#prescription oxy was really the stuff everyone wanted

[rbbtruther]

.

[ofjcnnys]

closed starter: @theshanemartis​ when: day 10, early morning where: camp

As everyone either simmers down or fucks off to do something with their day, Jenny starts to feel better. Minimally, anyway. There was still this overarching worry that they hadn’t reached the end of whatever they had gone through the night before. They had slept a little, but not in any sort of way that would actually let them rest. They weren’t experiencing things that weren’t there as violently as they had through the night, but they were still struggling to know what was real and what wasn’t. Lying in the sand, they fiddled with the old thread around their wrist as they thought through everything. The thing that kept returning to their mind was how their last episode– though they hesitated to call it that even in their own head, had ended. A broken arm, and prescription for heavy duty pain killers. They could remember feeling so out of it, and depressed all the fucking time, but at least they weren’t seeing and hearing things that weren’t real. They weren’t obsessively overthinking every little thing in the world when they’d been drugged up like that. 

But without access to Google, they really didn’t know how similar Oxycodone was to Vicodin. However, they had Shane. They remembered how quickly she’d been able to identify Jill’s pills. And they remembered seeing her slip one in her hoodie pocket. They didn’t know why she’d done that, and they didn’t really want to ask her either. They just wanted to know if it could help them like Vicodin had. They shifted where they lay, rolling on their side so they could face Shane. Allowing a beat before they asked “ How much do you know about Oxy? ” Unable to hide that they’d been thinking about the pills for a bit of time. “ It’s like a heavy pain killer, right? For after surgeries and stuff? ” 

[cosmosogler]

hawaii part 3

hmm yes it does appear that i left writing the journal off until 11:30. that was a mistake. i got distracted. it’s easier to not think about things than to think about things. it’s... easier to think about other things too.

reading my post yesterday in order to get my bearings i realized how much i dislike the way i “sound.” no wonder everyone treats me like a man baby.

the public beach was fine. i didn’t want to stand around at the hotel and play pokemon all day so i went to a beach with bigger waves with my brother, austin, thomas, dad, and uncle mike. the neighbors came too, later. everyone except me and uncle mike was out in the waves so i just sat in the shade in the soft dirt-sand and talked to mike about cook’s pines, which we had spotted at the very north end of the island. you could see out that far from this part of the beach. we also talked about pigeons since there were a lot of them. we talked a little bit about eve and how, when pounds want to get their animals adopted, they describe the animal using the most exotic breed in the mix. wiley is a “finnish spitz mix.” (look them up they’re super cute actually.) eve is a “greyhound mix,” even though mike said she acts way more like a black lab. he said they’re always skittish like she is. 

i couldn’t really argue with that. it is more exciting to say you have a half-greyhound than a half-black lab. and eve never shuts up when mike is around. she just howls and howls and runs away and howls from the other room even a little while after he’s gone. she’s done that since she was 3. i thought she would get used to him after a year or two, but i guess once she realized he was also her vet she kept a grudge. 

wiley likes him though.

i eventually stumbled out into the waves knee-deep to laugh at the boys and their boogie boards. i probably stood out in the sun for just a little too long. i had been upset that i’d forgotten the sun hat gramma bought for me... i dunno it’s just nice to stand with your feet in the ocean even if you’re not swimming. 

i didn’t stay out for too long though. i mostly had gotten up because my legs were falling asleep sitting in the dirt, and also because i had sat down less than a foot away from an anthill and dropped my shoes on top of it. i went back in the shade and talked to sierra a little bit and played some pokemon.

i don’t remember what we did for dinner after that. it’s kind of frustrating to go to dinners with my family. gramma and sharon heavily favor restaurants we are familiar with over restaurants that are good/are easier for 25% of us to eat at. ryan has the fatal peanut oil allergy, i’m vegetarian, my sister’s got a lot of dietary restrictions and is generally picky, austin’s not allowed to touch nuts since his brother’s so allergic. gramma can’t eat red meat but we go to steak houses all the time. thomas won’t eat anything but hot dogs and sometimes pizza.

