#ppl always tell me “i dont like labelling” then immediately go on to be like “this person is bad bc i dont understand them”

[juni-ravenhall]

me and yasmin talked about how basically in yasmine's story his trauma/etc is not that relevant bc its about his actions and feelings in the present and the consequences. while oppositely my ocs story is not about their actions in the present at all and mostly only about the consequences of a polarised "100% healthy vs 100% trauma" childhood. so i thought thats funny and complementing each other

[damagedcoda6669]

how did youknow youbhad bpd? what were the main "symptoms" ?? soryif it comes off as personal or uncomfy you dont hsveto answer

(im rlly rlly rlly autistic abt bpd PREPARE 4 AN ENTIRE BIBLE ABT HOW I DISCOVERED I HAD IT)

ive exhibited symptoms of bpd my entire life (it usually starts 2 present in childhood or early adulthood, it comes from childhood abuse/neglect) i only started 2 notice something was wrong in my tweens/early teens, when malachi became my favorite person and every1 was calling me mentally ill and weird and obsessive. ive known my entire life i was neurodivergent (first started therapy at 6 or 7, diagnosed with bipolar + autism + adhd + depression + anxiety RLLY early on) but there was something else that felt wrong 2 me. at that age i didnt rlly know what 2 search 4 or who 2 talk 2, so i just went on google and searched "love disorders" and obsessive love disorder came up (which isnt even in the DSM iirc) and i posted on google plus saying i likely had that and was shot down IMMEDIATELY 4 "self diagnosing" so i didnt revisit it again until a few years later.

after my breakup in 2021 i felt like it hurt WAY MORE than was normal. i stumbled across a video abt bpd during that time period and it resonated with me way 2 much. im impulsive, i have angry outbursts, im constantly suicidal, i self harm, i have extreme mood swings, i dont know who i am and ive always just mirrored other ppl, i dissociate, i have black and white thinking, i view ppl as all good or all bad and i split, i have consistently unstable relationships, i get attached 2 ppl more than i should be, and i have a paralyzing, nauseating fear of abandonment. i have every symptom in the diagnostic criteria.

i brought up the possibility of me having bpd with my mom i think (i had no one else 2 go 2 becuz all of my friends abandoned me and my parents took away my internet access) and i was shot down again, with my mom saying the CLASSIC "(insert family member) has bpd and shes crazy. ur normal. stop pretending theres something wrong with u. if u had bpd u'd be vindictive and petty and evil. do u think ur those things?"

once i figured out how 2 get my internet access back, maryland dude forced the bpd label on2 me becuz he wanted 2 explain my "abusive" behaviors (he was abusing me but tried 2 gaslight me in2 thinking i had a victim complex and that it was the other way around) and i became uncomfortable with the label becuz he made it seem like if i had bpd then i was a bad person. i continued researching the disorder becuz it still resonated with me even though i was now insecure abt it.

i became comfortable with the label again after he abandoned me, and i brought it up with my therapist. my therapist would HEAVILY DENY that i had bpd, telling me that "if u had bpd u would be attempting suicide 4 attention" "u fit the diagnostic criteria but ur autistic so all of ur symptoms can just be attributed 2 autism srry" "ive had clients with bpd and if u were like them u wouldve had an outburst in my office and be yelling at me by now" and she would even smile at me whenever i brought up my bpd becuz she thought it was funny that i thought i had it, i think. the first time i brought it up with her she told me "its rlly irresponsible 2 self diagnose after reading liek two articles online abt some extreme disorder becuz u think ur broken. ur not broken. dont self diagnose with bpd" and i had to EXPLAIN 2 HER that i wasnt self diagnosing and that id researched it in depth 4 years actually and that she was making assumptions. horribly ableist towards ppl with cluster b disorders, this is a MASSIVE RED FLAG but i didnt switch therapists becuz i was still living with my parents at this point and i felt out of control in every aspect of my life 4 this reason, i didnt even see switching therapists as an option.

then in 2023, while i was homeless, i got evaulated by a psychiatrist. i discussed my bpd with him and finally got diagnosed. i told my therapist i was diagnosed with bpd and she said something like "well im not always gonna be able 2 catch everything" BUT I WAS TELLING U ABT MY BPD 4 MONTHS!!!!! so glad i dont have that therapist anymore but now i dont have one at all, so liek.. hrmmm >:c

im gonna end this by saying.. self diagnosis is valid!!! its so hard 2 get a bpd diagnosis becuz its so demonized and stigmatized, that even those in the mental health system r ableist towards the disorder and those who have it. diagnosis is not always an option with disorders like bpd, and thats so frustrating. its so hard 2 find help becuz every1 thinks ur crazy. but ur not crazy!!! i love all my fellow bpders, i know how agonizing and it is 2 live this tormented life. if u suspect u have bpd, the bpd community welcomes u and supports u!!! and i do 2 :3

[betaoctillery]

its really weird how queer communities on twitter have become more inclusive of queer identities than on tumblr? like im so glad the ones i involve myself in dont treat labels like fandoms or saying that certain identities can be "contradictory" while in the process erasing enormous chunks of the overall queer community. if theres one thing tumblr desperately needs to understand is that no one else gets to decide ur identity for u, ESPECIALLY if its bcus they dont understand how u actually identify or why.

since i know a lot of u are probably itching to know, yes im referring to bi lesbians. its no fucking coincidence that almost every single bi lesbian ive met have been a trans woman or nonbinary & yet its the identity that receives some of the nastiest backlash despite being an identity decades older than the average userbase on tumblr lmfao.

no, cis men arent pretending to be lesbians bcus of this label. they do that anyways bcus theyre lesbophobic. no, cis men are not going to think its okay to hit on lesbians bcus of this label. they do that anyways bcus theyre lesbophobic & biphobic to blame queer ppl for the queerphobia of cis men. full stop.

learn ur queer history guys im not fucking joking its really embarrassing watching you all parrot dog whistles from 80s political lesbian talking points ("lesbian means doesnt like men" is probably the one yall the say most until ur blue in the face, even though historically it had always meant "likes women" UNTIL political lesbian separatists started attacking, policing, and excluding members of the lesbian community that had always been a huge integral part of their community.) by redefining lesbian to mean "doesnt like men" they could use transphobia & biphobia to push out trans & bi women, as well as butches, all for having a "relationship to masculinity" (a huge reason why many butch lesbian bars disappeared around that time & immediately after). its why it will never be a equitable or historically accurate definition of lesbian. especially when lesbian is already an m-spec term, unless youre implying all nonbinary ppl can be lumped with all women, which i really shouldnt have to say is nby/transphobic as fuck.

please use critical thinking & stop attacking other queers who arent doing anything but identifying in a way that offends ur ignorant, bigoted sensitivities

also dont message me about this bcus its exhausting trying to talk to ppl who cant use google at all apparently. i cant tell yall the number of ppl who only try to "talk" to me about this so they can impose their (morally and historically wrong) opinions on me when i know for a fucking fact ive read & learned more about bi lesbianism from actual historical sources than they have, or are willing to (lavender woman comes to mind off the top of my head, & no, random carrds with unsourced info dont count as historical sources)

[sporesgalaxy]

philosophytube coming out as trans made me curious so i scrolled thru some old talkpost tags and apparently I realized I was some variety of nonbinary abt 5 years ago in late 2015 :) I was 16 at the time

I am now going to talk about my gender experiences bc I appreciate seeing others share their gender experiences so much. Hope this can help someone like me feel seen and affirmed the way these things make me feel.

I have memory issues so I couldnt tell you how long I had an inkling I might be before I decided, but I made it look like I googled some stuff, read the definition of bigender, and pretty much immediately changed the pronouns in my bio. I was very gung ho about it because I felt I finally had a word for an experience I'd been silently living my whole life. I dont vibe as much with that label anymore but I absolutely still identify my variety of nonbinary-ness as an equal mixture of masculinity and femininity.

I did a lot of agonizing behind the scenes-- though, memory issues again-- I very well might have publicly complained about it some, I was very stressed and desperate to feel seen and commiserated and accepted at 16. But I definitely agonized MORE than I admitted I did. For many of my teen years after finding out about nonbinary identities, I still felt like being A Girl was somehow inescapable. I had a silent, dark sense of certainty that I would always be percieved as a girl unless I did something drastic to my body, but I also knew I didn't want to do anything drastic to my body, so I was terrified that by process of elimination, that meant I was "stuck" being A Girl. I have always really liked masculine titles (mister, sir), but I would downplay this, downplay my pronoun preferences extending beyond she/her, downplay my desire to look gender nonconforming even when I was in complete control of my appearance via art. I don't look like that, I would tell myself, I look like A Girl, and I have to be honest about that.

