up. Your actions seem to indicate otherwise.”

“Don’t cross examine me, Mr. Barber.”

Andy chuckled, his gaze moving around your face and settling on your lips.

“Can I just ask one question?”

You knew it was dangerous, but you assented anyway.

“Do I still have your heart?”

Damn. That was such a sweet fucking question.

You just gulped and stared at Andy, growing warmer with each second. It was all so intense. The energy was thick.

Andy moved closer.

“Where is your heart, Muffin?”

Your eyes half lidded at the nick name.

“I hate you, Drew.”

Andy moved even closer, and was reaching for you.

“I know. And I deserve it. But that wasn’t the question.”

You closed your eyes. 

“Let me tell you where my heart is.”

You took a deep breath, opened your eyes and looked at Andy.

“At first it was infatuation. From the moment you stepped foot in the office. I mean, the way you look, that body.”

Andy looked at you and then shook his head. 

“Then, when we started hooking up, I convinced myself it was just sex. I hid my feelings from myself, until you took up residence in my heart. Right here.”

Andy took your hand and placed it on his chest. You could feel his heartbeat. 

“And through everything, you’ve been there for me when it mattered. I love you Y/N. I know I’ve said it before. But I want you to know it all over again.”

You were caught up in the story Andy’s deep tenor was telling. But it wasn’t a story. You knew it was the truth.

“So. If you’ve taken your heart back from me, I want to ask for it back. Are you willing to trust me with it again? I promise I will try to heal what I’ve done, and celebrate you as the queen you are. My queen.”

“Oh, Drew.” 

You drew in a shuddering breath.

“Fuck it. You still have my heart. But I still hate you a lil’ bit.”

Andy chuckled, heart light at your admission.

“Understandable. I want to do so many things with you. Take you out, maybe have your help with decorating this place…”

You looked around. 

“You definitely need it.”

Andy slid on the floor and was on his knees before you. 

“And one day. Maybe you can sleep over… indefinitely…”

You were giddy at the prospect of what you wanted for so long. But you were still reticent. You bit your lip.

“Now why would I be sleeping over, Mr. Barber?”

Andy’s eyes were dark blue now, and he was reaching for you after your flirty response.

“I would hope that you would be so tired after all the orgasms I’m gonna give you that you just pass out naked on my bed.”

Andy’s hands went from your ankles to your calves to your thighs, pushing the gold fabric higher.

“Hmmmm. Big talk, Andrew.”

Andy leaned over and kissed you, gently teasing your lips open and sweetly tasting your tongue. You soft moan made him hard as a rock.

“Do you trust that I won’t hurt you again?”

You caught your breath after the kiss, getting lost in his eyes.

“No. You’ve just got to prove it.”

“Deal.”

“Right now I’m going to prove what I said about the orgasms. I’ve been dreaming about sucking the shit out of your clit and eating you out until you squirt.”

“Fuck, Drew….” 

Your whine told him all he needed to know. His hands moved up to the apex of your thighs and you squirmed slightly away from him.

“Where are you going? I told you, don’t run from me again. C’mere.”

He beckoned to you with his finger.

“Bring that ass here.”

You bit your own finger and smiled. Daddy Drew was back. You scooted down so that your ass was in his hands. He felt you up with his fingers.

“Oh shit, Muffin,” He felt the thong in your ass.

Then he looked down as you lifted your skirt the rest of the way so he could see your gold covered cunt. 

“For me?” 

You giggled and nodded.

“You shouldn’t have.”

Andy reached down and pulled your thong to the side, staring at you for the longest.

“A sight for sore eyes.”

Andy was actually whispering to your pussy as he started rubbing it with one thumb on top of you and the other coming in from the bottom to play in your wet, soppy hole. You started moving your pelvis.

“Ah. You’re desperate are you? You given what is mine away to anyone eles while we were apart?”

“No, Daddy. Have you?”

Andy didn’t hesitate.

“You own me baby girl,” said Andy as he lowered his mouth to lick up your slit.

“You always will.”

Andy rotated his palm and held you open with the other hand as you watched him eat you out. He fulfilled his dream of sucking your clit until you saw stars, and crooked his fingers just right to get you to squirt, as only he could.

Andy basked in it, then took off his wet shirt and the rest of his clothes before he divested you of your dress. You were limp, trying to recover from his ministrations as he picked you up, threw you over his shoulder and took you upstairs.

“Next stop on the tour is my bedroom, and my bed that I bought with you in mind. And the mostly empty walk in closet, because I know your clothes will take up more space than mine.”

You giggled as you were deposited on a king sized bed with the softest duvet ever. Your eyes widened and so did your legs as Andy pumped his massive dick. How you’d missed it.

“And no condoms allowed in this house. You’re gonna take this cum until it’s dripping out of your pores, by god.”

You opened your legs even wider as he descended toward you, three fingers already inside you to stretch you out.

“Yes, Daddy Drew…”

Reblog for the sake of love!

[messymosaic]

history is pain, and yet like a moth, i return to the flame

for better or for worse, i wasnt around during the height of the tlok shipping wars. i could walk away unscathed, that i know, but still i dive in the war-torn ruins of this once great ship, risking life and limb for a few glorious, glimmering moments of beauty.

i present to you a collection of imagined makorra reunions, back in the before times, when hope existed (also known as before b4)

The angst. The passion. The relief.

AND THIS IS ALL CANON HAS TO OFFER???

imagine waiting episode after episode for THE makorra reunion just to see them leave more than enough room for jesus

i understand now why so so many mks left the fandom after that series finale because– I WASNT EVEN THERE AND IM STILL BITTER

anyway allow me to wrap this tinfoil around my head because books 2-4 aren’t real and they can’t hurt me

[ps the magnificent art in this post are from josie216, razingreason, sakura-muffins and vvivaa. on behalf of all the mk stans who cant draw for shit, thank you for gracing us with your talents]

[mosaickd-a]

💔 sings hit me with your best shot in the bg

it had been hard to hold it in for so long but he was bound to notice. he was her adviser, after all, and his duty was to see through her lies. she had built a kingdom of them, it began with not sleeping, then it was not slow down and breathe, and it ended with her not following her heart. she was impressed with herself, that she, crown princess weiss schnee of atlas had kept up the facade for so long. -that she was going to runaway and follow her dreams of visiting the different kingdoms and meeting the people and then becoming the rightful queen that atlas deserved. however, with war looming on the horizon, she would never get to do that. 

princesses were not regular people. they were only pieces in the games of political reign. she had to put her people first and not herself. her feelings about anything were nothing. there were no princesses who followed their happiness. there were only selfish princesses who did not realize the fundamental truths of being a good one. 

❝ you asked why i lied to you? ❞ her voice raising in anger as the kingdom she had so manipulatively built around her adviser came tumbling down. ❝ you’d like to know why, wouldn’t you? ❞ simmering in her monstrosity of a dress, she pointed for the rest of the servants to leave the throne room. they left in silence, the door shutting was the only echo of noise between them. the flowers and decorations around them shined bright on the dower situation. 

❝ because we are on the brink of chaos and my people are in anguish. and you think my happiness will make them happy? ❞ she banged her fist on the atlar. her eyes fell upon the wedding dress and she turned away.  ❝ this marriage will save them from unneeded massacre. no matter the consequences for myself. ❞ her sight fell upon her wrist, still bruised from the first meeting with her groom. her father, the king, had arranged the entire process for her. be it a wicked one but smart. she bit her lip, grabbing at her sides.  a strand of snow white hair fell into her face. 

❝ i can save everyone, don’t you see? ❞ she was almost on the verge of tears now but her face remained a strong, unwavering mask. ren had taught her that, to not let her emotions show for others to exploit. oh, how she planned to use it for the rest of her life. to be the visage of happiness incarnate yet be a dying heart in reality. she paced there on the steps, her body rigid with the responsibility of carrying atlas on her shoulders. she could not grow weary now. 

she could save everyone but herself. 

and god forbid anyone try to save her. ❝ you shall be adviser to prince whitley, now. do not make the same mistake with him that you did with me. ❞ sharp blue eyes gazed at him, taking in her adviser’s distress. blue hues narrowing, she spat, ❝ be his adviser, not his friend. ❞ with that, she left him there surrounded by the gaudy decorations. a single tear fell from her eyes and dripped down her cheek. this was the only weakness she would show. standing up straighter, she wiped the tear aside. there were no lies among them now, only the painful truth.  / angst roulette no. 25 (a.)

[bourbon-ontherocks]

H! M! T! U! for the asks!

Thank youuuu!!! 😘😘😘

H: How would you describe your style? 

Mhhhh... Ironic. Overly dramatic. Wrong use of English prepositions due to lack of practice. Probably a little too verbose sometimes. Lots of (too many?) adverbs and adjectives. Tentative. A certain taste for dubious metaphors. 😂

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

Already answered here, but it turns out I have a LOT of back burners these days...

So it's a story I wrote in the middle of quarantine and never finished because I didn't know what I was aiming at but I may have recently found a way out. It will be angsty, probably bitter and include the famous cuddle for warmth trope. Be also ready for some ants bites, so don't forget your insects sprays and your headlamps, we’re going to camp! Sort of.

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand? 

Fluff. High school/college AUs. Beth being characterized as ingenue and innocent, 50-shades style (kinda tired of the Pygmalion trope actually...). Brio baby unless it's presented as something extremely questionable like is it really a good idea (LEAVE! ELIZABETH'S! WOMB! ALONE!). Probably lots of other stuff, I'm grumpy 😈

U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

Already answered here but you're lucky enough that I have a lot of faves so here's another row!

- riosnecktattoo (@riosnecktattoo). Look here's someone who wrote one of the best characterized, angsty post S2 fic I've ever read as her debut story. And who's kept navigating between crackfics, poetry, and just writing style perfection ever since. How could I not?

- medievalraven (@medievalraven). I'm deeply ashamed to announce that I have yet to read her boxing AU, but her political AU has my heart forever. And she gave us Rio calling Beth MUFFIN, which she should get an award for!!!