the next day was the last day on maui. my sister, claudia, uncle dave, and i broke off from the group to go to the aquarium. i didn’t realize that my family wasn’t joining everyone else for lunch so i didn’t think to say goodbye to anyone when we left the hotel. that kind of sucked. the aquarium was nice though. i sent a lot of pictures with one-liners and snarky comments to asher. i also took a ton of videos, which i forgot to show him when we hung out today.

after that (and some shopping) my sister and i had to wait in the shopping center after dave took claudia back to the hotel. we waited for like 40 minutes for our family to pick us up. we had some ice cream. the car ride over to ihop sucked. it was just the worst. my parents would yell at each other, and then demand unreasonable things from my sister (who had siri open), and then when my sister would get irritated she would get yelled at for raising her voice. my mom and dad acted like she was SO unreasonable for being frustrated with them. “i’m just such-and-such,” they would say, like “just” doing something excuses you from being a dick. “i’m just sayin.”

i hate “i’m just sayin.” it’s dad’s trump card for when he wants to “win” an argument. because if you get mad when someone is “just sayin” words, because “just” saying is so different from “actually” saying, then you are unreasonable and you lose!!!

at ihop i was too sick to eat and my sister was too sick to eat. then about halfway through the meal my brother cried out and put his hands over his eye. i was worried he had gotten hot sauce in it (i noticed the bottle next to his elbow) and suggested washing it out in the bathroom. he and dad didn’t come back for a long time. after we finished eating we dug out my sister’s eye drops and mom basically shot his eye with a jet of saline. also a guy who may or may not have been a tourist was there. he gave me conflicting stories over the span of our conversation. i wanted to focus on my brother but there wasn’t really anything i could do and the guy was very interested in talking to my family.

so then we went to the airport, and i played pokemon while waiting for the plane, which was about 40 minutes late. then we got on the plane and i watched the sun go down and listened to less than a full elo album before we landed on oahu. when we collected our bags and got the rental car my brother complained that his eye still felt like someone was jamming a needle into it and it had been seven hours.

so mom decided it was a good idea to give him one of her oxycodone pills. 

i have some feelings about this. mostly confusion, because i don’t understand why mother would have those pills in the first place. she’s always so harsh when she judges dad’s mom because she’s “addicted to pain killers” and “stole grandpa’s medication before he died” and “complains to the doctor too much so he’ll keep refilling her prescriptions.”

but you know what? 

mom stole my pain killers, my vicodin, when i had my wisdom teeth out. i had to go like five days with just tylenol when my jaw still wasn’t healed enough for me to even eat solids. when i talked to dad about it one time, years ago now i think, he seemed to imply that that was just something she does. 

i’ve met people who are addicted to oxycodone. it’s not a fun time. where the hell is mom getting such a powerful drug? who the hell is giving it to her? she has migraines. but i looked it up just now and oxy is a TERRIBLE  choice for treating migraines. and also it’s super addictive. 

and also i’m a stickler for rules i guess and i was super irritated that mom broke the rules and gave a prescribed medicine to someone who it had not been prescribed to. a powerful one! and she said this might mean she couldn’t take him to the emergency room!

at 11 after we had gotten settled into our new hotel room mom and dad took him to the emergency room anyway. i hope she got in trouble. my brother was super stoned. on the way to the hotel he was asking me stuff like what my major was and where i was going to school. he also made sammie-level bad jokes and laughed at them.

mom complained that we shouldn’t have pushed her to give him one. even though no one had told her to... even my brother was like “i don’t care just do something” at the time. 

so that night i didn’t fall asleep until 1, after my brother got back from the er. he had debris stuck in his eye and it had scratched his cornea. 

i had a dream that the monster didn’t want to kill me. it was after some equipment i had. a while into the dream i realized that not only could i teleport myself (sometimes i can do that), i could send other things away too. actually it was easier to Send Things Away than to teleport myself, which required a lot of brute-forcing my imagination into believing i had taken a huge step forward, sometimes up a wall or through one, instead of just a normal walking step.

