#pred before dead folks

[sidetongue]

the most perfect angel baby ever 

[jecksaa]

Forbidden Frolic

Idea: A perfect one liner by the wonderful @diligentcranberry <3 girls a bloody genius Summary: Being hunted by Sebastian in the Forbidden Forest after giving him an insight to your desires… one catch though, you are wandless. Pairings: Sebastian x F! Insert (might change that to either she/her of MC, unsure atm. Let me know what you think) Warning: MINORS DNI !! 18+ Content, not for your eyes! Teasing, kissing, being chased, hunted, no plot just smut, edging, pred!seb, protective seb, one shot, everyone cums, except the dead guys, murder! Word Count: 7.6K A/N: This is the first ever smut I have written, any advice is appreciated. Thank you to @slytherizz for reading this before I posted it. It is also on Ao3, but thought I would also post my work on Tumblr as well. Different Strokes for Different Folks.

You and Sebastian had been spending time together in Hogsmeade, taking a well-deserved break from studying for your upcoming NEWT’s. You had been stuck in that Merlin forsaken library for weeks. The weather had finally been nice that day, walking through the streets, free of worry and stress. Visiting all your favourite shops together, Honeydukes was always necessary along with Tomes and Scrolls. You always adored perusing the books, trying to find your next fixation.

Both of you always enjoyed each other’s company, it felt natural. With everything that happened in your fifth year, you both had this unspoken understanding of each other. Never judging, never condemning, or never allowing the other to feel alone. Sebastian had truly become someone you trusted and cared for. More than cared for, over time you both had made each other aware of the attraction. Stealing kisses while studying, sneaking around the dungeons late at night together. You had never gone further then kissing, nor did you openly discuss your feelings for one another. He filled your dreams at night, always waking when you reached the peak. He made you frustrated, but you needed to know if he felt the same.

A trip to Hogsmeade was never complete without stopping into the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer or two. The atmosphere was the usual, chatter of the patrons, music playing in the background, the smell of butterbeer and fire whiskey filling the air and their senses. There is always something comforting and safe about being here, your reminded of your first time here. Sebastian brought you here after the troll attack, this is where he and Sirona protected you from Rookwood. A home away from home if you will. You were comfortable here, tonight maybe a bit too comfortable as you settled into your regular corner, butterbeers in hand. You needed a bit of confidence if you were going to approach the subject.

Sebastian sat beside you as he normally does, but this was different. He was closer than normal, his shoulder slumped into yours. He had never shown any type of affection in public before, it sent your mind into a tizzy. You watched him as he downed his drink, the refreshing noise that escaped his lips, the liquid catching on his chin, the little bits of foam on his upper lip. He was delicious and you have clearly had too much sun. You began sipping on your drink, partially to distract yourself and partially because if he was going to play that game, so were you. Your whole body felt warm, like it was on fire. Before you knew it you had downed your drink, wiping the foam from your lips, a heavy sigh leaving you.

Sebastian chuckled at your display, leaning into you more “Something wrong, love?”

You shock your head, grabbing Sirona’s attention for two more drinks. She nodded in your direction and sent two full butterbeer’s your way. Sebastian’s expression was curious, paying no mind to the boy pressed into you. You grab your drink and begin to drown your frustrations. Butterbeer is weak, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Just enough to boost your confidence.

The noise echoed through the Three Broomsticks as you slammed your tenth glass onto the wooden table, your sigh was heavier, breathier. “You sure nothing’s wrong, love?” His voice was irritating. “NO, noth-in wrong, love!” Your words were a little slurred, but you felt fine. You raise your hand to grab Sirona’s attention again, Sebastian pulls it back down, holding your hand beside him.

“I think that’s enough, love…” He lingered on that word, his stupid smug smirk pulling at the corners.

You snatched your hand from his, climbing over him to get out from the corner table, tripping on your feet as they got caught on the wooden bench. Sebastian chuckles at your feminine display and follows behind you, stopping to pay Sirona as you march your sorry self out of the pub.

“Wait up would you.” You could hear his feet chasing after you as you made it through Hogsmeade, through the archway and over the bridge.

“And why should I?” You were trying to protest but you really were not sounding convincing, the weak alcohol clouding your thoughts.

“Because something is clearly wrong, and I would like to know what I’ve done wrong this time.”

You were as quiet as a mouse, and about as small as one. You wanted to yell and scream about how frustrated you were with him, about how he made you feel inside and out. How dreams of him plagued the night, his hands caressing your body, his lips kissing all over, his… You felt the heat creep up your neck, you shook it off. You concluded that the alcohol was not helping.

He was a couple steps to you left, making sure to keep distance between you as you walked back to the castle. He was fiddling with his fingers; you could see him checking in on you every few feet. It was beginning to infuriate you.

“You want to know what’s wrong with me…” It erupted out of you, maybe the alcohol was helping, or maybe it was all too much.

“Yes, please, love.”

“That. That is what is wrong. You call me love, you have for years and yet all you do is steal kisses.”

“I thought you wanted me to kiss you?” His full attention was on you, eyebrow cocked in question.

“I did, I do. But I want more. I don’t just want to dream about it, Seb. I want you completely.”

He froze, you followed. His head cocked to the side like a puppy.

“You have dreams about me.”

“That’s the part you want to discuss.” You swore you had never met a more infuriating man in your life.

Talking a step towards you “Yes, love. I would very much like to discuss the dreams I am present in, what exactly do I do in them.”

“That’s not important. What is important that we get back to the castle. It is almost curfew.” You turned on your heels, trying to put more distance between. You were not about to be made a fool by Sebastian Sallow.

You got all put two steps before his hand was grabbing your wrist, spinning you back to face him. “Don’t be like that. Please tell me, I would really like to know.”

“I would prefer not to discuss my sex dreams with you, Sebastian!” Your hand flew to try and stop yourself, but it was too late. Shit, you really hadn’t meant to say that.

“Go on, love.” He was doing that on purpose, then you would match that. You have had enough of his little game.

“Fine.” You watched his expression shift from his usual playful demeanor to serious, eyes narrowed on you. He was listening intently.

“In my dreams, we are in the library, a broom closet, an empty classroom. Your hands like to roam, your lips like to explore. You suck and bite at my skin, My nails scratch at yours.” Every step Sebastian takes towards you, you step back. “You are always so eager to rip my clothes off, I take my time. Your fingers feel good inside me; your cock fits my hand like it was made for it.” His gaze darkened; you could hear the softest groan in his throat. “You throw me against a bookshelf, against a wall, bend me over a table and you fuck me till I can’t breathe, till I can’t walk, till I am no longer coherent.”

The cold stone of the archway to the Forbidden Forest was pressed into your back, the ridged stone that protruded would have pierced your skin if not for your shirt, you hissed at the pain. Sebastian’s hands gripping your shoulders, his fingertips felt like they were going to leave small bruises in their wake. It happened so quickly, you blinked, and he was there.

“You are a fucking tease, you know that right?” Sebastian’s voice was gravelly, it cut through your mind and buried itself deep.

“N…no.” you were trembling under his grasp. It was odd to hear him speak like that; to grip you to the point of pain. It was confusing, your mind was trying to catch up to the tone of his words. Was he serious, did it affect him that much.

“You sure, love.” His breath was scolding on you neck, he grazed his fingers along your skin as he withdrew his hold on you. “Because I would love nothing more than to completely unravel you in the most forbidden place known to wizardkind.”

It made you shiver, your knees buckling at the thoughts that now raced through your mind, he couldn’t be serious. Where did the Sebastian you knew go, the man who was always gentle with you, even when stealing moments together. This was different.

“Se..” Your voice caught in your throat, the slight of Sebastian undoing the first couple of buttons on his linen shirt. The freckles that ran across his chest and up his neck, he was like a dream you have had to many times. The realization hit you, the dream. You felt the heat run up your neck, hitting your cheeks. You just wanted to tease him the same way he was teasing you, you didn’t mean for it to go this far.

Your train of thought was interrupted by the slightly seductive tone in his voice.

“But, for making me wait… there will be a punishment. Understood, love?” His voice sent lightning through your entire body, it felt like your magic. Wild, untamed, and dark.

“Pu-Punishment?” Falling over the word, what could he mean by that, punishment for what… what did he mean by making him wait. You were the one confession about having dreams, fantasies about him. You had kissed multiple times in the last 2 years, but he always made sure it never went further. Had he wanted it to go further, he should have said something, done something.

You watch as Sebastian begins to crouch down in front of you, his hand on your ankles, running up the side of your calves, the back of your knees. A small whimper crept out; his touch was like fire on your skin. His left hand lingered on the back of your knee, gripping slightly. It made your breath hitch in your throat, the slightest moan escaping. His right hand ran under your woolen skirt, up your thigh. His thumb grazing the skin of your inner thigh, it was maddening. Your lips felt like they might begin to bleed it you bit down any harder.

“Yes, punishment.”

He pushes himself slowly back up, bringing his left hand to mimic his right. Both hands meet at your hips, thumbs pressing sharply in the gap between the end of your thigh and your hip bone. The feeling of the night air caressing your exposed skin, your skirt was gripped under Sebastian's hands. You felt your mind fading away, this was better than any dream you could have. Your behind was feeling the harsh stone being forced into the skin, The softest moan escaped as your front felt all of Sebastian’s arousal. You wanted nothing more than to wrap your hands around his neck, run your fingers threw his hair and let him take you completely. You didn’t care that you were still standing just off the main road that connected Hogsmeade and Hogwarts, you had waited long enough.

“It’s about time that the “Hero of Hogwarts” pays for making me wait this long, But I’ll be considerate first.” His smirk pulled at his lips.

“You’ll.. be considerate.” It was all but a breath coming out of your lungs. Your focus was fighting you, was it the alcohol… can’t be Butterbeer was weak, you had completely forgot what a light weight you were. Whatever it was, it was making you a little unsteady.

“Yes, love.” Eyebrow raised; smirk firmly placed. “I am going to give you a head start…”

“Head start?”

“Yes, but if I catch you, your punishment will be given.”

“Wha...”

Sebastian gestured to the entryway you were firmly pressed up against.

“You want me to run into the forbidden forest at night time.”

“Yes. However, one condition.” His right hand traveled back down your thigh; you heard a small familiar click of your wand holster that was strapped to your thigh. He withdrew his hands from your skin, letting out a small whimper at the loss of his touch, your skirt falling back to its wrongful place.