I repeatedly made the conscious decision to play into being more feminine, more like A Girl in ways I didn't want to be, because despite knowing about and deeply connecting with Nonbinary experiences, I had this misplaced conviction about being "honest" and "realistic" about how *exclusively* feminine I felt I was doomed to be.

I am doing much better these days. I wear more form-fitting clothes, more shorts, more jewlery than I ever have before in my life. Not all the time, but far more often. And they don't make me feel like A Girl. I don't draw myself like A Girl because I don't want to.

Growing past being a teen makes it better. The physiology of the teen brain just naturally makes everything more excruciating. Continuing to be able to casually discuss being queer w my irl friendgroup makes a world difference, even back when i WAS still a teen. Maybe especially then. It's had a huge impact on me to have ppl who see me irl often for years and years who I can trust won't have a reductive view of my identity based on appearances & my being comfortable with she/her pronouns. Living with ppl I can trust like that rather than family I'm nervous to come out to has given me a lot of confidence as well.

Living long enough to see more queer people out existing in the world, online and irl, has also had a huge impact on my confidence and my comfort with myself and my identity. Living long enough to come to a better understanding of the ways I want to express my gender has been incredible! And I look forward to continuing to figure myself out and becoming an even happier more authentic version of myself in years to come. I love trans people and I love being trans :) anyways have a good one

[beaopalmoon]

lordy, what a busy week. i’m covering kim’s shifts so i’ll have some overtime hours.

this new manager managed to push another employee’s buttons to the point that they quit. they’re the only other non-cis employee, and she made a stink about refusing to call them by their preferred name, so after that, the GM told me today that she’s going to talk to her, and if she doesn’t promise to change how she talks to and about us, she’s got to go.

i’ve known that the GM was going to talk to her on wednesday. i had to go in the store earlier for unrelated reasons, and the GM approached me to talk about all this. i told her that i would like to come in before the end of her shift so that i can hear what the details are, and she asked if i would like to talk to this new manager with her. considering we’ve only spoken once, and it was all about the job, i said yes.

i’m very willing to try to talk reason in to someone that has a bigoted perspective if they’re at least willing to be civil, because i know that people like this only care about minority groups if someone in their social circle is of a particular demographic. that this lady wants to burn bridges immediately is concerning, but i would rather give her a chance to change before i demand that we not work on the same shifts or threaten to quit.

i’m not a confrontational person at all. i’m not one to immediately label someone that could be ignorant or ill informed an *ist or a *phobe until they’re presented with facts and continue to behave poorly.

my situation is an abnormal one too, but i hope that it gives this manager the perspective to better understand anyone that doesnt conform to cisgender expectations. because i’m intersex, i have physical and psychological sex ambiguity that has motivated me to pursue transitioning for my health and safety, and for some cis people, that makes sense, and has the possibility to open them up to the idea of not making assumptions about other trans ppl.

sooo tomorrow will be Interesting.

THAT SAID... there are a few coworkers i have that still slip up when referring to me. they nearly always correct themselves, and now that my voice has started dropping, its less frequent. i’m okay with that because they always call me Gregg, and though they knew my legal name, they have since forgotten it.

all the same, they’ve been extremely kind and supportive of me through this.

i had considered asking a few ppl that i got along with well what they thought about me and trans people in general, but i definitely dont have to worry about that now. if this manager has done one good thing, her bullshit has given me complete trust in the staff.

i even feel more comfortable talking to my parents about this now. they’ve been worried about me as i came out and started taking testosterone, but they have never been rude about it. now, because i’ve told them about this clown and how she’s negatively impacting people, i have had the chance to explain to them that i am no less their daughter, i’m just also their son too.

they never made me feel like i couldn’t do what i wanted to because of my sex, i was allowed to express myself however i wanted as i grew up, but my mom was concerned that she would be made to feel bad if she talked about how or who i was when i was a child by upsetting me with the name or pronouns i used to have.

i got to reassure her that i’m still her child. telling her that if anything, i would compare my feelings on my gender to how the native americans had two-spirit people. because of her heritage, she seemed most comforted by that idea, and otherwise lamented that it was a shame that i felt that i have to present strictly as a man to feel safe, and not just be allowed to exist as i naturally am. i completely agree! i think anyone that may relate to me should not be harassed and shoe-horned in to one presentation or the other!

however, i do still take testosterone for my health, because estrogen/progesterone actively make me feel ill and i do need some manner of hormone supplement in order to function. so the longer i am on this medication, the more i will appear and present as masculine.

it’s been a huge relief to be able to say all this to my parents and have them not feel as much like i’m pressuring them to get me. instead they feel like i’m giving context to why this issue at work is taking more of my free time, and that i am fully comfortable talking about what’s on my mind and what’s going on in my life with them.

AND i have therapy and an appointment with my gender health specialist next week, so there’s gonna be SO MUCH to talk about!!

[viktorfm]

(MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL, NONBINARY) - Have you seen VIKTOR SAMUELS? VIKTOR is in HIS/THEIR SENIOR year. The VISUAL ARTS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say HE/THEY are OBSERVANT, INGENIOUS, RETICENT and DEPENDENT. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID. I heard from the gossip blog that THEY'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THEIR THERAPIST. (JAMES. 21. EST. THEY/THEM.)

dont. look at me. i know. anyways if it wasnt obvs i abandoned cupid (n darrow) in order 2 bring the two ocs tht he ws inspired by n ws a combination of bt. theyre better as different ppl methinks.

DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS TW

aesthetic.

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts, graveyards and half-empty wine bottles, sitting there for hours and talking to nothing, about nothing, a god complex, gold rings adorning both hands, barbwire baseball bats, having never played baseball in your life, deep eyebags and broken mirrors, a permanent chip on one’s shoulder, yearning, longing, wishing.

basics.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - january 2nd, 1996

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: preaker, vermont

sexuality: pansexual uwu

pinterest

stats

favorite song: disorder, joy division / it’s getting faster, moving faster / now it’s getting out of hand / on the tenth floor, down the back stairs / it’s a no man’s land / lights are flashing, cars are crashing / getting frequent now / i’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling / let it out somehow

background.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in preaker, vermont - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang.

was an awkward, quiet kid growing up, he didn’t interact well with others and preferred being left alone to dig up worms and draw on the walls of their childhood home. the only exception was his twin, really.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like … sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid … not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine.

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

being twins with tatiana was hard. they were near opposite besides both being quite mean-spirited. tatiana handled being in public better, left a better image behind - but viktor had talent, more than she did. they loved each other deeply - y’know, those unbreakable twin bonds as cliche as it sounds - but found each other as competition for their parents’ attention. a rivalry for affection.

in high school is when viktor really started to act out. it started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service & almost had an exorcism performed on him.

his only redeemable trait was like … just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3d art ap course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because he was the problem child, the one who deserved to be disciplined for all his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with whatever she wanted much easier. on the bright-side, for her, i guess.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to yates but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

he’s actually pretty smart but he just doesn’t apply himself. has a minor in english because he didn’t care for an extra course-load, but he’s good at writing & analyzing literature. is going to use it to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s. not for the kids, but because he likes to leave a trail of terror in whatever he does.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just … not to his parents, who don’t really need to know.

if you asked him if he believed in twins having a psychic connection with each other - he’d tell you he wouldn’t know. it felt believable at times, but sometimes he had no idea what was going on inside of tatiana’as head. on the other hand - viktor had always felt oddly transparent to her, like she knew all of his moves before he did. the only person who could predict him accurately.

( tw death, grief, overdose / hospitalization beyond this point )

when tatiana disappeared, viktor knew something was up. it was a twist in his gut, pure instinct that something wasn’t right. and it wasn’t right - and when she was proclaimed missing, they couldn’t find her.

and when tatiana died - viktor knew. it felt wrong, something cut so severely in him he could pinpoint her death to the second. he didn’t know how, or why, but he knew it. knew it before anybody else had.

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point.

his mental health had also sunk to an all-time low, when it’d never been great to begin with. (manic & depressive episodes. once fixated on a sculpting project for six months and then knocked it off the table and destroyed it as soon as he finished it for no apparent reason.)

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was … viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to yates to finish his senior year because … for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

personality & facts.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears … that’s them!

a big horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies & probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than they should because they just … love those black & white vertical-striped pants.

can appreciate the ~urban legends~ at yates and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just … a jerk.

fashion alternates between e-boy (they would be tiktok famous if they were 17 & didn’t think that a majorly minor based app was weird.), millennial beetlejuice, and goth in a crop top & sweatpants. big fan of crop tops and a big fan of sweatpants.