it’s literally the best way i’ve dealt with a monster in my dreams basically ever. anyone around me it wanted to hurt, maybe as punishment? send them away. after the machine i had? send it away. “sorry dude, better luck next time.”

there was a lot more to it but it’s hard to explain in words that make sense when put in a sentence together. i wish i dreamed less in fluid images or impressions and more in solid ones.

well, even the solid images don’t always make a lot of sense... they make sense to me, in a weird way, but i can’t figure out how to make it make sense for everyone else. and drawing them is like looking into an infinite fractal. i can never put as much detail on the paper as i saw in my head and then it looks bland and strange and not what i wanted to communicate.

the next day i woke up at like 10:30, which is the latest i ever woke up during the trip. i even turned my alarm off. i felt sick all day. my family left to get lunch and i just stayed in the room because it hurt. in the evening we went to my mom’s cousin’s anniversary house gathering party. this is the cousin my mom doesn’t even like very much, due to gay. 

i didn’t have much food. i mostly talked to my mom’s other cousin and her family, and caught up with some people i didn’t know. the meal was jewish chinese hawaiian. i liked the pasta salad.

by 9 i was too exhausted to talk to anyone any more. i found myself blinking even more owlishly at the host’s collection of mugs painted with the faces of what appeared to be american presidents. there were like 40 of them. i had laughed when i saw them the first time and said “it’s good to have a hobby.” i guess as i got more tired i wanted to say more, but had less to say. so i just looked at them a lot.

i don’t know what i did with all that time. i don’t know what i spent my evening doing. my family was watching a different movie on each tv in the hotel room. we had the two-room setup again, but my brother and i had separate beds this time. it was frustrating because my feet and ankles would get caught in the blanket tucked under the bed. it was too hard to kick the blankets loose so i felt pressed down and restricted and that made it really hard to fall asleep. i have enough trouble getting my arms and legs into comfortable positions while i’m up and about during the day. i spend all night fidgeting and adjusting my weight and yanking my pajama pants around trying to get them to sit right. this happens every night. i’m uncomfortable all the time. my legs just won’t sit right and it feels like if i just kicked or flexed them i could maybe jimmy them into better positions but it never happens. so when i sit i kick my feet around all the time. and when i sit with my hands or arms against a surface i knead at it trying to get my hands! into! the Correct! position!!!

the correct position probably doesn’t exist. i’ve never gotten there before. all i can do is try to loosen up my muscles a little bit so i stop feeling so strained and uncomfortable.

the last full day i spent laying around mostly. i went and looked at the baby seal and took pictures and sent them to asher. i found anny and sarah on the beach but my legs fell asleep while i was sitting under the umbrella with them so i got up and left. i was also getting sunburnt again. i found mom at the hotel restaurant so i got lunch with her even though i didn’t want to. i got a fancy drink with dragonfruit and mango and stuff. i told mom i wasn’t hungry at all but she talked me into a sandwich that was way too big for me to reasonably eat and also like 20 dollars. i barely managed half of it. i gave the other half to dad when he showed up.

then we went to the actual anniversary party at a fancy restaurant. i was too tired to interact with anyone so i sat with my brother and sister and tried to track down a glass of water. my brother ended up with three, mostly as a joke on my part.

this is the story as i understand it. my aunts have been together for 20 years. marriage was legalized between 3 and 4 years ago, and they got officially married a few weeks after the law passed. we were here to celebrate their “anniversary,” though it may have just been the best time of year for everyone to travel. there were a lot of cute and touching speeches. i always enjoy uncle len’s terrible, terrible poetry. it’s actually better than mine at least.

hmm, well, maybe they’re about the same quality now that i’m thinking about it.

the food was very interesting. i was told the chef said he would have something “interesting” for me since i think i was the only vegetarian. i got some kind of briny rice with like a creamy green sauce. it was topped with asparagus and some little tomato cubes. and also really spongy looking mushrooms. and a cracker made out of cheese. i think it was asiago.