“This stays with me.” He held your wand in between his fingers, gently rolling it in place. Your breath protested at the presence of your wand in his hands. You would be defenseless in the forest, it was past curfew and yes you had cleared out most of the Poachers and Ashwinders, some still lurked though. Not to mention the natural predators that lived in the Forbidden Forest.

“No arguments!” He was demanding, you had never seen Sebastian like this. It was a sight you would very much like to get used too. Your expression must have been so easy to read. “Don’t worry. I would never let any harm come to you.” Under the demanding tone, there was reassurance. You knew that all too well, he had always protected you, always would protect you.

“Now that we have everything in order love, you have one thing left to do.” Rough, dark, and tempting. It hit that spot that had not stopped screaming since he opened his mouth.

You looked up at him, eyes wide barely focusing, mouth slightly parted, lips dry almost bruised, breath ridged, waiting…

“Run!” Sebastian’s eyes looked predatory as he watched your expression change from longing, confusion to realization. It was fear that settled, your mind pretested but your body knew better.

Clambering off the stone archway, you made a run for it into the forbidden forest. Your feet catching the wonky wooden bridge as you bolted, trying not to trip over. Your eyes trying to focus on the on the ground, the roots that had grown out from underneath and the loose rocks that were scattered throughout. You had been into the Forbidden Forest many times over the last three years, you knew where the paths lead too, what areas to avoid and what beasts roam where. But right now, your mind could only focus on one thing, running from Sebastian Sallow.

You weren’t sure how long you had been running, your chest ached from the short, harsh breaths that left your lungs. You needed to find somewhere to hide, to catch your breath, to rest your legs. You came to a fork in the dirt path, warning signs pointing in both directions. Familiar, you had been here before, mind racing trying to pinpoint… Jackdaw. You gave it your all, sprinting to your right down the path that you knew. Sebastian didn’t know about Jackdaw; he wouldn’t find you there.

At least this path had some light emanating from the little oil lanterns that were scattered around. You followed your memory, leading you to the small lake off to the left you took a quick rest, you really needed to catch your breath. You could hear all sorts of noises that were reserved for night in the forest, the wind in the trees above sounding like muffled screams, the howl of a wolf or mongrel close enough to hear but not see, the croak of dugbogs in the nearby swamp. Your hair stood on end, gooseflesh rising on your skin. The fear mixed with adrenaline was a combination you have felt before. This dizzying feeling was new, this was combined with the ache that had settled in your core, it was a tingling sensation that was uncomfortable. It needed to be scratched.

Crack.

The sound of small bits of tree breaking underfoot made your heart race, your eyes darting around to find nothing. It was time to move again, your legs moved quicker this time. The noise was enough to give you motivation, you didn’t know what punishment Sebastian had planned for you, but you weren’t about to find out this quickly. A part of you was excited though, the idea of being caught by Sebastian was enough to make the wetness in between your legs uncomfortable as you ran through the forest.

As you rounded the small cliff sides, a tiny light was emanating from between the trees in front of you. Making your way to hide among the trees, you needed to know of the potential threat, was it poachers or ashwinders or some idiot with a death wish deciding it was a good idea to go camping in the forest.

Your eyes scanned the encampment, cages littered the area, but they were empty. Good. But these were definitely poachers, you instinctively reach for your wand through the fake pocket you had created in your skirt for easy access to your wand holster. An annoyed sigh left your lips. Right, no wand. She was going to punish Sebastian herself for that one. If they were to see her, she would be as good as dead. Quietly looking around for somewhere to hide, a rocky opening in the cliff side was your safest option. As you get closer it looks like a cave opening, keeping your eyes on the poachers across the way, you back in letting the darkness eclipse you.

You closely watch the poachers, their movements to see if they plan to leave the encampment. They seem to be pretty set for the night, no sign of moving on or going on their own hunt, a similar hunt you were currently involved in. You wondered where Sebastian could be, was he still chasing you, had he given up, had he gone in the wrong direction. You hadn’t seen him since you entered the forest, your mind started to race. Was this a cruel joke for his amusement. You couldn’t shake the feeling of humiliation that snuck its way in. Sebastian would never, you forced it out of your head with a violent shake.

It was forceful, tight, warm. A hand covered your mouth, the other wrapped around your waist, pulling you flush against something, someone. When did someone get behind you, had they been waiting for someone to come past, how did you not notice them. You needed to get away, thankfully you were a quick thinker, and thankfully the butterbeer had finally begun to wear off. You maneuvered your mouth, allowing one of their fingers to slip into your mouth. You bit down as hard as you could, hoping this would get them to loosen their grip.

The hand flew from your mouth, trying to shake the pain off. You could see a little bit of blood where you pierced the skin. “Fuck!” nothing but a growl, one you were familiar with. You tilted your head to the back to make sure. “Seb…” His hand that was wrapped around your waist whipped you around to face him, his bitten hand gripped your throat. The familiar feel of sharp stone and rocks pressed into your back as he forced you against the wall, your knees buckling at the pressure.

“Did you have to bite me.” Sebastian loomed over you, half-lidded gaze flicking between your eyes and lips. Just a little instinct made your lips part ever so slightly, your tongue wetting the smallest area as your eyes watched his. Something about him like this made you weak, made your core ache.

“I thought…” You could barely get the words out with the grip Sebastian had around your throat.

“I know who you thought I was, did you forget about me already?” He voice was almost playful, his eyebrow raised at the question.

You shock your head, you hadn’t stopped thinking of him. Just glad he didn’t leave you here, wandless. You relaxed a bit in Sebastian’s grip. That seemed to confuse him.

“I think you are forgetting, love. I caught you.” Forcing out a whimper from you with his hand. Leaning his face closer to yours, his warm breath on your cheeks. You didn’t forget, entirely. Your heart raced at the idea of Sebastian doing whatever he wanted to you, in such a place.

Your eyes darted to the entrance of this small cave, now that your eyes have adjusted you could make out where you were. You could see Sebastian a little clearer, he looked smug, satisfied even.

“Don’t worry about them. All you must do is be quiet” Sebastian’s free hand ran down the side of your waist, gripping you firmly against the stone wall. Before you could protest his lips were on yours, kissing you like it was the last thing he ever did. His tongue slipped past your parted lips, needing to explore your mouth, his mouth capturing the small needy moans you were producing. He tasted sweet, a combination of the lollies from Honeydukes and the Butterbeers from Three Broomsticks. The hand around your throat tilted your head back further so he could have full access for his tongue to slip in completely. Rolling it over yours, grazing the roof of your mouth, your teeth, it was desperate, and you were gone.

Your hands needed to find homes, desperately. One grabbing the forearm of the hand firmly wrapped around your throat, your nails digging into his freckled skin. Hissing The other hand pressed between your bodies, splayed out on his chest. The heat was intoxicating, your hand chased the warm Sebastian’s body was giving, sliding up his chest, around his neck, tangling your fingers in his soft brown hair. He needed to be closer to you, you needed him closer.

The hand that had been on your waist had traveled further down to your thigh, now hiking up your skirt, gathering it between his index and thumb. His free fingers caressed the soft skin of your upper thigh where your drawers meet before sinking his nails into the tender flesh. His lips breaking from yours, A soft mewl escaped into the air between you. He moved your head, so your gaze is locked with his, through half-lidded eyes you see Sebastian’s devilish charming grin, his eyes felt sinister, greedy.

“Kissing you has always left me wanting… more.” The hand around your throat fell to his side, air rushed into your lungs, it made your head spin. “Today, after such a marvelous confession, I’ll be taking it all.” His warm breath clung to your neck, you didn’t have time to right yourself before you felt his fingers graze up your thigh and settle on the wetness that had leaked out. A hum of delight at the slick filled your ear, his fingers lazily moving the damp fabric over your clit. Stifling the moan that was building with your palm, you bit down on the soft part where your thumb connected. Anything to not alert the danger that stood a couple hundred feet from you.

“Seb- please, not here.” Breathy, muffled, trying to wriggle out of his grasp on your thigh.

His middle finger picked up the pace, tantalizing circles over your sensitive clit. The thin fabric in-between was suffocating, you wanted skin. But not here, anything but, his finger pulled back. Oh he listened, he understood the danger looming.

You felt a small tug just above the dampness, the string holding them up falling loose. Your drawers pulled down your legs, Sebastian moving down with them. Your skirt falling to its wrongful place once again, you whimpered in protest, your body wasn’t worried about the danger that your mind was, it just wanted Sebastian.

Your fingers still tangled amongst his hair, you watched him step your feet out of your drawers, slipping them into the pocket of his trousers. “You get these back when we are finished, understood?” All you could muster was a quick gulp and a small nod. Sebastian was playing dirty, he didn’t listen at all to your plea.

Sebastian didn’t hesitate, this time his thumb connected between your folds and ran up to your clit setting in with an unrelenting tempo, his fingers sprawled across your abdomen, pushing you into the stone wall harder. A needy moan softly echoing in this small space, you needed more, needed all of him. “Fuu-ck, you are soaked.” Looking up at you through hungry eyes, licking his lips, the tell-tale sign of the smug grin he wore when he was winning. It drove you mad, the fingers that were interlocked with his hair, gripped tighter. Sebastian let out a wince, a smirk pulled at the corner of your lips. “Gentle, love. I am only beginning.”

It sent lightning through your entire body when his tongue began lapping at your core, a disgruntled moan vibrating off your skin. Your balance shifted when Sebastian pulled one of your legs over his shoulder, resting his hand on the soft skin of your thigh. Your other hand flew to his hair to keep yourself up right. “That’s better. I want to taste you properly.” His tongue back between your folds, darting around, tasting your arousal. Small praises were being etched into your skin. “Seb- fuck“ A breathy moan lingered, your finger nails digging into his scalp. “please…” Your hips grind against his tongue, the hand on your thigh moved to your hip, forcing you back into the stone wall. His tongue circling your clit, your hands pulling him closer, chasing the friction. His lips sucking at you, his tongue curling around the small nub. His pleasing hum vibrating against you made bite your already sore lip harder than before, you could feel your release approaching. Through the bite all you could muster was a needy “more…”

Pulling his head away “patience is a virtue, love.” Your body protested the absence, softly thrusting your hips. He smirked at your obvious display. You could see your slick along with lips, dripping down his chin. This was punishment enough; he didn’t have to add to it by nipping at the soft flesh of your upper thigh. Sucking little bruises into your skin, his tongue grazing over the sensitive marks to sooth them. A small whimper leaving your lips.