- ms_scarlet (@mego42). Like, do I have to say why?? So just in case you wouldn't remember, she's just the girl who barged out of nowhere and into the fandom mid-season 3 overnight and wrecked us all with angst, excellents POVs and angry sex...

 

Ask me fanfic stuff!! (and I’ll probably take forever to answer them)

[closer-stars]

Rushed Steps - Wooyoung, Yunho

Member/s: Yunho, Wooyoung Requested: Yes! Genre: Fluff for the most part. A bit of Angst.  AU: University Content: some swearing. food. yunho and wooyoung are in the same dance team. wooyoung’s bit of an asshole. some alcohol but no one gets wasted. 

Note: Had to separate this into two parts and control myself because otherwise, this part 1 would be four thousand words. I promise, part 2 will have the angst. ;; 

You knew of Yunho through a common class under a terror professor back in first year, the bond solidifying through their insane requirements. Since then, both of you have become inseparable. You quickly found out he was a member of the dance team in your university. Being the good friend you were, every performance he has, you were there to watch him. Most of the time. See, there was one performance you watched where a new face took center stage. From there, he just got you. Through the whispers and hollers, you found out his name.

Jung Wooyoung. 

Due to the bond you had with Yunho, the dance crew eventually adopted you even if you didn’t dance. This also meant that it would only be a matter of time until you formally introduced to the new face. 

“Hey!! Thank you for watching!!” Yunho yells after taking a few photos with friends after his show. He takes you in his arms and spins you around, much to your protests.

“Yunho you dumbass!! Put me down!” You complain, trying to flail about in his arms. He does as he’s told (after much more whining), and you say your praises to him and to the members near him. “You guys did so good! Was that why you asked me if I had some sort of connection to a printing shop?! For those banners?!” You jokingly complain as you repeatedly hit the tall male’s arms. Payback. “Also, how many new faces do you guys have?! I swore I saw like twenty out on stage and I know for a fact that wasn’t makeup.” Whenever you got so excited, your words run faster than Yunho’s feet can keep up to electronic music. 

“Speaking of-- Hey Wooyoung!” Yunho replies, calling someone a few feet away from you. 

Your heart stops for a few moments. You didn’t think it would happen that fast. You look over your shoulder, trying to play it cool as you search the sea of people for that face. You spot him talking to a friend before approaching the both of you. 

“What’s up?!” The platinum blond male asks, eyes scanning you for a quick moment before turning to Yunho. 

Did he just give you the head to toe look? 

“Remember that time we suddenly had boxes of pizza on the week of our show?” Yunho asks, his hand now on your head, making a quick mess of your hair. 

“Fuck’s sake-- Yunho!” You cry out, whacking his hand away from your head. This doesn’t deter him at all, in fact it just makes him laugh as he continues.

“Yeah. Was it from her?” The male asks, his full attention now on you as you still try to swat Yunho’s hand away from your head. 

Now that you realized his attention was on you, you stopped quickly. You give him a polite bow, eyeing him, trying to not look like you were already interested in him (note: trying). “Hi yeah, that’s me. It’s nice to meet you!” You introduce yourself to him and you could’ve sworn you felt butterflies in your tummy as you hear him laugh. 

“It’s nice to meet you too, sweet cheeks. Jung Wooyoung’s the name.” 

The rest of the night goes by quickly, a lot of joking around with the crew and friends to celebrate a perfect performance. You were situated in between Wooyoung and Yunho for the entire duration of the night. While Yunho was busy talking to other friends and their coaches, Wooyoung didn’t leave you alone the entire time. The both of you spent the entire time getting to know each other much to your delight. 

“You aren’t going home yet?” 

“Nah, I’m Yunho’s designated driver.”

“He has plans of drinking still? Ooooh, our captain’s going to drink?” He asks, a teasing lilt in his voice.

“I’m going to fight that bean stalk if he has plans of drinking tonight.” you jest. “Nah, it’s a running thing between the two of us: after every performance that I get to watch of him, I drive him back to his place.” 

“So say, if we have another performance, I get to see you?”

Where was he going with this? You had a feeling but you were going to wait it out.

“Yes... why?” 

“Will you watch me too then?” 

“Wooyoung, your stage presence is very strong, it’d be hard for me not to.” You knew when to give credit after all. You had to learn that the hard way as you watched Yunho start from rookie member to legendary captain. 

“Good, cause the team has a small gig two weeks from now and I want to see you in the crowd, looking at me.” 

You nearly spat out your drink at his forwardness. His phone was in front of you after you regain your composure. 

“Think I can get your number?” He asks, the charming smile on his lips haven’t left his features since. Out of shock, you type in your number in his phone then hand it back to him. Shortly after, Yunho makes a return to your table and notices Wooyoung typing his number into your phone. 

“What did I miss?” The male asks, causing you to quickly look at him. He spots your dusted cheeks and for a moment he thought you had a couple of drinks. Wooyoung’s next few words causes two different reactions. 

“Other than, me asking your lovely friend out here a date? Not much.” He replies simply. He calls the number you had typed into his phone, to make sure. 

You look at the confident blond in shock. Did he just?

Your best friend stares at his teammate in disbelief. What?

“I gotta go. I still got a few papers due in the next few days. See you soon, Leader. I’ll see you in a few days, sweet cheeks.” He shoots you a wink as he slides out of his seat. 

The blond leaves the two with their jaws agape. 

“D-did he just-” 

“I guess so.”

------------------

“Yunho, I don’t know what to wear!” You were frantically looking through your closet. Yunho was on speaker as you put up clothes to your body, hoping to look for a good outfit. You think by now, you wouldn’t be too antsy about what you were but this was Wooyoung. God knows how long you’ve stayed single since your last relationship. 

Yunho was on his spinny chair, as he likes to call it, as he fixes his notes. He could hear you rummage through your clothes before tossing them on to your bed. “Why not wear that outfit you wore for that presentation, with the heeled boots?” He says under his breath. He’s starting to regret introducing you to Wooyoung. While you were unaware of what people said about the now lavender boy, Yunho eventually caught wind of it. He was known to lead unsuspecting people on and you were now one of them. While this was already your third date, he wasn’t sure how long Wooyoung would keep this up. He wasn’t sure either how long he could stand on the sidelines of this. 

“Yunho, genius!” You exclaim, snapping him out of his thoughts. You liked how you looked. It accentuated all the good things about your body. You take a quick photo of your outfit, flashing a peace sign to the camera and sent it to him as thanks. 

“Hey, where are you and Wooyoung meeting again?” He asks, tapping his pen against his notebook in thought. 

You explain for what could’ve been the tenth time where you guys were going to be. “Yunho, are you okay?” You ask, concern was peeking through your voice. 

“Huh--? Yeah, I’m fine. You know how being a captain and being a student can be.” He says with a careful laugh. He glances at the time. He’ll give you guys thirty minutes before ‘passing by’ to make sure Wooyoung follows his word. “Just have fun okay? Call me up if anything happens.” 

-----------------

He arrives near where you and Wooyoung were supposed to be, with five minutes to spare. He keeps his distance, to make sure you don’t spot him. He sees you look at your phone then sigh as you slowly sip your tea. He couldn’t deny how lovely you looked in that outfit. Maybe he really was a genius (now if that could translate into his applied chemistry class...). 

He casually steps into the coffee shop, making sure you don’t catch him yet. He quickly orders something for himself before sliding into the seat across you.

Three.

Two. 

One. 

“Hey buttercup.” He says softly. 

You jump in your seat, not having expected to see him. It was a welcomed presence. That was when you realized that Wooyoung had stood you up. The short replies and less conversations, should’ve told you but you tried to look at the positive side. A bitter scoff leaves your lips. 

“I guess I was an idiot.” You say as you stir your tea. If you had known any different, you would’ve stopped this by the second date. You admittedly lost a bit of your appetite to even finish what’s left of your tea. 

“You didn’t know.” He returns gently. His coffee and the muffins were then served to your table. 

“You ordered two muffins?”

“Yeah. One for me and one for you. I don’t know how long you’ve been here, but you’re probably hungry.” He reasons. 

You take a bite as thanks. You were quiet for the most part, still mentally berating yourself for having fallen so easily for Wooyoung’s charms. 

“Tell you what, let’s make this a date?” He offers after a few more moments. He didn’t like seeing you this down and his words were flying out faster than he could keep up. Maybe he could make a house footwork drill to the beat of how he was speaking. 

“What?” 

“A-as friends!” He quickly follows it up, stalling for time by sipping on his coffee. This burns his tongue for a few moments though. 

You stare at him, dumbfounded. You haven’t had time with him alone for so long that maybe a date with him didn’t sound so bad. 

“Nevermind I said anythi--”

“That sounds like a good idea.” You say quickly, the corners of your lips quirking upwards. This perks up the golden retriever of a best friend you had as he continues to eat his share. 

“Yunho?” 

“Yes?”

You hand him some tissue, then tap the corner of your lips. “You got a little something on the corner of your lips.”

And so it was a date-- as friends. The both of you spend the majority of the day going around different shops, trying on different clothes. Yunho tries on a few clothes that clearly weren’t his colors and strikes a few poses much to your delight. 

“Oh my god, I don’t know you.” You sputter out in between laughs as he dons a neon pink blazer and starts to comically mimic your terror professor. “As I was saying before! Did you not listen?” He spouts off words that your professor was known for saying in a nasally voice that sounded a little too close to Spongebob. This just causes you to double over from laughter. He laughs with you, knowing how embarrassing he looks and at how infectious your laughter was.

The both of you continue to walk around the streets after having bought matching hoodies. “As friends.” he repeats as he keeps his wallet.

“Sure, as friends.”  You scoff and gently tap the tip of your boots against his calf, watching him try on a pair of shades. 

The rest of the night goes without a hitch. You had Wooyoung out of your mind and you were enjoying the cheese tteokbokki that Yunho managed to get for you. The both of you listened to street performers sing to the crowd not far from you. Good company, good music and good food. How else can this day get any better?