it was ok. i was tolerating it pretty well until i picked up a big mushroom stump and tried to eat that. the effect was immediate. i near gagged on how spongy and salty it was. it tasted like the ocean. the last time i accidentally swallowed ocean (a few days previously) i had thrown up immediately. as had my brother. we’re cool like that.

after that i wasn’t interested in eating any more. i had some of the dessert but didn’t really enjoy it that much. i think if i was feeling better i would have liked it more.

don’t tell no one, but we had assigned seats. when i got over to the table with my brother and sister i saw that i was assigned next to dad. i swapped my name card with my second cousin’s so i could sit next to my brother instead.

there were three performing sisters supplying the party with music. they were pretty good! when they came over to our table and asked for requests i said “please god anything but over the rainbow” and they laughed. they played some songs that their mother wrote. but at the end they made us all hold hands and sway together and sing aloha oe. i was bummed about that, mostly because i didn’t want to be standing, partly because i didn’t know the words, and partly because i really didn’t want to hold hands with anyone.

i had a lot of trouble falling asleep at a reasonable hour that night. i had more dreams, and i was thinking about them the next day, but i don’t remember what they were any more. the ride to the airport was stressful. i was crammed in the back with all the suitcases and every time we made a sharp turn i’d get squashed or knocked in the face by the suitcase’s wheels. i ended up getting something like chocolate chalk on my fingers trying to buckle my seat belt and i was upset about that the whole ride.

i texted with asher for a while. i don’t think he was doing so hot but he heard me out which was nice of him. i was looking at a billboard while we were stopped at a gas station and i texted “it’s kind of surprising how little matters in life when you think about it.”

i’d been thinking about that for over a week at that point. so few things actually matter. i was trying to make a list and i could only really think of one thing. being able to see the sky matters.

i also said it was really a relief to look at something and say “screw it, i don’t care about this any more, i’m going to stop putting any effort into it.” because, like, it saves so much energy to not put effort into things you don’t care about! why waste your time on crap that doesn’t matter? 

i mean, sure, if you care about something, be tenacious as hell. but if it doesn’t matter? why am i still trying? why not try at something that does matter?

what i’m getting at here is that i don’t care about being friendly with dad any more. he never apologized or mentioned it or did anything. he barely looks at me. if being embarrassed or being the authority or whatever is more important to him than i am, then screw it! i don’t care! i don’t HAVE to care.

so that’s the hawaii lesson. you don’t have to care. you can choose to care, but you don’t have to.

on the flight back i did nothing but fish for bottle caps for basically six hours. i got up to use the restroom and i did doze for about 20 minutes at the start of the flight. 

it wasn’t really just fishing for bottle caps. i never just fish. that’s boring. i was listening to music and fishing for bottle caps on the side to keep my hands busy. i was barely even paying attention. i spent a lot of time thinking about random stuff. like animorphs, or doing a mental review of one of the comics i’m reading, or wondering about recent developments in another. i also spent actually more time than i should have wondering what the guy next to me was thinking. i mean i was playing what was clearly pokemon, but all i was doing was running back and forth and fishing up pokemon that i ran away from. 

i got nine bottle caps.

we landed around 10:30. baggage claim was normal amounts of crowded and stressful. dad missed the terminal’s curb when he drove over to pick us up and had to spent 10 minutes going all the way back around the airport to try again. it was over 100 degrees even though it was the middle of the night. the car was crammed the whole hour back. we decided to stop at carl’s jr for dinner at 11:30 and i got really sick from the grease. we got home at 12. i putzed around on the internet until 1:30, and then i took a really long time getting ready for bed because i felt disgusting and i wanted to wash off more than usual, and then i couldn’t fall asleep because my brother was screaming at the computer and stuff.