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like … sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s … a lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it.

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

pansexual & nonbinary, switches between he & they pronouns often and without a pattern, but they have such a fragile grip on their identity that you could call them ‘dog-faced bitch’ and they’d turn around like. sup.

vastly impulsive … like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all their money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

they’re very super dramatic. would play the organ at church when nobody was looking after them and service was about to start. would just churn out these super haunting, creepy melodies like they were phantom of the opera. would do the same exact thing at home on their keyboard with the pipe organ setting whenever they got grounded until their parents took it away hbdsjfngkh

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe … yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

that being said they’re absolutely not over tatiana’s death & it’s to the point of obsession over it. like there’s some kind of secret that needs to be uncovered, even though there just. isn’t. tatiana was their rock and they were pretty much dependent on her. kept them grounded. could control them when nobody else could, got into their head easier than others. it’s sort of like rosa lost two siblings that day because viktor hasn’t been the same since.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

will tell you straight up what they want from you, no bullshit & no beating around the bush. just blunt. if they want to fuck, nothing else, then that’s it. if they feel deviation or developing feelings then they’ll ghost in less than a second. is awful like that but feels no shame.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time … also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not … with their body or anything because they’re a twig but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

i don’t know if there’s a good to them somewhere deep down, but they don’t see any issues with themself either. nothing really breaks through to them anymore because the only person who ever made them stop and think about their actions was tatiana, and well, y’know. :/

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like … partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

religious trauma? oh worm ;; three cheers fr <3 guilt <3 anyways uh. just people tht viktor hs known thru the church in some way even tho hes a fkn. freak now. maybe even family friends. 

the horror of our love :/ ;; hmm. any romance tht cld b toxic i think this cld fit. just rly a bad fit. viktor doesnt rly know hw to love so nothing rly lasts bt. maybe they try n try n nothing works bt they keep trying. cld also just be anything unrequited.

little fkn gremlins ;; theyre all evil n mean. bt theyre all friends. <3 

you are nothing ;; uuh. enemy plots. spicy enemies. rly bad enemies. rivals. they r brutal towards each other bcos nothing viktor does is ever soft.

fuck u dont pity me ;; uh. people who try to get close to viktor n he just. bites at them. he’s like no. bc he assumes ppl who r kind in response 2 his vileness r. theres smth wrong w them. n it might hv to do with pity. n he hates pity.

ugh. locals x ;; ppl who also grew up around preaker, vermont. the samuels r <3 well known folks n the uh. hm. the murder is an ongoing case. so they cld know abt it <3

dont tell anybody x ;; this is for soft plots. i dont know much about soft plots but. 

maybe i am part of the problem ;; the problem is chlamydiagate. this is a hook-ups connection. fwbs n one night stands. ppl viktor hs brutally ghosted. he doesnt acknowledge their existence outside of these events, perhaps. 

dont u just wna go apeshit ;; this is where viktor becomes a bad influence.

bt uh. anything. pelase

[shytiff]

Apr 2021 Wins

Started typing this on 4th apr lmaooo

1 - went to mcd. bought chicken + rice with the app promo. there’s a staff helping me on the order machine lol i feel badd there’s no need to do thatt. ate my lunchmade by mom at mcd’s muschola and went to sbux bcs its tumbler day. green tea latte w skim milk as usual. sent dr triya’s translation. ecmocard. started rereading goong (AGAIN. i probably have read it like 3 times minimum). still bring some feels

2 - its holiday today. spent almost the whole daylight rereading goong (turns out its pronounce ‘gung’ not ‘gong’ lol ive been wrong all this time) and finished it. the scene where they stare at each other, separated by the castle door, always gets me. got the old ipad charged (the screen are like 30% close to detaching and falling apart) and started AOT

3 - spent the whole day reading AOT. i like it when i have mini purposes in life (eg: finishing a manga series). AOT rly talks a lot about what do you want to do in life, the consequences of your choices and how you have to live with it. i felt triggered in a good way. the characters dont rly judge other’s choices, but they question them. discuss about it. give you some moral push. second gladi today. my vbg was still filpped hhhh. read aot until i felt sleepy and fell asleep. woke up very near subuh and prayed isya. my toxic trait is the horrible self care (and im talking bare minimum lol hehe lmao)

4 - finished aot. Asked irun about some aot explanations and she sent 5 paragraphs in one bubble. Slept. Flavola, kopsus coklat and somay. Also ate japota honey butter. Did 1 long input of ecmocard. Followed baepsae choreo. Moved my body a bit. Wow im not immediately sleeping. Amazing

5 - arrived at harkit 11-ish and went back about 1pm loll. super hungry when im arriving in kalideres. bought tahu colek worth 3000 (i wonder how the seller hears me through my 2 layers of mask), roti sisir and some ice cream in alfamidi. my fitlife protein powder ran out again. its my 2nd already. did some ecmocard, wasted my time after maghrib

6 - woke up late. did not have the mental strength to go to harkit so i decided to just stay home. bought sbux 1L green tea and macchiato. wasted the daylight and finally did some ecmocard in the evening,,,,

7 - off to harkit 7.30-ish pm in the rain. Took some data for ecmocard. Went to salemba to get tabung and surat bebas pustaka. Had breakfast slash lunch first, tried guudfuud (red rice, beef and omega egg). I like that the rice was not too much. Met up w ness ren and talked about isip dilemmas at sky. Afterwards went to flavola. Ordered mie rebus and roasted milk tea cause i somehow feel sooo hungry and in need of calories. It tasted so good, i was sitting in my usual seat facing the window, and the sky was a mixture of blue and grey. Brought croissant and sakura pocky at indomart. Ate the bread immediately after indomie. Went back home. Juan brought tahu gejrot that was delicious and crunchy. Internship files briefing by akis. Fell asleep

8 - woke up. Saw that dr retha was up for interview. Panicked. Thankfully it was at 12. I left home at 9:40 ish and arrived 11:50. Its a long ass way. Turns out i was interviewed with ka agassi. The doctors are so kind. They explained the gist of anesthesiology profession, and how its a choice you make, and its okay as long as you like what you do. Tried halo bowl for lunch. Sous vide chicken, rice, caesar sauce, beef bacon, and the deliciouss butter broccoli. Went back to kalideres and to starbucks. I only spent <2 hrs in there (a waste of money, i know). Bought decaf hazelnut latte (apparently the beans were kenyan something? Medium?) and butter croissant (need to cushion my stomach). Did GCP certification and sent it to the ever so kind mba Ai. Still got energy from the caffeine, did some ecmocard, read quran, read.... Toji fanfic 🤦‍♀️

9 - went to rsf w mom. We took the wrong way and had to take the long way but thank god theres still time to spare. Met dr rara. Some briefing. Went to rscm w agassi, submitted files for ijazah, went back to RSF. Girlll the cost of transport. MRT: 12K. Grab: 16-17k. Thats one way trip. Bought food at rsf canteen. Eocru briefing by the research coordinator. Ward tour w dr retha. Snacked on ovaltine provided by mba ai. Went home after maghrib by tj. Liqo along the way. Glad bersih (came late). Drank macchiato for some strength but still fell asleep quickly.i shouldnt have laid down

10 - kebakaran jenggot in the morning due to green screen positioning. Finally got the appropriate setup (after many fabric tries and cutting my mukena) at 08:30. Finished showering 08:45. Zoom was opened at 9 lmao. Somehow finished before 09:30. Zoompah w mom and dad along side me. After its ovee, some "photoshoot" w fam. At this point i was truly rly sleepy. Took of my makeup. Changed my clothes. And then racil silv dev showed up lol. I got gifts c: and then atikah came. And then i redid my makeup, this time with the help of friends to create fantastic eye make up look (which i can never pull off). Eyebrows by sil, eyeshadow and liner by cheldev lol. Took some photos. Dajen came. Talked. Videocalled w pupuy. A surprise gift from fianti came. And then chel dajen went back at 8. Still cant sleep. Slept at like 11-12

11 - lazed. Woke up, ate pizza (mom bought 2 of phd's 1m pizza) and bakwan, slept again. Matcha latte and ecmocard. Watched a bit of 2nd sinau