“Thanks for today.” You say as you let the food settle in your stomach. The brown haired male glances at you, cheeks filled with the burger he was eating. He smiles brightly at you as if saying it was no big deal. The small bowl of tteokbokki rests on your lap, your head leaning against his shoulder. “I’m serious. I’m really thankful for today. It wasn’t expected but I had fun.” 

He was grateful you couldn’t see how red his ears had become. He finishes his burger quickly, his free hand rubbing your back lightly. “Anything for you.” He says simply, as he peeks at your features. “If you want, we can do this more often.” He offers. You scrunch your nose as his face enters your line of sight. 

“Wipe your mouth, you got ketchup and mustard on the corners of your lips.” You gaze at the male who wipes his lips in embarrassment. 

“And yeah, I’d like that.”

“Maybe more than friends?”

“Maybe.” 

While you two were busy enjoying each other’s presence and company, a lavender haired male had his eyes on you two while he was drinking with his best friend.

“Isn’t she that girl you kept hitting on?” His best friend asks after a shot. 

He shrugs, as he tears his gaze away from the two figures. He then pours both of them another shot. 

Why did his chest feel weird at the sight of you with someone else? 

[myjinjoo]

↳ word count: 846

↳ genre: angst with hopeful ending

↳ summary: in which you let san go because you can’t love him enough for the both of you.

↳ warnings: hinted at self-low + low self-esteem, breakup, feeling lonely + intentionally making yourself not have friends :(

𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁

a small butterfly. that’s how it all started. a boy wanting to give the person he liked a small, beige paper butterfly he made, colored, and cared for. over time, the person kept the butterfly and the boy maintained his feelings for the person. the butterfly had grown a little faded and worn and the boy as he got older said it was stupid but the person still held onto it.

{two years ago}

you had time to ponder what she wanted to do since you and san’s last argument happened. it had only been a few days yet it feels longer since it’s all you could think of. it’s time that you let go of the boy you’ve loved since he gave you that paper butterfly. you don’t want to but, nonetheless, in order to let this butterfly soar you have to unclamp it’s wings, right?

it was a dreary tuesday, cloudy and all. why tuesday? because you can never pick a good time to break up with the love of your life. you clutch the paper butterfly in your pocket as you approach your boyfriend, “san, we need to talk,” you said quietly.

he nods slightly, leading you to an empty corridor, “what’s up?” he asks, his voice shaky. he knew it wasn’t good by the question itself. ‘can we talk?’ is never good.

pulling out the faded, beige butterfly from your pocket, and gently putting it within his hold, “i can’t do this anymore,” you whisper, wishing you could at least say it loud and clear.

“why? please, no. we can work this out,” he begged.

you meet his glassy gaze, and for a second you’re ready to reverse everything but you know it’s for the best, “we can’t.” you say curtly, turning to leave.

hot tears blur your vision as you begin to walk away, “why? we always work things out! you’re my best friend, my girlfriend, m-my soul mate! you can’t just leave me like this.” he shouted, sadness and bitterness filling his tone.

walking up to him and meeting his gaze again but more assertive this time, “san, we can’t. aren’t you tired? of all the constant arguments and jealousy. it's not supposed to be like this.” you chide, blinking back your tears.

san reaches for your hand, “i know, y/n, but-” you your hank away from his, “— san, don’t.”

san is silent for a minute as you turn around for the last time, “i’ve finally realized i can’t love you enough for the both of us. that isn’t fair nor healthy for either of us. and maybe one day you can give me back the paper butterfly once you learn to love yourself, but no one should love you more than you.” you finish over your shoulder before leaving him.

for the next few weeks, san attempts texting, calling, and visiting your house and you ignore every attempt. at night you cry wishing that san could hold you and in the daytime you mope because he’s not there to “annoy” you anymore. that’s just it. you lost your boyfriend and bestfriend in the same day.

almost, for the rest of the school year, you eat lunch in the bathroom and spend most of your free time at the library. it’s not like you had anyone to see. social distancing was your way of punishing yourself. it took you months to see that you didn’t deserve that just because you let san go. the pain hadn’t gone away completely but it hurt a little less everyday.

{present}

you giggle at a joke that your friend makes, it’s a dad joke but it doesn’t make it any less funny. over the years, you can say that the pain you experienced paid off. you got to watch from a distance as your ex-boyfriend and bestfriend, choi san, gain the self-love and confidence he needed. you didn’t have to talk to him to see the changes he made overtime. he smiles more, visually puts more effort into his appearance, socializes, he’s just glowing. you couldn’t be more proud of him.

“y/n? you okay? you’re kinda looking at a wall and smiling…” your friend asks, waving her hand in front of your hand. you hadn’t noticed that everyone had stopped talking to observe you.

jolting out of your thoughts to reality you reply quickly, “yeah, yeah! i’m good. i just thought of something,”

the first bell rings cutting off any thought or question she could ask you. you look over at her then to the rest of the group before checking your watch, “i have to go to the morning study hall,” you say, grabbing your bag and your breakfast muffin. your friend group yells their goodbyes as you exit the library.

once you get to the classroom for the morning study hall, you head straight to your desk but you're halted by a faded, beige butterfly lying there in the middle of your desk. you giggle slightly, picking up the butterfly. alas, you had your butterfly back. he remembered.

𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁

↳ a/n: i’ll come back to proofread, but i just wanted to say that you should always love yourself first!! and also, the butterfly is a representation of san kindof, atleast with how i tried to write it...

[missbrooklyn2you]

“This was all a bet?!”

Hi! I hope you enjoy my very first Gruvia fanfiction. Warning: lots of angst. If you like it, please show some love by liking, commenting, and reblogging. Thanks!

And yes, this is an AU. I call it “GreatHeart AU” where they are college students, but they still have their powers, and additional characters, places, and events may appear in the plot. For now, this is a oneshot, but very long!

Juvia bounded happily up the steps towards Gray’s apartment to celebrate their 7-month anniversary as a couple. The past few months flew by in a blissful blur as the cupcakes that she held in their cardboard package knocked against the edges. She remembered the first day that he asked her out.

“You want to go to the movies…. with me?” She asked, surprised.

His debonair persona exuded confidence as he flashed her a crooked smile. “I mean, why not? You’re so shy and quiet, and I would like to see what lies behinds those beautiful eyes of yours.”

“You can’t be serious...” She hung her head to use her blue curls to hide a smile that escaped.

“Serious as a heart attack,” he said, flashing her another wide smile. “Please? I promise you would have a good time.”

And they did. Followed by several others. She remembers all the nights of them falling asleep to her favorite shows, him scooping her up in her arms suddenly as they walked back from GreatHeart, the university they both attended, which never failed to make her laugh as she begged him to put her down.

She toyed with the necklace that hung from her neck, a beautiful rose gold pendant with her initials in cerulean blue. She struggled to stifle a smile as she reached into her pocket, and pulled out a key for his apartment, one that he had given her just two months ago. Her mind traveled back to that moment.

“You want to give me a key to your apartment?” She asked in between bites of her blueberry muffin. They had just left their literature class and were grabbing a snack at the local cafe. The question came out of nowhere. “But why?”

“Because I want you to be able to come over whenever you want.” He said calmly, placing the key in her soft palm as she was left aghast at his request. “If anyone should be able to visit me whenever they please, it’s you, Juv.”  

“I can’t. I really shouldn’t- “

“Well, I’m not taking no for an answer, baby girl.” He sang as he leaned back in his chair and smiled to the ceiling. “Not taking no for an answer at all.”

By the time she drew herself back to the present, she was already in his apartment, setting the keys down on the countertop in the kitchen.

“Where could he be?” She whispered to herself as she turned the corner to the corridor, which led to his room. “Of course, in there.”

She quietly approached his door and turned the handle soundlessly. It seemed as if he was engrossed in a conversation to even notice her presence. She opened her mouth to speak when she heard Jules, a good friend of his on the other end of the phone. It was on speaker.

“Man, what?!”

“I know, today is our anniversary and I have something special in mind for her. But first, I will have to come clean to her about our agreement.”

“No way, man! I can’t believe you!” Jules roared with laughter on the other end as he struggled to compose himself. “I can’t believe you actually fell for that broad! Imagine how she is going to react when she finds out that the only reason you asked her out was because you lost a bet with me and Miles. We had to threaten you to even speak to her!” He laughed again. “I mean, seriously. Did she believe that a weirdo outcast like her would actually have a chance with Gray Fullbuster? She’s dumber than she looks, man. Surely, you don’t have real feelings for her, man.”

Juvia’s heart fell into her stomach as she listened on in horror. A bet? The only reason they had this relationship, was because of a bet? Hurt and anguish twisted her stomach into knots, tears pricking at the side of her eyes. The cupcakes dropped from her hands as she covered her mouth to stifle a sob.

Gray spun around in his computer chair before paling at realizing what Juvia had just heard.

“Juvia- “

She didn’t allow him to finish as she picked up the cupcakes and hurried off down the corridor to the front door. She had to get out of here. Before her floodgates opened and she had a complete breakdown in his apartment. The same apartment where they have laughed and smiled together. The same apartment that she woke up in after countless study sessions having run late. The same apartment that she vowed she would move into when she graduated.

Gray’s voice rang throughout the small complex as she strode to the door. “Juvia!”

The door was right there. She reached for the bronze knob before it completely casted over with ice, freezing it shut.

“Juvia, let me explain!” He said as he reached for her and spun her around in his arms.

“Juvia has heard enough.” She stated calmly as she lifted her hands into formation to cast a spell.

“Juvia, just let me- “

“Water Restraint!”

Before he had a chance to react, he was pulled to the far side of the living room, where an abstract painting hung on the tan colored walls. His wrists and ankles were bounded to the wall as he hung there like a rag nailed to a wall.

“Please just let me explain!” Gray said as he struggled against her restraints. Although made of fluid, this spell made her water impenetrable, as tough as steel.