in the morning i went downstairs to go to my doctor’s appointment after sleeping for 5 and a half to 6 hours. after waiting for 10 minutes for dad to get ready to leave, i finally asked when we were heading out because i had no idea where this office was or how to get there. he leaned in real close to me and growled “i NEVER said i would take you ANYWHERE.”

the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kaisune]

Top Surgery Experience with Dr. Hope Sherie

From my years of research, I've found it to be particularly difficult to find reviews for surgeons that are not very well known. And when I say very well known, I mean like Dr. Garramone, because, let's face it, he's at the top of this field right now. Due to this, it is vital that those of us that pursued other surgeons relay our experiences and results so others feel as though there are other options available. Other wise, we would all be waiting forever so that one surgeon can do all of our top surgeries (Don't get me wrong, Dr. Garramone is a fantastic surgeon with great results! I'm just very aware of the fact that we need to be aware of other possibilities out there!). Some of the reasons for pursuing different surgical options may include time, distance, and results (because not everyone may prefer the same look). I knew that the cost of travel and time spent in southern florida was not a feasible option for myself so I pursued other options. 

This led me to the Cosmetic Concierge and Dr. Hope Sherie. I liked her results and the timing of the surgery fit into my hectic schedule cause grad school. Not to mention, it was a relatively quick drive from Atlanta, Ga to Charlotte, NC. 

Facility/Location: The actual surgery center was gorgeous. It was actually one of the reasons I chose this surgeon. She has her own surgery center so you do not have to be checked into a hospital. It's all very convenient both for the patient and whoever may be taking care of them. They had a lounge area and wifi available for people waiting on patients. There were also quite a few restaurants and coffee shops within walking distance of the practice. So, if your person wants a break from the medical environment, they can easily do so. There are also many hotels in downtown Charlotte as well as cheaper options a few miles outside of the city. I stayed in one of those cheaper options and had an easy time getting to and from the office. 

Staff: The staff were really great. Any time I contacted them, they readily provided any information they could and responded very quickly. The first time I called, I was asked my preferred name and pronouns. I was not referred to by my given name a single time but I was misgendered a couple times. Not super uncommon for me at the time so I wasn't super surprised. I have heard of much more aggressive misgendering happening with other surgeons, though, so I'm pretty pleased with the way I was treated.

Visibility: There were tons of other non-binary/trans masculine people at the practice which made me feel very comfortable. I didn't feel alone and I knew they had other patients like me. They also openly advertised their trans-specific procedures which was rare for many of the other surgeons I contacted. I really didn't want to give my business to someone that was too ashamed to admit they treated trans patients but thats just me. 

Pre-Op: Everything about pre-op was easy. They made everything go as smoothly as possible and I really appreciated this. I was already very stressed about having surgery so it was nice to not have to worry about other things like figuring our prescriptions and loads of paperwork. I always felt informed at each step of this process and was never concerned that information was being kept from me. 

Post-Op: Post-op was probably as easy as it could have been. Dr. Hope doesn't require that you stay in town after your surgery but I decided to stay a couple days in order to heal a bit. After two days, I went back home and returned six days later for my post-op appointment. I felt relatively comfortable the entire time after my surgery. My pain levels were never overwhelming. I did wish I had a bit more information on what I should be doing for post-op care. I received written directions but I was confused at times and ended up googling stuff myself. This was fine for me but may not be for other people. I hated the post surgical binder. It irritated my incisions and slowed healing time, I believe. I probably would have bought I different one if I had known what style it was going to be. It was wrap-around styles, very similar to an ace bandage. The post-op appointment went smoothly. My drains being removed was pretty uncomfortable but that was expected. Unlike other surgeons, Dr. Hope uses penrose drains, an open type of drain, that is commonly used with trauma procedures. I was unsure about this type of drain at first but, after hearing others experiences, I believe it was much better than the bulb-type. They were not very painful and were simple to remove. I think this lessened pain may have been from the material they were made of. Penrose drains are made from a softer material than the bulb drains. Again, everyone made sure to tell me what was going on every step of the way during the post-op appointment. 

