#ppl get mad and tell me to stick up for myself bcs i have teachers who love me dearly and still call my name incorrectly

[jrueships]

wait. you say lingerie like LAWN.. ger ray ?

... i thought you said it like linguini... like the pasta...

[sumarmz]

Thinking about the time I made pm manifestos for two of my teachers to see if they'd hypothetically vote me over rishi sunak but they wrre both wildly different and I got caught lying

More details under the read more thingy bc I want to say a lot lmao

BASICALLY YEAH

my history teachers in a one sided rivalry with English bc English is above history in this like online hw app wr use called gcsepod and she's all "I bet English is booking computer rooms and forcing them all to watch gcsepods all lesson" (in actuality me and my friends played like 700 English pods collectively one night bc I have the most pods watched but my history teacher praised this guy who barely does his homework bc he did it one time but ignored my efforts so revenge) also no one has glue sticks at my school fun

ANYWAYS when elections wrre going on I went to all my chill teachers and said 'would u rather vote me or rishi sunak" qnd all of them said me obviously EXCEPT TWO. MISS BURNS (history teacher) AND DR WOOD (English teacher who me and my friend harass daily but he also left so now I'm sad) and Miss Burns was like "Well I don't rlly like rishi sunak but I'll have to see ur manifesto" then Dr Wood was like "legally I can't say (racist)"

SO I DEVISED A PLAN (making a manifesto for each of them that was different)

For Miss Burns it was like "ban English from watching gcsepod" "tax the English department" "make William the new monarch" "declare Miss Burns the best history teacher"

For Dr Wood it was "force Dr Woods partner to let him keep snails" "give English more glue sticks" and stupid shit basically, the history one was more hostile towards English but the English one was just "Oh u mentioned this one time So now it's a law"

ANYWAYS I give miss burns manifesto BUT she goes to the head of English whose like in the classroom besides her for some reason and is like "Mr Ford look at this" and he just looks at me like :| but Miss Burns is very happy and I gain her vote

Next i give it to Dr Wood and he reads the snail one he starts laughing and is like "I need to tell Jess about this (his partner)" and he's like "can I keep this???" And me and my mate are proper giggling bc it's so stupid and then I'm like oh yeah I'm remaking the national anthem and he's like what is it and my mates been singing this song all day to wind me up so I pat them and I'm like "Ziggy will sing it they've been singing it all day" AND THEY ACTUALLY DO??? BUT then he's like "okay guys where should u be" and we're like erm it's lunch mate and he's like ok go to lunch and I'm like awh he's sick of us

I'm content with myself I'm like yeah I pulled it off I got two extra votes and it's sports day so I'm selling drinks bc yes BUT THEN miss burns walks up to me the interaction was like

MB: "hello"

Me: "what have I done now"

MB: "you've been deceitful that's what"

Me: "is this about the manifesto"

MB: "yes-"

*me laughing for a solid like two minutes while ppl get mad at me bc I'm not selling them ice lollies*

MB: "I went to the printer and found it was paper jammed so I went to look and I saw your manifesto, but for Dr Wood"

Me: *still laughing*

MB: "that is deceitful! That is lying! I feel betrayed! I had a little word with Dr Wood as well and he's not happy"

Me: "awh man"

And that's jt rlly then I speak to Dr Wood and he's with the head of English and we're talking about it and he's like "yk I was rlly happy to hear we're getting more gluesticks but I was less happy to hear that it was coming out of taxes from the English department" and I was like well I'm lying I'm omw to becoming a real politician

And yeah that's the story it was funnier irl

[gardenbiriety]

bad feeligns below lol

so like tw for self harm, sui ideation, gender dysporia, anxiety/depression? generally Not Good Feels, parents being yikes, transphobia, ableism, grottiness

so like i feel so shit and every time i get to an okay kind of place the tiniest thing happens and it’s like i’ all the way back at the start? why can’t i just be neurotypical already?

so i ‘m gonna be legally changing my name soon and my parents don’t want me too and while i don’t think they are going to actively stop me i’m worried that they are goign to be make it more shitty to live at home but i can’t go anywhere else? like i am in the midst of yr 12 and having to learn how a new household works and their schedule would fuck me up so bad? plus i wouldn’t want ot burden anyone like that

like i’m really fucking scared? but i’m more scared of what i’ll do to myself if i don’t change my name? like i think about hurting myself every single day and the urge to do it is so fucking strong like? what’s stopping me? nothing? i could fuckign slice my hips open and nobody would ever know it’s winter

i’m just very very scared and very tired and even tho i know my friends love me and support me but like? my family doesn’t. like they ‘’’support me’’’ by only verbally critizing me and not actively standing in my way when i do things (generally) and i’m jsut so fucking tired of it? like i want out but i don’t wanna financailly cripple myself and it’s not like i’m ever going to amount to anything anyway? i mean? for fucks sake? who is going to hire a sad shy ~~~ special snowflake ~~ child? like? i am never going to be employed? nothing i do will be judged based ont he actual action it will always be about me being genderqueer like??? everything will come back to that and i don’t want to? live like that? i’m so fucking mad but also exhausted so mostly i’m sad and i’ve had enough? is it too much to ask to be accepted and love by my family? am i really that? diffficult to love? like? that’s literally all i want is for them to actually love me and support me and it’s not even that hard right? i don’t understand why they are like this ?