“Explain what exactly?” She said as she slowly spun around to face him as she stood in the center of the room now. “Explain how you lied to me? Allowed me to believe that you actually-” She cut herself off in a bitter laugh as she paced the room, her blood as hot as lava as it coursed through her body. She pushed a strand of hair back from her face as she faced him again. His face was unreadable. A mixture of regret and pain painted a look that she had never seen before, the very face that she dreamed of every single night since that fateful day he asked her out.

“You actually made me think that I was someone that you liked. Loved even!” She thrust a finger in his direction as she glared at him. “How many times?” She asked slowly as she elevated herself to his level through a water disc that she had conjured up.

“What do you- “

“How. Many. Times? How many times have you told me that you loved me in this very room?!” She screamed furiously, her rage coming to a peak. “How many times have you kissed me and held me and whispered any and everything to me, all the things that I longed to hear from you? The things that I replayed in my head over and over again until they became my inside voice? Until every morning, the first person on my mind would be you, the person that I would try to make time to see every day between Ms. Gary’s class every Thursday? Or the person who I couldn’t wait to talk to each night, just to hear your voice?”

Her voice went to one of pleading as she searched his eyes, their noses nearly touching. “Huh, how many times?”

“Juvia, just let me say something. Please…”

She drew herself backwards on the disc as she looked at him, desperate to hear anything now. Her silence was a cue for him to talk.

His head hung down as his long dark hair covered his face, his voice so low, she strained to hear him.

“It’s true. I told you numerous times that I loved you. And at first, it was because of the bet, I will admit. But then, it became true.” His eyes lifted to meet hers. “Every single thing that I said to you since then was true. I was a jerk to use you like that, and sorry is not even the word to describe how I feel right now.”

An iron fist gripped her heart as she stared at him, urging him to continue. At the very moment, breathing took all the energy in the world as she listened on. His head hung back down.

“Everything that I have said to you in this very apartment had been true. At first, I tried to prove to myself that it wasn’t real. To remind myself that she was all a bet and that I didn’t have any true feelings for you. That after a month, I would just ghost you and never have feelings for you. But I was wrong. So wrong. I love you more than anything in the world, Juvia Lockser. You mean the absolute world to me.” His eyes lifted to meet hers again. “You are the strongest person that I know, the person that has helped me to realize what love truly is. That love is the feeling that you get when they are the first person that you want to call when something bad happens. The first person you want to call when something good happens. The person who you fall asleep on the phone with every night as you just listen to them talk and talk, never getting tired of them. And you hope that they don’t stop talking because you want to remember that same voice in your dreams as you go to bed that night. You helped me become a different person, Juvia. I know that there is more to life than just girls and partying every night. But it’s coming home and seeing you make brownies in my kitchen because you heard I flunked my final after studying so hard with you for weeks over it. That it’s wanting to spend every waking moment with you. Please, just give me another chance, Juv. Please.”

Juvia hung her head as she released Gray from the restraints, gently easing him back down to the soft carpet beneath them. Gray reached for her cheek to look at her, causing Juvia to draw back wordlessly as she toyed with the chain that hung from her neck. After a few moments, she unclasped it and held it in her hands.

“Juvia, no. Please.” His words pierced her heart as she tightened her grip on it. “Don’t……”

His voice trailed off as she reached for his hand and gently placed it in his palms, wrapping his fingers around the jewelry. The front of her shirt was damp with the tears that had fallen and her voice hoarse.

“Juvia is glad of all the moments that she and Gray have spent together. She will always have love for him. Always.”

A ghost of a smile crossed Gray’s face as he took a step towards her. “Juvia...” he said, breathlessly.

Her face lifted as she met his eyes with hers for one last time.

“But Juvia cannot love a liar. No matter how much she loves him.”

Air. Gray needed air. So much air. Right now, he could hardly breathe as he looked at the woman that he had fallen in love with. Her sapphire locks matching the orbs that looked back at him, her face red and puffy from crying. He would never be able to look into these eyes again. To watch them light up as he told a corny joke or watch them flutter open and shut as she tried desperately to fight a long needed rest, just so she can talk with him for five more minutes. He dropped to the carpet as his knees buckled underneath him. He stared at the carpet, stricken.

“Goodbye, Gray.” Juvia breathed as she ventured towards the door. Everything in her was broken. Shattered. The beautiful relationship that blossomed over these past few months vanished as sand in the wind.

“Goodbye, Juvia.” Gray whispered as he heard the door click behind her. “Goodbye.”

Edit: If you have any thoughts or would like to see a part two (with a much happier ending, possibly, let me know!)

[threeletterslife]

Prescient

→ [5/7] of the Glossary Series

→ summary: The tears roll down your cheeks for no reason. It frustrates you. Why does thinking of your future make you cry?

→ pairing/rating: taehyung x reader | PG

→ genre: lowkey 100% angst | coming of age!au

→ warnings: mentions of death

→ wordcount: 2.6k

♫: Nap of  a Star by TXT | Beautiful Pain by BTOB

A lazy smile spreads across your calm face, stretching your lips slightly more than their usual stern line. Your legs remain crossed as you lean back leisurely, eyes fixated on the busy street ahead. Bustling people, cars zooming way past the speed limit, the light breeze and smoke-tainted air are your daily encounters; they’re what makes the city so cordial.

 You can take the time to notice every detail, every nitty-gritty aspect of your city life. Maybe you’ll spot a lady with half-curled hair holding a hot, chocolate muffin and a steaming paper cup of bitter coffee and assume she’ll be late for work. You can further assume that the muffin and coffee are for her boss — to appease him for being tardy.

 Maybe you’ll spot some cars honking at each other in the distance, and instead of analyzing the fuming drivers, notice the meticulous details of the black tires carrying their vehicles. Maybe you’ll spot several pigeons fighting over a half-eaten sandwich. 

 And then there’s your favorite part — counting cars. Not just any cars, but the red ones. Something about the color excites you. Sure, it’s the color of fresh, spilled blood. It’s the color of vengeance, scorching destruction and anger. Burning infuriation. But it catches the eye, and that was that. Besides, cars had always fascinated you. It’s a vehicle that can take you anywhere you want to go — if you had a little bit of patience and gas. There are thousands, maybe millions of places to visit, and to you, each car you numbered gave you an indirect experience of a new town, state or parking lot. So, sitting on the little porch of your apartment building, you’d count the red cars passing by. It was a tradition of your own.

 Just you, your city and the red cars. It helped pass the tedious days and took your mind off of stupid things from school. On rare days you were to get tired of counting, your eyes would wander around, resting on anything that a normal person would look past, but to you, it told a story.

 The abandoned lollipop that the ants were collecting near you? Maybe a little child dropped it and begged his mother for a new one — this time bubblegum-flavored instead of cherry that left a bad aftertaste on the tongue. Or maybe a clumsy teenager flung it because she was too lazy to find a trash can.

 The mysterious stain on the edge of the sidewalk? It could be a chewed up wad of gum that had been flattened out and darkened over the years. Or it could be the melted remains of a nice, chocolate ice cream.

 Those are the details you choose to see with such fastidious care. Or used to, anyway. Now, you just can’t seem to find the time to think, much less care about the small aspects of life. It’s been years since you’ve been able to count the red cars passing by your apartment building. Been years since you’ve been able to indulge in your delightful assumptions and stories about the city. Years since you’ve spent more than a couple seconds on that porch of yours.

 You yearn for the old days. The days of your youth where you could take the time to lose yourself in your far-stretched thoughts without worrying too much about the consequences of dilly-dallying.

 Now, everything seems to run on a tight schedule. Wake up at 5:30, eat, get dressed, go to school, come back home, do homework, eat, sleep only to wake up to do it all over again. It’s mundane, and it’s so not you.

 You’re a spontaneous soul — you’re not an organized robot. But hell, high school has even forced you to schedule your mental breakdowns. A particularly stressful day at school? Received a C+ on that presentation? (Public speaking had never been your thing.) You would come home after your classes, lock yourself in the bathroom and cry profusely (letting everything out) for exactly ten minutes before washing your face, fixing your hair and walking out of the room like you were completely fine. Any time over ten minutes would surely cut into your sleep schedule, which you learned should never be sacrificed.

 It’s not exactly living hell. You’re almost as familiar with mental breakdowns and average grades as with the city you grew up in. You’ve learned to become immune. Not exactly stronger, but quite tolerant.

 Besides, sometimes, right before you go to bed, you’d reward yourself with some time to think before drifting off to sleep. It was almost what you looked forward to every day. Just you, your pillow, your covers and your thoughts. But lying in the dark limited your ability to perceive objects and assuming their stories. So, often, you found yourself contemplating your own future — something quite unusual for you.

 You had never really thought about yourself. It was always something you noticed about others, not things you noticed about yourself. It was a nice twist, you suppose. Especially to think about what to do in college, or maybe even after that.

 What college would you go to? A community college for a happier but (possibly) less successful future and (probable) lower income? Or a prestigious college for a stressful but (plausible) rich future? Would you find love anytime soon? Would you have kids? If you had identical twins, would you dress them up in matching outfits? Would your future husband love you, or be in love with you? Would you love him or be in love with him? Would you be able to find an adequate job? Have a steady income? Would you live in an apartment? Or would you move away from your beloved city for your partner?

 The questions, worries and possibilities were endless.

 And those nights full of thoughts always ended in the same way. Your eyes would turn wet with unexpected tears, which would roll down, wetting your pillow in a steady fashion. You’d always blink in confusion and quickly wipe the tears away — it’s as if you can’t control your own emotions. Thoughtful nights ended in complete silence and puzzlement in your part. You went to sleep with a slight crease line to your forehead. But it was addicting to think, even worry about the future and you found yourself keep coming back, no matter how embarrassing it was to cry without control.

 High school passed by before your eyes. And you fared pretty well, in your opinion. Things were starting to get better. You still cried at any thought of the future, something you just assumed was some sort of dumb allergy at this point. But you were more relaxed and able to make more time for yourself.

 You met Kim Taehyung along the way, and he helped you find your spontaneity once more. Friendship turned into a relationship, and you were starting to see light in your future — even if you wept while thinking of it.