Your leg fell back to the floor as Sebastian stood back up, hand still holding your hip firmly in place. Your hands let go of his hair, moving to his belt, pulling him into you. Your hands fumbled with the buckle on the belt, Sebastian pulled your hands away. “Not yet. Few more things to take care of first.” Tilting his head down towards you, one hand wrapping back around your throat. He pulled you into his lips, crashing together feverishly. The taste of your own arousal filling your senses, it was addicting to taste yourself mixed with his own sweetness.

The hand holding your hip in place shifted, gasping at the sudden intrusion of fingers inside, two to be precise. His movements were deliberate, hitting that itch just inside your core. Your moans had become desperate, unable to stifle them much longer. You pawed at Sebastian’s linen shirt, you managed to undo one more button on his shirt, slipping your hands inside. Running your nails over his warm freckle-smattered skin, smalls dark chest hairs tickled under your fingertips. He groaned into your mouth, his tongue dancing with yours. His fingers stretching you open, rubbing that spot you have trouble reaching yourself. His fingers are rougher than yours, thicker. His palm was resting on your clit, keen mewls follow with every thrust, you could feel that sensation again.

Your head fell back onto the stone wall “Fu—ck, Seb… yes, yes…”

You winced at the emptiness you felt as Sebastian retracted his fingers. You watched as he brought them up to his lips and sucked them clean. “You taste fucking divine, love. It’s a shame really.” He sounded pleased with himself, proud even.

“Sh-shame?” Catching your breath, watching him take a step back. Your skirt doing the one thing you hate.

“Yes. That was just the beginning of your punishment.” He stood across from you, arms folded, shirt still unbuttoned. You could see it more clearly now, his collarbones poking out from where the linen shirt sat open. You watched his chest rise and fall as he also seemed to be catching his breath. “The chase is still on, just this time.” His eyes darting to your skirt, eyebrows quirked. “Missing a vital layer.” His tongue ran over his top lip, it made your knees buckle again. Hands clambering to support you on the wall.

“Please, Seb. I can’t, no more.” Pleading with him, you were ready to give him everything. All he had to say was yes.

“You can, and you will.” His voice demanding, his gaze lazily roaming over you, you were sure you looked a mess. He seemed pleased with himself; the smug smirk plastered on his face again. If you didn’t need him, you would slap that smirk right off his face for toying with you. Punishment, you had also waited just as long if not longer than he had. Why were you the only one being punished, a sigh left your lips as you pushed off the wall. This was a bad idea, but two can play this game.

“Yes, Sallow.” A teasing tone, you meandered over to him. His head cocked to the side at the change in name and tone.

“But before I make my way back into the night.” You closed the distance between Sebastian and yourself. Your hand reaching for his belt again, watching his hands jolt in your direction. “tch tch, watch those hands Sallow.” Your voice matched his demand. Unclasping his belt, undoing it ever so slightly. You pop the buttons to give you access. Running your hand down into his trousers, finding his hard cock, “F-uck!” Sebastian letting out a hiss at the intrusion. You wrap your hand around, softly gripping. You let out a small moan at the thickness. You run your thumb over the tip in small circular motions, leaking, sticky. Sebastian’s hips jerk slightly, his cock moving in your hand, you begin to slowly slide up and down, enough to coax those sinful noises you did not know he could make.

“Patience is a virtue, love.” Mocking, stroking the flame. If he wanted torment, you were happy to oblige. Sebastian’s hands grip your shoulders, half to hold himself up and the other half to pull you away. Your hand retracted from his cock, bringing your thumb to your lips. You ran it down the length of your tongue, closing your lips around it and sucking it clean. Sebastian tasted fucking delicious, salty, a little bitter but perfect. You mimicked his smug smirk, his half-lidded eyes were dark, serious. Your heart hammered in your chest, the feeling from before was back. Tantalizing fear.

“Fucking Run!” This time it was a growl.

Your feet had never moved quicker, quicker than the first time. They caught on each other as you stumbled out of the cave, your hands giving traction on the dirt ground. You swear you heard him snicker at you. You didn’t care, you needed to run, you had never seen Sebastian that frustrated, it was enough to motivate your legs to move. Kicking up the loose dirt as your feet finally hit the ground properly, you didn’t care if the poachers were alerted. You were sure Sebastian would make quick work of them, in his current state. Glancing to the encampment as you ran past, it seemed they might have turned in for the evening.

The night air was colder than you remember, it felt like it was cutting through your warm skin as it whipped past your rushing body. It nipped at the wet core between your legs, muffled curses falling from your lips, taking Sebastian’s name in vain. Your breath was ragged already, you hadn’t been running for long, and your legs were already beginning to protest. They still felt the ache in between them, the denied release lingering as your thighs brushed together as you sprinted from the cave.

Throwing out the idea of hiding near Jackdaw’s Tomb, you head in the opposite direction. Approaching a junction you weren’t familiar on, you have to slow down, one to catch your breath and two to listen for dangers. The night-time noises fill your senses, the owls above with their drawn-out ‘whoo’s’, the branches rustling in the trees that surround you, and the mongrels howling at the moon. It was coming from your left, which was all you needed to turn your attention to the right.

The path was lined with dense trees and plants alike, you could see moonstone growing from the cliff side on your right, giving you the smallest bit of light from its glow. The path winding down further into the forest, you were certainly in the middle of the Forbidden Forest by this point. Your legs kept moving in a direction you had no idea where it would take you, but as long as it was away from Sebastian you would be… safe. It made you chuckle to yourself, safe. He was the safest place for you, the one you trusted with your life. You weren’t running because you didn’t feel safe, you were running because deep down the feeling of being hunted made your entire body ache. That tiny little voice in the back of your head was screaming in anticipation.

Thankfully, the momentum of the downward slope helped you move quicker down the path, not thankful about the tree you almost crash into when you reach the bottom. The path opened into a small lake; fireflies danced over the shimmer blue water. Large rocks scattered around the area, you prop yourself on one to catch your breath and to check on your hands that you had to use to stop yourself from the tree. They were a bit red and grazed, you would live. Watching through the trees as best as you could to see if Sebastian was following you, you couldn’t see all too well, but you also couldn’t hear any footsteps. Believing you are safe for now; you crouch down to wash the dirt off your hands. The water was cool on your skin, soothing the sore area on your palms.

You don’t know how long you had been watching the fireflies dance, the dragonflies that would just graze the water enough for it to ripple. Your arms resting on your knees, your fingertips playing with the water near your feet. It was peaceful, quiet, it made you almost forget about the looming danger. Your ears perked up at the rustle of nearby leaves, the hairs on the back of your neck stood up. Your heart pounding in your chest, blood rushing to your ears. You felt the tension in the air, you slowly lifted yourself up, turning to face the noise.

“Hello, sweetheart.” A stocky man, dressed in simple attire. Stubble on his chin, horrid smirk creeping up his lips.

“What do we have here, a wee little thing aren’t ya.” A gangly man, sort of weaselly looking. Long dark trench coat, fingers twitching at his wand.

No words left your slightly parted lips, your eyes scanning as far as they can see, hoping to see Sebastian. Your body trembled with real fear, you were wandless, defenseless, and alone. You wanted to scream, cry out for him but you couldn’t, your body and mind protested at the idea. You were completely frozen.

The stockier man took a few steps towards you. Looking back at the skinnier man, chuckling amongst themselves “She looks scared, doesn’t she.”

“It’s alright lass, we won’t hurt you… much.” The skinnier man had the most disgusting, sinister grin you had ever seen. Your mind racing, it reminded you of Rookwood’s grin before you took his life. A knot grew in the pit of your stomach, you needed to get away.

The skinnier man was in front of you before you could run, had he read your thoughts or was it just obvious that you wanted to run. His fingers gripping your chin, trying to pull away. The stockier man crept up behind you, hands grasping at your shoulders. It made you want to shed your skin; you were unable to break free. The fear of being completely defenseless was overbearing.

Your eyes instinctively shut as the skinnier man’s face closed in on you, the smell of stale cigarette smoke lingered on his breath. It made you physically ill, your breathing becoming shallow.

“Come on, lassie… let me see those pretty ey….” His voice disappeared into the wind, the feeling of fingers gripping your chin… gone. Your eyes slowly peaked open; the gangly man had vanished entirely.

“ERNIE!” The stocky man behind screaming in your ear, his friend was gone. His grip on your shoulders tightened, as both your gazes fell to the figure standing across the way. Wand pointed at the stockier man, his expression was dark, calculated, and ominous.

“Let.. Her.. Go!” Sebastian’s voice was like thunder, a threat of a storm approaching.

“Back away… or… your sweet little thing gets hurt.” The stocky man’s voice was shaky, unsure of itself. You could feel the hand that still gripped you was shaking; he had seen what Sebastian did to his friend. It must have been a sight; you kept your eyes focused on Sebastian. You didn’t want to miss it this time. The other hand held his wand, which was now pressed into your throat. You hissed at the sensation of it dragging across your skin.

“You alright?” Still thunderous but collected this time. All you could give was a small nod. “Good, I’ll make this quick. Just need you about 2 feet to the left though.” His devilish smug smirk pulling at his lips.

His grip was tighter, pulling you in close to his body, the feeling of his wand digging into your skin. You needed to get away, you could feel your magic screaming to get out. Your fingertips felt electric, coursing through your veins. It was demanding to be set free, you had never released your magic without a wand before. Clasping your hand, fingernails digging into your palm.

Bright white flashes of lightning screeching from above, hitting the ground that surrounded you. The stocky man’s grip loosened, and you were able to get free. Clambering away towards Sebastian, you watched his body shift, feet planted firmly on the ground, a wand movement you had not seen before, no incantation. A bright white light matching yours that still filled the opening shot across the clearing. You watched as it hit the stocky man in the chest… and he was gone, dust. Your head cocked in disbelief, eyes shifting back to Sebastian.

“Are they… dead?” Confused on the spell used, where did Sebastian learn to do that.

“What do you think, love. They touched you, of course they are dead.” It felt like the electricity from your magic rushed to your core. Sebastian would never allow anything to happen to you, ever again. Your teeth biting into your bottom lip, taking in the man walking towards you. “Seb-astian, what was that?” curiosity, maybe he could teach you. “Later. More pressing matter at hand.”