Healing: Everything about healing was a pain. Initially, I was just always uncomfortable because of the drains and padding underneath my binder. I couldn't sleep comfortably and relied on meds to get any sleep. But, with the meds, my stomach was often upset so I often had trouble eating. A few days after surgery, the Oxycontin made it so that I couldn't digest food so I began waking up in the middle of the night and throwing up anything I had eaten during the day. So I got off of the Oxy as soon as I could. It did take a week or two for this effect to completely disappear though. Like I said, the binding was one of the worst things. They recommended that I keep it on for something like 12 weeks but said that I could take it off after a month. I tried to begin taking my binder off for a few hours a day four weeks after surgery but had problems with fluid build up. Sooo, I kept it on 24/7 for another week or two. Then I began getting fluid build up associated with too much binding. At that point, I said screw it with the binder and stopped wearing it all together. Slowly, the fluid build up decreased and evened out. There was a period of time where I thought I might have to go have it drawn out by the surgeon. After I stopped binding, every thing began healing much faster. Again, I think the binding was irritating my incisions. Nipple care was intense. I had a specific regime that involved cleaning the area, rubbing bacitracin over the nipple, and covering it with Tegaderm. At my post-op appointment, they were very pleased with my grafts. They said that they generally give patients a vasodilator to make sure blood flow is established but my blood flow was already in place. There were a few points where I was seriously concerned about my nipples during the following months but I think thats pretty normal when your nipple are black and cracked open for a few weeks. 

Results: 

1 Week Post-Op

2 Weeks Post-Op

3 Weeks Post-Op

1 Month Post-Op

5 Weeks Post-Op

2 Months Post-Op

Almost 7 Months Post-Op

[jwut]