 “You shouldn’t worry too much about what’s to come, Y/N.” Taehyung smiles softly at you, encompassing both of your hands in his. “Don’t you know?” He squeezes your hands. “You’re always stressed because you factor in all the consequences of the future to every one of your actions in the present.”

 You nod, leaning in to rest your head on his chest. “I know. I’m trying harder to learn how to live in the moment.”

 “So… wanna count some cars?”

 You gasp, pulling away from your boyfriend. “But the English final is tomorrow! We have to study! If we fail that class —” Catching Taehyung’s look, you stop mid-sentence, smiling sheepishly.  “Sorry, it’s just hard not to worry.”

 “Y/N…” Taehyung laughs. “You’ve been studying for that final for months already, give yourself a break!”

 You huff. “Okay, okay. You know what? Let’s count cars. I call the red ones!”

“Thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty —”

 “Will you stop counting out loud?” you laugh, lightly slapping Taehyung’s arm. “You’re literally flexing that you’re counting more cars than me!”

 “Well, I did play it safe. Red’s just not too common for a car color. Should’ve chosen silver,” Taehyung chuckles, tugging you closer to him. “We can always switch colors if you want.”

 “I’ll take my eight red cars with pride, thank you very much,” you reply, a grin pasted on your face as you lean your head against Taehyung’s shoulder.

 It’s silent for several minutes as both of you count the cars zooming past, and you relish in the peace. But your boyfriend nudges you slightly, softly squeezing your intertwined hands. You can tell he has something to say.

 “Hey, do you ever think about us?” Taehyung whispers.

 “Us?”

 “Yeah, like, us in the future, you know?” he clarifies, his voice soft and hopeful. “After high school…”

 “Of course I do,” you say, giving Taehyung a soft smile. You imagined the wedding, the children, even up to retiring together. Your mind slips past reality as you fall into the fantasies inside your head. You can almost smell the small, cozy home the two of you will share, feel the soft, pastel pink blanket for the baby. You can see Taehyung, slightly older, possibly with a well-trimmed beard, cuddling you in bed. The mattresses encompass your close bodies as the morning light floods through the glass windows. The curtains flutter from the light breeze outside and the birds chirp on a branch nearby, singing a bright tune to welcome you and Taehyung to a new day. It’s the epitome of peace, of happiness.

 “Y/N, baby, why are you crying?”

 You’ve done it again.

 “I’m so sorry, Y/N,” Taehyung says, hugging you as he pats your back. “You didn’t have to think about us in the future if you didn’t want to. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to force you. Please don’t cry…”

 You’re just speechless, face buried in the comfort of Taehyung’s chest as tears wet your cheeks. “I… I—”

 “Y/N…” Taehyung breathes. “Is there something you want to tell me? Are you okay?”

 You almost contemplate telling him. But then again, he’ll worry if you do. So instead, you put a strong smile on your face and laugh. “No, don’t be sorry,” you say, tugging away from Taehyung’s chest as you attempt to wipe your tears off your cheeks. “I just get bad allergies these days. Must be the pollution, you know?”

 Your boyfriend looks at you skeptically, so you kiss his cheek. “Trust me, Tae. You only make me smile. You know that.”

 Taehyung sniffs but nods, bringing you into him. “I know…” He rubs small circles into your hand as you sink deeper into his arms. “Just promise me you’ll stop worrying so much.”

 “I’ll try.”

Now, life is not so mundane anymore. You don’t give yourself the time to sit down and think — living in a rush cleared mountains of worries away.

 It’s been quite a while since you’ve cried for contemplating your future, been a while since you’ve counted cars too. Been a while since you’ve seen Kim Taehyung.

 You’re still with him — he’s going to propose sooner or later. But he hasn’t called you in a while, ever since he left the country for school. You’re too busy to notice though. You’ve found that if you half drown yourself with work, you’ll never have time to think, let alone eat or sleep.

 It’s a life that suits you though, living in a rush that is. Maybe you were just never meant to waste your time dwelling on insignificant details.

 You wake up when it’s still dark out, quickly getting dressed in silence and making your way to the kitchen for some coffee. While the hot drink is brewing, you open up your laptop to scroll through emails. And you only start sipping your coffee once you’re on your way to your part-time job.

 Every day is quite the same, but it’s almost as if you don’t notice — you have better things to do than reflect on that. It’s fun to hurry, to rush things, to challenge yourself to get everything done in such little time. It adds excitement to your life, which might just be why you crave it so much.

 You’re quite impatient now. You can’t stand having to wait for anything — especially pedestrian buttons to finally signal the lights to shine green. In fact, you’re rolling on the balls of your feet, waiting for the slow traffic light. It doesn’t help the fact that you know Taehyung is finally back and is waiting for you at a restaurant on the other side.

 You think you’ve waited for at least five minutes (you know for a fact since your trusty watch is always quite literally at hand). The light still shines an annoying shade of red. It’s strange that the same red that you used to love so much now staunches your urge to hustle.

 You’d hate to keep Taehyung waiting, especially since you suspect that he’ll propose tonight. You check your watch again, then look up at the traffic light. Still red. With a huff, you hastily look to your right to see empty roads. Shrugging, and without a second thought, you bolt off the curb, running to the other side, heart racing to meet Taehyung after so long.

 Every step takes you closer to your boyfriend, and you laugh to yourself because you realize you should’ve jaywalked sooner. A smile stretches out on your face. You hope Taehyung hasn’t been waiting for too long. You wonder if he’ll look any different from the last time you’ve seen him. You wonder if he’ll smell the same, the fresh scent of an open meadow. You wonder if your fantasies about the two of you together would come true. You wonder if he’s grown a beard, or if he’ll have a beard in the future. You wonder if you’ll decide on kid names in peace, or what furniture to furnish your shared home. You wonder if he loves you now and if he’ll be in love with you in the future. You wonder —

 But then there’s a screech, a scream. You don’t know if it had come out of your throat, or someone else’s. Then it crashes into you. 

Your body is flung across the rough concrete. You hear horrible, blood-curdling sounds of snapping, cracking. You hear your own shallow breaths. Others’ screams. You can’t really see anything. But you feel pain. Seconds pass. You can’t seem to register your own agony.

 Your sight keeps flickering from a black screen to a blurry outline of the black cement. Red is seeping through it. Red liquid, a similar shade to the cars you used to count. It’s hazy. Everything is. Excruciating, unthinkable torment. Like torture. As if you want it to stop, but it won’t. Every second your mind spends awake is like living hell. You don’t know if it’ll stop; if it’ll even stop.

 There’s a persistent ringing in your ears. You don’t know where it’s coming from. It’s like you forgot how to breathe. Your head feels like it’s being ripped apart by two large hands. Like they were striking your brain with a metal bat, but slowly, taking their time to see how long you would last. There’s still screaming, suffering, internal chaos.

 It’s torture. You can’t stand it.

 Then everything stops altogether.

 Your eyes are still slightly open, wet with hot tears from the last fleeting thoughts of a future with Taehyung you had just seconds before your death. The future you’ll never get to have.

 Maybe it was this point in your life that you had known, all along, subconsciously, was inevitable.

—masterpost

—masterlist

[starwriter22]

Fearful of Love // pt. 3

Word Count: 2.2k 

Genre: Romance/Angst 

Part 1 || Part 2

“A simple hello could lead to a million things.” – Unknown

~

November 8th

“You know, you didn’t answer my text last night.” Jungkook brought up as we both walked away from campus, “Does that mean yes?”

I looked at him, the urge to kick his shin stronger than ever before, “I just met the guy two days ago, how on earth can I tell you whether I am interested or not? Besides I’m not looking for a relationship. I already have enough on my plate.”

Jungkook looked over at me, scanning my features, and I tried to mask any emotions present on my face. We stared at each other for a moment, before he finally gave up and looked away in defeat.

From what I gathered, yes Taehyung was a very nice guy. But I wasn’t interested in him, I wasn’t interested in anybody in that way really. While school played a big part in the reason why I didn’t care for dating, it was also because…I just didn’t like putting myself in a position to possibly get hurt.

Jungkook probably didn’t realize it but I kept a good distance between us. Getting close to people was a thing of the past for me. It was too much, putting your trust in someone, thinking that everything was alright and that they could never betray you, only to have your heart crushed because they decided all of a sudden that you didn’t matter anymore.

I wasn’t bitter due to my past experiences in this area of life, you live and you learn, I’m just more aware and cautious now. I won’t put my heart and trust into just anybody, hell I may never put them into anybody. Friends and people in general, although nice to have around, were not trustworthy. They could be the most honest person in the world, but even someone who claims to be a saint can mess up and hurt you. We are all imperfect, I can honestly say I’m far from perfect, so why risk having my heart broken again? It was a sad way of thinking…but it was the truth and I understood and accepted it whole heartedly.

“Hey…” Jungkook said suddenly, his voice softer than before as he placed a hand on my shoulder, “Are you alright? I didn’t mean to upset you-”

“It’s fine, you didn’t upset me Jungkook.” I said, giving him a smile as I realized we were at the coffee shop. “Thanks for walking me to work, I’ll see you later okay?”

He eyed me carefully, still skeptical, but accepted my words. He waited until I made it into the shop before walking away, allowing me to finally take a breath I hadn’t known I held.

“Good morning, Boss!” I said, tying my apron on and smiling at the man who was currently making a design with milk on a latte.

“Good morning, kiddo. Thank you for coming in today, I know you’re supposed to be off all this weekend.” He said, finishing the cup and starting on the next one.

“It’s fine, I probably would have spent the day sat in bed anyways.” I said, grabbing a tray so I could deliver the two finished cups of coffee. “Which table does this belong to?”

“Table four.” He said, placing the cups on the tray carefully before handing it to me, starting on the next order.

I walked out to table four, placing the drinks on the table and giving a bright smile before going on to the next table. Time went by quickly, filled with taking orders, giving them to the boss, and taking the orders to tables. It was a particularly busy day, which was understandable being that it was so cold and the end of the weekend. Basically the perfect time to come and get something warm to drink and relax without worrying about making it to school or work. I would probably sit at a table with a good book or my laptop too if I weren’t working.