You took several steps back as he approached, backing into one of the larger rocks in this clearing. Sebastian closed the distance, looking for any signs of harm. You gave him a reassuring tender smile, you were okay, now. His hands clasping your cheeks, his lips were tender, kinder than before. This kiss felt like every stolen kiss you two had shared over the years, the secrets you hid in dark corners of the library, in empty classrooms in the dungeons, or the meadows surrounding the highlands.

“You are mine and I am yours, from now until the day we die.” It sounded like a demand, one that you would happily follow to the end of the earth.

“Yes” breathless, heart pounding against your rib cage.

His lips crashing back into yours violently, hands clasping your face, pulling you into his mouth. His tongue breaks apart your lips, slipping in and tangling with your own. Soft moans being captured, hot breath burning your lips. Your mind was racing, legs shaking, back pressed hard into the large rock behind you. You mumbled his name through a break in your lips. Your hands roamed over his linen shirt, pulling at the buttons, Sebastian’s shirt feel open. Your hands pushed underneath the material, running them over his broad chest, your fingernails tangled in his scattered chestnut chest hair.

Sebastian breaks from the kiss, moving his lips across your jaw, nibbling at your skin. “I had more planned.” His teeth graze your earlobe. “I was going to sneak up behind you.” His lips on your neck, sucking little bruises into your flesh. “Seb…” Your hands trailed down his chest, nails dragging along his skin. “Wrap my hand around your throat, you seemed to like that.” He purred into your skin, his fingers making quick work of your shirt buttons, pulling it off your shoulders. Your hands found his belt done up again, your fingers fumbled as you unclasped the buckle. His humming vibrated through your skin as his teeth sunk into the skin at the base of you neck, tongue lapping at the flesh that was beginning to bruise. A needy mewl filling the air as your head fell back against the rock, hands pulling at his trousers to loosen them. “No patience, love.” Another needy mewl answering for you. “Good, me neither.” Sebastian’s voice was a low, rough hum.

A small shriek pierced the air, Sebastian pulled your legs up to rest on his hips, his hands supporting your backside by your thighs. Skirt pushed in between your bodies, your hand slipping down to free Sebastian’s cock from its restraint. Your neck being nipped at as he adjusts his hips to line with your soaking core. Grinding his hips against the wetness between your legs, the tip pressing between your folds. Your body reacts to the intrusion, moaning in delight at Sebastian’s throbbing cock stretching you open. Fingers gripping into his biceps to sturdy yourself, he lowers you slowly until he is completely engulfed by you.

“Hol-y Shit, Love.” Growling at the tightness wrapped around him, letting you adjust to him. “Your cunt… feels f-fucking divine.”

Sebastian’s movements felt deliberate, deep penetrating thrusts that hit the deepest parts of you. Every thrust invited needier moans. “Seb… please… more…” You could feel the tears streaking your cheeks with every twitch of his cock. His hip bones hitting against your thighs, his hands slid to grab the back of your knees, pulling your legs closer to his chest, your back fully digging into the rock.

His cock plunged into you, again and again and again, deeper with each retreat. Little praises, ragged grunting and breathing filled the space between you two. Your hands shifting to grab hold of his neck, pulling him in hungrily. Pulling his bottom lip in-between yours, biting softly at him. A hand ran into his untamed hair, gripping it between your fingers. Small winces caught between your lips. Sebastian pressed his body further into you, his pace was frustrating. “Fuck, love.” You could feel his breath against your lips. “I want to feel you come undone on my cock.”

“Yes, Se-bastian… Ple-please… you feel so…good… I need to come.” Begging for the release you have already been denied. His hips tilted back slightly, giving him just enough space to completely penetrate your dripping wet cunt. Back arching, thighs squeezing shut, your walls contracted around his cock. “Yes, love. Come for me.” The build-up finally hitting its peak, your body shaking at your release, moaning uncontrollably. Your release spills out of you, down Sebastian’s shaft and your behind.

Unable to hold back the overstimulating screams as Sebastian chases his own release, your fingers pull at his disheveled messy hair. A muffled scream on your lips as your thighs are pressed into your chest “Yes, Seb… come.” A groaning mess, his hips bucking as he fills you. It is hot, coating your insides. Sebastian catching his breath, head resting on your knees that are still firmly pressing you into the rock. “Sebastian, my back…”

“Oh, shit! So-sorry.” He gently pulls himself out from your core, a whimper at the empty feeling you are left with. He helps lower your legs to the ground, your knees buckle as your feet make contact. Your legs tremble with the aftershock of your release. Sebastian steadies you, softly leaning you against the rock, again. “Just a second, love.” You watch as he tucks himself back in his trousers and fixes his shirt to look a bit more presentable.

“Alright.” Sebastian slightly bends down; a small shriek escapes you. He grabs the back of your thighs and slings you over his shoulder. Fixing his posture and making sure you aren’t going anywhere. “Seb, what are you doing? Put me down.” You hit him in the back, protesting the position you are in. “Can’t do that, love. You could barely stand. I will happily carry you back to the castle.” You couldn’t see his face, but you could still hear that smug smirk pulling at his lips.

Walking back through the forest, you could feel Sebastian’s fingers running softly over your thigh, Giggling at every little movement. It suddenly feels a little wet, warm. Now that the adrenaline has worn off, all you want to do is hide. Sebastian chuckles to himself, his finger running small circles where your mixture has leaked out, his fingers creeping in between your folds. A small moan followed by a swift whack on his shoulder “Sebastian…”

“Yes…”

“You can’t do that here.”

“Well then, love. We better make our way back to the castle quickly, as I have an exceptionally lengthy list of places I want to fuck you and so very little time before graduation!”

[honeyed-poet]

I went to the city on business recently, and one thing that struck me about pred/prey life there (as opposed to the more wild ways near my home) is how…casual and convenient it all is for the preds.

There was a time when hunting was pulse-pounding for both parties. A mad chase through the woods where the reward for one would be life, and the reward for the other would be dinner. Stakes were high.

Now, in the city, it seems to be as simple as walking into a cafe and scarfing down that cute barista, or finding a prey office worker who has stepped outside the safe-zone of their cubicle for a cup of coffee.

I saw one blue haired girl clad in a business suit walking down the street, staring at her phone, and without looking up, reached out, grabbed a fellow pedestrian, shoved his upper half into her mouth, and didn’t even stop texting as she slowly slurped him in, pausing only to take his shoes off before a quick swallow sent him down to her belly… She untucked her shirt and undid a few of her lower buttons to give that full round gut some room to breathe, and just strolled on.

I bet she just went back to her apartment to do a quick series of post-meal selfies for her social media. Possibly burping up her prey’s ID and tagging him to let folks out there know why that tasty individual will be missing work and… everything else tomorrow on account of being a business lunch.

I can’t fault her, I suppose. When living and hunting in densely populated areas is so simple, you would be a fool not to take advantage of the conveniences, and prey are paid good money to take jobs in the city, with the understanding that the luxurious life they are granted may end up with them as food.

Luckily for me, I’m quick enough to dodge such preds, and they��re usually too lazy to chase me. I’ll have to watch out when I get to my destination… lots of dead-ends and bathrooms with one exit to be caught and trapped in at these malls and conference centres…

Art by Kazo

[belliesandburps]

So I know you have mostly male preds, but is there a hefty/voracious female pred you have?

For female predators explicitly? Quite a few. But see, unlike most folks who just want big, sexy anime girls with large breasts who make vore almost stereotypically pornographic, I like vore to feel like vore, regardless of the gender of the pred, and that means a domineering personality, and some canonical gluttony. For same size vore, I need the pred to be big, bulky, and generally, canonically capable to actually swallow someone whole. It's why I don't really do same size vore anymore unless the pred CAN canonically eat somebody at their regular size, and instead, do macro for most anime bois.

But anywho, onto the fun part below. These aren't my only favorite female characters for kink scenarios, just explicitly favorite female preds for vore only:

Orca (DC Comics): She's my number one pick for the same reason Killer Croc is. She just hits all of my buttons. She's big, beefy, canonically voracious, a canonical big eater, has smarts but sass, I find her look very appealing, and can see her in a number of different scenarios for stuffing, vore (both fatal and non-fatal), and everything in between. I love to envision her sitting on her thick rump while rubbing her massive, writhing belly, before her prey kicks hard enough to force out a GIANT, echoing belch from the whale woman. And then, Orca just grunts, chuckles and gives a mock apology for "being so unladylike." Then, she'd just smack her chest and knock loose an even bigger burp, giving Croc a run for her money, before sighing heavily and giving her fat belly a couple of resounding pats while it ripples beneath her palm with each one. She's also huge enough that she can lug her giant gut around, grinding it against a wall or floor and moaning with pleasure at the sensation and satisfaction of feeling her prey being tenderized by her gut.

Lady Dimitrescu (RE8): Cliche, I know, but honestly, Lady D is kinda perfect. She's huge, she's curvy, she's muscular, she has a domineering personality, she's utterly ruthless while also being classy, but also shows that she has a more depraved, uncaring side. And, of course, she's also VERY canonically voracious, and has devoured countless men over the past hundred years, and even threatens to swallow Ethan whole during her boss fight. I like to think that she could swallow Ethan, even in her beefy, curvy vampire-lady form without having to mutate into her Bloodborne Monster form. But unlike Orca, if Ethan's squirming forces her to belch loud enough to echo all throughout her castle, she'll cover her mouth in shock, and be utterly outraged by the filthy man-thing for daring to make her do something so uncouth. Like it's HIS fault. :P

Alice / B Rabbit (Pandora Hearts): Alice is a Chain, which essentially means they're predators by nature. Like Cheshire, she could canonically eat somebody due to her ravenous hunger. Only, instead of eating people like Cheshire and other Chains, Alice resorts to stuffing her face with more meat than humanly possibly possible. So, I can very easily see her giving in to her hunger against a real bastard and swallowing him whole, or even eating one of her friends to keep them safe from other enemy Chains. She's also incredibly loud, abrasive, cocky, and almost Tomboyish, which is my favorite kind of personality in female characters I'm most into. So I can easily see her freely burping loud enough to wake the dead and bragging about how huge that was. And if Gil gives her crap, she'd just burp in his face and grin cockily...before it devolves into their billionth argument of the week...

Mileena (MK): Baraka is one of my favorite preds in MK, so having female Baraka works for me, especially with her latest iteration, because she's so utterly voracious, teasing and downright wicked. I can picture her stuffing her face like a pig, messily devouring her victims, or swallowing them whole. And she'd be relentlessly teasing any prey she devoured, mocking them, slapping her belly and going out of her way to ensure that her prey is as miserable as possible. Every time she belches ferociously, she'd just swallow down more air to ensure that her prey doesn't lose consciousness, because she wants them to squirm and writhe through digestion.