why am I like this why am I like this 

why do I constantly give and give and give to people who just take and take and take and just call me horrible things and say horrible things to and about me and then go even further and lie to try to make me look worse?? I don’t understand. I woke up yesterday to the sound of my sister and her best friend yelling and arguing and then I heard my sister running and then a loud crash and then she started screaming and I immediately jumped up went to the stairs, saw her screaming in pain on the stairs and immediately jumped into action got pillows for her, her foot/ankle, got ice packs, got blankets bc she started getting cold, got water, loaded a bowl even offered one of my personal emergency cigarettes and also even offered her my emergency oxy which i changed my mind and kept bc i gave her 2 of my xans and she took a bunch of her own and other stuff I don’t even know and then was asking me to ask my dad if she could have one of his lortabs like really anyway and this was my one day off by the way, and I had already agreed to take her to her tax appointment and this happened so of course i have to help her do everything get up the stairs go to the bathroom change and the whole time im helping her scrambling to make preparations to get her into my car and stuff and shes taking selfies and posting on snapchat the whole time like dude we’re already late for your tax appointment this is the last day and then after I have to take you to the hospital anyway so like wtf  anyway finally after she calls and reschedules her tax appointment for an hour later and we finally go, everyone is so nice and caring and helpful and shes just rude to everyone and always has an attitude and is just so short and rude and loud to them and ugh anyway after that’s finally  done after an hour and I have no gas in my truck okay and I’ve literally already been catering to her every need and shes like “can you google places that take walk ins that don’t have insurance like where am I supposed to go” my sister just turned 28. She’s five years older than me. And she’s asking me where is she supposed to go that is cheap and will take her without insurance. While I’m already driving her and she’s in the passenger seat. like. so I tell her I have no idea she has to figure it out herself dude I’ve never even broken a bone okay anyway we go to UMC or whatever and like that whole thing itself is another story of me having to be her fucking mother and do everything for her and then she’s telling me she wants me to drive 30 minutes to Northtown okay, not the best area, go to her random friend’s house, some guy I’ve never even heard her mention before, to get painkillers and crutches for her. Unbelievable. Anyway after a million years of waiting she’s seen by the doctor and everything and we’re leaving and I still have no gas okay and they gave her a prescription so we had to go fill it and she only goes to the walmart pharmacy or whatever okay cool I ask, “when do they close?” so that I can see if I have time to get gas or if I just have to go straight to the pharmacy and she doesn’t say anything so I look it up, they close at 9 okay I start driving to walmart and she freaks out bc she was trying to call the other pharmacy to see if they could transfer something I don’t even know okay and idk literally she just always has a bad attitude and whenever she has to do anything herself or something doesn’t go how she wants, she just gets upset and awful and just horrible to even be around like i’ve been helping her all goddamn day it’s 8:30 at night dude I haven’t eaten all day, didn’t get to do my laundry or chores that I wanted to do on my day off and she always has to make a big scene so that other people think I’m so horrible to her fuck anyway she was rude to the walmart people she was in there for almost an hour, didn’t get her script, I have to go in and help her go to the bathroom and all this stuff all this stuff whatever she’s rude the whole time and expects me to stop and get her cigarettes and all this other stuff anyway finally after I had already cried and called my mom and told her I’m bringing Britt home and not helping her anymore I can’t do it, we’re on the way home and idk we saw this horrible accident happen like we saw the whole thing it was rpetty intense and actually really crazy but she’s in full on horrible bitch mode so shes like oh too bad that wasn’t me too bad I didn’t die idk so of course we’re arguing while I’m driving us home okay we’re so close to home dude and we’re just screaming at each other okay to the point where I can’t even scream because my voice just comes out raspy I can’t go that high okay anyway and we come to a red light and she gets out of the car she has a splint on her foot okay and she starts making a huge fucking scene close to our neighborhood in the middle of the goddamn street she stands out there trying to get hit by a car people start coming out of their apartments to try to help her of course I look like the bad guy because she’s like, “I BROKE MY FOOT AND MY SISTER REFUSES TO TAKE ME HOME REFUSES” screaming telling everyone that I punched her (I’m like a third of her size first of all, second, we were arguing my arms were moving and I slapped her arm lmao) anyway whatever I’m the bad guy I finally get crazy bitch back in my car (100% regret not just leaving her in the middle of the road so she can see what a fucking dumbass she is) anyway still screaming the whole time of course, I pull up into the driveway and I’m like dude get out of my fucking car and don’t ever fucking talk to me again and she got out but she wouldn’t get her stuff out so I tossed her purse out it’s fucking huge and heavy and i’m in the driver’s seat I can barely even toss it lol anyway I toss her shoe out throw it and she fucking leans in the car and tries to punch me in the face but she has shit aim I guess and missed and hit my shoulder/neck and she really hits like a bitch I didn’t even feel it my blood was pumping so my car is still on because I’m a dumbass but I’m just like fuck this I’m getting my mom to get her out of the car so I start going in and I turn and see her reach in my truck and get the keys from the ignition so I go in the house and say mom she has my keys she’s taking my truck she’s going to fuck it up and I go back outside and she threw them and I heard them land somewhere and so I go back over idk it’s kind of muddled idk maybe after she punched me was when I got out and like idk but like I was fucking done dude I was livid and she was getting in my face and I pushed her a few times and she got real in my face so I shoved her by the throat and like she was like oh you’re gonna choke me now like nah dude I’m just trying not to punch you in the fucking face anyway then she goes where’s my knife so I stand there and I’m like hell yeah get your knife you’re going  to stab me? and she’s like yep and she fucking takes it out and I start walking toward her like yeah dude fucking stab me PLEASE and my mom comes out and is like are you fucking serious I have to live here blah blah bc we’re loud as fuck making a scene in front of our house okay oh I forgot to mention before my mom came out and my sister was like yeah when you go to your room give me back that grinder I gave you and I was like you never gave me a grinder I’ve always had my own and she was like um no I gave you one and when you go up there and find it you better fucking apologize (I left out a loooooot of dialogue of her saying stupid horrible shit about how I’m selfish and need to respect her bc she’s older and all this like nah dude respect given is respect fucking earned and you’ve treated me like shit my whole goddamn life anyway) and she’s like yeah I gave you a grinder I don’t fucking lie I never lie blah blah anyway back to when my mom comes out trying to diffuse the situation, my sister immediately says, “MOM SHE CHOKED ME TO DEATH SHE CHOKED ME SHE BROKE MY FOOT TODAY” she literally said I broke her foot after I spent 10 hours catering to her every fucking need okay. Anyway she cut my aux cord in my truck, the only thing that brings me daily joy, being able to listen to my music, it’s an old truck I had a cassette tape aux cord thing and idk I ended up bleeding on my arm probably from her disgusting ugly ass huge fake nails I didn’t even know until after and like anyway I go upstairs, find the SCALE she gave me bc she said she didn’t need it (it was janky as fuck anyway and I had already gotten a new one from my friend) and I put it in front of her door and I hear her trying to come up the stairs and I was like I put the scale in front of your door and she was like “OH THE ONE YOU SAID YOU DIDNT HAVE YOU FUCKING LIAR” and I was like no you said GRINDER and it was a scale you fucking idiot and shes like oh i’m a stupid fucking idiot huh blah blah blah I was like no apology needed just don’t ever talk to me again and like I locked my bedroom door and went to go get gas and she texts me “YOU STOLE MY RED BAG MY RED BAG WAS IN THE TRUCK AND YOU STOLE IT IT HAS MY PIPE MEDICINE AND MEDICATION!!!!!!! (she doesn’t take medication she doesn’t even have insurance she has drugs yeah but she already had those on her and her pipe was in her room anyway) AND IT’S NOT IN MY ROOM IT’S NOT IN MY PURSE IT’S NOT IN MY POCKET IT’S NOT IN THE HALLWAY IT’S NOT OUTSDIDE i RANSACKED EVERYWHERE YOU HAVE IT IN YOUR TRUCK THAT’S THE ONLY ANSWER I NEED IT. and I replied, “Nope it’s on the table downstairs where you left it before we left earlier today like I told you, earlier today. No apology needed again. Don’t ever talk to me.” 