12 - off to rsf at 06:20. Arrived 07:15 ish. Lunch was ayam penyet accompanied by snacks that mba ai bought. Off to harkit at 14:05 (bcs my laptop somehow shut down and i lost all the unsubmitted data). And then off to kalideres at 15:30 ish to meet up w clara and search for clothes for almira's wedding. Went to lippo bcs clar saw this dress that kinda looks like the brokat given. We ate at ramen ya. It doesnt rly make you feel full, the filliny sensation was kinda like indomie. Saw that the dress looked different. Ate 1 boba pancake together at banban. Continued on to the tailor in kebon jeruk. The location was in an alley, and it was raining lol. Quoting clara: "the unnecessary struggles". The tailor was quite helpful (and she looks experienced). Arrived at clara's at 8 ish. Picked up by mom with car (it was raining) and arrived at abt 9. Hurriedly showered and tarawih and tidied up AND ITS ONLY 09:45. Its crazy how efficient one use time (and at the same time, how wasteful one can be)

13 - first day of fasting. The morning was spent taking samples. I stupidly took a sample thats not yet labeled im sorry :(((( i felt kinda tired and wanted to give up this. Give up anesthesia. Went back home at 14:00 and its cloudy. The bus was the nicer types and it was COLD. Read quran along the way. Picked up by juan. Opened laptop. And then its iftar time. I was sooo sleey and the tarawih was so long thst i closed my eyes along the way. Fianti called after tarawih, we talked til abt 21:30. And then i fell asleep

14 - went to rscm. Submitted serkom files. Met dr dyah and i hope we could somehow meet her again if we study in fkui again aamiin. Went to rsf by mrt. Arrived in lebak bulus just before it was raining. The bus took a while to arrive (usually theyre there, waiting). Its still raining like crazy so i took grabcar to AR from pesakih (39k). Played with my phone til iftar. Played phone again after tarawih and fell asleep

15 - i felt rlyy lazy and cant bring myself to wake up. Off to rsf at 07:15. There were coordinator ppl. Took sample. It was raining when i went back but i took grabbike from kalideres. Wasted my time and did not do ecmocard

16 - sampling. Snacked on keripik pisang at the room. Went back early at 13:15 ish. Picked up by juan. Sleeeept (and this is before the nightmareish mistake began)

17 - i did a mistake by telling dr retha (who took the sample today) the wrong patient (it switched in my unreliable memory. I feel terrible. Thank god shes quite chill abt it (?). Read jujutsu kaiseeen. Went to flavola. Did 1 ecmocard. Went to bandar jakarta baywalk by motorbike. Spent 135k and was quite full with many varieties. Arrived home at about 20:50. Turns out juan also had bukber with his friends. Phone call with fiiii, talked abt dimrob

18 - lazed all day, read jjk, finished my part of ecmocard (gave genky to ekal cause i was a dumbass at getting data). Ate mom's mentai rice, siomay. Drank green tea latte. Read jjk til 145 (mentok) at night. Proceeds to consume all things jjk lmaoo

19 - we took sooo long to get samples. Finished at 13:00. Went to rm with dr rara. Went back home. Watched the third sinau. Read the IMMACULATE jjk fics by celestialmechanics im IN LOVEEEE with the way s/he writes ughhhh

20 - samples took faster than usual. Mba ai did not came today. Went to RM and did some work there. Off to AR by 15:00. Arrived close to maghrib. Did not do any work afterwards lmao. Did not even wash my face

21 - magang as usual. Note to self: sit on the right side of the bus. Did nothing yesterday. Felt like shit after tarawih (but i showered before maghrib!!)

22 - todays problem was the swab sample not being there even though the staff allegedly already took it. Huft. Took a shower and out on vitacid (i cant remember the kast time i put on vitacid 😳 its probably been... a week or two?

23 - samples finished quite quickly. Already going home at 12. Lazedddd and lazed and lazed. Waited for emir to pick me up so i went to dm. Read an immaculate itadori x megumi fix thats just full of feels. Started demon slayer lets see

24 - literally just laid in bed reading manga and seeing tiktok and slept again and suddenly its 1 am. Showered. Still in a lazy mode. Havent begun clires work. Watched leah's vlog that said "go do things youve been putting off!". Finally finished the third and last video of Sinau Yuk ICU class with dr. Zeta, SpAn lolll even though the actual last class was on 7th apr. iftar was fish and chips and salad yuum

25 - woke up at like 1am since i slept too much yesterday. Ate tan ek tjoan bread and drank sbux matcha latte. Did some intern work. Read a bit of quran. Sahur. Cant even sleep again so i showered. Off with mom and dad (09:30) since dad’s going to get vaccinated at skk migas. Mom drove me to ara’s place (11:00). Talked a bit and even read quran again there. Off to GI (13:00) to meet up w regen. Walked around. Bought a discounted TBS green tea facial wash. Went back home by TJ (16:00). the bus station is a bit closer now. Arrived home close to maghrib (17:30). hurriedly showered and went to sleep (properly) after tarawih. A good good sleep since i got 9400 steps today and that tired me out lmaooo (bare minimum yall, i know). 

26 - woke up still sleepy. Slept again after iftar and woke up at 07:30. Skipped shower and off to RSF lmao. Went to medical record. Walked to the front of RSF originally planning to go to lebak bulus by angkot but i saw none. So i went through mrt instead. Stopped by at kebon jeruk and walked 800 meter (that tireeed me and made me feel parched under the sun) to risma busana for clothes fitting. Took gojek to jembatan gantung (turns out the closer halte to flyover was taman kota). Iftar was chicken noodle and risol and banana and i felt fullll and i slept

27 - today is off day since im alternating with agassi. read quran. watched shadow and bone (with 1,5x speed except for kanej and matthias nina scenes). didnt rly do any magang work except the table asked by dr retha. i feel like usually im operating on 70%. sleeping more doesnt rly add that. i need caffeine or physical activity. before i know it, its close to iftar.

28 - i ((felt)) like i had a decent amount of energy today. shouldve done some work between sahur and leaving the house but i ended up reading vampire knight lmaoooo the scenes had no business bringing so much butterflies. sampling together w agassi. mba ai didnt come in today. after agassi left did some magang work. i also went to RM to ask for more RM to bu dian. took angkot to lebak bulus for the first time. paid 5k. i had no idea which angkot went to lebak bulus and the driver (somehow knowing the right words to say) said “lebak bulus lebak bulus”. didnt read much quran on the way back. i just close my eyes and relaxed. felt kinda low on sugar. watched more shadow and bone on the way back and at home until close to iftar. didnt do anything after tarawih. slept hoping i woke up early (which i did, at 3am. but i slept again)

29 - im supposed to have ample energy but i just stuck around my bed until its time to get ready to go. read some kanej fic lol. I dont rly do anything productive after arriving home

30 - made intern log, magang as usual. Did not go to rm. Finished watching shadow and bone. Rested bcs tomorrow's saturdayyy

[nonbinaryresource]

ive been thinking abt this for a little while & have been needing to ask someone abt it. i am nb & have always considered myself trans but recently ive not been vibing with the trans label bc i am so sick of seeing ppl exclude & invalidate nb ppl. ik that i shouldnt stop doing smth just bc other ppl r being assholes but its so tiring to see ppl constantly say how u dont belong or arent valid. srry this is long & kinda rambly i just dont really know how to feel abt it

I will directly address your ask, but I’m going to start by telling you a story about my journey with identifying as asexual and queer.

.

When I was about 11, my friends suddenly started drooling over magazines and calling people hot, and I didn’t know what it was, but I knew I did not feel whatever it is my friends were feeling.

Until I was about 16/17, this part of me remained a mystery to me and to my friends. I never had crushes, I never found people hot, I never liked complimenting people physically, I was uncomfortable with sex on TV, and I didn’t even like platonic touch. Now my group of friends were all repressed and closeted queer folk, so I didn’t have to deal with “being left behind” as my friends dated. But the later we got into high school, the more my friends began discovering and exploring their sexualities.  A freshman became a part of our friend group and was openly trans and gay. One friend came out as gay. Another as bi. They started commenting more and more about other’s looks and having crushes.

Still, there was nothing on my end. My friends used to think I was just being vague and secretive because this is what I tended to be like. I don’t think they’ve ever realized how much of it was that I truly didn’t know or understand what my lack of sexual feelings meant or that it could even mean anything. I used to just consider it a “nothingness” of myself. Until, by complete chance, I came across the term asexual. I immediately connected with it. It explained so much that I didn’t even know I needed explained.

I came out quickly after that and I was really excited and happy and proud to know who I was and what how I felt meant. My friends were great and supportive. My mom was a little ignorant but overall supportive. AVEN was great and a community for me. But if I tried to talk about it anywhere else online…

Well, the effects of how people treated me would fester for years. See, I came out as asexual before exclusionism (the specific movement of anti-aro and anti-ace erasure and gatekeeping from lgbt+ spaces) was a movement or a named thing. Yet exclusionist attitudes were exactly what I faced. My queer friends all completely accepted me as one of them and I helped co-run our school’s new GSA with the rest of them. But online, as a teen, I was facing 30+ year olds telling me I wasn’t queer and that I was just trying to seem special and that I needed to shut up about my asexuality and my experiences and that I wasn’t valid and that asexuality wasn’t a real thing and that even if asexuality was a real thing it wasn’t valid and it certainly didn’t matter.