After delivering two hot chocolates and two lattes to a group of four, two boys and two girls possibly on a double date, I placed the tray under my arm and walked to the next table.

“Hi welcome, what can I get you?” I asked, going to a free page on the notepad I took orders on and flashing a bright smile. My smile only widening as I saw two familiar faces, a boy with a head of red hair howling with laughter and another with a head of brown hair blushing furiously.

“Hey.” Taehyung said, sending a dirty look to Jimin across the table who continued to laugh.

“Do you guys need more time or…?” I asked, my ears perking at the sound of the small bell at the counter alerting me that another order was ready.

“No no! May I have a cappuccino please?” Jimin asked after his laughter finally died down.

I nodded, writing down the order before turning to Taehyung, “And for you?”

“I’ll have a hot chocolate and a strawberry muffin please-”

“Oh a muffin sounds good! Can I have a blueberry muffin?”

“Yep I’ll be right back with it.” I said with a chuckle, before walking away to the counter.

I passed the orders to the boss before grabbing the new drinks, raising an eyebrow as he looked at me with a small smile. “What?”

“I didn’t say anything!” He said, going back to making drinks.

“No your expression says otherwise. What are you thinking about, sir?”

A grin broke out on his face, “Nothing just go and deliver the drinks, ma’am.” He said, placing two more drinks on my tray before turning his back to me.

“Whatever…” I said, eyeing his back before delivering the drinks.

After fifteen minutes I was back at Taehyung and Jimin’s table, about to leave to the next table after placing the items down when Jimin gently took a hold of my wrist to keep me from leaving.

“Taehyung has something to ask you.” He said, looking over at his friend.

I raised an eyebrow, turning to Taehyung who seemed more flustered than I expected him to be. Then again being put on the spot by your friend would make anybody flustered.

“I do…um…when do you get off of work?”

“I get off of work at five today, why do you ask Kim Taehyung?” I asked, completely entertained by the state he was in.

“I was wondering if you would like to hang out after you get off of work.” He asked, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

I couldn’t help the smile that began to stretch across my lips. I walked over to him, ruffling his hair, “Sure, I’ll be waiting.”

I didn’t stay to see his expression as I moved to the next table.

~

“Are you waiting for someone?” My boss asked as he watched me sit at the table I had been wiping down moments before, staring out the window and searching through the rain pouring down.

“Hmm?” I looked away, watching as he grinned. “Shut up.”

“Does the miss have a date?”

“Sir…”

“You do!”

I rolled my eyes, fighting off the smile that tugged at the corner of my lips as he started laughing, clearly enjoying the thought of me going on a date way more than he should.

“It’s not a date; we’re hanging out at friends.” I clarified.

“You’re still going out nonetheless, I hope you have fun.” He said, just as a knock came at the locked entrance.

I stood to my feet faster than I should have, earning another laugh from the boss as I fixed my sweater and jacket before walking to the entrance. I unlocked it and smiled at Taehyung, noticing the large black umbrella and snapback he wore that shielded him from the rain.

“Hi-”

“Hello!” The boss yelled from behind me, cutting me off completely, and I rolled my eyes.

“Ready?” Taehyung asked, and I ran into the shop to grab my bag before coming back.

“Yep let’s go.” I said, stepping out into the rain and getting under the umbrella. Cringing as the boss yelled something about having a good time and calling us lovebirds.

The sound of raindrops and our shoes colliding with the wet pavement filled the silence between us. The farther we walked the less familiar our surroundings became. I didn’t know the area we were walking in existed, unfamiliar stores that I had the strongest urge to go into and explore popping up in our little walk.

“So where are we going?” I asked after ten minutes, looking up at Taehyung who had a small smile on his lips.

“Do you like games?”

“Yes I do.”

“Then you’ll like the place we’re going to.” He said before guiding me inside of a store with bright colorful lights and a few people of different ages inside.

He shook the water off of his umbrella before walking inside and after further inspection I finally realized we were at an arcade. I couldn’t keep myself from bouncing on the balls of my feet as I noticed the guitar hero arcade game in the corner of the room.

“Excited?” Taehyung asked, chuckling as he watched me.

“Very! I haven’t been to an arcade in years! I didn’t even know this place existed.”

“What are we waiting for then?” He asked, before he led me to grab tokens.

After paying for a cup of tokens we went straight to playing.

Two rounds of guitar hero, three rounds of some random racing game, skeeball, pacman, and nearly every other game in the arcade later we were stood playing air hockey. I was currently winning with four points and Taehyung losing with three.

“So were you born and raised in Seoul?” I asked, managing to dodge the fast puck that Taehyung sent my way.

“No, I was born in Daegu. I moved to Seoul last year when I enrolled in college.” Taehyung responded, halting his talking to dodge the puck I nearly got into his goal. “What about you?”

“I was born in America.” I said, letting out a groan as he finally made a goal. “But I moved to Seoul when I was thirteen.”

“Is America everything we think it is here in Korea?”

I laughed, “Yes and no, it’s definitely worth visiting if you want to go and see for yourself.”

He hummed in response, managing to hit the puck hard enough for it to leave the board. I laughed as he ran to get, returning with a tint of red on the tips of his ears form embarrassment.

“So when did you start working at the coffee shop?” He asked, quick to change the subject from what just happened.

I hit the puck again determined to win, “I started working there about four months before I enrolled in college. I’m currently trying to pay my tuition while working. Do you have a job?”

He nodded, hitting the puck in my goal again and letting out a loud cheer. “I work at a pet shop not too far from here in my free time but I wouldn’t call it a job. I enjoy it too much.” He said, chuckling. “But I managed to get a full scholarship. So I’m fortunate enough to not have to work to pay for college.”

“Lucky you,” I said, hitting the puck into his goal while he was distracted, “How did you get a scholarship?”

Taehyung pouted, putting on a serious game face that made me laugh at the intensity. “My school worked with the college and rewarded it to me. I was an honor student, had the highest ranking in my school and had a really good record.” He said, dodging the puck. “I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m bragging because I’m not. It sometimes just comes off like that.”

I shook my head, dodging the puck. “Don’t worry it doesn’t. But even if you were bragging, that’s definitely something to brag about. You’re really smart; no wonder you were rewarded with a scholarship.”

He ducked his head, “Thanks.”

Ten minutes later Taehyung finally won, rejoicing loudly and doing a victory dance that was actually more entertaining than the game, my hand covering my mouth to keep my laughter from getting too loud as I watched him.

With no more tokens left we started making our way back to campus.

“So can I ask a question?” Taehyung asked suddenly once we made it back to the dorms, clearly nervous based on his body language.

“You just asked one.” I said in the hopes of removing the pressure, smiling as he laughed at the lame joke. “Go ahead.”

“Do you want to exchange numbers, you know so we won’t have to depend on bumping into each other to talk.” He asked, fishing his phone out of his pocket and unlocking it before handing it to me.

I took it, putting my number in and my name before handing it back. “Text me so I can save your number, okay?”

“Okay.” He agreed, placing it in his pocket before bidding a goodbye, “Have a good night.”

“You too, Taehyung.” I said, beginning to go upstairs, noticing myself smiling as I made it to my dorm. As I headed to bed, half asleep, my phone let out a sound. When I unlocked it to read the text, my heartbeat began to pick up.  

Taehyung: I enjoyed tonight, thank you for hanging out with me :) – Received 10:08 pm

[lunaschild2016]

Worth Fighting For: Chapter 67 - Never Give Up

Rating M ( Language, Violence, There will be smut, Angst, Tragedy, Romance, Fluff)

@kenzieam@pathybo@jaihardy@ericdauntless@beautifulramblingbrains@bookgirlthings@jojuarez26@oddsnendsfanfics@offroadinjandals@singingpeople@iammarylastar@irasancti@captstefanbrandt@clublulu333@fuckthatfeeling@tigpooh67 @ex-bookjunky @jughead-wuz-here@badassbaker@beanzjellly@beltz2016@meganbee15@affabletimelady@scorpio2009@gylisaa@geekybeyondallreason@violetsonthelam@kyloswarstars @emmysrandomthoughts

Disclaimer: V Roth is the Van Gogh of this universe. I am just the girl with the paintball gun mucking the whole thing up!

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A/N: Alright guys. I have another installment for ya. It is more plot and twists. Things are starting to pick up and get real. The end of initiation is looming. Finally. Only took almost 70 fracking chapters! Also...the picture above contains a pic of the new character being introduced that will be pivotal in the story. The actor that completely inspired me for his creation is Michael Jai White. A complete badass and talented actor. Now that is out of the way.....

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Chapter 67 - Never Give Up

Eric

Morning meetings were always a pain in my ass. Especially when they drug me away from the rapidly dwindling down time I had available to spend with Kat. Last night had been a long one. Spent with Chase...chasing down informants and leads in our investigation for getting something done about Marcus Eaton.

That meant a few night raids on factionless. We had to be even more careful than normal because Chase and I knew now there was an element that might be on the right side of the law as far as factionless could be really.

It also meant I couldn’t tell Kat what was up and that isn't sitting well with me at all. I needed to find a way to keep whatever anger I had about Marcus, the factionless and this whole damn investigation out of my time or interactions with Kat.

It was fucking up the training sessions because I was using it as an outlet and she was goddamn letting me. I knew it was because she felt anger herself but also because she was choosing to see it as all part of the training.

Chase and I had been confronted by Zach last night. Kat had been upset about all the not so quiet whispering about me and what everyone was assuming I was doing to her. The three of us knew that this helped with keeping rumors of favoritism down so we would have to let it all play out.

It wasn’t like they were exactly untrue. I was being downright brutal with her. Even Chase was going harder on her than I think he had been trying to at the first. Going one on one with her himself he saw what I did. She thrived on it. There was something in her that made me want to push harder and harder each time, trying to find her breaking point.