Riptor (Killer Instinct): I didn't even realize Riptor was female until a few months ago, but...yeah, I dig that raptor for her FAT-ality alone. It was one of those defining moments of my youth, watching her sit with a balloon belly before burping that made me realize, "Oh nooooo...I like voooooare..." XD

Mirko (MHA): Mirko's a strange one, because her eating habits are never really talked about, far as I know. But her look and personality just hit EVERY button for me. She's a huge, muscular gal with curves and the most aggressive, Tomboyish personality I've seen in the entire series. So I can VERY easily see her having a massive appetite just because of how muscular she is and needing tons of calories to do so. But due to how utterly aggressive she is, I can also see her working for macro vore, having a strong enough stomach to store shrunken prey until she can let them loose in custody, and using her mighty legs to jet her way out from a villains lair. And due to her personality and loud, abrasive nature, I can easily see her being someone who freely and LOUDLY burps without a care in the world.

Toga (MHA): Her whole thing is that she has a very twisted view of love and connection. With her, it's all about blood. She wants to ingest the blood of everyone and everything she loves. I could very easily see that turning into her swallowing a shrunken victim she loves whole and digesting them so they can be together forever. Helps that, at least in the manga, she canonically lets out a big burp when that teleport happens for the first time. ;)

Lady Venom (Marvel Comics): So, admittedly, I know nothing about Lady Venom. But Venom's one of my favorite preds, so the image of him latching onto a woman host and making her every bit as voracious and snarky as Venom is just hits all the right buttons. I can even make them seeing jokes about how her prey is gonna make her lose her girlish figure as she talks to her giant writhing belly, before letting loose a colossal belch, then giggling and excusing herself with zero shame or embarrassment as she teasingly slaps her huge, jiggling gut. You can probably sense a pattern at this point with me. 'XD

I'm sure there are others, but off the top of my head, this is what comes to mind for female preds. I don't have nearly as much as I do male preds, but Orca ranks among some of my all time favorite preds period, so take that information how you will. ;)

[askdawnandvern]

WT: Well if we are going to go that far, literally anything could and has happened in terms of Dark AUs, but if you want my like...spin on some concepts, I can throw out some hypotheticals.

In terms of going full on dark outcomes, I feel like I would always have the worst timelines end by tragically blowing up in the schemers faces. Realistically, I feel that in every case, whether it was Dawn or Aster at the helm, it would catch up to them at some point, or backfire in a spectacularly unforeseen way.

Starting with Aster, let's say his plan hadn't been stopped. Instead of an exciting chase sequence where Vernon absconds with Dawn, the wolf takes the a different route, demanding to be taken into custody alongside Dawn. While they don't arrest him, the group of them go down to the station where it is impossible for them to intercepted by Aster's goons. However, Judy's fixation on Dawn and her presumed guilt wastes precious time cracking just what is actually being planned and who is planning it, and though they make enough progress to figure out what is coming and dispatch the ZPD to stop as many tankers as they can, a few get through and there are some casualties and serious injuries. Aster and his cronies are caught, but with more of a mess to clean up in the wake of the worst terrorist attack in Zootopian history, many more of the co-conspirators are able to flee or cover their tracks behind the veil of confusion and misery, and it takes Judy and Nick years to finally pin down every mammal involved.

Taking it to a worse degree, lets say Aster is completely successful. The kidnapping still happens and instead of using night-howler to deal with Dawn, Vern Judy and Nick, he simply elects to shoot them all. With no one else as close to the case as Nick and Judy were, there is no mammal to stop Aster and his goons. The districts are flooded in night-howler, and the city begins tearing itself apart. The unexpected turn of course is that the Night Howler doesn't kill everyone. Of course there are those mammals who escape the gassing, but they different methods of dispersal and the way it is diluted lead to a bulk of the mammals hit with it coming down with mild poisoning, (basically what we say in Dawn's original plot). Doug had made an incorrect calculation. Thus, while he, Aster and the others attempt to flee the city they are caught by a mob of savage mammals and meet a brutal end. Of course, with so few animals dead it's just a matter of catching them and giving them the antidote. And with many of them to act as witnesses, having seen what Aster's henchrams attempted to do first hoof, well, his efforts to hide his tracks would have quickly crumbled. It would take years after that to repair the city, and flush various water reservoirs and other areas where the diluted poison had pooled, and just as long to sniff out all the co-conspirators, but sadly many of them would have escaped.

With Dawn's death, as well as Nick and Judy's, public consensus would have settled on the idea that she must have had something to do with the plot, and that perhaps she had killed Nick and Judy as a final act of revenge, despite the lack of evidence and what little was found of their remains. As for the Hunter's, not only was there a good chance that Dorian, and Zach would have met grizzly ends at the paws of their co-workers,  but there's a good chance Wade would have also died in the chaos of trying to contend with a savage tundra town. And of course there would still be the mystery of just how Vernon died, and why what little of his remains were found alongside Dawn, Nick and Judy's.

Finally, rolling back further we have Dawn's original plot, and three different outcomes there. First is the less brutal outcome. Dawn notices the blueberries, and swaps them back out with night howler, tagging Nick and waiting for the chomp. But much to Dawn's complete shock, instead of pouncing on Judy, Nick coils around her protectively. This causes Dawn to completely snap, the madness and irritation reaching a boiling point as she begins to berate the fox, calling him a dumb pred, and lamenting that he can't even hunt right. This backfires horribly, with Nick making a surprisingly spry leap out of the pit and mauling Dawn to death.

Alternate path two, well that diverts from the Nick getting dosed with night howler point. Only this time, Nick does what was intended and violently mauls Judy. Unlike before though, Dawn's psyche breaks in an entirely different way. At this point the ewe had been running on Adrenalin and the fear of getting caught. But now, seeing a mammal she once saw as a friend be brutally murdered in front of her, and because of her, Dawn is immediately regretful and traumatized. The ZPD bursts in and shoots Nick with live ammunition hoping they can save Officer Hopps if the acted quickly enough, but it's too late. As for Dawn, she is too shocked to even speak, the ewe left mute as she stares back into the lifeless eyes of her once friend.

I've vaguely talked about the idea behind this before, a now remorseful and guilt ridden Dawn growing into a rapidly weak link in the entire operation from this point forward. Eventually the ewe makes the mistake of admitting to Doug that she intends to come clean and turn herself in, and this forces Doug's hoof to eliminate her. Naturally, this is done by staging a savage attack, and Dawn ironically meets her end the same way she had damned Judy to.

I guess the last one would be, for the sake of argument rolling it back enough to the point where Judy made the connection to the 'Night Howler' flower and simply nixing that whole realization entirely. Judy lives out the rest of her life in Bunny Burrow, memories of the case fading to the point when Night Howler finally comes up in discussion, she is no longer capable of making the connection. Meanwhile, in Zootopia the city plunges into chaos. After Gazelle is mauled at her peace concert by her own dancers, Zootopia becomes increasingly totalitarian. Nick and Finnick flee, as well as many other predators before Dawn announces the construction of a predator only zone called 'Happy Town” (Code named: Savage City). Predators that insist on staying in Zootopia are forced into the district, and eventually access to the outside districts is limited and suspended to all Happy Town residents. Eventually election privileges are suspended as well, until 'peacetime' returns to Zootopia, which of course never occurs as the increasingly mad Dawn begins planning creating new districts to further segregate the more dangerous populations in Zootopia. First the Mega-fauna for being to large and dangerous to more average sized mammals, then the Micro-fauna for 'their own protection' and so on until the City is split into a multitude of micro districts for a variety of other mammals, and the older, largely districts are left exclusively to caprid folks.

Of course, it was easy to keep the predators in check when it was only them Dawn had to worry about. Predators were outnumbered by prey by nine to one. But locking down pretty much every other mammal species aside from caprids created a massively growing tide of dissent and unrest, which would eventually lead to a full scale city wide riot. A riot that Dawn would be unable to contend with despite her best efforts. In this scenario Dawn would meet her fate at the end of an angry mob, made of both predator and prey, and united by their mutual hatred of one Dawn Bellwether.

So there's a heavy look into some dark AU's for you. I hope you like it, cause that went on way longer than initially intended.

[judefan852-blog]

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[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 80 - NSH - Didn’t Suck

John Vogl of the Athletic wrote an article last week called “How a Tuesday Night in December set a fateful tone for the rest of the Sabres’ Season”. It’s another excellent work by one of the better elder statesman of Buffalo Hockey media but more importantly it helps one in having an honest conversation about what this season is, was, and will be remembered as. One might look back on February 20th as some kind of turning point this season as well when Jason Botterill said he supported Coach Housley and a coaching change was not imminent. The post-vote of confidence part of the season, roughly Game 60 on (Buffalo has been 3-14-3 in that time), has been so bad it’s forced even optimists like me to swim in the deep ocean of miserable Sabres takes. I hate doing that if that hasn’t been clear and I was the kind of guy who didn’t think their playoff chances were really dead until that four-game losing streak earlier in February. I’m rehashing all these turning points for a couple reasons. For one, I’ve already spent one of these blogs covering an Amerks game and another entirely on coaching. I’m running out of shticks and there are still two games left. The other reason is that facing Nashville tonight got me thinking about turning points. The only other time the Sabres faced the Preds this season was an early December loss three games removed from the end of the winning streak. At that point we all knew nothing except for joy and happiness; I was strung like a loaded coil to go to the first Leafs game in Buffalo. I recall the other Nashville game clearly: it was a neutral zone battle that made me proud to be a Sabres fan, but it ended 2-1 in favor of Nashville. I was still so pompous at the time I was prepared to make a sign for the Leafs game to follow that referenced there almost being a team in Hamilton, Ontario! What a different time that was. This whole trip down memory lane I just took would’ve been a little monotonous and stupid, kind of like the Sabres season at this point, if I didn’t lead off with a bump for John Vogl. He is worth your time and money so go subscribe to the Athletic Buffalo. I guess I have to talk about the game we had tonight now… ugh, okay: The Sabres lost again. This time they didn’t seem completely lost.