I graduated high school and went to college and was no longer really in touch with my group of friends. I therefore completely cut myself off from any lgbt+/queer community, even though a friend invited me to join the college’s queer association. I stopped participating so much in online asexual spaces. I become wrapped up in other things.

A couple of years went by and a lot of things in my life changed. By chance, mod applications for a blog about aro and ace headcanons for a fandom I enjoyed came across my dash. I had extra time on my hands and thought I could help, so I applied and was accepted. This increased my exposure to the aspec community again and thrust me back in… just around the time exclusionism was becoming a specific and named movement of bigotry.

At the same time I resisted these ideals, I was also still hurt and unhealed from what I’d gone through as a teen. I internalized a lot of the hatred and gatekeeping. I was so hurt and so tired. I just wanted to be able to exist in peace. And people I considered myself one of were harassing me and dismissing even my biromanticism. So I struggled with my identity and my asexuality. I did not specifically become an exclusionist, but I turned my back on the lgbt+ community and spaces. I did not consider myself lgbt+ because I learned that doing so only brought pain and upset and made me feel alone and isolated. I didn’t speak a lot on exclusionism or inclusionism, but at some point I did make a plea to my fellow aspecs to just let the larger community go and be our own community and accept that maybe we could be straight. I did it out of desperation and hurt, wanting to stop feeling targeted and attacked and to stop seeing the fighting on my dash and in the tags. I just wanted us all to be happy and feel accepted and supported.

On that post, one wonderfully kind and patient person opened up a discussion with me, explaining their own hurts over exclusionism and being so damn exhausted of them and fellow aspecs being targeted and excluded and written out and not supported and feeling like they had to split their asexuality from their other queer identities and how being asexual was a part of them and how it had strongly shaped their experiences, especially with realizing and coming to terms with the other parts of their queer identity. And through their raw honesty I came to realize… I had never stopped to process the harassment I had faced and the pain and hurt that cut me so deeply.

It was a changing point for me. I realized that I had handled my pain in a bad way and had ended up lashing out at other aspecs instead of the people who were actually hurting me. I realized how much I had hurt myself and held myself back and cut myself down and dismissed parts of myself trying to fit into the box exclusionists had laid out for me, as if I could ever made them happy enough to stop harassing me and just let me exist. I cut myself down for them, but the truth is that exclusionists don’t just want aspecs “out” of the community. They want to hurt us. They want us to hurt. They want us to doubt ourselves. They want to feel strong and powerful, and they feel they can achieve this through bullying us. Perhaps some, like myself, are trying to appeal to their oppressors by pointing out another vulnerable group they could target more/instead. They are passing on hurt instead of standing up to it and so they are actually festering in hurt instead of changing anything.

Today, I am a staunch inclusionist. I understand myself and the issues aspecs face much better. I am a more compassionate person regarding the confusion and upset aros and aces have over their identity and their place in the world. I feel more stable and confident regarding my identity as an asexual - and now as an aromantic - queer person who is lgbt+.

But it was a long, hard, difficult journey to get here. It was full of a lot of turmoil. I wish I would have had a happier journey where I felt more supported and accepted, and I hope I can help provide more stability and support for future generations to not have to go through what I did.

.

My point (or one among a few, anyway) is that I deeply and personally understand how you are feeling and the decision facing you now. As someone who went through a very similar experience, my advice to you is to take care of yourself and to prioritize your mental health.

It’s okay if you can’t handle identifying as trans right now. Maybe you do need some space from the label (and definitely from the hatred and gatekeeping). Maybe you need to pull back from certain communities or blogs or discussions.

However, I will say that not identifying as trans may not bring the peace you desire. It may end up making you feel even more isolated. Not identifying as LGBT+ certainly didn’t help me. It was reactionary and it only made me feel like there were less spaces for me. That said, you may find peace in this. But I think the bigger action to take is to separate yourself from those who are saying harmful things more than to separate yourself from a label you feel really suits you. Use your block button liberally. Don’t force yourself to partake in spaces where gatekeeping is allowed or encouraged. Follow and listen to more people who are inclusive.

I think burnout like this is unfortunately pretty common. You do not have to force yourself to face this hatred or exhaustion because you think it’s the right thing to do. It’s okay to pull back and just take care of yourself. Just work on some self-care. Work on building up a community of people around you who don’t resort to bigotry and hatred and exorsexism and gatekeeping and identity policing. Engage only with what you can actually, honestly handle.

We will confront and move past this bigotry only by acting as a united front. The responsibility for improving things isn’t on any one person’s shoulders. And no one needs to be on the front lines 100% of the time, especially at the cost of their own wellbeing. Take care of yourself and rest now before you completely burn out and break down.

You do not have anything to prove, okay? I have both hope and faith that there is a lot more to your journey - a lot more good things and a lot more happiness and belonging. Take whatever time it is you need to help heal yourself and recover from the hurt and harassment that’s been plaguing you. You are important and you matter, much moreso than whatever label you use at whatever point in time. It will be okay.

I am here for you.

~Pluto

[uhpeach]

oof personal rant about boy and relationship shit below the cut it’s way too long sorry

finally had a talk with boy last night... it started bc they are having a stoplight theme party tn where you wear green if ur single, yellow if it’s complicated, and red if ur taken and he was like “so what color are u thinking of wearing”... and i was like “green i guess bc im single”. but i said it as a joke.... and he was like... “oh well i was thinking yellow”. and i was like “ya me too i guess”... and he was like “ya idk i think most people will either be red or green so we’ll be some of the few yellow ppl which is kinda fun”. and i was like “ok. ya whatever cool”. and he was like “but i’ll wear whatever u want like if u want me to wear red i will”. and i was like “no. no pressure. yellow makes sense.” but then i was making sad girl face i guess and he was like “nooo stop with that face. you’re thinking about something what’s wrong” and then we like went innnnnn with like a convo about “us” or whatever the fuck.

anyways like the things he’s worried about when considering making us official is that he:

1. says he is an extremely jealous and controlling boyfriend? and he does not like who he is as a boyfriend so if he isnt technically a “boyfriend” he has no reason to get that way/can stop himself from being like that. which i like.... dont see at all. and like maybe he had a reason to be like that with his ex but honestly i dont do much or like get hit on so i see it as a non-issue honestly? like im too into him to like even need to be “controlled” like i genuinely want to do whatever he wants bc i just want to see him happy ? but then he said that when he sees me happy it makes him happy and when i keep crying like i have been it makes him really sad and scared that our relationship would be built on a bad foundation. and i see it as the opposite like in spite of what he has done and how he’s hurt me we’ve gotten past it and grown to know each other better and like each other a lot and im still here spending time with him so like idk we think about these things very differently i guess. 

2. he was thinking like soooo far in the future for some reason like... when i met him he was pursuing a finance degree in the business school but he like decided music was something he was really passionate about last year and since then he’s been like learning how to use like music production software and how to play piano since then. so he was saying like he doesn’t want me to see him as like a jobless bum loser when i could be with a guy has a secure upwardly mobile job making 60-70k right out of college while he’s like.... working as a DJ and practicing like music production stuff. and i was like..... what r u talking about like i don’t need you to support me? and if ur worried about how i’ll see you like i just want to see you happy i would rather see that than someone complaining about how much they hate their job and life every day bc like.... idk when you l*ve someone all you really want is to see them happy. and then i told him how i have bragged about him to people who like wish they could change majors about how he’s actually doing something he’s interested in rather than sticking with business school which he hatesss. 