and she was gone I was gone my friend picked me up and let me cry and vent while we smoked and she texted me yup same and then she was typing still so I blocked her and later after my night had already gotten so much better (I got drunk, went bowling, had steak and eggs with one of the coolest fucking people I know okay) and then later I got a text from my mom that she forwarded to me which was originally from my sister, which was telling my mom a bunch of bullshit to make me sound/look bad about me sneaking -people into the house and all this stuff and I was just like wow yeah okay I was like how would I even do that you have cameras everywhere? Like I remember Britt telling me she had her friend Cy over to the house and I was pissed bc she let him be around Link and I don’t know/like that guy? but it’s whatever so yeah my sister broke her foot yesterday and I helped her all day and that’s the appreciation she shows/has :) no more. 

I’m still always going to be a giving caring person, I swear to god I wish I wouldn’t, but I can’t help it, but I’m not giving any time to people that try to make me feel bad when I’ve never done anything but try to fucking help them. Already spent almost two years with someone like that and I’m finally recovering from it and I get hit with this lmao. Doesn’t matter who it is, next time, I‘m just going to leave them in the middle of the road. The people who know me well, always see the truth and who I really am and they’ve seen my ugly side too but they know that I’m not a bad person and I only get ugly and mean when I’m provoked. Literally I wish yesterday didn’t happen lol bc I don’t like acting like that, I never get like that she is literally the only person that gets that reaction out of me and it’s only happened maybe twice? Alec was the only other person who ever provoked like a smaller degree of that kind of reaction from me. I don’t like being that person and I don’t like people that force me and push me to be that person. People think they can keep pushing me and pushing me and I won’t push back but I do have a breaking point and when I reach it, it’s not good for those that push me. I’m not very intimidating and when it comes down to it, it’s my advantage when it gets to that point. I was always scared to get into a real fight with my sister but honestly I have 100% faith now that I could kick her ass. Like with two working feet lol. she talks a big game but she really is not shit. I wish I could love her. Never trying again.