The Nashville Predators have been the subject of some discussions of playoff readiness. The defensive juggernaut that isn’t too bad on offense either has been just ok lately. The 2017 Stanley Cup Finalists have been outmaneuvered or outright smashed in several games in March resulting in some upset fears going into spring. The Buffalo Sabres playing with Nashville as close as they did, particularly for the first two periods of this game, is in some degree attributable to this sagging Preds team. Nashville’s Craig Smith opened up the scoring in the first frame at a little under 9 minutes into the game. As the game continued the play of both teams opened up a bit; chances became more plentiful for both as each team kind of tripped over their own defensive schemes. It was the Preds defense struggling to get into to position that allowed for a tic tac toe pass play in the offensive zone for the Sabres. Kyle Okposo ended up getting the puck behind Pekka Rinne and tapped it in. It was 1-1 through the first intermission but that changed awfully quickly in the second period. P.K. Subban got out all alone against Carter Hutton and shot it past the former Predator in net. It was practically off the faceoff. It was 2-1 for a very brief time again before Conor Sheary thought he evened it up about three minutes into the middle period. The ref said it did not count. Before we go on it’s worth mentioning this was probably the best effort the Sabres have completed in several weeks. Jack Eichel, Sam Reinhart, Casey Mittelstadt, really all the guys, even the ones who aren’t big names did good tonight. The key follow-up there is they didn’t win. You guys got to figure out how to do that more consistently. Nonetheless, it felt nice to not watch another skating clinic.

Jeff Skinner evened up the game at 2 after gathering a nice rebound off the back boards with mere seconds left in the second period. I tuned into the third period full of hope Buffalo would make a real game out of it. They did but Ryan Johansen snuck a puck high on Hutton: it was one of those bounce in bounce out goals that gives Philadelphia Flyers flashbacks to the 2010 Stanley Cup Final. I built that up like it was a momentous play, but it was just a goal and it put Nashville up 3-2 where the game would end. The boys in blue and gold put up a good late effort to tie it, but the third equalizer never came and this one will look like just another regulation loss in the history of this season. This game didn’t suck and that maybe the summation of the only things that make this game watchable. It was so refreshing to see Jeff Skinner scored again that I wear a smile thinking about this game; maybe that’s a sign of just how far we’ve fallen. The Skin Man Skinner is now being treated as a departing hero by some and free agency seems like an inevitability with him at this point but silly optimists like me will continue to concoct ways he stays. The rumor mill has been so silent on him lately it feels like no one will even tolerate us being hopeful about the situation. On the other hand, I heard a theory Skinner is waiting for Phil Housley to be fired to sign. That’s probably some smelly bullshit but if that were true how quickly would Jason Botterill drop Housley? Immediately? That leads me to the considerations of everyone’s favorite weekly hockey column: 31 Thoughts by Elliotte Friedman.

This time we look at Friedman’s writings with a little skepticism. He states in thought number 8 that Jason Botterill doesn’t want to do a coaching change because there have been five coaches of the Sabres since Lindy Ruff left back in 2013. That doesn’t meet the smell test by way of the simple fact Botterill has only been here for one coach. If he has been indoctrinated with the concerns of ownership that’s another story but I don’t see him worrying about past bench bosses. The other half of the thought is that if the Sabres can’t get one of the big names this offseason following firing Housley (cough Joel Quenneville cough) than it makes since given Jason Botterill’s history in the Pittsburgh Penguins organization that he’ll promote Chris Taylor. Firstly, I want to point out I called it and have now been vindicated by Elliotte Friedman and second, why not? There is a glut of good AHL coaches and NHL assistants soon to be finding new jobs. Imagine this: The Rochester Americans win the Calder Cup after a hard-fought season and as reward Chris Taylor is announced as the replacement for the vacancy in Buffalo (because we know they’re firing Housley, right?). This allows you to hire one of half a dozen great AHL coaches to fill that void instead of taking another risk with an unproven guy for the NHL job. I will continue building this case until it comes to fruition. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

You know what to do: like, comment and share this blog around with friends and family. There is a certain dark-side of Sabres fandom that has reared its head in recent days that I have relegated to the P.S. of today’s blog. Instead of talking about that stupidity with any degree of credence we’re going to have a little talk about women’s hockey. I am an asshole, or at least I feel like one. I have only really mentioned the Buffalo Beauts or women’s hockey in passing this season and that’s not great considering the real titan of a team we had in Harbor Center this year. Now with the sudden folding of the Canadian Women’s Hockey League (CWHL) the whole professional outfit of women’s hockey in North America has suddenly gone into crisis mode. NWHL looks to be expanding to Toronto and Montreal to help the cause but this is really an issue all hockey fans should be screaming from the rooftops about. I waited far too long to do so myself. So that’s all for tonight folks, we only got two more of these Sabres games left! Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for reading.

P.S. He is everything and definitively not the problem. Stop. If you bring up the Eichel-hater discussion going on right now in the Sabres Noise-o-sphere I am going to block you immediately. Just an fyi.

[slick-n1ck]

Just another wolf, right? - Closed RP

Rolling down Savannah Square during rush hour wasn’t as easy as the officer would of enjoyed, nor the smartest decision, especially as every other lane was blocked by some mammal that had just as much room to spout at the other driver blocking his way, as he had to drive himself! With a grumble of defeat the vulpine promptly put the cruiser in park, since traffic was all but stopped. Nick observed the stand still cars around him, other cars as dead in their tracks as his own. No matter what, he had the call that someone on their wanted list was seen snooping around. Gang activity, the usual call ins, or at least when it came to pred. He was a wolf of some kind, is what the description was. 

“G’luck finding this guy...” He mumbled, staring at the police report that lay in the passenger seat. He’d have an easier time finding any loose allies to Bellewhether than he would nabbing this perp. 

It pained him to think that’s what a lot of preds were being boiled down to nowadays, especially after the Howler incident. A lot of people were much more scared of those with fangs and claws, as compared to before. Because now, even with it all solved and tucked away, the damage that one single ewe caused, wasn’t gonna go away overnight. But it seemed that all a lot of those with claws could get into, were gangs, crime related affiliations to assure some cash, some way to keep going. God knows trying to work a 9-5 in this city as the wrong species was hell and a half, it was hard enough getting hired it felt like--

“mmmmMMMMAAAAAHHH!” An ear splitting loud wail sounded behind the foxes cruiser, effectively jarring him from his thoughts just long enough to peek into the rear view to find a semi sitting almost bumper to bumper behind him. Seems not everyone can tell when traffic doesn’t move, it doesn’t move, no matter how hard you wail.

An irritated sigh slipped from the foxes thin lips as he pulled the case file into his lap, ears pricking as his radio crackled with news of a collision at an intersection [one he so found himself to be waiting on] was causing the back up. It may be up to half an hour until they can clear traffic to get a tow in there to fish the car out. He was wondering if he could help out and try to play a traffic cop, anything to alleviate the boredom that ensued with just sitting here. Sitting on the thought, he take a quick glance down at the case file, curious as to what else this guy was under the gun for. 

“Assault... Gang history, gang violence, gang affiliation unknown..” The fox mumbled, listing it off to himself. “He’s not been caught yet, surprising...” Nick laid the file atop the dash, resting his head back on the seat as he scanned the sidewalk. He really was a bit perplexed that only now had this guy been sighted since they had gotten a few calls before about a similar figure causing trouble with other folk, and always running with the same pack of people. But only now, was he spotted alone? Certainly something was up... Either that, or he was just slipping up, he hoped it was merely a small slip up.

Another sudden crackle over his radio confirmed his suspicions, another report of a similar wolf in the area, just a block over near a floral shop. “Welp...” He murmured, unsure of what to do next. Abandon his cruiser, see if he could make it on foot, or flash his lights and hope they just start levitating out of the way? “Mnnn...” The decision was made quicker than the fox could realize as he was already kicking the door open, and out he went. A quick call over his personal radio to inform dispatch of his situation was all he made before bolting off to the side, onto the sidewalk and towards. Admittedly, he would of held off a moment to listen to the truckers overly vulgar spiel on foxes, but this was something much more important.

It didn’t take that long to reach the floral shop, but more than enough to have him somewhat winded due to a constant sprint, leaving him regretting not doing enough cardio, something Hopp’s was always insistent on. Now there he stood, chest heaving, a paw resting on his hip, the other on the shops wall as he scoped the area out. But nothing, no wolf, no one matching the description. His paw slid from the wall, idly fumbling for the radio on his shoulder when a rough jerk nearly squashed him into the brightly colored, flower shops window. 

“H-hey now! Gotta watch out for the smaller guys!” He cautioned with a small rub to his side. But he felt it may of fallen on deaf ears as the figure kept moving, a small grunt of disapproval was all he gave. To many mammals that wouldn’t give a damn anyways... Emerald gaze shifted, looking over the sidewalk once more, scanning over the street that was still a piled up mess of cars, then back towards the sidewalk in front of him. Admittedly, it wasn’t the pig that nearly pushed him through the glass that got his attention, but was the side view of a rather black and white spotted canine waltzing into the alleyway just a shop or two down.

Nick called out, threatened arrest as he made to catch up, but the wolf just wouldn’t stop. A frustrated growl sounded through grit teeth, brushing past what few mammals stopped to ogle the fox with a badge screaming,’Stop, wolf! You’re under arrest!’. Only now, the only person he’d wish would stop was the one he was losing to the alleyway.

@dontmoveaninch

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Puck Daddy Countdown: Practice fights, predictable Vegas and ruining 3-on-3

The Golden Knights have come back down to earth the last few months. (Jeff Bottari/NHLI via Getty Images)

7. Ruining 3-on-3

If teams start doing this to McDavid and other elite players on a regular basis in overtime, the league needs to step in and tell them to cut the crap.

Remember when they first instituted the 3-on-3 OT and everyone was like, “It’s gonna take six months to ruin this?” Well it took a lot longer than that, and leave it to Randy Carlyle, whose teams are always like watching particularly dirty paint dry, to finally figure it out. Failing to exit your own zone for 35 seconds or whatever it was is basically the definition of anti-hockey, and it’s not what anyone wants.

That same night, the Preds and Jets had a wonderful, fun 3-on-3 that was the reason such overtimes should exist in the first place, so perhaps the cynicism hasn’t really spilled over elsewhere. But this is a copycat league and the Ducks won in OT eventually, so the idea that other teams are gonna start doing this just became a very real concern.

I hate it.

6. Writing it again

So Vegas finally clinched a playoff spot after really dropping off over the last month. As noted in yesterday’s Power Feelings, Monday night’s victory over the Avs was their first win — of any kind: regulation, overtime, or shootout — against a Western Conference playoff team since Feb. 8.