(he started crying sometime during point two into point three)

3. he was worried about not being able to give me the level of attention ur supposed to give someone ur dating. like he was saying how he practices his music stuff in his free time but like when ur dating someone ur supposed to spend like all ur free time with them but i’ll have to like share that time with his music and he like doesn’t want me to feel like he has no time for me? but i was like dude i dont need you actively paying attention when we’re together like the other night i was doing my homework in his room while he practicing and i was just so stoked to be in the room with him even though we were doing our own things. and also like the people in relationships who spend allll their time with their significant others are people i get SO ANNOYED BY i was like dude... i dont want to be like any of those couples like of course i want to spend as much time as possible with you but i have other “relationships” i need to maintain that im not just gonna drop like some of my other couple friends have. like my friendships are super important to me, probably bc i have never been in a relationship so i like really do love and put a lot of focus on my friends, so if he needs time for his music and did need some private time to focus i would just spend that time maintaining my friendships because i love and want to spend time with them too? like it’s not that deep and i’ve been alone for so long im used to it.....

i think there was more but anyway he was thinking SO FAR AHEAD and asking me like what i want to do and where i want to go after graduation and im like ????? i .. dont know ??? omg ???? what does this have to do with like dating right now like are u never gonna date anyone again until ur ready to date them until marriage im ? confused? i.. legitimately was NOT thinking this far ahead ? but then he kept bringing up how like feelings fade and he like want to make sure his college friends are lifelong friends and how a breakup would make it so that’s a more difficult thing for us to be and im like i get it ? i have brought up that point to so many people like it used to be that i cared more about having him in my life forever like at least as a friend just bc i like him so much but now it’s harder to be like that bc i like him SO SO much like... idk imagining never having been official a few years down the road and just being that girl he had a “thing” with in college. bc that’s not what i want to be to him. like if we do stop liking each other i dont want to have to meet his future girlfriend or fucking wife and be like hi im olivia.. his friend from college. like just calling what we have “friendship” hurts so bad and if i had to look at someone he like loves in the future and call myself just a friend from college that would fucking kill me. like at least if we were exes i would be like hey im his friend-ex-then friend again from college. ya haha things didnt work out but i’ll always care about this guy ur lucky to have him. ya know. there’s a difference.

and all the things i was concerned about were suchhhh immediate issues like... im only not satisfied by the relationship status of like being a “thing” bc i want to actually be taken on dates..  and have someone who would be happy to like bring me coffee if im having a rough day (and like so it wouldnt be weird if i did little things like that too) and so we could like go on a trip together or like as it stands it would be weird for me to like bring him home for a few days and be like “hello family this is my good friend :) we are going to share a bed bc we are... friends :)” like you cant tell ur family about ur “thing” bc like o ur really good friends that care a lot about each other and have sex but ur not dating... like that gives parents too much to think about it’s gross.... and it would be weird for him to bring me to like his hometown to meet his friends and what not bc we are just like ... a thing? and i WANT to do that stuff like it would mean so much to me. but like you only do that with ppl ur dating and i want to be with someone who can like share their life with me and i can share mine with them if that makes sense. also u know what i think it’s fair of me to want to be able to call someone my boyfriend like. that is a word i have never gotten to use and when i like hear it in movies and tv shows and even when friends say it i feel like im being fucking stabbed. like i have never gotten to be a girlfriend and i feel like people see me as less of a person because of that, especially being in my 20s now. idk just like societal pressures are getting to me i hate being a sociology major im like super analyzing like the roles i am “supposed” to take to live up to what it is to be a woman in our society. like i have been a daughter, a friend, a coworker, a sister but i have never been a girlfriend and that is something i feel like an innate internalized NEED to experience idk like it’s just beat into you by media and peers and parents from when ur like a kid until you actually do fulfill the prescribed gender based roles... like if i am not a wife or a mother in my life i might fucking kill myself like ik roles and labels are meaningless but i NEED THEM to like give me identity and security. anyways. uh that was a lot. if u read all this and i don’t sound insane lmk!

[lemon-sugarcoats-nothing]

who/what made you start questioning?

My best friend at the time made me gay.

how old were you when you started questioning?

12-13 lol

what other labels have you used other than your current ones?

Bisexual and genderfluid lol

tell the story of the first time you came out

As not straight: accidentally slipped up when talking to my older brother about how someone agreed to be my valentine and said "she" instead of "he" or "they" lol he ended up teasing a bit and my mom walked in on me crying, asked what was wrong and my brother just said "[they] can tell you" over and over. So i ended up coming out lol

As nb: My mom straight up just asked "are you genderfluid" and i jumped on the gun without thinking saying "how'd you know?", then had to correct myself.

tell the story of the funniest reaction to you coming out

My younger brothers standing there while i was telling my mom about my girl crush being like "Oh yeah we already knew this lmao"

tell the story of the best reaction to you coming out

That would have to be who is my current girlfriend: She was very sweet and supportive of me being nb and immediately asked about new pronouns and name, and has only slipped up once or twice in the year-two years she's known <33 And both of those times was when we were on call (i have a feminine voice, so its understandable)

was there a queer artist/show/book/movie that you listened to constantly when you were in the closet?

I was never really in the closet lol

ever called out/stood up to a homophobe?

Lmao yep

favorite queer celebrity?

Cavetown!

favorite queer character?

Victor (very gay/ aggressively bi), yuri on ice

Alchemy (nonbinary), ABD Illustrate's Heartless story concept.

Shade (very bisexual), Lucious (pansexual), my characters

Jack (bisexual), Sanosuke (bisexual), my best friend's characters

have a childhood crush that you didn’t realize was a crush until later in life?

Not that I can think of right now.

if you had to do a gay lip sync dance performance, what song would it be to and what would your outfit be

I have no idea, but it'd be fabulous. >:)

favorite gay music video?

I dunno tbh!

"how did they not realize i was gay" moments?

I have always liked sitting on tables, counters and odd areas in general.

gayest photo of you?

Literally all of them

happiest pride memory?

I dont really have any special pride memories lol

talk about your first pride!

P average month tbhh

fit any stereotypes about your sexuality?

I dont know of many for my sexuality specifically, but pan/bi/gay stereotypes I fit:

-Not being able to sit in a chair properly.

-Denim and cuffed jeans (is this more of a bi thing? idk)

-Finding a lot of ppl i meet attractive.

and theres one more but im not comfortable sharing that lol

FILL IN THE BLANK: if the heteros find out we can _______, they’re going to tell the church!

commit arson on anyone who decides to not let us live our lives

describe your type in a haiku

I can love anyone.

Men, women, between, outside,

So long as you're kind.

(aka my type is everywhere)

describe your coming out experience in a haiku

Uneventful though.

Nothing really happened so

I'm not going to.

make an acrostic poem out of a label you use (sexuality, gender, pronouns, etc)

P lease don't:

A sk me if I think pans are sexy.

N o, don't ask me if I think you're hot.

S ometimes I'd like to keep my opinions to myself.

E specially if my answer is a strict Yes or No.

X is for no, I don't find animals or children attractive,

U 're sick and perverted for thinking I might.

A nd to those folks who don't ask these questions, I

L ove ya for NOT BEIG A D I C K <3

gay ask game!!

who/what made you start questioning?

how old were you when you started questioning?

what other labels have you used other than your current ones?

tell the story of the first time you came out

tell the story of the funniest reaction to you coming out

tell the story of the best reaction to you coming out

was there a queer artist/show/book/movie that you listened to constantly when you were in the closet?

ever called out/stood up to a homophobe?

favorite queer celebrity?

favorite queer character?

have a childhood crush that you didn’t realize was a crush until later in life?

if you had to do a gay lip sync dance performance, what song would it be to and what would your outfit be

favorite gay music video?

"how did they not realize i was gay" moments?

gayest photo of you?

happiest pride memory?

talk about your first pride!

fit any stereotypes about your sexuality?

FILL IN THE BLANK: if the heteros find out we can _______, they’re going to tell the church!

describe your type in a haiku

describe your coming out experience in a haiku

make an acrostic poem out of a label you use (sexuality, gender, pronouns, etc)

[kendrixtermina]

I'm growing irritated with people saying the concept of Rhea is antisemitic because, uh, if people see a shapeshifting lizard/dragon lady who is (at least to some extent) the shadow ruler of the continent and think "oh, must be a metaphor for Jews"... maybe the problem is with them? Like, I always thought the Church of Seiros was meant to be the medieval Catholic Church, if we absolutely must make comparisons to real life. Even their past persecution fits with that.

I’m not Jewish so I’m not the best person to talk to about this, so big caveat first that I’m not in any way an authority and not in any position to tell people not to be mad especially ppl who have no shortage of legit reasons. 

Objectively I agree that there’s a very blatant very obvious  “corrupt medieval pope” thing going on (it’s actually really fascinating to see this refracted through the lens of someone to whom it is simply foreign myth/ historical aesthetic. Much like Bleach had a villain vaguely based on the christian god.) and that you’re right but this isn’t something I feel comfortable going off on a rant about. 

I mean there are literal, non-metaphorical persecuted minorities in the game no need to grab the fantasy creatures for that. Though really the argument I’ve seen is not so much that “the concept is antisemitic” as that “Edelgard is a fascist cause she’s enemies with ppl from this group thsat was massacred once upon a time” - She doesn’t actually want to kill em all she just doesn’t want an individual she knows to be inept and tyrannical to be an unaccountable government(and while she’ll use force to remove them she has no issue letting them go if they surrender),  she’s dealing with like, three people whom she mistakenly believes to be in cahoots. 