i am also goign to fucking fail school, i’m nto doing maths but i still won’t get the score i need to get into the courses i want that don’t have math ass a pre req, but with maths i would get like a 40 study score so? i’m fuCked there isn’t even any point anymore i’ve had enough honestly

like i am such a lost cause i can’t even handle sitting in a room? and making myself actually do homework? in that room in school time set aside specifically for that? like how fucking lazy do you have to be? why can’t i just? fucking? do it? i am actually smart but because i am fucking incapable of putting in any sort of effort i’m gonna fucking fail year 12 lmao what even is the point?

i’m just so tired i never want to do anythign again i just want to be gone for fucks sake? if i wasn’t such a wuss i would be already lol

i keep trying to be lik e’ don’t be mean to urself it’s just ur MI making you like this, don’t walk on a broken leg, ecct.” but like? that’s just me trying to shift rresponsibilty for my own actions off myself why can’t i jut grow up and hold myself accountable lmao?

okAy and also like? my parents say i don’t talk to them but when i do they always get mad at me? like i was telling my dad about how i’m dropping maths but i might be allowed to be able to sit in the class room (my friendss are in the class and i’m good friends with the teacher too) and even tho i’m not actually a part of the class i could study/do homework there instead of in the study center (which fucks me up and i have panic attacks in there like every otehr day lol kms) which would be so fucking good like? i would be so productive and yet? my dad was like ? y don’t u jsut stay in maths then?” and gave me the biggest greasie and i legit had to leave bc i HAtE fighting with my dad bc he scares the shit out of me lol? like my ma i know she loves me even if she is a dickhead sometimes and that she will listen if i write things down and don’t be too confrontational but my dad? i’m terrified he will hit me and like? u know that voice ppl use when they speak to a dog that’s being bad? he uses the same voice to talk to me and my brothers when we do something he disapproves of and i fucking hate it so much like?  i hate it i hate it i hate it and i hate how he will hurt my brothers and i can’t do anything bc if i say anything i’l  make it worse and one of them has adhd and my parents are both super harsh on him all the time and like? nothing they do actually helps him ti’s just easy for them to be mad and have him be scared into doing what they want rahter than actually being responsible and growing and being a good person and i’m so mad bc my brother is literally an angel and he thinks he’s st*pid bc my dad called him (idk hwo to censor it but like? basically he insults his interlligence all the fucking time ) and they yell at him when he doesn’t answer right away and it makes me so fucking mad like he tries his best and they have no understanding what so everr like they don’t even? i’m really fucking mad i love my brother so much and they are shit as too him and i really dont want him to end up like me bc if he does if he ever says anything my dad would probably actually beat him up and i’m terrified for him? is that silly? idk since i think abt sui like all the time i’m just scared he might also get like me but bc he’s not ‘’’’a girl’’’’ (i’m not but that s why feelings are ok bc females are weak appaz lmoa) and they will jsut tell him to get over it and i’m so?

i’m so fucking scared and i dont want to feel like this anymore but it won’t stop and i dont’ know what i’m supposed to do i literally cannot continue like this but i can’t cchange anythign bc i’m so powerless and weak and i fucking? why can’t i jsut be okay ffor more than a few hours at a time is that to much to ask? i jsut want to be fucking happy and i’m never going to be able to achieve that? i’m never going to get into the uni i want, i’m nto gonna be able to go to the places i want, i’m not going to be able to live how i want i’m not going to be able to do anyting? my life is just gonna be under the thumb of my parents until i fucking die and i’m too weak to change anything and i hate myself lmao

i cannot even look in the mirror it’s so fucking? painful? like i just want to be recognised as myself is that oo much to fucking ask? for people to use the right name and the right pronousna dn to not invite me to fucking girls nights ever again.

i feel like a clown with makeup on and i feel like a boy with pants on and i hate both i hate it i hate it i hate my long hair and i dont want to get it bleached againa nd i don’t want to keep it but i’m too sccared to fucking cut it off bc my ma will hate it and i hate the way half of my shirts cling and show off my boobs and i hate my boobs but at the same time they are really nice boobs? i’m proud? i hate the way my cheeks are pudgy and my jaw isn’t sharp and my forehead is too big and my chin is covered in pimples and so it my back and my shoulders and my feet are bony and weird and have big veiws and my hips are too big and my arms are disgusting and my ribs stick out funny and my fingers are always msising skin and i have scabs on my scalp from where i’ve scratched it oo much and i hate how sometimes i can’t wash my hair bc there are too many cuts on my fingers and it’s too painful and i just wish i could fucking? not be like this i wish i could work out without being embarssed, i would i could put my msuic on in the car without beeing embarssed, i wish i could fucking exist in any sort of space outside my bedroom without beign embarassed i wish i could push through that embarassment and o things i want to do i wish i could fucking do something? literally anything? just? do ? something? i wish i wasn’t such a piece of shit