This led a lot of people to go, “Ah, hmm, let us say how Vegas is actually good,” for the first time in a month or more. Lots of fun, non-PDO theories for why they’re north of 100 points were floated. They’re 17th in the league in expected-goals percentage across all situations over the last month, but at 5-on-5 they’re dead last. A PDO-heavy team getting by on special teams all year flattening out at the end of the season then getting walloped in the playoffs? I’ve never heard of that before!!

The word “intangibles” is flying around a lot again. Lost in the win over Colorado was the fact they got shelled and only Marc-Andre Fleury being .930 for the last month kept them afloat both in that game and overall. And the fact that literally like 80 percent of the team is in a contract year probably helps Wild Bill Karlsson get to 40 goals or whatever. But it’s like, c’mon man, if the collective wisdom around this team on Oct. 1 was that they weren’t very good, well, that’s probably gonna end up being right. Especially if I say it, ha ha ha.

There’s something to be said, I guess, for people buying the narrative, and contrary to expectations I really don’t want to be the guy who has to array my arguments against fun stories in the league.

But people in the media have such a collective delusion around all these teams, most of which share a similar profile in one way or another to some previous season’s white-hot-team-that-crashed-and-burned, that it needs to be refuted. I don’t know how many times skepticism around these teams needs to be quadruple-underlined and then proven in the postseason, but apparently the answer is, “At least one more.”

5. The Weber trade

Great news, gang: Shea Weber is gonna be healthy for the start of training camp next season!

He played a whopping 26 games this year, a good chunk of them not-healthy to begin with, and he turns 33 in August. He’s signed for another eight seasons at $7.857 million AAV. This is working out great.

Just as a side note, P.K. Subban is the best defenseman on maybe the best team in the league and has an outside shot at 60 points this year.

Who saw this coming? Oh right, a bunch of people, including the stats guy the Canadiens fired who works for the Preds now. Huh!

4. Nick Foligno

I’m sincerely very curious to see what the Blue Jackets do in the next couple weeks (at least) with Nick Foligno on the sidelines.

Foligno is, of course, overpaid and overrated — he only has 33 points this year because he’s not shooting 15-plus percent and makes $5.5 million against the cap — but he’s also a solid player for them in all situations and isn’t that so helpful. At some point, it doesn’t matter how much you pay a guy as long as he’s helping and you’re under the cap. Foligno, demostrably, helps.

Thus, it’ll be interesting to see what Columbus, which has been winning a lot and playing extremely well for a while now, does in his absence. No matter what you think of him in the grand scheme of things, he’s not an easily replaceable guy.

3. College signees

Normally when a bunch of college players get scooped up all at once and people are like, “Is this guy going to make a difference at the NHL level,” I have to break the bad news to them that, probably they aren’t.

This year, I don’t have to be that Bad News Bear(er). Almost every guy who’s getting signed in the past few days, I’m saying to myself, “Yeah he’s probably an NHLer right now.”

There are a few notable exceptions here: Dylan Gambrell, Will Borgen, the defenseman from Michigan Tech the Blues just signed, probably Erik Foley, who the Blues are about to sign as I write this but may have already done so by the time you read it, maybe Nolan Stevens. (Boy, I guess I don’t love these Blues signings.)

But for the most part, guys like Dylan Sikura, Casey Mittelstadt, Adam Gaudette, Henrik Borgstrom, Troy Terry, Ryan Donato (obviously), maybe Jordan Greenway, these are NHLers. Pretty wild to think about how good of a crop the NCAA produced this year.

2. Kyle Connor

Hey speaking of college guys, where did Kyle freakin’ Connor come from in the Calder race, eh?

Mat Barzal is still the likely winner — scoring a point a game helps, I suppose — and Brock Boeser really opened things up by getting injured, but Connor and Clayton Keller have really come on late. Connor’s up to 29 goals in 69 games and he’s currently fifth in points per game among rookies.

One wonders if it’s gonna help his cause that he’s doing all this scoring in the thick of a playoff race while Barzal, Boeser and Keller are all miles out of a playoff spot. After all, how can you be the best rookie if your team isn’t in the playoff convo? Shoutout to Yanni Gourde too then, I guess.

1. “It’s actually good to fight in practice”

This is the kind of insane baby-boomer-brain-speak that needs to be driven out of hockey immediately. Like the other day when the Red Wings’ Twitter account said, “Hey it’s the anniversary of when all the guys on the Wings and Avs beat the crap out of each other, pretty cool right?” And I’m like, “Ahh, not really, since it’s 2018.”

I’m not sure exactly who, demographically speaking, thinks fighting is good any more, but I bet a lot of them are very mad at the teens who don’t like gun violence. I bet that’s a pretty round Venn diagram, yeah.

***

(Not ranked this week: Georges Laraque.

Let’s go with the premise, for a minute, that the “info” Laraque got about “Taylor Hall” “going” to “rehab” was actually 1 million percent true and definitely a real thing that happened.

Okay, so if it’s true, this is a guy who has a drinking problem and who seems to have overcome it to some extent and is having a great year in New Jersey. Why is it any of some retired goon’s business to go on the radio and be like, “Here’s what the deal is, folks!” just because he can?

Let’s use a real example. Suppose Scott Darling, who is famously an actual alcoholic, fell off the wagon. Should someone who heard that go on the radio and say, “Well sure, his save percentage stinks, but he’s drinking again so what do you expect?” Even if that were true, that would be a really crappy thing to do to him and his family and his team.

I don’t have a solution here, I just think it sucks to do this to someone with a substance abuse problem, even if you totally made it up.)

—

Ryan Lambert is a Puck Daddy columnist. His email is here and his Twitter is here.

(All statistics via Corsica unless otherwise noted.)

[tessacardillo0-blog]

Perform Not Allow Your Contentment To Depend On People's Activities

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To renew your electricity, you must create time to renew your spirit with whatever behaves or rituals that produce your heart perform! That is actually extremely basic: Acquire a tape or even a notebook recorder and also monitor any type of pleased seconds you observe in the course of your time.

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NHL Power Rankings: Maple Leafs and Bruins are big risers

The Maple Leafs were red-hot last week, going 3-0-0. (Mark Blinch/NHLI via Getty Images)

(Hey everyone, we here at Puck Daddy are doing real power rankings for teams Nos. 1-31. Here they are, based on only how I am feeling about these teams, meaning you can’t tell me I’m wrong because these are my feelings and feelings can’t be wrong. Please enjoy the Power Feelings.)

31. Arizona Coyotes (Last week: -1)

30. Ottawa Senators (-4)

One of the things people — myself included — didn’t really talk about when they all said the Senators were bad last year was that Craig Anderson is and has been a good goalie for a very long time. Pretty much always above-average.

Except, hey, he was 35 last season, which makes him 36 this season. That’s just some quick math from me to you. Anyways, when you’re 30-plus, a thing that happens to a lot of goalies is that they go from “having it” to “not having it” in pretty short order. And so here we are, with Anderson sitting sub-.900 and no longer able to prop up a team that still had a negative goal difference last season even when he was .926 in 40 appearances.

Could be a long season.

29. Buffalo Sabres (+2)

I couldn’t in good conscience put the Sabres dead last in the league again this week, even though I think they’re the worst team in it. They won just one of their three games, but their two losses weren’t in regulation.

That’s four points, baby! And sadly, that’s 25 percent of their season total entering the week.

28. Detroit Red Wings (-1)

27. Florida Panthers (+1)

26. Philadelphia Flyers (+3)

They won all three of their games since the last Power Feelings published, allowed five goals, and scored 13. It’s nice to have a plus-8 goal margin in three games. But also, uhh, they still recently lost 10 in a row. Which is a problem.

25. Colorado Avalanche (+/- 0)

24. Anaheim Ducks (-1)

Some of the big forwards who have been out forever, like Jakob Silfverberg and Ryan Getzlaf, are back. That helps! But one wonders how much that helps, and how much whatever that amount of help helps. This is a team that’s not too far out of a playoff spot despite their tough go of things, but there are also about 600 teams between them and the other spot available (rough estimate).

23. Carolina Hurricanes (-2)

22. Vancouver Canucks (-5)

Bo Horvat being out another month-plus? Yeah that’ll just about do it for the Canucks as a team anyone should pay much attention to in the Pacific. Brock Boeser still rules and all that kinda stuff, but the sun is setting on these guys and that’s fine. That’s expected.

21. Edmonton Oilers (+2)

I love the Oilers, man. Any time everyone says, “This team is done!” they win five of eight and everyone says, “Oh maybe not” but then they lose again in frustrating fashion (like not scoring on 40 shots).

I think this team is still pretty good because of you-know-who, but it’s just a funny thing Edmonton alone seems to have a unique capacity to achieve.

20. Montreal Canadiens (-2)

19. Calgary Flames (+3)

I feel like I am mostly writing stuff about teams in the Pacific right now but the Flames are playing well. In the past week they went 2-0-1 and the loss was in a shootout to Toronto, which is one of the hottest teams in the league right now. Can’t be mad at ’em!

There’s so much to like about this team, but there still seems to be something missing. Probably it’s “depth.” Yeah.

18. Chicago Blackhawks (+1)

Not talked about as much as I might have expected, but only three guys on this team have more than 20 points. I don’t think anyone saw that coming, even the doomsayingest of doomsayers would have probably given them more credit than that.

But anyway, two wins in a row to snap a five-game losing streak. Of course, those two wins were against Buffalo and Arizona at home, and they have Florida up next, so these are all games they should win. But still, not excited about that.

17. Boston Bruins (+5)

The Bruins don’t have the very best record in the last week, per se, but in three weeks? Folks, they’re 8-2! Not bad!

You can put a lot of this on Tuukka Rask, who is suddenly playing like he won a Vezina before. In the time since this neat little run started, he’s .946. That’ll put you ahead of the game.

16. New York Rangers (+/- 0)

15. Minnesota Wild (-1)

14. New Jersey Devils (-3)

The Devs have lost two in a row, three of the last four, and four of the last six. That feels pretty “right” to me in terms of where this team should have been all along.

I’m real glad Cory Schneider and Taylor Hall are playing well, but that defensive depth seems to be catching up with them. They haven’t outshot someone since Nov. 24, and that was the Canucks, so…

13. Dallas Stars (-3)

12. Pittsburgh Penguins (+/- 0)

The Penguins gave away five of a possible six points this week, which isn’t good, especially because two of those opponents were in the division. But the reason I kept them in place is that they really don’t have much to prove to me.