I wouldn’t make too many assumptious about the ppl saying such things because no group is monolithic and few opinions are tied to particular groups except for those defined by opinions. Some of the ppl complaining might be trying to be upstanding but oversimplistic in their understanding; some might actually be jewish, others might just dislike the game or certain characters in it and be willing to use whatever rhetoric gets ppl to shut up. 

But something that imho gets lost in political discussions about “oversensitivity” is that Hypervigilance is a legit symptom of trauma. you encounter some insidious prejudice often enough you start seeing it everywhere. Many such prejudices really are… not everywhere but in alot of places.  Enough places that it is reasonable to start expecting it. Little things innocuous looking things will set you off because some real examples look exactly like that. See facists coming up with deliberately confusing secret symbols or how being asked to make your co-worker a coffee can be an instrument of sexist oppression in certain contexts.  You wouldn’t believe how many surprisingly specific antisemitic conspiracies and dehumanizing slander there is. I probably wouldn’t believe it if I had to live the life of someone who’s affected. 

I mean this isn’t just a smear talking point to insult each other with it’s a legit issue because of which people have to fear being shot. My town’s got a Synagogue, one of my sister’s been inside once for a school excursion, and she tells me they got armed guards. I’d rather people ring the alarms once too often than once too few and this should not be treated as a frivolous complaint

So when I see ppl calling every possible little detail sexist or racist or whatever my thoughts are neither “they are frivollously complaining about everything” or “They must be right because they’re the only ones who’re allowed to have an opinion” but that for all that the person might actually be being touchy, that touchyness is a symptom of the constant bombardment of crap they had to live with - not to mention that there’s a gradation here and that in many situations nuanced problem solving oriented discourse is more helpful that morally loaded labels. 

But imagine having a target painted on your back that makes the very worst 5% of humanity come seek you out and ruin your life for no reason, legit want you dead since you were a child. You’d think the world is very full of terrible people out to get you and you wouldn’t be wrong.

And often enough there might turn out to be an actual specific issue that might be too subtle for the uninitiated to perceive but makes perfect sense once explained. For example to a non-American like me it would be completely confusing at first how watermelons and chicken could be a racist trope but thers a history behind it. 

i dont think it remotely applies in this specific case but this is very much a discourse that needs to be had precisely because this stuff can be so subtle or specific the unaffected dont get it

There’s ppl saying the very concept of any sort of greedy fantasy creatures is immediately antisemitic when it strikes me as very obvious that it’s just a reflection of human nature which contains greed. Same with shadow rulers - it’s an universal human fear to not be in control of your destiny. A pretty basic thought that “Maan some of those corrupt leaders seem really damn inhuman”. 

The prejudice is rather in painting persecuted ppl as such bogeymen same as other minorities get painted as different sorts of bogeymen. Obviously basic universal tropes can still be made antisemitic if it’s strewn with actual dog-whistles or specific preexisting caricatures.

To summarize, this is a FAR too serious topic for casual video game discourse it ruins the lives of generations. 

[beebosbitchh]

1-65 ;)

holy heck ! thank you sophiw i lov u 🍒

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

i dont understand this question?? like sometimes i doubt my own existence and other times i doubt that i exist to certain ppl? ya?

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

2,, normal amount? like good for sleep but pitch black is scaryy but not to the point i need the escape ?? if that makes sense??

3. The person you would never want to meet?

guy fieri, i dont think i need to know if hes actually real ? like is he real and from this dimension or from flavortown (which he has a very scarily detailed description of)?? thats not something i need to know

4. What is your favorite word?

hmm, probably ‘fam’ obviously

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

a willow tree !!!!!!!!!! i just talked to my mom about this :-0

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

ngl but i dont look in the mirror anymore unless its lip syncing along to a song sung by a guy/someone w a deeper voice bc i feel like it suits me better! gotta love coping w dysphoria!

7. What shirt are you wearing?

baseball tee, gay

8. What do you label yourself as?

nb, lesbian, fool

9. Bright room or dark room?

dark room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

slepe

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

10-11 when i was in 5th grade. i still only had two friends but i was way more extroverted and everything was so carefree and i was very invested in adventure time and art. i think that was the most of a childhood i got? i honestly did not do much as a kid and i wish i had..

12. Who told you they loved you last?

sophiw ! tumblr user almightyportraits ! the loml !

13. Your worst enemy?

x

14. What is your current desktop picture?

one from apple called ‘abstract shapes’ its very orange but also blue which is my fave color pairing atm so its perfect

15. Do you like someone?

tumblr user vahilla

16. The last song you listened to?

megan played ‘marceline’ by willow in her car ! a song i suggested to her a few months ago and it makes me very happy that she likes it especially bc we bonded over adventure time in 6th grade :-)

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

mmyy seelfff ??

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

mmmyseyyffelllff ??

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? 

eh whats the point

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

n o ne ? 

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

what is the opposite of nb,, i feel like if i was opposite of how i present id be a girl, which is a verryyy weird thought for me, pass

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

no :-/

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

uh first of all blood, like, ill pass out,, second of all,, literally everything worries me

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

jimmy johns #16, turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato, NO MAYO

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

im a very practical person so the least boring answer i can come up w is more art supplies

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

denmark

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

fukcing , acetoNe

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

i think a FIRST rule would have to be pretty IMPORTANT so probably smt like how ~WE THE PEOPLE~ are all EQUAL would be a pretty good start and pretty UNDENIABLE and STRAIGHT FORWARD especially if it was the FIRST thing in this,, hmm lets call it the CONSTITUTION, in the completely hypothetical society

29. What is your favorite expletive?

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuk cufck ufc kfuck 

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

sunglasses??!!! that shit gotta be bright huh>?? gotta protect my retinas 

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i wanna say my first relationship made me a better person but that shit was rreeeaaallyyyy fucking awful and 4 months (+recovery months) that i will never get back and i think ? maybe ?? i wouldve been ok without it ? idk just a thought

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! 

spain ?!?!? why not + i sorta know the language? thatd b cool

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

zoey my dog :-( i miss her a lot, this month it will have been two years oh my god i miss her so much

34. What was your last dream about?

the last one i remember was a nightmare about someone tryna murder me i was very scared

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

i think so , when i was two i got really really sick and couldve died ?

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

ahh yes ! we gave hhimm,, fruit snack nipples, please forgive me fathr

38. What is the color of your socks? 

grey w blue n orange stripes ( again i lov blue n orange together, my shirt is teal and i have an orange hat on wow)

39. What type of music do you like?

all! i had to train this new guy at work and im sooo awkward but once why started talking about music it was easy for me to talk bc it was smt we both really like !!! i felt like i could actually communicate w feeling a disconnect it was nice ! we talked mostly about rap which was cool and unexpected but i could do it ? i really love music and i love being able to know enough to talk about it ,, isk 

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises, ive been pushing myself to wake up unreasonably early to have more time to myself and i get to watch the sunrise most days which is nice

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

chocolate 

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

whom?

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

college? god i dont even know… smt w art.. by an illustrator or art teacher or freelance artist or graphic designer ,, i really dont know

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

one thing ?!!?!? i wish i was neurotypical

46. Are you reliable?

yes? i try hard to be? i hope so ?

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

u still a lil bitch ?

48. Do you hold grudges? 

nope i try not to, ive had too many toxic petty people in my life that i dont need to be one myself.. now this is grudges w/o reason, but if ive given people several ‘second chances’ and theyre still (thumbs down) then ill avoid them but w/i reason?

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

DOG HORSES BIG DOGs

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

mm probably smt w my lab partner from last year. she always sends me weird quotes from a fanfiction shes reading and its weird but i really appreciate that she still talks to me or talks to me at all tbh

51. Are you a good liar?

nooo ?? i try not to lie? mb not tell the full truth but idk , i feel like id feel too guilty

52. How long could you go without talking?

uhh literally days like i already fucking do.. i m taking this as verbally but i dont get texts so like, it would not be hard

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

before i went to short hair i used to alllwaayyys wear a tight ponytail every single day bc i wasnt girly enough to do anything w it and it was really really gross like thank god i cut it all off

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

heck yeah

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

*clears throat*

h-

hewwo?