I still felt the guilt afterwards when I got a first hand look at the aftermath. That was dulled somewhat by the fact that she was getting in some serious damage of her own to both of us. Watching Chase walk away limping and a split lip had caused a me to feel like I had a cheshire cat grin on my face whenever I thought back to that memory.

There was good and bad going on for me but it felt like everything was off and I hated that feeling. I have always hated my routine being fucked with and it had been royally screwed with lately. We still did the morning coffee in the dining hall but that was all that was the same since Kat had become a regular part of our day to day routine.

Seeing as how the shower and patching up after the morning training session had also become any real alone time I had with Kat, Chase and Zach had decided it was best to leave us to that time. They would show up a bit later and we left for our day to different area. But it was all off because there was so much that we weren’t talking about now.

This morning had been particularly strained after we had finally been able to track down a lead. None other than someone I had been really looking forward to having a….chat with...when I had first heard his name.

Alistair. The former Abnegation that was now even lower than the factionless. Something that I had never thought possible. It seems that he has been rejected by both sides of the factionless.

It turns out that he was kicked out of his initiation in Abnegation when it was found out he was carrying on relations with a dependent of the faction. The fact that it had also been a male dependent only a year younger was what saw him booted. He was bitter and angry and it was easy to see how it could confuse Kat so much to see how much he had changed.

Candor truth serum in one of their very secure and high clearance cells got everything we needed for a start. There were definite indications that Marcus was up to something with the factionless but so far nothing concrete on what that could be.

There are discrepancies on the supplies and it has Marcus scrambling to try and cover tracks now that Erudite can be present to observe and even help account for things. The most disturbing factor were raids and instances of supplies being stolen that weren’t reported right away.

Personally what was more disturbing were the rumors and things Alistair had observed that led him to believe that Marcus either allowed or gave information out for these. It was why he believed he was really booted out of Abnegation. Something he had witnessed during his initiation time had him in a tense questioning with Marcus three nights before he was ‘caught’ in his compromising position.

I am thumbing through my tablet going over normal security reports when someone slides into the seat right beside me and pushes a cup of coffee towards me. I don’t even look up, thinking it is just Chase.

I grab the cup and mumble my thanks when the voice of the reply has my head and eyebrow raising.

“No problem. Looked like you could use a cup.”

Raze is a few years younger than Max and came up in Dauntless when things were so much different. He had resisted becoming a leader for many years from what I am told and that had driven a wedge between him and Max. I have always thought that Max saw it as Raze abandoning or turning his back on his faction.

Because of this he wasn’t made Second in Command when it came time to replace Harrison; I was. Maybe it is just my paranoia but I have always felt the older man resented me for it.

So him out of the blue coming to sit beside me or offering me coffee has me puzzled.

“Raze.” My greeting sounds more like a question, I am that surprised by his presence.

He tilts his head and gives me a toothy smile. One that has been known to make his opponents in the fights he frequents in the Pit almost piss themselves. It might also have something to do with him being 6’2, 215 lbs of solid sleek and deadly muscle. He might be close to Max in age but neither of them look it and you wouldn’t want to piss them off either.

He might intimidate others, whether this is cocky or not, he never has me. I have been sure to stay on his neutral side though.

“Eric.” He greets back with that smile still in place before taking a drink out of his cup while looking around the smaller conference room being used for today’s meeting. It is extremely early and we happen to be the only people at the table. I can hear a few people milling outside in the reception area that branches off to a few of the junior leaders offices. Probably sitting around the table that has the coffee, muffins and other breakfast items available so it isn’t necessary to make a trip to the dining hall.

I take a sip from my coffee and wait, putting down my tablet in the process.

Raze swallows and gives a slight grimace before looking in his cup. “I hate the shit they have up here. I usually stick to making my own and bringing it. Sometimes I get down to the dining hall and grab a cup there.”

I nod in agreement about the coffee. It is shit. I think it is just the damn person that brews it up here. Maybe she spits in it...who knows. The thought makes me wrinkle my nose and put the cup on the table and move it away from me.

“Same here.” I replied and saw him smirk then push his own cup away.

“Maybe I should join you sometime. I’ve seen you a few times at ass early in the morning in the dining hall.”

He is looking at me from the side of his eyes and relaxed in his chair as if he doesn’t have a care in the world.

There is something in his tone but I can’t place it.

“Been my routine for years.” I nod, still trying to pick up where he was going with that.

“Seems like there has been a bit of a change to that routine, at least from the rumors I was hearing. I admit I was curious and had to check it out for myself this morning.”

Any emotion wipes from my face when I get exactly where he is going with this. I still don’t let on though. “Not sure exactly what rumors you are talking about. There are so many to pick from when it comes to me.”

I shrug and pick up my tablet, pretending to me unconcerned.

I feel his eyes on me and I turn my head slightly to look at him.

“I never was one for trying to be slick and play games so I am going to come right out and ask this. What is going on between you and the initiate? The one that was sitting at the dining hall table with you this morning. I want to know if the rumors are true.”

I feel my temper rising at his tone and the gleam he has in his eyes right now. “Again...there are so many rumors. Maybe you could help me out and tell me which one exactly you are talking about.”

Raze drums his fingers along the table and looks out the door again. Whatever it is he doesn’t want anyone else to hear for some reason.

“There are rumors you are trying to kill the girl. Then there are other, smaller in number mind you, that you might be trying to make her a protege of some kind, to spite Four.”

A little bit of amusement fills me at the fact that those two are probably the most whispered rumors going around Dauntless. Nothing at all about me and her being in a relationship.

Not sure how I fucking feel about that.

“Those are….interesting...assumptions.” I reply with a twist of my lips.

“Considering I saw the condition of her myself...I can say I find some merit to them. What I find even more interesting is the training session I observed this morning just after you left the dining hall.”

All traces of a smile leave me as I turn to him fully and my eyes go deadly. He smiles that toothy smile at me and his eyes spark with menace.

“Oh, I would watch how you look at me boy. Remember you might be second in command but I still have seniority on you. Anything….unfortunate... happens to Max...and it won’t mean you automatically take up the helm. I hold sway in this faction when and if I want to.”

“But you haven’t wanted or even tried to...and that counts for something here in this faction.” I reply back softly to him.

We stare at each other for a few more seconds. He is still drumming his fingers slowly on the table.

“I am going to let this slide only because what I saw peaked my interest enough. I will also give you a boon….you Erudite are all about those...aren’t you?”

My fists clench on the table in the slightest and I want to curse myself for the show of how much his dig got to me.

He doesn’t wait for a reply before he carries on. “It just so happens my interest was already peaked before this morning. In fact I was in that dining hall this morning because of something I overheard and observed last night.”

I tried not to let any worry seep through. I am not sure what he would have heard. Chase and I were out on the raid with Zeke last night. It was classified but if Raze wanted to he could have gotten the information somehow.

“That was?” I ask slowly.

“That initiate…” He looks at me and raises an eyebrow…”Kat, I believe is her name. She seems to be pretty good friends with those two friends of yours.”

I shrug in reply. “I don’t dictate who Zach and Chase deign to befriend.”

He gives a chuckle. “Whatever Coulter. Just so happens I was at the same bar they were at last night and heard some pretty interesting conversation.”

Fuck! I was going to kill them!

I motion with my eyebrows to tell him to go on. I don’t trust my voice to speak.

“Seems that little girl is a bit of a fireball. I can admit what she said had merit...so it got me interested. Enough that I want to know what the fuck you think you are doing with her in those training sessions.”

I was torn in my reply. When he was speaking, there at the beginning there had been a tinge of respect or something close to admiration. It turned as hard and deadly as his eyes when he looked back to me.

“I wasn’t aware you cared one way or another on the methods of training on incoming inductees. I have always been left to my own methods before.”

He grunts and narrows his eyes. “We won’t get into what I think about any of what you just tried to lay down. You know damn well that even for you what is going on with her is beyond the normal. I want to know why.”

“The initiate has had several and continues to have instances that warrant punishment.” I hold up a hand to stay him about to call me out. “You are right in assuming that isn’t the only reason for them. Each incident could have seen her thrown out but...I do see something that could be a decent soldier. I can’t let those things slide though.” I shrug and look at my tablet again as if it should be a given what the rest of my answer is.

“So it is a little of both the rumors?” He asks finally with a slight amusement in his tone.

I smirk without looking at him. “Something like that.” I reach out and take the cup of coffee again and take a small sip. “So what exactly did you hear that prompted this friendly little chat?”

Raze looks at me and gives another smile but I can tell he isn’t going to answer.  Instead he grabs his cup and rises. Before he moves away completely he looks at me with a smirk of his own. “I look forward to that cup of coffee tomorrow.”

Then he is off with me scowling at his back at his retreat to the little waiting area.

“Fuck.” I mutter under my breath angrily and then shoot off a message to Zach demanding what the fuck they had done last night.

                                                          X X X

My fist slams onto my desk as I growl out my frustration then try to breathe it out.

“I don’t know why you are getting all worked up. It wasn’t like it was anything big or something to set off a red flag that she’s divergent.” Zach replied blandly to my outburst.

“It sure as fuck drew unwanted attention to her though.” I snarled out the obvious.

Zach was quiet for a few minutes as we both sat thinking. I was thinking of how to contain or do damage control on another leaders interest in Kat. Also trying to think how Kat, Peter and Zach’s bar chat could be interpreted or what damage it could do if anyone else got wind of it.

“Look.” Zach sighed and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “Whatever comes of it we will deal with it then like we have been this entire time. I can tell you that everything she said was true but also it is a way for her to work through this shit more openly. It will help all of them.”

I gritted my teeth as I tried to let my logical side cool my temper. My brother continued on seeing that his words were having their desired effect.

“Think about it this way. We have three divergents in this group and their times are pretty good. Well, Kat’s will be once she gets over the need to fight every damn thing. This way having all those initiates talking about their fears with each other; it will give a reason for why they are doing so well. There are former Erudite and Dauntless born in that mix of initiates talking things out. They are going to be voicing ways to get through them that would explain how someone like Tris could be doing well.”