The fact that this team is a point out of a top-three spot in the Metro (with the sliding Devils and the floundering Islanders ahead of them) with all its problems tells you a lot about its quality.

11. San Jose Sharks (+3)

10. New York Islanders (-2)

Three losses this week for the Isles, and well, it was always going to happen.

9. Vegas Golden Knights (+/- 0)

Four wins in a row for Vegas. That’s what they’ll keep telling you. But that doesn’t tell you it’s after three losses in a row. Or that Vegas won three of those games either in a shootout or overtime.

Their record in one-goal games (or one-goal games with empty-netters) is 13-4-1. I bet they keep that up forever!

8. Washington Capitals (+4)

7. St. Louis Blues (-1)

It’s tough at the top, man. I can’t believe this is true, but here goes: Basically every team in the top nine has won a bunch of games recently. Strange situation. The Blues have won four in a row and I’m still like, “I dunno, man, they’re the Blues.”

Like, I think they’re really good! But are they better than the following six teams in front of them? Certainly not all six of them. I can be talked into thinking they’re better than L.A.

6. Los Angeles Kings (-1)

5. Columbus Blue Jackets (-1)

4. Nashville Predators (-1)

The Preds are 3-0-1 in the last four games, and they take a step back in the rankings because I think it’s embarrassing to lose to Vegas.

3. Toronto Maple Leafs (+5)

The Leafs won all three games in the last week and have 12 points in their last eight games, which is a good number. They’re scoring enough, not giving up a ton of goals, pretty much everything you’d like (except they’ve given up 36-plus shots on goal in four of the last five games).

Anyway, I think the Leafs are probably gonna be one of those teams that looks really good or kinda bad most nights.

2. Winnipeg Jets (+/- 0)

Dustin Byfuglien being “week-to-week” strikes me as being, uh, bad. But it didn’t happen last week so hooray for the Jets continuing to be good.

1. Tampa Bay Lightning (+/- 0)

Nonetheless, it seems like these are still the two best teams in the league, as evidenced by their head-to-head result. It’s hard to get points out of Tampa, man.

—

Ryan Lambert is a Puck Daddy columnist. His email is here and his Twitter is here.

(All stats via Corsica unless otherwise noted.)

[yahoo-puck-daddy-blog]

Eulogy: Remembering the 2016-17 Nashville Predators

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we’re bound to lose some friends along the journey. We’ve asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers and fans who hated them the most. Here is the good folks at Faxes From Uncle Dale, a Chicago Blackhawks blog, fondly recalling the 2016-17 Nashville Predators.)

(Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don’t take it so seriously.)

By Faxes From Uncle Dale

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve come here once again to bur….you know what, it doesn’t feel right this time.

Because… is this really a funeral? In most ways, it feels like the Nashville Predators were born this spring. As we all know, you’re not actually a hockey town, or even a section of civilization, until Canadian hockey media discovers that you’re a better place to watch a game than a freezing barn in Guelph, if that’s even a real place.

Welcome to the big time, Nash-Vegas. You’re now officially on the sanctioned list for Globe and Mail writers to come and get drunk and fall down.

(Other areas on the list include Bob McKenzie’s lake house, Winnipeg and Tony Twist’s St. Louis-style hot dog stand. Congrats, everyone. You’ve made it.)

You got lucky in a sense, though. Because Canadian writers refuse to acknowledge that college hockey is an actual thing – heaven for fend any hockey player receive anything over 7th-grade schooling – so they didn’t know your entire repertoire is lifted from college hockey fans. All your chants and traditions, taken from boozed-up frat boys who couldn’t get tickets to their school’s basketball team. But that’s OK, good artists borrow, great artists steal and whatever you are turn octopi into catfish.

Funny how that works, the way you moaned about Sidney Crosby trying to turn Subban’s head into fish-guts but mocked Wings fans doing the same about Shea Weber doing the same to Henrik Zetterberg. And now you are Wings fans, except your projectiles make for better eating … by the fans of the team that just beat you, apparently.

You’ve become what you once abhorred. Still, you helped highlight how an entire country that is essentially built on this sport couldn’t develop a fan culture beyond, “Go Leafs Go!” So thanks for that.

Ah, but you were born in so many other ways this spring. Look at you, muzzling the NHL’s most galvanizing personality for the last two games of the Final. Just like the big boys! We look forward to you spending the summer poisoning the water around PK Subban with rumors of his teammates not liking him and fights with Peter Laviolette, before the big Subban-Muzzin trade of 2018. Don’t you love being a REAL team now? Soon you can employ a policy of only hiring coaches and GMs that speak “honkey-tonk” or “talk pretty.”

You grow up so fast. It was just yesterday you were happy to get into the playoffs or celebrating winning a series. And now you’re here blaming the refs for everything from your loss to the Titans continued mediocrity to the atrocity Kings Of Leon have become. Again, just like a traditional market. You are mere minutes away from Down Goes Brown making jokes about it every article he writes to mask his internal pain. You can almost see him doing a “Find/Change” from “Kerry Fraser” to “disallowed goal Game 6.” Isn’t being in the same house with Leafs fans now great? You should probably start tuning up your emotions for when Kevin Fiala wins a Cup somewhere else and brings it back to you after you chase him out of town because one writer saw him eat a pork shoulder once.

I suppose that’s the conclusion here. With everything you’ve been through, what we’ve discovered is your inferiority complex combined with a constant need to declare how special a fandom you are, conspiracy theories, your fear of personality with your players (and unveiled bigotry from your captain), terrible country music and barely middling rock bands to your underwhelming beer…you’re officially a Canadian city!

Since you are a Canadian city, let’s start by gushing over your nation’s proud son and Eugene from The Walking Dead look-alike, Ryan Johansen. Some have said this series would’ve turned out differently if Johansen was healthy. Others have said this playoffs was his coming out party and this is the superstar we all imagined he’d be. Actually, it was only Pierre McGuire saying all this, but we digress.

Before his leg internally combusted, the 24 year-old Johansen had his way with a beefed up Jonathan Toews and then whatever the things were that St. Louis penciled in as their top center. Was it Patrik Berglund? Was it Paul Stastny? Who could really tell for sure because we were too busy dipping our retinas into cyanide.

Then in the Western Conference final, he was matched up against 94 year old Ryan Kesler. Bravo to Ryan Kesler, by the way, for continuing to employ the same “get inside the opponent’s head, GRITSANDPAPERFART” style in the playoffs that has yet to work in his entire career. And kudos to the Canadian media for forgetting how common of an occurrence it is for Kesler to get ragdolled by a superior opponent every spring. We are already looking forward to next summer when he’s once again portrayed as a shutdown center, and once again getting eliminated after 6 games the moment he lines up against a center worth a damn. “BUT LOOK AT ALL THOSE POST-WHISTLE SCRUMS!!!”

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Where were we? Oh yes. We were talking about the massive raise Ryan Johansen shall be expecting now that he’s proven himself against the giants of the Western Conference. Nashville, we hate to be the ones to tell you this but if Johansen saw himself as a $4 million player before he even won a playoff series, what do you think he’s expecting now? Surely, a good old boy from Canada would never hold his franchise to the flames. No sir.

Lucky for you, now you get to resent two of your top players as Viktor Arvidsson is also due a new contract. This is where the fun really begins as you get to microanalyze how much each is overpaid and taking away an opportunity from a middling ECHL superstar. Didn’t we tell you being a NHL city is a hoot?!?

But you had some Canadian hockey city tactics down before your great “spring awakening.” You stood by Pekka Rinne for years and years, even though he was terrible in the playoffs for… well, really quite a while. You told everyone we just didn’t understand, just like they do in Winnipeg. That the money he was being paid was quite worth it, we just couldn’t tell. We didn’t know what you knew, you claimed. And for three rounds, you probably felt vindicated, genuinely believing that Rinne had cracked the code at age 35 instead of “got hot for a few weeks there.”

But water always seeks its own level, you probably know that from your ice surface, and when you’re done building bomb-shelters to protect yourselves from the perceived threat of NHL refs, Gary Bettman, NBC, and Sidney Crosby, you’ll realize Rinne’s full-body dry heaves in Games 1, 2, and 5 cost you a parade.

A parade that every “country” star needing some PR would have glommed onto to appear as “one of the people.”

You’re basically the Kings fanbase after huffing paint for a week.

And really, let’s not pretend Carrie Underwood doesn’t spend every minute of attendance at Preds games wondering if she’d have to be there at all if she’d just gone the Taylor Swift route when she had the chance.

At least you’ll always be able to look fondly back on this season as the time you won two games in the Stanley Cup Final. Fans and media around the continent will be talking about this special run forever and ever. They’ll talk about how Sidney Crosby elevated himself to a top 5 all-time NHL player. They’ll talk about PK Subban being a distraction and too dancey and other thinly veiled casual racism. They’ll talk about how much Roman Josi actually sucks (which for some reason became a huge talking point amongst statheads during the playoffs).

We guess what we’re saying here is no one is going to talk about this run ever again outside of Nashville. The Predators were just another 2010 Flyers, 2014 Rangers or any one of the teams the Red Wings used to steamroll in the Cup Final season after season. An entertaining speed bump but a speed bump nevertheless. But hey, you beat the Hawks in the first round. The Canucks gave themselves a banner over it. At least we think they did. We stopped paying attention when they exited the NHL in 2013. Other teams to accomplish that are Arizona and St. Louis, who have gone on to dominate the league since. If by “dominate” we mean “definitely are a few dates on the schedule.” Welcome to your brethren.

One of our favorite jokes during the playoff run was Player X now has more goals the Chicago Blackhawks scored (3) in the entire playoffs. We also like the one where the Blackhawks won as many games as Nashville has had parades since 2010. Unless next week’s Jug & Fiddle Parade is somehow related to winning something that actually matters. And no we don’t mean Faith Hill’s “Best Record By Woman Who Is Just A Photoshop Airbrush” award from the 2013 CMAs.

To quote one of Nashville’s finest writers and one of the all time great Puck Daddy eulogies: How many Cups have you won Nashville?

The answer, we’re afraid is still zero.

Also your uniforms look like piss.

PREVIOUS NHL EULOGIES

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Calgary Flames

Chicago Blackhawks

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Edmonton Oilers

Minnesota Wild

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