56. What do you like on your toast?

butter and jam

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

x

58. What would be you dream car?

razor scooter

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

sometimes im just too physically or emotionally exhausted to stand so ill just,, lay down? ive fallen asleep in the shower before ha

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yup

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

whenever it comes up but i dont ,, seek it out

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

Q

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dragons tf

64. What do you think about babies?

evil, ugly, dont see the appeal. open ur eyes ppl !!!! bbs are n Ot cute !!

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

x

[oikyskau]

1/2 hi! 👋🏼👋🏼 came to you encouraged by the lovely @magnusragnor, hope it's okay! so. i've been struggling with this for a long while; i think i may be bi. i've been thinking about it for a couple of years and first i thought it would not be possible to be attracted to women bc of heteronormativity, and now i think i may be disgusted by men, and any kind of closeness with them, bc i was assaulted/harassed by my stepfather when i was young.

2/2 idk if i’d want to be in a relationship w a woman either (even thinking about relationship with anyone brings me anxiety) but at least i’m not disgusted by the thought of sex or cuddles with women. but i really don’t know if this is all just some kind of trauma or my real feelings and i hate it. i don’t want to insult anyone by saying/thinking i’m bi, but idk if i’m straight either. sorry to dump this on you but i appreciate all thoughts/advice you have 🙏🏽 thank you 💕💕

hey!! so first of all, youre not insulting anyone by thinking you might be bi. sexuality is confusing and made even more confusing by things such as heteronormativity and compulsory heterosexuality, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being unsure or by questioning your sexuality. honestly, we understand.i think it is important to first acknowledge that sexuality is fluid, the label you use now might not be the one you will be using in a few years, bc with time you learn to understand yourself and your feelings better. there are many labels that you might feel attracted to, there might not be a single one, and thats okay. some people love labels, but some ppl also really love pineapple pizza, and they can both be awful if you dont like them. don’t pressure yourself bc you think you need to know immediately and stick with that forever! one word that actually really helped me personally is queer. because it is a beautifully inclusive words that didnt push any particular definition on me, other than not-straight/cis.

i am very sorry that such a terrible thing happened to you. its perfectly understandable that this affects the way you view men/ relationships in general, and i think its gonna be hard work to distinguish those feelings of trauma from those pertaining to your sexuality, but i can try to tell you a little of my own journey and what helped me with my feelings.

ofc the most important question is always: can you imagine being with a woman? can you imagine falling in love with a woman? what do you feel when you see women, what do you feel when you see women together? these are questions that seem to be v easy but really arent when you’re questioning your sexuality. for me, it started with realising that there were many many women i found incredibly beautiful. ofc beauty doesnt determine sexuality, but finding beauty in someone you might be attracted to is .. different. it goes deeper than just appreciating someone aesthetically.(bringing sex into the equation is always tricky bc sexual feelings (esp between women) can be buried under many many layers of internalised homophobia, like i used to say ‘i love women but i dont wanna have sex with them’ and after getting over layers and layers of IH to finally acknowledge that i wasnt straight and another 3 years to be comfortable with having sex with women, i asked someone for advice for questioning your sexuality and she said ‘do u wanna go down on a girl’ and i was like ‘lol yeh’ and that was that, but then you can also love women without desiring them sexually, but being okay by the thought of having sex/cuddling with women is already a pretty big indicator and i’d advise you to continue that line of thought!) personally, while thinking of the possibility of not being straight was very scary, it also brought an immense feeling of relief once i managed to be honest with myself.

be open with yourself, be gentle with yourself. connect with others, listen to their stories, educate yourself and expand your view on sexuality. allow yourself to grow. remember that it is okay to be confused, it is okay to question it. i still do sometimes, many of us do. its frustrating now but the confusion doesnt last forever. feelings are a mess, allow yourself the time to understand them.

i hope this whole thing wasnt a complete mess tho and it helped somewhat adjksaksdh

[journeyofabear]

Wish I could re-do these past 4 years and surround myself with people not in this Christian bubble. So sick of how we use Christianity to cater to our sweet, nice little 1st world lives So sick of how we use Christianity as a means of thinly veiled comfort for the insecurity that WE ACTUALLY DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LIFE – actually naw scratch that, I don’t care that we do that, humans do that with everything. I care that we judge, shame, and fear-monger from the basis of such beliefs. We need honesty in the church - we need pastors and leaders and everyone not forcefully TEACHING but SPEAKING, and allowing people to THINK and DIALOGUE about very real issues that are ignored every fucking Sunday. Christians who hide behind the mask of intellectualism as a means to bolster their small egos and to feel superior are ***TOXIC*** to the church because y’aint that smart. You really don’t have all the answers and you really need to stop acting like you do because you are, very cultishly, teaching entire generations of young people what you THINK you know. And the mindless masses are eating it up. WE NEED TO STOP SHOVING SHIT DOWN PEOPLES THROATS and START PROMOTING HEALTHY DIALOGUE AND GENUINENESS IN THE CHURCH AND WHAT JESUS ACTUALLY STOOD FOR. There will always be a chasm between Western Christianity and societal progression. Western Christianity will never reach the thinking homosexual or the feeling progressive, because 99% of that Christianity is based off systems of oppression, maintaining psychological/emotional power over congregations, insecurity, and fear-mongering. Things we are trying to fucking end. Much of the psychology of the modern church is cult-like. That’s just a fact. And it’s funny - when people reject our “evangelism” and communicate their bitterness towards Christianity, we get mad and see it as a personal attack or “persecution”. The fuck?? It is precisely in that instance, we’ve proven that our faith is completely centered around us. And that we don’t really care about the Great Commission as much as we think we do. 

Spreading the gospel and being a disciple of Christ looks a lot less like getting angrily defensive and immediately playing into the “you vs me” mentality when people come at your faith, and a lot more like hurting at the fact that this person is so angry at what is supposed to be a gospel of grace and love. It looks a lot less like facebook pictures and statuses about how much yall prayed at the last prayer meeting and a lot more like how your church is addressing real social issues and creating plans of action to help the marginalized. AND DOING THIS FOR THE SOLE SAKE OF LOVING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING AND NOT DOING IT TO VALIDATE YOURSELF OR CHALK UP “GOOD DEED” BROWNIE POINTS FOR YOURSELF.  It looks a lot less like staying in our own Christian bubbles because we are socially comfortable within them and thus emotionally and mentally comfortable as well, and a lot more like talking to and getting to know the people (non-christians alike) around you WITHOUT THE AGENDA OF CONVERTING THEM LMAO. That is a huge reason why so many people are so averse to talking about Jesus. Why do we feel like we gotta sneak Jesus into every single conversation we have? News flash, YALL AINT SLICK. People can tell when you’re lowkey tryina bring them to church. STOP. If you REALLY care about introducing the faith and Jesus to somebody, you will sit down and listen and talk to them, not stand in the streets putting a “jesus” sign to the faces of everybody who walks by. LET’S BUILD RELATIONSHIPS. REAL GENUINE RELATIONSHIPS THAT SHOW LOVE AND GRACE AND MAYBE LET’S TALK ABOUT JESUS, IF THEY ARE DOWN TO TALK ABOUT JESUS.  This list could literally go on and on and on.

I’m so sick of it. I’m so sick of people, I’m so sick of the way we operate, I’m so sick of how selfish we are, I’m so sick of how we’ve fucking manipulated mainstream Christianity to fit our agenda and now this is what the majority of America fucking believes in. It’s corrupt. It’s wrong. Mindlessly republican, mindlessly prolife, mindlessly go to church to hear a sermon about love, and then mindlessly continue to be a shitty person, still oblivious and in denial to society-splitting, human-killing, generationally-implemented systems of racism, sexism, and xenophobia. And then wield the faith as a sword to combat your own insecurities while cutting other people down? As if you actually know anything other than this self-fulfilling, gross version of Christianity you’ve conjured up for yourself? Christianity my ass.  Fuck man. We’re all so fucking dirty.

And if it sounds like I’m mad, it’s because I am. It’s because I’m broken by the thought of how many doors we’ve closed on people in the name of Christianity. How many people we’ve labeled as “fallen away” or “unsaved” because we chose to do things the way the church has taught us all of our lives instead of, you know, being a decent human being and doing life with these people. It breaks me to think about how Christianity is this inside, vip club, instead of a banquet hall with grand doors opened as far as they can go, with an usher at the front hugging everybody who comes in and with tears in his eyes, whispering, “You are welcome here.”

P.S. YO AND IT KINDA SUCKS BEING LIKE ONE OF VERY VERY VERY FEW PEOPLE WHO SEES THIS FOR REAL. IF YOU SEE THESE THINGS TOO, HMU BECAUSE I NEED MORE EMOTIONAL, SOCIALLY AWARE PPL IN MY LIFE