I let out a slow breath and nodded. I still wasn’t concerned with anyone else besides Kat really. If it wasn’t for the fact that the other two divergents we know about are close to her, one her sister and the other a brother in all but blood; then I wouldn’t be going out of my way to do anything for either of them.

It wasn’t that I wanted them caught or wished harm on them. I just couldn’t focus on anything but Kat. Knowing this but also realizing who those two are to her, it became Chase’s job to sort out how to help the other two.

“Fine.” I finally grumble out. “I get and she is right. I have to say I tend to side with Peter on this.” I grimaced deeply at this and Zach gave a snort of laughter after smirking. “No matter your new found fondness for the ex-Candor, I still can’t bring myself to like him.”

Zach shrugs but get a little red in the ears. “Maybe that’s because he can be just as big of an asshole as you. Maybe it cuts a little close to home and shows you exactly how you are.”

I grin widely then give him a mock pout. “Is Peter your poor man’s Eric?”

Zach glared and I could see real discomfort under the playful look he shot back at me. “Sure, we can go with that.”

I sigh and look at him apologetically. “Look man. I’m sorry. I just….well I mean...really? Peter? You could do so much better.”

He rolls his eyes back at me and laughs, the tension draining. “Nothing is happening. We are just friends.”

I can’t help it. I let out a real laugh that booms through my office and nod with a grin. “Yeah and that is exactly what I kept telling myself about Kat and I. Maybe you will have better luck than I did with that lie.”

Now he full on blushes but changes the subject to the investigation.

It was a strange chain of events that brought someone to finally peak interest in my friend. I still couldn’t really believe the turn of events that had Zach finally revealing why he had been so insistent Peter wouldn’t be a threat in any kind of romantic way with Kat.

Whatever brought it about, it had actually worked out rather well.

In the case that he did step out of line in any way I could still get my end of the bargain. I now had even more reason to practice my former anatomy skills if he did anything to hurt Zach.

For my brother’s sake I hoped that would never be a threat I had to carry through with because I wouldn’t hesitate if it came down to him or Kat.

                                                       X X X

I sit inside my apartment with Zach and Chase. There are bottles of beer in front of all of us and Chase has footage loaded onto the vid screen on my wall. We have taken to coming here after the days sims and reviewing all the initiates but specifically Kat, Uri and Tris’.

It is in the second week of the second stage of training and most everyone has gone through more than two to three of their fears. There are a few that are still stuck on the first or second one and look like they might never get past them.

Thankfully Kat isn’t one of those people.

It still pisses me off as well as amazes me that she has every ability to manipulate the sim, but she just doesn’t. Like there is a part of her brain that she has unconsciously turned off to prevent her from doing just that.

Tris is the opposite. She manipulates the sim with such fluidity that it is hard to tell she has even done it.

Uri is a combination of the two girls. On some fears it is involuntary reaction and the sim changes before he gets it back on track. Other times I can tell from Chase’s warnings to him and conversations with the young Pedrad, that he has worked to make sure not to change anything.

The initiates talking their fears out did seem to help those that could be helped. Attitudes were better about those that had the better times although I didn’t know how long that was going to last after rankings come out tomorrow.

Even Kat had gotten some help with her clown phobia from an offhanded suggestion by Will at lunch one day. It was playfully suggested maybe she just needed to go find a real life clown to get beating it to death out of her system. Will had suggested that maybe more exposure outside of the fear sims could help her to get over it.

Exposure therapy. I recognized it as one of the therapy treatments used in Erudite to help overcome a number of things. A more sinister use of it was exposing research or lab assistants to experiments that bordered on torture to build up their resistance for compassion or any kind of feelings of it being wrong.

Kat had taken it to heart and the run of theatre visits to view clown movie after clown movie began. Tonight she was at another one of them even though she had already passed the fear with the clown in it and moved on. She was on her third fear as of today.

Normally one of us would be there to make sure she didn’t freak out like the first few times she even tried to talk about it. Tonight we had this and other plans.

“You think she will be ok with just her friends?” Zach asked with a frown as we had moved on to watch Kat’s sim runs.

She was still fighting those fucking clowns. Still being ejected from the fear after slowing her breathing and heart rate in reflex of battle. The simulation programming is set up that after so many successful attempts to regulate those two bodies reactions; it will move the subject on. Kat has insisted that was cheating because she wasn’t doing it on purpose.

I nod in answer with a frown as I watch the sim change from her clowns to one of the same building. In this one bindings of some kind shooting from the ground in all directions and pinning her to the ground. The first time she went through this one she had tried and struggled to fight before it kicked her out. It still takes her a little bit to fight her own instinct so she can calm her body down and move on.

Her third fear is almost identical to one of her sisters but is a fairly common one for everyone. In some shape of form most everyone has a fear sim that has them in a body of water and in danger of drowning. This is the one that Kat has even admitted she doesn’t know if she can get through because the way to get out is to give up. To let go of control and go under.

This morning after she had confronted me about her fear that Tris is divergent she had also told me she was afraid she would never get past this fear. I had told her the truth, that I had almost the same problem.

In one of my fears I had been under ice with no way to get out. I couldn’t break through and I knew the only way to get out of that sim was so swim away from the ice knowing I was going to die. She already knew that I had been coached on how to get through my sims by just concentrating on regulating my breathing and to slow my heart rate. Even with that it hadn’t been easy to just not do anything.

“Zeke will be there along with his brother, Lynn, Mar and of course Peter. Even I have to admit that Peter has been pretty helpful in trying to keep Kat calm during all of this.”

I can see from the corner of my eye that Zach gives a small smug smile while I toss a glare at Chase. He just shrugs and goes back to watching the sims with me.

“If what we find out is true...are you going to tell Kat?” Chase asks softly after we had been watching footage of a different kind.

Some of it was live feed and some of it was old feed.

My hand tightened around the bottle of beer I was tipping up and drinking from. They were both looking at me until I drained the bottle in one go and it slammed it back down on the coffee table.

“No.” I ground out.

I heard both of them sigh loudly and I can tell they aren't happy with my answer.

“All these fucking secrets. We said we would never do that.” Zach started to complain.

“You think I don’t fucking know that! You think I don’t feel like shit having to keep all this from Kat? Knowing how she is going to react when it does all come out? You guys aren’t the one that it is going to come down on and I accept that responsibility. It is my call because it is needed. She needs to focus and not worry about any of that other shit.”

“That’s true but this has nothing to do with divergence or the investigation. She has a right to know about her sister and Four.” Chase offers and I snap.

I pop up and throw the empty bottle across the room and let out a yell.

“Shit.” Zach exclaims at the shatter and spray of glass everywhere.

“Dammit Eric. Calm down.” Chase jumps up and comes over with his hands raised as I whirl around on him.

Calm down! Calm down! I wish I could but I can’t even explain why Four being with Tris pisses me off so much. There is this...unsettled...worried...feeling inside of me and things keep running through my mind. They have been from the first suggestion by Chase that Kat’s sister and Four might be growing closer or are together.

“Talk to us, Eric.” Zach the resident and unofficial therapist of our group coaxes me. “We can’t help do what needs to be done unless we know what's going on.”

“I don't even know what's going on. All I know is I just can’t tell her. If I have my way I will find something to stop this shit now.” I rant while pacing.

“Why? I am trying to understand why them being together is such a big deal.”

Chase looks to me and then I see something in his eyes. Something is clicking for him. He frowns and folds his arms over his chest. “Because you think when she finds out, she will think she chose the wrong person. That knowing she is or has lost him will cause her to try to be with him or regret that she is with you.”

His words, the truth of them, hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel the wind knocked out of me and I bend over a little to hold onto my knees.

Fuck this feeling sucks beyond belief. The hurt I feel just at the thought of losing her at all much less to him. The thought that what I knew all along is right. That there is no way she could really fucking want me.

“Fuck.” I yell and look at the bottle of water being held out to me. I was so thrown off I had actually been fighting off throwing up. I reached out without looking at who was giving it to me and ripped open the lid before chugging some back.

There was a pressure in my chest that also had my breathing all off.

“Fucking perfect. Having a goddamn panic attack.” I mutter out loud and go throw myself back on the couch.

I close my eyes and slow my breathing. I know they are still there but they aren’t saying much. Damn what they must think of me right now.

I brace myself and look back to them. Understanding is all I see but especially from Chase.

“You know that would never be the case. Even if there had never been anything between you two I can tell you that it would never have happened with them.” Zach says with complete certainty.

“I wish I could believe that. I want to believe that. My mind plays on all they shared and how long they knew each other. If he hadn’t done what he did to her…”

“But he did, Eric. There is no changing what he did so don’t even go there. She is here and wants you now. That's what matters. I don’t see that she is going to react well but only because I think she will be hurt about her sister and Four not being open with her.” That seemed to be Zach’s final word on it because he looked away and let me compose myself.

This was the danger of letting someone in and tying so much of yourself to them. In letting emotions take hold of you at all and giving anyone any kind of control over yourself.

We sit in the dark and quiet of my apartment and watch the monitors. When we see what we all expected to see, confirmation that the two ex-abnegation are involved, I know I am at some kind of cross roads.

I can embrace all this bullshit and bad that comes along with letting someone in; or I can turn my back on all of it again. I can harden myself and turn it all off so that I never risk getting hurt. Being destroyed completely. I don’t really fear much. I don’t fear dying but I do fear not dying well. When it comes to Kat it seems like there are nothing but fears plaguing me.

Almost eight years I have been in this faction and I never really had to embrace my fears, not until this moment.

I lean my head back and watch as Chase cycles through the cameras in the compound until he stops on one that focuses on who I need to see the most at this moment.

Kat is in the Pit with her friends; laughing and smiling at whatever Zeke and Uriah are going on about. Leaning forward slowly I release a pent up breath of frustration.

What was I thinking. There is no way I am walking away from this or from her. Not only would it be cowardly as fuck and giving up; something there is no chance in hell I would do. It also wouldn’t matter, she’s in me too deep.

She’s in my veins, the air in my lungs...all that poetic bullshit. She’s it. I fucking love this girl and there is no way I am running away from that.